Brother Nature (2016) Script


The inset is perfect.

All right, it's ready.

And you're positive?

Yes, thank you for your patience.

I know I've sent it back a few times for adjustments...


Five times. Yeah.

Well, I hope you and your future bride will live happily ever after.

I hope you live happily ever after yourself.

Nothing's gonna happen for me until I get these bangs figured out.





SUZY: Roger! ROGER: Hey.

Congressman McClaren should be here at 11:41.

Is this the rewrite on his speech? Yeah.

Good. Good.

Let's cut this section. Start with "Born in Seattle" and go into the dedication of troops.

Okay so, wait...

Actually no, I'll do that. Okay.

Do you want me to run a sound check?

Already did that. Are there too many red balloons on this side?

Um. Maybe. Do you want me to do something?

Yeah. Grab the raw veggies out of my car and put them on ice?



Roger. Hey, Riggleman, are these balloons symmetrical?

We have a situation.

This is the a cappella group, The Founding Fathers.

They're the opening act for Frank.

Ah. Gentlemen, I'm Roger Fellner, Congressman McClaren's Chief of Staff.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, our bass is drunk.

If it's talk about me, I'm right here.

You have a problem, Gabe!

Don't provoke him, please.

Uh, if I may suggest something?

If you three switch your baritone to a bassitone and then you transpose it up half a step, you'll still have a nice, clean three-part harmony.

It's not going to be perfect, but they won't know the difference.


* My girl's got an independent type of constitution

* I tried to amend her but there's nothin' doin'

I see why one of them had to drink.

* ...and now Congressman Frank McClaren! *


I've been coming to this festival for longer than I can remember, but somehow the funnel cake keeps getting tastier.


I was born and raised here in Seattle...


No, no, no.

Guess what? I'm the best!






Is he okay?


Might be time to check the prescription on those bifocals, Ben.


Frank, I take full responsibility.

I don't think any clips will end up on YouTube...

Roger, lighten up.

I recovered. (LAUGHS) That bifocal line destroyed.

And just off the top of your head I was like, "Am I watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Oh. Thank you. That's my favorite show.

I've decided not to run for re-election. (LAUGHS)

Oh, my... Are you okay? Is it your health or...

I'm fine. My wife left me...

Oh! That bitch! ...a note, Roger.

She left me a note saying that she missed me.

You know, it made me realize I miss her, too.

(CHUCKLES) Now, I know it doesn't give you much time...

You've given me more than time, you've given me...

You need to let me complete my sentences, Roger.

Time to campaign.

I think that you should run for my seat.

There's no one more qualified...

Yes. I will do it.

You don't need to give me an answer now.

You can discuss it with your family. I'll do it. I want it.

I'm definitely prepared. I think education reform should be my...

Roger, take a deep breath.

I want you to really think about this.

This job consumes every part of you.

Now, I'm telling you now so you have the vacation to consider.

And when we get back, if you still want it, you have my full endorsement.

Sir, I cannot thank you enough.

This is my dream... My whole life... Since fifth-grade student council I knew that... (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry if I seem a little distracted but drunk Ben Franklin is back, and I just want to make sure that baby he's holding is his baby.

Yes, you should do that. Okay!

See you in a week. So grateful. Thank you!

Hey, is that your baby? Yes, it is.

Is that your baby? This is my baby.

I am speechless. Come on. I couldn't do it without you.

That's not true. No, that's not entirely true.

I could probably do a fair amount, but...

Riggleman, will you be my campaign manager?


Of course, Roger! Yes. A hundred times, yes!

Sure, sure. I'll get started right away.

I'll get a scout, get headquarters...

Well don't break your back, you know, enjoy your vacation.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Uh, all I have planned is Mother's birthday.

Well, that's nice. No, it's not nice.

All she wanted this year was to take me to get a haircut.

Which means we will go to a salon, of her choosing, and she will watch me receive a haircut, of her choosing.

(CHUCKLES) Moms, gotta love them, right?

I don't love my mom. I fear her.

Uh-huh. Well, I gotta go. I'm late.

...and because of your generous donations, the Read the World Foundation can continue its work traveling the globe, and building libraries in under-developed countries.

This year, we're asking for your help to raise money for our trip to Bangladesh, where we'll spend three months establishing literacy programs in the Sundarbans.


Thank you for the $5. Great to see you!

Okay, take care. Bye.

So great, start to finish... (CHUCKLES)

I saw you come in late.

I know. I'm sorry. Drunk Ben Franklin stole a baby.

That old excuse? I know.

But I would like to make a very generous donation as an apology.

Ooh! Accepted. Now we only mostly didn't reach our goal. (SIGHS)

Oh, no, is it bad?

Well, we have a big fundraiser next month, but we are so far behind.

Well, I guess maybe you just don't leave your boyfriend for three months?

Maybe you come with me?

Will you settle for a week with your folks at the lake?

I can't wait for you to see it, it's so wonderful there.

And we deserve a break.

Absolutely. Yes.

Is now a bad time to tell you I'm running for Congress?


CATHY: Hi, Gwennie! (KISSING)

Hi, guys! Hi, kiddo, how are you?

Ew! Dad, what are you chewing on? Back away from the camera!


What are you packing for? Come on, get here!

CATHY: Did you get my email about packing your own towels?

Because for some reason the only ones that aren't being used have these weird stains on them.

I packed towels. CATHY: Oh! Hi, Roger!

Hey, guys. Hi!

Guys, (WHISPERS) Roger is running for Congress! Oh...

CATHY: (GASPS) Congratulations!

Oh, my God!

Mr. President in the making! You're the man! (LAUGHS)


I gotta go get the stuff out of the dryer. I love you guys, I'll see you tomorrow!

No, don't, uh, hang up. I just got to ask them...

Just about, um... Because the weather was, uh...

Hey, guys. Um, actually, when we get up there, I would love to find a moment alone with the two of you to discuss something.

JERRY: You're going down! (GAME SOUNDS)

Oh, my God, we're under attack!

Gotta go. Under attack! Ow! Ow! Ow!


That one hit my boob, Todd!

Oh, man, it's a war zone over there (LAUGHS)



Who is this?

MAN: (HOARSELY) Tomorrow, you're mine.



Hey, Gwen... Mmm-hmm.

Your sister's boyfriend Todd sent me a friend request on Facebook. Oh. That's nice.

I mean, we haven't met before, right?

No, because they live in Colorado and he wasn't at Thanksgiving because he had something at the camp.

"The camp"? Yeah, he's a counselor. You knew that.

I just didn't realize it was like a year-round thing.

I mean, he seems like a fun guy.

Are you ready for your first political scandal, Mr. Future-Congressman?

I love you so much.

No, don't get romantic because then I'm going to get self-conscious.

Sorry. Keep the fantasy. Get over here.

Mmm. Scandal me!




What now? Mom, I got a splinter.

Oh! Jesus, Spencer, that looks awful.

Probably going to scar.

I'm going to get some disinfectant. Mel, watch them.

Love you too, babe.

ROGER: Oh! It's so cute!

GWEN: Are you in love already or what?


MARGIE: (GASPS) They're here!


Hey, Roger! How are you?

Good. Good. So good to see you!

Tell me everything. What's going on?

MARGIE: Okay. Well, Aunt Pam is going through menopause...

Roger! Hi, Roger.

How are you? Very good. Very happy to be here.

So are we, hon. And dinner's almost ready.

Oh! You're not a vegetarian, are you?

Oh! No. Okay, good.

Because look at this beast. (EXCLAIMS)

It looks so good I could nut! (LAUGHS)

JERRY: Right.

