Boogie Woogie (2009) Script

Look at that. That one's gonna be-


Fucking Christ.

You're a fucking narcissist, Elaine.

It's all about you at the end of the day.

Sure, it's about me. It's a fucking self-portrait.

You're just a self-absorbed, self-obsessed, selfish, second-rate, so-called artist who can't even draw a straight fucking line.

Let's not get into this.

And anyway, I don't draw. I do video art.

"I do video art."

My God.

No.

No.

Bob, Jean.

Don't go in there.

Fucking assholes going into that cocksucking bastard's gallery.

Motherfuckers!


Read it back.

"Dear Alfreda, I am sending you

"this excellent account

"of the raising of the Mary Rose.

"I was fortunate enough to come across a tabor pipe

"found in an early wreck, "and I would be grateful

"if you would accept this small token to celebrate our friendship."

Yes.

On further consideration, we think that 15 million would be a fair valuation for the painting.

"Dear Mr. Spindle, "thank you for your letter concerning the Mondrian.

"I have in the past discussed with my husband

"the possible sale of this work.

"As you may be aware, "my husband bought the painting from the artist himself

"and has, understandably, a strong sentimental attachment to it."

I find this all very difficult, Robert.

I mean, I wish I'd never even contemplated the idea.

It's just- I don't know.

Never mind.

Well, if the sale at Sotheby's is successful, then maybe it won't be necessary to-

No, I know. I know.

But he's so insistent.

He's like some ghastly hypnotist.

And over the past two weeks, he's sent me dozens of unreadable books on marine archaeology and enough flowers for a funeral, and these missives, almost like love letters.

They are intimate, it has to be said.

Look, "Your intelligence resonates

"like the echo of a seashell.

"The elegance of your opinion stands out against the debris of modernity."

Well, perhaps he simply has strong feelings for you.

Could be his mother.

Verdammt.

Really, you do underestimate yourself.

What?

Grossman's offered him 60-40?

Well, what does he want?

70?

No goddamn way!

I built Schneider up, God damn it.

If he wants to join a bunch of second-rate artists in a second-rate gallery, well, then let him.

I hear that Grossman has cash flow problems.

Yes, well, he's always got cash flow problems.

You want to know why?

Because he's a fucking idiot.

By the way, the Rhinegolds are selling two paintings at Sotheby's.

Well, if they'd let me sell their goddamn Mondrian, they wouldn't have to sell their collection.

I mean, what is wrong with these people?

I guess they're attached to it.

Art should not be allowed to stagnate.

There's a price for everything.

There's always a price.

Bob, Jean.

Hi, Art.

How the hell are you?

You look great.

Handsome as always.

Try my best. Bob.

Good.

That's a great spin painting.

Wow.

That is so alive.

It's fantastic. How much?

Well, the Havermeyers have reserved it.

You're joking.

No.

You should call me first when you get something like that.

How much was it?

I shouldn't say.

Come on, Art.

We don't have any secrets, do we?

400,000.

Wow.

His prices are going through the roof.

And this is an early one.

It's a spectacular painting, truly beautiful.

You know, I was looking at those Newmans the other day, and it struck me how exciting it must have been to suddenly have a new language in art.

I feel that Hirst must have had that same sensation.

There's something else I want to show you, something that came in the other day.

Buzz!

Bring in the Currin.

God, I love John's work.

He's so great, isn't he?

And that Rachel is just adorable.

Would you like some champagne, water?

No, we're just stopping by.

Yes, I would love some water.

Thank you, Art.

Sparkling.

Certainly.

Nature calls.

You know where it is, don't you, Bob?

So?

Your hair looks beautiful, Jean.

Thank you, Art.

Are you going to the Schneider show in New York?

I was- I was thinking of it, yeah.

Can I come?

Sure.

Do you think Bob might like to come?

You know.

He does his thing, and I do mine.

I found a great space.

Really?

Where?

Near Hoxton Square.

I love that area.

These.

You like?

They're fantastic.

I like those.

Well-

Those are amazing.

Well, they're okay, but those are better.

They're more rounded like that Botticelli at the National Gallery.

Bob, I got to make a decision soon.

Okay.

Go for these.

No, I mean about when to leave the gallery.

Well, just wait till the last minute.

Then break it to him.

What's this?

That is Mondrian's very first "Boogie Woogie" painting.

Isn't it incredible?

It's a masterpiece.

That's what it is.

Is it for sale?

We're working on it.

Will you let me know when it is?

Well, I mean, that wouldn't be very professional.

Come on, blue eyes.

Yes?

Yeah, Havermeyers.

I got to go.

The Havermeyers are in the gallery.

I think it's a masterpiece.

Wow.

I love that.

Wow.

He's just amazing.

Art.

It's fantastic.

It's absolutely fantastic.

Fabulous.

And I just had to bring it out.

I understand.

How much?

Beth, darling, I'm sorry to bother you, but did you get the auction results on the Rhinegold paintings?

Really?

Well, I suppose that's good news.

You're invaluable, darling.

Bye.

Got the results of the auction.

It's not good news, I'm afraid.

What, neither?

Well, we still have the jewel in the crown.

I know. I know.

Robert.

Somehow, we have to sell this painting, and soon.

It is inevitable.

However, I do not think that Mr. Spindle's offer is reflective of market conditions.

What do you mean?

It has come to my attention that perhaps the painting is undervalued.

What, do you mean Mr. Spindle is hoping for a bargain?

