Block-Heads (1938) Script

One more minute and we'll be going over.

The men are all ready, sir. Okay.

Private Laurel.

You stay here and guard this post until relieved from duty.

Gee, I wish I was going with you.

Take care of yourself, won't you?

Don't worry about me, Stan. I'll be back. We'll all be back.

So long, pal.

You brainless idiot!

What are you trying to do?

Put that thing down!

War is war and I've got my orders.

What orders? Orders to guard this post.

You block-head!

The war's been over for 20 years.

It doesn't make any difference. When I'm told to do something...

What did you say?

I said the war's been over for 20 years.


The war's been over for 20 years!


How time flies.

Just seems like yesterday.

What did you say? You heard me.

Well, that accounts for it. Accounts for what?

Well, everything's been kinda quiet around here lately.

See, I... You better come along with me and I'll see that you get back home.

Well, it's been over...

Well, it's better than staying here.

Thanks very much.

Are you sure the war's been over for 20 years?

Positively. I can prove it to you.

Well, if it isn't, somebody's going to get into an awful jam.

And believe me...

Paper! Morning paper!

Were the eggs done enough this morning, dear?

Is there anything else, dear?

I almost burned my finger on the bacon this morning.

Light of my love, you've got something on your mind.

You can't fool your baby Oliver.

Oh, Oliver! You don't even remember what happened a year ago today.

Was that the day I fell off the bicycle and skinned my knee?

No, Oliver. Now just try to think.

It had something to do with you and me.

I give up. I can't quite remember what you mean.

Unless it was the day we got married... That's it!

It was just a year ago today that you came into my heart.

How could I forget?

Congratulations, Mrs Hardy.

Of course, I didn't forget.

We'll celebrate. That's it. We'll have a party.

Oh, Oliver!

How I've looked forward to this day.

I planned to prepare a dinner just for the two of us, as I did a year ago tonight.

You're so sweet and I'm such a cad.

No, you're not.

We'll do anything your little heart desires.

We'll have a nice quiet dinner... Uh-huh. and after that, we'll sit and hold hands and I'll whisper sweet little nothings in your ear.

Oh, Oliver!

This is wonderful. And you are so wonderful.

Here, I wonder if I could have an extra dollar with my allowance today?

Oliver, isn't 75 cents a day enough for you?

Well, usually it is, but today is different.

I wish you wouldn't ask me what I'm going to do with it.

It's to be a surprise.

Oh, Oliver, of course.

You can have a dollar and 25 cents more. Today.

Well, there's one more thing.

Do you mind if I use the car? Because I'll only be gone one hour.

Oh, of course not. But be careful and hurry right back, won't you?

Thank you.

I won't even say goodbye, my precious little Fig Newton.

I'll just say pardon me for one hour.

Oh, good morning, Mrs Gilbert. Good morning, Mr Hardy.

Gorgeous day, isn't it? Bright and cheerful, and so forth.

Oh, it's a lovely day. This is quite a day for me.

My anniversary and... Mrs Hardy's, too.

I have a reason to celebrate myself.

Mr Gilbert is coming home after two months hunting in Africa.

Oh, fine! Then we both have a reason to celebrate.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Oh. It's all right. I'll get them. Just a moment.

Oh, hello, darling. This is Mr Hardy.

My husband, Mr Gilbert.

How do you do, Mr Gilbert?

Uh, you came back rather unexpectedly, didn't you?

I dropped my newspaper and Mr Hardy was helping me pick it up.

Yes. You see, we were holding hands...

We were shaking hands and the newspapers fell out from under her arm.

Well, I guess we can get up now.

Well, I guess we'd better be going. Goodbye. I'm glad to have seen you.

Oh. Excuse me. My mistake. I'm sorry.

Oh. There you are. Goodbye. Oh... Goodbye, Mr Gilbert.

And who is that snake?

Well, that's Mr Hardy. He's our neighbour from across the hall.

Come in, dear. It's so nice to have you home.

