Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland (2016) Script

Hi, I'm Alex.

I play football for the greatest college in the world, Blue Mountain State University.

We excel at three things here, science, social awareness and...

I'm kidding. It's a straight party school, no one goes to class here.

This is Sammy, he's my best friend.

That's Donnie, he likes to drink.

Harmon, he likes drugs.

Mary Jo, she's a cheerleader.

This is Larry.

Ah, what can we say about Larry? I don't know. We'll think about it.

That's our coach. He's legendary.

Oh, and this is Thad.

He was our team captain.

Great football player, terrible person.

He just graduated and I couldn't be happier, because this is my senior year.

Without question, this is going to be the greatest year of my life.

They call him the fifty million dollar man!

Last month was the NFL Draft where Thad Castle of Blue Mountain State was selected.

Number one overall, a pick that was widely regarded to be enormously risky.

Now is he the most naturally gifted linebacker we've seen since Lawrence Taylor?


Is he also the least naturally gifted when it comes to making decisions, off the field?

An even bigger yes.

I'm Dhani Jones here with Thad Castle to discuss his new fame and fortune.

Thad Castle, thanks for being here.

You're welcome for having me.

Thad, let's just get right into it, multi-million dollar contract.

Peanuts. Fifty million dollar signing bonus.


Are you calling fifty million dollars peanuts?

It's a good start, but honestly, I expected to be making billions.

With a "B"?


With a dollar sign.

Thad, what are you gonna do with all this money?

Probably just...

Make myself happy.

Like the other day, I was feeling so down. I almost cried.

I went out and bought 97 guns.

I love guns.

I got a pistol, a machine gun, a Call of Duty gun, a Halo gun.

And I got a tank.

I got this one gun that just shoots for 45 seconds, straight.

Oh, also, I bought a zoo.

I got wolves and giraffes, I got monkeys.

Mountain lions. Woah!

Saber tooth tigers. I mean, I figure what the hell?

If Matt Damon can buy a zoo, So can Thad Castle.

How do you like them apples?

I also got a dinosaur.

It's the, ah, the big monster one with horns growing out of its face.

A rhinoceros?


With the horn, a rhinoceros.

The dinosaur.


I got one.

Thad, talk to me about Alex Moran.

There's a lot of talk questioning his ability to lead the...

Mountain Goat team. Oh, ask me about my shoes.

Hey, well, tell me about your shoes.

They're called "Thadinators."

They're like Jordan's, but in mine, you can run higher and jump faster.

Isn't it a run faster and jump higher.

We're still working on our slogan.

So which company is making these shoes?

Uh, mine does...

Uh, Thad Company. Thad Company.

It's the same company that makes my hats, and waterproof shirts, and condoms.

And also the same company that makes this Hall of Fame jacket you haven't even asked me about yet.

Don't you think you should wait until you get to the Hall of Fame before you wear a jacket like that?

Oh, yeah. Don't you think you should wait, till you get in the Hall of Fame?

Waiting is for pussies.

Well, there you have it.

Thad, meet the world...

Hey sloots, say "hi" to the world.

Hey, world.

World, meet Thad Castle.

And we're out.

Somebody get my chopper!

Blue 16.

Blue 16.

Hey, O'Brien!

I'm pretty sure if that ball was an STD you would've caught it!

Sorry, coach.

Good throw. Thanks, coach.

Let us go home.

What? What'd you say? Hmm?

Another? You want me to throw another one? No.

I could throw another one. Second team, get second team in there.

Second team! Let's go, let's go!

Then all at once I was shot out into the light like a cannon ball.

Anyway, that's how I got my kicking shoe out of that elephant's asshole.

Somebody's got to talk to coach about these four-hour practices.

This is killing me.

No. We need them.

Season's right around the corner.

I gotta be honest with you guys. It doesn't matter how much extra practice we have, we aren't going to do well this year.

We're terrible.

Whoa, we're not gonna be that bad man.

We've got you and your arm, we've got my kicking leg and we've got Donnie's...


I wanna say muscles? That'll work.

But three people can't carry this team.

No. Right now is our time to party.

Right now.

It's just...

I mean look at Sammy.

He's been hammered since 10:00 am.

He's doing it right.

Hey, Sammy!

Hi, buddy, how you doing?

I got fucking hammered last night.

I don't know what he's saying right now.

Do you understand that? I don't know what he's saying.

He's so hammered.


You're doing it all wrong.

I know you're drunk but you're fucking it up for all of us.

It's not even me.

It's the fucking goddamn goat. He's a fucking asshole.

He's a goat. You're a human person.

There's no rivalry here.


What the fuck, he just bit me!

He did not just bite you.

Billy would never bite anyone...

Aw. Aw.

He did. He fucking bit me!

Yeah, fucking go pet him, you little piece of shit!

Okay, coach Summers, round them up.

Round them up, like, here?

Yes, right here! Round them up.

So he said, "At least it wasn't a reach around."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, okay.

Joke time's over. I need you guys to round up.

It's too weird.

I'm sorry, it's Coach Summers now.

And I need you guys to round up.

Hey, can I try your hat on?

I've always wanted to wear... No, don't take my hat!

Give me back...

All right, I'll give you your hat back. I need my playbook.

Give me that. Hey!

Quit screwing around! Round up!


You don't bone tag your coach!

All right now listen up.

You all know the cheerleaders.

They helped me prepare a little cheer.

Especially for you guys.

You ready?

♪ You suck, you suck ♪

♪ You suck today you suck ♪

♪ I wanna fucking kill you all for wasting all my time ♪

♪ It's the worst day of my life ♪

♪ since my father died ♪

♪ You suck, you suck ♪

♪ You suck and you suck ♪ Oh.

It's kind of catchy.

Great practice today, champ.

Oh, my God, I do not want to talk about practice.

Yeah, neither do I. I actually need some advice from you. And it's about a girl.

