Bridget Jones's Diary (2001) Script

[ Woman Narrating] It all began on New Year's Day... in my 32nd year of being single.

Once again I found myself on my own and going to my mother's... annual turkey curry buffet.

Every year she tries to fix me up... with some bushy-haired, middle-aged bore, and I feared this year would be no exception.

There you are, dumpling.

[ Woman Narrating] My mum, a strange creature... from a time when pickles on toothpicks was still the height of sophistication.

Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget.

Third drawer from the top, Una, under the minigherkins.

By the way, the Darcys are here.

They brought Mark with them.

[ Thinking ] Ah, here we go. You remember Mark.

You used to play in his paddling pool.

He's a barrister. Very well-off. No, I don't remember.

He's divorced, apparently.

His wife was Japanese. Very cruel race. Now, what are you going to put on?

This. Oh, don't be silly, Bridget.

You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz.

Now, run upstairs. Laid out something lovely on your bed.

[ Pam Sighs ]

[Andy Williams On Stereo] ♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my eyes off of you♪♪

[Bridget Narrating] Great. I was wearing a carpet.

Here she is.

My little Bridget.

Mmm. Hi, Uncle Geoffrey.

Hmm. Had a drink? No.

No? Come on, then. [Bridget Narrating] Actually, not my uncle.

Someone who insists I call him "Uncle" while he gropes my ass... and asks me the question dreaded by all singletons.

So, how's your love life?

Super. Thanks, Uncle G.

Still no fellow, then, eh? All right, then.

You career girls can't put it off forever, you know.

Ticktock, ticktock.

Hello, Dad. Hello, darling.

How's it going? Torture.

Mother's trying to fix you up with some divorcé.

[ Groans ]

Human rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast, apparently.

[Bridget Thinking] Ooh. Dingdong.

Maybe this time Mum had got it right.

Come on. Why don't we see if Mark fancies a gherkin.

Good luck.

Mark? - [Bridget Thinking] Maybe this was... the mysterious Mr. Right I'd been waiting my whole life to meet.

You remember Bridget.

[Bridget Thinking] Maybe not.

She used to run around your lawn with no clothes on, remember?

Uh, no, not as such.

Come and look at your gravy, Pam. I think it's going to need sieving.

Of course it doesn't need sieving. Just stir it, Una.

Uh... Yes, of course. I'll be right there.

Sorry. Lumpy gravy calls.

So. [ Chuckles ] So.

Are you staying at your parents' for New Year?

Yes. You? Hmm. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was in London at a party last night, so I'm afraid I'm a bit hung over.

Wish I could by lying with my head in a toilet like all normal people.

[Laughing]

New Year's resolution: Drink less.

Oh, and quit smoking. [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Yeah. Oh... [ Laughing ]

And keep New Year's resolutions.

Oh. And, uh, [ Laughing ]

Stop talking total nonsense to strangers.

In fact, stop talking full stop.

Yes, well, perhaps it's time to eat.

Mmm.

Apparently she lives just around the corner from you.

Mother, I do not need a blind date.

Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster... who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and dresses like her mother.

Yummy. Turkey curry.

My favorite.

[Bridget Narrating] And that was it. Right there.

Right there. That was the moment.

I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship... was with a bottle of wine, and I'd finally die fat and alone... and be found three weeks later half-eaten by wild dogs.

Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

[ Woman Singing] ♪ All by myself ♪

♪ Don't want to be ♪

♪ All by myself ♪

♪ Anymore ♪ You have no messages.

♪♪[Piano]

♪♪[Guitar]

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ I never needed anyone ♪

♪ And makin' love was just for fun ♪

♪ Those days are gone ♪

♪ All by myself ♪

♪ Don't want to be all by my self ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪♪

♪ All by myself ♪

♪ Don't want to live♪♪

[Bridget Narrating] And so I made a major decision.

I had to make sure that next year I wouldn't end up shit-faced... and listening to sad FM, easy listening for the over-thirties.

I decided to take control of my life and start a diary... to tell the truth about Bridget Jones.

The whole truth.

Resolution number one: Obviously we'll lose 20pounds. Oh.

Number two: Always put last night's pants in the laundry basket.

Equally important, will find nice, sensible boyfriend to go out with... and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following:

Alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, Peeping Toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts.

And especially will not fantasize about a particular person... who embodies all these things. [Elevator Bell Dings]

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ What you want ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Baby, I got ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ What you need ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ You know I got it ♪

♪ Ooh♪♪ Unfortunately, he just happens to be my boss, editor in chief Daniel Cleaver, and for various slightly unfair reasons relating to this year's Christmas party, I suspect he does not fantasize about me.

[Singing Off-Key] ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Can't live ♪

♪ Livin' is without you ♪

♪ I can't live ♪

♪ Can't give anymore♪♪

[Bridget Narrating] Or maybe I'm wrong.

[ Thinking ] Ah.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fitzherbert.

Happy New Year, Brenda. Mr. Fitzherbert. "Titspervert," more like.

Daniel's boss who stares freely at my breasts with no idea who I am or what I do.

Morning. I need that Kafka's Motorbike release by 11:00. [Bridget Narrating]Perpetua.

Ah. Slightly senior and therefore thinks she's in charge of me.

Most of the time I just want to staple things to her head.

[Beeping] Publicity.

All I asked...

I only asked if he wanted to come on a minibreak to Paris.

Daily call from Jude. Best friend.

Head of investment at Brightlings Bank... who spends most of her time trapped in the ladies' toilet... crying over her fuckwit boyfriend.

I'm too needy. Am I codependent?

No, you're not. It's not you.

You're lovely. It's vile Richard.

Ugh, he's just a big knobhead with no knob.

Is some people's opinion of Kafka, but they couldn't be more wrong.

This book is a searing vision of the wounds our century has inflicted... on traditional masculinity.

It's positively Vonnegutesque.

Thank you for calling, Professor Leavis.

Guest list for launch party. Ah.

F.R. Leavis?

Mm-hmm. Wow!

Wow. Wha... The F.R. Leavis who wrote Mass Civilization and Minority Culture?

Mm-hmm.

The F.R. Leavis who died in 1978?

Amazing.

[Bridget Narrating] Emergency summit with urban family... for coherent discussion of career crisis.

Fuck them. Fuck the lot of them.

Tell them they can stick fucking Leavis up their fucking arses.

Good, good. That's very useful.

[Bridget Narrating] Shazza, journalist. Likes to say fuck, or not.

Jude, what would you do if one of your assistants made... a harmless little mistake like that?

I'd fire you, Bridge. Excellent.

Is that Cleaver chap still as cute as ever? Oh, God, yes.

Then I think a well-timed blowjob is probably the best answer.

[Jude Groans] Oh, you love it.

Are you that chap that sang that song? Yes. Yes, I am.

[Bridget Narrating] Tom, '80s pop icon who only wrote one hit record... then retired because he found that one record was quite enough... to get him laid for the whole of the '90s.

Well, great song. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Total poof, of course. More vodka?

[ Together ] No! Yes! Fill her up, goddamn it!

At least now I'm in my thirties, I can hold my drink.

[Laughing] [ Gasps ]

Oops! Mind the step.

