Black Knight (2001) Script

Watch out!


Yo, what's up with that?

Tommy quit. Looks like he went out in style.

You know Tommy. You better steer clear of Bostick today.

Come on, man. I invented the low profile. I ain't goin' near that.

Hey! Bostick wants to see everybody. Now!

Check it out. Openin' up two miles from here.

Hello, Castle World. I heard that.

We've survived a recession, two earthquakes and a health inspector...

Who, despite my many advances, turned out to be gay.

We're not goin' anywhere. We're gonna stay right here and compete with Castle World.

I've been providing quality jobs for this community for over 27 years.

I got an idea.

Why don't you cash out? Yeah, yeah. Go to Miami, Get you a Cadillac and one of them bald-Headed pool boys.

Everybody get to work.

Jamal, you can clean the moat.

Oh, come on...

But first I wanna talk to you.

Damn it, Jamal. Can't you look outside yourself for two seconds...

And just buckle down and help me? Why can't you help yourself?

Forget about the community and "providing' quality jobs" for people.

Take what money you got, and jet.

Book it. You feel me?

Get out. Bye-Bye.

You don't get it, do you?

I had high hopes for you.

Maybe you shouldn't have.


Clean up them battin' helmets while you're at it.

Urgh! Dang, man!

Man, this is like some Three Mile lsland, Exxon Valdez shit.

What other choice do we have, man?

In two weeks Castle World's gonna blow this place out the water.

We apply now, Avoid the rush.

Oh! You feel me?

Yes! Cos I can't keep doin' this, not here.

Oh. All right. OK.

To Castle World! To Castle World!

And then I go in... Aah!

You dead.


That's gotta be worth a lot of money. What?

Oh, hold on. Let me get something to get that out.


What the hell...? Hey, Steve!

Mrs. Bostick!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

The water's cold!

You disturb my peace.

What is your business here?

What the hell?

Oh, all right. I get it.

You had too much to drink, huh? Opening' party for Castle World?

Oh, you're upset. I ain't got no beef with you, dog.

Kindly address me with the proper respect.

I am Knolte of Marlboro.

And I am not a dog.

You may not be a dog, but you may wanna roll over.

Got my suit all soaked up.

Wait a minute. You ain't breathin', man!


He ain't breathin'! Um... 911!

911! White man down!

White man down!

I'm gonna get a little close to your mouth...

So if you wake up and you see a brother on you, I ain't like that.

It's about gettin' you to breathe.

So bear with me. Ahh!

Here we go. Here.

Oh, damn!

What you been eatin', spoiled nachos?

Wait. Wait, wait!

Uh, where...

Uh... Spray paint.

I ain't gonna spray-Paint you. No!

Ah, hold on.

Here we go.

Bahh! Agh!

You've saved my life.

Don't mention it. I owe you... thanks.

Don't even worry about it. Where do you live, man?

Come on. Here you go. Come on.

This is it? It is.

What the...?

Whoa, whoa. You got a license to have animals, man?

This is a big-Ass donkey. Do you have a license for this?

Homie, may I make a suggestion?

IKEA. Yeah, get you some end tables and some of them $5 lamps, man.

You know, and a futon. Then you'll be stylin'.

And try to wear somethin' on your feet that has a little give other than metal.

You know, get you the proper sneaker.

Are you hungry?

What is that, man?

'Tis food. 'Tis road kill, man!

Ugh. You know what? Get you some food stamps.

Just tell them you doin' bad. You know what I mean?

You know, if they don't believe you, ask a social worker to come through your spot, Check out where are you livin', cos this is...

It's like that, seriously.

And you oughta get yourself into a shelter, you know?

Try that. So, um...

Thank you for inviting me to your place.

Thank you For your... conversation.

You thankin' me for talkin' to you? I am a man reviled for my failings, For... for I have not served well my queen.

I must be crazy, man.

Here's two bucks. All right?

Get yourself some soap and, uh, some Tic Tacs.

I'm gonna get up outta here.

Freeway should be that way?

I'll find it.

Brother lost in the woods: not good.

Oh, hell, no! You know you did wrong!

Oh, shit! Castle World?

Mrs Bostick, you're in trouble.

You all seen that? They tried to run me...

Hold up! Hold up!

Hold up!

Hey, let me see your manager, OK?

I damn near got trampled by some of them dumb-Ass actors Takin' their job way too seriously!

