I believe in the Church of Baseball.
I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones.
I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms and Isadora Duncan.
I know things.
For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball.
When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance.
But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me.
I prefer metaphysics to theology.
You see, there's no guilt in baseball and it's never boring, which makes it like sex.
There's never been a ballplayer who slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career.
Making love is like hitting a baseball, you just gotta relax and concentrate.
Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250 unless he had a lot of RBI's or was a great glove man up the middle.
You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.
I can expand their minds.
Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him.
And the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen.
Of course, a guy will listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay.
I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe and pretty.
Of course, what I give them lasts a lifetime.
What they give me lasts 142 games.
Sometimes it seems like a bad trade, but bad trades are part of baseball.
Who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake?
It's a long season, and you gotta trust it.
I've tried them all, I really have.
And the only church that truly feeds the soul day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Hey, Skip, that Max, hell of a guy.
Ain't he warming up yet?
No. His professional debut tonight, and he forgets about it.
Better find our "bonus baby."
Have you seen Ebby? No.
Game starts in four minutes. Why ain't you warm?
I am warm.
Jesus, Ebby, this is your professional debut tonight.
Million guys give their left nut to be in your shoes.
You're leaving your fastball in the locker room for some piece of ass.
Skip, it is me.
I am not some, quote, "piece of ass," unquote.
Jeez, sorry. Didn't recognize you.
Don't take this personal, Millie, but if I catch you in here again you're banned from the ballpark.
You can't ban me from the ballpark 'cause my daddy donated that scoreboard.
And if you ban me, he just might take that scoreboard away.
What do we need a scoreboard for?
We ain't scored any runs all year.
Now you get your ass out there!
Hey, boss, I got a question.
You think I need a nickname? I think I need a nickname.
We were talking about it. All the great ones have nicknames.
Like "Oil Can," "Catfish." What was the one you were...
What do you think of "Pokey"?
You got three minutes.
Goddamn, son of a bitching, motherfucking shithead!
Time for another quickie.
Jesus, you got a game to pitch.
We got three minutes.
Come on, folks. Let's hear it for Max Patkin, the clown prince of baseball.
You gonna sit there all day?
And now, "The Greatest Show on Dirt," your own Durham Bulls!
I'm there. I'm ready.
And now WRDU radio presents the voice of the Durham Bulls, Teddy Garland.
The Bulls off to a slow start, having dropped their first three games.
But hope to turn it around tonight with the professional debut of heralded young pitcher, Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.
Millie, you gotta stay out of the clubhouse.
You're gonna get everybody in trouble.
I got lured.
You did not get lured. Women do not get lured.
They are too strong and powerful for that. Now say it, "I did not get lured. I accept full responsibility for my actions."
That's better. Okay. Now... You got your radar ready?
Ready. Go to it.
Stepping in for the Peninsula White Sox is leadoff hitter Willie Foster.
Word on LaLoosh is that the good-looking, young pitcher has a major-league fastball, but sometimes has problems with his control.
Oh, my. Damn.
One ball, no strike to Willie Foster.
No problem! No problem!
Go get 'em, one, two, three, babe. Get 'em, big guy.
Ninety-five miles an hour.
That's great. He looks just great.
Stepping in for the Peninsula White Sox, second baseman Allen Powley.
What's it say?
It says he's not bending his back on his follow-through.
Scotty, baby, take this to Ebby Calvin.
All right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?
Well, he fucks like he pitches.
Sort of all over the place.
He walked 1 8.
A new league record.
Struck out 1 8. Another new league record.
In addition, he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the Bull mascot twice.
Also, new league records.
But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.
Yeah, serious shit. Yes. Yeah.
Who are you? Who's he?
I'm "the player to be named later."
Crash Davis? I'm Joe Riggins.
And you, Larry Hockett, should recognize me
'cause five years ago in the Texas League you were pitching for El Paso, I was hitting clean-up for Shreveport.
You hung a curveball on an 0-2 pitch in a 3-2 game in the bottom of the eighth, and I tattooed it over the Michelin tire sign, beat you 4-3.
I remember. I should have thrown a slider.
Damn, Crash, how you doing?
I'm too old for this shit.
Why the hell am I back in A ball?
'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.
Big club's got 1 00 grand in him.
He's got a million-dollar arm with a five-cent head.
Had a gun on him tonight.
Last five pitches he threw were faster than the first five.
He's got the best young arm I've seen in 30 years.
You've been around.
You're smart. You're a professional.
We want you to mature the kid.
We want you to room with him on the road.
Stay on his case all year. He can go all the way.
Yeah? Where can I go?
You can keep going to the ballpark and keep getting paid to do it.
Beats the hell out of working at Sears.
Sears sucks, Crash. I once worked there. Sold Lady Kenmores.
Nasty... Nasty work.
Even if it is the Carolina League this is a chance to play every day.
You don't want a player. You want a stable pony.
Well, my AAA contract gets bought out so I can hold the flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues.
Is that it? Fuck this fucking game!
I fucking quit, all right? I quit.
Who we play tomorrow?
Winston-Salem. Batting practice, 11 :30.
So, how's it feel to get your first professional win?
It feels out there. It's a major rush.
I mean, it doesn't just feel out there, it feels out there.
Kind of radical in a kind of tubular way, you know.
But most of all, it's out there.
This is hopeless. This is utterly, fucking hopeless.
