California No (2018) Script

And that was the last time you two had sex?

-Pretty much. -Yes.


Sorry, it's not something I find terribly comfortable talking about, given my upbringing.

Oh, no, it's OK, it's OK, take your time.

Perhaps I have been compartmentalizing things a bit since we got married, including Elliott.

-Or is that over-rationalizing? -No, no, no, that's good.

I don't know why it's happened.

I still think he's attractive, but I just don't feel attractive around him, if that makes any sense.

Has this lapse in your, um, intimacy levels coincided with any decrease in libido?

Oh, no, I still have a very healthy sex drive.

Let's just say I do all right.

What would you describe as "all right?"

Uh, well, I haven't gotten any complaints from the others.

-Oh, others. -Other men.

Oh, so you're not monogamous?

Oh, no, it's OK, Elliott and I have an open marriage.

We have an open what now?

Elliott, I've explained the procedure.

We let Allison speak, and then it's your turn.

Then it's your turn.

Ah, ah. Elliott?

Thank you.


Elliott seems a bit surprised by this new information.

How does his reaction make you feel?

I swear we discussed this, truly.

You know, I think that I would have remembered had we discussed it.

How open are we talking about here?

-Like, are you out there, like-- -Yeah, I don't think we should talk about this away from Dr. Rios.

Oh, that guy's a doctor like I'm a fucking Laker girl.

We're supposed to avoid judgmental language.

♪ Ever since you left me

♪ Things aren't so good

♪ I find myself walking

♪ Round our old neighborhood

♪ Stopping at places

♪ Where we used to kiss

♪ Sometimes I feel like I may die ♪

♪ Die

♪ Die

♪ I try to sleep but I stay up all night ♪

♪ And sometimes I feel like I'm in-- ♪ First movie is a thriller.

"When Young Tara's soccer coach is brutally murdered, it's up to newswoman-turned-soccer-mom, Maddy Monroe, to solve the murder and prove her husband's innocence.

Starring Danica McKeller, Drew Waters and Susana Gibb."

-OK. -What is the title of this masterpiece?

So, it's a newswoman-turned-soccer-mom?

Someone's murdered, and then the soccer coach is murdered, and then she becomes a soccer-mom?

No, she gave up--

-Everyone, OK? -Everybody got it?

-Here we go. -Right!

Yeah, I like the shimmy. -That's a British thing.

It is.

So, is the title Passion on the Field?

Oh, no, that sounds really good.

Black Victims, White Justice: The Maddie Monroe Story?

Oh, that seems way very much like that--

That's almost too topical.

Inspector Mom?

Inspector Mom?

Nowhere near it.

"How many of these guys have you fucked?"

That's a weird title.

That doesn't sound like that.

-That doesn't make any sense. -That's not--

I feel like, you know, Lifetime show, Wednesday at 8PM.

I feel like they have a line that they don't cross.

Anyway, so, Inspector Mom, you're right! -Didn't like Inspector Mom.

-That's the title? -That's the title!

If you didn't want a game night, you could have said.

It's fine, I had fun.

I think I need some privacy tonight, if you don't mind.

Oh, my God, really?

Sleep OK?

Hey, have you been hearing these birds around the house, sound like old car alarms?

And what do old car alarms sound like?

You know, like car alarms.

I think this might be one of those American-British things we won't be able to reconcile.

Well, so we should talk about this.

-Should we? -I'm so sorry, pudding.

It's just, it's really hard to explain.

Well, you didn't seem to have any trouble explaining it to that dip-shit therapist.

I think maybe we should go back to Dr. Rios.

I think it would help.

We are not going back to Dr. Rios.

Somebody else then, another therapist?

We are grown, rational, intelligent people.

We can figure this out on our own.

OK, great!

Is there anything specific you'd like to ask?

No, there is not any, no, not really.

You know, I'm still, like, in a state of shock or whatever, and... just let it sink in.

OK, well, let me know when's good for you.

Oh, Allison.

Do you really not hear that?

♪ You say you're happy

♪ We met on that Sunday

♪ But I've got nothing to give you ♪

♪ I've got nothing to give

So, what did you think of the movie?

It was, uh, very visual.

-Mm-hm. -And intense.

-Right? So intense. -Yeah, so intense.

OK, so you have ten minutes, and I'll come in and signal you for last question.

OK, thanks.

Oh, and, uh, could you just stick to the movie?

She doesn't wanna talk about anything personal.

Yeah, sure. Sure, thanks.

I like the tie, it's cute.


-OK, all right. -OK.

-Have fun. -Thank you.

-You ready? -Mm-hm!


Um, so, what drew you to the project initially?

You know, I'd always been a big fan of the director.

It's been... God, I loved his first movie.

