Boys on the Side (1995) Script

Thank you.

I'm Jane Deluca. This is Johnny Figgis and our band.

I gotta go take a leak, babe. Bye.

Did you see that bitch, man? Fuck her.

I'm going to fuck her. Wait. Jane. Jane.

Girl, that man is so fine. Yeah, actually, he is.

Is this your first date? Do you need to clear or something?

You can go ahead and take everything. Just leave us the glasses. Thanks.

No, no, I was the singer up there. You didn't see me?

I was, like, signaling and going like this to you.

What are you talking about? You don't know? Oh, baby.

You had the biggest, greenest thing hanging out of your nose.

I kept going like this. You could see it from up there?

Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan.

It was huge. Oh, my God. All right.

You blew my rep, man.

I invite this important A&R guy down, and you fucked me.

Know what? You're out of here. You're canceled. Forget it.

You can't-- Hey, wait. Wait for what? Till you learn to sing?

What's up with him? What did he want?

You wanna know what's up with him? That son of a bitch just fucked us.

You know, this town is dead for me anyway.

We've got that gig in L.A. We'll just leave early.

Maybe this is trying to tell us something.

It's telling us we're fired. That's what it's telling us.

Well, no, not just this.

Maybe L.A. is not the answer to our problems. Well, what does that mean?

Well, Tommy hooked me with some studio work in the city.

It's good money. It's in the city.

And I gotta think of Debbie here, you know?

Debbie? Isn't that the little girl in Queens who sets her hair every day?

This is suddenly a factor?

Get the fuck out of the way!

You get the fuck out of my way, you understand?

Go back to Pakistan.

Look, I gotta be realistic here, all right? I mean, I gotta look ahead.

How long you been doing this shit? Seventeen years?

Look. Look what? Look what?

I don't want that to happen to me. Okay? You should be so lucky.

Hey, I got priorities here, you know?

You know, she's holding you back, man.

I mean, everybody says it. She's like Yoko with bangs.

They don't say she's holding me back, okay?

Look, all I'm saying is, don't go to L.A., all right?

Even if you don't got shit going on here, you got voice-over--

Let me tell you something. You stay here.

You stay here and you play Daddy, okay? I'm gone.


So that was in '78, right?

I was supposed to be the new Aretha, but the old Aretha was the new Aretha...

...and I wasn't either one. I was something nobody'd seen.

Sure. So I'm getting the fuck out.

Can I get some French fries? Coming right up.

You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get that heat happening.

That's perfect, because I can drop you there and then head on to San Diego on my own.


You know, I used to sing too. Oh, really?

Nothing professional. Mostly amateur talent competitions.

- What, like Star Search? Sort of.

Only I never made it that far. I played the piano and sang.

What did you sing?

"Way Over Yonder," Carole King. "Close to You," Carpenters.

It was the '70s. "Close to You"?

Yeah, you know.

"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?"

No, no, I know. I know.

Why San Diego? Well, why not?

Here you go. I'm in real estate.

And right now the market is just unbelievably bad.

And I think sometimes you have to make a change.

You have to take control and say, "Things are gonna be different.

I can make them different if I believe it in my heart."

Hey, fuck Star Search. You should have been Miss America.

Okay, bring it on up. Bring it up.

More. Good.

I hope you don't mind my mentioning this. No smoking in the car.

What do you mean, no smoking?

No smoking in the car. Whatsoever?

I'm going uptown. Can I give you a lift?

Taxi! No, I have a car.

One in which I smoke-- What do you think? I think it could work.

I'll let you know in a couple of days.

Because I really need to leave as soon as possible.

And I just don't wanna do it alone. I don't think that'd be safe.

And you were the first person that answered the ad.

I think that's a sign of something. And I think you'd be fine.

I mean, I think our personalities would mesh.

Look, Robin, right? You're a nice lady...

...and I'm sure there's a lot of things about yourself you just can't help...

...and I understand that, but I don't fucking think we mesh at all.

I'm sure somebody out there wants to go cross-country...

...with the whitest woman on earth...

...singing Carpenter songs and reliving childhood memories.

But it ain't me. Hey, that's my car, man!

Hey, that's my--! Hey. That's my car.

That's gonna cost at least $200 to get your car back.

Okay, Jane, good luck in L.A., man. Earthquake. Fire. Riots.

They got some real crazy bastards out in California.

I don't know why you wanna go out there anyway.

Careful. Easy, easy with that piano.

Good morning.

Listen, I have a friend in Pittsburgh.

Do you mind if we stop and take her to lunch? Oh, absolutely, no problem. Deal.


My brother threw up right here, near Exit 7. I remember, we pulled over.

How come he's not making this trek with you down memory lane?

Or does he have a life?

He doesn't. As a matter of fact, he died of cancer when he was 6.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Would you mind if I used your headphones?

No, go ahead. Thank you.

Hi. You've reached Nick and Holly. Leave a message--

There's a sick lady in the bathroom.

Is she with somebody here? She's outside.

Is that your friend in the bathroom? Yeah.

Girl, you better get in there. She in there throwing up.


Are you all right?

That stupid woman. I told her I was fine.

You look like shit. Thank you.

Allergies. I have allergies.

They come and go. Sometimes I think it's all in my head.

Do you ever knock?

Not in a public toilet, no.

I'm really sorry.

It's probably because I brought your brother up.

Oh, no, no, it's not. I'm fine.

I'll be fine if we just keep moving. It's nothing.

You smell like an ashtray.

I'm gonna go down to L.A. and see what I can find.

We're gonna go past-- What?

Are you getting HBO?

We're supposed to get HBO, and it's not on mine.

I don't know. I'm on the phone here. I'm sorry.

No, come in and check.

Come in.

Yes, I'm on my way to L.A. You know, I thought I'd stop by and see you.

No, no, I said Tuesday or Wednesday. Are you okay?

No, it's just....

All right, no, I'll wait.

The Way We Were is on.

Robert Redford? Barbra Streisand? The Way We Were.

I don't get out much.

It was 20 years ago.

