Bordello of Blood (1996) Script




We're behind schedule.

Hold it right here.

It's a good thing you didn't tell us this is where you wanted to come.

Why is that, toad boy?

Because we wouldn't have. This place is dangerous.

There's a legend. Four hundred years ago, a ship stopped near here and left behind a treasure.

Must be a big treasure for someone to go to the end of the Earth to hide it.

And for some gringo to go just as far to dig it up. Huh?

You're a smart boy, Miguel.

And because of that, I'm gonna let you have some of what we find.

Ah, remember you say that. Oh, I will.

I'm gonna let it have a little of you too.

Right about here.

Tell your men to start diggin' right here.

The opening to the cavern's about two or three feet down.

A cavern? That's what the Indians say.

The men who came buried the treasure in a cavern.

You know, this thing doesn't look like a treasure chest, huh?

Looks more like a casket.

You're right again, amigo.

And inside it is the most incredible treasure in the whole world.

Cut the straps.

Come on. Open it up.

What the fuck!

Boys, meet Lilith.

That's it? That's your goddamn treasure?

You bet it is. This here is the most horrible woman the world has ever known.

And she's all mine.

You sick, pathetic, little piece of shit.

You drag us all the way to the end of the Earth for a fucking stiff?


This ain't no ordinary stiff, my friends.

I've been looking for this little lady for ten long years.

I've searched the four corners of the Earth... just to find her heart... so I could give it back to her.


H-How are you doing that?

What can I say, boys?

I know how to turn a woman on.

Damn. That's not supposed to happen.

Wake up!

Wake up, you bitch! Shit!

Wrap her up. We're taking her with us.

You sick piece of shit.

¡Jefe! ¡Jefe, mira aquí! ¡Ahora! ¡Aquí está!

- My God, blood. Blood.

Ay, madrecita.

Oh, mama!

Wh-What is that? - It's a vampire.

The mother of all vampires!

Come to me.

No! No!

Chill, baby.

What is that? You don't get to the movies too often, do ya?

"Movies"? It's the only thing that keeps her in line.

The blood inside gives whoever possesses the key total power over Lilith.

It doesn't matter where the key is.

In a pocket.

In a safe.

Or right in her face.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

- Hey, beautiful, if I give you one more, What are you doing?

You promise to behave? Anything for you, lover.

You son of a bitch.

Then she rips his face off, and she eats him!

I-I know. It-It doesn't sound like all that much, but it'll do great business foreign.

And the cassette... Believe me.

You know the last picture that I directed made a fortune.

I don't need to tell you what a piece of shit that was.

No, you don't. I know what a piece of shit it was.

Jack! Jack. How are you?

Kudos to you, my friend, on your promotion.

We must do lunch. Must, must, must.

What a schmuck that guy is.

When I was still acting in motion pictures, I couldn't get him to call me back.

Not a single goddamn phone call!

Now, of course, he'd give his left nut to work with me.

And I'd give my left nut for this lunch to be over.

Which brings me to why I've asked you here today.

You and I have been friends for a long time.

Yes, yes. We have, haven't we?

Just as well you feel that way... because I don't think this tomb is big enough for the both of us.

Which is why I would like... to propose a friendly little competition.

Winner take all.

You're on, pal.

One. Two.

Three! My rock beats your scissors!

Give me that hand.

That didn't hurt one bit.

You ready for round two?

Go for it!

Well, kiddies, looks like your pal the Crypt Keeper's in for the fright of his life.

Um, I mean death.

Which is kind of like the man in tonight's tawdry tale.

He's about to meet the ghoul of his dreams... in a nasty bit of scarnal knowledge I call...

Bordello of Blood.

...for all those who revere him the most, who aren't afraid to say, "I walk with the Lord."

That's why everyone here at the Current World Ministries has made the Lord's work... our number one priority.

We can't do this important work...

Without your generous donations.

So get out your checkbooks... and help wipe Satan's slimy hold from the face of mankind.

The Bible tells us... Caleb!


Are you out of your mind?

Half the neighborhood can hear this music!

Well, I am very sorry. I must apologize.

There! That's for the other half.

Would it kill you to be considerate for two seconds of your life?

Yeah, it probably would.

Well, great.

Keep it down.

Thanks. I was going out anyway.

Where are you going? You're my sister, not my parole officer.

A parole officer's exactly what you need. Fuck you.

Caleb, look, don't go out looking for trouble, okay? Stay home. Please?

Are you afraid that I'm gonna go out and have some fun, for God's sakes?

I know what it is. You're afraid that maybe I'm gonna be sentenced to hell!

Well, I got news for you, sister. I'm already in hell.

Shut up! You shut up.

Nice shot, dude. One more, we win.

Shit! What are you talking about? All right.

Hey, five bucks if you hit him in the nuts. Are you serious?

What? Five bucks in the nuts, man.

Hey, six bucks if you don't. Six dollars?

- We got six dollars over here. Fuck that. Ten dollars.