She's fine. Drive on. [ Laughing ]

Apparently F.R. Leavis is coming.

Afternoon, Bridget.

[Perpetua] What do you mean you're going on holiday?

[Perpetua] What about Julia?


[ Chuckles ]

[ Scoffs ]

We've got a problem with the Teddy Knows Best campaign.

The only problem is the kitchen.

Frankly, there isn't room to swing a cat.

[ Thinking ] Message Mr. Cleaver. Am appalled by message.

Skirt is demonstrably neither sick nor absent.

Appalled by management's blatantly size-ist attitude to skirt.

Suggest management sick, not skirt!

[Clicks Key]

Right. Yeah.

No, I understand that. I understand that perfectly.

[Bridget Narrating] Very bad start to the year.

Have been seduced by informality of messaging medium... into flirting with office scoundrel.

Will persevere with resolution to find a nice, sensible man.

Will put a stop to flirting first thing tomorrow. Good plan.

♪♪

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪ [Daniel] If walking past office... was attempt to demonstrate presence of skirt, can only say that it has failed parlously... Cleave.

[Bridget] Shut up, please. I am very busy and important.

P.S. How dare you sexually harass me in this impertinent manner.

[Daniel] Message Jones. Mortified to have caused offense.

Will avoid all non-P.C. overtones in future. Deeply apologetic.

P.S. Like your tits in that top.

♪ I'm thinking about the fireworks ♪

[ Bridget Thinking ] Mustn't read too much into it, though.

♪♪ [ Humming "The Wedding March" ]

And it all began, of course, with some very irresponsible E-mailing... over Bridget's nonexistent skirt.

- [Laughter] [Bell Dings]

♪ I'm only off to wander ♪ Daniel, the New York office for you.

Uh, yeah, tell 'em I'll get back to 'em.

♪ Once in a while♪♪

[Bell Dings]

[Bell Dings] Daniel.

Jones... Evening, Kenneth. Evening, Daniel.

[Bell Dings]

If you've got a moment, I'd like a word before you leave.

Yes, certainly. Yeah. [Bell Dings]

I'll see you in a sec. Excellent.

And, Brenda? Yes.

At the Kafka's Motorbike thing, thought it might be fun... if you introduce me before I introduce him.

Add a lovely sense of occasion.

[ Chuckles ] Certainly, sir.

Psst. Brenda.

What are you doing tonight? Um, actually, I'm busy.

Oh, right. Well, that's a shame.

I just, uh... Well, I thought it might be a charitable thing... to take your skirt out for dinner and try and fatten it up a bit.

Mmm. [ Chuckles ] Maybe you could come too.

What about tomorrow? No.

Tomorrow's the launch. Ah, yes, of course.

Possibly the worst book ever published.

Well, in the end, that's not the ad line we've gone for.

Uh, next night. Let's see, shall we?

Night, Daniel.

Right. No pressure, Bridge, but your whole future happiness now depends... on how you behave on this one social occasion.

Right. What shall I do?

First, look gorgeous.

♪♪[ "Theme From Peter Gunn" Plays]

[ Tape Ripping From Skin] Oh!

Oh, God!

Two: Then totally ignore Daniel and suck up to famous authors.

Salman. Salman. Salman.

Circulate, oozing intelligence.

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya? Chechny-a!

Introduce people with thoughtful details, such as:

Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila.

Sheila enjoys horse riding and comes from New Zealand.

Daniel enjoys publishing and comes...

All over your face? - [ Tom]Exactly.

Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you when you're having dinner.

It's just that... Yes. Yes, it was me.

Yes. Nine years ago.

No current plans to record anything else.

Thank you so much. Oh, it's just that... [ Clears Throat ]

Your ch... your chair is on my wife's coat.

[Bridget Snickers]

Your... Your chair. Of course it is.

I'm terribly sorry. - Thank you so much.

[ Thinking ] Hmm. Major dilemma.

If I actually do, by some terrible chance, end up in flagrante, surely these would be most attractive at crucial moment.

However, chances of reaching crucial moment greatly increase by wearing these, scary stomach-holding-in panties very popular with grannies the world over.

Huh. Tricky. Very tricky.

♪♪[ "Theme From Peter Gunn" Continues]

[ Thinking ] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the launch of Kafka's Motorbike, the greatest book of our time, and here to introduce it is Mr. Titspervert.

[Bridget Thinking] Oh, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert.

Okay, circulate, oozing intelligence.

Ignore Daniel and be fabulous with everyone else.

I am the intellectual equal of everyone else here. Ooh.

It's like a whole theory of short fiction... and of the novella, you know?

And, of course, the problem with Martin's definition of the novella... is that it really only applies to him.

[Man Laughs]

That doesn't sound like Martin. Not.

I could be wrong. What do you think?

Uh, do you know...

where the toilets are, huh?

Ah. [ Thinking ] Stay calm. Can't get any worse.

What are you doing here? I've been asking myself the same question.

I came with a colleague. So how are you?

Well, apart from being very disappointed... not to see my favorite reindeer jumper again, I'm well.

Anyone going to introduce me?

[ Thinking ] Ah, introduce people with thoughtful details.

Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy.

Mark's a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel-raced ex-wife.

Perpetua's a fat-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around.

[ Thinking ] Maybe not.

Anyone going to introduce me? Ah.

Perpetua. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, this is Mark Darcy.

Mark's a top barrister. Oh, he comes from Grafton Underwood.

Perpetua is one of my work colleagues.

Hi, Mark. I know you by reputation, of course.

Ah, Natasha. This is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha.

Natasha is a top attorney and specializes in family law.

Bridget works in publishing and used to play naked in my paddling pool.

How odd. [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Perpetua, how's the house hunt going? Disaster.

Can't even go into it with you.

By the by, that man is gorgeous.

Ah, yes, Mark.

Just give me time. Give me time. [ Chuckling ]

[Daniel] You've written "a searing vision"...

Can you remember the rest of this?

"Of the wounds our century has inflicted on traditional masculinity.

Positively Vonnegutesque."

[ Both Laughing ]

Listen, you don't know where the loos are here, do you?

Uh, y-yes. They're that way. Thanks.

One, two. [ Blowing ]

Ladies and gentlemen.

La...

L-Ladies and...

La... Oi!

Oi.

Sorry, the, uh, mike's not w-working. [ Clears Throat ]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the launch of Kafka's Motorbike, the greatest book of our time.

[Scattered Applause]

Obviously, except for your books, Mr. Rushdie, which are also very good.

And Lord Archer.

Yours aren't bad either.

[Clears Throat] Anyway, uh, what I mean is, uh, welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for coming to the launch of one of the top 30... books of our time.

Anyway. At least.

And here to introduce it, properly, is, uh, the man we all call, uh, [ Thinking ] Titspervert. - Mister...

[ Thinking ] Titspervert! Mister...

[ Thinking ] Titspervert. Fitzherbert.

Uh, because... that is his name.

[Hushed Giggling] Mr. Fitzherbert?

Thank you.

[Polite Applause]

Thank you, Brenda.

Just switch this on. [Feedback]

[Guests Chattering, Laughing]

So how autobiographical is your work, Salman?

You know, it's an amazing thing. Nobody's ever asked me that question.

