Nice titties. Knock it off!
Maurice, not now.
It was a compliment. How much longer?
Soon, sweetie. Mom?
Quiet. I just want to ask a question.
Why does Luke have such nice titties?
I said knock it off. Enough.
Playful teasing builds character.
Luke needs that.
Doctors Ben Morin and Catherine O'Neal were on a scientific journey, which began long before they were even born.
Catherine O'Neal was the only child of two prominent physicists who died tragically in a helium explosion when she was 12 years old.
She was raised by her aunt Libby, a prominent psychologist and... beer aficionado.
I think we owe them and we owe ourselves a better country than that.
Ben Morin came from a long line of scientists, every single one more successful than the last.
But as a child, Ben had no affinity for science.
He spent most Saturday mornings playing point guard with the neighbourhood kids.
You okay, son?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Sport isn't your calling, son.
But I almost had the rebound.
You're a scientist through and through. It's in your genes.
Now, come on, let's get some ice on that noggin.
I'm okay to play.
You are better than this.
Ben never played basketball again.
I'm not gonna tell you twice now! Come on.
And took his rightful place in the family tree.
He focused on his schoolwork and developed a sharp scientific mind and a healthy appetite for success.
For years, his sex life consisted of masturbating to women's equestrian riding on Sunday afternoons.
But he finally found true love when he met fellow PhD student Catherine O'Neal.
They devoted their careers to proving the ultimate power of nurture over nature to finally answer the timeless question:
Could we have been anyone other than who we are?
Maybe he needs some fluids, I don't know. What do you think? Yeah.
They enjoyed the prestige of being university professors, but were about to redefine their measure of success.
For decades, my foundation has invested in scientific endeavour of all kind.
And the one common thread I find with all scientists is the fundamental belief that they can contribute to the advancement of humankind.
A noble conviction.
But most of us, myself included, make very safe choices.
Yet aren't we always inspired by the rebels?
The ones who lay it all on the line?
The ones throughout history who dared to believe that the earth wasn't flat.
The Darwins, the Einsteins who were considered crazy we now know to be visionaries.
These minds only come around every couple of generations, so it's important for all scientists to believe that they possess the ability to be one of the greats.
To be one of the rebels.
As scientists, it is your duty to teach us to see the world a different way, and to hopefully make our world a better place.
And so, if you feel that you're one of those revolutionary minds that can think outside the box, I am standing in front of you today to ask you to think outside of that box too.
Randolph P. Gertz III was the great-grandson of Archibald Gertz, who built an empire exporting linen from Belfast in the 19th century.
Despite a strict Catholic upbringing by his mother, Gertz was lured by the family fortune and enjoyed every penny of it.
After his father's death, Gertz challenged himself to take charge of his life and created the Gertz Foundation for the Sciences.
After years of... debatable success, he remained determined to prove to the world he wasn't a papa's boy.
Are they here?
I think we might have ourselves a winner.
Thanks for coming. Thanks for having us.
You've met my personal assistant, Ms. Phyllis Tridek.
We did. I'll be right back.
I gotta tell you, of all the proposals I read, yours really knocked my socks off.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Come. Let's hit the boudoir.
In 1920, at Johns Hopkins University, a Professor named John Watson wanted to prove that all emotions and behaviours are learned.
So he had a baby, known as Little Albert, play with a white rat, which the kid loved.
But Watson started making a loud noise every time the kid touched the rat, and, eventually, the baby became afraid of the rat, even when he didn't make the noise.
Watson successfully taught the child to fear rats.
Conditioning 101. Hmm.
Essentially, uh, well, Pavlov and the dog. Hmm.
With your help, we believe we could actually prove this on a much larger scale.
And unlike Watson, we'd foster positive behaviours, not fear.
Our idea is very simple:
We want to raise our soon-to-be-born child, and two other kids, contrarily to their genetics.
Yeah, so... so with your support, we would very much like to adopt Maya.
She's just been put up for adoption and comes from a long line of dim-witted individuals.
Hmm. Her parents were... simple people.
Hmm. Very simple.
Idiots? Yes. Idiots.
But we would nurture the smartest little girl you've ever seen.
Oh, she'll be smart as a whip. Ka-tch!
And obviously, with your generous support, we would adopt, uh... Maurice.
Now, his ancestors were, uh... angry, aggressive... and in some cases...
Pretty violent, actually. Yeah.
But we would... we'd raise him to be a pacifist.
Like Gandhi? Yeah, like the Mahatma.
Hmm. And as you can see, Catherine is very pregnant. I should pop any day, really.
And we would raise our son to be... an artist.
So the son of two scientists is gonna be raised as an artist.
Thus proving the power of nurture.
And you have no ethical concerns about this?
