Bringing Down the House (2003) Script

WOMAN: Are you there?

MAN: I'm here.

WOMAN: Help me. My client is going tojail.

MAN: Oh, no, she's not. I think I've got it.

WOMAN: Really?

MAN: Look up Hasson v. Conrad.

Similar circumstantial evidence, case was thrown out.

WOMAN: Legaleagle, thank you.

You are by far the most brilliant mind in this chat room.

MAN: Thank you, Lawyer-girl.

I realize we have certain anonymity here, but do you, by any chance, have a name?

WOMAN: It's Charlene.

MAN: I missed you yesterday.

How was your day?

CHARLENE: Uneventful. I exercised for an hour in the morning, poked around in the yard in the afternoon, and visited with a girlfriend down the block in the evening.

MAN: Sounds innocent enough.

CHARLENE: Don't let my humdrum day fool you now.

I also have a very dark side.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

CHARLENE: Well, I'm 31, with long, flowing locks and an athletic body.

Peter, what do you look like?

PETER: I'm a little older. 6'2".

My hair is... Hmm... It's light.

Uh, it's boyishly light.

(KEYS CLACKING)

And good night to you, Lawyer-girl.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)


(TIRES SCREECH)

Gendler.

Good morning, Mr. Sanderson. Hi.

Morning, Peter. How are you?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Gentlemen.

Oh, good. Peter's here. We can begin.

Okay. On to pressing business.

Word has come to us that coffee heiress, Mrs. Virginia Arness, has dismissed her current tax lawyers.

Virginia Arness, 74 years old, born and raised in Athens, Georgia.

At the age of 13, she was shipped off to boarding school in England, where she's been residing until just recently.

That was only two days ago.

Impressive.

Now, we've all heard that Mrs. Arness has a penchant for thriftiness.

And that she brings new meaning to the term "conservative."

It's not going to be easy.

She's paranoid and suspicious. Peter...

TODD: I'm her guy.

I'm single. I'll give her nights, weekends.

Aren't you getting married on Sunday, Todd?

That's flexible.

And, Peter, I wouldn't want this to interfere with your family's Hawaiian vacation.

You go on. I got it all taken care of.

Mahalo.

Well, that's very admirable of you, Todd.

I mean, your youth definitely makes you an ass...

...et to the company, especially at the annual softball game.

But to an archconservative 74-year-old woman?

What we will do is not charge Mrs. Arness one single red cent for her estate planning.

Why?

Because we don't care about that measly fee.

We use it as a loss leader to get her corporate business, the multibillion-dollar Arness coffee conglomerate.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hmm.

How may I help you, Howie?

Just thought I'd congratulate you on turning it around.

Turning what around?

You snaked Gendler.

Please. Gendler doesn't bother me.

(KEYS CLACKING)

Oh, that's right. He doesn't bother you.

What the heck was I thinking?

Listen, I thought maybe after work you and me go tie one on, maybe check out some of the local talent.

Can't. I'm meeting Mrs. Arness at 6:00.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

And by the way it's, "You and I go tie one on," not "You and me go."

HOWIE: Somebody messaging you here.

Who's Lawyer-girl?

Nobody. Whoa!

Did someone make a blind internet date?

No. I mean, you know, well, technically, but no.

I met her in a legal chat room. She's very classy and smart.

When do you nail her?

I'm courting her tonight at 7:00.

Oh, jeez. You're courting her. Sounds like a hot one.

And this is her? Yeah, she's attractive, isn't she? I suppose. I don't know.

It's not my cup of tea.

What do you... She is universally cute.

She's a little too anemic-looking, Petey.

I like my jello to jiggle, if I'm not being too subtle.

You're not being too subtle.

All right, as long as she spins your knobs, I'm happy for you.

(SIGHS)

Have you nailed anyone since Kate?

Nail... I was supposed to call her.

Sofia, can you get my wife on the phone?

Ex-wife. Ex-wife on the phone?

SOFIA: Right away.

Can't help you with this one, pal. See you later.

(DOOR OPENS)

Peter, you cannot break another promise to these kids.

You can't! You just can't.

I said I couldn't take them to Hawaii. I didn't say I couldn't take them.

They can spend the week with me.

KATE: They are gonna be so disappointed.

I can't talk to you right now.

Um... Daddy can't take you to Hawaii.

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, darn.

He always does this.

(SNIFFS)

Sanderson, party of two.

Oh, you're the last to arrive.

How long has she been here?

Mmm, about 20 minutes.

Was she trouble?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Thank you.

Hello. I'm Peter Sanderson.

Well, I'm glad they didn't send a child.

I told them I specifically wanted someone my own age.

What a wonderful French bulldog.

My mother had one. They make great companions.

(BARKS SHARPLY) What's her name?

His name is William Shakespeare.

Well, of course.

Now, I've heard about your unfortunate escapade.

I don't have escapades.

Fiasco with your previous attorney.

The man was a thieving criminal.

Just because I have a lot of money doesn't give people the right to overcharge.

I do not enjoy being taken advantage of.

Which is why our service is free of charge.

After all, you worked hard for your money.

I'm an heiress.

An heiress who worked hard to keep her money.

Now, shall we get down to business?

Fine.

So, now you may hand over your proposal.

I'll take it with me.

Proposal?

Well, I was expecting to meet with you tomorrow.

I was assured the proposal would be ready for this afternoon.

I see no point in our meeting tomorrow.

Until I... Excuse me. Madam, I'm sorry.

We have a no-dog policy in the lounge.

(WHINING) Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to ask you to remove the dog.

Excuse me. I am Mrs. Arness' attorney, and because there is no sign posted regarding dogs, that means there is no policy toward dogs.

Now, if you want to avoid a legal situation, I would suggest you run to the kitchen and get some tuna tartare for William Shakespeare on the house.

Yes, sir.

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

Where and when tomorrow?

WOMAN: Hello, Mr. Sanderson.

Oh, Mrs. Kline. Always a pleasure.

And when am I going to get to babysit with your charming little Georgey again?

Oh, uh, well, soon, because he just loves coming over to your place.

(LAUGHS) Mr. Sanderson?

Those Latin people who were skulking around...

Oh. They were looking at the Aruda house.

Casing it?

No, to buy it.

(LAUGHING) Oh, please.

If they're in this block and not carrying a leaf blower...

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Well, I'd love to discuss this with you further, but I'm expecting someone.

Oh.


Yeah.

Hey.

(GRUNTING)

Hi.


(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNIFFS)

Yeah.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

(CLEARING THROAT)

I hope you like cham...

...poo.

What's up, baby?

Oh, champagne. I love champagne. This for me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong house.

It is damn good to finally connect.

Pardon me? It's me, fool. Charlene!

Oh! Food.

What? It's me, honey.

Your date. Lawyer-girl.

You can't be. Hey, hey, hey. Leave that alone.

Well, why can't I?

Because you're not a blonde.

Can't get nothing past you. (LAUGHS)

You must be a bomb-ass lawyer.

Oh, look at all of these pretty candles, all romantic and shit.

Somebody was planning on getting some booty tonight.

Hey! Leave that alone. There are settings.

And you can't be Charlene, because Charlene is more of...

Skinny white broad?

Yeah. (LAUGHING)

You know, I get that a lot.

But that's your fault you're thinking that, bro.

You must have not have took a good look at that picture.

I have looked at that picture a lot, and trust me, you are not in it.

Mmm-hmm.

(SUCKING)

Move, move, move. Let me do it, let me do it.

See?

There I am.

Sorry you got it twisted, dog.

I don't get a lot of photo ops where I been.

Where exactly have you been?

Oh, I got a rumble in the jungle.

We still having dinner or what?

I asked you a question.

Rolex. Rolex?

I did time, baby, but I ain't do the crime.

You're a convict?

Bump that.

Shoot, Roscoe cracked that door.

I kicked it off the heezy and bounced. For real, though.

What did you just say?

What, don't you hear good?

All right. Let's see. How can I put this?

I was recently liberated from a correctional facility...

All right. I get it.

You're in the big house, and you get someone to type for you, and you get on the internet, and you misrepresent yourself.

It happens, and I'm a sucker, but now you have to go, because this is over.

Uh-uh. No, no, no, biscuit.

You misrepresented yourself.

