j& Can't buy me love j& j& Love j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend j& j& If it makes you feel all right j& j& I'll get you anything my friend j& j& If it makes you feel all right j& j& 'Cause I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& I'll give you all I've got to give j& j& If you say you'll love me too j& j& I may not have a lot to give j& j& But what I got I'll give to you j& j& I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& Everybody tells me so j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& No, no, no... no j& j& Say you don't need no diamond rings j& j& And I'll be satisfied j&
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
No, no, no. I'm on a diet. Thank you. j& I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j&
My hair is such a mess!
What about my clothes?
We're so bad. We're so cool.
Mess with us, you'd be a fool.
Um, we've got the school... No.
We've got the teams. We've got the class.
Uh, uh... But on the field, we'll kick your ass!
Hi, girls. My mom's gonna freak.
Wait 'til you see this new dress Cindy bought!
It is to die for! You're gonna love 'em!
My credit card, please. Yeah, yeah.
Here they are. In my pocket. There.
Cindy, I thought I said only the Neiman Marcus card.
But, Mother, school starts on Tuesday.
Cindy, this is what I'm talking about... responsibility.
Honey, you're a senior now.
Why can't you be more mature like the Miller boy, huh?
Oh, Mother. Get serious.
"Get serious"? Wipe out!
Oh! j& No, no, no... no j& j& Say you don't need no diamond rings j& j& And I'll be satisfied j& j& Tell me that you want the kind of things j& j& That money just can't buy j& j& I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& Can't buy me love j& Chuckie. j& Love j& Chuckie, Mom told you to stay out of the tree house.
It's dangerous. Now, get down. Oh!
Listen, I think that the girls are gonna have a little difficulty with that one...
Well, you know... step, because of with the arms up...
I think we should make it a little harder, so they have a hard time.
My God, you are such a bitch sometimes.
No, listen. It doesn't matter if they know the whole routine. We have to look for rhythm.
That's true. I'll get it!
Hello! Cindy Mancini.
Put on Channel 5! Bobby's on! Thank you.
Are you serious? Oh, my gosh!
You gotta be a little homesick. It is Bobby.
Let me ask you. Great.
What's the one special thing you miss most about the old hometown?
Cindy's name on TV! Mind if I get a little personal?
Whoo-oo! What I really miss the most... always made me feel so good after football practice.
You're so lucky, Cindy. I miss that hydro massage machine... back in the old high school gym.
Well, the old high school misses you too, Bobby Hilton. Good luck with the Hawkeyes.
Stocky Jones... Cindy.
Hey, you guys, it's no felony. Come on. I mean, he's got a lot on his mind, right?
Oh, yeah. Football and everything.
Look, we're late, okay? Let's go. Yeah.
Five, six, seven, eight.
And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two and four.
Whoo! j& I can't take this anymore j&
Hit seven, hit eight. All right! Ha, ha!
Okay, good stuff!
Five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Come on, you guys. Come on!
Arms up. Yes!
Whoo! All right. Lookin'good.
Keep smilin'. Let's go! Yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
Hey, Ronald! Thought you were gonna meet me in the library.
Buy your telescope yet?
You better soon, or you're gonna miss the sale.
A thousand dollars is grand larceny as it is.
What? Are you worried about the capital outlay? No, I was Just thinking... about the cool clique?
Why would you be thinking about them? They're certainly not conscious of us.
That's my point. Wouldn't you like to hang with them?
You have been hanging on Cindy Mancini's lawn for what? Five years?
I bet she doesn't even know your name.
You got a crush on Cindy?
Well, most living organisms do, but she's way out of our league.
She's even out of their league. Okay, freeze! Good!
All right. Looked good, both of you.
It's fun. Oh, good. Look, here comes the sleaze master himself.
Lovely ladies. Miss Mancini.
Lookin' good. Thank you.
Like I knew you would.
Why don't you take a shower, Quint? A cold one.
Yeah, definitely. Ten seconds flat in full pads, yeah.
All-State this year, no question. No question!
Tell 'em about the party.
Uh, hey, guys. Back-to-school party at my place.
Cool! I'm there.
Check it out, dudes. New recruits.
Being a senior's gonna be a beautiful thing.
I can taste it now, man. Hold my pad.
This is supposed to be the biggest year of our lives.
The prom, parties, homecoming. We're supposed to have memories.
Memories? We'll have plenty of memories.
Yearbook committee, video parlor, card games on Saturday nights.
Cards are for retards.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.
We do have a lot of great memories. But be honest.
Wouldn't you like to be popular?
And have to be in a clique? No!
What happened to us? We were all friends in elementary.
That's because we were all forced to be in the same room together.
But, hey, Junior high, high school. Forget it.
Jocks became Jocks. Cheerleaders became cheerleaders.
We became us. I like us.
"I like us." I do.
I Just think it would be more fun to party with those guys our senior year.
Go to the games. We go to all the games.
We sit in the visiting section, Kenneth, at our own school.
I told you and told you.
Mom! Where have you been?
Now there's the answer, buddy.
If you want to be popular, you get one of those...
And you get one of those.
Yeah, right, my fifteen hundred wouldn't buy the wheel.
You can rent 'em, you know. Yeah. j& Come on a safari with me Early in the mornin' we'll be startin'out j& j& Some honeys will be makin'the scene j& j& I've loaded up my woody with the boards on top j& j& And I put on my faded blue jeans j& Looks, um, clean, Dad. j& Come on, baby Wait and see j& Oh, thank you, son.
You know, anytime you want to borrow this little beauty for a night on the town, it's yours.
Thanks. j& Let's go surfin'now j& You missed a spot, Dad.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Beauty runs in this family, and it runs fast.
Rock? Oh, I see you've met my little baby.
Baby? I thought she was your little sister.
Oh, Rock. Mother.
Mom? Can I borrow your suede outfit tonight?
Cindy, I said no.
I'll take care of big sister.
Oh. Isn't he a hunk?
Good word, Mom.
Whoa! Come on.