Ten fuckin' dollars. You got it.

Sixteen dollars if you don't. Sixteen dollars!

That's 16. Can you beat it?

Can you beat it? That's too rich, brother.

Looks like we got ourselves a bet. Let's go.

Stick him, baby.

Let's go, man.

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, dude. It slipped.

Look at it this way, pal. At least they're paying for the beers.

My kids are gonna have holes in 'em.

I wish you boys would stop playing that game. It's disgusting.

Why don't you just go out and get yourselves laid?

That's not a bad idea.

Louise, why don't you come over here and give me a little piece of what you got goin' on?

You're a little young for me, honey.

Why don't you come back when you grow some hair on your nuts, and we'll talk about it.

Oh, my. Why don't you come look at my nuts? They're very nice.

Here's to getting laid, boys. Sooner or later.

Here's to gettin' laid sooner and later.

Boys, I know a place... not too far from here... where you can get the best goddamn piece of ass... in the whole goddamn world.

They got girls that'll do things... there aren't even names for.

Why don't you get fucked?

I'm talkin' about gettin' fucked so good... you might be able to crawl home three days later.

Okay. Okay. Sounds pretty intense. All right, man?

325 Bowmont.

Ask for the Cunningham... wake!

You crazy, bug-eyed motherfucker!

You better walk away. I'll kick your ass, man.

Can you believe this asshole? He's insane, man.

He's nuts. Yo, Caleb.

Where you goin', man? Where the fuck you think? The Cunningham wake.

What? You pussies comin' or what?

No. N-No!

What are you doin', man? The guy's insane.

"McCutcheon Funeral Home"?

325 Bowmont. That's what the guy said.

You think there's a party going on inside? I don't know.

But if one member of the Addams Family opens the door, I'm outta here.

Come on, try again.


Can I help you boys?

Okay. We're outta here. I don't think so.

Here for the Cunningham wake, are we?

Excuse me.

Nice place. You got about 10,000 termites holding hands here?

I hope you boys are ready to have fun.

Just the thought of all that naked flesh waiting for you.

I'd join you myself, but somebody has to watch the door.

Been so busy tonight.

Yeah, looks like a packed house to me.

Yeah. Come on, boys.

Keep up, keep up. This guy's pretty fuckin' creepy.

Oh, my God.

It's a necrophiliac's wet dream.

Come on, boys. The girls are waiting.

Girls. Girls.

Come on. Chop, chop. In you go.

You want us to get in the coffin? Yes.

You're outta your mind, old man. Yeah.

We were gonna take you up, but, uh, thanks, we've changed our minds.

Changed your minds?

I'm afraid this is the only way out. Come along, boys.

Get with the program. The party is this way.

You heard the man. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Come, come. Really. I insist.

No, I insist. Oh, man.

I don't like this.

Man, I must really be horny. Fuck.

What a handsome couple you'll make.


It's dark! Let me out! Let me out of here!

Let me out of here!

Let me out! Let me out! This isn't funny!

Are we dead yet?

I think we died and went to heaven.

Evening, boys.

We've been waiting for you.

Come inside, boy. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit. Wow.

This is deep.

Hi, boys. Hi, girl.

How would you like to take the skin express to Tuna Town?

Well, how do I get myself a ticket?

Looks like you already got one.

It's a very small ticket. It's a short ride.

It's a ticket.

Hey, man. Kill her.

I'm Patrice.

I want it fast, and I want it dirty. I can do that.

Oh, baby, you're getting me so hot.

Oh, I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh, that's a great start.

Oh, yeah. Um, do you want me to take off my clothes too?

Okay. You've got nice skin.

Nice hair.


Nice blood. What the hell did you do that for?

'Cause I want to taste every last bit of you.

Um... okay.

Do you mind if I cut in?

Who are you? The name's Lilith.

I'm the boss. Didn't Tallulah explain how we work here? No.

She gets you ready, And then I finish you off.

Oh. So... are you ready?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm ready.

Come here and show me what you got.


Don't eat your heart out, baby. That's my job.

Wow, I guess I finally found a girl with a little something extra.

So, what are your hobbies?

There's something I need to ask you about. Um...

My girls know better than to talk with their mouth full.


Two chicks. That's cool.

You care for a little deep throat?

Deputy, you don't understand.

My brother's been gone for days. Ma'am, I understand just fine.

Right now, I'm up to my eyeballs in missing persons.

I'll get to your brother... after I've gotten to all these cases first.

I'm sorry. That could take forever.

Ma'am, I'm sorry. Fucking cops are unbelievable.

Great. Now that's just ridiculous.

A pretty lady like you being treated like that.

Excuse me? I'm sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.

My name is, uh, Rafe Guttman, Guttman Investigations.

I specialize in missing persons.

Can I get that back?

I'm savin' trees. Just doin' my part.

I have an office. Maybe you and I could go talk...

Watch what you're doing, huh? Rafe Guttman.

We could talk about this. Unless you want to stay here... and let the A-Team get to your brother's case.