Boyishly light... Please! Gray.

You said you was a criminal lawyer. I pulled your file.

You're just some sorry-ass tax attorney.

A tax lawyer is a criminal lawyer.

Oh, yeah?

Well, good, 'cause that's why I'm here.

Well, do tell.

Well, I want to reopen my case.

And what did you do, smoke some homies on a drive-by?

Smoke? Homies?

Well, you're a regular gangster, huh?

No, man. I was in for armed robbery, but I didn't do it.

Yeah, nobody did it.

Now, you have to go... No, I really didn't do it.

I can't be having this conversation because you're a criminal-type. I'm not a criminal!

If I was a criminal, I would have shanked you when we were standing right there and I had that knife in my hand.

Just the fact that you even said that raises a problem for me.

But I didn't think that... It's just time to go.

Please, just listen to me. Just give me one second.

No, I don't have a second.

Okay, look, can I just say something, please?

What? I didn't do the crime.

You rude mother...

(LOCKS CLICKING)

I ain't goin'. Stop!

(SIGHS)

CHARLENE: (SOBBING) It is your baby, Peter, and don't you deny it!

That DNA test told on you!

You lie, Peter!

You know little Kareem is yours!

(WAILING) Why?

How you gonna do me like that, Peter?

You told me I was your beautiful African queen.

And I loved you for that, Peter!

I didn't care if your little thing was curved.

And little Kareem don't want your child support.

He just want a relationship with his white daddy.

A little chocolate vanilla swirl from that magical night at the crack house.

Oh! (GRUNTING)

Come on. Just be quiet!

CHARLENE: Wait just a second. My shoes.

MRS. KLINE: Mr. Sanderson? CHARLENE: Whoa!

MRS. KLINE: Is everything okay?

I thought I heard Negro.

(BUSHES RUSTLING) No.

No Negro spoken here.

Oh.

Well, good night, then.

Oh... Uh...

Good night.

Come on! Come on, come on!

You stay. You stay. You wait right there.

Who you callin'? (PHONE SPEED-DIALS)

The police.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: Police department. Sergeant Panella. Please hold.

What's that? It's all of our e-mails.

You think anybody at Tobias, Kline, and Barnes would be interested in hearing about you looking for boom boom in the federal pen?

And I'll send a photo.

WOMAN: Thanks for holding. Can I help you?

(IMITATING ASIAN LANGUAGE)

Now, this is just for tonight, understand?

All right.

I can work with this.

But look, don't be gettin' no ideas about sneakin' up in here and hittin' this ass, 'cause you blew your chance with this fine sister.

Dare to dream.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Please.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God! A bed!

Oh, a nice, big, cushy bed.

Oh! No roommates, no cellmates...

(LOUD SNORING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

Charlene?

Charlene.

(SNORING CONTINUES)

Charlene! Come on, you're not fooling anybody.

Who that? Who there?

Who want it with Lene?

I put some bagels outside.

I thought we could discuss your case.

Ah!

What up, dog? Where them bagels at?

Hey, guess what, girlfriend? Your game is up.

Because I burned all those e-mails, including the second set I found hidden in the lining of your coat.

And I deleted everything off my computer.

So I never met you, and you never met me.

Don't even try, girlfriend, because it's locked.

And now, I am going to go get my kids, as in innocent young persons who will never even know you were here. So now just go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

And locky locky!

So ta-ta! And watch out. The gate closes automatically.

Well, what about my stuff?

Oh, it's right there on the street.

You put my stuff on the trash?

Oh. (LAUGHS) Well, you know what?

I wish you well. I really do.

And you know what? I had a great, great time.

It was really fun.

So... Oh, well.

I guess I'll just see you in my next life.

Bye! (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Ha-ha. I'll see you when you get home.

ASHLEY: So I said to him, "Just 'cause you whisked me off to Paris on your private jet

"doesn't mean I'm gonna sleep with you."

What does he think I am? A hooker?

SARAH: Can Aunt Ashley edit herself, please?

(SCOFFING)

You stayed in the same room with him. What did you expect?

Hello. It was a suite. Plenty of floor space.

Sweetie pie, have a wonderful time. I love you.

And please be good to your brother and help him with his reading.

I will. Thank you.

Is he still having problems?

Yeah. Oh, he struggles every day, but he's improving.

(GAME BEEPING) Dad's here.

Thank you, sweetie pie.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Daddy's stupid, too, and he became a lawyer.

Ashley! I'm not stupid.

That's right. No, no, no. Of course not.

Hey, Dad's here.

ASHLEY: Speak of the dummy.

Hey, how's my little girl doing, huh?

Hi, Dad. Hey, how's it goin', big guy?

(MOCK GRUNTING) Here you go.

Hi, Kate.

Hi.

Oh, Ashley, I didn't realize you were going to be here.

What a pleasant surprise.

Peter, you're almost aging well.

PETER: Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

I thought we'd go down to the club and we'll all take a swim.

How does that sound?

(MOCKINGLY) Ooh, that sounds much more fun than Maui.

You know, Ashley, not all of us earn our living by milking rich geriatrics out of their money.

Some of us have to work for a living.

Peter, you sound much more intelligent with your mouth shut.

Oh, let's not start this. I don't have time. Kids, go get your stuff.

All right, fine.

But I warned you about marrying the first jerk-off you met out of college.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date.

Don't be good.

What morgue did you find this one at?

Stop being so childish.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey.

Wow! You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Hi.

Peter, this is Glen.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Sanderson. Nice to see you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Uh... What do you say we get this road on the show?

Okay.

I will meet you outside. Okay.

Road on the show. Just don't.

How old is he? (SIGHS) Younger.

What does he do? Golf instructor.

How do you know that? What?

Well, you think you know somebody, and then one day you wake up in Thailand, missing a kidney.

I mean, he could have made up this whole golf identity.

He caddied for you when he was 14.

That's little Glenny?

Does that bother you?

Not at all. Go have fun on your statutory weekend.

(SIGHS)

This does too bother you. I know you.

Do you want to talk about it? Well, look...

I mean, it just looks a little silly. (CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hang on. Hello?

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Some things never change.

I can't talk right now.

Well, put him on.

Hi.

You promised us you'd take us snorkeling.

Things come up. That's life.

I know. I'm really, really sorry. I really am.

But now, it's over. It's new. We're gonna have a lot of fun.

Now, what's new? What's new with you?

Well, I got the female lead in the school play, Oklahoma!

Hey, that's great. Congratulations.

And how about you, big guy? How's school?

I don't like school.

Well, nobody likes school, but come on, there must be something you like about it. Come on, one thing.

He got into a fight the other day.

Why? Why? Why'd you get in a fight?

Some kids called me a baby 'cause of the way I read.

Hey, some of the greatest minds of all time had trouble learning, like Edgar Allan Poe and Albert Einstein.

And Ozzy Osbourne.

(LAUGHS) Ozzy rules.

PETER: Ozzy rules. Okay.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Dad, what's going on?

You two wait here. I'll be right back.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey! Whoa, whoa.

Where you think you're goin', milk?

This here's a charitable event.

You wants to get in, you gots to make a donation.

Trust me, it is off the hook in there.

Off the what? I live here.

I don't care if you're Halle Berry, man.

No donation, no entry.

How about if I call the police?

(SPEED-DIALING)

Have a nice time.

(WATER SPLASHING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(RAP SONG PLAYING)

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, baby, show me...

Hey! What the hell is going on here?

Oh, yo, P., it's cool.

See, I hit up my homegirl

'cause I had to get my hair done, as we both know.

And then she called a friend.

They go holler to some other friends.

Before you know it, we got us a house party.

I want everyone out of here now!

People!

Loosen your panties, grandma.

Look, you lock me out, no money, no place to go.

I mean, a girl got to get her cheese on. Seven.

(PLAYERS EXCLAIM IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

This is insane!

My boss' sister lives across the street.

I can't have all these peop...

Hey!

Give me a hard seven, baby. (ALL CHEERING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

She doesn't even have her driver's permit.

Dad.

Do not go...

Roll!

Come on. Don't inhale.

All right, now. Go on and toss them bones, lil' man.

Hey! Give me... I'm on a roll, Dad.

(ALL CHEERING)

Get out.

