Britannia Hospital (1982) Script

What's for breakfast then? Sausage and beans.

Oh blimey, we've had that for the month! Send for the Red Cross!

We're in the front line now, mate.

'Ere, ere's one.

Get 'im, Ken!

Bugger that for a lark!

Eh, 'old it! 'OLD IT!

What ya got 'ere then? One geriatric. Hypothermia.

No admissions except by union dispensation.

'Ave a look in the back, Bob.

Come on!

What's up with this one then?

Pulmonary pneumonia. About another ten minutes to go, by the sound of it.

Doctor's certificate?

Got it somewhere.

"Needs intensive care".

Intensive here, Ken!

Looks like a croaker. Okay, pass 'im through.

And don't bloody well come back!

There's another one for the nackers' yard!

He won't be playing Saturday.

'Ere, how are those bangers gettin' on then?

'Oi, watch it!

Anybody at home?

Wakey wakey, rise 'n shine!

Come 'n get it!

Keep smiling!

You can't leave that there!

Where d'ya wannit? I couldn't care less. I've been off duty for the past 10 minutes.

Got a light?

Thank you.

Time's up? Near as damn it.

Might as well have a cup of tea.

There'll be time for another hand later.

Bloody Hell!

What the bloody hell do ya think you're doin'?

'Ere, what's your name and business?

Don't be foolish, man.

Don't you call us foolish, Millar. We're in our rights.


You bastard! We'll have you, Millar!

We'll get ya!


Good morning, Feeney. Good morning sir.

Big day for you Professor! Big day for mankind, Feeney.

Stand by, MacMillan. I'm on my way up.

Good morning, J.M.

Good morning, MacMillan.

Everything in order? Everything on schedule.

Where would you like to start? I think we'll take components first.

Any problem?

98% stable. We've had to replace the left buttock.

As I thought. And Genesis?

Alpha consciousness consistent. Genesis is in perfect shape, Professor.

Genesis IS perfect, MacMillan.

MacMillan and Overlord. Intro.

Left thigh. Bank 8.

Number 2.

A trifle over-fleshy,

...but a nice profile.

Left buttock. Bank 3.

Middle tray.

We have alternatives, J.M. Bank 6, numbers 3 and 4.

I'll take the alternatives.

Thermostability? 4 degrees, J.M. Stabile.


How is Macready progressing? Beautifully. We're expecting death within the hour.

Splendid! I have great confidence in Macready.

That was him.

He dyes his hair.

Do you think he spotted us? No, we're less than the dust to him.

Which is the west front? Over here.

Six floors down. From the flash as arranged.

Mm, you've done your homework. I don't get complaints.

I bet you get around a bit!

Are you a Yank?

Citizen of the world, that's me.

I was born in Liverpool.

My father was a station master. I started in coffee.

And where do you live now?


I got out just in time.

Well you were dead lucky.

What's luck gotta do with it? It's got nothing to do with luck!

Gotta find something to sell, something that people want to buy.

What, the inside story? That's it!

You've gotta have a nose for these things.

Oh, what's that you got there?

You see that truck, over there?


Now watch this.

Spider calling. Spider calling. Are you receiving picture?

Come in control, come in control.

Receiving picture, Spider, receiving picture.

Come on, over here.

You lot must be making plenty out of this. Well, we're not starving.

O'right then, fair shares.

Now look, chummy... we had a deal. Now a deal's a deal. Savvy?

But I could lose my union card over this! Well that's not my problem.

Look, Mr Travis, we're gonna be a long way from the ground.

Let's make it 250, eh? 100.


150. Okay... when we're back on terra firma.

Spider ready to craw, Spider ready to crawl, are you receiving me?

Testing for sound, 1,2,3, testing for sound...

Come on, you piss artists!

Calm down, Michael. Just getting ourselves comfortable down here.

Safe 'n sound.

Travis's getting itchy Surprise me!

Hey relax, Michael. We're on our toes. Just give us the nudge.

What's the scene here anyway? Travis is onto something big. One of his exclusives. Very hush hush Again?

Well, it's great seeing you again Sammy. Where've you been?

East. Starving children of India.

Where did you spring from?

West, riots, revolution, rape...

Jesus, those banana eaters really love ripping each other apart.

All lovely prime time stuff. Yeah, I guess. Network.

It's gonna be a long day!

What've ya got? It's a little Nicaraguan special.

Right from the Pampas itself.

All the blessings of God and His Holy Mother on you!

Afghan black, and, my dear friend, holy mushrooms. picked by these very fingers on the slopes of the Himalayas.

Hey, let's make a cocktail? Sail away!

...wave of explosions is spreading across the city, 13 more in the last 12 hours. over 50 casualties have been reported, 22 of them fatal.

Looting and rioting have broken out.

Kids' stuff!

They'll learn.

Fires have spread from the shattered embassy to adjacent homes.

30 people are feared dead and many may still be trapped in the burning wreckage.

Residents in the area have been evacuated

And now a news flash: there's been another bomb attack in London.

Fire brigades are managing to keep the blaze under control, but casualties are feared heavy, and the death toll is still rising. A warning 5 minutes before the bomb explosion...

Potter here.

Yes, I've seen it.

And today of all days! How many?

Right, alert all off-duty house surgeons to report to accident and emergency alert the S and O for blood transfusion, Atkinson for haematology and the mortuary. Right?

I'm on my way.

...more than 280 are so far feared dead with many more burned and injured. A special government representative is on his way...

- Ace Taxis.

No ! I do NOT want Ace Taxis!

...WC train news: British Rail has announced a number of cancellations as a result of strike action by staff and the 'go slow' by ticket collectors...

- Yes? - Potter here. - Yes sir.

We've got a major incident. 150 at least.

Get down as fast as you can and hold the fort. Yes sir.

And get everybody there with casualty as quickly as possible; it'll be all hands to the pumps.