In a manner of speaking.

I see.

Baudelaire.

Is that dry enough?


And that one's beautiful over there.

I think he's great, because, you know, he's such a clever artist.

He takes things that normally we would associate with ugliness and, you know, nastiness, like cancer, and then he makes them into something really pretty and beautiful.

I mean, look at this.

It's like a sort of close-up of a smoothie or something.

No, I'm gonna call you right after.

Trust me.

Okay.

You too. Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.


I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?

Can I borrow a hundred quid? A hundred?

Yeah, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.

Promise.

My God. It's Jo Richards.

So?

Who?

Come on, girls.

The artist.

Beth's boyfriend.

I'm an artist.

I haven't got time for jobs and stuff.

Time?

I work all day.

Just pay me back next week and not next year, okay?

Okay.

The little made large.

It's the central theme of all poetry.

It's a microcosm of a macrocosm.

I don't like it.

Well, we bought it.

No.

Hi.

Hey, Art. It's a great show.

Thanks, Jo. Always a pleasure to see you.

Hi.

Was that Jo Richards you were talking to?

Yes, yes.

I very much like his work.

Great.

I can set up a studio visit for you.

Yes, I'd like that very much.

I hadn't thought about that.

Yes, that would be wonderful.

Jo, Jo.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

It's Dewey.

We met at Sue and Tim's party.

Yeah, right, of course, Dewey. How are you, mate?

Good. Nice to see you. Good to see you.

Do you know Elaine? Have you met?

Don't think so, no.

I'm Jo Richards.

Jo, this is Elaine.

I'm Joany.

Joany, okay.

So how have things been?

Great.

So, Jo, what do you do?

I'm an artist.

Really?

Elaine, come on.

Remember the exhibition we went to see at the ICA with the really beautiful time clock piece?

That was Jo's.

Yeah.

It was nice seeing you, Dewey.

Nice to see you. Yeah, bye.

What are you doing?

Havermeyer.

How nice to see you again.

Jean, nice to see you.

Good to see you.

Really getting fat.

Hey, hi, Beth. Hey.

You look so cute. I love that suit.

What, this old thing? Handsome.

You don't know Elaine and Joany, do you?

Right, yeah, Dewey's always talking about you.

He is?

Yeah, all good, mostly.

I'd love to see your work. What are you doing right now?

Well, at the moment, I'm kind of working on my self-portrait.

A work in progress?

Yeah, right here.

Do you think this would be a good moment to talk to Art?

Um, I don't know.

I mean, he's kind of busy, but we can go check.

Really? Great, great.

Excuse me.

Only if you come and see my work.

Okay, chant for me and cross everything.

Fingers crossed.

Got the picture?

Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

Well, it's great to see you again, Paige.

Yeah, I'm so excited.

I just-

I've always wanted to work in the art world, so...

Well, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

And please send my regards to your papa?

I will. Thank you.

All right.

Got to meet her.

Yes, she's-

Art, do you have five minutes to give Dewey Dalamanatousis?

He's got this great idea for a show, and he's been really bugging me about it.

Do I have to? Please?

Okay, okay.

Are you the doorman?

Just your personal one.

I'm Jo Richards.

The artist Jo Richards?

Yeah.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Well, I'll give it to them for three, and we'll split 100 Gs.

Great.

Come in.

You're one hell of a guy.

You son of a gun.

Bye.

Welcome, Mister-

Dalamanatousis.

I love your show.

Well, thank you.

So what's your idea, Mister-

Dalamanatousis.

Dewey Dalamanatousis.

That's some name.

I did-

Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

It's okay.

I'd like to curate a show called "Deviant Mythology," which is about fly-on-the-wall art, voyeurism, if you like.

Yeah.

Jean said she'd actually mentioned it to you.

Jean?

Jean Maclestone?

Maclestone, yeah.

She actually said you were quite interested in the idea.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Gerard!

Where the hell is my money, God damn it?

Well, it's been over two months.

If I don't get my money by next week, I'm gonna call my lawyers, okay?

Bye.

Look, I'm sorry, but time is money.

Sure.

Maybe you could send me the details of your concept?

Well, actually, I brought along a portfolio...

Which has got my "raison d'etre."

And there's also a copy of my curriculum vitae in there.

Okay, well, I will look through it.

It was nice to meet you.

I'll give you a call, Mister-

Dalamanatousis.

Yes.

Thank you.

I hope that we can work together.

Yes, well, I look forward to it.

Okay. Yes.

Have a nice day.

Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Fucking idiot.

Gosh, I'm so sorry.

I totally forgot to give you my card.

Here you are.

My God, I just assumed he would just jump at it immediately, because it's such a good idea, 'cause I just don't think the London art scene has ever seen anything like this.

You know, it's such a great idea, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Listen, Dewey.

You can't expect the biggest art dealer in London to just jump at your idea for a show like that.

I mean, lower your sights a bit.

You know, I've just been in this game a long time, Elaine.

I could do with a break, you know.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Yes.

Yeah, stop there.

Look now.

Wow.

What do you think?

It's fantastic.

There's a skylight, and this is my showroom.

And that can be my office back there, and I can order people around.

I love it. I love it.

You're happy?

You're amazing.

Who is that?

Charlotte Bailey.

She works at Museum 52.

Cute.

You're a serial philanderer, Elaine.

Do you know that?

You're one to talk.

Come on.

I don't even have a boyfriend... anymore.