So, uh, I'm glad you made the squad.
You know, you girls are so important to the team.
I mean, your help is so crucial between games too. Yeah?
Keeping our spirits up. Great!
What can I do to help? Oh.
Ronald? Not at the table, please.
So have you saved up enough money?
Yeah, Fifteen hundred dollars!
Yeah, I mowed 331 miles of grass this summer.
That's $4.54 per mile.
Hmm, The Ronald Miller Story. "My Life On A Mower."
How much is the microscope?
Telescope. Oh, well.
It's $1,000, and it's on sale.
Then I'm gonna deposit the rest in a money market account.
I'm proud of you, son. You worked, you earned, you saved.
You ask. Hey, big Dave. How 'bout, uh, spottin' me a 20 to purchase some necessities?
Why? What's up, son? Preschool Jam session at Julie's.
Okay. And what about you, Ronald?
You got any back-to-school parties lined up?
Yeah, the Saturday night card game.
Ooh! Cards with the 'tards.
Smack him. Hey, bro, I'm only kidding.
I mean, who could beat a night of cards, chips, dips and dorks?
Well, guys, read 'em and weep.
Ronald! Your deal.
Let's do something different.
What do you mean?
We've been playing poker for two years.
Let's play another game.
Fran, isn't it? Yeah!
Wow! Wow, can I pet it?
I'm sorry. It's dead. Ooh, cool outfit!
Ooh, what a severe suede.
You guys, it's no big deal. Um, Bobby sent it to me from Iowa.
You know, they have fine leathers down there.
Oh, yeah, the best leathers come from Rome, Paris and Des Moines.
I don't remember this. I was Just in your closet yesterday.
Um, I probably had it somewhere else. I don't know.
Hey, Fran, do you wanna go mingle a little bit?
My mom won't let me near suede. It's too hard to clean.
Yeah, I know. My mom feels the same way.
Did I tell any of you girls about my many scholarship offers?
Mm-hmm. Hey, John boy!
Yeah! Quint! Hi! John!
Watch it! Ooh. Sorry, hon.
Oh, my God. Don't worry. It's only wine.
Just rub some salt on it. It'll come out.
I mean, it's not like I ruined it.
Now, for the same price, I can sell you this 5-inch telescope.
Oh, it's only 5 inches. Well, it has an optical inverter.
Hmm. Take a look. Take a look.
It gives you an erect image rather than upside-down.
Hmm. Yeah. Ah, yes!
I see the erection.
I'll be right back.
I'll wrap it up for you, Ronald.
Yes, I, I relate to your dilemma, miss. I really do.
But we have a policy of no exchanges, especially after a garment has been marinated in Ripple?
All right, now, I will compromise, all right?
Um, I, I will work here after school and on weekends...
Would you listen to me? I will work here after school and on weekends, and all you need to do is give me a replacement outfit as an advance.
Listen, honey. What?
I'll repeat your alternatives one last time.
You can keep your outfit and dye the rest of it cranberry.
Or you can purchase a new one.
Would you please help me? I will do anything.
Tsk. It's not that bad.
What are you talking about? Are you high? I want to rent you.
You want to "rent me?"
Yeah. You pretend you like me, and we go out for just a few weeks... and that will make me popular.
Just going out with me is not gonna make you popular.
Well, I have $1,000 that says it will.
I think you've mowed one too many lawns.
I believe we have decided against purchasing the outfit.
Oh! You made it!
I was afraid you weren't gonna meet me. Mellow out, Donald.
I said 8:05. I'm here, right? Relax, anyway. It's only school.
Yeah, well, this is not my average opening day.
I'm about to walk the cool hallway.
I usually go the long route through the library. Would you ease up?
I mean, I'm the one who's gonna have to hold a press conference... when we're seen together, right? Right.
Okay, now let's get this deal straight one more time.
Um, we only pretend to hang, right? Uh, no hand holding, no kissing!
And I get my lunch hour off.
That's not our deal. I need more return on my investment.
Well, there's no way I'm holding your hand in public.
I mowed 286 miles for you. Okay, one lunch.
There are five days in a school week.
All right, Donald, two lunches. Three lunches.
And the pep rally on Friday. Four lunches. That's it!
Okay, deal. Now, Just remember, this is our sworn secret for life or longer.
You promise. Yeah, yeah. I promise.
Anyway, how bad could it be, right? It's only for one week.
No, no, it's one month. One month.
Yeah, I know. Okay, one month.
Now if I'm gonna do this for one day, we have to do something about your style.
I mean, it's like nonexistent. Okay? Take off that hat.
And... rub that in.
Okay, um, take off those glasses.
Here you go.
Let me take a look at you.
Nope. Turn around.
Okay, here you go. Your sleeve.
Don't worry about it. You look fine.
Turn around and back up.
Yes, yes, big improvement. Yes.
Okay, Donald, we're ready.
Oh, Cindy, one last thing. Yeah?
My name is Ronald, not Donald.
Let's do it. That's right. Let's do it.
Should I put my collar up?
Hey, dude! Hey, man.
What's happenin', homes?
If we win a basketball trophy, put it down there.
We want ours to be all alone. Man, look at...
Who's the dick with ears? Oh, yeah, man. It's that wimp ass Miller guy.
I don't get it. It must be for charity.
I think that's Ronald Miller. No way!
It must be a... transfer.
Wrong, and I think I'm puking.
Hi, Pats, Barb.
Um, you all know Ronnie. Yeah, I think.
Didn't you, like, used to mow our lawn?
Yes, and you have the nicest pair of rhododendrons in town.
Dendrons. I'll see you guys in Home Ec.
What did he say? I don't care.
Dig on his shirt.
Well, class, any interesting experiments this summer?
Uh, yeah, well, uh, I grew spores and fungi... in my parents' refrigerator this summer.
Now he's homeless.
How come you didn't meet me in the library? Sorry. I forgot.
First day and all.
What's with the weird outfit? Um, it's a designer original.
Yeah, how's the new telescope? Well, I didn't exactly buy it yet.