Hey, I'm Millie.
I'm Tony. I play second base. I know.
Max, how do you just keep coming back every year?
'Cause I love the game, Annie. I love it.
Here you go. We didn't order these, honey.
He did. Who?
The guy in the booth.
That's Crash Davis. Hey, Crash, come here.
Come over here.
He's kind of cute.
He's played in more ballparks than I have.
Hell of a guy.
He's really different.
I actually saw him read a book without pictures once.
Hi, Max. How you doing, Crash?
Come over and sit down.
Annie Savoy. Wanna dance?
I don't dance.
What is that?
Who's he dancing with? All of them, I think.
You Annie Savoy? Uh-huh.
Thanks for your note. You're right. I wasn't bending my back.
You got a live arm there. Thanks.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.
You need a nickname, honey.
You know, I've been telling everybody that.
You wanna dance? Yeah.
She's dancing with me.
Afraid not, pal.
You boys gonna fight over little old me?
No. Let's go.
Step outside and party, man.
Don't be such guys. Max, let's dance.
You coming or not, homeboy?
Let's go, man. Come on. We're waiting.
Let's go, homeboy. Come on, Ebby. There he is.
Look, I don't believe in fighting. Let's just...
That's really sweet. "I don't believe..." Fuck you, you pussy.
All right. Take the first shot at me.
No way, man. I don't hit no man first.
All right, then.
Hit me in the chest with that.
I'd kill you.
Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.
Throw it, man.
Throw it, come on. Right in the chest.
No way. Come on, Meat.
You're not gonna hit me
'cause you're starting to think about it already.
Starting to think how embarrassing it would be to miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh.
Come on, rook. Show us that million-dollar arm
'cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.
Nail him, drop him. Hit him, man! Hit him!
Who the fuck are you, man?
I'm Crash Davis. I'm your new catcher and you just got lesson number one, don't think.
It can only hurt the ball club.
Come inside, I'll buy you a drink.
He's my new catcher.
We fight, she gets the clown. How's that happen?
God, I like this song.
Did you boys stop fighting?
I love a little macho male bonding.
I think it's sweet. I do.
Even if it probably is latent homosexuality being rechanneled.
I'm all for rechanneling, so who cares, right?
Okay, shall we go to my place?
Which one of us? Both of you, of course.
These are the ground rules.
I hook up with one guy a season.
Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy.
It's kind of my own spring training.
Well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far.
So, I just thought we should kind of get to know each other.
Time-out. Why do you get to choose?
Why? Why do you get to choose?
Why don't I get to choose? Why doesn't he get to choose?
Actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other.
It's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction and timing.
There are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart.
It's like pheromones.
You get three ants together, they can't do dick.
You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
So is somebody gonna go to bed with somebody or what?
Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown.
You better cool off.
Wait a minute. Where you going?
After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out.
Besides, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
What do you believe in, then?
Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curveball, high fiber, good Scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.
I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.
I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter.
I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?
Crash, wait! All's I want is a date.
I'm not gonna fall in love with you or nothing.
I'm not interested in a woman who's interested in that boy.
I'm not interested yet. Who you calling a boy?
See you at the yard, Meat.
Damn, nobody's ever said no to a date with me before.
I want you bad.
Honey, hold on. Slow down.
I wanna watch.
Go ahead. Put it back on.
Jesus, what kind of chick are you?
When you know how to make love, then you'll know how to pitch.
I know how to pitch.
Now take it off slowly.
Oh, my, what a nice back.
Try taking off your shoes and socks first.
My socks? It's cold in here.
You think Dwight Gooden leaves his socks on?
Have you ever been tied up in bed?
Bring it on, baby!
I heard about shit like this.
You ever heard about Walt Whitman?
Who does he play for?
He sort of pitches for the Cosmic All-Stars.
Never heard of him. Oh, good.
Listen to this.
"I sing the body electric
"The armies of those I love engirth me and I engirth them
"They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them
"And discorrupt them and charge them full with the charge of the soul.
"But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face
"it is in his limbs and joints also."
Excuse me. "It is..."
Are we gonna fuck or what?
"It is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists
"love-flesh swelling and deliciously aching.
"Limitless limpid jets of love, hot and enormous."
Listen up, guys. Can I have your attention a minute?
I'm gonna be leading a daily chapel service here in the locker room at 3:00 in the afternoon. Amen, brother!
Y'all are invited to stop on by and worship before batting practice.
Jimmy, God damn it. Loosen up and get laid.
I know y'all think I'm pretty square, but I believe what I believe.
Jesus, Ebby, you look like a truck ran over you.
Nuke. Call me Nuke.
Annie says it's my new nickname.
Okay, Nuke. Go get 'em.
Annie nailed you? Annie did?
That's great. That means you're gonna have a great year.
Is she as good as they say?
No, man, we didn't fuck.
No, she read poetry to me all night.
It's more tiring than fucking.
"Limpid jets of love."
Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means?
"Limpid jets of love."
Your shower shoes have fungus on them.
You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes.
Think classy, you'll be classy.
If you win 20 in the Show you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press will think you're colorful.
Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob.
Y'all don't forget Saturday is Bull Day down at the Northgate Mall.
Whoa, too bad, Butch. Too bad.
Not getting that cheese by me, Meat.
And now batting for the Bulls, number eight, Crash Davis.
God, stupid fuck, Crash.
