Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017) Script

Dreamworks Animation presents...

In association with...

Tree House Comix, Inc.!

Inc., Inc., Inc.

All right, okay. So.

A long, long, hang, tong time ago... in a galaxy far, faraway... there was a planet called Underpantyworld.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, go.

That's perfect. That's perfect. Okay.

Underpantyworld was a peaceful planet where everybody wore only underwear.

Until it started to blow up for some reason.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Da-da.

Meanwhile, the leaders of Underpantyworld...

Big Daddy Longiohns and his wife, Princess Pantyhose... saved their baby by stretching his underwear really far... and then they shot him into space.

Godspeed, little Underpants.

Wheel Wheel And then he crashed on Earth, where he was raised by some nice...


Yeah, dolphins. Just go with it.

Okay, fine.

Goo-goo, gah-gah.


But the space baby grew up fast.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird! It's a plane!

It's an egg salad sandwich.

And guess what? I'm rotten.

Faster than a speeding waistband.

More powerful than boxer shorts. Yay!

You'll never catch me, Captain Underpants.


Able to leap tall buildings without getting a wedgie.

Hey, all right. Good for you, pal.

Now put on some clothes, you weirdo.

No way.

I fight for truth, justice, and all that is pre-shrunk and cottony.

For I am...

Captain Underpants!

The origin issue.

It's so good. We should've done an origin issue ages ago.

Yeah, like, first.

You know, I'm not sure about the dolphins, though.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

I didn't know if it was the thing where it's, like, good weird or bad weird.

Like, is it something...

The origin issue!

I've told you two a thousand times not to draw these idiotic comics!


Hey, everybody! Wait one second.

Hi. I'm George Beard.

And this is my best friend, Harold Hutchins.

Hey. Ah, man.

It's okay. We got more ideas.

See, Harold loves to draw and I love to tell stories.

And this old guy looking angry right here... well, this is the worst principal in the world...

Mr. Krupp.

Mean old Mr. Krupp.

Hates anything fun.

Like comic books... recess...


Ho, ho, whoa!

Even kittens!

Oh, my goodness. Did that really happen?

Uh, no, not technically.

But it might as well have!

I'm sorry. I'm still mad about the comic.

Yeah, me too.

And unfreeze.

In my office, now!

What is happening right now?

I don't know.

Do you think he fell asleep with his eyes open?

Maybe. Let's try and leave and see what happens.

Door lock activated.

Wow. That's an expensive door.

It was a choice between the magnetic automatic door closer... and the music and arts programs.

Pretty sure I made the right choice.

This morning's school sign is supposed to read...

"Sewage plant field trips are today."

So can either of you explain why it now reads...

"Come see my hairy armpits?"

I know you two are responsible.

How? How do you know?

Do you have any proof?

I mean, this is a country of laws.

The proof is here.

Inside my gut.

He must have a lot of proof in there.

Quiet fives. Quiet fives.


Ever since you attended this elementary school... you've been responsible for one prank after another.


Wow, that's a lot of pranks.

Yeah, when it's cut all together like that, you really get a sense of the scope.

Some of those must've been really hard to pull off.

And dangerous. Like that tiger'

Oh, that tiger was crazy.

For four long years... you two have been disrupting the carefully calibrated, drone-like beehive... that this elementary school is supposed to be.

I may not be able to prove it yet... but I'm gonna get you two one day.

One day very, very soon.

All right. Fair enough.

Get out of my office. Now!

You see what we're up against?

And that's just a typical day at Jerome Horwitz Elementary.

More like Jerome Horwitz Penitentiary.

Hey, guys-

What's going on, Tommy?

Same old, same old.

Poor kid.

Time to have fun with history.

Memorize these dates.


First graders. Always hits them the hardest.

Hold on a sec.

So that's why we do what we do.

He's left us no choice.

Our pranks and practical jokes are the last line of defense... against the injustice of our terrible principal.

Well, well, well.

I heard you both got into a bit of the old trouble today.

How'd you hear that, Melvin?

Did you tattle-tale on us?

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

I did.

Someone has to stand up for the Man.

No one has to stand up for the Man.

That's the whole point of the Man.

He stands up for himself, Melvin.

Respectfully disagree.

Attention, everyone.

Principal Krupp here with an announcement.

This Saturday ts the mandatory Invention Convention.

Boo! Oh, what?


That's our third Saturday this month!

You must he here with your inventions at 8:00 am.

Is there no justice?

I know that's early for Saturday, but don't worry.

You should be done by 9:00...


Tree house?

Tree house.

Welcome to the world headquarters of Tree House Comix, Inc.

Yep. This is where the magic happens.

Not, like, actual magic.

No, we're not practicing the dark arts.

No, here we just hang out and make comics and try to make each other laugh.

That's how we became friends.

This is me in kindygarten.

And this is me.

George and I aren't friends yet.

But we're about to be.

The seventh planet from the sun is called...