I've seen the girls you get with, Mary Jo.

I should be taking advice from you.

No, this one's different.

She's not some brainiac PHD like I usually go for.

Okay. She's dumb as rocks like you usually go for.

But she's so fun. It's...

Really nice.

Okay, well, my advice, you should bring her by the Goat House.

That's the advice from Alex Moran, king of BMS?

Yes. Bring her to a house?

Well, it's not just a house.

It's just a house. It's not just a house.

It's just a house. It worked on you, freshman year.


Maybe it worked on one smart girl.

It's like an aphrodisiac.

It's like oysters or money.

It's magical.

Fine. I'll bring her to the Goat House.

I don't know, maybe I'll finger her on the lawn or something.

Well, Sammy did just mow the lawn yesterday.

So... Okay, perfect.

Skin it here, Alex. All right.

Thanks, dude. Ugh!


What are you doing here?

It's a...

...drug I'm working on.

Figure if I am going to get into the family drug manufacturing business after I graduate, I really gotta...

Buckle down.

Yeah, yeah. Let me have a hit of that.


This isn't for everybody.

It's pretty intense.

Alex, what the hell are we doing here man?

I have some very important drinking to do.

The coach called a meeting, he said no booze.

And he's the boss.

That's right, Moran.

I am the boss.

This is Dean Oliviar.


Say again.



Anyway he's new here at BMS.

So, I want you to sit there.

And I want you to show him some respect.

And stop making that face.

What? This is just my face.

Well, sorry.

Anyway, Dean the floor is yours.

What is a dean?

Excellent question.

A dean is like a coach.

For the whole university.

You could say that I am the coach of your coach.

Excuse me are you saying cooch?

Coach, yeah.

That's a cooch.

Like a female.

Coach, coach.

"Coach." He's saying coach.

Oh, coach.

Yeah. Got it.

Way off on that one.

As your coach, I have a big problem with your behavior.

Twenty-five percent arrest rate.

Yeah! Drinking, drugs, indecent exposure.

What I find is a house full of drunkards, prostitutes, and imbeciles...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We are not prostitutes.


Mr. Moran.


I've heard a lot about you.

Hey, congrats, man. Thanks, guys.

The king of Blue Mountain State.

The king of Blue Mountain State.

I wouldn't say that.

Well I got news for you, Mr. Moran.

Your kingdom, has a new ruler.


I thought you were the cooch?

I heard that the first time.

You better makeup your mind.

I'm the coach.

But I'm going to be king just as soon as I storm your castle, Mr. Moran.

You're gonna bang Alex?


I'm not comfortable with that.

Why would you want to do that?

He's not banging anybody!

Now, shut up!

Yeah, uh...

What I mean to say, Saturday at midnight, Blue Mountain State, will seize this...

Goat House, and auction it to the highest bidder.


That you understand, don't you?

You can't take the Goat House.

Oh, I can.

I can.

This house of filth and lawlessness is no longer yours to rule.

Now if you'll excuse me.

I have other students that I need to coach.

Shit. Okay, all right.

Okay, okay.

Coach, coach, you can't let this happen.

Next year is my senior year.

If the team sucks, this house is all I have.

Well, then you better make sure that the team doesn't suck.

Just gonna have a beer, we're gonna have a beer and just relax.

Too much shit has happened here, we can't let it go.

I waited three years for this house to be mine.

Now I'm not letting some smug prick walk up in here and take it from me.

No. What we need is a plan.

Prostitutes. We'll become prostitutes, sell our bodies, make some money.

We're definitely not doing a hunger strike.

Oh, I'm having a brainstorm.

We kill the dean!


We kill the Dean's family and make it look like he did it.

That's a great one. No, guys.

We're not killing anybody, okay?

What we need is some quick cash.

Now let's think about this.

Who would be dumb enough to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy this house?

What the hell is this shit?

Did I not tell this prick chef, medium-rare well?

I heard you say it. You definitely told him.

And you call this bearnaise sauce?

I'm appalled right now!

Somebody tell that Chef I want a ham, with veal in it, and crab legs sticking out.

I'm paying $12,000 for it, so it better taste like $12,000!

Hey, Thad.

I was just won...

Yep, there it is. Okay, hi.

I'm Alex. What's your name? Seriously?

He's clean.



Balls. What?

Ah, what the...

Clean. Yeah.

I, uh, I just... Hey! Whoa, whoa!


Do you want me to put the...

Put it on.

Who is this guy?

This is Dick Dawg.

He's my security guy.

And my cousin.

And, um, like my butler sometimes.

That's Dawg with a "W-G" motherfucker.

Ah. Suck my dick, you bowtie-wearing piece of shit!



Oh, man. Nice work, Dick Dawg, write yourself a check. Fuck yeah!

You're wearing one too. You put this on me.

Yeah and he'll do it again, if I tell him to!

I could dress you in bow ties for the next thirty years if I want.

Don't think I got the money?

Read a newspaper.

Don't got a subscription to a newspaper?

I could buy you that too.

Reading is fundamentional, you giant bag of dicks.

Amazing! Write yourself another check.

All right.

I'm starting to see the family resemblance here.

Sit down before I friggin lose my mind!

Um, I guess, I'll just get to it then.



Fucking say it.

The Dean is selling the Goat House.

And I was just thinking that now that you're super rich, and famous that you could maybe you could buy the house and give it to me.

Hey, you wanna see something funny, Moran?

Watch this.

Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap...

It's so fun, you have to try it Moran.

Do you know what, I'm good thanks. Whap, whap, whap.

Fine. Suit yourself, God.

So, the Goat House then? Hmm?

Why would I buy the Goat House?

Because it used to be yours.

We had a lot of good times there, Thad!

We can't let the Dean take it away.

The past is the past, Moran.

I don't have time to think about BMS. Okay.

I've got better things to do now.

Bigger things.