I've had a few run-ins with the cops myself, Miss...

I didn't catch your name. Verdoux, Katherine.

Look, Mr. Guttman... Call me Katherine.

I'm not sure that I'm ready to hire someone right now.

What are you waiting for? Every minute you delay, it's harder to find your brother.

You gotta trust me. I'm an expert.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to talk.

Of course it wouldn't. And I'll be gentle.

And, you know, I can't believe it, but I'm actually going to ask a woman this:

Uh, haven't I met you somewhere before?

Must be my imagination.

Well, anyway, we're here.

And I know you're already feeling a little bit better about me, aren't you?

Why don't you plunk it down right over there?

So tell me about your brother.

We had a fight. He went out, and he never came back.

That's one hell of a tiff.

That sort of stuff happen all the time? We argue a lot.

Then he goes out, gets drunk with his friends, and usually he comes home.

Yeah, not this time.

I'll tell ya what, I'm gonna need the names of those friends.

I'm gonna need some phone numbers, some addresses.

Maybe a photo, charcoal rendering. You got anything like that?

Yeah, I did bring a picture with me.

What are you lookin' at? Uh, your clutch. I'm a purse freak.

I'm looking at you. I swear to God I know you. We've never met?

I don't think so.

Well, you know something, dearie, if it's any consolation to you, you're just not my type.

That is comforting. Believe me.

Can I get you something? Maybe a cookie, popcorn, a little Prozac, dear?

I'm fine.

So this is your brother. Jesus Christ.

Wow. Same parents?

Can I keep this? Yeah, I suppose so.

I might have to wear this in a locket.

How much is this gonna cost me? A hundred and fifty a day, plus expenses.

Now I know I made a mistake. No, come on.

Don't club me with the dramatics.

I've got a half-price sale this week on missing brothers. How's that?


One sec.

Hello. Guttman Investigations. You've got Guttman.

What the fuck are you doing calling me here?

For Christ's sake, what do you want now?

You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality.

I'm not hiding out on you! Business has been dreck!

I don't care what your slimebag lawyer says, I'm not holding out on you!

Don't you get it? You cleaned me out.

You're a high colonic in a dress! What a sleaze.

I gotta go. Fuck you.

Hey, where you goin'? Somethin' spook you?

No, I'm fine. Don't worry. I will pay you for your time.

I don't want paid for my time. I want paid for helping you.

Like it or not, Katherine, I'm all you've got.

I'm gonna win this one for you, honey.

And you.

You just couldn't possibly get any cooler, could you?

Excuse me?

I am Rafe Guttman.

Guttman Investigations.

There's my card.

Nice card, Rafe.

Let me give you a hand with your card, Rafe. All right.

Let me put that there for ya. I'm considering the gauntlet officially thrown, friend.

Yeah. Listen, uh, you're Zeke, aren't you?

I'm Zeke. Zeke, I'm looking for your friend, Caleb.

You seen him? I don't know anyone named Caleb, Rafe.

You don't know shot selection either. You really gonna do that?

You really thinking of that? You're gonna pot the cue ball, man.

Why don't you go to hell. Why don't I get out of the way of the shrapnel.

Goddamn it! What did I tell ya?

What's happening, Tonto?

Your shot.

Are you still here, man? I'm still here, and that cue ball's still potted.

I see you boys both have a nose thing.

Maybe you watch a little too much QVC, huh?

That's quick. Fuck you.

Consider me fucked.

What's next on the shit shot agenda here for Zeke? You cannot be serious.

Really, you should think about putting the three in the... Look.

I don't know where Caleb is, all right? Uh-huh.

Him and Reggie, they went off to get laid. Long trip.

Why don't you get the fuck outta my face, tiger?

I'm there for you, Zekey. What about you, Stephen Hawking?

You seen Caleb? You seen his girlfriend?

He ain't got no girlfriend. No.

They went to a whorehouse. Oh, you like whorehouses, don't ya?

At this point in your life, you're pretty much at peace with having to pay for it.

Hey, you got an address on that whorehouse?

Um, Bowmont, I think. Bowmont? You got a number for me?

Come on, squeeze it out.


You are making such progress.

I'm gonna get Nurse Ratched to notch back on your dosage.

This is real cute. I hate to break it up, but I wanna play some pool here.

Shot number three. Uh-huh.

I don't know, man. Fuck off!

I'm telling you, man, that's a bad, bad angle.

Oh! Oh, asshole! Jeez!

Six-pack in the side cleavage.

You know what? Step outside.

You know, Zeke, not right now.

Just not in the mood for a blow job.

I gotta rock, kids.

Oh, Mrs. Johnson, you were robust, vital.

That's the Mrs. Johnson I'll remember.

Before the horrid ravaging reduced her to the frail, the emaciated, worm-eaten thing... that she became. It's so fuckin' bright in here.

Why do they need the lights on? Let us pay tribute to the Mrs. Johnson... we all knew and loved.

