Buck Wild (2014) Script

Damn!

Hello?

Damn 'coons.

Shit.

Who's out there?

Hello?

Daddy! Oh!

Damn it, candy!

How many times have I got to tell you?

Oh, no.

My tulips.

I'm real sorry, Clyde.

Not as sorry as you're gonna be.

No!

Oh!

How could you?!

We were in love, daddy!

He was gonna take me to new Mexico!

Oh, candy, go get in the damn trailer.

But we were in love!

Yeah. Do it now.

I said now, damn it! Go!

Aah! Ugh!

I hate you!

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.


Damn it, candy!

Baby girl? Is that you?


Chupacabra?

Aah! The chupacabra!

Will you please give this trip a chance?

I promise we're gonna have fun.

All right? Huh?

Just us friends? Huh?

Hunting off the land.

Who are you texting?

Your girlfriend. She says hi.

So, I hate to be a nag but would you mind cracking the window or just putting that out altogether?

I just got this shirt back from the dry cleaners and I'd like to wear it more than o-once.

Or do that.

Thanks.

Tom, Jerry's from New York.

Tell him, Jerry.

Yeah, I'm from New York.

Oh, really?

What brings you to Texas, Jerry?

Ah, Jerry's here temporarily.

Just till he gets some stuff sorted out.

Uh, stuff?

Ah, wh-- what kind of stuff?

Just some stuff that I should've taken care of when I had the chance.

Say, wouldn't you be more comfortable if we put that big bag in the back?

It might make it easier for you to eat those peanuts.

Actually, tom, I'd be a lot more comfortable if we put you in the back!

I'm just messin' with you, man!

You're so uptight.

You almost wet your panties, tom.

But don't you ever think about touching this bag -- ever.

Anyone want a treat?

Geez. Wh-- do those have pot in them, Lance?

Well, geez, mom, does anyone still use the word "pot?"

I'll take one of them, boss.

No! Guys, come on. All right?

Look, we have to go into town first, and then we have to go meet Clyde.

Who the hell is Clyde? He --

He owns buck wild ranch.

Well, I'm with you, boss.

And whatever we kill, I'm doing the skinnin'

'cause I'm good with a knife.

Damn good.

Clyde -- sounds awesome, Craig.


Uh, why do I have to sit in the back with Jeffrey dahmer?

Sorry, guys. He's family, okay?

He doesn't know anybody out here.

Probably 'cause he's killed them all.

Stuffed 'em away in that duffel bag of his.

Seriously -- did you see how he was keeping watch over that thing?

The guy's straight out of a scorsese film.

And what's with the peanuts?

It's like he's working with a new prosthetic.

All right, look, I know he's a bit intense, okay?

But will you do me a favor and just give the guy a chance?

Oh, lovely.

I'm not built for this.

Good day, gentlemen.

It's got to be the brownies.

Uh, good day, uh, sir.

Is there a problem? Yes, actually.

You appear to be parked at my pump.

Your pump?

Yes, you see, I'm what the locals around here refer to as a "badass," an outlaw really, and am therefore afforded certain liberties.

In this case, I've chosen this pump as my pump, hence why I'm asking you to move your bloody truck.

Hey, Billy ray!

They got one back here hidin'!

You quit that hidin'!

You quit that hidin'!

You quit that hidin'!

Look, gentlemen, I can see that you aren't from around here.

So I'll allow you to leave with your dignity.

Oh, yeah? And what if we don't?

Yeah, it's the brownies.

Terribly sorry, gentlemen.

Always losing my keys, you know.

Let's begin again.

Whoa.

Hey. We don't want any trouble, all right?

Well, it looks like we got trouble.

This is stupid. Jerry, we're gonna move.

Or we can stay and Mr. peanut here and his Dixie chicks can fill up someplace else.

What we got going on out here, boys?

Just some harmless male bravado, shipley.

Uh-huh.

Looks like a couple bucks markin' their territory to me.

And it's officer shipley, Billy ray.

How many times have I got to tell you?

What's your story, son?

Hey!

An officer of the Texas parks and wildlife just addressed you, boy.

Game warden shipley?

Hi. Craig Thompson.

Ah, we were just getting some gas, and then we were gonna meet our guide out at buck wild ranch.

You guys gonna meet Clyde?

That's him. Shoot. I see.

Well, when you see him, you ask him if he's seen any chupacabras lately.

All right, boys, disperse.

And, Billy ray...

I got my eyes on you.

I believe a "we shall meet again" is in order.

What's a chupacabra?

I think he said "chalupa."

He said "chupacabra."

It's a legendary cryptid rumored to inhabit parts of the americas.

The infamous chupacabra, or "goat sucker," drinks the blood of its victim.

Some say they're just rabid coyotes with mange.

Others swear they're pure evil.

How the hell do you know all that?

Ah, I used to hook up with a Mexican farm girl.

Hi.

Are you Clyde?

Are you Clyde with buck wild ranch?

Um.

My name is -- Craig Thompson.

So, you are Clyde.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

The game warden back in town -- wanted me to ask you about a, uh, chupacabra?

Son, are you trying to be a smartass?

Oh, no, sir.

Did somebody tell you that buck wild ranch was taking applications for smartasses?

No, sir.

Well, then don't talk shit you don't know shit about.

Sure.

Yes, sir.

Follow me.