A thousand dollars is a great deal to part with, and I don't...
Mr. Miller, you seem quite talkative this morning.
Why don't you recite the bones of the upper appendicular skeleton?
Oh, God, John.
You are such a pig.
God. Well... since you guys are all wimping out, I'll get to the main issue here.
Cindy, what were you doing with the lawn boy?
We're friends. Since when?
Excuse me, Cindy. "Friends?" Come on.
Well, what about Bobby?
Yeah, come on. We Just want some answers, all right?
Guys, why don't you take a look at my forehead?
Do you see a sign that says "Information"?
Ooh! I didn't think so.
Girl! Taste, please.
Hey, come on!
I know that lunch was part of our deal, but I didn't think it meant the same table.
Well, I thought it would be a little more believable.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, you did treat. Yes.
Aren't you in the wrong section?
Losers are to the left.
Then I guess you'll be making a right.
That's the asshole section.
Oh! You need a map, John?
We've only been sitting at that table for three years.
Well, look. That wimp ass Miller is parked in our zone.
Lighten up. How bad could he be?
He's with Cindy. Come on.
You all know Ronnie?
Yeah, we were in, uh, 6th grade together.
Uh, but I haven't seen him since then.
I read in the paper that you and Ricky will probably make all-county, maybe even All-State this season.
Oh, really? You go to the game? Every one.
I never seen ya there. I have.
You sit in the visiting section, don't you?
Yeah, he sits there to razz the other team.
It's psychological warfare. Yeah!
I almost got my butt kicked three times.
I'll bet. Now that's school spirit.
Risking your life for the team. Yeah.
I guess. Yeah.
Guys, look at this. Ronald's over in no-man's land, and he's still alive.
What does he think he's doing, Kenneth?
He must be helping them with their homework. Yeah.
First morning in school, homework? Sure, Ken.
God, if my blood sugar level was any lower, I'd be a corpse. Thanks for stopping.
No problem. I stop here every day anyway.
Why didn't you eat lunch? I don't know.
I guess I Just get nervous around those guys.
Hi, Cindy. John.
Now is your chance. Okay, why don't you go over there... and invite them to come over here and join us, okay?
Good idea. Okay.
Hey, guys, come on over. The pizza's on me. Whoo!
All right. Whoo!
Come on. Don't. Man!
Oh, come on, you guys. Give me that.
Dude. Thanks, Ron.
Oh, come on. F-6, okay. Got F-6.
Hey! Different outfit, Ron. Thanks, Dad.
Hey, honey, how's that new microscope?
It's a tele...
I decided to wait for the big Columbus Day sale.
Where ya off to? I'm going to a party... at John Richman's with Cindy Mancini.
Cindy Mancini? Mm-hmm.
Senior? Captain of the cheerleaders? Yes.
Most beautiful girl in the history of this county.
Mm-hmm. That's her. Well, I'm late. I gotta bolt.
"Bolt?" Something stinks in suburbia.
Hey. j& Secret agent man, Secret agent man j&
Who is it? Ronald.
Oh, Ronald? Yes, ma'am.
Um, did I... Did I forget to pay you last week?
Oh, no, ma'am. I'm here to pick up Cindy.
Cindy? Yes, ma'am. Your daughter.
Here she is. Uh-huh. Bye.
Cindy, I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to your mother.
She'll get over it.
Is something the matter? Yes, there's something the matter!
Ronald, I'm usually picked up in some sort of mechanized transportation.
I'm sorry. It's just... It's a nice night, Cindy. It's only a few blocks.
I am not going on a nature walk.
I can't believe I let you negotiate a Saturday night.
I mean, what? We had lunch all week together.
I stood near you in the hall. I even took you out for pizza!
And I waved to you at the game yesterday.
I mean, Saturday night was not part of our deal.
Bobby hasn't called?
I don't think that's any of your business.
Cindy, here Bobby was a big-time football star.
But there he's Just a freshman tryin' to make it.
I'm sure he's thinking about you.
Sorry? Hey, I'm the one that forgot my dad's car.
It's Just that I haven't had that many dates in the last 16, say, 17 years.
So what do you think of this suit, huh? Elegant?
What's a two word phrase for late and inconsiderate?
Oh, oh, oh! I got it. Uh, Ronald Miller.
Hysterical. He'll be here.
Yeah, he's probably havin' a late lunch with Cindy.
The least he could have done is drop off the dip and chips.
The cold brew is just not the same.
So what's the real reason why they call you Big John?
Well, how about I show you?
Hey, great game, Big John. Oh, thanks.
Um, you brought Cindy here?
No... Yes... Well, we came from her house together, so, yeah.
Well, hey, anyway, think you can handle a brew? Sure, you got an A & W?
No, you're a funny guy though. j& 'Cause you're not to blame 'cause you're not the same j&
You okay? Dude, I got to let it go, man.
I mean, bad. Oh, but there's no need for panic, because John Richman is a socially responsible human being.
Hi. People are starting to buy this.
I mean, he went from totally geek to totally chic.
What do you think?
Ronnie, do you want me to give you a ride home after school?
Yes, please. Thank you. Okay, I'll see you then.
Good morning. Good morning.
How was your weekend? It was great. How was yours?
Well, uh, Friday, uh...
I nearly got my face rearranged by a visiting fan trying to save ya a seat.
And Saturday, you stood us up for cards.
And, hey, Sunday, never returned any of my calls.
Damn. I'm sorry. Yeah? For which one?
I said I'm sorry. Can we please terminate this?
Hey, hey, Kenneth. Kenneth, Kenneth, Kenneth!
Let's do somethin' this weekend, just me and you.
Okay, Friday night.
I can't. Saturday.
Well, I was thinkin' more like Sunday afternoon.
Great. I'll call you for an appointment.
Oh, great. All right. I'll see you Sunday.
Yo, gentlemen. Hey! How's it goin'?
You know, when I offered you a ride home, it wasn't to get you to wash my car.
I don't mind. Actually, I kind of like it. You're a hard worker.
