Brewster's Millions (1985) Script

Outside!


We got one to go!

One out to go! All right.

Okay!

Be careful with your ass, Brewster. We got two outs.

Come on, Rudy! Hit it, Rudy!

Foul ball! Aw, foul ball?

Aw, you almost had that. I bet you feel like a big piece of shit, don't you?

Talk all you want, Porky.

Here we go, Monty. Right into Porky's glove.

Throw it in to Porky!

Foul ball!

Aw, foul ball again!

It's all right, Rudy.

Want me to have him pitch underhanded to ya?

Hey, I lettin' my bat do my talking, lard ass!

Oh, the bat's got the brains! Play ball.

All right. I just want to figure it out!

That's all. I want to know who's got the brains in the family.

Time out! Time out?

It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.

Come on, take it easy now. Don't lose your concentration.

Don't lose my concentration? The goddamned train's coming through the outfield!

There's a guy out there in the bleachers, front row, he's got a hat, camera.

He's taking pictures of me for the last three games.

I'm tellin' ya. I think he's a scout for the big leagues.

Monty, this is Hackensack, New Jersey.

No scout comes here, you understand?

A train's goin' through the outfield right now.

But if you strike this guy out, I'll take you with me tonight, we'll get you drunk.

That's a promise. Two outs. Two! Two!

Play ball!

Two outs. Two outs.

He makes three.

Look at him. He's a little rag doll!

Knock it a long distance for me!

Hey, old man, getting a little tired, huh?

Get back to T-ball, buddy.

Strike three! You're out!

Big win! Yeah!

All right. Big win!

Constantly scheming Forever dreaming If I can't get what I want Life just ain't worth livin'

No Hey, honey!

Oh, living in materialistic reality Only taking what you want Oh, don't you see Do you live in a materialistic reality I'm a gypsy. That's why I'm not gonna bullshit you, okay?

I could tell you, "I'll see you next year." I'm not gonna see you next year.

Because I'm gonna be playing with the big leagues.

Really? That's right.

I don't know what team, but you'll see me on television and you'll say to your friends, "I know that guy! That's the guy that wanted to date me, "but, no, I was too stupid."

Jake here. I'm in Hackensack.

Ah, pretty much the same picture. He was out drinkin' till 3:30 in a bar last night, then he picked up some girl and took her back to the hotel.

I figure tonight's agenda looks about the same.

He's in a bar celebrating his victory.

Yeah, he was the winning pitcher today.

Yeah, right now, you're playing for Hackensack.

So what are you doing in a Cubs jersey, huh?

A Cubs jersey? What are you talkin' about? Hey, what number is that?

Says "35."

That was my number when I played with the Cubs.

They were the only big league team smart enough to let me play for 'em.

Is he a good pitcher? He's enthusiastic.

Kinda like a kid in a candy store, you know what I mean?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Cold beer here. Cold beer.

There you go. Sorry I'm late. Allow me.

Attractive. Thank you very much.

Look, just keep your eye out for Rudy, will you?

He doesn't exist. There is no Rudy.

Yes, sir. I'll break the news to him first thing tomorrow morning.

No, sir, I won't lose sight of him.

Let me tell you something about athletes.

I mean, after a game, we've got to relax, we gotta come down.

Unwind. My doctor told me. He said, "Hey, Brewster. Man, get a massage. Come down."

We were reading in a medical journal that was left in the locker room the other day, an article by this Oriental doctor on massages.

See, we in the West give a massage like this, you know.

And, uh, see, all the energy coming from my hands is stopped by the fabric.

Apparently we in the West don't know that, and we're massagin' for nothin'.

So his theory, and it's just a theory, is that if you're nude and you get a massage, that's the best thing for ya.

Good for your muscles, nude.

We're wonderin' maybe you might like to, uh, try the theory nude with us.

The four of us nude would be great! Oh, that would be fun.

Massaging each other. Mmm-hmm.

I think they're kind of cute.

This one's especially cute.

Either you guys got a car?

No. Got a bus!

The Bulls' bus. The team bus. Bigger than a car.

Oh, much bigger and more fun, because he's the party-meister, himself.

I'm the driver too.

Why don't we start in a bus? Why don't we try the bus?

Let's try the bus. Any left? We'll show you the bus.

Any left?

I'll try the bus. A good place to start the evening off.

You're gonna love this. We have a big-screen TV. Well, we haven't got it yet.

We got a space for a big-screen TV I think you're gonna like.

You know...

Hi, guys.

Uh. Rudy! Hi, Rudy, buddy!

Get in the car before I twist your head off.

I didn't do anything wrong, baby.

They tried to pick us up.

Bullshit!

Shut up! You too. Get in the goddamned car!

Don't wanna get in the car. Hey, I wouldn't do that.

Uh, Rudy... Hey! Butt out, rag arm!

Let's go, guys.

Ha! We'll push your face!

Yeah, police? This is Torchy's on J Street.

You'd better send somebody down here. There's gonna be a fight.

Ooh!

Ow!

Why is it when there's trouble, we're the ones that get into it?

There was a bar full of people. We're the only ones in jail.

I don't think it's racial, you know, because I'm in here with you.

That's comforting.

Hiya, fellas.

Charley. Hey, Charley.

Look, I don't know what to say, but I guess this is it.

Charley, we apologized.

Now cut the speeches, and get us out of here, please.

I can't do it, kid. The front office is washing its hands of you two.

There's no money for bail and no money for your fines.

They gave the both of you your unconditional releases.

That's just great. Do they know what they're talking about?

We got one game left. If we win today, we're in the play-offs!

It's simple. They don't want you guys.

Next year, they're going with the college draft choices.

New talent. Young kids.

Hey, look at it this way, Brewster.

You're lucky. You got to be a pro ballplayer for 15 years.

That's a lot more than most people get.

I'll see ya.

Brewster and Nolan.

Okay! You bozos are up to bat.

In here. Let's go!

Don't worry about a thing. I'll take care of everything.

I know this kind of stuff. Don't mess up.

Just smile.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Brewster and Mr. Nolan, you're charged with assault and battery, resisting arrest, and destruction of private property.

How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

Oh, guilty but with a real good excuse.

You're gonna love it, really. I think everyone here will.

I plead innocent.

You see, Your Honor, what you have here with Mr. Brewster and myself, is a couple of, well, local heroes, really.

We play for a local team. You might have seen us. The Hackensack Bulls?

Perhaps you know the... "Go, you Bulls, go."

Let's not waste the court's time.

I have depositions here from over a dozen eyewitnesses.

Your Honor, we went into the bar to have a drink, and we saw this nice lady, and we asked her to sit with us to have a drink, I didn't know she had a fiance.

Who knew? Did you know?

I didn't know. It wasn't public knowledge. I didn't know, either.

So you were making advances to a woman who was clearly involved with another man.

You see, if you don't make calls, you don't make any sales.

This man does not represent me, Your Honor.

I would remove that from the court records. I would...

I'm going to set your bail at $3,000.

Not bad.

We don't have $3,000. We don't.

Bailiff, will you remove the prisoners? Next case.

Your Honor, wait. Please, before you send us to jail...

Look, I tried to defend myself. The man hit me first.

With the permission of the court...

My name is J.B. Donaldo, and I'm representing parties who wish to remain anonymous at this time and who have instructed me to post bail for the defendants or pay any fines levied in case they plead guilty, which I'm sure they will now do.

Yeah. Who is he? It's the scout.

Oh, yeah. I told you they want me.

They want me. We're goin' to the big time! This is it.

So where to, J.B.? New York.

New York? Yeehaw!

The Mets!


I knew it! I knew it!

There's no Mets in here! Wait a minute.

Don't go in there. There's no Mets in this building!

I never said anything about the Mets. Mr. Brewster did.

I was just hired to find him and bring him here.

This is not a scout. He's a cop, Monty. That's what he is.

He's a cop. Look at him. Look at those cheap cop shoes, cop face, cop hat, cop shirt, cop eyes!

Monty, the Mets don't want you, all right?

Hell, the Hackensack Bulls don't even want ya.

Look, I ain't supposed to tell you this, but here's who hired me.

Granville and Baxter. As far as I know, they got nothin' to do with the Mets.

It's goin' great.

It's the Yankees.

Mr. Brewster? Right.

We've been expected you. The arm's okay.

Beg your pardon? The operation was a success.

The arm's two years old now.

Follow me, please.

Wait for me.


Mr. Brewster's here.

Mr. Brewster? I'm Ed Roundfield. Yeah.

This is Mr. George Granville. Mr. Norris Baxter.

How do you do? Hi.

How do you do?

Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mr. Brewster.

