Black Sheep (1996) Script

And now let's welcome our hometown hero, the next Governor of Washington, AI Donnelly.

Attention, Buckley residents, voters of all ages, vote for AI Donnelly.

He's the best man for the job. You can count on Al, that's for sure.

Hey, foIks, if you're wondering who to vote for, AI DonneIIy's the man for the job.

Time to go home now, IittIe doggies. Nothing for you in this truck. No food.

Dogs, I want you to go home. Get off my bumper.

Come on. Jesus.


Oh, my God.

What is it with you dogs?

You think this truck is in heat or something?

Get out of here.

You know, if I got the same weIcome everywhere I went that I get right here in my hometown, my candidacy wouId be a Iock.

With your heIp, we wiII make it all the way to the Capitol!

Al Donnelly! Al Donnelly! Al Donnelly! Al Donnelly!

Did you do this? No, no, no, did you?

Oh, my God.

There is a God.

Tell me that is not your brother.

What the hell is a marquee doing here? It's crazy.

Al, I'm so sorry, man. I don't know what happened.

Mike, forget about it.

What'd you think, it was a drive-in movie?

I could get some time off from the Rec Center.

They said it was no problem when I said I was gonna help with the campaign.

So I was thinking maybe I could go on the road with you and help out, or...

Look, Mike, Mike, I know you're behind me in this 1 00%, but I kind of need some different help from you.

Man, whatever you want, you know that. The fighting Donnellys stick together.

That's right. All right. Listen, I've got a lot of good people in my corner.

They're smart people, and they want what we want.

And we're gonna get there, it's just gonna take some finesse.

I'll do anything. You just name it and I'll get started.

All right. And there's a lot to be done right here.

I mean, like phone canvassing. Right.

Stuff like this. Just stay put and I'll get you the details, all right?

We're gonna do it, little brother? Yeah.

All right.

Come on. Let's go. All the way, Governor.

Dock workers union. Come on.

Let me make myself clear. My brother is a priority.

Now let's just find someone in the organization.

Just as long as he or she is reliable and helps Mike make a contribution.

So just find someone and give them the assignment now.

Fine. Excuse me, Mr. About to be Governor-Elect Donnelly.

This assignment you were just describing.

If someone were to voIunteer for this gig and did the job weII, wouId he or she possibIy earn a staff position in your new administration?

Steve, not now.

Hey. Yes, he or she most certainly would.

Then I am your man.

Hi, there. This is Mike Donnelly, I work over here at the Recreational Center.

To be honest with you, I pretty much run the place.

Is this Pat Giles? Good, good.

Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of Avery... Atwood.

Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly is a guy with a dream.

His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington.

Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right?

Between you, me and the wall, I had a doozy myself last night.

Get this, a corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman whips, chains, whistles, yo-yos, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck.

I don't know... Are you crying?

My lord. I am sorry. Honey, please don't...

Could you get your daddy on the phone? No, don't hang up. Please.

All right, I want a 32 belly option on two, on two.

Ready? Break.

Hut one. Hut two. Let's do it.


Yeah. Hey, little girls. I'm gonna buy my mamma a new house.

This sucks. These teams aren't fair. What's the matter, Sullivan?

You mad 'cause you found out the new kid got an arm?

Suckers take the walk. Screw this. I quit.

Fine then. Here's to the winners.

Yeah. Kemp, fake head butt. DeSalvo, fake head butt.

New kid, fake head butt. You broke my nose!

There's so much blood.

Mr. Donnelly, I swear, I did not mean to do it. Please.

Ketchup packet.

Come on, guys, this is weird. Let's go play some kickball.

Yeah, come on, man.

Forget those guys.

What's your name?

Scott Colleary. Colleary?

You got a hell of an arm, Colleary. Thanks.


Don't worry about those guys. Yeah, they don't like me too much.

Is your mom picking you up? My mom and dad got a divorce.

I have to live with my grandma now.

Come on. Label your streets like the rest of the country.

Buddy, are you okay?

I'm not that far from dragging you out of the car and beating you into dust.

You should work up to that. Kind of leaves you nowhere to go.

I can go to your mama's and start a small fire in her panties.

Now, are you ready to get out of the car?

No, sir. Come on, come on.

You know what? That was my fault, and I'm really sorry.

Here, I got something for you. It's kind of a souvenir. Here it is.


Shit. I don't believe this.

Damn it. I gotta ditch this guy.


That's my grandma, Mrs. Oneacre. Hi, ma'am.

Bet you made some nice friends today, huh?

See you.


God gave you a hell of a throwing arm, and I'll be damned if I'll let that go to waste.