Did your mom just say, "I could nut"?

Yeah. It's her fun spin on "I'm going nuts."

She's said it since we were kids.

Don't worry, she doesn't mean it the other way.


Great. I have lake hair. I just threw on this sweatshirt.

I look freakish. I didn't realize I'd be meeting him like this, Gwen.

You look great to me. Okay, well, that's a lie.

I'm Pam. Hi. Roger.

MEL: Of course he's lying, he's a politician.

Gwen. What are you doing with all my taxes?

Just lining the pockets of corporate America.

Oh, yeah? More like... Should be cargo pants.

I'm sorry? You said "pockets"...

I thought... A lot of... I'm Mel.

Hey. Roger.

(SIGHS) Hey, little man. (SCREAMING)

What is wrong with you? He got a splinter, guy!

I'm so sorry. PAM: Come on, honey, let's go inside.

He's only 11, guy. PAM: I mean, really!

I didn't see the splinter. I thought he was going for like a low five...


I thought he was going for a low five.

So did I. Should I go in there?

No. No. No. Give them a moment to cool down.

Because Mel and Pam are kind of angry people. They're hateful.


He's here!

He's here!

Don't leave! I'm coming!

Oh, yeah!

Hey, man. He's here! Whoo! (LAUGHING)

Watch your feet, you've got open toes on.

(SCREAMING) Hey, buddy, I'm Roger.

Yes! I knew it! (LAUGHING)

I'm so happy you're here!

Hi, Gwen.

Thank you for bringing me a new toy to play with.


Man, I'm so happy you're here!

TODD: I'm doing it again! I know. Just go easy.

Sorry. They haven't even unpacked yet.

On it.

You, with me. We carry heavy things, for this is man's work.


It's Tim Allen. Home Improvement?

Oh! Sure. "I don't think so, Tim."

You're my Al.

Let's do this. Come on! Great show.

TODD: Oh, yeah!

Hey, did you get my friend request?


I noticed you didn't accept it.

Oh, yeah. I haven't really had a chance.

You got time now. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. Can we unpack first?

Totally. (LAUGHS) I love unpacking.

Oh, man, it's just so good to finally meet you, you know. I got that. (LAUGHS)

How long have you and Gwen been together now?

Uh. Almost two years.

Two years! (LAUGHS) Oh, wow!

And at last we are united. (CHUCKLES)

Good things take time, I guess. I got that.

Sorry. I should know, man. I've been dating Margie for what, five years now?

Still don't see a ring on it. (LAUGHING)

Hey, man, just don't beat me to the proposal punch. Okay?

Because I got seniority.

And it'll make me look nada so good.



You speak Spanish? It was. Yeah.

And then I went like that... For the sombrero.


Don't get me wrong. Margie is most def the one.

Them Turley girls, they yummy.

They're lovely women.

I just want to do it right, you know?

I think everybody has to propose when it feels best for them.

Beautiful. I'll dap on that.

Whoa! (LAUGHS)

No, man. Dap it. I'm a dapper.

Pew, pew! (LAUGHS) Oh!

You got me. Shot you in the face.

Would never do it. Would never do it.

Hey, let me grab that for you. No, I got it.

TODD: No, let me grab it. (GRUNTS) Okay. Thank you.

Okay, everyone, meat's ready!


Look at this. Honey, it's so good. Beautiful!

Salt and pepper.

Dibs on the seat next to Roger! (LAUGHING)

It's only a week. It's only a week.

Baby Gwen!

Oh! Don't look at that. Oh, God!


You're so cute though, I want to kiss it.

Hey, Rog. Hey, Jerry. Great.

Oh! I see you found the Wall of Gill.

ROGER: Oh, yeah, Gill is the fish.

JERRY: Oh! Largest trout in the lake.

He's kind of an unofficial town mascot, too. Oh!

Everybody in the family's caught him. Look.

There's Melster and Todd. Pam.

ROGER: He's gigantic! Yeah.

I mean, he's like the size of a small...

'84 Olympics. Is that you?

Mmm-hmm. Looking good, Jerry.

Almost medaled but the French beat us.


They were kind of so smug about it, too.

They started kissing their medals in front of me. Uh...

You aren't French, are you?

No, sir.

Attaboy. Yeah.

Hey, let's eat.

CATHY: Check this out. (EXCLAIMS)

I also prefer to eat my dessert first.

No, actually, Grandma Hibby has severe sciatica. Oh.

So I put together a completely legal "herbal" snack pack.

Special candy bars and chips and stuff, you know.

All with a little THC, a little... (IMITATES SMOKING BONG)

You feeling good, Hibby?

Flyin'. (LAUGHING)

I saw her talking to an old boot the other day. (LAUGHS)

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Gwen, how'd you meet the high-five king?

It was New Year's Eve. Neither one of us had anyone to kiss.

So I told him if we started at 11:59, our first kiss would last for two years.

How could I say no? (LAUGHS)

Yeah, but it wasn't a two-year kiss, it was probably like a minute.

Hey, everybody, can I have the floor?


Being the baby in a family of six sisters, you know, I've always wanted a brother.

I guess I was a good boy, because my wish finally came true.

Roger Rabbit over here. (LAUGHING)

Uno more thing, sir.

Rich Spanish guy, um...

I actually have some big news.

Margie's pregnant. I told you she was showing.

No, Pam. I'm not pregnant.

No. Guys, I'm leaving my job at the camp.

What? TODD: But it's for a good reason.

I'm going to be taking a higher paying gig as a program director at the new Youth Center...

In Seattle!

What? Are you moving to Seattle?

Yes. It was so hard not to say anything. (IMITATING JAWS THEME)

You're dead to me. You're dead to me.

Get used to seeing this face, sir.

Because you are going to be seeing it all the time!

All the time!

All the time! Everybody!

FAMILY: (CHANTING) All the time!

All the time!

So, you guys are in this cabin.

And that one is Todd and Margie's.

You know, I forgot my satchel back in the house, I'll be right back.

Did he just say "satchel"? Unfortunately, yes.


(GASPS) Oh, no.

GWEN: My God. Look, they're so cute.

Oh! I want to hold them close to my face.

No, you do not.

You know that their sacks are primed to spray and that scent can linger for months!

Todd, go get a box and some syrup.

TODD: Got it. Look at the little one. He's my friend.

MARGIE: Ooh! His name's Langdon.

CATHY: No. Don't name them. Don't get attached.

I'm not naming them. That is his name.

I'm sensing it.

(CATHY GASPS) Oh, no, it's the mom.

(WHISPERS) Nobody. Move.

(SHOUTS) Got the satchel! (WOMEN SCREAMING)

Okay, on three. Jerry, I'm standing right here, buddy.

Cathy, I am so sorry.

I will pay for whatever cleaning service you need for the cabin...

Oh! Stop it, please. That thing needed renovating anyway.

Luckily, we have two. MARGIE: Look!

Dream Phone! GWEN: Oh, my God.

Does that thing still work?

MARGIE: You tell me.

(GASPS) Phone call. MALE VOICE: I think your face is cute.

Well, your room is all set.

And if you need anything, you know where to find us.

Thank you so much. Yeah.

Actually, uh, Cathy, sorry.

I would love to find that moment alone with you and Jerry, sometime tomorrow, maybe just the three of us.

Oh! Absolutely. Jerry and I always go for a morning hike.

Oh! That's great. Consider me your co-hiker.

It's early. 7:00 a.m. sharp.

That's okay. I am an early bird. I will be there.

All right, I can't wait. I'm gonna nut! Me too.