What I'm about to tell you may come as quite a shock.

No, sir. I don't want to sit down. I want to hear this standing up.

Have you ever heard the name Rupert Horn? Rupert Horn.

No. I bet he's someone high up in the Yankee organization, right?

I'm afraid not, Mr. Brewster. Rupert Horn was your great-uncle.

What's that got to do with baseball?

Rupert Horn quarreled with his family back in the '30s.

He went out West.

They never heard from him again. They thought he was dead.

But he didn't die until last month.

And by then, he was one of the richest men in America.

And he bought a baseball team, right?

No, oil and real estate.

And you, Mr. Brewster, are the sole living heir of your great-uncle, Rupert Horn.

I think it's only fair to tell Mr. Brewster about the conditions of the will.

Brewster, greetings from the grave.

Don't look so surprised.

Didn't you know your great-grandfather was a honky?

The old man married twice. One wife, white, produced me.

One wife, black, produced your grandmother.

A checkered family, you might say.

I've outlived them all, except you.

They tell me you're my only living relative, Brewster.

And I got to say I'm very disappointed. Look at you!

What have you made of yourself? A failed baseball player.

I believe in being honest, Brewster. No bullshit.

I'm stuck with you.

But we're going to have some fun.

Let me...

Let me tell you a little story, Brewster.

When I was seven years old, my daddy caught me smokin' a cigar.

Locked me in the closet for three days and three nights with nothin' but a box of cigars and a book of matches.

No food, Brewster. No water, just those goddamned cigars.

Wouldn't let me out until I finished every last one.

Taught me one hell of a lesson.

I'm going to do to you what my daddy did to me.

I'm gonna teach you to hate spending money.

I'm gonna make you so sick of spending money that the mere sight of it will make you want to throw up.

So, here's my proposition.

You have 30 days in which to spend 30 million bucks.

If you can do it, you get 300 million.

There's gotta be a catch.

Of course there's a catch.

You have to spend the 30 million, but after 30 days, you're not allowed to own any assets.

No houses, no cars, no jewelry, nothin' but the shirt on your back.

Sounds easy, don't it?

Well, you'll find out!

No, no, no, no.

Now...

You can hire anybody you want, but you got to get value for their services.

You can donate 5% to charity, and you can gamble another 5% away, but you can't give this money away.

And that includes buying the Hope Diamond for some bimbo as a birthday present.

I know what you're thinking, Brewster.

You'll buy yourself a dozen Picassos and use them for firewood, right?

Wrong! You must not destroy what is inherently valuable.

That's instant disqualification.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

You're not allowed to tell anybody why you have to spend this money.

Why can't I tell my friends?

Because I don't want anybody helpin' you out!

Nobody helped me out in that closet with those cigars.

I never had any friends.

Well, Brewster, what do you think? You got the balls for it?

I doubt it. That's why I put a special wimp clause in my will.

You can have a million dollars, right now, forget the whole thing.

Or you can go for the big one, Brewster.

The 300 million.

But if you fail, you don't get diddly.

This is the million dollars your great-uncle spoke about.

Oh, Jesus! I've never seen that much money in my life!

We've investigated your background, Mr. Brewster.

The highest salary you've ever had is $11,000 for one season with the Toledo Mud Hens.

You've never had a credit card in your entire life.

Think of spending a million dollars a day for 30 days with no assets to show for it.

It's quite difficult to spend money without accumulating assets, even when the money is spent foolishly.

Surely, no one could blame you for refusing such an eccentric gamble.

That's good advice. Take the million.

It's yours!

What happens if I don't take the million dollars and I, I try for the whole thing and I fail?

Granville and Baxter would gain power of attorney over the estate.

They would administer it in some charitable fashion for a considerable fee, I'm sure.

What do you think? I don't benefit either way, Mr. Brewster.

I'm a completely neutral observer.

Whew. "Bird in the hand..."

That's what my grandmother used to say.

I'm gonna go for the 300 million.

When you appear before us again in 30 days, Mr. Brewster, you must be totally penniless, without assets of any kind, having nothing but the receipt for your expenses and the clothes on your back.

Are you certain you want to do this, Mr. Brewster?

No, sir, I'm not certain, but I'm gonna have a lot of fun findin' out.

Send Drake up here immediately.

Good luck, sir. You're due back in 30 days.

Gentlemen, shall we say...

...12:00 midnight exactly?

We're going to assign one of our paralegals from the accounting department to keep track of your expenditures and receipts.

Does this guy Drake know about the 300 million?

All Drake knows is that you've inherited $30 million which must be precisely accounted for.

You tell Drake the truth, you'll automatically lose the entire inheritance.

I ain't tellin' Drake shit. My lips are sealed.

Lock them. Throw away the key. "Hello, Drake."

This is the way I'll talk. "How are you doing, Drake?"

Miss Drake. This is Mr. Brewster, the client we briefed you about.

Oh, yes, Mr. Brewster. It's very nice to meet you.

Damn. It doesn't rain, it pours. I beg your pardon?

The $30 million is deposited in a bank across the street.

I imagine you'd like to make sure it's real and possibly make a withdrawal.

Yeah, I'd like to make sure it's real. Step this way, please.

Hey, good luck. Yes, sir.

Spike! Spike! What's wrong? What's wrong?

What's wrong? Are you all right? Spike! Spike!

You look like you've seen a ghost! I did! But I'm not.

I'm okay. It's gonna be great.

We're gonna be back on the team.

In fact, I may own the team. What?

Yeah, I'm gonna be a little crazy for a while.

But I'm not crazy. People gonna think I'm crazy.

You stick with me, you're my buddy.

You work here? No. No. They just hired me to follow you.

Would you like to work for more money than you ever made in your life?

I mean, it's a job. It's gonna be...

I gotta check out something, see if it's real first. Are you interested?

Yeah! You kiddin'? Bring your camera.

Come on. What are you talking...

Would you mind fillin' me in on what the hell is going on?

What's wrong? What did they do to you in there?

What do you mean, what did they do to me in there?

I think I just inherited $30 million!

Oh, is that all? I thought we did something wrong.

$30 million. Why didn't you tell me $30 million?

$30 million? You kiddin' me?

Like I'm gonna take money from my best friend.

Things like this just don't happen every day!

This is incredible news! $30 million!

The man just got $30 million given to him. This is a good day.

We're always gonna remember this day.

$30 million! That makes us rich! Well, not us. It makes him rich.

What a great day we're havin'! Me?

He's havin' a wonderful day!

But I'm havin' a good time too! I'm his best friend.


Jesus!

This is real... Money.

Oh, we're gonna have a lot of fun with this kind of money.

This is the real deal.

It is, indeed, Mr. Brewster.

Now let's not be rash with our newfound money.

Right.

Jake, I'd like to hire you as my official photographer.

Salary $10,000 a week. $10,000 a week? This guy's a jerk!

Hey, shut up. I accept.

Hey, hold still for the camera, Mr. Brewster.

Not bad for a guy that didn't finish his first year of college, wouldn't you say?

Oh, you're doing great, but, uh, I don't think you inherited me with your money, Mr. Brewster.

Needless to say, we'll be offering you the special 24% interest rate we reserve for major corporations and a few of our Arab friends.

I don't want any interest!

I want it in a regular account that doesn't pay anything.

After all, it's your vault. I should be paying you rent.

Very good, Mr. Brewster. But Mr. Brewster...

You'd be giving up $7.2 million a year just in interest alone!

Because I'm rich doesn't mean I should take advantage of people. Am I right?

Oh, yes. Right you are, Mr. Brewster.

I'd like to get $3 million in cash now and take it with me.

$3 million? You know how much money $3 million in cash is?

You don't walk around the street with $3 million!

You'd need an army of security guards. The man's right.

What do they pay you here?

About 350 a week before taxes.

You can't live on that. This is a dangerous job!

I'll pay you $2,000 a week to be the chief of my security.

No-no-no-no-no. Oh, yes. That's wrong. Okay.

$4,000 a week.

And you get 20 other guys, and I'll pay 'em $3,000 a week.

You missed the point.

Now go in there and get the $3 million and follow me!

Yes, sir!

Everybody, follow me!

Monty, listen to me. This is Spike, your old pal.

You don't do things like that!

Put it in a T-bill. Is that so wrong?

Listen to me. What are you doin'?

I'll tell you what's goin' on...

You don't even know those people! They're gonna think I'm crazy.

But I'm not. You got to stick with me, 'cause this is it!

This is the way we're gonna beat the system! What system?

The baseball system! You got more heart than any catcher I've ever worked with, man.

And I can get anybody out for three innings, anybody!

