Book Club (2018) Script

[Diane] This is how it started.

Four best friends and a book.

Vivian was the one who had the idea.

She'd seen it in a magazine, and it was that very first book that gave her a lifelong philosophy.

[man] You know what I find sexiest about you?

Do tell.

You don't need me.

[Vivian] I don't need anyone.

It's the secret to my success.

[Diane] And successful she was.

The hotel we were standing in front of... [scoffs]

...she owns.

And ten years later, she tore it down and built a new one.

[desk clerk] Good morning, Miss O'Donnell.

[chattering]

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

[men chattering]

Slim?

[Diane] This is Arthur.

The first time they had sex was on a mix board.

They were madly in love.

He proposed.

She said no.

He left town.

[gasps] My, oh, my.

Arthur Riley.

What's it been, 40 years?

That's impossible. That would mean I was only six.

Still a wiseass, huh? [chuckles] Yeah.

Old habits die hard.

I got to get back to this meeting, but, uh, are you going to be in town for a while?

I would hope so. I do live here.

I'll find you.

It's good to see you, Slim.

[Diane] Now, Sharon was Vivian's roommate as an undergrad at Stanford.

- Then she went to law school. [gavel bangs]

Of the 301 people in her graduating class, 62 were women.

Of the 62, one became a federal judge.

He's on the phone now?

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a five-minute recess.

All rise.

This court will stand in recess for five minutes.

No, no, no. You're never interrupting.

How is Hawaii?

You got en... engaged?

Why? I mean, wow!

I didn't mean "why," I meant "wow." Wow.

Well, if I sound judgmental, that...

That's a professional hazard.

Who's Cheryl?

[inhales] Oh, I didn't know your father was seeing someone.

Good for him.

And you. Good for both...

Congratulations all around. Yeah.

[Diane] In 1985, Sharon married Tom because he made her laugh.

By 1999, she was no longer laughing.

And the final straw came when Tom asked her what "Don Quix-ote" was about.

The marriage ended and Sharon bought a cat.

[cat meows]

[Diane] Carol put herself through culinary school, working as a waitress at a diner.

She had two goals in life: one, to own and operate her own restaurant, and two, to marry the man of her dreams, Bruce Colby.

Since the moment they met, they've not been able to keep their hands off each other.

[squeals] Ooh! Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

[Carol] Dance lessons!

Oh. Yep.

Wow. Yes.

Because the No Kid Hungry fundraiser is a talent show this year and I signed us up.

To be in the talent show? Yes!

I thought it was something fun we could do together now that you're retired.

Now this is gorgeous!

Oh! Eargasms!

Yeah, I got us both a pair.

Multiple Eargasms. Who does not love that?

Well, no, it's so you can watch TV in bed without disturbing me, and my snoring won't keep you awake.

Huh? That's very thoughtful.

What do you say we get home and...

I say yes. Yay.

[Bruce snores]

[snores louder]

[Diane] And then, there's me.

I didn't know what my path was going to be, and then it hit me, with a wave of nausea.

Because of this guy, Harry Whittaker.

We got married, and I became a...

[women] Mom! [Diane] What?

[woman] Stop already.

What? No! I just need to clear the caulk.

Clear the caulk? Yes.

There's a cute little ladybug trying to get out the window.

Okay, someone's been watching way too much HGTV.

Huh? Mom, put the screwdriver down.

What?

Mom. Uh-huh?

We've been talking. Yes?

We want to move you to Arizona.

Move me? Oh, my God. What am I, cattle?

[Diane] These are our two daughters.

Harry is an accountant. Well, he was an accountant.

Your house is falling apart, and you don't have Dad to fix it.

I know, but, my friends, they live here.

And your family lives there.

We just want you close to us, Mom.

No, but...

Feel it out for the weekend. If not for you, for us, please.

It's what Dad would've wanted. All right.

[Diane] Well, it's been over 40 years and through it all, every month, we still get together for...

[wine cork pops]

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Arthur as in Arthur?

Wait a minute. Are you talking about... radio-station-sex Arthur? Yes!

Proposed-with-a-milkshake Arthur.

That Arthur. And he's staying at the hotel.

Does he not hate you, though? He's got to.

No. That was 40 years ago!

Yeah, but still. Oh! There she is.

My son is engaged and my husband is in Maui with a tartlet named Cheryl.

[Diane] Oh...

I need a drink.

Your "husband"?

You can't possibly still care about what Tom is doing.

I don't care.

But the guy gets seasick in a swimming pool.

I mean, what the hell is he doing in Maui?

Sounds like he's doing Cheryl in Maui.

Oh, please.

Who gets involved in a relationship at 67?

I mean, what is the point?

The point is to get laid. It's always the point.

Don't make me sick. Who still says "get laid"?

Who still has any interest?

No, no, no. I am not gonna let us become those people.

What people... You know what people.

The people who stop living before they stop living.

I haven't had sex since my divorce and it's been the happiest 18 years of my life.

[gasps] That must be some kind of record.

I mean, what even happens to a vagina after 18 years?

I think Werner Herzog did a documentary on that.

Yeah. It's called The Cave of Forgotten Dreams.

Okay! Will you stop it?

Moving on. Let's talk about the book.

Oh, God. The hiking book? Really?

Come on! I liked it!

It's such a remarkable undertaking. Can you imagine?

No, I cannot. I don't even like walking to my mailbox.

It's just an amazing story.

So many layers. I wouldn't even know how to break it down.

I'll break it down for you.

She hikes, she lost her boot, she did heroin.

Did you only read the back cover?

[Vivian gulps] I wish.

I kept wanting to shout at her, "Oh, wait ten years, honey. Dry shampoo is coming."

If you would ever connect with something on a more emotional level...

Emotional connection is highly overrated.

You have not had an emotional connection for 40 years.

Wow, that must be some type of record.

Yeah, but what happens to emotions after 40 years?

Okay, okay, are you guys having fun?

Oh, come on. You know we love you.

Maybe it's time you did take a hike and try to reconnect with your own true self.

I'll buy you a backpack.

I'll tell you how to reconnect with your own true self, and it ain't by walking alone through the desert.

I would like to introduce you to Christian Grey.

Oh...

Oh, no.

[Vivian] It was a bestseller made into a movie.

That is our theme this year. Oh, wow.

We are not reading this.

[Vivian] It's my month!

When it's your month, you can choose whatever boring, depressing book you want.

I'm not sure this qualifies as a book.

Well, 50 million people can't be wrong.

To... To even be holding this book is embarrassing.

Who's judging you, your cat?

I do like the idea of a romance.

We are too old!

[Carol] But it says right here "for mature audiences."

Yeah, that certainly sounds like us.

We started this book club to stimulate our minds.

Well, from what I hear, this book is quite stimulating.

Oh, God.

So... come on!

Let's toast to our new book. [Carol] All right.

Oh, good. Drink up. Hoist that glass.

[Carol] Yeah. Happy reading, ladies!

[whispers] Oh...

[grunts] Oh, God.

[sighs] Okay.

Oh, my... [groans]

[groans] Oh, I didn't...

I'm really so terribly...

I'm so sorry.

I... I...

[Diane laughs softly]

You need some help? I'm sorry. No, I'm fine.

I really didn't mean to disturb you.

Too late. I know, I know.

Wow. [exhales]

It's... This is so humiliating.

[sighs]

Are you okay? I'm...

I'm really scared of flying. You shouldn't be.

Oh, yeah, well, I won't be once these... kick into my bloodstream.

The safest way to travel.

Want to know why you think that? Why?

Because you never met anybody who's been in a plane crash.

And you want to know why? Why?

Because they're all dead.

I think those pills are affecting you already.

[chuckles] I think so. Oh, my God.

What... What takes you to Arizona?

Oh, my...

My daughters live there. Hmm.

Well, that should be fun.

Not exactly.

