Blue in the Face (1995) Script

♫ "God's Child" ♫ Performed by David Byrne And Selena

Hey, hey, hey

Who caused this child ♪ ♪ to walk on her own

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Who leads her down ♪ ♪ this treacherous road

Hey, hey, hey, hey

She's dancing to ♪ ♪ a song we can't hear

Hey, hey, hey, hey

I think one of the reasons I live in New York is 'cause...

I know my way around New York.

I don't know my way around Paris.

I, uh... don't know my way around Denver.

I don't know my way around Maui.

I don't know my way around Toronto, etcetera.

So, it's almost by default.

I don't know very many people who live in New York... who don't also say, "But I'm leaving."

And I've been thinking of leaving... for, uh, 35 years now.

I'm almost ready.

Last summer there was a stretch of a couple of weeks... where everywhere I turned everyone seemed to be going nuts.

I mean, it's crazy enough living in Brooklyn in the first place.

But, so many weird little things kept popping up at once.

They all kinda got scrambled together in my head.

I doubt that any of it makes sense anymore... but... this is how I remember it.

You got it? I got it.

Remember, okay? Saturday the sixteenth.

Saturday the sixteenth? Yes.

Saturday the sixteenth? Saturday the sixteenth.

It has to be that night. It's got to be because it's the only night... that Ramon and his band are playing in Brooklyn. Okay?

Auggie, he's my brother. Trust me, okay?

Don't worry, sweetheart. It's a date. Trust me.

Thank you. Listen. Listen.

You're going to be so special.

Just remember the steps I teach you. Okay?

And you're going to be like Fred "Fucking" Astaire.

Okay, Ginger. Whatever you say. Hey! Thief!

He took my bag! Hey!

He got your purse.

Thank you very much, sir. You okay?

I really appreciate that. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Good.

That was great. All right.

Let's go call the cops, have this little kid arrested.

Come on. Wait a second.

We'll call from inside the store.

You're gonna have him arrested?


No. No. No! Don't! How old are you?

I see it in your eyes. Me? I'm only... 12.

Come on, he's... Is that what you're gonna give me now, lady?

No. He's scared to death. Come on.

I'm scared to death of him.

You caught him in about five seconds flat. I'm only 12 years old... and I only shoot people who can't catch me, who are too old...

Come on. Come on. Lady. Lady!

Mister, come on. I thank you for getting it back, but let him go. He's too little.

You're not gonna press charges against him? No.

You're not gonna press charges against him? No. Look at him.

Look at him? What about him? He's a baby. He looks like my little brother.

Sweetheart, babies are shooting people in New York today.

Do you see a gun on him? Come on. Do you read the papers?

You got a gun on you? You're kidding me. Let him go, all right?

Bye, bye. That's it. This is a joke already. Let him go.

Stop it. Leave him alone, please! That's enough.

Let's call the cops. Just let him go. All right?

I don't care. I don't want to press charges. Thank you.

I do appreciate getting my purse back, but please let him go.

He's gonna be good. Look at him. Uh-huh.

You're not gonna do anything anymore.

Here, it's yours. It's yours. You're looking for trouble.

You're looking for trouble. Go! Go!

What are you doing? Why'd you do that?

You shit! Look at the poor girl. Why you do that, you fuck?

Why you stand there? Do something! You think it's funny.

It's not funny. I'm not laughing. How dare you do that!

How dare you take my thing and give it away like that.

Do you know what is in there? Lady...

Shut up! Lady?

What are you doing? Are you some kind of vigilante? If that bag is important to you... then hang onto it.

I put my life at risk to catch that kid. Thank you, but I have a right... to forgive somebody and not be punished for it. No. You've got a respon...

Excuse me, sweetheart. Give me a minute. Don't talk to me like that, Auggie.

You've got a responsibility to teach that kid... Don't stick that in my face!

You have no right. Oh, lady.

Lady! Lady! What is this? You've got a responsibility to teach this kid right from wrong.

You just taught him right from wrong? That was right from wrong?

You just rewarded him! You know what you taught him?

I rewarded him? Mama! You gave it back to him.

Oh, God! Please! Come on, stop it!

I rewarded him? You just gave it back. What a lesson was that?

It was encouragement. Mine was a lesson of clemency. Clemency? Lady!

I showed him a little bit of kindness. This is New York!

I'm scared in my own apartment.

I'm scared in my own apartment.

I'm, I'm... You know.

I'm scared 24 hours a day, but not necessarily in New York.

I actually feel pretty comfortable in New York.

I get scared like in Sweden.

You know, it's kind of empty. They're all drunk.

Everything works.

If you, you know... If you stop at a stop light and don't turn your engine off... people come over and talk to you about it.

You open the medicine cabinet and there'll be a poster saying...

"In case of suicide, call..."

You turn on the TV, there's an ear operation.

These things scare me. New York, no.

There are 2.3 million people living in Brooklyn.

There are 90 different ethnic groups...

32,000 businesses... and 1,500 churches, synagogues and mosques in Brooklyn.

There were 30,973 robberies...

14,596 felonious assaults... and 720 murders committed in Brooklyn last year.

No problem, Vin. Everything's under control.

I could run this store in my sleep. I know.

How long you been workin' for me, Auggie?

I don't know. Thirteen, fourteen years. Something like that.

Kinda crazy, don't you think? I mean, uh... a smart guy like you, what do you want to hold onto a dead-end job like this for?

I don't know.

Maybe because I love you so much, boss.

I love you too.

The Brooklynites

The Brooklynites

The Brooklynites

The Brooklynites, yo

Shakes you for the truth ♪ ♪ The three, the four, the five

The "A", the "C", the "E" ♪ ♪ The "B-D-F"

The "N", the "R" ♪ ♪ The Queens bound "G"

Won't you please stand clear ♪ ♪ of the closin'doors

Won't you please ♪ ♪ stand clear of...

Won't you please ♪ ♪ stand clear of... The Brooklyn attitude, as far as I'm concerned, is first... knowing what you're doing, being right... and following through and never stop following through on what you believe in.

And, uh, if you have to defend it... physically, verbally, spiritually, whatever way you have to defend it, is...

Brooklyn people are always ready to pay the price for what they believe in.

And, um, it's being up front and following through... and not taking any crap from anybody.

Uh, a pack of Kools, please.

What's she doing? I heard you, Dennis.

Huh? I heard you, Dennis. This is a public place.

Yeah, it's a public place. Whatever.

How you doin'? How you doin', Dennis?

Oh, I'm good. I'm always good.

I'm glad to see your fingers aren't broken.

Wha... What the... What's that supposed to mean?

If your fingers were broken, you'd have an excuse for not callin' Mary last night.

She sat by the phone all night. She thought somethin' happened.

"Oh, maybe Dennis... Maybe something happened." Fool!

If you tell her you're gonna meet her, you come or at least call.

Wha... Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you comin' in here tellin' me...

I was hopin' I'd bump into you, to be honest. No, let me fin...

What are you comin' in here, tellin' me what to do with my girlfriend?

Your girlfriend? I think that...

If you cared an ounce about Mary, you would not let her sit there all night waiting for you.

Mary and I have an understanding. See, I work for a living.

She didn't act like she understood anything last night. I don't know what you do.

I know what you do. You spend ten hours a day standing around a diner, making 25...

I work for a living. I have a schedule, I have people... A schedule?

The Knicks game's at 8:00. That means at 7:00 you're out there with the tickets.