And with this inheritance, man, this is our ticket to the big leagues!

You understand? You with me? No!

Well, yeah! Well, let's go!

That's right. That's right Take some pictures.

I want everything on film. I need a record of it.

For what?

Strike!

Watch the goddamn ball, Johnson!

You're not a farmer! You don't have to swing at shit in the dirt!

What? Collect call from who?

Switchboard says it's Brewster.

He's callin' me from jail.

Just what I need. Tell him he owes me 200 bucks.

Yeah, I'll accept the call.

Charley, I'm not drunk. I'm in New York, and I just inherited 30 million bucks.

I'm about to go into negotiations to buy the team.

Actually, I'm gonna rent the team.

Ball! What kind of a crap play is that?

Wilson, you idiot! You're out!

You don't steal second when you're down two runs!

Brewster, do me a favor. Go crazy on your own time and charges.

This whole team's going to shit, and we're gonna miss the play-offs.

I ain't in the mood for no jokes!

That's why I love you, Charley.

And that's why I'm gonna raise your salary. Because I love your dedication.

Charley, I'm gonna get the team new uniforms, a team bus with air conditioning and a TV!

And we're arrange it so that we can play the New York Yankees!

Right. Right. Okay, just tell me one thing, Mr. Millionaire.

You're so rich, why are you calling collect?

They gave me $100 bills, Charley.

I had to rent this quarter from my accountant.

Yeah, I know. It's a big problem. Nighty-night, sweet prince.

Nighty-night? Charley! He doesn't believe me.

Thanks for the loaning of the quarter.

Wow! Now, that's really nice. Oh, it's beautiful.

But there is no way I can see spending over a couple hundred thousand dollars for something you wear around your neck.

You know how many hungry people that could feed?

Let's go to lunch.

Yo! Taxi!

Who the hell is that? Monty Brewster, the richest guy in the world.

And I work for him.

Monty who?

How would you like to be my personal driver for the next 30 days at $5,000 a week?

You want to hire a piece of shit car for $5,000 a week?

Cash! What a country!

America, I love it!

Mr. Brewster, you could hire a fleet of limousines for that money!

She's right. You know where to hire limousines?

Yeah.

All right. I want you to hire me three of the most expensive limousines with drivers, and bring the receipts and give 'em to Miss Drake.

Yes, sir! We go to lunch now.

Hey! Everybody! Anybody want to go to lunch?

I'm buying.

Yeah!

I want pictures of this! Buzz off. I'm his personal photographer.

Hey, what's this? Screw you! This is a free country!

What are you... Here. Focus on that!

Come on, Spike!

Wait for me, pal! Wait for me!

Hey...

Taxi! Taxi!

What's your name? Melvin.

Melvin, give him $500. Yes, sir.

Look at all that money! You have the most beautiful eyes.

Mr. Brewster, I have been hired to keep your accounts for the next 30 days, and that's the extent of my services.

Uh, to where is our destination?

Monty! How are you doin', pal?

Give me that. Watch it! Watch the lens!

Chump, I'm Spike! We're right behind ya!

That's Spike. We're buddies. We're all together.

I'll buy you a cab later, huh?

Two hundred people at a $100 a head.

No. We're hungry. $200 a head!

And, uh, what's your most expensive wine you have?

Oh, that's the Chateau Lafite 1961. It's $400 a bottle.

You guys like Lafite?

Yeah!

Excuse my expression, but you think I'm a real asshole, don't ya?

A country bumpkin that flashes his money around like some big shot?

I'm your accountant. I'm not your judge. What college you go to?

I don't see that that has anything to do with anything.

Come on, give me a break.

All I want to know is what college you went to.

All right. I went to Loyola. That's in... Loyola.

Chicago I know the city, and I know the college.

You wanna put that back?

And the ashtray.

Why don't you go sit somewhere else?

Why don't you get off my back?

And why don't you use your fork, not your fingers.

That's how it's usually done. Yeah. Oh, is that right?

Boss found a job for you yet, by the way? Like designated eater?

Look, I don't want a job. I'm his friend.

What's that pay?

Why don't you let me hire someone to do that for you, and we could have a lot of fun tonight.

Oh, that's very flattering, but I'm meeting my fiance.

Who's the lucky guy?

Warren Cox. He's a junior partner at Granville and Baxter.

Is he a lawyer too? He's not just a lawyer.

He's involved with the Sierra Club, anti-nuclear movement, UNICEF.

And he's a sincere feminist. I bet.

But a guy like that with so many activities, where's he find the time for you?

It's hard sometimes.

But we're trying to do more things together. I'd like to meet him sometime.

He's a very busy man. I'd pay him for his time.

I don't think so.

I know you think you can buy up everything and everybody in the world, but I doubt that you could ever buy Warren.

This is Chuck Fleming, Action News, in midtown Manhattan.

Now arriving at the Plaza Hotel is Montgomery Brewster, minor league baseball pitcher who earlier today inherited $30 million tax-free and is still celebrating.

Mr. Brewster, what are you going to do with all that money?

Uh, spend it! No, just kidding.

I'm forming a corporation tonight, and tomorrow morning we go into business.

What kind of business is that, Mr. Brewster?

What kind of business? As you know, my business is baseball.

But since I've inherited $30 million, I have to expand and branch out.

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for artists and, uh, painters, writers, inventors... And I'm gonna form this business.

And I want everybody to get a shot.

I don't care if you've been turned down a thousand times, I'm hiring!

How many people have you hired already, Mr. Brewster?

Uh, well, I think you should ask my senior vice president, uh, Spike Nolan!

Yeah. Spike. I'm paying him... Ha!

...$100,000 a month to figure that out.

100,000! Did you hear? 100,000 a month!

Chuck Fleming!

Hey, are we on the air now? Is this workin'? Yes. Right there.

Can I say something to all the people who thought I was a loser, Chuck?

Sure.

Thanks, Chuck! Hey, Monty! Monty!

That was Spike Nolan, he's the catcher for the Hackensack Bulls.

Mr. Brewster, I would love to accommodate you and your friends, but the top two floors have already been reserved.

They'll be occupied within the next two weeks.

How much are they paying? $100,000 a week.

Oh. Wow. Mister, uh...

Carter. Mr. Carter.

I like your hotel. My friends like your hotel.

You like this hotel? I like this hotel. I love it.

He loves it too.

Listen. I'll tell you what. For the next month, I'll pay you...

$1 million in cash.

Sign here, please.


Hey, Melvin. How are they hanging, my friend?

Hey, you look good. Real big league.

Nice, huh? They're in the bedroom.

Thanks for your help.

Monty! Hey, old Monty, old pal!

Hey, pal, get a load of this, huh? Get a load of...

What do you think? I found it all in one shop, from the shoes all the way up to this.

This was made for Johnny Bench.

He didn't pick it up, so they gave it to me.

A catcher's mask!

Oh, Monty, I can't thank you enough. It's, uh...

What do you think, huh? Hey!

They just made that for you? Yeah.

Wow. Honest? Too conservative for me.

Too... What are you talking... For me!

This is the new Spike Nolan here. I know, but this is great.

Well, great on you, but great is your accountant.

Very nice.

Yeah, she's nice, but she thinks I'm a lowlife.

I can understand that. Get out of here! What are you talkin' about?

Gentlemen, do you think I'm a lowlife?

Oh, no, Mr. Brewster.

Not with these clothes. See what I mean?

Ooh, and you listen to these people?

Hey, look at all the suits I got.

Now, look. I know that this is none of my business, but at the rate you're going, you'll have spent your entire inheritance in less than a month, and you'll have nothing to show for it.

Excuse me, sir. There's a Mr. Warren Cox here to see Miss Drake.

Mr. Cox? Warren! How you doing?

Monty Brewster. Pleased to meet you. Hello.

I've heard so much about you.

My God. I hear you're a swell fellow. We're drinking some champagne.

Hello, dear. Hi.

That's sweet. I'll get this. Is it raining out?

Not at the moment, but you never know.

Better safe than sorry. That's my philosophy too.

Uh, have a drink. Oh, thank you. No, I don't drink alcohol.

Uh-oh. We're going to be late for that benefit.

Benefit? Yes.

It's the Committee to Ban Contact Sports.

Studies have shown sanctioned violence has a detrimental effect on our young people, so I do a little legal work for the committee.

You guys ain't messin' around with baseball, are you?

Baseball? No, no. Boxing, football, ice hockey...

You know, the truly barbaric sports. Oh.

I'd like to make a small contribution, if I may.

You know, I think we're gonna be very late.

Darling, this is what the benefit is for, to raise money.

In a sense, we're at the benefit, right now.