Huge things.

Enormous things.

Gigantic things.

Infinity things.

Uh... Why did I not think of that?

Write me a check to myself.

Please, Thad, you're my only hope.

Okay, you really talked me into it, Moran.

So, here's what I'm willing to do.


I'm on a fucking roll right now.

What the...

You throw me this party?

The fuck!

And I'll help you out.


I came up with the idea when I was 10.

I wished for a party that was...

Bigger than any party the world had ever seen before.

A party full of wonder, and dreams, and titties!

A place where I could celebrate going pro and being a billionaire.

And I called that place...


I only have $50,000,000 so far, but it'll have to do.


Why can't you just throw this party yourself?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that would be tacky.

Here's your veal.

Stuffed ham with crab legs. Whoa!

Look, I, I...

I just don't think that this is gonna be possible.

Well, that's my offer.

Do it and I'll help you out.

Don't do it, and I won't.

Now get out!

I never want to see your handsome face in here again. Get out!

And where the hell are my meatballs?

This is insane!

I mean, it's doable but it's all pretty screwed up.

Is, is that a unicorn shitting a rainbow? Yeah.

That's not a horn coming out of its head, that's a dildo.

So it's a dildocorn.

But yes, it is shitting a rainbow.

Okay, guys look, I have been thinking a lot about this.

Throwing this party is not going to be that bad.

Thad and I were really started hitting it off before he left school last year.

I'm in. I'm doing this.


Screw it. I'm in too.

Gentlemen, before we get ahead of ourselves, I'd like to remind you, all the man we'd be inviting back into this house.

You are the very same man who viscously burned down a field of my weed, just so he could get God high.

I understand where you're coming from, Harmon.

Trust me, there is no other way to save the Goat House.

All right, you are the king. Huh?

So you're in? I'm in!

Yes! So, we're doing this.

All right, we are. All right.

Bring it in. Thadland on three, baby.

Let's go, baby.

One, two, three.


You guys have any clue what the hell is going on, on this last page here?

You think he wants to fly?

No. It's a metaphor. Yeah.

He wants to get so high it feels like he's flying.

No. He's a plane.

I had a dream the other night that I was a plane, and I crashed and burned.

But then I woke up and I realized that my bed was just on fire because I fell asleep with a lit cigarette.

Um, I'm sorry.

Where did you come from?


Oh, this is your friend!

Right, well, welcome to the Goat House!

It's magical.

Yeah. I can feel it.

Like, the magic.


And I like the magic here too.

Yeah, they just cut the grass.


Uh, so... We're...

We're throwing a party this weekend.

You should come.

I'll be there.

Oh, good.

Yeah, we'll be there.

Skin it.


All right. Oh! Ha!

Yeah, it's me.

Sammy, how do I look?

Wow, I love that suit. Yeah?

It looks just like the one Thad drew.

Hey, if he drew it, we're gonna make it happen.

I don't want to give him any reason not to buy us this house.

All right?

Guys, I'm beginning to think Thad's not coming.

Oh, he's coming.

I know it.

What the hell is that sound?

Is that a...

Is that a fucking hovercraft?

He's here! He's here!

Hey, Thad.

You're hand's on a $30,000 coat right now, Moran.

Hey, cool suit, ass wipe.


You're the one who told me wear... Never mind.

You remember the guys right?

Donnie. Hey, buddy.

Oh, Thad.

It's so great to see you, thanks for coming by here!

Who are you?


You know you used to call me Mascot, or houseboy!

I wore the goat suit! I'd go, "Go team, go." I was out there.

There was someone in that thing?

Hey, back off.

Oh, no, it's okay I'm just talking to my friend.

Oh, your friend?

I don't think he knows you man.


I don't know you.

I've never met you. I have.

I just don't remember you.

I don't think so.

I have met you, your face isn't ringing a bell.

I've never met you in my life bro.

Okay. Thad.

Are you ready?

I drew this thing when I was 10.

I've been waiting for...

Thirteen. Thirteen years.

I was gonna say that.

All right then, let's just step right up here.

Welcome to Thadland.


Fifty-four strains of marijuana?

Yep. And all the most expensive in the world.


United Nations of cocaine.

Purest strains from around the world.

Tested each one personally.

Just one rule about the cocaine room.

Guys, don't die.

Or do, who gives a shit. More coke for me!

Boobie bomb!


Yeah, baby!

Booze room.

Every kind of booze ever?

Yep, just pull a tap.


My ass is getting pounded tonight!

Hammered. Your ass is getting hammered.

Tomato, potato, bro beans.

Is the champagne from France?

Nope. California.

Good. Everything good comes from America.

France can suck my balls!

And here we have...

Mojito hot tub!


It's perfect, Moran!

Horny? Grab a sloot!

Thirsty? Grab a mojito!

I'm, I'm good thanks.

You haven't even seen the best part yet!

I wanna see.

Do you wanna see the best part? Yeah.

Let's go see the best part.

I can't believe I drew this.

I'm a frigging genius!

And your most genius invention is coming, my humble friend.

In Thadland, it always snows cocaine.

So? Thad?

What do you have to say?

What do I have to say?

Fuck you Walt Disney, you unimaginative piece of shit!

This is Thadland!

Hey, Thad, going to a butcher, ask your friends for opinions.

Like which of those sloots I'd bang?

That's it guys, get him the hell out of here.

Goat fans have spoken.

They want Marty Daniels out. And in other news...

Forget them.

You guys are gonna be fine this year.

Plus, you're not that old.

I lost my virginity the day Kennedy died.

One more, please.

Coming right up.

I think you're amazing.

I mean, with everything that you've been through, the lawsuits, and losing Thad Castle and Craig Shilo and Radon Randell and still winning.

We should be building your statue, not bitching about your age.

Would you like to take a ride on my motorcycle?

Ahhh. Mmm.


Oh, fuck me!