That's a schedule? It's a schedule. It's a job.

It's where I have to be. It's something she understands. And what is this?

What are you doin' even like deciding wh-what she needs to think, what l...

Wh-What are you gettin' in my shit for?

I don't give a shit what you do with your life.

Do what you like. But leave my sister... Then shut up about it.

In one piece. Then shut up about it! Why you come in here...

These... This place... Don't touch me. I don't like to see my sister...

How 'bout you don't touch me at all, okay? Keep your greasy diner fuckin' fingers off me.

What? You know, I had...

Where do you come off? I spent a year listening to Phil, my good friend...

You know Phil. I spent a fuckin' year listening to him bitch about you.

A year! And now you're gonna tell me how to run my relationship?

You're gonna tell me what I should do to my girlfriend, or shouldn't do? I'm asking...

I believe you come... Y-Y-You... Phil left you. I think that was the case, right?

A-Am I mistaken about that? I don't think that was the sequence of events.

I think he left... Well, no. What was, then? What, you left him?

No, I don't think so. I don't think so! No. He left you.

You know why he left her? Frigid. Frigid. I'm glad you're an ex...

That's why. Frigid. Nothin'. Nothin'! Nothin'! Nothin'!

Fuck you! Ice bitch. Ice bitch.

Fuck you, you bastard!

I taught him handball, and he's my best opponent because the score's always tied.

We don't fight at home because we fight on the court.

I'm talkin' about drop-dead fights. I won't give.

I'll die. I'll fall down on that court before I give him a point.

And then he tries to harass me on, you know.

He said, "Oh! Now," he said, "I'm gonna get serious."

And every time he does that, I kick his butt.

What the fuck you come in here doin' this shit for?

These are my friends. You're telling him how to run his business!

These are my friends. What the hell you comin' in here tellin' my friends...

Dennis, come on. No! Fuck you. Fuck you!

All right, I'll just go out. Just forget about it.

What we... What were you yelling about? Is that what this is about?

You guys sit around here and talk all day this trash? Nah. No.

I'm sorry. I started it. Believe me, I know I started it.

Nobody talks about you. Hmm.

Wh-What were you yelling about?

Things we shouldn't've been yelling about. You want a hug?

Yeah. Yeah?

Get right in there, Jimmy.

Do you feel better? Yeah, a lot better.

You're not rigid anymore? No, no. Not rigid.

I get rigid sometimes.


Like the Indian over there.

Yeah? Yeah. I, I stand over there, get rigid.

Auggie says that, uh...

Auggie says that, uh...

He says that first of all, you...

He says first of all, you like somebody.

And, um, and then you kiss 'em.

Then after you kiss 'em, uh, you do the dirty.

Yeah. Yeah, doin' the dirty.

Yeah. He says, and after that, uh... then you find out if, uh, you can fall in love with 'em.

And if you fall in love with 'em, you marry somebody else.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, Dot. Hi.

How are you, kid? Well, I'm just great. I'm just great.

Can I have gum? Everything's real fuckin' great.

What brings you to sunny Brooklyn?

I just drove in. I wanted to talk to ya, if I can talk to ya.

Can I talk to ya? Do you have a minute?

You caught me at a bad time. I'm taking inventory. Ooh, a minute.

A minute. I'm so fucking pissed off!

Goddamn it, I'm so fucking pissed off at Vinny. I just...

I just wanted to talk to you about it. I don't know why I want to talk to you about it.

But you know him. I don't know.

I don't know him. What happened?

He just drives me out of my fuckin' mind. You know what I mean?

He promised me that he was gonna take me to Las Vegas. You heard about that and everything.

Then at the last minute of course, another time, he pulls out.

And he says, "We're gonna postpone it." Or cancel it. Whatever the fuck he said.

But I'm not goin'. He's not goin' with me, anyway. Yeah?

And I'm mad because I was looking forward to it.

I really wanted to go. I've been wanting to go my whole life.

But instead of being able to go there, what did I do? I sat there washing dishes... making tuna fish casserole for 15 years, and I don't get to go to Las Vegas.

And I'm pissed, and I can't get on this chair!

Dot, baby, he must've had a good reason for canceling.

He doesn't have a good reason. There is no good reason.

There's a million reasons, but none of them are good.

I need to have some excitement. I wanted to go... you know, where there's things happening at night... after 6:00.

How about your bed? Ha.

Like I said, that's why I want to go to Las Vegas.

Come on! Come on? You don't know.

So the guy, one time he broke a promise. It isn't one time!

It's every time. It's 15 years' worth of times.

It's not one time. If it was one time, do you think I'd be this upset?

If it was one time, I'd be like, "Oh, that's okay. That's okay, Vinny."

But it's always. We never do anything fun!

I'm a fun girl.

Can I really talk to you? I mean, really talk to you? Of course, Dot.

Well, he's a... I don't know. Whoa. Whoa.

Hey, Violet. How are you? Hi, Dot.

Hi. You know Dot. Dot, Violet.

Yeah. Hi, Violet. Hi, Dot.

What's doin', baby? Well, I come... You make it clearer, okay?

I come to tell you that Saturday night... you and me, chicky-chicky, dancey-dancey, remember, okay?

You're goin' dancin', huh? Well, don't cancel.

I'll see you later. Okay, listen. Listen, just...

Don't cancel, though. Don't let him cancel. We don't cancel.

He don't cancel with me. Vinny doesn't cancel either. Vinny's not...

Don't gimme your shit. I'll see you later.

All right. Be good. Yeah.

What are you doin', gorgeous? How are you?

Nice to see you, baby.

So, you and I go dancey-dancey, okay?

Saturday night. Saturday night?


Not this Saturday night. You mean the Saturday night after.

Bullshit, Auggie. Bullshit!

Oh! What are you doin'? What are you doing to me?

Don't do that. He's gotta sweep the floor.

Auggie, you say Saturday night. Don't bullshit me. What kind of number you tryin' to pull?

You say the sixteenth. We say the sixteenth, okay?

I planned the whole night.

Jesus! Is there something in the air? What's the matter with you?

Dotty's upset. You're upset. About what?

What's in your ear? That's my music.

Listen, sweetheart. Saturday night, um...

Saturday night I promised Tommy...

I'd clean out his brother's apartment with him.

His brother, um, his brother Chuck.

We were... in the Navy together, and he died.

You understand? I don't know what you're talking about, okay?

Chuck. Chuck. Who the fuck is Chuck?

No, who the fuck was Chuck? Chuck is dead.

Chuck's the guy I was in the Navy with and he died.

You... are two-timing me, ain't you, baby? Come here.

Two-timing you? Come here. Yes.

You're too beautiful to two-time. Who is it? Dot? Sally?

Oh, I know. I know.

It's the little waitress with the fat culo, isn't it?

You give me more credit than I deserve, doll.

No, no. I would never two-time you. What's the matter with you?

I love you. Come on, stop. Stop.

You lied to me, Augusto.

And people who lie... don't deserve no love.

You mess with Violeta.

And Violeta fight back.

I rip your guts out, Auggie... like a tiger.

Like a fucking tiger... with teeth...

as sharp as the razor blades.

Don't fuck with me.

L-Is a Brooklyn girl a good fighter?

Of course. 'Cause we don't scratch and pull hair.

We fight like guys, fist to fist. You know what I'm sayin'?

And if we can't beat the other girl, we'll use... a garbage can or a bottle or anything.

Do I have a boyfriend? Yeah.

He's a roughneck, though.