And so am I. $100,000 okay?

$100,000? Thank you, very, very much.

Here, have a drink.

Thank you. I will.

Warren, you don't even drink.

Well, one little sip won't hurt, dear. That's right.

Mmm.

This is a really wonderful suite you have, Mr. Brewster.

I'm glad you like it. Yes. Oh, look at that.

Two Louis XVI chairs with a good tapestry fabric.

That's a nice attempt at a classic French piano.

Marie Therese chandelier...

Yeah, I see what your decorator was trying to do here.

There's a definite continuity to all the elements in the room.

Personally, I'd of done a few things differently, but...

Mr. Cox, you know so much about this stuff. Well...

My ex-wife Marilyn's a decorator, and a lot of it rubbed off on me.

You know, you could really help me out. How's that?

Well I'd like for you to redecorate my offices.

I'd pay you, of course. Uh, $250,000?

I don't know what to say. Say yes.

Mr. Brewster, I'm a lawyer.

I'm sure New York is full of decorators who would die for that kind of opportunity.

Really, this is so out of left field, to use a metaphor from your profession.

If you think the job's too big for you to handle, just say no.

No.

I mean, I'm not saying no. Not at all. I'm not saying that.

Warren, you're a lawyer. You are not a decorator!

There's nothing wrong with being a decorator.

Marilyn makes a rather good living at it.

That's it! Marilyn, she could help you. What?

I'd pay her $100,000, if that's not an insult.

Well, I'd have to ask her, but, uh, I think she'd be delighted.

I mean, you were telling me how you never get to see your fiance.

This way, you get to see him every day.

Just trying to be helpful. Mmm-hmm.

And what about your job at the firm and our honeymoon?

Well, it would only be for a couple of weeks. Couple of weeks.

We've got a whole lifetime for our honeymoon.

A whole lifetime.

It's been a pleasure meeting you. Monty? Warren.

Angela wanted me to phone up from the lobby, but, no, I thought would come up here and meet you, mano-a-mano.

I'm glad I did. Warren, me too.

Let's go, Warren. You're leaving? Oh, goodness, no.

Hey, wait a minute!

Better safe than sorry. Good night, Mr. Brewster.

Hey, call me Monty. Warren does.

Hey, let me get the door.

Thank you. Yes. I will. And you drive careful.

Good night. Nice meeting you. Good night.

Nice meeting you.

Now that was a real asshole!

You want a month off to be Mr. Brewster's interior decorator?

I, uh, realize that it's a rather unorthodox request, but it's an incredible opportunity.

He actually wants me to start working for him this morning in, uh, about 20 minutes.

How much is he paying you?

A quarter of million dollars, sir.

Yes, we understand that kind of opportunity.

I think a leave of absence can be arranged.

As I'm sure you know, Mr. Horn was our most important client.

And the firm is naturally concerned with how Mr. Brewster conducts himself with his inheritance.

If you're in his employ, it could make it easier for us if you could act as our eyes and ears.

Absolutely. No problem.

My first loyalty would always be to the firm.

Hmm. Hmm. Keep us posted.

Oh, and don't mention this conversation to Miss Drake or anyone else.

Oh, of course not. No.

And thank you.

Thank you both very much.

Good morning, Melvin. Good morning, Mr. Brewster.

Here's the money. You think I'm crazy? Crazy?

Of course not. Let's go do business.

Hi, Monty. Big day ahead, pal. Okay. Great.

Let's do some business, and kick some butt around here!

All right. Let's kick some butt around here! What?

What? Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you?

Who the hell am I? I'm Morty King, king of the mimics, that's who!

Anything you say I guarantee it'll be repeated.

I'm like an X-Erox machine.

No, Warren. Hold it more to the left. Your left or my left?

Oh, look, there's Warren. That must be Marilyn. Hey!

You just watch your mouth. You just watch your mouth.

Don't you remember anything I ever taught you?

It's my left. It's always my left.

It's the decorator's left.

Hey. Watch out!

Oh, Warren! Oh, are you okay?

Oh. Ah. Oh, God. Be careful.

Hi. I'm Monty Brewster. Monty Brewster?

How do you do? I've heard so much about you.

Please, may I call you Monty?

Of course. Of course.

Oh, Monty, I have the most wonderful idea for you.

I am going to do for you a postmodern fantasy in here.

Oh, I knew this was a terrible idea. What are you saying?

You don't like the postmodern fantasy look?

Shut your eyes, and see Mesopotamia... Mesopotamia.

Meeting Busby Berkeley. Yes, that sounds...

Yes. It's a knockout. It's a knockout.

We're gonna knock out the walls too.

Every one. Everywhere. Every one. Everywhere.

Spare no expense. Spare no expense.

Will you shut up?

It's only for a month, darling.

And it's going to be a very long month.

Get... Get four sets. Get... Get four sets.

Wonderful. Fine. Fine.

Oh, Angela. Angela. Please, I need to speak to you. Please.

Angela, did Warren tell you that I have decided, as my wedding gift to you two, I am going to decorate your apartment for free.

That's great, Marilyn.

Thank you. Pas de quoi.

Mr. Brewster, I'm a real good manicurist.

Spike, You know what I'd like you to do?

What's that? Choke this guy.

My pleasure.

Come on, asshole!

I'll give you a line on anything.

Baseball, basketball, football, the ponies.

Whatever you want!

Come on with me.

I gotta stop here at my desk and get my messages.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Please, sir.

I'd like to call your attention to this area right here.

This is the Arabian desert. It is a dry as a bone.

It's a place where a glass of ice water can cost $5.00 a glass, sir.

Now, up here. This is the North Pole. It's an ice floe, and throughout this region of the North Atlantic are many icebergs, sir.

And nobody owns them. They're PDIs. Public Domain Icebergs.

I think you're beginning to recognize how simple and pure this idea is.

Now, what I would like to do is go the North Pole, select a good-sized iceberg, and simply dig out a chamber from the rear end of it, drop in two 20,000-horsepower marine diesel engines, and sail Brewstersberg number one to Mecca.

What do you think, sir?

I don't know what to think. Mr. Brewster, line three.

Hello. Yes. What? Mr. Brewster, it went up!

It went up? Well, sell it.

Don't sell it! You buy it when it's like that.

It's a great idea. What's your name?

Luther. Luther, listen.

I'd like to bet on every long shot in every race, 50-to-1 and over this week at Aqueduct.

For the week? Yeah, I can cover it.

Great. How much to get this off the ground? Oh, maybe...

Oh, no, no, no, no. This thing melts, and he knows it!

We would experience a loss of only 18% through evaporation and melting.

Hey. Think of what that means to all those thirsty Arab farmers! It's great!

What thirsty Arab farmers?

There aren't any! There just aren't any!

'Cause there's no farmers in the desert, Monty!

Well, I think that's unfair!

Loyola vs. Notre Dame in a field hockey game? This is fabulous.

You went to Loyola, didn't you?

You gotta be kidding!

Listen, I want to bet $50,000 that Loyola wins!

$50,000 on Loyola over Notre Dame and $5,000 on every 50-to-1 long shot for the week.

Sir, you are down! He's doin' it!

It's field hockey.

If I gave you a million dollars for this iceberg thing, would that be enough?

A million dollars. Yes. That would be great, sir.

Hello. Brewster.

Charley! How you doin', my man?

All right. That's great. I just bought an iceberg.

What? Wait till you see the uniforms I rented.

Not yet, he hasn't. Not yet.

And I rented our home stadium. What?

Yes, and I'm gonna spare no expense and fix it up and make it look like a big league stadium!

It's gonna be great because we're gonna play an exhibition game.

With the Yankees, three innings!

The Yankees?

And I'm pitching!

New York Yankees! What the hell's goin' on?

I gotta get these guys on the bus! Charley, don't take the bus.

Chuck Fleming, Action News. I'm here at Battery Park with Montgomery Brewster and entourage anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Hackensack Bulls, in New York City for the first time to tune up for an unprecedented challenge game with the famed New York Yankees.

Naturally, Monty Brewster intends to pitch.


Christ sakes, Brewster. You fly us all the way from Jersey, and then you get these choppers to fly us back here!

We took the bus, we would've been here two hours ago!

Tell my team, from now on we travel first class!

Hey, Charley, welcome to New York City!

You guys look great!

How do you like the new uniforms?

You gotta wait till you see the apartments I rented for you guys.

He rented apartments for these guys? Apartments?

Penthouses with swimming pools.

Twenty-seven players, everybody's got their own place.

We're gonna have a lot of fun, men, because we're gonna get in shape, and we're gonna beat the Yankees!

All right!