Hey! What's up?

Alex, so good to see you. You too.

This party is bonkers!

I just did a half hour in the bath-salt bubble room.

I bit like seven people!

Working it!

Congrats! Hey, come with me, I wanna show you around!

Okay. Oh, I wanna show you my nipples.

Oh, okay.


Locked and loaded, Sir.

Oh, sweet.

Hey, everybody!

Open your mouths!

Free drugs!

Ahhh! My face! Oh, God damn it. My face!

That's why we have medics!

Go see a medic!



Hey, welcome back.


I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on everything.

And we're really proud of you.

Oh, yeah!

What happened to you?

Oh, I hit a pothole.

I was riding my motorcycle.

And, everything's fine, I'm okay, everything's great.

Yeah! Yeah! Me too!

Never been better!

We should hangout sometime.

Definitely. We definitely gotta do that.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

Don't go. Don't go. I miss you.

What? Huh?

Oh, no. I thought I...

No. No. No. No. Hey uh... Oh, wait...

I... No, I thought you were gonna say something else.

No, no, no. Hey, have fun.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Keep training, you look good.

Oh, yeah. You look great too, coach.

Very handsome.

Hey, Thad. Hey, man. Hey, uh...

Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, we've got, we've got bit of a situation, dude.

Hit me!

What the hell was that?

You said, "Hit me."

What the... What? I'm sorry.

Okay, look, I don't know what was going on here, but we're running out of drugs.

The party's running out of drugs, man.

How the hell did that happen? I don't know. I don't know.

Free drugs!

It makes no sense to me, man.

Because thousands of people are here, okay?

I mean, half the cocaine was reserved for the carnivals.

But, I mean, that was reserved.

It's called the reserve for a reason.

We need that for the carnival snow.

Sorry, I'm talking so fast. I'm just really freaking out, we need that cocaine.

Well, go get Alex to get more drugs and fix it! God!

Hey, I already bought all the drugs east of the Mississippi, there's no more drugs to buy.

That's not true.

We've got drugs. Who are you?

What? I'm...

I'm the...


You know what? It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. What maters is, you need drugs, Harmon and I have some.

Real premium shit too.

Amazing. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

I don't think that's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You idiots go get free drugs, you'll be my best friends for life.

Well sorry, I can't. No, no, no. You know what? Done!

Consider it done. Yeah, yeah we got this. No, I'm not.

Thank you so much, we'll get this buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I trust this guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too, me too, me too.

I told you it's a bad idea, man.

How much more of this shit do we have to put up with?

What shit?

The titty-whapping, the groping.

I mean, sure, it's paying for my doctorate in applied physics, but I don't know if I can keep doing this.

You're in this for the money?

You gold digging bitch!

I love Thad.

I love him!

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

Why not silly bear? It's free booze.

I can think of a reason.

Whoops! Whoa, there it is! I know.

Whoa, there it is! I've got your wiener.

I know. Alex! Hi.

Hi. I just saw a woman deep throat a 40.

Really? Mmm-hmm, a full 40. You should go find her.

I am going to go find her and Sammy.

Have you seen Sammy?

No, he's not in the tub.

This is true. I'm gonna go find Sammy.

Bye. Bye.

Don't touch that. Why not?

Oh, this is awesome! How long has this been down here for?

Built it my freshman year.

It's nothing compared to my cousin Dennis' set up back home.

Holy shit, what is this, like steel or something?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't touch that.

Don't breath on it, don't even look at it.

My cousin Dennis blew up his trailer just by sneezing on a tank.

Oh, man, that means it must be powerful. Yes!

Thad is gonna love this then he's gonna remember my name!

Oh, yes!

Hey look at me. This isn't a typical drug, okay.

It's highly unstable.

Yeah, well, I'm highly unstable too, my friend.

That's why I brought Billy.

I figure, you know, test it on him first, see if he can handle it.

Animal testing, Sammy?

Once again, not a good idea.

You know what? It's fine.

Billy's a little fucking asshole.

So whatever happens to him, happens to him.

Oh, yeah. Look at his eyes.

Oh, he's loving this.

You like that, Billy?

Huh? "Oh, no. I can't handle my drugs."

"I can't handle my drugs."

There you go. Get your balloons here!

Hey, man, I really think we should have gone with a lower dose.

Dude, relax, okay? Billy's fine.

We're all good. Oh, shit, there's Thad.

Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad. Listen.

Uh, here's the drug I was telling you about.

This? Yeah, yeah.

Just suck on it, you'll love it.

This better be good.

Oh, it will be.

I'll devour your soul!

It's perfect.

Dick Dawg, write this guy a check.

Oh. No, no, no need for payment.

I, uh... All I need from you is, uh...

Fiendship. Just, you know, remember what my name and stuff.

How about a hot sloot instead?

Well, that'll work. Yeah. It's good.


Tina. Hey.

Tina, this is...


And, uh...

Sammy. This is Tina.

Uh, Tina, would you mind showing, uh...


Upstairs and showing him a good time?


Thank you so much. Thank you. Ahhh! Let's go!

Ahhh! Thank you so much, Thad!

I really appreciate. Thank you, Tina! You're the best!

Oh, lets go look at the pretty white pony with the golden horn.

Let's do that, huh?

Want one? No, thanks.

Hey, don't worry about her, okay? It's just a thing.

Just a thing? I invited her tonight to specifically turn her into a dyke.

And he can't keep his hands off her.

Dude, come on. You're not mad at him, you're mad at her.

She's taking Alex away from you.

This so reminds me of my dad.


He loved horses.

Oh, okay.

I don't know what you think is going on between me and Alex, but I like pussy.

No, no. I love pussy.

Yeah, I love pussy!

Woo-hoo! Woo!

Yeah, but before that you didn't.

And you were into Alex.

And you know what, I don't think you're gay.

You're college gay.

Which is totally different.

