They say, if you wanna tell a story right, you gotta start at the beginning.
Too far? Fine.
This is me, Harleen Quinzel.
When I was a kid, my dad traded me for a six-pack of beer.
But however many times he tried to ditch me...
Daddy! -...I kept coming back.
Eventually, he found me a new home.
The good sisters of St. Bernadette's taught me a lot.
But I was never an establishment kinda gal.
All things considered, I did good. I even went to college.
Got my PhD. Had my heart broken once or twice.
Finding love, it's not easy.
So I threw myself into my work, became a psychiatrist.
That's when I met him. Mr. J. My Joker.
Oh, I fell hard. Like out of a plane without a parachute, right in your dumb fucking face kinda hard.
I lost all sense of who I was.
I only had eyes for Puddin'. We all know the saying, "Behind every successful man "there's a badass broad."
Well, that was me. I was the brains behind some of Mr. J's greatest stunts. Not that he let anyone know it.
I guess all good things have to come to an end.
...we broke up.
I handled it real mature.
But Mr. J was super broke up about it.
I got an amazing new place that was all mine.
It gave me the space to really reflect on the mistakes of my past.
I had to find a new identity.
A new me.
It wasn't easy. But after a while, I even opened myself up to the possibility of new love.
Hi. Hello, nice baby.
Here's the thing about new love... I take payment-in-kind.
...you have to feed it.
Soon enough, I was back on my feet.
Ready to move on, to make new friends.
She means fucking business!
- Oh, here we go! Whip me!
She has taken a whip from the pivot, catapulted to the high side!
Yeah! Come on!
It was time for Gotham to meet the new Harley Quinn, so I really put myself out there.
Ride that pole like you ride your man!
God damn it. Sit the fuck down.
What? I said...
Sit your skinny ass down, you dumb slut.
You broke my fucking legs!
It's not a party without a little drama, am I right?
Come on! Turn it up!
Shots on the house.
Call me dumb. I have a PhD, motherfucker.
-Miss Quinn. -Romy.
That was my driver. Oh, whoops.
Well, I'm sure it was his fault. Consider him fired.
Consider me grateful. Especially since I know you don't like me.
I agitate his already delicate sense of mental equilibrium.
That and his obsessive-compulsive need to be the center of attention.
Will your paramour be joining us this evening?
Not tonight, Romy. Not tonight.
Well, enjoy yourself, Miss Quinn. And do give the Joker my best.
Okay, fine, so I hadn't told people about the breakup.
- But you don't understand. Find me a new driver.
Being Joker's girl gave me immunity.
I could do whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted, and no one ever dared to object.
And don't let him give you shit, okay? You have to stick up for yourself.
Oh, please. I give it a few days before they're back together.
Even when I did try and tell people, they didn't believe me.
Come on. She told me they're really broken up this time.
Sure they are, Shell. That's why she's still wearing that tacky "J" necklace.
She is going to be running right back into his arms the minute he snaps his fingers.
If not him, the next closest alpha male with a pulse.
Some people just aren't born to stand on their own.
Oh, girl, let's drink. Come on. All right.
I knew I needed to find some way to show the world that I'd cut ties with Mr. J for good.
Some people have the Eiffel Tower, or Olive Garden.
The Joker and I? Our love bloomed in a highly toxic industrial processing plant.
And luckily for me, I have all my best ideas drunk.
I have the best idea!
The fuck? Hey! Hey! Come back here!
This is where it all began, Puddin'.
It was the closure I needed.
A fresh start. A chance to be my own woman.
But I wasn't the only dame in Gotham looking for emancipation.
This is our story.
And I'm telling it, so I'll start where I fucking want.
- Meet the cop. I got 50 says it was turf war.
- Not him. Well, as always, you're wrong, Munroe.
Her. Renee Montoya.
Raised on '80s cop shows, she's always saying cheesy shit like...
There was only one shooter. Inside.
This guy shot out the glass. Serrano.
Have Ballistics check for a bullet in one of those parked cars.
Ten years ago, she broke a career-making case.
-Did I stutter? -Go ahead.
But her partner at the time took all the credit.
So while he made captain, she got stuck at detective level with this idiot.
Okay, you think one guy got all four? Wait, wait, wait.
I'm just saying, we got four dead bodies here, you know.
-One guy... Bullet holes. -I'm trying to work.
I'm sorry. Go ahead and work. Go ahead.
The shooter got close before drawing. Six rounds.
Two for each of these three. Yo, mind your debt.
I'm telling you. That girl, Angelina, she's a princess.
Look at this. Is it Halloween? Hey. How you doing?
And it wasn't about them.
It was all about this guy, right here.
Do you know who I am?
You fucking bitch.
And this arrow through his throat...
She wanted him to die slowly.
She? We got a hair.
And he's got a new assassin. Who does?
Roman Beauvais Sionis.
This is Montoya. What the hell was that?
Detective. Found this necklace.
Good work, Officer.
What is it?
Harley Quinn and the Joker broke up. What?
This was their spot. She just publicly updated her relationship status.
Harley Quinn just called open season on herself.
She did not think this one through.