Good morning, James. What's the news this morning?

Good morning, Mr Hardy.

I was just reading about a fella that stayed in the trenches for 20 years after the war, and didn't know it was over.

Well, how in the world could anyone be so stupid?

I don't know. Here's his picture. Oh.

I can't imagine anybody being that dumb.

Oh, yes, I can!

Out, please.

Thank you.

Quite all right, sir.

Down, please.

I don't see him just now, but you'll find him out there on the grounds somewhere.

Thank you.

Ollie! Stan!

Don't get up now. Sit right there.

How did you know I was here? I saw your picture in the paper.

Did ya? Yeah.

How did I look? Well, you haven't changed a bit.

Neither have you, too.

You know, if I hadn't have seen you, I never would have known you.

Gee, I'm glad to see you. I'm glad to see you, too.

Have you missed me all this time? I certainly have.

I missed you, too.

Well, how's things and everything?

Oh, everything's just fine. You know, I got married.

You don't tell me? Yeah.

Who did ya marry? Fifi? No.

Er, Lulu? No, no.

Camille? No.

I know. Fanny. No. No. You wouldn't know her.

She's a local girl. Oh.

You just wait till you meet her.

She's one of the finest little women that ever lived.

Don't tell. And can she cook!

Can she? Can she?

You just wait till you put your legs under that table... Pardon me.

You just wait till you put your leg under that table and put your teeth into one of those big, thick, juicy steaks covered with mushrooms, and those hot biscuits oozing with molten butter.

And those seven-layered chocolate cakes swimming in whipped cream.

Any beans?

You can have beans if you want 'em.

You can have anything in the world you want.

Well, it was nice of you to call, Ollie.

I hope you'll come around see me again sometime.

I've got to be going now.

Where are you going?

Well, it's call for mess, and I've got to eat.

You are not going in there.

You're coming home with me to meet the missus.

Am I?

And have one of those big, thick, juicy steaks.

Thank you, Ollie. You're welcome, Stan.

I want you to remember, from now on, my home is your home.

Thank you, Ollie. You're welcome, Stan.

And I'm never going to let you out of my sight again.

Thank you, Ollie. You're welcome, Stan.

Just sit back and relax.

Gee, I'm sure glad to see you, kid.

Gee, Ollie. You know, this is just like old times.

You and I being together.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

We sure used to have a lot of fun, didn't we?

We sure did.

You remember how dumb I used to be? Yeah.

Well, I'm better now. Well, I'm certainly glad to hear it.

Say, will you wait a minute, Ollie?

What do you want? I want to get a drink of water.

Now, you sit right there. I'll get the water for you.

Well, I only want to get over to the faucet tap.

Well, how can you get over to that faucet?

Now, you just sit there and relax and I'll be right back with it.


Come on, lug. Get outta that chair.

Just a minute. What do you mean insulting my friend?

That's my buddy's chair and I want it.

I'll give it to you when I'm good and ready.

Is that so? Yes, that's so.

Well, are you ready to give it to me?

On second thought, yes.

Don't exert yourself, Stanley. I'll carry you.

Are you comfortable?

Thank you, Stanley.

We haven't got much further to go now.

Well, here we are.

Is this your car?

That's... No, I got it. That way.

Now I'm nearly in. All right.

There's one...

Come here!

Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?

Well, you didn't ask me.

Get in the car!

Well, I've always had 'em. I don't know...

You are better now?


Go and get the guy to move that truck.

Go on.

The guy isn't there.

Well, move it yourself.

Hold it. Steady. Thank you.

And you can say in your newspapers that that is the largest boar ever bagged in India.

Kept me two extra months away from the little lady.

Very interesting. I'll bet there's a story behind it.

You said it. He gave me more trouble than a whole bunch of elephants.

It's much safer to hunt on horseback but I was going along on foot when suddenly, he charged me.

When he got close enough, I took aim and I fired.

The gun jammed. I tell you, it was a narrow escape.