Who be ye? Who be l?

I be stompin' your ass, you put your hand on me one more again!

OK? I'm from South Central.

Florence and Normandie.

Normandy? A thousand pardons.

We've been awaiting word from Normandy. Please, enter.

We'll inform the king of your arrival.

That's more like it. That's how brothers need to be treated, you know?

And talk to your boy, cos punks jump up to get beat down.

I'll holler!

Whoa. Castle World's got it goin' on:

Horses, costumes, smells...

Hello. Lose the hat, homie.

Thank you for saving our little village.

And such is the legend of the Black Knight.

The princess will look so beautiful!

It will be a wedding for the ages. Don't you agree?

Yes, but she doesn't love him.

So? She's but a woman.

What if a woman were not considered just a man's property...

And were free to choose her own husband?

Are you feeling ill? Let us pray it's not plague.

Should she be bled? No.

No, I'm quite well. It was just foolish talk.

Oh, damn.

That's what I'm talkin' about.


Allow me to introduce myself.



Oh, wait! Uh, look, darlin'. Don't cheat yourself, treat yourself.

Uh, look, uh...

I, uh, I don't... work here.

Yeah, I'm a talent agent.

I represent, uh, people like... Mariah... Denzel...

You can call him Zel. I'll let him know just you gonna call him Zel.

But I gotta tell you... I'm just gonna be upfront and say it. You are gorgeous.

You glow, girl.

You speak with an unusual tongue.

Oh, no, that's just how we talk in my neighborhood.

Now, look, first thing we gotta do is get some pictures taken.

You own a thong? A what?

OK, never mind. Why don't you just bring an old pair of drawers and cut the ass out?

You know? So just give me your number.


Excuse me? You asked my number.

I am one of the king's chambermaids, number seven.

Oh. Well, that must be your employee number.

No, I was talkin' about your phone number. Don't worry. I'll write my number down.

Anybody got a pen?

You can read and write? Yeah.

Who you been datin'? You gotta raise the bar.

Good day, ladies. How are you feeling today? Wait. I shall tell thee.


Very nice.

You especially, my Nubian queen.

Hey, what the hell is wrong with you, man? Don't you know that's sexual harassment?

Ah! You the idiot that damn near ran me over, aren't you?

Wait till I find your boss. He's gonna fire your metallic ass.

You would do well to mind your tongue, Moor.

Or I will cut it out and feed it to the dogs.

Come here. Nah, I'm just messin' with you, man.

I ain't no talent agent, so cut the act.

I'm just tryin' to get at her. Ain't she fine? Watch me work.

Moor! Do you mock me?

The king awaits thee, messenger.

You might want to take a chill pill, all right?

"Do you mock me, Moor?"

Hey, look, your boss makes you call him "king"?

We gotta talk union.

Yeah, man, that's not right. We gotta get you a dental plan.

We do apologize, sire. We did not expect your arrival for several weeks.

How shall I introduce thee? What do you mean?

Your formal introduction for your audience with the king.

Formal introduction?

Your Majesty, if I may have your attention?

Starting at small forward, From lnglewood High, Two-Time All-County Conference Player of the Year, the messenger from Normandy, Jamal "Sky" Walker!

That be l! What's up? What's happenin', y'all?

Thank you! Appreciate it, big homie! Thank you!

It's the...

Hey, what's up, now?

Oh, man! Now, that brings back memories.

You arrive early. My daughter and I welcome you. What news from Normandy?

Uh... what news?

Well, a couple of drive-Bys.

Other than that, same ol', same ol'.

When will the duke arrive to take my daughter's hand?

This is a hell of a setup you got here. I mean, I'm not lyin'. I mean, whoo!

You got to have major coins behind this. Who's backin' you - Puffy?

Silence, Moor! Tell me, when will the duke arrive?

Oh, I get it. You wanna see if I can improve.

OK, well, let's see...

The duke will arriveth...

In all his royal pomposity and splendor on Tuesday.

Tuesday! Ha. That is excellent news.

Ah. Phillip, have the servants ply this messenger with much food and drink.

And let him lay with any damsel he desires.

Except my daughter, of course.

Can I get a ride back to town? Oh, an excellent idea.

Phillip, show our guest the grounds.

Allow him rest, and then we shall ride, and ride we shall.

Oh, ho, ho! This is funky!

Hey, oh!