Yeah, no shit I didn't think it through.
I'm about to learn that a lot of people in this city want me dead.
And at the top of that list is this guy.
Mr. Keo and his lovely wife and daughter.
You kinda forced my hand here. Gotta say, I'm a little disappointed.
I gave you a great pitch. Didn't I?
And I thought... Shh!
I thought we could build something beautiful together.
I thought we could be family.
I'm gonna set you free.
What about her?
I think we can let her go.
I mean, this is a pretty loud fucking shitshow of a message.
Thank you. Thank you.
Is that a snot bubble?
-Ew. Gross. -What?
Oh, I've changed my mind. Peel it off.
The wack job with the penchant for peeling faces is Roman Sionis, aka Black Mask.
The fact that he wants me dead hasn't yet hit my radar.
See, I was halfway across town, hungover, and thinking about breakfast.
Egg, bacon, American cheese.
Soft, toasted buttered roll.
Just a dash of hot sauce.
Not too much, Sal. I wanna taste the cheese.
What a way to start my new life.
With the perfect egg sandwich.
You're a lifesaver, Sal.
And I'm good for the 75 cents, okay? I promise.
That's all the money I got in the world, and it's so worth it.
I don't know if it's the stray Armenian arm hair, or the fact that his cheese slices are always six months out of date, but no one makes an egg sandwich like Sal.
I mean it, Sal. No one.
Freeze! Gotham PD.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Are you fucking kidding me?
It had been six short hours since my little stunt at Ace Chemicals announced to the world that Mr. J and I were dunzo.
The immunity I'd enjoyed for so long was gone.
Cops who never would've dared come after me before were suddenly doing this.
And what's worse? Every person I ever wronged now felt free to come and take their pound of flesh.
Turns out I wronged a lot of people.
Come on, boy. Get him!
And then... We're gonna get through this, okay?
It took losing something I truly love for me to see that the target on my back was bigger than I thought.
With the walls closing in around me, I made a carefully calculated, highly strategic move.
Fine. It was dumb luck. But still...
That felt pretty great.
Sorry for busting in on you like that, but thanks for the shortcut.
See ya. Oh! There she is.
Harley Quinn. Yeah?
I've waited a long time for this. You have?
Oh... I haven't had breakfast yet.
What did I do to you? Are you serious?
Look at my face.
Look at my face!
That wasn't me. But you dared him to do it.
Yeah, but I dare a lot of people to do a lot of things, okay?
Come on. I'm not even with him anymore. - I know.
That means there's no one here to stop me.
-Right. -You're gonna die, Quinn.
Ooh. A penny.
They're shooting arrows now?
Ah, crap. Him, too?
Fuck, Montoya, you smell like a dead rat's asshole.
Not today, Simpson. Hey, it's Detective Montoya.
Respect your elders. I mean, your elderly.
You're only a few years younger than me, and you're still behind that desk.
You wanna go there?
Come on. Empty your pockets. All of it.
Cassandra Cain, back already?
Thought by now you'd figure out how not to get caught.
What? No comeback?
You all right?
You smell like shit.
Any clean clothes in lost and found?
These are serious accusations, Miss Montoya.
The Sionis family name is on half the museums and schools in Gotham.
And that makes him immune to the law, Captain?
Montoya's day is going almost as badly as mine.
Remember the guy who stole her promotion?
That's him. He had four people killed alone last night.
If Sionis is such a mastermind, how'd he get fired from his own fucking company?
The Janus Corporation is his father's company, thank you.
And by the way, they cut him off.
Where does the DA's office stand on all this?
To make matters worse, the assistant DA? That's her ex.
The evidence that Sionis is linked to these murders...
There's a shipment coming in.
Drugs? A diamond.
Wow, Montoya. Should we call the Feds for backup?
Listen, I had a source at the club.
His driver. He said that Roman couldn't stop talking about this thing.
And he said that he overheard something about laser-encoding.
Now, I did some research. I think it's the Bertinelli diamond.
You remember the Bertinelli massacre, right?
Quick history lesson. Fifteen years ago, one of the wealthiest Mafia families in Gotham was gunned down.
It was a power grab, but the real target was the Bertinellis' super-secret offshore bank accounts, the details of which were said to be encoded in the atomic structure of a 30-carat diamond. The rock was lost.
And with it, the only key to the Bertinelli fortune.
Which is exactly why Roman Sionis is trying to get his hands on it.
That's what makes him so dangerous. He's already building an army.
If he gets the diamond, he'll have all the money and connections to bribe every single judge and cop he needs to get a monopoly on the city.
You said you had someone on the inside? Yes. He's...
He's no longer there, but... So basically, you have nothing.
You are trying to go after one of the most litigious and wealthiest families in Gotham, and all you've got is rumors and a hunch?
Well, you know, the DA's office is building a case against him, too.
Isn't that right, Miss Yee? If the DA is willing to throw himself out in front of this, it's fine with me. Captain, no.
Listen, Munroe, find me some tangible connection to Sionis, all right?
-Yes, sir. -Wait, wait, wait. Captain.
This is my case, okay? I've been working on this for six months.