But what did you do?

Of course, if you look at me, you wouldn't believe that I am very light on my foot... Feet!

I jumped to one side. You were in a spot.

But not for long.

See, if you keep cool, everything is all right.

And I was cool. I had a chill in my back.

I took out both of my revolvers and I let him have 12 shots.

Six and six.

He almost made you a widow, didn't he, Mrs Gilbert?

Oh, I never have to worry about my husband.

When he takes aim, it's a bullseye.

Of course, I'm not like other hunters.

I don't bring 'em back alive.

I bring 'em back dead.

I come back alive.

I suppose you got those elephant tusks in India, too?

Oh, no. In Africa. You see, I was with my safari...

"Safari", that means a bunch of native boys.


See, I had my lion gun with me, that's much smaller than an elephant gun.

And when Jumbo came charging after me, I let him have the full magazine of bullets.

You think that bothered him?

That made him angry. Angry. It made him mad!

Then he pulled over five or six trees.

He charged again. I got down on one knee, and I took aim. I took a beat at his left eye and I let him have it.

I'll bet that did the trick.

Well, there's his teeth.

Say, that reminds me. I've got to go down to the gun shop.

I'm having a new gun made especially for me.

I mean, for the elephants.

Well, goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, darling. Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.

Thanks very much.

This'll make an interesting story. Thank you, Mrs Gilbert.

Who opened the door? No one.

It opens automatically. How do you mean?

Well, do you see that plate?

Well, you just drive over that, and the door opens.

I never saw anything like that before.

You mind if I try it?

No. Go ahead. Just drive straight back now.

Now just drive it forward.

What's it say?

"Out of order."

Where'd you get that? I found it on there.

The fella put it on there when you were...

We'll have to walk up.

What floor do you live on? The 13th.

Gee, that's quite a ways.

That isn't far. We'll be up there in a jiffy.

Will we? What's 13 flights?

Going up?


That's right. Won't be long now.

Six. Mm-hmm.

How long did you say it would take us to get up there?

Oh, just a jiffy. Hmm.

How far's a jiffy?

About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.

Hmm. Didn't think it was so far. Surprising, the distance.

Seven. Uh-huh.

How many with seven makes 13?


Swell. We've only got six more jiffies.

Won't be long now.



Hey, I think we'd better rest a while.

That was a good idea of yours.

Come, come, come, come. Don't block the stairway there. Come on...

Who do you think you're talking to?

I'm talking to you, you big, overstuffed polliwog!

You smile when you call me that. Ha!

If we weren't in this respectable apartment house, I'd wipe the floor up with you! Ooh! Don't let that stop you.

Why don't you take him outside?


See? He's afraid to go.

Who's afraid to go? Any time you're ready.

Well, there's no time like the present.

I should say not. Come on!

You can't get away with that with me. Polliwog, huh?

He can't talk to you like that.

There's going to be a fight. Yes, sir.

There's gonna be a fight.

Hey, Ollie? What?

What's a polliwog? I'll tell you later.

There's gonna be a fight.

There's gonna be a fight.

There's gonna be a fight.

You think you can get away with that?

There's gonna be a fight.

I'd better help you. Never mind.

Just leave it to me. All right.

It'll be over in a jiffy. Yeah.

Hey. There's gonna be a fight.

We'll show him if he thinks he can...

If you want to apologise, it's all right with me.

Apologise? Ha! Yes.

For what?

For calling me an overstuffed polliwog!

No man living can call me an overstuffed polliwog and get away with it! All right. All right.

You're not an overstuffed polliwog. Well, that's better.

You're an inflated blimp!

That's different.

I don't know what that means, but all these people can't be wrong.

Well, then why don't you fight and shut up?

You bet your life I'll fight.

The very idea!

He wants to fight. Come outside.

I'm gonna give you one more chance.

Now, if you want to apologise, here's your opportunity.

Oh, well, all right. I'm sorry. I apologise.

I knew he was yellow.

