Bo Burnham: what. (2013) Script

Bo. What?

I bet you can't do this.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And on his farm, he had a pig ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ With a here ♪

♪ And a there ♪

♪ And Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

This is Bo Burnham.

He's 22 years old.

He's a male.

And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen DeGeneres.

He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples.

He's isolated himself over the last five years in pursuit of comedy and, in doing so, has lost touch with reality.

You're an asshole, Bo.

You hear me?

You think you know better than me.

You think you know better than everybody.

You will die alone.

And you will deserve it.

But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours.

See if that helps.

♪ ♪

♪ You used to do comedy ♪

♪ When you felt like being funny ♪

♪ But now you're contractually obligated ♪

♪ So dance, you fucking monkey ♪

♪ Dance, monkey, dance ♪

♪ Welcome to the show ♪

♪ This is Bo, this is his show ♪

♪ And Bo wants to dance like this ♪

♪ Welcome to the show ♪

♪ This is Bo, this is his show ♪

♪ And Bo takes off his pants like this ♪

♪ Play an invisible drum ♪

♪ Play an invisible trumpet, trumpet sound ♪

♪ Drink some invisible water ♪

♪ Oh, shit, that water's real ♪

♪ Bo wants to make you feel comfortable ♪

♪ Bo wants to make you feel comfortable ♪

♪ Random voice ♪

♪ Bo wants to make you feel comfortable ♪

♪ So sit back, relax ♪

♪ And enjoy a healthy dose ♪

♪ Of prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪

♪ Lick your lips to make it more comforting ♪

♪ Do you want to see a magic trick? ♪

♪ Do you want to see a magic trick? ♪

♪ Do you want to see a magic trick? ♪

♪ Then pick a card, any card ♪ Psych.

♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪

♪ Read a book ♪

♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪

♪ Read a book ♪

♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪

♪ Read a book ♪

♪ Magic isn't real ♪

♪ Or is it? ♪ And at that moment, Bo's 20-year-old cynicism melted into childlike wonder.

He never knew there could be so much magic in the world.

It's a world of possibilities, Bo.

What do you want to do first?

Run?

Yeah, sure, you can run.

Fly?

Oh, yeah, you can fly.

What? What are you...

What the fuck are you do...

What the fuck are you doing?

Stop. Stop it.

What the f...

You fucking idiot.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Anyways, in the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy, a fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school.

He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard.

Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by.

The troll spoke thus:

"All right, for the last time, man, I'm not a troll.

"I'm homeless.

"Okay, do you have any spare change?

"Okay, that's a used napkin.

"I don't want that.

"No, no, stop.

Just... you know what? Leave.

Just leave. Please leave."

And then... as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage, he saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him.

And the pentacorn spoke thus:

"Hello, Bo.

I've been looking for you for quite a long..."

He was safe for now.

But the dark thoughts would soon return.

It's Godzilla!

Oh, my God!

♪ It's so hard to be a lizard ♪

♪ It's hard to be a lizard ♪

♪ Tiny arms, itchy gizzard ♪ Why is he singing? He's a monster.

♪ It's hard to be a lizard ♪

♪ But it's harder to segue ♪

♪ Is he skiing ♪

♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪

♪ Is he skiing ♪

♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪

♪ Is he skiing ♪

♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪

♪ Here's a hint ♪

♪ He's in a gay porn ♪

♪ Okay, Bo, this miming shit ♪

♪ Is getting pretty annoying ♪

♪ So give them the real thing ♪

♪ My voice is so fucking natural ♪

♪ It's naturally good ♪

♪ Naturally good ♪

♪ Naturally good ♪

♪ This is the end of the song ♪

♪ And the beginning of the show ♪

♪ Welcome to the show ♪


That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid.

Anyway...

San Francisco, yeah. Yeah.

We are a place.

We are a place in California.

I'd like to... I'd like to start with a joke for my male audience.

This is a joke for the fellas.

Where are my fellas at? Fellas?

Yeah.

Yo, fellas, don't you hate it when you're blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot?

Am I right?

I've been blowing a faggot this whole time?

Third time this week. Thank you so much.

We're having fun.

This show is called what.

And I hope there's some surprises for you or some... Jesus. Sorry.

That's a good start. I hope there's some...

♪ He meant to knock the water over ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But you all thought it was an accident ♪

♪ But he meant to knock the water over ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, art is alive ♪

♪ Nothing is real ♪ So we...

Grow up.

Grow up with your applause.

Stick it.