Excuse me.

Jones, sod 'em all.

It was a b-brilliant... postmodernist masterpiece of oratorical fireworks, really.

[ Laughs, Groans ]

You're looking very sexy, Jones.

I'm going to have to take you out to dinner now whether you like it or not, okay?

Come on. Get your stuff.

[ Sighs ]

How do you feel about this whole situation in Chechnya? Isn't it a nightmare?

I couldn't give a fuck, Jones. Now look.

How do you know, um, Arsey Darcy? [ Chuckles ]

Apparently I used to, um, run round naked in his paddling pool.

I bet you did, you dirty bitch.

What about you?

Same. Yeah.

No, no, I was, um, best man at his wedding.

Um, knew him from Cambridge.

He was a mate. And then what?

And then, uh... nothing.

You don't need to protect him. He's no friend of mine.

Well, um, then, many years later, I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake... of introducing him to my fiancée.

And, um...

I couldn't say in all honesty I've ever quite forgiven him.

God, so... he's a nasty bastard, as well as a dull bastard.

Yes. Yes, I think that's fair.

Anyway, fuck him. Listen, don't let him ruin our evening.

Why don't you have some more wine, and tell me more about practicing French-kissing with the other girls at school.

That's a very good story. It wasn't French kissing.

Don't care. Make it up. That's an order, Jones.

[ Daniel ] So, um, how about a drink at my place?

Totally innocent, no funny business, just full sex.

No, no, no. I should get a taxi.

But thank you for the lovely dinner.

It's a pleasure, Jones.

♪♪[Male Singer Vocalizing]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You're alone ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ Does it ever puzzle you ♪

♪ Have you asked why you seem to fall in love ♪

♪ And out again ♪

♪ Do you really ever love or just pretend ♪

♪ Oh, baby why fool yourself ♪

♪ Don't be afraid to help yourself ♪ Now, these are very silly little boots, Jones.

♪ It's never too late, too late to stop, look ♪ And this is a very silly little dress, and, um, these are, uh... fuck me... absolutely enormous panties.

Jesus. Fuck.

No, no. Don't apologize. I like them.

[ Scoffs, Laughs ] Hello, Mummy!

♪ Love ♪ I'm sorry.

I have to take another look. They're too good to be true. No.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.

Here, I'll show you. No...

♪ This time decide that you will open up ♪

♪ Let it in ♪

♪ There's no shame in sharing love you feel within ♪

♪ So jump right in ♪

♪ Head over heels ♪

♪ And fall right in♪♪

[ Sighing ] That was fantastic.

Oh. Mmm.

[ Moans ] Yeah? Daniel?

What happens at the office?

Oh. Well, I'm glad you asked that.

You see, it's a publishing house.

So that means that people write things for us, and then we print out all the pages and fasten them together... and make them into what we call a "book," Jones.

[ Laughs ] No, do you think people will notice?

Notice what? Us.

Working together, sleeping together.

Hang on a minute, Jones. Just slow down.

It started on Tuesday, and now it's Thursday.

[ Chuckles ] It's not exactly... a long-term relationship yet, is it?

You very... bad... man. [Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Oh. [ Groans ] [Ringing Continues]

Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess... with a very bad man between her thighs.

Mum. Hi.

[Bridget Narrating] It's a truth universally acknowledged... that the moment one area of your life starts going okay, another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces.

[Pam] Ah, anyone else want to have it oeuf?

[Laughter] Don't be shy, madam.

Uh, uh, French.

Have it oeuf with the WiseCrack Egg Peeler.

[ Laughs ] Now, um, nice firm grip, Put it in the hole. ♪ Ta-da ♪♪ Up, down, up, down, and off it comes in your hand.

[ Laughing ] Oh, mind the overspray.

Sorry.

Darling, if I came in with my knickers on my head, he wouldn't notice.

I've spent 35 years cleaning his house, washing his clothes, bringing up his children.

I'm your child too.

To be honest, darling, having children isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Given my chance again, I'm not sure I'd have any.

Now it's the winter of my life, and I haven't actually got anything of my own.

I've got no power, no, no real career, no, no sex life.

Got no life at all. I'm like the grasshopper who sang all summer.

Like Germaine sodding Geer. Greer.

Well, anyway, I'm not having it.

And I've been talent-spotted.

Julian thinks I've got great potential.

Who's Julian? From the Home Shopping Channel.

Comes into the store to have his colors done.

Potential for what? As a demonstrator, on his cable show; you know, his assistant.

Apparently, it's the highest-rated show on the channel.

Well, apart from the one with the fat people who beat up their relatives.

I must whiz. Have you heard from Mark Darcy?

Good-bye, Mum.

♪ Me and ♪

♪ Mrs., Mrs. Jones ♪

[Pam] Oh, Julian.

♪ We got a thing ♪ Sorry to keep you waiting.

♪ Goin' on and on and on and on♪♪

[Bridget Narrating] And a few weeks later, it got lots worse.

Hello! Look at this.

[Julian On TV ] ...hanging off this heart-shaped pendant.

One of my own personal recommendations... is this absolutely stunning matching necklace and earring set.

The earrings, measuring... just over a centimeter... in genuine diamante with topaz and lapis lazuli... in a lovely mock-gold finish.

The exact replica of those worn at Wimbledon in 1993... by Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Kent.

[Sound Off]

Well, has she actually moved out, then?

Apparently she and this tangerine-tinted buffoon are suddenly an item.

Half our friends have had them round to bloody dinner.

She's even taking jaundiced Julian to Una Alconbury's tarts and vicars party.

That's not the Pamela I knew. That's cruel.

Still, um, could be a golden opportunity.

If you spent the entire party flirting with other women, it would drive Mum wild with jealousy. Will it?

That's how I got my man.

Have you got a boyfriend? A real one?

I have, Father. I have.

And he's perfect.

[Car Horn Honking]

♪♪[Orchestra Playing]

♪♪

[Engine Revving]

[Bridget Narrating] Hurrah. Am no longer tragic spinster... but proper girlfriend of bona fide sex god... so committed that he's taking me... on a full-blown, minibreak holiday weekend.

[Daniel] Promise me we don't have to sit in little boats... and read poncey poetry to each other.

[Bridget Narrating] He's also agreed to protect me... at Uncle Geoffrey's hideous tarts and vicars fancy dress party.

This can't be just shagging. A minibreak means true love.

Suddenly feel like screen goddess in manner of Grace Kelly.

Though, perhaps, ever so slightly less elegant under pressure.

Very quiet here, isn't it? Are we the only guests, or...

We have a wedding this weekend.

I believe there are just four of you not involved.

Oh. Hmm.

[Natasha] You do the boats, I'll do the tea.

Oh, Jesus. Hello there.

Hi. Well, well.

Take it you're also heading for the Alconburys' rockery.

Yes, that's right. I brought Natasha.

Get a bit of work done. Thought I might make it a not entirely wasted weekend.

How interesting. What a gripping life you do lead.

Yeah, well, I'll, um, see you upstairs in a second.

Mmm, well, the weakness of their case... lies in the deposition they made on August 30.

"Season of mist and... mellow fruitlessness."

