Breakin' All the Rules (2004) Script

Yeah, yeah, yeah Come on Figure out what to do Yeah Get caught up in the game Come on Figure out what to do Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

[DOG WHINING]

[DOG BARKING]

Why can't he use the doggie door?

He doesn't understand.

It's too new.

Your dog?

Your house.

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

[DOG BARKING]

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Get caught up in the game Caught up in the game

[DOG WHINING]

[DOG URINATING]

Ooh Kinda fast, yeah Come on, come on Come on, give it to me now I want to start shaking I want your hips stickin'

I want your ass bumpin' Come on I want your head movin'

I want Your shoulders bouncin'

I want your ass bumpin' Come on I want your rump shakin'

I want your hips stickin'

Whoa, whoa Ah, ah, ah, ah, woo Told you all I was coming back And I did

[RAPPING INDISTINCTLY]

Can you hear me now? Good

[RAPPING CONTINUES]

I want your head bobbin'

I want Your shoulders bouncing I want your ass bumpin' Come on I want your rump shakin'

I want your hips stickin'

I want your ass bumpin' Come on I want your head bobbin'

I want Your shoulders bouncin'

I want your ass bumpin' Come on I want your body shakin'

I want your hips stickin'

Whoa, whoa Ah, ah, ah, woo

Did you see the paper? No.

Yeah, the old man is stepping down.

Can you believe that? What?

Junior's taking over. The king is dead.

Damn. What a way to let us know.

Yeah, tell me about it.

New York is putting him in charge of both magazines.

Consolidation. I tell you...

Sales is tight, but there could be some layoffs in editorial.

So you'd better watch your ass. Huh?

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Hi.

Mr. Gascon would like to see you.

Mr. Gascon, Jr., that is.

Hmm.

Psst... hey.

Hmm?

We're getting fired, aren't we?

I don't know.

Oh, man. I just broke up with my girl last Thursday.

That was stupid.

Now I'm going to have no job and no girl.

I'm going to end up pushing mochas at Starbucks.

What about you, Quincy?

You still going with that model?

Oh, Helen.

Don't break up.

No stress.

Tonight, we're announcing our engagement at the Zig Zag Club.

You need to be up in there.

After work? Yeah.

After work could be in the next 10 minutes.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Brown?

Mr. Gascon won't need to see you. Thanks.

See?

Really? So I can go?

You can go. I'm sorry.

Mr. Watson, he's ready for you.

Just me?

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Excuse me. No, excuse me.

Caught up in the game Caught up in the game

As you've probably heard, Quincy, the company is going through a downsizing.

Yeah, I heard that.

I have a problem, Quincy.

I've got to let go of 15% of my staff, and it's unfortunate and it's necessary.

Yeah.

Now, I see in your resume you went to graduate school in psychology for a year.

Berkeley.

You're familiar with crazy people.

Mostly from living in L.A.

Okay.

What do you know about firing people?

How's that?

I don't know. Firing.

Just laying off in general.

Uh, employee termination.

Yeah, there are several studies out there, but I haven't studied it myself. Why?

Do you know the name Jeffrey Jasper?

Yeah. The guy from New Jersey. That's it.

Got fired.

Got a gun.

Got drunk.

Shot 10 executives in the stomach.

Mm.

Well, personally, I don't want to be Jaspered.

I'd like you to put together, I don't know, a guideline or a set of procedural outlines.

Wouldn't Mr. Peters from Human Resources be more qualified for this?

Probably. Unfortunately, I fired him this morning.

He did not take it well.

He threatened to kill me with a golf club.

What? Mr. Peters? Yeah.

A MacGregor three-iron.

Very specific.

I would like those guidelines on my desk by Friday afternoon.

Is that going to be a problem?

No, sir.

Helen.

Helen!

Careful.

Watch out.

[DOG SQUEALING]

Oh, my bad!

You all right?

"See you tonight, love."

Love you too.

Termination Of Employees:

Psychological Strategies For Employers.

"There somebody you want to fire?"

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

Turn your girl around Show me how you're flipping On the cold side Q, Relax. She's going to be here.

All right, hey, let me get the toast.

To my cousin, Q.

To having sex with the same woman for the rest of your life, over and over and over again.

In so many different positions, brother.

Don't you-- Sleep on it.

That's what you probably need to do too.

Man. Man, just relax.

She's going to be here, Q.

There she is right there.

There he goes, there he goes.

Where have you been, huh?

Everybody is waiting on you.

We've got Evan, Craig, Lamont, Trey. Everybody's here.

Where are your girls?

They're not coming.

They're not coming? Okay. Cool. Why not?

I didn't invite them.

You want to keep it quaint and break it to them later, right?

What, you want to go and get a little kissy or something back here in the back?

I'm getting a bad feeling about all this.

You don't want to get engaged right now?

Please, don't be mad, but I think we should take some time off away from each other, think things through.

For what?

Everything between us is too right, too easy, never dramatic.

What are you talking about? I'm 25 years old and still waiting for that, you know, grand passion.

I mean, it's not your fault.

You just don't do grand.

You don't do sweeping, romantic gestures.

Look, I want to marry you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Ain't that grand and sweeping?

[SIGHS]

At least sweeping?

See? You just don't get it.

I need to be away from you for a while.

What'd I do to you?

I am so sorry.

Girl, you're going to make these people think I hit you.

Where do you think you're going?

It's not important.

It is-- It's important to me.

You don't want to know.

Girl, I want to know.

No, you don't.

Yes-- Tell me where you're going.

You crying?

I'm going to Paris.

Huh?

With Tony.

You're going to Paris with who?

Tomorrow.

But--

You're going to Paris with Tony, my best man?

And I done gathered all these people together to announce my engagement.

What's wrong with you?

I was gonna send you a letter, but it didn't seem fair.

Are you high? Are you smoking?

What do you mean, write me a letter?

Write me a postcard from Paris?

No. It wouldn't have been a postcard.

You know that I love you.

Girl, I don't even know who you are.

You're somebody else right now.

You're an alien right now.

Helen. Hel--

Girl--

I think she kicked him to the curb.

Lord, have mercy.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Quincy.

Quincy, what are you doing?

Mr. Gascon, hey.

You got a handle on it? A handle on what?

On the firing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been doing the research.

I've got everything together.

Okay.

All right, excellent. All right, here you go.

Okay, all right. I see names.

What is this?

Yeah. Well, it's just a little practical, hands-on experience.

Right, right, right.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

Come on. What?

Don't go daft on me here.

It's a list of the people who need to be... fired.

You want me to do it?

Well, yes, of course. You're the expert.

No, wait. I was just doing the research and everything.

I didn't know I'd have to start busting on people, firing them.

Oh, yeah. No, no. Well, see, I thought I was clear.

No. Then that's my error.

I thought I-- All right, sorry.

Okay. Sorry.

All right, well, let me know how it goes.

Mr. Gascon, listen, listen.

I am not comfortable with this.

Well, of course not.

I mean, to feel comfortable, you'd have to be a monster.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you're no monster.