Don't forget your meeting, sir. I'm not likely to, lad!

I can't let this affect today's arrangements.

You alerted Millar, did you? He's had an ultra memo, sir. Two of them.

- Well send him another. We can't afford any slip-ups. - I'll do my best, sir.

...Hammersmith and City lines on the underground now have several trains missing, due to sickness and non-appearance of personnel.

Industrial action is threatened on the Central and Northern lines.

...well on the roads. An articulated heavy goods vehicle has broken down on the Mortlake road, and the traffic is...

- Professor Millar's office. I want to speak to the professor personally.

Professor Millar is with Genesis. I can't possibly interrupt him.

This is an ultra priority for Professor Millar:

Confirm top-level briefing

- 8.30 a. m., Mr Potter's office. Well I'll try.

Hold the fort, will you nurse?

Professor Millar?

The professor's very busy. Go away!

A message from admin. Ultra priority.

Not now, MacMillan.

Have you ever wondered how God felt on the sixth day of creation?

When will you give Genesis to the world?

In my good time.

Soon, J.M.

Soon. Not quite yet, MacMillan.

Today, the human experiment...



Move back! Let us through! No pushing!

Let those people through!

Get these stretchers cleared away immediately!

Now, not so fast. And don't you be shouting at us like that.

Don't you know you're holding up the whole operation?

These people must go up to theatre immediately!

We've been on 8 hours now!

We've been on overtime since 6. Triple time. We're over the 24 hour limit.

Mr Biles! What's the hold up?

Mr Biles, these men are holding us to ransom.

Don't you call us men! We are staff!

I think this calls for arbitration here. We'll get the union in on this.

There's no need for that.

I can offer you time-and-a-half. Unacceptable!

Double time!

What about meal break? A hot breakfast.

What do you think, lads? We're talking about eggs and bacon here, not just toast and porridge.

I don't eat bacon.

Sausages for Sam.

I've no authority for sausages.

Well! Stalemate!

Sausages are on the nurses' breakfast. I was planning them...

In the name of humanity!

And in view of the emergency... But we're not setting a precedent.

-Right. Alright lads. Come on. Let's get these out of the way.

You put that down there.

Alright everyone, this way.

Walking wounded, follow me!

Biles here.

Which kitchen?

I'll be right there.

So, with a couple of earthquakes, three famines... a hijack and and a pre-emptive nuclear strike, aren't we the lucky ones to be tucked up all snug and cosy here in Britannia Hospital.

Now, it's a very special day here in Britannia so let's have some very special smiles to go along with it.

Oh yes, it's Royal day today here in Britannia with our own very special Royal visitor coming all the way down from Buckingham Palace to open up our bright and shiny new wing.

Now what better way to start the day than with thanksgiving with the Padre Oh Lord, open Thou our lips, And our mouths shall show forth Thy praise.

Oh God, make speed to save us.

Oh Lord, make haste to help us.

Oh Lord, show Thy mercy upon us.

And grant us Thy salvation.

Where's Mr Whooley? Over there with the sausages.

Dunno what he's doing with them.

Mr Whooley?

It's no use, Mr Biles. I can't cook breakfast for the entire hospital on my own!

It's the private patients. Now they've got the unions supporting them.

That Ben Keatingís been stirring them up.

That's right Bilesy.

My boys and girls have had enough cowtowing to your privileged pigs in the private wing.

Why can't they eat a decent English breakfast like the decent ordinary folk in the public wards?

Mr Keating, you know very well that what they eat they pay for.

Listen to this:

"Sir James Burgess, room 15, "Eggs Benedict, and half a bottle of champagne.

"Miss Hamani Rigg-Hamilton, "room 6, "devilled kidneys and a passion fruit cocktail.

"President Ngami... " and he shouldn't be 'ere in the first place, the fascist swine...

Murdering black! Bog dictator!

Send the biggy back to wogland!

"President Ngami, "trout grilled and garnished with mango slices. "

This isn't the Nairobi Hilton, this is a British hospital!

It's the same for everyone, or nothing at all!

That's our last word, i'n' it boys and girls?

Mr Whooley, see if you can get a call through to cheerful Bernie.

I'll have to take this higher up. You can tell your bosses we're standing fast!

Okay, okay. We'll blame it on the bombers, no problem!

Oh dear, oh dear. If you've been sittin' there waiting for your 'am and eggs, lads and lasses... you'll have to keep smiling a little bit longer.

Those naughty bombers have just blown a fuse in the toaster.

But seriously, folks, the kitchens are a bit behind dealing with our extra guests... and now here comes somebody who knows the whole kaboodle backwards.

Pray silence, if you will, lads and lasses, for Matron Ducksbury.

Good morning all patients and staff.

In spite of this morning's shocking disturbances, You may be sure that Britannia will continue to serve and to succour Unfortunately, the kitchens are temporarily out of order, but during the next hour there will be a service of soft drinks: with the choice of orange and lemon barley water.

Patients due for discharge may give their blood at casualty.


Breakfast. You're damned late, nurse!

I've managed to get you an orange.

An orange?

Come Good morning, General.


What the hell's this? A nice orange for your breakfast this morning, General I don't want your bloody orange!

I want my kipper!

What's all this noise?

Get up at once! It's General Witherby, Matron.

He won't take his orange. Absolute nonsense!

They're in ferment, Matron. Have you served the president yet?

Not yet, Matron. Give me his tray; I'll do it myself.

And stop playing about!

What is this? The president's breakfast.

This is not what was ordered!

I'm afraid His Excellency's mango slices have been delayed. This is the best we can do.

[talking in African language]

It's simply not good enough, Matron.

At the prices you're charging, we're entitled to something better than a British Railways box lunch. It's a national disgrace!

I've driven a taxi for 25 years to pay for this operation!

I'm not paying 200 quid a day for an orange!

250 pounds for me!