What'd you swing at a breaking ball for?
You usually start me off with a hammer.
You're thinking too much, Crash. Get out of your fucking head.
Don't let him in your kitchen.
Come on, Crash. Just relax. You got it, honey.
All right, here we go. Stay back. Relax.
Quick bat. Quick bat.
Throw that shit again, Meat. Throw that weak-ass shit again.
Okay, he's got vision there. Get close, baby, you got it.
One more, baby, one more. You got him.
All right, he's gonna throw the deuce now.
He's gotta waste one.
Stay back and wipe that silly grin off his face.
Come on. Bring it. Bring it.
What was that? What the hell was that?
What goes around, comes around.
Son of a bitch throws hard.
It's okay, Crash. You take it easy, honey.
All right, one and two. You can hit this shit. Relax.
Annie. Who's this Annie?
Jesus, get out of the box, you idiot. Where's your head?
Get the broad out of your head!
Time out! Time out!
Give me a rag.
Get a hit, Crash.
All right, you've seen all his pitches.
You've seen them all.
Shorten up, Crash. Bring me the gas, kid.
Bring me the gas.
Quick bat. Quick bat. Quick bat.
Scotty, baby, take this to Crash.
Folks, we have a little lost girl up here.
Says her name is Lana Ann Baker.
She'll be waiting... It's for Crash.
...at the ticket box for her daddy, Cedar Baker.
Cedar, come on and get your little girl. Crash.
What? From Annie.
"Dear Crash, you have a lovely swing but you're pulling your hips out too early.
"I'd be happy to meet with you tomorrow at the batting cage to discuss it."
If there's one chick who'd know you were pulling your hips out early it'd be Annie.
It's kind of a personal note, kid, so don't read it.
There you go.
What's it say?
It says, "I wanna make love to you. Crash."
See my hips? Yep.
And I think Susan Sontag is brilliant.
Is this gonna happen? Us?
I'm committed to Nuke for the season.
You had your chance the other day.
What is it you see in this guy?
He's a young, wild, dim pretty boy.
Young men are uncomplicated.
And he's not dim. He's just inexperienced.
It's my job to give him life wisdom and help him get on to the major leagues.
That's funny, that's my job, too.
You're pulling your hips.
I know. I know, I know, but they're nice hips.
I looked up your records. You what?
You hit 227 home runs in the minors.
That's not bad. Don't tell anybody.
Why not? You hit 20 more this year you're gonna be the all-time minor-league champ.
The record's 246.
Well, 247 home runs in the minor-leagues would be a kind of dubious honor.
I think it would be great. The Sporting News should know about it.
No. Just no. Please.
Last chance, your place or mine?
Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.
Give me a break. It's true.
Jeez, the fact is you're afraid of meeting a guy like me, 'cause it might be real so you sabotage it with some, what is it, bullshit about commitment to a young boy you can boss around.
That's a great deal. Nice.
I know women like you.
You're a regular patron saint, you know.
Stray cats, lost causes or 6'3" homeless studs.
Oh, Crash, you do make speeches.
Crash, that was fabulous.
You mean Nuke. You said, "Crash."
No, honey, I said, "Nuke."
You said, "Crash." Oh, no.
Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion.
They say the dandiest things.
Yeah, you said, "Crash."
Honey, would you rather I’d be making love to him using your name or making love to you using his name?
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Welcome to the Eastern Seaboard Tobacco Growers City Council Little League Cash Drop Day.
These young fellas, young men, I should say, over here to my left...
Hi, 1 8. Hi, 12.
Hey. I'm Millie.
What is that? Chicken bone cross.
Takes the curse off the bat that brings me hits.
What are you, a goddamn witch?
Yes, a switch-hitting witch.
Will that work for me?
If you believe in voodoo.
Jose, I am zero for 16.
A big fucking donut hole for 16.
I can't remember the last time I had a base hit.
Come on, man. Let me have some of that stuff.
Man, that is not belief. That's desperation.
Jose, come on. Just touch my bat once.
Come on, just once. I won't bother you the rest of the day.
I swear to God. Just touch the bat once.
Ladies and gentlemen, five, four three, two, one.
Let her go!
One thousand big ones!
That batter ain't nothing. Come on, Nuke.
Let's play ball! Let's go!
Stay there. Give me the ball.
Relax, all right?
Don't try to strike everybody out.
Strike-outs are boring. Besides that, they're fascist.
Throw some ground balls.
It's more democratic.
What's this guy know, anyway?
If he's so great, how come he's been in the minors for 1 0 years?
If he's so hot, how come Annie wants me instead of him?
And another thing, Meat, you don't know shit. All right?
You wanna make it to the Show, you'll listen to me.
Annie only wants you 'cause she can boss you around. Got it?
Relax. Let's have some fun out here.
This game's fun, okay?
Fun, God damn it.
And don't hold the ball so hard, okay?
It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun.
Old man, he don't know nothing about fun.
All right. Nobody's gone out there.
Why's he calling for a curveball?
I wanna bring heat.
Shake him off. Throw what you want.
God damn it. Time-out.
Hey, why you shaking me off?
I wanna bring the heater. Announce my presence with authority.
To announce your what? Announce my presence with authority.
"To announce your fucking presence with authority?"
This guy's a first-ball fastball hitter, he's looking for heat.
Oh, yeah? So what. He ain't seen my heat.
All right, Meat. Give him your heat.