For that matter, neither am I.

Right, right. Now, fortunately, I just happen to be in the position to delegate, and you are not.

Hey...

Good luck.

Quincy!

What's happening, man?

Hey. Nothing. Look at you. You look awful.

Looks like it was quite the blowout, though, huh?

Yeah, it was blown out.

All right, so what's up? This and that.

This and that? Yeah.

Sandra said you wanted to see me.

Yeah.

So it's like that, huh?

Look--

That's cool.

Shit!

Make sure Mr. Gascon gets that.

Sure.


[KNOCKING]

Yo!

[DOG GROANING]

[DOG BARKING]

Yo.

Come on, open up the door, man.

Oh, Q.

Man, what are you wearing, Q?

It feels good on my skin.

Are you going to let me in?

What do you want? That's for what.

Your mother, my auntie, has been worried about you.

She's been calling me every day for a week.

She's worried about you, man.

How come you can't call her back?

I've been busy lately.

You been busy? I been busy. Yeah.

Move out of my way. Watch the piss.

You're so in a hurry, you ain't even looking down.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

See, this is disturbing, Q.

Kind of a mess, huh?

This is like an outer extension of disease, bro.

What happened to all your stuff?

Oh, Helen, she took some stuff, you know, took the TV, left me with the dog and a half-naked picture of herself.

Just evil.

I gave that woman everything but my soul.

And I bet they want that too.

Just greedy.

But you don't have to give it to them.

Pretend to give it to them.

Why do I have to pretend?

Why can't I just be me?

Nobody finds pathetic charming.

Whoo!

Was that cheese?

Okay, look, I'm sorry about Helen, okay, but you're going to have to pull yourself together, bro.

I've been writing.

You've been writing?

Letters to Helen. A few letters.

How many letters, Q?

I could not get the right tone.

Q, how many letters?

I just kept obsessing over the way she left me and what she told me, then it came to me, surrounded by all this termination of employee research, that if Helen was my boss and I was her employee, then the way she fired me was bad, bad in every possible way: public humiliation, conflicting emotional messages, horrific timing.

Oh, yeah, I wrote a letter.

I wrote a letter detailing the disgust I have at her method and her technique.

Her method and her technique for dumping you?

Exactly.

Okay, man, where is this letter?

Oh, hell, no. I'm calling your mom. Wait.

No, Q, that is a scream for help.

I'm calling your mother.

It started out as a letter, then it-- it evolved into a manual.

That's a manual? It's a manual on how to break up with your lover, based on the latest psychological and employee termination research.

You trying to tell me you don't find this stuff strange?

What's strange?

Yo--

Huh? What's strange about it?

I mean, when you break up with somebody-- and firing somebody's basically the same thing-- because you want to do it the easiest way, the simplest way, without producing a stalker.

I call it "The Plan."

"The Plan"? Mm-hmm.

"The Plan." It is brilliant.

You got a table of contents, man?

I don't believe him.

"Committed or Committable?

"Time to kill.

Location, location, location."

Why break up at her place?

Because you control the direction of the breakup.

You can leave when you wanna leave.

Like, a person can follow you if you're at a bar, or a restaurant, or a hotel, but ain't nobody leaving their own apartment.

Okay, what's up with the answering machine?

Change the outgoing message to the mechanical one that they supply for you, because a "breakup-ee" will keep calling the "breakup-er," just to hear their voice, and then hang up, and what that does, it creates a cycle of emotional desperation, especially if the message says, "I'm not here. I'm in Paris."

Ooh la la.

You see, to me, falling in love is blissful insanity, but breaking up with somebody, that's a rational act.

Now, how do we improve upon that rational act?

We do it through science.

What were you planning on doing with this?

I, um, I've-- I'm fittin' a--

You know, see, I gots this betty I've been seeing for three months now.

Chapter six.

Yeah, wh--?

Capricorn? Uh, Aries.

Oh, man.

We're gonna take this on a field test.


Quincy? We gonna be rich, brother.

We gonna be so incredibly rich.

Time to put your body In the mood for movement Huge intentions Is sure to prove this Pro- this And -fessional that

[RAPPING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[CHEERING]

QUINCY: How to dress. How to act.

What to wear. What not to wear.

All I've done is just read, and the research... and realized that you can break up with somebody, but improve on it by the science.

That's my boyfriend's cousin right there.

Discovered him. WOMAN: Who's that, honey?

Guy on TV, talking about that book he wrote on how to break up with people.

Mm. Not exactly leading us out of the Dark Ages, is he?

You don't want humps in your love.

He's kind of cute, though. What's he like?

I don't know. I never met him.

But I know he is one lonely, lonely puppy.

Why?

What woman's stupid enough to go out with a guy whose total expertise in life is dumping people?

You got a point.

Okay, here we go.

What's your love life like?

Well, um...

Are you seeing anyone?

Give me-- give me a second.

Whoo.

So, what do you want me to do?

I was thinking of something drastic, you know?

I've been seeing Evan for about three months, and I really, really, really like him, but he's getting a little twitchy.

You know how the fine ones are.

Yeah.

I think I need to shock him.

I need to shock myself.

I had that dream again.

Ooh, the one with the straps?

No.

The one with Halle Berry.

So?

So dreaming of Halle before a haircut is as clear a sign you're gonna get in this lifetime.

Mm-mmm.

Ooh.

So how does it feel to be back in this building as an author instead of a slave?

I can wait outside Philip's office.

No. I don't want you to be lonely.

Who says I was lonely?

You gotta get out more, because it's really depressing seeing you like this.

A fan wrote me a letter, said I was arrogant.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me tell you something, kid.

You have supplied a humanitarian service to the world, bro. No.

No, listen to me, man.

You should feel good about that.

See, how is anybody gonna find their one true love when they're stuck in a bunch of dead-end relationships?

Quincy Watson, you are a love enabler.

I just need somebody normal.

Oh, see, there you go, looking for normal relationships.

There are no normal relationships.

You know why?

Because there are no normal women.

You know what? A girl came to my crib.

Never seen her before in my life.

Says that she dug the book--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a mi-- A groupie.

Oh, my boy had his first groupie!

I tell you, man, groupies are there to please, okay?

They're there to do whatever, whenever, however you want. I--

I couldn't close the deal.

Oh! You don't tell me that, man.

Do you know what I would do to get with a groupie?

Okay, look, if it ever happens again, you can just pretend that you're me.

I'll do that.

I gotta meet Nicky later.

You want to check her out?

Nope. How many weeks she got left?

Technically, her time's almost up, right.

But, uh... Mm.

She's a little freaky, so, uh...

You like her.

No.

I just saw you gaze. You gazed into mid-air there.

No, I --When you like people, you gaze.

All right, you know what it is?

She has this long, black, thick, sexy, sexy hair.

[SWORD CLANGS] Whoa, ow!

Just got the weirdest pain in my nuts.

I don't want to be standing right there.

Boy.

Anyway, you'd like her, Q.

She's, uh...