7:00 a.m.! 7:00 a.m.


Welcome to the free hostel.


It's Todd.

Yeah, I recognized you from the denim pajama pants.

Mmm. Thank you, they're pa-jean-as! Ooh!

I see you brought the camping essentials of wig and funny glasses.

Wrong-o. I brought a bunch of them.

Behold the wig museum. (LAUGHING)

Seriously though, they're communal. So, feel free to take whatever you want.

I highly suggest raptor head.

Oh! Thank goodness, because I left my raptor head at home.

You have a raptor head at home?

Shut it down.

You got me, bro.

Gwen, I think we're going to keep this one.


Let me get that for you, clear a little space.

Sorry. It's my white noise machine.

Need this bad boy to sleep.

My roommate had one of those. She played forest sounds.

Oh, nice. I use Casino Floor.

"Casino Floor"?

Yeah. I grew up in Reno. My mom was a blackjack dealer, so I spent a lot of time at casinees.

The sounds are just soothing to me I guess.

I hated it when he first started staying over, but now I can't sleep without it.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Oh. Is this going to bother you? I didn't even think of asking.

I'm a heavy sleeper, so I'm fine, but did you bring earplugs?

I did not.

Rog-Mahal, trust me.

This thing is going to conk your butt right out!


TODD: Need I say more? (LAUGHING)




MAN: (ON RECORDING) No more bets.









...flying home, 'cause I got a text on my pager...

...oh, this is not my mess.

JERRY: It was so his mess! TODD: It was so his mess!

Hey, Roger!

I slept in. JERRY: Don't worry about it.

You're on vacation. Not a problem.

I'm so sorry. I just... I had a hard time falling asleep last night.

Oh, Rog, if you want to switch beds, man, you just let me know. Okay?

Aw, beautiful. Hey, Rog...


I got the squirrel bite on my nuts to prove it.

(LAUGHS) Oh! Oh!

That's why the walks are fun.

I'm gonna go check on Margie.


I feel awful that I missed this hike, just because it would have been a better setting than this.

I want to talk to you about something important...

MIESHA: Good morning, Turleys!

JERRY: Good morning!

Miesha! This is Gwen's boyfriend, Roger.

Welcome. Magic is real.

And it lives right here.


You know, Miesha lives here all year long and he takes care of the place when we're gone.

And that's Laerke.

It's a pleasure to meet both of you.

And that's a lovely painting, Laerke.

Oh, Laerke speaks no English.

But I will relay your kindness. Please believe me.

Have a good one!

What were you saying? He interrupted.

Well, yeah, actually, if you're free right now I'd love to take you out to breakfast.


You guys want waffles or French toast?

Oh! You've got to try his legendary French toast. (LAUGHING)

Jer, can I put you on the crumble topping?

I've been summoned. (LAUGHING)

Hey, listen, don't worry about it. We'll find some time. We have all day.

Sure, totally. No, I just would love to find a moment...

Because it's important.



Whoa! Mel magic!




ROGER: Good morning. (GROANS)

I made you breakfast in bed.



Oh! Oh! Oh!

Roger? Oh! Yeah.

I am so sorry.

I saw someone standing over us.

I didn't mean to throw Shogun at your face.

Oh. That's okay. It's paperback. Come on. Are you okay, honey?

I didn't mean to scare you, I just literally don't think there will be another moment for the three of us to be alone.

But I'll keep it brief.


I love your daughter.

I think she is the most extraordinary, strong, intelligent, fun person I know, and I live to make her happy.

So, I wanted to ask you two for your blessing to ask her to marry me.


Of course, yes. Of course, honey.

That means a lot.

I would be misty right now, but I really can't get my eyes open.

Okay, I'm going to get out of your hair. You guys get back to sleep.

Oh, uh, and if you wouldn't mind keeping it under wraps, because I have a whole thing planned, so maybe don't say anything.

Our lips are zipped, Rog.

Okay, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Get some sleep. Sweet dreams.


(MOANING) I got your book... Oh, my God!


Roger, you have to knock!

Yeah. God, that was so fast.

JERRY: That's how we do it in this family.

Oh! Hubba hubba! Where you going?

I'm going swimming. You want to come?

I do. Let me grab my trunks.

Why are you in such a good mood?

I'm on vacation.

And when I'm on vacation, I, uh, kind of turn into Dr. Happy.


Do you also turn into an idiot?

Okay, well, that's your opinion.

Hey, what do you think about you and me going on a date this week?

When was the last time we went on a date?

Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

So, how about Thursday I take you out for the night of your life?

All right. I think I like Dr. Happy.

I mean, he's kind of the best, right?

And he's a doctor so you've got to trust him.

You know what's the worst though? What?

Whatever those are on your feet.

They're my aqua-toesies.

That's a deal-breaker as hell!

They're sleek, what are you talking about?

They're for balance and traction. They're hideous.

I don't know what's at the bottom of that lake.

They're useless.

Yeah, and you can't push me over because I'm sturdy as heck.

Yes, I can. Super grip!

Here, feel the super grip on the bottom.

No, don't put those near me. Feel the super grip.

That feels terrible. No. No. Here, just try them on.

Kiss my toesies. No! I'm not gonna kiss your...

Daddy, what're you doing to Mommy? (MIMICS SOBBING)


Hi, Todd. Hey.

Sorry to interrupt. Roy Rogers, you've got a phone call.


To be continued. Okay.

MAN: I can smell it through my mask, dude.

MAN 2: Get right down those edges.

MAN 3: Oh. This smells like this inside of a butt.

Hello? RIGGLEMAN: Ah! You're a hard man to reach.

Hey, yes, sorry. Reception sucks up here.

What's going on?

Bit of a crisis. It got out.

What got out? Frank's retirement.

His daughter freaking tweeted it.

And now I'm getting phone calls asking if Frank is dying.

Okay. I'll call Frank right now.

I just talked to him, he's getting on a plane.

But he wants to call you today or tomorrow.

Can I give him this phone number? Yes. Yes, please.

Did he sound upset? No. He was actually pretty chill.

You know, I like About-To-Retire Frank. He doesn't give a...


Yes, Mother?

That's gutter language! You are an educated man.

Not a gangbanger.


RIGGLEMAN: What, are you listening to NPR?

Sounds like you're getting the haircut. Uh-huh. Yeah.

It's her birthday.

Which is why none of the birds are singing today.

How are things over there? Great. Great. Yeah.

Gwen's family is fantastic. Um...

Her sister's boyfriend is a little...

A little what?

Well, right now he has a face painted on his belly.

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) He's laughing hysterically and he's all by himself.

Wow. You really hate this guy.

Yeah, but, uh, keep me updated.

And tell your mother I say hello.

I will not do that. Thank you.

BARBER: In the back, do you want it straight across or a V?

Let's go with a V. Straight across!

BARBER: Straight across...

No. It's my head.

BARBER: V? No... I guess... Let's go straight across.

That's fine.

(CHANTING) Do it! Do it!


Hi, Roger! Come on in!

Isn't this the life?

You get a chance to accept my friend request yet?

No. Not yet. I'm actually just doing a little work here.


Hey, can I talk to you about something?

I thought you weren't gonna propose before me.

And I heard that you were thinking about asking Gwen, and I just...

Got confused, I guess.

Where did you hear that? On the roof.

I was up there watching the sunrise and I heard something through the window.

I'm a curious little monkey.

Listen, Todd, I've had this proposal planned since before I even met you.

So, I am gonna do it.

Yeah. I get it. Yeah.

I just have a really fun idea that I think you'd like.

