But I'm a Cheerleader (1999) Script

# Hang up the chick habit, hang it up, Daddy #

# Or you'll be alone in a quick #

# Hang up the chick habit, hang it up, Daddy #

# Or you'll never get another fix #

# I'm telling you it's not a trick, pay attention, don't be thick #

# Or you're liable to get licked #

# You're gonna see the reason why #

# When they're spitting in your eye they'll be spitting in your eye #

# Hang up the chick habit hang it up, daddy #

# Your girl's not a tonic or a pill #

# Hang up your chick habit hang it up, daddy #

# You're just jonesin' for a spill #

# Oh, how your bubble's gonna burst when you meet another nurse #

# She'll be drivin' in a hearse #

# You're gonna need a heap of glue when they all catch up with you #

# And they cut you up in two. #

Freemont power, Freemont pride. Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive.

Freemont power, Freemont pride.

Be aggressive. Drive, drive, drive.

Freemont power, Freemont pride.

Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive.

Go Freemont! (cheering)

Okay, everybody, tomorrow after classes make sure that you have your uniforms picked up from the dry cleaners, because the bus for the playoffs is gonna leave at 7:30 a.m., The next morning, all right?

(sighing) Oh my God.

But the Doughnut Hole has agreed to donate four dozen doughnuts.

All: Yeah!

Okay, we're gonna kill the Rangers this year, right?

All: Yeah!

I can't believe you're leaving.

It's just a couple of hours before you go.

Yeah. Right. Right.

Aren't you excited? It's playoffs!

Yeah. Whatever.

Come on.

I have to get home for dinner.


Oh, all right.

Father: That's some beef.

Mother: And carrots. Yummy.

Thank you, Mother.


Thank you, poodle. Sure.


Father: Dear Lord, please bless this food that we are about to eat.

We thank you for the abundance that You have provided.

Please help us to follow Your path, the one you intended us all to follow.

And Lord... please help us to obey the roles in life You set for us.

For all that is natural and... healthy... and sacred, in Your name we pray.


Amen. Let's eat.

(car horn honking) Bye, dear.

See ya later, swee... I mean tonight. See you tonight.

Don't forget your library books by the door.

Got them. Bye.

So... are we ready?

They'll all be here at 3:00.

Jesus, I hope we're doing the right thing.

(bell rings)

Shaker Hills, here we come.

Remember, 7:30 doughnuts.

Boy: Did you talk to both her parents?

Girl: She's coming. Kill the Rangers.

I'll meet you outside.

Don't you hate it when they do that?

I think it's fun.

Maybe he just doesn't do it right.

See ya. Bye.

(horn honks) Speed up, jerk!


Why are we going so slow?

Sorry. Zoning, I guess.

Mike, thanks so much for coming all the way back out here again.

That's what we're here for. Thank you, Mike.

Now you've watched the video? Over and over.

Come in.

(horn honks)

Mike: The important thing is to be clear.

And direct.

But to do it lovingly.

We're not accusing, we're supporting.

I think I hear the car.

Uh-oh. Here they come.


What happened? Is somebody dead?

They're your favorite.

Now, why don't you just come on in and sit down, honey?

What's going on?

Hi, Megan.

My name is Mike.

Your parents and your friends want to have a conversation with you, and I'm here to help facilitate that dialogue.

So why don't we start by sitting down, and making ourselves comfortable?

How would that be?

Now, Peter, would you like to start the conversation?

Megan, we love you.

We all love you.

And lately we've become concerned about certain behaviors.

We're afraid you're being influenced by... a way of thinking.


Do you remember the woman on TV?

Honey, we think you're a...

(whispers) Lesbian.


I myself was once a gay.

Now I'm an ex-gay, Megan.

I work for a place called True Directions who help people, like yourself, to learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies, and how to heal them.

What tendencies? Why would you think I'm a...

You've been trying to make us eat this tofu.

In diet, watch for a switch to vegetarianism.

You don't have any pictures of guys in your locker, just these.


And these.

Sexual, even vaginal motifs in artwork and decorating.

Gay iconography.

You don't even like to kiss me.

It's true.

I can't believe this.

Denial is a normal part of the healing process that we'll explore at True Directions.

Healing? Like rehab, honey.

Homosexuals Anonymous.

Poodle, it's only for a few months.

There is no way I'm going.

Mother: Let's go.