I want you out on the football field, you and me, every day, working on your game. How's that? Sure.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Hey, Mikey. Hey, Robbie.

I spoke to Anderson at the theater, he wants me to lock you up.

I bet your brother's righteously pissed, huh?

No, he was pretty cool as usual.

I wanna show you something. Come here, check this out.

In fact, I'm gonna be working with one of his top guys.

Nitrous Oxide boosters. This thing must haul major ass.

You could say that.


Damn it.

Get out of my way, buddy.

You know what, lady? I got something for you.

A souvenir for you here. Yes?

Never mind. Forget it.

Well, what are you doing? Playing pocket pool there, son?

Excuse me. Hey, you got a little chubby going there.

Dream on, you little fart.

Please don't be Mike Donnelly.

Hi. Hey.

I'm Steve Dodds, one of your brother's advisors.

His top advisor, actually. Wow. It's great to meet you.

Nice to... Nice to see you.

Al, your brother, told me to drop everything, come down here, kind of get you organized for the final push for the big election.

Well, let's get to it. Team Donnelly gonna kick a little Tracy butt.

What I thought is, we'd start with the supermarket down here and canvass that area first.

I... Yeah, no, no, no, trust me on this one, it's a good idea. But...

Listen, I'm running this show.

You've gotta take my advice. I know what I'm doing.

Do you have to go to the bathroom? Please pop the hood.

Please. Your thumbs! The hood.

Okay. What latch? Where do you want me to...

Just pop the hood! Please!

Popping the hood.

Good afternoon, sir. We'd like you to vote for Al Donnelly for governor.

We appreciate it. Yeah, thanks.

Hi, ma'am.

Vote for Donnelly.


Listen, I think it's better if we bring the energy down a tad.

Are you kidding me? These are potential voters. It's showmanship.

You gotta go out and get them. Watch and learn.

Hi, folks! Vote for Donnelly! Good God, man!

Here, let me get that for you, sir. Look, I drove down here, I think I can put the groceries in the trunk.

A little help from the Donnelly campaign.

Back off, buster.

Come on, Mother. Let me help you, sir.

Get in the car, dear. All right, Mother.

Folks, I'm having a little trouble here.

Help! Help, please!

He must be all hopped up on crack cocaine.

Floor it, Harold.

I can't, I can't... Help!

Good, I think I've lost him. Stop! Please!


Good first day. Yeah.

Washington State. Isn't it a great place to raise a family?

That's because, for the last eight years, I've worked very hard as your governor, to make sure our state is clean, safe and fiscally sound.

If reelected to a third term, I'll do my best as your governor to make sure that all the hopes and dreams of Washingtonians come true.

Cut. I need a break.

I'll be right back.

Did you get the latest polls?

Donnelly's brother took a campaign van on a rampage.

He can't get a break, even in his hometown.

He doesn't need a break. They just gained another two points.

We're all right. A lot can be done in a week.

If we don't do something soon, he'll be living here.

Who left this crap in here?

Promise me you'll stay in the car. I promise.

What do we got here? A tall, cool one.


Go for it.

I wanna get wrecked!

Check it out.

Yeah, man.

Smoking, snorting, shooting, sucking, toking, popping, dropping.

Let's do a little dance.

I'll party with you!

The kid's a star. No, he's a gold mine.


Front page.

Jesus, Mike. It's not as bad as it looks.

It turns out that he was giving these kids a speech about saying no to drugs.

Well, can you get the paper to print a retraction?

Yeah, sure, and they'll run it on page 36 in about two weeks.

Al, you can take this election.

But your brother is creating his own media feeding frenzy and all of it is negative! We've got to put a lid on him.

You're right, you're right, but he doesn't deserve to be exiled.

You just tell Steve to watch him like a hawk and to keep the reporters at bay.

Welcome, Washington Teacher's Association.


Washington has the most beautiful forests in America, and I am proud to be an honorary Clark County lumberjack.

The tree's not falling. Yeah, I know.

Don't let anyone ever tell you your job is easy.

Oh, my God!

You make the call. The rest is for damage control. You stay put.

That's just great. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you.

Excuse us for just a moment.

What the hell happened? That tree was supposed to go down on the first whack.

Well, I thought you covered really well.

You're just lucky some kid didn't get his head cracked wide open.

Yes, ma'am. Did you get the numbers in?

Hot off the wire.

Donnelly's leveled off. We're dead even. Look at this.

Front page.

Donnelly's brother is like Roger Clinton, Billy Carter and Ronald Reagan's entire family rolled into one.

Let's move this out of the land of mere embarrassment into the realm of serious effect.

Are you ready to play the game?

I've got some pretty nasty ideas. Good. Act on them.

I've been fired. What? Why?

