Buffalo Soldiers (2001) Script

[ Static ]

Pilot: Eagle, say again. Repeat, please, Eagle.

[ Static ]

Radio operator: Can you confirm deployment?

Roger that, Eagle. Stand by.

[ ENGINES HUMMING ]

Copy that. We got a target confirmed.

Eagle is green for go. Repeat. Eagle is green for go.

Copy that. Deployment in 15 seconds.

Bombardier, give me a confirm on target three zero niner.

[ MECHANICAL WHIRRING ]

Uh, that's three zero niner. Confirm.

Copy, bombardier. Okay.

In 3, 2, 1.

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

Elwood: FALLING.

MY WORST FEAR IS FALLING.

FALLING LIKE A BOMB.

YOU SEE, LIFE FOR ME IS ABOUT DISTRACTIONS.

I TRY TO KEEP LOOKING UP AND FORGET ABOUT WHAT'S DOWN.

BUT WHEN I DREAM, I FALL.

[ ENGINE RACING ]

Man: LEFT.

LEFT.

LEFT.

* OH, SOLDIERS Men: * OH, SOLDIERS

* COMBAT SOLDIERS

* COMBAT SOLDIERS

* PICK UP YOUR WEAPON AND FOLLOW ME *

* PICK UP YOUR WEAPON AND FOLLOW ME *

* FOLLOW ME TO VICTORY

* FOLLOW ME TO VICTORY

* 101

* 101

* SCREAMIN' EAGLES

* SCREAMIN' EAGLES

* PICK UP YOUR ROPES AND FOLLOW ME *

* PICK UP YOUR ROPES AND FOLLOW ME *

* FOLLOW ME TO VICTORY

* FOLLOW ME TO VICTORY

* 82nd

* 82nd

* AIRBORNE SOLDIER

* AIRBORNE SOLDIER

* PICK UP YOUR JUMPERS AND FOLLOW ME *

* PICK UP YOUR JUMPERS AND FOLLOW ME *

* FOLLOW ME TO VICTORY

* FOLLOW ME TO VICTORY

[ MEN GRUNTING ]

MAN!

YOU CAN'T DO THAT, MAN. WHAT?

THAT'S A FOUL.

I DIDN'T GRAB YOU.

DUDE, YOU GRABBED ME, MAN.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

MAN, I DIDN'T GRAB YOU. WHY YOU LYING?

MAN, ELWOOD. YO, ELWOOD, MAN.

HE GRABBED ME, RIGHT? YOU SAW IT.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

YOU SEE, MAN? YOU CAN'T GRAB LIKE THAT.

FUCK YOU, MAN.

Elwood: VIETNAM WAS THE THORN IN EVERYBODY'S SIDE.

THEY STOPPED THE DRAFT AND ASKED FOR VOLUNTEERS.

EXCEPT NOBODY VOLUNTEERED.

I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO PLAY FOR A LOSING TEAM?

SO WHERE'D THEY GO TO FIND THE NEW PATRIOTS?

ANSWER -- PRISON.

TAKE CONVICTED FELONS AND GIVE THEM A CHOICE.

SERVE TIME OR SERVE YOUR COUNTRY.

CRIMINALS AND HIGH-SCHOOL DROPOUTS TRAINED TO KILL.

I KNOW SOMETHING NOW.

PRISON WOULD HAVE BEEN A HELL OF A LOT SAFER.

IT'S FUCKING HOLDING, DUDE. YOU WANT TO TRY IT AGAIN, THEN, MOTHERFUCKER, WITH A SNAP THIS TIME? FINE BY ME.

LET'S GO, BABY.

HEY, VIDEO, THROW ME THE GODDAMN BALL.

OKAY, BUT I'M QUARTERBACK. CAN I BE QUARTERBACK?

COME ON. COME ON. YEAH, YEAH. COME ON.

Squash: ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT THEY GOT.

[ MEN SHOUTING ]

HEY, YO. CAN I PLAY?

WHOA, WHOA. PARSONS.

GOT SOMETHING FOR ME THERE?

YOU PUT IT IN THE BATTERY, RIGHT? YEAH, YEAH. NO PROBLEM.

HEY, CAN I PLAY, TOO?

I WAS CHAMPION WIDE RECEIVER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I CAN CATCH THAT BALL, MAN.

PARSONS, YOU'RE SO FUCKED UP YOU COULDN'T CATCH A BUS.

STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND LET THE BROTHER PLAY SOME BALL.

FUCK YOU, TOO, MAN!

COME ON! GET DOWN! GET DOWN!

ON "HUT." DOWN.

Video: SET. COME ON. COME ON. BRING IT ON.

GIVE ME SOME, MAN! HUT!

MOTHERFUCKER.

THESE WERE MY GUYS.

FIGHTING THE DULL FIGHT.

SOLDIERS WITH NOTHING TO KILL EXCEPT TIME.

THEY KNOW THAT WAR IS HELL.

BUT PEACE, PEACE IS FUCKING BORING.

GIVE ME THE BALL. YO.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

GIVE ME BACK THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL, MAN.

NO, NO, NO.

UH, GUYS?

GUYS.

GUYS!

WHAT?!

UH, JUST LETTING YOU KNOW. PARSONS IS DEAD.

PARSONS McCOVEY WAS A CASUALTY OF WAR.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS THAT THIS WAS THE COLD WAR AND HE WAS A FUCKED-UP JUNKIE.

THERE'D BE NO HERO'S BURIAL FOR PARSONS.

"I REGRET THE DEATH OF YOUR SON IMMENSELY.

"HE WAS PERSONALLY KNOWN TO ME, AND THERE WAS NOBODY

"IN THE BATTALION I WOULD HAVE TRUSTED MORE WITH MY LIFE.

"IN HIM WERE RESPLENDENT THE VIRTUES OF HONOR AND LOYALTY

"TO HIS COUNTRY AND GOD THAT ARE

"WHAT KEEP OUR CIVILIZATION TOGETHER.

"HE FELL OFF THE ROOFTOP OF HIS BARRACKS

"WHILE TRYING TO MAKE TECHNICAL REPAIRS TO THE ANTENNA THAT WE USE TO GUARD AGAINST THE ENEMY."

"TECHNICAL REPAIRS"? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

OH, I TRIED TO THINK WHAT McCOVEY MIGHT BE DOING UP THERE, SIR.

OKAY. GO ON.

"HE DIED, THOUGH NOT IN COMBAT, STILL IN THE LINE OF DUTY, "AND HE HAD HIS COUNTRY UPPERMOST IN HIS MIND.

"MY DEEPEST REGRETS.

COLONEL WALLACE BERMAN, UNITED STATES ARMY, COMMANDING."

YOU KEPT THIS ONE SHORT, ELWOOD.

YEAH. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE BETTER NOT TO GET LOST IN DETAILS, SIR.

I LIKE THE TOUCH ABOUT ME TRUSTING HIM WITH MY LIFE.

IT'S A NEW ANGLE, SIR.

HERE'S SOMETHING, THOUGH.

UH, THE WORD "RESPLENDENT" --

I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD WORD TO DESCRIBE A SOLDIER.

WE'VE GOT TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE THERE.

WHAT ABOUT "CONTAINED"?

"IN HIM WERE CONTAINED THE VIRTUES OF HONOR AND LOYALTY."

THAT'S MUCH BETTER. DON'T YOU THINK?

OH, MUCH BETTER, SIR.

SCRATCH "RESPLENDENT."

DON'T LET THAT WORD LEAVE THIS BASE.

YES, SIR.

OKAY, LET'S SEE. WHAT IS THIS? WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

JUST SOME REQUISITIONS, SIR.

1,000 GALLONS OF MOP AND GLO.

MY GOD. DO WE REALLY NEED THAT MUCH?

WELL, CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.

HERMAN THE GERMAN. HOW GOES IT?

HOW DO YOU DO, MEIN FREUND? HOW ARE YOU?

DOING JUST FINE. DOING JUST FINE.

SO, WE DO SOME BUSINESS TODAY?

SURE THING. GUYS?

[ LIQUID POURING ]

I THINK YOU'LL BE PLEASED.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND LOOK AT THE SPARKLE.

THAT'S REAL CLEANING POWER.

SEHR GUT SCHEISSE, JA?

SEHR GUT SCHEISSE, MEIN FREUND.

U.S. ARMY'S FINEST.

500 GALLONS READY TO GO.

THREE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT GERMANY.

MY MERCEDES-BENZ.

NO SPEED LIMIT ON THE AUTOBAHN.

AND A BLACK MARKET FOR ANYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON.

* 1989

* THE NUMBER

* ANOTHER SUMMER GET DOWN!

* SOUND OF THE FUNKY DRUMMER

* MUSIC HITTIN' YOUR HEART 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU GOT SOUL *

* HEY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

* LISTEN IF YOU'RE MISSIN', Y'ALL *

* SWINGIN' WHILE I'M SINGIN' HEY!

* GIVIN' WHAT YOU'RE GETTIN'

* KNOWIN' WHAT I KNOW

* WHILE THE BLACK BAND'S SWEATIN' *

* AND THE RHYTHM RHYME'S ROLLIN' *

* GOT TO GIVE US WHAT WE WANT YEAH!

* GOT TO GIVE US WHAT WE NEED HEY!

* OUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS FREEDOM OF DEATH *

* WE GOT TO FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE *

* FIGHT THE POWER

* FIGHT THE POWER

* FIGHT THE POWER

* FIGHT THE POWER HEY, ELWOOD. WHAT'S UP, MAN?

OUTSTANDING, HICKS. HOW YOU DOING?

SO...

YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD, HICKS.

YOU GOT ANYTHING?

DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT.

UH, IT'S...HORSE.

CAN'T HELP YOU.

YOU KNOW -- FUCK. ELWOOD, UH...

I OUTRANK YOU, MAN, SO DON'T GIVE ME ANY...CRAP.

I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU.

LOOK, MAN. I DON'T DO RETAIL. I ONLY COOK THE SHIT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE SERGEANT SAAD?