Scientists refer to Uranus...

Your anus.

As one of the planets...

I know.

Known as a gas giant.

I don't get it. It's just science, guys.

As I was saying...

Hey, I'm George. You wanna hang out in my tree house after school?

You have a tree house?

Ever since then, we've created hundreds of comics in here.

Like the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman.

And who could forget Sad Worm?

It was a worm who was sad.

That one's still a work in progress.

But the all-time greatest superhero that we've ever created was...

The Amazing Captain Underpants.

See, most superheroes look like they're flying around in their underwear.

Well, this guy actually does.

Come on, let's get to work.

Hey, tell me what you think.

Oh, I can't wait to draw this.


Wait, wait. Don't move, don't move.

Mr. Hutchins, I gotta say... your drawings get better with every issue.

Because your words inspire greatness, Mr. Beard.

Good night, Harold.

Good night, George.

I love Saturday When anything is possible I love Saturday

'Cause I can wear my pajamas ail at! day I love Saturday

'Cause I can watch TV all day Day I can pee a little bit in my underwear And no one will mind Where are you going with that? Do you really do that?

No. What are you talking...

It's just something I could do because...

Monday's an eternity away

when it is Saturday Saturday Get in the car, boys.

You've got the Invention Convention today.

This thing on?

Quick announcement.

Our science teacher, Mr. Fyde, is no longer with us.

He's dead?

What? No. Not like that.

He wanted to spend Saturday with his family.

So I fired him.

I'll find a replacement next week.

Ahem! Anyway.'- on to Melvin Sneedly with the first of his 16...

Actually, it's 17.

17 inventions.

Take it away, Melvin.

I will now demonstrate a prototype which I call... the Robotic Sock Matcher.

Never waste time matching your own socks again.

The Electromagnetic Lint Collector.

Digital Paper Sorter.

It's the homework... Automatic cushion.

Make it end!

And the personal favorite, the binder binder.

Having trouble organizing your binders?

Well, look no further than this giant binder... for binders.

Three-hole punch...

This is the stuff of nightmares.

We have to do something about this.

I don't know. Krupp looks serious this time, George.

Maybe we should just lay low for a while.

Lay low? Look at our fellow children.

Look upon their sad, miserable, pathetic faces.

Come on, Harold.

If you won't do it for me and you won't do it for you... do it for future generations.

Save the first graders... the kindygarteners, the unborn... from a life of eternal boredom!

Okay, let's do this.

Feast your eyes on this.

The Turbo Toilet 20001.!

Check it out, people.

It's already programmed with my persona! potty playlist.


Oh, samba!

Once you're done using the facilities... hit the button and let my toilet wash itself.

Now included, automatic toilet paper wiping claw.



I said no!

Huh? Oh...

Melvin, turn that thing off.

I'm trying to, but it's not cooperating.

Best. Prank.


Well, that brings our story to its happy conclusion.

I hope you've all enjoyed the film.

It was certainly shorter than we expected.

What more is there to say?

Our fellow students got to enjoy their weekend.

Which, by the way, they are legally entitled to.

And good triumphed over evil once and for...

Oh, boys! A moment, please.

What's happening to his face?

I think he's smiling.

I'm so cold.

So, so cold.

I'll let myself in, receptionist lady.


What's he doing here?

You see, Melvin is yet to demonstrate... his most impressive invention from today.

It was a little extracurricular project I asked him to come up with myself.

I call him the Tattle Turtle 200.

On the outside, it resembles a turtle.

But on the inside, oh, look at this.

It's a nanny cam!

Oh, Melvin. How fun.

Let's see what it recorded.

Yeah, you gotta change the input to video.

I think I got this.

You're on AUX. Change it to video.

It's not my TV.

It's your turtle. You're doing it wrong.

I know.

I think I know how to do my office.


Is this two-ply or one-WI?

We're so guilty.

Quiet fives. Quiet fives.

Wow, that nanny cam really has good picture quality.

Was that hi-def?

'Cause you could really tell that's us.

I can't believe it. I gotcha.

I finally gotcha!

We've finally got them, sir.

Yes, yes. Well done, Melvin.

Extra credit granted.

Put that in my pocket.

Extra credit, it feels so good!

I go! extra credit I told you I would get you one day.

And that day I was talking about is this day.

Today. This is the day.

Are you going to tell our parents?

No. Your parents are obviously total failures.

I have a much more effective punishment in mind.

Because I'm going to have you two placed in separate... classes.

I'm going to annihilate your friendship.

What? No!

You see? You won't be together.

You won't be able to enjoy each other's company and ruin my life.

Mr. Krupp, no. You can't do this. Please.

This is too much. I mean, even for you.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, boys.

Because come Monday...

Separate classes. Our friendship's over.

I'll never see you again in my life!

Hey, hey. Calm down.

It's not the end of the world.

We'll still be best friends.

Just way down the hall from each other.

What am I talking about? This is bad.

Long distance relationships never work!