I have tried to explain to them, Matron.

With service like this, we might as well be in a public ward.

A public ward? I'd rather die!

I didn't have 50 years in India to end up bedding down with a lot of wogs!

I'm dreadfully sorry, but the matter is out of my hands.

The nursing staff have no authority over the kitchens.

However I'm sure things will be back to normal quite soon.

18 seconds for 78-A and 78-B.

Now what does that give us? 43 minutes.

42 minutes, 38 seconds.

That leaves us 5 minutes and 22 seconds for the final component.

Yes, nurse?

Professor, Sister would like to see you in Intensive.

Macready? I think so, sir.

He's timed it perfectly.

Oh Houston, do we have compatibilities for all the alternatives?

That wasn't in the specification, Professor.

Let me have another look at the print-out.


My error, I'm afraid.

You'd better recheck the entire component assembly on the computer feed in the complete cross fertilisation and compatibility data.

I must have 100% accuracy on all alternative factors.

Professor Millar? We can't afford a hiccup!

Right! This is it!

Sammy, Red, we're on our way.

We're cutting it a bit fine.

Macready's already 8 minutes past his deadline. We still have 14 minutes in hand, Professor.

We can't afford to fall behind schedule at this stage.

Termination? I'm afraid not, Professor.

He seems to be lingering.

Dr MacMillan, a moment please.


Sister, Professor gets a little peckish at this time of the morning...

Could you be kind enough to pop down to the canteen to get him a digestive biscuit?

Oh, and a glass of milk please Sister.

I'm afraid he's gone.

Eh, hold it steady! Cor, lovin' this!

Get out of there, will ya!

Hello Sammy, Hello Red?

Are you getting this?

Come in Sammy, come in Red...

Every chicken has 9 square inches of living space.

Vitaminised water is always on tap.

The hard-working chicken is a good friend to man.

And now, on this happy, snappy morning, we come to our usual menu spot As you all know, we've had gremlins down in the kitchen today but here to tell us all about the celebration lunch she's been cooking up for us is...

Florrie, our queen of culinary concoction.

Hullo everybody.

The special menu planned for today features, we hope, a choice of three: meat loaf, stewed neck of lamb, bacon and egg flan... all with creamed potatoes and gravy.

Pudding will also be a choice: bread and butter pudding, suet roly poly and cherry sponge with custard.

And finally, as an extra treat, a chocolate mint will be served to all patients in honour of our Royal visitor.

Bad luck Vincent. Pipped you at the post! You ought to be careful, Phyllis.

Your members will find themselves without a mother hen one of these days.

What have you got there? My glad rags for the do.

It's not every day I get the chance to have lunch with royalty!

We're very pressed for space at the Royal lunch, Phyllis. I can't guarantee it, I'm afraid.

I'm not speaking for myself, you know Vincent.

I represent 600 men and women without whom your hospital would not be able to function.

I'm not likely to forget that, Phyllis!

I've collaborated with you for 10 years, Vincent Potter.

I'd hate to see that collaboration broken over a question of protocol.

This celebration is for all of us. The old days have gone forever, Vincent.

Britannia belongs to the people now.

No smoking on the job, Vi.

Madge, I hope you're not going to greet Her Royal Highness wearing those overalls.

Don't forget that invite, Vincent.

I can't promise you, Phyllis. I've not laid out 95 pounds on this outfit for nothing.

And remember... an insult to me is an insult to every non-skilled operative in this hospital.

Now, just you think on!

I understood that this work was to be completed yesterday! Nearly finished now, sir.

We're only being paid for an 8 hour day, Mr Potter.

You'll have to be out of here at 10 at the latest. We have a Royal occasion here today, you know.

That's just the point. You want a professional job doing, don't you?

Mr Potter!

Mr Potter!

Are they coping in casualty? Everything's running smoothly, sir.

Keep an eye on it lad. Um, Mr Potter.

Yes, what is it now?

Trouble in the kitchen, sir.

The staff are refusing to serve breakfast.

Why? They won't fill the private patients' orders, sir.

It's Ben Keating again. I'm afraid he means trouble.

Well don't stand there looking at me, think!

The private patients are going to have ordinary hospital food. We can't risk a confrontation today.

Why didn't I think of that, sir? Because you're a fool!


Well don't stand there hovering! Get back to the kitchen and settle it. I've got important people waiting for me.

Good morning, Mr Potter. Yeah Oh, Mr Potter, Matron and Mr Figg and the gentleman from Scotland Yard are in the Princess Victoria suite.

And Mr Potter...

They've called from the Palace to say Sir Anthony Mount is on his way with Lady Ramsden.

I've got a bleep out for Professor Millar and Sir Geoffrey. You'd better re-bleep them, Miss Tinker. We're running late already.

Any news of the radiographers? They've settled for 12%.

And the psychotherapists? They're working normally.

Oh, if Biles has any news from the kitchens, send him through.


This is our Mr Potter, Chief Superintendent... the man behind today's plan of campaign This is Chief Superintendent Johns, from Scotland Yard. Superintendent I'm sorry to be late, gentlemen. You've probably heard, we're running under strain.

Another bomb this morning. Yes, please be seated.

Lady Ramsden and Sir Anthony Mount,

Sir Anthony, Your Ladyship...

Lady Felicity and Sir Anthony are from the Palace. They will be our advisors on protocol.

This is Matron Ducksbury.

Chief Superintendent Johns, who will be looking after security.

Our Mr Potter, senior administrator.

Please be seated.

We were held up, I'm afraid, by those pickets at the main gate.

They bother me, gentlemen.

HRH cannot be involved in any political... [unintelligible]

I beg your pardon.

Political nastiness! Can't you get rid of them Arrest them!

Perhaps an appeal could be made. Impossible.

They're hospital employees, making a legitimate protest in their spare time.

Which they have far too much of! Sack them!