We need something that we can actually use, Detective.
And, Miss Montoya, we do have a dress code.
Look, I'm sorry about that, but I...
That is my job you are fucking with. What is wrong with you, Renee?
Me? He gave my case away. Oh, poor Renee.
Why don't you pour yourself a drink? It's almost noon.
Jesus. Who the fuck is this? What?
Why the fuck haven't you been picking up your phone? We've got a situation.
What... What situation? You didn't hear this from me, but you gotta find her before someone else does.
She's got the diamond, and trust me, Roman will kill her.
My diamond? Who? Who's got it? This kid.
She's a pickpocket. Her name's Cassandra Cain.
Can I help you? Why, yes. Yes, you can.
I'm here to report a terrible crime.
And what terrible crime is that?
Run, piggy, run.
Where can I find Cassandra Cain?
Hold up, hold up. I'm telling this all wrong. Let's rewind.
For you to understand why me, the cop, and that dame on the toilet...
Her name's Cassandra Cain.
...are all looking for this Cain character.
I gotta take you back a few days, to that night I got shitfaced at the Black Mask Club.
This is a man's world This is a man's world...
- This is Dinah Lance. But it would be nothing
- But she prefers Black Canary. Nothing...
- She's got a killer voice. Without a woman or a girl...
But there was some other shit going down that night.
...short notice like this.
I'm not talking superficial partnerships.
I'm talking you and me having each other's backs.
The Golden Lions can't just wander into Gotham National Bank.
I can. Loans, liquidity, laundering.
Look, if you bring your boys into the fold, there are no limits to what we could achieve together.
I'm building something special.
I appreciate your offer, Mr. Sionis.
But with all due respect, the Golden Lions are a family business.
Fuck family. All due respect, but fuck that.
Family's a fucking illusion. You know what my family gave me? Nothing.
I know what everyone says. "Here comes Roman Sionis.
"He was handed life on a silver spoon."
"Gin and tonics at 5:00." "I'll have the duck."
Blah, blah, blah. Fake fucking fucks.
But look at me now.
I've located the Bertinelli diamond. I'm about to own this city.
Not just the East End. I am thinking big, baby.
And I want you there with me. We could make our own family.
Mr. Sionis, the Golden Lions have operated in Gotham for nearly 100 years.
We have no need of your protection.
He's gonna regret that.
Will you sleep on it? Will you do that for me?
Run it by that beautiful wife of yours, and I'll come see you at the docks, day after tomorrow.
This is a man's world It would be nothing Without a woman or a girl...
Who's having a good time? You are.
- Lost in the wilderness... Food is good?
Do you need any more cocktails? - Lost in the bitterness...
Your good health. - He's lost in the loneliness...
He's lost This is a man's world It wouldn't be nothing
Without a woman or a girl Canary's been singing at Roman's club for years.
Come on! - He calls her his little bird, and he's got her wrapped right around his fancy little finger.
Here you go, Canary. Thank you.
How do you spell "mercenary"?
Singer lady woman!
You're really, really good.
Know what a harlequin is?
Janky-ass clown with bad eye makeup?
A harlequin's role is to serve.
You know, a harlequin's nothing without a master.
And no one gives two fucks who we are beyond that.
Yeah, I don't know who you think I am, lady, but I'm not her.
Puddin' and I broke up.
I haven't told that to anyone.
For good this time.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm all on my lonesome.
Welcome to the club.
Hey, don't be lonesome. How about another drink?
-Yeah. -It's on me.
-Sure. Drinks! -Hey, two shots.
We're all good here.
-I don't wanna go home. -Oh, no? No.
Let me know if you're gonna get sick.
Your chariot's arrived. Oh, there you go.
Are we getting breakfast? Hey, buddy, I'm gonna need some help.
This is my friend. I told you all about...
Hey, get the door, man. There we go. Wait.
Isn't that Joker's girl? Not anymore.
Got room for one more? Hey.
I don't need your help. I got this.
You got this? You sure about that?
Yeah, no wonder everyone hates you.
You got this!
Well, well, well, well, well, well.
Could that be our little Miss Lance?
All these years, I thought she was just a pretty face and a fine set of lungs.
Mr. Zsasz, I've had an amazing idea.
That's my little bird.
Don't touch what you can't afford, mister.
You drive as good as you fight?
Who's asking? The boss.
You're getting promoted.
You're his new driver. Huh. Thanks, but I think I'm good with the singing gig.
You'll be good at the driving gig.
Be here tomorrow. 9:00 a.m. Sharp.
So, that's how Canary got herself a job driving around Gotham's newest Godfather.
A position, I might add, that wouldn't have been vacant without the help of yours truly.
You're the one who wanted the kid! I never wanted her!
Let me guess. Parents?
Foster parents. Right.
Sorry about your face.
Shit, you do have something on your face.
You should've seen the other guy.
I want that kid out of my fucking house!
You know, kid, not every day is gonna be like this.
You just gotta hang in there.
Get something to eat.
Stay outta that. It's not worth it.
Don't talk to me like that.
Canary spends the next week settling in to her new job as Roman's personal driver.