She was a good woman.


A good three of them.

We shall always remember her...

As a heavy weight in our hearts.

Internment will follow at the Mount Hope Cemetery... in Hemmingford.


She was a heavyweight.

Be a friend to Jesus.

It's good to have the Lord as your friend.

God's light shines down upon us all.

That's why I say, "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

I don't mean just 'cause it's sunny.

I mean... it is... a beautiful day!

My friends, a little while ago I promised you all... that we would change the world.

Yes, that we... would make it ready for the judgment day.

'Cause it's coming.

That's right. Yes.


It's coming! Yes, it is!

That's right. Yes!

It's coming soon. Hallelujah!

Well, now I can tell you all... that the final battle is upon us, that the assault on sin itself has begun.

And when the smoke clears, is there a doubt in any of your minds who... will be the victor?

Yeah! Testify!

And you... Do it, Jimmy!

You good people.

You, who are the guts and the organs... and the heart of the Jimmy Current World Ministry, you praise Him!

You will be the ones who will lead the rest of the Lord's children to glory!

Glory! That's right! I said glory!

Glory! Praise Him!

Yes! I said, "Glory!" Glory!

Thanks, boys.

That was amazing, J.C.

Thank you, darlin'. Bless you. Reverend?

I have those construction plans for you to see.

Brother Vincent, I'll look at them in my office.

And you tell that TelePrompTer operator, he loses me again, I'm gonna fire his butt.

Lord bless you and keep you.

Lord bless you and keep you. You got some figures for me? Yes, I do.

For under $5 million, we can have a Lord's Shopping Network on air by the end of the year.

I will have all the product tie-ins for you by next week.

That's incredible, Katherine. You're incredible.

Thank you.

Katherine. Hi.

This is Rafe Guttman. He's the man I hired... to help me find my brother. Have you found him yet?

Sorry, Rev, I'm on her dime, not yours.

Oh, I don't have any secrets from J.C. It's fine.

That's all right. I got a ton of work on my desk.

Good to meet you, Mr. Gutten.

Well, he just radiates a Christlike glow, doesn't he?

Nice place, Katherine.

Sort of like Superman's dad's joint on Krypton.

Mr. Guttman, have you found my brother yet?

I haven't made contact, but I did get a lead on him.

He and a friend of his evidently went to a local whorehouse.

A whorehouse? A house inhabited by whores.

Okay. Well, I figured it would be something like that.

Thank you for your time. My checkbook's in my office.

I'll be right back.

You know, I've not nearly finished my investigation.

If that's where he is, I'd rather not know about it.

What is it with these religiosos that makes 'em so uptight?

That's a shame too 'cause she was hot. Really hot.

As women of God go, she was ungodly.

You could always convert.

No, man. That old-time religion and sex just don't mix.

Unless, of course, you're a Catholic priest.


You lookin' for sex?

Well, Hop along chimin' in over there.

I might be. But throw a Bic lighter on that burger first.

It's still mooin'.

Didn't I see you at the funeral today?

I know a place not too far from here... where you can get the best goddamn piece of ass... in the whole goddamn world.

They got girls that'll do things there aren't even names for.

You know, you make it sound really enticing.

325 Bowmont.

Ask for the Cunningham wake.

All right. Thank you. You loosen that headband, okay?

Oh, you look very lovely tonight, Mrs. Factor.

We're going to have some wild games tonight.

And I want you to know something, Mrs. Factor.

I'm very proud and happy to have you on my slab.


Lovely perfume.

Who is that?

Yes? I'm here for the Cunningham wake.

I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow.

I, uh, really must pay my respects right now.

Then I suggest you come back tomorrow. Maybe you don't understand me.

I'm feeling excruciatingly sad. I'm so sorry.

If I don't grieve right now, maybe even grieve two or three times, I'm gonna go out of my mind, okay?

I suggest that you go mourn... somewhere in private with a box of tissues.

What else did Vincent tell you? He told me that you took good care of the girls... and that you offer some kind of benefits.

Is that true?

There's never any peace.

Hi, I'm here... The wake is closed tonight, you little shit.

Come back tomorrow. But... But I...

I'm coming to you, Mrs. Factor.



Ooh! Deadly.


Wow. Hey, guys, lookin' for a scalpel for a friend's birthday present.

Seen a salesperson? No? Okay.

Stealin' from the dead, huh?

What the hell?

So we have our sunrise symbolizing faith... and the dove symbolizing good value.

Of course, once we animate it, the dove will appear to fly straight into camera.

I like it.

It's simple, clean.

And tasteful. Don't forget tasteful.

Sorry to disturb you, but I have something you should see.

I thought you said Mr. Guttman had finished his investigation.

He has finished. Mr. Guttman...

Mr. Guttman... your job is done.

Now, if you don't leave, I'll be forced to have you removed.

Fine. Katherine, you should really take a look at that.

Take care, you two.

Mr. Guttman.

Yes, Miss Verdoux? Where did you find this?