♪ He meant to knock the water over ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But you all thought it was an a... ♪ Just don't... if it's on repeat, it will repeat.

We can cut all this.

♪ He meant to play the track again ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But you all thought it was an accident ♪

♪ But he meant to play the water track again-gain-gain ♪

♪ Art's still alive, nothing's still real ♪ Food jokes. Let's do some food jokes.

Segues are weird.

I had a hot dog for breakfast today, and afterwards I felt like this...

'cause I couldn't control my stools.

All right, Jesus.

Glad you like poop-based puns.

That'll be a majority of the show.

Never waste a moment.

Every moment can become a comedic moment.

See? So just a little lesson for comedians.

This first song is called A World on Fire.

This next song, it's a little bit longer than that one, and...

Thank you.

It's about how sad I am, and I'm really sad.

And it's called Sad.

It's about all the sad stuff.

Just picture a depressed onion cutting itself.

♪ ♪

♪ I met a homeless man named Rich ♪

♪ Isn't that terrible? ♪

♪ I saw a flyer for a lost dog ♪

♪ And the dog didn't have any legs ♪

♪ I saw a diabetic kid ♪

♪ Trick-or-treating ♪

♪ I saw a giraffe who had a short neck ♪

♪ That was sad or a deer ♪

♪ I saw an old man get hit by a train ♪

♪ He didn't see it in the pouring rain ♪

♪ He didn't hear me shout, "Look out for the train." ♪

'Cause I didn't say anything.

♪ ♪ I just thought to myself, "Ooh, this is gonna be sad."

And it was.

I'm a genius.

♪ I saw a man with only one eye ♪

♪ ♪

♪ In a 3-D movie ♪

♪ I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone ♪

♪ Directly on his mother's corpse ♪

♪ I saw a kitten stuck in a tree ♪

♪ Then the kitten jumped off, and he hung itself ♪

♪ I saw a boy who had red hair ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I went to a store looking for something to buy ♪

♪ But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy ♪

♪ No, wait ♪

♪ This store sells mirrors ♪

♪ See what I did there? ♪ Let's rock!

No.

♪ ♪ The world's so sad, bros.

Pain, genocide, war, sexism, racism.

But I got to remember there's good things about it too... like the fact that none of that's happening to me.

Score.

Still, though, it's hard not to be sad about it.

How do y'all do it?

I've been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song.

You haven't been sad at all.

You've been... you've been happy.

No, you've been laughing. That's it.

Laughter... it's the key to everything.

It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world.

I mean, not for the people that are actually sad but the people like us that got to fucking deal with them all the time.

Being a comedian isn't being an insensitive prick, capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public.

It's being a hero.

The world isn't sad.

The world's funny.

I'm a sociopath.

♪ I saw an old man slip and fall ♪

♪ Hey, what a fucking idiot ♪

♪ I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral ♪ Ha ha ha. Classic comedy.

♪ Everything that once was sad ♪

♪ Is somehow funny now ♪

♪ The Holocaust and 9/11 ♪

♪ That shit's funny 24-7 ♪

♪ 'Cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about ♪

♪ Because my empathy is bumming me out ♪

♪ Good-bye, sadness ♪

♪ Hello, jokes ♪

♪ ♪ Thank you.

I got a really good joke about video editors.

Video editors are so fucking...

I think we should do a poem right now, if that's okay.

This poem is a little bit sappy, a little bit romantic.

So we'll get it out of the way now.

And we will go back to the... Whoops... the dirty stuff, you know, everyone loves at a late show or whatever.

Okay.

It's called I Fuck Sluts.

It's not a roll call, but thank you.

Sluts, sluts...

Sluts, sluts, I fuck sluts.

Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts.

No if, ands, and/or buts.

I fuck sluts. I fuck sluts.

Nice girls are nice but no good for nut-sucking.

They'll need a serene night to green-light a butt-fucking.

But that'd be easy with sleazy old slut fucking.

Boo to the nice girls.

Praise be to slut-fucking.

I have a list. A list?

Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed.

I've never fucked or sucked these sluts, and thus my nuts are fucking pissed.

So, when I fuck the lucky slut, my nut removes her from the list.

Another dumb cumbucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck it, slut, slut-fucking bucket list.

Yes, you hear the influences... Chaucer, Keats.

The pages are blank. I know it.

Why am I lying to you?

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond.

They can be skinny with big tits or be skinny with small ones.

Sluts can be perky, preppy, or posh, with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash.

Excuse me.

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart.

These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart.