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

* BUM-RUSH THE SHOW

* YOU GOT TO GO FOR WHAT YOU KNOW *

Elwood: SO THERE'S BASICALLY TWO KINDS OF GUYS IN THE ARMY.

THE MOTHERFUCKERS AND THE MOTHERFUCKED.

SERGEANT SAAD IS THE THIRD KIND.

HE FUCKS THE MOTHERFUCKERS.

WHICH IS DOABLE WHEN YOU'RE THE CHIEF M.P. BY DAY AND THE DIRECTOR OF RETAIL HEROIN SALES BY NIGHT.

NOW, ME AND SAAD, WE WERE ABLE TO COEXIST MAINLY BECAUSE OF MY COOKING SKILLS.

IN THE DISPENSARY BUILDING RIGHT ON BASE, I'D COOK HIGH-GRADE TURKISH MORPHINE INTO HIGH-GRADE HEROIN.

AND THEN I'D WHOLESALE IT STRAIGHT TO HIM.

EVERYONE WAS HAPPY.

SO, HOW MUCH WE GET?

WELL, AFTER WE GIVE THE TURK BACK HIS SHARE, WE GOT, UH, TWO, FOUR, SIX... NINE GRAMS.

NINE GRAMS?

SIX HOURS OF COOKING AND ALL WE GET IS NINE GRAMS?

HEY, YOU WANT TO TELL THE TURK YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH OUR CUT, BE MY GUEST.

BULLSHIT, MAN.

WE'RE THE ONES DOING ALL THE WORK, TAKING ALL THE RISK DOWN HERE, AND SAAD'S MAKING ALL THE PROFIT.

GARCIA, I'M GONNA JUST NEED YOU TO DO YOUR JOB, ALL RIGHT?

CAN YOU WATCH THOSE THERMOMETERS AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH EATING THOSE HOT DOGS?

CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?

Col. Berman: HEROIN, COCAINE, MARIJUANA, LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYL... WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS.

AMPHETAMINES, TRACES OF BARBITURATES, ESTROGEN.

ESTROGEN?

McCOVEY WAS ON THE PILL?

HOW COULD THIS BE POSSIBLE?

WELL, HE MIGHT HAVE TAKEN IT BY MISTAKE, SIR. WHAT?

A BIRTH-CONTROL PILL. HE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

WELL, FINE, BUT HE DIDN'T TAKE HEROIN, SPEED, AND COCAINE BY MISTAKE, DID HE?

IT SEEMS UNLIKELY, SIR.

THIS ISN'T GOOD, ELWOOD -- DRUGS ON THE BASE LIKE THIS.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?

HOW COULD SOMEONE GET DRUGS IN?

I REALLY DON'T KNOW, SIR.

I ALWAYS TRY TO KEEP AWAY FROM PEOPLE LIKE PARSONS McCOVEY.

ELWOOD, WE'VE GOT TO TRY TO CLEAR THIS MATTER UP, GOD DAMN IT.

I CANNOT -- NO. NO, NO, NO. SCRATCH THAT.

I WILL NOT HAVE THIS KIND OF THING GOING ON AT MY BASE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

MY OFFICER-EVALUATION REPORT GOES IN FRONT OF GENERAL LANCASTER IN THREE WEEKS.

I DON'T GET THAT GODDAMN STAR, I'M FINISHED.

SIR, YOU'VE GOT TO RELAX --

DON'T YOU TELL ME TO RELAX, GOD DAMN IT.

YOU, WHO ARE AN E4. I'M A GODDAMN FULL-BIRD COLONEL.

YOU DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU UNDERSTAND ME, SOLDIER?

YES, SIR.

OH, J-JESUS, ELWOOD.

I'M...

I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE IT OUT ON YOU.

ELWOOD, I'M S-- I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY, SIR.

I UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF PRESSURE YOU'RE UNDER.

THIS ISN'T MINE.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

AND THERE'S NO SMOKING IN HERE.

OH.

I NEED SOMEONE TO SIGN HERE. IT SAYS "BERMAN."

YOU'RE BERMAN?

YEAH, WELL, I'M COLONEL BERMAN, ALL RIGHT, BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY GODDAMN CHAIR.

I'M TELLING YOU, SON, IT'S NOT MINE.

IT IS YOURS.

OH, LIZ. HELLO, DARLING.

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL? IT'S FOR YOU.

IT'S FOR ME?

I GOT IT FOR UNDER 30. I DON'T THINK THEY KNEW WHAT THEY HAD.

30,000?

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT WAS SO CHEAP.

DOLLARS OR DEUTSCHE MARKS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, ELWOOD? DO YOU LIKE THE NEW CHAIR?

WELL, CAN YOU SIT ON IT, MA'AM?

NO, OF COURSE YOU CAN'T SIT ON IT. IT'S AN ANTIQUE.

OH. WELL, IT'S VERY NICE.

DARLING, CAN I BORROW ELWOOD FOR A FEW HOURS?

THERE ARE SOME THINGS I NEED HIM TO DO.

[ MOANING PLEASURABLY ]

GOD.

[ GRUNTS ] WAIT.

ALMOST. ALMOST.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ GROANS ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

Man on TV: ...THE DEAL SIGNED EXACTLY A YEAR AGO IN STOCKHOLM TO BUILD EAST/WEST TRUST AND REDUCE THE RISK OF WAR.

EAST AND WEST HAVE ALWAYS FEARED THAT SUCH AN ENORMOUS EXERCISE MIGHT BE USED AS A COVER FOR A BUILDUP TO WAR.

YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT YET.

SORRY. YOU ANGRY?

NO.

RAY, HONEY, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

THE COLONEL'S GIVING A PARTY, AND I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT ABOUT DECORATIONS.

WHAT'S HE WANT A PARTY FOR?

HE WANTS TO IMPRESS THE GENERAL.

HIS POSITION'S UNDER REVIEW, AND I THOUGHT A PARTY WOULD HELP.

WILL YOU?

HMM?

HMM?

OH, YOU MEAN A PARTY PARTY?

LIKE, BERMAN'S FUN -- [ GASPS ] OH.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

[ MOANS SOFTLY ]

...TO ENSURE NO CHEATING IN THE FUTURE.

AND ALL SIDES AGREE THIS FIRST ON-SITE VERIFICATION OF CONVENTIONAL FORCES IS A MAJOR STEP FORWARD IN BUILDING NEW TRUST AND CONFIDENCE.

CAN YOU SWITCH THAT OFF?

JUST TURN THAT ENGINE OFF AND COME ON OVER HERE.

[ ENGINE TURNS OFF ]

Elwood: IS THERE A PROBLEM?

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THIS HUMMER?

UH, WE HAVE ORDERS HERE FROM COLONEL BERMAN.

OKAY. WHO ARE YOU?

SPECIALIST RAY ELWOOD.

WHAT'S THIS?

UH, WE HAVE ORDERS FROM THE COLONEL TO PICK UP PARTY, UH, DECORATIONS IN MANNHEIM.

PARTY DECORATIONS. YES, FIRST SERGEANT.

COLONEL'S HAVING A PARTY.

SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY DANGEROUS MISSION.

UM, NO DISRESPECT INTENDED, BUT MAY I ASK WHO YOU ARE?

YEAH, YOU CAN ASK.

I'M YOUR NEW TOP. FIRST SERGEANT ROBERT E. LEE.

WELL, PLEASED TO MEET YOU, TOP. WELCOME TO THE 317th.

WELL, THANKS, SPECIALIST.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE GETTING A NEW TOP.

WHY WOULD YOU?

WELL, I'M BATTALION CLERK HERE.

I USUALLY DO PAPERWORK ON ALL THE TRANSFERS.

OKAY. THANKS, GUYS. I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU.

NO PROBLEM.

HOLD FOR A SECOND, THERE.

YOU GOT THE TIME, SON?

OH, YEAH. IT'S, UH, ALMOST 10:00.

WELL, THAT'S A NICE WATCH. SHOW ME THAT.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

MY FATHER, UH, GAVE IT TO ME.

YOUR FATHER GAVE IT TO YOU.

HE MUST BE QUITE A GUY. WHAT'S HE DO?

HE'S A BARBER.

BARBER.

GEE. HE MUST CUT A LOT OF HAIR.

YEAH.

OKAY. YOU BETTER BE GOING, THEN.

DON'T WANT TO BE LATE PICKING UP THEM PARTY DECORATIONS.

LET'S GO.

[ DR. OCTAGON'S "BEAR WITNESS" PLAYS ]

[ INDISTINCT VOICES ON RADIO ]

* BEAR WITNESS

* BEAR WITNESS

* CREATIN' RAP MUSIC 'CAUSE I NEVER DONE DISCO *

Man on radio: Bravo two zero. Bravo two zero, come in.

Bravo two zero.

Bravo two zero, come in. SHIT.

TURN THAT DOWN, MAN. TURN DOWN THE FUCKING MUSIC. DUDE, YOU'RE FUCKING CLOSER.

Bravo two zero, please respond. What's going on, Hicks? I'M NOT GETTING UP.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

UH...

BRAVO TWO ZERO HERE.

Bravo two zero, commence attack on maneuver area two niner Alfa Romeo.

Take position on phase line Foxtrot Delta four seven.

[ LAUGHING ] FUCK.

WHAT THE HELL'S... TWO NINE ALFA ROMEO?

Garcia: I GOT A VERY WEIRD VIBE FROM THAT GUY.

I PERSONALLY DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

HE'S OUR NEW TOP. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

OH, YEAH? WELL, WHAT WAS THAT SHIT ABOUT THE ROLEX, MAN?

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

HE COULD KNOW ABOUT THE OPERATION.

HE COULD KNOW SOMETHING.

JESUS CHRIST. DON'T GET FUCKING PARANOID, GARCIA.

JUST BE COOL.

I'M COOL.

FUCK, MAN. I CAN BE COOL.

WELL, GOOD. THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING YOU.

[ "HOLY CALAMITY (BEAR WITNESS II)" PLAYS ]

FIGURED OUT WHERE WE'RE GOING YET, MAN?

UH, NO.

WE'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY.

SHIT.