My dear Sir Anthony, we're not living in the 19th century.

If you want to bring this hospital to a standstill, that's exactly the way to do it.

Oh, I'm sorry gentlemen. The operating theatres are chockablock.

Ah, this is Sir Geoffrey Brockenhurst.

Lady Felicity Ramsden and Sir Anthony Mount from the Palace... and Chief Superintendent Johns from the Yard. Yes, hello George.

Carry on Figg.

This is the 500th anniversary of the foundation of Britannia Hospital by Royal Charter from her late, gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth I.

And we are indeed privileged to welcome her noble descendant whose presence will add lustre to our celebrations.

And today also marks another milestone in Britannia's history: the official opening of the new Millar Centre for Advanced Surgical Science, a generous gift from our friends at Banzai Chemicals, Tokyo.

Now in order that today's programme should run with clockwork precision, our Mr Potter has masterminded a plan of campaign which he will now explain in detail. Mr Potter...

As you all know, Her Royal Highness will arrive at the hospital main entrance at 11.15 a. m. A point...

After 11.00 hours no persons must be allowed to show themselves on the roof or at the upper storey windows.

Why not? I have snipers planted in the grounds.

Make a memo on that, Miss Diamond.

Will do, Mr Figg.

Now you'll see from your maps, Ladies and Gentlemen, the route of the Royal visit.

It can be divided into three phases: phase 1, arrival and tour phase 2, luncheon phase 3, the opening of the Millar Centre for Advanced Surgical Science and Professor Millar's address and demonstration.

Isn't the great man going to honour us with his presence?

Where is Professor Millar?

I've bleeped him red, Mr Figg. Well you'd better re-bleep him, Miss Tinker.

Urgent, double red.

Now then, Matron, have you made a selection of patients for presentation?

I have. Nothing too gruesome, I hope!

As they shrank, the seas cast millions of unadapted aquatic creatures... onto newly created beaches.

Deprived of their familiar environment, these died.

Only a fortunate few, organically suited to amphibian existence, survived the shock of change.

Today, the human race is undergoing a change as catastrophic.

Those who cannot adapt will perish, washed up on the shores of the future.

It is our job... Hold it!

Have to change the mag.

Sorry about that, sir. I'll give you an overlap.

That was super, Professor. Not too rarefied?

No, just like that. Absolutely super. Thank you.

Damn this thing!

Okay, running...

20, take 1.


Today, the human race is undergoing a change as catastrophic.

Those who cannot adapt will perish, washed up on the shores of the future.

Come with me.

And what is the most powerful, potential weapon in man's possession?

His own brain.

The human brain, made up of 10 billion neurons... each neuron, the possibility... of a thought.

We could have 10 billion ideas if we could only find the way to harness fully the energy and potential of the brain.

And what is more, it is extraordinarily nutritious.

93, right index. 3.2 seconds.

94-A and C, right and left thumbs, 6.5 seconds.

What is it, nurse?

Doctor, my head is splitting, I really need to lie down.

We are on duty, nurse!

- Professor Millar's in conference. I really can't disturb him. This is double red.

- The party from the Palace are waiting in admin. Very well, I'll try.

... right to the centre of the brain, and hitherto... Professor Millar Yes I'm sorry to interrupt you, Professor Mr Potter is bleeping you double red from admin.

I'll be with him in a jiffy, Houston.

Sorry about that, Peter.

Oh, that was super! Super for atmosphere. Got that Rick? Naa, sorry, missed the entry.

Would you mind too much, doctor?, Could you give us that again?

The whole bit? From the top.

I'll give you action, and Reg'll be waiting for you. Certainly.

Stand by.

Nurse, quick, please, a mirror! I need a mirror, quick, please.

Thanks. Action!

Yes? I'm sorry to interrupt you Professor, the party are here from the Palace, and Mr Potter...

Where the hell have you been?

It's freezing out there!

Psst, the camera.

Come on...

Come on!

90% of the human brain shows a bare minimum of electrical activity, virtually dark.

We call this the "limbic silent zone"

It represents a clear activity source of unlimited potential.

I have been exploring the organic expansion of this limbic zone.

My aim is nothing less than its full occupation. Then we shall see wonders. We are on the threshold...

Wait here.

What? Wait here!

37-F, 37-D, 41-A

39-A, 36-D.

two, zero.

Left lung, 2 seconds slow, upper gut, 4.3 seconds fast Liver and lights trailing 6 seconds.

Once again, from position 15...


29-A, 13-B, 7, 19-C, 21-B, 11-H, 18-K, 26-B

Section 8. At 12.17, Her Royal Highness will leave and proceed directly to the Princess Victoria Suite for presentations and luncheon.

Now there is a name which I think has been unfortunately omitted from those invited to lunch at HRH's table:

I am referring to Mrs Grimshaw.

And who is Mrs Grimshaw? She is the Branch Secretary of COHSE, the Confederation of Hospital Service Employees.

If you invite one union representative, you'll have to invite the lot! Oh, God forbid!

I really don't think... Sorry Potter, it's just not on.

Of course, we don't want to embarrass Her Royal Highness Gentlemen, I'm - and Lady Felicity - I must speak frankly:

I cannot guarantee the stability of this hospital unless the duly-elected representatives of the workforce are permitted to demonstrate their loyalty.

What do you think, Chief Superintendent?

My responsibility ends at the door.

How many of these representatives?

Three will do it.

No more than three.

Right then, that's settled. Um, make a memo Miss Diamond.

Will do, Mr Figg.

And after lunch?

We all proceed to the Centre for the opening and Professor Millar's demonstration.

And when are we to be privileged to hear the exact nature of this demonstration?

You mean you don't know? Oh surely!

No doubt we shall hear the details from Professor Millar himself.

He is on his way now.

The whale, the porpoise and the dolphin have brains 20 times larger than man yet man has learnt to write, make fire and fly. Where did these extraordinary gifts come from?

