Bogus (1996) Script


bravo! yay!

that was great! do the bird trick! magician: bird trick. announcer: let's hear it for the amazing, colossal, stupendous antoine and babette!

yeah, mr. antoine!

aww. aww. how sweet! wait, now.

wow! where did it go?

i'll be back between shows, and i want you ready for bed. no tv till you finish that report. tell mr. antoine the mouse won't eat. you hear me? no tv. now give your mom a big kiss. and don't let that mouse out of the cage. i won't. mrs. partridge, i'll be back between shows. mrs. partridge: all right. drive careful. ok. love you! tell mr. antoine he won't eat! ok. see ya! wouldn't want to be ya! make sure you tell him! ok! i will! don't forget to! ok!

mr. antoine is teaching me how to make lightning disappear. mm-hmm. sooner the better. i'm not a mouse person. come on. let's get in here and do some more tricks. attaboy.

i'm going to call albert. i'll see you for the next show.

say hi to albert for me. aw, thanks.

hello. it's lorraine, mrs. partridge. how's my boy? oh, he's fine. fine. ate all his vegetables tonight, even his broccoli. good. good. well, i need to go to the market, and i'll be home within the hour. albert: is it my mom? mrs. partridge: hold on. here comes mr. magician. mom, i did my hoover dam report. i'm going to read it to you. i'm coming home to put you to bed. you can read it to me then. i'll just read you the first part.

"45 miles from las vegas is the hoover dam. it is one of the highest dams of the entire world." ooh! that's my opener. oh, it's stupendous! i'm hooked! and the rest of it when i get home. and i want you to brush your teeth. hi, albert, honey! it's ruthie. albert: hi, ruthie! mom. yeah? i'm working on mr. antoine's card move-- the rise-and-fall move he showed me. i think i got it. it's all in the wrist. it's all in the wrist, and so is brushing your teeth. now, i'll be home soon, and look, albert, i want you to be gentle with mrs. partridge, ok? she's brittle. ok. miss rylander gave me an "a" on my report on ethiopia. great. wonderful.

"ethiopia is in the northern part of africa.

"children in ethiopia are very hungry. there was a drought there." that means no rain. good work, albert! i love you. i'll be home soon, but i want you to brush your teeth and get into bed. ok. ok. ok, promise me? promise. promise? promise. ok. i love you. love you too, mom. bye. mrs. partridge, i have something to show you. what--your room? yes! it's a mess. albert: ok, mrs. partridge, i have an empty brown bag. uh-huh. i will open the brown paper bag like this. now give me the ketchup bottle. careful you don't break it. i won't.

put the ketchup bottle in the bag. watch! uh-huh. say the magic words--sim-sola-bim. poof! it's gone! oh, come on, now, albert. nobody's going to believe that. don't like it?

hee hee hee!

* sing me a lullaby

* won't you wipe away my pain? *

* take me out

* ohh

* of the driving rain

hello. is this the franklin residence? yes. policeman: ma'am, can we please come inside and talk to you? yeah. thank you very much. thank you. ma'am, i regret to inform you that mrs. franklin has been involved in a very serious vehicle accident. mom! clergyman: "i am the resurrection and the life.

"he that believeth in me, though he were dead, "yet shall he live.

"whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die but have eternal life and peace forever." amen. ok. now.

antoine, french accent: it is a sad day here. we are confused. we do not understand. je ne comprends pas. tell me, god, is life the illusion, and is death the reality?

what door do you go through, lorraine, and where will you appear again? allez. au revoir, ma petite.

bon voyage.


"45 miles from las vegas is the hoover dam. it is one of the highest dams in the entire--"

i'm sorry, albert. keep reading, baby. keep going. albert: shouldn't i do this? it's all right, mon grand. keep reading. don't stop, albert. it's so beautiful. yes. but i'm making everybody sadder. it's all right, mon cheri. go on. go.

no. everybody's too sad. mother wasn't sad. my mother was never sad!

babette: why can't we keep him? we could all-- antoine: babette, this is not a pet, you know. babette: but he's so little, and we love him. hey, ruthie, you must know more about the family. what about the father? yes, ruthie. the father. father? the father was just a fly-by-night. she thought he was magic. maybe he was, 'cause he sure did disappear. i don't even think she got his last name. woman: grandparents? ruthie: she didn't have any family-- no parents, no grandparents, no brothers, no sisters. she was raised in a foster home back in newark, new jersey. if there's no family, where will albert go? why can't i just stay here? albert! honey, we thought you were fast asleep. mrs. partridge: come on, honey. let's go back to bed. mr. antoine said he was my father. antoine: c'est une facon de parler. it is an expression. he loves you like a father. oui. je t'aime beaucoup, albert. antoine: you know you are my favorite. we all love you, albert. antoine: we would like to take you with us, but we move around so much. we have no maison-- no home-- and a circus is not a home. you were going to teach me to be a magician. you said i could be in the act one day. i've been practicing. i'm really good with the a.b.c. trick, and i already know the over-the-falls and the 50-cent discovery. mrs. partridge, you saw me do it. i fooled you, didn't i? yes. you certainly fooled me. and my fingers are getting stronger all the time, and my wrist. look!

see? see? it's all in the wrist.