Oh, great, you got it.

Do you mind? No, please, please.

No, I'm here.

No, I figured we'd come by tomorrow around noon.

Are you okay? I mean, is it Nick?

No. Fine, fine. All right.

Yeah, no, I'll see you then. Goodbye.


Is that your friend in Pittsburgh? Yeah, if she is still my friend.

That's nice. I don't really have any girlfriends.

My mom always felt, you know, you can't trust women.

I don't know about that.

Oh, come on.

Men know all about PMS. Somebody talked.

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.

Why don't you bring her for a drink when you come?

I can't.

I know.

That-- That kills me.

The way she, like, brushes his hair off his forehead.

Really gets me.

So, well, which one of them were you?

The one who loved too much or the one who loved too little?


I'm the one who spent three years at happy hour...

...and never went home with anybody except the bartender.

Well, the bartender's somebody. Yeah.

He was somebody, all right.

I don't know.

I don't know about men.

I just don't get it.

Maybe you're not into them.

You mean...?

No. What do you mean, no?

I think I scare them away because I know what I want.

Oh, well, tell me, what do you want?

It's not very liberated, I know.

I want a husband with a decent job.

You know?

And I want two kids, a boy and a girl... that order...

...and a saltbox colonial with three bedrooms...

...a sun porch, a stairway with a white banister and a convertible den.

You could have been Donna Reed in another life.

Anyway, I didn't get it. It's all right. There's always time.


Is that why you left New York? Because that bartender did you wrong?

Something like that.

Eight o'clock tomorrow, okay? If you wanna get to Pittsburgh by 12.

Good night. Good night.

Thanks for the movie.

So I looked around, got into real estate.

That's where the performing really paid off.

Sizing up situations, handling people...

...getting what you want from them without them really knowing.

You know, control. Don't worry. You don't have to come in.

I hate this belt.

It's for your own protection. Yes, I know.

I'll wait here. Yeah.

Hey, Holly.


Hey, hey. Hey.

Jane. Hey.

Hi. Hi.

You look good.

Thanks. Thanks. You too.

What's the matter? Holly!

Look, something's come up. Nick's in a mood.

Can we do this another time?

We're on the road here. Fuck it. I'll handle it. I'll fix it.

Would you let me talk to him? Jane.

Jesus Christ. Holly!

He thinks he's lost something. I thought you said he was clean.

He is. He has nine months in NA. He's just dealing.

But then, you know, he has a drink and he gets confused.

Holly, if you cleaned this fucking place up, maybe I'd fucking be able to find my shit!

What the fuck are you doing here? Hello, Nick. I'm just passing through.

We'll catch you later. Come on.

You think you're going somewhere? Nick!

Nick, man, don't be a prick.

Stick to what you know, Jane.

That's something about you girls I can never figure out.

What is sex like without a dick? I don't know, man. You tell me.

Fuck you. You wish. Come on.

Ain't going nowhere.

Hey, man. Hey, man.

You dyke. Asshole.

Nick! Stop that! Nick, don't hurt her!

Fucking with me? Fucking bitch! Nick!

You fuck.


Are you all right?

Who the fuck are you? Hi. How are you?

Are we going? Yes.

Nobody's going anywhere until I get my coke.

This bitch, she stole it.

She ain't seeing daylight till she gives it up.

You don't remember shit when you're drinking, you asshole.

You sold it Tuesday night. Remember the last time I caught you lying?

Is that the way you want me to play this? Guys, guys, guys.

My hunch is our two positions might be a lot closer than we think.

Who do you believe he sold it to? Frank, this guy uptown. A friend.

Hey, Nick.

Jane, let me close this. Where's his number?

It's on the wall.

I'm Robin, by the way. You must be Holly.

Hi. It's really nice to meet you. You too.

I really like your hair.

Thanks. The humidity really messed with it.

You know how it is. I understand.

Is Frank there? Yeah.


You score an eighth off me Tuesday night? Yeah.

How much?

That's what I thought. Holly's saying you didn't.

All right. Later.

So I sold it to him.

Okay, fine, let's go. Where's the fucking money?

Oh, man. Give us a fucking break.

Where's the money? He hides it. He always does.

The same three or four places, and I'm not telling.

Tell me where.

I tell you to write it down, but you never do, so forget it.

You stole it.

See what I mean? Jane, you know her.

Do you believe this? She's a liar and a thief.

It's not her fault. It's her nature. Such an asshole.

Get the fuck away from me. Fuck you too, man.

No fucking trust here.

Get the fuck up. That's what fucking hurts.

Jesus fuck!

What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you crazy?

Did I hurt him? What do you mean?

You hit him with a bat. I'm gonna call the cops, okay?

Oh, fuck.

He's alive.

Give me the bat. Give it to me right now.

I'm gonna kill you, Holly. I'm gonna fucking....

No! Time-out.

Nobody move.

Jane, give me the bat, please.

Thank you.

Holly, don't tease him.

And, Nick, you've got some real likability issues.

Now, who has tape?

I do not feel good about this.

What would you like to do? Call the police? They'll arrest them.

There's drugs everywhere. What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

What are you doing? Just the cash. I'm clean.

No, we're not taking drug money on the road with us.

Put it back. Well, it's not like you can tell by looking at it.

Okay. You have a point. We'll just take half. All right?

And we're not taking drugs on the road with us either, so give them back.

Thank you. You're welcome.

We'll take the gag off when we leave. Then there'll be four hours of loud music...

...after which you can scream for help. Meanwhile, work on the tape.

Okay. Phone's in the kitchen. Water? Yeah.

Thanks, hon. Right here.

Everyone go potty. We don't wanna have to stop.

I went.

Look what she's doing.

Don't tease the animal. Go, go.

Let's go.

Let me go.

I'm gonna kill you, Holly! I'm gonna kill you. Holly!

Come on, let's go. Come on.

I feel really strongly about it.

All right, buckle up.

Will you close the door? Shit.

I am not going over a cliff for you two. So just forget it.