Welcome, welcome, welcome.

I'm Mary, I'm the founder of True Directions.

And you must be Megan? Yes.

This is my son, Rock. Mother: Hi.

Pleasure to meet you, Megan.

Looks like we got you just in time.

What are you, about 17?

Yes. Almost lost her to college.

It's so much harder once they've been through all that liberal arts brainwashing.

But we've saved a few.

I'll take her from here.

Well. Come along.

Mother: They seem like nice people.

(car starts)


The others arrived yesterday, so why don't I catch you up?

It's a two-month program based on five simple steps.

Why don't we concentrate on the first step:

You admitting your problem.

When you see a woman, in a tight skirt, and long, beautiful legs, or perhaps she's in the bathroom, putting lipstick over her full lips... or maybe in the locker room, soaping her body... rubbing her breasts... you don't have any unnatural thoughts?

I don't think it's unnatural.

Ah-ha! You see?

You don't even think it's wrong.

Until you admit your sickness, you will wear these.

You will earn the right to wear civvies once you have admitted the first step.

It's a long path to righteousness, Megan.

And it's a battlefield of temptation out there, and you're going to have to fight.

Until then, I'd like you to meet one of our other soldiers.


Megan, this is Hilary.

She will show you around.

And, well, you'll get acquainted.

Okay. Rise and shine at 7:00.

Breakfast at 8:00, Group therapy until lunch.

Now in the afternoon we have free time to do, you know, whatever, and then we move inside for reorientating exercises.

Family therapy on the weekends.

You didn't miss much, really.


This is where we sleep.

But there's no inappropriate behavior allowed.


Like swearing?

No. Inappropriate like fucking.


You get caught in the throes of sodomy, and au revoir.

Never mind Graham, she's a spoiled brat.

I read her chart.

Step one was easy, admitting you're a homosexual.

See, we all passed yesterday.

I'm a homosexual.

See how easy it is?

Megan, meet the rest of our group.

Hi, Megan.

I'm Jan, and I'm a softball player, and I'm a homosexual.

I'm Sinead. I like pain.

I'm a homosexual.

I'm Joel. I'm a Jew.

And a... ho... homosexual.

We met. Graham.

I'm Graham, and I like girls, a lot.

I'm a homosexual.

Andre. Actor. Dancer.


Dolph. Homosexual. Varsity wrestler.

How you doin'?

Hi. I'm Clayton Dunn. I work in retail, and I'm a homosexual.

It's time for your first disclosure.

Now don't be intimidated.

Why don't you start by telling us about the first time that you realized that you might be a lesbian?

I'm not.

Everyone just thinks I am.

I shouldn't even be here.

That's a perfectly normal place to start.

Why don't we discuss the issues in your intervention?

I'm a vegetarian.

All: Mm-hmm.

I have pictures of women around.

You think that's normal? Sure.

I never really thought about it.

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Yes. For two years we've been going steady.

I really love him. He's smart and popular.

He's got the biggest dick I've never seen.

Well, um... have you ever had sex with him?

I'm a Christian.

It's really easy to be a prude when you're not attracted to him, isn't it?

He's very handsome.

But does he make you hot?

Do you think of him at night when you...

I'm not perverted.

I get good grades. I go to church.

I'm a cheerleader.

I'm not like all of you.

Everyone reads "Cosmo." Everyone looks at other girls.

All the time.

You only assume that they're thinking what you're thinking when they look.

But they're not.

Freemont power. Freemont pride.

Be aggressive. Drive, drive, drive.

Go Freemont!

I thought everybody had those thoughts.

I just want to be normal.

Then you admit you're not normal.

So why don't you admit you are a homosexual?

(voices echoing)

Both: You hug us way too much.

Hilary: Step one was easy.

You don't even like to kiss me.

You put your hand up my skirt.

Homosexual I think it's foul.

Homosexual. Homosexual.

Homosexual. Homosexual.

I'm a homosexual.

I'm a homosexual. I'm a homosexual.

Congratulations, Megan.

You have just taken your first step in your true direction!


I'm a homosexual.


Go on now.

Don't worry, Megan. It's gonna be okay.


Here. Put these on.

Oh my God.

They were right.

I'm a homo.

Oh my God.

Congratulations on your first step, pom-pom.

Don't listen to her.

She's just upset 'cause the fish on her plate is the only kind she can eat.