You're just killing time with women.

Okay, now I am offended. Yeah.

You are offending me right now.

What makes you think you know the first thing about my gayness?

Well. I'm gay.


Since when? Since forever.

I just never say anything about it because no one ever asks. But yeah...

I'm gay.

No way. Awesome.

Thad. Thad, it's not a big deal, okay?

It's a personal thing and I'd really appreciate if we could keep it that way.

Donnie, absolutely.

Totally agree. Thank you.

Hey, Everybody!

Donnie's gay!

Hey. Seriously, man. Congratulations, dude.

You're gonna get so much dick.

Hey, Harmon. Donnie's a gay guy!

I know that.

Again, Thad, it's never been a big deal.

Let's keep it that way. Okay?

How's this for not a big deal?

I'm gonna buy you a car, you brave bastard.

Dick Dawg, write this gay guy a check!

Fuck yeah!

It's for the whole gay thing, man.


I'm gonna shove so many things up your ass.

Let me put it to you this way, you can drive a fucking Cadillac up there, just as long as I get to have sex with you after.

Wow. Um...

There's the pool stick downstairs, I could try it.

Uh, yeah. That sounds great.

Why don't you give me another hit and then run that cute little butt of yours downstairs and grab it. Okay?



I'll be right back.

Oh, yes. Go!

Tina, I love you.

Sammy, we're gonna need more balloons.

You're right, people are going nuts for...


Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Thad, thank you so much for this opportunity.

Leave the lot to me.

Thank you so much.


Tina, is that you?

Okay, well, I hear walking, I wanna hear some running, okay?

Get over here, Tina.


Uh, all right.

All right.

Oh! Wow! Wow!

That felt very nice.

You are a dirty girl, Tina. Dirty girl.

Oh, go easy...

Go easy...


Nice and slow.

All right, finish it up so I can have sex with you, okay?

Sammy! I'm ready if you are!


Billy! Bad Billy!

That's a bad goat.

Bad goat, Billy!

Bad goat, Billy! Bad goat!

Hey, everybody! Listen up.

I have a very important announcement to make.

Donnie Schrab is gay!

Not a big deal everybody.

So you know, I don't know, buy him a drink...

Or if you're a guy, suck his dick or whatever.

But it's great.

Let's party!

Hey, are you feeling a little overshadowed by all this?

I mean, a cheerleader comes out as gay and no one bats an eye.

But when a football player does, suddenly he's the hero?

Mary Jo, wait!

Do you have any blueberry waffles because I'm super-duper starving right now.

Is that a yes?

Mary Jo! Ah...

Oh, shit. The auction!

Where did he...

Thad! Billy!


Oh, hey, Sammy, Sammy.

Have you seen Billy? Nope. I have not seen Billy.

And those balloons, not good.

Yeah I told you that. You okay?

Me? Totally fine.

Never been better, never been better.

There we go. Oh, there we go.

Officer. We're going to shut this party down.

I'm sorry, Dean, mate. I can't let you in.

Thad Castle and Alex Moran made a very significant donation to our benevolent fund.

They specifically asked that we not let you into the house.

Fine! They want to play like that?

We sell this house right here, right now!

Auctioneer, bidders, right now.




Round and round he goes!

Where he stops nobody knows!

Okay, Barbara, you have to take a Jell-O shot and make out with Jeanine for five seconds.


Oh, my god!

Oh, my God! Thad!

Okay. Thad, it's midnight, okay?

The auction is happening right now.

We need to go. Uh...

We're playing spin the Thad-dle, page twenty-one of the book. I know what it is!

I'm the one who set it up for you, like I said I would. Okay, great!

So you know how important this is to me.

Spin me!


Thad, saving the Goat House is the whole reason I agreed to throw this party Oh, my gosh! in the first place. I can't take this anymore.

We don't have time for this, Moran!

Debbie, do a line of coke off Nancy's knockers and...

Spin me! No, no, no.

Don't spin, don't spin.


Never stop spinning me!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.

We're putting up for auction this piece of real estate.

We'll start the bidding at $150,000.

Do I hear $150,000?

One-fifty right here. Looking for 175, 175.

Do I hear 200? Do I hear two?


Your reign here is over, Mr. Moran.

It's best to step away gracefully.

We have 240 right here. Looking for 250.

240,000 going once...


240,000 going twice...

Three million!

Son, the current bid is $240,000.


Maybe you should make it three and a half million dollars.

Okay, $3.5 million going once...

Four million dollars!

Thad, you don't have to outbid yourself.

Five million dollars! Oh, my God.

Fine, $5,000,000 going once, $5,000,000 going twice.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, nice try.

I'd have to be a real idiot to pay more than $5,000,000 for this piece of shit house.

Sold for $5,000,000.

To the oiled up man in the white, furry slippers.

Woo-hoo! They cannot do that!

They can't do this. He bid for it fair and square.

Oh, sorry, Deany.

This castle is very well protected.

Officer, would you escort the Dean off of my property, please.

You don't know who you're messing with, Moran.

All right, let's go. I will bring the thunder!

And you, Daniels!

Daniels! I come for you next!

I know what really happened.

You're a drunk!

All right. Everybody back inside.

Let's party!

Oh, my God!

I did it!

Oh! I finally got my Goat House back!

What did you just say?


Oh, thank you.

You really helped me out here, man.

I got my Goat House back.

Your house?



This has never been about me, has it?

It's always been about you.

Alex Moran this. Alex Moran that.

Well, guess what, Moran, newsflash.


Dick Dawg.

Escort this selfish jerk off my property.

What? Then write yourself a check.

Fuck yeah!

Hey, Thad! You can't do this.

You can't kick me out of my own house.

It's not your house anymore, cock tease!

All right!

First one to bring me a mojito wins a whap session in the ham sandwich room!

Hey, man, balloon? Thank you.

I invited you here, you said yes, so why aren't we hanging out?