Hear me out. What about a dual proposal?

We could even like, make a suit with two heads in it...

We could be like one person but with two heads.

Uh... (SIGHS)


Just because it's kind of a whole thing.

I planned for us to go horseback riding, a sunset picnic with champagne on her favorite bluff where she used to hike to as a kid.

What's a bluff? It's kind of like a cliff.

You can kind of see it from there.

You could just call it a cliff. You know...

I even hired a caterer to have a dessert reception for the family.

There's going to be vintage port, so... Mmm.

Sounds classy as fug.

I could go halvsies?

That's not going to work, because it's very, very specifically designed to Gwen and I.

You know, she's leaving soon, so I would really like it to go as planned.

I get it.

You just want to get married to her before she gets away.

I got it.


I just figured since we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together, that we could propose to our girls together.

What do you mean, we're spending the rest of our lives together?

(CHUCKLES) Look at them, man, they're inseparable.

And when we move next to each other they're going to be even more inseparable.

We're gonna to be doing everything together.

We're gonna be brother-in-laws.


"Brothers" is plural. It's one "law".

Exactly. We are brothers now.

Technically, we're not even that yet.

Tell that to my heart.

TODD: Oh, my God. I can't wait. (LAUGHS)


My lady, I lick you very much.

Stop, you're getting it on the goatee.


Belly Bob Thornton! When did you get here?

TODD: Can I get some French fry potatoes? Mmm-hmm.

Give me a kiss, Roger.

Give me a kiss.

No, thank you. I'm spoken for.

Give me a kiss, Roger.

I'll blow you one.

You'll blow me?


TODD: Belly Bob Thornton want a kiss from you. (IMITATES KISSING)


You kissed my belly! Ew!


You know, I'm glad we can all laugh about this because as we all know this lake was the site of a horrific tragedy.

Todd, if you talk about scary stuff I'm going to have nightmares and I'm leaving.

TODD: Fraidy cat! Meow.

What was it, 13, 14 years ago now?

What happened?

A whole family was murdered right here on this lake.

By a crazy person with a chainsaw.

One by one in the dark.

That is not true. Stop.

It is true, Pam. Bing it.

I'm not going to Bing it.

And the scary thing is, they never found the guy.

Last thing I heard, they found him hiding under a...


Did you hear that?

Hibby, you heard that, right?

I'm going to go check this out.

Spencer, maybe you should go with him?

No way!

Go on. Go.

No! Please! (GASPING)

Help me.

I loved you.


Todd, that is even better than last year!

He got blood on my sweater.






Roger! Roger, stop! It's me! (LAUGHING)

It's me. Margie.

Dude. We got you!


He screamed so high. (LAUGHING)

Oh. Spencer. Oh, I'm so sorry.

You broke a table with my son.


JERRY: So, how's little Spencer doing?

He's got a really bad sprain.

Pam's putting a bandage on him right now.

(SIGHS) What a putz!


Now, your entire family hates me.

Spencer does hate you, but he has a pretty good reason.

I'm pretty sure Cody hates me, too.

GWEN: Wow, he's giving you the double.

Todd did that to make me look like an idiot.

But that wasn't just for you. That was for everybody.

No, he said... Remember, he said, "We got you."

Because he did. Because you screamed like a little girl.

No, he's trying to get back at me.

For what?

I don't know what.

He's been combative with me since we got here.

(LAUGHS) Todd is a lot of things, but combative is not one of them.

You got to relax.

Remember, that's why we came up here.

That, and so you could bond with my family, but you've tanked that.

I'm trying to be... It's a joke, Roger. It's a joke.


why don't you come with me?

Where are we going?

I'm going to take you to a pet cemetery.

Come on, you big puss.

Can you see where you're stepping?

Shh. Why don't you just relax?

You might actually have a really good time.

What does that mean?

I think you'll find out soon enough.

Oh! There's mud here. Be careful.

ROGER: What am I gonna... Oh. This mud? Yeah, found it.

It's the sticky kind.



Where did you go?



What are you doing?

GWEN: What do you think I'm doing?

Come on in, you creep.



Come out and play. (LAUGHS)


Here I come.


Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!

Stop fighting!

This is why we don't have candy for breakfast.

Maybe today we give each other a little breathing room.

What do you think?

Let's go. Let's go.


Hey there, early bird. Hey, you.

Hey. Morning.

Hey, Dad. You going to go catch us some dinner?

No. I'm just going to throw a couple of lines out from the dock.

Catch and release, you know.

Roger, you want to join me? Um...

Yeah. I've never done it before.

Oh! It's a blast. I'll show you the ropes.

Great. Let me get changed.

TODD: Come on, Gill. Where are you? (LAUGHING)

ROGER: Hey, gentlemen.

Hey. Is this seat taken?

No. Just for you. No, Rog. Join us.

Grab that pole. Thank you, Jer.

Thanks so much, Jerry. This is the life.

I'm glad you guys could make it.

Both of you.

It's kind of a tricky thing, a father meets his daughter's boyfriends.

You know, after all, you're sexing up my little girls.

What? No, me and Margie just hold hands.

(LAUGHS) Nice try. Roger?

Oh, I...

I promise, I'm the most respectful, um...

Hey, Godspeed.

Because at a certain moment you got to just trust that you've raised your kids to have good taste.

And I think mine do.

I really appreciate that, Jerry. It means a lot.

Choosing who to share your life with, that's the most important decision you'll ever make in your whole lives.

I remember me, it was after the '84 Olympics, I flipped this super-charged golf cart and completely destroyed my shoulder.

Cath came down to the hospital.

I said, "What now?"

She said, "We'll figure it out."

And then, right there, in the hospital...

She tugged it.


That's beautiful.

(CHUCKLES) Your father is probably telling the hospital tugged-it story.

(SIGHS) I love that story. It's so romantic.

Yeah, it's a beautiful story. Now the left side.

It just stinks that you're gonna be gone for three months the second I move to Seattle.

It'll be over before you know it.

Hey, honey, where are you going again? Bulgaria?


Oh! Bangladesh is gorgeous in the summertime.

You must avoid eating the Dolpudi fish though.

It causes insanity.

And circle the hips.

Wow. Gwen, you know, if Roger gets elected, you're gonna be dating a public figure.

That's a lot of pressure.

You know, when Todd was head camp counselor I had to share the spotlight with him, it was so hard on us.

We almost broke up.

MIESHA: And now squat position.

Use your bo for balance.

GWEN: I don't know. We haven't even really talked about it.

What does a congressman's girlfriend do?

All right. Are we all loose and ready?


(SHOUTS) Begin!



Well, guess what, guys?

I had these two beers, and now I've got to pee.


Need anything? Anybody?

I'm good. I'll take a hot milk.

Thank you.

You know, I didn't get a lot of this growing up.

Fishing? No. Guy time.

With six sisters, you'd think I'd get at least a boyfriend or a brother-in-law. (LAUGHS)

But, alas, all lesbians. (SIGHS)

All six of your sisters are lesbians?

Indeed. But I got my little bros at camp. So... (LAUGHS)

They keep me going.

Check this out. That's Oscar.

He's got like a really sucky home life.

But he's an amazing artist.

I told him if he drew me a picture every day for the whole summer I would get him off of cleaning duty.

By the end of the summer he had a whole portfolio.

Now, he's going to art school on a scholarship.

Wow. Yeah.

He drew that for me. Isn't that amazing? Oh! (LAUGHS)

That's great. That's you?

Yeah. He got the neck just right. (LAUGHS)

Looks just like it. Yeah. That's incredible.

Are those grenades? Yeah.