But he's not like me. He don't like lookin' at stuff and chillin' out.

He wanna go smoke weed and drink forties all day and...

That's all he does. I mean, I think he smokes a pound of weed a day.

He's my boyfriend, but I'm gonna change him because he got too much Brooklyn in him.

Pack of Luckys?

You know what? No.

I'll tell you what. I've got one cigarette left... and I decided I was gonna come here, I'm gonna quit.

But I wanted to smoke this with you.

So I thought, you know, "Last cigarette, smoke it with Auggie."

In fact... Hey, Jimmy. You're kidding me? I'm touched.

Would you take a picture of me and Auggie with my last cigarette?

You just push this. Yeah.

This is it, man. All right.

Where do you want me to stand? I don't know.

Think you could come over here? All right.

Yeah. You just push this. This one?

No, this one.

All right? Yeah.

Bob, you know... The last cigarette... with Auggie.

I'm touched you would want to smoke your last cigarette with me.

Twelve years I come in here. Luckys. Wait, Jimmy. Your finger's in front.

All right.

All right. Thanks, man. Good. You got it, Jimmy.

Good. Okay. You got it.

Thanks. So this is it. One more cigarette.

I remember my first cigarette, man.

These friends of mine, they stole cigarettes from this store, Beeler's Pharmacy.

I still remember. It was like a suburb of Akron, Ohio where I grew up.

So we walked home along the railroad tracks. Opened the pack.

I still remember. It was like a pack of Newports.

We smelled 'em first. You know, that menthol. It smelled like candy.

Then we lit 'em up. We started inhaling, coughing.

A couple minutes later, we're sick, nauseous, dizzy.

But we felt so cool. You know? Yeah.

Real bad-ass ten-year-old kids smokin'.

But sex and cigarettes, man, you gotta admit.

That's one thing I'm really gonna miss, having a cigarette. Sex?

Well... You giving up sex also because you can't smoke afterwards?

Maybe, you know, if... l-I've never had a girlfriend who didn't smoke.

Maybe that means if I quit, I'll never have sex again. I don't know.

But having a cigarette after sex, that's like...

A cigarette never tasted like that, you know? Share a cigarette with your lover.

That's bliss. That I'm gonna miss.

Also with coffee. Coffee and cigarettes, you know?

That's like breakfast of champions.

Hey, my man. Hey. What's happenin'?

Want some coffee?

Don't get lint on your outfit.

Lint? No, I hate lint. Lint ain't no good for me.

Let me ask you somethin'. What do you want to ask me?

I got a job interview at 209-1/2...

See, man. Is there any nurses livin' in the neighborhood?

Nurses? There's a hospital five blocks up on the left-hand side.

I just came out of the hospital.

You need to go back to the hospital, get that redressed.

No. It just got dressed. It don't look like it just got dressed.

What day is this? Today? It's Wednesday.

Wednesday. What are you lookin' for?

I'm lookin' for 209-1/2... This is 211. 209's across the street.

Half is in between. Right in that crack. You're wrong.

This is 209. 209 ain't across the street. 208 is across the street.

209's here, 211 's here. So 209-1/2 is in between these two buildings.

I don't need no information from you. You don't know nothin'.

This is Brooklyn. You don't go by numbers. What are you lookin' for?

I'm lookin' for $4.95 to get a Belgian waffle.

Ah! You're lookin' for $4.95.

Is that a work of art or what? That's beautiful.

They don't make those anymore. Obsolete.

You can't get that. You better go home to mama and get that.

It looks pretty good actually.

Brooklyn has everything.

It has little, little, uh, rivers runnin' through it. People don't know it.

It has waterfalls in it, and they don't know where it's at.

And, uh, it's just fantastic.

It's a big, beautiful borough. It has everything.

Flatlands, highlands, lowlands, wooded land.

And even swamps.

When you look at the other boroughs and compare them all...

Brooklyn is larger and is the hippest of all of the boroughs.

I'll meet you there, then.

Check it out. I got the clocks, the watches. I don't deal in Swatches.

Seiko, Casio, Timex, Rolex.

What do you need when you have sex? The latex. Don't forget. How you doin', man?

I got it all. I'll take the whole batch.

You like my sales pitch? Not bad, man.

What you sellin', my man? I got a good deal for you today.

For you, Mr. Brooklyn Cigar Company... What've you got?

I got $20 and $25 prices. Twenty and $25?

I've got the African price, I've got the European price. Which one you want?

African price or European price. Show me something nice. What does that mean?

Take a look. I'll get to what that means in a minute.

I'm dealing with the African first.

Black people first, always.

Rolex. Rolex, baby. It's the real deal lizard skin.

Where'd you get this? Don't you worry yourself about that, baby.

I got the goods. You ain't got to worry about that.

You're gonna sell this Rolex for 20, 25, 30, 40, 50? What is it?

African price... $25. What does that mean, African price?

I'm not from Africa.

There are 872,702 African Americans.

412,906 Jewish people.

462,4ll Hispanic people livin' in Brooklyn.

There ain't one black person even hangin' around this neighborhood.

What're you doing here, man? My name is Tommy Fennili. That's my name.

Tommy Fennili. Oh, yo! Tommy Fennili.

Are you from Brooklyn or somethin'? This guy! Please, guys!

Why you hangin' out in this neighborhood? Crown Heights, Howard Beach.

We're in Brooklyn, man. Brooklyn! This is my neighborhood.

West Side, do or die. That's where I'm from. This is my neighborhood.

Your neighborhood. How'd you get the name Fennili? I'm from Italy.

From Italy? My father's Italian, my mother's black.

You ain't even... What's that? Mulatto? You ain't no mulatto.

You're as black as me, man. Hey, hey. Come on.

Wait. How do you know what I am?

I'll tell you this, black man. You're assuming.

I'll tell you this, black man. I'll tell you this, my brother. No. Wait a minute.

My brother Fennili, I'll tell you this.

Calm down. Get real with me. Talk to me. Excuse me.

I'm gonna take a seat over here. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

He's not gonna buy one. Chill, chill, chill. Excuse me, sir.

Timex, Rolex, Casio, Seiko.

Whatever you want, I got it for yo.

Yo. Come on, man. I'm tryin' to sell these. Hey, Vinny.

I'm trying to sell these watches. The problem is...

I'm trying to sell these watches 'cause I'm really a rapper.

That's my thing. I rap. Y'all like rap music? You probably don't like it.

You're a rapper? You probably ain't into rap music either.

I'm trying to get some equipment. You wanna buy a watch?

My heart is heavy with song. What?

I got a feeling called a blue-ue lonesome ♪ Oh, God.

Since my baby said good-bye ♪ Oh, no.

And Lord, I don't know ♪ ♪ what I'd do-o-o

All I do is sit and sigh-igh ♪ Hold on. What's up with... What're you, Puerto Ricans?

You black. Playin' Billy Ray Cyrus. What's up with this neighborhood?

Billy Ray who? Y'all wanna be white. That's the problem.

Playin' that... Whatever that is. What do you want to hear?

This guy is good. Where're you from?

Bed-Stuy. He doesn't know where he's from.

I was from Africa. But in case you didn't remember, they stole us from Africa.

Black man Fennili. I got a Bed-Stuy too.

I stole you from Africa? Can I give you back?

I couldn't have been unhappier... in the eight years I spent growing up in Brooklyn.

But I say that, uh... not having realized what it would then be like being on Long Island... which was infinitely worse.