Wait, I'm confused.

Do you or do you not have blueberry waffles because I'm starving.

Hey! No.

What? Get out of here.

No. You're not invited into this conversation.

Okay. I think I get why you're pissed at me, but Holly is not gay.

And you can't turn her gay.

Is that right? Yeah, that's right.

Did you know you can eat bark?

Whoa! Your tongue is bonkers.

All right.

All right.

Okay. There it is.

Alex, your lips are sick.

Thank you.


Your tongue really is bonkers.

Why didn't I remember...

Why didn't you remember what?

Holy shitballs.

Are you guys...

Fuck a duck.



Why didn't we ever talk about it?

We hooked up, it was good and then...

I... I liked you.

But you said that you were gay.

I was a sophomore.

That's what sophomore girls do.

Freshman year we're drunk and slutty.

Sophomore year we experiment with our sexuality.

Junior year we start caring about school, and senior year anything goes.

It's called the college experience.

This is my last year of college.

And I can't...

I can't have a girlfriend.

And you shouldn't.

But if you do...

It should be me.

Oh, my God.

Are we all gonna do it?

What is going on here?

I think they're trying to fuck.

So... What's going on here?

I think these guys are trying to fuck and those guys are talking about it.

Beer's inside?


Get your ass in here, houseboy!


I need more olives for my martini, god damn it!


He can't hear you.

Why not?

You're looking at 15 years in the future.

You're serious?

Fifteen years in the future Thad is living in the Goat House?

Oh, no, he never left.

You know, uh, Thadland became Thad World and, uh, he's been here ever since.


And you're living with him?

Me? Oh, no, no, no.

I am long gone. Long gone.

I, uh, I died at Thadland.

Fell off the ferris wheel jerking off.

You died? Houseboy!

Wait, then who's houseboy?

Sorry, bro-beans. I was polishing your trophies.

Also, your car is washed, your laundry's done, and your chrome pocket pussy is all buffed up and ready to go.

No way.

Yeah. Yeah, and you're fat, too. What?

No, no, no. No way that is happening.

You made this happen. You should be pumped!

I mean, yes, you sacrificed everything that was good in your life along the way but you got your Goat House and you and Thad are happy living here.

What, what about, what about Mary Jo?

She, uh, she couldn't wait around.

I'm real sorry I got in the way of your sneeze there, boss.

That's bullshit.

No. You want to know what's bullshit?

Toilet duty in heaven.

Jesus says if I don't clean the toilets by 6:00, he's gonna give me a spanking.

Jesus spanks you?

Well, it's more like a tickling thing, but either way I just don't like it.

See you around, pal.

Houseboy, my hemorrhoid needs cleaning!

Wait, Sammy!

We got to fix this.

You're on your own.

I don't want to get spanked.


Coming, Jesus!

Sammy! Sammy!

What the fuck?


Mary Jo?


Hey! Yes!

Thank you so much for stopping.


Ooh! Alex Moran.

What the hell are you doing out here, man?

You look nuts.

It's a long story, man.

Where are we? I gotta get back to the Goat House.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's where I'm going!

Hop in, man. To Thadland!

I can't believe you guys didn't invite me!

Thadland? Mmm-hmm.

That was last night. It's over.

Oh, no, no, no.

I've been seeing the commercials all weekend long.

Commercials? Biggest, baddest party of all time.

They've got games and rides and a contest for the best abs.

Now let me ask you.

Who's taking home that prize?

Uh... Go ahead.

Touch it.

I'd rather not.

No, no, no. No, I'm good.

They're just amazing abs. They're not gonna bite you.

Wait, what day is it today?

It's Monday.

No fucking way.

Do you like fun?

Do you like excitement?

Well, we... Well, then come on down to Thadland!

We've got lots of that kind of stuff!


I'm Thad Castle!

And whether it's bouncing with sloots...


Or sweet beach on a ferris wheel.

It even snows cocaine here!

Here's fun facts about Thadland.

It was created three days ago.

Our only currency is checks.

And we're open 23/7, nine days a week, 385 days a year.

So round up your bro-beans and come on down to the place where the fun never ends!

Fuck you, Walt Disney!

This is Thadland!

This is disgusting.

What happened to the party?

It's right here?

Hey, ladies.

Check out these abs.

This fucking tastes so bad.



Holy shit, man.

You know, people think that you're fucking dead.

I'm not dead. I'm right here.

What is going on here?


It's been going on for quite some time.

You know, these fucking crazy guys, are so much fun, it's amazing.

God, this is all my fault.

Yeah. Oh, shit, man.

Do you want some food? I feel weird.

Do you want some? No, I...

Is that?

Yeah, things got a little weird between Billy and I.

You know, uh, he bit me, so uh, I'm biting him.

Jesus, Sammy.

This, this has to end. Where's Thad?

I haven't seen Thad in a little while.

But get this.

Just yesterday, he almost remembered my name.

Oh, good. He called me, "Biscuit."

Which, you know, to me is pretty close.

You know, cause it's like...

Sam-my! I know, it's...

Bis-cuit! It's not really that close at all.

If you think about it, and you sound it out.

Biscuit's like tomato.

I'm gonna go find Thad. You just enjoy it.


What the fuck.



Hey! Radon, stop the ride!

It's just that, all it would take is one of you to show me respect as a coach and not just your friend and everyone else would be on board.

No. It's not like that, dude. We respect you.

Really? Hey, Coach Summers, fuck you!

Not cool, man! Donnie!

I'm so glad I found you.

Yeah, Thad, what's with the bracelets?

You don't like them?

It's just I asked you not to make a big deal out of this and instead you manufactured thousands of bracelets and handed them out to everyone here.

You're welcome, bro-beans.

Hey, Thad. Congrats on all your success.

Dick Dawg!

Dick Dawg, get over here.

I got something you're gonna love. Watch.