Y'all got the little cutout thing like the castles for real.

Hey, how you doin', Miss Darlin'?

Hey, look here. I'm in the presidential suite. Uh-Huh.

Yeah! Oh, so, I get it.

This is like a theme park and a hotel, right?

Sire? Y'all got the real brick.

None of that fake stuff, huh?

Oh, man! Oh, man! Hey, I need to use your bathroom.

Bathroom? What is that, I pray thee?

I gotta drain the... you know, drain the anaconda.

Ah, the privy. Yeah. Appreciate it.

Oh, got to go! Got to... Whoo!


Oh, damn!

Seriously, you think you're gonna charge people money to stay here And wipe their ass with straw?

Ain't gonna happen.

There's doo-Doo on top of the...

Tell me you don't see that shit!

And I mean that literally!

Where's the Texaco? Texaco?

What's happenin'? Where y'all goin'? To the beheading.

They're executing the leader of the rebellion. Y'all went all-Out. Y'all got the...

You said, say what? They're executing the leader of the rebellion.

Oh, that should be live. Let's check it out.

Remember that little honey I was hollerin' at?

Out the window? Yeah, yes, yeah!

Hey, that's tight!

Long live our deposed queen!

Power to the people!

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your rehearsal.

Please, proceed, proceed.

Y'all got a head that comes off? A neck that spurts blood?

Look at the head.

How do they make it look so real?

Oh, because it is real.

You have to calm yourself.

Calm myself? I was just holdin' a human head!

You'd think you've never seen an execution. Not lately!

Wait, uh...

OK, all right. What day is it?

Is it Sunday the 5th? Yes, messenger, I believe it is.

2001? Two?

It is the Year of our Lord, 1328.

Argh! The date frightens you?

You think it don't when it does! Oh!

I didn't mean...

OK, let me calm... Let me just relax.

That's what... a seat. It's a...

All right, is this how you use the chair?

OK, cos I don't really know if you should go...

I gotta go! But leave you cannot!

There's work to be done. You wear the medallion.

Well, lots of brothers wear medallions.

I got a cousin. He'll wear a manhole cover if you get a big enough chain.

You gotta put some bling-Bling on it, though.

You're nervous. Yeah, a little.

Cos this is not... I don't even know where I'm from.

When I walked in I saw, like, um...

Let me calm your spirits.

Oh, my damn. Y'all really know how to make a brother feel welcome.

Yeah. Let's make it happen! Huh?

Grab that leg for me right there. Why do you disrobe?

Um... Well, uh....

I saw you were gettin' out your drawers.

I wanted to show you that l, too, wear the medallion.

Yeah. You know what? That was my thinkin'.

Cos it looks just like mine right here. See? Of course.

I'm here to help you kill the king and return the kingdom to our deposed queen.

Say what? That's why we wear the medallion.

I was wearing my medallion cos I thought it looked good with my gear. You know?

So, how will you do it? Huh?

Poisonous snakes in his chamber, or drop him off the edge of the earth?

God knows he deserves it, after killing King John and stealing the throne from our queen.

He left a warning to all those who might dare oppose him.

What kind of warning?


I'll be goin' now. Yeah, I'm just gonna step...

We have a horse ready for you, sire. The king awaits thee.

Horse? You said you wanted to ride.


Oh, shit!

He's yours to ride. Me?

I haven't been, uh... totally honest to you about who I am.



I'm not only the duke's official messenger, But I'm also the court jester.

Messenger and jester.

An odd combination of talents.

Bring him on.

That is funny.


King Leo. Bastard.

I've a mind to slice him open and feed him to the masses.

Soon, brother. Very soon.

Come on, man. Help a brother out.

I admire his commitment.

He's no longer funny, but he refuses to give up on the joke.

Messenger and jester.

I have great respect for this man.

Does that feel better? Yeah.

Good. The bloodletting appears to be working.

What's that? It's to burn off the leeches.

The what?

Oh! Ah! Agh!

Now I gotta get home. Where's the lake?

Which lake? Where? The one with the... drunk-Ass homeless guy.

Uh... Knolte.


He's dead. No, he just smells dead.

Am I interrupting? Yes.

My apologies. There is a banquet tonight, and the king requests your presence.

Oh, I don't think I can make that.

My schedule just opened up.

Mmm. Hmm?

Let us celebrate the upcoming union between my daughter and the Norman duke.