Why is he always calling me Meat?
I'm the guy driving a Porsche.
Come on, Nuke. Settle down. Settle down, boy. Take your time.
Home run for Burt Crook of the Fayetteville Generals.
What are you doing? What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift.
You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy!
Give me the ball.
Well, he really hit the shit out of that one, didn't he?
I held it like an egg. And he scrambled the son of a bitch.
Look at that. He hit the fucking bull.
Guy gets a free steak.
You having fun yet? Oh, yeah, I'm having a blast, thanks.
Sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball.
He did know. How?
I told him.
One down now!
Come on, Nuke. You're the man. No batter. Chuck hard, baby.
Don't think, just throw.
God, that was beautiful. What did I do?
Hang on, Millie. Here we go again.
That's the first home run of the year for Crash Davis.
That brings the score up to Fayetteville 14, Durham 2.
Hell of a shot.
Sorry it got wasted.
I don't know what to do with these guys.
I beg. I plead. I try to be a nice guy.
I'm a nice guy. But I don't... Scare 'em.
They're kids. Scare 'em.
That's what I’d do.
Everybody into the shower!
Anybody ain't in this shower in ten seconds gonna get fined $1 00.
Larry. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi... Get in there! Hurry it up!
...seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi, ten Mississippi.
You guys, you lollygag the ball around the infield.
You lollygag your way down to first.
You lollygag in and out of the dugout.
You know what that makes you? Larry.
What's our record, Larry? Eight and 16.
Eight and 16.
How'd we ever win eight? It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.
This is a simple game.
You throw the ball.
You hit the ball.
You catch the ball.
You got it?
Now we have got a 12-day road trip starting tomorrow.
Bus leaves 6:00 in the morning.
Goddamn, son of a bitching, motherfucking shithead. God damn it!
Yeah, Skipper, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, Bobby. Shut the door.
This is the toughest job a manager has.
But the organization has decided to make a change.
They're releasing you from your contract.
Skip, I know I'm in a goddamn slump, but I hit the ball hard today.
Couple flares drop in for me, I'm right back in the groove.
Let's go. Come on.
Let's go. Come on. We got five hours. Hurry up. Five hour drive coming up.
Honey, I want you to wear these when you're pitching on the road.
What are they? They're garters.
They're gonna hug your waist and snuggle and kind of dangle off your thighs and buns in such a wonderful way.
It'll help you see things differently.
Plus, it'll remind you of me, which is a lot nicer than thinking about all those nasty hitters.
Jesus, Annie, I don't know.
You've been pitching out of the wrong side of your brain.
This will help put things on the right side.
Big-league pitchers don't use these.
They did when they were in the Carolina League.
Nuke. Nuke, excuse me. Time to go to work.
Bye, y'all. Bye.
Give me a break.
Go get 'em, boys! Hit them where they ain't.
What? It's not "woolly."
Nobody gets "woolly." Women get "weary."
They don't get "woolly."
Nobody's got "stress," they're wearing a "dress."
God damn, I hate people that get the words wrong.
How come you don't like me?
You don't respect yourself, which is your problem.
But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem.
You got a gift. What do I got?
You got a gift. When you were a baby, the gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt.
You got a Hall of Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.
I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already.
I got a 911 with a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.
You don't need a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.
What you need is a curveball.
In the Show, everybody can hit a fastball.
How would you know?
You've been in the majors?
Yeah, I've been in the majors.
You were? Yeah?
You've been in the Show, man?
Yeah, I was in the Show.
I was in the Show for 21 days once.
Twenty-one greatest days of my life.
You know, you never handle your luggage in the Show.
Somebody else carries your bags.
You hit white balls for batting practice.
Ballparks are like cathedrals.
The hotels all have room service.
The women all have long legs and brains.
They're really hot? Yeah, and so are the pitchers.
They throw ungodly breaking stuff in the Show.
You could be one of those guys.
Nuke could be one of those guys, but you don't give a fuck, Meat.
Listen, I am sick and fucking tired of you calling me Meat.
You wanna step outside?
Yeah, I'll step outside.
Hey, hey, hey! Come on, Crash!
He was kidding. He was kidding.
What's the problem?
Crash, Crash. Nuke, what's happening?
I was just gonna ask Crash to show me how to throw a breaking ball.
Good idea. Did anybody bring a ball?
Double off the wall by Higgins.
Once again, the Durham pitchers are unable to get the first out of the inning.
The Bulls will attempt to end a six-game losing streak against the Greensboro Hornets with Nuke LaLoosh on the hill.
Base hit to center field off LaLoosh.
That closes the book on LaLoosh today.
Five earned runs, five hits, five strikeouts, five walks and five wild pitches.
It's time to tell it like it is, sports fans.
And this is the most wretched road trip I've seen in 20 years.
And possibly the worst Durham team in half a century.
Is the modern-day athlete a pale imitation of the great old warriors?
Only Crash Davis stands out this year.
Begging the question, what are these boys thinking about?
'Cause it sure ain't baseball.
Hey, Mr. Hormone, check out this.
Ice-skaters. God, look at them.
Hey, fellas, that's what we need, man.
One night with some of these skaters, we can get right back on track.
Just need a night off to end our losing streak.
What we need is a rainout.
I can get us a rainout.
Man, there ain't been a cloud in the sky in weeks.
Hundred bucks says I can get us a rainout for tomorrow.