UH, HEY, JOHNNIE, MAKE A-A LEFT.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, LAUGHTER ]

* BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAK *

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

I TOLD YOU TO MAKE A LEFT ACROSS THAT FIELD.

I DID, MAN. I WENT LEFT.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ "HOLY CALAMITY" CONTINUES ]

WHAT WAS THAT BUMP?

OH, SHIT, MAN.

WE JUST RAN OVER A CAR, MAN. WE JUST SQUASHED A CAR!

WHAT KIND OF CAR?

A VOLKSWAGEN. A FUCKING BEETLE.

OH, NO.

WE SQUASHED A BEETLE.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

LOOK OUT, MAN.

Stop.

STOP!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ ENGINE RUMBLING ]

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?

WHOA!

STOP. STOP!

WOW, MAN. THESE DUDES ARE FREAKING ME OUT.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THEM, EITHER, MAN.

HEY, JOHNNIE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST, UH, GET US AWAY FROM THESE FUCKERS?

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING, MAN?


HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE MONITORS?

THEY'VE GONE ALL ORANGE.

JOHNNIE, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET US OUT OF HERE.


[ INDISTINCT VOICES ON RADIO ]

THAT'S OUR FUCKING UNIT. JUST UP AHEAD.

Man on radio: Is that you back there, Bravo two zero?

Did you complete your two niner Alfa Romeo?

UH, WE, UH, COMPLETED THAT. [ LAUGHING ]

Okay. Good work, guys. Get in formation.

Garcia: OH, SHIT!

[ DOG BARKING ]

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

THESE GUYS ARE DEAD.

GARCIA, GET IN THE TRUCK AND FOLLOW ME.

WHAT?

HEY, WHAT'S IN THE TRUCKS?

I DON'T KNOW. BUT LET'S FIND OUT.

HEY, NO WAY, MAN.

JUST GET IN THE FUCKING TRUCK.

ALL RIGHT.


OH.

JACKPOT.

OH, SHIT. HOLY SHIT.

GRENADE LAUNCHERS.

MAG GUNS. STINGER MISSILES.

JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS WORTH MILLIONS.

$3 MILLION, MAYBE. MAYBE $5 MILLION.

IT'S ALL BRAND-NEW.

HEY, WE GOT TO TAKE THIS BACK.

THIS STUFF GETS US NOTHING BUT HEAVY JAIL TIME. OH, WE'RE NOT TAKING THIS BACK.

THIS IS BIG-TIME. WE CAN RETIRE ON THIS.

WELL, I AGREE 100%.

HEY, THIS IS WAY OUT OF OUR LEAGUE.

THEY KILL YOU FOR STUFF LIKE THIS.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS SHIT.

THERE'S NO TIME LIKE NOW. GUYS, IF WE PULL THIS OFF --

THERE'S NO TIME LIKE NOW? ARE YOU CRAZY?

WE'RE NOT WEAPONS DEALERS.

WILL YOU KINDLY SHUT UP?

MAN, YOU'RE SO NEGATIVE ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T LIKE IT, ALL RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO THINK.

HEY.

HEY.

WE'RE SMART, RIGHT?

[ INHALES DEEPLY ] YEAH.

THEN WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS.

OH, MAN.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS SHIT?

WELL, FIRST WE NEED TO STORE IT.

AND I KNOW THE PERFECT PLACE.

HEY, THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

YEAH. IT'S SUPPOSED TO.


HEY, FRANK. WHAT'S UP?

HEY, ELWOOD.

WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

NOTHING MUCH, NOTHING MUCH. LOOK, I GOT SOME STUFF I NEED TO STORE.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

SURE THING, MAN.

HEY, A-ARE WE GONNA PARTY AFTERWARDS?

DOES THE POPE SHIT IN THE WOODS?

HEY, WE CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS WITH THE CASH WE MAKE OFF OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OPENING UP A BAR?

A NICE, CLASSY PLACE.

ME AND YOU WOULD BE PARTNERS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SURE. WHY NOT?

WHOA!

THIS ONE READY TO GO?

YEAH. ALMOST. ALMOST.

EASY.

YOU BE ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU AIN'T OUT IN 30, I'M COMING IN.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE FINE.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

ELWOOD. HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?

HEY, DAVOOD. HOW ARE YOU? I'M WELL.

ARE YOU HUNGRY? YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?

OH, NO. I'M FINE. THANKS. I'D BETTER GET UP TO...

OKAY.

SAY HI TO YOUR SISTER, ALL RIGHT?

HMM.

A LOT OF GUNS.

WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THIS STUFF?

SANTA CLAUS.

[ Laughing ] SANTA CLAUS.

THAT'S FUNNY.

SO HE CAME DOWN THE CHIMNEY AND PUT IT UNDER THE TREE, HUH?

YEP.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

SO...

HOW ABOUT THIS?

I GIVE YOU 20 KILOS ON TOP OF MY NEXT SHIPMENT, AND YOU COOK THAT ALONG WITH MY SHARE OF THE SHIPMENT...

AND YOU MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

20 KILOS?

MM-HMM.

NO. I WANT CASH.

25.

LOOK, I KNOW SOMEBODY ELSE WHO'S VERY INTERESTED IN THIS MERCHANDISE, MAN.

OKAY.

MAYBE THEY'LL PAY YOU CASH.

35.

29.

I HATE TO BREAK THAT 30 MARK.

IT'S, UH, A RELIGIOUS THING WITH ME.

I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO, 'CAUSE 30 KILOS IS MY FINAL OFFER.

[ LAUGHS ]

HE'S SENDING US 30 KEYS. ONE WEEK.

30 KEYS?

HOLY SHIT.

THAT'S A... A LOT.

WELL, HOW DO WE COOK THAT MUCH? IT'LL TAKE US LIKE A YEAR.

IT'S GONNA BE COOL.

[ INDISTINCT VOICE ON TV ]

[ CLATTERING ]

Man on TV: POLITICALLY, MR. GORBACHEV HAS NEVER BEEN MORE VULNERABLE.

THIS IS REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

HEY, GUYS, CAREFUL WITH MY SHIT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE PRETTY WELL-EQUIPPED FOR A SPEC 4.

I GOT RECEIPTS FOR EVERYTHING.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

HEY, TOP. LOOK AT THIS.

CHECK AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING INSIDE.

NOTHING.

MMM, MMM, MMM.

I'LL BET THIS DON'T COME CHEAP.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

THIS AIN'T EXACTLY REGULATION STUFF HERE, IS IT, SOLDIER?

WELL, I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

NO. I GUESS NOT.

LOOK, I'M GONNA COME AROUND HERE TOMORROW, AND I WANT THIS PLACE LOOKING LIKE A REGULAR QUARTERS.

YOU FOLLOW?

LOOK, I KNOW IT AIN'T EXACTLY REGULATION.

BUT THE LAST TOP DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND ABOUT ALL THIS.

WELL, HIM AND ME ARE A BIT DIFFERENT.

LOOK, TOP, IS THERE A WAY YOU AND I COULD TALK IN PRIVATE?

THESE GUYS KIND OF MAKE ME NERVOUS.

DOES IT REALLY HAVE TO PLAY THIS WAY, TOP?

HOW DO YOU SUGGEST WE PLAY IT?

WELL, WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?

I MEAN, YOU AND ME, I THINK WE --

I THINK WE GOT A LOT IN COMMON.

BARRIERS ARE COMING DOWN IN HUNGARY.

SO MUST THEY FALL THROUGHOUT ALL OF EASTERN EUROPE.

FOR EXAMPLE, I SEE YOU'RE AN ADMIRER OF JAPANESE TECHNOLOGY.

NO PROBLEM.

THE TV IS YOURS.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS...

WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE FOR YOU AND ME TO MAKE NICE?

ARE YOU SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING?

[ APPLAUSE ON TV ]

THE WORLD HAS WAITED --

THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.


Man: FIVE METERS.

ELWOOD.

HEY. THIS WILL TAKE A SECOND.

I'LL MEET YOU DOWN THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO IN SUCH A HURRY?

OH, NOWHERE, REALLY.

I JUST HAD A COUPLE THINGS TO DO.

YOU'RE ALWAYS OFF WITH YOUR BUDDIES.

I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE.

WELL, IT'S JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY.

BUSY?

YEAH.

THE GUEST LIST.

GUEST LIST?

PARTY? YOU'RE STILL HELPING ME.

OH, THE PART-- YEAH. SURE. DEFINITELY.

WE JUST FOUND OUT THE COLONEL'S RELATED TO THE IRON BOAR.

THE IRON WHAT? THE IRON BOAR.

AS IN MALE PIG.

I HAD A LAWYER TRACE HIS FAMILY TREE, AND IT TURNS OUT HE'S A DISTANT RELATIVE OF A CIVIL WAR HERO -- JOHN BELL HOOD.

THEY CALLED HIM "THE IRON BOAR."

HE'S GOING TO ANNOUNCE IT TO GENERAL LANCASTER AT THE PARTY.

I THINK IT'LL HELP HIS PROMOTION.

Man: THREE METERS.

SERGEANT LEE'S DAUGHTER.

THAT'S TOP'S DAUGHTER? YOU'RE KIDDING.

SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE, ELWOOD?

Man: EIGHT METERS.

10 METERS.

NICE DIVE.

THANKS.

THE NEW TOP. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S UP TO?

HE'S JUST A WASHED-UP VET WHO WANTS TO THROW HIS WEIGHT AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

BUT RIGHT NOW HE'S ON YOUR CASE, MY MAN.

YEAH. WELL...

HEY. CHECK OUT THIS GIRL.

WHY?

THAT'S TOP'S DAUGHTER.

NO SHIT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING?

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU COULD BE THINKING ALMOST ANYTHING.

MAYBE I SHOULD ASK HER OUT.

YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY. YOU KNOW THAT?

IMAGINE HOW MUCH THAT'LL FUCK WITH HIS HEAD.

IT'S PERFECT.


[ ENGINE SPUTTERING ]

HEY.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CAR.

YEAH. IT WON'T START.