She does physical therapy at the hospital, you know.

She's bright.

Mulatto? No, no, no. A little cinnamon.

Oh, oh, okay. Bright, like, smart.

Yeah, bright, like, smart.

She's tough, she has body, and her long, long, black hair.

[SWORD CLANGS] Oh, shit. There it is again.

Boy, you are too old to be having the crabs.

What's wrong? You been putting that thing where you ain't supposed to putting it?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] It's a very social organ, but...

Yo. WOMAN: He's ready for you.

Okay.

Yo, look, all I'm saying is that one day a girl's gonna dump you before you can get a chance to dump her.

It's gonna have you very Eric Benét: sensitive.

Don't jinx me.

I'm not jinxing you.

She's gonna be unresponsive.

She's gonna hide things from you, and next thing you know, she's gonna give you those fatal words, E, "Baby, I think we need to talk."

[SIGHS]

Respond to the door.

Okay, fine. I'm out.

Twist it, respond, out.

Can I pick you anything up from the clinic?

[SIGHS]

Hey! Hey.

Author, author.

[LAUGHS]

Good to see you.

King author, baby. King author.

What's cracking? Well, yeah, hey.

Ready to roll out the second printing?

Yeah, let's get cracking.

Publishing boys in New York, they're treating you right?

They're doing me pretty decent.

That book of yours-- Now, that is just the beginning too.

I'm seeing the whole line of Spoil books.

Spoil's Guide to Sex, Spoil's Guide to Golf...

Spoil's Guide to Pimping.

Well, let's-- Hey.

I'm branding the whole damn world.

Yeah. Okay. Well.

I guess you're wondering why I asked you up here.

Yeah. Why am I here?

Okay, just... why don't you sit.

Let me just put it right out on the table.

I need your help.

With what?

Firing somebody.

Mm.

Which is not the right word.

Just, I'm-- I'm more letting go or getting rid of.

[STAMMERS] Or losing.

Another employee?

It's my girlfriend.

You want me to help you fire your girlfriend?

Well, no. If only you could.

No, no. I've gotta do this myself.

I'm not gonna delegate this.

I would if I could, but I can't. It's just--

I am at my wit's end.

This woman. God, she has--

She has a power over me.

It's like a voodoo, hoodoo, she-doo.

She's got me. I am-- I'm not in control.

No.

This is not me.

Hi. It's Sandra from the office.

You asked me to keep you in mind if there was anything that you'd want to know.

Mr. Gascon has brought in a ringer.

I need a professional.

A breakup professional?

A breakup professional.

Me? Who?

You. Him.

You've got to help me.

No, it's a disaster.

Amy, I look like a big-headed alien.

No, Evan's gonna freak.

No, I don't know what I did. It's ugly.

Oh, Jesus.

Would you stop with the perfect couple crap?

No, no, I don't look like Halle Berry.

I look like Halle Berry's Yorkshire terrier.

[KNOCKS]

Okay, no, I've gotta go.

Nicky.

Nicky!

I'm in the bedroom!

All right, come on. We're gonna be late.

Did you hear me?

I'm not coming out.

What? Never!

[WHISPERS] I'm never coming out.

Nicky, what are you doing up there?

Nothing.

You're doing nothing in the bedroom and you're never coming out?

Yeah.

And why are you never coming out?

Because I'm hiding.

And why are you hiding?

Baby, we need to talk.

Damn! He did jinx me.

Prepare yourself.

Come on!

Evan?

Hey, Evan.

Whoo-ooh.

Evan?

Aah!

What's up, Q?

What you doing here? Oh, man, you know what?

I was driving by, and I saw you had the lights on.

That's what I'm doing here.

Okay, what's with the hitting stuff?

You jinxed me, man. I knew it was going to happen.

I'm gonna whup your ass, man.

I just left Nicky's house. You know what happened?

What? She tried to break up with me.

What? Oh, yeah, what.

She was being evasive, and she was hiding, and you know what she said to me?

"Baby, we need to talk."

Oh. Oh, yeah.

That sounds familiar, don't it?

Oh, what you say?

What do you mean, "what did I say?"

I pre-empted the strike. I ran.

You said you was gonna break up with her anyway.

You see, I was gonna break up with her.

You feeling that? I with her. [INAUDIBLE]

There's a world of difference.

I with her, but it's cool because I have a plan.

This is the plan.

I made plans to meet her at the Zig Zag at 9:00.

Come on.

What's gonna happen is you show up there, and you tell her I'm gonna be a little late.

Talk me up to her, tell her what a great guy I am, how cool it is for her to be with a cat like me.

You call me, I take it from there.

Where you gonna be?

I'll be right here.

Why you staying at my place?

I don't wanna stay at your place.

I can't go home. She'll find me there.

That's right. Chapter three. Chapter three.

You've been reading. Oh, come on, man.

That's why you're nervous.

[BUSTA RHYMES & MARIAH CAREY'S "I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT" PLAYS]

Baby, if you give it to me I'll give it to you I know what you want You know I got it Baby, if you give it to me I'll give it to you As long as you want You know I got it

Uh, Nicky?

Um, maybe.

Uh-huh, maybe not, huh?

What is your name?

No, I'm not Nicky, sorry.

Okay, that's the wrong name.

Hey. Well.

Baby, if you give it to me I'll give it to you I know what you want You know I got it Baby, if you give it to me I'll give it to you Excuse me. Quincy.

Did you ask me my name? No.

[STAMMERS] You, you didn't just--

Okay, well, my name is Quincy.

Okay.

Mary.

Mary, nice to meet you.

Look, I was actually here because my cousin sent me to find his girlfriend.

She has long hair.

I never realized how many women in L.A. have long hair.

Hmm. Yeah.

No other distinguishing characteristics, like a scar, a tattoo, dimples or something?

Pretty smile.

No, not to my knowledge.

Maybe her description of you is a little bit more detailed than your description of her.

She doesn't know what I look like, because she actually thinks she's coming to meet her boyfriend.

But she's not?

No, my cousin sent me because, for some reason, he is terrified that she's gonna break up with him.

Why would he think she was gonna break up with him?

Because she wants to talk.

He ever think that maybe she'd want to talk about something else?

You know how women get when they just want to talk.

You guys, when y'all want to talk, y'all talk, and you're all talking.

Yeah, we're funny like that. Just talky-talk-talk.

Really.

So what did he expect you to do about it?

He wants me to chat her up.

Tell her how great of a guy he is.

It's really high school.

You know what? I said the same thing.

And the cruel part about it is I gotta lie, because he really ain't all that great.

What do you mean?

He's a misogynist.

He's a player, you know, and he has a three-month commitment clause.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

No, a firm policy.

Sounds like a real peach.

No, but even within the three months, see, he's messing around with other girls anyway.

Hmm. I'm, like, yo, what's the deal?

Yeah, what is the deal?

Enough about him.

You want a drink?

Yeah, a Bloody Mary. Can I get a double, please?

Mary likes Bloody Marys. That's cute.

Yeah.