lorraine's voice: to whom it may concern: in the event of my death, please contact my foster sister harriet franklin. even though our lives have gone separate ways and it's been many years since we've spoken, i've always thought of her as the godmother of my son albert, who i am leaving in her care. i believe she will always be there for albert... man and lorraine: "as harriet and i were once there for one another. man: "she is most likely still in newark. i know she'll want to do the right thing." signed, lorraine franklin. the boy has a guardian. it's his godmother-- harriet franklin. any of you ever heard of her?

janet, get me directory assistance for newark, new jersey.

let me ask harriet, ok? hold on. hold on. harriet! can you hold on one second? what is it? mike belasco's claiming we over-delivered on the coasters. penny, did you remember to verify the order? verbally and in writing, like you said. bob, can you hold on one second? it's so busy here. mike, what's the problem? no, no, no. we didn't over-deliver. you over-ordered. what were you thinking, ordering pink coasters? you got a cigar manufacturers convention going on! no. hold on a second. bob, you still there? i'll be right with you. i tell you what. i'm going to do you a big favor. you send me back the pink ones, i'll send you the brown ones, you pay for shipping. ok? i'm going to put penny on. penny! what? get on with belasco. we're finally getting rid of those goddamn brown coasters. bob! sorry about that. you know, when you're busy, the world is on hold. now, as i was saying, i want to get into bigger things, bob. i want to get into sterilizers and deep fryers... harriet: to cook things in. i really feel... reliable hotel and restaurant supply. we're there for you. yes? no. i found a wonderful warehouse. it's full of inventory. all you have to do is come and see it with me. make the day. any day. oh, yeah. yeah. you just let me know, ok? thanks. bye-bye. one moment, please. somebody from las vegas on line 2? something about lorraine, your sister? i didn't know you had a sister.

hello. attorney: hello. miss franklin? yeah. miss franklin, my name is clay thrasher. i'm a lawyer at the hotel where lorraine franklin has been working. harriet, on speakerphone: uh-oh. what's wrong? what, is she in some kind of trouble? i'm afraid it's worse than trouble, miss franklin. lorraine was killed last week in an automobile accident. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what did you say? lorraine was killed last week in an automobile accident.

you are lorraine's foster sister, is that correct, miss franklin? you're telling me lorraine is dead? miss franklin, this is ruth clark. i was lorraine's best friend. we would have told you sooner, except... we just found out about you. we're sorry to break the news to you this way, miss franklin. oh, no. i... i understand, and thank you for calling. no, no. please don't hang up. miss franklin, there's something more we need to talk about. what? ruthie: it's about albert--lorraine's little boy. lorraine had a little boy? now, what i have before me, miss franklin, are some documents naming you the boy's guardian. what?! oh. oh! no. no. no. no. no. i... uh-uh. no. you know, first you tell me lorraine is dead, and now you tell me she's got a kid, and then you're going to spring on me that i'm supposed to be responsible for it? he's not an ordinary boy, miss franklin. ruthie: he's really a wonderful boy, harriet. antoine: he's a magical boy. was that him? who was that? i'm antoine. harriet: who? albert's good friend. ruthie: the problem is that right now, he is a homeless boy. harriet: well, what about his father? we can't find the father. there is no father. what do you mean, there is no father? the boy wasn't immaculately conceived, was he? listen, you people, let me explain something to you. i don't have a motherly bone in my body, ok? i'm not a mother. i don't want to be a mother. now, i also assume that this little boy is white, is he not? have you got a problem with that? yeah--just a small one.

'cause i'm black, too, you know, and i think that your sister would be damned upset with you if she thought that you wouldn't take albert because you think that black gets in the way! harriet: that's not what i said. it didn't bother his mother, and you grew up with white folks, didn't you? what has my growing up with white folks have to do with me raising some little white boy? it's who you are. you are the closest thing that he's got to blood! you understand the alternative would be to place him in the state system, miss franklin? no-- god!

what happens now?

bye. bye, albert. antoine: bon voyage. albert! don't you even want to say good-bye to your friends? no. bye-bye, albert! albert, bye-bye. au revoir! loudspeaker: good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard american airlines flight 362 with nonstop service to newark international airport. our flying time to newark will be 4 hours and 30 minutes, and we'll be cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet. now we invite you to sit back and relax, enjoy your flight to newark, and thanks again for choosing american.

so, hi. you been in an airplane before? yes, ma'am. you traveled all alone before? no. my name is florence. what's yours? albert. are you named after anybody? frank sinatra. well, aren't you special! do your mom and dad listen to his records all the time? my mom was his friend. oh, that must have been nice. what about your daddy? he's...

dead. oh. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. well, i have some crayons here and a game book...

and i'll bring you a snack, and after that we'll do lunch and a movie. ok, albert?

merci. huh? i said, merci. je vous en prie. what, son? nothing.

tu parles francais? mr. antoine taught me je vous en prie andbonjour and comment ã§a va and merde! you know those? you talking to me, son? uh-uh. i wonder, could you make it a little bigger, my nose? sure. bigger. bigger. more bigger. don't be afraid. is very big nose. what do you think? maybe more hair, huh? sure. more. oh, yes, more, more, more! good, good, good!

big eyes. bigger eyes, eh? good! good. merci beaucoup. do you want glasses? it's ok. i have contacts. what is it, son? nothing. ooh, she's fish-face. hello, fish-face, eh? i know.