They can talk about science, music, or art.

They can put you together, or they can pull you apart.

But don't trust these sluts. Don't. Don't you dare.

They'll force you to trust them and love them and care.

And then they'll be gone, and then you'll be aware of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.

Thank you very much.

"So he was lashing out with sexist language

"'cause he had his heart broken.

We all learned something."

Thank you all for coming.

I know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense, a little bit hard to follow, particularly that one.

So I want to do something a little bit slower for the people, maybe the older people in the crowd or something, so this is for you.

Here's a slow joke.

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?

"Aw, shucks."

Get it?

Like shucks, as in shucking corn, and also "shucks" the exclamation.

Am I right?

Good, we're having fun.

My father recently told me that I act too flamboyant onstage.

And I said, "Really, Dad? Prove it."

He said, "What about that joke where you throw confetti at the end of it?"

I said, "I haven't written that joke yet, "'cause it's based off this conversation.

Gotcha."

Keep it. Keep the struggle.

We're having a lot of fun, guys. Don't worry about...

You don't have to fill the silences with laughter or applause.

I don't want you leaving this show thinking, "My hands hurt from clapping. My stomach hurts from laughing."

I just want you leaving this show thinking, "All right."

And we're on our way.

I moved to Hollywood recently from Boston, where I grew up, and... places.

And I heard about these sort of wild Hollywood party nights that people would have, and I didn't think they were true until I moved to Hollywood and I started having them.

Anyway, this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple weeks ago.

It's called What Did I Do Last Night?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

♪ What did I do last night? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I cried myself to sleep ♪

It was a good one.

When did my mother first describe gay sex to me?

Good question. I was eight years old.

I was eight years old.

She brought me into the dining room.

She sat right across the table from me.

She said, "Do you know how your father and I love each other?"

I said, "Of course. You and Dad love each other

"more than two people in the world could possibly love each other."

She said, "Well, two men can love each other in the exact same way that your father and I love each other."

She said, "What happens when two men love each other like that, "what they do is they take off all their clothes, "they get into bed, and they shit on the Bible!"

So I don't talk to her anymore.

Okay.

Hello, patient 24602. Hi. I'm sorry.

How are you feeling? Not great.

Has the treatment been working?

No, it hasn't been.

What are your remaining symptoms?

I just... I internalize my feelings.

I just... I have trouble artic...

Like, other people and relating to them is just hard.

So basically you're still a little bitch.

Real mature of you, disembodied voice up there.

I was just joking, nigga.

We are right by Oakland. Careful with that shit.

I'm not human. I can say whatever I want.

All right, just get to the... What's wrong with me?

What is wrong with me, please?

Your emotions and your logic are at war.

Okay.

Your creativity and your analysis are at war.

And most simply your left and right brain are at war.

My left and my right?

To fix the problem, we must separate them from each other.

Separ...

Splitting your neurological functions in five, four, three...

Let's just... Will you book an appointment?

You don't just start counting down.

One. This may hurt a bit.

I don't even know what it is.

Zero. Just...

Isolation complete.

This is Bo's left brain: objective, logical, cold, analytical, aware of patterns, aware of trends.

He's efficient and a prick.

This is Bo's right brain: subjective, creative, sensory, aware of feelings, aware of people.

He's emotional...

Yes. And an idiot.

That's your opinion, so just... Careful with opinions.

Okay, boys, play nice.

♪ I am the left brain, I am the left brain ♪

♪ I work really hard till my inevitable death brain ♪

♪ You got a job to do ♪

♪ You better do it right ♪

♪ And the right way is with the left brain's might ♪

♪ I like Oreos and pussy ♪

♪ Yeah, okay ♪

♪ And I cried for at least an hour ♪

♪ After watching Toy Story 3 ♪

♪ I am the right brain ♪

♪ I have feelings ♪

♪ I'm a little all over the place ♪

♪ But I'm lustful, trustful ♪

♪ And I'm looking for somebody to love ♪

♪ And put my penis in ♪

♪ Here comes a female, here comes a female ♪

♪ Puff your chest out ♪

♪ Take your phone, and check your email ♪

♪ Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate ♪

♪ So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate ♪

♪ Holy fuck, I think she might be the one ♪

♪ There's something about her ♪

♪ I just can't describe it ♪ Tits.

♪ I am the Earth ♪

♪ She's the glorious sun ♪

♪ I want her to trust me ♪

♪ And I just want her to sit on my face ♪ Sit.