Yellow, eh?

Get back there and fight!

You'd better call an ambulance. It's gonna be terrible.

Yes, sir.

There's gonna be a fight. You'd better come out...

What happened?

The fight is over.

What did you do to him? Never mind what I did to him.

What did you wanna suggest coming down here for, when he could have punched me...

Uh, when we could have done the same thing on the tenth floor?

Well, I didn't know... Ah, come on.


Lulu! Gee, I haven't seen you in ages.

You remember Stan, don't ya? How could I ever forget him?

Ha, I just met him today.

You know, I haven't seen him in 20 years.

No, you see, everybody thought I was dead, didn't they? Mm-hmm.

How did you find out you weren't? Well, I figured that...

Well, I saw my picture in the paper.

Didn't I? Yeah.

What ya doing?

I was just taking Stan up to meet the missus.

The missus? Yeah.

Are you married? I sure am.

To the finest woman in the world.

And how she can cook.

She picked... Ollie, did you get my note?

What note?

I just sent a note up to your apartment and I wouldn't want anybody but you to read it.

Oh. What was in it?

I was just, uh... Reminiscing.

Oh! Come on, we've gotta get that note!

Ollie. What?

When you get it, be sure and burn it.

I will, don't worry!

If I get that... Come on...


Hey, what ya do that for? Ah, don't bother me!

Hey, Pop! Pop! Come on out here!

That fat guy kicked my ball down the stairs.

Hey, you.

Come here.

Is there gonna be a fight? Shh!

Go on downstairs and bring that ball back, and make it snappy.

I'm busy...

Come on, get going. Yes, sir. Yes.

Go downstairs and get the ball for me.

Why should I go down and get it?

I've gotta stay up here and get the note.

It's a matter of life and death. Well, I don't want to!

Well, go ahead down, and don't argue with me. And hurry up!

Hey, where's that ball? My friend's...

I thought I told you to get that ball...

I know but I've got some...

Go on down and get that ball, and make it quick.

Yes, sir.

And I'll wait till you bring it back.

If he thinks I'm gonna run downstairs and get that ball, he's crazy.

Give it to the kid and don't let it happen again.

Hey, Pop! Pop! That guy kicked me.

Why don't you put some ice in it?

Come on.

Why didn't you tell me you had the key out of the lock?

Well, you didn't ask me. Didn't ask me!

Gee, that's pretty underwear. Don't get personal.

Mr Hardy? Oh!

Yes, Mrs Gilbert?

This note was left in my apartment by mistake. Thank you.

Who is it from? Why, it's from Lulu. No, it isn't.

How do I know who it's from?

This is my friend, Mr Laurel, Mrs Gilbert.

How do you do?

Mrs Gilbert is my neighbour across the hall.

He's going to stay with us a while.

Oh, how nice.

How's Mrs Hardy?

Oh, she's still just as sweet as ever.

I was telling him how wonderfully she can cook.

Oh, yes. I hear she's one of the best.

I hope you have a pleasant stay.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Come in here.


Oh, honey?

Oh, darling!

Oh, baby?

She's gone shopping. She'll be back in a little while.

Just sit down and make yourself at home.

Gee, you've got a swell place here.

Well, it's comfy.

Have you got a cigarette?

I never smoke.

Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?

Of course not.

What's all right with me is okay with her.

I know, but a lot of dames are particular.

Well, she's not. That's one thing...

What do you mean calling my wife a dame?

Hello, honey.

So, you were going to be back in an hour.

Is that the wife? Yeah.

I thought you said she was... Oh, she's only clowning.

Come on. I want you to meet her.

You know, she's the greatest little kidder in the world. Oh, darling?

Oh, sugar? I want you to meet my buddy.

Don't "Sugar" me. And how often have I told you not to bring your tramp friends around here?

Oh, but dear, I haven't seen Stan in 20 years.

I couldn't see him in a hundred years.

Oh, now, dear, this is no time for levity.