I have a grenade collection at home.

So he's just working from real life, he's amazing.

He made me a superhero.

Busting through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

"Oh, yeah!"

More precious than gold.

Todd, that's... Oh.


Here we go. I think I caught a fish!

Yeah, you did. Okay. So what do I do?

Reel that bitch in. Come on. Just keep turning?

Yeah. Just reel it for three seconds then pull real hard to set the hook.

BOTH: Reel, reel, reel.


Reel... Oh, boy. Oh, man!

That is a big one, huh? (LAUGHS)

Oh! No way.

That stripe... Gill! That's Gill!

That's Gill? You caught Gill!

I caught Gill!

(SHOUTS) Jerry! Roger got Gill!

ROGER: I got Gill! All right. I'll get everybody.

Oh! There he is! There he is!

Okay, I got it.


Yes, it's Gill!

You put on some pounds, you big fat bastard.

Good job, honey.

I'm so proud of you.

Gilly boy, good to see you.

Good job, Roger! Thanks, buddy.

Triumphant smile.

It's going on the wall!

All right, now we've got to put him back.

Okay, so I just... Pull the hook out?

Yeah. Take the hook out and send him home.

Okay. He's not going to bite me, right? You got it, man.

No. TODD: Come on, Rog, just grab it.

Yeah, come on, just pull back real hard.

You just got to finesse it a little bit.

Let's go. Take it out. Take it out.

It's stuck in there really good.

Okay, man, you just got to give it a quick up-shimmy and then pull back.

What is an up-shimmy?

Up-shimmy, it's an up-shimmy...

Down, and then up-shimmy!

Up-shimmy, Roger. Up-shimmy.

It's stuck on a bone. Roger, please...

You please! You please! You're killing him!

(SCREAMING) Take it out!

Just give it an up-shimmy and then pull it as hard as you can!

I am up-shimmying!





Oh! Oh! Oh!

Stop it! We can stop the bleeding!

We can save... He's okay. He's okay!


He's gonna be fine.


Please, will you just kick that into the water. Please.

(ALL GROANING) It's on my foot. I can't...

I'm going to expel.

Out of my way!

(GRUNTING LOUDLY) Here, here, here!

(SHOUTING) Get it off! Get it off!



Good night, sweet prince.


Was that my fault?

No, Roger. It was Gill's fault.

Todd said to just pull as hard as I could...

Well, after an up-shimmy.

Boys, boys, boys. It was nobody's fault.

It was just a very, very, very, tragic accident.

And, uh, we don't blame you, Roger, at all.

Maybe... Maybe that wasn't Gill.

Maybe Gill had a twin.

No. Gill's an only child.

Roger, telephone call.

It's Frank. Frank.

I got to take this call.

Right now? I'm so sorry.

I'll come back to clean.

Take your call, Roger. Take your phone call.

Say goodbye.


ROGER: (ON PHONE) Hello? Roger, it's Frank.

Is there any possible way I could call you back in 30 minutes?

Nope. The party is pressing me to make a statement.

The media thinks a scandal is involved.

"McClaren dick pic" is trending on Twitter.

Sir, please tell me there's no such picture.

Oh! Of course not!

But the party's not going to wait until next week and they are understandably forcing my hand.

Which means I have to force yours.

So, are you in?

Yes. Yes, of course. I'm in.


Hey look, Channel 3 is interviewing me on the 4th and I'd like you here with me to announce that you're running for my seat.

Well, I'm actually still up at Trout Lake.

And I'm planning on proposing tomorrow...

You know what, this could work in our favor.

Newly engaged family man.

Beautiful outdoor setting in Washington State.

I mean, it's a nice introduction.

Are you saying we should do it up here?

Of course. We'll send a camera crew to you.

We'll satellite you in.


I think I could make that work.

Your life is going to change.

Thank you, sir. I'll talk to you soon.

MAN: * I would swallow my pride I would choke on the rinds

* But the lack thereof would leave me naked inside

* Swallow it down Turn it inside out

* Find nothin' but faith in nothin' *

Where are Pam and the boys?

Oh! They just decided to have a little quiet night in.

You know, little Spencer was still pretty upset about the whole Gill thing.

Yeah. That was rough.

Gill would not want us to be a bunch of mopey dopes.

I think he would want us to celebrate.

To future Congressman Roger!


All right. A celebration. Absolutely.

I can't thank you enough for being so supportive.

And particularly for allowing a camera crew to come crash your vacation.

Listen, we weren't going to let you leave.

And now we get to be a part of this big moment.

We're excited.

And I know this goes without saying, but, please don't say anything to anyone before the announcement because...

Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight is a very special night.

I won't say who because it's not official yet, but someone here, Roger Fellner, is running for Congress.

So I'd like you all to put your hands together like this, and help me get him on up here.

(CHANTING) Roger! Roger! Roger! Roger!

We'd like to dedicate this song to two very special ladies.

It's Deuce Princes by Spin Doctors.

* Well, one, two princes kneel before you

* That's what I said now

* Princes, princes who adore you

* Just go ahead now GWEN: Come on, Roger! MAN: Sing it, Rog!

* That's some bread, now

* This one said he wants to buy you rockets

* Ain't in his head, now Yeah!


* You marry him, you marry me

* I'm the one that loves you baby can't you see

* I ain't got no future or family tree but...

* I know what a prince and lover ought to be

* I know what a prince and lover ought to be, said

* Want to call me baby just go ahead now

* And if you like to tell me maybe just go ahead now

* And if you want to buy me flowers just go ahead now

* And if you want to talk for hours just go ahead now *

Look at him go! He's on fire!

Yeah, baby!

FEMALE VOICE: Move the strawberry into the cart.

No. That's... No. No.


Hey! Hey, hey, um... Hey.

Are we still on for our date tonight? Mmm-hmm.

I was thinking pizza on Main Street.

Awesome. How about 5:30, but, like, be ready at 5:00?


What is that?

Let's get ready to go tubing!

Oh, my God!

You two. On here. Pronto.

Yeah, I'll go grab our bathing suits.

How long do you think we'll be?

Once you get on this ride, you ain't never gonna want to come back.





Yes, I want a goddamn glass of wine!

I've got you, brother.

Yeah, I really was happy just sitting on the boat.

But you're going to love it.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

All right. (LAUGHING)




You trying to bump me?

You're going down!

I'm coming for you, Rog.

Oh! This is so much fun!

(CHANTING) Roger! Roger!



Look out, Roger!


(SHOUTING) No! No! No!

Oh! Oh!

GWEN: Roger, are you okay?

TODD: Hey, sorry about your mug, bro.

It'll be better by Friday.

Hey, for what it's worth... Before you ate it, you hit some serious air.

You looked like a rock skipped a human across the lake. (LAUGHS)


Speaking of big splashes, um, how are you going to make your announcement?

What do you mean?

I mean, you gotta make a good first impression, you know.

You've got to wow the voters. Get them to remember you.

Well, I'm going to announce that I'm running and then the endorsement from Congressman McClaren should be more than enough.

Bro, hear me out. All right?

What if you like... What if you like rose out of the lake, you know, like, "People of Washington, I am here to lead you, you, you..."

Well, I'm going to say no to that for two reasons.

One, I'm not here to lead them, I'm here to represent them.

That's how government works.

And two, how would I rise out of the water?

I know a guy. His name's Makev. I could have him here in an hour.

Forty-five minutes if you've got some cash on you.

It's not going to happen.

Well, I know you've got a lot of work to do, so maybe this will turn that frown upside down.

Todd, where'd you get that? You got a speech to write, man!