They're kind of forcing me to go.

Why?

[sighs] Well... my husband, he died last year, so...

Plane crash?

[laughs] Oh! You didn't say that.

Sorry, that was a bad joke. That's okay.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm sorry, too. No, well...

Thank you, that's sweet. Thank you so much.

Yeah... [thump]

Oh! [woman] Hey!

[shrieks]

[groans]

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

[whispers] Oh, this is terrible.

Wow. I'm so...

[stammers] That was the jet bridge and we're still on the ground.

We're still on the ground? Yeah.

I'm so terribly sorry.

[groans]

I'm quite all right. Okay.

Anything I can do to make your flight more comfortable.

I appreciate that, thank you so much.

[pop music playing]

[inaudible]

[whispers] Oh, Jesus.

[sighs]

Oh, wow.

[sighs] Oh...

Oh.

Okay.

[whispers] Give me a break, okay?

This...

[scoffs]

[Vivian] Whoa!

[groans]

[groans] Oh, my God, yes.

You know, I was wondering. Huh?

That must have been one heck of a book you were reading.

May I ask what it was?

- Moby Dick. That's what it was. - Moby Dick.

Uh-huh. Melville.

I didn't realize Christian Grey had a nickname.

Enjoy Arizona. Yeah, sure, of course.

Not a problem.

[assistant, over intercom] Miss O'Donnell, I have an Arthur Riley for you.

Is that so?

Take a message.

[Arthur] Take a message?

Really?

[sighs]

I didn't realize that...

[clears throat] that you were here.

We just saw each other in the lobby two days ago.

Pity. They say the memory is the second thing to go.

What's the first thing to go? Can't remember.

I'm impressed.

How did you find me? Google.

Google? Yeah. It's a service on the computer.

Yeah, I know Google.

Oh, well, I'm younger than you, so I didn't know...

Oh, cute. Cute.

What do you say?

May a gentleman buy you a cup of coffee?

Well, a gentleman certainly may.

Do you know of one?

It was the mid-'80s.

I became obsessed with risk management.

You obsessed with work?

That's crazy.

I know, right? Shocking!

I could see the system was set up for trouble.

Of course, none of the men in my firm believed me.

Well, men can be a little slow on the uptake.

Bad for them, good for me.

And, um... you never picked up a husband along the way?

No!

Like I said, I'm way too good... at forecasting risk.

I figure by now, I've saved myself a lot of money in legal fees. True dat.

How about you? Is there a Mrs. Riley?

Oh, yes.

The good Mrs. Riley is back on the East Coast, having absconded with my last name, my dog, and my co-op on the park.

What did you do wrong?

Well, let's just say I was a little less good at assessing risk.

Whoa! Tom, talk about false advertising.

[trumpet sounds through speakers]

[whispers] Whoa!

Jesus.

[woman, over computer] Join Tom and Cheryl and millions of others who found love on Bumble.

Join Tom and Cheryl as they copulate in a coconut tree.

[assistant] Judge Meyers? Yes.

Hi. It's 12:15.

Well, I really have to stay with this, so, um...

If you could just tell them that we have to move it to next week, please.

Of course. Yeah.

[woman, over computer] Rev up your love life with these tips from Bumble...

Make love happen now and change your life...

Do you need anything else, Your Honor?

[woman, over computer] A man of your dreams is just a click away.

No, I don't. I'm fine.

Thank you. Yep.

[door opens, closes]

[Arthur] Here you go. Make a wish.

What are you doing?

I made a wish.

What did you wish for?

I always wish for the same thing: a healthy planet.

That's not your wish.

That's not even a wish!

Wishes have to be personal, not global.

Since when? Since forever.

[sighs]

And secondly, you can't tell anybody your wish.

Otherwise it negates the whole thing.

No, God, you're not gonna go in there. Don't do that.

Well, somebody has to.

You made an improper wish and you've jeopardized the entire planet.

Oh, God, you are insane.

You are insane! Don't go in!

[grunts] Oh...

I have no choice here.

You're obviously the type of person who's too delicate to go in after her own penny.

Oh, you think I'm delicate?

[shrieks]

See? Delicate.

You know, what you're reading as delicate is this.

It's this bracelet that costs as much as a car!

Let's see that bracelet.

Oh, no. Not my phone... Oh, dear!

Oh, dear. No, no. Oh, boy.

Now you have done it. Oh, what do you mean?

God, it's scary how addicted you kids are to your phone.

[grunts] No, give it to me!

Hold on one second here!

[chuckles] I've never seen...

You know, I think you might need to talk to someone about this.

I see why you lost your co-op on the park.

I hope that's waterproof. Oh, no. [squeals]

[chuckles]

[whistle blowing]

No bathing in the fountain. [Arthur] Okay!

But technically, we're not bathing.

Arthur. And she started it.

He doesn't care who started it! It was him.

Out. All right.

Oh! Ah, wait a minute.

I found it. Oh, that's so great.

Oh! Did you see that?

Would you mind just taking a photo?

[sighs] I hate my life.

It might take a little bit of time, but you're gonna love it here in Arizona.

I don't... Let's face it...

You being here makes more sense for all of us.

We can't jump on a plane every time something happens to you.

What are you talking about, "happens to me"?

You could slip and fall at any moment.

I don't want to overstate the dangers for a woman your age living alone, but I did research online, and it's pretty alarming.

But you do know, I mean, I'm really not that old.

Well, no, you're not, Mom, but neither was Dad.

I know, honey, I know.

I need a coffee.

Well, the good coffee is all the way upstairs.

Mom, why don't you wait down here?

Wait down here? Sure.

God forbid, I can't go up an escalator at my age.

But hurry back. I could slip and fall at any moment.

Just sit there, Mommy. Ooh!

I'll get you a chamomile? [sighs] Oh, God. Yeah, thanks.

Be careful! Uh-huh.

[old man] They brought the kids to see you?

Yeah. [old man] That's good.

Oh, God, what? [cell phone ringing]

Hello. [Carol] Have you ever been spanked?

What? As an adult, sexually.

I mean, is this what people are doing?

Carol, it's Diane. You dialed the wrong number.

No. Have you not read the book?

[Diane] Yes. I've read it. Of course I have.

And? - I don't know who her lawyer is, but she should not have signed that contract.

Look, clearly, we have things to discuss.

I'm gonna call an emergency book club.

That means you got to get back here, pronto.

I'd come back for an emergency colonoscopy, but it's just a little bit more complicated here.

Oh, God. How is life in Scottsdale?

Well, I don't know, I feel like I'm...

[snoring] ...in an episode of The Walking Dead.

Wait a second. You sound out of breath. Where are you?

I'm going to a... a dance rehearsal and I'm late.

You're late? You're never late. I know!

This book has got me in a total tizzy. Just get back here.

I'll get back there. Bye.

[sighs]

[Carol] Wow. Chin up.

[Latin music playing]

And one, two, three. Go, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three. Wait.

Stop! [music stops]

Stop, stop, stop!

Honey, I think we're supposed to go this way.

To the left.

Right. Which is what I did.

His left. This way.

Back, two, three. Side, two, three.

Okay, I got it. I was wrong.

I was wrong, you were right.

My little Fred Astaire.

I will follow you wherever you want to go.

How about lunch? We start again.

You know what? I'm wondering...

Do you think it would be possible for us to just skip straight to our choreography?

We must first learn... to dance!

Right. I know.

But I sort of do know how to dance. Come on, I do.

I still remember the whole tap dance to "Red, Red Robin Goes Bob, Bob, Bobbin' Along" that I did when I was six.

It's like savant-ish.

[in Hungarian] Sounds like you peaked early.

What?

What did she say? You're asking me?

So, what is going on with little Ginsburg here?

Well, she's not herself lately.

She... She has no energy.

She's really lost the spark of life.

She's just kind of blah.