I can't wait to be straight. I've always wanted to be.

It's cool to finally talk about it.

I can't tell any of my friends on the team.

Maybe you have the wrong friends.

I think we should all be supporting each other.

Really, princess. Do you want to start the kumbayas?

Hi Mom.

The flowers are pretty.

I know.

I noticed that we sprung another leak in the ceiling.

I'd like for you to get to it tonight.

I'll get to it, Mom. Jesus.

Ow! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Look. Not in my presence.

I have told you over and over again.

No more sipping. Chug it, like a man.

Go on. Chug.


Try and get to that tonight.


(electronic buzzing, soft moaning)


Sorry, it's just me. What are you doing?

AV, what's it to ya?

AV? What's that?

Aversion therapy, stupid.

So what does that mean?

When you have inappropriate fantasies about girls, you shock yourself with this shocker. (buzzes)

So every time you think of them, you feel that pain.

That's sick.

No pain, no gain, baby. You want to like dick?

You better start training yourself.

Hey, isn't that Graham's sock?

None of your damn business.

(buzzing continues)


You have a phone call.


Mother: Megan, it's Mom and Dad.

We know it's after lights out, but we miss you so much.

Father: We just wanted to know how our little poodle is doing.

I'm doing okay.

You were right, I am a homosexual.

But I'll be regular soon.

Father: Oh, that Mary is pretty good then, huh?

Mm-hmm, and Mike and all others.

I'm already starting step two.

Father: We're so glad, and after all that money.

Mother: We can't wait to see you up there at graduation, to have you home, so we can all be together again.

Father: Just remember we love you.

We would do anything for our Megan to have a normal life, and if you need anything... Mother: We'd better go.

Now you hang in there.

Stay strong! Sweet dreams.

You too, Daddy. See you at family therapy.

I love you.

And forward.

Backwards and forwards, and backwards. In a very clean line... you go in, and you go out, And you go up and you go down.

Girls, is everybody paying attention here?

And you go in and out, and in and out, and in and out...

Get into every little crevice.

And in and out.

And you slip in... and out... add a little more oil, and shove it in, and take it out.

Put some muscle into it.

Shove it in and out.

And shove it in, and take it out.

Okay, who wants to go down with me?

# Climb before you hide #

# Then fool your pride #

# 'Cause we'll be waiting for ya #

# I go back to zero Henry #

# I see what you think you saw #

# When you passed me in the hall #

# I was... #

# There you go you're getting over #

# Tap an old friend on the shoulder #

# Penny fines for leaving empties #

# Lose your mind, you're just like Henry #

# Let's go back to zero... #

You're turning into a pretty young lady.

Now hold still.

(whistle blows) Come on!

All: Die! Die! Die!

Okay then, who's left to report out their root?


Shit, Miss Mary, I ain't the only one who don't got no root.

Andre, we don't use profanity, or double negatives here at True Directions.

Okay, who's next?

Megan. Well, I've really been thinking, but, I just can't think of anything.

I think our little prom queen is too afraid to disclose.

Oh really? What's your root, Graham?

We're working on your issue, not mine.

You're deflecting.

Actually, I think it might be a great idea for Megan to be reminded of your root, Graham.

My mother got married in pants.

All right, let's see, Dolph?

Too many locker room showers with the varsity team.


All girl boarding school.


I was born in France.


My mom let me play in her pumps.

I like balls.

Why thank you for that, Jan.


Traumatic breasts.

So, yeah.

Now, Megan.

Do you see how easy it could be?

You just have to dig down into those painful memories, and you'll find it.

Now, Hilary. Will you please come up here?

Today we are going to learn one of the most wonderful things about being a heterosexual... friendship.

So what I'd like you all to do, is to start partnering off.

Find yourself a friend for the remainder of the program.

All right, everybody settle.

Now that we have all found someone, what I'd like you to do is practice sometime tonight with these.

It's a woman. And what else?

I don't know.

A mother.

Women have roles. After you learn that, you'll stop objectifying them.

Haven't you been listening to anything Mary said?

Well have you?

Have I what? Stopped objectifying them.

I'm still looking for my root.

Must be tough when you're such a priss.

Your turn.

(buzzing) Ow!

You really have to be more prepared for temptation, Megan.


Give it to me.

I'm open.

Mike: Boys!

Don't you see how sad and pathetic you all are, always wanting something you can't have?