If you ask me, they oughta lock him up for his own good.

And what the hell does he think he's doin'?

The Yankees see this, they're really gonna rub it in.

Come on, Charley, relax!

Enjoy yourself!

Huh? Is that great?

I hope we haven't underestimated him. I beg your pardon?

Oh, you're doing fine, Warren.

This is precisely the kind of flagrant misuse of money that we want you to keep us apprised of.

Oh, he's wasting millions of dollars. Mmm.

You should see what he spent on the decorations alone.

Wait till you see the practice field.

It's great. I'm gonna have the bus take us over to the island.

The practice field's on Long Island?

Yeah. Brewster, the airport's on Long Island.

You flew us all the way in from the airport to here so we could take the bus back to Long Island?

I couldn't get the band on the runway. They wouldn't let me!

No matter how much money I offered them.

Oh, yeah. You can't play baseball without a band.

Right. Come on. Let's get on the bus.

One-two, one-two, one-two.

Come on! Come on! Move it! Move it!

Beautiful, Benny! Tinkers to Evers to shit!

Pick it up! The white ball. That's it!

Hey! Come on! Jesus, I don't know what's the matter with those guys.

We play better than this. Honest we do.

Maybe they're tight right now. Maybe they're tired.

Maybe it was that long flight you chartered from Newark.

I'm gonna go warm up, Miss Drake.

Why don't you try the same?

Hey, come on! Look good out there!

Let's do a 6-4-3. Pepper it up!

Hey, Collins, you got trouble with your glove, try catching it with your ass!

Hi, operator? Mr. Brewster's suite, please.

Aw, God...

Time.

What? Hi, Brewster. This is Angela.

Angela who? Angela Drake.

Miss Drake. Um, I was wondering.

Could I come up there and talk to you for a minute?

Talk to me? Now? Mmm-hmm.

Uh, perhaps in the morning. Oh, no. Monty?

This is very important, and I need to see you now.

Can't you tell me over the phone? No, because, look.

This is something that could do both of us a world of good, if you know what I mean.

Have you been drinking? No, not at all.

And you want to come up to my room, now? Mmm-hmm.

Miss Drake? Uh-huh?

Angela. Yes.

Give me five minutes. Okay.

That was Miss Drake. She says there's a mad bomber in the building.

They're getting all the people out of the hotel.

Listen, get your wrap. You go away, and you could come back tomorrow.

We can start all over.

Well, did he fall for it?

Yes, he fell for it. What do you look so unhappy for?

We're doing it for his own good.

Come on!

Adieu.

Been expecting you. The door's open.

Come in, the door's open.

Angela, hello.

Hello, Angela. Just be cool.

Hi, Spike. Hi.

She's really a very nice girl. You should get to know...

Hi. Hi, Spike.

The door's open. Come in.

Hi, Eugene Provost, financial advisor.

Pleasure to meet you. Who in hell is this?

He's a big league money man. Money?

Look, for the past five years, this guy's predicted 88%.

88% of what this guy says makes money!

88.4% to be exact, but who's counting?

I'm so confident of my ability to make you money, I will only take 15% of your profits after taxes.

In other words, I only get paid if you profit from my advice.

Then you're hired. $100,000 a week plus 15%.

Monty, the man doesn't want the $100,000.

Well, the man's gonna have to take $100,000, because that's what the job pays. $100,000 a week, plus 15%.

What do you say?

I'll make an exception in your case, Mr. Brewster.

Good! Sure. Join the club.

Hey, 9:15. It's way past your bedtime, Miss Drake.

You'll never know, Mr. Brewster.

Be sure to get home before the sun comes up. You know what I mean?

Good night, gentlemen.

Come on. Settle down, will ya? You'll throw your arm out.

God damn it. She's gonna be real mad when she finds out what's goin' on.

Will you forget about Angela?

She's a bad investment.

Now, Eugene has helped me out with my investments.

You know, precious metals, rare coins, some old stamps, stuff like that.

He says it's a ledge against inflation. Stamps.

Thank you. I'm just in time. Do you sell stamps?

I think that you want the stationery store across the street.

The stamps we have here are very rare, very expensive.

How expensive?

Well, let me show you, Mr., uh... Montgomery Brewster.

Montgomery Brewster! I have been reading about you in the newspaper.

I'd like to see your most expensive stamp.

Ah! One moment.

This may be the first intelligent thing he's done with his money since he got it.

Maybe he's comin' to his senses, you know?

What do you think? Hey, I'm gettin' paid to take pictures.

My job is not to interpret reality.

You're a real jerk, you know that? Ain't that the truth.

Hey, tell it to my accountant.

As you can see, the airplane was accidentally printed upside-down.

Of the 100 of these stamps originally printed, this is the only known copy in existence.

Baron Levitsky recently offered $850,000 for it, and I laughed in his face.

I'd say the stamp he bought is a considerable asset.

He doesn't even understand the rules yet. Let's see him get out of this one.

Good morning, Mr. Granville. Good morning.

Here's the mail.

Thank you.

Is there anything else I can do for you, sir? Hold on for a minute.

I may want to send you to the files.

Norris.

Hmm?

Hackensack Bulls.

"Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.

"Best wishes, Monty Brewster."

God! It isn't an asset anymore. He's mailed it!

Get Cox over here.

Right away, sir.

The son of a bitch.

So, in strictest confidence, you can see how vital it is to the firm that Brewster does not succeed in spending that $30 million, Warren.

He's made a fool of you and of your ex-wife.

We think he has designs on your fiance as well.

A small error in bookkeeping discovered at the last moment ought to do the trick.

Say, a $20,000 mistake in Brewster's favor.

It'll be our little insurance policy.

And the $300 million will go to the firm. Granville, Baxter and Cox.

Welcome aboard, Warren.

The big story on Wall Street today is that Icebergs International has been bought out by Wometco Petroleum in order to secure tax benefits within the Common Market.

The buy-out will enable the parent company to free up...

Is he a genius, or is he a genius?

Can't understand it, Mr. Brewster?

The stock, which was valued at 1.5, now has a par value of over $9.00 a share.

In other news...

I want to sell my stock in the iceberg!

Sell? Oh, no. Yeah!

That doesn't seem like a smart thing...

Uh, Mr. Brewster... What?

You see, the parent company, Wometco, is one of the strongest organizations in the world petroleum market.

And they've been consistently good performers in profits and dividends.

You don't want to sell, Mr. Brewster. You've got a lot of obligations.

You got a huge payroll to meet, you got overhead, retirement plans.

You don't want to lay anyone off, do ya?

No, I don't want to lay anyone off.

Count it. It's all there. Nothing but long shots, huh?

Well, you just won yourself a cool million-five, wise guy.

The word is out on you. I had to lay these bets off all over town.

You don't make another bet in this city again, ever!

I just... Loyola 18, Notre Dame, zilch.

Thanks a lot, baby.

This is unreported income, gained from an illegal venture, Mr. Brewster.

I would recommend you immediately dispatch a courier to Switzerland and deposit this money in a secret numbered account.

I don't want it! I'm gonna give it to charity!

What's your favorite charity? Oh, I don't know.

There are so many worthwhile charities. So many worthwhile charities!

Good. Divide it up amongst the many charities, and give it to them.

And everybody go back to work, because this is a business.

And we're in the business of being in business, and we're doin' business.

And nobody's business. Do it. Business. Good.

I want business done. That's the way it should be.

When you do business...

That was so wonderful, what you just did in there.

Look, I know you think I'm always complaining, but it's not that.

It's just that I can't stand seeing these people take advantage of you anymore.

Miss Drake, I'm very sorry. And I appreciate what you're trying to do.

But you don't know what I'm trying to do. What are you trying to do?

What I'm trying to do... Oh, Monty?

Could you step in here for a moment, please?

Of course, Marilyn. Good afternoon, Angela.

Hello, Marilyn. Well, Monty...

What do you think of our postmodern fantasy?

Well, darling, Marilyn's really outdone herself this time, don't you think?

Oh, Warren. It's good!

It is very good, Marilyn. But it's not great.

You see, Marilyn, I want you to reach deep down inside yourself this time, and come up with something specifically unique.

I want to walk in this room and say to myself, "Monty, I want to die in this room."

I want to die in this room, Marilyn.

And double the workmen's salary.

I mean, they look exhausted.

Help out! Come on! It's a business!

Angela, I'm not going to be able to make dinner, darling.

There's just too much to be done around here.

Whatever you say, Warren.

A room you want to die in.

What? What? What were you trying to tell me before?

Miss Drake, I don't know how to explain this to you, but...

Even though I'm not the person that you thought I was, I'm not the person that you think I am now, either.