I've got some friends in Saint Louis. You remember Linda. I can stay with her.

So where are you guys going? Los Angeles, then San Diego.

Yeah, and you're not coming.


Listen, why did you stay with this guy so long?

A lot of that back there was drugs. You know, they really fuck him up.

But he's a really nice guy underneath?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

It's the sex. Come on. Let's be frank, okay? He was great in bed, am I right?


I don't know. I mean, I think that there's something beyond sex.

Yeah, me.

Well, I don't know, but I certainly didn't like his attitude...

...and I'm gonna think long and hard before I take him back.

You go, girl.

Hi. You've reached Nick and Holly.

Leave a message at the sound of the beep, and we'll get back to you.

- My fucking head. Jesus. Friday night, okay?

Thank you. Really? Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

Dance Fever was my favorite.

I thought Deney Terrio was, like, the coolest guy on the Earth.

Will you look at her? It's pathological, man.

She's young. I guess.

How you doing?

Me? I'm fine. A little tired.

Well, you were great back there. You must have sold a ton of condos.

It was kind of fun. Adrenaline.

Well, you were very frightening. I was very proud of you.

It was really nice meeting you.



Is Robin asleep already?

Yeah, you know, she gets tired real easy.

You know, she doesn't look so good.

She's got all those allergies, man. You know, they come and go.

Did you call Linda yet?

Yeah. I was thinking, though.

You guys can go ahead and leave tomorrow, and I'll just grab a bus.

Well, why? We're going right through Saint Louis.

I mean, it's no big....

You're going back, aren't you? Might as well.

What do you mean, might as well?

This is a guy who kicks your ass all the time. This is not love, honey.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Look, the man is gonna kill you.

We humiliated him. We tied him up. Come on.

I mean, I can't always do what you think I should do.

Like, we've been there, Jane. Fine.

I just don't understand why you keep setting yourself up to get hurt, that's all.

You should talk. What does that mean?

Look, you guys have been really great, and I really like Robin and....

I just hope that you know she's not gay. Well, so what?

So that's what I meant by saying you should talk.


Nick? Nicky?

Oh, shit.

Bus to Pittsburgh is now arriving.

Passengers with tickets, please go directly to the boarding area.

Those passengers still needing tickets...

...please purchase them at the ticket window.

Please take all luggage to the baggage-loading area.

Here we are.

Take care of yourself.

You too.

Get some sunshine, okay? Okay.

Promise? Okay. Yeah.

Take care of yourself. Okay.

Bye, Jane. Bye.

She'll get over it.

See you.

Thank you. It's her life, you know.

Yeah, but she gives us all a bad name with that "I'm addicted to a bad guy" stuff.

Good. Thank you. I hope everything was satisfactory.


The green on Number 8 is a little rough.

Oh, really? Well, we'll check it out as soon as we can.

Is there anything else?

Jane! What? What?

Why are you screaming like that? What?

Oh, shit.

Move closer. Just a little bit closer.

Okay, there she is. Okay. All right, there she is.

Holly! Holly!

Holly! Holly!

Holly! Holly! Holly! Hi.

Nick's dead.


Sounds like "head."

He's-- Oh, wait, I have an idea. What are you gonna do?


What are you writing?

She's not gonna know what you're-- It's French for "dead."

I can't write "dead" because....

Who's Morte?


- Dead! What?

Get off the bus!

I can't believe this. I mean, he was alive when we left.

I have a photo. Do you think it would help?

Poor Nick. He was such a nice guy, once in a while.

Stop with the "nice guy" stuff. They have to believe this was self-defense.

Who's "they"? What do you mean? The cops in Pittsburgh.

You want me to go back there?

Yeah. Now?

Yes. I couldn't.

Why not?

The memories. What fucking memories?

Why does she have to go back? Why don't we pretend we never saw it?

Please tell me you're kidding. No.

When we left, he was alive.

How do we know that what she did killed him?

Exactly. He could have tripped and hit his head on the bat.

It could happen. No.

You're going back. This is not a game.

I can't go to jail. Not with a baby.

What baby, honey?

I'm eight weeks pregnant.

What--? You were gonna bring a baby into that house?

Like, what were my options?

How about abortion? Couldn't do that.

I'd feel like a murderer. Honey, you are a murderer.

Oh, God.

To think it's possible I killed my baby's daddy.

To think it's possible?

You hit him in the head with a baseball bat. He's dead.

No, I mean, it's possible that Nick is the daddy.

We never saw the newspaper. She hit him in self-defense.

She split. She's never gonna see him again.

I'll call my lawyer in New York. He'll tell us what to do.

If we have to go back, we'll say we came as soon as we found out.

That's fine with me. I suggest we keep driving.

We sleep in shifts.

The farther away from that body I get, the happier I'll be.

She wrote "The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbator--"

Here, try this. It's really good.

--"In Celebration of my Uterus--"

Anne Sexton. Did you go to college?

I'm wet.

No, no. Hold it. Stop the car. Stop. Back up.

You're getting out and picking it up.

Fine. Honestly.

I'll go get it.

Keep your world clean. Don't go leaving messes everywhere.

All right. I don't know what you're bitching about.

It's all biodegradable. It's plastic. Now, don't you feel better?

Nick had this house with this drummer that Jane knew...

...and we'd all hang out together.

But then Nick pissed some people off, so we had to move to Pittsburgh.

Can I have a bite of that?

Yeah, well, it's been a long couple of days.

Yeah. Tell me about it. Jane's been so great to me.

I mean, at first I thought she just liked me because of the whole gay thing.

Jane's gay?

Like, hello? You didn't know?

I don't know. Just.... Don't look, don't look.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. It's okay.

Anyway, she just got dumped. So, you know, rebound time.

I know. Gross, but don't worry, she won't try anything...

...especially not after me.

I told her that it was a real self-hating thing to get crushes on straight girls.

But this person who dumped her, she was gay, right?

Yeah, but I mean, even with gay girls, there are no guarantees.

They're very emotional.

That's about all I know.

They love uniforms, and don't break their hearts.