If I catch you looking at another man like that ever again, you'll be watching sports the whole weekend.

Mary: First thing we do, is we pull these tabs out.

Then you fold it over.

Right now I've used food coloring.

This way you could see it better.

And if it's a boy, well it tinkles out. That's the wrong tab, okay?

Will you please hold it still while I'm doing this?

You're doing it all wrong.

No, I'm not. If you would just give it to me to do, it would be fine.

Mary: Girls... intervene.

Let's try that one more time.

...and I realized that when we finished swimming lessons we would change in front of each other.

And that's it... why I'm a homo.

Andre, that's what kids do after swimming lessons.

Change, everybody does that.

But I took one look at those boys, and I got a... you know what.


I can relate to that.

When I used to study with Jacob, we used to touch each others legs, and rub up against each other.

Blowing each other after your fuckin' bar mitzvah's a little bit different than learning to dog paddle.

That is totally uncalled for.

Well excuse me, but we're paying a lot of money here to get these kids fixed, not sit around, and listen to stories all day.

Graham, I hope you're getting a little more out of this program than that faggot over there.

Mr. Eaton, I don't find that appropriate.

No, he's right, it was a stupid ass root.

I'm never gonna know why I'm a faggot.

I've heard enough of this crap.

And when you get back from Switzerland, you'd better have this gay thing out of your system. Got it?

I got it.

You fuck up, no college, no car, no trust fund.

I'm not sitting in any room with faggots.

Mary: Megan... it's your turn to report out your root.

I think it might be my parents.

Okay, go with that.

You know we've kinda been like this greeting card family.

And then there was that one year where... well Dad was unemployed and Mom had to support us.

Wait a minute, that was only for nine months.

And then I was offered a much better job at the plant.

Maybe seeing Mom kind of being the Dad, maybe l... maybe I got the wrong idea about the roles of men and women.


I can't believe that you didn't mention this earlier.

Your father was emasculated, your mother was domineering.

Well not exactly.

You wanted to emulate your mother.

You have no respect for men, because you don't respect your father.

It's really not like that. Megan, you have found your root.

In order to start healing this festering wound, I want you to write a song.

It's very therapeutic, and it's good to put your feelings down.

(blows whistle)

Free time is up in 20.

That means inside.

What is it?

Nothing. Trash.

What am I, contagious?

What is that?

I'm stuck on five, six, seven, eight.

God is good. God is straight.

Hey that's good.

It's not supposed to be intellectual.

Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good.

Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels, orgasms make people feel good.

Your parents didn't stay very long.

I imagine it gets uncomfortable sitting that long with a stick up your ass.

I'm sure they're just trying to do what's best for you.

I thought it was just an act, but you really are as sweet as fucking pie, aren't you?

This is bullshit, Megan. It doesn't work.

You are who you are. The only trick is not getting caught.

How'd you end up here?

I got caught.

Doing what?

I had this friend, and we just spent a little too much time together.

What were you doing?

What do you think?

My step-mom caught us in my room one day and sent me here.

Were you in love with her?

Does it matter?

Careful. I could report you for that.

# Open the door #

# Walk in behind her #

# Draw back your bow #

# Let it remind her #

# No one's around #

# No need to fake it #

# She's not in love #

# How can she take it? #

# Give her the time #

# She'll know you mean it #

# Make up her mind #

# Throw in her feelings #

# Open the door #

# Have her jump through it #

# She fell in love #

# How could she do it? #

# Do you know? Do you... # (buzzing)


(whispering) Resist temptations...

(heavy breathing)


Oh my God. Please don't tell.

Oh my God, help.

Shut the fuck up! You stupid little bitch.

(electric buzz) Ahhh!


What's going on in here?

A little premature simulation? They were kissing.

She's full of shit. Mike, we were just uh...

Mike... Don't call my mom.

Dolph, I am really disappointed in you.

I thought you had what it took to get out of here clean.

It's time to wake Mary.

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Mary: Whoever started this is out of this house, and the other is really in the dog house.

Clayton: Not me. Dolph: I can't go home.

Mary: I am not interested in anybody's sob stories.

I can only help those who are willing to help themselves.

Now... who started this?

Someone has got to start talking!

All right, Clayton, you little pervert...

What? ...you've got one week of solitary, and if I catch you again you're out.


Come on, Mary.

I wish I could've seen those two boys in action, before Miss Thing over there, went Nancy Drew on us.