No. Why should we?
I mean, it's no different to most parents who, you know, encourage their kids to play piano or be doctors or super athletes.
Yeah. And at the end of the day, what matters most is how much you love your kids, right?
And we're gonna give our kids every ounce of love we got.
And... and more importantly, we will prove that everyone has the potential to become anything.
Any... I mean, anything. No one... Yeah.
No one is a prisoner of their genetic heritage. No way.
And you believe you can pull this off?
Well, if that's the case...
...let's start changing the world.
Well, thank you so much.
In the spring of 1978, Ben and Catherine quit the university and moved to a cottage Ben inherited from his father, Henry, who had inherited it from his father before him.
And Gertz hired them an assistant.
Sorry to disturb you, but I'm done with the reports.
What about the bassinets? The bassinets are clean.
Okay. Why don't you, uh, take the evening off, Sammy?
Thank you. (narratorKonstantino Samsonov was an ex-Olympic shooting medalist who defected from the Soviet Union by hiding in a pastry truck at the 1976 Montreal games.
Want to go for a ride?
Samsonov graduated with a certificate in Child Psychology...
...from the Lake Champlain evening program, which qualified him as natural caregiver for the children.
Oh, no, no, no.
As toddlers, Luke, Maurice and Maya listened to classical music to stimulate their neurological pathways and cerebral juices.
Dad, why is Luke such a fart face?
Hey. Maurice, that's not nice. And for the last time, put your PJs on, please.
Every feeling, urge and emotion Luke felt was channelled into artistic expression.
You okay? No!
Do you want to sing about it?
I think you should.
Maya's diet... Enjoy.
...was rich in omega-3s and iron to help develop memory and intelligence.
Her days and nights were filled with intellectual pursuits.
Food enters the intestines and is digested with enzymes...
And her knowledge was showcased on a daily basis.
...before being absorbed into the bloodstream.
Hey. Hey, hey. Mom!
Remember what the Mahatma said:
"An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind."
I'm getting Sammy.
Maurice meditated every day to better himself and better the world.
You feel calm and safe here.
At peace with yourself.
Two, three times a two equals a six, but it is not at its lowest form if...
(narratorIn addition to the experiments they underwent every day...
Fractions can be friends. So take the top line, two times one...
...they were also homeschooled the standard government curriculum.
Throughout its 12-year duration, the children were oblivious to any scientific experiment.
They lived with the ups and downs of any normal, dysfunctional family.
They are arriving!
Hey, don't forget to tell them you're about to write your first play.
They are coming!
How was the trip? Swell.
Hey, you guys! Give us hugs. We missed you!
I brought the usual goodies.
Look at them. They're all like kudzu.
What's that? Kudzu is a... it's a Japanese plant. Grows like crazy.
And books. Look what I got for you.
Do you have Sports Illustrated?
The periodical? No, the shampoo line.
Hey, be polite.:
Who punched you in the nose? Come on, let's shake a leg.
And what is your answer?
The Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1895?
Uh... I mean 6.
Write it down, Maya.
This time, we'll be conducting a test called the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children.
Is it hard? No harder than usual, sweetie.
Just do your best.
Jack has $56 for the market.
By the end of the day, he has used $19.
What percentage of his money has he spent?
Three, two, one... Go.
A- about a third.
You don't need to say it, sweetie. Just write it down.
On a scale of one to 10... Get them in here, please.
One "not angry at all and 10 being "furious," how would you react if you overheard your brother or sister saying bad things about you?
One. Not angry at all.
You wouldn't be mad?
"Anger always ends in shame." Ben Franklin said that.
Do you agree with Mr. Franklin?
Of course. Maya would never say anything bad about me, anyway.
And my brother's a fag, so, yeah... definitely one.
(manOkay, one last series. Um... summer. Uh, winter.
Think as creatively as you can.
Clown. - Listen. - Party.
Relationship. Uh... breakup.
Water. So... what is going on here?
What do you mean? I'm not seeing superstars.
They're hesitant, they're docile, they're... average. Average?!
It means the opposite of superstar.
With all due respect, things are looking pretty positive.
We're not looking for "pretty positive," Catherine.
I tell you all the time, so I'll tell you again:
Now, these results need to be rock-hard solid.
The study needs to be like a slap in the face.
Our results are rock-hard solid.
We're gonna be, uh, slapping a lot of faces.
We're deep into the last year here, people.
There's no room for complacency. Capisce?
And may I remind you that our deal clearly states that if this fails or blows up in your face, you pay me back every penny.
Well, we're not failing.
Well, I'm no Randy Warhol, but answering "cat" when the question is "dog" is not a sign of artistic genius.
He was being ironic.
Did he learn that from his mother, do you think?