Even though that was an indie and obviously this is a little bit bigger than that, um, and it was just a great opportunity for me to really explore a side of myself that I hadn't really gotten a chance to do, you know?

I usually get cast in these sort of lighter roles and this was sort of-- I got to show my darker side.

Did you find that to be a challenge?

Um, you know, all acting is really a challenge.

You've got ten minutes, I'll signal you for last question.


Let me just get this going here.

Why don't you tell me what initially drew you to the project?

You know, I just, I fell in love with the script.

For me, it was everything about the script.

I thought that the script was so special.

-Truly, it was a good script. -It's a family.

I mean, I know everybody says that, but we were really a family.

I mean, we just became such a beautiful--

-Family on set. -We really became a very tight-knit--

-Family. -We became a family.

Did my publicist not tell you?

I don't answer those questions.

People keep talking about the 12-minute sex scene, but the truth is, is they're very technical.

Yeah, the actor's director, the director's director.

I'm directing him, he's directing the actors.

So, it really all kinda just became like, like a...

-Like a snake eating its own tail. -Exactly.

Honestly, New York is like another character in this movie.

Los Angeles is really like another--

-Character. -It is basically another character.

You know, the kind of silent character in the film.

And if that's the case... might as well be makin' cereal commercials, right?

-Yeah. -I mean, what's the point?

Mm, mm-hm, yeah.

-Are you even listenin' to me, dude? -Hm?

Yeah, yeah, of course I'm listening to you.

-Yes, yeah, absolutely. -I get it.

You think this is all just a bunch of bullshit, right?

Stupid big studio movie, right?

Just a bunch of garbage, but you know what?

You could at least pretend.

Listen, I'm sorry, all right?

I'm just... It's been really tough lately.

Has it, has it been tough?

Here's some advice, do your fucking job.

Do your fucking job, do your fucking job.

I'm tryin' to lay down some realness for you, some realness.

And you're just all, "whatevs."

-Some realness? -Yeah!

You know, this is not realness.

This is not realness.

This is, in fact, completely imaginary.

This is, this is free advertising.

You know, why don't I just leave this little thing going, and you can just talk at it while I go into your bathroom and just jerk off all over your fancy complimentary bathrobe?

Because it really doesn't matter what the fuck I'm doing here as long as you get whatever diarrhea it is out of your fucking mouth.


There you go, you got it. Oh, shit.

There you go!

You little bitch, huh?

Maybe I could turn it into some sort of personal essay?

You know, what it's like to get throttled by a movie star.

Hey, pudding.


You ever have one of those days where you're pretty sure somebody just drugged you, and you hallucinated the whole day?

Sounds good.

Hey, what do you think of Mexican-Bangladesh fusion as a food concept?

Sounds good.



It's unlocked, what are you, a fuckin' vampire?

-Come on in. -I could be a vampire.

-You're fucked now, if I am.

Where's the lady of the house?

Oh, at some new media mixer meetup thing.

-You want a glass? -No, no, no.

I can manage.

Very classy, cheers.

So, it seems as if I am in an open marriage.

Allie and I.

Finally, you people figure this out.

"You people?"

As per usual, the homosexual community has been way out in front on this particular trend.

Have you ever been in a relationship long enough for it to become exclusive, so then it could subsequently become an open relationship?

So what, you just rolled the honeymoon into a ménage in the hot tub and it just evolved from there?

Oh, there...

There was no hot tub, nor any ménage.

Are you still together?

No, not in almost a year, I mean, we're basically affectionate roommates on our good days.

-That is lamentable. -It's bullshit, man.

It is bullshit, the whole fuckin' thing is bullshit, and I'm tired of all of the psychoanalyzing.

The fact of the matter is, is that we are not fucking because we are not fucking, and it's not because I don't want to fuck her, it's because she doesn't wanna fuck me.

She would rather fuck whoever the fuck else she wants to fuck.

Which you seem totally OK with.

Apparently, there was a conversation about it.

You'd think you'd remember.

You'd think.

You do remember, don't you?

OK, what I remember is there was a totally hypothetical, theoretical, philosophical...

undefinitive conversation about the concept of this.

It was had over, like, the course of a couple bottles of wine.

We came to no conclusion, there was no handshake or agreement on this... thing.

And yet...

And yet.

Hey, Dave. It's Elliott, just callin' to see what was goin' on.

If there was anything comin' up you could have me in on.

Junkets, assignments, screenings.

I am around and would be very excited to come and do somethin' with you guys again.

Or, you know, we could just get together and have some lunch a cup of coffee, grab a drink, whatever is clever, my friend.

Uh, so give me a call back when you have a sec. Um...

I'm gonna send you an email right now to just follow up, too.

Silas, Elliott! How's it goin', man?