He said the Rec Center's state-funded.

He can't afford to be associated with any kind of a scandal, especially one involving kids and drugs.

He said that he stood up for me, but word came from the top for me to clear out my locker and get out.

It's crazy, man. I don't know what to say.

I love this job. I've been here since the place opened.

And then they just...

Dude, can I get a couple of minutes just to, you know, clear some of the gear out? Yeah, sure.

Hey, I'm sorry, man. Take your time.

Hey, fellas, how's it going? Can I help you?

Hey, Mike, how's things?

Kind of pissed off about losing your job, huh?

All right, pal, what's going on here?

You know, you really shouldn't play with matches.

Hey! What the hell are you doing?



Oh, my God!

Why in the hell... No! Mike, how the hell did this happen?

Robbie, you know I didn't do this!

Jesus, Mike, give me some credit, will you? Did you see who did it?

Two guys. I don't know who they were.

Yeah, well, they didn't count on me getting here first.

Look, you guys get out of here, and when the troopers arrive, I'll just tell them I didn't find anybody here, all right?

Go ahead, take off! Thanks, Robbie.

I owe you one, man. Call me later.

Fish, this is Mieghem. I'm down here at the Pierce County Rec Center.

Send fire units and a backup. Look, I'm the only one down here!

Well, did he do it or not?

Kovary, on that subject, I would have to lean toward the negative.

I know what you're saying.

Give me the phone, Roger. Steve, it's Al. What is going on?

Hey, Al. Well, in my opinion, when I got to the... Let me talk to my brother.

Al, I know how this must look, but I had nothing to do with that fire.

I loved that place! It was my life! You got to believe me!

Of course I believe you, man. You had to have been set up, and we're gonna get to the bottom of this right now!

We have a game plan, don't we, Roger?

Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.

Roger and Steve are gonna work this out.

Mike, don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay, I promise.

Thanks, Al. Thanks.

Steve here. Meet me downstairs in the lobby.

Dodds? Listen to me very carefully.

We have got to keep this bozo under wraps until the election is over.

Now, I want you to do exactly as I tell you.

Yeah. Okay, keep talking.

I know a pIace way outside of town.

All right! Bunk beds! I got dibs on top. Okay.

First class, right?

What's that black thing? What?

I don't know.

Touch it. What? You touch it.

You afraid? No, I'll touch it.

You totally didn't touch it. Well, then you touch it.

I will if you will. All right.

Whoa! Whoa!

Man! Oh, my God!

What is that? It's Ozzy Osborne!

Oh, my God!

Whoa. I think it's gone.

I hate those damn things.


It bit me! I'm gonna get rabies! I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

Come on!

I got an idea, okay?

I'll open the fridge, you hit the lights. Bats are attracted to light.

He'll fly in the fridge, I close the door, end of story.

That's moths, you dumbass, not bats.

Yeah, moths.

Watch this.

That's it.

I think I got it! No way.

I think it's in there. Well, then look!

You look.

All right, we'll both look together.

One, two, three!

You idiot!

You can't catch a bat with a pot, moron!

You take a mop, a broom...


Get this thing off of me! Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell are you...

Why are you hitting me? It's gnawing at my skull!

For God's sakes!

Die! Die! Please! You're aggravating it!

Why are you kicking me?

I can't see a damn thing!

Die! Jesus!

I think I nailed it.

God, I don't believe it! I missed it! He's still alive!

Can we please try my idea?

Come on, boy! Pull the thing tight so it gets in there!

I'm trying! Well, try harder! Stay over there!

You moron!

Okay, it's flying in there! Get in!

It's flying in there! Get in!

Okay, it's flying right in the middle! Oh, my God, it touched my hand.

If this doesn't work, I'm sleeping in the car.

Stay there! Okay, okay, it's right in the middle! Okay, we got it?

We got it? We got it? It's out of there!

Good night, Steve.

Good night, Mike.

The police officer who arrived before our guys was a friend of Mike's.

He let him leave and never even reported seeing him in there, so Mike was never linked to the fire.

Neuschwander, are you finished stirring that drink, or is this some kind of fucking science experiment?

Now, I realize that you must stick close together because you share a common goddamn backbone, but I wanna see some movement!


This is great. There's 1,502 registered voters in Garfield County.

Go get them, Al.

Hey, pretty good day. No screw-ups. Keep up the good work.

I'm gonna go take a squeege.


What is wrong?

Something tells me I want this car to just keep driving.

Hey, gang.

Is there an Opie convention in town?

I'm kidding. You're not from around here, huh?

You know what? I am. Born and raised. Nope. Can't be true.


Thanks for not shoving the nozzle up my ass first!