He is coming, isn't he?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the duke?

Oh, no doubt. He'll be here.

Yeah, the duke, he just likes to stop off, you know, see the sights and, uh...

Stuckey's. He likes to stop at Stuckey's because they got a banana pie that he likes.

But he'll be here.

Allow me to carve.

Peas? Uh, uh...

Uh, please.

I'd like to learn more about your culture.

It is my understanding that the Normans are excellent dancers.

If you wanna know more about my culture, remove the dog from the table.

No offense, King, but the thing about dancing was a very stereotypical thing you said.

So, you cannot dance? Ahh!

Can I dance? Come on, man. That's how I get down.

Please, pleasure us with your skills.

Now? Mmm. Silence!

Servants, clear the floor, so Sky Walker may demonstrate some fine Norman dancing.


Time to get the boogie on. Oh, yeah.

Dance well, Moor.

I'm startin' to like this word "Moor" Iess and less.

Your Kingliness, special request?


Now, this is a pretty white crowd, OK? So nothin' too crazy.

OK? My life's dependin' on it.

OK, guys, I'm gonna need a bass line.

So I'm gonna need y'all to help me out here, cos I got a lot ridin' on this, man.

Cos y'all got the trumpets, so I'm gonna need y'all...

Sky Walker. Yeah?

I'm getting impatient. I got it together.

I just want the music to be crisp. Cos if it's crisp, you're gonna jam.

All right. Kick the beat, man. I need you to kick it like a white boy ain't never kicked it!

Kick it. Uh, follow me, OK?

Just, uh, one...



Excuse me. Um... y'all gonna get me killed!

Sky Walker! Uh, yeah?


We're ready, King. One...



I think our jester-Messenger knows not his place in society. Perhaps he should learn it.

Your tongue was in my mouth, swimming around like an eel.

Yeah, it's called a French kiss. From Normandy?

Florence and Normandie. Show me more of this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me. You have no business with this woman.

She was comin' on to me.

Are you accusing our fair princess of having an interest in thee?

No, I'm accusing her of having an interest in me.

Prepare to taste cold steel.


Halt, coward!

Dance to the music Dance to the music


Assassins! Seize them!

This is an outrage! Lord Percival, how could this happen?

I would be dead right now were it not for the heroics of Sky Walker.

That's very nice of you, King, but we do what we can do.

Hey, look. Please, allow me.

Lighten up on Percy, OK?

Let's show a little mercy for Percy.

Everyone is entitled to one enormous, Near-Fatal, catastrophic disaster.

Ain't that right, Percy? Sky Walker, Allow me to honor you by appointing you a lord of my court, in charge of security.

What?! My Liege... The king is talkin'.

Now, that's rude, Percy.

But I guess that's how you were brought up. Now, you were saying, Your Magnitude?

Yes, as I was saying, is there some way I could prevail upon you To stay awhile and become a lord of my court?

Lord of the court? What comes with that?

Well, I would give you 60 hectares of land...

With 20 men to till it. Farming?

No, I gotta think about that awhile. I would also give you women for your bed.

As many as you need. I've reached my decision.

His Lordship, Sir Sky Walker!

What's up, homie? You straight? Cool.

Um... I decided to stay.

Now, I got an idea how to make some serious coin.

Have you ever had a Frappuccino? No? Check this out.

What is it? Jamal-In-The-Box, man.

Yeah, the first of many. And the good thing is, it's gonna have a ride-Through.

Yeah, you just gallop up, place your order, And in seconds, you're outta there, Killin' and plundering. Excellent work.

Now, I had my royal tailor whip this up.


Hey, hey, pay attention. See this?

This is my official Sky Walker logo. Yeah.

Whoo! Yes!

Damn, y'all catch on quick.

What do we have here?

Look like you can use some help.

If you think I need help, you do not understand the game, Moor.

Moor? Well, I prefer "Lordship."

Do you mind?

All right. Excuse me.

All right.


To win this game, you're gonna need your knights.

And you might wanna leave your rim pawns at home.

Yeah. That's your ass.

Sometimes the queen has to be sacrificed for the good of the kingdom.

Yeah, but every pawn is a potential queen.

You turn your back, she'll bite you in your ass.

I don't intend to let the game last that long.


We should get together and play again sometime.

I'm sure we will.

Mind your back, Moor.

Lord Sky Walker, the king demands your presence!