Listen, I was just talkin' to David, uh, and I was thinking it would be fun if you and I got together and collaborated on somethin' for his site, or even for your site, you know?

Just, it's been a minute since, uh, we've hung out and I think it'd be, uh, it'd be great if we could, uh, do somethin' together.

Um... and listen, I don't know if you've heard anything crazy, any crazy stories about me lately, but you know, uh, people just... they talk shit, everybody talks shit in this town.

You know how it goes.

I'm sure they even talk shit about you.

Not that I've heard anything, but you know, you've gotta worry when they're not talkin', that's my point, right?

Right, uh, OK, well, listen, give me a call.

I think we could knock somethin' really cool out together.

Um, and that'd be fun, I'll talk to you soon, man.

All right, be good, bye.

Hey, stranger.

I, um, have an interview goin', so, I can't really talk.

Oh, no worries.

What's up?

Oh, I was just wonderin' if maybe you wanted to, like, get a drink sometime, talk shop, let me pick your brain a little bit, that sort of thing?

-If you're not too busy. -Uh, no, not at all.

That sounds fun.


-How's tomorrow for you? -Uh, tomorrow?

Um... let me see.

Actually, tomorrow's wide open.

Great, great! Why don't you just, you know, come by the house, then?

OK, uh, that sounds like a plan.

OK. Oh, and, um, try not to get choked out by any

-famous movie stars before then. -Hey, now.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you know I had to.

Well, I'll see you then.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, thanks. Uh, uh, uh, bye-bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Hi, you made it. -Hi.

Fantastic. Oh, give me that, that's for me.

Thank you very much. Come in.

Nice place you got here.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's a work in progress, but it is coming along.

I'm just surprised that these assholes don't get punched in the face more often.

I didn't punch him in the face, he tackled me, and he's got years of, like, movie fighting experience.

You know, I don't have that.

Yeah, well anyway, it makes for a fun anecdote.

Albeit career-ending, potentially. I don't know, I mean, these junkets, you know, they're so predictable and so rote, and they just, like... People do anything to set themselves apart and I just think, like, everybody now thinks I'm the fight-starting guy.

I don't know, I just think I need to, like, get off the junket scene.

Yeah, yeah, stop being beholden to the studio release calendar.

Yeah, yeah. I should find some star, right, who, like, nobody's talking about, but they love, and-and bring them back, and bring them back into the conversation and do something collaborative.

Like a hand-in-glove kind of win-win situation, right?

Yeah, yeah, totally, change the conversation.

And make my own opportunities, right?


Excuse me a minute, would you?



-Hey! -Hey.

You also put in some central air, huh?

Yes. It cost me an ovary.

I don't wanna talk about it, I brought reinforcements.

-You're so excited about it. -Yeah, no, it's nice.

-You really are. -I'm just gonna...

-I can tell. -...finish this.

You know, we don't have to just talk about work shit.

I'm sorry, I know it's boring.


No, no, it's not boring, it's just, it's not the most stimulating date conversation.

This is a date?

Shit, this is a date?

OK, see, see...

See, this is the problem with this city, right?

Everything is always, like, so vague, it's always, like, "Hey, we're just gonna have drinks and hang out.

Let's just chill, let's kick it."

So, what exactly are we doing?

Elliott, if a woman invites you to her house, -it generally means one thing. -Right, yeah, yeah.

Besides, I thought you and your wife were on the outs?

Who said that?

They said it, you know, people.

This town is tiny, Elliott.

-OK, word gets out. -I hate that.

Yeah, well, hatin' it won't stop it.

We're not splitting up.

No, I mean, we're not split up right now, like, technically, you know, but...

We're just, like, there's some things that happened

-that we're working out, and -Mm-hmm. it's really complicated and I'm just, I'm working it out, you know?

So, let me ask you this, um, are you, uh, allowed to see other people, in this process?

-Am I? -You and your wife.

I mean, that's the complicated part, because it seemed like we just weren't on the same page, you know?

-And we're gettin' bits and... -Right.

So, how is this not a date, then?

What you got going on over there, then?

Just reviewing my prospects.

Hm! Same. How are they?



Well, he seems sweet.

And well-read.


Besides aren't you seeing somebody, like, seriously seeing?

-Am I? -Aren't you?

Oh, yeah, right, Jonathan!


We're having issues.

Just, you know, compatibility issues.

Compatibility issues, I know all about that.

It's just, you know...

I'm just, too...

-Girthy. -Oh, there it is.

For the cheap seats, very nice, good one, thank you.

Good job.

Oh, I see how it is, as soon as the boss lady leaves, all the rules go out the window, do they?

It's my house, too.

Well, actually, it's her house.

OK, but, like, when she's not here, I can...

What's up with this thing tonight?