Dead centre of the human brain, lies the legendary pineal gland.

The ancient Egyptians and the Aztecs knew a thing or two about the pineal gland and so did the Greeks. But all that's been lost over the past 5,000 years.

There is incredible power locked up in there, power which has never been unleashed... because it has been thought beyond the ability of mankind to control it.

I know how to control that power.

One final detail: catering. Miss Tinker?

Luncheons are coming from Fortnumís.

Their top executive menu at 45 pounds a head, with champagne and two wines.

Flowers from the Royal Horticultural Society...

...begins the miracle, a miracle for every member of homo sapiens.

Sorry everyone, sorry, sorry!

I hope I haven't kept you waiting. Professor Millar...

...this is Lady Felicity Ramsden and Sir Anthony Mount from the Palace.

How do you do?

And Chief Superintendent Johns from the Yard.

Who are these people? Oh, this is Peter Mancini of the BBC and his expert crew.

Peter is doing me in depth - for the Beeb.

This is sheer publicity seeking! It's against all medical ethics. Get off!

I can assure you I have no need to seek publicity.

Mr Mancini, I must ask you to withdraw. Yes, I'm afraid we really must insist.

And take these people with you.

Sorry, Peter.

Apologies gentlemen, no wish to offend.

We'll wait for you outside, sir.

We've covered most of the details in your absence, Professor Millar... there just remains the question of your lecture and performance.


What will this demonstration consist of, Professor?

Man remade. And what is that supposed to signify?

Exactly what it says. I don't like the sound of this.

I hope it won't be anything offensive!

We'll be lucky if that's all it is!

It'll mark the beginning of a new epoch in medical science.

Medical science?

You're not a doctor, you're a vampire!

To you, patients aren't suffering beings to be cured, they're raw material for your ego mania!

My transplants work!

They are the future.

Whose future? I save life every day! Gentlemen, gentlemen.

If medicine was left to people like you, surgeons would still be operating in barbers' shops!

You'll never rise above your mastectomies and gallstones!


I can change life!

As, gentlemen, ladies... you will shortly be privileged to witness.

That man's an unmitigated blaggard! And dangerous, to boot.

Mr Figg, I need your assurance that Millar's demonstration will not be offensive to HRH.

Sir Anthony, Professor Millar's methods may be unorthodox, but he is a genius in his field.

As is Sir Geoffrey in his.

Yes Biles, what is it?

It's the kitchen staff, Mr Potter. They're at flash point! Well didn't you follow my instructions?

It's escalated, sir. They're refusing to admit the Royal Luncheons. They're picketing the Fortnum's van!

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen. I shall have to deal with this personally.

I suggest we meet in exactly 15 minutes in the main hall for our tour of inspection.


We shall not, we shall not be moved! We shall not, we shall notbe moved! Just like a tree, that's standing by the water side...

This could be a major confrontation. Stick close to me, lad.

That's it. C'mon show 'em we mean business!

You can take your luncheon and muck away Potter, we aint buyin' it!

You know where you can put it, Potter!

Ah, hello Potter. About time!

Now what's going on here? - Get that van unloaded at once! - Don't budge, girls!

Nothing doing, Potter. Those lunches are staying in that van.

Good morning, Mr Potter. Rochester, of Fortnum's.

I must ask you to take delivery of 65 "Ambassador Class" lunches. Adrian...

What's this? An invoice, sir.

2,925 pounds, 80 p.

Including VAT? Of course.

These lunches are non-returnable. They'll have to be unloaded.

This van is needed elsewhere. Biles!

Get those lunches out of the van. Assist him, Adrian.

Any further and we'll knock your blocks off!

That stuff is not coming in, Potter.

Oh now, look Ben, we don't need any ugliness, do we?.

I'd like to talk to your men. We're all good friends here.

So let's have some reasonable dialogue on this, shall we?

Alright, Potter. - Good chap. Biles! - They're all yours.

Alright, alright, boys and girls, we'll hear what Mr Potter's got to say. Gregory...

I'm not here to order, I'm here to appeal. Now this is a great day for Britannia and we can't insult our distinguished guests. Those lunches are an insult.

They're implying my people are not skilled enough to produce food worthy of royalty. We're not wearing it, Potter!

He's calling us "work shy". Isn't our cooking good enough for her then?

'Ere, where she think she is, the Ritz? Yeah, what d'she want, caviar 'n chips?

Ben, perhaps we can have a quiet word? Your pleasure.

Give it to him, Ben!

We shall not be moved, Ben!

Ben, I know these occasions mean a great deal of extra work for you and don't think it isn't appreciated.

It's not the work, Mr Potter, it's the insult to their professional pride.

Oh no, that's a complete misunderstanding. How tactless of me.

Very willing to apologise, Ben.

I'm sure my lads and lasses would appreciate that.

Of course you realise, Ben, they're going to need someone to represent them at the ceremony.

I was going to ask you to sit with HRH at her table... but of course if the meals aren't... That's a gesture... my people certainly appreciate.

Very often on these occasions, when a worker's representative is singled out for special duty of this kind, he may find he's expected to accept some token of acknowledgment... an MBE What about an OBE?

It's possible.

Lads and lasses, I'm happy to tell you the management are listening to reason.

From this time on, no special meals will be served under any circumstances to the private patients.

But, to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment to our Royal guest...

I've agreed, that on this occasion only, the lunches may be served.

I'm sure you'll agree, boys and girls, this represents a significant victory for democracy, I thank you.

Thank you my good friend Ben, and all of you for showing once again that the British working man... and woman!

And woman...

...will always put unity before anarchy, loyalty before self, common sense before disruptive strife. God bless you all.

[singing 'Auld Lang Syne']

Friends and colleagues... in 15 minutes we will begin an operation which will crown the months, nay, years of our work together.