Work's not really my thing.
Cheerleading's hard work. You do it well.
I guess. But what I mean is that I don't do much else... except for shop and hangout.
You can do anything you want.
Anything you put your heart and your mind into.
I believe that.
Um, I'll be right back. Do you want anything from the kitchen or anything?
No, thanks. Okay.
"Someday my wish is for him to hold me in his arms...
"in a sea of deep blue.
Together at last, together as two."
Oh, that's beautiful.
I didn't know you were a poet. No one knows.
Thank you for trusting me with these.
Let's Just keep it between us, okay?
For life or longer? Promise?
Promise. But you should be proud of it. You're talented.
And you're drenched.
You really like this? Yeah, I do, but you're missing one big essential.
You're sure? Yeah!
What am I missing?
I'd like to see those, please.
Aw! Very cool.
How much are they? Don't worry about it. They're on me.
I'm starting to get nervous now.
Okay. Bye, Cindy. Bye-bye.
Good to see you, honey.
I can't believe you won't tell me where we're going.
What are we doing? Horseback riding? Mm-mm.
A picnic? Nope.
Since it's our last official date, I thought we could check out one of my favorite places.
Well, what's in the box? You'll find out.
Okay. Trust me! It'll be fun.
Okay, let me guess. Are we out of gas?
Come on, Ronald. I thought we outlawed this kind of stuff.
Follow me. Wait a second. You're nuts.
I mean, I don't usually scale walls on dates.
You can do it. Of course, I can do it.
I've heard about this place.
The airplane junkyard.
This is the real history.
Not the stuff we memorize in books.
Are these real bullet holes right here? Yep!
The Navy found this one last year off the coast of Japan.
They did a corrosion study on it.
After 40 years at the bottom of the ocean... this is all that rusted.
Our grandparents sure knew how to make things that last.
How do you know all this stuff?
Well, the pilot who ditched it in 1944?
He came back a few weeks ago to take a look at this.
He stood here and looked at this thing the whole day.
God. There are mountains up there.
And valleys, canyons and plains.
What's that thing, um, up there that looks like a star sapphire?
What's that? Tycho.
An asteroid crashed there and broke the moon.
Broke the moon? Yeah.
It made a crack in the moon a hundred times the size of the Grand Canyon.
On the right is the Sea of Tranquility.
The first spaceship from Earth landed there the day I was born.
That's why you're so into astrology, right?
It's just... up there... is our future world.
By the time I'm my dad's age, people will be living there and working.
Maybe even us.
The moon. It looks different now.
It's not as mysterious or romantic.
I'm sorry I ruined it for you.
You didn't ruin it. You Just changed it, I guess.
Um, there's something really important we need to discuss.
I was wondering when you'd bring this up.
I'm new at all this. I'm gonna have to rely on your experience.
Well, let's Just do it naturally.
You know? With no planning.
How do we do it? Our official breaking up tomorrow?
Right. That's exactly what I was thinking about. The breakup.
Us ending our fake relationship.
I mean, I don't even know whoever believed it.
Us going out? You, me? Yeah, right.
Yeah, it does seem kind of unrealistic.
Okay, so, how shall we do it?
Stage a big fight? A lovers' quarrel?
No, we don't have anything to fight about.
Oh, that's okay. We can make something up. Let's see... What do people fight about?
Well, we wouldn't want to damage your reputation.
Reputation? I think a small, dignified ceremony... is probably the best way... Me?
To end it. With a reputation. Whoo! Yeah!
I can't believe this. A reputation.
Thank you, Cindy. Have a good night now.
Whoo! j& I got a reputation, baby j&
Oh, I'm gonna be late.
So how do you do it?
Yeah. There you go.
Oh, I'm gonna be late.
Um, I did a little thinking about last night, Mm-hmm.
And I think that now is the time that we had our little talk.
About what? Us. You know, me.
Well, um, I did a little thinking too!
No, actually! I did quite a bit of thinking!
And I decided that you're breaking me. What?
Broke. Bankrupt. Chapter 11.
What are you talking about?
This. I'm dry.
Hey, I can't keep up with you. I'm not a bank.
They love it. Would you stop it, please?
This isn't dignified. Dignified?
For one month you draped all over me like a cheap fucking suit!
Now I'm not dignified? This is not necessary.
Would you show some maturity?
Like your precious Bobby?
Yeah. Well, if I was as mature as him, I probably wouldn't have called you either.
I'm tired of you comparing me to Bobby, and, in fact, I'm tired of you.
Poor Cindy. It's awful the way Ronnie annihilated her.
I know. I mean, I don't know what she ever saw in him.
He's such a... such a heartbreaker. Yeah. That's it.
The Ronster, man. You're one badass dude. Hey, listen.
You don't mind if I try to get tired of Cindy now that you're finished with her, do you?
No. Loved it, baby.
That was a great act this morning.
That slap was so real. We are talking Oscar nomination.
Mmm. Yeah, well...
We gave 'em a good show.
The audience loved it.
Oh, what an excellent four weeks.
Your friends really took to me, all because of you.
Ronnie, it was like a Job.
I mean, you bailed me, and I pretended to like you.
And I was only honoring our rental contract. Yeah, well, it worked.
Geez. Popularity sure beats being treated like a social leper. Let me tell ya.
Popularity isn't perfect.
I mean, it almost feels like a job sometimes.
Do you remember that suede outfit that I wore?
Yeah. Yeah, well, that was me trying to impress people.
I have to work at it. So does everybody else.
It's to keep your poetry in.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Ronald... whatever happens with the popularity thing, you know...
Don't change to please them.
Me change? Tsk. Never.
That's right. I'm here! Ha, ha!
Feelin' good. Hey, babies. How ya doin', man?
Good to see ya.
Oh, ladies, you look beautiful. Oh, Ronnie!
That's right. Mom, Dad, send money, please. I'm broke.
Hey, man, good to see ya. Good to see ya.
Good to see ya. Good to see ya. Ow!
All I'm asking for is one date. No!