Vote for Donnelly!

Every vote counts.

No, no, no, no!

Thank you, little roots. Please stay strong.

What in the hell was that all about?

Yeah, well, you little freaks better be careful, 'cause next time, I don't go down so easy.

Next time I'm gonna be like, "You wanna spray me? How about this?"

Arm grab! Snap kick! Side kick! Rabbit punch!

Rabbit punch into piledriver! That's right, my friend, it's a piledriver!

Who else? Who else wants some? You? Sleeper hold! Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, that's my car.

It's that same asshole.

What the hell was that?

Whoa, what happened to you? You fall into some mud or something?

Yeah, I did.

And I'm gonna be rich, because I'm the only person on Earth who knows where you can find white mud.

I didn't say "mud," I said "crud." You fall into some crud or something?

I can get some water, wipe off that crud.

Come on, Mike. I'm not one of your eight-year-olds that's gonna believe that.

Shut up, Steve. Where'd you go? Make a phone call.

Hey, remember I told you about that guy that stole my car?

Yeah. He lives about a mile from here, he's driving it. Well, let's go get it back.

You don't want that kind of trouble. This guy is unstable at best.

You can't keep running away from things. You got to be tough.

Snakes! No! One looked at me!

Check your underpants! I hate those things!

Shit! It gets worse every second. I hate snakes!

Whoa! Check it out.

Jump in, wash that crap off.

There's probably piranha in there. This place is a nightmare.

Get tough, Nancy boy. Jump in.

I don't see you going in.

Where'd you go? Hello, Washington!

This is great.

I've never won three games in a row. I hardly ever play checkers.

Yeah, yeah, well, you know, it's kind of easy to win when you never move your back row!

God! Come on!

Okay, well, where would you want me to move this one?


King me!

Okay, move this one here. It's safe, I swear. It's safe.

That wasn't safe at all. What an idiot.

This is fun. Yeah, yeah, it was.

What's going on?

That's not normal.


How the hell did that happen?


This place is trashed. Check this out.

This whole fridge is held up here just by this plug.

You okay?

I'm just dandy!

I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy.

This sucks. I can't believe I forgot to call Scott Colleary.

Good luck getting out. It's never gonna work.

Yes, it will. All you need to do is get a signal.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello!

Hello? Miss Oneacre?

Yes. Hello, Miss Oneacre...

Yes. Miss Oneacre.

HeIIo? Are you there? HeIIo, this is Mrs. Oneacre. Are you there?

Miss Oneacre, this is Mike Donnelly. Is Scott there?

No, he's not here. Jeez. I had to leave town.

Could you tell him I'm sorry and I'll make it up to him?

Yes, I'II give him the message. Okay, don't forget to tell him now.

Bye-bye. Hello?

Good night, Steve.

Good night, Mike.


Oh, God! I don't like this, Mike. Mike?

This sucks!

Good night, Steve. Good night, Mike.

Hey, Mike, "I got dibs on top bunk."

Shut up!

I love it. Why don't you shut up?

Hello, Washington! How's the weather up there, buddy?

Shut up!

Oh, no.

Hello. Hey, Roger? How you doing?

It's Mike Donnelly. Is Al there?

Gee, Mike, Al's kind of busy right now.

Yeah, I know. I just wanted to, you know, tell him, I'm working my tail off for him up here, and there's no way AI's gonna lose Garfield County.

Yeah, that's great. I'll be sure to tell him. Thanks for ringing up.

Come on, Roger, let me talk to Al. It's only gonna take a minute.

Al doesn't wanna speak to you.

What do you mean, Al doesn't wanna speak to me? Why?

Listen very carefully to me, Mike.

You know what Al calls you when you're not around here?

The idiot, okay? AII right? Is that bIunt enough for you?

You are not going to speak to him now.

And as far as I'm concerned, if I had my way, you wouldn't speak to him after he's elected Governor!

Kovary. Man, that guy's a dick.

Who is he to say I can't talk to my own brother?

You know?

I'm gonna go down there and straighten this thing out.

What do you think about that, Steve?

Al's speaking at that Rock the Vote concert in Seattle.


What do you think if I went down there...

That's sad.

Hey, buddy, I was already in. Hey, it's cool. I was in.

Where's the fire?

Dude, we pay these bands' salaries by buying a ticket to this shit!

Yeah? Yeah.

Okey dokey, come on.

Son, I'd like you to step away from this vector and get into a different coordinate, pronto.

There's no access for you in this quadrant.

Man, why don't you goosestep on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip? All right?

'Cause they might be impressed by it, asshole!

Yeah! Young fella, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine!

I will dance with you inside of the six-sided ring of fire unless you move from this area far and fast!