I don't doubt it.
Neither do I.
Cut the Little House on the Prairie routine and get your shit together.
Okay. Drive safe.
Who wants a warm bowl of bisque?
That sounds lovely.
You guys go ahead.
Just saw Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
We need a powwow ASAP.
Call Kukiku. I need a goddamn rub.
Yeah, it's me. He needs a rub.
Gertz came to visit twice a year, like clockwork.
It was usually a cheerful formality that ended with too many vodka martinis.
But today, Ben and Catherine felt no cheer.
No cheer at all.
Ow! Ow! That hurts!
Oh, it hurts? Ah!
Swing it harder! Put your whole weight behind it.
Bend over, bend over! Three and a-two, and a-one and a... Ow!
I want to go again! I want to go again!
Ow. Good one. - Turn around, turn... - Alright, fine.
Hey! You stop that! What are you doing?!
Nothing. It's just a game.
You're hurting yourselves! That's the point.
Oh, to hurt yourselves?
Sammy, just give it a minute, please.
Mom, it's just a game. Relax. It's totally cool.
No, not cool! Now... go to your rooms.
This is bullshit!
I need some anger-discharge training here, please.
Right away. Oh, yes.
I know what to do.
Here we go again, little pitbull.
Time to fix you. Come. This is your lucky day.
Do you feel the serotonin flowing through your veins?
Not really. You will, you will.
Okay. Very nice.
Two more minutes.
Kids are asleep.
What do we do? What?
What do we do?
About Gertz? Yeah, Gertz.
What can we do? Well... we have to do something.
Well, I'm more concerned about the slapping.
The... the paddle thing? Yeah. It was weird.
Meh... kids. That's what kids do. They horse around.
Still, it's... it's weird.
Well, Gertz is weirder.
But he's right, you know. We can't afford to be complacent.
Ugh, God, I really need to integrate flossing more regularly in my daily routine.
Can you remind me, Cath?
Theatre... is an act of war.
Let the play speak for itself.
The children slapping their butts with the paddles was a curious event, to say the least. Very curious.
Come on. Show's about to start.
I am finishing up the monthly report.
I will be there in two minutes.
I must get laid very soon.
I must get laid very soon.
Hello, and welcome to the premiere of Kitty Kat.
A Q&A will follow. Enjoy the show.
Looks like you with a beard. - Really? - Yeah.
I think he's playing Lincoln. The following story may sound unbelievable, but I assure you that every word of it is true.
My name is Bobby and I've lived on a farm my whole life.
I inherited the farm from my daddy, who inherited it from his daddy before him.
I'm what Cal Smith would call a real country bumpkin.
Living on a farm is hard work and I love every minute of it.
But it can be lonely. Really lonely.
I'm so lonely.
The long days make it practically impossible for a guy like me to meet any women.
But all that changed last week when I noticed a car just farther up the road.
The hood was popped open and the sweetest little ass I have ever seen was bent over checking out the engine.
Her name was Kitty Kat.
I'm Kitty, but you can call me Kitty Kat.
Hmm. I stared at her long and hard.
Flowing blond hair and her hard breasts bursting out of her snug white T.
Excuse me? Shhh.
The moment was electric. We barely spoke, and before I knew it, I was rubbing up against her backside.
Okay, okay, show's over.
My johnson was purring like a V8.
Within minutes I was balls-deep inside her.
Okay, yeah... I said enough. What is this?
Who wrote this? Where'd you get it?
Uh, from the book. Uh, Penthouse Magazine.
I need some air. It's not...
Luke, I'm-I'm disappointed in you.
I mean, you should really, really let your characters speak for themselves.
The use of a narrator, it's weak dramaturgy.
It really is. Okay.
Lock it up.
Catherine? Sweetie? Confirm your status, or I'll be forced to break down this door.
Leave me alone. Oh, come on, let me in, please. Cath.
Our kids just put on a play based on pornographic material.
I'm as far from okay as one can be and I have a fucking migraine.
I just asked Samsonov to lock up his skin mags, so...
Good work, Columbo. Problem solved.
Catherine, you're gonna start driving yourself crazy with this.
You're just having a mild panic attack.
Okay? Go for a run. Do something.
You just don't get it, do you?
I know you're upset. You're damn right I'm upset.
I'm sorry. I will lock everything up.
My private collection will soon be like Fort Knox.
That's great. How do you want to handle this?
What you want me to do?
I want you to care that Maurice wants to be "ball deep" into Maya!
Oh, come on, it's a play. Fictional characters.
They probably don't even know what "ball-deep" means.
Oh, yes, they do! Big deal.
Our son just directed his first play.
These... are rock-hard-solid results.
I don't care about...! Fuck Gertz!
I want to get an outside opinion.