Excuse me there, cuz.

Hey, Your Kingliness. What's up, big homie? What's happenin'?

Were you not to consult on issues of security?

Uh... yeah.

Why, what happened? I was out for a ride with my men.

One of my soldiers caught this peasant stealing a turnip from the castle garden.

Sire, I beg your forgiveness.

I only did it to feed my starvin' family, for we are...

Silence. Round up his starving family, take them all away for execution.


Man just said...

How much did you take? Only a turnip.

Come on!

And Sky Walker? Yeah?

We are still waiting on your duke. My patience is wearing thin.

Yes, Y-Your Fabulousness.

I'm gonna handle a little somethin'. Get your ass up!

That's the king. Take a good look at him.

Say "King, I'm sorry"! King, I'm sorry!

King, I apologize! King, I apologize!

King, that's my ass! King, that's my ass!

That's your ass. Watch out! Dead man walkin'! Dead man walkin'!

Dead man walkin'! Dead man walkin'!

Why you bring the mean out in me?!

That's the king, and you're gonna be punished! Punished severely!

With these coins. Huh?

OK, go. Get outta here. Go.

Here, take the bag too. Go!

You're free. Go!

Get out. Go.

With the compliments of the king, it is his pleasure to share with Lord Sky Walker His booty. Booty, as in "spoils of war"?

Oh, that booty.

Good night.


Let's get it over with.

You asked to have me delivered to you? Yeah, so we can talk.

Mm-Hm! No, seriously.

Um... if you're not naked, they may hear us.

Uh... Iet me break it down for you.

I asked him to bring you here for this so they wouldn't get suspicious.

Now, we gotta act like we're doin' the do, OK? Cos the guard's right out front. Uh...

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh, girl! Yeah, there it is.

Oh! Ooh! Oh, remind me to thank the king! Whoo!


Sire, you're hung like a horse!

Oh! Oh!


Work with me. The king is crazy.

He's killing people over vegetables.

So you'll help with the rebellion? Oh, no, I got to get outta here.

If the real messenger shows up they'll slice me up like Wonder Bread.

But you wear the medallion. You're a man with honor.

And as lord, you now have even greater access to the king.




Whoo! Put that up right there.

Now hold that right there. Whoo!

Look, I'm not the guy you're lookin' for.

Then I have nothing more to say to you.

And that is how I break it down.

She's quite a spirited one, eh, sire?

Whoo! Where did y'all get her?

Oh! One in a million.

I was hopin' you'd come back to say good night.


I am Jobert of Normandy, with a message from the Duke DuBois.

Sky Walker. Hm?


Regina? Regina?!

What are you doin' here? You dare to deflower the king's daughter?

Somebody got to that flower long before I did.

You need to know...

Your daughter's a freak. Ohh!

The girl has been soiled. The duke will no longer be interested in...

The duke will no longer be interested in your daughter's hand in marriage. Good day.

You have not only tarnished my daughter, But any chance of an alliance with Normandy!

He'll pay for this. Well, what if I was to say, In all seriousness, That I'm really, really sorry?

Oh, we misjudged you, Sky Walker.

When you foiled our assassination attempt and doomed us to execution...

We were a little peeved. To say the least.

But now, seeing your plan unfold...

Genius. My plan?

Oh. Well, yeah. Well...


Well, I don't like to be obvious, you know?

My plan, it just creeps up on ya.

Yes. Had the king united with Normandy, Our rebels could never have defeated them.

Because you deflowered the princess, Leo cannot form his alliance.

Your action has given us hope.

With luck, we can restore our queen in hiding to the throne.

Sounds like that's a good plan. It's a perfect plan.

Our deaths will not be in vain. Well, good, good.

Death?! Ain't nobody dyin' here!

Ah, that white girl came on to me!

We're all going to be put to death tomorrow.

You can bloody well bet those bastards are sharpening the ax.

At least, I hope they're sharpening it.

I saw it done with a blunt ax once. Took all day.

Just hacking... and hacking And hacking... and hacking...

We get it, man!

If only the Black Knight were here. Who?

You never heard of the Black Knight? You ever heard of Shaq?

We're even.

The legend of the Black Knight... Legend?

The Black Knight was a great warrior.

Kings tried to buy his might, But he swore allegiance only to justice.

It is said he was once swallowed whole by a fierce dragon.