So, Quincy, um... what is it that you do?

I am an editor for Spoil magazine.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. Mm-hmm.

You know, you remind me of someone.

Yeah, you remind me of somebody too.

Really?

Halle Berry.

You look like her.

Thanks.

Yeah.

[GEORGE CLINTON'S "ATOMIC DOG" PLAYING]

[GROWLS]

[SINGING OFF-KEY] Oh!

Atomic dog Nothing but the dog in you Whoo!

When they're out there Walkin' the street May compete Nothing but the dog in you

[PHONE RINGS]

Q.

No show.

Damn. That's a sign, ain't it?

Like a flashing red light before a cliff.

Wanna go get something to drink, man?

I can't, man. I just met this babe.

We might go get some dinner and a club later.

Look, I didn't mention that I wrote the book.

Is that dishonest?

You're on a date, man. It's all dishonest.

All right.

This is strange, right.

You were supposed to be meeting your date, I was supposed to be meeting my date, and we meet each other at the exact same time.

That's strange. That's not strange.

It ain't?

No. You wanna hear strange?

Give me strange.

Teratomas.

Teratomas, that's some of those cookies that come in the package?

No, that's tiramisu.

Oh, oh. No, teratomas.

They're these weird little tumors that can grow inside our bodies, formed by all three embryonic precursors.

What does that mean?

It means that they have hair and skin and glands, so they sweat-- kind of like you are right now-- and... brain tissue.

I saw one pulled out of a woman once the size of a basketball, and when they cut it open, she had a full row of teeth.

Huh.

It's like all this stuff that comes together to form human life, but somehow they dissemble into something hideous.

It's crazy.

So, what's the strangest thing that you know?

You can't bite through your own skin.

What? Can't. It's impossible.

It's, first of all, the nature of self-preservation.

You can't bite through your own skin because you're selfish.

I can't bite through my own flesh because I'm too selfish?

Mm-hmm. Try it out. No.

Go ahead. Bite into yourself--

That's lame. Bite yourself.

All right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, you want some hot sauce?

Oh. Ew.

Okay, I can't bite into my own skin because I'm sane.

It's the same thing, biologically speaking.

See, if you're not selfish, that means that you're crazy, and you could bite through your own flesh.

What about if you care about someone more than you care about yourself?

The first question would be why would you do that, and the second question, are you talking about love?

Yeah.

Love.

If someone is in love, and therefore, not selfish, then he or she is crazy and could bite through his or her own flesh.

So being in love and being crazy are one and the same?

It's obvious.

Bite your other hand?

No.

Wanna bite me?

I'm tender.

I'm moist. I'm loving.

[WHIMPERING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hello.

[DOORBELL RINGING CONTINUES]

Quincy Watson, I presume?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Quincy.

Quincy Watson.

What's up? Come on-- Ooh.

I'm Rita Monroe.

Oh. Yes, you are, Rita.

[DOG BREAKS WIND]

[GROWLS]

That's his way of saying "Hello."

Oh, God.

Hello, Rita.

[YELPS AND WHIMPERS]

Drink?

You do know why I'm here?

I do know.

I do, do, do I...

Do I know why?

One second.

So you've read my book?

I'm familiar with it.

[WHISPERS] Oh, yeah.

I'm also familiar with the fact that you're planning on giving my Philip breakup pointers.

Not a very good idea.

I'm completely committed to...

[WATER RUNNING DROWNS OUT RITA'S VOICE]

Everyone has a job, and mine is to become Mrs. Philip Gascon.

[TURNS OFF WATER]

Uh, I'm sorry, um...

You were saying?

I'm saying that I think we need to work some things out...

One professional to another.

Professional?

Don't be under any illusions.

It's not all love.

Oh, it's not love.

I think I understand now. I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting you to be so...

What, so honest?

Straightforward.

Well, there's no need for us to work against each other on this.

Compensation. You wanna talk compensation?

Wow. Very direct.

Was I too fast for you? No.

I'm just used to placating scared little rabbits you know?

I'm not used to doing business with a real man.

I need to find an ATM.

Yeah

[J-KWON'S "TIPSY" PLAYS]

This single man Ain't tryin' to get hitched Nigga waste it on me Man, son of a--

Brushed it all off Now I'm back to gettin' lit Grisa orange juice, man This some good ish Homeboy trippin'

'Cause I'm starin' At his chick Now he on the sideline Starin' at my clique Here comes the five To the four to the three Hands in the air If you cats drunk as me Clubs on the set, Kwon Cut out them trees Dude, I don't care I'm a P-I-M-P Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy Everybody in the club Gettin' tipsy

[GROWLS]

[WHIMPERS]

What the hell?

Look at the town drunk.

Where am I? You're in my living room.

What kind of man corrupts another man's dog?

Did you see a woman here somewhere?

You that freaky that you got to get somebody else to help you get a dog drunk? What you do to the dog?

I'm gonna report you to the-- To somebody.

It's not even your dog. It's your ex-girlfriend's dog.

If Helen came home right now and saw an alcoholic pug, what would she say?

You can't let pugs drink. They're not Rottweilers.

They've got little bitty kidneys.

Quincy, Helen's not coming back, man.

It ain't about Helen.

It's definitely not about the dog.

You, bro, I don't know what kind of freaky stuff you been--

You got my drawers on?

[GROANS]

Mr. Lynch, how many times have I told you, you don't have to take your clothes off for therapy.

Hold my dick.

Okay, um, I'll come back when you get dressed.

Oh..

[CLEARS THROAT]

Evan called. 1:00, your place.

A little afternoon delight?

Oh! He's so romantic.

You guys are the reason I still go on dating.

Yeah, he thinks I'm breaking up with him and he's freaking out.

Are you?

No, or...

I wasn't.

Then I went on a date with Quincy, who thinks I'm some woman named Mary.

I found out that it's true, Evan is Satan.

Not that Quincy's the most reliable source, given the fact that he lied about what he does or did, in writing that stupid book, but he did seem sincere, and there is the craziest freakin' attraction that's just--

Oh, God.

So I guess the answer's yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I'm dumping Evan's ass for lunch.

You're late.

Sorry. What are we doing way out here?

Spies.

I don't think you fully realize the seriousness of the situation I'm in.

I've got some techniques for you that are so good, you will never have to worry about this girl ever again.

Now, what's the plan?

Early supper, maybe a DVD back at my place.

Can we get the DVD at her place?

Her place.

Now, what do I say?

Nothing. Nothing?

It's what you do.

Well, what do I do? You sulk.

I-- Pardon?

And then, eventually, she will ask you...

What's wrong?

And then you will respond by saying...

Nothing.

Huh?

Come on. Come on.

Honey, something must be wrong.

No, nothing.

Something is obviously wrong.

No, it's nothing.

Tell me, please, tell me what's bothering you.

Now you've got her. She's desperate.

So you hit her right between the eyes.

Well, if you must know, I want to break up.

Wait a second. Just like that?

I call it the passive-aggressive bullet straight to the head.