This is just the beginning.

Imagine the future.

Friends separated... promising each other they'll remain besties.

But within months, we'll be awkwardly bumping into each other at the mall.

Hey, George.

Hey. Do I know you?

You'll have a weird haircut.

I'll be wearing a suit for some reason.

And before we know it, separate classes will lead to separate lives... which inevitably leads to robots.

What? Why are there robots at the mall?

Because this is the future! The future always has robots.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Why are the robots shooting other robots?

Aren't they supposed to be friends?

I don't know!

I'm the artist, you're the writer.

That's why we need each other.

Help! Fire!

Okay, you're right. No, you are right.

I mean, if we get put in separate classes, it's the end of the world as we know it.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

First thing Monday morning, we're getting that turtle.


Oh, is this a bad time?

I did not mean to interrupt the copying process.

I'll go.

Yes, go! Please go.

No, no. I'm just finishing up.

What brings you around here?

I just made this tuna casserole... and I noticed it had your name on it...

In jalapeño peppers.


It smells spicy.

Yep. Mmm-hmm.

That's 'cause it's been dry-aged for a week.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds very time-consuming.

It took a week.

Eww. They like each other.

Oh, no, George. I think it's much worse.

They like-like each other.

What are you talking about?

Adults don't like-like other adults.

Well, you probably haven't seen it at your home since your parents are married.

In my studies, like-liking seems to end with marriage.

Well, I should probably gel back to running the school.

You know, it's not gonna run itself.


Oh, Edith. Get your head out of the clouds.

Wait, Edith! You never gave me the tuna casserole.

I think he forgot the turtle.

Go, go, go-

That's important.

Great. What now?

Hello. If you would like the chance to win one billion dollars... Ooh.

Please hold for one of our representatives.

It's gotta be in here somewhere.


Whoa! What?

Everything Krupp ever confiscated from us.

Look at all that stuff.

Oh, dear old whoopee cushion.

You will sing once again.

Oh, my Super Duper Soaking Machine!

MY hypno-ring!

I never even got to take it out of the wrapper.


Look at this.

He's got every issue of Captain Underpants we've ever created.

You think he reads them?

I was kinda hoping that we appealed to a slightly cooler demographic.

Well, if it isn't George Beard and Harold Hutchins.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Is it perhaps this?

Oh, no.

Nice try.

Turtle and I have grown quite attached.

We're inseparable, actually.

I carry him wherever I go.

Including the shower!

Oh. Poor 'name.

Oh, what's this?

Why, it's the paperwork to separate you two.

It's really incredible.

I can actually see the end of your friendship.

And it ends right here.

On this dotted line.

George, do something.

Put the pen down, Mr. Krupp... or we'll hypnotize you.

What? What?

You said do something.

What is that?

Forged from the molten plastic of Shandong, China.

In the lowest floor of the darkest basement where only toy prizes dare be made... exists the most powerful item... ever to be found in a box of Frosted Sugar Doodles.

The hypno-ring.

Hypnotize me?

With that piece of plastic junk?

Does that really work?

What do you think? I got it out of a cereal box.

I'm warning you.

If you don't do what we say, you're gonna get really sleepy.

Oh, will I? I'll get sleepy?

With that thing pointing at me'?

It's not making me sleepy.

I'm not gonna get sleepy from...


What kind of plastic hokum is this?


What's happening? I don't know.

Why are we floating?

What was that?

I don't know.

I honestly didn't think that would happen.

Gotcha. You're safe now, little turtle.

When I snap my fingers, you will obey our every command.

Wait. How do you know this?

I don't know. I just say the first thing that comes to my mind with great authority.

You are now a chicken.

N worked!

He's a chicken.

Okay, let me try. Let me try.

You're a monkey.

Oh! Look at him, he's a monkey!

Come on.

You are now the greatest superhero of all time... the amazing Captain Underpants!


Captain Underpants? Is that really you?

Let's see.

Underpants, check.

Captain, also check.

I'm pretty sure I'm Captain Underpants.

It worked!

Which must make you my trusty sidekicks!


Fear not, this planet is safe under my watchful eye.

This is hilarious! This is amazing!

Let's see what's afoot.

Wait, no!

Well, that was invigorating.

We gotta stop him. Why?


Out of the road, bozo!

Why, thank you, vehicle person!


Yeah, we should probably go get him.

Captain Underpants, wait!

Oh! Ha-ha!

What is this?

Poor soul. You're trapped in some sort of invisible box-like prison.

What's that? I can't hear you.

But I see your tears.

Is it okay that I'm kinda loving this?

Yes and no. But mostly yes.

Fear not for I will set you free!

Ow! Ooh!

What is wrong with you?

Ah, that's better. I can hear you now.

Sorry, sorry. We're so sorry.

Okay, listen, let's not be punching people, though, because...

Hold n.

Here, let me help. Oh!

You're welcome, madam.

You know, we should probably get you back to the school before anything else...