Everything all right there, boss?

Let's get this over with.


All right, this is your weekend retreat.

I call it "the haven."

Gather 'round and listen up.

I'm only gonna say this once.

Bed's for sleepin'.

Pool table's for poolin'.

TV's for watchin'.

You got four channels total, five if you fool with the rabbit ears.

Haven, my ass.

Uh...It's cozy.

That mouth of yours is gonna take you to a bad end, son.

Psst, hey, come here.

Table for eatin'.

Yeah, after a good cleanin'.

Shh.

This is the kitchen. For cookin'?

Say, where'd you come up with that name, buck wild? I like it.

If you'll look out back, you'll notice a barbecue pit for barbecuin', a seatin' area for seatin', and a 4-by --

A 4x4.

It's got two tanks of gas -- count 'em, one, two -- and I expect 'em to be full when you leave.

I don't want nobody hotdoggin' in her, neither.

Oh, no, sir.

Uh, no -- No hot dogs here.

All right, listen up.

This here's the haven.

This is the road we come in on.

You got one, two, three, four, five deer blinds on buck wild ranch.

You can hunt at any of them.

But do not...

...I repeat, do not cross this fence line

'cause this here's Billy Ray's place.

And Billy ray is a badass.

Oh, damn it, candy!

We weren't doing nothin'.

Get in the damn truck.

You stay out of my life!

Now. Ugh!

You like candy?

Uh, candy seems very, uh...

Sweet.

You a damn comedian!

The whole lot of you.

Disrespectful punks.

Miserable damn pissants!

Try not to kill each other.

Phew.

Anyone want a treat?

Hello? Hey, baby, what are you up to?

Take your top off. We're going to the hot tub! Stop!

Who's that? Where are you? Mike, we're doing it!

Just take your top off! What?

I can't hear you. I'm at a party.

Baby, it's 4:30.

Yeah, it sure is, Craig.

Okay, well, uh, th-that's cool.

Get off the phone! I have another call coming in.

I hope you and the boys are having fun on your little camping trip.

Uh, hunting trip.

Uh-huh. Okay.

I got to go.

O-okay. I love you. Get off the phone, bitch!

Shit.

Hey, you got a minute?

Sure, buddy. What's up?

Well, uh...

You see, it's...

Lance.

Hey, you know what your problem is?

You're worried about them other guys.

Don't you fret, little buddy. This is gonna be one hell of a trip.

I mean not as good as the one I had planned last year but a close second or third.

Top 5 -- 10.

Thanks.

You see th-th-that's not really it.

Um, wh-what I wanted to say --

Whoo! There she is! Hold on.

Hey.

Oh, no, I'm doing just fine.

Oh, no, we'll get you to the church on time, don't you worry.


Isn't this great?

So peaceful.

Just us friends, eating meat...

...sharpening knives...

...gathered around an open fire.

You know, I know some of you would've liked to have gone someplace else, but, um...

It feels good having you guys out here with me.

Well, we're glad to be out here with you, too, buddy.

Even though the drive was a little inconvenient, but definitely a top-10 trip.

We've only taken five or six trips, Lance.

Shut up, tom.

Hey, guys, I have a little announcement I want to make.

Lance? Just a sec.

Okay.

Um, I've been saving up for quite some time now, and, uh, well, come Monday morning --

Oh! Made yourself a little friend did ya, buddy?

What the hell is that?!

I don't know. I strangled it over by the trash.

Get that away from me, Lance.

Well, this is -- this is outrageous!

Oh, come on, tom. Stop being a little queer.

You know what? I think I'm -- I'm just gonna go to bed.

Okay, all right. I'm sorry, boss.

It was just a joke. Come on, don't go.

No, I'm a little tired from the drive.

Sit down!

Drink it!

I'm sorry, boss.

Proceed with what you were sayin'.

Right.

Uh, yeah, okay, um, before the whole... Dead animal thing, um, I was actually gonna tell you guys uh, that, well...

I'm gonna ask Carla to marry me.

I'm sorry, Jerry. My bad.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah, Lance, I -- I'm gonna ask Carla to marry me.

That's beautiful, boss.

Wow. Well, congrats, man. Wow.

You guys are just perfect for each other -- just -- just perfect.

Thanks, Lance.

You know you're the best man right?

Uh-huh. Sure thing, partner. Yeah.

Well, uh...Mm.

You know, I think I'm gonna hit the hay.

Yeah, I'm not much of a morning person and I know we're getting up early, so...

Really?

Yeah, no, I-I'll see you guys tomorrow -- in the morning.

Well, all right, buddy. Good night.

Sleep tight.

Tom, is Lance all right? Yep. Fine.

Tom?

Look, I don't know if this is true or not, but it's really been killing me lately, and I-I hate to say this because what if I'm wrong, but then again I think I'm right.

But then again -- tom.

I think Lance is having an affair with Carla.

What?! Oh, boy.

Shh!

What are you talking about, tom?

Okay, remember -- remember when I came by a few months ago to drop those DVDs off -- there were several.

And by the way, "love actually" is a great movie.

Tom! Sorry, um, well...

You weren't home yet, but...He was.

So? Lance comes over all the time.

Lance and Carla are good friends.

Th-that -- that's too far away.

Th-that could be anybody.

That could be anybody.

Really, tom? Huh?

You're gonna come at me with this garbage?