She feels responsible. Maybe it's her fault.

Then, eventually, she'll squeak out...

[MOCKS CRYING] "But why?"

And you just look right in her eyes, and you say, "Hey, I don't love you."

Hmm?

And then you bounce.

Wow...

But it sounds a bit cruel.

It's less cruel than a bad relationship.

Now, I'm gonna give you these.

Okay?

That reminds you who you are.

You're hard metal. You're steel.

I still don't understand why we couldn't go to your place.

I like the smell of new paint.

Drink?

No, thank you.


Philip, you look like you swallowed a spider.

Well, I didn't just swallow a spider.

A rat? No.

You want to know what it's about?

What you swallowed?

Why I am... sulking.

It kind of just looks like you're constipated.

No, no, I explained to you that I was sulking.

Well, maybe you're sulking because you're constipated.

When's the last time you had a movement?

It's not about movements. Do you want to know what it is about?

No, not really. Well, why not?

Because you look so cute.

Rita, there's something on my mind, something I want you to know.

Philip, rub my leg. I have a cramp.

Don't you want to know what's-- what's on my mind?

Rub my leg first.

Higher, higher.

[MOANS]

What's on your mind, big boy?

[MOANING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

NICKY: It's open.

You cut your hair.

I know.

No, but I mean, you really cut your hair.

I mean, you look like that actress--

What was her name?

Halle Berry.

No, no, not Halle Berry.

Please, not Halle Barry. No.

That actress that was in that movie about the crackheads.

That's what you look like.

You-- I look like a crackhead? It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, because you know that's--

Man, that's one hell of a cut.

So, what, you like it?

No, I hate it, and that's a good thing, because it makes it so much easier.

I wanna break up with you. What?

Uh, yeah. "What?" I wanna break up.

You can't break up with me because I'm supposed to break up with your ass.

Well...

Apparently not.

Oh! Ooh, this is so unfair.

This is so completely like you, just totally contrary.

Okay, but why are you yelling at me?

Why are you yelling at me, because you wanted to break up with me, okay?

Remember yesterday, you said you wanted to have "the talk."

I didn't wanna break up with you.

You only thought I did.

Oh, no, okay. I saw the sulk.

You were sulking when I first came in.

I saw it. That wasn't a sulk!

Yes, it was, sulkhead.

Your forehead looked like a walnut, all right?

I saw it.

Okay, today I was sulking.

Yesterday, total misread.

Today, today. What?

About the talking and everything.

So why'd you cut your hair?

To keep you, dumbass.

You know, this is just too confusing for me. I'm out.

Be gone. I don't care. Go!

Who's keeping you? Not me.

You're real indignant now considering you stood me up last night.

I didn't stand you up.

Yes, you did. You stood me up.

It's all good, though, because I'm leaving.

But you stood me up.

You practically forced me to go on a date with another guy.

What?

Yeah.

What other guy?

Whoever I was out on a date with, obviously.

Where'd you go? Where we were at.

Now you're funny.

You're a comedian now, huh, but it's good, because I'm up out of here.

How long you been seeing this guy?

You know what?

That's no longer any of your business now, is it?

Did you do it?

No, not really.

You're still together?

No, he dumped me.

He dumped you?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. He's good.

Too good.

Aah...

It doesn't make sense.

You two were perfect together.

You should be getting married.

It makes perfect sense.

His best friend shows up, acts like he doesn't know who I am, talks smack about Evan to get me all angry, knows all these great little lines, and then lies about what he does.

And what does he do, you ask?

He masterminds breakups. It's so freaking obvious.

It is?

Yeah. They did the old "bait and switch."

You know, Evan just sort of handed me off to Quincy.

"Here, I'd slap that ass. Why don't you give it a try?"

No! What are you gonna do about it?

Quincy doesn't know that I know.

He doesn't see that I see the connection between him and Evan.

That I know about that stupid freakin' book he wrote.

And that's all fine and dandy.

I'll keep our little date tonight.

Take him down the old romance path.

When he leans in to kiss me... [PATIENT MOANS]

That first awkward kiss of the evening...

Yeah. I pull back...

[GASPS] And laugh.

I'll dump his ass so hard he'll be using a walker for a year.

What?

It sounds a little childish.

It is not.

Okay, maybe Evan will realize how much he's in love with you, and then you can suggest couples counseling or--

It's time for my rounds.

We'll talk later.

Lie back, Mr. Lynch.

Q. Mmm.

What you doing here?

I'm just helping Philip out with something.

No, no, no. Forget about Philip. Your boy's got problems.

I know that. You ready for this?

I think I'm in love.

Well, yeah. That's what you said.

Oh, no, no, no. That was lust.

That was just bump-and-grinding... talking-dirty-while-I'm- spanking-that-ass lust.

This, this is love.

All right. It's Nicky.

I broke up with her at lunch today.

That's a strange way to show your love.

I wasn't in love with her when I did it.

I don't think I was in love with her when I did it.

Was I in love with her when I did it?

No, no.

It wasn't until she told me she was seeing another guy.

E, that's jealousy. That ain't love.

You think so? Yeah.

Of course, it's jealousy. That's what I'm saying, see?

Now, why would I be jealous if I wasn't in love?

Because we all trip like that sometimes.

I don't know, man.

I think I made a big mistake with this.

I don't know what I should do. What do you think I should do?

Buy her something, diamond rings, clothes.

See, you're no help at all.

Credit card...

I need to find the dude, stick my foot up his ass.

He might be big. He might whup your ass.

You know... if it wasn't for that stupid haircut that she had, that sh--

She cut her hair?

She cut her hair. Can you believe it?

See, women know that that's an aggressive act towards men.

When women cut their hair, that's aggression.

She aggressed me.

No long hair? No long hair.

She thinks she looks like Halle Berry.

Come on, man, Halle Berry?

Halle B--

You know, it's--

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I was bubbling.

You know, my stomach is bad.

I ate some of those Taquitos that they had out in the front.

No, I-- I need to go. Where's the b--

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

[RAINING AND THUNDERING]


[HEATHER HEADLEY'S "HE IS" PLAYS]

Doo doo doo doo doo

Oh, my, where do How do I begin To answer the question I know you been wonderin'

Playin' cool, I cool How could it all be true?

These things, who's that? And what is he to you?

He is Mind injector The heart protector The soul defender Of anything I fear The baby conceiver The make-me-believer The joy bringer The love giver He is The dough increaser The pleasure releaser The hard-knocks knower Without the scars to show ya The night school teacher The good life preacher The caretaker The kiss craver He is Oh, these words Are only frosting on my cake Nicky?

Feelings explained Don't do justice To how I feel So alive, so in love For the first time, baby No way can I hide Who, what He is The mind injector The heart protector The soul defender Of anything I feel The baby conceiver The make-me-believer The joy bringer The love giver He is The dough increaser The pleasure releaser The hard-knocks knower Without the scars To show you He is The night school teacher The good life preacher The caretaker The kiss craver He is So He is So He is Everything, everything I wanted, I wanted He is So He is So And so much more Than I thought it could be So I So I So I Girls, I I gotta be the same for him Gotta be the same For him For my baby

So, uh, Mary.