If that little twink woulda narked on me, heads would have rolled.

Would you tie her to your bed and zap her to death?

Or are you running low on batteries?

Mary: And here are our love-birds, taking a relaxing evening stroll together.

Notice how affectionate they are.

This could be you.

And here is our happy couple at home.

Now it's important to make your man feel at ease when he comes home from a long day at work.

Now, when it's time for lovemaking, Dan kisses Sue and touches her breasts.

Women often find this sensation pleasurable.

# There's a dream in the back of my mind #

# Across the tracks is where I'll find my dream... #

# Trailer, trailer, pretty trailer #

# Trailer, trailer, pretty trailer #

# Talk penny, sing a dime #

# My Coleman stove is broke down all of the time #

# Neighbor, neighbor, call the neighbor #

# We'll have dinner in the trailer... #

So do you miss your friends from home?

I just can't decide who I miss more, the grunting apes in the letterman jackets or the bulimic cheerl...

Go ahead, say it.

I didn't... I didn't mean that.

I don't have any friends.

What about you?

Well, I thought I did.

Do they know you're here? Oh yeah.

It's rough.

What's going on? It's almost lights out.

We're sneaking out. Get dressed.

But Mary...

Fuck Mary.

No way. There's only four weeks left.

There's no way I'm getting thrown out now.

Megan, they're never gonna find about this.

We haven't had fun in forever.

Come on. We could use a little fun.

What if we get caught? Were not gonna get caught.

If you're not coming with us, at least don't rat on us.

Let's go.

Come on. Hurry up.

Go, go, go.

Oh we have a nice big group tonight.

Get in.

Okay, fasten your seatbelts. Wait.

Oh. We have one more.

Well it's about fucking time. I can't believe I'm doing this.

Hi. I'm Lloyd Morgan-Gordon.

This is Larry Morgan-Gordon. Glad to have you with us.

You'll need one of these.

It may not be an exact match, but...

First time you've all been AWOL?

Larry and Lloyd are ex, ex-gays.

From True Directions?

We were among Mary's ranks before we defected.

We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective, to see that there are options.

In the end it's up to you whether choose to live a... lie.

Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden, is really more what we're about.

So you run like, the underground homo railroad?

(dance music playing)

Come on, girls.

You didn't tell me you were taking me to a gay bar.

Where else would we go?

I'm gonna get you a drink. I don't drink.

I refuse to accept a false solution to my problem.

I resist temptation and seek to solve my problem.

I refuse to accept a false... What are you doing?

My interventions. You know you don't have to do that.

Just be yourself.

# Baby #

# You're making me want you... #

Hi. Would you like to dance?

Sure she does. No, sorry. I can't.

That's okay. Just thought I'd ask.

No problem.

Too good for one dance?

You can't dance with a girl for a second? Go ahead.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry. I don't dance much.

That's okay.

# Making me care, do doo doo #

# Do doo, doo, doo... #

# Baby... #

# You're making me want you #

# Want you #

# And baby... #

# You're making me love you #

# Love you # # We're in the city, city #

# You're making me love you #

# We're in the city, city #

# Makin' me love you... #

Megan, it's not what you think.

That's why we came here, right? So you could be yourself.

I don't like Sinead that way. Which way is that, clothed?

We weren't doing anything.

When you were going like this, you weren't doing anything?

No I wasn't... I wasn't doing that.

It doesn't matter.

Why are you freaking out? It's none of my business.

Do what you want.

You want me to do what I want?

I could care less. What I really want?

Screw you.

I'm not supposed to like you.


I wanna do that again.

(cheering, music plays)

What are you looking at?

Ah! Mary's coming!

Good night. Good night.

# Here I go falling down down, down #

# My mind is a blank #

# My head is spinning around and around #

# As I go deep into the funnel of love #

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling #

# I get weak in the knees... #

Come on, throw out the first thing that comes to your head.

Okay, just think.

I already did.

Mine is just as good as anybody else's.

I'm a heterosexual.

Not yet, honey. You're almost there.

And don't speak out of turn.

No, I know, I've never been gay.

Jan remember, you were molested.

Just take a look at yourself.

Everybody thinks I'm this big dyke because I wear baggy pants, and play softball, and I'm not as pretty as other girls, but that doesn't make me gay.

I like guys.

I can't help it.

I want a big fat wiener up my...