We have worked not for glory, nor for reward, but in the pure benevolent spirit of science.

Be sure that whatever honours may accrue to me as conceiver and designer of this great experiment your part in it will not be forgotten.

Galileo, Freud and Einstein gave a new dimension to humanity.

Today, we follow in their footsteps.

We have 48 minutes exactly in which to carry out our operation.

Absolute precision of timing is essential.

Dr MacMillan, preliminary check, please.

Component inventory by tables:

Table 1? Table 1:

Thorax, right kidney, left lung, aortic artery, lower right femur, liver and lights. Table 2?

Spine, bladder, upper gut, pancreas, right buttock Table 3?

Left digitals, knee-caps right and left, spleen, right shoulder and chin.

Table 4?

Right shank, left elbow, ankles, big toes.

Nurse Persil for Overlord. Intro...

All equipment fully functional at 0 minus 15.

Proceed by tables to final component assembly.

Final component assembly.

What the...

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Who is that? What is that he's got there?

What's going on?

Explain yourself!

Get rid of him!

Ngami, Ngami...


President Ngami's presence in Britain has aroused strong protests including several threats against his life.

Hey, they don't like this guy. Why, why not?

He eats children. He shits diamonds.

Ngami... This is epic.

Hey, where's ol' Mike? Apocalyptic!

Where's Mike? I've gotta get this on film.

Hello Spider? Red calling Spider.



C'mon Mike, wake up!

Caucasian, male, age about 32, extraordinary cephalic development, light concussion, nothing structural.

Nurse Persil, give this man a 55 cc injection of sodium pentothal the cerebral artery

55 cc's, Nurse Persil.


Nurse Persil?

The cerebral artery...

Not this one, Peter.

Only 95 minutes left now before the Royal arrival.

And everybody is climbing into their glad rags - even me.

Oh, what a glad day this is going to be!

The padre has given us a special blessing, Florrie is giving us a special lunch, and if you listen carefully you can hear all those wonderful loyal subjects out there who've come here just so that they can catch a glimpse of our special, special visitor.

One, Two, Three, Four, Kick Ngami out the door!

Five, six, seven, eight, He's the one that we all hate!

Hey Red, check in!

C'mon, let's get into it! It's about time we had some action around here.

Those pickets are getting very rowdy, Chief Superintendent.

We're counting on you, Johns. Oh, we've got an eye on them, sir.

Apologies, ladies and gentlemen. Everything is sorted out.

Now if you'd care to follow me, we'll commence the route marked out on your maps.

I thought I'd told you to be out of here by 10.

We've been waiting for the right colour, Mr Potter. This stuff they sent along just doesn't match.

We've got pride in our craft, sir, just the same as you.

You've got another 10 minutes, then I'm having all this stuff removed and you with it.

Victory Concourse, where Her Royal Highness will commence her tour.

Matron? With 53 wards and over 1,100 beds, Britannia is the senior hospital in the south-west catchment area, providing complete medical care for a population of 2 and 3/4 million people.

Our nursing staff of over 3,000 handles a turnover of approximately 90,000 patients a year.

We cannot of course hope to demonstrate the full range of our activities to HRH, but we have endeavoured to make a representative selection. We start through here...

The Sebastopol ward... women's post-operative. One of our oldest and quietest.

Who have you got for us, Matron? Fourth on the right, Miss Rowntree.

One of our easiest patients, Miss Rowntree.

She's been with us for 2 years. She's completely paralysed - stress.

Her sister was lost in a plane crash in Iceland.

A gradual deterioration. She can only communicate with her eyes.

Eminently suitable.

If you'd like to follow me - through here.

Our most respected foreign minister since Palmerston.

Terminal, I'm afraid.

Our friends from the Palace, Sir Hubert.

They wouldn't listen to me.

You wouldn't listen to me!

"this scepter'd isle, "this other Eden, demi-paradise, "this precious stone set in the silver sea

"this blessed plot, this realm, this England... "

He's gone.

A pity! He'd have appreciated a visit.

The Rudyard Kipling ward, Britannia's most modern installation, brilliantly equipped last year at a cost of £2 million.

Donated by the Masonic brotherhood. Sir Geoffrey?

Well, the Kipling is our pride and joy, it features all the most advanced nursing techniques.

Closed circuit video and radio systems enable one nurse to tend the needs of 17 patients instead of 3.

And all equipment in this ward is British designed and made. Sir Anthony.

The astronauts have passed the last section. And the world stands waiting as the seconds tick by...

30, 29...

Very impressed!

Unfortunately, the ward is not in use at this moment in time.

Shortage of cleaning staff.

3, 2, 1...

Blast off.

Perfect start. Mankind makes another great leap into the future.

Blimey! Evita!

What's the matter?

Well, nobody told me it was Christmas! There's nothing demeaning in showing respect, Ben.

It's nice to see you in a tie.

Borrowed it off one of the lads.

Hello, 'ere's another candidate for the House of Lords. Ben, Phyllis...

I never thought I'd see the day!

If only my dear old granddad could've been 'ere!

That must be his suit you're wearing! It's a bit tight.

Take no notice of him, Tom. You look a real gentleman.

What are we supposed to call 'er? Don't know - I've got butterflies.

Your Highness, of course. She's a Royal, in't she? Your Royal Highness, surely!

Well, I'm not gonna call her anything. Ben!

I've always wanted to eat at Fortnum's!

Lady Felicity, Sir Anthony: This is Mrs Grimshaw, of COHSE.

Mr Ben Keating, of NUPI. and Mr Tom Sharkey, of the Amalgamated Union of Engineers.

Now when you meet Her Royal Highness, the ladies curtsey, the gentlemen bow.

And you say: "Honouredtomeetyoumaam".

How's that again?



Honoured to meet you, maam.

Now shall we try?

All together!


Honoured to meet you, maam. Honoured to meet you, maam.