What she didn't know is that driving Mr. Face-peely-pants was gonna put her right in the crosshairs of my favorite little piggy.
Dinah Lance? Who the hell are you?
I'm Renee Montoya, detective with GCPD.
Your predecessor and I had an arrangement.
He told me that there was a shipment coming in. A diamond.
A very special diamond.
Yeah, not interested, lady. Thanks for the coffee.
Do you know who you're working for?
Damn right, I do. He's the man who gave me a job. Took me off the streets.
Yeah, well, he's also a very dangerous man.
A criminal. A murderer.
What would your mother think of you working for a guy like that, huh?
You have the same power she had. Don't you think she would want you to use it?
The hell do you know about my mother?
Back in the day, she used to help the GCPD.
-She was a good woman. -Yeah.
She was a damn good woman.
The kind of woman who put everyone else's lives before her own.
And when she was found dead in the street, where the fuck were you and your boys in blue then?
Now you wanna come and knock on my door and ask me to help you out and make the same mistake she did?
Yeah. Good luck with that.
That's fair enough. And I'm sorry for your loss.
For the record, that would never happen on my watch.
The Sprang Bridge Soldiers capituated.
"Capitulated." Of course they did.
I told you that Keo scene would send a message.
It sure did, boss. It sure fucking did.
Crossbow Killer struck again last night. Rossi and four of his guys.
People don't kill people I own without my permission.
Why doesn't this crossbow guy know that?
-You know that! -I know it.
Why doesn't this crossbow guy? Why don't I own the crossbow guy?
-You should own him. -I mean, I like crossbows.
Oh, good morning. Good morning.
-Morning. -Come in. Come in.
We're just finishing up a little business. Look around.
You're late. It's fine.
Should she come back another time, 'cause she's late?
No. Isn't this stunning?
That is a Chokwe mask.
I got it when I was embedded with the Mbangani tribe in Congo-Kinshasa. Have you ever been?
I've never been. I've heard it's beautiful.
It's dirty. Here, look at this. Genuine tsantsa or shrunken head.
Shuar of Ecuador. They're amazing people. Surprisingly gentle.
-I think you might like them. -Really?
They boil the heads of their enemies and they make these little fellas.
-Exquisite, aren't they? Look. -Mmm-hmm.
Look at those little ears. And his little haircut.
-Yeah, he's 1,000 years old. -Wow.
And now he's just an ornament in my living room.
-Ew! I love it. -Yeah?
These are ancient acupuncture models.
As you can see, they have all the acupuncture points.
And we found these buried in the mountains.
Ace Chemicals got blown sky high last night.
All right, all right, let's find the Crossbow Killer. I get it.
Is he an acupuncture model, too? He is not an acupuncture model.
This is a statue of me. It was made by a very famous Gotham artist...
Harley Quinn did it.
Some kind of "fuck you" to the Joker.
What's wrong with you, Victor?
-Talk about burying the lede. -Yeah.
This is spectacular news!
She doesn't belong to him, she belongs to me.
Have the boys go find her. Round her up, bring her back. I want her.
You, I have something I want you to pick me up.
Something super-duper important, okay?
I'll go with you. Yeah, go with Victor.
It's just a pickup. No, he's harmless.
Do as you're told. Go.
All right. We can go. I'll take that.
Mr. S said for me to hold on to it. Go get your car.
That rock. That rock's about to become the key to whether or not I live to enjoy my newfound independence.
Get off me. What the hell are you doing here?
You're not the only one who makes money off of dumb, rich, white people.
Well, you know what? One day you're gonna pick the wrong pocket, sis.
Excuse me. Sorry.
I really like your earrings. Why, thank you.
There's the thief. There's the thief.
Get off of me! That little girl took my watch.
I didn't do nothing.
Where the fuck's the diamond? I just fucking had it.
In the storytelling business, this dummy swallowing that diamond is called a complication.
A complication I didn't exactly need right now.
We lost the diamond. What?
We're really sorry, Mr. S. This kid...
We never even got our hands on it.
Get out! Get out of here! You, too! Go!
With your fucking sage stinking my place up. Fuck off!
Here she is. She's a child!
She's just a kid. She's... What?
We have Harley Quinn downstairs, as requested.
Fuck off! Get out. Fucking out!
Fuck! These are my things. This diamond is my things.
My things! Fucking fuck! I don't ask for much, do I?
-No. -Why is this happening to me?
I'm gonna get your diamond back. I promise.
Why don't we go downstairs and kill that Harley bitch?
Blow off a little steam.
Yeah, I have wanted to do that for quite some time.
Okay. I'll go get changed.
I don't care what it takes, I want my diamond back.
We're working on it.
Now, let's go have a little fun.
Do you know why you're here? Hmm?
When it comes to me and Roman Sionis, there are a lot of possible answers to this question.
Breaking his driver's legs. There's that time I called it an "expresso."
Having a vagina in the first place pisses this guy off.
Constantly interrupting him, like I'm doing right now.
-You're here because... -Oh, God, stop.
You're gonna do that thing where you open up a weird-ass case of torture devices while inexplicably detailing your master plan and how I don't fit into it.