oh, she scares me. come on, let's go.

excuse me. mm-hmm.

man in drawing: hello. hello. could i come out, please? sure.

ow! wow! you're so big. i am big. i am stupendous, colossal, amazing, fantastic, magnificent, exceptional. i am... bogus. i'm albert. albert. hmm, albert.

hmm. why are you crying? i miss my mom. mom. oh, mom. is very important thing to have mom. now you have a godmom. very important thing to have a godmom. i don't want a godmom. why not? maybe you will like what you see, hmm? maybe she... she will be amazing, maybe...spectacular. maybe stupendous! colossal? maybe magnificent! maybe unbelievable! bravo! yes! unbelievable! maybe she's the world's greatest godmom! what did he say? what's going on?

harriet: excuse me. excuse me.

the flight from las vegas--is it in? landed 20 minutes ago. i'm looking for a little boy. wait, wait. are you miss harriet franklin? yes. the boy's waiting down at traveller's aid, down level one. take the escalator, turn right. ok. escalator, turn right.

woman: you wouldn't be miss franklin? actually, i would be. woman: oh.

i'm sorry i'm late. the jackson street bridge was out, and i couldn't get across. yes, i'm sure that's true. well, we have to give ourselves a little more time these days, especially when picking up such precious cargo. i'll need to see some identification, please. i'm sorry. passport, driver's lic-- thank you.

boy, do you look like your mother.

woman: i.d. is fine. you have to sign right there. great. are you a card player? oh, no. he's a magician. he can make the ace of spades turn into the queen of hearts. looks like he's on sale. can i take the tag off? usually the tag's taken off at the gate when they're picked up. i said i was sorry. mm-hmm. ok. let me get your tag off here.

sorry. there you go. woman: thank you. so get your backpack and... we'll go. what's in the parcel? my pillow. oh. ok. let's go. woman: good luck, albert. that's it. no more shortcuts for me. i know better. you know, there's no shortcuts in life. i'm sure you know that. i know that. it's the kind of thing where you just have to concentrate. because i don't know how i got here. i'm not sure i am here. you know what? i don't think i'm here. as a matter of fact, i think i'm not really here. as a matter of fact, i am an alien space monster, and i'm going to eat you up! aah! what's the matter? my coloring book. what about it? i left it on the airplane. we'll get you another one. i need that one! hey, i'm going to get towed away! loudspeaker: flight 106 from st. louis now arriving at gate 61.

never mind. it's ok. we can go now. oh, well, i'm relieved, because we weren't going back to get a coloring book. it's all right. she's nervous. she's a space monster. she has funny hair, huh? i know. you know what? i don't know. oh. hey! what are you doing? don't write that ticket, man. i had to pick up the little boy. he was traveling by himself in traveller's aid. don't you have kids? no. well, listen. it wasn't that long. i wasn't here but 3 minutes.

15. i was not here 15 minutes. i would know if i was here 15 minutes. get in the car. if i was here 15 minutes, i would not be fooling around with you. what are you doing? get in! i wasn't here 15 minutes. i was here 3 minutes. why are you writing a ticket? i'm not paying it, i'm just telling you now. don't pay it, lady. pay your lawyer.

do you believe that guy had the nerve to give me a ticket? i mean, there's drug addicts out there, there's crazy people starting fires, running around naked, and what is this guy doing-- the police department, our fabulous police department? giving me a ticket. i work every day. i pay rent. i could have been picking up a loved one or something. oh, loved one. that sounds good. well, can't cry about it. cannot cry about it. play cards, huh? bogus: he does magic. i do magic. you do magic, huh? good. bogus: yes, yes. you do the french pass. i know. you know what? nothing. why do you keep saying "i know"? tell her you are thinking. i was thinking. oh, good. that's something we can do together--think. think. think.

harriet: this is it.

277 barrow. that's where we live. can you remember that?

277. yeah.

now, listen, uh--

277 barrow? yeah. i've always lived alone, so we're going to have to have some rules, ok? you ok with rules? sometimes.

do you have to go to the bathroom? because if you do, it's down the hall. now, i've only got one, so we're going to have to figure out what we want to do. i don't want you to leave toothpaste in the sink because it's really nasty. i'll try not to do the same thing. the other thing is i would really appreciate it if you would put down the toilet seat because-- well, it's just because it's courteous.

oh. i gave the mets a pretty good deal on some coffee mugs, so they gave me a baseball. i have a baseball signed by liza minelli. why would liza minelli sign a baseball? the sahara hotel was playing the hilton hotel on sunday. my mom took me, and mr. antoine got liza minelli to sign a ball. it says, "to my favorite all-star, from liza minelli." engelbert humperdinck hit a home run in that game.

well, you know, i don't really get engelbert humperdinck. he's nice. picked me up once. he's strong.