About what? Well, I want to know if... fake-humping your sister onstage in front of your parents is part of the normal sexual development of a child.
Of course it is.
You think this is funny? No?
What if it's deviant sexual development?
And what about the whole canoe ass-slapping incident?
What if it all adds up to, uh... dissociative behaviour?
Deviant sexual development?
We need to focus on what's important here.
Gertz is right.
We need results.
Oh, honey pie, we're so close.
No... What are you doing?
I am reassuring you. Mom?
Maurice put this on my bed. Oh my G... Just get rid of it.
Can I put it on his bed? No! Just get rid of it!
And put on some decent clothing while you're at it!
Mom's right. Just get rid of it, honey. God!
Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, just let it all go.
Don't say my name repeatedly. It's condescending.
I just want someone who can tell me my kids are okay.
You tried to flush it? Why not?
Oh, come on, you're smarter than that.
We need help.
Okay, I want Julie.
Dr. Julie Bouchard was a child psychiatrist and an old friend of Catherine's whom she had not seen in over a decade.
Ben despised Julie.
I'm so happy to see you!
He considered her a mediocre scientist at best, and attributed her academic success to her sculpted cheekbones.
Hi, Ben. Hey, Julie.
How's the, uh... how's the old campus?
I'm running three labs now. Wow!
Published four times last year.
Yeah, life's good, life's good. My God! That's amazing! Congratulations!
How about you guys? How's country living?
Yeah. Life is... it's, uh... it's very good.
It's pretty sweet. Great.
Julie, thank you so much for, you know, coming all this way. Long trip.
Uh... but, uh, to be honest, I think that my wife - my lovely wife - may have overreacted.
A little bit. A smidge. And the kids are fine, they're really fine, really great.
They're fucking awesome. Ben, please.
We cool here? We cool.
I... Okay, so I thought I'd take them out, see how they operate on their own.
Sounds good to me. We should stick around here. We usually take them out.
Don't worry, Ben. We'll be back by suppertime. Where are the kids?!
It's always Luke and the two others. Oh, shut up.
I got a surprise! Come on!
Coming! What the hell is wrong with her?
Come on, Luke, run like a good little dog to Mommy.
Asshole. That is what you are.
You are the biggest asshole I have ever set eyes upon.
What can I say? You got yourselves some kick ass kids.
They're... they're awesome.
Ha! What'd I tell you? Thank you, Julie. Thank you.
Awesome how? Well... even after 12 years of homeschooling, they were perfectly at ease in this social environment.
They weren't intimidated.
So now dissociative behaviour symptoms?
Catherine, listen, I've worked with hundreds, if not thousands, of teenagers, I've seen them steal, drink, lie, beat up their parents, beat up each other, beat themselves up, touching themselves... touching each other, touching their pets.
To varying degrees, it's all somewhat normal.
So I know my analysis is extremely superficial, but trust me, your kids are fine.
No, Julie... my kids are not fine.
What am I missing here?
It's a very interesting analysis you made.
You like lamb? Lamb? Yeah.
Then stay for dinner.
I made kebabs, and a light garden salad.
Where did you get this?
Hmm? Where did you get this?!
Julie gave it to us.
Maurice, do your breathing exercises.
I knew it. I fucking knew it.
Maybe throw in some horseradish.
You gave this to our kids?
They liked it in the car, so I gave it to them. Is it a problem?
Calm down, Ben.
It's just music.
You should leave.
What is wrong with you? Please go.
You are such a freak. Always have been.
Pack up your shit... and go!!
Come back. Come on. No.
You two... you two are a mess.
If anyone needs help here, it's you. It's not your kids.
Sorry. Bye, Julie.
I'll be in the shower.
300 miles per hour. That's impossible.
You can't even drive the lawnmower.
I can totally drive. Want to bet?
It's really not that hard. Sammy showed me.
Well, I could do it. Maurice, come on, everyone already knows I'm a way better driver than you anyway.
I... don't think this is a good idea anymore.
What are you talking about? Of course it is!
For Luke, Maurice and Maya, the afternoon spent frolicking in the pool, away from their parents, triggered an awakening.
Meanwhile, Ben and Catherine were finding it increasingly difficult to agree on the right course of action.
And had not gone for a horsey ride in weeks.
What the hell are they doing here?
Hi! Hi! What a surprise! This is so cool!
I got goodies!
Have you heard of Alfred Russel Wallace?
Uh... reggae guy? No.
Potentially the greatest field biologist of his time.
Like Darwin, he proposed a theory of evolution.
Yet nobody's ever heard of him.
A man completely forgotten by history.
Why do you think that is?
Because Darwin published first.
He simply wanted it more.
He was more determined.
What is this?