Halt! What?

Do you sense that? No.

Well, of course you don't.

You're not a superhero like me.

Come, sidekicks. Evil lurks within!

Oh, no!

Where'd he go now?

To the sky!

You'd think a guy like him would be easy to find.

Found him.

Stand down, you giant ape monster!

Giant ape monster? What is he talking...

Your days of terrifying this town are over!

Mr. Krupp! I mean, Captain Underpants!

You can't actually fly!

Now I take to the sky... like an ostrich!

I gotcha!

We gotta do something.

I've got an idea.

Morning. Morning.

Oh, that is a lot of buttons.

Take that! Ah, cheap shot!

Ow! Right in the kisser!


Oh, hi, guys!

Wait! No!

Follow that gorilla!

Oh, you put up a good fight!

Yeah! You are so good at operating a crane, Harold.

I know! It's really not that hard.

Rest assured, citizens of this marvelous metropolis...

I will rid you of this menace any moment now!

Come on. Oh, come on, come on, come on.


Yes! Bravo!

Oh, no, no, no!

Let that be a lesson to evildoers everywhere.

Never underestimate the power of underwear!

Who the heck are you?

What the...

Wow! I can't believe we found a spot.

Oh, goodness. Grandpa, you did it again.

He's a sleepwalker.

Come on, pap pap, let's get you back into bed.

But what about all the other evil villains?

Well, don't worry about that.

There's no more evil villains around here.

A science teacher, hmm?

The perfect cover.

Chums! What an astounding headquarters.

Stuffed full of relics... all celebrating my interplanetary exploits!

Oh, this takes me back.

What are we gonna do? He can't just stay here.

We have to turn him back into Krupp.

I know, but can we just take a moment to acknowledge what's happening here please?

I mean, Captain Underpants is hanging out in our tree house!

Look at the cute little turtle.

Oh, he's so adorable.

Well, a hero's work is never done.

Now it is time to fly again!

No, no, no, no!

Where am I?

Where are my pants?

Oh, no! He's Krupp again.



That's it! Now we know what turns him hack and forth.

Turns who what?

Why am I soaking wet?

Cool. Hey.


Harold! Tra-Ia...

George! Laaa!

We should probably stop.

Yeah, we probably should.

Stop doing this! Tra-la...

I am Captain...

What are you doing?

Hello? Well, hello!

What's happening? Fear not!

Didn't know I could do this. Hey, sidekicks!

Tra! Hey! Heyo!


Okay, this is the street.

Come on, come on. We're almost there.

Evening. Evening.

Drop it. No, get off. Gimme! That's a bad dog.

We made it.


I wonder what horrors lie inside.

There's probably wild dogs in there.

Probably torture implements.

Rabid rats.

Brains in jars.

Jars of plucked-out eyeballs.

Bones of former students.

Why'd you scream?

I just assumed there'd be something scary... but it's actually a really nice place.

We probably shouldn't snoop around.

Yeah. Definitely not.

Come on.



Not So Cheery O's?

This guy's bumming me out.

I gotta say, this has not been the funnest snoop.

Yeah, no, totally. Really sad snoop.

Kinda regretting it, actually.

I sure hope we don't ever end up like him.

All alone.

It's impossible. That would never happen.

Yeah, yeah. That'll never happen.

Unless he puts us in separate classes.

Which will never happen.

It'll never happen. 'Cause we control him now.

And if ever gives us any trouble again, all we gotta do is snap our fingers... and "Tra-la-laa!"

All of our problems go away.

Oh, yeah


Even more beautiful

Hey, Tommy. What's going on?

Hey, guys-

Whoa! Cool shirts!

What are you two doing together?

I separated you.

No, you didn't.

What are you talking about?

I signed the paperwork. See?

I don't see a signature.

Harold, do you see a signature?

Not a thing.

I actually can't see a thing. These sunglasses are too dark.

What? I could have sworn I signed that thing.

No matter. There!

Officially separated.


What? Give me that. Tra-la-laaa!

See? Problem solved.


Greetings, citizens!

Quick, in here.

Okay, you know what?

These shirts were way premature.

Definitely. Come on.

Let's turn him back into Krupp.

We can't. He'll separate us, remember?

Yeah, well, we can't have him wandering around looking like that.

A triangle!

It dings!

Ah! Principal Krupp, you caught us again.

You better take us to your office for a good old talking-to.

Right? Principal Krupp?

Principal who?

Captain Underpants, get out here.

Sidekicks... are you sure my secret identity requires these... restricting, uncomfortable clothes?

Yes, positive.

100% positive. Now act like a principal.

Oh, right.

How does a principal act?



I'm a principal!

Oh, yeah. That's great.

Come on. We're almost there.

Oh, hello. Surprise.

It's Edith.

Did you like my tuna casserole?

I cannot lie.

I don't recall having your tuna casserole.

What? Oh.

But if your casserole is as striking as your one blue eye...