And if there was probably a childhood trauma that I had... other than the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn... which if you think about it is a reason why some of us are imbued with a cynicism... that we never recovered from, obviously you're not a Mets fan... and you can't possibly be a Yankee fan.

So baseball's eliminated from your life... because of being born in Brooklyn.

You cared about the Dodgers as a kid? Very much.

I don't know why. I don't like baseball.

Of course, maybe I don't like baseball because the Dodgers aren't here anymore.

These days if you said the Dodgers, no one knows what you're talking about.

They think you're talking about Los Angeles. And I don't mean the Los Angeles Dodgers.

But, uh, Long Island was terrible.

Absolutely terrible.

I mean, at least Brooklyn you could walk around.

I'm from Brooklyn, man. Just relax.

You got some Brooklyn tune? Yeah.

Arriba.! Arriba.!

I told you, right? Hey!

Here you go. Yeah, man.

Smoke Sen-Sen ♪ ♪ Smoke, smoke

Smoke Sen-Sen ♪ ♪ Smoke, smoke

Smoke Sen-Sen ♪ ♪ Smoke, smoke

Smoke Sen-Sen ♪ ♪ Smoke, smoke

Let me hold it a second. Oh, you play?

Yeah, man. Sells watches. Plays.

That's right. Gotta hustle. Told you.



Check it, check it Check it out ♪ ♪ Come buy my watches

I got the clock ♪ ♪ I got the time I got the rhyme

Black man, black man ♪ ♪ You're outta your mind

Sittin' over here ♪ ♪ on your black behind

Sittin' in the chair ♪ ♪ White man over there

Stares at me ♪ ♪ without a care

I know you don't care but it's like... ♪ Oh, yo. Whatever, man.

My favorite thing about Brooklyn is... that every nationality in the world is in Brooklyn.

The least favorite thing is that all of these nationalities... we have not been able to get along.

There are 3,268,121...

There are 3,268,121... potholes in Brooklyn.

You know, I think a lot of people start smokin' because it's glamorized... like Hollywood and the movies, you know?

You see Marlon Brando, you see James Dean smokin' a cigarette.

Marlene Dietrich. That's how I started smoking. I started smokin' 'cause... when I was a boy, a teenager, I saw this great movie called A Walk in the Sun.

You ever see it? No.

Richard Conte, um...

Oh. Who was the other guy? I forget his name. Anyway... they're on the campaign in Europe, it's World War II and they're in the army.

Richard Conte's a machine gunner and he has his assistant who carries bullets and all that.

Or he carries the machine gun. As they're walkin' down the road on to the next battle...

Richard Conte would be philosophizing about life and he'd go, "Butt."

He never had any cigarettes, and his partner would always go... And give him a cigarette.

And somehow, the way Richard Conte would be walkin' in the sun... carryin' a machine gun and go, "Butt," it made me want to smoke.

I used to do it to my friends in the pool room. Yeah?

I go..."Butt." They go, "Get the fuck outta here. Butt."

Speakin' of movies, I was thinkin' too, this is unrelated... but I was watchin' TV the other night... and in Japan and there was some movie on.

Why is it in every movie there's a shootout... and when they run out of bullets, they like "click, click."

They fling the gun away like it's a disposable cigarette lighter.

What's up with that? Guns cost a lot of money. Can't you reload it?

You know what I'm saying? They always like... click. They throw the gun out.

That's a good point. Another thing in movies I think is really weird.

Like war movies. Nazis in movies?

Why do they always smoke in some weird way like this?

We have ways of making you talk, Auggie.

Stop! It's like the threat of... you know, burn torture.

Or it's like this.

Yeah. We know who you are. We have seen what you've done.

The fucked up thing is like you go to Hollywood now... they got us hooked on cigarettes, you know, this image of glamour.

You go out there now, you can't smoke anywhere.

You light up after a meal in a restaurant.

They come over. "I'm sorry, sir. Smoking's prohibited by law in restaurants."

What's up with that? They get you started, you know?

A butt. What happened to the one I just gave you?

I sent it home. They're cutting down on the butts at home.

A butt!

A match.

Thanks. Pays to have friends.

Yes, I'm smoking cigarettes and many of my friends have died of it.

On the other hand, while I am smoking cigarettes...

I am not downing a bottle of Scotch... in 15 minutes.

So looked at from that point of view, it's a health tool.

I can't remember the first time I had a cigarette.

I can remember the first time I had a thing... you would know 'cause you're from Brooklyn, called a punk.

Do you remember a punk? Punk was this long, green piece of wood.

It was a slim piece of wood, this big, dyed green... with God knows what caked on it... about three inches down all the way to the end.

You lit it and pretended to smoke it.

Of course you couldn't inhale it because it's solid wood.

And you'd walk around with it. It was called a punk.

Am I right? That I can remember.

When that turned into an actual Marlboro... uh, I honestly don't recall.

It's... It, along with most of my childhood memories, are not available to me.

My childhood was so unpleasant that I absolutely don't remember anything, I think... before, uh, age 31.

Tommy. Yeah.


Pete? Peter? Pete.

Pe-Peter Maloney? Peter Maloney!

Oh, my God! Oh, shit! Tommy! Tommy...

Come on. Facimimimi.

No. Uh, uh. Fennili. Fennili. Fuckin' who?

Fennili. Tommy Fennili.

You're Peter Maloney, Midwood High. Right.

Double A-plus in Algebra. Yeah.

You're the guy that wiped out the curve. How you been?

How you been? Good. Good. I'm good, yeah.

I went to Harvard. Got my B.A. At Harvard. Went to Yale.

Got a Ph.D. In the disciplinary studies, philosophy and biology.

Whoa. Yeah. So, what're you... This is your place?

Uh, yeah, it's my place. Yeah. Kinda. Still in the neighborhood?

Yeah. I love the neighborhood, you know? Hey, wow!

You mind if I sit down? Thanks. That's great. No, no, no. Sit down.

My glasses... represent probably the future of glasses... for a certain segment of the population.

I've approached, uh...

I went to the patent office first about my glasses, and that was because...

Let me explain what the glasses are.

The glasses only have lenses on top.

We basically go out and we, and we survey people at random.

And then we take their answers and funnel them into, into a philosophy basically... that'll help improve their life.

I have... Do you want to do a survey? Can I ask you some questions?

Who, me? 'Cause I have a quota... and you'd really be helping me out.

Right here? We can just... We can do it here.

S-Sure. Sure. I got nothin' to lose. Why not? Let's do it.

Do you believe in God, Tommy?

Yeah, I believe in God. Okay. Yeah.

Really? Well, don't you?

I think there's a god.

And I'm not it. Okay.

Is there anyone you hate enough to want dead, and if somebody said they'd kill that person... and the crime wouldn't be discovered, would you let them go ahead and do it?

L... That's a hard one. I don't want anybody dead.

This is Pete, Tom. You can tell me. All right.

Maybe, uh... Maybe one guy, okay? One guy.

There's always that one fuckin' guy, you know?

That one fucking asshole. One fuckin' guy.

One fuckin' guy. That's right. Okay.

Do you look at your bowel movements before you flush the toilet?

Oh, come on, Peter. Just humor me.

Look, come on. Is it... whoa, a foot-long floater.

You don't even want to say good-bye to it.

You give it a name, you know.

All right. Yeah, I look. Who doesn't look? You look, right?

Abso-fuckin'-lutely, I look.

I went to a space shuttle launch.