I want you and your dogs to go back to the pound now.

What?

Well, it was the dogs?

Because she said dogs, and then I said dogs, so I assumed that would be okay.

Huh?

(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(SIGHS)

Bye, Tamika. Y'all be good now. Bye.

Hey, hey. Y'all got to go.

All right. That's all right.

Hey, baby, gonna go.

Oh, bye, Bear. Thank you so much.

Party's over. Okay. Thanks for coming.

But that's it. It's over.

Now, if I see Widow around, I'm gonna tell him you're out.

You know he wants to know that.

I don't know about that. I'll see you.

Okay. Bye, baby. Bye-bye.

MAN: It's like this...

WOMAN: Hey. What's up? MAN: How you doin', neighbor?

What are you still doing here?

What was all that, Dad? Dad, who's this?

This is no one.

(CLICKS TONGUE) What's up, lil' Romeo?

My name is Charlene. What's your name?

I'm Georgey...

You cannot meet a nonexistent person.

SARAH: Can Charlene come to the club?

Club? What club?

We're not going to a club, remember?

We're going to Hawaii, remember?

Okay, you know the routine. Outski!

Come on, out! Let's go. Come on, man!

Sarah, get the door. Come on. Out.

Out, out, out!

(GRUNTING) Wait!

What?

Give me my money, lil' boy.

That money should go to charity! (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

What did... Hey, I live here.

Yeah!

What?

Okay, you guys.

You know, you order hot dogs, and you splash and frolic and just put everything on my account and just have fun.

Didn't you bring your bathing suit?

Oh, no. I've got a... I'm having tea with a client.

But I will be right back.

Whatever you say.

Want to go swimming?

With you? Forget you.

Ow!

How's it looking?

Well, I was up all night proofing.

It's absolutely brilliant.

And you've got the cleanest background check I've ever seen.

That background check cost me a lot of fun in my life.

(JEWELRY RATTLING)

MAN: I don't know, honey.

Don't say anything. She could hear you.

What's crackin', ma?

I'm lookin' for the Sanderson table. We old college buddies.

(STUTTERING) Okay. He's in the dining room. I'll show you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I tell you what. I'll surprise him.

No, you're in great shape, Petey. I'm gonna take off.

All right, you're right. Nothing could go wrong.

I've done this a million times with important clients, so I'm fine.

Shazam! What?

Oh, no.

Oh, swing it, you cocoa goddess.

Cocoa goddess? That's the rude shock I was telling you about.

That's Charlene?

Did she see me?

Okay, okay, okay, police.

No. Won't get here fast enough.

Security.

No, she could probably take him.

I said I I'm a little dangerous Girl, I'd love to show ya Show ya My jungle love Whoo! Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh Yeah Money!

She'll take money.

Hi, hi. Here, just... Here's... Whatever.

And there's more where that came from if you just leave now.

No. Uh-uh, boyfriend. We got business.

Boyfriend?

Oh, didn't I tell you? Yeah, we're dating now.

Look, it's some kind of street talk.

It's street for, "I'm not going nowhere until you help my problem go away."

Look, Mrs. Arness, a very important client, is due here any minute.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Mr. Sanderson?

Oh, yes. He's in the dining room.

Thank you.

Charlene, how about you and I havin' a smart cocktail down by the pool? What do you say?

Who is this fool? Hey, you know what?

That's a good idea. Whatever you want, just put it on my bill.

I don't want no smart cocktail. I need your help.

Miss. (SNAPS FINGERS)

Another martini.

Oh, hell, no. I know she ain't talkin' to me.

Ashley, she doesn't work here.

If she isn't here to work, then what is she here for?

Oh, hells no, Miss Thing. You best pump your brakes.

Listen, she's my ex-wife's sister. I would have killed her myself years ago.

(GASPS) It's Mrs. Arness!

Mmm. Old Iron Ass be lookin' mean.

Yes, yes. You have to go.

You like raw oysters, Charlene?

Yeah. I guess I can hang out for a bit.

They got any hot wings around here?

All right, all right. Whatever you want. Yes, yes, yes.

You give me a place to stay? Yes.

And you work on my case? Around the clock.

And I'll leave when you expunge my record.

Consider it expunged.

All right. I'd like a key, please.

(GRUNTS)

Mr. Sanderson? Mrs. Arness.

Who is your associate?

This is Howie Rottman, the attorney I told you about.

A great pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Arness.

I meant her.

Oh.

Her? Her?

Her is... Her...

She is our... our nanny.

Dad, I'm bored.

Kids, how good to see you.

Don't we just love our nanny, Charlene?

Uh... Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah.

Don't you just love being our nanny, Charlene?

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Yes, sir.

(LAUGHS)

Now I'm gonna go on down to the pool with the children.

Maybe we make fun of the white folks again, huh, kids?

Oh, the kids just love her.

What a sense of humor. Yeah.

You know, Peter, I'm going to hang by the pool.

If you need me, that's where I'll be. Mmm-hmm.

Mrs. Arness.

Right this way, Mrs. Arness. Come, William.

You have the papers? Oh, yes, yes, I do.

Strange clothes for a nanny.

Well, it's a fashion to kids.

(WILLIAM GROWLING) Whoa!

William, mind.

MRS. KLINE: Hello, Sanderson family!

(LAUGHS)

Georgey, don't forget poker night!

I won't.

How could I forget poker night?

(LAUGHS)

GLEN: I propose a toast.

Okay. Mmm-hmm.

To us.

May we always...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Mmm. Sorry. It's mine.

Oh, you're not gonna answer that, are you?

Well, it might be... Might be one of my kids.

Just one minute.

Sorry.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Oh, hi, Ashley. Everything okay?

I don't know.

I saw Peter hanging out at the club today.

He was mingling with a large black woman.

What? What are you talking about?

He said it was his nanny.

She didn't look like any nanny I'd ever seen. She was all...

Tattooed and banjee and welfare-ish.

It was... (LAUGHING)

Oh, is that funny to you? Is that funny?

(LAUGHING)

Am I funny to you?

No, no. That's not funny.

Were you laughing at me?

Oh, I wasn't... (GIGGLES) Stop. Get away.

No, I wasn't laughing at you.

Just... Hang on.

You know, look, I know Peter. I know him.

He's not gonna spend all his time taking care of the kids.

He went and hired somebody!

Seriously, Kate! This woman was no nanny.

You need to do something.

I saw this woman. I was there, you weren't.

Shouldn't you at least be looking at references?

Thank you. Thank you.

Listen, Peter is nothing if not responsible.

It's not like he's gonna hire a convicted felon.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Oh!

Okay, let's see. We got resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, repeated attempts at eye-gouging, and scrotum crushing.

Well, I was a little riled up, being framed and all.

And your clothes and ID were found at the scene.

All plants. I never robbed nobody!

Okay.

I know my rights. I get an appeal.

I get an appeal! No.

You only get an appeal if you were convicted and incarcerated.

You were released.

Look, why don't you just start over?

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Go back to school and get at least a passing familiarity with the English language.

I mean, it's no end to what you can accomplish with a little commitment.

My daughter, Sarah, is fully committed, and she's going places.

Oh, she's goin' places, all right.

HOWIE: So, it's a charitable remainder trust.

That way, the old tightwad gets a huge deduction every year.

(TELEPHONE BEEPS)

No more calls, Sofia.

SOFIA: It's not a call. There's someone here...

CHARLENE: Girl, get out!

(SOFIA AND CHARLENE ARGUING)

Send her in.

Bet you know me now, huh?

This couldn't wait until tonight?

Well, well, well! Come in, have a seat, spend some time.

Thanks, homeboy, and, no, it can't wait. You gotta check this out.

What is it? I found the deposition.

The prosecution interviewed an eyewitness, and she told them that the perpetrator didn't have a tattoo on the chest.

They never told my lawyer about this shit.

That's withholding exculp... Exculpatory evidence.

People v. Stanley, I know.

How do you know that?

Why wouldn't she know that? She's got it goin' on.

Damn, Pete, all I did in there was read law books.

And with comprehension.

Made you think I was a lawyer.

I mean, you obviously have pockets of intelligence.

So, why do you walk and talk and act the way you do?

Because it's sexy.

(SCOFFS) It ain't actin'!

This is who I am.