I'm sure we can do better than that. Lady Felicity?

Now watch.

Honoured to meet you, maam.

Now try again.

Honoured to meet you, maam.

Much better, much better.

Oh dear!

That's not industrial action, is it? No, out of the question.

I hope there's not going to be any trouble? No, no, it's alright Sir Anthony.

We have full auxiliary supplies in case of an emergency.

Biles, you'd better run down to the boiler room and check with them.

My boys wouldn't be party to any insult to the Royal Family!

I'm pleased to hear that. One final thing: when you shake hands with HRH, you don't grip... just the lightest of touches.

Quiet a moment!

That's a crowd!

Good Lord!

Wild devil, Ngami, Come out!

This is an outrage! That's Elisha Odingu, or I'm a Dutchman!

The Peasant Revolutionary Party demands vengeance for your atrocities!

Vengeance! Vengeance!

This is a disaster! Disaster? It's a catastrophe!

Can't say I didn't warn you, Mr Potter.

...a big welcome to our brothers and our sisters of the International Revolutionary Movement.

Their struggle is our struggle!

Capitalist imperialism is our common enemy.

Capitalism means war, unemployment... poverty, racial and sexual oppression.

Only by complete destruction of capitalism can we make an end to the exploiters, the vermin who threaten us and our children with their death-dealing... it's getting out of hand!

We'll respond to violence with violence Red to Spider. Where are you?

Red to Spider. Let's hear from you!

Hey, what are you up to? Come on!

Let's make movies! Hey, come back!


Sammy, why...

And now, with their media lackeys who hide human suffering into entertainment for the capitalist bourgeoisie...

Come and get me, crush me!

On top of the world!

There is no way I can authorise a visit by HRH under these conditions!

You gave us your assurance that there would be no unpleasantness.

But this is quite beyond our jurisdiction. We can't cancel now, there's too much at stake.

That's not a usual crowd.

They're the riff raff of the welfare state. Well not my people!

That's your lot out there, Ben. Why don' you get them under control?

They've been provoked beyond endurance.

Arse holes!

Ooh, my face!

Don't panic.

Tom, help me with these shutters please.

Sir Anthony, contact the Palace, tell them to divert HRH. Here's an outside line.

I'm not going to go blind, am I? Now just sit very, very still.

What's that? Battersea Dogs' Home? I dialled 1-23-99-00!

Please get off the line!

Ah yes, here's a teeny bit of glass. Tweezers?


No, I do NOT want a mini-cab!

Now, this may hurt a bit...


Brave girl.

The Palace, sir.

Put me through to Commander Ferris immediately! Purple Alert.

Commander, Mount here. We've got trouble down at Britannia.

You must deflect HRH.

She's already left.

She's on her way! Tell them to use the radio.

Use the radio. It's malfunctioning.

What do you mean it's malfunctioning?

It's up the creek!

The radio's malfunctioning.

Then send a helicopter! Righty ho.

They've lost contact with HRH.

This is all terribly unfortunate. You'll have to cancel the ceremony.

You mean surrender? Well there seems to be no alternative.


I LOVE this hospital!

It's my whole life!

It's been wife, mother, child to me; I've given it everything!

And nothing's going to wreck it! Nothing!

No one!

We're with you Vincent. My members will stand fast.

I gave you my word, Mr Potter, and I'll stick to it.

You can count on my lads. They'll keep things going.

Don't worry. The emergency system will come on in 3 seconds.

One, two, three...


Johns, call the riot squad immediately! They're standing by, sir.

Get me the boiler room immediately!

Johns here, SPG.

SPG? I want the boiler room!

What boiler room?

It's sabotage, sir! They're joining the demo... The boiler room, not a minute to lose.

What? Where are you going? Get back to work! Strike action, Mr Potter.

Workers' solidarity Private patient chows.

You're fired! We've taken over.

Go on, get down!

The lever over there, on the left... Pull it down.

That's the one. Hey, you!

Get away from there! What d'ya think you're up to? Get out of it...

That was a close shave!

Cartilage? Completed.

Fibula? Integrated.

Rectum? Functional, sir.

We will proceed.

Ultimate component, Dr MacMillan, please.

That last power failure, doctor... the refrigeration unit's packed up.

The ancillary motor's malfunctioned. I don't like the look of the head.

Ultra red emergency, sir. 15 seconds' hold.

We've lost the head, J.M.

You're right.

It's beginning to pulp.

That intruder... Bring him out!

Temperature, nurse?

He'll do. Onto the table.


Cleaver. No, Professor, no!

Out of my way, woman!

Cauterise and continue.

Standby with laser needle.


Your work will go on. there is an end to imperialism! an end to privilege!

Where are you off to?

Solidarity, Potter. We're joining our lads outside.

Larger loyalties, Mr Potter We're all on the same side, lads!

Not in a class war, we're not. Not in the inevitable march of socialism, Potter!

What about the few? Remember the Battle of Britain!

Remember the peasants' revolt! Remember the thin red line!

Remember the Odessa Steppes!

You wouldn't know Karl Marx from a toffee apple!

This hospital is run on £125 million of your money every year

for the privileged few lying in there, when ordinary people are dying in the gutter.

Privilege is a crime!

Private patients are criminals!

Private patients out! Private patients out!

Whisky Romeo 3 and 7, come in. This is Foxtrot control.

I'm fearful, Johns.

If HRH falls into the hands of THAT mob, there's no knowing what might happen.

Private patients out! Private patients out!

How long can your men hold them, Chief Superintendent?

My men will stand firm to the end, sir, but that's a dangerous mob. Yes?

They're peasants!

...getting completely out of hand!

My forces located HRH.

Tell them to stall her for 5 minutes; I've got a plan.

Hold everything! Biles, how many have we got in the private wing?

Twenty-six, sir. Thirty-five including President Ngami and his retinue.