As the shuttle was taking off... I could put binoculars right in...

Straight through my frames because there's no lenses there.

The space scientists were all huddled around me.

"How can I get a pair of glasses like that? How can I get a pair of glasses like that?"

Because they're all standing there with those tacky little strings around their neck... with glasses hanging or they've got them on their bald heads.

Or I'll be in a restaurant, and when I go to read the menu I flip the lenses up.

And people come over and say, "How can I get a pair of glasses that do that?"

So I saw what my future was.

Th-That perhaps my future lay... uh, in eyeglass frame manufacturing.

Or being sponsored by a frame manufacturer.

And I was gonna call it "Lou's Views."

Are you satisfied with the size and shape of your penis? Oh, cripe!

Peter, come on. That's a personal question. That's a personal question.

These are not... No one's gonna know this is you. There's no name.

Who's gonna see this stuff? It just gets processed into a computer.

No. But who is? No. You're not satisfied?

What is it? Girth, no distance? Distance, no girth? No girth, no distance?

Between you and me? No, I'm... The length is good... the width is questionable, and I got a little... It curves a little to the left.

You got a curved one? You know, it leans a little bit.

A leaner. Okay. That counts in horseshoes.

How much money would it take for you to eat a bowl of shit, Tom?

Hey! I'm gonna tell you somethin'. That I won't do.

Every man's got his price, right, but not me. No, no. Not Tommy Fennili.

No. Me? Uh-uh. I don't eat shit. No shit for Tommy.

It's against my religion.

What religion is that, Tom?

The religion of sanity, Peter.

You should try it sometime.

I belonged. They excommunicated me. Let me tell you something.

In an insane society, the sane man must appear insane.

San... Okay.

"Insanity is the logic of an accurate mind..."

"Insanity is the logic of an accurate mind..."

"Insanity is the logic of an accurate mind..."

"Overtaxed." "Overtaxed"!

Oliver Wendell Holmes. Yeah, I heard that.

Goddamn it, Tommy! Goddamn it, thank you.

One thing that you do get here in Brooklyn... which I now know from having driven around the country and looked elsewhere for it... you get plastic bags stuck in trees.

And it really drives me nuts.

It's like a flag of chaos.

A bag in a tree. It's a symbol. It just...

And I used to see them and just... They would bug me.

And then one day I realized, you know, you could get it out of the tree.

So a friend and I made a long bag snagger.

For which we are currently applying for a patent, in fact... because no one ever made something to take bags out of trees.

And it works very well. It's a long aluminum pole.

And we can actually reach now almost, I would say, 50 plus feet.

It's fun. It's exercise. It's...

Holding a big pole up and stretching. We walk a fair amount.

And it definitely makes things nice, you know. Improves the tree.

This is your basic bag in a tree.

This can be recorded on film. We know that it existed.

And when you come back, it will be... only an image on film... because I will have taken it out.

Is this your mission in Brooklyn? I don't consider it a mission.

It's more like a hobby. Something to do with my friends. It's fun to do.

And it's very satisfying. It's also... It used to be I would see a bag like that... and just shrug and think, "Well, there's that bag."

And now I see a bag and I think, "You're comin' out, pal."

Once there was a major league baseball team in Brooklyn.

But that was a long time ago.

Jackie Robinson, Brooklyn's famed number 42... baseball's first Negro in the major leagues... continues to captivate fans nationwide with his daring play.

Boy, when they moved the Dodgers out of Brooklyn...

I don't believe there ever was a worse day.

Maybe when the war was declared.

But other than that, I don't think that Brooklyn ever experienced a worse day... than when they moved the Dodgers to California... and the wrecking ball hit Ebbets Field.

There was nothing like it. The stadium, the ball park... was like a little old country club.

The fans all knew each other, and the Dodgers' Symphony... was a group of workin' guys that went out... played the trombone, the trumpet, the drums and generally made fools out of themselves.

Everybody loved them and they didn't care.

The ballplayers all lived in Brooklyn!

They weren't all from Brooklyn, but they lived on Bedford Avenue... and they used to rent apartments right around the stadium, right around Ebbets Field.

Everybody knew 'em in the neighborhood. "Hey, Duke Snider!

Jackie! How're you?" You know, whatever. It was like a family thing.

Now, no more baseball in Brooklyn.

Hey, Auggie, it's a lot of money. I'd be crazy to turn it down.

After 19 years, you’re just gonna walk away?

I can't believe it.

It's dollars and cents.

The store's been losing money for years. You know it as well as I do.

But you've got plenty of money, Vin.

All those real estate deals out on the island.

I mean, you just write this place off on your taxes.

Too late. We're already in contract.

Hmph. So the Brooklyn Cigar Company... is gonna become a health food store?

Times change, Auggie.

Tobacco's out. Wheat germ's in.

You know, it may not be such a bad thing for you, either.

I mean, uh, maybe it's time you moved on too.

I don't wanna see you turn into an old man sitting behind that counter.

Everybody has to grow old.

What difference does it make where it happens?

No more free cigars, huh, Auggie?

You really should think this thing through before you... let it happen, Vincent.

I mean, sure. It's a dinky, little nothing neighborhood store.

But everybody comes in here.

I mean, not just the smokers. The kids come in, the school kids for their candy.

Old Mrs. McKinna comes in for her soap opera magazines.

Crazy Louie for his cough drops.

Frank Diaz for his El Deario.

Fat Mr. Chin for his crossword puzzles.

I mean, the whole neighborhood comes in here.

It's a hangout.

And it helps to keep the neighborhood together.

Twenty blocks from here...

12-year-old kids are shootin' each other for their sneakers.

I mean, you close this store and it's one more nail in the coffin.

You'll be helpin' to kill off this neighborhood.

You're trying to make me feel guilty. Is that what you're doin'?

No. I'm just givin'you the facts.

You can do what you want with them.

That Auggie, he's gonna drive me crazy.

Just when I get the deal together, he comes in playin' those fuckin' violins.

Brooklyn! Hmph.

Brooklyn. I'm supposed to care about Brooklyn.

I don't even live in this shit hole of a town anymore.

Hiya, Vinny.


In the flesh, sport.

Jackie, the greatest ballplayer of them all.

I used to pray for you every night when I was a kid.

I was the man that changed America, Vinny.

And I did it all right here, in Brooklyn.

Oh, they spat at me. Cursed me.

Made my life a never-ending hell.

And I wasn't allowed to fight back.

It takes its toll, being a martyr.

I died when I was 53 years old, Vinny.

Even younger than you are now.

But I was a hell of a ballplayer, wasn't I?

The best, Jackie. You were the best there was.

Things changed after me.

Not just for black people. For white people too.

After me, well, white people and black people... never looked at each other in the same old way anymore.

And it all happened right here, in Brooklyn.

Yeah, then they... moved the team away.

Almost broke my heart. What'd they do a dumb thing like that for?

Dollars and cents, Vinny.

Ebbets Field may be gone now... but what happened there lives on in the mind.

That's where it counts, Vinny. Mind over matter.

There are more important things in life than baseball.

But, Brooklyn looks good.

More or less the same it was the last time I saw it.

And Prospect Park over there.

Still as beautiful as ever.

Say, Vinny, they don't still make those Belgian waffles, do they?

Ah, man! What I wouldn't give to sink my teeth into a Belgian waffle!

Two scoops of pistachio ice cream, some bananas on top.

Hmph. Boy, do I miss those things.

Belgian waffles, sure. They still make 'em.