No, not cool.

Not cool, tom!

I'm sorry, Craig.

Yeah, I...

I'm going to bed.

Did you really strangle that thing?

Hey!

Everything all right in here, boss? Yeah.

Nietzsche once said, "love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not."

Thanks.

What that means is that women are crazy.

You can't allow them to twist your reality.

I mean, you've been with this broad for what, a year?

Maybe two? Am I right?

Six years actually.

Six years?!

Really? Yeah.

All right, so you've been with this chick for six years and she's out bangin' some other guy, givin' it to him every night and then crawling home to you where you got to pick up the sloppy seconds.

The worst part about that is you don't even know you're getting sloppy seconds.

Man, I tell you, that's like when somebody puts a hair in your food or spits in your iced tea.

All right, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Nothing happened, okay?

I don't want to talk anymore about it.

Look, I know you're trying to help, but...I'm fine.

Aah.

Hey, Craig, need anything to help you sleep?

I got a little something that'll knock you right out.

I'm sure you do, Jerry.

Hey, Craig, thanks for invitin' me along.

Sure.

Good night.


Hey. Candy?

Come out.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Candy?

Candy, is that you?

What the hell?

Do me, Lance.

Okeydokey.

Hey.

Careful now.

Easy now. Easy.

There's plenty of Lance to go around.

Hey, is everything all right?

C-candy?

Wow.

So, you want to play rough, huh?

Wow.

Too rough!

Man.

Wow. Yeah.

Ooh! Oh.

I-is that blood?

Do me, Lance!

Oh, my God!

A-are you okay? You look sick.

It's just the sniffles.

Do me, Lance!

Yeah, look, I should probably just go.

Big day tomorrow. You know how it goes.

Look, now, uh, I'm no germ freak but you look like you might be coming down with something.

M-my health insurance just lapsed.

Health insurance?

I'm in between jobs at the moment.

Do me, Lance!

Hey, you know, I think I've got some cough syrup back at the -- back at the old cabin.

I'll just -- I'll just go grab you some.

Don't you want a piece of candy?

Yeah.


Shit!

Wha-cha!

Hoo! What are you doing, Jerry?

Training.

Could you maybe train with a pair of pants on, huh?

I wouldn't want Clyde to come by -- or anyone else, for that matter.

Clothes are too confining, boss.

They interfere with the spiritual alignment of the body.

I tell you, if it weren't illegal, I'd be naked all the time.

Yeah, well it is illegal, okay?

Even way out here.

Almost done here, boss.

How'd you sleep?

Good.

Uh, good. Good sleep.

You know...

...I was thinkin' a lot about last night, you know.

Then I started thinking about how you've been so good to me lately and how I'd like to, uh...

Like to do something -- a little something nice for you.

That's all right, Jerry. Putting on pants is good enough.

No, no, no, no.

We're cousins -- family.

So I was thinking about it.

If you want me to, I can take care of this for you.

Take care of what, Jerry?

Look, you're a good man.

You're a damn good man.

You deserve respect.

But I can see that you're...

A little sensitive, a little weak.

But that's okay.

So, if you want me to, I can take care of this for you.

Look, huntin' accidents happen all the time, boss.

I can do it real quick. Lance won't feel a thing.

No! No! Jerry! Jerry! Boom!

Jerry, thank you, all right?

Thank you, but it's not a good idea, all right?

At all. At all.

All right, boss.

Oh, you know, y-y-you're such a good guy.

Wow.

Oh, hey, tom!

Jerry, do you mind?

I usually just go shopping with my cousins.

Yeah, you would, Mary. Whatever.

Has anyone seen Lance?

He's not inside?

Nope.

That's weird.

Maybe he went out already.

Let's go, huh?

Deer blinds. 10 minutes.

Put some pants on!

♪ Morning ♪

♪ morning to the other side ♪

♪ side waiting to see the ♪

What?

When nature calls, I say hello.

I'll just hold it.

It ain't good to hold it in.

All right, load up!

Stop!

Is nature calling?

Stop the truck!

Here's good.

We're going to the deer blinds, Jerry.

I don't like to sit and hide in a blind like some rat in a hole, waiting for the onslaught.

No way.

I choose to take the fight to them.

Offense, not defense, baby!

You do know the deer don't have guns, right?

Remember what I told you, Jerry.

I-I-I don't need you to take care of anything.

What?

What was that about?

Did you call Carla?

Please, tom, whisper.

We're hunting. Did you call Carla?

No. I texted her.

And?

She didn't text back. Yeah.

She's probably too busy texting Lance.

Don't be an asshole, tom.

Fine, but I want you to know I wouldn't lie to you about something like this, Craig.

I don't think you're lying.

I just -- I don't think you know what you saw, all right?

Lance wouldn't do that, and neither would Carla.

Oh, no? Well, Lance is a slut.

And you know what? Before the two of you started dating, so was Carla.

You take that back, tom! Why? You know it's true.

And you know I love Carla. She's the only girl I know who could pull off a perm.

But let's face it.

Before the two of you started dating she had a reputation.

Craig! No! Shh!

Don't be an idiot, tom.

Sorry. Your cousin has me on edge.

My face is breaking out all over the place. I'm not built for this.

Are you gonna kill something?

Yes, dumbass.

It's called hunting, not bird watching.

Fine.

Just let me know so I can cover my ears.