It sounds like we have a lethargic pussy on our hands.

Seriously?

Have there been any changes at home?

Any new people or pets moving in or out?

[chuckles] At home? Oh, God, no.

There hasn't been a change at home forever.

And what about diet?

I've tried a few, but I like to eat.

So whatever weight I take off, I put right back on, so... it's useless.

You're talking about the cat.

I am a veterinarian.

I knew that.

[flight attendant, over PA] Would the passenger in seat 17-D please report to the cockpit?

I repeat, the passenger in seat 17-D, please report to the cockpit. Thank you.

[Diane] Oh. Hi.

I just need a little bit more information from you.

Oh. Oh.

Um, we need phone numbers, home and cell.

And cell...

Also, a current home address.

What, really?

Uh-huh.

Oh, okay.

Also, an email and whatever nights you are typically free.

You... [door unlocks]

You've got to be kidding me.

Pilots, we never kid about things like this.

[chuckles] No! Wait, I don't understand.

What are you doing here? Flying the plane, I think.

So, you're a pilot?

I think so. They gave me the hat.

[chuckles] Oh, my God.

Thank you.

This is how you ask someone for their number?

Not usually, but you are very special.

Uh-huh.

Can I take you to dinner?

[alarm beeping] Oh, my God.

What's going on here?

I think what I'm doing is asking you to dinner.

But what is the beeping? It's an alarm.

Yeah, but what does that actually mean?

Usually, an alarm means there's something wrong.

Go fix it! I can't, I'm in the middle of something.

Let's just cut this short. Do something. Just do something.

I can't, until we figure this dinner thing out.

Okay, fine! Yeah, what the hell. Just get the hell back in there!

[chuckles]

Okay, here's the alarm.

[switch clicks] [alarm stops]

I will call you.

[groans] Oh, my God.

This book! I mean, the things Christian does to her!

My God! It's absurd.

I could have put him in jail for any one of those things.

But she sure was having fun.

Yes, she was.

It's not like we don't have fun.

No, but it's a different kind of fun.

Very different. Like this.

This is fun. For sure.

I just can't stop thinking about when he snuck her off and he gave it to her right there in the boathouse, you know?

Oh, the boathouse. Yeah.

Do you think anyone our age still goes...

Hi, beautiful friends!

Yeah, I think some people do.

Uh, let me guess. You saw Arthur again.

I did, I did. We had coffee.

And you slept with him.

Oh, God, no!

Although I have to admit, he's still very charming and fun.

So you find him charming and fun, but you didn't sleep with him.

Exactly.

I don't sleep with people I like. You know that.

I gave that up in the '90s. You make no sense.

I make perfect sense.

[whispers] Now, now, now, now.

Tell me what is going on. Tell me everything.

You are too happy. I don't like this.

[sighs] Okay.

Best book ever! Yes!

What is going on?

Oh, yeah. No, wait.

Imagine this, okay?

Um, so, me sitting on a plane, uh, you know, reading our little book... and, well, this, um, devilishly handsome man...

Oh my God, is this going where I hope it is?

Yes, it is. You know what he did? He asked me out to dinner.

Well, that's not exactly...

Oh, shh! You met a man on an airplane?

Yeah, and guess what? A pilot!

[laughter]

Love a man in uniform.

Your husband just died!

Harry. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, he was...

He was such a good man.

That was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Harry dying was the best thing that ever happened to her?

Yeah, 'cause now she can have sex with somebody who's not an accountant.

Wait a minute. Are you crazy?

Sex? Forget about it.

I don't even remember how to have sex. No way!

Don't worry, it'll all come back.

It's just like riding a bicycle.

Except instead of riding a bicycle, you have sex with a man.

Note to self: Watch Carol ride a bicycle someday.

If you need a refresher, I know somebody who sure does know how to have sex.

I don't know what that is, but I'll tell you one thing: it is definitely not sex, okay?

No, you're right, that's not sex.

That's crazy hot sex.

Can we please stop saying "sex"?

What do you prefer, "make love"?

"I don't make love. If..." [coughs]

"Hard."

That's what he said.

Oh, my. Ooh.

You've completely lost it.

No, I think she's found it. Yeah.

She's found it. Handcuffed in the red room, right?

[imitates whip cracking]

The whip. [Carol] The red room.

Bruce must be having such fun with all this.

Oh, yes, such fun, actually. Yeah.

What is that?

[Carol groans]

This book made me realize that it's been quite a while since we... you know.

As in... as in weeks?

Mmm, like, maybe six.

Six weeks? Months.

Oh, God, I thought you guys were like rabbits.

We are, if rabbits took a ton of Benadryl and made a chastity pact.

Oh, my God, we have to put a stop to this.

Oh, come on.

I mean, if women our age were meant to have sex, God wouldn't do what he does to our bodies.

Whoa! Well, speak for yourself.

That was not God. That was Dr. Nazarian.

[laughs] He did a good job.

Hey, everyone. [all gasp]

[all] Hey! What's the topic this month?

What... - Moby Dick.

Oh, yeah, sounds like fun.

Carol? What?

You are not gonna believe what I pulled out of the garage.

My old motorcycle.

That poor thing hasn't been ridden in ages!

Poor thing.

Oh, there's a little sag in the cable.

She's still got a gorgeous chassis.

You know, I was thinking maybe I could lube her up and get that old gal riding again.

Yeah, yeah, good idea. That's good.

Give her undercarriage a good buff and slap a little wax on her saddle.

[giggling]

[laughs] Ooh, I hope he uses protection.

Shut up. - Moby Dick?

What was that? I don't know.

I don't know why my mind keeps going there.

It's like, duh.

Ladies, this book is a wakeup call.

I don't care what society says about women our age.

Sex must not be taken off the table.

Hold on. I mean, we are four smart successful women.

I don't need a man.

I know. You've proved that for 18 years.

Touché.

No, my point is, the choice should be ours.

[Diane] Speaking of which, we are doubling down.

How about this for a choice? [laughs]

Oh!

Thank God it's a trilogy. My God!

Especially for you, Sharon. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Ladies?

What? Ladies?

Yes? [Carol] Yes?

We shall not go gentle into that good night.

So, let's lube up those bikes and get riding again!

[all howl]

"I groan and tilt my pelvis involuntarily against him, finding a delicious..."

[laughs hysterically]

"...a delicious friction..."

Oh, this is really something.

"...against the seam of his fly and his growing erection."

[cell phone ringing] [whispers] Oh...

Oh, dear. Oh, my God, okay, okay.

Hello? [Adrianne] Are you okay?

You were supposed to call me after dinner.

Yeah, I'm fine, honey. I just finished.

[Adrianne] Did you eat alone?

Yes, alone.

[Adrianne sighs] God, it's all so sad.

Yeah. Okay, but anyway... thanks for checking in, and I really should get to bed.

[Adrianne] Remember, we can put you in the basement whenever you're ready.

Okay.

[sighs]

[sighs] Whoa.

[scoffs] I mean...

[whispers] Wow, wow.

[cell phone ringing]

[in annoyed tone] Hello!

[Mitchell] Is that really how you answer the phone?

All right, who is this? I'm gonna hang up now.

Then I'll call you back and we're gonna try this again.

[groans] Oh, my God.

[cell phone ringing]

It's over.

I can't do anything right, obviously. Okay.

Hello there!

Hey, hello there. Much better.

Have you had dinner?

[Diane] Oh, I have. Yeah.

How about tomorrow night?

Dinner tomorrow night?

Sounds great. Thought you'd never ask.

What time should I pick you up?

But I... I really can't, so...

Why can't you? - No, I mean...

I mean, of course I can, but where are you anyway?

I'm in Sedona.

But I'm in... Oh! I'm in Santa Monica, so...

I'm aware. I'll pick you up at 6:30.

Well, wait. But you can't just kind of like...