Amen, sister.


I quit.

Who in the hell is she trying to fool?

Hey, Jan.



I have found something very disturbing this morning.

I would like to know who has been sneaking out, with those smut peddling recruiters?

I want names.

I want to know who is involved.

Fine then. Graham?

What do you have to say for yourself?

Why are you looking at me?

Because I found these under your bed.

Do you have anything you'd like to confess?

I didn't sneak out.

But you know who did.

No, I don't, but um...

I did realize something about myself last night, that I was too scared to admit until now.

Out with it.

Come on, out with it.

I have a crush.

On Joel.

It was the first time I really felt something for a guy.

And it just... it really proved to me the treatment's working.

Oh, Graham.

Now, let this show you what determination has yielded.


Now I want you all to look at Graham's strength, and how she worked her way through this five-step program.

And by the way, I am very disappointed in the rest of you.

And I have scheduled a meeting with each of your parents.

If you can't listen to me, then perhaps you'll listen to them.

Joel: No, I didn't go to the Cocksucker.

I've never been to the Cocksucker. I won't.

My cocksucking days are over.

I am normal.

Mom, Dad, you have to believe me, I swear I didn't go anywhere.

You're not gonna tell your parents are you?


Now, honey, your mom and I both know that you didn't have anything to do with that... that... Field trip to the Cocksucker.

Field trip to the Co... but... if you had gone...

You have to know that you would be on your own.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well you can't come home.

We can't allow you to live an unhealthy lifestyle under our roof.

So, Megan, if that is what you choose, you're choosing to cut us out of your life.

Well, great. Great.

Now, what did you want to tell us?

Just that you don't have anything worry about.

I've been missing Jared a lot, and can't wait to see him again.

Oh, Megan. That's wonderful.

You just keep up the good work, and we'll be back to see you graduate.

Dad: You'll be home before you know it.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

You be a good girl. Goodbye, dear.


(answering machine) This is Larry and Lloyd Morgan-Gordon.

Leave us a message. (beep)

I know you're there. Now pick it up.

Listen to me, you little inverts.

Okay, you want to play rough with my kids, then I can play rough with you.

Time's up. Yes, thank you.

We've got a little situation to deal with.

(Chanting) Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Mary: You have other options.

Don't you want to be normal?

Hey, I know you. I saw you last night.

Hey! Your daddy know you're a faggot?

Good shot, Graham.

What are you doing?

What if he saw us kissing? What do you want me to do?

We're not queer! We're not going anywhere!

We are here! We're not queer! We're not going anywhere!

That's it. If you don't retreat, we're coming out.


Is this what you teach now, Mary? Throw stones from glass houses?

You're gonna have a lot of broken glass around you.

It's part of the process, Lloyd.

It's not easy for them.

Excuse me Oh, thanks.

You are so good at being straight.

Wow. You have really big muscles.

I keep forgetting about all these little things.

Get her cake. Get her the cake.

Can I rub them?

Got a little cake right there.

That's good.

Oh. Yeah.


You're really manly.

Thanks. I like that.

Manly is good. I feel like the aggressor.

That's nice.


You will all be graded in each category, and those of you who pass, will move on to step five, simulated sexual lifestyle.

And those of you who fail, will be sent home.

Boys with Mike. Girls with me.

# Her melody #

# Wants her desperately #

# Cry lonely tears #

# 'Cause she's so far from here #

# She's a ray of sunshine #

# My only ray of sunshine #

# Her yellow hair #

# Her fiery stare #

# But nothing's right #

# 'Cause she's not here tonight #

# She's a ray of sunshine #

# My only ray of sunshine #

# I know that I'm going nowhere #

# I wish that she'd come back to me #

# She's all I need #

# She's all I need #

# All I need to end my misery... #

Mike: Essay topic: My root, and how it prevented me from heterosexual loving.

# She's a ray of sunshine #

# My only ray of sunshine. #

Now, in order to successfully navigate the treacherous sea of temptation, one must first enter a life out of homosexuality.

I've never seen such a determined group.

And I am passing all... but one of you.

Andre. Hmm?

You may pack your bags.

Now there's cake in the kitchen.

You'll wanna rest up for the simulation.

Michael, congratulations.

I just wasn't meant to be butch.

I'm a sissy.


You should be proud of who you are.


I mean you're more than just a sissy.

You're nice and clean, and smart and sexy, and firm and luscious, and...