-Oh, the party thing? -Mm-hmm.

Or it's a gallery thing, or standup.

There might be an improv troupe.

-Oh you're really sellin' it. -Whatever.

It'll be dark and loud and full of desperate, drunken people just aching for someone to say something nice to them.

-You'll fit right in. -Mm.

Will any of these drunk, desperate people be women?

I think so. I don't really notice them anymore.

It's like I've got female-blindness.

OK, but is it like an exclusively-gay thing?

Not exclusively.

I mean, that'd be illegal, I think.

I don't know.

All right, I'm just gonna say it.

I find your lack of effort personally insulting.

I put on a jacket!

Are you not gonna take your wedding ring off?

I'm still married.

Listen, I'm strugglin' to try to find a way to explain this whole wife situation.

Well, I certainly wouldn't open with it.

♪ Let's leave this place

♪ And run away

♪ And build our own home

♪ In our own way

♪ Let's take our time

♪ Leave our models behind Courage, lad.

Booze will help, come on.

-What've you got there? -Vodka tonic.

And what's this? Like, some kind of IPA shit?

Bold choice, I like it.

Hey, uh... who's your friend?

Oh, don't be like that, it's just Elliott.

I mean, look at him, he's blatantly heterosexual.

-Hey, hey. -Hi, Hugh.

Hi, nice to meet you.

-Really nice to meet you, Elliott. -Nice to meet you.

You don't think there's anything in this, do you?

I think there's lots and lots of disgustingly cheap vodka in it, -so, get it down. -Mm-hmm.

-Pardon me, young man. -Oh, hello, spunky.

Hi, who's the square?

This miserable piece of shit is my good friend Elliott.

Elliott, may I present the lady of the hour, Miss Dana.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too, Elliott.

This is wonderful looking work here.

Thank you, I almost believe you.

Um, what do you do?

Well, I did just find out that my wife and I are in an open marriage and I-I didn't know about that before... very recently, and now I'm, you know...

I'm just gonna press pause on this super-sad story, and I just gotta make the rounds with everybody, -but I'll come back and chat with you. -Very nice to meet you.

-Drink the punch. OK. -Mm-hm!

-Just say you're a screenwriter. -But I'm not a screenwriter.

No one's gonna press the issue.

Nobody wants to talk to a screenwriter.

What if I want to talk to somebody, like, women somebody?

Oh, then definitely don't say you're a screenwriter.

I'm actually a screenwriter actually, and--

Shh, shh, shh.

-Darling. -See?

I feel like your Reactions of the Drought is like an intensely political statement, you know?

Right, totally. How do you mean?

Well, you know, it's just, like...

Like... like, it says so much about you, like, politically.

-Right. -Hey, did you guys see that thought catalog essay that I posted?

-Yeah, it was so good. -So good.

I liked.

-Your bicep is so big. -Is it?

You know, I never really noticed it.

Yes, dear?

I think I should call a time-of-death about now.

Elliott, please, I mean, it's barely, what time is it?

Who the fuck cares?

You're both really lucky, I'm gonna get another drink.

Do you guys want another drink?

See you in a minute.

It's very... evocative.

Yeah, that's a word for it.

I'm sorry, I don't do this. Ever.

Talk to strangers.

I'm not a stranger, I'm Kaley.

-Kelly? -Kaley.

-Kaley? -Right.

-Elliott. -A pleasure, Elliott.

And, look, I got that on the first try.

So, Elliott, tell me, how are your morals?

-I'm sorry, my what? -Morals.

Your morals, how are they?

-Shaky... at best.


Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? What?

I have to... I should tell you something.

-What? -Uh, wow, um...

Uh, just so that, like, I'm not, like, a complete jerk you should know, uh...

I'm married.

Oh, God, I thought you were gonna say you had syphilis.

-No, just married. -Oh.

-I'm cool with it. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -So... really, we can keep?

I should, oh, oh, OK, yeah.

Mm, oh my God, yeah.


Hey, mornin'.

-You OK? -What?

Oh, yeah, totally.

How was your night? Good, I take it.

-Not bad. -Good, good.

-Hello? -Dude, Colton.

I got your message and you know what?

I dig it, I'm in.

I'm not even gonna bother runnin' it by the team.

Uh, that's great.

-Just do me a favor. -That's good news.

Hit them up, let them know we're moving forward, I don't wanna, you know, bruise any toes, step on any egos.

Uh, yeah, man, sure. Of course.

When do you wanna come by the house, get goin'?

-Yeah, get it goin'. -Yeah, does today work?

I could totally do today or later this week, really.

Any time. I could do today, I'm sure you're crazy busy.

Yeah, yeah, crazy busy, but, um...

You know, today, I have some time today.

OK, so, you know, what time works for you, 3:30?