I found that at the McCutcheon Mortuary, which also happens to be the McCutcheon Brothel, where young men gather to get stiff amongst the stiffs.

Unfortunately, most of them end up getting ripped off or even worse.

Why am I telling you that for? Like you care.

Are you sure about this?

Maybe we should call the police. "We"?

Oh, I'm back on the team now.

Christ, you're so nervous. You gotta listen to me.

I'm gonna try to be as discreet as I can, all right?

As far as going to the police, until we have something solid, that's a mistake.

I'm staking out the mortuary tonight.

You have to trust me, okay?

Hey! Hey! Captain Moped, wait up!

Hey, hey, what's happenin', wild thing?

You're lookin' cool tonight. You must know Mickey Rourke.

Mind if I ask you a few questions? Here's my card.

My name is Rafe Guttman. I'm-I'm out of cards.

Oh. Here to try your luck again?

I've got good news for you, but I'm afraid there's only room for one.

This way, young man. Sorry, kid.

Hey, wait a second!

You'll wait right here. You got me?

So this is my pathway to paradise, huh? Oh, yes.

And the girls are waiting for you. Ah, the girls.

Let them eat a guy named Cake.

They also like crumpet too.

Guess where you've just landed, lover?

Uh, Larry Flynt's id?

Vegetarian. Another vegetarian.

I hate vegetarians.

Here, baby, this Bud's for you.

Mm-hmm. Yummy.

We have a little problem upstairs, I'm afraid.

Mr. Jenkins...

I understand you have a problem.

I can't take it anymore. Well, have you been wearing sun block?

You know the sun is very hard on undead skin.

And you're not even fully undead yet. It's a process.

I don't care what it is. It hurts. Men.

Such big babies.

Yeah, I just love a man who gives you head... and lets you keep it.

Lucy, I'm home.

Tammy, I love what you've done with it.

Maybe I would hang a picture of dogs playing poker over there.

But that would be my only quibble.

Take off your clothes, worm. What's that?

Medieval foreplay?

Tamara, maybe I'm a traditionalist, but I've always thought it should be ladies before worms.

So... you first.

You are not gonna believe this, but I almost wore that tonight.

Wouldn't we have been mortified? Now it's your turn.

All right.

Leave your shirt on!

A little early to be repulsed, isn't it?

I thought it was a cross.

Let me take it off.

Be gentle. I used to be a virgin... I think.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Take it easy. Easy.

Pull back on the stick, Amelia.

You know, the weave isn't even paid for yet.

Now, what about this funky little Barcalounger? Break this down for me.

Well, first I'd strap in one hand. Yeah? Like this?

Yeah. Then...

I presume, the other hand goes there.

Right? You comfy? Uh-huh.


I hate to be a painful party pooper, but I gotta split, okay?

You have been a super little host.

You bastard!

Huh. There's always something going on.

Men. Always leaving something behind.

I really am sorry. Mmm.

I don't know what happened.

One minute I thought I had him, and the next...

I knew it. It's one in a million.

Very rare, this blood type.

And I haven't tasted that since... Ivan the Terrible.

That was four centuries ago.

Hmm. Mmm.

Oh, we gotta keep him alive.

Who the hell are you? The name's Lilith.

You left this behind.

It's not very nice to leave a girl hanging like that.

I'll have to apologize next time I see her.

I didn't mean her.

I meant me.

You know, I saw you back at the house.

And when I did, I knew you were special.

I'll bet you say that to all the boys.

Yeah, but with you I mean it.

Listen, uh, Lilith, I'm reasonably sure... you're the type of woman who's never heard the expression "half-cocked," but that is exactly what this gun is, and I swear I'll use it.

You wouldn't shoot these, now would you?

Go on. You can touch 'em. I'll let you.

I'm not gonna tell you those aren't the breasts of the century, but I'm just not diggin' the owner.

So why don't you put those away? You're not my type.

So what is your type?

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Two, four, six, eight!

You can watch me masturbate!

Getting warmer? No?

Mmm, then how about something... like this?



Can I tell you something, Rafe? Yeah.

When you were looking at me before, Mm-hmm. I liked it.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I can be just like her if that's what you want.

I'd do anything for you, lover. Rafe? Hello?

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Katherine. Forget it, Rafe. I'm going to the cops.

How do I know it's a whorehouse?

I was there. How's that? Isn't that interesting.

As I recall, your private investigator's license was suspended almost a year ago.

Were you aware of that, ma'am?

No... I wasn't. Well, thank you.

And could you possibly get just a little of that fuckin' stew inside your head?

Huh? Could we shoot for that?

It's a license. It's paper. It doesn't matter. Come on.

And the check for your license renewal bounced.

For Christ's sake, man, there are people dying!

Isn't that more important than my secretarial skills?

I didn't even know her when I went there!

I was there as an everyday, horny citizen, all right?

Did you give this man money? You're fuckin' clueless.

Hmm. Well, seems to me... the only person I should be throwin' in jail is you.