YEAH. IT MIGHT BE THE BATTERY. WANT ME TO TAKE A LOOK?

YOU'RE ROBYN LEE, RIGHT?

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

I'M BATTALION CLERK HERE FOR FIRST BATTALION.

KIND OF KNOW EVERYTHING.

HMM. MUST BE HANDY.

HEY, YOU'RE A GOOD DIVER.

I SAW YOU IN THERE AT THE POOL DIVING OFF THE HIGH PLATFORM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SCARED OF HEIGHTS?

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY YOU WOULDN'T GET ME UP THERE.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

IT'S FUN.

FUN?

WHY IS IT FUN?

FALLING THROUGH AIR. IT'S KIND OF COOL.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME. YOU LIKE FALLING?

SURE. WHY NOT?

HEY, I THINK I FOUND THE CULPRIT.

YOU WANT TO GIVE THAT A TRY?

[ DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

WHAT A GUY.

THAT'S ME.

UH, ACTUALLY, I'M RAY ELWOOD.

BUT EVERYONE CALLS ME ELWOOD.

THANKS FOR FIXING MY CAR, ELWOOD.

YEAH. NO PROBLEM.

SO, YOU WANT TO GO OUT FRIDAY NIGHT?

Col. Berman: IT'S A VINEYARD I VISITED LAST SUMMER.

JUST A SMALL ONE IN THE NAPA VALLEY.

PINOT GRAPES. IT'S FOR SALE.

YOU THINKING OF BUYING IT, SIR?

WELL, I WISH.

NO.

BUT I HAVE A PRETTY DECENT COLLECTION BACK HOME, AND I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO MAKE MY OWN WINE.

I COULD JUST ABOUT AFFORD IT.

OF COURSE, IT'S UNREALISTIC.

HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT THOSE TWO TRUCKS GONE MISSING?

WHAT TRUCKS, SIR?

DURING REFORGER, TWO TRUCKS WENT MISSING.

THE DRIVERS WERE KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A TANK AT SOME GAS STATION OUT NEAR KARLSRUHE.

THEY FOUND THE BODIES OF THE DRIVERS, BUT THEY CAN'T FIND THE TRUCKS.

HOW ODD.

YOU WANT TO HEAR THE BEST PART?

WHAT'S THAT, SIR?

IT'S COLONEL MARSHALL'S INFANTRY, SO HE'S TAKING THE HEAT.

GREAT NEWS, SIR.

ELWOOD, COULD I TELL YOU A LITTLE SECRET?

OF COURSE, SIR.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE CIVIL WAR GENERAL, JOHN BELL HOOD?

THE IRON BOAR?

YOU KNOW OF HIM?

WELL, OF COURSE, SIR. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE IRON BOAR.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS SO WELL-KNOWN.

IT TURNS OUT THAT I AM AN ACTUAL RELATIVE.

A RELATIVE OF THE IRON BOAR?

AWESOME.

I WANT YOU TO KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT.

I'M GOING TO SURPRISE THE GENERAL AT THE PARTY.

[ DOORBELL BUZZES ]

YEAH. EXCUSE ME.

PRIVATE FIRST CLASS BRIAN KNOLL REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR.

WELL, I'M NOT AN OFFICER, SO YOU CAN CUT THE "SIR" CRAP.

SORRY. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I JUST ARRIVED THIS MORNING. THE ORDERLY SENT ME DOWN HERE.

OH. GREAT. WHAT'S THAT, YOUR 201 FILE?

YES, SIR. UH, YES.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU CAN SIT DOWN IF YOU WANT.

SO, HOW COME THEY ASSIGNED YOU HERE?

OH, I PUT IN FOR IT.

MY FIANCEE IS HERE ON BASE, SO WE ARRANGED TO TRANSFER TOGETHER.

OH. HOW SWEET.

WHO'S SHE?

MARGOLIS. CAROL ANN. PRIVATE FIRST CLASS.

YOU CALL HER BY HER LAST NAME?

WHAT DO YOU DO, SALUTE IN BED?

IT SAYS HERE THEY PUT YOU IN ROOM 519.

YEAH.

NO. THAT -- THAT'S MY ROOM.

DIDN'T -- DIDN'T SERGEANT LEE TELL YOU?

W-WE'RE GONNA BE ROOMMATES.

SO WHILE CAROL ANN'S BEEN HERE FOR SIX MONTHS, I'M STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO, YOU KNOW, JUST PULLING WHATEVER STRINGS I COULD.

Kissing the base commander's ass like you would not believe.

Not literally. But, boy, oh, boy.

SO CHECK THIS OUT. SO THEN --

JESUS CHRIST. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I GUESS I DON'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT.

YOU'RE ONLY HERE 'CAUSE SERGEANT FUCKING DICKHEAD LEE IS ON MY CASE, ALL RIGHT?

AND UNTIL I GET THAT SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR YOUR TRANSPORTATION PROBLEMS OR ANYTHING AT ALL.

YOU ROGER THAT?

Man on TV: AT MILWAUKEE AS THE STARTING QUARTERBACK...

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HIYA, TOP. HOW'S IT GOING?

DADDY, THIS IS RAY ELWOOD.

OH, YEAH. WE ALREADY MET.

UM, I'M GOING OUT. I WON'T BE HOME TOO LATE.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU AFFORD THIS CAR?

OH, I GOT A GREAT DEAL.

MERCS ARE A LOT CHEAPER IN GERMANY.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT?

YOUR DAD. HE'S FOLLOWING US.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HEY. HOW'S IT GOING? GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HEY, ELWOOD. WHAT'S UP?

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

[ NEW ORDER'S "BLUE MONDAY" PLAYING ]

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU AND MY DAD?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON.

WELL, I'M THE NATURAL ENEMY OF GUYS LIKE YOUR DAD, MOSTLY BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE ARMY.

IF YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT, WHY'D YOU JOIN?

I DIDN'T EXACTLY HAVE MUCH OF A SAY IN THE MATTER.

I GOT CAUGHT STEALING A CAR, AND THE JUDGE GAVE ME A CHOICE.

EITHER SIX MONTHS IN PRISON OR THREE YEARS IN THE ARMY.

SO I MADE THE MISTAKE OF CHOOSING THE ARMY. YEAH. YEAH. I GET IT. I GET IT.

MY DAD USUALLY HAS A PROBLEM WITH GUYS LIKE YOU.

SO YOU'RE OUT WITH ME TO PISS HIM OFF.

NO. I, UH...

THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, THAT'S -- I'M FUCKED UP. I'M REALLY SORRY.

YEAH, THAT'S -- THAT'S DEFINITELY FUCKED UP.

LOOK, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME NOW. I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.

YOU'RE SERIOUSLY OUT WITH ME JUST TO PISS OFF MY DAD?

YEAH. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

HE'S THE FIRST SERGEANT OF YOUR COMPANY.

HE'S NOT SOMEBODY YOU WANT TO PISS OFF.

YOU REALIZE HE'S GONNA CUT YOUR BALLS OFF.

YEAH. PROBABLY.

SO WHAT IF I STAY?

THERE'S A CHANCE YOU'RE GONNA LOSE YOUR BALLS.

DO YOU THINK I'M WORTH IT?

YEAH. SURE. WHY NOT?

FINE.

DO YOU WANT ONE OF THESE?

WHAT IS THAT?

ECSTASY.

* HOW DOES IT FEEL

* TO TREAT ME LIKE YOU DO

* WHEN YOU'VE LAID YOUR HANDS UPON ME *

* AND TOLD ME WHO YOU ARE?

* I THOUGHT I WAS MISTAKEN

* I THOUGHT I HEARD YOUR WORDS *

* TELL ME, HOW DO I FEEL?

* TELL ME, NOW HOW DO I FEEL?

* THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE ME

* LIVED THROUGH THEIR VOCATIONS *

[ MUSIC FADES ]

I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

A BURN. [ LAUGHS SOFTLY ]

HOW'D IT HAPPEN?

WHEN I WAS A KID, MY DAD WAS DRUNK AND HE DROPPED A CIGARETTE ON MY NIGHTGOWN AND IT CAUGHT FIRE.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

IT'S REALLY UGLY, ISN'T IT?


GET UP!

GET UP! GET UP!

AT THE ARMORY! FULL GEAR! FIVE MINUTES!

FIVE MINUTES?

COUNT 'EM!

[ MEN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE ]

ELWOOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?

TARGET PRACTICE.

ELWOOD, HAND ME YOUR RIFLE.

I WANT YOU TO PACK THE M60.

BUT I'M NOT QUALIFIED TO OPERATE IT, TOP.

THERE'S A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING, ELWOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA LEARN IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE.

HAND IT TO HIM.

THE 60 IS A HEAVY MOTHER.

SO AM I.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

Sgt. Lee: WHAT'S THE MATTER, ELWOOD?

YOUR FITNESS LACKING?

YOU WANT TO DO THE CONFIDENCE COURSE A FEW TIMES TO GET YOU BACK INTO SHAPE?

NO, THANKS, TOP.

I'LL BE FINE.


I DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THAT SPOT OVER THERE THAT HAS BEEN MARKED WITH AN "X."

WE HAVE HERE THE PROTOTYPE OF A NEW RUSSIAN TANK.

WE ARE HERE TO TEST THE VULNERABILITY OF SAID TANK TO SUSTAIN FIRE FROM AN INFANTRY PLATOON.

SQUAD...

LOCK AND LOAD ONE MAGAZINE, TAKE UP A GOOD FIRING POSITION.

YOU WILL FIRE ON MY COMMAND.

SUSTAIN FIRE UNTIL THE ORDER TO CEASE FIRE HAS BEEN GIVEN.

READY!

FIRE!


[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

SO YOU DID TOP'S DAUGHTER?

THINK I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM.

NO SHIT.

I LIKE HER.

I REALLY LIKE HER, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, SHE'S DIFFERENT, MAN. SHE'S COOL.

THERE'S JUST -- I JUST FUCKING DIG HER, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A PROBLEM.

YEAH.

ELWOOD.

HEARD YOU LOST YOUR RIDE, THERE, BABY.