3:30 good, 3:35?

3:35 work for you?

Uh, 3:35 is great.

Or, you know, whenever, whenever.

♪ Every night as I

♪ Close your eyes I feel

♪ Like she never felt that way ♪

♪ I keep comin' you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin' you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin' you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin' you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin' you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin' you keep comin' ♪

My man!

You made it.

Come on, get over here.


Oh, I was just gonna try this sweet-ass rose that Pete Berg sent over, you wanna try?

-Wanna sip, little sip? -Uh, sure?

Falsta, are you here? Is she here?

I don't think she's here.

All right, we'll do that later.

What are you workin' on these days, man, any good features?

-Keepin' busy, you know. -Good, I'm sure, I'm sure.

-Here, have a seat. -Thanks.

Uh, you know, not that one.

-Right there. -Yeah.


I really dug your message, man, and I'm really glad that Sam put us in touch because I was just having a discussion with my peeps about doin' somethin' to put me back in the conversation, you know?

And then what happens, I get this message from you.

Boom, just like that, offering me exactly what I'm looking for.

The Universe, right?

You know, the fuckin' Universe, man.

-Right? -The Universe, yes.

Anyway, so, do you remember Collin's profile in Vanity Fair that first one he did a while ago?

It was... He let this writer, you know, shadow him for, like, a month, and they got drunk together and they drank with his mom.

They did everything and they ended up with this, just in-depth no-holds-barred profile

-that was fucking epic. -Hm.

You know, it was fucking epic and it made him a star.

Vanity Fair made him a star.

It might have been Esquire.

And you wanna do somethin' like that?

Yes! Exactly like that...

-except, about me. -Uh-huh.

-Not him, me, right, yeah? -Right, of course, you.

-Yeah, yeah, we would do it about you. -Yeah.

-Uh... -So are you in?

Yes, no, I'm in, yeah. Yeah, yeah, when do we start?

I mean, I think we just did.

Have we been eating more chicken lately?

We've been avoiding beef because of the drought.

-Hm? -Well, you know, because of the water usage of cows?

-Cows? -Well, yeah.

I saw a chart on Eater about it.

How much water it takes for different products, and beef is the absolute worst, so I stopped buying it.

Besides, you love chicken.

I don't think it works like that.

What doesn't?

The steak you buy at the store, that cow is already dead, whether you buy it or not.

The water's already been used.

You can't affect economic change after the fact like that.

At least I'm trying to help.

We're not buying almonds anymore either.

Hm, I haven't noticed.

So, I'm thinking we don't spend that much time on my upbringing, it's boring, to be honest.

And, you know, ET just did this whole thing on it not that long ago. They went out to Ohio and they talked to my old teachers and folks I went to elementary school with, and big surprise, what a bunch of fuckin' assholes, am I right?

-Um... -You know?

People think Ohio's all salt of the earth and shit, but they will stab you in the back in a fuckin' heartbeat. I swear to God.

I think we could just kinda stay away from that whole, you know, element and really just make it about the here and now, and what an asset I am and facing the future, you know, right?

-Yeah. -Totally, totally, right?

Anyway, good, OK, so, you got it, you're all set.

I gotta make it to this Soul Cycle class.

So, we'll talk later, bye.

-Are those from here? -Don't overthink.

OK. I won't.

We're not having sex tonight.

Is that a challenge? 'Cause I like a challenge.

I'm serious, I don't fuck on the second date.

Was that our first date?

Retroactively, yes, or hang out, whatever.

-OK, so... -Why no fucking on the second date?

You know, see if we actually like each other.

You know, everyone has it backwards.

The longer you put off the sex the bigger a deal it becomes.

Everything's always about, like, "When are we gonna do it?"

Right, but this way we've already done it.

You know, there's no suspense, no false pretences.

Now, we can see if we actually like each other.

-Huh. -What do you think?

Well, I'm really good at not having sex.



You know, you still haven't asked me what I do for a living.

-Haven't I? -You haven't.

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

It's OK, I kinda like it.

You know, too many people lead with that.

Mm. Like you did with me.

Totally, busted.

So, that begs the question.

I'm a makeup artist, mostly for reality TV.

Different housewives of varying degrees of realness.

-Wow. -Yeah, I'm kinda like the pit crew for the washed up has-beens of tomorrow, or today, you know, depending on the show.

-So, did you always wanna be a writer? -Mm...

I am not a writer.

But your job, your...

-The press stuff? -Yeah.

No, no, I had a friend a few years ago who was a junketeer and he told me that he would just go see movies and talk to actors for five minutes and type up a transcript

-and get paid for it. -That sounds simple enough.

It sounded like the biggest fucking scam in the world, so...

I'm pretty good at it.

Up until recently, I got a lot of work.