Oh, fuck me, I love Keats. Have you heard this one?

There was a young woman from Ealing... who had a peculiar feeling.

She lay on her back and opened her crack... and pissed all over the ceiling.

Oh, bollocks. Oh, shit.

I'm boarding you, Bridge. I can't see an alternative. Don't you dare!

I'm king of the world! No!

Fuck me!

[ Bridget Screams, Laughs ]

[Daniel] Piss and bollocks. All right, that's it.

You stupid arse! [ Laughing ]

Bollocks. All right.

Ah! No! [Daniel] Ready?

So childish.

Yes.

[Daniel] Hey, Darce! Come on in!

Water's lovely.

Come on. You're working too hard, mate.

Daniel. Yes, Bridget?

That thing you just did is actually illegal in several countries.

Well, that is, of course, the major reason I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

Yes, I can't understand why the prime minister... doesn't mention it more in his speeches.

Oh, you should write to him about it. I intend to.

Daniel. Bridget.

Do you love me? Shut up, or I'll do it again.

Do you love me? Right. You asked for it.

And over you go. [ Laughing ]

[Daniel] I'm going to give you something to bite on.

Here. Okay? Pop this in your mouth, darling.

[Bridget Laughs] No.

[Daniel] You're begging for it.

[Bridget Laughs] Stop it!

I've got to go back to town.

A meeting's come up.

On a Sunday? No, the meeting's first thing tomorrow.

I've got to work on some figures.

We could just pop into the party for a minute...

I'm sorry. I just can't do it. and leave early.

I've got to head back.

Listen, Daniel, if you've changed your mind, you could just say so.

Because, honestly, I don't see what could be so important.

No, well, you wouldn't, would you?

'Cause you don't have the faintest idea of just how much trouble the company's in.

You swan in in your short skirt and your sexy see-through blouse... and fanny around with press releases.

This is the Americans flying in 'cause they're thinking of shutting us down, for fuck's sake!

Sorry.

I'm sorry, Bridge. I know I'm being a prat.

I'm going to arrange a lovely car to come and pick you up... take you back to London after the party, okay?

If you have to travel alone, travel in style.

[ Chuckles ]

And, um, I also think it's very important... that you win this costume competition.

Good. Good start.

Now, then, Miss Jones, where does this go?

[ Thinking ] Oh, well, here we go.

Trying hard to fight off a vision of Mum and Auntie Una in fishnet tights.

Seems unnatural, wrong even, for 60-year-olds... to dress up as prostitutes and priests on a Sunday afternoon.

[ Gasping, Laughing ]

[ Thinking ] Oh, holy Jesus.

Bridget! Where are all the other tarts and vicars?

Oh, dear. Didn't Geoffrey call you?

Geoffrey, didn't you telephone Colin and Bridget? How's my little Bridget?

Bop-bop. [ Snickering ] Oh-ho.

Geoffrey! So, where's this chap of yours, then, eh?

Ah, yes, well, he had to work, so... Ha! Likely tale.

Off they run. Whee!

[ Chuckling ]

Bizarre what some men find attractive.

Oh, God. - Darling. Geoffrey!

What on earth are you wearing?

You look like a common prostitute.

Yes, well, that was actually the point. Say hi to Julian.

Hello, Julian.

My dear, you and your mother could be sisters.

And what a lovely bracelet.

It's what I call an "all-rounder."

Sort of thing one can wear with anything to any occasion.

[ Chuckles ]

Have you spoken to my dad? Yes.

He's behaving most bizarrely.

I think he was actually trying to flirt with Penny Husbands-Bosworth, poor thing.

She was very frightened. She's only just had her ovaries done.

[ Laughing ]

I don't know what you ever saw in him. Shh. Bad man.

[ Chuckles ] Didn't tell you either.

[ Laughing ]

Well, I didn't spend as much as Bernard, thank God.

Oh... I'm sorry, Dad.

The way she looked at me. Well, she loves you, really.

You love each other. This is only a temporary glitch.

Is it? I don't know.

I don't know.

Ah, Bridget! There you are.

Don't worry. You're not the only one.

This is Penny. Geoffrey didn't get in touch with her either.

I'm sorry? I was saying Geoffrey didn't contact you either... to tell you the tarts and vicars concept had gone out the window.

Oh, yes, he did. Oh, right.

Lovely dress. Very exotic.

What a shame you couldn't bring your boyfriend, Bridget.

What's his name? David? Darren? Daniel Cleaver.

Oh. Is he a friend of yours, Mark?

Absolutely not. I hope he's good enough for our little Bridget.

I think I can say with total confidence, absolutely not.

Well, I'm sure he'd say the same about you, given your past behavior.

Sorry? I think you know what I mean.

Mark?

[Bridget Thinking] Hmm. Looks like Auntie Shirley didn't get the message either.

[ Beeping ]

Hi.

I just really, really wanted to see a friendly face.

Oh, now, listen. I tell you what. I have an idea.

Let me finish this while you go home and have a long hot bath, and I'll call round, we'll have dinner later, okay?

[Banging Noise]

Is there someone here?

Not that I'm aware of.

Unless that Bosnian family's moved in again. Bastards.

[ Groans, Chuckles ]

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I'm going mad.

Listen, I am feeling really bad, actually.

I should have been there. No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. At least I got a lot of work done.

Just give me one more hour, okay?

Fine. That's fine. I'll go home and de-bunny.

Oh, and you know, last night... when I said that I loved you?

Yeah? I didn't mean it.

I was being ironic. Oh, good. Yeah, I know, I know.

All right.

Thank you, madam.

Bridge?

Bridget!

This is Lara from the New York office.

Lara, this is Bridget.

Hey there.

I thought you said she was thin.


[ Woman On TV ] I was hoping that you would want to be a part of it.

[ Man On TV ] Listen, this is... this is totally insane.

I'm 36. It may be my last chance to have a child.

Alex...

[ Gasping, Screaming ]

The male penetrates the female and leaves.

Coitus is brief and perfunctory.

For the female, all there is to do now is wait and wait.


We've had a very good response... to the Teddy Knows Best teaser campaign, and, uh, had various local radio bids for author interviews, which is good, Stop that. I feel terrible. but it's, uh...

The thing is with Lara and me...

Well, you know. No, you'll have to fill me in.

Well, the truth is, the truth is we're the same, Bridge, you and me.

You know, we're two people of a certain age looking for the moment to commit... and finding it really hard.

And I just think that in the end it's got to be something... extraordinary, something which makes us go that extra mile, and I think...

Lara and... I don't know... being American or something to do with confidence, and, um, being so... well, young, you know.

Well, we've... become very close.

You've only just met her. She flew in yesterday.

Oh. Tsk.

Silly Bridget.

You haven't only just met her. No.

No, I got to know her pretty well when we were in the New York office together.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

There's no easy way to say this, but, uh, I wanted... I wanted you to be the first to know that, uh,

we're engaged.

[Bridget Narrating] At times like this, continuing with one's life... seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable.

I have two choices:

To give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood... and eventual eating by dogs, [ Growling ]

Or not, and this time I choose not.

I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect.

Instead, I choose vodka.

And Chaka Khan.