* please release me

* let me go are you hungry? no. well, you have to eat something. come in here. i got us a couple of tv dinners.

albert: what kind? harriet: fish cakes. fish cakes? oh, no. you like fish, don't you? it's like brain food. we like nachos. we like nachos. well, we don't have no nachos. we have fish cakes. we have fish cakes with cauliflower and brownies. that's what we have. here are the plates, and here are the cups. styrofoam?! they're not biodegradable. that's too bad, because i got 2,500 of them. they're all misprinted, so i got stuck with them. i think it's too early to talk about biodegradable. no, no. she's a polluter. what? nothing.

why don't i show you your room?

i want to go home. she's nervous. she scares me. i'll stay by your side like krazy glue. promise?

i never break a promise. harriet: who are you talking to? nobody.

harriet: mumbling all the time. i don't know what you're talking about. you notice i got you your own television set, and if you look out the window, you'll see there's a park. in the park, there's a playground. if anybody says anything to you, run. now, we're looking into boys' clubs and ys for you because i'm going to be working all the time. i don't have time to spend with you, you know, because i'm trying to expand my business. i'm actually trying to buy a warehouse supply.

yeah, well... we're looking into summer camps for you, too. you like summer camp? my mom took me places in the summer. oh. well, i can't do that because, obviously, i have a business to run.

cupboard's over there. bathroom's down the hall. i put some little mickey mouse soaps in there for you. want to take a bath? i'll go run you a bath. i'll run you a bath. oh, and don't mess with the fire escape. it's off-limits. you know, i heard you're good in school. do you like school? i guess so. miss everybody, huh? your mom and... say yes. yes.

well, you're just going to have to... deal with it. you know, you got to get strong. got to learn to grow up. you don't always get choices in life. your mom had to do it. i had to do it. we had to grow up.

we grew up.

your mom was my best friend. she was my real pal.

you can put your things away, can't you? he wants you to tell him a big hello. he wants you to tell him you like his face. why don't you pick him up and give a big, big kiss on his face? i don't want her to pick me up. oh, yes, you do. ooh! no, i don't. oh, you cry? cry. is good to cry. i won't cry! i won't watch tv, and i won't go to summer camp, and i won't wash my hands with mickey mouse. maybe minnie? no. goofy? no. i want to go home! but you have no ticket. i have my own money. it's all here. i can use it for whatever i want to. i have my own insurance policy that my mother left me. i'm going to be really rich. it's for college, you know? she doesn't know anything about baseball. all she does is talk about newark. i hate newark. i hate it! she--she--she wants... she needs a friend, huh? you should try. i don't want to try. yes, you do. no, i don't! yes, you do. no, i don't! ye...

i want to go back to vegas. i don't like it here. i don't want to try. albert? your bath's ready.

albert, let's go.

it's down here.

i ran a tub for you. i don't know how you like it, so maybe it's too hot. you'll get in and let me know. i put some of this in. it's big bird.'s all ready.

do you need me to take your cl-- i can wash myself. oh! great. i'm going to fix dinner.

i can't live here. if i live here, i'll die. bogus: you cannot die. you just got here. besides, if you die, what will you do tomorrow? what will i do? i could lose my job. if you die, i'm back waiting for someone to make me up again. back where? back where i come from. where's that? that is where i am before you make me up. hmm?

before i drew your picture? are there other people there? ooh! ooh. everybody you can imagine. my mother? you should wash behind the ears. i want to go home. i don't like it here. i want to see my mother. albert... your mother is dead. i hate that word! i want to go to where you live. this is where i live, you know? here it is. where--where you live, i live. this is not where i live. is! isn't! is! isn't! isn't! isn't! isn't! albert, are you all right in there? huh? bogus: say yes. yeah. great. well, hurry up. dinner's almost ready.

she's hungry. ha ha ha!

albert, dinner's ready. i'm not hungry. well, come on. it turned out great. i don't want any. come on. you got to eat something. i don't want any! fine. fine.

albert? albert, i made you a sandwich.

woman: this must be harriet. this is mrs. franklin, harriet--your foster mother. hi. this is your new home. mrs. franklin: come in.

this is harriet, everybody. this is mr. franklin, richard, david. hello, harriet. and this is lorraine. hi. hi. you're going to sleep in my room, and we can be best friends.

bogus: albert, are you hungry? what's in the sandwich?

oh! peanuts. peanuts butter.

no, thank you. no, thank you.

man: slow down! slow down! no running in the hallways. you know the rules. ok, ms. franklin. i'll take albert to his class. you can pick him up at 2:45. say good-bye, albert. bye. listen to your teachers... and don't get into trouble. i'll be on the steps at 2:45. be there.

you hear what she said? yes.

woman: all right. i'm going to have to call you back. good morning, harriet. what, don't i exist? good morning, harriet. so? how is he? what's he like? i don't know. he's like a little boy. does he like his room? did you feed him? he wasn't hungry. he doesn't like styrofoam cups because they're not biodegradable. of course not. he's a kid. he's got convictions. so? what did you guys talk about? what did he have to say? he didn't say much of anything to me. he talked to his friend. the child is obviously not alone. he's got a friend? mm-hmm. and i can't tell you anything about him because he's invisible and i can't see him. i had a little friend when i was growing up. little bitty thing. can't remember her name, but she lived in my ear, and she wore a tuxedo, and she whispered things to me i never knew about. she made me feel safe. i couldn't have survived without her. drudella. yeah. that was her name.

excuse me! do i have any appointments today? you can see the hudson brothers at 10:00. if you want to drop in on springer, he's interested in the cocktail glasses at the march 30th rate. did bob morrison call? he just called. he can meet you at the warehouse at 3:00. i have to pick up albert at 2:45. you can make it. i can't. you're going to have to pick him up. i got the dentist at 3:00. take him with you. i'll pick up albert if you have the root canal. no! see...i knew this wasn't going to work out. this is not going to work. i haven't had a conversation with a child since i was a child, and now i got one sitting on the steps waiting for me to pick him up at 2:45.