Is that short for Marilyn?

No, um...

Actually, it's not.

So why don't you tell me more about your job as a... an editor?

Uh, yeah, uh, actually, you know what I'm trying to do?

I'm trying to write a book, like a children's book.

Of course, a book.

It's called All Dogs Leave L.A., because they can't get any attention or any love.

Where do they go?

Compton.

So, um...

Whatever happened to your sleazy friend and his long-haired girlfriend?

They broke up.

How's he taking that?

Feels like he made a big mistake.

Does he?

Oh.

You know, they say that honesty is the most important element in love.

Oh, I don't believe that.

I think it's the most important element in a relationship, but love doesn't care about it one way or the other.

What does it care about?

Itself.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

WOMAN: Who the hell do you think you are?

We had a deal.

I don't know what sort of crazy game you think you're playing, but you are completely out of your league now.

Got to be a wrong number.

PHILIP: Safe word! Rabbit!

Grow up!

Listen, Mr. Quincy Watson, if you want more than sex, then, damn it, just speak up, but double dealing?

Totally unacceptable.

You call me back.

PHILIP: These things are pinching me!

I swear I don't know who that is.

They... They've got to have the wrong number.

I don't know who that is.

I'm out.

Some other Quincy. Yo.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, baby.

Look, I swear I don't know who that--

Oh, you swear what, that you're honest and forthright?

Is that what you swear?

Uh, mostly.

Get all you need, bro.

Get all you need.

I'm sorry, she took the day off, but if there's anything I could do for you?

Is she going to be here tomorrow?

NURSE: No, I don't think so.

I've just been calling her, and she hasn't called me back--

You have the nicest eyes.

Thanks. Um--

Is there something else I can help you with?

I like your hat.

I'm so confused.

Me too.

What should I do, Mr. Lynch?

Love me?

Mm-hmm, and hold your dick, right?

Okay.

Is he gone? Yup.

Finally.

I think he's really really sorry.

Don't you think you should give him another chance?

I don't know.

You two belong together.

How about it?

It ain't a game It's about to go down In a rock town, baby We know how to blow down It ain't a game It's about to go down In a rock town, baby We know how to blow down Down in the dirty we rollin'

Gettin' me going Hey, what you holdin'

Hey.

The next day, foldin'

Down in the dirty We rollin'

Gettin' it goin'

Player, what you holdin'?

What's the problem?

If you hate this girl so much, how come you can't break up?

It's called fear.

Now, don't get me wrong, she has many fine qualities: beautiful, fun, smart, but after a point, you get this feeling of bottomless ruthlessness.

So... tell me, you wicked little animal, what is Philip offering?

You tell me.

Nothing.

Stinko. Zip.

Book payback.

Book?

Tit for tat.

Big deal. I can give you tit and tit.

Philip Gascon?

Well, you have to decide.

Are you helping Philip break up with me, or are you helping me marry him?

[GASPS]

Aw, shit. Aw, shit...

What is it?

I, uh, I've got a cramp.

Where?

Uh, it's... it's in my leg.

Well, I'll help you rub it.

Here?

Yeah, right there. That's where it is.

That's where the cramp is.

QUINCY: You're not listening.

Hello, Philip?

Mm-hmm?

Where you at?

I'm sorry. Look, if something isn't done soon, I'm going to be married.

So, uh, why do you want to marry Philip?

Oh...

Quincy, Quincy, Quincy...

I'm a practical girl.

I was brought up dirt poor on the wrong side of Toledo by not a very loving family.

I've put together a life for myself based on good looks and street savvy.

I figure I got another five to seven years to cash in.

It's really all quite simple.

I mean, even the book is theoretical.

Don't fall in love.

That's the main thing. Don't fall in love.

It's dangerous. Somebody could get hurt.

Do you love Philip?

No.

I like him.

He's nice. He's a likable guy, but women don't love men they can manipulate.

What about a man that can manipulate you?

Well, if I find one...

I'm sure I'll fall in love.

You need to break up with her at a public place.

Break up with her at the post office, the airport.

Banks are good.

Where there's a lot of security, you know, but whatever we do, you got to come on with the come on.

Be assertive.

I know. I've got to be assertive here.

Yeah... You got to get the--

I didn't tell you about the face, did I?

What?

Do you know about the face? No.

The face of immmutability.

That's where you drain all the emotion off your face, like this here...

See?

See, once you don't show any emotion, it's hard for a person to be emotional with you.

This breaks the cycle of facial expressions that give off pain, anger, and hurt.

Yeah, keep that. Keep that.

Uh-huh, keep that.

Now, when you see her, you act.

You don't wait. You say, "It's over."

Philip!

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I want to break up.

Excuse me?

Yeah. I want to break up.

Here?

Yes, here.

Why here?

To avoid violence.

[GIGGLES]

In a post office?

Philip...

It's not you.

I know you.

You're a FedEx man.

Yeah. Whatever.

Well, it's not possible.

Why not?

Because we're getting engaged.

The hell we are!

Look, I've thought it all through, and it is the best thing to do, it is the most generous thing to do.

I don't want to be generous.

Honey, I'm being generous. Not you.

Listen, let's face facts, Philip.

You are an aging, boring, white guy.

Without me to define you, you're invisible.

So in good conscience... loving person that I am, I could not really just let you go.

I just want to break up.

Of course you do.

Listen, we'll get a bottle of wine, and you can tell me all about it.

Okay?

Come on.

Come on. Buck up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GROWLING]

[GASPS]

Rufus, my darling.

How's my little baby? Cute. Oh!

[BARKS AND SNARLS]

Rufus, it's me.

Helen.

[BARKING]

You stop that.

[SNARLING VICIOUSLY]

You have something to say to me?

Yeah.

What?

You ever hear of this game called "The question game?"

No.

It's real simple.

It's where, uh, you ask me a question, I have to answer it truthfully.

I ask you a question, and you have to answer it truthfully.

Sounds slightly mean and dangerous.

How about I start it out?

What's your name again?

Mary?

Nicky.

Your turn.

Okay, hmm...

What do you do?

I was an editor at Spoil magazine.

Then I wrote this handbook on how to break up with your lover.

Hmm...

How long have you known that?

First night at the bar.

How long have you known that my name wasn't Mary?

Yesterday.

So you didn't know that first--

Ah!

Hold on.

Why'd you go out with me?

Because you thought I looked like Halle Berry.

Who was that woman on the phone? -I don't know.

No girlfriend or ex-girlfriend lurking in the shadows with a frying pan?

No. None of that.

Do you love Evan?

I thought I did.

Once you knew who I was, you were planning to stop seeing me, weren't you?

I can't do that. That's my cousin.

It's not right.

But here you are.

Here we are.

Why is that?

I'm crazy.

How crazy?

I'm crazy like...

Mm. Not a drop of blood.

What's a girl to think?

I'm bleeding internally.