What was that for?

I just felt like it.

I'm gonna have to pace myself with you, Mr. Married Man.


I'm probably gonna regret this, but...

-Yeah? -Your wife.

Mm, yeah?

I don't know, what's to know?

How did you end up married and still--

-On the make? -If you must.

OK, uh...

Well, my wife, Allison--

Ooh, can we not use names?

Can we just stick to "my wife?"

Fair enough.

-So, she who shall not be named... is from Great Britain.

She's British from the island of Great Britain, yes.

And we met and dated for about eight months and she asked me to marry her.

This thing, this is her idea.

This arrangement.

-Oh, my God. -Hm?

You're a passenger.

-I'm a... -Romantically, you're a passenger, like, someone else is driving.

That's crazy sad, man.

Like, uh... but, like, sexy-sad, right?

Like, crazy sexy-sad?

I don't think that's a thing.

You're home early, how'd it go?

-How'd what go? -Your date, silly.

I'm really not OK with how OK you are with this.

I'm just trying to be supportive.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Oh, here, let me get out of the way for you.

-We need to talk. -Yeah, we do.

No, I'm serious, we need to talk about our problems.

We're in a state of flux, but we can figure it out.

OK, I mean, you know, figure out what--

Look, listen, I know we didn't do this as cleanly and clearly

-as we could have. -Oh, that's rich.

But, you know, we're not miserable.

We have money, a nice home, stability.

That has to account for something.

This just isn't what--

This just isn't what I imagined, you know?

Not what I pictured.

This isn't how I wanna be married.



Oh, must you?


And that was when I realized that you can't date actresses, man.

You know, at least not ones with their own production company.

So fucking litigious.

You gettin' all this, Gore Vorbinski?


Oh, yeah-yeah.

-Don't you mean Gore Vidal? -Ah, whatever, man, I'm just makin' sure you're payin' attention.

I am, I am, but I got a lot of my mind, I'm sorry.

-Yeah. -Girl problems?

How'd you guess? -It's always girl problems.

Or boy problems, if that's your deal.

Yeah, these are girl problems.

Seein' a girl, you know?

Is she hot?


Describe her.


OK, let me see a picture.


Whatever, dude!

Wait, aren't you married?

Yeah, but we have, like, an arrangement.

Hot. Hot and smart.

Is your wife hot? Is she smart? I bet she's smart.

You know, I just, I gotta...

-It's that time. -What're you talkin' about?

I'm sorry, dude, you know what, I'll listen, I'll listen!

-I'll call you in a-- -Is it with your...

If it's with your wife, just invite her here, man!

Or the other one! Or both!

Both would be hot.

No? Oh, well.

The fuck?

Do you ever hear birds that sound kinda like car alarms?

Yeah, totally, you too?

Really? I thought I was goin' crazy.

No, it's totally a thing.

It's really depressing, isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

I like it, you know, it's kind of ironic.


Yeah, like natural beauty gets invaded by something ugly, and then nature finds a way to make it beautiful again.


No, it's really, really depressing.

You think everything is depressing.

They're mating calls.

It's a basic genetic impulse to procreate, only the thing that they're trying to attract... will never, ever... ever respond.

It's hopeless.


She's like a fuckin' dude, it's terrifying.

So, you mean she just wants to have nasty, unbridled sex with you?

Maybe chat a bit, but nothing else, no standard boyfriend procedure?

-Pretty much. -Yeah, I don't see the problem.

The problem is, I don't know how to do that.

I mean, I feel like in spite of having a dick and everything I'm hard-wired for monogamy.

Oh... That's terrible.

Why is that terrible?

I would think that that would be commendable.

Don't know what to tell you, it's awful.

Well, you could tell me what to do!

I don't know. Get with the times?

I am... I am with the times.

I'm a modern-- I'm a modern man, very sophisticated.

-How so? -I have very nice...

I have good taste in things.

-I know interesting people, gay people. -So, you just got to the 90s.

-I'm sorry. -It's cool.

Well, not that this hasn't been thoroughly delightful...

Could I, uh, you know, come up and...?

Oh, uh, not tonight, I have a date later, so...

-You have a date later? -Yeah, a date.

I mean, not really a date, it's this actor.

He's totally vapid and obnoxious, but my God, those fucking abs.


You probably don't want the details.

Hey, I... I didn't, um, I-I didn't know we were, like, seeing other people.

Oh, um...

I mean, I'm not your girlfriend or anything.


Come on, I thought you were cool.

You know... Never mind.

-What? -No, nothing.

No, tell me.

It's just...

We never go to your house.

I mean, I've never even seen it.


That was stupid, I shouldn't have said anything.

-No, no, it wasn't. -No, it's fine, I'm gonna go.