I ain't paying for this. Crash, pay for this.
Shut up. You're gonna wake everybody up.
Let the bonus baby pay for it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Crash, what are you doing?
Oh, my goodness!
We got ourselves a natural disaster.
Wake up. Huh?
You were dreaming.
I was playing damn near naked.
What? I was naked.
I know. I have that dream all the time, too.
We're almost home.
Watch your head.
Here you go. Let me get that black bag.
I'm not your slave. No, that one over there.
God, I'm tired.
What a trip.
I was lousy. I was worse than lousy.
I mean, every time I pitched, it was like throwing gasoline on a fire.
I mean, I...
What is all this "I, I, I" stuff? What about me?
Aren't you glad to see me?
Don't I look nice?
You look great. I'm sorry.
I'm just totally exhausted.
Good. Physical exhaustion can be spiritually fabulous.
What you need is a good game of catch.
Baby, come on. Fire one in here.
This is ridiculous. I'm a professional.
Will you just give it a try and lean in?
Now, I want you to breathe through your eyelids.
My eyelids? Yeah.
Like the lava lizards of the Galápagos Islands.
Some lizards have a parietal eye behind their heads so they can see backwards.
Haven't you ever noticed how Fernando Valenzuela, he just doesn't even look when he pitches?
He's a Mayan Indian.
Or an Aztec. I forget which one. I get them confused.
So do I. Stand up for a second.
I want you to be aware of the chakra connection between your feet and your testicles.
Chakra. Your right leg and left testicle and your left leg and your right testicle.
I like that. I bet you do.
Give me the ball. Come on. I'm tired of hearing this.
Fire one in there. Come on.
You're patronizing me, and I will not be patronized.
If I throw too hard, I'm gonna hurt the girl.
This girl has handled a lot of pitchers whose records are a lot better than one and seven.
One and six. Give me the goddamn ball. Oh, sorry.
How do you like that? That was much better.
Did you see that? Because your delivery was fully integrated because you weren't thinking about it, 'cause you were pissed off at me.
Now, that's progress. Come on up here. Get your butt up here.
Let's bend over, and I'm gonna show you...
I give up. I give up. Let's go inside and make love and fall asleep until it's time to go to the ballpark.
Or we could just take all that sexual energy and kind of hold onto it for a few hours and then rechannel it into your pitching tonight.
You're a powerful young thing, Ebby Calvin.
You want something for that sore shoulder?
Yeah, I want that shit that don't smell bad.
It's on back order. Give him some of that shit.
No, I mean it, that's very hot.
Annie says it'll keep one side of my brain occupied while I'm on the mound, thus keeping my brain slightly off-center which is where it should be for artists and pitchers.
She also said I should throw whatever pitches you call for.
Annie's a very smart lady.
The rose goes in the front, big guy.
Now batting for the Salem Bucks, the center fielder, Joe McCorkle.
This underwear feels kind of sexy.
That don't make me queer, right? Right.
All right! Good way to start, baby.
I ain't queer. No, I ain't.
Ninety-six miles an hour. He looks good but why is he all twisting up like that?
He's using his parietal eye, just like Fernando.
Whoo, that was a humdinger.
Fastball again? Why's he want the heat?
I just threw heat. Don't think, Meat.
Just give them the gas.
Jesus, what's got into Nuke?
He's wearing garters and he's breathing out of his eyelids like a lava lizard.
It's an old Mayan deal.
Aztec. Aztec deal.
Got it! I got it!
Way to go. Hustle in!
Have my mojo working.
You know what a mojo is?
Sure. No, you don't.
I was great, huh?
Your fastball was up. Your curveball's hanging.
In the Show, they would have ripped you.
Can't you even let me enjoy the moment?
The moment's over.
Come on, Crash.
This guy starts me off with a breaking ball I'm taking him downtown.
I dare you to throw me the hammer.
You ain't that stupid.
Stepping up to the plate for Durham, our own Crash Davis.
Come on. Put your hands together for Crash.
Let's hear it!
Come on, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit.
Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.
Two-nothing Bulls in the second.
First time the Bulls have been ahead in weeks, eh, Whitey?
Let's see if the real Nuke LaLoosh will show up.
There you go! Dig in there!
Back! Back! Back!
Crash, you got room!
You got room!
All right, yeah!
What are you doing out here? I'm cruising, man.
I want you to throw the next one at the mascot.
Why? I'm finally throwing it where I want to throw it.
Just throw it at the bull, all right?
He's the boss.
A staggering start by LaLoosh.
He's thrown five outs on nine pitches, all of them strikes.
He's got pinpoint control here tonight, Bull fans.
Here's the pitch.
This guy's crazy.
Yep. I wouldn't dig in there if I was you.
Next one might be at your head.
I don't know where it's gonna go.
I swear to God.
You're the man! You're the man! Easy game!
Top of the ninth. Two outs.
One out away from a stunning two-hit shutout for LaLoosh.
Bring it on, Meat. Don't let up.
You own these guys.
Dad would love a shutout.
No. No, no.
No, no, he's looking for heat.
Let me give him the deuce.
Oh, no, he's shaking off the signs.
This son of a bitch is throwing a two-hit shutout.
He's shaking me off. You believe that shit?
Charlie, here comes the deuce.
And when you speak of me, speak well.
No, no. Serve it up. Yeah.
Give me the ball.
You told him I was gonna throw a deuce, right?