I mean, you think I can't talk like you?

(IN REFINED ACCENT) Oh, Peter, I absolutely love what you've done with the place!

It's so sterile, so bland, so wonderful!

See? You can do it.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Oh, you like that, huh?

Well, you can kiss my natural black ass, because I don't need your approval.

No, she don't need your approval.

Hey, you don't think I compromise the way I act?

You think I like walking around like an uptight honky?

Yes. I know your lingo.

(TELEPHONE BEEPS)

SOFIA: Peter, Mr. Tobias is coming to see you.

Oh, God.

Well, this should be interesting.

Uh-oh. What we gotta do, play "hide the sister"?

Or do I gotta do that slave thing again?

Just... Just act natural.

Let's get her out of here. Right. Why don't we get her out?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Peter. Howie.

Ed.

Who is this?

Uh... This is the...

Well, we were just having... Well, Mr. Sanderson, I can see you are very busy. A very busy man you are.

That's why I really appreciate you offering your services free of charge.

Oh, I... Well, I just... Gosh.

(CHUCKLES) Peter...

She is... Well, see, Mr. Sanderson here, being the heavenly man that he is...

God bless you!

Oh, you got that anointing on you.

...has offered to do the taxes for the Compton Evangelistic Episcopal Baptist Church of South Central.

(CHUCKLES) You know, just anything to help Reverend Shack Tillfont.

Just call him Shack.

Shack.

Well, anyway, I'll let you guys go.

I'll see you at choir rehearsal on Thursday.

Thursday. Okay. 7:00, now!

(SINGING) He got the whole world in his hands...

I'll escort Mrs. Shack Tillfont to the elevator. Gentlemen.

TOBIAS: Peter, we're really in a crunch.

I just got word that another firm's in the running for the R&S account.

We need to close this deal.

Look...

I have no problem being Peter's wingman on this one.

Oh, well, thanks anyway, but I really have it under control, so, you don't have to worry about a thing, Ed.

Good. Then I'll expect you to wrap it up in a day or two.

Well, that's the plan, certainly.

(CHUCKLES)

Well.

Could you...

Sure. Thank you.

Thank you.

She can't tee up her own ball?

I've been playing this game for many years.

That's what it feels like.

And it's all about patience.

PETER: Well, you beat me by 19.

MRS. ARNESS: Let's make it 20.

PETER: All right.

Mrs. Arness, I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my house on Thursday and possibly look over the contract.

MRS. ARNESS: I'll have to check with my secretary, Julia.

Mrs. Arness, would you excuse me for a minute?

I just have to check on my children.

Oh, of course. You do that.

I'd like to dip you in Cheez Whiz and spread you over a Ritz Cracker, if I'm not being too subtle.

(CHUCKLES) Boy, you are some kind of freaky.

Oh, you have no idea.

You got me straight trippin', boo.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, what are you doing here?

What does it look like? I'm on a date.

On a date.

She's on a date? She's a felon.

Hey, what is she doing here? I am not a felon.

Get used to it, Twiggy.

You're gonna be seeing a lot more of me around here.

Not without a broom in your hand.

If I have a broom, it's only 'cause I'm here to sweep up the white trash.

Save it for the YMCA, Jemima.

Bitch! I'm gonna kick the bulimia out of your ass!

Have you ever had a tempered moment?

Why don't you go back to the vodka bottle you crawled out of?

Mrs. Arness is here.

I am sheltering you. I'm helping you.

Remember, I helped you... All right!

I'll let it ride.

All right. Thank you for letting it ride. That is wise and mature.

Now, just get her walking that way.

Let me show you the place, Charlene.

Looking good, Lois!

Hey, freak boy...

I'm gonna make myself a little more luscious for you, okay?

I'll be right back.

Okay, precious.

What are you doing in here?

I told you you was gonna be seein' more of me, right?

Look, I came here to warn you.

You keep disrespecting me, and it's gonna get rough around here.

Back off, shaniqua.

You don't scare me. You know what? That's it.

You must need a little more eye shadow, right? Come on!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

How can it be permissible?

You've messed with the wrong W.A.S.P., bitch.

She's anything but typical

She's a craze you'd endorse She's a powerful force You're obliged to conform when there's no other course She used to look good to me But now I find her

Simply irresistible Compliments of Tae Bo, two hours a day, five days a week.

Simply irresistible

(GRUNTING)

Simply irresistible She's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went Simply irresistible She's all mine There's no other way to go Whoa

Hmm?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GURGLING)

Compliments of the hood, 24 hours a day, all my life.

Our lives are indivisible Yeah, yeah She's a craze you'd endorse She's a powerful force You know, for a skinny white ho, you're pretty tough.

Well, she used to look good to me But now I find her

Simply irresistible She's so fine, there's no tellin'...

(YELLS)

Simply irresistible

And I don't ever want to have this conversation again!

(JAW CRACKING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HUMMING)

"The girl had dou..."

"...ble..."

"...double D-cups."

There you go. You got it, lil' man. (CHUCKLES)

"I put my mouth on her nip..."

CHARLENE: "...ples." What is that?

What are you doing letting him read th...

He read. You read.

Georgey, you read.

I'm gonna kill you! I am so proud of you. I'm turning you in!

(SCOFFS) I found it in your drawer.

Well, I am a grown man of 54... 41... 49 years old, and he's eight, and what I read in the privacy of my...

How'd you do it?

Oh, God, I'm never gonna get this done.

Look, the boy don't look carefully at the details in a word, so most of the time he's just guessin'.

What you got to do is just slow it down and give him somethin' stimulatin' to read.

Dad? What's a rack?

It's a country.

Well...

I was just doin' it 'cause he was botherin' me.

Well, either way...

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Can you get rid of this?

All right, just put it back in my room, 'cause I'll get rid of it, 'cause I have a special...

Well, Mrs. Kline, how wonderful to see you.

Come in! It's girls' poker night at the house.

Where's my little dealer?

Well, just wait right here, and I will just go get him.

Georgey, Mrs. Kline is here!

Hi, Mrs. Kline.

Come on, Georgey!

Tonight, I'm gonna teach you to bluff. (CHUCKLING)

(MUFFLED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

And I think we need to comb your hair differently.

You look like a fag.

I'm not a fag! I didn't say you were.

Hello. BOY: Hi. How are you?

Oh, good evening, sir.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dad, I don't want you to freak out, okay?

Why would I freak out?

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

Dad, this is Aaron.

Hi.

Hello. How do you do, sir?

I'm so glad to actually meet you.

I told Sarah that it was very important that you feel comfortable with me taking her to my parents' for dinner.

So, this is a date?

Oh, um, I'll have her home by 11:00 at the latest, sir?

I guess that'd be all right.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SIGHS)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

All right. Did it work?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, like a charm, my friend.

All right. Let's party.

Hey, watch the seats.

All right. Oh, shut up.

No, I'm serious. It's leather.

Hmm.

Well, look at you, all growed up.

There's nothing to eat in the house.

Yeah. You comin' to a point?

Well, I'm hungry. Are you?

You askin' me out?

Well, no, I'm not.

Yes, I am.

Okay.

You know, uh Every time I see you walkin' by You're so fine, you make me want to cry That's how I feel Girl, you know it's real You don't have to look nowhere Girl, I'll be right here Baby...

Oh, look at the legs on this wine.

I'm telling you, this place is bangin'.

Don't you just mean, "This is nice"?

Why the word "bangin"' make you so uptight?

You know something? You're smart, if you'd just deign to speak English, with what you learned on the internet and in prison, you could be a paralegal tomorrow.

Oh, please! Like they gonna be beatin' down my door to let me in school.

As a matter of fact, you're exactly the kind of person they want.

Well, why would I want to do that, anyway?

I've been to your office.

Everybody's all uptight, overworked, tired, stressed-out, don't see their family.

"Ooh, Ed is comin'." "Ooh, Tobias."

I get a wedgie just walking in your office.

Hey, it's what people do. They work.

Look, all I'm sayin' is I did the confinement thing for four years.

Now, if you're so concerned with my future, just help me clear my name.

I got it from there.

I got my own dreams, my own goals.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hey, give it to me. Hey! What'd you do that for?

'Cause you work too much.

This is my phone!

That's probably why your wife left your sorry ass.