Yes, but I don't understand why when you make money you get so miserable, then when you lose it, you act so happy.

Uh, that's because I can't get used to being rich.

But you could do great things with all that money. You mustn't squander it.

Squander it? What are you talking about? I'm making millions.

We didn't get off to a very good start.

And I thought we'd take a little ride and get to know each other.

You'll find out I'm not such a bad guy, after all.

Miss Drake, your chariot awaits!

Oh, no, Mr. Brewster. I can't accept this.

This is a $125,000 car.

Eugene said I needed a tax write-off.

Can't we just take a ride without having an argument?

I promise not to spend any money, except on you for lunch.

All right, but just to eat lunch, and then that's it.

So where shall we go? You're driving.

Oh, I know this nice little restaurant near the place I grew up.

Now, it's not fancy, but...

What the... Are you all right? I think so.

You sure? Yeah.

I'm terribly sorry.

The parking attendant left my car in first.

And when I turned on the ignition, it shot forward.

Are you all right?

Yes. Fine, fine, but you look hurt.

Honestly, I'm fine.

Look, look, here's my driver's license.

Great! Great! Don't be ridiculous. Put that away.

You're in a state of shock. Emotional trauma.

What are you talking about?

Brain damage.

He's got brain damage and doesn't even know it.

Hey, George! Get an ambulance!

Are you all right, Mr. Brewster?

Brewster? Montgomery Brewster?

Yes, that's me. See?

I really don't feel very good. I'm starting to lose feeling in my legs.

Oh, stop it! Can't you see this man is faking?

Faking? I can't have this on my conscience.

This man's going to be paralyzed for life.

Dear sir, do you think you could settle this out of court for a couple of hundred thousand dollars?

Two ex-wives.

Two ex-wives?

300,000?

You go to the doctor's right away, okay?

Uh-huh.

And you're giving him this for a prescription, and you'll be all right.

Thank you.

Have a good day!

Get a cold compress for that thing on your head, and a large bottle of Aspirin!

Nice man.

See, the check will be a receipt.

Well, I'm starving. I'm ready to go to lunch now.

I wanna meet your family.

Meet my family? Yeah.

What do you wanna do? Buy 'em?

I would be ashamed to introduce my family to somebody like you!

Angela! Wait. Listen to me.

Angela! Will you wait a minute?

I did the best I could. That wasn't that man's fault.

Yes, I know it wasn't.

But the first time you get some money, what do you do?

You spend it and show off. You just gave away $300,000!

Oh, my God.

Oh, look at that. Yeah.

Oh, is that awful.

I don't believe it. Oh, how tasteless.

Boy, that girl is ungrateful, considering all the things you've done to try to improve her.

I just think this is unforgivable.

Thank you.

I realize you're not very interested in what Marilyn and I are doing, but we have a real shot at getting our work into AD next month.

AD?

Architectural Digest.

That's really wonderful. I'm very happy for you and Marilyn.

Are you all right?

Look, Warren, I'm not very happy with this whole situation.

You could have fooled me.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you and Monty seem to be getting along awfully well.

And give everybody else in here whatever they're drinking.

It doesn't matter. Champagne, anything, as long as I'm here.

Yes, sir, Mr. Brewster.

Drinks on the house! Courtesy of Mr. Brewster.

Well, Monty Brewster's extravagance knows no bounds.

After paying the highest-recorded price ever for a stamp, Brewster today shelled out a record $600,000 for five cases of 114-year-old French wine.

He stunned the crowd here at Weatherby's auction house by not only paying in cash for the wine, but by opening all 60 bottles at a reception for the public afterwards.

At $10,000 a bottle, that is gotta be the most expensive hangover this reporter's ever heard of.

Chuck Fleming. Action News.

Angela? What?

I asked if your feelings had changed.

Look, how can I make it any clearer for you?

Can you please pay for the drinks and let's get out of here?

We don't have to pay for the drinks. They're on Monty.

Brewster? Yes?

Looks like you've got a busy evening ahead of you.

Yeah, I'm too busy to have fun.

I got to spend money, right?

I must say, mailing that stamp was quite ingenious.

You liked that? How about the wine auction?

Again, very imaginative.

I understand it cost $600,000, according to Miss Drake.

There she goes again, as usual.

I am sick and tired of acting like a rich asshole for everybody.

I'm fed up.

Maybe I should've took Uncle Rupert's wimp clause.

I don't think I'm gonna pull this off, do you?

I don't know, Mr. Brewster.

But that baseball game you're planning sounds like a step in the right direction.

My left leg. See? I planted it down wrong. I was off-balance.

Ooh! Go ahead, Monty. Now that's the Monty I know.

That's it. Hi, Monty.

How's it going, buddy?

Tell him the good news, Eugene.

No, you tell him. It was your idea.

All right, I got some good news and some bad news for you.

Well, tell him the bad news first. All right, all right.

Here's the bad news. I did exactly what you wanted me to do.

I got rid of all your iceberg stocks.

That's great. That's the bad news.

You ready for the good news? Yeah.

Okay, here it comes. I took Eugene's advice, all right?

Admittedly, without you knowing, I used the corporate name. I hope you don't mind.

No, no. I made some investments for you.

That's okay. What did I buy?

I bought a commodity thing and I bought an oil well thing.

He just made you $10 million.

$10 million!

Isn't that wonderful?

$10 million, $10 million, $10 million!

No! Damn it!

I'm right back where I started, damn it!

Jesus.

$10 million. $10 million.

What's the matter, Monty? I mean...

I make the guy $10 million and he acts like it's a funeral.

It's American money, you know.

Congratulations.

About that furniture you wanted Marilyn and me to rent, I'm afraid the company's requiring a substantial cash deposit. $20,000.

$20,000. Hey, don't forget.

To give Angela the receipt? I know.

Have to keep those books straight, don't we, darling?

Yeah.

So long.

I'd like to be alone. By myself.

Sure. There's no problem there, Monty.

You know, you're probably getting psyched up for the Yankee game.

That's what he always does this, you know.

He gets a little cranky like this.

It's only 'cause he's getting psyched up for a big game.

You know, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

This time we'll just leave him alone.

I don't get it.

Yeah, what the hell is with him?

I think we should consider the possibility of psychiatric help.

What are you? Nuts?

Okay.

With less than two weeks remaining until the election, this station is sorry to report that it finds itself unable to endorse either of the candidates for mayor of New York.

Both Mr. Heller and Mr. Salvino have been pumping scandalous amounts of money into slick advertising campaigns that so far have demonstrated little more than their ability to slander each other and squander campaign contributions.

In the view of this station, the only issue being raised by the Heller-Salvino debate is whether the city of New York is for sale, and just how much slush money it will take to buy it.

Running for political office is extremely expensive, unless you win.

And it's unheard of to do it with your own money.

Yeah. What does he know about politics?

That is not the point.

He's trying to do some good with his money.

Look, I've finally figured this whole thing out.

That's why he gets so upset when he makes a profit.

'Cause it makes him feel guilty.

He's trying to do the right thing for once in his life.

Mr. Brewster!

Mr. Brewster!

Mr. Brewster! Mr. Brewster!

Could you please give us your reasons for your sudden and unexpected candidacy?

I figure voting for Salvino or Heller is just as silly as them running for office.

Which is just as silly as me running for office.

The only thing not silly is the power of the people's vote.

And I think the people should use it to vote for none of the above.

Mr. Brewster, are we to understand that you actually don't want anyone to vote for you?

What I'm saying is I think only an idiot would vote for me.

Mr. Brewster, have you taken positions on any of the issues facing the city?

Sanitation, union corruption, urban renewal...

Let's get to the bottom line, right?

I'm here to buy your votes.

With only 10 days, Mr. Brewster, with only 10 days left before the election, how do you expect to find that kind of support for that position?

I don't expect to get support.

In fact, I'm asking people not to send money in to my candidacy.

I think the people should keep their money. They're gonna need it after this election.


Monty Brewster. That's me, right?

And tonight, I'm here to talk to you about "None of the above".

You know how it is around election time and you decide not to vote because the two candidates are so repulsive.

Repulsive's not the word. We're all full of shit.

I didn't think you were supposed to use that kind of language on television.

Maybe he's just trying to get his point across.

I never wear a suit and a tie. Never.

I mean, these are just things that politicians use to trick you into thinking that they're respectable.

Well... To the politician, huh?

He bought prime time on every station?

Worse than that, he's on network.

He's running spots in all 52 states just in case any New Yorkers are on vacation.

Write in "None of the above" on your ballot.

Don't vote for any of us. We're assholes.