Oh, I didn't think you noticed.

Oh, my.

Two blue eyes.


Principal Krupp. It's time to go.

Gotta wrap it up.

Very well then.

Up, up, and...

And this way, sir.

Ooh! Flirt alert.


Wow, she's still on hold.

Phew! We made it.

Well, hello, citizen. What?

Oh, and hello to you, too.

I was just, like, admiring the view... from your broken window.

It's in the shape of a man.

Anyway, lam here to interview for the science teacher position.

Perfect. I'm disguised as an elementary school principal.

Guys, I totally got this.

Don't worry one bit.

Now, where did I put that resume?

No, not that. Oh, this thing.

This one's fun.

Ooh! Heads up.

That one's gonna leave a mark.

I've been looking for that.

Oh, not that.

Ah-ha! Here we go.

Hmm. Says here you're a science teacher?

Not exactly.

But you have teaching experience?

Oh, no, I can't say that I do.

Not even, like, babysitting?

I would never sit on a baby.

Camp counselor?

Never was a camp counselor.

Although I did receive counseling... for some trauma I experienced as a child.

I'm getting a really good vibe about you.

Now hold on. Let me see that resume.

It says here that you were a genius inventor?

Mad... genius inventor. But yes.

And then for the last few years... you've "been in a very dark place"... and your title was...

"Revenge Seeker?"

"Revenge at all costs...

"Die! Die!"

Am I reading this right?

Yeah, that's basically what I've been up to... so here I am!

Applying for a job in the thriving public school system... with all of its amazing resources.

But honestly, kids are so understanding.

So innocent.

Their smiles brighten my heart and fill me with... a joy-adjacent feeling.

As long as they are controlled... and do not laugh nor smile nor play nor laugh.

Children must never laugh!

Well, you seem terrific!

You're hired!

What? Excellent.

Oh, by the way, going to need Fridays off... and every other Tuesday through Thursday... for my evil experiments.

Hope that's not a problem. Okay, bye-bye!

Oh, this is bad.

We just hired a maniac for a science teacher!

Uh, yeah. We gotta fix this before Krupp finds out.

Sounds like a job for Captain Underpants.

No, no, no. You need to stay here.

Okay, you're the principal, remember?

Yeah, just sit there and look angry for no reason.

You got it. Grr...


That will be interesting to put my eye up to.

What? How did I get here?

Why is my face wet?

Hiya, class.

I'm your cool, new teacher.

Not some scary guy with a secret evil agenda.

Anyway, I'm just going to dive right in here.

If there was one thing about this world that you could change... what would it be?

Ooh! Ooh! Peace on Earth.

Unattainable. Anyone else?

Pacific Ocean into chocolate.

Atlantic into nacho cheese.

Ifs like we're the same person and yet so, so different.

I love it.

But more importantly... if I had to change one thing about the world... it would be to get rid of... laughter.

Get rid of laughter?

What kind of person wants to do that?

Oh, Oh! Ah! Ah! Sir, sir.


I love it.

Oh, look at this. We got a grade A suck-up.

Good to know, good to know.


This is the brain of an average child.

Right here is the "thinking about candy" lopalus.

The "fear of what's under the bed" lobe.

This is the "only thing I'll eat is pizza...

"chicken nuggets, or buttered noodles" lobe.

Right here is the

"as soon as someone else has a toy...

"I want that toy" anterior lobe.

And this...

This is the Hahaguffawchuckleamalus.

This funny little purple part holds our entire capacity for laughter.

For years, I've tried to shrink it or cut it out entirely... but frustratingly, our survival seems dependent upon it.

I don't like this. I mean, I don't really understand it.

But the stuff I am understanding seems genuinely bad to me.

Yeah, same.

Um... Excuse me, Professor P?

Why are you trying to get rid of laughter?

Isn't laughter the best medicine?

Medicine is the best medicine! So...



What does the P stand for?

Excuse me?

The P. In your name. What does it stand for?

Oh, it's private.

So that means your name is Professor Privates?

What's so funny?

I don't get it.

Principal's office, now!

You too!

Why him?

Because your friendship and shared sense of humor irritates me... and must be destroyed!

We gotta do something about that new science teacher.

Yeah, it's like he's even more of a villain than Krupp.

I didn't even think that was possible.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait a second. Tell me about it.

What? Who do you think...

Oh, okay. Maybe we could fix this if we just...

Can you hear me? No, that'll never work.

I'm sitting right here.

Wait, Professor P doesn't want anybody to know his last name.

Right? Right!

Who's Professor P? Exactly!

Where is the respect? I am your principal!

Wait, is he Krupp again?

George! Yup. Pretty sure he is.


How'd that even happen?


Greetings! I need to get the...

Sidekicks, what do I need again?

The file on the new science teacher.

Oh, right, right.

I need the bile on the gooey fence creature.

Science teacher.

The dewy tense preacher?

The dial on the...

Oh, come on!