Actually, I can. I'll see you tomorrow night.

[chuckles] Oh, God.

[sighs] Oh, dear.

Oh.

Someone make a bad wish?

Oh, you should know I rescue wishes all over town.

Wanna grab a cup of coffee?

Oh, I... I can't today.

Well, I'd like to grab a drink sometime.

We have an excellent bar on the mezzanine level.

Oh, you meant with me?

You're funny. Oh.

Okay, it's a date, then.

[whistles]

I love that you have a date!

Yeah, and it's a first date.

So it's important that you put on something sexy.

[sighs] Oh... [Diane] I don't own anything sexy.

Don't listen to her. Just be comfortable.

Be yourself.

Okay. Well, what about...

Does this...

That's too comfortable. [Carol] Right, yeah, no. No.

Okay, fine.

I can take that to Goodwill for you.

Don't do that to them.

Those people have enough trouble.

She always does this. [whispers] I know.

She wears these voluminous things to cover that beautiful figure. All the time!

Oh! Oh, my God! [Carol] Yes!

Perfect! You look great! You look perfect.

Let me see. I don't want...

Oh, my God, you look so good. Unbutton one little button here.

Show off the girls. [shrieks] Get off!

Let them out! Oh, no, no, no.

This is so ridiculous. So exciting.

Oh, I can't believe how nervous I am.

I am, too. Do you remember your last date?

We're talking Nixon era.

Wait, is that helping? No.

[doorbell rings]

[Diane] Oh, God. I need a safe word.

[whimpers]

You're gonna be great! You're gonna be great.

This is gonna be amazing! Let's get to the window.

Just act natural. Showtime!

Well, hey, you. Oh, good, you're home.

He's wearing jeans. I love a man in jeans.

Let me see. Okay...

He's got a cute tush. [Vivian] Oh, God!

[Carol] Oh, God.

[laughter]

Um...

Oh. You brought me flowers? Here you go.

Thank you so much.

[Vivian] He brought flowers!

[Carol] I love a man who brings flowers.

If you don't like them, blame your neighbors.

I picked them from their garden. You're kidding.

[Sharon] The last time she went on a date, she got pregnant.

[Vivian] I don't think that's gonna happen this time.

He gave up on you. I know. That's okay.

So, where were we? Oh, yeah, a bathroom.

A public bathroom? Like, a public bathroom?

Yeah, like in a park.

In a park? Well, yes, I was 11.

The setting wasn't the first thing on my mind.

No.

What about you? Me? Oh, I don't remember.

Everybody remembers their first kiss.

How about I tell you about my best kiss?

Maybe that hasn't happened yet.

Oh, I see. Well. Hmm.

My first kiss.

That'd be the sixth grade and Terry Sanders.

Terry Sanders. Is that a boy or a girl?

[chuckles] A boy, obviously.

I don't know.

Anyway, it was one of those Christmas mixers.

Some friends and I, we snuck backstage.

It was dark, and...

I remember hearing the first bluesy notes of "At Last."

Remember? By Etta James?

And it came billowing down through the curtains, and that is when Terry Sanders came up to me, and he said...

It was so sweet! He said, "I think I love you, Dee-Dee."

Yeah, and then he grabbed my face with both of his hands, and he was like, I don't know...

Maybe he had seen it in some movie or something.

But he held my face, and, for a moment, my mind went completely blank in the greatest possible way.

Oh, God. I mean, we didn't...

We didn't know what we were doing, we just...

Terry knew. Maybe, yeah.

We stood there like that, you know...

We just stood there. Frozen.

And you know, I didn't really care.

Because...

the feeling of his hands on my face...

You know what I wish? I wish... everyone had a first kiss like that.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

You know, I don't...

I don't know why I told you the whole story!

That was a beautiful... That was a beautiful story.

Thank you.

I wish I was kissed by Terry Sanders.

[Diane laughs]

Where is he? Whatever happened to Terry Sanders?

I need to track him down. [Diane] Oh, Terry Sanders...

No, what actually happened to him was that he died in a plane crash.

He died, yeah.

He just went like that.

Plane crash? [Diane] Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

No.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He didn't die in a plane crash.

You've been waiting all this time just to hit me with a plane crash joke.

I couldn't help it.

Diane can get a man to fly in from another state, and I can't get my husband to come in from the garage!

Well, you have to give him a good enough reason.

Well, since when is sex not a good enough reason for a man?

Honey, you're not dealing with a man, you're dealing with an older man.

Different animal.

He's not thinking about sex. He's conditioned to think that "inside" means changing a light bulb or fixing the toilet.

Both of which sound infinitely more satisfying to me.

So basically, I'm screwed.

Or not screwed, as it were.

He needs a reminder. Take him back to a time when sex was on his mind.

Miss O'Donnell? Yeah.

This was dropped at the desk for you.

Thank you, Runako. You're welcome.

It's Pavlovian.

Present the right stimulus, you will not believe how quickly he'll come.

Must you always be so crass?

Look whose mind is in the gutter!

[Sharon] I know! It's because of this book.

The whipping and the flogging.

I'm learning things no one our age should even know about!

I mean, sex is...

Ugh!

Not that a little kissing or petting would kill me, but...

Is that a poncho?

Um... all right, sharing.

"Next time we should wear protection"?

"Love, Arthur."

Uh, you weren't gonna tell us about this.

I told you we went out for coffee.

Unbelievable! That is not how I go out for coffee.

The entire world is coupling up.

You just need to put yourself out there the same way Tom did.

You see her going online? [chuckles]

I mean, let's not lose all our sense of reality.

Well, why not?

There are plenty of fish in the sea who would adore her. [Vivian] I agree.

But to catch one she'd actually have to take out a pole and make her way down to the water.

You really don't think I can do it.

Well, I think you can. I just don't think you will.

Then let's drink to me and my pole going online.

Well, yay! Good for you. Yay!

But you might want to lose the pole.

Yeah. Good call.

[sighs]

Life motto?

I'll give you a life motto.

"No one with a life has a motto."

[chuckles]

"Find a mate?"

What am I, Lin-Lin the Panda at the San Diego Zoo?

[camera clicking] No! No, no, no.

[yells]

Stop it!

Shit!

[Carol clears throat]

My old uniform. What do you think?

I feel like I'm in a time machine.

I know. And it still fits!

Ta-da! [fabric rips]

There's some duct tape on the shelf.

You're sweet, but that just makes it easier to...

Oh, you need... you need duct tape. Okay...

And, uh, give me the zip ties.

Zip ties.

Are you thinking about tying me up?

What?

Nothing. It's just something I was reading about.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

No, I think I'm good, thanks.

I just needed more light before I can get inside her crankshaft.

Check her out.

Check out... your motorcycle?

Yeah.

It sure brings back memories. Yeah.

And she's a lot prettier than I remember.

I wouldn't complain if you want to take me for a ride.

[tire pops, air hissing out]

Rain check?

I'm sorry. I talked your ear off.

I'll recover. You will? I wonder.

Just let me know when you're back in Arizona.

Oh! Well, actually, I'm going to be there this weekend.

How inconvenient.

How inconvenient, yeah. Anyway...

It was really lovely. Oh, it was really lovely. So...

Good night. Have a good night.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

[groans quietly] Oh, God.

We need to get control of this situation.

I don't want a repeat of what was going on in the evidentiary hearing.

[message alert chime]

Let's turn our phones off, please.

Not mine.

[message alert chime]

Am I the only one hearing this?

I believe it's from... over there.

[message alert chime]

Holy shit.

[pop music playing]


Here, Ginsburg, you want to go out?

Go.

Go ahead.

Okay, fine.

Be lethargic. [mewls]

Damn you, E.L. James.

His name is George and he's probably a serial killer.

No man is perfect.

Well, he's also certainly not normal.

I mean, normal people don't go trolling for dates online.

You do.