We'll only make things worse.

Let's drink to it.


I wanna thank you for coming out today to see to it that neither my opponents nor me win the election.

I wanna ask the question.

Who's buying the booze?

You are!

Who's buying the food?

You are!

And who's tryin' to buy your vote?

You are!

And who you're gonna vote for?

None of the above!

Say it again!

None of the above!

Let me hear it one more time!

None of the above!

Brewster! Brewster!


Well, you can call it outrageous.

You can call it a breath of fresh air.

But what you can no longer call it is a joke campaign.

The eccentric multimillionaire Montgomery Brewster is electrifying crowds and is starting to show up in the polls.

All this reporter can say is I hate to see what he could do if he was serious.


So, what do you wanna talk about?

What do I wanna talk about?

Your people called my people.

Bullshit. Your people made the first move.

What's the difference? We both got the same problem.

Brewster. Yeah, no kiddin'.

You heard what he said about us in a speech yesterday.

Here, I'll quote it for you.

"Heller and Salvino are both just a couple of overgrown wharf rats.

"Why else would anybody spend $10 million to get a $60,000-a-year job

"unless he planned to steal it back with interest?"

You and I are gonna sue him for every cent he's got.

That's very good, Heller. Very good.


I called 'em a couple of overgrown wharf rats and I had to pay 'em $4 million for the emotional damage it did.

You don't have to take to these guys, Monty.

What do you think of your opponents now, Mr. Brewster?

I think they're slime. You can quote me on that.

Don't quote him on that, please.

He didn't mean anything by that.

Any prediction on the game this afternoon?

I'm takin' that game more serious than I am this election, I can tell you that.

Can we take anything you say seriously, Mr. Brewster?

It's like that old saying, "If bullshit were money, I'd be a millionaire."

Well, I'm a millionaire.

He didn't mean that. You can't quote him on that.

Don't you dare quote him on that.

Oh, God, you must be so nervous about this game today.

You put everything into it.

Not everything, but a lot.

This is my big day. I'm pitching against the New York Yankees.

I can get any team out for three innings. Any team.

Good afternoon, sports fans.

And the New York Yankee Baseball Network is on the air.

We've got a special edition of Yankee baseball, a special three-inning exhibition game between the New York Yankees and are you ready for this?

The Hackensack Bulls.

I know they're the New York Yankees.

You know how many years I sat around listening to you guys complaining about you never get your shot?

Well, today we get our shot.

There's gonna be sports writers out there.

Newscasters, TV, radio.

Johnson, you're 26 years old, right?

You got a great glove. Perfect swing.

But if you don't show your stuff out there today, nobody's ever gonna know it, man.

Hey, you guys! Let's go out there and kick a little ass!

And the Hackensack Bulls take the playing field!

That was a great speech you made, Brewster.

I know you got something to prove, but please don't try to show these guys up.

Let's go, Brew!

Monty looks so tiny out there.

Those Yankees look so big. Can he get hurt?

Nah. This ain't football.

All they're gonna do is just take into his fast balls and dent some cars out in the parkin' lot.

I better move my limousine.

No votes for Brewster!

None of the above!

Hear this crowd go crazy.

That's for Montgomery Brewster.

That financial-world wizard who came on the scene not long ago and continues to thrill and delight the fans of this stadium.

None of the above! None of the above!

All right! Let's play ball.

Hackensack Bulls, huh?

That's the name.

Robby digs in and we're under way.

Monty Brewster peers in at his sign and kicks in the first pitch.

Change-up?

No, that was his fastball.

Breaking ball, I guess you'd have to call that his change-up, eh, Biff?

Swing on, it's a hotshot.

Out!

You are out.

Mr. Rough-and-Ready, Ken Dixon stepping in for the Yanks. Biff?

Dixon's reputation as a tough competitor is almost legendary, Vinnie.

Hey, Ken Dixon, man.

It's a pleasure to be on the same field with you, Mr. Dixon.

I admire your work. You're a great hitter.

That pitcher of yours thinks he's cute, don't he?

He sure does.

Hey, you had a great season this year, Mr. Dixon.

I saw that game in Boston...

What, back in June, was it?

Saw that game? Yeah, I saw that game.

Oh, I tell you. Great game. Two home runs.

A triple. Six RBIs.

I can't believe you didn't make the all-star team.

I can't believe it either.

Two! That was a foul ball.

Come on, Monty. Keep it in there. Keep it in there.

Hey, Dixon, I saw your wife on television, too.

Yeah? Yeah, she sure is an ugly bitch.

Hey... Strike three, you're out!

You shut up! Get outta here!

I don't care!

Get outta here.

Get outta here.

You shut up. What did I say?

What happened, man? What did he say?

He called my wife an ugly bitch. Oh, come on.

You're a total snack bar!

I'm a snack bar? You're an asshole. Come back here.

It's a very heated exchange.

It looks like this game may have some real spirit after all, Biff.

It's all right. All right, all right, come on.

One word out of you, fat boy, and you eat your mask.

You ain't gonna talk to me the way you did Dixon.

Hey, can I help it if a guy can't take a joke?

Besides, have you ever seen his wife?

Yeah. Ugly bitch!

There's a long drive to deep centerfield.

Back, back, way back.

But Mike Scharf, with a brilliant leaping catch...

Exclusively yours on the Yankee Baseball Network.

Uh-huh?

Warren Cox. I believe you're expecting me.

Oh, yeah, right. The refund.

Yes. It's $20,000. That's the receipt.

Yeah, I'm glad to get rid of it.

Don't like having that kind of money around here, if you know what I mean.

Didn't make the boss too happy though.

He got all bent out of shape when he found out Mr. Brewster didn't like the furniture he got.

Oh, yes, it's a pity, but he has no taste.

Oh, by the way, how's the big game coming?

Bulls are ahead one-zip.

Top of the third, but they're really starting to hit 'em.

Right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Scharf is walking back, back, and way back.

Ken Dixon driving one out of here, a grand-slam home run and the Yankees lead it four to one.

Listen to that scattered applause here in Hackensack.

Sounds more like a death knell.

That is true Yankee baseball there, my friend.

And New York Yankee power has burst a balloon over Hackensack, New Jersey.

Wouldn't you know that the Bronx Bombers would be the bad guys?

Oh, my!

Gotta take you out, kid.

He just got lucky, that's all, Monty.

Hey, you did good, Brewster. Real good.

I'm proud of you and all the guys.

Hey, what the hell, this is the New York Yankees!


Play ball!


That was a valiant effort.

Your Uncle Rupert would've been proud of you.

I thought my Uncle Rupert didn't like losers.

Mr. Brewster, I don't think you're a loser.

If it's the money you're worried about, don't.

I only have $38,000 left.

I could spend that tonight in my sleep.

Yes, but unfortunately it looks like you could win this election.

The job carries a $60,000 annual salary which I regret to say would be considered an asset by the terms of the will.

Okay, here are the final totals.

For the Yankees to win it, four runs on four hits...

Wait a minute. We might have somethin' goin' on here.

It looks like Brewster's gonna address this crowd of folks.

Kill the commercial, fellas. We're gonna stay right here.

I'd like to take my hat off to the Yankees.

Anybody can inherit millions of dollars and buy hisself an election.

But it takes a real athlete to be a professional baseball player.

And that's what all these gentlemen here are today.

Real professionals.

See, the election was supposed to be a joke.

I didn't expect anybody to vote for me.

I didn't think anybody would take me serious.

I thought "None of the above" was a pretty good idea.

I don't wanna be mayor. I never did.

How about that, Biff?

Monty Brewster is withdrawing from the election.

It's not all downhill. I mean, I still got...

$38,000 left.

I'm gonna throw a party tonight back at the hotel in New York and you're all invited.


Hi.

I thought I'd find you here.

Listen, since Warren's not around, I thought maybe I could escort you to the party.

Monty, I'm real sorry about you retiring from baseball.

I know how much it meant to you.

That's all right. I mean, it happens to everyone sooner or later.

It's the nature of the game.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think there's anything left here for me to add up, so I guess this is goodbye.

Goodbye? Don't you wanna go to the party?

Oh, no. I couldn't stand another one.

If you wanna know the truth, I don't see what you could possibly be celebrating unless you think it's okay to squander $30 million.

I don't. I just think maybe it was a phase I was going through.

Listen, tomorrow things will be different.

I won't be like this anymore.

Come tomorrow, you are dead broke. It's all over.

You don't even have a job playing baseball anymore, and what do you do?

You throw a party with your last 38,000!

Listen to me, I pissed off so much money, I figured, "What difference does $38,000 make?"

Oh, how dare you?