That's your fault.

You cramp my style, you lesbian fag hag.

Hello, girls.

You all right?

Where to, then?

Where you off to tonight?

Girls. Hey, how about if I join you?

How about you fuck off?

So what would you like to do?

You're so beautiful.

Damn.

So naughty.

You're smiling.

You'd rather shoot my misery.

You know Joany?

Yeah.

You know she's my girlfriend?

You have very nice breasts.

Joany, what do you think of these boobs?

Aw, Joany's jealous.

Stop it! Stop!

Why don't you get involved?

Ew, you were just kissing someone else.

Don't come near me.

I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna go fuck someone, a guy.

You're gonna go fuck someone? Yeah.

Don't you patronize me, you undersized little whore.

And stop fucking filming me.

A whore?

You only love your fucking self.

Matter of fact, yeah.

Do you want to see me, Joany, being fucked?

Wow.

Jesus fucking Christ!

I love it.

It's so real.

Thanks, Beth. That means a lot.

I mean, you're the first person I've shown it to.

Really?

I don't know. I just felt you'd understand it.

I really appreciate that.

I think it really works.

It's really revealing.

It's very daring.

Watch it!

What do you think, Jean?

I like the space around it, gives it air to breathe.

I liked it better next to Turk's Warhol.

You do?

I mean, Andy would have approved.

It's just absolutely wasted over there.

I don't like it.

You don't like old Constantin?

No, I love Brancusi.

I just don't like it.

Brancush.

It's not Brancusi. It's Brancush.

Don't be such a snob, Bob.

I'm not being a snob.

I just think you should call people by their proper name.

Well, it's not "Par-ee," is it?

It's Paris.

That's different.

Why?

It was never meant to be Brancusi.

It's Brancush.


Bob?

I've got something unbelievable, unbelievable.

I mean, I'm not sure I can say, 'cause it's not quite a done deal, but-

You can tell me, Art.

Come on, tell me.

"Boogie Woogie."

Wow, unbelievable.

Yep, first in the series.

The first "Boogie Woogie"?

Must be worth a fortune.

It's priceless, priceless.

Okay, so how much?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, at least 20 million.

20 mil, wow.

Yeah.

I tell you, it's a beauty.

Hello, it's Dewey.

Anyone home?

Here they are.

Hi.

Hello.

How are you doing?

I'm just gonna get my coat.

Come on.

Light.

Wow, you've been changing things around a bit.

Yes, you know, here and there.

That's good.

All right.

Can you bring them back by tea?

Sure.

Great. No probs.

All right. Let's go.

Did I tell you that we've got Larry Oppenheimer's daughter here?

Larry Oppenheimer's daughter?

Is she cute?

She's real cute and determined.

You know, that fraud investigation, that wiped out her dad, didn't it?

Yeah, well, goddamn intrusive government.

That's what I say.

I mean, he was one of my best clients.

What happened to his collection?

I got his collection right here.

Are you coming to my dinner, Bob?

We sure are.

Okay.

So I'll see you then.

Bye. Bye.

Alfred, we really must talk.

What about?

About our financial situation.

It's not so bad.

Darling, we're down to our last beans.

Don't be ridiculous.

I've just had the quote from the insurance company.

I have nothing else to sell.

We have the "Boogie Woogie."

You want to sell the Mondrian?

I got it from the master himself.

It is a masterpiece, a meisterwerk.

You want to sell off our most prized possessions.

And for what?

To pay a few lousy bills?

I went to the studio of Mondrian, and I bought it from him.

It's been a part of my collection.

It is the envy of all London.

I am known for that painting.

Spindle?

16 million.

Darling, you've lived with the painting for 50 years.

Now it's time for somebody else to have the pleasure of owning it.

And besides, we can collect other artists.

They're all shit.

It's like trading gold for potatoes.

And you, why are you standing there?

This is a private conversation.

Always snooping around.

My God, Paige, what happened?

I fell over in the park.

That looks bad.

No, it's really not.

Sit down over there.

Right here.

Take this down.

Okay.

My dear Alfreda, it was a great pleasure to see you on Wednesday.

After further consideration...

Can you bend it?

Does it hurt?

I mean, yeah, it hurts a little bit.

Where?

Just on this side.

I've got some cream.

My doctor prescribed it to me when I fell down those steps at Christie's.

Dear Lord.

My, my.

It was embarrassing.

I pretended as if nothing had happened, but the pain, the pain!

There you go.

Okay.

Take this down.

After further consideration, we think that 20 million would be a fair valuation for the painting and of course help facilitate the sale.

You know what, Art? I can do this.

It's fine. Honestly, I can-

In a few minutes, you won't feel a thing.

Art, Art- Art.

Excuse me. Yes?

The Havermeyers are in the gallery.

Okay.

"I'm interested in how sight, "which is limited by our biological makeup, "affects observation of what's around us, "and therefore limits perception in general.

"I like to explore these boundaries and through my work exp"-

Fuck work.

Hi, Jean.

Jo.

You found it.

Hello.

I brought Picasso. I hope you don't mind.

Of course not. Hey, Picasso.

He won't be a bother, I promise.

Sit, sit.

Come in.

Wow.

Here, let me take your coat.

Wow.

So this is where you work.

Yeah, this is it.

Well, the show has to do with peripheral vision.

Right.

I'm interested in how one's sight is limited to our biological makeup.

I want to explore the boundaries which- you know, which define what we can and can't perceive.