Just go down two blocks to the Cosmic Diner.

Jackie, they'll make you all the Belgian waffles you want.

Thanks, sport.

Don't mind if I do.

A day in Brooklyn just wouldn't be complete without stopping in for a Belgian waffle.

Would it?

Every day 7,999...

Every day 7,999...

Belgian waffles are eaten in the restaurants of Brooklyn.

The, the waffle culture in Belgium is, um, is complex.

Waffles generally are made in huge batches, and then they're eaten cold.

They're not a breakfast food. Uh, they're like cookies or something, or raisin bread.

They're that kind of food. You eat them with coffee in the afternoon.

The Belgian waffle as it's known here, with great piles of strawberries and whipped cream... is something that Belgians are never failed to be amazed by.

I think Belgians kind of like Belgian waffles.

But to them, Belgian waffles seem distinctly American.

They've got that big Hollywood overproduction to them, which Belgians...

It's kind of foreign to Belgians to overdo things quite in that way.

Cigarettes are sort of like a reminder of your mortality in a way.

Like each puff is like a passing moment, a passing thought.

You know, you smoke. Smoke disappears.

It reminds you that to live is also to die somehow.

I don't know, I'm gonna miss 'em. But anyway, last one is with you, Auggie.



It's out, man. Got a light?


Adios, amigo.

Adios, "cigarrettos".

L.S. Equals M.F.T.

Loose stomach means full toilet.

Or something like that.

When we were kids, that's what we used to say about Lucky Strikes.

Yeah, there it is.

What'd I tell you?

I love this too. "It's toasted."

Oh, boy.

They sure do take us for a ride, huh?

How's it taste? Tastes great.

There he goes.

Thirty seconds over Tokyo.

Bombs away.

Want a smoke? No, thanks. I quit.

Ebbets Field, "Shrine of Flatbush", will make way for apartment houses.

♫ "Auld Lang Syne"

The old ball park, standing for nearly half a century, comes to the end of the trail.

The stands where thousands once roared... await another kind of wrecking crew.

Home plate is dug up to find a niche... in the Baseball Hall of Fame at Cooperstown.

At the sad ceremony, Roy Campanella is surrounded by old Dodger players...

Tommy Holmes, Ralph Branca and Carl Erskine.

They watch stoically for the demolition of their old playground.

Now it's play ball'again... but not the sort Dodger fans cheer.

This time, Ebbets Field itself is struck out.

♫ "Himene Tatou" ♫ Performed by The Tahitian Chorus

Today is my birthday, and I'm 18 now.

That's so sweet. Nobody sung it to me yet.

Brooklyn will take care of me tonight, though.

If I go around my way and tell everybody today's my birthday, they'll celebrate.

You'll see fireworks, but they'll be gunshots.

And, um... people'll probably hit me with cakes and eggs and powder socks.

That's how they celebrate my birthday.

I don't get no cake and can eat it.

I have to get it smashed in my face, and beat with a powder sock for a surprise party.

Walk in my building 'cause somebody beat me with a sock, and hit me with a egg probably.

Y'all have a nice day.

You too. Happy birthday. All right. Thank you.

Ay, Augusto.!

You make me so horny!

You make my tripas tremble.

Ay, Augusto.!

You would be so wonderful... if only you were different.

That Auggie.

That Auggie, he gonna drive me cuckoo!

First he say "yes"... then he say "no."

Is "on" "off." Maybe some other time.

But Ramon, you see, he don't know some other time.

He's going to play at Freddie's on the sixteenth.

And now, Augusto say he's too busy on the sixteenth.


What gives around here, huh?

Is somebody deaf or something?

I talk myself blue in the face!

And still, it don't do no good.

Lock this door.

I want you to lock this. All right. What's with you, Dot?

I don't want to talk to you. I don't wanna say anything to you.

Um, if he comes to the door, don't let him in. Vinny?

Yeah. Where's the money? I know he keeps money around here. I count it...

I know he's got a secret stash besides what's in here, right? No, no.

I'm taking this too. What's the matter with you?

It's only today's receipts. What are you doing?

I'm taking the money. I told you before.

I'm going to Las Vegas by myself.

I asked him to go and he doesn't wanna go, so I'm going to go to Las Vegas.

Not only am I going there for a visit, but I'm going to go there... and I might just fucking live there, you know what I mean?

What happened? What happened? I told you what happened.

He's a fuckin' bore. I'm going to do something exciting.

I'm going to go to Las Vegas, and I'm going to wait to see Wayne Newton.

You know what I mean? Then when I see Wayne Newton...

I'm going to chase him down the street and I'm gonna mount him like Trigger.

I want out, and I wanna go have fun. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

And don't try to talk me out of it. Because the last time I tried to talk to you... you didn't have nothin' to say to me, I have nothin' to say to you.

I have nothing to say to him. And you're gonna tell him that for me.

Nothing about your life is boring, right?

You're just terribly excited about everything that you do?

You're terribly excited about everything. Everything's like A-okay, okeydoke, right?

I'm in a good place. Yeah. I don't think you're in a good place.

I've known ya for a long time. I don't think you're in a good place.

I say that as your friend. I don't think... I think you could be in a better place.

Like where? I don't know! I think you could be in a better place.

Like... I think you could be in a better place... like... Las Vegas is a better place.

Would you want to go with me?

What? I mean, I have money and everything.

I think you deserve to be loved very fucking well. I really do think that about you.

I know you don't have that and I could do that.

I, I could, um... I could do that.

Give me some of this. I could love you very well.

Would you go to Las Vegas with me?

Jesus, Dot.

Would you go to Las Vegas with me?

Will you come to Las Vegas with me, honey?

Dot, Jesus. What am I doing to my friend, Dot?

Everybody's got friends. You got enough friends.

This ain't right, Dot. No, no.

No, no. Dot, this ain't right. This ain't right.

Listen, I really care about you. I really care about you.

But this ain't right. It ain't right. This ain't right.

Listen, listen. Nothing's right. No, no, no.

Nothing in the whole fucking world is ever right. Do you know?

Things that are wrong are good! Yeah.

They could be good. They could be good. That's right.

I've always wanted to kiss you. But this is wrong.

I've always wanted to kiss you. Just let me kiss you.

I can't say I haven't wanted to kiss you either. Just let me kiss you.

I can't say... No, no, no. Dot.

Dot, I want you to stop it. I want you to stop it. Okay, fuck you. I'm going.


Oh, fuck me. Fuck.

What's going on? What's up?

What's going on? You see Dot go out? She was just here.

Yeah. Yeah?

What's going on? She didn't talk to me.

She seemed very upset.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Where'd you go?

Because I did not want you to come in. Do you understand that?

Do you speak English?

I don't wanna talk to you anyway.

You're not going anywhere.

Why? What do you mean, why? What the hell you talkin' about?

I'm going to Las Vegas. For what?

For what? To be in show business. To have excitement.

To do things besides watch you sit on the couch and watch fucking TV.

Be in show business? Well, around show business!

I'm not talking to him. Tell him I'm not gonna talk to him.

You want me to tell him? L... What?

Five times you want me to tell you? What did I do?

Tell him I'm not talking to him because he does not know how to communicate.

Communicating. Do you know what that means? Yeah. What's the matter?

What does it mean? Tell me what it means. Define it!

Talking to each other. Talking. But what comes after talking?

Do you have any fucking idea what comes after talking?

It starts with an "L." I'll give you a clue. It starts with an "L."