Two Portuguese scientists are conducting the same experiment as you guys.
They've got two pair of twins, and they're nurturing them on intelligence, creativity, aggression, and sexual orientation.
So you see, there's no point in being Alfred fucking Wallace.
Damn those Portuguese. Every time.
But... this is medieval.
It has nothing to do with what we're doing here.
You're missing the point. Well, you may like these short-term results of these Portuguese guys, but that's exactly what they are: short-term.
In 10 years' time, these kids are gonna be whacked.
Whacked? Yeah! You can't raise kids like caged animals.
We have brought up our kids as normally as possible given the circumstances, and I'm only hoping now that they'll be okay.
Catherine, you're not listening to me.
We are way past the point of discussion here.
Now, what I want from you is to act on what I'm telling you!
Oh, oh, oh! So you want us to go medieval on our kids? Have you lost your fucking mind?
Can you calm her down? Is there a switch? No.
Oh, my God. Anything wrong here?
Nobody cares about the second man on the moon, Catherine!
We need to be the first.
Well, not like this. If that's your attitude, maybe you're not ready to finish this job.
I want the kids.
What do you mean, you want the kids?
If you don't have the humility to learn from your Portuguese counterparts, I'm gonna ask Phyllis here to take care of them for the final sprint.
What? Your maid?
Personal assistant. And they love her.
You need to get the fuck out of here! Excuse me?
Oh, you heard me! Back on your horse, Billy fucking Bronco!
Turn that off!
Mom! Dig deep!
Find that serenity!
Yeah, she's been really strung out, but don't worry, we're gonna do what we have to do.
For sure, that's all I want to hear. Here. Take this.
Mm-hmm. Who the hell's Bronco Billy?
Mom! Dig deep!
Phyllis can be very maternal! Could be good for everyone!
It's a win-win!
Think about it!
That's it. Shit!
Let it all out! Like the rivers of Babylon!
Take off! Take off! Quick!
What are you doing?! Oh, my God!
That goddamn cavewoman... just stuck an axe in my chopper!
What was that?! You need to calm down. Don't even.
What was to be gained by threatening to take away their children?!
Oh, put a sock in it, Phyllis!
Your behaviour was only disgraceful!
You're a personal assistant! This is above your pay scale, don't you think?
I love you guys.
Tough day, huh?
Do you want me to leave?
Mm. No, stay.
Want to talk about Gertz?
Want to talk about the kids?
Want to talk about my... stunning Olympic career?
You know, it was my great-grandfather who taught me how to... shoot.
Oh. I didn't tell you, eh?
Yes, he was born in Greece and he moved to Estonia, and he had a farm and I shot all sorts of things: rocks or, you know, wood. Not animals, you know, unless we were going to eat them. But...
Let's just, uh...
Let's just not talk.
Is that okay? Okay.
Good night, Mom.
Yeah, I just have one question.
Um. Do you think I'm more like you or like Mom?
That's a big question.
That's a good question.
Uh... I mean...
Hang on. Okay.
Here's the thing, Luke.
Your play, Kitty Kat.
Borderline inappropriate, but you're an artist, Luke, and what I got from it was you are at an age where there's - pfft - a lot of stuff stirring up inside you, a lot of energy, a lot of sexual energy, and, boy...
...that's a powerful force. A force...
...that you can learn to use to your own advantage.
Pay attention, son.
Uh, yeah, uh... this is... was known, often, uh... often called... erotic art.
Yeah, uh, I, um, I really don't want to do this.
I know, I know, but I want you to do is, I want you to summon up that energy.
I want you to harness that energy, I want you to channel that force, that sexual force inside you.
And I want you to just, you know, release it into dance.
Y-you want me to dance my sexual emotion?
Exactly. I want you to just, you know, dance your sexual emotions.
Ahem. With you?
No... I mean... No, no. No.
But I've seen you dance... man.
Give it a try. Who knows what's gonna happen.
Just really commit.
Commit to this.
I know it's a bit embarrassing, but just really, come on!
Give it your all.
Think about these ladies. This is good stuff.
Look at them. Whoop. Hello.
Let it go! Stop thinking about it. Just...
Well, actually, I'm sorry, no.
Let's try it again, though. Come on, come on. Come on, it's just me.
What? Luke? Luke? You're gonna do this, son, one way or another. Come on.
This is science. No one messes with science.
You're probably more like your mother.
Kids, could you stop that? Your mother's sleeping!
Hey, you're up.
You feeling better?
Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, well, you know, you were riding the booze train pretty hard last night, so...
Yeah, well... what? Hmm?
I mean, you attack our financier and then you drink yourself half to death and sleep in until - whoa! - three in the fucking afternoon. Wow!
We got a job to do here. Get your shit together, Catherine, or...