Swallowed whole. But lo, with a sword of gold, Did he cut his way from the belly of the beast.

And when he emerged, he himself could breathe the fire of the dragon.

See, this is why you shouldn't drink your own urine.


Let the execution commence!

Maybe we need a-A...

Should wait for a bigger crowd, OK? I'm only gonna do this once!

Go forth! OK. Uh...

They want us to line up in order of color, light to dark!

You a priest! I pay my tithe. I go to church.

I give up the moola! Ohh!

Wait! Primitives! They're backwards! Um...

Your Kingliness, um, one last word?


Well, uh...


I am a great sorcerer!


Uh, uh...

Do not anger me!

For with these hands, I make... fire!

Wait. Uh... fire!

We have fire.


Execute him! Now!

No, no!


The sorcerer has cast a spell of death upon him!


Yeah! That's right!

I cast a spell of death on him!

But I can bring him back cos I'm a great sorcerer.

Boogedy-Boogedy-Boogedy! Agh! Not me!


I have somethin' to tell you.

I can make the sun fall from the sky And burn you medieval motherf...


The sun is falling! He'll kill us all!

Fear him not! He is no sorcerer!

He is a charlatan and a jester! Seize him!

This way! Down!


Get in!

Get him!

Come on! Go!


Close the portcullis!

Open it! Open the portcullis! It's stuck, sire! It won't open!

Sky Walker! Knolte!

Up we go.

Fifth time's the charm.

You find them... you kill them.

You done this shit before, haven't you, Knolte?

You saved my life. I simply repaid the debt.

Payin' debt? You were kickin' ass back there, man.

How'd you get in on this? Your fair Victoria told me of your plight.

Victoria did this for me? Well, you and the rebellion.

But, uh... a lot of it was for you.

Yeah, that's all right.


I wish you well.

Look, I owe you one. I got your back, all right?

But if you fall into trouble again, he will not be there. Will you, Sir Knolte?

Sir Knolte? I paid my debt and now I must leave.

Knolte was once one of the greatest knights in England, Until he fell for Percival's trick and the queen lost her throne.

That was a long time ago.

I've laid down my sword and I will not fight again.

Wait. Knolte!

Uh, uh...

But... check this out. Knolte!

Sir Knolte!

I still say we should move camp. It's just luck Percival's patrols have yet to discover us.

An interesting suggestion. Now here's another suggestion: serve more gruel.

You know, y'all dead wrong. You dead wrong. This is a lady here.

Uh, Vicky? I wanna thank you For helping Sir Knolte save my life. Actually, the plan was mine.

No shit? I shit you not.

I had to tell everyone I'd heard it from a great warrior, Otherwise no one would have listened to me, a woman.

So you like me a little more than you... Did you have a nice time with the princess?

Wait! Look, the only reason I slept with the princess, Cos I thought she was you. That's true. That's the real true bill. True bill. OK?

It was dark, and I had no night-Light.

I'm tellin' you... Whatever you think I want to hear.

I think all our words have been said. Hey, Vicky...

I can help you get outta here, way outta here.

Take you to a place where a smart woman like you can do more than just ladle gruel.

Look, if you show me how to get to the lake, tomorrow you'll be at Fox Hills Mall Gettin' your legs waxed. Huh? Drinkin' mai tais, chillin'.

So what's it gonna be? Gruel, leprosy, mean-Ass king?

Mai tais, chillin', bikini, thong?

I realize that our backward rebel society is far from perfect, But it's a step in the right direction.

Now is the eve of our great offensive.

I can live with losing the good fight, but I cannot live with not fighting it.

The lake you seek is that way.

Safe journey.

Hey, old sot!

I have no quarrel with you, sir.

Finally, the lake.

Better not come out on the other end fightin' dinosaurs.

All right, think, think, think.

It's not my fight. Yeah, that's it. It's not my battle.

That's right, it's... it is not my battle at all. Yeah.

So, uh... Iet's do this.

Home sweet home.

Perhaps I'll stand you to a drink.


Thank you.

Bless you.

Man, I think it's time to admit you have a drinking problem.

I want my grog back. Pick it up.

You don't wanna be messin' with me cos I'm liable to stuff a mud hole in your ass.

You know?

It's an insult, dumb-Ass.

I have killed six men with these.

What do you move for? It's called boxing.

That's called a Rope-A-Dope.