I WAS GETTING BORED WITH THAT CAR ANYWAYS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, YOU BETTER TAKE NOTE, THERE, STONEY.

IT AIN'T TOO HEALTHY HANGING AROUND THIS GUY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THE SHIT HE'S MAKING YOU EAT.

OH, YOU WANT SOME MEAT LOAF, SAAD?

NOW, THAT'S A FUCKING INSULT TO ME.

I DON'T EAT MEAT.

YOU SEE, HUMAN BEINGS DON'T HAVE THE PROPER TEETH AND CAN'T DIGEST THAT SHIT.

IT STAYS IN YOUR GUTS FOR THREE WEEKS, THEN IT ROTS.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. YOU AIN'T GOT NO DISCIPLINE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE SOME POINT HERE, SAAD, 'CAUSE... YEAH.

THE CABINET IN THE STORAGE ROOM WAS EMPTY, MAN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS EMPTY?

EMPTY. IT MEANS NOTHING WAS IN IT.

IT MEANS I PAID MY HARD-EARNED FOR THIN FUCKING AIR.

NO. WAIT. YOU LOOKED INSIDE THE BATTERY, RIGHT?

LIKE ALWAYS, EXCEPT THIS TIME NOTHING WAS IN IT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

YOU TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME, ELWOOD?

IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO?

I SENT PARSONS THERE TO STASH IT.

STUPID FUCKING JUNKIE PROBABLY DID SOMETHING WITH IT.

PARSONS AIN'T AROUND NO MORE, AND AIN'T THAT REAL FUCKING CONVENIENT?

HEY, RELAX, MAN. IT'S ALREADY SORTED.

I GOT A BRAND-NEW BATCH READY FOR YOU.

MAINTENANCE AREA AT THE SWIMMING POOL.

USUAL PLACE. I PUT IT THERE MYSELF THIS TIME.

IT'S DEFINITELY THERE, OKAY?

IT FUCKING BETTER BE. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

THIS MEAT LOAF LOOKS GREAT, DOESN'T IT?

IN THE ARTICLE -- IN...IN THE ARTICLE, THERE WAS A PHOTO OF THE CONFEDERATE GENERAL, JOHN BELL HOOD, AFFECTION-- AFFECTION--

AFFECT-- [ INHALES DEEPLY ]

AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS "THE IRON BOAR."

KNOWN AS "THE IRON BOAR."

THE IRON BOAR.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

NO ONE.

HOW ARE THINGS GOING DOWNSTAIRS?

GET READY. GUESTS WILL BE ARRIVING SOON.

I'M COMING.

I WAS READING A COPY OF "THE MODERN SOLDIER,"

AND THERE WAS AN ARTICLE...

ON THE GUERRILLA FIGHTERS IN THE CIVIL WAR.

THERE WAS A PHOTO OF THE CONFEDERATE GENERAL, JOHN BELL HOOD, AFFECTIONATE --

AFFECT-- AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS "THE IRON BOAR."

THE IRON WHAT?

BOAR.

B-O-A-R. AS IN MALE PIG.

IT WAS LIZ WHO ACTUALLY NOTICED IT.

BUT THE RESEMBLANCE TO MYSELF WAS ABSOLUTELY UNCANNY.

SO WE COMMISSIONED A LAWYER TO BEGIN TRACKING DOWN COURT RECORDS, PASSENGER-SHIP LISTS -- THAT SORT OF THING --

AND IT WAS FINALLY CONFIRMED JUST LAST WEEK VIA WHAT HAS BECOME KNOWN AROUND HERE AS A "LYNCHBURG CONVERGENCE" WHERE A CERTAIN TREVOR BERMAN AND A HOOD GIRL KNOWN AS ETHYL WED AND HAD TWO BOYS IN THE TOWN OF LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA.

ONE OF THOSE BOYS, GARY BERMAN, IS MY GREAT-GREAT-UNCLE.

A DESCENDANT OF THE WILD BOAR.

SIR, THAT'S THE IRON BOAR.

I GUESS I'M SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WITH FAMOUS RELATIVES.

ISN'T THAT SO, MARSHALL?

I TRY NOT TO PLAY IT UP.

BUT WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS RELATED TO FORMER ARMY CHIEF OF STAFF GENERAL GEORGE C. MARSHALL, I GUESS IT GAVE ME A STRONG SENSE OF MY HERITAGE.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PROUD OF MY FAMILY.

BUT KNOWING THAT I WAS FROM FIGHTING STOCK...

AFFECTED ME QUITE PROFOUNDLY.

I SEEM TO RECALL THIS GENERAL HOOD.

HE WAS INVOLVED IN SOME... DISASTROUS BATTLE AND LOST A LEG, DIDN'T HE?

I WOULDN'T SAY IT WAS DISASTROUS.

AND AN ARM.

HE LOST AN ARM AS WELL, DIDN'T HE?

NO. HE DIDN'T LOSE AN ARM.

HE LOST THE USE OF IT. HE KEPT THE ACTUAL ARM.

DRINK, GENERAL?

WHY, THANK YOU.

MRS. COLONEL?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T GO MUCH FOR THIS LINEAGE SHIT.

I'M NOT RELATED TO ANYONE FAMOUS, AND THIS FAMILY-LINE BULLSHIT MAKES ME FEEL INSECURE.

MY BELIEF IS IF YOU COME FROM DIRT, YOU'LL FIGHT BETTER BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE DIRT.

THE BEST FIGHTERS IN THE WORLD ARE PEOPLE WITH NOTHING TO LOSE.

GET ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE, WILL YOU?

RIGHT AWAY, SIR.

THANK YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, THE USUAL --

BERMAN AND MARSHALL TRYING TO SUCK A GENERAL'S DICK.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PARTY FOR OFFICERS ONLY.

Stoney: DAMN.

THE GENERAL'S SURE HAPPY TO SEE HIS ASS.


HOW'S IT GOING?

WHAT YOU DOING WALKING AROUND HERE, WHITE BOY? YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING?

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET BACK TO MY ROOM.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE OR...

NO TROUBLE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

OKAY.

SAY, YOU WITH ELWOOD NOW, AIN'T YOU?

YOU'RE ELWOOD'S HOMEY?

YEAH. HE'S MY ROOMMATE.

OH, YOU'RE ROOMMATES?

THAT'S REAL NICE, MAN.

[ MID-TEMPO INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ]

UH, SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS AND A COCA-COLA, PLEASE.

DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH. WELL...HERE I AM.

THERE YOU GO.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

LOOK HOW THEY GOT YOU DRESSED UP.

AIN'T YOU SICK OF BEING FUCKED BY A WHITE MAN?

YOU AND ME CAN STEP OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

WHOA.

YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME?

UH-OH. CUSTOMERS.

WELL, MAYBE STRAIGHT UP, HAND TO HAND, YOU GOT A SHOT.

[ CHUCKLES ] MAYBE.

BUT MAYBE I WEAR A BLADE.

MAYBE I GOT A .45 COCKED AND LOCKED TO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS.

YOU AIN'T CONSIDERED THAT, HAVE YOU?

HEY, YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU AIN'T LIKE ELWOOD HERE. YOU GOT GUTS.

GUYS LIKE YOU GET ALL THE MEDALS.

HEY, BOB.

BOB, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE.

THERE'S SOMEONE I WANT YOU TO MEET.

EXCUSE ME.

HE MURDERED YOUR CAR?

YEAH. SHOT TO PIECES.

THE ENTIRE UNIT USED IT FOR TARGET PRACTICE.

EVEN ME.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

THAT'S PRETTY EXTREME, EVEN FOR HIM.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ARE YOU INTO SOME KIND OF SHIT ON THE SIDE?

I'VE LIVED ON BASE MY WHOLE LIFE.

I KNOW WHAT GOES ON.

I ALSO KNOW MY DAD DOESN'T TAKE A DISLIKING TO JUST ANYONE.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

YOU'RE INTO SOMETHING, AREN'T YOU?

A FIASCO.

A DEBACLE, EVEN. WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

GOD DAMN IT. IT WAS YOUR IDEA.

I'D NEVER HEARD OF THE FUCKING IRON BOAR.

DO SOMETHING, THEN.

MARSHALL'S GOING TO TAKE THAT PROMOTION IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING.

TAKE THE INITIATIVE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

YOU'RE A SOLDIER. GO ON THE ATTACK.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA. WHAT?

LEAVE IT TO ME. TELL ME.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. TELL ME.

I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.

YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

MY DAD'S A PRETTY HEAVY GUY. HE CAN REALLY FUCK YOU UP.

WHEN YOU SAY FUCK ME UP, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN FUCK YOU RIGHT UP.

HE'S DONE THREE TOURS OF VIETNAM.

HE'S KILLED A LOT OF PEOPLE.

WHOA. SO YOU'RE SAYING HE'S GOING TO KILL ME?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT... HE'S NOT A GUY TO MESS WITH.

WELL, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?

I GUESS I DON'T WANT HIM TO FUCK YOU UP.

YOU REALIZE THAT'S PROBABLY THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S SAID TO ME IN MY WHOLE LIFE?

I LOVE THIS GUY, DON'T YOU?

[ LAUGHS ]

GENERAL, EXCUSE ME.

THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ] YES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE IDEA OF A TRAINING EXERCISE?

UH, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

WELL, WITH ALL THIS ACTIVITY IN THE EAST, I THOUGHT WE SHOULD STAY ON OUR TOES.

MAYBE I COULD PUT A COMPANY OF MY MEN UP AGAINST MARSHALL'S, SEE HOW THEY GO.

YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE UP FOR THIS SORT OF THING, WALLACE?

OH, YES, SIR.

IT COULD BE A STRAIGHT DEFENSIVE/OFFENSIVE EXERCISE.

MAYBE THE, UH, NUCLEAR FACILITY.

I COULD PUT MY MEN ON A FULL ALERT, SEE HOW THEY'D HOLD UP AGAINST AN ATTACK.

YOU WANT TO DEFEND THE NUKE BASE AGAINST MARSHALL'S INFANTRY?

YES, SIR.

PSST. CAN I SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN, PLEASE?