Uniforms? Oh, yeah, all kinds. Especially UPS.

Will that be all?

Yeah. I'll get the check.

Thanks. Thank you.

Not that I'm an expert. I mean, she's the only one I've ever seen...

...except for the girls in the porno tapes Nick used to rent.

I'm sorry.

It's just, every time I think of his little ways....

Try to look a little more Western. That's good.

Take the picture. You sort of need to do something.

Here. That's cute.

Hey, hey, hey. Who you calling?

Who you calling? I was calling a friend.

No, you can't call that friend. He's dead.

And you're not supposed to know he's dead.

But I want my friend.

I want Nick.

Will you come talk to Holly, please? Don't come in.

What's the matter?

Miss Deluca? Yeah.

Susan Newbauer.

She asked me to talk to you. It's pneumonia.

We'll have to keep her for a couple days.

Can we see her? Tomorrow, after 11.

Just go on up to the eighth floor.

It's typical in this kind of AIDS-related pneumonia.


You're telling me she's got AIDS? Yes.

I'm sorry. I thought you knew.

No, I didn't.

She's okay. She'll be out in less than a week.

Get this filled right away, please. Thank you.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

I'm sorry.

For what? It's not like you knew this was gonna happen.


I thought if I could just go somewhere else...

...I could make it not happen.

I shouldn't have lied to you.

It wasn't a lie exactly. It was more like a sin of omission.

Can I sit down? Sure.

So I guess now we're even, huh?

How so?

Well, Holly told me you didn't know I was gay.

I don't want you to worry, because, you know, I'm not after you.

I'm not worried.


Luck of the draw, I guess.

No, I mean, why aren't you after me?

Because you're not my type.

Is this a black-white thing?


It's more like a blonds-Carpenter thing.

You're safe with me.

Is there somebody I should call or something? You know, like family?

My mother.

But we don't communicate much, not anymore.

What about you? You've gotta get to L.A.

Would you get me some ice?


What's the matter? What is it? What is it? Goddamn it. Damn it.

Wait, wait, wait.

What is it? Are you in pain?

What is it?

I don't know where to go.

I don't.... I don't have any place to go. I don't....

I don't know any place, Jane.

Okay, okay, okay.

Sometimes if you don't have any place to go...'s probably a good idea to stay where you are.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All right?

Yeah, you're okay.


All right. Here, put your arm up.

Oh, Jesus.

This may be the wrong time to bring this up...

...but where the fuck are we? I mean, really, where are we?


As in Arizona? Are you serious?

You know what this means?

I'm gonna have to go out and get some cowboy boots.

What about a horse?

Okay, good. No, I'm just gonna go straight from work.



Okay. I'm leaving now, Holly.

So if you're coming, get off the phone.

He's coming. Great.

Okay, I gotta go. Yeah. Okay, bye.

We still have to pick up the cake.

Do you think she's gonna be surprised? That's the idea. Hurry up.


I'll pick up the cake, because I have to drop by the hospital for a blood test.

Okay, and I told Abe to meet us there around....

What? Are you okay? Kicking all morning long.

I told him to meet us there around 10. I think that you're gonna like him.

Listen, I like any man who dates a pregnant woman.

I wonder about him, but I like him. Are you ready?

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, you're looking good tonight.

Two hands. In this bar, we wash the glasses with two hands.

That's the difference between clean and absolutely fucking disgusting.

Watch your language. Bambinos are coming.

Hi, Mom. Hey, Alex. What's up, Alex?

Come on. Get in the kitchen and stay there. She sees you two, the cat is out of the bag.

Give me a beer. No, there's no time.

Is there no mercy? I can't believe it. A body like that on a 12-year-old.

That's enough candles.

Come on. We all know she's not 12.

It's not polite. It'd hurt her feelings.

I thought I'd never get here. Am I late?

No, no, no. It's okay. Oh, great.

Hey, you ready?

All right.

Nice cake.

Blow out the candles.

Come on, girl. Move that cute little ass.

Can I have a light?

Give me that thing.

You're such a slut.

I don't know. It's like gay people are the only people getting laid anymore.

Maybe you ought to try it.

I like being straight.

You know, I think heterosexuality's gonna make a comeback.

Not if you have anything to do with it. Go dance.

Excuse me.

So, Robin, would you like to dance? Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. She did it.

He did it, he did it. I just love that stick.

My dream evening. Lesbians and cops. What's next, Republicans?

It's a cop. Cop.


It's a cop. Evening, ladies.


I'm looking for a Holly Pulchik.

Who? Holly Pulchik.

She's got blond hair, green eyes, about 5'4".

Gee.... Hey.

You made it. There she is.

I was afraid some crime would keep you away.

No, it couldn't.

It happens to be a slow night.

But Friday, Friday is the 1st.

When they get their checks, we have to be ready.

It's time to go. Good night, everyone. We're gonna clean up.

Excuse me. Nice to meet you, Officer Lincoln.

No, no, please. Call me Abe.


As in Abe Lincoln? What is this, a joke? No, it's his name.

Isn't that a coincidence? Just like the president.

I mean, I wonder why his parents thought Abraham and Lincoln sounded good together.

Now, let me guess. You must be Robin.

Nice to meet you, Robin.

And this is Jane. Hello.

Hi, Jane. Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you. Peppers.

Yes, they're from my garden. Isn't he sweet?

Hold on, babe.

You know that I'm still in uniform.

Isn't that cute? He takes it so serious.

Come on, honey. Let's go get a drink.

What will you have, babe?

Is it me, or is she working her way down some weird list of guys who call women "babe"?

I hope she keeps her mouth shut. Right.

Where are you and Anna going again?

She's taking me to see some type of psychic.

Here's your buddy.

Robin, do you need a ride home? Oh, I have a car.

Oh, no. Didn't I tell you?

Holly came up to me inside and said she needed the car.

It's right on my way. Yeah.

Thanks. Oh, could you take these for me? Thanks.

Good night. Thanks.


I don't wanna be late for this woman. She scares me.

Okay. Let's go.