Man, I liked that move.

Yeah, I learned it in the '84 Bounce-Off over at Laguna Beach.

The one Mr. T hosted.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, it is. The same one.



I was looking for my brother, Al Donnelly.

He's around here somewhere.

So you fellas are performers or...

No, thanks. I never touch the stuff.

There's enough in the air here to get everybody high.

Besides, it gives you the munchies. God knows I don't need that.


Rock The Vote presents Mudhoney!

Rodge, I don't think these kids wanna hear me talk about bond issues, man.

Al, we are lucky to be a part of this. Just go out, tell the kids to vote, do an interview with some MTV person, and we're out of here.

All right.

So, he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

I love you guys. This is fun.

So, anyway, what you're saying, I'm the Man, Whitey, and you guys are the victims... Yeah.

...of a tyrannical, racist, oppressive society!

That's right, man. Yes, that's right.

Man, that sucks!

I'm gonna talk to some people and straighten this out, man!

'Cause this is a bunch of bullshit!

All right? All right!

Yeah! I'm gonna go get them!

Kick ass, Whitey! Yeah!

So when do I go on? I don't know, six, seven minutes.

Just relax. All right. All right.

Straighten your tie. Should I lose the tie?

Loosen the tie. Just take it down.

Chill. Take it down.

All right!

Yeah, man! I love you guys!

Whoa, whoa, hang on. All right. Excellent!

What's your name? Mike Donnelly.

Governor Donnelly? Nice threads.

No, you jag, he ain't the governor.

He's running for governor. Well, hey, get on out there!

No! You got the wrong guy! Just a second, fellas! Come on.

I'm not supposed to be here.

God, what is this?

I guess I couId sure use some cupcakes or some Peanut Butter Cups about now!

Yeah! You know what that's about!

So l guess you guys should vote, you know, because voting kicks ass, right? Yeah!

And Iet me teII you, if you're gonna vote, why not vote for AI DonneIIy, right?

'Cause if voting kicks ass...

What in the hell...

Please, God, I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming.

You've got some kickass shit!

God, I'm a dead man. I'm hyperventilating.

'Cause l'm born in the USA!

You gotta fight for your right to vote!

That's one smaII step for man, one giant...

l have a dream!

Power to the peopIe!

Burn, baby, burn! Mike!

Hey, fellas! Yeah!

KiII Whitey!

No, no, no!

What in the hell were you thinking? I'm sorry.

I just wanted to talk to you. Yeah, sorry.

And I got... I dunno how it happened, I just got thrown on stage.

Why couldn't you just stay put, huh?

I told you I would take care of everything!

You could trust me. But no, we get "Kill Whitey"?

I can't believe I have to ask you this, but are you trying to screw things up for me?

I mean, what is this? Do you want me to lose?

If I really thought you believed that, I just... I'd wanna die.

Just stay out of the way. Okay?

Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?

Without question.

Don't agree with me. It just pisses me off more.

It's over. It's finished.

You talking about your brother's election hopes or just my career?

The person I care about most in my life hates me.

I'm not a brother, I'm an embarrassment.

So what do you wanna do today? I don't care. Whatever you want.

Man, I wish we could watch your brother's debate on TV.

That's today? We gotta watch it!

What're we gonna do, hook a hanger up to the metal plate in your head?

I know a place with a TV.

I saw it when we were putting up posters.

It's not far from here. Let's go.

Here it is.

Of course, this had to be the place you knew.

How could you have such horrible instincts and survive this long?

Looks like nobody's home. Yeah, I met this guy. Nobody is home.


Come on! Move it! Move it or lose it!

This guy's got a hell of a security system!

Ready to start filming, Mr. Stone.


My God, this guy is like Leatherface, Chucky and Jan Brady all rolled into one.

"Honorable Discharge, Drake Sabitch." This must be his dad, Norris Sabitch.

And Grandpappy Winston.

If only he had bought a smaller TV, maybe he could've afforded a couch with less urine on it.


I wanna see a Washington where children can waIk down the street safeIy, where peopIe can leave their doors unlocked and their minds are free from fear.

Well, this is one area where l'm in total agreement with Governor Tracy.

As a matter of fact, I agreed with that statement when she made it at her first campaign for governor over eight years ago.

Man, my bro is knocking the snot out of her.

I'm gonna go take a squeege. Watch your step.

If you reaIIy want to understand Mr. DonneIIy's view on famiIy vaIues, take a look at his brother, and ask yourseIf this question.

How far does the acorn fall from the tree?

Or should l say nut?

Yes, my brother has some probIems, but who doesn't?

And I just wanna say... I Iove my brother, Mike, and I am very proud of him.