Okay, Oprah, if you're so good at relationships, how come you don't have a boyfriend?

I had one.

It's just I haven't seen or heard from him since I went in four years ago.

Were you in love with him?

(SINGING) Mmm, mmm Ooh, ooh, ooh Yeah, yeah Whoo!

Captured effortlessly That's the way it was Come on, let's go dance. (LAUGHS) No.

Come on. When is the last time you danced?

At my wedding.

Don't worry, I can dance. It's just that I don't wanna.

Come on, smooth. Show me what you're workin' with. Come on.

I can dance. I just don't want to dance.

Man, you can't dance.

Well, I got moves.

Let me see.

All right, all right.

Okay, one last little drink here.

Ain't nobody Oh Loves me better Makes me happy What, you got to pee?

This was big in high school.

Man, look, you can't dance from your brain.

You gotta feel it. Now, come on.

Show me how you made them kids.

Makes me feel this way Ooh What the hell... How's this?

That's great for an epileptic. Come on, now.

You gotta move your pelvis with it.

More hips. There you go.

Get smooth with it.

I can't resist this sweet surrender Well, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I miss him.

Oh, snap out of it, already.

I'm snapped. I'm snappy.

And what we see is no surprise

Oh, God, Ash.

I still can't believe you were hit by a car.

Did you call a lawyer?

Oh, I can't talk to a lawyer. I was jaywalking.

So, can we just stop...

What? Oh, my God.

(GASPS) What?

Look at that!

Oh, my God, it's true. Look at that! Look at that!

He never danced like that with me.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

No! Sit!

Why?

I can't tell you.

If I talk about it, gangster people will come to my house and cut me.

Oh.

Oh, he almost looks like a fun person.

(SOBBING) Must have been me.

Was it me?

No. Stop beating yourself up. It's him.

Can we just get out of here? Now?

(SNIFFLES) You know what they say...

Once you go black, you never go back.

(SOBBING)

Can we get the check, please?

(SNIFFLING)

I feel like no one could feel I must be dreamin'

I want this dream to be real I need this feelin'

I make my wish upon a star And hope this night will last forever Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Ain't nobody Nobody Loves me better No one to love me Makes me happy Yeah Makes me feel this way Ain't nobody

And that's why I worked so hard, so I could give Kate a good life, then it backfired!

Man, bitches don't care nothin' about that shit.

Oh, bitches do too care.

I'm gonna tell you a secret...

Sometimes I drive by our old house and I just look at it and I just remember our life and it just hurts!

Man, that is so pathetic, P. Diddy.

What? But you know what?

I'm gonna help you get her back. How?

Well, first, we gotta create a mood.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Just like at the restaurant, baby. Ooh.

I'm already there.

Yeah. Now, feel the Barry.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Feel Barry White.

See? Talk like Barry.

Okay, that's Barry. Yeah.

This is Kate.

Hey, Kate. Yeah.

I want you to talk nasty to her!

Talk nasty!

(SLURRED) I'd like to kiss you a lot.

Cut that sensitive shit, Nancy Boy! What?

You gotta be a beast! A beast!

Yeah!

In the bedroom, a woman wants a man that knows how to ride her when she bucks.

Ride 'em when she bucks! Ride 'em! That's right.

It's just... I can't. It's a sculpture. I just can't.

All right, okay.

Use me, then.

Huh?

Damn it, grab these.

What? Grab 'em!

Oh!

Oh, I get it, yeah.

Hey, Kate. Uh-huh.

Yeah, you've been waitin' for this for a while, huh?

That's right. Now, what you gonna do to her?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!

I'm gonna give you an aromatherapy massage with incense!

No! Come on, now!

Wimps give aromatherapy massages! Tell her again!

All right!

I'm gonna have sexual intercourse, baby!

No, you... You a beast! You need some of these.

Yeah. Cojones grandes!

Yeah! I'm gonna put 'em in my pants!

Get in there, boys! Now, grab 'em!

Grab 'em. Yeah, hey, baby! Grab 'em!

Now, what you gonna do? What you gonna do?

Yeah, mama! You gonna be my tawdry little woman?

Damn right! Now get to humpin'!

Ya-hoo! Whoa!

How about that, huh? (LAUGHS) Yeah!

How would you like me to pounce on you like a lion from above? I like it! I like it!

Yo! That's what I'm talkin'!

You ain't just no king of the jungle, you own that jungle!

That's your pride!

You own that jungle, and ain't no one gonna come around and mess with your pride!

(YELLS)

That's right! I like that.

Yeah! You ain't ready for that shit! Come on, now!

Be a beast! What you gonna do when she starts ridin', huh?

I'll take care of her! That's what I'm gonna do!

Uh-huh! Uh-huh! You're mine, Kate!

Ride that lightning rod! You don't need these no more.

You got your own! You found your balls!

Yeah, I don't need those balls! I got my own balls!

Mandingo!

What goes on in your personal life is none of our business, but if it begins to affect the firm, we need to call attention to it.

Guys, we were moving a statue, and we lost our footing, and we fell.

My sister's under the impression that you were humping your nanny.

I was not humping my nanny!

Peter, surely you understand that if Mrs. Arness were to suspect any instability on your part...

There is no instability in my home.

WIDOW: You sure you can trust this guy?

CHARLENE: Well, hey, he's helping me reopen my case.

Y'all got any leads?

Well, a still from the bank surveillance camera is on its way here, and we found a deposition that could help.

Well, that's cool, baby.

If there's anything I can do to help, anything, you just holler.

I gotta run.

Hey, Widow, if you meant what you just said, it's not gonna be an easy job.

WIDOW: I know it ain't.

CHARLENE: I just gotta know that if things get rough, you're not gonna run out on me.

WIDOW: I've been waitin' four years for this.

I ain't gonna mess up.

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

Ooh!

Planning another heist?

No. Why would you say that?

I don't know.

Maybe it was hearing the words "job" and "hot" bandied between two tattooed people?

Peter, that was just my old boyfriend I told you about. Widow.

He's just tryin' to get back with me.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm tellin' you the truth!

Look, I just didn't want you to see him, because Widow, he ain't been the best boyfriend, and I knew he'd be all over me.

Now you suddenly care what I think?

No.

Maybe.

A little bit.

(SIGHS)

No more late visits?

Word.

Convicted felon's honor?

Innocent convicted felon's honor.

Now, give me some dap, right there on the edge.

What do I do?

Right there, and then come up here like that.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Pow, like that.

Hello? Yeah? SARAH: Dad!

Hey, sweetie. (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Is Charlene there?

Yeah, she's here. Do you want to talk to her?

You okay? Yeah, I am.

All right.

Sarah? Okay. Girl talk.

What up, dog?

I need you to come pick me up. I can't talk about it right now.

Where you at?

I'm on the corner of Venice and Canal, and there's a whole lot of people out front.

Please don't tell my dad! All right.

No, just calm down. I'm comin' to get you.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

I'm sorry. I didn't know who else to call.

It's cool. What's goin' on?

AARON: Hey, Sarah, what have you been up to? (LAUGHS)

Is that your boyfriend?

No, he's not my boyfriend.

I liked his friend, Mike. Mmm.

And we hung out a few times, and he was always really nice, but then, all he wanted to do tonight was have sex.

I mean, he moved in kind of rough, and...

He got rough with you? Where he at? I've never...

He went back there with that group.

Go wait downstairs.

Yo, Mike!

Please, don't kill me!

Oh, God!

What are you, crazy?

Pull me up! What do you want?

Sarah!

Mike has somethin' to say to you. Say "sorry"!

I'm sorry! Say "sorry"!

I'm sorry! God, I'm sorry!

Say, "No means no."

No means no!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

She was where?

Calm down. It's just...

She is 14! She's 15! Wait!

(STUTTERS) Oh!

Look. Sarah don't need a warden.

She needs her father. You.

So you can't get mad, all right?

You do it, she'll never tell you anything again.

All right. I get it. I get it.

Just be cool. Just play it cool, you know what I mean?

Just listen to her. Let her do the talkin'.

I am listening to you!

Thank you.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Don't trip.

(DOOR CLOSES)

So...

You went out with a boy and he took you to a party where kids were drinking and trippin' on E.

And then he took you up to a room where he tried to get all up in that.