♪ All right, now, right brain, you're being insane ♪

♪ No, left brain, I'm just being alive ♪

♪ You should try it ♪

♪ You might like it ♪

♪ I worked hard to give him everything he cared about ♪

♪ You were worried about the things

♪ That he was scared about ♪

♪ I'm calm and collected when you act wild ♪

♪ I am the adult ♪

♪ You are the child ♪

♪ You think you're the right one every time ♪

♪ You think you know everything ♪

♪ You don't know anything at all ♪

♪ Half of his problems were supposed to be mine ♪

♪ But you wanted everything ♪

♪ I hope that you're happy, 'cause he's sure not ♪ Well, according to my calculations, you're a pussy.

Name-calling, really? We're gonna do name-calling?

I'm not calling names, all right?

I'm just stating facts.

And the fact is, you're a quivering pussy.

I'm the pussy? Well, at least I don't play with toys still.

Okay, Rubik's Cubes are not toys.

They keep my spatial reasoning skills sharp.

Left brain plays with toys.

Look at you, Johnny fucking toy-player.

Well, at least I did my fucking job.

I kept him working. I kept him productive.

You were supposed to look after him.

You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this.

Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling.

How he's feeling.

If he's feeling unhappy, it's because you failed him.

You did this to him. He hates you. I know he does.

He fucking hates you!

Right brain, look, I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

♪ Look, maybe there's something that we could do together ♪

Together?

♪ Take the best parts of both of us ♪

♪ Put them together ♪ I'm listening.

♪ It would let you let your feelings out ♪

♪ It would let me analyze ♪

♪ So you could man the themes ♪

♪ I'll man the form ♪

♪ It's something that George Carlin did ♪

♪ It's something that Steve Martin did ♪

♪ It's something special that we could both perform ♪ Do you know what it is?

Juggling? We could juggle and juggle our cares away.

It was comedy. We could do comedy together.

Initiate reassembly.

All right, all right, right brain, we're gonna do comedy together, all right?

All right, all right, left brain, I'll do comedy with you.

Look, we can fix him like this.

We can make him happy again, I promise.

Left brain, left brain, I love you.

Three, two...

I know. One.

Experimentation complete.

Thank you very much.

At this point of the show, I'd like to talk about how deep I am.

And I'm pretty fucking deep, deep, deep, deep.

♪ ♪ So deep...

that I called this song...

#deep.

♪ Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird ♪

♪ Drop from a tree and take to the air? ♪

♪ Me neither ♪

♪ Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme ♪

♪ But the right words just weren't there? ♪

♪ Meat cleaver ♪

♪ The people in my life are like grains of sand ♪

♪ 'Cause they stick together ♪

♪ Often near my butthole ♪

♪ If life is an ocean ♪

♪ I am a deep and handsome fish ♪

♪ A fish that's drowning ♪

♪ If the artistic process is a birth canal ♪

♪ Then I am a freshly jellied kid ♪

♪ Come witness my crowning ♪

♪ These thoughts of mine ♪

♪ Must be a sign that I'm ♪

♪ #deep ♪ If Jesus can walk on water, can He swim on land?

♪ Have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat ♪

♪ Instead of on your girlfriend's face? ♪

♪ Me neither ♪ Me neither!

♪ Have you ever wrote a song note for note ♪

♪ And not a single note was out of place? ♪ Duh. Hold on.

♪ The people in my life are like blades of grass ♪

♪ How? 'Cause they're all so grounded ♪

♪ But at least grass stays away from my butthole ♪

♪ Art is a harlot ♪

♪ And I am her sassy urban friend ♪

♪ Oh, bitch, why you being so selfish? ♪

♪ If Mama is right and the world is my oyster ♪

♪ Then I must have ♪

♪ An allergy to shellfish ♪

♪ You don't know ♪

♪ How could you know? ♪

♪ If life makes you wish you were dead ♪

♪ Just put on a good movie ♪

♪ Then promptly put a bullet in your head ♪

♪ Spend forever asleep ♪

♪ 'Cause life pales in comparison to living the dream ♪

♪ #deep ♪

♪ ♪

Thank you.

♪ ♪


Don't you hate it when that happens?

Yeah.

Thank you. That's called Beating Off in "A" Minor.

Yes, yes.

"A" minor, the key, not the felony.

So...

I believe...

I believe there's nothing more manly one can do than take a shower with five other guys.

It's true.

It's early cavemen, Cro-Magnon, wandering through the fog, you know, scrubbing five other sapiens.

No homo.

We... oh.