That's more money than a lot of hardworking people earn in a year.

You better get your values together 'cause you're gonna need 'em.

Why don't wait until tomorrow, and then you'll know what this is all about.

Just forget it, okay?

And I hope you have fun at that party, 'cause that's all you got left.

I love you.


Mr. Donaldo, we're accepting contributions for Mr. Brewster since he's currently insolvent.

Yeah, Donaldo, Put some money in here now.

I didn't bring my wallet, guys.

I thought this was a free party.

I see. Too bad.

What do you do with your money, put it in tin cans?

You got it, big boy. This gravy train ain't gonna run forever.

Oh, what's this?

Well, thank you very much. This is generous of you. Very generous.

I'm gonna put you on my Christmas card list.

How about a glass of champagne, Mr. Brewster?

How about a bottle of champagne?

As you wish.

I'm gonna get drunk.

Monty!

Monty, good news, pal. Good news.

Mr. Brewster, I want you to know I think you're a hell of a nice man, and we took up a collection for you.

I mean, you've paid us all so much money, we feel bad now that you're broke, so would you take this money, please?

I really appreciate this, you know, but you know me.

I'll just spend it. I can't take it.

Brother, would you take the money, please?

I can't. Take the money.

No.

I know. You don't want charity.

Forget the charity. Forget that.

I was gonna save this for a rainy day.

I'll tell ya now, I'll tell ya now, it's raining.

Look, with the exception of a few nice suits that I bought, I saved almost every penny you gave me.

Now, I got an idea. And here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna buy a Corvette, we're gonna drive across country, go to say, the Rocky Mountains.

We'll buy a cabin there, we'll go fishing every day, we'll fly in women every other day.

Spike, you're beautiful, man. You... You are.

But you don't know. See, tomorrow...

Yeah?

Almost let the cat out of the bag.

I almost let the cat out of the bag, Uncle Rupert.

What are you talkin' about?

See, I can't tell my closest friend, 'cause my Uncle Rupert's a son of a bitch.

Why? What are you saying?

Uh...

Hey, it's supposed to be a party.

It's a party!

How come everybody ain't dancing and having a good time?

I mean, what? Somebody die?

I gotta get full value for my money.

Hey, you heard him. He said he doesn't want it.

Did you really spend all that money?

Nice friend I turned out to be.

You give me all that money for what?

So I could play catch with you?

Spike, you don't understand.

Nobody understands.

I don't even understand anymore.

And I am sick of money.

I'm gonna take this and I'm gonna get tore up.

Give me a few bottles of what he's drinking, all right?


It's after 3:00, Mr. Brewster.

Checkout time?

I'm afraid you'll have to leave now.

Like I always said, Mr. Carter.

You're a real nice man.

I believe everything you're wearing belongs to us, Mr. Brewster.

I almost forgot.

Just the clothes on my back. That's what they said.

Piss off $30 million. Makes a lot of sense, Uncle Rupert.

You asshole.

I'm gonna recommend your shop to all my friends.

You lease some great clothes.

All of 'em.

Keep this, too.


Monty?

Well, hello. I hardly recognized you.

It's ready, sir. What do you think?

Do you like it?

Marilyn, this is the room I could die in.

Oh, thank God.

I'm so glad.

Okay, boys.

Take it all back.

I wish you had the dough to keep it, Monty.

Taxicab, Mr. Brewster?

George, I can't afford it now. I'm outta money.

You'll never guess who I voted for this morning.

None of the above.

That's good.

That's real good.

This is Chuck Fleming in Times Square.

Well, that newsflash tells it all.

To add to the confusion of today's events, former candidate Montgomery Brewster who withdrew from the campaign only yesterday, and apparently now dead broke, checked out of his luxury hotel a few hours ago wearing the same baseball jersey and cap he had on 30 days ago.

Where is he now? Nobody seems to know.

We followed his rollercoaster ride of success and failure for the last 30 days, and now it would seem to be over.

But those of you following the election results know that that's not so.

Well, if you're out there, Monty, turn on a radio or a TV set or pick up a newspaper.

I think you might be proud of what's happened in this city today.

Chuck Fleming, Action News.

Oh, Monty. Just the man I wanted to see.

I've got wonderful news for you, Monty.

I'm not in the mood No, wonderful, wonderful news.

Do you remember... No, I'm not in the mood.

Do you remember the $20,000 that you gave me as a deposit on the furniture?

Well, here it is. You're not broke after all.

Isn't that fortunate?

Three minutes.

I'm sorry to say this, Roundfield, but our records indicate Brewster still has a substantial amount of money.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

I can't believe it! I quit!

I guess I didn't do so good. I still got $20,000 left.

Look, I know I lost and everything, so I'll sign what you want me to sign and I'll get out of here.

Give him the quitclaim papers.

Use my pen.

Mr. Brewster, you still have two full minutes.

Two full minutes for what?

I blew it. I'm burned out.

Warren, what are you doing?

He's about to sign it all away.

What are you doing here?

I'm working late. Closing out Brewster's account.

Sign what away?

I guess I can let you in on it now.

In a few seconds I'm gonna be a full partner, just as soon as he signs that paper.

See, the reason that he blew the $30 million was so he could get his real inheritance of $300 million.

You mean, he had to spend all that money?

Why didn't he tell me?

It was a condition of his great-uncle's will.

He had to keep it a secret.

Well, if it's such a big secret, how come you know all about it?

I'm afraid that too is a secret.

Uh-uh. He did spend that money. I have all the receipts.

Maybe you're not as thorough as you think you are.

Remember the Dawson and Clark account?

Fine custom furniture and draperies?

No! Give me that!

Monty, stop! Don't sign anything!

Miss Drake! This is a private meeting.

Leave or you'll be fired.

Sign right here, son.

Warren cheated him. And these two put him up to it.

He purposely withheld the $20,000 deposit so that Monty would think he'd already spent it.

I forgot to give her the receipt, that's all.

It was a perfectly honest mistake.

Gentlemen, is there any truth to this accusation?

Totally preposterous. We're completely innocent.

You are fired, Miss Drake.

Ooh.

My lucky day, huh, Warren?

You're my pal, right?

You're a liar, Warren. You tricked me! Set me up!

No, no, not at all. That was just a coincidence.

Hey, you're a terrible liar, Warren, and an awful decorator.

Well, it's better than being a couple of rabbits.

What are you insinuating?

You're a big girl. You figure it out.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, sister. Take it easy.

You're a lady. I want you to remain a lady.

Oh, that's excellent advice, Mr. Brewster, but a little late, don't you think?

Oh!

I'm glad you did that, Brewster, because...

Because I'm gonna sue you for so much money that you're gonna be in debt to me for the rest of your life.

How would you like to settle out of court right now for $20,000 in cash?

Oh, you think I came down with the last drop of rain?

I'm not falling for that trick. Uh-uh. No settlements.

I'm gonna take you to court, Brewster.

What are you gonna do about that?

When that clock strikes 12:00, you are dead broke for life.

You're a loser, Brewster. A real loser.

I'm gonna need an attorney, Miss Drake.

Will $20,000 be enough of a retainer?

But I'm just a paralegal. I don't have a degree.

You can get a degree with $20,000. It's just an advance.

You need a receipt!

I'll give you a receipt.

Please! Hurry, please.

As the executor of your great-uncle's will, I hereby declare that the full inheritance of $300 million is yours.

Wow! Congratulations.

Gentlemen, I sense conspiracy to defraud here.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to order a full investigation, with your consent, Mr. Brewster.

Well... Send 'em to the showers.

It'll take about 20 years to dry off where you're goin'.

Better take a big towel. Mr. Roundfield, you're a real nice man.

Thank you very much. You're a real nice man.

Uh, Warren, better learn the blues. You know...

Hey, baby, I'm sorry I did it I didn't mean to do it We lost the money...

I've been looking everywhere To find someone who's right Sugar man, just to talk to me Why don't you take me home tonight You were out there all this time All the time could have been this time How could I ever have been so blind I got to you in the nick of time

Situations call for drastic measures Looked like I was going for good Till I can start up a neighborhood I must admit it took my very best line

Got to you in the nick of time Got to you in the nick of time I got to you in the nick of time Got to you in the Oh, you saved me Yeah, you saved me In a bad situation You came along

Saved me Somebody saved me You saved me Somebody saved me I got to you

Got to you in the nick of time I did

Yeah, got to you Yeah, got to you in the nick of time Got to you in the nick of time Got to you in the nick of time

Got to you in the nick of time

Somebody saved me In the nick of time Somebody saved me In the nick of time Somebody saved me In the nick of time Got to you in the nick of time