And I like birds.

Oh, I know you do, tom.

Look, I'm not trying to ruin your weekend or screw up your relationship with Carla.

But if you're gonna ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, I feel you should at least know.

If I'm wrong, then we can laugh about it later.

But if I'm right, you're gonna thank me for helping you avoid one of the biggest mistakes of --

Asshole!

Oh! Oh! Great.

Now my ears are ringing.

I better not have permanent hearing damage.

Ow.

Are deer supposed to sound like that?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! What? What is it?

I shot Clyde! What?!

Aah!

He's alive. Help me.

Ohh! Ew!

Clyde, can you hear me?

Look, I'm so, so sorry, sir.

Tom, help me.

Uh, I don't know. What's wrong with him?

W-w-what do you mean what's wrong? He's been shot!

Obviously, Craig! But is all that supposed to happen?

Gee, tom, I don't know, all right?

I've never shot anybody before, okay?!

Well, you don't have to get snippy!

I just don't know, okay?

I'm scared, all right?! I'm just scared!

Tom, will you just calm down?

I need you to come over here.

Okay? We need to get him into the back of the truck.

We're gonna take him to the hospital, all right?

Oh, he smells like shit.

Lift with the legs, okay?

One, two, three.

We don't tell nobody about this.

Are you out of your mind?!

He is out of his mind!

And I told you that from the beginning! I said it!

I said this guy is gonna kill someone!

And now we're fucked because he's dead!

He's a fucking dead man!

Now he's dead.

Aah!

Give me that!

Come on. Oh!

I'm an accessory to murder!

That's it! My life is over!

I'm going to jail and it's fine for him -- he's probably gonna end up there anyway!

Oh!

He's still movin'!

How many guns do you have? Stop it, boss!

Come on, I got to put one in his head! No! It's enough!

Aah! Aah!

We don't have much time, boss!

What?

Clyde turned. There will be others.

What the hell?

That's the same deer I saw in my scope.

Did Clyde do that?

They'll come for us.

What?

Zombies.

Get ready, boys.

It's about to get buck wild.

Everyone get in the truck.

What are we gonna do? Just get in the truck!

Oh, great.

Maybe he's seen Lance.

Lance is dead, baby. What?!

Everyone shut up! All right?

I'll handle this.

Good afternoon, officer.

You know, I heard a bunch of shots go off a minute ago.

Sounded like bagh-fucking-dad.

We ain't done nothin.

Sir, we -- sorry about that.

We -- we just wanted to make sure that, uh, th-that we got him.

Yeah, I love this huntin' thing!

Well, you know, you only got to put one in 'em, as long as you put it in the right spot.

Whew!

Did you tag 'im?

Tag 'im?

Did you tag 'im?

Did you put a damn tag in your deer's ear to make it legal, dipshit?

Oh! Oh, oh, d-did we -- did we tag him t-to make it legal?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, sure, yeah. No, we tagged him.

Yeah! Yeah! Tagged him twice just to be sure.

Tagged it.

We ain't done nothin'.

Kindly step from your vehicle, gentlemen.

Boys, we got a little sayin' out here goes a little somethin' like this.

If somethin' stinks, chances are you're probably standin' in shit.

And guess what I smell, boys?

Shit?

Circle gets the fucking square.

I smell shit.

Well, that's probably 'cause you're standing in it.

Damn it!

Oh, you think this is funny, huh?

Well, let me see your load!

Wait. Load?

Your damn deer! Wait. Wait. Wait.

Don't you need, like, a warrant or something?

Yeah! Yeah! A search warrant!

I'm not checking for a bag of marijuana here. I'm checking your load.

Now step aside, son. O-okay, okay.

Uh, but th-there's something you should know.

Playtime's over, dipshit.

Let's see what you got under the tarp.

We ain't done nothin'.

What the hell are you doing?!

Our goose was cooked, boss. I had no other choice.

You killed him?!

He killed him, Craig!

Easy, twinkle toes. He's just gonna take a little siesta.

What happens when he wakes up, Jerry, huh?

Have you thought of that? Did you fucking think of that?!

We'll be long gone by then, or dead.

Just help me with his feet. Come on, we got to get him back in his truck.

Do it yourself.

Where's the body?

I told you. You got to destroy the brain.

Hey there, heartbreaker.

I can't come to the phone right now.

I'm on some bullshit camping trip.

But go ahead and leave a message and I just might get back to you.

Lance, where the hell are you, man, huh?

I need you to come back to the lodge, okay? Like, asap!

We're in a lot of trouble. I'll explain later -- at least, I think I can. It's kind of weird.

I need you to come back to the lodge, all right?

And also...

...I need to ask you something.

Okay, it's something I heard.

I don't even think you'd do something like this.

I don't even know how to ask, but, uh...

Are you -- are you sleeping with Carla?

To erase and re-record, press "3."

Shit. To continue recording where you left off, press "4."

At the tone, please --

Lance, uh, it's Craig.

Come back to the lodge asap. Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want to go with us?

And become an accessory to any more murders?

No. I think I'm fine on my own. Thanks.

All right, just meet us back here in an hour.

And call us if you find him.

Thanks again for the awesome weekend, Craig.

Top 10 for sure.

Damn it!


Whatcha see, boss?

Come on.

All right, wait here.

And put that away!

Are you sure, boss? Yes.