She is really good. You have to be prepared when you get there.

Here we go.

There's a long trip here. Traveling.

This is nice. You're in love. This is very nice. Yes.



This is a friend. I feel....

This is not good at all.

There's a sickness here. There's a curse. Yes?

Yes. This is a curse. I can feel it.

Can you do anything to remove the curse? Anna.

No, she can do that. Last year-- Anna, sit down.

Let me talk to my guides.

You're gonna talk to these rocks?

You're talking to these and they're gonna say something to you?

Uncross your legs, dear.

You want some?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

How was the psychic? Don't ask.

How was Alex? He leave fingerprints all over you?

What is it with me and bartenders? I don't know.

He's coming with us Saturday night to the street fair.

Good, there's safety in numbers. Just don't let him get you by yourself.

I cannot believe it's a cop. He's cute, though, huh?

Yeah, for a cop.

He does have a nice heinie.


What, is he 2 years old? He has a nice heinie?

Don't laugh.

And don't think that I didn't see you checking out that man's basket.

What do you call it?

I don't call it anything.

I just wasn't brought up to talk about a person's anatomy.

That's because you don't have a word for it.

That's just ridiculous. I do too. It just doesn't often come up.

Okay. What is this? Below the belly button?

I'm not gonna say "pussy," if that's what you're after, okay?

I hate that. Okay.

So, what do you call it?

"Down there." Oh, come on. "Down there."

Well, "vagina" seems so formal. But you make it sound like a basement.

Okay. Honestly? Yeah.

Fine. "Hoo-hoo" or "cissy."

You're kidding, right? A hoo-hoo or a cissy? What is that?

That's what my mother called it.

I had a hoo-hoo or a cissy, and my brother had a noodle or a dingle.

And that's what you still call it, huh?

It's better than "pussy." Or "beaver." What's that about?

I never got that. Or worse.

Worse? Did you say, worse?

Now, what could be worse? I have to hear you say it.

You know. I'm not gonna say it. Oh, come on.

C-U-N-T. Come on. Please.

I don't think so. Please. It'll free you. Try it.

There's a policeman within the sound of my voice.

Give him a thrill. I don't think so.

I'm gonna wet you. No. You're such a baby.

Okay. Come on. All right.


What? I said it.

You breathed it. I wanna hear you say it.

All right. All right. All right. C-U-N-T. Cunt.

Cunt, cunt, cunt. Free. Free.


Cunt! Cunt.

Cunt, cunt, cunt.

Dirty mouth.

You're right. I feel...

...I don't know, different.

That's because you're free, Miss Scarlett. You're free.

Come on. Let's go get everybody and tell them.

Cunt, cunt, cunt. Cunt, cunt.

That can't be good for the baby.

Well, you know, they'll probably take a break in the delivery room.


Do you miss it?



Yeah, I do.

You know what's weird?

You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last time.

You're thinking:

"We've got problems. We've got work to do."

But you never think....

And then you break up, and a month later, you look back and you go:

"Oh, that was it."

That Tuesday or Friday or whatever.

And you wish you'd paid attention. Because it was the last time.

You know?

Oh, well.

Hey, listen, thanks for my birthday present.

A girl can never have too many ThighMasters.

I know. I'm sorry. No, no. I love it.

Happy birthday. Thank you.

Your mail's in the living room. Good night. I drank too much.

Good night.

So, what's the deal? Do you like her or what?

Yeah, I do.

And I've been trying, but you know, she's got that "back off" thing going on.

So I just assumed that she was one of the girls.

No, she's not that. She's definitely not one of the girls.

No kidding? No kidding.

She's shy, you know. Yeah. Yeah?

So I hear you're going with us Saturday? I am now.

We should have a little talk. Come on. I'll give you a beer.

Come on.

You ready? Give me a stick. Okay.

All right. One.



There you go. Hit it right there. Higher. Higher.


You want a drink?


You okay? Just tired.

She's having a good time.


That's good, no?

It's what you wanted.



Hey, babe.

Is something the matter? No.

Smells like marijuana out here.

Clove cigarettes.

You know that's not good for the baby.

Well, having him come out that tiny hole is not good for me either.

So we're even.

What is wrong?

I got things on my mind.

It's that guy, right?


Who told you about him?

Well, it had to be someone.

And besides, you keep calling out "Nick" in bed.

I do?

Well, maybe it's something that sounds like "Nick."

Does he know about the baby?

You know, I'm only here temporarily.

I might go back. I know that.

And I will not stand in your way.

But if he loves you so much...

...why doesn't he call?

Maybe he can't get to a phone.

Come on back to the party.

I wanna get one dance before we go.

All right.

No, stop.

Why? I don't know.

You don't like it? No, I do.

I do like it. Yeah. So do I.

Feel me too. Put your hands on me.

Feel me. It's been a long time.

Yeah. Me too.

Go slow. Slow.

Real slow.

Wait. What's the matter?

I'm a little drunk.

You are so beautiful.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are.

You are so fucking beautiful.

You taste so good.

Alex. Talk to me.

Tell me what you like. Listen....

I wanna make you come so hard. I gotta.... I have to tell you something.

Yeah, I know.

You need to know something.

It's okay. I know. I'm gonna use something.


I'm gonna use something. It's okay. We'll be safe. Don't worry about it.

About what?

Come on. It's okay.

No. No, you don't understand.


...positive. I tested positive.

I know. I just don't wanna talk about it. Because I already know.


What? What's the matter?

Who told you? Nobody told me. Come on.

Jesus. You knew. She told you.

Yeah, she told me.


It was no big deal.

She said you were shy and had a bad time with some guy, and I guessed...

...and she didn't deny it.

But it came out real casual, like it's just part of your history.

Like, "Hey, she's on the rebound. Be careful," you know.

Come on, it's just, like, a detail.

What does that make you?

Big hero, bringing sex to the unfuckable?

You must feel really good about yourself. Oh, God.

That's not it.

I just want things the way they used to be.

You know?

I wanna meet someone. Someone I like.