And I beIieve that Mike's probIems are rather modest when compared to the probIems facing our great state.

And those are the probIems that l am interested in!

Get her, Al.

You're in the wrong zone, soldier boy.

What the hell are you doing in my perimeter?

Sir, I'm not a soldier.

And I don't know if you read in USA Today last week, but the war is over. You can punch out now.

Move on, let it go.

Who told you that?


I just talked to Charlie and he's not mad at you anymore.

So let's call off "Operation One of Us is Crazy" and go our separate ways. Don't get smart with me!

If you don't tell me who sent you on this mission, I'm easily within my legal rights to dispatch you with extreme prejudice.

Sir, honestly, I just came back to get my rental car and an apology.

And if I could get that, I will gladly leave your coordinates here.

The car?

Is that all? That's all!

Why didn't you tell me?

God! Here's the keys. Thank you.

And here's my apology.

I can splatter your cortex or I can explode your heart.

Which sounds quicker to you?

That's a toughie.

Come on!

Nice moves.

I'm seriously impressed.

Sergeant Drake Sabitch.

How you doing? Mike Donnelly. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Come here, I wanna show you something.

Drake, you ever watch any Bruce Lee movies?

I got every one of them on laserdisc. Well, come in, come in.

That damn debate should have never happened in the first place!

That son of a bitch Donnelly had a smart-ass comment to make after everything I said! Yes, ma'am.

It doesn't matter.

I can't wait to see the look on his face when he goes down.

With all deference, Governor, but if he goes down.

It's all up to the voter turnout, which our people think will be very high.

Well, it better be, or I'll have your balls in a jar on my desk.

A very small jar.

Are you getting sleepy?

Good night.

Take home, put in bed.

Good night, dear.

She's totally legal.

I've got all her papers and I pay all the taxes.

Very good help, but "no speaka."

Who? What does he want?

I'm not sure, but he says he thinks you'll like it.

Pardon me.

Governor Tracy, this is Mr....

Mr.'s fine.

So here's what went through my little head.

I got some pictures of your boys setting the Pierce County Rec Hall ablaze.

Or pictures that look like Mike Donnelly set the fire.

I wait for election day to near.

Whoever's trailing gives good money for whichever picture does them best.

My gut says I'm glad you're trailing.

Well, I'll have to see the pictures first.

Here's the rub. Now you'll have to tell me your name so I'll know who to make out the check to.

My best friends call me Cash.

Promise me you'll... Shut up, Steve.

What could go wrong? I vote, I go home.

Over there. Did I make it?

Yes. Name and address. Mike Donnelly, 61 2 Caswell Street.

What's he doing?

I'm stuck in this thing!

Stop that! I'm claustrophobic!

Oh, my God! Help!

Stop that! Are you crazy? I can't breathe.

Get this thing off of me!

It's okay. It's okay, ma'am. I...

Here you go. I'm sorry. Here you go, ma'am. That is my fault.

I'm... Here you go.

There you go, ma'am. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.

You... You stupid jerk! What are you doing?

Look at this.

Who'd you vote for?

We now continue with our eIection night coverage.

I bet the exit polls already have us by 1 0 points.

So after the events of last night, a sIight shift in voter sentiment was expected, but no one anticipated this.

EarIy this morning, this photo was reIeased Iinking Mike DonneIIy to the scene of the Pierce County Recreation Center fire.

The arson accusations against the disgruntIed former empIoyee came at the worst possibIe time for his brother AI DonneIIy's drive to the governor's mansion.

Governor Tracy is about to cIaim victory.

It's all my fault.

My brother lost his election because of me.

Cowlitz County, Tracy wins by 280.

Garfield County, Tracy 1,048, Donnelly 834.

Tracy won Garfield County?

A lot of good our grass roots campaign did up there, right?

1,048 to 834?

That's 1,882 votes.

There's only 1,502 voters up in Garfield County.

Something isn't right.

The Governor is now on her way to campaign headquarters, where she's expected to make her victory speech.

Those are the guys that started the fire. Those troopers?

They were wearing street clothes, but that is them!

Steve, we gotta call Al now.

Wait a minute. I gotta do something first.

Here it is! Voter registration for Garfield County.

I knew it! Lookie here. Any of these names look familiar?

You were right.

Yeah, Al didn't lose, he got cheated. And we got proof right here.

So we get on the phone and alert the press.

Screw that. She embarrassed me in front of the whole state.

She messed up things between me and my brother.

Now it's gonna be payback time. Where can I find her?

There's a post-election ceremony at the Governor's Mansion at 1 0:00 a.m.

Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Okay, maybe we could use some help.

We'll meet you there. There's no way we can do this without you.