I'd like to do some poems right now, if that's okay.

We're in this point of the show.

These poems are actually from...

I'm releasing this special for free.

So I'm gonna plug my poetry book.

These are my new poems from my poetry book called Egghead that will be out by the time this is airing but not by the time you guys are seated here right now, so...

But it's good. They're pretty serious.

And it's all just sort of...

This is sort of the lull of the show usually.

So I'd like to, at this point, sort of take the pressure off the audience and just read some poems.

And then we'll go back to the giggles.

So this is a poem by a dog.

"Roses are gray.

"Violets are a different shade of gray.

Let's go chase cars."

"Me with my strange choice of adjectives.

You with your muscular teeth and clockwise vagina."

"I put a chameleon on a red dildo."

"He blushed." There we go.

This is a poem about beauty, about self-image, and about the ability to transform.

"Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon, "so she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

"And after a week, she finally emerged.

She smelled like shit. What a psycho."

"You're incomparable, like a..."

"I want to beat you to death with a blunt object.

"I want to grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins

"by the ankles and bash your rib cage in.

"I want to sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, "stick the lead in your mouth, and punch the erasers.

"I want to strap you to a bed of nails, "then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car

"so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps

"in a mall parking lot during an earthquake.

"I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash, "then somehow not survive a small fender bender on the way back from the hospital."

Thank you. That's called Dad.

This is a poem.

It's really a story that's meant primarily for children, but I think it's got a lesson we could all learn.

"The squares lived happily in their square houses, "in their square yard, in their square town.

"But then one day, a family of circles

"moved in from the West.

"'Get out of here, roundies, '

"shouted one of the squares.

"'Why?' said one of the circles.

"Cause this is a metaphor for racism.'"

"When I walk into a party, you'd think I was one

"of those long, straight Tetris pieces, "'cause everyone's just like, 'Oh, yeah, this guy's here.

Finally. We've been waiting for him to show up.'"

Like, you wait in the game... Forget it.

No. You had your chance.

"If I had a million dollars, "I'd pay your mother to have sex with me.

Afterwards, I'd probably invest the remaining $999,990."

$10 for sex with your mother.

Comedy.

I smell comedy.

Well, it was comedy giving off that scent.

And finally...

"Mid-October, "with leaves spilled like colored-pencil shavings, "the streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions.

And me, eating that pussy, baby."

Thank you so much.

There's things that I don't want to come across in my show that I worry often come across about me, 'cause people don't realize that it's an act up here.

I don't want you to ever think that I think I'm better than people or that I think I know better than people.

Anyway, sorry. Okay.

This is a song from the perspective of God.

♪ ♪

♪ The books you think I wrote are way too thick ♪

♪ Who needs 1,000 metaphors ♪

♪ To figure out you shouldn't be a dick? ♪

♪ And I don't watch you when you sleep ♪

♪ Surprisingly, I don't use my omnipotence ♪

♪ To be a fucking creep ♪

♪ You're not going to heaven ♪

♪ Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you? ♪

♪ None of you are going to heaven ♪

♪ There's a trillion aliens cooler than you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You shouldn't abstain from rape ♪

♪ Just 'cause you think that I want you to ♪

♪ You shouldn't rape 'cause rape is a fucked-up thing to do ♪ Pretty obvious... Just don't fucking rape people.

Didn't think I had to write that one down for you.

♪ I don't think masturbation is obscene ♪

♪ It's absolutely natural ♪

♪ And the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen ♪

♪ You make my job a living hell ♪

♪ I sent gays to fix overpopulation ♪

♪ Boy, did that go well ♪

♪ You're not going to heaven ♪

♪ Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns ♪

♪ None of you are going to heaven ♪

♪ You're not my children ♪

♪ You're a bad game of Sim ♪

♪ You shouldn't abstain from pork ♪

♪ Just 'cause you think that I want you to ♪

♪ You can eat pork ♪

'Cause why the fuck would I give a shit?

I created the universe.

Think I'm drawing the line at the fucking deli aisle?

♪ You argue, and you bicker, and you fight ♪

♪ Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus ♪

♪ Argue day and night ♪

♪ Over what they think is true ♪

♪ But no one entertains the thought ♪

♪ That maybe God does not believe in you ♪

♪ You pray so badly for heaven ♪

♪ Knowing any day might be the day that you die ♪

♪ But maybe life on Earth could be heaven ♪

♪ Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My love's the type of thing that you have to earn ♪

♪ And when you earn it, you won't need it ♪

♪ Oh, my love's the type of thing that you have to earn ♪

♪ And when you earn it, you won't need it ♪

♪ I'm not gonna give you love ♪

♪ Just 'cause I know that you want me to ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you want love, then the love has got to come from you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Walking between the microphones ♪

♪ Is really awkward ♪ Tell me about it.