Wow.

It's interesting.

I conceived the show when I was, um, I was walking across Park Lane, and this crazy guy in a van almost ran me over.

No.

You know, it just got me thinking, like, how we see and ascertain an object purely by what's in front of us rather than taking into account our peripheral vision.

Right.

I'm going on.

No, no, no.

It's very, very, very interesting.

Now, this is a device I'm constructing.

If you just come forward and put your head here.

Just-just here?

See, and then keep your eye on the object in front.

And take hold of these two levers.

And slowly.

You only become aware of the predators-

Ooh!

Good God, Art.

It's outperforming the FTSE, and that's 20% in a week.

No, yeah.

Well, I'll think about it.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Spindle is outrageous.

He says they want 24 million.

Well, that's 16 for them and 8 commission for Art.

But the old man doesn't even want to sell the picture.

So what's he on about?

Well, they're gonna have to sell.

He's just trying to find their breaking point.

Any way we can help them?

We could go to them direct and offer 18 million.

So are you going behind the back of Art Spindle?

I'm leaving the gallery, right?

Now you're gonna have to put your head inside this little hole.

Really?

In you go. Okay.

To the left and right of you, you have a nonfunctional domestic environment.

Yes.

Yeah, see, if you turn to the left, you're only aware of that object, right?

Now, if you turn to your right.

See, you only are aware of those one object in front of you.

Right.

But if you stare straight ahead...

Yeah.

You suddenly become aware of everything.

Yes.

Have you ever actually used a Chapman?

No.

I mean, just for fun.

You're so silly.

You're not supposed to do that.

Maybe we should end this.

Why?

Well, we're gonna have a professional relationship.

So maybe we should keep it that way.

Well, if I had thought being your sleeping partner would mean not sleeping with you, I wouldn't have got that gallery in the first place, would I?

Come on, Bob.

18 million.

What's my commission?

Let's see.


How long have you been here, Beth?

About five years.

I've paid you well.

I have made you a director of the gallery.

I've introduced you to some of the greatest artists of the day and some of the most influential collectors in our time.

And this?

This is how you repay me?

Why?

I want to start my own gallery.

Do you know how many times I've heard that shit?

If I hear that you have feathered your nest with my client list...

I will make life extremely difficult for you.

But I'm only doing what you would be doing, Art, if you were in my position.

This... is betrayal.

I just want to have my own space showing young artists.

Get out.

Get out!

Paige, get me accounts.

Hi.

I want you to stop all commissions due to Beth Freemantle.

I want a full audit of her expense account.

I want her password blocked from the database, and I want her mobile phone terminated.

Thank you.

That little bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Thank you for coming tonight.

You know, I thought of this show a good five years ago.

And I hope you will agree with me that the result is quite...

Spectacular.

I'd like to thank everybody who has worked at the gallery so tirelessly, tirelessly, to make this exhibition happen.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to bid farewell to- regretfully bid farewell to one of our gallery directors that has been at my side these five years and without whose help this show would not have been possible.

Please raise your glasses to Beth Freemantle.

To Beth.

Cheers. Cheers.

That was really great.

That was very, very moving, Art.

Very moving.

And it didn't work.

So he- three tries.

When he figured out he couldn't sue me, he sued the artist.

I told the judge, "Hey, art doesn't come with a guarantee."

In my humble opinion, Schneider is shit.

What's the dog walker doing here?

Yeah, he tried to sell me some concept.

My dog walker.

Your dog walker?

Yes, my dog walker.

Your dog walker?

Shit.

Beth.

Hey. Hey.

Yeah, I'd love see that.

Hi, Jean.

Hi, honey.

I'd love to see it.

Well, it's more- I told you.

Bob, I told you about it. We talked about it.

No, but that sounds-

He's just-he's had a bit too much to drink.

Wait.

She's your girlfriend, right?

Yeah.

Well, if you want, you could come see the work sometime.

I mean, I'll see it at the gallery, right, you know?

Yeah, but, I don't know.

It would be nice to get your opinion, see what you think of it.

Really?

Hello, Jo.

Jean, hey.

Hi.

Do you guys know each other?

I just- I just had a question.

I had an idea, actually.

Okay, sure.

Can I just take a seat? Yeah.

I got it. No, it's all right.

I've got it. I've got it.

You all right? Yes.

I just had an idea that maybe, maybe we could go somewhere together.

Honey, I think it's a little difficult-

No, no, no.

I mean like New York.

Maybe we can go to New York together.

Yeah, um-

Come on, Jo. I don't know.

I'll introduce you to people like, you know, like Marks and Larry and Andrea and all these wonderful-

Jean, Jean, everybody's here.

I know.

There's my husband.

Let's go to the bathroom.

I don't think we should. No, come on.

I haven't done that in ages.

No, I don't think we should.

Come on, let's go, okay?

Shh.

And as we were leaving, we ran into Ivor Schneider.

So this girl, she can't have been any older than 16.

In fact, I think she was a lot younger.

And as we were talking, I had this really good idea.

Yeah, so we'll do a 50-50 split after cost.

If you need any money to finish your show, then I will finance you.

I really don't know what to say.

Great.

Amazing.

I mean, I can't wait to tell Dewey.

Yeah, what's your relationship with him, by the way?

You said he represents you?

Well, he's kind of been helping me out.

Yeah. I mean, I really like him.

But I mean, I couldn't have him in the middle.