Thank you, human woman!

Sidekicks, explain to me the importance of this secret file.

There's a new super villain in town and we're trying to discover his weakness.



Hallelujah Hallelujah His name is Poopypants We found his weakness Hallelujah He wants to rid the world Of laughter Forever And ever We will defeat him Hallelujah Hallelujah Poopypants

Captain? You forgetting something?

Oh, look at that. They came off again.

Hey there, kiddo.

First day for Professor P.

Can you tell me where the lunch is consumed?

What's going on with your face?

Are you choking?

Do you need to sneeze?

I see, I see.

Got a case of the giggles' huh? That's fun.

Well, I've got just the remedy for that.

In the cage. Now! Why?

Because I hate laughter and children... and I've got a cage in a briefcase!

Okay, well, have a nice day.

Now what's for lunch?

Excuse me, could you explain to me why this is funny?

You! Why is everyone laughing?

Uh, you're asking the wrong dude.

"Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of...

"Professor Poem/pants."

Oh, What's happening?

I'm hyperventilating.

Esteemed members of the Nobel Prize Committee... it is with great pride... that I present to you... the Sizerator 2000!

Oh. Ooh.

Behold, we can smallify.

No more traffic jams.

And conversely, largify.

Look at how big this hot dog is.

Going to need a lot of mustard for this frankfurter!

The Nobel Peace Prize in Inventing Stuff goes to... um, Professor...

ls that really your name?

It's not, like, some kind of joke?

No. It's not, like, a joke.

Ifs a traditional name in New Swissland.

Am I pronouncing it right?


More or less. Except the emphasis is on the "poop."

Why are you laughing?

I've invented a shrinking and enlarging ray!

I should be famous!

I should be dating models twice my size... and doing the talk show circuit!

I should be protecting baby seals as a cause... that I say I care about, but not really!

This guy is too much!

Stop! Stop laughing!

No, stop it! Okay.

Phew! Oh...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Here. Take the award.

It's really fun to say Poopypants.

You keep your stupid award! I don't want it anymore.

Oh, and one more thing...

On behalf of the Nobel Prize committee, please accept our apology.

And could you change me back now please?

Why don't you go on and invent your own shrinking and enlarging ray... if you think you're so smart?

How much of that was out loud?

Extra! Extra! Get our latest issue!

Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants.

Oh, no.

There you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Hmm. How many A's are there in "Tra-la-laaa?"

What? I'll just go with 11.

Enjoying your first day, professor?

The complete opposite, actually.

Look at what these little monsters have created!

We must lock them up, probably, like, forever!


Oh, my.

This is not a comic.

This is a history book.


And as such, it should be taught in every classroom.

And you yourself must teach it... because that is how good it is.

I don't understand. I thought, like, we'd be on the same page here.

What page is that? I'm on page 9, here.

It's fantastic.

Look, look.

It's about this evil science teacher... who looks a lot like you, by the way.

And he wanted to rid the world of laughter... but he couldn't figure out how to do It.

Even worse, I! seemed like everywhere he went, people were having fun and laughing.

It just was infuriating.

But then, he discovered someone who wasn't.

Why is it funny?

Anti-Humor Boy!

And then the professor says, "Very interesting."

That's my voice for him.

Wait, wait, wait. Gimme that.

That's no Anti-Humor Boy.

That's the suck up from class.

Very interesting.

You boys don't even realize it... but your silly comic book just helped me figure out... how to wipe out laughter on the... Oof!

Out of the road, bozo!

Hey, watch where you're going!

You just hit Professor Poopypants.


That's not funny! That's not funny!

Ever heard of the sidewalk?

Oh, if I had insurance, you'd be in... Ow!

I'll admit that was surprising.


That actually worked out for once.

Good job, Captain Underpants.

At your service, sidekicks.

Now where was I?

We should probably get back to class, huh?

Yeah, we probably should.

Excuse me. Pardon me. If you could just...

Watch your feet. Excuse me.

Sorry. Thank you. Oh, hey, Todd.

Now, let me ask you something.

If you could control your principal... what would you do?

Shh. It's starting. It's starting.

I just wanna make sure you apply the extra credit to next semester.

I won't be needing it this semester, of course.

Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah.

Whatever floats your boat, Melvin.

Excuse me?

Can I please get an ice cream sandwich?

Yeah, scram, okay? We're closed for Ebola.

Okay, just a quick check to make sure that we're connected.

Mmm-hmm. Okay. We're sure that's safe?

And now, some classic funny bloopers!

Ah. That's a good one. Oh, this one's my favorite.

I'm sorry. Why are you showing me this?


Come on, that was funny!

That child walked right into that rake.

I'm bored! What else is on?

Fascinating. Computer, scan.

I don't believe it.

You know, I suspected something smaller than normal, but this...

This. What? What is it?

I can't find it. Your Hahaguffawchuckleamalus!

You don't have one!

I don't get it. Exactly.