Excuse me.

The last thing I need right now is some fruit who just proved he's straight telling my ass how sexy I am.

Congratulations, liars!

You know who you are, and you know who you want.

Ain't nobody gonna change that.


# Breathe into my hands #

# Or cup them like a glass to drink from #

# Are you still, still breathing? #

# Are you still breathing? #

# Are you still, still breathing? #

# Are you still breathing #

# Breathe into my hands #

# Or cup them like a glass to drink from... #


I've never felt that way before.


Except for what?

Don't laugh, okay? I won't.

Except for when I was cheerleading.

Really? I'm serious.

It sounds stupid to you, but I really love it.

Cheerleading's the one thing that's kept me happy.

It's exhilarating.

I would love to see you cheer.

Don't make fun of me. No, I'm not.

Did you ever think maybe I'm just jealous that you love something?

# Breathe into my hands #

# Or cup them like a glass to drink from. #

Get out of bed!

You hormonal hussy.

I can't believe you did this.

You were suppose to be the role model.

Now get up right now!

What did I do?

Hilary: A little sleep-over with Graham.


Get dressed right now!

Mary: You of course understand what your little adventure has cost you.

You will be removed from the program, and the premises at once.

I understand.

And of course your parents have made it very clear that you are just not welcome home any more.

So you will be left to your own devices.

I mean there may be one thing that you can do, where we can workout some kind of a deal.

I'll let you stay, and graduate with the rest your class, but you must do me one favor in return.

Partner in simulation with Rock.


I don't think that'll work.

(dance music playing)

Oh, for Pete's sake!

(singing) # Wham bam, thank you, ma'am. #

Rock, turn it off.

We've lost Megan.

She just wasn't strong enough.

But you still have a chance to save yourself.

It's your choice.

You can run off with Megan and turn into a raging bull-dyke or you can do the simulation and graduate, and lead a normal life.

There is no choice.

You came here to graduate, and that is exactly what you are going to do.

You understand me, young lady?

This is exactly why your mother left.

Are you ready to lose your father?

Then it's settled.

Graham will partner with Rock in simulation.

Megan, you're out.


(softly) I'm sorry.

Man: What do you want?

I need to talk to Lloyd and Larry.

But you're from True Directions.

Yeah. (window shuts)

Hey, not anymore.

All right, kid, get in here.

Come on, move your tush.

I can't go back.

I thought you could teach me how to be a lesbian, what they wear, where they live.

You know.

Megan, we can't help you with that.

There's not just one way to be a lesbian.

You just have to continue to be who you are.

Dolph? Megan.

Thank you so much for saving me from that place.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Or at least until I find a way to make it on my own.

It's way better than TD.

We all get our own rooms and curfew is midnight.

But we have to share bathrooms.

Not at the same time, of course.

Of course.

Come on, it's going to be okay.

No it won't.

She was supposed to leave with me and she didn't.

Whoa, slow down, who?


I knew it.

She was into you from the start.

Then why didn't she come with me?

Maybe she was scared.

Like I'm not?

Believe me, you're better off here.

Mary: Graham?

Pay attention.

Action, Rock.

Now lean in and kiss her.

Nice, Rock.

Now, feel how soft and vulnerable she is.

Isn't it wonderful?

Now, Graham, let him take the lead.

A little tongue...

He loves you. He wants to be with you.

The way God intended.

To be inside you.

His love muscle thrusting.

(both scoff)


Megan, we thought that Dolph should take you out this week, to celebrate your new freedom.

How would that be? Sure.

So, Megan... what do you want to do now?

Larry, Megan just made a very traumatic decision and she's moving through that process. I thought that... we could check out some schools in the city, and I could... She's not ready...


I'm just asking a simple question.

I'm not interrogating her. You are moving into that aggressive space again. Can't I even ask a question around here?

Now I feel you moving into your victim stance.

I was not attacking, I was verbalizing.

I just feel like you don't value my opinion anymore.

Seems like nothing I do pleases you.

I feel inadequate.

I love my Larry bear.

Lloyd's sorry. Larry bear's sorry, too.

Okay then. Dinner's ready.

Very good. Okay, who's next?

Okay, now remember that sex is fun.

We're making love.

There's nothing dirty about it.

Sex is beautiful when it's between a man and a woman.


Okay, now from this position, the woman will spread her legs, opening like a flower.