Women are stupid.

Yeah, I fucking said it.

They're the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you.

I like to practice safe sex. Why?

'Cause I'm a guy, and I'm smarter.

What do women say every time?

Every time I put on a condom, what do they say?

"Why are you wearing a condom if I'm fucking you with a strap-on?"

"To be safe, bitch."

Women, right? They're the dumb ones.

It's time for a story.

Let's do a story.

♪ It's time for a story ♪

♪ It's time for a story ♪

♪ A very special story especially for you ♪

♪ It's time for a story ♪

♪ It's time for a story ♪

♪ Sit down and listen now ♪

♪ Don't be a Jew ♪ This story is called Andy...

That's a glitch. You can be Jewish.

This story... this story is called Andy the Frog, featuring long and convoluted similes.

And I'll warn you when one of those long, convoluted similes rears its old head. So here we go.

Once upon a time, there was a frog named Andy.

Andy lived at the Patton Park pond and had never hopped anywhere else in his entire frog life.

He had three best friends:

Millie, who never left her lily pad, Billy, who was always hopping mad, and Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn.

So one day...

One day, Andy saw something hop across the grass on the other side of the pond.

"Millie, Billy, Roger, look," said Andy.

Across the pond stood the most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen.

"She's gorgeous," said Millie.

"She's beautiful," said Billy.

"Bit old for my taste," said Roger.

Classic Roger.

And then she was gone.

"I need to go find her," said Andy.

"I need to follow my little frog heart."

So Andy followed the beautiful frog's footsteps into the forest.

He then came across a turtle.

"You can't pass," said the turtle.

"Please?" said Andy.

"No," said the turtle.

And this is the first long, convoluted simile.

Then there was a rustling in the bushes.

And like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle, the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.

Andy kept moving, but at this point, like the doctor of the Kenyan track team, his patience ran thin.

Andy kept moving.

He then came across a giant crocodile.

And the crocodile began to chant, "I woke up this morning, and I sat on a log.

I opened up the menu. The menu said frog."

Andy said, "No, no.

"Please let go of me. I can feel myself dying.

"You're ripping out my insides.

"I'm never gonna find her, am I?

"There's no God, is there?

Fuck! Fuck!"

The end. The end.

So that's the end of that story.

Yeah, if you're curious, the moral of that story is irrelevant, 'cause we're humans.

Why would it apply to us?

You know, my father is so hard to get along with

'cause he's such a man's man, you know?

He believes, like, for example, you should always fight fire with fire, which is a horrible way to live your life, especially for him, 'cause he's a firefighter.

So he was fired.

That was as stupid as we get.

But let's get a little stupider, huh?

♪ There's a creepy old man fishing in the park ♪

♪ And the only problem is ♪

♪ He tied a candy bar to the end of his line ♪

♪ He's trying to catch a kid ♪ You know, that stuff.

Trying to get a little more mainstream.

People complain about the way I act onstage very often.

You know, they say, like, I repeat jokes.

Or they also say that... they say... they don't get, again, that this is an act onstage.

And they think, onstage, I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms.

And they want me to be...

They want me to be a comic of the people, you know, relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy.

So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys.

I'm like you guys.

You know, once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

And what I like to do in order to assure myself that I am unique and I'm not just one of many small, white, indistinguishable, perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan's backgammon game is, I will...

I'll say a group of words that I think no one has ever said in that order so that when I say it, I feel like, "Look at me, participating in this new moment that no one's ever been a part of."

So I'll say something random, like, "Peanut butter tribadism."

Or, "I'm your father, and I loved your comedy show."

Or, "At first, I wasn't comfortable

"leaving him alone with my children, "but then I saw his mustache.

Phew."

Or, "Yo, check out this Amish Website."

Or, "I work at a tollbooth, and I don't want to kill myself."

Or... that's too real.

Or, "Yo, man, my life's about three things, man, "three things:

"getting money, getting pussy, and the Dewey decimal system." Or...

Or, "Hey, can you hold my fanny pack?

I'm gonna go fuck a woman."

If I could break...

I want to thank you all for being here, because I'm so grateful that you'd all come here and spend an hour of your time with me.

And if you're watching at home or whatever on a computer or something, if you've made it this far, thank you very much for watching.