[MOANING]

NICKY: Wait. Wait. Wait, Quincy, wait.

Wait. Maybe we shouldn't, Quincy.

Why?

You know why.

Yeah. You're right. You're right.

I gotta talk to him.

Yeah, I mean, if we had wild sex tonight, it would only complicate things.

Yeah. Yeah. It would.

I'm tripping.

I'm going to go talk to him.

You know, maybe I should just go.

Do you want to go?

Do you want me to go? Not unless you want to go.

I don't want to go. Don't go.

Then why you bring it up?

We could play a game.

Naked Twister.

No, I have a better game.

Really? Mm-hmm.

The Fantasy Game.

The Fantasy Game...

Mm-hmm. You sit over there.

I'll be over here.

You tell me one of your favorite fantasies, and I'll tell you one of mine.

You can go first.

Okay, there's these baby chickens, and they're all oiled up...

You-- you go first. I got to work mine out.

Mm. Okay.

I'm asleep... in this deep, beautiful sleep.

This stranger, he comes into my bedroom, and his lips, they taste so sweet.

Like a Now and Later.

Grape? Grape.

Yeah, grape...

And then his lips are... slowly... moving down my body, from my neck... to my breasts... to my belly.

I just can barely catch my breath, and...

Oh, this-- it's like a slow, enormous explosion, and--

Oh! Oh! Get off!

Ew! What are you doing?

What? I-- I...

The dream and the lips...

It was a fantasy.

God...

Well, you got me excited. I...

I was feeling...

Oh, what the hell.

Didn't work out, did it?

Somehow it turned into a negotiation.

It started out far apart.

I wanted to break up, she wanted to get engaged.

In the end, we forged a compromise.

What was the compromise?

We got engaged.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

So you still want to break up?

More than ever.

Well, you know how I'm a firm believer of straightforward honesty and direct dealings, right?

I have the deepest respect for your philosophy.

Damn all that.

Look, we're gonna write a letter.

The letter simply gonna state that you've broken up.

Hell, I'll even write it for you.

And then after that, just change your phone numbers, change your answering machine.

You take a vacation.

Go somewhere for two weeks, somewhere exotic that only you know about.

Don't you want to be somewhere exotic so you can be naked somewhere, just running on the beach having fun, and frolic!

Frolic all you want, and then you come back, and then you change up.

Change your habits.

Change your schedule for about... six months.

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

Yeah.

Yeah?

Well, I can do that.

Run naked somewhere, can't you?

Ha!

I've got an ass, and I'm going to show it.

If that's what you want to do. I don't want to see it.

Yeah, go show your ass.

Let's see some ass!

Don't get naked right here.

I can just run away!

All right. All right, now.

You scaring me.

You scarin'-- you are scaring me.

Evan, this cousin of yours is a genius!

Don't forget, give me that letter.

About 7:00?

All right. Adiós!

[LAUGHS]

What did you give him?

I need to holler at you about something--

Got something to show you.

Watch your eyes. Watch your eyes.

Nicky?

Who else?

I thought you guys broke it off.

Q, the deeper the hole, the bigger the romantic gesture you need to crawl out of it, and this... is a big gesture.

What makes you think she's interested in this?

Because I know. How do you know?

Because I know.

Her best friend told me. No, she didn't.

Oh, yes, she did.

What about her dude?

She's just using some loser to get to me, the real prize.

What makes you think he's a loser?

Because I know he's a loser.

I'm just saying, I don't believe that, that she would choose something like that.

Believe it. I know Nicky.

I see where she's going with this.

She likes her little games, and I play along with it, because some of the games are kind of kinky--

Aw...

Why-- Why are you doing this?

I love the woman. That's why I'm doing this.

You don't think it's a good idea?

No, I don't think it's a good idea.

I set you up. I knew you were gonna say that, because you're about being safe and about being in control, and this... this is crazy, right?

When?

The master plan goes down tonight.

I'm so brilliant.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm looking for Nicky Callas.

I'm a good friend of hers, Quincy Watson.

You know, she's out for a few hours, but why don't you leave her a message?

Sure. Can you tell me where she went?

No. No idea.

Well, make sure she gets this. This is real important.

Of course.

Hi!

Hey...

Still on for tonight, aren't we?

Sure.

[DOG SNORING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[DOG YAPS]

Nicky?

No, it's Philip.

Are you bringing that letter over yet?

Uh, yeah, I'm coming.

Thank you, muchacho.

CROWD: Surprise!

[CHEERING]

Well, I couldn't rush off to paradise without celebrating you on your second printing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Quincy Watson, author.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

There he is. Big time. Big time.

Hey, I've got a surprise for you.

Mm-hmm.

It's in the back.

Hey, you ain't seen Philip's girl, have you?

I doubt she was invited.

Oh, good. Good, good, good.

Yeah, I thought you were supposed to meet Nicky here.

Ah, it's all been arranged.

Trust me. Have I ever let you down?

Have I ever... let you down?

Hello, Quincy.

Helen?

[GIGGLES]

Yeah, uh...

What you doing here?

I'm back.

[GIGGLES]

Whose party is this, Amy?

A friend's.

I wanted to go to the movies.

Come on. Don't be such a drag.

It'll be fun.


It took me going away to realize that... it wasn't you who needed to change, it was me.

You're perfect just... the way you are, but I would do anything to make it right again between us.

Amy, what have you done?

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna close my eyes now... and you can either kiss me... or slap me.

I don't care.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Excuse me, Q...

I need to speak to you.

Now.

Don't go.

Nicky's here.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah, and Rita's here too.

What?

It's a long story, but I need you to go get Nicky and bring her back here to me, okay?

Let me tell you how to recognize her.

I know. She's got short black hair.

I don't see Evan anywhere.

I can't believe you did this to me, Amy.

I'm leaving.

No, no, no. He's changed.

Okay, It was supposed to be a surprise, but... he has a ring.

[GIGGLING]

A ring of what?

A diamond ring, silly!

Wow...

You're psychotic.

Really psychotic.

Well, that's harsh.

Excuse me.

Nicky...

Quincy...

Hey, what's up?

You know what?

Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

I was thinking we could bounce out, get us a little...

Ooh, uh, you know, have you seen the floors?

These floors are great.

Who is that woman waving at you?

I don't know. She was looking at you.

Have you got the letter?

Right here.

Okay, Nicky.

I see you met Quincy already.

You didn't tell him?

Tell me what?

That's the girl.

Hi.

Hmm...

Let's go blow out these candles.

Yeah, let's go.

I think I'll mingle.

Hello. I'm Helen, Quincy's muse.

Oh, I'm Nicky, Quincy's girlfriend.

I'm Rita. I just screw him.

[CROWD SINGS "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]

Yo, Evan, I've been seeing Nicky.

What?

I wanted to let you know me and Nicky been seeing each other.

My Nicky?

Look, I've been seeing Nicky, and I love her.

[PUNCH, GRUNT]

[FURNITURE SMASHING]

Hey...

I just met your muse and your little ho.