Man, that ball got out of here in a hurry.
Anything that travels that far ought to have a damn stewardess on it.
Don't you think?
When Nuke started listening to Crash, everything fell into place.
He started throwing strikes, and we started to win.
But Nuke was still confused.
He was so encouraged by his victory that he vowed not to have sex until he lost.
Unfortunately, however, he kept on winning and for one extraordinary June and July the Durham Bulls began playing baseball with joy and verve and poetry.
The two sides of my own brain were all jumbled up and cross-wired.
While one side was being neglected the other was in paradise watching our Bulls play like big-leaguers.
We swept a four-game series at Kinston, two games at Winston-Salem and kicked the holy shit out of Greensboro in a three-game set.
And Crash, who kept hitting dingers was approaching the minor-league record, though I told nobody.
After sweeping the July 4 doubleheader the Durham Bulls were tied for first.
Beautiful as the winning streak was, I was getting damn lonely.
Something had to be done.
I needed a man.
I love winning, man.
I fucking love winning.
You hear what I'm saying? It's like better than losing.
Teach me something new. I need to learn.
Teach me something.
You got something to write with?
Good. It's time to work on your interviews.
My interviews? What do I gotta do?
You have to learn your clichés.
You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them.
They're your friends. Write this down.
We gotta play 'em one day at a time.
"Got to play..."
It's pretty boring. Of course it's boring.
That's the point. Write it down.
"One day at a time."
I'm just happy to be here.
Hope I can help the ball club.
I know. Write it down.
I just wanna give it my best shot.
And the good Lord willing, things will work out.
"Good Lord willing
"things will work out." Things will work out.
She's getting pretty steamed, actually, 'cause I'm still rechanneling my sexual energy.
I'm figuring I'm just gonna cave in and sleep with her.
You know, to calm her down.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm just... Talking about one time. Are you out of your mind?
If you give in now, you might start losing.
Never fuck with a winning streak.
Hi, darling. Get in here.
Want a ride?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Can I give you my testimony?
You can do anything you want.
I am so proud of you guys.
You want some more soup, honey? No, thanks. That was great.
How about a little back rub?
No, I'm okay.
I think I'll just take a little nap.
You want me to tuck you in?
Annie, you can't seduce me.
Sweetie, I'm not gonna try to seduce you.
What's that? That's my leg.
I know what it is.
I thought maybe we could work on some fundamentals since we're not gonna make love, and improve your hand-eye coordination.
My hand-eye coordination? Unsnap my stocking.
The other day, Crash called a woman's...pussy...
You know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?
Yes, I do.
He called it the Bermuda Triangle.
He said a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.
What a nasty thing to say. He didn't mean it nasty.
He said that getting lost and disappearing from the face of the earth was sometimes a good thing to do, especially like that.
But he also said that there were times for discipline and self-control.
And I think this is one of those times.
Crash is a very smart man.
Now, honey, let's give it a try.
Here, wait a minute. Watch. Watch.
Now you try. Go ahead.
You're playing with my mind.
I'm trying to play with your body.
I knew it. You're trying to seduce me.
Of course I'm trying to seduce you for God's sake.
I'm doing a damn poor job of it. Aren't I pretty?
God, I think you're real cute.
Cute? Baby ducks are cute. I hate cute!
I wanna be exotic and mysterious.
You are. You're exotic and mysterious and cute.
That's why I better leave.
Nuke, you got it all wrong.
There's no relationship between sex and baseball.
Ask Crash. I did.
And what did he say?
He said, if I give into you, I'll start losing again.
He did? Yeah.
I'll be back when we lose.
How dare you tell Nuke to stay out of my bed.
You are messing with my private life!
Knock-knock, you know? Come in.
Words like, thank you. You're confusing him.
You're bending his mind all out of shape. I'm what?
You're confusing him!
I'm confusing him?
You got him breathing out of the wrong goddamn eyelid.
You got him parading around the locker room like a fruit.
That is a religious ritual and it happens to be working, if you don't mind my saying.
Wait a second. Who dresses you?
What? Who dresses you?
You think this is a little excessive for the Carolina League?
"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." William Blake.
William Blake? William Blake.
William Blake? William Blake!
What do you mean, "William Blake"? I mean, "William Blake."
Who are you? I mean, do you have a job?
I teach part-time at Alamance Junior College, English 1 01 and Beginning Composition.
You know, having a conversation with you is like...
Is like a Martian talking to a fungo.
Oh, cute. That's really cute.
Just because sometimes you manage to be clever and have a nice smile, does not mean you are not full of shit.
What, I'm full of shit? You are full of shit.
Nuke's chastity was your idea. I know! I'm telling you keep your hands out of this. I never told him to stay out of your bed. You most certainly did.
I never told him to stay out of your bed. Yes, you did.
I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.
Fine. You know why?
'Cause they don't happen very often. Right.
If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear then you are, and you should know that.
Come on, Annie. Think of something clever to say.
Something full of magic, religion, bullshit.
Come on. Dazzle me.
I want you.
I said, "I want you." Stop it.
Maybe I am.
But I still think you should leave.
Okay. Well, this is the damnedest season I've ever seen.
I mean, the Durham Bulls can't lose, and I can't get laid.
Come on. Show them what you got, Super Nuke!
Show them there, Super Nuke! Super Nuke!
LaLoosh. L-A-Loosh! Come on, LaLoosh! L-A-Loosh! L-A-Loosh!