Oh, ladies! You're lookin' fine this A.M.
Thanks, Ronnie. Lookin' rather tasty yourself.
Ooh. I love your hair.
It's so... so saturated.
It's nothin' maJor, just a little mousse. Yeah, 42 gallons.
You're taking me to Scoops Saturday night. Saturday night?
Yeah. Yeah, I believe I have that evening liberated.
Wonderful. I hope so.
Ronnie, this is gonna be tougher than I thought. I'm gonna need your advice.
Barbara, I was gonna ask him out! Relax, Pats.
It's only October. Yeah, right!
Wait for me!
How about some tunes?
Your dad sell aluminum siding? No, he's the president of Tic Tac Tiles. Why?
This car sort of reminds me of my granddad's.
So how come you asked me out?
You went out with Cindy. She is Cindy Mancini.
You can't argue with that logic.
Come on, Cathy. Let's take it back to my place.
Hey, look, there's Ronald in his dad's Chrysler.
Good evening, gentlemen.
I... I love station wagons.
You may like it, but once the Cools see that car... they're gonna remember who he is. Yeah!
This is an interesting mode of transport. Sort of, uh, antiquated, like.
Yeah, I call it my, um, undercover car.
Oh, you snake. Don't be shifty with the boys. This car's perfect.
Complete with plush blanket. That's strategy, my man. All right.
What'd ya say? This ain't just a car, man.
This is an unleaded love machine.
Bet you could make some, uh, sweet sweat back there, huh, Barb?
Hey, no complaints outta me.
Yeah, those Jocks sure have great taste in cars, huh?
Shut up, Lester. You shut up.
I just don't get it.
I propose we look for a new fourth. Guess so.
Uh-oh. I know that look.
Oh! Okay, now, hold your fire.
Big John, nobody's into toxic waste.
You guys are so into bodily functions!
I mean, it's not like that takes any skill.
Oh, I don't know. For him, it's like an art form.
Oh, that's a real pleasant thought, Ronnie. Oh, come on. We're guys.
Oh, yo, Pats, keep an eye on my guy. I gotta hit the little girl's room.
All right. Hurry up.
Guess what. What?
You're taking me to the Columbus Day Dance on the 16th.
I am? Yep.
Well, what about Barbara? I thought she was your best friend.
Well, she is. But, I mean, you know.
Friends share their stuff with friends. You know what I mean?
Sure, friend. No problem.
I bet you're a really sexy dancer.
Oh, yes, you won that wager. I have moves that defy the laws of gravity.
Ooh, I'll bet you do.
I'll see you later, okay?
So... how was he?
Hmph. Wouldn't you like to know?
Don't worry. I will.
I bet you're a really sexy dancer.
Oh, come on. Watch this. I bet he'll kick him.
Chuck? Chuck, I need the TV for a few minutes.
Oh, Chuck, I Just need to see the end of American Bandstand.
Please, Chuck, I'm beggin' ya.
What we have here is something I Just learned called the law of supply and demand.
I shall supply you this remote control, but I'm going to demand, say, uh, 2 bucks.
Wrong! That is not how the Economic Theory works.
Look, I learned it in seventh grade, not Harvard.
Okay, let me give you the Theory of Relativity.
Either you put on Bandstand now, or I have one less relative.
I'll put on Bandstand. Just for you.
My famous gourmet pop...
First screen shaves...
Spotlight dance. Ultra New Wave music.
He's watchin' American Bandstand.
I'm talkin' cheerleaders, football players, local socialites.
He's not even associating with Kenneth anymore.
Come on, Chuckie. I think it's groovy that he's makin' new friends.
He's allowed to have fun. He is?
And, besides, I was talkin' to Ma, Dad. Oh, honey.
It's like the dude's not weird anymore.
Now that ain't Dick Clark.
We thank our two exchange students from Lower Swahili, Charles Kibangi and Sandy Ubuki, for recreating the African anteater ritual... here on PBS African Cultural Hour.
African Cultural Hour?
Ow! j& Though she's trading favors When she tells me I believe her now j&
Wow. Let me see you really quick. j& Mm-hmm j&
Hey, let's go dance! In a minute, babe.
You know, I don't quite feel it yet with this tune. That's cool. All right. j& Oh, but she's an actress j& j& Actress j& j& And I don't believe her, no j& j& But she's an actress j& j& Actress j& j& I don't believe her j& j& Believe her j& j& Believe her Believe her j&
Here you go. Thanks.
That's a buck apiece, guys.
Kenneth, this is your big idea. Why don't you pay for this?
Come on, you guys.
j& Oh, baby j& j& You know Just what to do... j&
So do you work as hard off the field as you do on?
Well, uh, I did letter in three indoor sports.
What a wonderful group of young adults we have this year.
But I better check the bathrooms.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Hello, Ronald. Oh, hi, Mr. Webbly.
Let's mingle. Look, it's the nerd herd.
Ronnie, you're becoming a punchaholic.
Come on. Let's get out there and dance. I mean, this is a dance.
It's what we're here to do, right, is dance?
Come on, please. Let's get out there and boogie.
Let's dance! Wait for me!
j& Eyes with mystery, A lonely girl so alone j&
j& I've been living all my life j& j& To meet a girl like you j& j& I could touch you really nice j& j& While the fire came in the room j& j& All night, all night j&
What a spaz. Oh, he must be in Special Ed. j& All night, all night j& j& Baby loves it all night j& j& Angel in the light j& j& Dancin' right beside me j&
But if the Ronster's doin' it, it must be new. j& So strong j& j& I've been waiting all my life j& j& Wanting a girl like you j& j& I could touch you many nights j& j& While fire surrounds the moon j& j& All night, all night j& j& Baby loves it all night j&
Try it! j& All night, all night j& j& Baby loves it all night j& j& Ooh, ooh, ooh... ohh j&
Ow! j& While fire surrounds the moon j&
Hey! It's the African anteater ritual!
Oh, I had a great time. Out of sight.
Hey, that dance was pretty severe there.