You have no sense of humor like a chair or a supermodel.

Melvin, with your brain and my brain together... we can finally wipe out laughter for once and for all!

So George and Harold want a supervillain... well, ask and ye shall receive!

I hereby declare... the Jerome Horwitz art program... reinstated!


After you, sir.

Ooh, what if we... I'm already on it.

Oh, this is gonna be epic!

Come on, Captain, draw!

Move your hand in the shape of a person!

Why does it look like a chicken?

This whole visual storytelling thing is hard!

Oh, that's good.

Here, these need words.

Hey, sidekicks... why are we doing this again?

Well, we're making school fun again.

You know, "free the children."

Hey, hey! What if we put this panel right here?

Oh, yes! Yes, yes.

Ah, yes. Of course.


On it!



Where'd everybody go?

Where did this even come from?


Oh, hey, sidekicks. Glad you could join.

How did you even do this?

I thought you said you were looking after the...

Oh, my goodness! Is that a Ferris wheel?

Well, of course it is!

It came with the carnival I ordered.

This cotton candy makes me feel powerful!

Hey, uh, where are all the teachers?


They have a real attitude problem.

Sure beats having Krupp around!

Oh, yeah. Krupp would totally lose his mind if he saw this.

Step right up!

Who'll be the first to dunk the principal?


I'm drowning!


All right, that's enough. Recess is over.

Ah, come on!

Just one more ride! Whoa!

Hey, watch it! What is this, a carnival?

I hate carnivals!

Oh, this looks fun! How do we play?

Hold your fire!

What is happening?

Who wants ice cream?

Ice cream!

What are we gonna do? We can't keep this up forever.

We have to! We'll just take shifts watching him.

I'll take today. You take tonight.



Harold, I really want some sugar.

Me too.

We made the wrong choice!

This did not solve anything!

Hey, sidekicks!

Check this out!



This way!

Field trip, anyone?

No, no, no!

Nothing's more fun than fire!

Except being on...


What is happening?


Now, this is how you run a school!

Free the children!

Wait a minute.

What the...

How did this...

I don't understand.

Help! What the...


You two.

Your friendship... is no more.




Harold! Come back!

George, I'm right here! I'm right here!

Oh, no! No, no! Don't leave me!

I won't! I won't, George!


No, no! Wait, wait! Stop!



This thing is amazing, Professor P.

You could probably solve world hunger with an invention like this.

Pass! More importantly... how do I look?

Just like you do in this comic!

Good! Now, hands off the merchandise, and go fetch your little toilet, okay?

I call it "The Turbo..."

Yeah, yeah. Couple of gold stars for you, kiddo.

Let the Poopageddon begin!


What? Oh, you've gotta be joking me!

Poopypants has no gas! You can't write this stuff.

Where would a burgeoning villain find unlimited power?

True power comes from within.

No, it doesn't, Melvin!

That's on stupid posters!


It comes from enormous energy sources!

A nuclear waste dump.

I see where you're going.

A poisonous chemical factory.

Or perhaps a place even more toxic!

Whoo! These leftovers got a kick.

Oh, it's a powerful smell.

Back in business, baby!

Memorize these elements...

Oxygen. Beryllium.




Excuse me, everybody, there's a giant...

Do not interrupt while I'm reading monotone from my textbook!

But the toilet!


Just go.



Students and faculty of Jerome Horwitz Elementary... the world, as you know it, is about to go extinct.

And a new world order is about to rise!

One that is, you know, honestly pretty similar to the old world order... except for one tiny detail...


Comin' atcha!

Powered by Melvin's unique neurology...

I will successfully disable the Hahaguffawchuckleamalus... of every single child at Jerome Horwitz Elementary.

For I, Professor Poopypants...

Yeah, it's a funny name.

It just makes you laugh and laugh, right?

Get down!

Still give you the chuckles now?


I don't get it.

Why is that funny?


Finally! You're speaking my language!

Oh, no. This is bad.

This is seriously bad.

I mean, a world without laughter?

George, if he destroys our sense of humor, he destroys us!

Imagine how boring our comics will be.

Captain Underpants and the Purchase of the Sensible Beige Pants.

Captain Underpants Eats All of His Falafel.

Captain Underpants Watches Cement Dry.

And would the creators of this absolutely hilarious comic book... please come out, come out, wherever you are!

You're next.

Okay, we have to stop him.

We've gotta find a way to unplug Melvin.


But how do we get to him without Poopypants seeing us?

What are you two doing together?

Are you in there?

Oh... Maybe you're hiding here.

Oh, sorry. Are you stuck on hold?


Oh, totally hate when that happens.

Well, good luck with that.

Now, where are those two little...

Stand down, Poopypants!

What is happening?

I hope this works.


Ow! Ow!

Keep standing down. I'm just gonna be a second.


I bet he thought that was going to be cooler.

Oh, boy. Here goes nothing.


Prepare to be vanquished... and justice to be served on a piping hot platter of freedom!