goddamn! goddamn! goddamn!

maybe she's not coming. boy: listen to him. she'll come. boy: there's no one there. albert: maybe she'll never come. this kid's really nuts. let's go. she'll be mad. i don't care. hey, weirdo, where are you going? boy: hey, albert, who you talking to? come on. soundtrack: * me and my shadow

* strolling down the avenue

* me and my shadow

* i need a friend to tell my troubles to * that's a big truck.

look, look, look! hey, fish face!

hey, look out! cabbie: watch out, kid. why wasn't somebody watching him? we can't watch them every minute. we're doing the best that we can. the parents got to assume some responsibility, too. you were late. you know that. what are you telling me, i'm irresponsible because i don't control the traffic in newark? you should have left earlier! hey, you 2 kids. did you see albert? you know, the new student. did you see him? he went back to las vegas. talking to himself. you cover the streets and the park. i'll check out the yard here. don't worry. we'll find him. you 2 kids go on home. hey, lady! your kid's weird.

come here.

you want to see something really weird? sure. go home and look at your mothers! aah!

yoo hoo!

eat lead, mutant scum! aah!

i'm...dying! huh!

aah! aah! ha ha ha! albert: whoo whoo whoo whoo!

aah! i got you!



albert. albert! what are you doing? do you know that everybody's looking for you? come on! what is the matter with you? do you know that the whole school is looking for you? and where are you? laying here in the park talking to yourself. you don't even know what direction you're going. you live that way. hey! excuse me. i was here looking for my lost son. get in the car. he was lost. he's just a little white boy, doesn't know where he's going. he's trying to find his way home. aren't we all? no. we all are not. i know where i live. i live that way. i've always known where i lived. please, spare me any kind of philosophy you getting ready to throw. hakuna matata.

disney cartoons everywhere you turn. disney, disney, disney. people having conversations with themselves. like you. you know how strange you look having a conversation by yourself? i have a theory about that. if i can't see it, it doesn't exist. that's because you don't believe in magic. yeah, well... i don't. you know why? because when i was a little kid, they used to have this show on tv called peter pan. had this grown woman in it named mary martin dressed up like a little boy, which i don't even want to get into now. so this little fairy gets sick, right? tinkerbell. she drinks the poison that captain hook left for peter. yeah. whoever, whatever. anyway, they said, "well, if you believe in magic, "why, then, you just clap your hands, and she'll get better. yeah, if you believe, clap your hands, ooh! she'll get better." let me tell you something: i didn't believe, so i didn't clap my hands, and you know what? she got better anyway, which just goes to show you there is no such thing as magic. people just try to make you believe that there is. i watched that video with my mom. we always clapped our hands.

yeah, well...

ha ha! you can't believe-- i got caught in a detour. you know, they're tearing up allen street. come on, harriet. nobody takes allen street. you take rose, and you cut across the 92. so you brought your bodyguard, huh? albert, mr. morrison. hi. bob. come on. i just want to show you this.

harriet: isn't this great? isn't this spectacular? isn't it everything i said it was going to be? i mean, it's amazing. look at this place! and you know what's wonderful about it? it has its own 2 trucks. albert, don't break anything. i don't own it yet. and leave that cat alone. bob, so, can you see what i can do here? you can make a lot of soup. bob, i'm serious. i take you seriously, harriet. i always did. you know that. well, then, make the numbers work. put it together, bob, and make it work. albert: wow!

bogus: vanilla. what do you want? oh, uh... strawberry! strawberry? what? ok, strawberry. strawberry. and chocolate. chocolate. bananas.

* tutti-frutti once and spumoni twice *

* banana split for my baby *

* and a glass of plain water for me *

* spray the whip cream for at least an hour *

* pile it as high as the eiffel tower * nuts!

* load it with nuts, about 16 tons *

* top it with a pizza just for fun *

* banana split for my baby

* and a glass of plain water for me *

* banana split for my baby

* and a glass of plain water for me * why wrap yourself up in this place? it's like a big tomb. all your vitality, why do you want to bury it in here? well, because this is good, bob. this is a good investment. i'll do my best.

bob: that looks good. what do you got there? a banana split! uh-huh. may i have a taste?

mmm! that's good! you know, i have a boy your age. i'm giving him a birthday party in a couple of weeks. like to come?

sure. good! you like a party, don't you, harriet? oh, yeah! got to go. wait a minute, bob. there's so much i want to show you. i've seen enough. i'll run some numbers and get back to you. so long, albert. don't get no tummy ache. so long, bob. harriet: run the numbers, bob. i'll do the best i can, harriet.

ask her if she wants a banana split. she won't. she won't what? nothing. come on.

listen, uh... this is the deal. i brought him here to show him all of this because i want him to give me the money to get it. now because of you, we're going to a party, so i want you to take bob aside, and i want you to say, "bob, this investment is great for your bank." repeat that to me right now. both: this investment is great for your bank.