♪♪[Disco]

♪ I'm every woman It's all in me ♪

♪ Anything you want done, baby ♪

♪ I’ll do it naturally ♪

♪ I'm every woman ♪

♪ It's all in me ♪

♪ I can read your thoughts right now ♪

♪ Everyone from "A " to "Z" Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ Oof! Oh!

♪ I can cast a spell Secrets you can't tell ♪ Fine. Fine.

♪ Mix a special brew Put fire inside of you ♪

-♪Any time you feel danger♪♪ Why do you want to be in television?

Well, I've realized that I've become deeply committed... to communicating to the public the up-to-the-moment and in-depth news, both political and ecological.

What do you think of the El Nino phenomenon? Um, it's a blip.

I think, basically, Latin music is on its way out.

So why do you want to work in television?

Because I'm passionately committed to communicating with children.

They are the future. Do you have any children of your own?

Oh, Christ, no. Yech! [ Laughing ]

Sorry.

[Man] So, why do you want to work in television?

I've got to leave my current job because I've shagged my boss.

Fair enough. Start Monday. We'll see how we go.

Oh, and, uh, incidentally, at Sit Up, Britain, no one ever gets sacked for shaggin' the boss.

That's a matter of principle.

Bridge, uh, come on, hey.

I know it's been awkward as arse, but there's no need to leave.

No, actually, there is. I've been offered a job in television.

Television? Mm-hmm.

And they want me to start straight away.

Um, so I've got to leave in about, ooh, three minutes.

So, um...

Whoa, j-just hold it right there, Miss Jones.

I'm sorry to inform you, but I think you'll find that, by contract, you are expected to give at least six weeks' notice.

Ah, yes. Well, you know, I thought with the company being in so much trouble and all, you wouldn't miss the person who "waltzes in in a see-through top... and fannies about with the press releases."

Bridget. I want to hear this.

Because if she gives one inch, I'm gonna fire her bony little bottom anyway... for being totally spineless.

What? Well, I just think you should know, that, um...

There are a lot of prospects here for a talented p... Daniel...

Just give me a minute, would you, Simon? Thanks. Righto, boss man.

Lots of prospects... for a person who, uh, you know, who, perhaps for personal reasons, has been slightly overlooked professionally.

Thank you, Daniel. That is very good to know.

But if staying here means working within ten yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's ass.

[ Laughter ] ♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me ♪

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T Take care of T-C-B ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me sock it to me ♪ Well, bye, everyone.

♪ Just a little bit ♪ ♪ A little respect ♪

♪ Just a little bit ♪ ♪ All the time ♪

♪ Just a little bit Just a little bit ♪ ♪ Keep on trying ♪

♪ You're running out, fool♪♪ Oh, just sod off.

Hello and welcome to Sit Up, Britain, a current affairs show...

Okay, everybody, it is bonfire night, and we are on fire.

We have live fire station feeds from Newcastle, Swansea, Sheffield and Lewisham, just poised for tragedy.

Bridget Jones, where are you?

I'm here, Richard.

Put on some more makeup. I want you on camera.

Uh... I'm thinking miniskirt.

I'm thinking fireman's helmet. I want you pointing a hose.

I want you sliding down the pole. Then go straight to the interview.

Great. I'll do it.

No problem. Fine. Right.

So you drop into shot and then interview Chief Fireman Bevan. Yep.

Yep, yep. Go, go. Go, go. Go!

Go? Oh, no.

We're going to firefighters in Newcastle first.

Stop! Climb back up. Climb back up!

On you in 30seconds. Okay.

[ Grunting ]

What the fuck is going on? She's supposed to be sliding down the pole, not climbing it.

Go, go. Go, go. Go! Ooh! Okay!

[ Screaming ] Oh, Jesus Christ!

[ Both Grunting ]

Okay. We're out of time. Just wind her up.

Well, that seems to be about all we've got time for down here in Lewisham.

Chief Officer Bevan, thank you very much.

Excellent fire station.

Uh, and now... back to the studio.

[ Screaming ]

[Bridget Narrating] Excellent. Am national laughingstock.

Have bottom the size of Brazil, am daughter of broken home, am rubbish at everything and...

Oh, God. Am having dinner with Magda and Jeremy.

The only thing worse than smug, married couple...

Lots of smug, married couples.

Right. Everyone, this is Bridget.

Bridge, this is Hugo and Jane.

Hi. - You know Cosmo and Woney.

Hi, Bridge. - This is Alistair and Henrietta.

Hello. - Julia and Michael.

Joanne and Paul. Hello.

And Jeremy's partners from chambers, Natasha Glenville and Mark Darcy.

Hi there. Hello.

Not in your bunny girl outfit today? No.

Uh, we bunnies only wear our tails on very special occasions.

Right, B. Sit yourself down. Right.

Hey, Bridge, how's your love life?

Oh. - Still going out with that publishing chappie?

Uh, n-no. No, actually.

Terribly good. Never dip your nib in the office ink.

Right. - You really ought to hurry up and gets progged up, old girl.

Time's a-running out. Ticktock.

Yes, yes. Uh, tell me.

Is it one in four marriages that ends in divorce now or one in three?

One in three.

Seriously, the office is full of single girls in their30s.

Fine physical specimens, but they just can't seem to hold down a chap.

Yes, why is it there are so many unmarried women in their30s these days, Bridget?

[ Nervous Chuckle ] Oh, I don't know.

I suppose it doesn't help that, underneath our clothes, our entire bodies are covered in scales.

[Quiet Laughter]

I very much enjoyed your Lewisham fire report, by the way.

Thank you.

Yeah, well...

So, it didn't work out with Daniel Cleaver?

No, it didn't.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Look, are you and Cosmo in this together?

I mean, you seem to go out of your way... to try to make me feel like a complete idiot every time I see you, and you really needn't bother.

I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway, with or without a fireman's pole.

[Door Buzzer Buzzes] That'll be my taxi.

Good night.

Look, um, I'm sorry... if I've been...

What? I don't think you're an idiot at all.

I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you.

Your mother's pretty interesting.

And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker.

And you tend to let whatever is in your head come out of your mouth... without much consideration of the consequences.

I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet... that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeer jumper... that my mother had given me the day before.

But the thing is, um...

What I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is... that, um, in fact, perhaps, despite appearances, I like you... very much.

Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking... and the vulgar mother... and the verbal diarrhea.

No, I like you very much... just as you are.

[Footsteps Approaching]

Mark, we really are making progress on the case in here.

Jeremy's had a most brilliant idea. [Snaps Fingers]

Right. Right.

I must go because... ♪ I've been searching a long time ♪ Well... bye.

♪ For someone exactly like you ♪

♪ I've been traveling all around the world ♪ Uh, "just as you are"? ♪♪[Continues, Indistinct]

Not thinner? Not cleverer?

Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose?

♪ Someone like you ♪ Mm-mm. ♪ To make it all worthwhile ♪ Well... fuck me. ♪ Someone like you ♪

♪ To keep me satisfied Someone exactly ♪ But this is someone you hate, right? ♪ Like you ♪ Mmm. Mmm. Yes, yes. I hate him.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Yapping ] ♪ I've been traveling a hard road ♪

[Bridget Narrating] November9. Weight: 138pounds.