Yeah, I rest my case.

Maybe he's your Christian Grey.

He's a bald tax attorney. Okay, maybe not.

But at least you have a date.

I'm never gonna have sex again for the rest of my life.

[Sharon] He might not even have arms!

Hey. What?

These are essential.

They hold you in, smooth everything down. Life changing.

I'm gonna get them for you. Come here.

Well, let's just say things did not go exactly as planned.

You've been married too long.

In the army, when they want to get a soldier's attention, they just blow on the trumpet.

Well, that is precisely what I was attempting.

And the soldier? Absent without leave.

In fact, the trumpet never even came out of the barracks.

The commanding officer put a kibosh on the mission, huh?

Yes. Mission aborted.

[Sharon] Oh, Jesus Christ, enough with the metaphors already.

[groans] My organs just shifted.

You're gonna be fine. Do scuba breathing.

So, okay, give him one of these... and the lieutenant will stand at attention.

You think that's the problem?

I've been doing field research on this demographic a long time.

He's probably just embarrassed.

This is gonna be a game changer, trust me.

[Sharon groans]

You need some help?

[Sharon] I need the Jaws of Life.

[laughs]

Um, I don't think you have that on quite right, but it's gonna look amazing.

I look like a Lane Bryant mannequin.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to picture your serial killer trying to peel you out of that thing.

He's gonna have to use his teeth. If he has teeth.

When you guys are finished joking, can you get me some scissors?

I can't feel my feet.

[Chris] Is that the one I showed you?

No. Found it on Zillow.

Check it out.

This has a media room. Oh, sick.

You don't need a media room, you need your son to live in a good school district.

Mom. You shouldn't be adding salt.

It's spaghetti. I always add salt to my spaghetti.

Mom, did you not get the article I sent you on blood pressure?

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, shoot. Could... Could you excuse me for just a sec?

Don't say "sick". You're 40 years old.

[Diane] Hi, how are you?

Come visit you? That's crazy!

What? Well, I don't know how I can do that, you know?

Yeah?

Oh. Well, okay.

I'm just gonna have to come up with a reason.

[Jill] Mom? Uh-oh. I got to go.

Okay, yes, and I will. Okay, bye.

[Adrianne] Is everything okay? [sighs] No. No.

That was my neighbor. And, um...

There was a robber, or a burglar, I don't know.

Anyway, they think that the house was burgled!

Burgled? It's shocking!

But you know something? I think I need to get back there ASAP to help.

What do you mean, help?

What I mean is the authorities... they may want to ask some questions.

So I do need to get back there now.

The authorities?

I'm not a suspect. I'm not suspicious.

It's not that kind of thing. But I'm so worried.

This world is just not a safe place for you anymore.

I'm sorry, and...

I'm really gonna try to keep that in my mind, okay?

But anyway, I need to book a flight back tomorrow.

Do I just not turn you on anymore?

I mean, I get it after 35 years and three kids, but am I...

Is it just not exciting anymore?

I love you, Carol.

I know you love me, and I love you.

Then what is the problem?

The problem is we haven't even tried to make love since your retirement party.

And we both know how that turned out.

You yourself said there was something wrong with the lamb that night.

We both know there was nothing wrong with the lamb.

I'm the one who made it.

I'm not having this conversation.

[sighs] Bruce, Vivian said that it is so normal for men...

Wait. Vivian?

Dr. Schaefer said there are safe and effective ways...

You talked to Dr. Schaefer?

I did not think you'd want to talk to him.

I don't want to talk to him! See? I knew that! I knew that!

He asked me, "Does he still pleasure himself?"

Oh, my God! And I said, "I have no idea!"

Carol! This is enough!

[shouts] Bruce! I want to have sex!

[dog whines]

Hello.

[huffs]

Excuse me.

[both sigh]

Okay, come on, baby. Get your leg up there.

[grunts]

Goddang it.

[engine fails]

Come on.

What, you can't get it turned on, huh?

Hi. Do you have a reservation?

No, actually I'm meeting someone.

His name is George.

He's a tax accountant.

Right. Follow me.

Enjoy your meal.

Hey, you have arms!

It would've been fine if you didn't, but it's... better that you do. Hey.

So nice to... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take care of it.

This is why I don't leave the house.

Shall we start again? I'm afraid to reenter.

Nah.

We can take it right from here.

[Sharon] Okay.

So, what about you?

You work? Um, yes.

Actually, I'm currently working on my drinking. [chuckles]

[both laugh]

You have a nice laugh.

Thank you.

Actually, I'm a federal judge.

Wow.

Really? Yeah.

And I do have the power to put you in handcuffs.

I don't know why I said that. Really.

I'm sorry. I...

I was guessing what you might be thinking and...

I mean, not you, but men.

Not like all men think the same, but...

I'm sorry I'm not better at this, but this is...

Whoa.

Can I make a confession?

Uh, I changed my shirt today six times and I only have five shirts.

And the irony is that they're all exactly alike.

Blue, button-down, Brooks Brothers.

Well, who doesn't love Brooks Brothers?

Not this guy.

When did dating get so complicated?

I mean, it used to be you'd go to a dance and bada-boom bada-bing, you'd get married and pregnant.

Now you have to come up with earth-shattering theories on life before you even get a "wink." What is that, a "wink" online?

You know, you are so much better at this than you think you are.

Thank you.

You are too, for the record.

All my past relationships taught me one thing.

I can't sleep with men.

Well, now, there's a revelation I was not expecting.

No, but sex is fine. I just can't sleep.

Okay, that makes more sense.

Now I can focus on what you're gonna say next.

I can't understand how men can sleep anywhere.

On the floor, in a bed, on a couch.

I'm staring at the ceiling and they're off in some blissful dreamscape.

Well, they say that bad sleep is a sign of a bad relationship.

Yeah, well, I can attest to that.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wow.

I never thought I'd be back here again.

Me, neither.

Here we go.

[moans appreciatively]

Is it as good as you remember? Maybe better.

Let me ask you a question.

What's your favorite thing in the whole world?

Well, that's a very broad question.

Um...

Arm tickles.

Come on. No, without a doubt.

No, it's true. I'm a girl of simple pleasures.

[laughs] Says the girl with a staff of 150!

Ah, but it would be so much better if they were all tickling my arms.

You know what I love to do that I never do anymore?

Listen to a full album on vinyl from beginning to end.

Vinyl sure has made a comeback, hasn't it?

Well, some things stand the test of time.

That they do.

[romantic music playing]

[music stops]

[instructor claps]

Dance is about connection.

It can't just be routine.

Moving in unison is not the same as dancing.

Right.

[sighs]

[Carol] I think we're done for the night.

Sorry.

I was 14. She was 17. She could drive a car.

And she was sitting behind the wheel.

She said, "Come here."

This is me.

Thank you for making tonight so easy.

Oh... It was a great, great pleasure.

Um, I have to ask you this.

First of all, I think you're great.

And second, I know that the chances of this going past this evening are slim, but... would you mind if I... kissed you?

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that.

All right, all right. I'll just rewind the tape about 30 seconds.

Shut up and kiss me.

Oh, hell.

[clears throat]

I think this belongs to you.

Thank you.

[Sharon] Ginsburger!

Ooh. I'm gonna need a bigger back seat.

Paging Dr. Derek.

[Adrianne] Is this good? Uh-huh.

This is fine, this is totally fine.

Okay.

I love how your generation still feels the need to get fancy for air travel.

It's so cute.

[Diane] Okay...

Call me when you get back to L.A. Of course.

I love you. I love you, too.

Be safe. Bye-bye.

Love you. Love you!

[groans]

[groans]

Quite an escape, Houdini.

Oh, God. I can't believe I'm doing this.

[pop music playing]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

You know, I can't get over it.

Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever seen a prettier sky.

Mmm. Right?

Cheers. Oh, cheers, okay.