Look at the footwork! Look at the footwork!

You know it Now let me introduce you to my little friend.

Knolte! Come on, man. I know you got my back.

Knolte is not a fighter.

He is not even a man! All right, wait.


Get your ass outta here. That's right.

That's what I'm talkin' about. Perhaps there's life in the old dog yet.

Oh, man! High five. This is a high five moment.

Yeah, put your arm up. Right here, like that.

Well, we'll work on that.

Hey, you bad man. You put his face in the shit!

Yes, I did.

Oh, man.

Hey, Knolte, we was a great team back there, right? Like Shaq and Kobe.

Shaq and Kobe?

Well, I'll explain it to you when we get back to the camp. I loved it, man.

This... "Rope-A-Dope."

Could you teach me its mysterious ways?

You just let your man tire himself out, right?

He just get the punchin' on you. Then you like that, while he like this...

Then he tired, and you ready to really...

What happened? Percival's patrols. They found us.

The only men standing are those of us who were away from camp.

Damn! Victoria told us this would happen.

Victoria! They took her.

Now she's lost, like our cause.

Just another bauble in the king's crown.

Look here, we just gotta rescue her. You know what I'm saying? Take out the king.

Uh, uh...

Who here will fight?

Who's ready to rumble?


I will.

That's what I'm talkin' about, Knolte.

But we are greatly depleted, both in number and in spirit.

Nothing could inspire them to ever fight again.

These men might fight for their queen.

The queen.

What's happenin' now? How you doin'?

He's French.

Sir Knolte.

I am pleased to see you.

For all this time, I thought you were dead.

Well, l... was.

Your Majesty, I was.

I beg your forgiveness. I should not have left you alone.

If you had not, you surely would have been killed with the others.

I'm therefore grateful that you did.

But now that you've returned from the dead, it is time to return me to my throne.

Will the men fight again on my behalf?

Oh! I can answer that. Ain't nothin' happenin'.

You know? They draggin' ass. I asked them that same thing.

They go and act like they ain't hear me, didn't they, Knolte?

This is my friend Sky Walker, a man of unconventional wisdom and courage.

What do you think, Sky Walker?

I think they're gonna need a pep talk. You know what I'm sayin', Your Highnessness?

They gonna be needin' a major pep talk. Gotta get up in here.

My queen could inspire the stars to fall from the heavens.

Gather the men, that I might give some words to stir the soul and burn the blood.


Sceptered isle of lute and chattel, Void your rheum upon my bosom!

Oh, England!

I've heard enough. Oh, England!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why don't you let me give it a try? See if I can give 'em the ol' Al Sharpton.

Well, uh...

There once was a great king!

Rodney King, Who said "Ow, ow, ow!"

"Officer Allen, ow!"

"Get 'em off... Ow! Bzz! Agh!"

And who also said "Can't we all just get along?"

We need a knight, not a jester.

I'm gonna go and start diggin' our graves.

Well, I say sometimes we can't just get along!

Sometimes we gotta take up arms!


Hear what I'm sayin'.

Your lives are shitty.

I know because I've been there.

I know the feeling of waitin' for your ship to come in And you're standing in the middle of the desert.

Oh, England, you lost your kingdom.

You live in huts. You look like hell.

Well, you do! Check your feet out.

Look at your feet. Mm-Hm, see?

Restore this lovely queen to her throne.

Cos when you can do that, she promises that there will be a horse in every stable, A chicken in every pot. That's right. Mm!

Can I get an "amen"?

I said, can I get an "amen"?!


Can I get an "amen"?!

Amen! Amen!

King Leo.

He thinks he's King Arthur.

Well, I know King Arthur.

And you, King Leo, are no King Arthur!

No King Arthur, indeed!

No King Arthur! No King Arthur!

Ask not what your fiefdom could do for you, But what you could do for your fiefdom!

Now, Sir Knolte, bring me back my crown.

Your Majesty, it will be an honor.

King Leo got a great big castle..

King Leo got a great big castle...

And we're gonna shove it right up his asshole...

We're gonna shove it right up his asshole...

Sound off One, two...

Bring it on down. Huh, huh, huh-Huh

Yeah, that's tight! Right to the chest.

I'm lovin' it! Tight.

That's tight.

Yeah, yeah! Get it! Get it!

Try not to mount his ass next time.

Ooh! Oh!

One, two, three. Yes!