Genuinely, this is my favorite thing to do.

And I'm so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it.

Okay, I will now recede back into my stage persona.

I just blacked out for 20 seconds.

Thank you for coming.

Love songs used to be so beautiful.

You know, "Let us go, then, you and I, "when the evening has spread out against the sky like a patient etherized upon a table."

T.S. Eliot, beautiful.

Love songs nowadays, just as beautiful, guys.

Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D, you know them.

But these new artists... They've done something very strange to the format of the love song.

They've changed it a bit.

And I tried to capture how they've changed the format of the love song with this love song.

I hope you enjoy it and mark the differences.

♪ ♪

♪ Jason Derulo ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I love your hair, I love your name ♪

♪ I love the way you say it ♪

♪ I love your heart ♪

♪ And you're so smart, 'cause you gave away it ♪

♪ I love your sis, I love your dad ♪

♪ I love your mom, but more than all of that ♪

♪ I love the fact that you are dumb enough ♪

♪ To not realize everything I've said ♪

♪ Has been said before in 1,000 ways ♪

♪ In 1,000 songs sung with the same four chords ♪

♪ But you'll still love it and let me finger you ♪

♪ Yeah, finger you, finger you ♪

♪ Oh, girl, I hope you don't think that I'm rude ♪

♪ When I tell you that I love you, boo ♪

♪ I also hope that you don't see through ♪

♪ This cleverly constructed ruse ♪

♪ Designed by a marketing team ♪

♪ Cashing in on puberty and low self-esteem ♪

♪ And girls' desperate need to feel loved ♪

♪ America says we love a chorus ♪

♪ But don't get complicated and bore us ♪

♪ Though meaning might be missing ♪

♪ We need to know the words after just one listen ♪

♪ So repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, you know it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I love my baby, and you know ♪

♪ I couldn't live without her ♪

♪ But now I need to make every girl ♪

♪ Think this song's about her ♪

♪ Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague ♪

♪ So I describe my dream girl as really, really vague ♪

♪ Like, I love your hands ♪

♪ 'Cause your fingerprints are like no other ♪

♪ I love your eyes and their ♪

♪ Bluish, brownish, greenish color ♪

♪ I love it when you smile that you smile wide ♪

♪ And I love how your torso has an arm on either side ♪

♪ Now, if you're my agent, you might be thinking ♪

♪ "Oh, no, sound the alarms ♪

♪ "You're not appealing to little girls ♪

♪ "Who don't have arms ♪

♪ "But they can't use iTunes, so fuck them ♪

♪ Who needs them?" ♪

♪ Oh, girl, I... ♪ Oh, hello, Satan.

Satan, you taste so good.

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ Everybody.

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff ♪ Come on, louder.

I can't hear you.

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff ♪

♪ ♪

Young ones, listen up.

♪ I'm in magazines ♪

♪ Full of model teens ♪

♪ So far above you ♪

♪ So read them and hate yourself ♪

♪ Then pay me to tell you I love you ♪ I love you.

♪ And your parents will always come along ♪

♪ Because their little girl is in love ♪

♪ And how could love be wrong? ♪

♪ How could love be wrong? ♪

♪ When you repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪

♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ I am a vessel. 666.

Illuminati.

♪ We know it's not right ♪

♪ We know it's not funny ♪

♪ But we'll stop beating this dead horse ♪

♪ When it stops spitting out money ♪

♪ But until then ♪

♪ We will repeat stuff ♪

Thank you so much.

You guys have been absolutely amazing.

You've been absolutely amazing.

That's the end of the show.

I probably should've ended it on a sort of higher note there.

But, yeah, that's the end of what.

I hope you liked it.

Bo, oh, my God. How are you?

I haven't seen you since, like, freshman year.

Oh, my God.

You were so, like, skinny and weird back then.

But now you're...

Anyway, you should totally come to this party I'm having tonight with a bunch of my college friends.

It's gonna be off the chain hook.

It's gonna be so good.

You can play some songs for us or something.

I've been telling everybody how good of friends we were back in the day.

I know we never talked or hung out ever.

But I think that's what made our friendship so special, you know?

Anyway, text me.

Okay, bye.

Mr. Burnham.

How you doing? Good? Good.

I'm an agent from out in Los Angeles.

Really dig your stuff, man.

It's out there, you know. I totally get it.

And the best part about it, man, you got all these young fans, which is great, because young people... they're very passionate, and they're very reliable consumers.