It's three syllables. You know what it is? Yeah.

What is it? Listening.

Yes! Thank you. You win the big fucking jackpot. I'm listening.

No, you don't know how to listen. I'm listening!

I told you what the problem is. Then why are you asking me again?

I'm listening. You're not listening!

What's the problem? The problem is that you never, ever listen!

I'm listening now! Tell me! You don't listen to me.

What am I doing?

You're listenin'. I'm listenin'.

You want a Belgian waffle, go to Belgium.

Don't go to the Dutch part, go to the French part.

And if I want a Boston egg cream, should I go to Boston?

I want to go to Las Vegas right now!

And I'm goin' with you, or I'm goin' without you.

Because I already have money. So are you goin' with me or not?

And I'm not even gonna ask you. Forget that I said that, because you already said no.

So I'm not gonna let you fucking tell me no one more time.

We're going to Vegas... right now!

We're going to... Right the fuck now.

We're going to Vegas, Auggie. Have a good time.

All right? Yeah, we're going to Vegas. We're really goin'? Okay.

Okay? Okay. Right now?

All right. We're not gonna have...

We're goin' to Vegas. Come on.

Auggie. See ya.


Are we really gonna go?


You stand right there, okay?

Okay. Here we go.

In the words of the famous poet...

Billy Shake-a-speare...

I quote you:

What are you doin'?

"To be or not to be?

That is the question."

Jimmy, lock the door. Put the closed sign on.

Well, Auggie... I am!

Okay? So that is that.

Come here, because I'm going to make love to you.

And I'm going to ride you like a big bull.

Ay.! What's this? Is this for me?

Oh, yeah, baby, this is mine.

This is mine, all mine, and only mine.

I cannot bear the thought of you being with another woman. It makes me crazy!

Never know how much ♪ ♪ I love you

Never know how much I care

When you put your arms ♪ ♪ around me

I get a fever ♪ ♪ that's so hard to bear

You give me fever Yeah

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight

Fever Ooh, in the morning

Fever all through the night


Fever Ay, yeah, Augusto.

Fever Ooh, in the morning

Fever all through the night

Daddy, don't you treat me right ♪ ♪ Pow, pow, pow


What a lovely way to burn ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah

Fever You like a Spanish women?

I'm glad you like a Spanish women, because I am Spanish woman.

Ay, ay, ay yeah


You give me fever

I can't get enough of you, Auggie!

Is this the Brooklyn Cigar Company?

In the flesh. What can I do you for?

I'm looking for a Mr. Augustus Ren.

Well, you found him, beautiful. Great.

I've never been to Brooklyn before. I wasn't sure I'd find you.

Well, Brooklyn's on the map. We've even got streets out here. Electricity too.

You don't say? Well?

Well what? I have a telegram for you.

Nobody's dead, I hope. A singing telegram.

This gets better and better.

You ready? Ready when you are.

Chee-chee chee-chee-chee ♪ ♪ chee-chee

The deal is off Stop

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

Not sellin' the store Stop

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

I'll see you next week Stop

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

Chee-chee chee-chee-chee ♪ ♪ chee-chee

I'm sending you love

Love, love

From Las Vegas

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom ♪ Ooh!

Dynamite, sweetheart.

Dynamite. I say that's worth at least a $5 tip.

Five dollars?

Thanks a lot, mister.

I'll finally be able to buy that hearing aid my mother always wanted.

Anytime you got some more good news, you know where to find me.

"The deal is off."

Ba-ba boom.

"Not selling the store. Stop. See you next week.

Love from Las Vegas." Ba-ba boom, Jimmy!

Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

We don't have to leave? No. We don't have to leave, Jimmy.

Keep sweepin'. Sweep all of Brooklyn, Jimmy.

Brooklyn is yours.

That's most of it, I think.

That's most of it, I think.

Who knows why all those crazy things happened.

I mean, maybe Vinny really did see a ghost.

And maybe Violet really was gonna rip my guts out.

Who could be sure of anything?

I love you!

What I do know is that the day after Vinny and Dot left for Las Vegas... the temperature in Brooklyn dropped below 90 for the first time in two weeks.

Wow. Well, what are you two lovebirds up to?

A hell of a lot!

Do you mind if I join in? Of course. Be my guest.

So I decided to throw a little party.

Things had pretty much returned to normal, and I was feeling good enough to wanna celebrate.

All right, Brooklyn, I'm gonna teach you a new dance.

It's called "The Brooklyn Cha-Cha." It's real simple, okay?

It goes like this, okay? Step, step, cross, open, back, back, cha-cha-cha.

It wasn't my fault that things got out of hand.

When 572 citizens of Brooklyn show up in the same spot... spirits are bound to run high.

To tell the truth, I wasn't around to see it all.

Violet and I had other business to attend to that night... and I sort of lost track of the time.

Nine months later, I was passing out cigars myself... free of charge.

It was a boy. We named him Jackie.

His first solid food was a Belgian waffle.

Baseball is a beautiful game. You can't blame it on 'em.

I'm not talking about the game. The point is...

I'm just saying personally, the way I feel about it.

I understand. But you don't see the beauty of the game?

Just forget it. Dennis, forget it.

Are you the chief? Yeah.

¿ El jefecito, eh? I got something for that thing, huh?

Huh? I got something for you.

What? Cuban cigars.

Yeah? I got some connection. I could do like that.

And you could... you could be okay, man.

What kind of cigars you got? He almost had me. He almost had me.

What're you talkin' about, okay? Come on, Auggie. Don't you see it?

This is serious business here, man. See? You hear that voice?

He was in here last year with the watches. What're you talkin' about, man?

You don't know me, man. I got connections. He was in here.

You got to be fucking kidding me. I can do that for you, man.

I got connections. I don't believe this.

Man, gimme a kiss. What'd I tell you?

You want a kiss, baby? Gimme a kiss.

Oh, man, another scam, huh? Always on the scam.

Were you serious about the cigars? No.

Oh! Oh, man. You got a hustle for everything.

What? Do you like it here? Were you lonely? Wh-What do you think?

You like it? You like me like this? You look good!

You like it? Nice.

¿ Te gusta? Who are you this week?

Valentino. Valentino, huh?

Valentino. The lover. The Latin lover! The lover! Like me.

Do you sit at home and think this stuff up?

No, actually I'm on my way. I got a 3:30 appointment.

I got a record contract that... might happen. Ooh!

Do you wanna buy a bridge? Very funny.

No, seriously, man, seriously. No, I'm very musical.

He's got the voice for it. He could, he could do it.

I got a record deal happenin'. I think he could do it.

Sure, man, you got a voice. You know, God bless Brooklyn to make me who I am today.

I'm glad you guys like the suit. I figured I'd try to pull one more scam on you before I go.

Pull a scam on the man! 'Cause, see. You understand. Like...

Where're you from? Me?

Yeah. Well, my family's from...

"My family!" Why do they always do that? Man, he's from Italy.

Where're you from? France? You French now? I'm proud to be...

I'm Puerto Rican all the way through. You're Puerto Rican.

I'm Puerto Rican, but... What's wrong with you guys, man? Jesus Christ!

Now, you're gonna tell me he's black! He's Italian. You're French and he's black.

What's up, brother? How you doin', black man?

You got a great rap, but you gotta follow this stuff up.

What's you talkin', follow it up? Look at the suit, baby!

No, no, the suit. All right, the clothes make the man.