I mean, I hate to say this about him, 'cause he's a friend.

I really love him, but, you know, he has a credibility issue.

Yeah.

Um, well, I can talk to him.

Give him a piece of work or something.

He'll be fine.

Speak of the devil.

Hi. Hi.

I'm having such a great time tonight.

It's really great.

Elaine...

Cheers.

What are you two scheming about?

Have you seen Jo?

He was talking to Jean Maclestone a wee while ago.

Jo, you will come with me to New York, won't you?

Yeah, yeah, don't stop.

She's so funny sometimes.

Yeah.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, hey, Dewey.


Bob, I want a divorce.

Well, Jean, if that's what you want.

Just like that?

I mean, how many years, Bob?

How many years have we been married?

Um, 1987.

That makes-

'86.

No, I think it was '87, Jean.

My God.

'86, Bob.

At Ricky Robenstein's birthday party.

But that was '87.

The next week we flew to Warhol's funeral.

Warhol's funeral was 1986, Bob.

Eighty-fucking-seven.

It was the same year I had my appendix out.

The appendix was 1988, two years after met.

I remember it as if it was just the other day.

It was my appendix, God damn it.

I met you in '86.

Fuck.

Fuck!

Yes, that's all you knew how to do.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Where you gonna go, Art's?

What are you insinuating?

You guys seem to like each other.

We're just friends.

He's gay, anyway.

He is not gay.

Nice shoes.

What the fuck?

Hello?

Who?

Jean Maclestone?

Fuck.

Don't make a sound.

Shit.

I just walked out on Bob.

You just walked out on Bob?

Isn't that a bit extreme?

I'm going for a divorce.

Divorce?

I've had enough, Art.

God.

I don't want to be kicked out on my arse when it's all too late, you know?

I don't want to be left when I'm old and cranky and look like the butt end of a rhino.

You know what I mean?

I mean, I don't-

I don't want to stagnate in some Notting Hill mansion watching him screw secretaries, and then one day when it suits him, leave me and marry one of them.

Art, I'm not gonna talk about this right now.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of 20 years of marriage.

20, 20.

I don't think you know what it's been like.

That's my cat.

I want to live, Art.

I want to go to bars.

I want to go to Rio and Moscow and Cambodia.

I want my own place.

I want my own friends.

I want to stay up all night.

God.

I don't want to hear about the next property deal or, God, the Arsenal score or Matisse's coiffure or have, long discussions about how he met Warhol or how many inches of space the Basquiat should have around it!

God.

You know what I mean?

I've had enough.

I guess we've just grown apart.

Jean.

We have got nothing in common except a taste for collecting art.

Jean.


Last night I met this totally hot, totally cute guy.

And guess what.

He was smart as well.

I mean, can you imagine?

I told him all about our show, and he was so into it, and he totally got your work.

It was just amazing.

I got you something, Dewey.

Ooh.

My God.

Elaine, this is my favorite one.

I've got the perfect frame for that.

Wow, I can't believe it.

Thanks, darling.

It's for all the support you've been giving me.

You didn't need to do that, though.

Wow.

We need to talk about our working relationship.

And...

Okay.

You know how you're involved in my work and stuff.

Yeah, what do you mean, Elaine?

Beth wants to deal with me directly.

Well, where does that leave me?

I see.

Dewey, Dewey, come on.

This is the art world.

This is how it works.

Dewey!

Shit.

So this is where you work, right?

Yeah, this is it.

I kind of sit at my desk, look out the window, and wait for an idea to hit me, you know?

Wow, you don't even have to get out of bed.

No.

And sometimes I like to do drawings, kind of like a p-p-pre-pa-

Preparatory?

I can never fucking pronounce that word.

Do you want to see some?

You mean some preparatory sketches?

Yeah, this is what I'm working on at the moment.

That's Podrazik.

Right.

Now, this is a piece.

You see, it's to do with peripheral vision.

It's gonna be an installation.

And you walk in here, and you place your head in this device, see, so that it can't move around.

So then to your left and right you have a nonfunctional domestic environment, part of, but not the whole of which, you can see.

You mean you can't see all of it at the same time.

No, you can only see certain objects.

But then if you look directly at me, you suddenly become aware of everything, right?

Yeah.

That's.. wow.

Yeah, that's really cool.

It kind of brings you into this new vision, you know?

It kind of questions reality.

I thought you were with Beth.

Yeah.

We should keep this strictly professional.

Don't you think, Jo?

Yeah, sure.

Tell me, Freign.

I don't want to be indiscreet, but do you think they may eventually decide on selling the Mondrian?

I think a little more persuasion will be required.

You mean a higher price.

Insurance is a matter of great concern.

I'll pay for the insurance. How about that?

That's most generous.

I will raise my offer to, say, 25 million, and I suggest that we insure it for 40 million.

What do you think?

I think that would be a most appropriate sum, Mr. Spindle.

One of mine, I'm afraid.

Robert Freign.

I didn't know that you were an artist.

An amateur rock painter.

A grey marl from Aix-en-Provence.

Cezanne painted 27 canvases from Bibemus quarry, where this particular stone was found.

Fascinating.

Fascinating.

Please have it.

No, I couldn't.

No, please.

Why, thank you.

Perhaps we should do a show.

You flatter me, Mr. Spindle.

Not at all, not at all.

I hope you got the Picasso out of him.

They're working on it.

Jean, don't let the lawyers fob you off with platitudes.