Get drunk, have a good time and fuck my brains out.

Why can't we do that anymore?

Because you can't.

That's all. You just can't.

I think you should go home.

No.... No, please don't make me beg. Just go.

Hey. Good morning.

How's it going? Great.

How was last night?

It was good.


Is Alex still here? No, he's gone.

So you had a good time?

Real good till I found out you told him I've got HIV.

Well, I didn't exactly tell him, you know. No, I know. He guessed.

"She looks like the kind of girl that tested positive for the AIDS virus.

I don't know, she's got that kind of glow."

It slipped out. What were you doing, setting me up like that?

I thought it was a good thing. You like him.

He likes you. Yeah, great.

Maybe he'll ask me to go steady. Maybe he'll take me to the prom.

Come on. What do you think I am, stupid?

No. I don't think that at all.

You think you can just put a man in my bed and I'll forget?

All it does-- If you wanna know, all it does is remind me.

Alex and you and Holly and her baby. Every living thing I see reminds me.

So, what are you gonna do?

You gonna hide out in the house? You gonna lock yourself away? Come on.

You don't know anything about it. It's none of your business.

You're the one that's in love with somebody you can never have.

Do me a favor. I'll stay out of your love life, and you stay out of mine.

Not just my love life.

My life. Stay out of my life. Meaning what?

That means maybe this isn't working. Maybe you should move.


Take the fucking piano. If you don't, I'll leave it out in the rain.

I swear to God I will. All right.

All the way back across the room. Against that wall.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Gonna teach me to play piano?

Is this gonna be good? That's fine. Don't scratch that, please.

Hey, babe?


Marry me.

Get serious. I am serious.

Get out of town.


Freeze, sucker. I got you.

I'll get you.

Stop, stop. Marry me.

Marry me tomorrow.

I can't marry you, Abe.

You're not over him yet, are you?

Well, we're all over him.

Like, six feet over him.


It was an accident. Or self-defense.

I mean, I would never kill anybody on purpose, or, like, in cold blood.

Hey, did you ever see that movie?

Let's get some rest, okay?

You don't wanna marry me now, do you?

We're together now. We're together.

And that's not changing.

She looks so thin.

Look at you, honey.

They gave us a terrible map at Hertz.

I have been driving around for an hour and a half.

Is this your house?

Isn't it quaint? I need to use the little girls' room, darling.

Oh, sure, Mom. This heat.

And the a.c. is NG, right, Jer?

You know me. I like it so you need a sweater.

It's two days. It'll be fine.

Hi, I'm Jerry. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry. Robin.

My daughter, Robin. Pleased to meet you.

I could've picked you up. You didn't need a car.

Well, you know me. I'm so damned independent.

Riding in other people's cars? Forget it.

Well, isn't this nice?

Oh, look, Jer, a cactus flower.

They bloom once every hundred years.

Quick, show me the potty, darling. I'm about to burst.

Anyway, Jane called me at work. Wants to know how you are.

I'm fine. Who's Jane?

Jane used to live here up until a few days ago.

Stay out of this. It's between me and Jane.

Well, she asked for my advice, so I told her she's antilesbian.

Am not. Who's a lesbian?

Jane is.

And she was living here? Yes, ma'am.

I'm not antilesbian. Not you. Her.

Who? Jane.

This is her old problem. She creates this situation...

...where she gets this rejection that everyone sees coming.

She just wasn't being honest. It's a black thing too.

Jane is black? Yes, ma'am. She sure is.

You can't live a lie. You just can't.

Well, there's lying and then there's just not telling.

Big diff. She's a black lesbian?

Yes, ma'am, that is right. And she was living here?

With you? No, no, no, she was just living here.

They weren't, like, fucking or anything.

Were you? Were you?

Were you?

I'll get the coffee.

I have to get going, babe.

Why? Your shift doesn't start till 10:30.

Don't you wanna go upstairs for a while?

No, not tonight.

It was nice meeting you, ma'am. You going already?

We have dessert. Yes. Maybe next time. Thank you.

Well, good night. Good night.

Maybe I'm just too fat now.

Don't worry, dear. It's a natural thing.

Will they live here after they get married?


Holly and, oh, that nice young man. What is his name?

Oh, Abe.

Well, I'm not sure she wants to marry him.

A pregnant girl?

Is she crazy? She should grab him.

Well, it's not really his baby.

So what?

She still should grab him.

Believe me, I know what she's gonna have to go through.

You know, I'm a feminist too.

I was a single mother after your father left.

You think that was easy?

I even voted for Carter twice.

But you can't fight nature. God knows you girls keep trying.

Treating your men like side dishes... stick a fork in when needed, just like men used to treat us.

Mother, who am I treating? Do you see a man here anywhere?

No, I don't.

And I think it's a problem.

I don't understand why you don't come home.

I like it here, Mom.

It's so strange.

You're not exactly bubbling over with happiness.

It's a life, Mom, not a hayride.

Honey, what is this?

Oh, my gosh. The police are here. Yes, I see the police, Mother.

What the fuck is going on? What the hell is going on?

Okay. Jane, what are you doing here?

I called her.

I thought that she should know. Know what?

He's arresting me. What for?

You know what for, Robin. Pittsburgh.

You told him? Yes, she told me.

I take this name seriously.

I cannot tell a lie.

That was Washington, schmuck.


Anyway, I'm going to stand by Holly 100 percent.

But I am sworn to uphold the law.

And I don't believe I would be any use to her if I broke my oath.

Now, would I?

He really loves me.

Oh, yeah, I can tell by the manacles on your wrists.

Right this way, miss.

Don't say a word, not to him, not to anybody. We'll get you a lawyer.

I'll miss you guys.

Now, I promise you that they are going to treat her right.

They know that she is going to be my future wife.

Son of a bitch.

Honey, what in the world is going on?

I feel like I've just seen America's Most Wanted in person.

This has got to be the mother. Jane, please.

Yes, I am. And who are you? I'm the lesbo.

I used to live here till your daughter threw me out.