Just relax out there. Don't aim the ball.
Nuke's overthrowing tonight. Don't look loose.
Anything bothering him?
He says his chakras are jammed.
He's having trouble breathing out of his left eyelid.
Left eyelid? Right eyelid.
Give me the ball. Fuck!
Up to the plate, Junior Chavley.
I'm a little nervous. My old man's here.
Your dad's here? Where's he at?
He's right behind home plate. Don't look. Don't look.
Look, he's waving. Hey, he's just your old man.
He's as full of shit as anybody.
What's going on?
You breathing through the wrong fucking eyelid again?
Shut up. You guys hear about Jimmy and Millie?
They got engaged. Can you believe that?
Yeah? Wait till I tell him she's gone down on half the Carolina League.
Anybody says anything bad about Millie, I break his neck.
Excuse me, guys. I've got a game to pitch here.
Hey, you guys. Don't throw me anything.
My girlfriend put a curse on my glove.
I'll take the hex off the fucking glove. Give me the glove.
You gotta cut the head off a live rooster.
Guys! Play ball!
What the hell's going on out there?
Looks like a convention. Pretty soon they're gonna call the roll.
Get your ass out there and check it out. You bet.
Let's play some baseball! Hurry up!
Excuse me. What the hell's going on out here?
Well, Nuke's scared
'cause his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here.
We need a live... Was it a live rooster?
We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.
That about right? We're dealing with a lot of shit.
Okay, well, candlesticks always make a nice gift.
Maybe you could find out where she's registered.
Maybe a place setting or a silverware pattern's good.
Okay, let's get to it. Go get 'em.
Come on. Get your ass in gear.
LaLoosh looks in for the sign. Here's the pitch.
Ball hit deep in the right field, off the wall.
You should be at the game, Annie.
No, I'm fine.
Beautiful night for baseball here in Durham.
And as the batter steps in...
How much time did you and Jimmy spend together before he proposed?
About five hours, I guess.
We both just knew.
Once again, he goes to the rosin bag.
Annie, do you think I deserve to wear white?
Honey, we all deserve to wear white.
Ball two, in the dirt.
Come on, Nuke, go get them!
Shit! Piss! Fuck!
Bring it! Bring it! Bring it!
He's coming. Go home! Home!
We got him! We got him!
Safe! No, I got him!
You missed him! I didn't miss him!
Don't bump me! He still hasn't touched the plate!
He still ain't touched the plate!
Fuck it! It's a cocksucking call!
Did you call me a cocksucker? No, l...
I said it was a cocksucking call! You can't throw me for that.
You can't run me for that. You missed the tag!
You just spit on me! I did not spit on you!
You're in the wrong business! You're Sears & Roebuck material!
You're pushing it, buddy! You want me to run you out? I'll run you!
You want me to call you a cocksucker? Go ahead. Try it.
Beg me! Pretty please, beg! Pretty please, beg!
Call me a cocksucker, and you're out of here!
You're a cocksucker.
You're a cocksucker. You're out of here!
What the fuck is that? Holy shit!
He called me a cocksucker! He missed the tag!
I've never seen Crash so angry.
And frankly, sports fans, he used a certain word that's a no-no with umpires.
Crash must have called the guy a cocksucker.
Mmm. God, he's so romantic.
When Crash got thrown out, the game got out of hand.
Jose made three errors with his cursed mitt.
Nuke never quite got in the groove, though he didn't pitch bad and the winning streak came to an end with a 3-2 loss.
The good news was that a man was about to come calling.
Bad news was it was the wrong guy.
I know you're in there. I can hear that crazy Mexican singer.
Oh, Annie, I’d like you to meet my father.
Ebby's told me a lot about you.
Ebby tells me you taught him a lot about discipline and self-control.
We were worried that he might get involved in the wrong crowd.
We're so pleased he met a Christian woman.
Praise the Lord.
Excuse me, Dad.
We got a lot of catching up to do. Your father is right there.
Crash tells me I gotta quit worrying about him so I think it's a good opportunity to go for a quickie.
We gotta talk. We gotta...
Yes, he most certainly is here.
It's Skip for you.
Hey, Skip, it's me.
Yeah. All right.
I'm going to the Show.
They're sending me up to the majors. I leave first thing in the morning.
Can you believe it?
MR. LaLOOSH: Let's have a quick word of prayer.
Oh, let's not.
I gotta find Crash. Come on. I'll dump you off.
Not so fast. He'll be right with you.
Come on, sweetie. I just want to have you alone for a second so we can say goodbye.
I'll be back.
When somebody leaves Durham, they don't come back.
I mean, later.
Oh, God, Annie. Jeez.
What do you have in there? Nothing.
You're not going to be needing these anymore.
I’d better take them. No, you're ready.
You think so? You think I'm ready for this?
Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh,
don't think too much.
You know something, Annie.
You can't breathe through your eyelids.
Of course you can't breathe through your eyelids.
Whoever told you such a ridiculous thing?
Now, get. Come on.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, Crash, guess what.
Guess what, man.
I'm going to the Show.
Big club's expanding its roster to finish out the season.
And I am going to the Show.
So why don't you go then?
Hope you end up on the cover of Sports Illustrated or maybe a cereal box.
What's your problem, man?
I'm trying to thank you. Come on. Let's get out of this dump.