-Kaley. -I'm gonna go.

Yeah, you do know that people can tell when you send them to voicemail, right?


I was just calling to see if you were ever planning on calling, which sounded a lot less fucking stupid and desperate in my head, but, you know what, hey, there you go.

I had fun and I was gonna say that maybe we should do it again, but, you know what, actually, maybe not.

'Cause, you know.


Uh, by the way, uh, what is this shit about Colton Jane thanking me for putting you guys together?

I didn't press the issue, but I just thought you should know that I prefer to be asked before my name gets dropped so heavily, OK?

Uh, so... call me!

Or don't, or don't, whatever.


Yeah, I'm just gonna, yeah, OK, just...


See, with regular juicing, you don't get the cellulose and the natural fibers and stuff, you know, so, it ends up really not being that good for ya, you know?

-Right! -Yeah.


And, you know, plus the sugar.

The other way, the other juicing way, it's all sugar, and there's literally nothing worse for you on the planet.

I had a doctor tell me that sugar is worse for you than poison, so there you go.

Yeah, I mean, you know, more turmeric would've been good.

-You want a little hit? -I'm all right, I'm fine.

-Thank you. -It's your body, bro.

Hey, let me ask you somethin'.

Isn't that the whole point? Come on.

Let's have it.

-About me? -Oh, oh!

By all means, what, about your wife that doesn't fuck you?

Yeah, I didn't think you were listening.

Dude, open marriage, hot chick on the side.

Why would I not be listening?


-Why am I still married? -That's-that's on you, buddy.

-So, what do I do? -Oh, cut her loose.

-Which one? -Either, whichever you want.

Oh, or...

Keep fuckin' the hot one till she stops textin' you back.

That is what I always do.


Oh, I have liquid Vicodin!

My manager left it here and there's a House Hunters International marathon that starts soon, do you wanna watch it?

-Let's fucking chill, man. -All right.

-Yes! -OK.

Where is it? Falsta!

The first option is a three-bedroom condo for $800 a month.

I love that it has a table on the balcony.

That's actually a steal for Medellín.


You only got one ticket.

I think it's better if you don't come with.

Allison, it's your father's funeral.

No, it's already a lot, all of that over there.

Just, you should stay here.

It feels wrong.

I just, I need you to be here, OK?

And I need all of that to be over there, OK?


Do you need, do you have your passport and everything?


Do you want a snack for the road?

Can you piss off please, Elliott?

OK, yeah, yeah, OK.

Thank you, sailor.

Oh, you are welcome... admiral.

Ugh, you know, this couch is ridiculously comfortable.

Yeah, I can barely sit on it for more than, like, ten minutes before I just pass out.

Is it weird that I find that sexy?

That you find my old man TV-watching habits attractive?

-Yeah. -That's perfectly normal.

-I, um, have to admit something. -Yes?

There are many, many other pieces of comfortable furniture dispersed all throughout this house.

-Is that so? -Mm.

I was thinking maybe I should give you a tour?

Yeah, you hadn't yet, and I was about to complain.

Mm, that would so annoying.

Maybe, um, maybe we could start with the particularly...

-comfortable bed in the bedroom. -Mm.

Show me.

I should, um...

I should really do something about... my pants.

I should, uh, also do something about your pants, too.

Um, do you think maybe we could, uh, go back to the couch?

The couch?

Yeah, this just feels a little weird.

It's just my bedroom.

Well, it's not just your bedroom.

It feels like we're doing something wrong.

I mean, I think it's OK.

Like... I'm really happy that you're here and that you came over and...

This is really nice.

Um, do you think maybe we could just, like, sleep for a little bit or something?


Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course, yeah.


Uh... oh.


Uh, do you want some, like, pyjamas or something or...?

I'm-I'm OK, thank you.

-Is that OK? -Yeah.


What're you doin' out here?

I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep, I didn't wanna wake you.

I remembered what you said about this couch being so comfortable.

How come you're wearing your jacket?

I should go.

No. No, come on, stay, hang out and...

You know, we'll just, like, watch a movie and we can talk--


This is supposed to be fun.

This isn't fun.




Yo, buddy!

Oh, there he is.

Good morning, sunshine.

-It's open. -Oh.


Look, if now's not a good time, I can...

Come on in, sit down.

He said super-convincingly.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry.

Kaley came by yesterday and totally freaked out.

I can't say I'm surprised.

Your wife leaves and your first thought is, "Oh, gee, I can invite my girlfriend over."

-Classy as fuck. -She's not my girlfriend.

She's made that abundantly clear, but, yes, you are correct.

-I am the asshole. -I'm just saying.

I don't know if "wife" is the correct nomenclature

-these days, either. -She... is... your... wife.

There's no gray area.