Watch where you're stepping, dude.

Go ahead. Open it.

I think I can tell what it is, Thad.

Open it!

Open it!

Yeah. Yeah!

I bought you a guy.

I can see that.

Go ahead. Whap his dick around.

Whap, whap.

I'd rather not, Thad.

What's the matter, you don't like him?

No. I do, he, he's great.

He's already paid for. Whap him.

Look, I'll do it. Watch.

Whap. Whap, whap, whap.

Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap.

Whap it. I'll leave you two alone.

You're welcome, bro-beans.

Dick Dawg! Have fun, man.

Sorry about them.

I'm Frank. I'm Donnie.

I'm gonna go.

Coach Daniels!

So glad you could make it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what the hell is this all about?

Just a friendly little gathering where I reveal to the world the kind of person you really are.

I'm sorry.

Like when they steal my hat and then laugh at me, it hurts.

You know, I put on a brave face, but I'm a real human being.

Human beings means people.

Exactly. And like...

Larry, I need you.

Alex, come play with me in the bath tub.

Maybe another time.

Larry, I need your help right now.

I need you to round up the whole team and meet me out front, okay?

Very funny. Come on, man.

I'm serious, Larry.

Coach Summers. This party is over.

Round 'em up.

Don't do this, Moran.

We need you right now, coach.

Round up this team right now.

Man, I... Round 'em up!

No. Round 'em up, Coach Summers!

Not you too. Round 'em up!

Not you too. Round 'em up!

Round 'em up!

Get out of there!

Get of there, Coach Summers! Yeah!

I'll see you out front.

Mountain goats... Round up!

Check out this guy.

He's been asleep for, like, two hours.

I can't wake him up.

Holly, where is Mary Jo?

She's with Chad. Who?

Chad. You know, like Chadland?

Right over there.


To the stables!

Holy shit!



I just want to say that in spite of all the rumors, I was not drunk when I crashed my motorcycle.

And furthermore...

You know what?

That was a lie.

I was drunk.

In fact, I'm a little drunk right now.

I was hammered when I crashed my motorcycle, and I was just about to have an enchanted moment with this girl, who happens to be a very wonderful person.

So, you can all go fuck yourselves.

And go Goats.

Well, alrighty then.

Let's open it up for questions, shall we?

Coach! Coach! Julia King from CAN.

What can you tell us about your feelings on Thadland?

Have you been?

And can you comment on Thad Castle's open bashing of the late Walt Disney?

He's called him, and I quote, "A short, anti-Semite...

"with less imagination in his whole

"Jew-hating body than I have in the tip of my pee-hole."

He said "pee-hole?"

He did. Well, you know, I don't think any of those allegations were proven to be true.

So I don't want to comment on Mr...

What about the drug use at Thadland?

Why does Thad Castle hate the French?

That's the question you idiots have?


Ask him about the drinking.

Ask him about the driving.

The accident with the little chick.

Ask him some of this stuff. What?


Oh, yeah, this is great.

Can wear you all the way to...


Alex! Holy shit, what's up, buddy?

I really need your help.

I need you to sneak me back into the Goat House.


Oh, my God, that's right, 'cause you're banished!

Hey, everybody, Alex is back!

Whoo! We gotta keep it down though.

We gotta keep it down.

But I can help you out. Follow me.

Follow me, pal.

You're not gonna believe this.

I fucking, I ate basically the whole goat.

Did you boil it? Oh, yeah.

Thad is pissed at you.

He's declared your name a swear word.

Actually it's pretty cool if you ask me.

Why is that cool?

At least he knows your name.

Harmon, you got a visitor, buddy.

Alex, you're alive.

I thought you were dead or something.

I almost was, thanks to your balloons.

This drug affects different people in different ways.

Me, I grew up on the stuff.

It was like formula to me when I was a baby.

What is it?

Don't ask yourself a question that you don't want the answer to.

Just go on back up to the party and enjoy yourself.

Harmon. What is in your balloons?

It's shit.

It's not shit...

It's jenkum.

Okay, what the fuck is jenkum?

Shit. It's not...

He said shit again. Shit.

It's poop fumes and pee fumes.

It's very popular in the south.

See, what I've done here is I've rerouted these sewer pipes into this steel tank.

And then whenever anyone uses the facilities, it collects here where it's allowed to ferment at a very high temperature.

Then it's simply a matter of filling these balloons with the fermented fumes, et voila.

This stuff will knock you straight on your ass.

Which is ironic considering that's where it all started in the first place.

Please tell me you're kidding. No.

We've been down here for days messing around with different temperatures, more poop, less pee, more pee, less poop...

No, no, no.

This experiment ends right now.

I lost two days of my life to this shit!

And dignity. Stop huffing that!

Jesus Christ!

Shut it down, Harmon.

No, no, no, what about Thad? Forget Thad!

This is my house.

And I'm your captain.

Now shut it down, Harmon.

Shut it down.

Consider it done, Captain.

Have you seen Thad?

Thad's upstairs.

Are you an assassin?


You can't kill me.

I'm not killable.

I'm not here to kill you.

I'm here to tell you that this party is over.

Guys, I have no time to explain.

You don't want to be sucking on those balloons.

Trust me.

What balloons?

These balloons?

Please stop.

Thad, stop doing that.

Thad, stop!

Thank you.

Hey, hey.

Don't let him do that.

What do you care?

You got what you wanted.

The house is safe.

I do care, all right?

And I don't know if what happened between us was real or not, but I meant every word I said to you.

Then prove it.



This is about me! Not you a-holes!

Okay, let's talk about you.

How about we start with what the hell is going on.

You were a number one draft pick in the NFL.

Why aren't you at practice?

And what do you even want with my house?

Let's not do this again, Senor.

Officer, I carry in my possession information which may interest you and your tiny little benevolent fund.

I didn't catch any of that.

Look at the papers!