Listen to me, shit-for-brains... Excuse me.

Deputy, I don't know what to believe at this point.

I know that you have a lot of cases ahead of mine, but Mr. Guttman did find this at the mortuary.

It's my brother's. Hmm.

Try not to eat it, Mongo.

I apologize for gettin' you out of bed at this hour. That's okay, officer.

What exactly was it the gentleman said happened here?

Don't give me that shit, Karloff.

What'd I tell you, kids?

Right there. A coffin. Uh-huh.

It's pretty suspicious for a mortuary.

Noonan, you don't wear irony very well.

Why don't you leave that to the big boys?

Now watch what happens when I pull this. Watch this.

You stupid son of a bitch! What the hell do you think you're doing?

What happens, Barney Fife, is the conveyor belt goes all the way through the fire, empties out into a room down in the basement.

My God, that coffin cost me more than a thousand dollars.

Look at little Olivier!

You are so utterly full of shit.

Uh-huh. Careful you don't burn yourself on it now.

I'm sorry to have bothered you. That's all right, officer.

Noonan, come on. This is the entrance to the whorehouse.

They knew I was comin' back so they changed it. They're gaslighting me.

Why the hell should I want you to come back?

We've already thrown you out of the parking lot tonight.

He was carrying on with some woman in his car.


The two of them stoned out of their minds. You're a goddamn liar.

Ow! Ow! Don't you dare take the Lord's name in vain!

You were with a woman tonight and have been drinking. We can all smell it.

Katherine... You know, you almost had me believing you.

It would have served me right for getting involved with a liar.

And a fornicator.

And an asshole.

But a charming asshole!

Hmm. Nice butt.

You want me to finish him? No, I don't think he'll bother us anymore.

Besides, you and me have to talk. About what?

Our future, without the reverend.

If I were in charge here, we'd have lots more fun.

You can't tell me you're having fun working for the rev.

Plus, we're making so much money selling the cars.

Seems a shame to give it to charity when we could... give it to someone more deserving.

I'll make it happen if you give me the key.

How are things? Good. Good.

The girls are killing sinners by the truckload.

The more...

The merrier.

J.C., I'd like to talk to you about what I'm getting from this bordello thing.

Brother Vincent, we're doing this for the Lord. That's what you're getting from it.

I know that, but I was thinking, if there was some way I could make a little extra money.

Maybe I could make...

Brother Vincent,

am I hearing you right?

Sorry, J.C.

Bad idea.

Didn't know what I was thinkin'.

Just forget the whole thing.

#You know my soul looked back # # Soul looked back #

This thing gonna work?

Absolutely. Go.

Stop, Satan! Stop right where you are!

I'm sending you back to the fiery depths where you belong!

I said...

I'm sending you back to the fiery depths...

Cut! What the hell...

Cut it! Just... God.

Look what he's done to my guitar.

What's he trying to do, kill me? We'll fix it, J.C.

Don't you worry. You can wait in your office while we reset everything.

Fine. That was scary.

I'll say. I don't know why they have that laserlight turned up so high.

It could have hurt someone. Good Lord!

All he has to do is reflect it onto the devil. Bunch of morons.

Whatever has happened to your brother, I'm sure Satan had a hand in it.

Was there something else you wanted to talk about?

I'd like to make a documentary. Really?

About? Lust.

I want to warn young people about all the things that inspire it.

You know, like strip joints and dirty magazines, pornography.

What else can I say, but... onward, Christian soldier.

Be careful.

"Flesh Eating Bacteria"?

The cat went from 280 pounds to 114 pounds in three days?

What's wrong with this picture?

Oh, Brother Vincent, I was just looking for you.

Where you going? I have a doctor's appointment.

You're so right, Vincent.

We should definitely expand into places like this.

I want that one for myself. Hi.

Vincent. J.C.

Relax, sugar. What the hell is goin' on?

Game's over, Rev. I'm drivin' now.

You vile, pernicious, disgusting little harlot.

You're not so bad yourself.

I did not bring you here for the purpose of feeding your evil desires!

We are doing the Lord's work.

Vincent... give me the key.

No, Vincent.


Give me the key! Hey, Rev, how'd you like to have a real religious experience?

- Hey! - Katherine Verdoux, Current World Ministries.

Jonas, follow me. Oh, my God!

Don't touch the camera. Excuse me, sir.

Can you please tell me why you come here?

This place is unbelievable. Hi, sweetie.

You really get around, don't you?

You're into prostitution and strip joints. Mm-hmm.

You're a total sex maniac. You need professional help. You want to play doctor?

Get your hands off of me! - Gimme the camera!

Oh, man.

Bingo. All right, boys, big smiles now.

Beautiful. Love it.

For God's sake, Vincent, you are flirting with eternal damnation!

Why don't you relax? I bet that stick up your ass hurts like hell.

I can't decide what to do with you.

Should I kill you or let you live and make you my dog?

Vincent. Vincent, give me the key.