Put that down, Todd! You've gotta write...


No... No, please...


I'm so sorry, honey.

I gotta ask, though, why was that bag on the boat?

Ask him that.

Still want to go on our date night?

I don't know.

I think I just need a moment alone.




Hey, Roger, I'm sorry, man.

I'll replace the satchel.

The engagement ring was in the satchel.

The engagement ring that I was going to use to propose to Gwen, right now, is now at the bottom of the lake, because of you! (SIGHS)



MARGIE: Oh! What's this?

A horse.

He was supposed to wait out front.

MARGIE: He's beautiful.

(ECHOING) Honey, are you okay?




Oh. Honey, you woke up!



What happened?

You ate an entire bag of Grandma Hibby's THC chips.

Todd said it was the equivalent of nine joints hitting you at once.

I'm so sorry, Roger.

Those weren't potato chips. They were Pot-ate-O chips.

It says so right on the bag.

What was I thinking?

Where is Todd?

You really don't remember?

Remember what?




It is me or is he talking?

HORSE: Hello, Roger.

High-five, horse. High-five, horse!

Whoa. Whoa, Roger! You're going to spook the horse.

Please, Artax!

You have to try.


Look out!




Are you okay? I'm okay. Are you okay?

Oh, my God, I thought I was going to lose you!

Oh, my God, Todd. You just saved my life!

Margie, I love you so much.

I love you, Todd. Will you marry me?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes, I'll marry you! I want an army of your babies!

Oh, Margie.



TODD: I'm glad we sat in the front!

MARGIE: Yeah, why sit in the back? Roger dodger, hey.

Oh, Roger, our evening was so romantic.

We had champagne and strawberries and we saw the most perfect, beautiful sunset ever.

Beautiful. I mean, just amazing.

How could it not be?

Gwen and I are going to sleep in the house tonight because we thought the two of you would like to be alone.

Being newly engaged and all.

Oh! Roger, you're the best! (LAUGHING)

Hey, I'll meet you inside.

I'm just going to talk to the R man for a sec.

Yeah, that'll be fine. It will give me time to prepare.

Plug your ears, Roger.

Didn't hear a thing. Oh, you will.

Tonight on Dotch TV, Dotch is going to touch a butt.

You okay, brother? I am not your brother.

I am not your friend. I am not your anything.

And after this trip, I hope I never have to see you again.

Okay, um, you seem upset.

Because you sabotaged and then stole my proposal.

I didn't steal your proposal. You gave it to me.

Are you delusional?

You don't remember?

ROGER: Cowabunga!

You okay, buddy?


Do you still want to do your thing? I don't know if you're up for it, but...

Ben, what do you say, man? No way, man.

(MUMBLING) No way! Are you joking me?

You can't propose now!

If you do it, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Take it from me, I'm rock bottom, hoss.

Dude, check this out. No. No. No.


Just hear me out, okay.

I'm just saying I don't want this all to go to waste.

There's a horse here.

I can't believe I'm saying this, would you mind if Margie and I go instead?

I won't do it if you don't want me to.

Yeah, let him take the horse. What are you going to do with it?

Nothing. You look like junk!

You look like some jerk-off socked you right in the face!

Let him take it, man.

Yes! Yes! Yes!


I didn't know what I was saying because you drugged me!

I did not drug you.

The bag clearly said "Pot-ate-o"... I know what the bag said!

But you got what you wanted, didn't you, Todd?

You got to propose first.

I didn't get... It just happened, Roger.

I'm so sorry. No more words.

No more anything.

For the rest of this trip, you stay away from me.


And I'm declining your friend request.

No, don't do that.


Ah! He's here!

Oh! Hugs. That's new.

I have literally never been more happy to see you in my life.

Don't worry, Riggy's here. He's going to make everything okay.

The news gets in tomorrow at 3:00.

I brought blazer options. I like navy, it's powerful.

But... You know what?

I can handle all of that now. What I need you to do, your sole purpose in being here, is to keep Todd away from me all the time.

Belly-man? You won't know he's here. Thank you.

Riggleman! Hey! Gwen!

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

On what?

On your... English-style vacation home.

The architecture... I've seen that in England.

You're holding swords. Oh, yeah.

Miesha is teaching us combat yoga.

It's stretching but with weapons.

ROGER: He's a free thinker. Sounds great. Sounds great.

Honey, Margie and I are going to go into town to give you time to focus.

Thank you so much.

If you forget anything, just let me know and I'll pick it up.

Same goes for you, Riggleman. Thank you so much.

It's great to see you. Oh. Great to see you. You're a treasure.

I'm afraid to ask.

Why did you not propose to that exceptional woman?

TODD: I'm coming to get you!


Because of that.

RIGGLEMAN: That's him?

ROGER: He literally has been ruining my life all week.

And last night he stole my proposal to Gwen.

Please, keep him out of my hair.

(SIGHS) All right, you go. I'll take care of this thing.

(SHOUTING) I am the king!


This is the most scared I've ever been in my life.

And I grew up in Pakistan.

The Little Mermaid.

Part of your world now. (LAUGHING)

Hey, you must be Todd.

You're Roger's best friend, huh?

What's your name?

I'm Riggleman. I said how much do you bench?

I don't work out, so I wouldn't... Me neither.

Great. Glad that's out of the way.

(GRUNTS) Whoa!

I don't know what you're going for, but there doesn't seem to be much definition there.

I'm not a dictionary so I don't need definition.

That word means a few things. So does "thesaurus".

Thesaurus means different things? I think it just means one thing.

Prove it.

I'm in town for a few days and Roger said you're the man to show me around.

Roger said I was the man?

To show me around. I am the man.

To show me around.

I feel like there's a part of the sentence you're not listening to.

I am the man.

To show me around. Let's do it!

Just let me bust a piss right quick.

Oh. You're... Going right now.

What's up?

Um. It's just the un-breaking eye contact is a little off-putting.

That's also off-putting.

Let me just go get my wrist-cuffs.

Oh, boy.

Poor Roger.

PAM: Ripped his head right off.

Murderer. MEL: What a bastard.

PAM: Who murders a fish? Roger does.

Hey, Roger? Hey, Cathy.

Hey. We're making beer-garitas.

They're margaritas with beer in them. You want one?

No, I'm all right, but thank you, Cathy.

Okay. Hey, how are you holding up?

Not bad. No, I think pretty good.

You know, just going over the speech.

Making sure I say everything I want to say. Oh.

Well, yeah, you know, I know that that's going to be fine.

But I meant, how are you holding up with the whole Todd thing?

What do you mean?

It's pretty clear that he took your proposal or maybe you gave it to him?

But dessert and port aren't exactly Todd's style.

A ball-pit, maybe. But not port.

You know, when I first met him I thought, "This guy has got to take it down all the notches."

But then I realized, you know, that the reason he's got that much energy is because he's got such a big heart.

And I guess a guy with a big heart isn't the worst thing you could wish for your daughter.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

This is probably none of my business, but can I give you some friendly advice?

Certainly. Okay.

As someone who has known Gwen her entire life, she really loves you.

You could ask her to marry you in a parking lot and she'd nut.

So, try not to put too much pressure on the "how" of it.

(SIGHS) Thank you, Cathy.


Well, excuse you!

I'm a little buzzed. (LAUGHS)

That burp smelled delicious. Can I get a beer-garita? (LAUGHING)

You sold me. The burp sold me.

You're going to be good in this family. Come on. (BOTH LAUGHING)


GWEN: Hey, honey, look. I got a giant donut! Whoa!

That's amazing.