Yeah, where'd you get those hot moves?
I have friends in exotic places. Oh, yeah, like where?
I'll be right back. Rio?
Paris? No, really exotic. Beautiful downtown Burbank.
Cind, babe! Here you go.
Look, the name is Cindy, and don't call me "Babe".
Just wanted to say hello. Then Just say it!
Why don't you get tranquil? I was Just tryin' to be friendly.
Why don't you be friendly with your flock, okay?
I owe all my friends to you. Ha! Like I really want credit for this.
I mean, your disciples are making fools of themselves.
I mean, I've seen zombies with more individuality.
Yeah, like your college boy. What's his name? Biff?
Don't give me that. His name happens to be Brent.
There's a difference?
j& Take your lover by the hand Speak in tongues and understand j& j& Ahhh j&
Alone at last. j& French kissin' in the U.S.A. j&
Hi, friend. Hi.
You're awfully far away.
So, tell me... are, um... are you into long-distance relationships?
Then why don't you reach out and touch someone?
I happen to know that in the whole school... there's only one other tittie quite this pretty.
And this is it.
Yep! That's it.
I bet you've never seen two like these before.
Well, my parents do have cable.
Oh, they do, do they? Mm-hmm.
Mmm. Don't you want to touch me? Oh!
Oh! Wow! I can't believe this.
Seventeen years, three months and five days.
That's a long time to wait for some tit.
Without an atmosphere... the Earth would be a far different place.
It might look like the moon.
Our exploration of the moon showed us that it is nearly a dead planet today.
But it provided one very important piece of information...
I haven't seen or heard from you in three weeks.
I'm not a mutant, Ron. I realize I may be obsolete... in your new world, but I'm not dead.
We know now that the moon, as well as all the other bodies in the solar system... were heavily bombarded in their first billion years.
Then about three and a half billion years ago...
This bombardment slowed to a bare trickle as most of the solid chunk...
You got it there, son?
Whoa, oh, oh, Ronald! No mischief tonight.
Now the police are really crackin' down this year.
Oh, Dad, come on. Have a little faith.
All right, we set up there? Yep.
Check it out. We got spoilt tomatoes...
Yeah. rotten eggs and the pièce de résistance.
The shitbomb! Ha! Human feces?
No, doggy doo. But it's Just as efficient, bro. Here, sniff.
Ah, sniff this... God! Hey, Ronnie.
Here you go. Whose house are we doin'?
Ah, dig, classic, man.
We have done the same house 4 years in a row.
It's like tradition now, huh, Ricky? You know it!
And yours, son, is the most important mission.
Drop that net on any punk that gets near our front door.
I'm gonna personally deliver one of them to the police.
So I was telling you, you know, this guy is, like, totally rad.
Excuse me. Ronnie said that you said that friends share, Patty.
You've had him two weeks... You mean, she's attacked him for two weeks.
Whoa, wait a minute! First of all, if I recall correctly... you still have Bobby.
Secondly, you quit Ronnie, so that makes him public property.
You guys, that's real romantic. I mean, he sounds like a restroom.
First of all, I don't have Bobby.
And secondly, I didn't think that my best friends... would be draped all over him like a cheap...
Why not, Cin? He's cute, sweet.
Oh, come on, you guys. A lady never talks.
Yeah, next time I see one, I'll remember that.
You're sick! There's the target.
Oh, shit. Y-You know... I know a better house.
It's not very far from here. It's right down this street.
Our senior year... Our last mission.
The final shitbomb.
It's tradition and shit. Let's go! Go on!
Listen up. We divert 'em on each flank, and you shitbomb the front door.
No! I won't do it! I told you he wouldn't do it!
You're still a nerd, huh? Give me the shit!
No! I'll do it. Come on!
I don't want to do this!
Do it now!
Come on, Ronnie! Throw it, Ronnie!
Throw it! Come on. Throw it!
Come on! Shit.
Yeah! Bull's-eye! Whoo-hoo!
I got one! I'm comin'!
No, you're not! Keep him pinned down!
Come on, Big John! Keep him down!
Ronnie, let's go! Come on!
Get the hell out of there!
Come on, John! Yeahhh! Let's get outta here, man!
You hold the little bastard!
Come on. Let's go! Whoo-hoo!
There must've been a hole in the net.
We'll get 'em next year.
I don't think he'll be back.
This is a fine looking bird, Judy.
This is what got me an "A" in French class.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Let's see yours, sibling.
Ahh... I didn't get mine yet.
You're the only one from kindergarten through college who didn't.
You didn't get yours yet? Let me repeat!
I did not get mine yet! Relax.
There's no reason to raise your voice.
Back to nursery school.
Look, these are my friends, okay?
Say hello to your friends when you get me a chocolate milkshake, extra thick.
What? Read my lips.
Chocolate milkshake, extra thick.
Two C's, three B's and one A.
MaJor improvement, Chuckie.
Oh, yeah. Big deal. Three B's and two C's?
I've been getting straight A's since birth.
So everybody doubts the whereabouts of my report card. That's real fair.
Nobody doubts you. You said you didn't get it yet. And I didn't!
It's Just parental concern. See, here is the primate example.
You're raising a doll-chopping homicidal maniac, and what do you do every time you see him?
You give him money.
Chilling! Shut up, Chuck.
I was talkin' to Ma, Dad. Shut up, Chuck!
Here's your shake.
I said thick! This isn't thick!
Oh, well, let me check the consistency.
Looks thick to me.
What are you doing home?
I thought you had a date with Rock.
Well... I figured I had enough turkey for one day.
Me too. Tsk.
There's a good movie on TV.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
All right, let's make it a date. Oh, sweetheart.
I love you. I love you too, Mom.
Let me explain. I took it long enough.
Will you talk to me, dammit?
Well, have it your way, psycho, but you ain't invited.
Invited to what, man? What are you talking about?
My house. New Year's Day? A party, man?
Bowl games, salami, cheesecake... Yeah!
If I can recover from my party, book me a couch.
You got it! Book me a bed.