Cigarettes: 3. Birthday: 33.

Okay, Bridget. See if you can get it right this time.

The verdict in the Aghani-Heaney case is expected today.

Get yourself down to the high court. I want a hardheaded interview.

You do know the Aghani-Heaney case.

[ Laughing ] Yes, of course.

Big case... featuring someone called "Aghani-Heaney."

Or two people called Kafir Aghani and Eleanor Heaney.

That's the one. [ Chuckles ]

She's a British aid worker. He's a Kurdish freedom fighter.

The government want to extradite him home where he'll certainly be executed.

She's married to him, and they've fought for five years to keep him here.

Today is the decision. Oh, that's exciting.

Yes, it is. So what are you waiting for?

[Bridget Narrating] Am suddenly hard headed journalist... ruthlessly committed to promoting justice and liberty.

Nothing can distract me from my dedication to the pursuit of truth.

Well, almost nothing.

Right. I'll just pop to the shop quickly for some ciggies.

[Bridget] 14P for the Polos and the packet of Wheat Crunchies.

[Man] A packet of Embassy, please. I'm sorry. I'm not quite fi...

Good afternoon.

Hi. You like me just the way I am.

Sorry? Nothing.

Bridget, we fucked up utterly.

Eleanor Heaney and Kafir Aghani have come and gone.

Oh, God. I'll be sacked.

Well, did the others get interviews?

I don't know. I was having a slash.

Actually, nobody got interviews. So how do you know?

Because I was defending him, and I told him not to give any interviews.

Look... I have a plan.

And action.

Mr. Darcy, you were defending Mr. Aghani. You must be delighted.

Yes, well, Kafir Aghani has spent his entire life... defending the basic human rights of his own people, and today's verdict... has been the result of five years of struggle by this woman, Eleanor Heaney, to save the man she loves from... an extradition order that would have been tantamount to a death sentence.

Right.

And, Eleanor, over to you.

Did you fancy Kafir the first time that you saw him?

[ Chuckles ]

This has been Bridget Jones for Sit Up, Britain, with, let's face it, a bit of a crush now, actually.

Good afternoon.

Bridget Jones. Already a legend.

♪ I feel fantastic, bombastic ecstatically astounded ♪

♪ How a girl can really lose her grip ♪

♪ I feel surrounded confounded ♪

♪ Emotionally dumbfounded ♪

[Bridget Narrating] Oh, joy, I am broadcasting genius.

Celebrating by cooking birthday feast for close friends.

Have sneaking suspicion am also something of a genius in the kitchen as well.

Tie flavor-enhancing leek and celery together with string.

Right. String.

String, string, string. Perfect.

♪ I don't think so ♪ Finely slice oranges and grate zest.

♪ Why don't you leave it there ♪

♪ I feel fantastic bombastic, ecstatically ♪

[ Yells ] Oh, no! Oh, motherfucker!

♪ I feel surrounded confounded ♪

♪ Emotionally dumbfounded ♪ Where the fuck is the fucking tuna?

[ Sighs ] This is Bridget Jones for Sit Up, Britain, [Phone Ringing] searching for tuna.

[ Ringing Continues ]

Bridget Jones. Hello, darling.

Hi, Mum. I just wanted a bit of a chat.

Ouch! Careful, you ham-fisted cunt!

The thing is, darling, between you and me, I'm not entirely sure that Julian isn't a bit of a shit.

Well, you know, Mum, I haven't really got time right now.

Well, I, I can't deny the sex is still very surprising.

You know, the other night, quite unexpectedly, I was just dozing off, and I felt this huge...

Bye, Mum.

Ugh! [Knock At Door]

Oh, who could be calling now?

Oh.

The door was open.

I came to congratulate the new face of British current affairs.

[Bridget Chuckles]

But I see I may have come at a bad time.

How's it look? Uh, great.

It's, um, blue. [ Gasps ]

Blue? No, but blue is good.

If you ask me, there isn't enough blue food.

Oh, shit. It must have been the string.

Oh, it's string soup. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, God. They're gonna be here any minute.

Well, don't worry. I'm sure they've come to see you and not orange parfait in sugar cages.

Let's have a drink. Yes.

Happy birthday. Thank you. [ Chuckling ]

Did I really run round your lawn naked?

Oh, yes. You were four, and I was eight.

That's a pretty big age difference.

It's quite pervy, really.

Yes, I like to think so.

What are we going to do about this dinner, then?

We can have blue soup to start, orange pudding to end, and, well, for the main course you have, um, congealed green gunge.

That is caper berry gravy, actually. Oh, yes.

Do you have eggs? Yes.

Right. Omelet it is, then.

Ah! With caper berry gravy.

You wouldn't by any chance have any beetroot cubes, would you?

Minigherkin? Stuffed olive?

No, Pam. And besides, I'm busy.

The gravy needs sieving.

Surely not. Just stir it, Una.

[Door Buzzer Buzzing]

♪ In the dark ♪

♪ I can hear ♪ [Door Opens]

- Hey! Happy birthday!

TV queen! We're so proud!

Hey, Bridge, you looked so fucking thin! You looked fantastic!

[ Chattering Stops ]

Hello.

Hello. [ Tom] Are you joining us?

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

♪ What did you say ♪

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ Mmm ♪ [Siren Wailing]

♪ Did you miss me♪♪

Excellent. Mmm.

Delicious. Really special.

It's really... It's really very good.

Really, it's very nice. [Laughing]

[ Chuckling ] So... hmm, Mark, why did your wife leave you?

Mmm! Eat up. Eat up. Two more lovely courses to go.

♪ Make it last ♪

♪ Takin' time ♪ Mmm, delicious!

[ Laughing ] I have to say, this is the most incredible shit.

[Laughter Continues]

This is the worst of the three.

It does actually remind me of something. It tastes like...

Marmalade. - Well done, Bridge.

Four hours of cooking and a feast of blue soup, omelet and marmalade.

Thank you. I think that deserves a toast, don't you?

To Bridget, who cannot cook, but who we love... just ass he is.

[ Together ] To Bridget, just as she is.

♪ Did you miss me ♪

♪ Did you miss me ♪

- [Door Buzzer Buzzes] I'll go.

- ♪ Ooh-ooh♪♪ [Door Closes]

Who? Ah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm obviously interrupting.

I... Darcy.

What brings you here?

Oh, right, yeah. I should have guessed, shouldn't I?

Hi. I'm Tom. It's really good to meet you at last.

Yeah. Listen, I just came to, uh...

I thought you might be on your own. Huh.

What an idiot.

Excuse me.

I've been going crazy.

I can't stop thinking about you... and thinking what a fucking idiot I've been.

Christ, is that blue soup?

Yes.

You know, that Sunday in the country...

Come on outside.

It was all just going so fast... the hotel and that weekend, meeting your parents.

I just panicked.

You know me. I'm...

I'm a terrible disaster with a posh voice and a bad character.

You're the only one who can save me, Bridge. I need you.

Without you, 20 years from now, I'll be in some seedy bar... with some seedy blonde.

And what about Lara?

Oh, over, over. Totally fucking finito.

Dumped me.

Dumped me when she realized I hadn't got over you.