My ice cream! She dropped her ice cream.

How do we clean it? It's okay.

Problem solved. (HISSING)

Wash it away. It's okay.

Todd cleaned the ice cream with soda and his shoe. It's all better.

I'll get you more ice cream. (MARGIE GROWLING PLAYFULLY)

Good as new.

Hello, "Giggleman."

Oh. Yeah. Todd gave it to me. The nickname and the shirt.

I assumed.

That guy is pure good times, man.

We met up with Gwen and Margie. We went go-kart racing.

Except he called it "go-fart racing".

'Cause it's powered by gas.

Do you get it?

It really was just go-kart racing.

Oh! We did a Chinese fire drill, check this out.

He did, like, a Chinese accent the whole time.

But it didn't feel racist.

It felt more like a tribute to an ancient culture.

He got to you, too.

You really got to give him another chance, man.

It feels good to do this. Try it.

All right. Well, I'm going to go inside.

Apparently, I'm staying here tonight.

Todd would not let me stay at a motel. (CHUCKLES)

Classic Todd.

So, you and Gwen are back rooming with Todd and Margie, okay?

Todd, do you want to teach me how to swim?




Roger? Roger, wake up! You're covered in ants!


They're biting! They're biting!

CODY: Ew! I can see his butt.

MEL: That's what they want.

That's my ice cream.


Oh. Look, he's skinny-dipping! Good for him.



Dad, the news van is here. Shut up!

Hi there. Dana Curlman. Hi.

ROGER: I feel like I might be wearing too much makeup.

No, Margie did a great job. You can't see any of the bites, honey.

I look like a peach mime.

I think it's going to read differently on camera, okay?

God, they really got in here. I know.

Thank you for doing this.

It's not my first time.

Remember when I got attacked by all those mites when we were building that library in Peru? (LAUGHING)

Yeah. Hey.

I'm really gonna miss you when you leave.

I'm going to miss you, too.

And I'm very sorry for how this week has panned out.

I wanted things to go very differently.

And I actually was planning to ask you to...

Hey, Roger. Oh.

Was I interrupting?

Um. No? No. We should get you mic'd up.

All right. Um. Wish me luck?

Good luck!

Wait, where's Todd?

I don't know. He said he knew this was big for you, so he had to get out of here.

Good. Kind of miss him.

Hi. Dana Curlman. Cascade News 3.

Let's hit it. I'm jazzed and we're going to be live very, very soon.

Can I ask you, is the makeup intentional?

Do you think it's too much? Yes, it is.

But it is too late. Here we go, guys. Let's do this dang thing.

We're live. Go.

WOMAN: Welcome, Roger. Hi, Tom. Hi, Jules.

MARGIE: Ooh! Look at Roger. He looks good. Well, thanks for having me.

Does he look too orange?

His face looks like it's covered in Cheetos dust.

SPENCER: There's an ant coming out of his nose! GWEN: What? Oh, my God...

(WHISPERS) There's an ant...

DANA: Uh. Do you need a tissue?

(LAUGHS) Sorry. No. Just an ant.

No. He's done.

With the ant thing, it's over.


I grew up in Seattle. It's a city I love.

It's a city I know. I've been working with Congressman McClaren these last five years and in that time unemployment has dropped 2%.

High school graduation rates are at an all-time high.


Is that Todd?

JERRY: Yeah. That's Todd.

PAM: Wow! He's got some height. Roger Fellner for Congress!


America loves this man!

America needs this man!

I can't even dream this stuff, get the freak in the back.

Roger! It's me, Todd!

Roger Fellner for Congress!

Just having fun up here on vacation with the fam.

(GROWLING) Leave! Leave!

I can't hear you over the jet shoes.

(WHISPERING) I said turn it off!

Turn that off! You're ruining it!

Do you hate this? Yes!


The innovation of the people of Washington.

If you don't leave I'm going to kill you! I'm gonna kill you!

Leave! Makev! Let's go!

Okay, he is going to hit him.

TODD: Roger, I'm sorry! Watch out!

Roger, I'm sorry!


Roger! Whoa!


DANA: Roger Fellner is now unconscious.



He's like Iron Man.

This is amazing! All right!


Now that's news!


Roger Fellner. Guy worth saving.

Guy worth voting for.

Hell of a tagline. (APPLAUDING)

TODD: I felt like a superhero! JERRY: God, Todd!

TODD: It was the best, it was...


I don't even know where it came from. I don't know how I did it.


I mean, that was awesome.

And I gotta tell you, seeing your face now.

It is busted. Honestly, that makeup was not that bad.

Well, thank you for today and we will catch you later.

Todd, you my dude!

Roger, are you okay?

All things considered, that went okay.

And Todd said we can try his water boots.

This is even worse than ripping off Gill's head.

I'm just glad he had clothes on.

Roger, I wouldn't go to sleep tonight. I'm sure you're concussed.

You know I can't vote for you now, guy. Right?

How many times did I tell you to leave me alone?

How many times did I say stay away?

Easy. Easy. You punched me?

Yes, and it felt wonderful!

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me?

Him! He just destroyed my political career on live television!

Looks to me like he saved your ass.

That's because you're an idiot!

You're out of line, Roger.

I'm the only one being honest, Jerry!

You should not be content with this man marrying your daughter.

She could do so much better.

You need to apologize to Todd right now.

How are you not on my side?

I am on your side, but it is not okay to assault people!

Gwen, if anything, he should apologize to me!

I'm sorry. I don't want your apology!

Do you hear yourself right now?

You've completely lost your mind!

He knocked me into the water! He didn't save me! He caused it!

GWEN: I know, but that was an accident.

He doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

He is a menace!

There's one person right now who's a screaming, raving lunatic and that is you. Why would that be?

Do you understand what I am going through?

Gwen, you don't know half of what's transpired, okay?

Well, why don't you tell me!

No. You don't tell me anything that's going on.

I can't tell you everything!

Things affect me, too!

And when you decide out of the blue that you're gonna run for Congress that has an effect on me!

And so does you leaving the country for three months at a time!

Have you communicated with me, or asked how I feel about that?

Well, how do you feel about it? I hate it!

I think if you really want to help people you should give them something like food, not young-adult novels.

All right. Gwen...

No. I hear you. I'm sorry.

You think I'm a joke, and you hate my family.

I'm really glad to know, a couple of years in, that this whole time you thought I'm a fool.

I don't... So I think, now would be a perfect time for you to go.

You want me to go home?


That's great.

Oh. And by the way, "I'm gonna nut" means ejaculate!

Let's go.

That's disgusting. Why would he say that?

Cathy, that part's true.

Hey, Roger.

I just want to say thank you for a wonderful couple of days.

Switching gears a little bit, um, I lost my cell phone charger in there.

It's a Samsung Android S3.

It's like the S4 but a fewer prongs.

You know how they just change the chargers for no reason.

I know this is a weird time to bring it up, but it is a discontinued model.

It's got metal gray... (HONKS HORN)

It's our candidate, folks! (APPLAUSE)

I just want to thank all of you for all your hard work.

I really appreciate it.

Place isn't much, but it's the best I could do on short notice.

No. No, the place is wonderful.

I just hope everyone realizes I'm going to lose.

Why would you say that?

I fell into a lake on live television.

Yeah. People love it. It's gone viral. Where have you been?

Purposely avoiding all media. Look at this.

It's got three million views on YouTube.

(COUGHING) Roger Fellner. Guy worth saving.

Guy worth voting for.

And you've become a meme, look.

There's you being rescued from the Titanic.

There's you with the water-skiing squirrel.

Your own commemorative cereal.