Eight! Shift! 27 blue!

Oh! Lovin' it, yeah! See what I'm sayin'?

Splendid. Yeah, that's tight.

Here you go, man. What are these?

Some new jumps, for when you lead your troops tomorrow.

Thought it might be easier for you to get around if your feet didn't weigh 500 pounds.

I thank you. It's all good.

I, too, have something for you. John!

What's this? A knight must be properly attired.

You and I both know I'm no knight.

You're as much a knight as any man I know, should you so choose.

Sleep well.

The portcullis is open, unguarded!

Where is Percival? Where are the guards?


Be brave, lads!

Hold the line!

Slaughter them!

It's the Black Knight! The Black Knight!

He lives!

It's the Black Knight!

The Black Knight! I can't believe it!

It's him! He lives!

It's the Moor!


Blue 27!

Set! Hut, hut, hut!

Yeah, yeah! Whoo!


I'll take him. Good idea.

Is that all you got?

I pray you, is that all you possess?



The kingdom is falling! Be not afeard. I have everything in hand.

Are you mad? You must help me flee. You must get me to safety.

Shut up!


Ha-Ha-Ha! Boo-Yeah!

Watch your step!

Ha-Ha-Ha! Good, eh?

And that, my friend, is the Rope-A-Dope.

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about! Hey, Knolte, you the man! Yeah!



You're a brave knight.

It's been an honor fighting beside you.

Take this.

You know what to do.

The Black Knight.

Drop the sword, or I kill the girl.

Let her go. Do it!

Don't do it, Jamal!


Now the Moor's a swordsman.

Now you shall die at my hands, as Knolte did.


Let me ask you somethin'.

You like baseball?

Or maybe you like basketball?

Maybe golf?

You can thank Tiger for that.

You OK? I'm sure I'll be fine.

How's your neck? You were very brave.

Let me help you up.



Long live the queen!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Knolte!

We'll have an amazing life together. You'll love LA.

But I was thinking... I'm not goin' back without you.

You know, I'd go to the end of the earth for you.

That's only six miles from here.

You've got a lot to learn.

Teach me. You want me to teach you?

'Tis a strange way to... It's French.


Sky Walker, are you both still determined to leave us?

We hate to lose such a brave warrior.

Nothin' personal, uh, Miss Queen.

But, uh, Knolte's right.

I got my own battles to fight, you know?

That's my bun. You hooked me up with her.

She knew I was down with somebody cool, so she started likin' me.

In acknowledgment for your service to the Crown, I dub thee Sir Sky Walker, the Black Knight.



What...? His vital signs appear normal.

Jamal! Jamal!

Yo, you OK, man?

You scared the hell outta me! You was under that water for, like, ten minutes!

Hey. Yo, where's Victoria? Vicky?

Who? Stop playin', man!

Vicky. Victoria, my bun!

Jamal, what you talkin' about, man?

What...? Vicky?

Dude, you know, a workplace accident like this, we can sue.

There ain't no honor in that, man.

Don't think I don't know what you doin'.

You fake you some accident, get you a lawyer and walk away with my money.

Well, it won't work! And I already went ahead and took your advice.

What advice? I quit.

Oh, Mrs Bostick, you can't quit.

OK? We can work it out. We just gotta fight, that's all.

You on the pipe?

Mrs Bostick, look, um...

I know things can get a little scary, but courage isn't the absence of fear.

It is the presence of fear, yet the will to go on.

Good, good! I'm lovin' it!

How's the babies? Everybody's good? Good.

Oh, this is lovely.

How you doin', my queen?

I always knew you had it in you, Jamal.

Well, I'm just glad you like it.

I love it. Good, good.

No, no, you can't be scared of it. Try it again.

Oh, lovin' it! Way to go, Bobby!

Thanks. I think that's the first time he actually hit the ball.

You look familiar.

So do you. Uh...

Name's Jamal. Nicole. My friends call me Nicky.

I work in admissions up at the college. Is that where we met?

Maybe. I registered for some night classes.

Can I ask you where you got that scar?

This? Oh, it's from a long, long time ago.

Well, maybe I could take you out to lunch. You could tell me all about it.

I'd like that... very much.

All right. Good.

Hey, Aunt Nicky? I gotta go.

Yeah, well, uh, it's nice meetin' you.

I... I didn't get your number!

Excuse me. Yeah.

Release the lions!