I need all available units to Blue Mountain State Campus. All available units.

There goes the department booze cruise.


Thad, we were teammates for three years.

You've got to trust me. What is happening?

This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm not the super smart Alan Einstein that everyone thinks I am.

No. Don't say that.

If I told you the truth, you'd think I was the biggest idiot.


I'm not going pro.


Wait, I saw the draft, Thad.

We all saw the draft.

Now you're mad at me. I knew you'd get mad at me.

I'm not mad at you. Yes, you are.

The draft was real, and the contract was real, but then, I bought a zoo...

And I was messing around with that big animal with the horn growing out of its face.

A rhinoceros?


And the stupid thing stabbed me with his stupid horn.

My coach found out and they canceled my contract.

No, no, no, stop stop stop!


How long have you known about this?

Since the day before you and I met at that restaurant.


So this, this book...

This, this, this dream, it was all a lie?

I drew that the night before I gave it to you.

I imagined a party in my honor.

A place that was safe and warm and I'd never ever ever ever leave.

You motherfucker!

What the...

Holy shit!

Actually, that's a lie too.

I didn't draw those pictures.

I traced them.

So you knew your contract was void?

How did you pay for all this?


But they weren't real. I just ordered them online.

You have no money?

Who else knows about this?

Just me and Dick Dawg and the Dean.

Olivares knows about this? How does he know?

Dick Dawg told him.

Why would he do that, Thad?

Because I told him to.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you gonna help me? I'm in real deep shit.

I started my own sneaker line, for Christ sake.

I made my own Hall of Fame jacket.

I can't face them.

I'd rather be dead.

Is that what this is all about?


This drawing. Tracing.

Tracing in your book.

It's you?

In heaven.

No. No way. Yes.

Absolutely not. Yes.

No, I'm not doing it. No. Yes, you have to!

I'm not doing it. That's the deal! You have to help me!

I bought you this house!

Technically you didn't!

But goddammit!




If I help you out of this... Yes?

All debts are paid. I owe you nothing.


All right. Shit!

I got a plan.


I'm gonna need Dick Dawg.

Shit! Goddamn it!




Jesus Christ! If it isn't the guy I don't remember.

Oh, God, why are you naked?

Wait, what's on your head?

Oh, I'm wearing the last guy who tried to mess with me.

What the fuck do you think you're doing down here in my lab, pal?

None of your business, pal.

None of my fucking business?

Well, down here...

This is fucking Sammy's world, pal.

Who is Sammy?

It's me! I'm Sammy!

You listen to me, and you listen to me good... you touch another valve on my fucking jug right here, you're fucking going down, buddy.

Oh, no, no. Wait wait. Is that? Yeah.

Ok, um. You don't wanna? Don't you...

You don't wanna... Eh, no...

Oh, I shouldn't... Hey, I swear...

If I were you... If I were to do that?

Oh, wow!

Whoo! I don't know if that was such a good idea.

Oh, God, I really don't wanna fight you, okay, man?

So, the plan...

What do I do again? Oh, my God!

This is the police, open up!

Whoa! God! Whoa!

Shots fired!

Oh, God! Oh!

Christ, you keep that thing loaded?

Why would I have an unloaded gun?


Oh, yeah!


Ahhh! Hey!

Oh, right in the eyes. Look, we really don't have time to fight right now.

Oh, okay, yeah, you don't wanna fucking fight this?


Oh, gosh!


You're showing a tremendous amount of heart right now.

I admire your tenacity, I really do.

But, every pipe in this place is about to explode.

You need to just give up already, all right?

Get outta here. Jesus!

Okay, okay. How's this for a fucking explosion?

Get your dick off my back!

Get your back off my dick!

What the fuck was that?

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Oh, what the fuck, man! Holy shit!

Are you sure you wanna go through with this?

It's the only way!

Make sure you tell people my story.

I don't think that'll be a problem!

Let's go!

Oh! Get off me.

What's happening?

Hey, you gotta get outta here, man, right now.

I don't wanna die fighting a naked guy. Come on!


All right, truce. Hey, you fight like a goddamn champion.

Oh, shoot, look at that. Shit!


Get back!

Holy shit.

The lab.

The beer.

Alex, your house.

It was just a house.

I did it! I did it! I win! I am the coach!

The house is gone!

It's okay, captain. I got this one.

Dean Olivares, you need some air. Here. Deep breaths.

Got it? Everything?

Julia King?

Thank you, good man.

My pleasure. Good day to you, Sir.

Hello, there. Hi.

Could you tell us about what happened here today?


Baby and baby...

Hey, baby. Hey, baby.

Hey, Wait. Where's Thad?

He, uh, he didn't make it.

So sad!

At least he went out the way he wanted to.

Partying like a mother fucker, ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Blaze of glory.

The man was a hero.

He was a legend.

To Thad!

To Thad!

Then why can't I taste any?

You telling me there's lime in this, I can't taste a goddamn ounce of it!

Now get back there!

You go back there and you tell that bartender, I need lime in all my mojitos!

Go! Run!

Oh, wait. Wait, never mind!

I can taste the lime now!

It was hidden under all the mint!

Come back, I can taste it!


Sammy, wake up. Come on, man. Come back to me.

Sammy, come on, buddy. Wake up!

Dick Dawg?

It's me, pal. Yeah, you're gonna be okay.

Were you saying my name before?

What? No. No. Nope.

You did. You said Sammy.

Whatever you say, Chief.

No. Sammy.

You said Sammy. You're okay, sport. All right?

Just lay back down, bucko.

Say Sammy. Say Sammy. Shh!

You said Sammy. I fucking heard you.

You're gonna be okay, Tiger.


Sammy. I'm not actually saying it.

You said Sammy! That's just you moving my lips.

Dick Dawg, say it, you fucking piece of shit.

You inhaled a little too much shit fumes.

You fucking asshole!