albert, can i ask you a question? who do you talk to all the time? bogus. bogus. and, uh...where's your friend come from? france. he's french. french. oui. oui. listen, albert, i got to tell you. i'd feel a lot more comfortable if you had some visible friends. see, then i wouldn't care if they were from france or germany or ethiopia. tell her about ethiopia. ethiopia is in the northern part of africa. children in ethiopia are very hungry. there's a drought there. that means no rain. liza minnelli went there once with shirley maclaine. mom told me audrey hepburn made them come.

how do you know all that? i wrote a report. my mom helped me.

you want a root beer?

you know, albert, you're so smart. i...i just don't think you need that french guy anymore. let me take care of him.

say there, mr. bogus, i don't think albert-- albert: that's not where he is. he's not teeny-tiny? he's bigger than you are. oh.

oh! ha ha! of course he is! look at him standing right over there. listen, it's time for you to go back to france. you know, albert doesn't really need you anymore. i know! no, i know that you're not happy here in newark. you hate newark. i know you do. oh. well, no, you agree. of course. ha ha! thank you. well, it's been real. bye-bye now. au revoir.

voila. he's gone. you didn't really see him. of course i did. what was he wearing? a coat. a big coat. a big, french coat. what color was it? brown. he was wearing a big, french, brown coat, and he said to say good-bye, so why don't you finish your spaghetti, have an oreo cookie, and i'm going to finish my phone calls, ok? see, we're working it out, albert.


bogus. bogus?



bogus, you can come out now. bogus: rrrr... oh! where were you? why did you disappear? she fooled you. she fooled me, too, for a minute. i thought i was gone. pendent une minute, j'ai cru que j'etais parti.

albert: i don't want you to leave me again. that's an order. oui, mon general. you're my friend, and i want you to always be my friend. for as long as you need me. i'll always need you. you're my best friend. my only friend. you're my mon ami. i am your best friend. i know you better than anyone. better than anyone. better than you know yourself.

bogus, faintly: hello.

hello. harriet? hello? hello. would you like to see me? mmm...



harriet: albert, were you in my room last night? albert: no.

let's go. uhh!


woman: words starting with "a." anybody else? girl: artichoke. artichoke. what a wonderful word, angela. that will be fun to use in a sentence. i'll show you how to spell it. angela: i know how to spell it. boy: how about alaska? good, thomas. alaska's a good subject. it's our country's largest state. i know that. uh, words beginning with "b." albert? bogus. bogus. well, what a grown-up word. can you tell me what it means? it means... friend. i'm afraid that's not right, albert. bogus is a word you'll use when you're a little older. it means fake. something that is not real. no, bogus is real. bogus is not real. the word bogus means just the opposite of real. it means pretending to be real. something not being what it seems to be. it's very important you not confuse the meaning of words. ha ha! what are you looking at, albert? what's so funny? mmm...nothing. well, now, then, albert, can you tell me the correct meaning of the word bogus?

it means... friend. no, no, no! bogus means fake! bogus is not fake! don't you shout at me, young man! no, bogus is real! he's always been real!

all right. all right, um... we'll talk about this later on. you can sit down.

um...we'll go on. words starting with the letter "c." boy: oh, right here. jeffrey.

bob morrison's kid's birthday party. uh-uh. tell him i'm in philadelphia. oh, come on, harriet. it will be fun. it will be good for albert. he'll meet other kids. what scares you about a birthday party? take it out of my paycheck. who said anything about being scared? i'm not scared of anything. then what's your problem? penny: he's 7.

7. his mother died. he loved her. he's got to work it out. i know he's 7. i know his mother died. i also have to work it out. but you're not 7. some part of me is 7! let the part that's 7 be friends with his 7. what are you, sigmund freud? stop analyzing me. you are my secretary!

take the kid to the party.

man: are you ready for a surprise? children: yeah! it's me, dr. surprise! yay! yay!

do you like surprises? yes! yes! bob: harriet, harriet, harriet. ha ha ha! here's a party hat for you. i don't-- uh, yes, harriet. yes, yes, yes. hey, doug. hi, bob. how are you? long time no see. here's a hat for you. kid's having a great time, harriet. oh, yeah. have some cake. i don't-- come on, harriet. have a piece of cake. this is a nice house. well, i got the house. my wife got the money. yes. i always thought it was the other way around. listen, um... about the loan-- it's a party, harriet. we'll talk about it later. children: yay! is everybody having fun at dougie's birthday party? yeah! yeah! and now, i want you to feast your eyes on the magic closet: dr. surprise's cabinet of mystery! ha ha ha! ho ho! the one and only place that's guaranteed to show you things as they really are. it's the double-door trick. magic wand, oh, magic wand. choose, magic wand... that lovely lady across the lawn! please, come up and help us. yeah, you. yes. no. no, thank you. get somebody else. you're the one. no, i'm not. just do your magic trick. are we going to let this lady get away from the magic closet? no! no! then let's find out who she really is. go and get her! ha ha ha! no! come on, now! stop! ha ha ha! ho ho ho! girl: ow! i'm sorry. tell her i didn't mean to hurt her. ok, kids, come on. back to your seats. come on, right now. hurry up, everyone. choose me, dr. surprise. i'll do it. what's the matter with you, harriet? i told him i didn't want to play. i said no! dr. surprise: just settle down, kids. settle down. yes. are you ready for another surprise? yes! yes! woman: what am i supposed to do? right into the box, my little cinnamon bun. here is the big surprise! are you ready in the closet? woman: yes, i am, dr. surprise. ha ha ha! sim sola bim!