Well, I'm sorry. Mother.

Yeah, me too. But I think this makes her real happy...

...because now she's got the house all to herself.

Cut it out. You're just being mean.

Jane. Stop.

You know, she's gonna need our help. No, not our help.

I'll take care of this myself.

Okay. Okay.

Fine, fine, fine.

They do that now, don't they? What?

Call themselves lesbos. Oh, Mom.

And she makes it sound like a compliment.

She wants to confess.

She says she doesn't wanna bring her child into a world of lies.

You have nothing to worry about, Henry.

Holly promised me she is going to keep her mouth shut... long as she does not have to lie out loud.

We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, you brownnosing putz.

I took an oath, Jane. Yeah, you took a fucking oath.

Now we're stuck in Pittsburgh, Holly's on trial because of your oath.

So, what exactly do they have? Nothing.

Except for Abe's testimony, and that's just hearsay.

That is the truth.

Oh, shut up. Nobody wants to hear the truth. But aside from that, what do they have?

They have the Polaroid.

The Polaroid? Yes.

I mentioned that I had seen a snapshot.

It's on the list of exhibits. But come on. What the hell can they do with that?




What words would you use to describe the woman who posed...

...and took this photograph?

This is a photograph...

...of a man who in a few short hours will be dead...

...from wounds inflicted by this woman that you see before you.

And not surprisingly, everything that you say tends to exonerate your friend.

Sorry. It's the truth. Not coincidentally, it tends to exonerate you.

There are no charges against me. Yet.

Oh, come on. Your Honor.

Is he allowed to just intimidate me like this?

Mr. Massarelli, please.

I apologize, Your Honor. It was unintentional.

What is the nature of your friendship with Holly Pulchik?

Excuse me? I'm sorry. Let me rephrase the question.

How would you characterize your friendship? I would call her my friend.

Come on. What is this "friendship" stuff? That's what I'm trying to find out.

Let me put this delicately to avoid offending the court.

Is there a romantic character to your friendship?

Objection. Overruled.

You may proceed, Mr. Massarelli. Thank you.

To repeat, Ms. Deluca... there a romantic character to your friendship with the defendant?

No, Mr. Maserati, there is not. Massarelli.

Oh, sorry. Unintentional.

You are one of these gay women we read about. Or do you prefer "lesbians"?

Do I prefer them to you? Are you gay?

Do I look gay? Your Honor.

Please answer the question. Are you gay?

Yes, I am.

And I'm sure you hear that from women all the time.

But in my case, it happens to be true.

She's scared shitless, just like I would be after today.

No, I don't want you to do that, Anna.

Okay? I don't want you to do that. I'll call you tonight. All right? Bye.


You did your best.

Yeah, I did. Which is more than I can say for you.

Justice is hard.


You call this justice?

This girl protects herself against some marauding asshole...

...who uses her as a punching bag, and she's going to jail.

You call that justice? Is that what you want?

I want Holly to be my wife.

I want us to be a family. Where? In the joint?

I don't know that.

But I do know that there's no kind of family without the law.

None whatsoever.

Because the law that governs the society is the same law that holds the family together.

Where'd you read that? On the side of a Cheerios box?

You think I love her less now.

But I don't.

I love her more.

That is why I had to do this.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

And they lived happily ever after. Did I wake you?

No. I was just looking for a drink.

There's beer. No.

I had some bourbon from the plane, but I seem to have finished it.

What are you doing?

I thought somehow if I made this trip again, we'd all be here at the end like this.

Oh, honey. Nobody was happy in these pictures.

Except maybe you.

Tommy was already so frail.

And your father....

Well, you loved him, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

With all my heart.

But I lost him.

And Tommy too. And that's that.

You just have to let it go, Robin. Just let it go.

I can't. You have to, darling.

Because it's never gonna come out any differently.

No matter how many times you make this trip.

I know that.

When we lost Tommy...

...well, your father just couldn't live with that.

I don't blame him.

It's not right, losing your children.

Children are supposed to live after you.

Oh, honey.

Are you crying? Oh, my gosh.

Do you know I don't ever remember you crying?

Even when you were a baby.

Isn't that funny?

I'm sorry.

I know you're not well, darling.

I don't know what it is, and I don't wanna know.

But I know you'll get better.

You were always the strong one.

I can't lose you.

I can't just lose everybody.

I do the best I can.

I know it's not enough.

And I'm sorry.

But that's what you get in life, you know?

You get whoever you end up with.

Whoever is willing to stick by you and fight for you...

...when everyone else is gone.

And it ain't always who you expect, but you just have to make do.

I'm not complaining, Mom.

"Never complain. Never explain."

Katharine Hepburn.

She said that in Redbook last month.

It's a good motto, isn't it?

Best I can do is pretend like you never testified.

Just go on like it never happened. Go on to what?

Honestly, I don't know.

All right, this is the situation.

I am still angry, I do not forgive you for anything...

...and I don't wanna talk about it.

Anna filled me in.

She told me everything I needed to know about the trial so far.

And I know I can help.

Because even if I can't, I couldn't make it any worse.

And Holly is as much my responsibility as anyone else's...

...and so are you, because you are my family and I love you.

Now, I feel fine.

My T cells are over a hundred, and I'm raring to go.

So unless you wanna waste time being stubborn...

...I suggest we get me on the stand as soon as possible.

You expect us to believe that the defendant...

...pregnant with this man's child, would leave him and never look back?

It was over. He beat her and abused her. I saw. I saw how he treated her.

But not to call. Not to leave an address so he could forward her mail.

And practical reasons aside...

...let's say she did strike a blow for self-defense. Let's just assume.

And she decides to let him stew in his own juices for a while.

But a couple of hours, a few days later, she realizes:

"He's my little baby's daddy. And you know what? He's not so bad.

Maybe he's got a temper." But all she knows is she needs him.

She needs to call him. But it was over between them.

I know you think a girl like her, the most important thing in her life is a man.

But she didn't need him. She had us.

I hardly think that you're a replacement for a father.

I don't know what it is...