Right, that should satisfy them. Get me the Red Cross on the other line.

Phyllis, you're not deserting us?

No such thing, Vincent Potter. Me and my girls stay true to our word.

Do you have a petticoat on under that outfit? Yes.

White? Of course.

Good, get it off! What?

Well come on, come on girl, get it off, we've got no time to waste!

I'm going out.

Laser needle.

Full power!

Request for parley.

Come forward, in peace.

Let them pass.

Let Comrade Potter through!

The path of progress conquers!

The way of reason prevails! Death to privileges!

Today the principles of equality have won a great victory.

Britannia Hospital will no longer offer privilege to the wealthy few.

Britannia's private patients will be ejected!

And in return, comrades, we will show mercy.

Ambulances are waiting to carry the victims of this morning's bomb disaster to this hospital.

Stand back brothers! Let the ambulances through.


Thank you.

Now... Power...




Now increase to full consciousness level.


Welcome to the world!

Get it off me!

Take it off, take it off!

Get me a cleaver, a cleaver!

Your hand!

It's nothing - minor abrasions.

Stand back!



So much for the humane solution.

That dream is over.

It shall be as she wished.

Today, I will give Genesis to the word.

Oh, dear oh dear oh dear.

Thank God they don't know she's here. Yet.

Honoured to meet you maam.

Superintendent, can you guarantee the safety of HRH?

Sir, she's as safe here as in Windsor Castle.

Just look at all those comedians, eh!

What a sight!

Look at that uniform!

Would you mind?

Hey man, that's her!

They got her inside! The lying bastards!

They've tricked us! We've been had. The Royals ARE inside!

Things are getting out of control!

There's only one thing to do... - cut the tour, - and the lunch - and advance the ceremony.

Biles, check the red carpet, and the orchestra. Alert Millar. Yes sir.

Get all this stuff out!

Sweep the exploiters from the face of the Earth!

Equality! Equality!


This is disgraceful. Quick, do something!

Disgraceful. There can be no excuse for this kind of behaviour. We've got to cut this short.

This is disgraceful! HRH must be protected.

This is no good. Get her inside now! But this is the Japanese anthem!

To hell with that anthem!

Potter, get the key!

Stop! Get them off!

If you please, maam.

May I?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Tell them to hold the Centre at all costs. Deploy skirmishes right AND left.

Scum! Don't distress yourself, dear.

Don't antagonise them!

Bastards! Bastards!

Open up! Open up!

Open up, open up, get these doors open!

Feeney! Open these doors!

Please, please...

...should be only 10 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, you are perfectly safe.

Those doors are fitted with an electronic locking device and can withstand unlimited pressure.

Now I must ask your indulgence for a few moments. There will be a short delay and then Professor Millar's demonstration will proceed according to plan. Thank you.

Ah, there you are Peter. Come on in! Down to the front.

These seats are reserved.

Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen, the demonstration is prepared.

Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen, we live in an age of revolution.

Revolution in thought, revolution in society, revolution in technology.

The revolution of today is transforming our world more violently than the Industrial Revolution which gave man power over the natural forces which had controlled him for 20,000 years.

We are entering a new era.

I am going to show you the face of that new era.

They're in, sir, they're in!

They've got us outnumbered, Mr Potter.

We can't hold them back! Don't panic!

Prepare to evacuate!


Keep your seats! Everybody!



Little men, little men, do you claim to speak for the future?

We do!

And who speaks for you? I do!

Come forward!

Come forward in peace, and I will show you what the future means.

Let them through!

Follow me.

Take a seat.

Friends, fellow members of the human race, we are gathered here for a purpose.

Let us look together at mankind.

What do we see?

We see mastery.

What wonders mankind can perform!

He can cross oceans and continents today as easily as our grandfathers crossed the street.

Tomorrow, he will as easily cross the vast territories of space.

He can make deserts fertile, and plant cabbages on the moon.

And what does man choose?

Alone among the creatures of this world, the human race chooses to annihilate itself.

Since the last world conflict ended there has not been one day in which human beings have not been slaughtering or wounding one another in 230 different wars.

An man breeds as recklessly as he lays waste.

By the end of the century, the population of the world will have tripled, two-thirds of our plant species will have been destroyed, 55% of the animal kingdom, and 70% of our mineral resources.

Out of every 100 human beings now living

80 will die without ever knowing what it feels like to be fully nourished, while a tiny minority indulge themselves in absurd and extravagant luxury.

A motion-picture entertainer of North America will receive as much money in a month as would feed a starving South American tribe for 100 years!

We waste!

We destroy!

And we cling like savages to our superstitions.

We give power to leaders of State and Church as prejudiced and small-minded as ourselves, who squander our resources on instruments of destruction while millions continue to suffer and go hungry condemned forever to lives of ignorance and deprivation, and why is this?

It is because mankind has denied intelligence, the unique glory of our species:

the human brain.

Man is entering an era of infinite possibility, still imprisoned in a feeble, inefficient body, still manacled by primitive notions of morality which have no place in an age of science, still powered by a brain that has hardly developed since the species emerged from the caves.

Only a new intelligence can save mankind!

Only a new human being of pure brain can lead man forward into the new era.

I do not speak of dreams... such a being exists already.

I have created it. It is here, now.

Prepare yourselves to meet the human of the future.

Neither man, nor woman, greater than either.

I have given it a name:

Genesis, "Birth".

A new birth, a new beginning for mankind.

People of today, behold your future! behold your future!

100,000 times more powerful than your brain, or mine.

And in 5 years' time, this brain will be out of date.

This spongy, finite, vulnerable substance will be replaced by a silicon chip

1/8th of a millimetre square.

Within 50 years it will be possible to contain the entire world of homosapiens in a matchbox.

You see the face of the future, now hear its voice...

What a piece of work is a man!

How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving.

How express and admirable in action.

How like an angel in apprehension.

How like a god !