huh! momma! where's my momma?

dr. surprise isn't really a very good magician. no, he's not.

that's pretty good.

i hold it this way, and you can't see it. and i do this. see? and it drops down here. see? it's called the french pass. more french, huh? i've got a better one. mr. antoine taught me. he's the best magician in las vegas. look, i don't have time for this right now. i have these bills i have to pay. i just really don't have time.

albert: i hate her! i hate her!

he wants to show you a trick. that's all. why you push him away?

and now you feel so bad. harriet, why do you want to feel so bad?

what is this? belasco's 12,456 pink coasters.

i will be so glad when i'm out of the coaster business.

let me get you a cup of coffee. what's wrong? bob morrison called this morning. yeah? he said the bank won't give you the loan. he says he really wishes he could, but he doesn't think he can get it through the loan committee. he doesn't think he can get it through? get him on the phone. he's out of town all day. you can't reach him. he gave me his home number in case you want to talk to him later. i don't want to talk to him later. i want to see him face-to-face tonight. get on the phone, and tell him i want to see him tonight. what about albert? i'll get the lady downstairs. she'll babysit. she doesn't charge for invisible friends. man: what's your order?

2 martinis.

2 martinis. harvey, it seems that veta is having a party this afternoon...

bogus: ohh... it's a bad idea, albert. it's a bad idea. you can't stop me. but it's too far. it's only 2 hours by bus. i saw it in an ad. oh, i don't like this.

it's a bad idea. don't follow me.

do you want to go to atlantic city?

well, thank you, harvey. i prefer you, too. ha ha ha!

harriet: hi. huh? oh, hi. what a lovely movie. everything ok? fine. he's such a good little boy. is he asleep? not a sound. at least not now. he was in there talking to somebody, if you know what i mean. yeah. what do i owe you? uh, $4.00 an hour, that will be $18.00. ok. oh, thank you. you know, when my daughter was small, she used to talk to herself all the time. really? yeah. i even had to set an extra place for somebody named trinket. hell, they were real close. good night. good night.


albert? come on, what are you doing? come on, albert, where are you?




albert! a bad idea.

it's still a bad idea!

bogus: ah, voila. merci!

hi, gomez. it's me, albert.

albert: hi! it's me--albert. albert! but what are you doing here? mon petit chou. mon petit chou. what are you doing here? it will not work. they will send you back. no, they won't. they love me. of course we love you. but how did you get here? on the bus. on the bus? who'd you come with? where's your godmother? where is harriet? where?

i ran away. i'm never going back. i want to stay with you.

i can't believe you have done this, albert. you are crazy! i can do the egg trick. i can do the double disappear. antoine: c'est ridicule. il doit retourner chez sa tante, et le plus tot sera le mieux. ne sois pas bete, antoine. j'essaie de lui dire que c'est une mauvaise idee. you can cut me in half if you want to... and i can learn more. i can do the egg trick. anything you want me to do. quiet down, albert. you rest now, ok? doucement, doucement. i take off your shoes, ok? now rest. rest. and later, we will take you for hot cakes, ok? but we have to call your godmother. i want to stay with you. you cannot stay with us. is impossible. but we love you very, very much. mm-hmm, but is impossible. now sleep.

sleep. oh, magic...sleep. now, you sleep. sleep. no more troubles. just peaceful sleep. hush. sleep. hush, hush. hush. fermez les yeux. close your eyes. shh. hush. sleep. hush.

albert: bogus? bogus? i'm here.

i'm not going back. shh. yes, you will. you have to be strong. she comes for you. i want my mom. i know. i want to find her. i want to go to your world. but i'm not real. i am imagination. i am...bogus.

i don't care. i don't want to be here. take me to where you come from. it's not a real place. it's dangerous. you get lost... and never come back. i'm going, and you can't stop me! albert! albert, come back! albert! albert, albert! come back!

announcer: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one, the only... the great albertini!

watch, because i am about to confound you.

mom? mom!


mom! come back!

antoine: he's been here since we came off the stage. babette: he's anyway totally exhausted. harriet: of course he's exhausted. who the hell sells a bus ticket to a little boy? aren't people paying attention out there? shh. don't wake him. watch him twitch-- i think he dreams. there's something strange. how come a little boy like that can run away in the middle of the night? he's homesick. i still don't understand. you don't have to understand because i'm his godmother. i'm taking him home. whether you want to or not. i don't recall getting any phone calls. you guys never even checked to see where the hell he was. what about the...

ok, little guy. up we go.

all right.

ok. we're home.

now we'll get into bed. it'll be great. oh, albert, i know we got off to a rough start, but you're just going to have to understand this is where you live now. this is your home. harriet: you know? but, it's probably too late to be talking about this. we can talk about it over breakfast in the morning. you know, i'll make you some french toast from scratch

'cause i know you like french stuff. and maybe--maybe i can find some real syrup-- you know, the kind they have from real trees. i'm sure they must have some somewhere. you feel a little bit cold. maybe i should make you some soup, huh? he doesn't need soup. yeah, i'll make you a little bit of soup. you know, your mom loved soup. there you go. and you? you're supposed to be his best friend. where were you? why would you let him go to atlantic city like that? you're ok? good. you know, bogus, you ought to start doing your job. i do my job? do your job. you don't do it well enough as far as i'm concerned, because i do my job. i do the best that i can. what more can i do? i got albertitis. i'm talking to myself. no. you are talking to bogus. i'm talking to bogus? bogus is an imaginary character on some little boy's wall. you're not real. no. it's time to see me, harriet. see you? i don't see anything. where are you? i'm here. where? here, harriet.