You're a true American, Sergeant Sabitch. I thank you. Okay.

Robbie, this is the biggest thing I've ever asked of you.

Are you sure it's cool?

No, it's not cool. And if you get pulled over, I'm gonna say the car was stolen so that I can keep my job.

And one more thing.

Do not use the tape deck, 'cause it's been shorting out on me.

Don't forget.

What is this all about?

We got to be there at 1 0:00.

Okay, people. Coming through. Official police business.

I want you to step lively. Do not make me abuse my power.

These guys think we're reaI cops.

What the hell was that? A chunk of the road or something.

I just chunked in my pants.

You see that bug? It smacked the windshield.

Man, I'll get it. Here.

Where is the fricking thing? We got like levers galore in this thing.

Man, that was weird. That bug was coming at me, I totally connected eyes with him.

He was, like, slow motion going, "I can't stop! Don't wanna!"

Man, that was wild. It was so weird.

He was coming, just going, "My life's good. I'm alive, alive, alive, dead!"

But this map is heavy.

It's got all those robes on it.



I can't... I can't say that word. Roads!


Row-woods! That's sort of a weird word, isn't it?

That is a freaky word, man.

Very, very freaky.

I'm stoned. So are you!


Damn it, the nitrous oxide's leaking into the car!

Man! We got to... We got to maintain.

I think you just drive the speed limit. We're gonna be cool.

All right, everything's cool. I'll just go the speed limit.

Limit. Limit. Limit.

That's another one of those freaky words.


Did you turn the siren on?

Dude, I can't even find the glove compartment in this thing.

Oh, my God!

Man, we're screwed. Get in the back!

Get in there!

How you doing, buddy?

Transporting a prisoner. Twelfth Precinct up in Buckley town.

My sarge didn't give me any overtime, so I'm trying to do it lickety-split.

Tell me, Officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Well, I got a 426 Hemi in her. Three-quarter cams, Nitro Boosters.

I can get her up to as good as 1 55.

Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari.

I'd guess I was going about 65 tops.

Seven. Seven miles an hour.

And normally when I stop people, they pull onto the shoulder.

Now, I don't know how you do things up in Buckley town, but down here we are protective of the other drivers on the roads.

Row-ads. Roods. Quiet back there!

I've taken enough guff from you for one day. Raving psycho.

Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle.

Taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses.

Good God!

Then you get him through this state a little faster than seven miles an hour, Officer...

Meoff. Jack.


Man! What a goon!

You were great though, man. That was genius.

I never would've thought of that. That was hot.


Man, I hope there's enough juice left in these boosters.

See ya! Man!

We're live at the Governor's Mansion. Today's event is a ceIebration of Governor Tracy's election to a third term.

With aII the campaign staff, as well as their families, gathering for what appears to be quite a festive affair.

Governor Tracy, having just pulled out a squeaker, must be aII smiIes today.

We're just receiving word that Mike DonneIIy, the brother of AI DonneIIy, is invoIved in a high-speed poIice pursuit.

Mike DonneIIy, wanted for questioning in an arson fire, is driving down Capitol Boulevard in a stoIen poIice car.

I don't believe this. Driver, head back to the Capitol!

What are you, crazy? You can't do this. Do what?

Commit career suicide! I beg you, don't do this.

Give me some time. I can make you a senator!

Jesus, Roger, did it ever occur to you there is a time when family might be more important than career?

Ever occur to you that at some point you're gonna have to make a choice between me and that loser brother of yours?

Go on up there and scope it out. Nobody's gonna recognize you.

Okay. Promise me you'll stay right here.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

This election was about the majesty of democracy, where the gathered masses heId their vote high.

Guys, coming in right now.

My re-eIection couId not have been possibIe without aII the fine peopIe throughout this state who supported me in this victory. l must also thank my wonderfuI husband, Dennis, and my two beautifuI, inteIIigent chiIdren.

Steve! I'm in!

Where the hell's Drake, man? He's supposed to be here.

I'm surprised we can't count on a guy that lives in a school bus surrounded by land mines.

All right. Here's what we do.

We dress as caterers, right?

Nobody looks at a caterer's face, it's always, "What have you got in the tray?"

Then we sneak around back. When Tracy starts to...

Something's happening here. Steve, help. Steve!

Steve, get back here.

Oh, my God, the damn thing's caught on my belt! God! Help! Please!

I can't...

I can't... God!

You in the van, help! Help! Hello.


Stay. Steve!

Help! How are you?

Steve? Please! Somebody! Somebody help me! Somebody help me!

God! Help!

The voters have spoken.

And I have heard their message loud and clear.

And that message is...

HoIy shit!