That's just you coming out of a toilet.

That's also... A bunch of just different toilets.

It's really so flattering to have the entire country making fun of me.

Roger, this is a good thing. This is a real human moment.

People look at this and go, "Well, I could fall into a lake.

"I should vote for this guy."

Hey, Pete, play the Maddow piece.

And finally tonight, I'm sure you've all seen the Seattle politician fall into a lake while announcing his run for a congressional seat.

Yes, a near-drowning on live TV is a bit of a blunder, but the quick thinking of a family member saved his life, and with it, his chance at public office.

Well, now, new footage has surfaced of the accident-prone candidate and his rescuer just crushing the Spin Doctors on karaoke.


Somebody smart once said, "Judge a person's character by who he surrounds himself with."

Well, with friends like these, Roger Fellner seems like a stand-up guy.

Or rather, "A guy worth saving. A guy worth voting for."

So, we are all set for the fundraiser on Friday.

And this is for you, it was sent to my house.

Good night, Roger.




Is that your boyfriend? (GASPS)

Oh. Hey, man, sorry. I didn't realize anyone was still here.

You look happy. You and your boyfriend.

No. He's not my boyfriend. No, no. He's, um...


Do you want me to move? No. No. No. You're good.


All right, ready, zip!

What is it?

"Cabbie Penny needs a potty."


Wait, what did it start as?

"Katy Perry's a hottie."

Yeah, she is! (LAUGHS)

Don't tell your parents I said that, okay?

'Cause I could get in big trouble.


Do you think I could talk to you for a second?

Hey, Micah.

Can you please tell our guest that these are not visiting hours?

These are not visiting hours.

Thank you, Micah. I can hear him.

I just need two minutes. Hear me out.

And if you don't want to see me again, I'll leave you alone.

Hey, Micah.

Can you please tell our guest that if he would like to arrange a time to talk that's not during our hang time that would be much better?

He said... Yeah, I heard him, Micah. Thank you.


(SIGHS) Okay.

Okay, little homies. Where were we?

Red-hair Ralph. Mickey got another one.

Give it to me, brother.


TODD: Hey, Micah.

Can you please tell our guest that if he would like to talk to me right now that he could call me up on the telephone.

Todd, I've tried calling...


"Limes harden in a lunch room. Nine times a night."

What did it start as?

"I'm sorry that I punched you. I had no right."

I acted like such a jerk and there are no excuses, but if you give me a second chance I would love...

Your round is over.

Okay. Guys, thank you very much for letting me interrupt.

I hope you have fun.

You deserve a better brother-in-law than me.

You're not safe here.

None of you are!

That beam is the safe zone.

And he is it!

(STUTTERS) Freeze Tag!

It's on!

Hit him.




I take it you got my package.

I did. Todd, that was amazing. Thank you so much.

Though I don't know if I'll have much use for it now.

Gwen won't even return my calls.

Come on, buddy. You know she still loves you.

She's been moping around the house for like two weeks.

Makes for an awful roommate.

You know, her big fundraiser's tomorrow night.

I do know this.

In fact, part of the reason I came here... Is I need your help.

Say it again.

I need your help. Say it real loud this time.

(SHOUTS) I need your help!

Now, say it... Say it like a weird baby.

I need your help! (LAUGHS)

Let's do it!

GWEN: Without funding, thousands of people won't have access to books and the priceless knowledge contained within their pages.

We view every book in our libraries as a chance.

A chance to learn.

Help give that chance to the people of the Sundarbans.

Because when a book is in your hands, the world is at your fingertips.


All right, I would like to call upon our pledge donations.

Can I get the house lights up, please?

Let's start with our golden bookmark donors.

Who here is willing to pledge $10,000?


Really? Nobody? (GASPS)

Oh! We have one. Yes! Thank you so much.

No, you are a waiter.

Um. Okay, let's move on to our next...


What just happened? This is ridiculous.

* Just go donate now!

* Just go donate now!

Aw, yeah, give it up for books!

Put your hands in your pockets, get the cash out!

Put your hands in your pockets, get the cash out!

Yo, these kids are books!

* Well, this lady's standing here before you

* And she seems swell now

* Listen to her I implore you because she's smart as hell now

* She's tryin' to arrange some money for libraries

* So help us out now Ladies and gentlemen, the actual Spin Doctors!


That's not the Spin Doctors.



Now we're talking.

* Why not make a small donation just go donate now

* Bring your checkbooks up to the station just go donate now

* Bring books to an under-privileged nation, just go donate now

* Help Rog help Gwen make things right here, just go donate now

* I learned these lyrics on the flight here just go donate now! *



I don't know when I started taking you for granted, but shame on me.

I don't hate that you do this. I don't.

I love you because you do this.

What I hate is being away from you.

Being with you will always be my greatest accomplishment.

I love being with you so much, I am willing to say in front of all these people, that I am okay with having him for a brother-in-law.

(WHISPERS) It's me.


Gwen Elaine Turley, will you marry me?



Now, I'm going to ask one more time.

Who here is now willing to pledge $10,000 for some literacy?


If you think just because you had the Spin Doctors play a hit from 1993 that's suddenly going to inspire me to write a check for $10,000 I have one question for you, sir.

Do you have a pen?


Oh, my God!

Thank you.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

I also now pronounce you husband and wife.


You may kiss the brides.


Oh, oh!

You've got an ant...

Now, can we please go party?




Guys, she's all mine! She's all mine!

Hey, I like the facial adjustments, Uncle Mel.

Thanks. It's easier to maintain, and it's a little more classy.

More handsome. You think so?




Mel! Oh!


Ooh! Careful, Spencer!

Thanks, Roger. No problem.

CODY: Hey, Roger?


They tell a story.


(CHANTING) Go, Giggleman! Go, Giggleman! Go, Giggleman!

How was Bangladesh, guys?

Oh, I think it was the trip we needed.

Yeah, we helped a lot of people.

We built a school and we dug a well.

And we put in a Wi-Fi tower.

Now, they have a full, electronic library.

This guy thinks of everything.

I feel sort of guilty that you lost the election.


It was pretty hard to come back once it came out that I murdered Gill.

Yeah. People loved that fish.





I owed you one. It's just like the one we had.

Get on up there, man. Ride off into the sunset.

Actually just to the end of the driveway

'cause that horse isn't allowed on the street.

But I did get you a limo to take you to the airport, so...

There you go. (LAUGHS)

Thank you, brother. Come here.

Oh. I have something for you.



I love you.

I know. Just let the moment happen. There's no words...

We'll see you when we get back. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Adorable. You'll see me on the plane.


The plane? Surprise!

Dual honeymoon! We booked the room right next to yours!


The party continues. (LAUGHS) It always does.

We can get walkie talkies. We can do everything together.

Do you like pizza? I can't believe I've never asked you that before.






Roger. Look at me.


Sorry. Sorry. (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) I'm doing it, Roger!

Roger! I'm helping!

You're not helping. Do you hate this?

Come on, Pam.



It's been two years, which is a very acceptable time.

Two years is nothing. I could sit on one box for two years and it wouldn't phase me... You will sit on a box for two years?

I have done it.

Where were you when you sat on a box for two years?






Nobody gets Dana Curlman wet.

Unless I want them to.



Be the Riggleman that you've always wanted to be.

'Cause that's what you deserve.

Every day look at yourself and go, "I did it."

Oh. You dropped your ice cream!





* Roger Fellner is my man

* He can do it like no one can

* It's a rap song or something like that *

Okay. Bye.

What are you doing? Making a movie?

How did you...

What just happened?