Boom.

Can I show you something?

Sure. Come with me.

What are we doing? Wait.

Are you nervous? Oh... Should I be?

Mm-hmm.

I'm not sure I've ever met anybody who owned their own barn before.

You got to get out of the city more often.

Uh-huh. Oh, no, wait, no. Forget it.

There is no chance in hell I'm getting into that thing.

No. No!

You're gonna love it. It's gonna be great.

I'm sorry, but... What are you talking about?

No, I'm not getting in there.

These are the controls. Don't touch anything.

If you touch it, we'll crash.

Don't say that. I'm kidding.

This is my baby, okay?

See that "B" there? You see?

It's a Beechcraft Bonanza V-Tail. Okay.

And it's been my passion project for the last...

20 years.

Twenty years! Wait a minute. How old is this thing?

It's a 1951. Whoa!

I'm a 1951! Let me out of here!

No, seriously.

Okay, we're going up. Wait, no.

I'm gonna regret this!

Oh, please. No, no, you have a death wish. Death wish!

Please. We're all gonna die someday, Diane.

I just feel like it's worth living a little bit while we still can.

[screams]

[pop music playing]

[inaudible]

Overwhelming, huh?

Wanna hold on to the...

Oh, okay. Just hold on to it.

I'll hold on.

No! See that?

Yes.

Oh, no, that's...

I'm gonna bank, to the right. You're gonna bank?

[Diane] Oh...

[Mitchell] You know what that is?

Yes. That's Cathedral Rock.

That's right.

Oh, my God.


[sighs]

[whinnying]

And all this, though, from being a pilot is what you're saying, right? This? No.

No? No, what happened was I got out of the Air Force, and I went to work for this aeronautical research lab.

And, you know, I came up with this design that... that reduced engine drag in a jet.

It's silly, but it's a big patent, and this is what happened right here. See?

[cell phone vibrating]

You're gonna have to introduce me to your family.

When can I meet them?

I don't think that's a good idea. Why?

Because they're still very sensitive about their father and...

What about you?

Well, I'm... I mean, I loved him.

But I guess I realized I was in mourning for the end of something.

It's been a long time.

I mean, I guess, I don't know, the world sees your... your relationship in one way, you just kind of go along, but... then the truth is... it had been over between us for a long time.

So... what do you think of that?

You don't want to hear my sad story, do you?

Maybe you should tell me yours.

[Mitchell] I don't have a sad story.

[Diane] You don't have a sad story 'cause you're rich.

It's been 24 hours and there's still no answer.

Okay, I'm sure she's fine.

You're so sure everything is fine!

She could be passed out in a ditch somewhere!

Adrianne, please calm down.

I'm calling Jill. You're being hormonal!

[vibrates]

[vibrates]

[pop music playing]

Sharon, is that you?

Tom? Hi.

Wow! Hi!

Hi...

Unexpected. Yeah.

Your hair's... dark.

Oh, it's dyed.

I know. Right, right.

I want to introduce you to someone.

Oh, actually, I have to...

[Tom] Babe! Come here.

Babe, babe, I want you to meet Sharon.

Sharon, this is my fiancée, Cheryl.

It is so nice to meet you!

I've heard so much about you.

Sharon?

Excuse me, are you Sharon?

Yeah. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was in a complicated sinus surgery.

Don't ask. [chuckles]

Hi, I'm Dr. Derek.

You can just call me Derek.

Hi, I'm Tom.

Kill me now. I'm sorry, who are you?

Dr. Derek. Derek. Sharon's date.

Wow. Hi. I am Cheryl.

I didn't know you were seeing someone. That's great.

You look so amazing without your mask!

[coos] Oh, how sweet.

You should bring Dr. Derek to the party next week.

What? The double-engagement party.

Didn't Jared tell you?

[Tom] Cheryl and I got engaged.

We've having a little celebration with our friends.

But it really is for Jared and Kate.

[Cheryl] We would so love to have you. [Tom] Yes.

And you, too, Doctor. [Tom] Yeah.

Well, that sounds so nice!

Say, do you need a DJ? I do that on the side.

Ooh! Ooh!

[Tom] Do you do the vinyl or what do you do, CDs?

[chattering]

Here you go. Thank you.

You sure you're okay in the bar?

Yeah. It's gonna be like the good old days.

Cheers.


Ha! Am I ever.

Inner goddess doing the merengue, my ass!

So is this where you take all the boys?

Only the ones I don't want to be seen with at the bar.

Well, I'll choose to take that as a compliment.

Restricted area, huh?

[Vivian] Owner's perks.

Look at this.

A single solitary chair.

It's all a girl needs.

It's like a queen's throne atop her castle.

Look. Look at the view.

[Arthur] Yeah. Look at all those twinkling lights.

All those lives being lived.

As the poem goes, you took the road less traveled, and it made... all the difference.

You know, that's not really what that poem is about.

Is that right? No.

It's, um...

It's about how we... we tell the story of our lives, so we feel heroic, brave... but in fact, there's no difference in the paths to begin with.

No difference in the paths? Nope.

Fascinating poem.

Arthur, come here.

Look at this. You see that building with the red lights?

Is that our diner? Yeah.

I can't believe your hotel overlooks our favorite place.

According to the airline, your mother never boarded her flight.

Oh, my God. You said not to worry about it!

Okay, you can worry now. What?

However... we did trace a signal to her cell phone.

What? Okay.

What does that mean? We know where she is.

She's been kidnapped? I did not say that.

Is there a ransom? You know where she is?

In a case like this, it's best to remain calm.

Let's get a grip, folks. You know where she is?

If you had to guess, what would you say?

I don't have to guess, I actually know.

Well, then take us there! Can I see the pad?

I can't believe you put Viagra in my beer.

Well, it was an innocent mistake.

Oh, innocent. How is it innocent? You poisoned me.

Hardly.

Do not use that word.

I'm sorry. How does it feel? Hard!

I thought we weren't gonna use that word.

I can, you can't.

God, there are so many rules. Don't, Carol!

[tires squealing] Jeez.

I'll tell you something, I don't think it ought to go to waste.

[Bruce] Seriously! Stop it. [Carol] Calm down.

[sirens blaring]

Really? I'm being pulled over.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle.

I don't think that's a good idea, Officer.

Out of the car now!

Okay, okay.

Gosh darn it.

Man.

Look, I'm sorry. Uh, my wife put Viagra in my drink.

It's actually true. It's my bad, I'm so sorry.

But you see, it's just he's been having a little trouble in that department, and he was embarrassed.

And if there's one thing I know about this man, it's that he really hates to be embarrassed.

Isn't that true, Pup?

Oh, I hate a lot of things right now.

That's not even in the top three.

Will this affect your ability to drive?

[Bruce] No, ma'am. Mmm-mmm.

Okay.

Enjoy your night. [Bruce] Okay.

You, too.

Thank you.

[Mitchell] I think I like you.

Well, I think that's probably just the wine talking, right?

Wait.

You know what? I think I'm in trouble here.

Oh, I'm well past trouble. Yeah?

[thump] What?

I think I heard something.

It's probably just the wine talking, right?

[chuckling]

And how often does the wine talk in your world?

[gate opens] Oh, my God. Wait, who... who is that?

Mom? [Mitchell] Oh, boy.

[Diane shrieks]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Mom!

Honey, let me explain.

What the heck is happening here?

Hi. You must be, uh, Adrianne and Jill.

I'm Mitchell.

Chris. Stop it!

Mitchell, can you just...

[shrieks]

You okay?

[Jill] Mom! No, please. No, I'm fine.

Just let me explain, okay? I'll be right back.

Wait, where are you going?

She's okay. She's perfectly... She was in good hands. Relax.

You relax! [Mitchell] No, it's okay.

You relax! We've had a long day. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to give us a little jumpstart.