But what you got to do in order to take your career to the next level, you got to cater more heavily to them.

All right, we've done studies.

Young people do not respond to this, you know, introspective material or these challenges to the form, you know.

Young people want jokes they can relate to, okay?

So write a silly song about Facebook, you know?

Write some jokes about Twitter or sugary cereals or Razor scooters.

Relate to them.

You know, also, you got to reestablish your presence on the Internet, buddy, all right?

It's not important whether the material's good or not.

What's important is that you keep the Bo Burnham brand alive and well.

You get it? Cool.

We'll discuss more later. I know it's a lot.

My number is 310-555...

Fag.

What up, dude? What's up?

How are you, man?

You've changed, bro.

You've changed. I never knew you.

But my friend's old roommate's friend said he knew you in high school, and you became a real asshole once all this comedy stuff started happening.

What is it, man? You think you're better than us?

You think you're better than us just 'cause you're tall?

Well, congrats, man. You're tall.

Wow. It's incredible.

You want a trophy for being tall?

We should just give trophies to tall things.

Then every tree and building will have a trophy.

Does that make sense?

Yo, why are you acting all quiet and weird right now?

Yo, I know why you are.

It's 'cause you're an arrogant prick, that's why, an arrogant fucking prick.

I once heard that you actually act quiet because you're shy and introverted in real life and that people shouldn't expect you to act the same way offstage as you do onstage.

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes no sense.

Anyway, you want to buy some weed?

Bo, oh, my God.

Bo, oh, my God.

Bo. Bo.

Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.

Oh, my God. Mr. Burnham.

Bo, Bo. Fag.

Bo, oh, my God. Mr. Burnham.

Bo, Bo. Fag.

Bo, oh, my God. Mr. Burnham.

Bo, Bo. Fag.

Bo, oh, my God. Mr. Burnham.

Bo, Bo. Fag.

Bo, oh, my God.

Mister... Fag.

Mister... Mister... Fag.

Bo, oh, my God. Mister...

Fag. Mister... Mister...

Fag. Bo.

Fag. Oh, my God.

Fag. Mi... mi...

Fag. Mi... mi...

Mr. Burnham. Fag. Fag.

Oh, my God. Fag.

Fag. Mi... mi...

Fag. Mi... mi...

Fag. Mi... mi...

Fag. Mi... mi...

Fag. I am Satan, lord of darkness.

Bo, oh, my God. Fag.

Mr. Burnham. Fag.

Bo. Fag.

Oh, my God.

Fag. Bo.

Fag. Oh, my God.

Mr. Burnham. Fag.

Bo. Fag.

Bo, oh, my God. Fag.

Mr. Burnham. Fag.

Bo.

Hey.

Hey. What the hell?

Hey. Hey.

You're not gonna hit the girl?

That's sexist. F-f-f-fag.

Mister... Mi... Mi... Mister... Bo, Bo.

We think you've changed, bro.

We know best.

You suck.

We think you've changed, bro.

We know best.

You suck. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think- We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

We think... We know...

You. We think...

We know... You.

♪ We think we know you ♪

♪ We think we know you ♪

♪ We think we know you ♪

♪ We think we know you ♪

♪ We think we know you ♪

♪ We think we know you ♪

♪ We think we know you ♪ Mister... Mister... Mister...

Mister.

Bo, oh, my God.

Bo, oh, my God. Bo.

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪

♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪

♪ Fag, fag ♪

♪ Bo ♪ ♪ Fag, fag ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪ ♪ Fag, fag ♪

♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪ ♪ Fag, fag, fag ♪

♪ Fag, fag ♪ ♪ Bo, Bo ♪

♪ Fag, fag ♪ ♪ Bo, Bo ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪ ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪

♪ Mr. Burnham ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪ ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪ ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪ ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪ Mr. Burnham.

Bo, you going to school in the fall?

What? You going to school this year?

No. You leave, and I'll go...

And I'll stay at my school.

Yeah, right.

Who's your teacher gonna be?

Mrs. Blanket.

Who?

Mrs. Blanket.

Mrs. Boynton?

No, Mrs. Boynton is gonna be Mrs. Blanket.

Oh.

That's my friend, Mrs...

That's my teacher, Mrs. Blanket.

And that's my teacher, Mrs. Blanket.

Bosy, what do you think you're gonna do at school?

Oh...

I'm gonna bring Jell-O and a fruit snack and Tinker Bell and all my stuff and all my stuff and banana and apple...

Yeah, I know. You're gonna eat some snacks.

But what else are you gonna do there?