I've been telling him how wonderful you could cook.

Oh, you have?

Yeah. Why don't you fix one of those nice, big, juicy steaks?

You know, and the seven-layered... Who put that bee in your bonnet?

He did, didn't you?

Well, if you think that I'm going to stand over a hot stove and cook for every knick-knack, you'll bring in here, you're crazy.

Excuse me.

But, toots, Stan is different.

I'll say he's different.

And don't call me toots!

What's a knick-knack?

Oh, a knick-knack's thing that sits on top of a whatnot.

Huh. And don't bother me!

I am sick and tired. Will you shut up?

If you knew this boy better, you'd appreciate him more.

I went all the way to the Soldiers Home to get him to come up here and have one of your nice big, juicy steak...

Come outta there!

And put that pipe out.

Will you get out of my way? I'd like somebody to cook for me for a change.

I'm not gonna stay here the rest of my life slaving over a hot stove for you and your good-for-nothing old friends. Goodbye!


Now, let that be a lesson to you. What?

Never get married.

Well, thanks for the lovely time, and I'll be seeing you later.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm going over to the Soldiers Home.

What for? Well, I want to get something to eat.

You'll have something to eat if I have to cook it myself.

Well, that's... Now, you go in and light the oven and I'll set the table.

We'll show her. I'll say we'll show her.

Ha! Ha! You can't do that to me!


Hey, Ollie?

What? You got a match?

What do you want with it? I want to light the oven.

Ah, go and sit down. You get on my nerves. I'll light it.

Any time I want something done right, I always have to do it myself.

Mr Hardy, what in the world happened?

Well, you see, we had a slight accident.

Uh, I was preparing to cook dinner for my friend, Mr Laurel and...

Oh, where's Mrs Hardy?

Oh, well, luckily, she went out before this happened.

What would she think if she saw the place like this?

I shudder to think of it.

Well, let me help you clean it up before she comes back.

Well, that's awfully sweet of you, Mrs Gilbert.

Where have you been?

I thought there was an earthquake.

Well, go in and turn the gas off and get me a drink of punch. I'm a nervous wreck.

And get one for Mrs Gilbert.

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

That's right. Whenever you want anything done right, always do it yourself.

Pardon us, Mrs Gilbert. Certainly.

We'll have this place cleaned up in just a jiffy.

Turn that gas off.

Get me some glasses.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry, Mrs Gilbert.

Oh, that's quite all right. Accidents will happen.

I'll get you something to dry your dress.

No, don't bother, Mr Hardy.

I'll just run over to the apartment. It won't take me a minute to change.

I'll be right back. Oh, that's awfully kind of you.

What happened?

What happened? Oh!

Something wrong, Mrs Gilbert?

I left my key in the apartment and it's locked. What'll I do?

Maybe Mrs Hardy left something you can slip on. I'll look and see.

Oh, that's fine.

Here you are, Mrs Gilbert.

This is all I could find.

Now, you go in there and take off that wet dress before you catch cold.

And while you're changing, I'll phone downstairs and have them send you up a key.

Thank you, Mr Hardy. You're welcome. And thank you.


Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello.

This is Mr Hardy. How do you do?

How are you? Fine, thank you.

That's good. Nice weather we're having.

Oh, it's a beautiful day.

Say, Mrs Gilbert is locked out of her apartment, and will you please send up a key?

What's the number? Just a minute. Hold on. Right there.


Why should I send up a key? I've got nothing to do with it.

If she came in here and...

Oh, Mrs Gilbert, the phone is out of order. And I'll have to go downstairs and get you a key.

Oh, would you do that, Mr Hardy?

Oh, Yes. I'll take the elevator and I'll be back in just a jiffy.

Don't take too long.

My wife, Mrs Hardy is coming.

Oh, that's all right. I can explain.

Not in my pyjamas you can't explain.

You don't know my wife.

What are we going to do? We've got to hide.

I'll find a place over here. You come with me.

There's no place in here to hide.