Which he didn't?

And then Charlene came in my new car and brought you home after first bitch-slapping him.

Well...

That was some night.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Dad!

(LAUGHS)

I can't believe you're not killing me! No.

Oh! This is so great! I want everything out in the open!

Oh. Oh, I have so much more to tell you!

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(GROANING)


Kate, what are you doing here?

(STAMMERS) What are you doing here?

It's my shortcut home from work.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. Is not.

I thought you were in the mountains.

Well, yeah, I came back early.

There were bears that were mauling the campers and eating them.

Wow.

But other than that nothing went wrong with your...

Oh, no, no. He's great.

Yeah, I liked him.

So, how's your...

My what?

Your life?

Anything hip and new?

No.

Um, I'm having a good time with the kids though.

Good. Glad you're having fun with her.

Them.

(SCOFFS) What?

You look, um... Yeah.

Rested. (SCOFFS)

Nice. You look nice.

So, um, I guess I'll come by later and pick up the kids.

Oh, I was wondering if I could keep them through Friday.

Really? You're not too busy?

No.

Well, yes, it's okay.

It's wonderful, Peter.

You know, if you wanted to come... (CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Go ahead.

Sorry.

Hello?

CHARLENE: Yo, get your butt home, dog.

I will be home in my own sweet time, girlfriend.

No. You gotta come now.

Arness said she on her way over here.

Oh, I forgot all about that.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go.

I just forgot about something, but I want to continue this conversation, so I will call you, or you can call me on my cell.

Bye! Uh-huh.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(CAR RETREATS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(EMERGENCY BRAKE ENGAGES)

Is she here yet? No!

The place is a mess!

(KEYS CLATTERING)

We gotta clean this place up!

(BEEPS)

Hey, get upstairs and get ready!

Come on. And what are you reading?

Get up there! Go, go, go! Go, go!

Hey, yo, P., while we got this minute... What minute?

...there's somethin' I really been meanin' to tell you...

Well, you'll have to wait.

Kids! She's here!

Mrs. Arness? Oh!

I'll get right to the point, Mr. Sanderson.

There are rumors circulating that your personal life and your home are in disarray, and this makes me feel very unsettled.

I don't know who misinformed you, but please, come in.

I'd hate to think you're under any misapprehension about me or my family.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Sarah? Georgey?

You remember Mrs. Arness?

So lovely to see you again.

Um, Father, when you have a moment, would you mind helping me with my report on Queen Victoria?

Sure, kitten.

And don't forget, Pop, tomorrow you have to come to school and help hand out the food to the poor kids.

Have I ever forgotten to help the poor kids?

No, Pop. Never.

(INAUDIBLE)

In truth, Mr. Sanderson, you have a lovely home.

Thank you.

And your children are very well-behaved.

They're angels. (CHUCKLES)

(WHINES) MRS. ARNESS: Oh, William.

Oh, look!

He's even taken a fancy to your boy.

(LAUGHS) That's so sweet.

Anyway, we can go to the den and get the contracts...

What is that heavenly smell?

(SNIFFS) Ah, that would be Charlene preparing dinner.

Anyway, the contracts... Do you know, I haven't smelled home cooking like that since I was a child.

Really? Anyway...

Brings back such happy memories.

Does it? Anyway, actually, the den is closer...

MRS. ARNESS: Your table looks so inviting.

Yes. It's too bad it's so small.

Small?

Well, actually, it's big, isn't it?

It's a big table, so...

There would be room for one more.

Oh, well, if it's not an imposition.

Oh. Oh.

Well, let me just go check if there's enough food.

(STAMMERING) I'm not... I'm not sure, because, uh, actually, this is the night of, uh, Yiminum, the, uh... The holiday where white people eat very little portions because that was the night the Lord came down and he was given food, and there was just too much and he said, "No."

And so, he had a smaller portion, and that's why we might not have enough.

So, I'll just go check on what the Lord would say.

Just one second.

SARAH: Come here, William.

Hey, come here.

GEORGEY: Are you hungry?

Charlene, if there was ever a time I needed a favor, it's now.

Okay. You got it, baby. Anything.

Oh, thank you!

Oh. Mrs. Arness?

Yes? Oh, yes. Ah...

(SIGHS)

My family and I are pleased to invite you for dinner.

Yeah, oh.

Well, very well. I wasn't expecting this.

Uh, but if you insist.

And then afterwards, we can sign the contracts.

Of course.

CHARLENE: Dinner is served.

MRS. ARNESS: I was raised in the South, you know.

That smells just like our Ivy's jambalaya.

She was so wonderful.

We paid her nothing, of course, you know.

But then, people had standards of service in those days.

And, of course, Ivy did know that you serve from the left and collect from the right.

Don't...

...stop at that story, because I love hearing about your past.

That is fascinating.

(SNAPS)

Oh, yes.

Well, anyway, as I was saying...

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Yeah. "Fast-acting." Fast-acting.

Ooh, I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

Uh-huh. I'll serve your food right.

Was it the left? Was it the right?

Father's work with the Pasadena Republican Youth Group has truly been invaluable.

I hope y'all brought y'all appetites.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes.

I brought mine.

Oh, my goodness.

This is much too much for me.

I'll never get through all that.

I have a little less here. I'll trade with you.

Oh.

Thank you.

What, Charlene?

(SIGHS)

Nothing, sir.

Oh.

MRS. ARNESS: Oh, this food is so delicious.

Serves him right, anyway, makin' me wear this stinkin' outfit.

MRS. ARNESS: You're very lucky to have found such talented help.

Well, our Ivy was with us for so long, we really thought of her as one of the family.

Mmm.

And after every meal, my mother would scrape all the food we hadn't eaten and put it on one big plate and give it to Ivy.

(GULPS)

Charlene, what is that particular taste? I...

It is... It's familiar, yet...

Is it some kind of herb like sage?

No, it's sort of more like a milk of mint.

Milk of... Whatever it is, the taste is explosive.

Mmm.

Well, good, then. Enjoy.

MRS. ARNESS: Oh, just one moment.

Uh, you know, uh, there's a lovely, sad Negro spiritual...

(COUGHS)

...that Ivy's brother used...

Are you all right?

Anyway, Ivy's brother used to sing this when he came in from the tobacco fields.

Hmm, Mama Is Master going to sell us tomorrow?

Yes Mama Is Master going to sell us tomorrow?

Yes Mama Is Master going to sell me tomorrow?

(DISHES SHATTERING)

Yes, yes Go watch And pray Now, there's a second verse, if you'd like to join in the chorus.

Mama Mmm (STOMACH GURGLES)

Is Master going to sell us in Georg...

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

Huh.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES) That's an unusual feeling.

(LAUGHING)

(GURGLING INTENSIFIES)

(GRUNTS) Dad? Are you okay?

Huh! Hmm.

(CHUCKLES) Ha, ha!

Halle...

Hallelujah

(LAUGHING FORCEFULLY)

Whoa!

(DOOR CLOSES)

I hope your father's all right. Does this happen often?

Well, if you'll excuse us.

Georgey, let's go watch that biography on Francis Drake.

(SIGHS)

He seemed to be so moved by that song.

Oh, he movin', all right.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(GROWLS)

MAN ON TV: And tonight's top story... William?

The FBI needs your help in finding fugitive at large, Charlene Morton.

Charlene is an African-American female, 31 years of age...

(SNEEZES)

What is it?

And 5'6", 175 pounds, with a tattoo on her left breast.

Convicted of armed robbery, Charlene is considered cunning and highly dangerous.

(SILVERWARE CLANKS)

Having escaped from the Women's Correctional Facility outside Los Angeles a mere six days ago, Morton is suspected to be armed.

This bank surveillance tape shows Charlene wielding a gun and holding a customer hostage.

Charlene is considered dangerous and may be armed.

If you have any information concerning Charlene Morton, please contact your local FBI office.

That's it for tonight's edition of Criminals at Large.

Good night and be safe.

PETER: Mrs. Arness, I can explain everything.

Pete, before you lose it, just let me explain, okay?

There's nothing to say.

But I didn't do it, Pete.

You have to get out.

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS)

All right. I'll get my stuff.


I don't understand. You saw her and where is she?

I don't know where she is.

(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Don't drop the soap.