Thanks, Sammy. I'll let you know when we're ready.
Sammy's driving me to the doctor. I'm taking the kids with me.
What's wrong? I've got chest pains. I can't breathe.
And this migraine's not going away. Ahem.
Just... sleep it off. You'll feel better tomorrow.
I'm going to the doctor. End of story.
Well, I'll look after the kids... if you want.
I don't trust you.
You fucking the Ruskie?
Are... you... fucking the Ruskie?
That. Has. Got. To. Stop!
I just had to say... a lot of these ex-athletes, acute cases of gonorrhoea, you know. Yep.
Ciao, ciao. Dick.
And how long has this been going on?
A couple weeks.
Has this happened before? No. Well...
Yeah, but... I mean, not really. Uh...
When I was 18 years old, I wvery sexually active.
Like... a voracious falcon.
It was such a great release for me.
I was just living it up. I mean, God!
Oh, what a crazy time.
And now, it's...
Well, it's different.
I'm-I'm immersed in my work.
Day in, day out, it's, like, kids, work, kids, work.
I mean, I can't even really... remember the last time I had any fun.
I mean... real... fun.
I guess what I'm getting at is, uh...
...my husband is driving me absolutely bonkers right now.
I mean, he would hate it if I told you this, he would kill me, but, uh...
...he likes me to dress up as a thoroughbred.
I put on this little tail and it's really... it's very silly, and I just want to be 18 again.
I want to be free like that falcon.
Am I making any sense?
Can you take some time off work?
A woman in your state shouldn't be working.
You need to disconnect.
If I had a tranquilizer gun, I'd shoot you with it right now, and you'd thank me for it, but I don't, so...
I'm gonna prescribe these...
You can up the dosage as you see fit.
Okay. Thank you.
The TV was stolen!
How's your mother? The diagnosis is vague.
Dad, where is all the food?
Where's the TV?
It's gone! Gone where?!
Where's my wife?
She went to bed.
She needs her rest.
Dad, seriously, where's the TV?
What happened? Hmm? What did the doctor say?
He said I needed to take a break.
Okay, well, um... uh...
Actually, I think we could all use a break.
Hmm? A real break, like... like a trip.
You know? We could... pack up the car and go somewhere.
It's just not the right time.
It's the perfect time. Think about it.
We... could drive down the coast.
Take the kids out of the lab.
Go into the real world.
Oh, it could be so great.
What the hell are these?
They're very, very strong...
Get some rest, okay?
Oh, hey, and I want to stop the experiments until I'm feeling better.
I can't do that.
Oh, God... stop.
Oh... don't bullshit me, Ben!
All I'm asking for is a couple of days.
At that exact moment, Ben felt he had lost.
But failure was not an option.
This is good. Thank you.
Under no circumstances would he yield to the Portuguese.
Guys. Please. Eat up.
Is there anything else?
Legumes offer unparalleled nutrition.
That's something we could all use right now.
Yes, your father's right.
All these beans make you strong.
Many different kinds.
Oh, just eat half. Whatever.
Are there any new protocols I should be briefed about?
You threw out the television and burned many books.
I feel there has been a change of plan.
There is. Or there was.
But, uh, Catherine has asked me to put everything on hold.
So what should I write in the weekly report?
What do you mean?
Well, won't it look strange to have a pause at such a crucial time?
If I may, I really don't think this is the time to be taking a pause.
Catherine's not really in the mood for negotiating right now.
Uh, you know, she's pretty out of it.
You're right. She will be out of it for a few days.
I will start on dishes.
This is a big day for you.
Sweetie, I'm sorry to say, you're just not Daddy's little girl anymore.
You'll always be Daddy's little little girl, pumpkin, but you're getting to an age when you're gonna have to start making a lot of decisions for yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
A lot of judgment calls.
But this, this game, whoa, it's gonna help.
Can I take it? Sure.
Careful. It's so cute!
You know, millions of mice like this one, every day sacrifice for the progress of mankind.
What are we going to do? Good question. Okay.
The mouse enters here and you have to help him find his way out by opening or closing these doors.
But if you make a mistake, there are consequences. What?
Know that there are consequences to bad decisions, just like life.
Let's play mouse-tricity.
Good girl. That's it.
You're doing really well, Maymay.
Oh, he's at an impasse.
Mm-hmm. Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, okay. Oh, oh, oh... wrong door.
Stop! What are you doing?!
You killed it! You took all the decisions, you gotta take responsibility. You killed it, Dad!
You're so mean! I hate you! Maya... don't be upset. It's just... a mouse.
Why would you do this?!
What the hell is going on here?
Whoa, hon, you shouldn't be walking around.
You should go back to bed.