JUST A MOMENT, HONEY.

UH, MARSHALL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

EXCELLENT.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU'RE BORED.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

HEY, DO YOU EVER HAVE FALLING DREAMS?

SURE. I THINK SO.

I HAVE THIS SAME DREAM ALL THE TIME WHERE IT'S REALLY HIGH AND I'M KIND OF FLOATING AND THEN I FALL.

IS THAT THE SAME AS YOURS?

KIND OF.

WELL, WH-- WHAT HAPPENS IN YOURS?

I WAKE UP BEFORE I HIT THE GROUND.

I ALWAYS HIT.

I DON'T WAKE UP.

THAT'S NOT NORMAL.

I KNOW.

I GOT A BAD FEELING.

ABOUT WHAT?

SOME STRANGE SHIT'S BEEN GOING DOWN.

SAAD'S UP TO SOMETHING, AND IT'S NOTHING GOOD.

I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THAT STASH THAT DISAPPEARED.

I MEAN, PARSONS WAS STUPID, BUT HE WASN'T CRAZY.

HE WOULDN'T TRY TO RIP US OFF. YEAH.

I'M GOING OUT TO THE STORAGE ROOM LATER, CHECK OUT THAT CABINET.

MAYBE HE PUT THE STASH IN THERE WRONG OR SAAD COULDN'T FIND IT.

OKAY.

DO YOU WANT TO KILL RAY ELWOOD?

JESUS CHRIST, ROBYN. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DO YOU?

WHAT'S HE BEEN SAYING?

NOTHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE LISTENING TOO MUCH TO RAY FUCKING ELWOOD.

BUT YOU'VE KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE IN WAR AND STUFF, RIGHT?

AND NOW YOU WANT TO KILL RAY ELWOOD.

IT'S NO DIFFERENT, IS IT?

I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HOLY SHIT. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHO THE FUCK DID THAT TO YOU?

[ Voice breaking ] THOSE FUCKERS.

THOSE STUPID...STUPID... HEY.

STUPID...FUCKERS.

TAKE IT EASY. LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

[ SOBS ]

OH, FUCK.

HEY. COME ON. CALM DOWN.

JUST LET ME CLEAN IT UP, ALL RIGHT?

I'VE GOT SOME STUFF HERE.

[ COUGHS ]

TAKE THIS. PUT IT UNDER YOUR TONGUE.

LET IT DISSOLVE.

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'LL CALM YOU DOWN.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

MAN, I TOLD YOU.

YOU CAN'T WALK AROUND THIS END OF THE BASE ALONE AT NIGHT.

IT JUST AIN'T SAFE.

HEY, YOU WANT A BEER?

I'LL GET YOU A BEER, YEAH?

OKAY.

THANKS.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF GUYS TAKE A BEATING AROUND HERE.

JUST DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TWICE, ALL RIGHT?

MY DAD, HE STILL KEEPS IN TOUCH WITH HIS ARMY BUDDIES.

THE GUYS HE KNEW FROM WORLD WAR II.

YOU KNOW, THEY GET TOGETHER EVERY YEAR FOR A BARBECUE.

FRIENDS FOR LIFE, MAN. [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

I GUESS I'VE BEEN KIND OF AN ASSHOLE TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE IS FUCKED UP.

IT FUCKS WITH YOUR HEAD, AND...

SOMETIMES YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST, YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

WELL, I THINK TONIGHT ENDED UP OKAY.

DON'T YOU THINK?

A STUNNING SUCCESS. YOU SHOULD BE VERY HAPPY.

LIZ...

WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT DOWN FOR A WHILE?

HMM? HMM?

WELL, HONEY, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

WALLACE...

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN HELD A RIFLE?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHICH END THE FUCKING BULLETS COME OUT?

WHY, IN YOUR OPINION, WAS IT A GOOD IDEA TO CHALLENGE MARSHALL TO A TRAINING EXERCISE WHEN YOU'RE SUPPLY AND HE'S INFANTRY?!

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME I SHOULD GO ON THE ATTACK.

RIGHT. I SAID ATTACK.

I DIDN'T SAY FALL ON YOUR OWN SWORD.

WELL, I-I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I THINK I'VE GOT MARSHALL'S NUMBER.

I KNOW HOW HE THINKS. I KNOW HIS BATTLE STRATEGIES.

I'VE BEEN SUPPLYING HIM IN REFORGER, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I'M CONFIDENT I CAN SHOW HIM UP.

ALL I'VE GOT TO DO IS DEFEND THE NUKE BASE FOR 48 HOURS, RIGHT?

[ WHISTLING ]


[ DEBRIS FALLING ]


THE DEAL'S OFF.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S OFF?

THERE'S JUST SOME BAD SHIT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, AND I CAN'T DO IT.

I'M SORRY.

THE GUNS ARE ALREADY SOLD.

IF YOU DON'T DELIVER, THERE IS A BIG PROBLEM FOR ME.

LOOK, THEY KILLED ONE OF MY GUYS.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE LIKE A GAME?

A BIT OF FUN?

I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

PLEASE SIT DOWN!

WE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO TALK ABOUT.

[ SPEAKING TURKISH ]

THEY KILL YOUR FRIEND, HUH?

SOME FUCKING RUSSIANS KILLED MY SON!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

THEY TORTURED HIM AND THEY SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.

AND YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FRIEND?

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR FRIEND!

THE DEAL IS STILL ON, OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.

I'LL COME AND FIND YOU, AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.

OKAY, MAN?

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HOW'D IT GO?

GREAT. JUST GREAT.

[ VEHICLES PASSING ]

HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET THE GUNS OUT OF THE NUKE BASE IF THE TRAINING EXERCISE IS HAPPENING?

IF BERMAN'S EXERCISE LASTS ALL WEEKEND, THEN THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GONNA GET THE GUNS OUT OF THERE.

THE ONLY WAY IS IF THE EXERCISE FINISHES EARLY.

YEAH, MAN.

IF WE'RE NOT DEAD BY 1700, WE'RE FUCKING DEAD.

RELAX. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT?

I SAID I'LL FUCKING TAKE CARE OF IT.

Video: HOLY SHIT. GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY. THIS HERE IS CLOSED FOR BUSINESS, BABY.

GET UP. LET'S GO. MOVE IT. MOVE IT.

[ MEN SHOUTING ]

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, SON?

YOU BETTER GET ON UP OUT OF HERE.

MOVE! MOVE!

MOVE IT! GET UP OUT OF HERE!

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO. GET OUT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT YOU, ELWOOD.

Knoll: YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY HERE, SERGEANT.

YOU CAN'T JUST WALK IN HERE AND CLOSE THIS BAR DOWN.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.

YOU'RE A REAL BAD MOTHERFUCKER, AIN'T YOU?

TAKE HIM TO THE SHED.

HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! KICK HIS FUCKING ASS.

HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF, YOU BASTARDS! GUYS...

GET THE FUCK OFF ME!

[ GRUNTING ]

[ DE LA SOUL'S "SAY NO GO" PLAYING ]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

A LITTLE INVESTMENT ADVICE.

ON WHAT? ON HOW MUCH YOU THINK YOU'LL MAKE ON THAT SHIPMENT YOU'VE GOT COMING IN.

[ KNOLL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

IT'LL TIDE ME OVER.

WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT SECURITY ON THAT WILL BE?

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE HERE TO GIVE ME A PRICE QUOTE.

YOU KNOW, THE THING I LOVE ABOUT YOU, ELWOOD, IS THAT IT DON'T TAKE YOU LONG TO FIGURE OUT THE PLAY.

Knoll: GET THE FUCK OUT. [ DOOR OPENS ]

GET THE FUCK OUT!

YOU STUPID FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

GET OUT, FUCK! Man: CALM DOWN.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

[ GRUNTING ]

FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM.

STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

DON'T YOU LEARN?

HUH? DON'T YOU FUCKING LEARN?

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

YOU WANT TO TALK BUSINESS, RIGHT?

SO LET'S TALK BUSINESS.

OKAY.

OKAY.

LET'S TALK BUSINESS.

YOU WANT A CUT.

A CUT?

WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKING ABOUT, A CUT?

I'M YOUR BRAND-NEW FUCKING PARTNER.

I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE SAVED MY LIFE BACK THERE.

THANKS. I OWE YOU ONE.

YOU OKAY? THEY HURT YOU AGAIN?

NO. I JUST KIND OF GOT A SORE ELBOW.

LISTEN. I NEED A FAVOR.

YEAH. ANYTHING. ANYTHING, MAN. WHAT IS IT?

WELL, THE THING ABOUT COOKING SMACK IS, TO NOT GET FUCKED UP BY THE FUMES, YOU GOT TO HAVE A FULL STOMACH.

COOK SMACK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, YOU'LL BE STONED AS ANY JUNKIE.

PROBLEM WE GOT NOW IS WE'RE COOKING 10 TIMES MORE THAN WE'VE EVER DONE BEFORE.

SO TO STAY AWAKE, WE HAVE TO EAT A BURGER LIKE EVERY 15 MINUTES.

SO FOR SIX HOURS, LIKE --

THAT'S 24 BURGERS. THAT'S A LOT OF BURGERS.

YEAH. I KNOW. THEY DON'T TEACH YOU ABOUT THIS STUFF IN BASIC.

SO LOOK. I NEED YOU TO DO THE SHOPPING FOR ME.

GO INTO THE COMMISSARY HERE AND GET FOOD.

BURGERS, HOT DOGS -- ANYTHING WITH MEAT.

LOTS OF MEAT.

YEAH. OKAY. NO PROBLEM.

CATCH MY DRIFT HERE, RIGHT?

SAAD DOESN'T EAT MEAT.


HE'S DECIDED TO HOLD BACK.

HE WON'T COME UNTIL TONIGHT.

THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GOING TO MOUNT AN ATTACK IN THE DAY.

I THINK YOU MAY BE RIGHT, SIR.

I KNOW I'M RIGHT, ELWOOD.

HE WANTS TO WAIT TILL WE'RE WORN DOWN.