...but there's something that goes on between women.

You men know that because it's the same for you.

I'm not saying one sex is better than the other.

I'm just saying... speaks to like.

Love or whatever doesn't always keep... you find out what does, if you're lucky.

Well, thank you for that illuminating view of the war between the sexes.

Are you a lesbian too, Ms. Nickerson? No, sir.

But at times I understand the inclination.

Suppose there is this bond between women.

Suppose men are disposable. I didn't say that.

If that's the case, why should we believe you?

Wouldn't you say anything, wouldn't you do anything, to keep your sister...

...keep your bosom buddy, so to speak, out of jail?

I'm under oath. I wouldn't perjure myself. I'm glad I don't have to remind you.

And just for the record... didn't know until the police told you...

...that this man was dead of his wounds?

If I'm lying, may I be struck down with some terrible disease.

Okay. All right, good news.

Got an offer.

Involuntary manslaughter, extenuating circumstances.

One to two years. Parole after six months.

I got you minimum security in Arizona, two hours from home and good medical care.

I'd hate to have my baby in jail.

What are the chances for an acquittal?

He's dead as a result of her actions. And juries wanna make someone pay for that.

She didn't testify in her own defense, and I don't know how much good you did her.

I mean, my baby will have a mother who's a convicted felon.

I don't know. What do you think?

Under the circumstances.... I'd have her....

I mean Abe. What do you think about that, babe?

I think that you should take it.

And I will keep the baby until you get out.

Yeah, but-- That's what I'll do, then.

Fine. I'll tell them we'll take it.

I love you.

I gotta get in there with you. Do you?

I want you so much, babe.

Could we have a minute?

Yes. Yeah. We'll see you later.

Get in here.

Babe, I missed you so much.

Well, so much for the bonds between women.

I love you. You can't fight that.

I love you so much.

Your baby's gonna be fine. You were pretty good in there.

Whatever happened to "Honesty's the best policy"?

You don't wanna go overboard.

You know, I been thinking and thinking about this... I wanna say it.

I am really, really sorry. I truly am.

Yeah, me too. I get so angry so fast.

It's just....

It's lonely.

Between me and everybody else, there's all this space all the time.

And it gets bigger and bigger...

...and I'm on one side...

...and I'm screaming, and they're waving.

And the one person I think I'm holding is waving too.

I'm holding you.

There won't be any more lies between us.

Not even for my own good.

No, ma'am. Good.

I'm gonna go call Anna. She's-- Jane.

Yeah? Yeah? What's the matter?

What's the matter? Hey. Hey.

Abe. Abe!

Elaine. Jane.

Listen, I'm sorry to wake you, but we're back in Tucson...

...and she's in the hospital.

What curse, honey? Who?

The one on my friend.

Remember when I came to see you, you said there was a curse on a friend of mine?

It's my friend Robin. She's....

Look, you know, I don't believe in this stuff. You know that.

I thought it couldn't hurt to come see you.

Oh, Robin. That's the girl with AIDS.

Anna's friend. She's my friend.

I see.

So can you do it? Do what?

Take the curse off of her. You said you could.

It's AIDS, honey.

I know that, but right now it's just a lung infection, see?

I don't want a miracle.

I just wanna give her a 51-49 shot.

I mean, look, I brought money. I could pay you right now.

Pay when it works.

I can't promise anything.

Don't wake her up.

Just doing my job.

Is that a cold?

Because she can't afford an infection. I'll have to mask you.

Are you blind?

Can't you see she's been crying? It's her mother.

People think they're being nice, but they come in with colds, and it's not--

It's not a goddamn cold.

Don't be such a hoo-hoo. And what's a hoo-hoo?

It's a cunt, dear.

Now, why don't you leave us alone?



It's just me.

I know. Okay.

Where's Mom?

She had to go back to the house.

Will you call her?


Yeah, hi. She's asking for you.


Do you want me to get a doctor?


I had a crush on a woman once.

I was 10.

That's when I had crushes on boys.

She was a strawberry blond.

That's what my mom called her.

She was the babysitter at a hotel we stayed at...

...right before my dad went to Vietnam.

She was beautiful.

Strawberry blond.

I used to be a strawberry blond too.

It was me you loved, wasn't it?



Well, I loved you too.

I don't want a funeral, but Mom will.

But it's gotta be here.

Don't let her take me back to San Diego.

And afterwards you could have a big party at the house, okay?

Big party.

Big party.

Push, Holly. You can do it. Push right into it.

Come on, push, Holly. You can do it.

Nice deep breath and push. Pulling it down.

Perfect, perfect. Come on. You can do it. Give us a real good push now.

You're almost done. The baby's coming.

I wanted to be here for her, you know, to help her with the breathing.

Next time. You ever seen one of these things?

They're really ugly.

Where are they? Let's go.

Wait. Whoa, wait a minute. Come on, man.




Don't look at me.

I can't wait to see the baby. All right!

Welcome back. We made it. We're back home.

Hi. Coming through.

You look beautiful. My baby's baby.

You look great. Thank you.

Isn't she beautiful?

Hi, little one. Come here.


Welcome, Mary Todd.

Push it right out of there. Push it out.

It was rough going there. But she managed to pull herself through.

And the next day the pentamidine kicked in, so....

What are her T cells now?

They're about 35. They were under 20 before.

She doesn't look good.

She looks great, okay?

We wanna welcome Holly home with her new baby and her new husband, Abe.

Great to have you back.

We're all glad to be here with our friends.

And I want you right now, ladies and gentlemen... put your hands together and give a round of warm applause... 1983's fourth runner-up in the Star Search Talent Competition.

No, no, no, Jane. It was third runner-up, not fourth.

I told her.

Fourth was this terrible little boy tap dancer with pimples.

He only got that far because he cheated. That is the only reason--



Shut up. Jerry.

Ready to go? Yeah.

Now, you better be back for Christmas. Mary Todd's expecting you.

Yeah, I will.

Call me as soon as you get to L.A. I wanna know how the audition went.

Okay, Mom.