We've got to find a place. My wife will kill me!

Now, sit like a chair. What?

Sit like a chair, like that.

And don't make a noise.

Just hold still.

Come on, quick. We can hide in here.

What happened here?

I don't know. We started to cook a steak...

Never mind that. Where's that big, fat Billiken of mine?

He's hiding.

Where? In there.

Oh, he is, is he? Well, he won't be hiding long.

"...see my grandfather.

"The grandfather laughed. He said..."

Hello, sugar. Don't "Sugar" me!

What's been going on in here and how come my car's all smashed?

Well, dear. I'll tell you something...

Sit down! Not only is my car all smashed, but I come back after five minutes and find the place entirely wrecked!

Well, if you let me... What have you been doing? Sit down!

Have you been playing soldier with this buddy of yours here?

I've been trying to keep things nice for you and what happens?

I leave and I come back and find things wrecked!

Sit down, I tell you!

For the life of Mike, if you think I'm going home to mother, you're crazy.

I'm going to stay right here...

Silly to go on arguing like...

I wouldn't argue.

After all, it's no good to argue.

All just because I came up here.

I had nothing to do with it.

Silly to go on arguing like that.

What are you arguing about? I haven't said anything.

If you want me to go, I'll stay as long as you want.

Silliest thing that I ever heard.

And I gave you a dollar and 25 cents!

Silliest thing that I ever heard.

I wish you'd stop this argument. It's the silliest thing I ever...

I never heard anything like it in my life.

Isn't that terrible? Hey! Get up from there.

Oh, my beautiful stove!

What did you do to the kitchen? It's wrecked!

Get up. Sit down.

Get up. Sit down.

Get up! Sit down! I'm the boss here.

Sit down. Get up.

Oh, I'm fed up. Sit down! Get up!

Get up out of there. Stand up!

Well, she said I could. I don't care what she said!

If I want to sit down, I'll sit down.

I can do just as I like 'cause she told me that I could sit...

Big dumbbell.

Oh, my beautiful stove. In the trunk.

Quick. Get in here, quick. Hurry up.

Now, let me tell you something once and for all...

Let me tell you something... Sit down!

Now, you listen to me. I... Shush!

I've got enough of this.

Oh, how dare you? Tut tut tut tut!

I'm going to leave for a change!

And I am not going home to mother. Pardon us.

Come, Stanley.


Just a minute. Where do you think you're going?

I have packed my clothes and I am leaving for Honolulu.

Oh, you are? Who put that bee in your bonnet?

Stan did. He said that I should get out of here.

And besides, a trip will do me good.

Oh, you did, huh? Yeah.

So, not content with wrecking my home, you wanna take my husband away from me, do you?

Well, I'll fix you! Hmm.

Is there gonna be a fight? Shh.

Wait a minute. You're not gonna... Let me tell you something...

What's the matter? What's happening?

I'll tell you what's the matter and what's happening.

That little worm, that flub is trying to break up my happy home.

But I'll fix him. I'll get the police and have him taken back to the Old Soldiers Home where he belongs!

That's what I'm gonna do.

Hmm. So you're a home breaker, huh?

You look like the kind of a guy that would break up a happy home.

You know what I would do to anybody that would come between me and my wife?

I'd get my trusty fowling piece and I'd blow him...

To nothing!

Well, I had nothing to do with it, you see. He brought me here from the old Soldiers Home. He was gonna give me a nice big steak...

Never mind that. What happened?

Well, you see, he's got a girl in the trunk and he didn't want his wife to know. So he asked me...

What did you tell him that for? Well, he asked me.

When the wife's away, the rats will play.

What do you want to bring them into your own home for?

That's ridiculous.

Why don't you come with me sometime?

I know where there's a whole bunch of blan.

Hey, Listen. Why do you think I go to Borneo all the time?

You can come with me sometime.

You too. How do you do? I was gonna...

My wife!

I can't miss all the time!

Subtitles : Deluxe