I'll buy you a beer. Hey.
You calling my place a dump? No, he's not. No, he's not.
He's not. Are you? No.
Nuke, do you know who this is?
This is Sandy Grimes.
Sandy Grimes hit .371 in Louisville in 1 967.
I'm sorry. He hit .376. That's a career, man.
In any league. Got that right.
Did you hear what I said? I'm going to the Show.
You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is?
It's 25 hits.
Twenty-five hits in 500 at-bats is 50 points. Okay?
There's six months in a season. That's about 25 weeks.
That means if you get just one extra flare a week. Just one.
A gork. You get a ground ball.
You get a ground ball with eyes.
You get a dying quail.
Just one more dying quail a week and you're in Yankee Stadium.
You still don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
Get the hell out of here.
Send you a postcard.
Send me a postcard? Hey, I made it.
You made it. You made shit.
What the hell's wrong with you?
I'll be all right. I'm talking about my mirror.
Shit, I'm sorry. Hey!
I'm not gonna fight you, man. I'm not gonna fight you.
What do you mean, you're not gonna fight me, you fuck?
Fuck. Why am I a fuck? Why are you a fuck?
Because you got talent.
I got brains, but you got talent.
See this right arm? Worth a million bucks a year.
All my limbs put together aren't worth seven cents a pound.
What are you talking about? You're a great catcher.
I'm a great catcher? Yeah.
Forget it. Hey.
Fucking forget it. Hey, Meat.
I didn't mean to hit you, man.
You hurt my eye!
Did you hit me with your right hand, did you hit me with your left?
My left. Good. That's good.
When you get in a fight with a drunk, you don't hit him with your pitching hand.
God, I can't keep giving you these free lessons.
So quit screwing around and help me up.
You look great, man.
Be careful with the bags.
We got a boy going to the Show.
Sorry about last night.
I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon.
Well, you will.
Look, Nuke, these big-league hitters are going to light you up like a pinball machine for a while, all right?
Don't worry about it.
You be cocky and arrogant, even when you're getting beat.
That's the secret.
You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance.
Fear and ignorance.
No, fear and arrogance, you hayseed, not ignorance.
I know. I know.
I just like seeing you get all worked up.
You too, Meat.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Jimmy, we all pitched in, and we got you a little gift.
Kind of a special wedding cake from the Durham Bulls.
Oh, my Lord!
You wanted to see me?
Crash, shut the door.
I wanna thank everyone!
Give me a piece of that!
This is the toughest job a manager has.
The organization wants to make a change.
Now that Nuke's gone, they wanna bring up some young catcher.
Some kid hitting .300 in Bluefield.
He's probably a bust.
I put in a word for you with the organization.
Told them I thought you might make a fine minor-league manager someday.
There might be an opening at Visalia next year.
You had a hell of a year, Crash.
But... you know how it is.
I got released.
I heard already.
I think probably with my love for four-legged creatures and hooves and everything, that in another lifetime I was probably Catherine the Great or Francis of Assisi.
I'm not sure which one.
What do you think, honey?
How come in former lifetimes everybody is somebody famous?
How come nobody ever says they were "Joe Schmoe"?
Because it doesn't work that way, you fool.
God, you are gorgeous.
You wanna dance?
I guess you do.
Crash took off at dawn.
Said he heard there might be an opening for a catcher in Asheville in the South Atlantic League.
A woman should be so strong and powerful that she's not affected by such things.
I mean, it wasn't the first time I went to bed with a guy and woke up with a note.
At least the son of a bitch left me breakfast.
You have to respect a ballplayer who's just trying to finish the season.
At least, that's what I told myself.
Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job.
Come on, Meat. Throw me that weak-ass shit.
Come on. You ain't getting that cheese by me.
Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.
When Crash hit his 247th home run, I knew the moment it happened.
But I'm sure nobody else did.
And The Sporting News didn't say anything about it.
"Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, "And waste its sweetness on the desert air." Thomas Gray.
Or William Cullen Bryant. I don't know. I get 'em mixed up.
Anyway, my attempts at housekeeping were feeble as usual.
I sometimes get easily distracted.
Funny thing was I stopped worrying about Nuke.
Somehow I knew nothing would stop him.
The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness.
Crash was right, Nuke had a gift.
I'm just happy to be here, and I hope I can help the ball club.
You know, I just wanna give it my best shot.
And the good Lord willing, things will work out.
You know, you gotta play 'em one day at a time, though.
Raye Anne, right? That's a beautiful name.
Is that Greek? Raye Anne. It's a beautiful name.
There's a great song by Motley Crue. Do you know it?
"Raye Anne, she's a stay in." No?
Anyway, a good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game.
"You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball.
"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
"Sometimes it rains."
Think about that for a while.
Hit my dinger and I hung them up.
I'm quitting too.
I mean, boys, not baseball.
There might be an opening for a manager in Visalia next spring.
Think I could make it to the Show as a manager?
You'd be great.
I mean, because you understand about nonlinear thinking.
I mean, baseball seems like a linear game with all those lines and box scores.
But the fact is, it's a spacious non-time kind of time to it.
I got a lot of time to hear your theories.
And I wanna hear every damn one of them,
but now I'm tired and I don't want to think about baseball.
And I don't wanna think about quantum physics.
And I don't wanna think about nothing.
I just wanna be.
I can do that, too.
Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball.
"It's our game. The American game.
"It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us."