I know you're thinking it's just a sex thing, but I promise you, whenever see... that skimpy little skirt on TV, I just close my eyes and listen to all the intelligent things you'll say.

I was thrilled that little Kurdish bloke was set free.

Bridge, I missed you a lot.

I'm going now. Bye.

Mark, stay. We...

No, I don't think I will. Well, listen. Don't leave on my behalf now.

Come on. I think it's about time you and I put this past behind us, don't you, Darce?

At least stay for a birthday drink with me and Bridge, huh?

Good-bye, Bridget.

Mark.

Why are you here?

Bridge, I just told you why I'm here.

Why was Mark wanker Darcy here? [Door Opens, Footsteps]

Oh, bloody hell. Wait a minute. He's back.

All right, Cleaver. Outside. I'm sorry?

Outside? Uh, should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?

All right. Hang on.

I should have done this years ago.

Done what? This.

Oh! Fuck! Fuck me, that hurt!

Oh! What the fuck do you think you're doing?

This. [ All Gasping ]

Oh, Christ, not again. Oh.

Fight!

What? Fight.

Where? Where? Well, quick!

It's a real fight! [ Chattering In Greek ]

A fight!

[Daniel] All right, all right, all right. I give up. I give up.

Just give me a moment, all right. Just let me get a moment's break here, okay?

Oh! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat!

[ Grunting ]

I'll shin you!

[ Shouting In Greek ]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Whose side are we on? Mark's, obviously.

He's never dumped Bridget for some naked American.

And he said he liked her just the way she is.

But he also nicked Daniel's fiancée and left him brokenhearted.

Good point. It's a very hard one to call.

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah It's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪ No! No! No! No!

♪ It's raining men ♪ Oh, yes!

♪ Hallelujah It's raining men ♪ [ Grunting ]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. [ Grunts ]

[Man] What are you doing? Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I really am sorry. I will pay.

Enough, Darcy? Not quite, if that's all right by you.

[ Grunting, Shouting Continue ]

You broke my bloody jaw! ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear what's his name ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

♪ It's raining men Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men♪♪ [ Both Grunting ]

[Daniel] Jesus.

All right. All right. Enough.

Enough. Enough.

Wanker.

[ Grunts ] [ Gasping ]

What is your problem?

My problem? Yes!

You give the impression of being all moral and noble... and normal and helpful in the kitchen, but you're just as bad as the rest of them.

Well, I can see that I've been laboring under a misapprehension.

Very, very foolish mistake. Forgive me.

[Daniel Grunts]

Let's go back upstairs.

Come on.

We belong together, Jones.

Me, you, poor little skirt.

Right.

If I can't make it with you, I can't make it with anyone.

Um...

That's not a good enough offer for me.

I'm not willing to gamble my whole life... on someone who's, well, not quite sure.

It's like you said: I'm still looking for something... more extraordinary than that.

♪ Dingdong merrily on high ♪

[Bridget Narrating] December25.

Weight: 140pounds... plus 42 mince pies.

Alcohol units: Oh, thousands. ♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

Bugger off!

Come on then, kids.

This Baroque carriage clock... is a particular festive favorite of mine, incorporating the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's Messiah... every hour, on the hour.

I can't understand it. The man's actually turned red now.

Merry Christmas, Pamela.

Well, I'm going to Bedfordshire.

Night-night. Night-night.

The thing is, close up, he was almost purple.

You were such a lovely normal color.

He had a filthy temper.

And, well, the jewelry is fabulous and really very reasonably priced.

I thought I might ask if...

if we could have another go.

I mean, obviously with some effort on your part to pay a bit more attention to me.

I do realize what I'm like sometimes.

It doesn't help that you and Bridget have your lovely grown-up club of two... and always say, "What's silly old Mummy gone and done this time?"

You used to be mad about me.

You couldn't get enough of me.

What do you think?

[ Sighing ]

I don't know, Pam.

I just don't know now.

It's been very hard.

Oh, Colin.

[ Sobbing ]

I'm joking, you daft cow.

Oh! [ Laughing, Crying ]

Pam, I just don't work without you.

[ Both Laughing ]

Awful!

[Laughing Continues]

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Get back up those stairs, young lady. Get dressed. What for?

The Darcys' ruby wedding party. "What for," indeed!

Mark will be there. Still divorced.

He's also still deranged. I'm not going.

Poor Mark. This is always a bad time of year for him.

His Japanese wife left him on Christmas Day. Cruel race.

Yes, but I'm not quite sure he didn't deserve it, actually.

She ran off with his best friend from Cambridge.

Total scoundrel, apparently. Best man at his wedding.

Then Christmas Eve, Mark comes home early from work, finds the pair of them in a most unorthodox position, stark naked, at it like rabbits.

Just give me five minutes.

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ Ain't no valley low enough ♪

♪ Ain't no river wide enough ♪ Stop! Stop the car!

What? Stop the car.

Dad, get out. Too slow!

♪ Ain't no valley low enough ♪

♪ Say it again ♪ ♪ Ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you ♪ Dad, get in! Hurry! I am gettin' in! What's the hurry?

♪ High enough ♪ Not too fast. ♪ Nothing can keep me Keep me from you ♪

Bit snowy, isn't it? - ♪Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ Ain't no valley low enough ♪

♪ Ain't no river wide enough ♪

♪ To keep me from you ♪

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ Ain't no valley low enough ♪ ♪ Say it again ♪

♪ Ain't no river wide enough♪♪ Thank you. Happy New Year to you.

Sorry. One moment.

Thank you for inviting me.

I didn't. It must have been my parents.

So. So.

Hello, Bridget. Didn't know you were coming.

Mark, your father wants to begin A.S.A.P.

Oh, does he? Right. Well, uh...

Oh, come on, Mark. Be helpful, please.

Caterers have totally screwed up. Does nothing work outside of London?

Hmm? Apparently not. [ Laughs ]

Well, I'd...

Listen, uh, I owe you an apology... about Daniel.

He said that you ran off with his fiancée and left him brokenhearted, he said.

Ah. No, it was the other way around.

It was, uh, my... wife.

My heart.

Sorry.

That's why you always acted so strangely around him... and beat him to a pulp, quite rightly.

Well done.

Well, um... Can we just, um, pop out there... for a moment?

It's quite delightful, isn't it, my dear?

[ Whispering ] Okay.

I just have something that I want to say.

Um, you once said that you liked me just as I am, and I just wanted to say... likewise.

I mean, there are stupid things your mum buys you... tonight's another classic.

You're haughty and you always say the wrong thing in every situation.

And I seriously believe that you should... rethink the length of your sideburns.

But you're a nice man, and...

I like you.

If you wanted to pop by sometime, that might be nice.

More than nice.

Right.

Crikey.

[Crystal Dinging]

[Man]Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention for a moment, please?

Excuse me.

Of course.

My dear wife and companion Geraldine.

A toast to her, my wonderful wife Geraldine.

[ Together ] To Geraldine.

And we, in turn, have been blessed with our son Mark.

He's always made us proud, and we couldn't be prouder of him than on this particular day... because I'm thrilled to announce... he has just been invited to be a senior partner in the firm of Abbott & Abbott in New York.