I thought maybe if we had a really nice night and things sort of naturally progressed, then maybe we would both feel better.

Great plan! Congratulations on the execution.

Sorry. I really was just trying to help you, Bruce.

Help me? By never once considering that I might have an opinion!

No, it's not just tonight. It's everything, Carol!

You've got me taking dance lessons.

Dance lessons for a talent show that I never even signed up for!

You've been going to my No Kid Hungry fundraiser for the past 15 years.

You always show up for me.

That was for dinner.

Well, forgive me for trying to find ways to keep us connected.

"Hey, Bruce, here's something you're gonna hate to do for the next two months, but in the end it'll be okay because there will be an onstage public shaming!

So happy anniversary!"

What, what? Sorry, sorry.

Didn't hear you at all, because my husband gave me these wonderful earplugs, so we wouldn't have to listen to each other anymore.

Happy anniversary!

Hey, and by the way, I got us the earplugs so you wouldn't miss any of your TV shows, just because I happen to love to fall asleep next to my wife in our bed!

So forgive me!

[bang]

[groans]

[grunts angrily]

[groans]

Okay, what are you doing? Come on.

Diane, I know this...

I know this is not the direction we hoped for this evening.

This is... It's such a disaster! Do you see what I mean?

You've got to admit it was kind of funny. A cop showed up!

No, it wasn't kind of funny.

This whole thing is just one giant mistake.

You don't believe that.

I get that it's embarrassing, but who gives a shit?

No, you know what? You don't get it, Mitchell.

You know why? Because you don't have kids.

Kids? They're like adults, your kids.

You know, you're out here on your ranch, with no one to take care of but yourself.

Okay, that's fine for you, but that's not the real world.

I have a family and I have responsibilities.

I'm sorry, but that's my world. I'm sure I don't understand everything you're going through right now.

That's right. You don't have a clue.

Listen to me. Look at me. I know we just met.

But you can't spend your entire life just going around taking care of other people.

That's also not part of the real world.

Okay, hey!

Diane. What? What?

I'm saying it's okay to be happy, Diane.

Well, I'm really... I'm sorry, but I have to go.


[rock music playing]


[music fades]

Bruce. Bruce, honey.

What?

I know I've been acting a little crazy lately.

And obviously I went overboard tonight.

Really?

My gosh, I hadn't noticed.

I am so sorry.

I embarrassed you... and I made you feel like you didn't matter.

I just don't know what's been going on with you for the last few months and it scares me.

I know what I did was wrong, and...

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

I got spooked.

Spooked?

Yeah, at the... retirement party.

You know, I saw...

40 years just... vanish.

And I didn't know who I was anymore.

Well, what was I gonna do?

What can I do?

I got scared.

I am scared.

And I need a little time to figure out who I am again.

[Carol] I hear you.

And I'm not gonna try to fix everything on my own... tempting though that may be.

And I'm not gonna make you do a bunch of stuff that you don't want to do, like dancing at the fundraiser.

I know you never wanted to do that.

So forget it, okay?

I'm going to bed.

[Carol] Whoa, ice cream straight from the tub?

Yeah, well, I ran into Tom and his very happy fiancée.

Ah!

They're hosting a double-engagement party at their house.

Oh, did I mention he calls her "babe"?

Which is sort of perfect since she's a child.

Oh, no. Yeah.

What did I miss?

Well, Sharon is never dating again.

And we're all miserable.

So basically nothing has changed.

Yeah, well...

Whoa. Since when do you eat ice cream?

[mumbles] Since now.

So I take it things went south for you, too?

I slept with Arthur.

Now, there's a shocker.

No, not sex.

I actually fell asleep with him.

You've never been able to sleep with a man before!

I know.

So, I mean... you didn't have sex?

We slept on a couch and he tickled my arm.

Oh, boy, now this is a disaster. When is he leaving?

Not soon enough! God, I got a brain freeze.

Here, give that to a professional.

Oh, my God!

Well, anyway, I have an announcement.

Okay.

I am...

I'm officially... moving to Arizona.

What? Oh, tell me it's for the pilot!

No, no, no. For my daughters.

This has gone from bad to worse!

Well, I mean, they renovated the basement for me, and everything is slip resistant, and I can walk into the tub.

Oh, my God. Ick.

But what about the pilot?

Crashed and burned. I mean, we're not 18 anymore.

Nope.

We're sure not spring flowers.

No. More like potpourri.

So, this is...

[groans] Oh, my God, this is my last book club!

Oh, no, you're kidding!

Oh, Diane!

Do we even want to talk about the book?

[groans]

I hate this book, okay? Done. [Vivian] Me, too.

Yeah.

Are we really this pathetic?

None of us have anything interesting to say?

Well, my little affair ended with me in a pool on top of an inflatable swan and my daughters showing up with the police!

Well, that certainly qualifies as interesting.

I'm assuming you were not in that pool alone.

Well... I was not.

Good for you.

Do I want to get us another one of these?

Oh, yeah. Yes!

[Diane] The sooner the better.

[pop music playing]

Men make life impossible.

Oh, God, tell me about it.

Well, you're one to talk.

Ditching God's gift to women so you can live in a basement and breastfeed your daughter's children?

You know something? That's really rich coming from you.

You've been stuck on Tom for 18 years, and you don't even like the guy.

He's not at your level.

Eighteen years ago, you couldn't wait to get rid of him.

But you've conveniently erased that little piece of history.

Wish I could erase a little piece of my history.

[Diane sighs]

Well... What?

I was fine until Arthur came along.

I had a happy existence.

Had a roster of men that would satisfy my every whim.

Oh, my God, I can't listen to this anymore.

You really believe you're satisfied? How could you be?

You're so terrified of getting hurt that you do everything you can to push away love.

[sighs]

I'm gonna go back to having sex and not caring.

Because that's what works for me, okay?

Stop lying to yourself, Vivian.

Not everything in the world is about sex.

Did you even read the book?

This is a love story.

That is what the world wants. That's what the world needs.

So, okay, you can have sex with anybody.

Well, whoop-de-fricking-do.

But you know what? Eventually, people need a little bit more than that.

Everybody's got baggage and pain and problems, but... even Christian Grey fell in love.

Yeah, and he was fifty shades of fucked-up.

So... here you go.

Book three? I am not sure we'll survive another one.

Oh... Oh, God.

God, I...

I really am gonna miss this. Right?

[Vivian] Oh, honey.

Have a good drive. Thanks again.

[sighs]

Ginsburg.

What's happening here?

[coos] Huh, honey? What's happening?

[Diane] Look at you. Look at you.

Yeah, yeah. Look at you.

[cell phone ringing]

[ringing stops]

[door closes]

You're not taking my calls.

I don't have my phone with me.

[cell phone ringing]

[ringing stops]

Do you know why I first started on radio?

No, I don't.

Because I loved the idea of no matter what I said or what music I played... millions of people could just turn on their radios and hear it.

But then as I got older...

I realized that... reaching millions and millions of anonymous people... doesn't come close... to reaching just one person you love.

And I'm... I'm leaving tomorrow.

And it got me thinking... wouldn't it be nice if... you were coming with me to New York?

But then I thought about it and I thought about you... and your hotel and your rooftop... and your inability to make proper wishes.

I have no interest in trying to change you, Vivian.

I love who you are.

Rich and independent... and a total pain in the ass.

That does sound like... like me.

And here we are, staring at two paths.

And I know how I feel.

I know that you're the person that I want to talk to.

You're the person I want to listen to.

You're the person I want to splash in the fountain.

You're my person, Slim.

And I just wanted to know what you thought about that.

It's... It's been really nice seeing you again, Arthur.

I hope you have a safe trip home.

[sighs]

[laughter]

[chattering]

[calypso music playing]

Hi. Hi.

Hi, everybody. I'd like to take a second to say a few words.