What the hell does that mean?

I just don't believe this, Peter. I'm worried about her.

I hate the fact that she's out there all alone.

You're worried about the poor, innocent, frail creature who can hardly take care of herself on the street?

What about me? Tobias is gonna fire me!

Oh, and another goody, if Arness calls the cops, I could go to jail!

Here's the local number for the Bureau.

The FBI takes harboring a fugitive very seriously.

You gentlemen will be the first to hear from me.

Arness didn't call the cops, she called the FBI.

Now, you haven't seen me. I have seen you.

No, I mean, you haven't seen me.

I'm looking right at you, Peter. What are you... What... What... Peter!

If you do hear from her, please tell her the cool points are out the window and...

She's got me all twisted up in the game.

Why you messin' with Lene?

I'm not messing with her, I'm helping her.

Bullshit!

Ugh! (HORN HONKS)

(GROANS) I'm telling you the truth!

Listen up. You do not reopen this case.

From now on, I'm handlin' it for her.

I'm not gonna reopen the case. The case is closed.

Why would I... Stay out of her life.

If I got to come back here, things are gonna get bloody.

Ugh! (HORN HONKS)

Maybe I should just finish this now.

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We have to find Charlene.

I thought you hated Charlene.

I found out she's innocent.

I knew it. I knew it.

Where am I gonna find her?

Well, you can call her.

How can I call her if I don't know where she is?

(GAME CHIMING)

I gave her your phone, in case you might...

My new cell phone? You gave her my new $600 titanium cell phone?

Good idea. Come on.

What happened to your head?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Metropolitan Museum of Art. How may I help you?

I know who set you up.

What? Who?

(TIRES SCREECH)

PETER: Get in.

So, what's up?

PETER: The guy points a gun to my head and tells me not to reopen the case.

I'm thinking, "Why is he doing this?"

And then it dawns on me, it's because he was involved.

God damn him.

I can't believe Widow did this to me.

Where do you think he is? I don't know.

Probably downtown at this club he hang out at called the Down Low.

Got to get a confession.

You can't go there.

Eh, man, I'm serious.

A white man at the Down Low is either a cop, a corpse, or a crackhead.

You can't even talk hood.

I'll figure out something.

Oh, and Howie told me to tell you that the cool points are out the window and you got him all twisted up in the game.

Really?

That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

PETER: I'm gonna drop you off here because I got to get back to the office for a conference call.

So, I'll see you in a little bit.

CHARLENE: All right. Okay, cool.

(CELL PHONE SPEED-DIALS)

Yeah, freak boy, I need a ride.

Can you come now?

CHARLENE: Damn. A straight, cold pimp.

HOWIE: Looks like Gendler beat us to her.

I can assure you, Mrs. Arness, Peter Sanderson is no longer affiliated with Tobias, Kline, and Barnes.

Good.

You have great ankles.

What?

Were you a dancer?

Yeah. Well, yes. I was.

I bet you had great presence.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh. How you two doin'?

I hope I'm not interruptin' anything. You're nasty.

What are you doing here?

Please, Mrs. Arness, I'm not here to cause any trouble.

Well, that would be a first.

Julia? Julia?

Julia a little tied up right now.

Please, I just need you to hear me out for a minute.

Peter is not responsible for any of this. I am.

I mean, the guy is a great lawyer.

And he's one of the most decent men I've ever known.

I doubt that's saying much. Shut up, fool.

If only you knew the lengths he's willing to go to to help a friend. That's what this whole...

Listen, sister.

"Sister"?

Why don't you go back to Sanderson, and the whole Jungle Feverthing the two of you got goin' on, before I call the cops?

That's it, pretty boy.

You ever met The Big Hurt?

The who? Oh!

(TOY SQUEAKS)

(MUTTERING)

I wouldn't do that if I were you!

And why not?

You'll be instantly returned to prison where you belong.

All right. That's it.

How dare you?

To hell with what I just said.

You obviously one of them hard learners. Howie?

This is my house! I will not be told to do what I...

William.

(GROWLING SOFTLY)

I'm Kate Sanderson. Have you seen my kids?

Over there. Oh!

Hey! Oh, God!

What is going on?

It's just the FBI, Mom.

Yeah, they're just doing a, like, search.

For what?

Well, for Charlene. But she's not...

The FBI is looking for your nanny?

(FAINT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Man, take your hands off me!

I said, back off me, punk!

That's what I mean. You know what I'm sayin'?

You don't want none of this now.

Excuse me, homeboys.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Say, yo. You got a bathroom in there?

Say, yo, what's the dealio?

Mmm. Who's your daddy?

Back that booty up and put it on the glass.

Anybody here dig what I'm sayin'?

So...

Your nanny was doing time for armed robbery.

And then she broke out of prison

and then she came here.

But she's innocent, and now your dad has gone off to help her.

SARAH: Sounds crazy, right?

He's not the same guy anymore.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, he's really cool.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Say, any of you homies holdin' extra Jimmy High?

'Cause I'm all about crunchin' some of that boofanny tonight.

If you harm one hair on that dog's head...

Yeah, "Harm a hair on the head." You got me all nervous.

Hello?

CHARLENE: Sarah? Oh, hey, Charlene.

Put your daddy on the phone.

No, he's not here. He went out to find you.

He went to find me?

(CLICKS TONGUE) All right.

Howie, flip a U. We headed downtown.

Downtown's where I live, precious.

No! No! (TIRES SCREECH)

Whoa!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

What's on your mind, player?

What's with you? You been drinkin' some of that haterade?

What's up, Flavor? Where you from?

From the hood and misunderstood.

How's your pimp hand, dog?

Strong, baby, strong.

(GRUNTS)

Can you swerve, snowman?

Do I got "honky" spray-painted on my forehead?

Of course I can. I'm tryin' to peep a bowwow.

If you so at home, man, then dance with the woman.

I can't. I got b'ness.

Go on out there and get your groove on.

No, I can't. I got important b'ness to take care of.

I tell you, but...

(RAP SONG PLAYING)


(MOANING)


You'll get a life sentence for this.

You're a kidnapper and a whore!

Hey. Keep talkin', tea bag.

Ooh! Tea bag!

Yeah, you'll be gummin' your bubbles and squeak.

Yeah, oh! Terrible.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(CHAINS RATTLING)

Damn, boy, you lookin' all kind of stupid.

Really?

'Cause I got this outfit from your mama.

Yo, Eminem, cut the wigger shit.

I don't think you know how much trouble you in.

Fine, fine, fine.

I'm here to talk business. Private business.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

What fresh hell is this?

I don't see him anywhere.

I think he's in that back room over there.

What do we do with Her Majesty?

Sit down. What?

Sit it on down.

Now, look, if you move, your little Willy gonna be bridged down.

You dig? Dig.

All right. Come on.

Is that real?

Oh.

Uh, Seven and Seven, double.

(SIGHS)

How you doin'?

What?

I said, "How you doin'?"

Oh, fantastic.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)

You either the dumbest cracker I ever met or you straight up...

Hold that thought. I love this song.

(INCREASES VOLUME) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG) You think that you don't have the eloquey You think that you can get away with it Turn that off. You think that...

(MUSIC STOPS)

Get everybody up out of here.

CHARLENE: I'm telling you, he is definitely in there.

Okay, all right, so he's in there, and then you go in, and then what happens?

Three seconds.

Why you here?

I got a feeling you're still sitting on a hefty sum of stolen cash.

You want to hide it, you need a lawyer.

What's with the phone? I'm calling in the cavalry.

You'll go back to prison.

So you wanna help me launder my money?

I can hide it in an untraceable account in the Cayman Islands.

All I want is $100,000.

We both walk out of here wealthier men.

And I tell you where Charlene is. That simple.

You wearin' a wire?

Me? No. Are you?

Then they kidnapped me.

And they took my dog, William.

That's a damn shame.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, you don't care.

You smokin', grandma?

Why not?

(LAUGHING)

To hell with your proposition.

(GUN COCKS) Hold it.

Charlene is ready to roll over on you. She knows who your accomplice was.

Oh, that's pretty funny. I'm not kidding.

They're out in the parking lot waiting for my signal, and...

(STAMMERING) And the signal is if I don't come back, they call the FBI.