I'm building a better... Seriously, you don't have to. Really!
You're building a criminal empire because Daddy kicked you out of Janus Corp.
And you think this is a big "fuck you," but in actuality it's a very misguided attempt to win back his respect.
I get it. You're really not as complicated as you think.
And you're really not as clever as you think, because
-now I'm gonna slice your... -Oh, Jesus Christmas.
Now you're gonna say that you wanna kill me to set an example.
Christ, you're boring. -I wanna kill you...
Shit. ...because without the Joker around, I can.
For all your noise and bluster, you're just a silly little girl with no one around to protect her.
Whoa. Wait. -What?
-Don't kill me. -Ha! Right.
No, no, no. Seriously. Romy, Roman. Come on. There's gotta be something, something we can figure out. Hey!
Wait, wait! You lost something, right?
You lost something. I heard you say it. A diamond.
I can help you find it.
Seriously. Look in my pocket.
I'm starting up my own business.
See what it says? Second from the bottom.
I know the East End better than anybody.
You want this diamond back? I'm your gal.
Mr. J once lost a rare photograph of a nude Eleanor Roosevelt, and I found it in a bird's nest in Robinson Park.
If you let me go, just for now, I'll get you that rock back.
What have you got to lose? If your boys find it first, swear to God, you can kill me later.
Pinky swear. Cross my heart, hope to fart.
You're so tiresome!
If you want my mercy, shut that hole in the middle of your face and listen.
You're gonna get me my diamond.
A kiss on the hand May be quite continental But diamonds are a girl's best friend A kiss may be grand But it won't pay the rental On your humble flat Or help you at the automat
I will be waiting.
Diamonds Romy, Roman.
I will be waiting.
But diamonds Diamonds are a girl's best
I'll give you till midnight.
And then I'm gonna peel off that pretty face and pickle it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the guy was meant to get the girl a diamond.
I won't let you down, Romy. I promise.
Let's make it half a mil.
It's more fun if she's got competition.
Send it to every mercenary in Gotham.
Oh, hey, you're that singer no one listens to.
Hey, you're the asshole no one likes.
Jesus. Who the fuck is this? What?
We've got a situation. This kid, she's got the diamond.
Her name's Cassandra Cain.
Where can I find Cassandra Cain?
Okay. Now we're good.
Thanks, doll. You're a peach.
Hey, I know that guy.
Access denied. Access denied.
Access denied. Access denied.
Access denied. Access denied. Denied.
Denied. Denied. Denied. Denied. Denied. Denied.
Hold up, hold up. Remember me? She stole my car!
Harley Quinn. Hey, Quinn!
-Let us out, see what happens. -Don't mind me, guys.
-You killed my chinchilla! -Here for the kid.
What's up, girl? You're the reason I'm in here!
Yeah, sorry about that. You're dead!
I'm gonna kill you, Quinn! Hey, kid.
You're that psycho from the roller derby. -Yeah, yeah.
Are you Cassandra Cain? Yeah.
I need to know where...
Hold, please. Harley...
I got you, you little shit.
Who are you guys?
Go, go, go.
Keep the kid alive.
A little help.
Does she have to keep running?
Roman, you trustafarian fuckbag.
Step away from the kid.
Drop it. The phone?
Oh, good. You're awake. Toss that for me, will ya?
What the fuck?
Who did I just blow up?
Either someone who wants me dead, or someone looking to collect the half-million dollar reward on your head.
Half a million dollars? Yeah.
Do I look like I'm worth half a million dollars?
-Not really. -You've got the wrong kid.
Now, uncuff me. Oh, sure.
As soon as you give me the diamond. What diamond?
Look at me.
What? I don't know nothing about no diamond.
The inflection in your voice, the way you can't hold eye contact, and the fact that you're a filthy little thief, all suggest that you do. Now, you can give it to me, or I can give you to the man that diamond belongs to. But trust me when I say, you're not gonna like what he's gonna do to ya.
Now, hand it over.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
-Come again? -I said I can't.
One more time. I can't give it to you.
Why not? Because I ate it, okay?
What are we even doing here?
There are two ways that diamond's coming outta ya.
This way, or this way.
That's what I thought. Also, I'm outta groceries.
So, how long you been a mercenary?
Hey, where did you get...
You're so busy looking at my right hand, you haven't even thought about my left...
Your left hand is cuffed to mine.
I'll have to learn that one.
Can we get this?
You're not gonna try to run, are you?
Look, if there's really a half mil on my head, I figure I'm better off with the person who's not gonna cut me open.
Fine. But if you try to run, I will kill you.
I do not care that you're a kid.
I saw that.
Seriously though, how'd you get to be here?
I mean, shopping at fancy-ass stores, you're making bank, you have your own business.
How'd you do it? Come on, tell me. Woman to woman.
Being a pickpocket's fine and all, but I got real potential.
I mean, how do I be like you?
Well, except for the crazy part. But other than that.
Number one, no one is like me.
If you wanted to even come close, you would have to go to medical school.
Become a psychiatrist, work in an asylum. Fall in love with your patient, break said patient out of said asylum. Begin a life of crime.