USED UP ALL OUR SUPPLIES. HAD A FEW FALSE ALERTS.

TWO TRUCKS COMING, SIR.

AHA. BREAKFAST.

WE GOT FRESH COFFEE, DOUGHNUTS, HASH BROWNS, EGGS, FLAPJACKS.

GARCIA, LET'S GET IN THERE. YES, SIR.

THESE TWO TRUCKS, LET THEM THROUGH.

YES, SIR.


STOP.

WHY THE HELL DID THEY GO OVER THERE?

[ MEN SHOUTING ]

[ GUNFIRE ]

[ ALARM BLARING ]

Man: GET THE FUCK IN THERE -- NOW!

MOVE! MOVE!

DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

MOVE IT!

BANG.

YOU'RE DEAD.

YEAH! YEAH!

COME ON! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

WAY TO RUN IT! WAY TO RUN IT! WHOO!

NICE PLAY! NICE PLAY!

HERE WE GO!

COME ON! COME ON! LINE UP!

[ MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

YOU OKAY, SIR?

ELWOOD, DID I EVER TELL YOU I MET PRESIDENT KENNEDY?

NO.

HE DELIVERED THE GRADUATION ADDRESS AT THE ACADEMY.

YOU CAN'T TELL IT FROM HIS PICTURES, BUT UP CLOSE, IN PERSON, HE...

HE JUST HAD THIS CHARISMA.

I SHOOK THE PRESIDENT'S HAND.

I FELT HIS STRENGTH, AND I THOUGHT...

"I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT GENERAL LANCASTER CALLED ME?

INCOMPETENT.

WILL HE INCLUDE THAT IN YOUR EFFICIENCY REPORT, SIR?

[ Laughing ] OH, YEAH. YES, I'M SURE HE WILL.

THE GENERAL HAS RELIEVED ME OF MY COMMAND.

MARSHALL SAID HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICER COULD TAKE OVER.

I'M REALLY SORRY, SIR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, ELWOOD?

I'M GOING TO TAKE MY PENSION AND BUY THAT VINEYARD.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SUCH A BAD IDEA, DOES IT?


MAKE SURE AND GIVE THE TURK ALL MY LOVE.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HEY, YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT BERMAN?

OH, FUCK, NO.

YOU DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT TIPPING OFF MARSHALL?

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED BERMAN.

YEAH. WAY I SEE IT, I DID HIM A FUCKING FAVOR.

BERMAN'S TOO NICE OF A GUY FOR THE ARMY.

YEAH. LOOK, I KNOW I DID IT TO SAVE MY OWN ASS.

BUT HE'S GOING TO MAKE HIS FUCKING WINE.

WE'RE STUCK HERE, UP TO OUR NECKS IN SHIT.

WHY THE DELAY? COULDN'T FIND THE BASE?

YOU BOYS ARE LOOKING KIND OF TENSE.

OH, WE'RE HAVING A BALL.

LET'S GET THIS STUFF INSIDE.


SO, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO COOK THIS STUFF?

MOST OF THE NIGHT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE?

HE'S WITH ME.

GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

WHOA, WHOA.

SAAD, DO ME A FAVOR AND PUT THAT OUT -- NOW.

I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND. THIS IS HIGHLY FLAMMABLE SHIT.

NOW, LISTEN UP. WE COOK SIX HOURS.

AND WE HAVE TO KEEP IT AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO 85 DEGREES CENTIGRADE.

WHAT HAPPENS IF IT GOES BELOW?

IF IT GOES BELOW 80, THE REACTION STOPS, WE'VE GOT TO COOK LONGER.

IF IT GOES ABOVE 90, THE MORPHINE IS DESTROYED.

AND IF IT BOILS, WELL...

"WELL" WHAT?

LET'S JUST SAY COOKING SMACK IS LIKE PREPARING THANKSGIVING DINNER WHERE ONE OF THE INGREDIENTS IS A HAND GRENADE.

THIS SHIT EXPLODES? KA-BOOM.

WELL, LOOK, YOU BETTER KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING, THEN.

I JUST HOPE THE VENTILATORS CAN HANDLE IT.

THIS IS WAY MORE THAN WE'VE EVER DONE BEFORE, MAN.

YEAH, IF WE CHANGE THE FILTER ELEMENT EVERY HOUR, IT SHOULD BE OKAY.

YOU ON IT, GARCIA?

I'M ON IT, MAN.

SAAD, DO YOU WANT A HOT DOG?

NO, I DON'T WANT NO FUCKING HOT DOG.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO VEGETARIAN SHIT?

HOT DOGS ARE MADE UP OF LIPS, UDDERS, AND ASSHOLES.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T WANT ONE.

I'LL FUCK YOU UP, MOTHERFUCKER. WHOA. GUYS.

PLEASE JUST FUCKING CUT THE SARCASM.

CAN WE JUST EAT OUR HOT DOGS AND CHILL OUT?

NOT YOU, OF COURSE, SAAD.

[ LIGHTER OPENS ]


OKAY. SIX HOURS.

MARK IT NOW.

KNOLL.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME REST. I'LL BE BACK AT 0400.

I'M LEAVING YOU IN CHARGE. ALL RIGHT, BUDDY? ALL RIGHT, MAN.

YOU LEAVING? WHERE YOU GOING?

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? JUST KICK BACK.

WATCH SOME TV. EDUCATE YOURSELF.

YOU OWN THIS BASE, RIGHT?

Man on TV: ...ALL AFTERNOON.

IT IS CLEAR THAT THIS WILL BE ONE OF BERLIN'S MOST DRAMATIC DAYS.

ROBYN?

COME ON UP.

I DON'T THINK SO.

JUST GET UP HERE.


COME ON UP. COME ON.

JUST A BIT FURTHER.

JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS NOT FUN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU SCARED?

OF COURSE I'M NOT SCARED.

I WON'T PUSH YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I'D APPRECIATE THAT. [ LAUGHS ]

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON. COME OUT TO THE EDGE.

[ Laughing ] TAKE ANOTHER STEP.

TAKE ANOTHER TWO STEPS.

JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER. COME ON.

SIT DOWN.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU JUMP?

A PARACHUTE.

OH, FUCK.

THAT'S REALLY HIGH.

MAYBE YOU GET USED TO IT AFTER A WHILE.

I THINK THE POINT IS NOT TO GET USED TO IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?


WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ARMS UP LIKE THAT?

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

ROBYN.

OH.

FUCK IT.

ROBYN.

[ GASPS ]

[ LAUGHS ]


Man on TV: ...BRUSSELS CHANGED ALL THAT.

A RELIEVED CHANCELLOR KOHL COULD NOW OFFER HIS ELECTORATE WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DEMANDING, WHILE THE PRESIDENT SEEMED HAPPY TO CELEBRATE...

[ KOHL SPEAKING GERMAN ]

Translator: MR. PRESIDENT, WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

YOU ARE A FRIEND AMONG FRIENDS.

WHY YOU MOTHERFUCKERS EAT SO DAMN MUCH?

'CAUSE WE'RE GROWING LADS.

WE NEED TO KEEP OUR STRENGTH UP.

[ GRUNTS ]

I DON'T FEEL TOO GOOD. Video: MM-HMM.

LET ME GET ONE OF THOSE BURGERS.

NO FUCKING WAY, SAAD. THIS SHIT'S LIKE POISON FOR YOUR BODY.

WOULDN'T WANT YOU BLOCKING UP YOUR ARTERIES.

FUCK YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT.

FUCK YOU.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

KNOLL.

SHIT. WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S...MIDNIGHT.

FUCK.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHERE YOU GOING?

FUCK. I GOT TO GO.

CAN I COME?

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

Knoll: THEY'RE IN THERE.

OH, FUCK.

Robyn: LEAVE HIM ALONE!

STOP IT!

SIR, COULD I ASK YOU TO PLEASE TAKE HER OUT OF HERE?

"S-SIR"?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SIR"?

[ GASPS ]

LET ME GO! [ GRUNTS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

SECOND LIEUTENANT BRIAN KNOLL...

VOLUNTEERED TO GO UNDERCOVER.

PFC KNOLL. OUR OFFICER IN THE HOLE.

[ Straining ] DON'T KICK ME.

Man on TV: FROM THE MOMENT THE FIRST WAVE OF EAST GERMANS CROSSED INTO BERLIN IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THIS MORNING...

Video: WHERE IS THE BERLIN WALL, ANYWAY?

Rothfuss: IT'S IN BERLIN, YOU DUMB FUCK.

YEAH, I KNOW IT'S IN BERLIN. WHAT COUNTRY IS IT IN?

IT'S IN GERMANY, MAN. FUCKING...GERMANY.

WEST GERMANY.

WEST GERMANY?

WELL, WHICH ONE ARE WE IN, THEN?

ARE WE IN WEST GERMANY, OR ARE WE IN EAST GERMANY?

WE'RE IN EAST.

WE'RE IN WEST GERMANY, YOU IDIOT.

Squash: WELL, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

FUCK IF I KNOW, MAN.

[ MEN SHOUTING ]

GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS IN THE AIR!

YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!

NOW! PUT YOUR FUCKING HANDS IN THE AIR!

GET 'EM UP!

I'M WARNING YOU! DROP THAT WEAPON.

OH, YOU PUT YOUR SHIT DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER. PUT IT DOWN!

IT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.

DROP THE FUCKING WEAPON.

NO. FUCK THAT.

DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MOVE!

NO. YOU PUT YOUR SHIT DOWN. FUCK YOU!


Man on TV: COME ON! COME ON!

Sgt. Lee: IT'S OVER.

IT'S ALL OVER.

[ Weakly ] WHAT'D YOU DO WITH ROBYN?

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HER.

SHE'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE.

[ GRUNTS ] LET ME GO, YOU FUCK!

KIMBOROUGH, YOU READ ME?

[ GUNFIRE CONTINUES ]

Hey, Kimborough, I'm in.

UH, WE GOT SOME RESISTANCE, BUT NOTHING WE CAN'T HANDLE.

SO YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING IT TO MY DAUGHTER, AND YOU THINK THAT'S MAKING WAR?