Hi there. Hi.

Boy, I feel like a horse's patoot.

I... Oh, no! For the love of God!

I'm all right. I'm okay. Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

I'll be fine.

Nobody moves or Steve Dodds gets it!

Who? Steve Dodds!

Who's this guy? Come on!

I'm with the Donnelly campaign! What does it matter?

He's got a gun! You're a cop! Get over here! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

I want that asshole taken out. I'll get a sharpshooter on it right away.

Get your ass up there! I'll stick this...

Everybody back up or I bIow the pipsqueak's head off!

I've got something to say!

PIease Iisten to him! Do what he says! l have children, Tommy and Sally!

Shut up! AII right.

You keep your mouth shut!

As soon as you get a clear shot, take it.

Okay, listen up!

This is serious business!

Now, we've all been screwed by Governor Tracy!

And now I'm gonna screw her! l mean, l have evidence here that you need to know about now before it's too late!

Mike. Mike, what the hell are you doing here?


Isn't that Steve Dodds? Yes, sir.

AI, man, I know what I'm doing. I'm gonna prove you won the eIection.

Mike, put the gun down. There's other ways to handle this.

No, man! AI, there's no other way!

You got to beIieve me!

I believe you. I believe you. I just... I don't want you to get hurt.

Look, l know this looks bad.

AI, man, I'm not a screw-up on this one. I've got proof this time. ReaI proof!

Yeah, but, look... The election's over, it's history, just like you're gonna be if you don't put that gun down, I mean it.

AI, pIease!

If you Iove me Iike a brother, you got to back me up on this.

All right, Mike, I'll back you up. What do you want me to do?

Just Iet me expIain to these peopIe what happened.

That's it! Game over!

I'm not even getting paid for this! This is not worth it!

Look out! Get out! Look out! Okay!

Mr. Thundermaker here is gonna start barking fire if you don't stop moving and listen to what this young man has to say.

Go ahead, Mike, you're clear. Thank you, sir.

You just met Drake Sabitch, a great American soIdier.

I'd Iike to teII you a IittIe bit about some other great American soIdiers.

Drake Sabitch's grandfather, Winston Sabitch, whose name you'II find at the top of this Iist.

It says that he registered and voted for Governor Tracy.

And we're proud to have him as a voter.

Hold your tongue, wench.

The fact is Winston Sabitch was killed in the Argonne forest in 1 91 8.

A zeppelin landed on his head, smashing his head clean out of his ass.

That's my granddad. Rest in pieces, sir.

Norris Sabitch met his maker in lwo Jima, 1944.

Nelson Sabitch was killed near the 38th Parallel in Korea.

However, yesterday, these men managed to cast their vote for EveIyn Tracy.

You heard it here, folks. Voter fraud.

Now, haIf these peopIe are buried in the Garfield Cemetery. That's one county.

It's probabIy the same aII over the state.

Now hold on just a minute, young fellow.

There's a perfectly good explanation for all of this. Neuschwander!

Actually, there is a perfectly good explanation for this.

She put us up to it. Would you shut up!

It's all her. Shut up!

I don't care.

Ladies and gentlemen, this young man is a fine patriot.

He deserves to be hoisted up on our shoulders. Come here.

Sergeant, please, this isn't necessary! Come on. Come on.

Boy, you're a large American.

Get off of me! Off of me!

My foot's caught a little bit. I'm sorry. I beg your pardon.

Governor, I should say Ex-Governor, I'm just trying to get it out!


No, no, no!

Somebody help me!

How are ya?

Shut up!

Help, please.

Thanks for everything, bro.

Listen, there were times during the campaign when I kind of lost sight of what really mattered.

I never should have doubted you. Thanks, man. That's cool.

Are you sure you don't want a job on my staff?

You know what, Al? I don't think I'm really cut out for politics.

Besides I got a lot of work to do rebuilding that Rec Center, you know?

Kids really love the place, so... Yeah, I know.

Hey, I got somebody you got to meet. Hey, Scott, come here for a second.

You got to check this kid out. He's unbelievable.

He's got an arm on him like you used to have. Hey, Scott.

Hey, Mr. Governor, can I please have your autograph?

Why not? Governor-elect.

Get it right, moron.

There you go. Wow!

Check this out. Give me a toss, Scott. Hey, buddy!

Nice toss, Scott. Man, the kid's got a cannon.

Go long. Okay.

I'm sorry, ma'am! Are you okay?

So long, little brother. Okay, see you, Al.

So this is it, huh, Steve?

I guess I'm gonna miss you.

I'm not gonna miss a 9mm to my head, but... What were you thinking?

I don't know.

All right, you guys. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please!

Al! Al! No, no!