You know what you are?

You're a walking, talking teratoma.

No. Nicky, wait.

Ugh!

Yo, Nick--

[WHISTLES]

E! Wait!

E, hold up, man.

Look, it's not what you think.

I think you weren't thinking. That's what I think.

Dude, I didn't even know what she looked like--

I don't give a damn.

You don't do that to blood.

You don't do that to family.

You know the rules.

Yeah, I know you know. Go to hell, man.

When I get her back, you stay away from her.

Dude...

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Going somewhere?

Oh! Yeah, just a business trip.

You know, kind of a last-minute thing... to London. Just...

Yeah, just...

Well, the hotel pool, you know?

You're allergic to chlorine.

Not that bad.

You stop breathing.

Changed the locks?

Yeah, the key broke off inside the... but it--

Is this letter addressed to me?

Perhaps you should just read it.

There's something I need to tell you, even though it may change your opinion of me.

I'm having an affair.

[DOG BARKS]

Dang security.

Philip?

What you doing here, and how'd you get in?

I broke a window. Why'd you do that?

Your little dog is very friendly.

What are you doing here?

[SCREAMS]

What's your problem, man.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, what the hell...

Philip, I'm confused.

Yes, you certainly are, because I know.

You know what?

Rita told me about your-- your indiscretions.

He bit me.

That animal.

The way I listened to you.

The way I confided in you.

It wasn't me, I swear.

Listen to me, you ungrateful little misanthrope.

If you so much as look at Rita again, I will hire people to break you in two!

Plus, I'm pulling your lousy book!

Your self-help days are history.

I'm going to marry that girl, and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me!

[RITA GASPS]

Oh...

Yeah, it's just, uh...

Yeah.

[SOBBING]

Stop that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah Da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da Da

Da-da-da-da da-da-da Da

[POP]

[COOING]

[SNIFFING]

[GRUNTING AND PANTING]

[PANTING AND WHINING]

What?

This?

[YIPPING AND BARKING]

Fine.

Here.

[SNARLING AND BARKING]

Don't you threaten me.

[DOG SNARLS, HELEN SCREAMS]

[BARKING]

I want that thing put down.

[GRUMBLING]

No, there ain't gonna be no fights in here, but if you do get into a fight, keep that left up.

Then come with--

Hey, can I help you?

Yeah, um, I was wondering, if I left my girlfriend's dog here, could you find him a good home?

Come with me.

Oh. There you go.

Got your own condo, skylights, Jacuzzi...

Yeah, they all get three days, but between me and you, ain't none of them get out of here alive.

Let me know.

[BARKING]


[GROWLS]

[ALL BARKING]

We're having a good time.

Where are my dogs at.

God, it's so ugly!

[BARKING]

Fly back to Paris on this.

Go get her, boys.

[HELEN SCREAMING]

Yeah, Nicky?

RECORDING: The person you are trying to reach is unavailable.

Da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da, yeah

Yo, E, I've got to talk to you.

Wait a minute.

Before you start, I have something I want to tell you.

I'm getting married.

No, you ain't. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No date yet, but it's going down.

You happy for me?

Of course, because it's a big day for you, but--

That's good, because you know why?

I want you to be my best man.

Oh, no, man. I can't do that.

Q, we go back. I'm not gonna do that.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

She's here. She's here?

She's here. For what?

No. WOMAN: Mm...

Quincy, this is Rita.

Rita, Quincy.

Pleasure finally meeting you.

Heard a lot about you.

You have no idea.

Yeah, uh, what happened to Philip?

Heart attack.

What do you think?

RITA: Thankfully, it turned out to be a fairly minor incident...

[WHEEZING]

But he needed to spend a few days in the hospital.

So there I was, nursing the poor soul back to life, when who walks in?

Oh, hey, is that the Angler contract you got there?

[LOW VOICE] Yeah, you know, I can come back later.

No, no. Just put it down here.

Right here?

Yeah, just here. Here is good.

[COUGHING]

Oh, Evan, I'm sorry. Where are my manners?

Evan, this is Rita Monroe, Rita Monroe, Evan Fields.

RITA: Of course, I didn't know he was Evan.

I thought he was you.

I felt so used, so manipulated that I just... fell in love.

Is Philip still in the hospital?

No. I fixed him up with this little nurse betty I knew.

Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga...

Ah... good boy.

EVAN: He's in good hands.

Rita, will you excuse us for a second?

What's crack-alating?

You talk to Nicky yet?

Oh, no. Well, I stalked her for a little while, right.

But that was a long time ago.

That's a joke, man.

Good.

Rita, nice to meet you.

Uh, Q...

You still need my permission if you want to talk to her.

Them the rules.

I've got my own rules now, player.

Kinda fast

[THWACK] EVAN: Ow!

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon I can't believe he hit you in the ear.

They deserve each other.

Hello?

Hey, where's Nicky?

She's not here.

When's she coming back?

She's not.

What you mean, she's not?

She's gone to Portland.

Portland?

Yeah. You just missed her.

She took the train. He's afraid to fly.

He? Who the hell is "he"?

Right here, Mr. Lynch.

All right, now, don't move, okay?

Your daughter's not paying me enough to play hide-and-seek with you, all right?

I'm going to go get the tickets.

Stay here.

[HONKING]

Damn.

Hi. Two tickets on the Surfliner to Portland, please.

[HONKING]

Come on!

Damn!


Nicky!

Nicky!

Okay, we've got to go.

We've got to go now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please have your tickets ready.

Final destination for this train is San Diego.

What?

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

Don't even think about it.

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

What the...

Oh, my gosh.

Quincy...

What are you doing?

I'm a--

Look, it's my fault! I'm an idiot!

What are you--

I don't understand what you're saying!

Do you hear me? What are you with the old dude for?

I can't understand what you're saying!

I'm a misanthrope!

I'm an asshole! I'm a fool!

I can't hear you!

I love you! I've got to have you!

[NO SOUND]

What are you--

No, no, no! No, no, don't!

Crazy man.

Don't!

No, don't! Oh, my God!

[THUD]

Stay here.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]


["HE IS" BY HEATHER HEADLEY PLAYS]

Doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo

Oh, my, where do Where do I begin To answer the question I know you been wondering Playin' cool, I, cool How could it all be true?

These things, who's that And what's it to you?

He is the mind objector The heart protector The soul defender Of anything I fear The baby conceiver The make-me-believer The joy bringer The love giver He is

Doo doo doo doo doo

He is

He is

He is

Yeah, yeah, yeah Come on, we got work to do Yeah Caught up in the game Come on, we got work to do Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da Caught up in the game Caught up in the game

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da Caught up in the game Caught up in the game

Da-da-da-da-da Caught up in the game Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Da


Come on Da-da-da-da-da-da-da Come on Da-da-da

Ah, come on Come on, ah Come on, come on, ah, ah Da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da Yeah, come on

Da-da-da-da da-da-da Da-da-da Yeah Come on Yeah, come on Yeah

MAN: Let the dogs go.