Jump into a vat of chemicals to prove yourself to a madman.
Get arrested by the Batman.
Go back to jail, get out of jail with a bomb on your neck.
Save the world, go back to jail, and break out of jail before breaking up with the aforementioned madman and going out on your own.
Number two... Six bucks for tap water with a fucking cucumber stick in it? That's crazy.
I'm not shopping at this store.
I'm robbing this store. Consider this your first lesson.
Paying is for dummies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
This is Doc's Place. And this is Doc.
-Hiya, Doc. How are ya? -Good.
He's the Taiwanese grandpa I never had.
He knows everything and everyone. Nothing happens around here, let me tell you, without Doc knowing about it. And he happens to be the only person who actually cares about me.
-I do? -Yes, you do.
She's been ordering #32 with extra chili for many years.
Lesson number two, you always want extra chili with #32.
So you don't have to taste his cooking.
Lotus flower, you have to get upstairs before someone sees.
Everyone's looking for you. And you. We know.
I'm telling you, if you want boys to respect you, you have to show them that you're serious.
Blow something up. Shoot someone.
Nothing gets a guy's attention like violence.
Shut that door. Lock it.
Keep your sticky paws to yourself, okay?
This place... Well, it ain't much, but it's better than a prison cell.
...is so fucking dope.
Oh, shit. Is that a hyena in a bathtub?
I named him Bruce after that hunky Wayne guy.
He's my little dumpling, aren't you?
Aren't you, my little baby? Aren't you, Brucey? Yes.
I love you.
I never said that. I love you both equally.
Who, that? It's Cass.
You're so pretty.
It's a beaver.
Does Brucey want a treat? Does Brucey want a treat?
It's art. Don't touch.
He your ex or something?
You don't know who that is?
The Clown Prince of Crime? My former partner in madness?
The Harlequin of Hate? The Jester of Genocide?
You've never heard of him? Well, sounds like a dick.
I'm not going soft or nothing, but I gotta admit, it was kinda nice having the kid around.
Give me a #32. Mild.
Uh... Yeah, sure.
Who are you? They call me...
My bad. I should've introduced you.
I'll make it quick.
Meet the daughter of the richest, most powerful Mafia don in Gotham City.
Yep, that Bertinelli.
One day, she comes home to find her whole family in the living room.
Anyone and everyone with Bertinelli blood is there.
Oh, and that? That's Stefano Galante.
The guy making the play for the Bertinelli turf and fortune.
When one of the goons finds the kid alive, the big softy sneaks her outta there and hides her away in Sicily.
Where she is raised by his own father and brother.
She spends the next 15 years thinking only of revenge.
So, she starts training.
When she was ready, and by "ready" I mean a badass motherfucking killing machine, she moves back to Gotham.
Starts working on that kill list.
She has the murder stuff down, but the rest?
Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?
Still a work in progress.
Do you know who I am? The Crossbow Killer.
They call me... The Crossbow Killer.
They call me... The Crossbow Killer?
They call me...
Huntress. - She calls herself Huntress.
Fucking fabulous, if you ask me.
And who are you looking for?
Great club. Quinn got the girl.
And? And they disappeared.
What is she laughing at?
Is she laughing at me? She is.
No, she's not. She's...
What are you laughing at, Erika?
You gotta hear this. It's hilarious. Get on the table.
You're being a total kook.
Get on the fucking table.
This is my club. Get up now.
Dance. Dance, Erika!
This dress is fucking hideous.
Take it off.
Take your dress off.
Get up there and fucking cut it off her.
Do it now!
Take her fucking dress off. Just rip it off her. Hurry up!
Hurry up! Fucking do it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You wouldn't betray me, would you?
I was just gonna go look for the girl.
Oh, no, no, no. I want you to stay here with me.
I want you to stay here with me close.
You soothe me, little bird.
Oh, good. You got it. Did you trace the messages?
You stole evidence from an active crime scene, and then had it sent to my office. Renee, what were you thinking?
Roman is the one that put a price on the kid's head. Okay? I had to.
I can't get into it right now... Renee, you need help.
What are you talking about? She's right.
You are a good cop, Montoya, but you've lost your way.
I'm sorry. Okay? You gave me no choice.
-Did you sell me out? -I'm sorry.
Your badge and your gun, now.
If you've ever watched any cop movie ever, you know that this is when shit gets real.
What's the point of the badge, when it means fuck all anyway?
No cop ever gets anything done until after they've been suspended.
Which would've had me worried, only I had more pressing concerns.
And that is why you should never partake in paying federal income taxes.
Hey, you'll ruin your nails.
Thank you. Anyway, lesson 37.
You said they wouldn't find us. Chillax. No one knows we're here.
Harleen Quinzel, this is Gotham Police.
Okay. So they know.
Open the door. Holy back door, Beavy.
This is getting outta hand. Bruce, come here.
I can hear you! Open the door.
What is that?
See you in hell, Harley!
Get under the table!
Come here! No!
Come here, boy. Bruce?
This doesn't make sense.
It doesn't make sense. I don't understand. No one knew we were here.