If you think that's not an accurate label, get a fucking divorce.

Come in, whatever.

You know, you could've just texted.

I seriously wouldn't have minded.

Breakup via text, I mean--

See, you think we're breaking up, which means you think we're dating, but we're not.

We're just fucking.


I don't even know why we're having this conversation.

I mean, why couldn't you let it just, you know, end?

You know, that had that whole thing about not fucking on the second date, and you called it a date. You said it was a date.

Yeah, it just sounds more clever that way, OK?

If I wanted a boyfriend, which I don't, I wouldn't go for the depressed, unemployed, married guy.

-What if I wasn't married? -Oh, fuck off.

We could've been amazing together.

But I'm a coward.

-I get it. -No.

No, you really don't.

This isn't your lifeboat, El.

This is my life.

Now walk the fuck away.

I am so sorry.

You really need to stop apologizing all the time.

-Sorry. -Jesus fucking Christ.

But, really, what if I wasn't married?

OK, um...

You're always going to be married, one way or another.

What does that mean?

It means that even if you weren't married, all you would be trying to do is wife my shit up.

I mean, you're already doing it anyway.


It's not irony...

Mr. Bird Alarm.

Irony is this feeling of having never been so alone and then wanting nothing more than to share that with somebody because it seems so fucking imperative and raw.

And then you realize, oh crap, there's absolutely nobody to tell, there's no one to share this incredible sense of solitude... to.

That is irony. Mm.

You're singin' the wrong song.

Oh, no.


What the shit, man?

-Hey, Colton. -What the shit is this?

I got my publicist bitchin' at me for goin' behind her back and doin' some stupid blog and she sends me a link to this trashy movie site that I've never even heard of.

What is this?

Yeah, you know, the thing about that, man--

It's not Vanity Fair, this is not Vanity Fair.

What happened to Vanity Fair?

-Hey, Colton, can you hold on for one second? -Yeah, what?

Wait, no, but can you just hold on for one second?

I'm sorry, dude, just hold on.


Oh, you...


Hey, pudding.


Hey, you're back.

I'm back.

-So, um, I've been thinking-- -And so have I.


I thought a lot while I was there on the plane.

I just, I sat and thought.

A lot.

And I know that we've been having troubles.

I know things have been hard.

-Eh-- -No, no, I know that you haven't been happy.

But my dad, he had no one in the end.

No one.

I thought, I don't want that.

It made me realize how much I cherish this.

How much I need it.

I don't want to lose it.

I know it's weird and different, and not like how you imagined, but I love you.

I love us.

And this relationship only needs to make sense to us.

We just need to figure out how.


Can we?


No... I don't want this.

I pour my heart out to you and that's your response?

Look, I've been... thinking, like I said, too, you know?

And maybe it's also the thing with your dad, but, you know, or everything that's been happening, and, I don't know, I just, I realized that I don't want this.

Like, deep down want.

-And life is too short-- -You met someone, didn't you?

Don't you think I haven't had flings like that, just fallen hard for someone else, but I let them go for you, because I married you.

-Yeah, but why? -Just because!

No, you can't go, I won't let you.

-You won't let me? -No, fuck you.

I say we're not breaking up.

I say that's fucking preposterous.

Well, fuck you. I'm not going to let you be my whole bloody life, just because you want to obliterate yours.

Grow the fuck up!

That's what I'm trying to do!


Remind me to change my gate code.

You don't really work for Vanity Fair, -do ya? -No.

You know what I'm startin' to think?

I'm startin' to think you never did.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-No. -No.

Look, I'll have the post taken down.

Yeah, fucking do that, then.

I just need some money?

How much money?

How much does it take to get a divorce?

Look, we can it a loan, you know?

I mean, I'll get you back and then you'll never hear from me ever again.

♪ You watched me grow

♪ Now watch me fall from grace ♪

♪ I can't stand the look on

♪ Your innocent face

♪ All I hope

♪ Is that you're proud

♪ Of the person I am now

♪ The way I turned out

♪ Me and my

♪ Reality

♪ You and your

♪ Fantasy

♪ Livin' without me

♪ At the edge of the green still lake ♪

♪ I spied your face below the waves ♪

♪ Pale hands hangin' miles and miles from ♪

♪ The nearest bed river flow

♪ Don't let the smoke get in your eyes ♪

♪ Your eyes

♪ Your eyes are closed

♪ But still you see it

♪ Oh, you see it

♪ Your heart still beats

♪ And so you feel it

♪ Oh, you feel it

♪ They watched as the love fell back ♪

♪ Retreating to the cold

♪ Different lips and on-the-sides ♪

♪ The truths you never saw

♪ Careful, mind as you walk along ♪

♪ The edge of all you feel

♪ City lights can't eliminate

♪ All that you call different