We have a lot of fun.
Somebody wants your ass bad, man. Who is it?
Long time no talk, huh? Yeah, I been kind of busy.
Yeah, well, that's popularity. It's real time-consuming.
Um... I was thinking that maybe sometime you and I could go to the airplane graveyard?
You're not under any contractual obligation to me anymore.
I wrote a new poem. It's called "Broken Moon."
Um, it starts... Why don't you save it for your college boy?
I wrote it for you.
You ignored the Donald Miller dork for 17 years.
Now you wanna ride on the Ronnie Miller express.
I don't wanna ride the Ronnie Miller anything.
Looks like you're the only one.
Oh, yeah, she's a big conquest. She's given more rides than Greyhound.
Well, at least her ticket won't cost me a thousand bucks.
Hi, Ronnie. Excuse me.
Happy New Year, pal.
Happy New Year, man. Have a beer.
Clark County! Big John!
Quinton is in! Let the fun begin!
God, you're an asshole, man.
Hey, powerful punch, Barbs. I haven't poured the punch in yet.
Cindy, that's straight vodka. All right.
Great outfit. I asked my mom if I could use it and she said yes.
Ah, progressive concept. We make a great couple, me and my outfit.
Oh. Sorry Bobby couldn't come home for the holidays.
You must really miss him.
I've learned to appreciate the finer things in life. I even travel with my own wine.
You never know the quality you may encounter at a soiree.
Mm-hmm. I'm into class. It's my new thing.
Oh, whoops. Sorry.
So sorry. So dumb. I'm so wasted.
Oh... I am so wasted. Lie down. Just for a second.
Hey, we're closed for the holidays!
God. Hey, take it easy, guys. Close it, please!
Oh, Ronnie, I'm so happy...
I'm going out with the hottest guy in school.
Oh, I am hot. Face it, Ronnie. You're "it" right now.
Oh... I'm "it", and that's why you're with me.
No. You won't respect me.
I respect you. Immensely.
You do? I do.
"This summer, my wish is for you to hold me...
"in your arms...
"in a sea of deep blue...
"together at last, together... as two." Oh, Ronnie.
Damn, Bobby, what are you doin' here? It's New Year's. j& From the walls of Tokyo I've come to London town to go j&
So, Ricky and John tell me you're a connoisseur of fine wines.
No shit? Are you new here?
Uh-huh. I Just transferred.
Thanks, man. I owe you one. j& And I'm dancin' with myself... Oh, oh j&
Hey, you guys! It's 11:27.
33 more minutes! Whoo! Yeah!
Ronnie! Iris! Come here. Have a brew. j& Dancin' with myself... Oh, oh j&
To true friends... and a wild lady.
The only way to fly. I'll drink to that. j& But your empty eyes Seem to pass me by j&
Check it out, Bobby. j& So let's sink another drink 'Cause it'll give me time to think j&
The man. The mick. What's happenin'? Quinton.
Who's Iris' latest victim?
Oh, you got it backwards, Bobby. He's victimizing her. j& Dancin' with myself j&
Ronnie Miller's nailed every wench in school. Ronald Miller?
He couldn't get nailed in wood shop.
Well, the man has reached legendary status this year, bro.
You ain't a legend 'til you score the captain of the cheerleaders. j& Ooohhhh... Ooowwww j&
Come on. I don't buy it.
Hey, no freakin' way!
Come on, Quint! Don't even think of holdin' out on me... or I'll kill you.
j& Well, I looked all over the world j& j& And there's every type of girl j&
Bobby! j& Leave me dancin' with myself So let's sink another drink j&
Hi! How are you? j& 'Cause it'll give me time to think If I had a chance...j&
John. John. Go get 'im.
Cindy and Bobby's relationship is so totally together.
He's a lawn boy. He makes 35 cents an hour.
Listen up, dude. The shit's gonna hit the fan.
Listen! I'm not gonna put up with it!
We were faking, okay? Bullshit!
No, it was an act. Bobby, he paid me!
Then that makes you a prostitute! j& Oh, oh, oh-ohh j& j& Oh, oh, oh-ohh j& You! j& Oh, oh, oh-ohh Dancin' with myself j& j& Oh, oh, oh-ohh Oh, my room's all wet with my sweat... j&
Even Bobby thinks we went out. Great, huh? Ha!
All of you thought we were a couple. What a joke!
Ronald Miller paid me 1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him.
What a deal, huh?
$1,000 to go out with him for a month. This guy.
Oh, God. He bought me.
And he bought all of you.
He was sick and tired of being a nobody.
Yeah, and he said that all of you guys would worship him if we went out.
And I didn't believe that. I was, like, no way!
And he was right! No, leave me alone.
He was right. Our little plan worked, didn't it, Ronald?
The dance. That stupid dance!
What a bunch of followers you guys are.
I mean, at least I got...
At least I got paid.
Get out of my house.
Uh... Yeah. We'll clear everything up tomorrow.
Everything is cool, really.
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Excuse me. Good night now. Excuse me.
You ready to go?
Um... I don't know you. You sure knew me earlier.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Happy New Year.
Hey, it could be worse. We could be alone like that poor guy.
Ronald Miller... Ugh! So, anyways...
Damn, bro. He's in Siberia.
I know, man. The mutants over there won't even go near him.
You know, I knew he was scamming us all along.
He went from, like, totally chic to totally geek.
Look at that. He's been banished!
He should have known that our kind won't mix with their kind...
"Our kind? Their kind?" That's B.S.
He may be a moral leper now, but he had the fast lane for four months.
Yeah, that's a good point. $250 a month for those cheerleaders...
Isn't an unwise investment. Yeah?
Check this out, guys. You're gonna love this.
Direct hit. Yow!
Didn't you take economics? You could've had me for $49.95.
It's the nerd-mobile.
Yeah, right... on automatic pilot.
Like we're not supposed to know who's spying on us... in the spaz-mobile.
I could've sworn that a couple of girls I knew got very comfortable in that spaz-mobile.
Okay, this is my high score.