No one knew we were here, except...
Doc. Oh, my God. Doc?
Doc? Where is he?
Doc? I can't find Bruce.
I can't find him. I...
I'm sorry, lotus flower. You sold me out?
Too many people offering me too much money.
I have enough now to open up a new restaurant.
A really nice one. But, Doc, it's me.
It's just business.
This next bit ain't very pretty.
You're right. Harley?
Business is business.
I've got the kid.
But I'm gonna need to renegotiate the terms of our deal.
If I hand her over, I want everyone who's after me to back off.
Quinn, bring me the rock now and I guarantee your safety.
I own this town. You'll have my protection.
Meet me at Amusement Mile. The Booby Trap. In one hour.
Come on, kid. Let's get you somewhere safe.
We got them.
You're gonna be driving Mr. Zsasz tonight.
Go. Fetch. Amusement Mile. The Booby Trap.
Do we have to bring them back?
I think you can manage a couple of little girls.
Just bring me back my diamond.
What is it?
Pull over. What?
Pull the fucking car over now.
I gotta take a leak.
She betrayed you, boss. She betrayed you.
Are you sure? - Your little bird's a fucking rat.
You want me to kill her?
No. No. No.
I'll come to you.
I thought we were friends. And you...
You saw what it's like for me out there. I didn't have a choice.
And if you go before he gets here, everything will be fine.
I'm sorry, kid. I am.
That was fast.
Where's Cassandra Cain? You? Again?
Are you drunk? Come on.
Right in the tit.
Where's Cassandra Cain?
You killed my sandwich!
Was that really necessary? You don't know her like I do.
Oh, thank God. I'm gonna get you outta here.
Did she really tape you to a damn toilet?
This is nice.
You're still conscious.
You can still feel? Look at me. Are you a good girl, now?
"I'm a good girl. I'm a good girl."
I got one for all the little birds I helped fly away from this world.
I'm saving a special spot for you.
You're gonna have to be quiet. -Hi.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, I know where the diamond is.
Is that rock still inside you?
The hell, Zsasz? Cut her open.
Stop fucking around. You heard me.
Cut her fucking open.
Okay. No, no. No, no, no. See, she's just a kid.
You're a filthy fucking rat. I'm a rat?
I knew you couldn't be trusted. Roman's little bird.
You little fucking bird.
That's why he needs me to look out for him.
That's why he needs me to take care of him.
You know you're just being paranoid, Zsasz.
Prove it to me.
Rip open her little tummy.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Now! Rip it open!
You piece of shit!
Don't fucking move.
Who the fuck are you?
Go get the kid. All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back the fuck up!
Get away from me. All of you. Put that shit down.
Shoot them, kid.
You, put that stupid-ass Robin Hood piece of shit down!
-Cass, it's okay. Just calm... -Don't move!
I don't know what the fuck is going on.
But I know that this shit stick... just tried to gut me.
Thought you were different.
I'm sorry, kid.
I'm just a terrible person, I guess.
Ooh, I'm back.
Okay, I feel like I've just walked in on something I don't give two shits about.
This guy's dead, so I'm just gonna get outta your hair. Cool?
No. Wait. She's lying. She works for Sionis.
Excuse me? I work for Sionis?
I'm not letting you sell the kid to him.
I wasn't going to sell the kid. I was going to trade the kid.
Yeah. To save your own stupid skin. Huh?
I'm not proud of what I did, but I had half the city after me.
Even the fucking Crossbow Killer. I'm not the Crossbow Killer!
They call me... Helena Bertinelli.
For fuck's sake. As in the Bertinelli massacre?
Sheesh kebab. That is childhood trauma, right there.
I killed Galante.
I killed his firing squad.
I killed Victor Zsasz.
And now I'm done.
So if you don't mind, I'm gonna leave now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, sweetheart, but you are not done.
Who do you think funded Galante's little power grab, huh?
Galante was working with Sionis.
Roman killed your whole family looking for that rock.
You don't think he's gonna kill this kid?
That diamond is our only chance of stopping him.
You guys. Hey, I think you should see this.
He bought himself an army.
They're all here for me.
-No. -They're not?
No, they're not.
Do you know what that means? That means he's not just after the kid anymore.
He's after all of us. He's sure as hell after me. I just robbed him.
You just betrayed him. You just killed his BFF.
And you're dumb enough to be building a case against him.
So, unless we all wanna die very unpleasant deaths and let Roman go finger-fishing in the kid's intestinal tract, we're gonna have to work together. With you?
Yeah. We're gonna work together, and we'll get outta here in one piece, okay?
But we are gonna need some serious hardware.
Will this do?
No. Not at all.
We're dead. We're fucking dead.
That slimy jizznozzle! I can't believe he took it all! - We're fucked.
-Fuck! -Uh, there's this.
Friends, brothers, men of Gotham.
I have funded you. I've protected you.
I've scratched your backs and kept you outta jail.
Well, now it's time to say thank you.
Go show those little bitches you don't mess with Roman Sionis.
Half a mil to whoever brings me the girl alive.
The rest you can kill.