Hello?

Lance?

Are you here, buddy?

Lance?

Hey! Aah! Holy shit!

Sorry, boss. I thought I told you to wait in the truck.

I couldn't let you go in alone.

I found Lance's jacket outside.

Do you have a light?

Where did you get -- never mind.

Hey...

I think we found your friend.

Lance, is that you, buddy?

What's wrong with him?

It kind of looks like the guy you shot, huh, boss?

Wait. What do you -- what do you mean the guy I shot?

The old-timer -- Clyde. No, I know what you're talking about, all right, and I accidentally shot him, okay?

You're the one that turned him into Swiss cheese!

I had to. He was a zombie.

And he'd be dead right now if you let me put one into his head.

Isn't any of this starting to click with you, boss?

I mean, look at him.

That's no good.

Aah!

Still convinced he ain't a zombie, boss?

Th-that's just stupid, all right?! I mean, h-he's just sick.

You know the bug that's going around.

Clyde! Clyde probably gave it to him. Bug?

Oh, yeah, yeah, these are definitely flu-like symptoms.

Look at him!

You want me to prove it to you? No! No!

All right, then what do you want to do with him, huh?

Take him to dinner? Look at him!

We're gonna take him into town to a hospital.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

We'll take the zombie to the hospital, and then he'll be back boning your girlfriend in no time!

Be sure to tag 'im.

God, I really hate you.

Did you remember to read him a bedtime story?

Don't you dare shoot him, Jerry.

I'll do what needs doin' when the time comes.

That's the difference between the two of us.

I can't believe what you did last night.

I wouldn't tell anybody if it was me.

Okay, guys. You all be quiet.

You need to keep those cucumbers to yourself.

Cucumbers.

You have to learn how to put this stuff on.

Clyde?

Is that you?

Hey, Clyde. Seen any chupacabras lately?

Tom? Tom, are you here?

We found Lance!

All right, where do you want him?

Bathroom.

Ah, shit.

All right.

Christ on a bike.

All right. Okay.

What?

This is pathetic.

What, Jerry? Huh? That I help my friends out?

Look, I don't know how they do it on the east coast, okay, but down here we don't shoot our friends when they get inconvenient.

This isn't "the godfather!" Hey!

You're goddamn right this ain't

'cause Michael corleone would do what he had to do, all right?

He killed his own brother for the good of the family, for God's sake!

Oh, yeah, and he was wracked with guilt for the third film, all right, and never the same!

It was a despicable thing to do! Enough!

I will not have you talking about Michael this way and the difficult decisions that he had to make, all right?

He was a man! A man!

He was a character in a fucking movie!

It's not just a fucking movie! It's a goddamn epic trilogy!

Yes, with one of the worst endings in cinema history, all right?

Andy Garcia? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Take it back! Never!

Take it back! Aah!

Aah!

Ha ha! Take it back!

Yeah! Take it back! Never! Never!

Take it back! No! Never!

Get off me!

Get off me! It could be tom.

It could be tom.

To-- aah! It's tom.

Tom?

Tom, we found Lance!

We -- where are you?

Tom?

T-tom, I can't hear you. Help!

Tom? To-- shit!

Where are you going?

To find your faggoty friend. He may still be alive.

If I were you, I'd shoot the zombie in the bathroom.

Michael corleone would've done it in the barn.

Damn it.

Hold on a minute.

On hold, lemon pie.

Holy hell.

Can I get you anything else, hon?

Y'all want smoking or non?


Oh, we have a trespasser.

Jerry!

All right, Billy ray.

Let's see how badass you are.

Hi, this is Billy ray and the boys, and we're going hunting!

Fuckin' huntin'! Fuckin' huntin'!

Fucking hunting!

Glad you could join us today.

We got a special episode for you as we will show you how to track and hunt the ever-elusive Texas panther.

Damn it. - Fuckin' huntin'!

Alone outside in these parts -- totally badass.

Lance? The Texas panther is like the -- the me.

And that's why I'm going to kill one.

Fuckin' huntin'!

Lance?

Buddy?

Can I get you anything?

You want -- you want a ginger ale?

From newscenter 25, we interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this late breaking news.

According to various sources throughout the South Texas region, there have been numerous reports of a massive outbreak of what appears to be a peculiar strain of the flu virus.

Over 150 cases have already been reported within the last half-hour alone.

Symptoms include discoloration of the skin, bleeding from the eyes, nose, and mouth, loss of motor skills, and violent acts of aggression towards loved ones, friends, and church-goers.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program, "Billy ray and friends." What?!

I said how about you draw then?

Lance!

Oh, shit. Listen to me.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Lance!

Lance!

Lance!

Come on, buddy! It's me!

Don't make me do it!

Don't make me do it!

Shit!

I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, that looks bad.

Aah!


Knock you right out.


All right, murph. Stand him up, please.

Aah!

Now, let's try this again.

What were you doing on my property?

I told you, I didn't know I was on your property.

Everything out here looks the same!

Aah!

Do I look like a fool to you? No!

He's lyin', Billy ray.

Really, murph? H-he's lying?

He just said he didn't think I was a fool.

I'll let you think on that one.

Look! I'm sorry for trespassing.

I promise, I had no idea! Please, just let me go.

Or at least let me put some pants on. The floor is cold.

I'm afraid it's just not that easy.