You promised... you promised me a hiatus.
Well, a lot of promises were made, Catherine. A lot of promises were made.
Well, so, what are you doing?
I knew you'd react like this, so I had to push on.
I couldn't tell you. Well...
Yeah, I'm-I'm telling the kids.
About what? Everything.
I'm just... I'm gonna tell them everything.
Ca-Catherine, this is no time to act crazy. Just listen to me.
No! You listen to me.
You are the crazy one, okay?!
I mean, look at yourself, for chrissakes!
You look like a goddamn mental patient!
I look like a mental patient?! Take a damn look in the mirror, sweetheart!
United, we stand. Divided, we fall.
Uh, good, but just try it again.
United, we stand!
Divided, we fall.
I can't. I'm just so sick of it.
I'm sick of it.
Come on. Catherine!
Catherine? Oh... Catherine!
Luke? - Open the door! - Guys!
Stop, Catherine! - Where are you?! - You can't do that!
Don't do it! They're not even here.
What are you doing?! Stop, stop! Stop!
Luke, open the door. This is dangerous.
What is she saying? She's drunk.
She loves the Dutch? I'm so sorry!
She's horny and wants some brew?
Cut this engine right now!
You're in a lot of trouble, young man!
Open up. Stop! Put down the window!
Listen, we lied to you. Here we go!
So what the bejesus happened?
They, uh, they caused a 19 car pileup on the 141.
Hmm. - Wow. - Not a scratch on them, but Social Services got a court order, so...
So... now we can't see the kids.
Now, I believe this incident falls under the... blowing-up-in-your-face clause.
Which is... paragraph 36-B.
Since there's been a breach in the contract, that means that you're obligated to refund - according to my astute accountants - a little over $1.4 million.
Hold on here. W- we had our knees cut as we were crossing the finish line.
We had... this. We had this in the bag.
Well, now you're holding an empty bag.
And I won't lie to you.
The timing of this incident could not be better.
We lost our kids. You get that, right? Does he...? He gets that, right?
Oh, I do. That's why I'm willing to deal here.
To be frank, I haven't been... perfectly forthcoming with you.
What do you mean?
I'm so sorry. Zip it, Phyllis.
No, what? I swear, I had no idea of the extent of the deception until recently.
I said zip it, Phyllis.
What deception? You see, throughout history, scientists have used humans and animals as guinea pigs.
So where do you draw the line between protecting dignity and promoting progress?
I don't understand, I...
Well, in this case, science is a guinea pig.
You're the guinea pigs.
My guinea pigs.
What do you mean? Yeah.
Well... while you were experimenting on your kids, I was experimenting on you.
Well, the working title The Rationalizing of Unethical Behaviour for the So-Called Greater Good.
My... my editor wants something with a bit more pizzazz.
What are you gonna write?
Well, basically, that you've been using your kids as lab rats. That's the basic premise.
How dare you? The hell do you... know?
What the hell can you, uh, even write about?
I- I... You know, I'm...
Well... Samsonov kept a tight log...
...of every minute detail.
And you! Our kids loved you.
What about the, uh... the, uh... Portuguese?
I made that up.
There were no Portuguese, Ben. I just did it to see how far you were willing to go.
You... you cuntbag.
Don't you see how fucking unethical this is?
I mean, do you see the irony here?
Can we remain professional here?
Now, I am willing to rip up your contract and forget about the $1.4 million if you sign this short but effective release form.
It's pretty straightforward. It basically says that I forget about your debt, and in return, you have no say over what I publish.
You've ruined everything!
Come on. See it as turning over a new leaf.
It's a new day.
Hello. Hello, Ben.
How are you?
How are... the children?
Why you do that... to me?
Why? Why the balls?
Ben and Catherine exhausted every possible option, both legal and illegal, to retrieve their children, but failed time and time again.
I see you're taking the, uh, canoe paddle.
Hmm. Which is mine.
Yeah, but you're living in the city now, so...
I left you the spare.
And after 13 years of marriage, they parted ways.
Social Services helped place the children at the Saint-Patrick Academy, a therapeutic boarding school for kids coming from difficult circumstances.
Sequestered from their parents, their integration was immediate and seamless.
Maya was a top-notch student...
Push down. It melts the snow and reduces friction. What?
...excelling in several disciplines.
But had little interest in her studies.
Maurice developed a keen interest in Asian philosophies and volunteered his time as a referee with the Saint-Patrick Boxing Bandits.
Anger is poison. Always respect your opponent.
Fight fair. Carry on, boys.
Luke joined a group of artists known as The Saint-Patrick Four, now rebranded the Saint-Patrick Five, who were committed to publicly expressing their every instinct.
Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you:
Luke felt The Uniboob was misunderstood and channelled his energy into a passion project.