Oh, no, no, no. Not that one. Sentimental value. Try this.
You're kidding. What? Gotta take care of the girls.
Isn't this fun? It's just like a sleepover.
We should order pizza. Make cosmos.
-Harley, focus. Yeah. -Okay.
Hey, nice. What the hell is up with this bow and arrow shtick?
It's not a fucking bow and arrow. It's a crossbow. I'm not 12.
Love this chick. She's got rage issues. I don't have rage issues.
You know, psychologically speaking, vengeance rarely brings the catharsis we hope for.
Are we ready? Bad guys, just outside.
Shit. Get down.
Follow me! Go, go, go, go!
You are so cool.
Okay. This way.
Get ready, ladies.
Don't worry. You're gonna make it. Okay? Okay.
What the... Go! Go, go, go!
Let me go!
Come on. Come on. It's okay. Come on.
You shouldn't have to see this.
Here, hold on to this for me, okay? That's all you think about.
Just close your eyes and hold it tight. Okay?
Here. Get down. Come on. You'll be safe.
We gotta go this way!
When the fuck did she have time to do a shoe change?
-Hair tie? -Yeah.
I got him!
Get back here, kid!
Who's got the kid?
Please, no more.
So, forgive me yet? Get off me!
Anyone else hungry? I know a great taco spot.
-I'm starving. -I love tacos.
Down! Get down!
You're okay. You're okay.
Just breathe. Just breathe. Let me check it.
Get off! I got you.
Aren't you glad you wore that? Sexy and bulletproof.
Harley! No! Get off me!
Harley! They got the kid. Shit!
We can't let them get her. I trust you.
One bullet? Please help me!
Has anyone got any bullets? Fuck! I'm out.
I can't get out there. I just need to get through.
We gotta go. We gotta move. Guys, they're in the car.
They're getting away. -Get in there! -Get off!
Shit! I'm out.
Guys, come on. They're closing in.
Canary, you know what you have to do!
Cover your ears! You better get her back.
Told ya she had a killer voice.
Need a ride?
Whip me! What?
-Whip me! -Okay.
Harley! Hit the brakes!
Well, we always did share a love of the dramatic.
And look at us now.
But don't you see? You're trying to kill me.
I'm the only one who can protect you!
You know you can't stand on your own, Quinn.
You're not the type!
But me? You need me!
Here's the thing, Romy baby.
Your protection is based on the fact that people are scared of you.
Just like they're scared of Mr. J.
But I'm the one they should be scared of.
Not you, and not Mr. J.
'Cause I'm Harley fucking Quinn.
That was super embarrassing. Hmm. Sure was.
You think you can beat me? You're a fucking moron.
I'm sorry, kid.
And I'm sorry I tried to sell you. That was a dick move.
For what it's worth, you made me want to be a less terrible person.
If we're apologizing for shit, I should tell you something.
Excuse me! I stole something from you.
You slippery-fingered little turd. I took your ring.
Cass! Harley! We're okay.
-You okay? -Yeah.
-He's gone? -Mmm-hmm.
Good. Fuck that guy. Yeah. Tacos?
No, but seriously. You were very impressive with that bow.
Very impressive. It's a crossbow.
I appreciate that. Thank you. Morning margaritas!
Thank you. I got you.
You drink, right, kid? I don't think so.
And I love that fucking name, Huntress. Really? - Yeah.
Oh, great name. Wow.
Um... I really like how you were able to kick so high in those tight pants.
Yeah, that is cool. Thanks.
Thanks for the car.
Kid, if that burrito doesn't make you shit, I don't know what will.
Give me a minute.
I've given her prune juice, laxatives.
I mean, the kid's got a stomach made of steel.
And you know what? I owe you an apology.
I underestimated you. And I'm sorry.
I'm used to it.
Uh, Harley! Bring the colander.
Ladies. Have fun with that.
So, what now?
Sionis is gone, but it's just a matter of time before some other asshole tries to finish what he started. Right.
We gotta clean this city from the inside out.
Does she always talk like the cop in a bad '80s movie, or is that just me?
Fuck you. And fuck you. What?
I mean, we were amazing there. Yeah! Hell yeah!
I agree completely. So I'll do that, as well.
Thank you. Right.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa!
She stole my fucking car! What?
I'm sorry. - I know what you're thinking.
You think I'm a dick after all that.
But you heard what the cop said. Sionis is gone.
And those guys? They're gonna be just fine.
Montoya's boss picked up the gangbangers at the Booby Trap.
And took all the credit while he was at it.
It was the kick in the balls she needed to see that she had nothing to prove to those blowhard assholes.
She quit the same day.
We got the secret bank codes off the diamond.
And Huntress got her family money back.
She's using it to fund a little crime-fighting outfit.
They call themselves the Birds of Prey.
I call them dorky little do-gooders.
The rock itself was worth a chunk of change, so I pawned it.
And I invested the cash in a little startup making waves in the East End.
Oh! And I found Bruce.
He was wandering around Chinatown.
I guess it proves the theory that hyenas really do have nine lives.
Yeah, yeah. I made the kid my apprentice.
Call me a softy.
I dare ya.