You see, I'm what the locals around here refer to as a badass.

Now, if I just allowed you to leave without suffering the consequences, well, that might soil a reputation I've worked so tirelessly to maintain.

You understand?

So, that's a no to the pants then?

Hm.

Hey! Let's give 'em a spankin'!

What?! No!


Oh, yeah, you like that?!


Hey, hillbillies.

Spank this.

Shit.

So we do meet again.

Hello. You've reached Thomas Alexander III.

I will be participating in the barbaric ritual of hunting this weekend, but if you leave me a message, someone will get back to you shortly.

Oh, God.

Tom! It's Craig, all right?

Where the hell are you? Okay, we found Lance.

All right, he's sick -- okay, very sick.

Look, Jerry's out looking for you.

I'm don't know if that's such a good idea.

I just -- I need you to give me a call back asap, all right?

And change your voicemail.

"Someone will be getting back to you?"

I mean, that just sounds gay.

I mean, it's stupid.

To hell with it. It's gay, okay?

And that's okay because if you're gay, then I'm cool, so just come out with it, you know?

I mean, t-that is if you're gay, that is.

To erase and re-record, press "3."

Damn it! To continue recording where you left off, press "4."

Message erased.

Tom, it's Craig. Please come back to the lodge asap.

We've found Lance.

Aah!

Aah!

Lance?

Lance, buddy?

Look, that's too much. Aah!

...Also, if you want to kill yourself.

If this sounds like your life story, have I got the perfect product for you.

It's the studabaker acculevel 2000.

It's perfect for straightening pictures and nooses.

The studabaker acculevel 2000 will help you kill two birds with one stone.

The only thing worse than a picture that won't hang right is a noose that won't hang you right.

Am I right?

So avoid the embarrassment of crooked pictures and failed suicide attempts.

Sir, I know you're upset, but I'm asking you -- no, I'm begging you, may I please have a pair of pants?

Trespassers receive no such luxuries.

Then why does he get to wear his pants?

Why am I the only one who's naked?

Would you prefer if we were all naked, tom?

No, Jerry! Silence!

How dare you invade the sanctity of my gentlemen's club?!

I am a badass!

Oh, from where I'm sitting, it looks like you just want some ass...Bad.

How dare you speak so to me?!

You will learn humility.

You're never gonna get away with this, boss.

Sheriff o'Connor, how are you this evening?

So you see, we've already gotten away with it.

And as long as that bloody game warden keeps his distance, we will continue getting away with it.

But he always manages to ruin all my fun.

I really wonder where he is right now. You know, it's unlike him not to drop by.

Great.

You do realize that you probably have an entire army of undead headed this way?

My thoughts exactly.

Wiggle my bean at this! One at a time, boys.

Remember, this is a gentlemen's club.

Is she -- yep.

What are you doing? Getting us out of here.

Unless you want to be part of the buffet that's about to begin.

There we go.

My pants!

There we go.

What are you doing?!

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna do it in a pair of pants.

Untie me first!

Hey!

They's free!

Damn skinny jeans!

About time, buttercup.

Shut up, goombah.

Eat shit, sparkle fairy!

Dale! Move!

That's it. There we go. Come on. That's it.

Aah!

Ooh. Not such a badass now, are you, Billy ray?

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo! Ha ha!

Yeah! Ha ha!

Whoo! Yeah, baby! Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo! Oh, man.

Oh, come on, buck up, buttercup.

Hey, uh, I think there's some trash bags in the back seat if you, uh, get a little chilly.

Oh, and don't worry.

I, uh, I won't tell anybody about the ass raping.

Ass raping?

There wasn't any fucking ass raping!

I was ridden around like a pony and spanked.

That's it!

Yeah.

Whatever you say, boss.

Aah!

Oh. Whoo!

Oh. Whoa.

Hey, bastard came out of nowhere.

You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?

Eh, well, yeah.

Looks like we got to make a little pit stop.

To catch a Texas panther, you're gonna need a panther of your own.

Where the hell are you guys?

Craig? Carla!

What's going on?

Hey, well, uh, yeah, th-th-that's kind of a tough one.

Say, how are things where you are?

What do you mean?

I mean, uh, are people trying to bite each other?

Bite each other? Attacking -- trying to maim or kill really.

What are you talking about, Craig? Never mind.

...no fucking panthers.

You're at another party again, huh?

Do not start with me. Yes, I'm at another party.

Look, your text message said you had to talk about something important.

Was that biting thing it? Oh, no.

Look, I need to ask you something, all right?

It's something that I heard about you...

...and Lance.

Uh, look, Craig, I-I-I can't really hear you.

I can't talk right now. We're gonna talk later, okay? Bye.

Are you sleeping with Lance?

Fuck that! It was him!

I came here to hunt!

Lance?

Are you sleeping with Carla?

I know. I know.

Crazy, right?

It's just that tom said he saw you with Carla, and the way you acted when I showed you the ring...

I don't know.

I just get the feeling that Carla's not happy.

Maybe I'm just insecure.

Lie back, Craig.

What? On the couch.

Get comfortable.

You said something intriguing just now, Craig.

I did? Yes, Craig, you did.

You said you were feeling insecure.

Well, yeah. I mean, I guess so.

I just get the feeling I'm not good enough.

Were you breast-fed, Craig?

What?

Did your mother breast-feed you?

Lance, you're acting weird.