Both parents felt overwhelming agony about being cut from their children.
Catherine found solace on the treadmill, but her greatest fear realized moments before the commercial break.
Gertz's publication was ranked 17th on the National Bestseller list.
"The doctors used their kids like a chef uses an egg, as an ingredient for something greater.
The eggs were whipped and beaten for 12 excruciating years in an attempt to make the ultimate omelet."
They're dead to me. I never want to see them again.
I think I'm having a seizure.
You, uh... you've come back for the paddle?
I thought you should see this.
I don't get it.
Well, those are our kids. They're the guinea pigs.
What guinea pigs?
When is the last time you left the house?
I don't know. Last, uh... Wednesday maybe.
The whole school knows who they are.
They're gonna be humiliated and bullied or... who knows what else.
I really screwed up, didn't I?
Clean yourself up and come with me, okay?
I'll... explain everything in the car.
I'll wait outside.
May I help you? Hi, I'm Linda McCoy. I'm just here to see my kids.
Who? Yeah, yeah, just some family business.
I'll be back in a jiff. Excuse me!
Oh, my God.
Bend that front knee, Jarred.
There you go.
Lead with the arm, Brittany. There you go! Excellent.
You guys see that? That's great form.
In with the arm, Brit...
Uh... excuse me? Yeah.
Can I help you? Uh...
We're just, we're just, uh... we're looking for, uh... we're looking for our kids.
Oh! Do you have a permission slip?
There's been a bereavement. Their grandmother. Horrible accident.
Okay, well, I can't really release the kids without...
We spoke to, uh... Phyllis. Guys, uh, just... stay here...
You're hurting my arm!
Stop whining, son, and pick up the pace.
You need permission!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Is there a key for this? - I'll get the keys. - Alright.
Honey. Okay, look, the, uh... that book is a gross exaggeration.
It's a pack of lies. Yep.
Not all of it. When did you plan on telling us the truth?
I tried to.
When? The day you left.
You said you were horny and needed some brew. Something about the Dutch.
What? No. I said this is all a mistake; I love you with all my heart.
That's not what you said. I remember exactly what your mother said.
She said, "We... we lied to you.
I'm sorry and I love you very much."
Who cares, okay? You lied to us and used us for 13 years.
It wasn't a lie. It didn't feel like a lie, did it?
It does now. Okay, look, look.
...we made a mistake, okay? But we did it with love.
I mean, we-we-we always wanted the best for you. Always.
Yes. Everything was for you.
No, it wasn't, okay? You're not us.
You don't know what it's like for us to have parents like you, okay? You don't.
Mr. and Mrs. Morin?
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to open the door.
Oh, God, could you just please stop it with the Gestapo bullshit?!
Okay, please come out.
Okay, that's... Okay. You let go.
Okay, okay. Alright.
Guys? Okay, you're gonna come with me.
No, no, don't pull her like that!
Alright, alright, alright. Please come on.
Hey, don't you touch me! Ma'am, you have to leave.
You have to leave. What is this, a...
Ma'am. Don't... touch me!
Please, can you leave?
Ma'am. I'm sorry.
Hey, guys, get back. I can walk, okay?
I know how to walk. Is this a fucking school or a jail?
What did I say? Come on!
Again, thank you all for coming.
Now, before I sign all your books for you, I've got a little treat. Is Andre about?
Don't be nervous now.
I read your book. Well, the blurb.
Gertz's injury resulted in a deviated septum and, as you know, if you've ever had your septum deviated, it can be a pretty painful ordeal.
Phyllis! Get back here! I'm sorry.
After 51 years of loyal service to the Gertz family...
...I, too, decided to write a new chapter in my life.
Gertz pressed charges and Ben was convicted of assault causing bodily harm.
You're in, boy.
Surprisingly, incarceration was a very positive experience for Ben.
Good work, man. Let's go.
Well, I've visited regularly enough to know that Ben is a devoted father.
After only five weeks, and thanks in part to my testimony, Ben earned early release for good behaviour.
...respect instilled self-confidence...
Upon the parole board determining that it is in the best interest of the accused, and not contrary to the public interest, the board orders that the accused be granted a discharge that is conditional to successfully completing a period of probation of six months.
This proposed decision... Over the years, I became very fond of the Morin family.
Ben is good people.
...Section 84-32, subdivision...
As spring unfolded, Luke, Maurice and Maya requested to see their parents.
If you can't get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Simon & Garfunkel? George Bernard Shaw.
Enjoy the show!
Why would you do that?
Mom! Dad! I missed you. Hey, guys.
Look at you.
We're glad you're here. Yeah, come check it out.
Wow, that's so clever.
United, we stand.
Divided, we fall.