Be demanding.

Make sure you get copies of all correspondence.

Read them like your life depended on it.

You only get one good shot at this.

Okay, honey?

Right.

So what's the damage?

Okay, Bob.

Let's start with Notting Hill, Tuscany, Palm Beach, wrap up with Aspen.

What about Aspen?

I get the house, and he gets the art.

You sure that's wise, Jean?

Art is exceeding property prices two to one.

Do you think I should renegotiate?

Of course you should.

Being tough over this creates opportunities down the line.

How so?

It gives you room to appear reasonable later on over other issues.

If you have to compromise, at least you fall back on a position you already agreed on.

Right.

What about the Smith in the garden?

That's his.

And the Kelly?

That's mine.

The Judd, the Flavin, the Brancusi.

She wants the Brancush?

Brancusi?

Brancush.

Brancush?

She hates the Brancush.

She didn't want me to buy it.

She even hangs her coat off of it.

Why the hell would she want the Brancush?

It's worth a fortune.

I had Art look into it.

He thinks Bob's completely underpriced it.

That's my girl.

The Warhol, the Beuys, the Hockney in the hallway.

Magritte? That's his.

Never liked that one anyway. No.

The Struth photographs in the first-floor bathroom.

Good God.

Giacometti?

That's his.

Pity. Yeah.

But I get the Lucas and the Judd stack piece in the hall.

The Katz cutouts on the stairs, the Mapplethorpe photographs on the landing, the Bacon in the living room, the Emin, the Currin, the Landy, and the Jew in the library.

I get the Hirst, the Rusche, and the Barney suite.

Shall we go in?

Yeah, I'm famished.

She also wants the Dogan pieces as well as the Picasso sculpture, and all the art books.

Can I have a macchiato, please?

A macch-

Macch-i-a-to.

I don't think that we have that.

Sweetheart, I come every other day to the Westbury, and I have a macchiato every other day.

Yes, but I don't think-

Get the maitre d'.

Yes.

What is that, Hungarian?

I think it's Polish.

Signora, I am sorry, but it's the waitress' first day.

And she doesn't understand.

Alphonse, I just wanted a macchiato.

A macchiato.

Due.

Of course, signora.

So... what about the other thing?

I've never had it so good.

I'm taking the boy to New York tonight.

You're what?

New York, first class, Four Seasons.

Are you crazy?

What?

I've been divorced three times, Jean, okay?

With Carmen, I made legal history.

I know these men.

They're obsessive, greedy sons of bitches.

Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile.

And if he finds out that you're screwing Jo Richards...

Emille.

He'll have your arse.

At the end of it, all you'll get is his poster collection and his grandmother's Shabbat candles.

Shh.

Hello?

Yes, I can't talk right now.

Okay.

Speak later.

Who pays those bills?

The office takes care of it.

What?

Evidence.

Evidence.

You should be compiling everything about him.

No.

I hear he likes gallery girls.

Stop it.

Ask around, Jean.

Get addresses, facts, numbers.

If he uses Jo, you'll have all the ammo.

Right.

And above all, don't compromise.

And finally, she wants Picasso and Matisse.

She wants Matisse?

Matisse is my dog. No way!

No way!

She can have Picasso but not Matisse.

I thought you didn't like Matisse.

I don't, but Picasso would be absolutely desperate without him.

Moving on to Tuscany.

Wait.

What if I sold everything?

What?

If I sold all the art, if I sold the whole goddamn lot.

Well, she'd still get the money.

What's the difference?

Well, the difference is that the money doesn't mean a goddamn thing.

28 million.

Do you really think this video shit you're doing is art, Elaine?

I'm not defining it as a work of art, Joany.

The gallery is.

Yeah, but you're making this thing knowing it's gonna be shown in a gallery.

Yeah, but so much shit is shown in galleries that perhaps it doesn't mean anything anymore.

You know, like the Pope makes whoever saints.

Get that.

Why can't you?

It's Dewey.

He's going on and on about this Beth thing.

You mean I have to deal with your shit.

Please?

Hi, Dewey.

Hi, is Elaine in?

She's not here right now, but do you want me to give her a message or something?

I've left her about a million messages, and she never gets back to me.

Well, as soon as she gets in, I'll have her come up, okay?

Joany, do you really think I'm that stupid?

I can hear you guys through the fucking floorboards.

It's not just about you, Dewey.

Elaine's got to think about her career.

It's her first show.

It's like a really big deal.

But I introduced her, and then she just dropped me like a piece of shit.

I'm so tired of being fucked over.

Dewey.

Dewey.

Try and get some sleep.

You look like shit.

Fuck off!

I don't need to hear that now!

Dewey.

I'm going to kill myself.

Please.

I feel really bad.

He'll get over it.

Honey, honey, of course I'm not ashamed.

All right, I got to go.

Bob.

I know about you and Jean.

It really doesn't matter.

Me and Jean?

Water under the bridge.

Look, Bob, I assure you-

Art.

Art, I want to sell a few things.

In fact, I want to sell everything.

Jesus, mother of God.

What, the whole lot?

Yeah.

And there's one condition.

If you want to handle the sale, you cannot talk to Jean about it.

Of course.

Are you serious, Bob?

Absolutely.

Anyway, Jean's off to New York.

Where do we begin?

The whole lot?

The whole lot.

Dear Mr. Spindle, Alfreda has been approached by a third party with an offer substantially higher than the one we recently discussed.