WAR, YOU DUMB FUCK, IS PLAYING FOR KEEPS.

SOMEBODY AS STUPID AS YOU, ELWOOD, DESERVES TO GO DOWN.

WITHOUT YOUR MUSCLE, YOU TURN TO SHIT.

NO BACKUP. TOO EASY.

WHAT?

WHO DO YOU THINK TOOK OUT STONEY?

YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID.


HE'S GONNA KILL HIM.

[ IGNITION BUZZES ]

CAN YOU -- CAN YOU WAIT ONE SECOND?

LISTEN TO ME. HE'S -- MY DAD IS GOING TO KILL HIM.

HE'S REALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING BAD. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHERE'S HE TAKING HIM? WHAT'S HE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?

HE'S TAKING HIM TO THE STOCKADE. HE'S NOT TAKING HIM TO THE STOCKADE.

THE STOCKADE'S THE OTHER WAY.

CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GO AND SEE WHERE HE'S TAKING HIM?

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]

[ GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE ]


[ ALARM BLARES ]

YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SECRET OF VIETNAM?

THE SECRET OF VIETNAM IS SIMPLE.

I LOVED IT.

WHOLE DAMN THING WAS NOTHING BUT FUN.

I'M JUST BEING HONEST. I FUCKING WELL LOVED IT.

EVERYONE ELSE WOULD, TOO, IF WE'D HAVE WON IT.

AND I DID ALL SORTS OF SHIT.

EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN DOING HERE AND MORE.

LOTS MORE.

Man on TV: ...A NEW ERA --


[ GRUNTS ]

LET GO! LET GO! LET GO!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

HOLD IT, SERGEANT.

GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SIR?

GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, OR I WILL SHOOT YOU, SERGEANT.


YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT ME?

YOU GOT THE BALLS TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

[ RUMBLING ]

THE BOILING POINT.

Elwood: "WHEN THERE IS PEACE, THE WARLIKE MAN ATTACKS HIMSELF."

THAT'S NIETZSCHE.

AND HIS POINT IS THAT THERE REALLY IS NO PEACE.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME WAR SOMEWHERE WITH SOMEONE.

AND THERE ARE NO WINNERS OR LOSERS, EITHER.

JUST THOSE THAT ARE STILL AROUND TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY.

Woman: 23 U.S. SERVICEMEN WERE KILLED LAST NIGHT WHEN A HUGE EXPLOSION ROCKED THE DISPENSARY BUILDING OF THE THEODORE ROOSEVELT ARMY BASE IN WEST GERMANY.

ARMY SPOKESMEN HAVE BLAMED THE BLAST ON A GAS LEAK, ALTHOUGH PENTAGON SOURCES HAVE NOT RULED OUT THE POSSIBILITY OF A TERRORIST BOMB.

A MIRACULOUS SURVIVOR OF THE BLAST, PRIVATE RAYMOND ELWOOD, IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER BEING BLOWN FROM THE FIFTH FLOOR OF THE BUILDING.

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH HAS SENT THE HOPES AND WISHES OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO PRIVATE ELWOOD AND ALL THE OTHER INJURED FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY.

Col. Armstrong: A PURPLE HEART AND, UM...

NO. WHAT IS IT?

DEFENSE SUPERIOR SERVICE MEDAL, SIR.

GAS EXPLOSION.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I READ IN THE "STARS AND STRIPES."

THEY THINK IT WAS A GAS EXPLOSION?

YES, SIR. THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK.

AND THIS, UH, ROBERT LEE, THE SERGEANT WHO GOT THE POSTHUMOUS SILVER STAR, YOU KNEW HIM WELL, DID YOU?

YES, SIR. HIS DAUGHTER'S MY SWEETHEART.

IS THAT RIGHT? I DIDN'T -- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

HOW'S SHE DOING?

SHE'S DOING OKAY, SIR.

SHE'S AT COLLEGE STUDYING POLITICS.

POLITICAL SCIENCE, TO BE EXACT.

SHE'S GOT HER SEMESTER BREAK NEXT MONTH, AND SHE'S GOING TO FLY OVER HERE TO SEE ME.

WELL, I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING HER.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY STANDING?

IF THE LEG STARTS GETTING WEARY, YOU JUST COP A SQUAT ANYTIME.

OH, I'LL BE FINE. THANKS, SIR.

OKAY.

IT REALLY IS HEALING QUITE NICELY.

I THINK THE TROPICAL AIR IS DOING IT SOME GOOD.

SO YOU LIKE IT HERE IN HAWAII?

YEAH. I'M SETTLING IN.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

NOW, LET'S SEE. WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

OH, JUST SOME REQUISITIONS, SIR.

1,000 GALLONS OF MOP AND GLO.

REALLY NEED THAT MUCH?

WELL, CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY, SIR.

[ DE LA SOUL'S "HELD DOWN" PLAYS ]

* THIS IS DEDICATED TO ALL MY FOLKS *

* DIAGNOSED WITH A BAD CASE OF THAT PROPER UPBRINGIN' *

* AND NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO FALL IN LINE OR FOLLOW *

* OR SWALLOW THE THOUGHTS OF THE RECOGNIZED COMMITTEES *

* WHO LURK THROUGHOUT YOUR CITY, YOUR HOOD, YOUR TOWN *

* NO MATTER WHICH TYPE, YOU'RE FROM THE SAME TYPE *

* OF PEOPLE TRY TO HOLD YOU DOWN *

* JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TAILOR-MADE *

* FOR BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS *

* NEVER MISSED A CHANCE TO MOVE AHEAD OF THINGS *

* AND WHAT DOES IT BRING?

* I TELL YOU FOR ME IT BROUGHT JEALOUSY AND BACK WOUNDS *

* FROM ALL THE STABBIN'

* CATS POSING AS MY FAM JUST TO GET TO GRABBIN' WHAT'S MINE *

* I'M LIVING IN TIMES WHERE MY DAUGHTERS ARE FOUND *

* AROUND KIDS WHO CAN'T AFFORD THINKING CAPS *

* BUT ALWAYS FOUND DRINKING RAPS AND EATIN' ON BEATS *

* CLAIMING LAWS OF THE STREETS, BUT WHO MADE THE LAWS? *

* EVERYBODY PLAYIN' REBEL WITH NO SIGN OF A CAUSE *

* WELL, I FEEL THE WORLD AROUND ME *

* I'VE FOUND THAT OTHERS WILL BRING YOU DOWN *

* JUST TO BE DOWN

* YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND *

* WHERE YOU WANT TO BE

* WHERE YOU WANT TO GO WITH YOUR LIFE *

* WITH YOUR LIFE

* I'M NEVER SINGIN' THE BLUES

* BUT FINDIN' THE CLUES TO MAINTAIN *

* AND I'VE BEEN BLESSED TO REIGN SUPREME *

* OVER NEARLY EVERY DREAM I HAD *

* AND I'VE MADE IT COME TRUE

* I'M AN IMPERFECT MAN

* AND I'M HOLDING THE CLUE TO PERFECTION *

* IT DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER WHAT DIRECTION I LOOK *

* I FIND PEOPLE SETTING TRAPS

* TRYING TO FIND THE GOLD WITHOUT HAVIN' ANY MAPS *

* EVEN FRIENDS OF MINE JUMPED ON LINE *

* JUST TO BECOME MY ADVERSARY

* THEY FELT THEY WERE ENTITLED TO THE DAIRY I'VE MADE *

* THEY DON'T COME TO CHILL OR BEHAVE *

* AND THEY GOT TOAST READY TO BURN *

* NOT LEARNING TO LIVE

* BUT THEY'RE YEARNING TO TAKE WHAT YOU EARN *

* WELL, I FEEL THE WORLD AROUND ME *

* I'VE FOUND THAT OTHERS WILL BRING YOU DOWN *

* JUST TO BE DOWN

* YOU SEE, YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND *

* WHERE YOU WANT TO BE

* AND WHERE YOU WANT TO GO WITH YOUR LIFE *

* WITH YOUR LIFE

* SO QUICK TO PLACE BLAME

* AND DENY THE SHAME WE BRING UPON OURSELVES *

* SO MANY NAMES HELD ACCOUNTABLE *

* FOR MY OWN ACCOUNTS

* WHEN A LARGE AMOUNT WAS WEIGHT *

* THAT I MADE AND SHAPED

* WHEN I CLIMBED, I FOUND

* IT WAS HARD TO FIND OTHERS AROUND TO POINT MY FINGERS AT *

* WHICH MADE ME REALIZE THE TRUTH *

* THE BIGGEST OPPRESSOR CAN BE YOUR OWN EGO *

* LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO PLANT ROOTS *

* IN A FIELD OF SELF-SORROW

* TO SPROUT AND FOLLOW THE FIRST THING YOU FEEL *

* NOURISHES YOUR HUNGER TO BE RESPECTED *

* IT GETS HECTIC

* AND WHEN I'M WATCHING THE NEWS *

* AND MY DAUGHTER WALKS IN AND CHOOSE TO ASK, *

* "WHY WERE ALL THOSE PEOPLE

* ON THE FLOOR SLEEPING, COVERED IN RED?" *

* I TOLD HER THAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR GOD *

* BUT FOUND RELIGION INSTEAD

* WELL, I FEEL THE WORLD AROUND ME *

* I'VE FOUND THAT OTHERS WILL BRING YOU DOWN *

* JUST TO BE DOWN

* YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND *

* WHERE YOU WANT TO BE

* AND WHERE YOU WANT TO GO WITH YOUR LIFE *

* WITH YOUR LIFE

[ CHOIR HARMONIZING ]


* OH, YEAH

* WELL, I FEEL THE WORLD AROUND ME *

* I'VE FOUND THAT OTHERS WILL BRING YOU DOWN *

* JUST TO BE DOWN

* YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND *

* WHERE YOU WANT TO BE

* AND WHERE YOU WANT TO GO WITH YOUR LIFE *

* WITH YOUR LIFE, WITH YOUR LIFE *

[ MUSIC SLOWS, ENDS ]