Please. The key.

- For God's sake, hurry! You leave that thing right where it is.

- Give me the key! Vincent.

Give it to me, and I will send this demon slut back where she belongs!

Vincent, what are you doing?

What I should have done from the start.


Thanks, honey.

Do us both a favor. Kill him!

Fuck, no. I want to let him live.

I want this sanctimonious shit to watch what happens now that I'm free.

Katherine? How did you get in here?

Katherine, I have something I have to show you.

You don't give up, do you? It's like a sickness with you or something.

I went to the Mount Hope Cemetery last night.

The McCutcheon Mortuary held an internment there yesterday.

I took some photos. These photos are the contents of the coffin they interred.

I think you're gonna want to look at 'em. Just take a look.

That's very nice. You're worse than I thought. You are really sick.

There were two bodies in that coffin when I took the pictures.

Two bodies. Get your fuckin' hands off me. Sure.

At least come to the cemetery, for Christ's sake! Take a look!

Sorry, Jonas.

Excuse me, sir. Can you please tell me why you come here?

There was a woman at that table, wasn't there?

You're into prostitution... I wasn't talking to myself.

I know there was somebody at that table. Oh, my God.

Look, there's J.C. Where?

I don't see him. Right there!

Well, I'll be damned.

There he is with the demented Ewok, Professor Loveless.

You know, Katie Scarlett, never... trust any man of God with a boner.

I mean an erection. Sorry. No, boner's the right word.

Wow. What is he doing there?

It doesn't make any sense. Let's get our facts in order.

We have Reverend Current leaving a topless bar. That's an odd one.

And we have photos and videotape with people who didn't photograph or record.

Follow that thread of thinking.

Did not photograph. Did not record. I don't want you to flee.

I'm gonna advance a weird, Duchovnyan riff.

What if what we're dealing with here... is, in fact... vampires?

Are you crazy? Why is that crazy?

Because I advance the theory that the perpetrator of our crimes... is an eternal spirit who sustains itself solely... through the intake of human hemoglobin through a set of protracted fangs?

Shut up, Rafe.

Although... you have been right about a lot of other things.


Were you being nice to me there, Katherine?

No. I just said you have been right about a lot of other things. Okay.


Katherine, is that you? Caleb?

It's Caleb. I need your help.

I'm in trouble. Where are you?

I'm at the old power plant on the south side.

They're coming for me. You gotta help me. Please.

I'm in trouble. They're coming for me. Hurry. Hurry!

Katherine, I'm not complaining, but I wish your brother would have picked a less creepy place.

I feel like I'm in a bad Tales from the Crypt episode.

Sorry. I had Mexican for lunch.

Next time I'll ask him to be more considerate. Caleb!

Come on.

Caleb! Where are you? God.

I think it's really sweet you wanna find your brother, but we should split.

I'm getting some really bad juju off this place.

Katherine. Oh, my God.

Here, hold this. Is he dead? Is he breathing?

Hey, baby, don't touch me unless you love me!

Come on, dude, let's party.

- Rafe, no! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sorry, Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore.

Wrong! I'll always be your brother... sis.

Katherine, run from your brother.

Hurry! I am.

Hurry! I am!

Katherine, I'm coming for you.

I like this. See the ladder? Up.


- Katherine? Katherine? - Shit. We're screwed.

Let's go back. No, no, wait a minute. I see a way.

What do you mean? Jesus Christ, Katherine, what are you doing?

Come on! It's the fucking Grand Canyon!

Just shut up and follow me! What are you doing with that chain?

That is the craziest fuckin' thing I have ever...

Hi, dickhead.

That is the second craziest fuckin' thing...

This is a mistake!

Have a little chloroform, darling. Too bad.

It's about fuckin' time!

I've gone to hell, and it's worse than I imagined.

Noonan, where am I? Where's Katherine?

Now, don't you start with that bullshit.

She was at the factory. McCutcheon had her.

And that guy who worked for Current was there. And her brother.

What is this shit? Get me outta here.

Why don't you shut up?

Do you hear me, thumb dick? They've got Katherine!

Now get me outta here!

Nurse! Nurse!

Still causing trouble, is he? Officer, would you mind helping me?

Listen, if we don't stop these things, they're gonna destroy the city.

Listen, you fat fuck...


Remind me, Tammy. Why do vampires hate sunrise?

No. Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, no!

You want to keep it down? I'm trying to rest!

I knew I should have taken that private room.

Caleb, please let me go.

Sorry, no can do.

I gotta play by the rules here.

I know how you feel. I didn't want to be a vampire either.

At first.

But after you get used to it... it's pretty damn cool!

Besides, you know me. I've always been a night owl.

And getting to live forever doesn't hurt either, does it?

You got that right.

Before we get down to business, darling, I'm gonna take you for a test ride.

Oh, sis, can I watch?

Ah, first customer of the night.

What the hell do you want? I'm here to see Lilith.

I know I can't fight you all, so I've come to join you.