In the light of your ongoing interest in the painting, she thought it only fair to inform you of her intention to accept this offer.

Your obedient servant, Robert Freign.

Mr. Maclestone?

Call me Bob, Paige.

Bob.

These are really amazing.

Just wanted to congratulate you on becoming a director.

Thank you.

Paige.

Do you like Turkish food?

I don't know.

I found this new great place, and I was thinking dinner Thursday.

I'll have my assistant call you.

It's all about money.

They have no love for art.

It's just money:

What they get, what they sell, how much.

28 million is a considerable amount.

And given our circumstances, we should at least think about the offer.

Waste of time.

Dear Alfreda.

Mr. Spindle, how good of you to come over to see us.

Not at all. Not at all.

Good evening, Alfred.

I brought your favorites.

Would you like a drink?

Whiskey.

Neat or with a splash of water, sir?

Neat.

It's cold outside.

My, my.

It's not every day that one is served by an artist.

Thank you, Freign.

I felt I should come straight over and discuss the recent offer.

I must say, it's a little unorthodox.

I thought we'd agreed.

The offer was substantially more.

Alfreda, let me tell you about Grossman.

Grossman?

Yes, he's not what he seems.

I hear he has cash flow problems.

But the offer came from Mr. Maclestone.

Bob Maclestone?

Yes.

I know it's a great deal of money.

I will not sell that painting.

Never.

I got it from the master himself.

500 pounds I paid for it.

Cash.

Time and time and time again, I have told you that I will not sell that painting to you or to that other creep, Maclestein.

You come into my house.

You start snooping around.

And you are trying to get your greedy hands on my most precious possession.

Leave us alone.

I'm sure we can come to some other arrangement.

Say, 30 million.

Over my dead body.

Mr. Spindle, I think you should leave.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Of course. Of course.

This is not an amusing game.

Business is business, Mr. Spindle.

Never.

Never.

You're impossible.

I don't feel good.

What is it?

I don't know.

Paige?

Paige?


Spectacular.


My God.

The art!

My God!

The art! The art!


I'm sorry. What?

I just can't get a hard-on.

Is there a problem?

It's just that flight from New York takes it out of you.

I'm sorry.

Is it the scars?

Of course not.

It's the scars, right?

Beth.

Hi, this is Jo. Leave a message.

Jo, call me right away.

Bob has taken the art, all of it.

I don't know what to do.

My God!

What is she doing ringing you?

I have no idea.

Jo.

Not Jean Maclestone.

You can fuck your show.

Take a look at this. This is extraordinary.

Fibrovascular background stroma separating the different tissue types.

Look: Finger, jaw, eye socket.

It's quite the most developed teratoma I've ever encountered.

It is the patient's twin, you know, having been born with her, so to speak.

Beth, baby, how you doing?

You okay?

Yeah, come over.

Yeah, I'll see-

Why are you avoiding me?

Dewey, what-

What have I done to deserve this, Elaine?

Don't fucking touch me.

No, how dare you?

How dare you patronize me?

What fucking happened to you? Sort yourself out!

Shut up!

I introduced you to everyone.

Sir?

Mr. Oppenheimer?

The surgeon wants to see you immediately.

I fucking introduced you!

Are you finished? Yeah!

And you used me and spat me out!

Jesus, Dewey.

I hate you!

Do you hear me? I hate you!

You fucking bitch!

Fuck.

Where is it now?

In the operating theater.

Can I see it?

Sure.

Did you sell my Currin to the Havermeyers?

Beth said she saw my Currin at the Havermeyers.

Well- That was mine!

I thought it was a part of Bob's settlement.

You knew that it wasn't. We discussed it.

Don't you remember? Are you sure about that?

Don't lie to me. Jean.

Don't "Jean" me, Art.

Jean, calm down.

The Currin, that was a genuine mistake.

I really thought it was his.

What is that?

It's a fly swat- tribal gift from a client-joke.

And what's this I hear about you and Paige Oppenheimer?

Paige Oppenheimer?

Rumor has it that you were seen going down on her.

What?

You were seen going down on her, Art.

Going down on her?

What do you mean? I mean, for fuck's sake!

You sell my art. You fuck your P.A.

Fuck my P.A.?

You and Bob, you're just two peas in a pod.

What are you talking about?

Art, who's Paige Oppenheimer?

I mean, he was, like, totally grossed out.

I guess guys are weird like that.

Yeah.

And I told him I wasn't gonna do his show.

That's bad, isn't it?

Well, yeah, it's kind of a big kick in the balls.

Yeah, I guess so.

Shit.

Can I see them?

Um, sure.

You know, I thought they were insignificant, and I wanted, like, power breasts.

They're great. Wow.

Really?

That means a lot, 'cause you're the only person I've showed them to, you know.

Yeah, well, take a load of these.

Whoa.

You like?

Yeah, didn't that hurt your nipple and stuff?

Yeah, but it was, like, kind of, you know, sexy sort of pain.

Come on.

It's kind of beautiful.

Thanks.

I mean, not as beautiful as your scars, though.

I just love those.

Really?

I mean, how could you not like that?

I don't know.

Do you like that?

Elaine-

You have such beautiful skin.

It's so soft.

I don't think this is a good idea, 'cause I'm not a lesbian, and we have a working relationship.

Elaine.

This isn't happening.

Hello, lovely.

Hello, Bob.

What's going on?

I have a surprise for you.

For me?