Just answer the question! No.

Well, studies have shown that when a child, specifically a male, is not breast-fed, they oftentimes lose their sense of security, which usually translates into a dissociation with the opposite sex.

Insecurity, Craig.

All right, Lance, you're acting weird.

Craig, it's my belief that Carla's not the issue, or some nasty rumor.

It's your mother, Craig.

My mother?

Yes, Craig! Your mother!

I'm not so sure about -- Think about it.

Carla loves you. She'd never betray your trust.

It's been five years. Six years.

Six years.

Now, these feelings, these insecurities you're experiencing are a direct result of the essential motherly attention that you were deprived of as an infant.

Maybe you're right.

My mother never cut off the crust off on my peanut butter sandwiches, and she knew I liked them that way.

Bingo.

Thanks for talking, Lance.

Any time, buddy boy.

You're seriously gonna do this right now?

Hey, when nature calls, I say hello.

Just hold it!

Eh, ain't good to keep it inside.

Shit.

Back in a jiff.

I'm wearing a trash bag, for Christ's sake.

You look good in black.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Idiot.


Shit!

Ah!

Ow! Yes!

What the hell?!

Oh! You're not a zombie?

What are you talkin' about, boy?

I'm so sorry, it was just weird the way you were standing there just staring at me like that.

You're wearin' a garbage-bag dress and I'm the weirdo?

Way to stereotype, a-hole.

What? No.

And it's not a dress -- more like a robe or a wrap.

Anyway, I didn't mean it that way.

Aah! Shit!

Jerry!

Jerry! Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Die!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Jesus.

I just killed a priest, man.

You sure did. With a crucifix no less.

That's kind of poetic.

Congrats.

Hey, you all right, boss?

He didn't try to rape you or anything, did he?

No, Jerry.

All right, it's just...

Well, you're naked again, and being a priest and all, I thought maybe -- thank you for pointing that out, Jerry.

No problem, boss.

Ahh.

Good work.

Aw, damn it!

You locked the keys in the truck!

Hello. I'm Isaac white.

And if you're watching this, you're color-blind.

This video was made for people like you and me who can't tell the difference between these two cards.

You probably have a lot of questions about your condition.

Lance? Why can't I see color?

Buddy?

Is this a compromise?

Am I more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases?

[ Growling and last but not least, am I going to die?

Aah!

Lance! You're sick!

Aah!

No!

Bravo, boss. Bravo.

It was an accident. I didn't mean to do it.

Why are you naked, tom?

Great trip, Craig.

I killed him.

I killed my best friend.

Not yet. You got to destroy the brain.

Here, take my shotgun.

No! Get that away from me!

It was an accident.

Well, look at it this way.

At least you got your girlfriend's vagina back, huh?

He didn't do that! He told me so!

You will be missed, my friend.

B.F.F.

What the hell?

It's Carla's number.

Hello?

Lance?

Uh-huh.

Hey, so, I got a really weird call from Craig earlier.

I think he might be on to us. Has he said anything to you?

No. Good.

Oh, maybe I'm just being a little paranoid.

He's such a weirdo.

Anyway, I can't wait for you to come back.

Mama's been a bad girl and needs a spanking!

Spanking?!

Craig?!

Bitch!

My mother is a lovely woman!

I think he's dead, boss.

Damn cellphones.

What the hell's going on out here?

Retribution, baby.

Craig had to go a little buck wild.

Carla, huh?

Bitch.

Aah!

Let's get the hell out of here.

That's a good idea, boss.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

Bill Shakespeare.

I didn't know they could drive.

It doesn't look like they've completely gotten the hang of it.

Get to the truck.

What the hell?!

What is it? We're out of gas.

We just had a full tank this morning.

We were just at a gas station, Jerry.

You didn't think to fill up?

You were at a gas station?

I forgot to look at the gas gauge.

I'm -- I'm sorry, boss.

I'm sorry, boss! I'm sorry, boss!

How can you not look at the gas gauge?!

It's right beside the speedometer!

'Cause I never look at the speedometer.

I'm gonna kill you! All right! All right!

Tom! Tom! Hey, look! Stop!

Stop! Just stop!

We're just gonna have to make a stand here at the ranch house.

Remember the alamo?

Everyone was slaughtered at the alamo, Craig.

That's not the point, tom, all right?

This is where we fight.

This is where they die!

Huh?!

"300"? The movie?


Nice turtleneck, tom.

Fuck off, Craig.

What if we just hold out until morning?

They can't be exposed to sunlight, right?

Those aren't vampires, tom.

They're gonna be out there until we put a bullet into every one of their pretty little heads.

Well, we're screwed.

How much ammo do we have, Jerry?

Ammo? Oh, I got your ammo.

Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Wow. There are all sorts of felonies in there.

Good work, Jerry.

This place isn't gonna hold much longer.

I know. I wish we could get that damn truck to start.

I'm sorry about that, boss.

W-wait. Wait a sec.

Aren't there a couple of gas cans out back for the 4x4?

Remember? Clyde said "one, two, count 'em."

Hey! That's right! There are!

If we could get that gas into Craig's truck, we could get the hell out of here!

That's beautiful, baby. That's fucking beautiful!

I love you, tom! I fucking love you!

Okay, calm down.

All right, it's gonna be tough.

They're everywhere.

But if it's the only way...