Is that right? I'll be sure to tell her. - No.

No, I want to tell her myself.

Come on, Jimmy, I know you a little better than that.

Into the parlor, Reverend, sir.

Get your filthy hands off of me! Feisty.

I like that.

I like that even better.


Don't touch me.

Very nice.

You're disgusting. Breasts are always nice.

But I prefer...

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.


I guess this is the end of a beautiful relationship.

Oh, shit.

What's happenin', Rev? Come on, man, talk to me! I'm jumpy! Friend or foe?

For God's sake, I am responsible for all this, but I've come to end it.

All right, all right. I'll give you this.

It's holy water, man.

This might work for the others, but it won't do a lick of good against Lilith.

No, to get her, we're gonna have to get in real close.

We're gonna have to put a stake in Lilith?

I'm telling you that to kill her, we're gonna have to cut her heart into four pieces.

Some chicks demand special attention. Let's do it.

Ready, padre?

Yep. Just like Hope and Crosby.

Last call, Miss Kitty.


All right, Rev!

You're a freak for it, Jimmy!

My God, what have we done?

Don't flake on me. They're vampires. Send them to hell.


Howdy, honey. You are outta here!

Oh, shit!

This sucks.


Help! Hurry! Before Lilith comes back!

Katherine, it's me. It's me, J.C.

Now, don't you worry. I'm gonna get you outta here.

Just give me a second while I undo these straps.

I'm sorry if I touch you somewhere I shouldn't. It's okay, J.C.

You can touch me. You can touch me anywhere you want.

Fuck you.

Katherine! Where's Katherine?

Katherine! Christ, you're so pale.

Are you okay? I'm fine. Hurry.

Wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing? Just checking for punctures.

Can't be too sure. Come on!

Oh, my God.

You gotta... You gotta hurry.

Go... Go back to the studio.


Tell the... world.

All you have to do is point the camera at me and keep it in focus.

Tell Jonas to start the uplink and go. Okay, you got it.

We'll have uplink in... 30 seconds.

We'll go in 30 seconds.


What the hell...


Jonas, what the hell are you doing?

I'm not doing anything, man. Katherine.

Rafe, tell Jonas to turn it off.

I don't think he can hear us. I heard her, I heard her!

- What now? - So long.

Jonas, can you hear me?

Jonas, are you there? Can you hear me? I'm coming up there.

Rafe! Hello? What's going on? Jonas!

Honey, Jonas doesn't work here anymore. I retired him.

Ooh! Pretty strong for a little guy.

So you wanna fuck?

Lilith, I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you. How's that?

Trying to impress your girlfriend? I'm gonna fix that now.

Shit. Katherine. Katherine!

Katherine, get out now! Katherine, she's coming! Oh, my God.

Katherine! I'm afraid God can't help you.

How am I doin', lover? You gettin' hot?

I thought we could work this thing out.

You could have his mind, and I could have his body.

I guess I was wrong.

Face it, the best you can hope for is a charity fuck!

You know, I've never killed a woman before, but I'm kind of looking forward to it.


No. No.

I guess Reverend Limpdick forgot to tell you.

Shit! You can tear my heart to pieces, but it won't do any good if it's still here.


- Come on, Lilith. You're holding in a lot of anger.

You gotta see a vampire shrink. Come on. Lilith.

Can't we talk about this? As far as I'm concerned, you and I are through.

Lilith. Lilith, baby.

I want you to know I'm not happy.

I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it about the bullet train.

Can't we talk about this?

Please? Sure. After.

Come on. Baby. Snookums.

I'm through talking now, baby.

First I'll rip your dick off, then I'm gonna grind your balls into guacamole.

Heartless bitch.

That should do the trick. When I consecrate a vampire, they stay consecrated.

Thank you, Rabbi. Does this go with my shirt? It's lovely.

Katherine, I don't want to beat a dead vampire here, but I really want to thank you for coming to my rescue back there.

That's okay, you can beat it some more if you want to.

What was that? A little comeback?

That's so sweet. Good for you.

Let's say I owe you one. No, you don't.

I had my own reasons for saving you.

And a come-on too. Am I hearing this?

Is this a whole new Katherine emerging? Maybe. I don't know.

You think you can learn to love me like this?

Well, I'm certainly willing to give it the old college try.

After you.

Oh, well, thank you. I'll put that in my satanic bric-a-brac collection.

I have a friend at NASA. We're gonna send that damn thing into space.

Well, we could do that...

I suppose.

You have a better idea?


What's that perfume you're wearing?

It's not perfume.

It's sun block.

Well, kiddies, I guess Katherine learned in the end... that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his rib cage.

Still, I think they make a fabulous couple.

They're a regular Romeo and Ghouliet.

And when they do have the occasional disagreement, at least now she'll know what's eating him.

She is!

Looks like I won.

What are you talking about, dear boy?

Come on. Let's play again.

Huh? Double or nothing.

Take my advice, pal.

Quit while you're "a head."