As most of you know, I'm Tom Meyers, Jared's dad.

On behalf of my fiancée, Cheryl, and myself, I want to thank you all for coming.

Kate, we're so excited to welcome you and invite you into the family.

Jared, we are so very happy for you. Thanks, Dad.

As Shakespeare said, "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind."

How right he was.

Love takes thought and care, and I'm glad that all the plus columns lined up.

[laughter]

Kate, you're getting one of the good ones.

[all] Aww...

Sorry, I said I wouldn't do this. To Jared and Kate.

[guests] Cheers!

Oh!

I didn't mean to do that, sorry.

Um, as... as few...

Well, if any of you know, I'm Jared's mother, Judge Meyers.

Or Sharon.

I just wanted to say, I don't think that's what Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote those lines.

He was saying Cupid is blind.

He wasn't saying that people should go think themselves into love and a system of pluses or minuses.

Oh! [Sharon] But whatever.

Anyway, when I look at my son...

I am so proud of him because... he has had the courage to put himself out there, and he's found someone to make him happy.

That's inspiring.

Even for someone as old as me.

[laughter]

The truth is... love is not blind, and it's not a battlefield, and it's not the sun or the moon or everything we load onto it.

It's just a word until someone gives it meaning.

And that's what the two of you have found in each other.

In fact, all four of you.

And we all deserve that.

Well done.

[guests] Cheers!

[Tom] Kate and Jared.

[cell phone ringing]

[groans]

[groans] Hello?

[hotel operator] Miss O'Donnell, I'm calling to confirm that Mr. Riley has officially checked out.

Thank you.

[doorbell ringing]

[door opening]

Hi, sweetie.

[gasps] Hey.

What happened? We've been trying to call all afternoon.

[Diane] What, you're still in a robe?

[Sharon] Carol's show starts in an hour.

I saw Arthur last night.

Oh, fun.

No! I broke up with him once and for all.

[gasps]

[Vivian] I did. What happened?

He told me he wanted to invite me to move to New York with him, but he realized he didn't want to change me because he loves me the way I am.

And he only wants to talk to me, and he only wants to listen to me.

He told me I was his person.

[groans] I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not actually following here.

No, me, neither.

You said that he loves you... as you are?

[Carol] He doesn't want to change you?

And he wanted to know your thoughts?

So you broke up with him? Well, yeah, exactly! Duh.

Are you out of your mind?

Okay, where is he?

He checked out and he's on his way to New York.

Okay. Okay. Time to get dressed.

[Carol] Yup. That's it, Viv, you're going after him.

Get up, get up. [Vivian] No! Oh, my God.

What time is his flight?

Huh? Never mind, I'll figure it out.

She has to put on something sexy.

Everything she owns is sexy!

I can't... Oh, God! It is so yucky, and this is so needy!

Sharon, I am not desperate.

No, you are not. You are stupid.

No, I am not. You just... You don't understand.

I know how this story ends, and I do not like it.

If he has me, he's gonna get bored.

He hasn't seen me naked in 40 years!

I know. I'm sorry. Oh, my God...

I'm no fool! I know what happens.

He's gonna cheat on me and leave me for a younger woman.

And then I'm gonna lose everything.

And it's just... it's not worth it!

Okay, baby, there you go. It isn't worth it.

[shrieks]

I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry.

But it had to be done, all right?

[chuckles]

[laughter]

It's okay. His flight leaves in an hour.

God, are you sure? [Sharon] Yes.

Okay, earrings! Time to go.

Do I look okay? Yes, you look great.

Oh, the girls.

You want me to put those on? Yep. Go.

Okay! Go, go, go, go!

[laughter]

I put a lipstick and compact in there.

Oh, that's so great! Oh, thanks.

Oh, my God, do I look okay? Yes! Yes.

[Diane cheers]

[Sharon] Here we go. [Diane] Bye!

Bye. [Vivian] Bye.

[doorbell]

[knocking]

My shoes.

Oh, and Carol, your show!

Oh, God, don't be ridiculous.

And Diane... you're leaving!

Oh, my God, you're leaving. What am I gonna do?

Shoes!

Oh, God, thank you, guys. I love you so much.

[shouts] To the airport, Mario!

[Latin music playing]

[audience cheering]

Okay, that's scary.

[audience cheering]

You're gonna do great! Gonna do great.

[audience whooping]

[audience cheering]

And that was Jed and Leyla Sanderson performing!

Hard to believe she's an anesthesiologist.

Arthur, it's Vivian. Call me back before you board your plane.

Mario, are you using Waze?

[Mario] Yes, Miss O'Donnell, but I don't think we're gonna make it.

And last but not least, everyone's favorite chef and our fearless organizer.

Dancing a solo will be... Carol Colby!

[applause]

["I'd Do Anything for Love" by Meat Loaf playing]

Wait. No, no, wait. Sorry.

That's not the right song.

It's supposed to be "Red, Red Robin Goes Bob, Bob..."

Oh, shoot. Meat Loaf? Come on!

Aw, screw it.

Oh, my God, she's tap dancing to Meat Loaf!

[Diane] And she's pulling it off!

[feet tapping]

[Carol shrieks]

[cheering]

Bruce!

[cheering]

Five, six, seven, eight...


Oh, my God.

My, oh, my! How about those Colbys?

A romantic way to end the show.

Oh God, I can't believe you're here.

I couldn't miss a chance to dance with my girl.

You were incredible. No, I wasn't.

None of our steps go with Meat Loaf.

Who needs the steps? We were dancing.

I'm sorry. Your cell phone is poking me.

No, I didn't bring my cell phone.

Oh. You want to go home now? What do you say?

I say yes. Okay.

Arthur!

I thought you left.

I did.

I went to the airport to try to see you.

Why are you here?

I realized I... forgot to give you back your penny.

Why did you go to the airport?

I realized I wanted my penny back.

See, I tried to live without it for... for the past 40 years.

And I didn't like it.

Do you want to make a wish?

I do.

Oh, my God, you probably killed someone.

There's a subroof.

Nancy in my office, she's in a book club, and I thought you might like to meet her.

Well, that's... that's very sweet.

Anyone else want another piece of pizza?

I have one.

Mom. What?

You're not hungry?

I guess not.

Well, I mean, you're probably exhausted.

[scoffs]

It's really not okay that you drove here all by yourself.

At your age, Mom, you could have killed somebody.

I really don't think so.

And the fact that you don't even realize that is what is so scary.

Oh, Jesus! Will you just...

[groans]

Please stop, okay?

I mean, really!

Oh, my God.

Okay.

You know how proud I am of both of you.

[sighs]

The greatest gift I think a parent can give a child is to lead by example, and I don't think I did a very good job.

But your father...

Oh, my goodness, he was stable, wasn't he?

And smart and kind.

He was just a great dad.

Fine husband. And we had a nice life.

But there's something... I really have to say.

There's a man out there who makes me feel things that I didn't think were... still possible.

You know what he does? He makes me feel curious and excited about the world.

And maybe things with us will go bust.

Maybe my feelings will be hurt, but that's life.

And in spite of what you both seem to think...

I'm not through living mine just yet.

I have things that I want to explore.

And guess what? I think I've earned that right.

So it's time for all of this to just stop, okay?

You both seem to have very, very strong parenting instincts.

But do save it for your children because your mother is doing just fine.

And...

I know I'm getting older.

But I'm still learning.

And one of the biggest lessons I've learned is not to be afraid to be happy.

I love you both.

But I'm not staying here anymore.

Mom...

Mom! Mom!

Have fun.

Love you.

Love you, Mom. Love you.

Drive safe! [Jill] Bye!

[pop music playing]


Can I come in?

No way.

No way? No way.

What's in the U-Haul? Just my overnight bag.

My inner goddess says, "Most definitely yes."

[pop music playing]

Oh. Yeah, yeah, I see the arms.