Open it.

Okay.

I had Damien make a piece of it.

Isn't it great?

"Teratoma."


Bob, remember that Mondrian I was trying to get?

"Boogie Woogie"?

Yeah.

Some asshole was trying to fuck me over on it.

No way.

Yeah.

Well, it got burnt.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, some fire.

How?

I don't know.

Old house, wiring.

Such a shame.

It was a masterpiece.

I wish you a long life.

Thank you.

Is there anything I can do, Alfreda?

No, you've done quite enough already, Mr. Spindle.

I trust the insurance is taking care of you?

Hiscox are being quite amazingly efficient.

Thank you.

We're going to be moving abroad.

"We"?

Really?

Where?

Tuscany.

Aha.

Well, I'm sure they have plenty of rocks there.

As a matter of fact, it's where Leonardo first deduced through the discovery of fossilized seashells that the world was far older than originally thought.

Fascinating, fascinating.

Good-bye.

Fascinating.

I came across an intriguing painting by Courbet.

The cliffs at Ornans.

Yes, the sheer cliffs.

Bye-bye, son of a bitch.

Thank you.


Joany.

What?

Leave me alone.

You're always fucking filming.

What's your problem?

Joany, what do you think of these boobs?

God.

It's just outrageous.

I don't agree, Jean.

I think it's a very powerful piece.

What?

Yeah.

You know, just like the way she's exposing every part of her life, like, physically and emotionally revealing herself.

This is Elaine Proctor. It's her show.

The first time I saw her work, I was a little weirded out.

And then I thought, "This is her art, and this is her vision, and I really respect that."

That's lovely, mate.

That's a nice picture, Art. Look, there's Art.

Fantastic. Look this way, please, mate.

That's great.

There's your ex-boss. God.

You got to admire the guy.

Why?

Well, he fires her.

He's trying to sue her, and here he is in her gallery.

Hello, Art.

It's just- it's cheap sensationalism.

It's good. It's very good.

Jo, you don't know what you're talking about.

Jo, darling.

Jo.

So where the hell have you been?

Making art?

You couldn't even make a goddamn cake.

A cake, Joany?

You look incredible on-screen.

You undersized little whore.

Stop fucking filming me.

Are you a model?

That's so tacky.

Because I love you.

You only love your fucking self.

Matter of fact, yeah.

I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

That's me.

She's exploring pitiful timing.

Beth?

Beth, hey.

I just wanted to say it's a fantastic-

Not now, Jo.

You were saying?

Dad, Dad!

I didn't know you were gonna come.

Beth, what the hell is this?

I don't understand.

What is this supposed to be?

Your mother's in hysterics.

I've had to put her in a cab.

Dad, this is art.

Art?

How is this art?

It's a goddamn porno movie starring my daughter.

Excuse me, sir.

I have to introduce Beth to somebody.

I've been in this game a long time, Elaine, you know?

I could do with a break.

You're stunning tonight.

Thank you.

And so are they.

Do I still get my interest?

You know what, Bob?

You can't have it every way.

Why not?

Put this on your head.

Ew, you were just kissing someone else.

Don't come near me.

Hey, can you hold them a sec, Jan?

Jan or "Yan"?

Jan. Jan.

I wonder how she got all this together.

I'm backing her, Art.

I mean, my God, I just thought he would jump at it immediately, you know.

No, Picasso!

Come back!

Shit. Shit.

Hey, long time, no see.

Come to Daddy.

Hey, little puffsy-duffsy.

Jo, come here.

Bob's got Picasso.

Well, it's his dog.

Well, just go get him for me, please?

Why do I have to? Please?

I'm sorry. I can't get him.

Hello.

Come here.

Hey, Bob.

Aw.

I'm sorry.

Jean wants the dog back.

Thank you.

Mrs. Maclestone.

Mrs. Maclestone!

That's lovely. Just a couple of photos.

This way, towards this way, please, Mrs. Maclestone.

This way, please.

Lovely, yeah, group photo.

That's lovely, guys.

Fucking floorboards!

Mrs. Maclestone, this way, please.

That's fantastic. Smile, smiles all around.

Lovely.

Thank you, guys. That's great.

And she just dropped me like a piece of shit.

Try and get some sleep.

You look like shit.

Fuck off!

I don't need to hear that now!

Great work. Fantastic.

Thank you.

I'm doing a show called "Deviant Mythology."

Yes?

And I would love to have your work in it.

I'm sure I can work out something.

Dewey.

I'm going to kill myself.

Please.

Love the show.

And who are you?

Rachel Leighton. Vanity Fair.

We'd love to do an article on you.

We should talk.

This isn't fair.

Jesus fucking Christ!

You're a fucking narcissist, Elaine.

It's all about you at the end of the day.

Sure, it's about me. It's a fucking self-portrait.

You're just a self-absorbed, self-obsessed, selfish, second-rate so-called artist.

You can't even draw a straight fucking line.

Let's not get into this.

And anyway, I don't draw. I do video art.

"I do video art."

My God.

No.

My God.

No.

My God.

Dewey.

Read it back.

"Dear Mrs. Wezleman, "you have to agree that to witness a magnolia warbler

"at this time of year is almost unheard of.

"So it is with great pleasure I send you these photographs I had specially taken for you of this rare event."

Yes.

Incidentally, on further consideration, we think 10 million would be a fair valuation for your remarkable Lucien Freud.

Here.

Welcome aboard.