...it's time to get buck wild.

Buck wild, baby.

Buck wild.

Buck wild!

Oh, God of war, we pray to you in this, our darkest hour.

Three mortal men melded together by the flames of war.

Brought together, we band of brothers to keep at bay the evil that has fallen upon us.

For we entered this place as boys, but tonight we will leave here as men.

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever.

Amen. L'Chaim.

Play ball.

So, who's going out there?

I'll go.

No, no, no.

I'll go.

The gas thing was my fault.

Don't you want a gun?

Nah. I got to improve my blade skills.

Besides, swords don't run out of bullets.

You ready?

Yahtzee!


Aah!

Aaaaaaaaah!

That's a little over the top, don't you think?

He made it!

Nice.

They're coming in!

Stay here. Use the shotgun.

Let Jerry back in, but keep them out.

We need that gas.

Uh, really quickly...

How many bullets do I have and where is the safety on this thing?

I know you can do this, tom.

Hold them off.

Shit balls.

Aah!

Come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Yes!

Shit!

Yes!

Yeah, baby!

Oh, shit.


Come on, open the door!

Ride me! Ride me like a pony!

You --

I'm coming for you, boss!

Aah!

Is that a fish?

Yeah.

I found it in the freezer.

Well, you're definitely getting the award for best kill and most improved.

Thanks, Jerry.

Aah! Craig!

Aah! What took you guys so long?

Tom had to play a little game of "go fish."

What? Never mind. Bad joke.

We got the gas.

Only one tank though -- I got blind-sided.

That should be good enough.

We got to make a break for the truck.

I got this.

Tom! Tom, help me with the door!

This is it!

Aah! This is it, Craig!

I got you! I got you, buddy!

Jerry!

Shoot!

What the hell, man?!

I'm sorry, boss! My aim is all off tonight.

I can usually make those.

Can you ever forgive me?

That's perfectly all right, Jerry.

I accepted that you were probably gonna kill me.

Great trip, Craig.

Top 10...For sure.

Is he dead?! Nah.

Nah, it's just a flesh wound.

Probably just passed out.

Tom! Aah!

My turtleneck! No!

Now he's dead.

Only the dead have seen the end of war, boss.

That's Plato.

Thanks, Jerry.

I spilled most of the gas, boss!

That's all right. I guess this is it!

Goodbye, buddy!

See you on the other side, brother!

All right, assholes!

Come out with your hands up.

It's time to pay the Piper.

That's our ride! Let's get out of here!

Get your asses out here now!

What the hell?

Shit.

This is for tom.

Shots fired! We got shots fired at buck wild ranch!

Damn it, Shirley! Come on in!

Craig! Duck!

Yeah!

Suck on that, you British hillbilly banana!

Eh? Eh?

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Yahtzee.

This is it!

What in the holy hell is going on here?

You two fags get out of the truck right now! You're under arrest!

We didn't do nothin'! Please, sir, we'll explain later.

We got to go now! I'm calling the shots!

I'm calling the shots!

We didn't do nothin'! Please, sir, we got to go now!

Get out!

Aah!

Shit! He's got the keys!

What?! Shit.

We're not gettin' them back, neither.

You know how to do that?

I'm from New York.

Don't leave me.

I'm sorry.

Ah!

Here we go!

Whoo!


Hey, man, I, uh --

I want to apologize for telling you that I hated you yesterday.

Ah. Water under the bridge, boss.

Thanks again for inviting me along.

Top-10 trip.

And, uh, for the record, I do like "the godfather" trilogy.

Thanks a lot, man.

That really means a lot, man.

What the hell was that?

It's a buck.

It's a good, clean kill, too.

Sure would be a shame to waste him.

Make sure you tag 'im.

Hey, Jerry? Yeah, boss?

W-w-what did -- what did you do anyway in -- in New York?

Uh, just had a handful of unpaid parking tickets.

Yeah.

And I might've killed this guy, too, though.

But it was an accident.

It was a misunderstanding, really.

I'm just messin' with you, boss!


♪ I'm packing it up ♪

♪ I'll take this ride again ♪

♪ I'll tow the line between loving and caring ♪

♪ what do I do but feed the fire within? ♪

♪ hoping the lord will understand ♪


♪ By the dark of the moon on a hot June night ♪

♪ I'll take my baby stepping out tonight ♪

♪ I think I see her walking hand in hand ♪

♪ I think my baby ♪

♪ oh, got another man ♪

♪ well, now, things like that keep me so upset ♪

♪ the more I see, the meaner I get ♪

♪ I don't think she knows how I feel ♪

♪ she made me taste that ♪

♪ hard, cold steel ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel laying in my hand ♪

♪ hard, cold steel make you understand ♪

♪ hard, cold steel gets her every time ♪

♪ so don't be messing with that woman of mine ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel ♪

♪ hard, cold steel ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel ♪

♪ hard, cold steel ♪


♪ I am a jealous man, please understand ♪

♪ I can smell the presence of another man ♪

♪ feeling keeps coming, and it feels so real ♪

♪ you made me taste that ♪

♪ hard, cold steel ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel laying in my hand ♪

♪ hard, cold steel make you understand ♪

♪ hard, cold steel gets them every time ♪

♪ so don't be messing with that woman of mine ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel ♪

♪ that hard, cold steel ♪

♪ hard, cold steel ♪