But, you know, you gotta decide what you wanna do with your life.

You're gonna go out here, get another... Next week, he's gonna come back... he's gonna be selling used cars outside.

Next week I'm gonna have a record deal. You could have a record deal... but you gotta go for it, you know what I mean? Like this cigar?

I like the cigar. I took up smoking.

There's numerous possibilities for you. Right? You never know what life's about.

That's your problem. I don't think you're really realistic, black man.

I'm realistic. See, last time I was in here, you really pissed me off.

Hanging around these white people.

Now you gotJulio here acting like he's Francois! Please! Francois?

A buddy of mine... We were ten years old. All right?

We all dared this guy to go in and rip off this chicken joint.

It was owned by this German guy. And we thought this German guy, he's a real square.

He's a white guy. He lived in Harlem, right?

So we dared the kid to go in. The kid, he had balls, right?

He goes in, but the guy already locked up the night's receipts.

But he had a little cash in his pocket.

So the guy, he goes in, he hits the guy over the head with a bottle.

He gets his little cash out of the guy's pocket, leaves him on the floor for dead.

The guy lives, of course. Kid's ten years old. Goes home, all right?

His mother says, "Where'd you get this money?"

She goes in his room next morning to wake him up, the money's on the bureau.

"Where'd you get this money?" He's not gonna tell her where he got the money, okay?

She finds out the guy on the corner was robbed. She puts it together.

She takes the kid, drags him by his collar back into the store.

The guy is there. His head's bandaged. He's doing his day's business.

She says, "Did my son rob you?"

The guy looks at the kid. "Yeah, I think it was him.

But it's okay, he's ten years old, he's young. I don't care."

She says, "Well, he's yours. What do you want to do with him?

"You want to send him to jail? What do you want to do with him?

You want him to work for you? What, what do you want?"

So he gives the kid a job. The kid sweeps up the store like Jimmy, every day.

Then eventually he's washing dishes. Then eventually he's like cleaning tables.

I run into this guy, all right, ten years later.

I looked at him, I said, "What are you doin' with yourself?"

He says, "You know the chicken joint?" I said, "The chicken joint?

That was when you were ten years old!" He says, "I own the place."

The German guy died, left him the place... and the guy is making money hand over fist. So you never know, right?

That's your problem. I'm a black man, and I got to sell fried chicken.

That's your problem, man. I got to be selling chicken.

That ain't got nothing to do with my... That's not the point.

I'm trying to make it... The point is... out of something really horrible, something really great happened.

You got some watermelon too? Come on. That's not the point.

Okay, that was okay. That was... That could happen.

Relax, I'm jokin'! I got you. That's good. Thank you.

Hey. Black people got to stick together, black man.

I got a watch. Hey, I got one. Check it out.

Hey, what do you think about the suit? Hey, hey, hey. ¿ Te gusta?

Yeah, it's good. All right, baby.

Where's that $10 I gave you last time I saw you? Remember the $10?

You got a short memory. Remember the $10 I gave you? Yeah.

Whenever you can, you give it back to me, all right? Okay. Thanks a lot though.

He's got a heart. I bought some fried chicken with it.

I got some good news, I got some bad news.

The good news is that you're all here. The bad news is I'm gonna sing.

Well I was gonna join the army ♪ ♪ when you turned me down

But I was rejected ♪ ♪ so I headed for the river to drown

Well, I've reconsidered ♪ ♪ decided life shouldn't end

'Cause girls like you ♪ ♪ are a dime a dozen

And I got a nickel to spend Everybody. ♪ Girls like you are a dime a dozen

And I got a nickel to spend

Hey, don't you feel no pity ♪ ♪ I'm a-living in paradise

They say life's a piece of cake, ♪ ♪ hell I'm gonna get me a slice

Well, I see fine chicks all around me ♪ ♪ Yeah, I'm getting the urge

'Cause girls like you ♪ ♪ are a dime a dozen

And I got a nickel to splurge ♪ Ya-hoo!

Yeah, girls like you ♪ ♪ are a dime a dozen

And I got a nickel to splurge

Yeah, girls like you ♪ ♪ are a dime a dozen

And I got a nickel to splurge ♪ Brooklyn style now.

Yeah, girls like you ♪ ♪ are a dime a dozen

And I got a nickel to splurge

And I got a nickel to splurge

♫ "Home On The Range"

Why are you... Why are you still smoking? I'm not inhaling.

What does it do? Stand back, asshole.

You know, in case you get stuck up or something, you just pull the fish out.

♫ "Jing Jing" ♫ Performed by Shoukichi Kina

That's not food. That's sugar and... and shit.

You know what that causes? Diabetes.

Not to me, man. Oh, yeah?

No, 'cause I got sugar blockers.

Why can't we be friends

Why can't we be friends

Why can't we be friends

Why can't we be friends I'm sittin' out here readin' the paper...

To most people it looks like I'm not doin' a goddamn thing.

Havin' some coffee, right? Smokin' a cigar. Hangin' out with Auggie.

But... they look at me. They tip their hat.

"Good morning. How you doin'?"

They look at you. What do they see? They think you're a mugger.

Well, early in the mornin' ♪ ♪ Or even when it's late

I call my baby on the phone ♪ ♪ up in the 718

And I think about the way ♪ ♪ that she does love me

And I wish that ♪ ♪ she weren't so hot I talk on the phone a lot so people can't see that I'm black.

But I really believe that... I'm Sicilian.

No, no, it's good. It's good. You like it? Do you believe me?

I totally got it. I can't get my shoulders out of my frickin' ass here.

Put them all together ♪ ♪ we got the same attitude

Very necessary being rude ♪ ♪ That's the Brooklyn mood

It's the place where ♪ ♪ it's hard to shed a tear

People are filled with little care, ♪ ♪ any sympathy you won't find it here That's the same problem we had. 'Cause I'm a black man you don't think I can be Italian!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Wish I knew how to say

I had a friend. Man, he loved cigarettes so much... he used to like set his alarm clock for the middle of the night.

Like he'd go to sleep. He'd set it for four hours later, wake up, have a cigarette.

♫ "Bam Chikee Chikee Cham Chikee Chikee" ♫ Performed by Kishore Kumar

Butt me.

Last pack. Get your filthy hands off'em!

♫ "Egg Cream" ♫ Performed by Lou Reed

When I was a young man ♪ ♪ No bigger than this

A chocolate egg cream ♪ ♪ was not to be missed

Some U Bet's chocolate syrup ♪ ♪ seltzer water mix it with milk

You stir it up into a heady froth ♪ ♪ Tasty just like silk

You scream, I steam ♪ ♪ We all want egg cream

You scream, I steam ♪ ♪ We all want egg cream

So the next time ♪ ♪ you're in Brooklyn

Please say hello for me

At Totonno's for pizza and ice cream ♪ ♪ and at Al and Shirley's

But mostly you go ♪ ♪ to Becky's

Sit in the booth and you say hello, ♪ ♪ and have two chocolate egg creams

One to stay and one to go

You scream, I steam ♪ ♪ We all want egg cream

Ah, you scream, I steam ♪ ♪ We all want egg cream

♫ "Brooklyn Movements" ♫ Performed by Da Bush Babees

Yes, directly ♪ ♪ from the planet of Brooklyn

We have Bush Babees ♪ ♪ in the house

In your area ♪ ♪ Yes

Oh, one time for your mom ♪ ♪ Yes

Brooklyn's in the place ♪ ♪ Yes

Go take it to your face