There was no accomplice, fool.

There was a girl in the photo.

No, there was somebody in a wig and a dress.

(TRIGGER CLICKS)

You.

You left her clothes, the gun, and the money.

See?

You just too damn smart for your own good.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, we can't wait no more.

Wait, wait. Charlene!

Open up. Widow wanna see me.

Says who? Says Lene.

Pete.

Well, ain't this a psychic moment?

I was just comin' to see you.

Come on now, Widow. This is between me and you.

You let him go.

No problem.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, shit.

What? Come on, now. What are you doin'?

(GRUNTS)

HOWIE: I got it.

Aim it, aim it, Howie! CHARLENE: Yeah!

Uh-huh! Who got the gun now, huh?

Who got that gun now?

CHARLENE: Homie, that's right.

Get y'all asses on the ground!

Asses on the ground where I can see 'em, huh?

Take him out!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Pussies.

Ooh!

(GRUNTING)

CHARLENE: Wasn't that fun?

I'm just gonna roll up on out of here.

Thank you.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC RESUMES)

(YELLS) MAN: FBI!

Everybody, freeze!

Charlene! Charlene! Oh, baby!

Oh, oh, baby.

Charlene.

Son of a... (GRUNTING)

MAN: Drop your weapon! Drop it!

Oh, Charlene.

Ow!

What? Damn, dog.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hey, Howie, she's all right.

Charlene, I...

Do me a favor, precious.

Don't ever scare me like that again, or I'm gonna have to give you a nasty spanking, if I'm not being too subtle.

He's such a damn freak.

MAN: Are you Sanderson? Yeah.

Wait, wait.

She's innocent. Save it.

I can prove it.

(CASSETTE SPUTTERING)

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO)

Mr. Sanderson, that was pretty ballsy.

You'd make a hell of an agent.

Oh, thank you very much, but I don't think I did anything that an ordinary man wouldn't do in these sort of circumstances. Thanks again.

Mr. Sanderson. There you are.

You have behaved abonidably.

Aboni...

Abomidably. (LAUGHS)

Abodi... Abominably.

(LAUGHS) I know.

Shakespeare. Shakespeare.

MRS. ARNESS: No, wait. This is serious.

And I'll have you dis... Disboweled.

(LAUGHING) Oh!

Uh, disballed.

Dis... (LAUGHS)

Disbarred?

Disbarred. (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, to hell with it.

I do believe I'm stoned.

Just don't tell anybody you ever saw me like this.

Mrs. Arness.

William.

Oh, God, you are an ugly dog.

And heavy.

Oh! Here, I got him.

Thank you.

Is there a 24-hour diner around here?

I know where one is. I'll take you there. You do?

I'm dreadfully hungry.

You guys okay? What do you think?

MAN: Yo, be cool, G-mo.

Yo, out back, G-mo. Yeah!

Full cheesy, homie.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

TOBIAS: Well, that's not good enough.

You'll just have to keep trying, won't you?

I called Arness four times, Ed. She'll only talk to Peter.

Well, we're just gonna have to keep him around, aren't we?

Oh, hey, guys.

Peter.

Did I mention I'm going out on my own?

You don't have the resources.

Well, I have one multibillion-dollar client.

It's a start.

And a partner.

I'm all over it, G.

Let's go.

Excuse me.

Peter, we can talk about this.

(IMITATING CHARLENE) Ed, you can kiss my natural black ass.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Peter. Ashley, who are you doing here?

(STAMMERING) Oh, I was, uh, meeting, uh...

For my aunt's estate, you know. About her aunt's estate.

There was a codicil. Yeah, yeah.

Well, say goodbye to half your stuff.

I'll call you.


Lookin' good, kids. Almost there.

Peter, your 4 o'clock is waiting for you in your office.

I don't have any meetings today.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize I had an appointment.

Hey.

So, this is how a big-time tax attorney lives, huh?

This place is big pimpin', P. Diddy.

How you doin'? I'm all right.

I really wanted to tell you again how much I appreciate what you did for me.

If I could only give you back half of what you've given me.

Please. We'll call it even. Now give me a hug.

Hey, white people don't hug.

You ain't white.

Well, I'm off-white.

Good to see you.

Kate...

Hi.

Um, oh, well, I'm, uh...

I got to finish up some things with Howie.

Oh, uh, Kate, this is Charlene. Charlene, this is Kate.

Hi. You've certainly been shaking things up around here.

(LAUGHS)

Well, shakin' is what I do best.

(LAUGHS)

It's a pleasure to meet you, Kate.

Thank you.

And take care of him for me.

Hi.

Hmm, so...

What brings you down?

I mean, you know, not what brings you down, but, I mean, what brings you down here? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Well, I was just wondering, um...

How often do you take that shortcut past my house?

Technically?

Uh, well...

Uh, pretty much every day.

Well, you know, technically,

that's stalking.

It's kind of cute.

Kate.

There's something I want to say to you.

The cool points are out the window, and I'm all twisted up in the game.

(LAUGHING) What does that mean?

It means I love you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Oh! Oh!

(RINGING CONTINUES)

CHARLENE: Rastaman, hold still, or you're gonna have these Jamaican beads all over the floor.

Yeah, here we go.

All right, halfway done.

What you think?

(LAUGHS)

Holler at your boy.

(LAUGHS)

Hey. Nothin' is nothin'.

Who's your daddy now?

(LAUGHS)

Boy, you are some kind of freaky.

Ain't nobody Nobody Loves me better No one to love me Makes me happy Yeah, yeah, yeah Makes me feel this way Ain't nobody No, no Loves me better than you South Side, South Side

(INDISTINCT RAPPING)

Ain't the paper that makes me Dana I just see the strangers They look at me stranger They all give me more lip So I give ya More music, more scripts, less actin'

I stepped up the salary cap Passin' traffic and look at what happened See how life takes a turn More paper earned Lawyers poof, case adjourned Goodbye I am what I am I come from Newark So I'm crème de la crème Especially when y'all prayed for my downfall That's why I try to stay from around y'all Let's go Turn my days into dark They found less Like meter maids when I park But I'll be still doin' me So beautifully Go on and do your thing

'Cause people will talk Baby, it's the way The way that you walk Keep your head up to the sky Comfort is high Love the ones that hate you

'Cause they're the ones who make you Yo, yo Go on and do you thing Just imagine how the world would be with you cruisin'

Top down, pop the blouse Get girls aroused Talk about shoppin' and browsin'

Not for clothes Could it be that you feel you need me?

Hey, you love the way I flow 'cause it comes so easy When life imitate art You got to love that Try to stay above that Who knew I'd come this far?

Businesswoman and movie star My mom's always told me it come from God And the stress that come from y'all Keep achin'

You'll get there Keep waitin'

Keep tryin', be patient Y'all wish I could stay the night Really feel the love Go on and do your thing

'Cause people will talk Baby, it's the way The way that you walk Keep your head up to the sky Comfort is high Love the ones that hate you

'Cause they're the ones who make you Go on and do your thing Lately, itjust seems to me That people ain't what they seem to be They all want me torn up I know they're snakes in the grass So I pay my staff to keep the lawn cut I see you, all the drama you bringin'

I combat that with positive thinkin'

I'm me till I'm old and gray And when that day comes I'm gonna teach my daughters to be the same way I am the way I am I'm from the hood So I'm crème de la crème Especially when y'all prayed for my downfall That's why I try to stay from around y'all You'll never get me down So I'll always be around Still doin' me so beautifully Go on and do your thing

'Cause people will talk Baby, it's the way The way that you walk Keep your head up to the sky Comfort is high Love the ones that hate you

'Cause they're the ones who make you Go on and do your thing

'Cause people will talk Baby, it's the way The way that you walk Keep your head up to the sky Comfort is high Love the ones that hate you

'Cause they're the ones who make you Go on and do your thing Just do your thing 'cause people gonna hate you anyway

Hip-hop music Take control Hip-hi-hop music Oh, oh-oh-oh Got to keep her sanity I believe that one thing Love will set you free

'Cause I believe in dreams And you could come with me If you want to Got to keep her head up high So I can make you understand my mind Yeah, I'm free Say, you could come with me, baby If you want to Oh, oh-oh-oh Say Oh, oh-oh-oh Clap, clap