just behind you. don't be afraid. try. i'm here. believe, harriet, and you will see.

i'm waiting.

aah! don't be afraid! stop, harriet. don't be afraid. there's a big white man in my kitchen! get out of here! get away from me! no, no, no! harriet! i'm a part of you, harriet. no. go away. you are such a difficult woman. i said, go away. how can i go away? like this. oh! oh, you want to play dirty? ow! stop that! that hurt. what's the matter with you? i said i didn't want to play. you have to play. i don't have to play with you! this is all your fault, you know that? if not for you, this little boy would be fine. it's better i'm here. you need me, harriet. oh, really? yeah. i need a big imaginary frenchman who comes in and messes up my life? no. this is nuts. no, it's not nuts. is imagination. where is your imagination, harriet? my imagination is fine. i see you, don't i? oh, there is more to see. oh, really? oh, that's right. that's right. all right, so i should play with this because really what you are is some little acorn in my stomach that i ate from some damn doughnut. sort of, yes. and there's 3 of you? is there a past, present, and future? yes. oh, i see. ok. so at the end, you're going to show me how good a person i can be, and in the beginning, you're going to show me what a sad little girl i was, aren't you? you're going to take me back and show me the little harriet who used to sit around and wait for people to come and play with her and wait for mail from her mother, and nobody ever wrote. you going to sit around, you going to explain that to me? i understand. i've been waiting for that. really? yeah. where were you? where were you when i needed you? when i was little? i was there. oh, yeah? yeah. right. right.

this little boy doesn't even like me. oh, yeah? no. he would like the harriet i see. the true harriet. la vraie. the one who is gentle. not afraid to play. not afraid to love. not afraid to trust.

the real harriet would dance... with a clumsy frenchman... if he asked her?

bogus: it's time to bring albert back. tell him you see me.

harriet: albert? hey, albert? i saw him. albert? albert!

albert! albert! god.

albert. i'm coming, boy.

albert? albert.


come on, take my hand. come on.

lorraine: albert? go to harriet. come on, albert. i'm right here. ugh! albert!

lorraine: you can do it. go on. harriet: that's right. that's it. go on, albert. take her hand. reach. come on. take her hand. you can do it. take my hand. come on. you can do it, albert. come on, one more step. come on. don't be scared. come on. yeah. all right, i got you. come on, give me your other hand. oh, all right. yeah. yeah. oh, god. oh, my god. oh. oh. oh. oh.

oh. listen, the next time you decide to run away, do it on the ground, ok? i don't want to run away. good.

'cause i don't want you to.

tell him you want him here. i want you here. i need you. i really need you. tell her you need her, too. i need you, too. good.

'cause i want to try to make us into a family, ok? tell her you want that, too. me, too.

bogus: i'll try to be a good mother. that's pushing it. i'll try. you hungry? uh-huh. good. and now the soup. come on. harriet: you know, your mom did this to me once. albert: my mom ran away? harriet: yeah. she used to run away all the time. albert: really?

come on, albert. let's go. what are you doing? you can't run through a graveyard. stop, boy, stop! pow! got you. i tried to be nice, albert, but you wouldn't listen. got you. oh. i think you got me through the heart. albert: that was a good one, harriet! albert, slow down! albert: come on, harriet! au revoir.

well, it's funny. when they need us, we are there. big "hello," big "let's be friends that never parts forever and forever." but when it's done... poof! we disappear. they never say good-bye. they never see us go. oh, sometimes they remember us...later. maybe not. but...i cannot complain. it's my job, you know.


oh, by the way... if you need me, i am available, hmm?

* anyone can see we're good together *

* we're a perfect match

* everything we do, we do together *

* when you itch, i scratch *

* you know what's mine is yours *

* in riches or in rags

* you have my guarantee

* and if you take a trip

* who's carrying your bags? you'll see *

* it's me

* and when it comes to tried and true companions *

* we're the best of all

* nothing in the world can separate us *

* when you slip, i fall *

* what would we do without each other *

* oh, when you sleep, i snore *

* and that's exactly what the best of friends are for... *

* ...we're a great duet

* masters of the ancient art of teamwork *

* when you're hot, i sweat *

* you read me like a book

* i know what makes you tick *

* we're soul mates through and through *

* no matter where you go

* i promise that i'll stick like glue *

* to you

* you're lookin' at a pair of kindred spirits *

* only way to fly

* partners who will always help each other *

* when you wash, i dry *

* know that we can't do without us *

* now and forevermore

* and that's what the very best of friends are for... *

* lookin' at a pair of kindred spirits *

* only way to fly

* partners who will always help each other *

* when you wash, i dry *

* we know that we can't do without us *

* now and forevermore

* and no matter what the journey's ends are *

* how difficult the river's bends are *

* that's what the very best of friends are for *

* friends will loan you money *

* yeah, and make your little dark times sunny *

* they sure will

* that's what the very best of friends are for *

* yeah

* they ain't gonna leave you on no sinkin' ship *

* that's the thing about friendship *

* mmm