Dave, you can beat me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You could at least acknowledge my existence.
You think this is easy for me?
I know I was an asshole to you and to thousands of others.
But, Kenneth... Kenneth, it's you I gotta straighten this out with.
You shit on my house, man! I know.
Kenneth... You shit on my house!
You shit on my house.
I know, Kenneth.
The quiz will cover every muscle from the levator scapula... to the spinalis thoracis.
T... U... C... It will consist of Fifteen multiple choices and five mini-essays.
S... O... N. Your score will then account...
T... U... C... S... O... N. for 20% of your final grade.
I'm sorry about having to come in here.
But I have to talk to you.
I realize what a jerk I became.
All I ever did was think about you, dream about being part of your life.
And then I got that stupid idea.
And I let it turn me into something I'm not.
You sure did, sicko pervert! I remember you from the dance.
You morally depraved psycho! Ow!
Detention... one month!
Becky, will you please hand me that other one?
You nuked my brother. What?
You took him from geek status to king status to no status.
Chuckie Miller, right?
He's resorted to sending his messenger boy?
"Boy?" I see no boy here!
You think you shut me up?
I didn't? Well, let me try again.
The babe said it was good for my complexion.
There's a call for you on my line. Somebody named Donald.
I don't know anybody named Donald.
Tell him I'm out of the country or something. Okay.
I know she's in the country, Mrs. Mancini. I saw her today.
Well, my daughter doesn't know anyone named...
Ronald, is that you?
Why did you say your name was Donald?
Uh... I guess I made a mistake. Bye-bye.
Mom, what'd he say?
First, he's a geek.
And then you start going out with him. And then he's a geek again.
Honey, I don't know what a geek is.
I guess, at the present time, a geek is Ronald Miller.
Who says? Hmm?
Oh, my God!
Would you stop it?
Stop it! The neighbors, man!
Listen, all right? Hold on! Just turn it off!
My mother was calling the police, until I told her you had a chemical imbalance... and you are seeking psychiatric help!
I need to talk to you. Fine.
Every time I called, you were either taking a bath, washing your hair.
Or you were out of the country. That was a good one, by the way.
I tried to get you alone at school, but I got a month's detention.
Yeah, you're very big in bathrooms, aren't you?
Cindy, Just hear me out. And then I'll leave you alone. Okay?
Oh! You t... You demolished me New Year's Eve.
But see... I realized you did me a favor. You brought me back to reality.
All I ever wanted to do was get close to you.
And then, when I finally got there, it wasn't me anymore.
Cindy... Oh, Cindy.
I was Just hoping we could sort this out, you know?
The real me and the real you. That's all.
But not at 6:00 in the morning. Okay.
I'll come back at 11:00.
I'll be washing my hair... out of the country.
That's my favorite one.
Tell your mom I'm sorry.
Is that right?
Good Job. Really? Oh, my God!
What's happening, guys? Hey, nerd alert, man. He's in our quadrant, too.
Kenneth Wurman with Patty? No way!
Thanks so much! I swear, I don't know what I would have done without you. Really.
No problem. J-Just, uh, take your time and follow the steps.
Kenneth "Worm Man" is trying to pull a Ronald McDonald Miller scam on us.
He's probably trying to pay her off. Relax, man. He's harmless.
I'm sending him back to the minor leagues.
Be cool, man. Hey, calm down.
Oh, man. He's gonna make a fool of himself.
Hey, what do you think you're doing over here, twimp? H-Helping her with some math.
No, bullshit. You're trying to pull a Ronald Miller scam. A what?
You better get back to your own side, or I'm gonna send you back to Geeksville in a milk carton!
Would you guys do something?
Oh, return of the living dread. Why don't you lay off?
Why don't you go back where you belong, hosehead? Take your hands off Kenneth.
Or I'll break your arm. Your pitching arm!
Oh yeah? Well, don't make me laugh, lawn boy.
You broke your arm once before, remember?
You fell out of our tree house. Kenneth picked you up... and we carried you 12 blocks to the hospital. Yeah, you cried all the way.
We were all friends then, remember?
And now you want to end his life... because he's talking to Patty on your side of the cafeteria.
Oh, man, that's stupid. I know, 'cause that's where I wanted to be.
On your side, with your crowd. But I messed up.
See, I tried to buy my way in.
But Kenneth... he's not trying to buy anybody.
He's Just trying to make friends. Being himself.
"Cools," "Nerds," "Your side," "My side."
Man, it's all bullshit. It's just tough enough to be yourself.
It's all right.
Sorry. It's okay.
This should cover it.
I saw a crack in the moon last night.
Yeah, me too.
Come on. Let's go.
I gotta go, okay? Yeah.
See ya. Bye-bye.
All right! Take a chance! Whoo-hoo!
Go for it! Donald!
Let's go. Yeah. Now, hang on.
Okay, let's get this deal straight one last time.
Now, you can have Saturday nights, but only if you ask me in advance.
Okay, I'm asking you in advance. Will you go to the prom with me?
Not if you do that stupid dance.
Okay, how about kissing? Yeah, it's important.
Oh, it's a must. Definitely. j& Can't buy me love j& j& Love j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend j& j& If it makes you feel all right j& j& I'll get you anything my friend j& j& If it makes you feel all right j& j& 'Cause I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& I'll give you all I've got to give j& j& If you say you'll love me too j& j& I may not have a lot to give j& j& But what I got I'll give to you j& j& I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& Everybody tells me so j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& No, no, no... no j& j& Say you don't need no diamond rings j& j& And I'll be satisfied j& j& Tell me that you want the kind of things j& j& That money just can't buy j& j& I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& Owwww j&
j& Can't buy me love j& j& Everybody tells me so j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& No, no, no... no j& j& Say you don't need no diamond rings j& j& And I'll be satisfied j& j& Tell me that you want the kind of things j& j& That money just can't buy j& j& I don't care too much for money j& j& Money can't buy me love j& j& Can't buy me love j& j& Love j& j& Can't buy me love j&