[ Murmuring, Applause ]

He also, incidentally, takes with him his brilliant partner in law, Natasha.

And I don't think they'll mind, since we're amongst friends, if I say that, someday, this remarkably clever girl... is going to be something else in-law as well!

♪♪[ "Here Comes The Bride"]

I begged him not to say anything. [ Chuckling ]

So I ask you now to charge your glasses once again... to Mark and his Natasha.

[ Together ] To Mark and his Natasha! No!

No!

It's just that... it's such a terrible pity... f-f-for England... to lose such a great legal brain...

Is she pissed? What?

F-F-For the people of England... like me and you... to lose one of our top people.

A... top person, really.

Well, I better dash.

I've got another party to go to.

Loads of single people. Mainly... poofs.

Bye.

♪ Knew the size wasn't right ♪

♪ I was stupid ♪

♪ For a while ♪

♪ Swept away ♪

♪ By you ♪

♪ And now I feel ♪

♪ Like a fool ♪

♪ So confused ♪

♪ My heart's bruised ♪

♪ Was I ever loved by you ♪

♪ Out of reach ♪

♪ So far ♪

♪ I never had your heart ♪

♪ Out of reach ♪

♪ Couldn't see ♪

♪ We were never meant to be ♪

♪ Catch myself ♪

♪ From despair ♪

♪ I could drown if I stay here ♪

♪ Keeping busy ♪

♪ Everyday ♪ [Door Buzzer Buzzes]

♪ I know I will be okay ♪ Yes? [ Together ] Hi! It's us!

♪ So confused ♪ Oh. Great. Come on up.

♪ My heart's bruised♪♪ Have we got the most fantastic surprise for you. You're not going to sing.

Not that fantastic, sadly, no. We've decided to take you to Paris for the weekend.

You can forget about everything, particularly Mark Darcy.

I can't believe you said what you said you said. I know!

There goes my invite to the Darcys' next year.

If he didn't leap over and whip you up in his arms, sod him.

Yes. He's clearly the most dreadful cold fish.

Exactly. I mean, there's been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever actually stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?

No. Not once.

I think we should pack. Passport, Bridget, and pants.

Yep. Pants.

Hurry up, Bridge. We're freezing our bollocks off out here.

Yeah. Just the keys.

I'm stuck! Oh! That's lovely.

Come the fuck on, Bridget.

[Keys Jangling] [Jude] Close the door.

[ Tom] I will close the door! Bridget?

Stop being so bossy!

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to know if you were available for bar mitzvahs and christenings... as well as ruby weddings.

Excellent speech. I thought that you were in America.

Well, yes, I was, but, um, I realized I'd forgotten something back home.

W-Which was?

Well, I realized I'd forgotten to, um, kiss you good-bye.

Do you mind?

Uh, not really, no.

[ Gasps ] So, you're not going to America, then?

No. Not. No.

You're staying here?

So it would seem.

[Hooting, Cheering] [Car Horn Honking]

Friends of yours? [ Laughing ]

Uh, no, I've never seen them before in my life.

Look, are you coming to fucking Paris or not?

Tsk... not.

No fucking room anyway. No.

Maybe we should just go upstairs for a minute.

Yes, very good idea.

[ Tom] There's no room for him either.

Of course she's not coming to Paris. [ Giggling ]

Close it down. Turn this on.

[Car Door Closes]

Uh, give me just a minute.

Um, keep yourself busy. Read something.

Lots of very high-quality magazines... with helpful fashion and romance tips.

I'll be right with you.

[Door Closes]

Definitely an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.


Right.

Right.

[Door Closes]

Mark? Mark?

Mark! Mark!

Oh.

Oh, shit!

Double shit.

Bollocks!

God.

Oh! Wish me luck!

Good luck, crazy girl!

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ Ain't no valley low enough ♪

♪ Ain't no river wide enough ♪

♪ To keep me from you ♪

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

- ♪Ain't no valley low enough ♪ ♪Say it again ♪

♪ Ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you ♪

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ Nothing can keep me ♪ Mark! ♪ Keep me from you ♪

Mark!

[ Gasping ] Damn!

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ Ain't no valley low enough ♪

♪ Say it again♪♪ I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it. I mean, I meant it.

But I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

It's only a diary.

Everyone knows diaries are just full of crap.

I know that. I was just buying you a new one.

Time to make a new start, perhaps.

[ Gasping ]

♪ I've been searching a long time ♪

[ Giggles ]

♪ For someone exactly like you ♪

♪ I've been traveling all around the world ♪

♪ Waiting for you to come through ♪

♪ Someone like you ♪

♪ To make it all worthwhile ♪ Wait a minute.

♪ Someone like you ♪ Nice boys don't kiss like that.

Oh, yes, they fuckin' do. ♪ To keep me satisfied ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you ♪

♪ The best is yet to come ♪

♪ Oh, the best is yet to come ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you♪♪

♪ Have you met Miss Jones ♪

♪ Someone said as we shook hands ♪

♪ She was just Miss Jones ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ And now I've met Miss Jones ♪

♪ And we'll keep on meeting ♪

♪ Till we die ♪

♪ Miss Jones and I ♪

♪ Whoa, thanks ♪


♪ And all at once I lost my breath ♪

♪ And all at once was scared to death ♪

♪ And all at once I owned the earth and sky ♪

♪ And now I've met Miss Jones ♪

♪ And we'll keep on meeting ♪

♪ Till we die ♪

♪ Miss Jones and I ♪

♪ Miss Jones and I ♪

♪ Miss Jones and I ♪

♪ Ha♪♪

♪ I didn't mean to hurt your feelings ♪

♪ It was so careless of me ♪

♪ I guess I've gone and done it ♪

♪ It's just a matter of time ♪

♪ Nothing I can do but tell you I'm sorry ♪

♪ And that's the hardest part of all ♪

♪ 'Cause your love's the killin' kind ♪

♪ Your love's the killin' kind ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'd rather walk on glass ♪

♪ Than see teardrops in your eyes ♪

♪ And I'd fall to pieces just to hold you ♪

♪ The best thing in my life ♪

♪ It's just luck I get to love you ♪

♪ You're the one thing that's right ♪

♪ You're the light in my hell's darkness ♪

♪ 'Cause your love's the killin' kind ♪

♪ Your love's the killin' kind ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I just might cry now ♪

♪ Laydown and die now ♪

♪ You've done it to me ♪

♪ You're puttin' me under ♪

♪ I close my eyes and I sit under the sky ♪

♪ I love you and all its pleasures ♪

♪ Baby, it feels so right my arms won't be of any use at all ♪

♪ If I can't hold you ♪

♪ 'Cause your love's the killin' kind ♪

♪ Your love's the killin' kind♪♪

♪ Not of this earth ♪

♪ You've changed places with the sun ♪

♪ I know that you're the one ♪

♪ I love what we've become ♪

♪ Not of this earth ♪

♪ Not surprised we're unashamed ♪

♪ She's gonna have to change her name ♪

♪ They will know that we're the same ♪

♪ She's not of this earth ♪

♪ And I believe we've seen the worst ♪

♪ If I ever leave this world ♪

♪ You will have a song to sing so you know what you're worth ♪

♪ Not of this earth♪♪