That's wonderful Graham.

Now at this point, the man will insert himself into the woman.

Yes, that's...

Yes. Rock that's it.

Mrs. Brown?

What is it, Joel?

What about foreplay? Foreplay is for sissies.

Real men go in, unload and pull out.


We could dance if you want to.

You go ahead.

I think I need to go get some air.

I miss her.

She's scared that maybe she's making the wrong choice.

But it's her wrong choice to make.

You have to be willing to walk away.

What about you and Clayton?

If he can't make a stand, he just can't make a stand.

Well, what about you?

What are you willing to do?

I'm so proud of you.

Doesn't it feel great to be straight?

To be out of homosexuality?

It's not always gonna be easy, but at least we know what to do now.

Okay, girls, ready to go?

Give me the keys.

I hope she's worth it. Is Clayton?

I'm doing this for you, not for Clayton.

Yeah, right.

There he is.

Let's go.

Mary: Welcome to the graduating class of True Directions.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present our happy heterosexuals.


Jesus. Miss me?

Why are you here?

I came to get you.

I can't go anywhere, Megan.

That was fast.

Where's Graham?

I've got to try again.

We have all gathered on this special day, to celebrate the wonderful true directions.

And praise be to our Higher Power.

Will our graduates please stand again?

Sinead Lauren.

Joel Goldberg.

Hilary Vandermueller.

Graham Eaton.

And now, I think that in closing... we should...


One, two, three, four, I won't take "no" anymore.

Five, six, seven, eight, I want you to be my mate.

One, two, three, four, You're the one that I adore.

Five, six, seven, eight, Don't run from me 'cause this is fate.

# Breathe into my hands #

# Or cup them like a glass to drink from. #

I love you.

Megan... you stop it, this instant.

'Cause you will wallow in the smut of your homosexual depravity for the rest of your life.

Go, come on, let's go.

(engine starts) Megan!


# Are you still, still breathing? #

# Are you still, still breathing? #

# Are you still, still breathing? #

# Breathe into my hands #

# Or cup them like a glass to drink from #

# Breathe into my hands #

# Or cup them like a glass to drink from. #


My name is Peter, and... my daughter is a homosexual.

All: Hello, Peter.

# What do they know when they say I'm too young? #

# As I get older and until my life is done #

# I'll be the one who had love that was true #

# They all had nothing and I had you #

# We'll be together forever in love #

# Together forever in love #

# Together forever in love #

# I'll be your reason for starting your day #

# You'll be my true love in every way #

# I'll always need you I promise that now #

# Through good and bad as long as this life will allow #

# We'll be together forever in love #

# Together forever in love #

# Together forever in love #

# My life is for living #

# I'll spend mine giving you all that I can #

# My heart and my hand #

# My life with you will shine brighter than gold #

# Memories of heaven for when I get old #

# Never again will I wanna run away #

# I didn't think that I could ever feel this way #

# We'll be together forever in love #

# Together forever in love #

# Together forever in love #

# Together forever in love. #

# Open the door #

# Walk in behind her #

# Draw back your bow #

# Let it remind her #

# No one's around #

# No need to fake it #

# She's not in love #

# How can she take it? #

# Give her the time #

# She'll know you mean it #

# Make up her mind #

# Throw in her feelings #

# Open the door #

# Have her jump through it #

# She fell in love #

# How could she do it? #

# Do you know, do you know #

# What you're missing, what you're missing #

# Will show, if you should try to kiss her? #

# Do you know, do you know #

# What you're missing, what you're missing #

# Will show, if you should try to kiss her? #

# You should try to kiss her #

# Crazy galore #

# You wouldn't do it #

# Seen it before #

# Looks like you blew it #

# Do you know, do you know #

# What you're missing, what you're missing #

# Will show, if you should try to kiss her? #

# Do you know, do you know #

# What you're missing, what you're missing #

# Will show, if you should try to kiss her? #

# You should try to kiss her #

# Do you know, do you know #

# What you're missing, what you're missing #

# Will show, if you should try to kiss her? #

# Do you know, do you know #

# What you're missing, what you're missing #

# Will show, if you should try to kiss her? #

# You should try to kiss her #

# Just put up your fister #

# You should try to kiss her goodbye. #

# Swish with me #

# And I'll swish with you #

# That's right, get down #

# Everybody swish to the left #

# That's right, get down... #