With a side order of liberty... and a super-sized cup filled with freedom also!

Impressive use of fast-food analogies, you giant baby with a cape on!

Let's do this.

Freeze! The following sequence contains scenes... that are so intense, horrific, and violent...

And expensive.

That we can only show it using a technology known as...


Take it away, Harold.

Okay, first Professor Poopypants gave Captain Underpants the boot.

Foot! Foot! Ow!

Then he made an Underpants sandwich.

Punch, punch! Punch, punch!

And then, they played a friendly game of paddleball!

Oh, no!


Okay, what's next? Oh, yes!

Then, Poopypants summoned an army of dolphins...

Wait, what? Why are you always sneaking dolphins into the movie?

What do you have against dolphins anyway?

I don't have nothing against dolphins, it just didn't happen! Well, so what'?

We get to say what happened. It's the Flip-O-Rama.

I like dolphins. The dolphins are in.

Fine, all right. Let's just keep going.

You sure? Yep, positive.

Thank you.

Anyway, Poopypants didn't realize it... Quiet five, quiet five.

But George and Harold's plan was working out perfectly.

So, they shot themselves to the top of the Turbo Toilet 2000!

To keep things dramatic, they didn't quite make it.

And then... And then...

And then...

What happened to the Flip-O-Rama?

I ran outta paper.

Hey, Melvin! Take that thing off your head.

We gotta stop Poopypants!

Professor Poopypants!

George and Harold are trying to stop you!

You are just so annoying!

So, you two little numbskulls thought you could distract me... with this idiotic, naked man. Am I right?

I'm not naked!

Any final words before this whole revenge thing goes down?

Yeah, wait, wait. Listen.

We apologize for making fun of your name.

I mean, that was just wrong.

Yeah, we're sorry. The truth is. Professor P... you have probably, like, the greatest name we've ever heard.

I mean, George, imagine if we had names like that.

Oh, that would be so cool!

Okay, wait, let's do it. Let's try it.

Oh, I would be Fluffy Toiletnose.

Yeah! I would be Sir Cheeseball Wafflefanny.

Yeah, sure. You're a knight.

This is so good!

I wanna change mine.

I'd be Buttcheeks von Stinkelsberg.


Yeah, those are all really silly names, but there's nothing funny about...

Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants Esquire!

Sir, are you saying your full name is...

Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants Esquire?


Stop it! Stop laughing!

Come on! Listen, your problem isn't that people laugh at you.

Your problem is that you can't laugh at yourself.

Oh, really, Oprah? Is that my problem?

Well, your problem is this...


Oh, I hope you enjoyed your years of laughter and merriment... because they're about to come to an end.

Do you find anything funny about me now?

You mean, other than your name?

Yes! Other than that!

And your hair'?


My hair's cool, I thought.

Are you kidding me?

That's almost as funny as my hair back in kindygarten!

Remember that afro?

No! No, this can't be happening!

Computer, activate brain scan.

Let's see. The frontal lobes look big and healthy.

The Hahaguffawchuckleamalus looks all shrimpy, so, what gives?

It can't be!

Their Hahaguffawchuckleamaluses, they're enormous!

I need more power.

Anything strike you as funny now?

I'm sure we can think of something!

George, I can't smile anymore.

No! Harold!

One down, undone to go.


Harold. Harold, can you hear me?


George! George, is that you?

Right here, buddy.

What's happening? We're shrinking!

Now, if we don't laugh at something soon, we may never laugh again.

Oh, no! What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

Well, we have to think of something funny, okay?

Okay, yeah, sure. Something funny.


No, I got nothing. Me neither.

More shrinkage!

Okay, okay. What did we use to find funny?

Mostly potty humor. Poop, vomit, that kind of thing.

Really? Ugh. That is, like, the lowest form of comedy.

Don't you say that, Harold! Don't you leave me!

Attention everyone!

Poopypants here with a little update on the Poopageddon.

Due to the success of my plan thus far...

We decided to wipe out laughter on the entire planet.

After that, you know, I'll probably move on to other planets...

Jupiter, Mars... can't forget Uranus!

Wait. Did he just say...

Your anus.

I know!


Yeah, and once I'm through with the gas giants...

I figure I'll go after the other galaxies...


It feels so good to laugh!

No, stop it! Stop laughing! You're ruining everything!

Yikes! Extra credit or survival?

Extra credit or survival?

I choose survival!


Oh, yeah!


No, how could this be happening?

Never underestimate the power of laughter, Poopypants!

Oh, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.


Ah! Whoa!

Harold! Harold, we did it!


I think I bruised a rib.

Because I've never laughed so hard in my life!

Oh, we'll see who's laughing once I shrink you down... where you will live in my pocket forever... amongst my cherry-flavored lip balm... my butterscotch-flavored lip balm...

Oh, neato!

My mint-flavored lip balm... my extra-moisturized SPF lip balm... and all of my lip balms!

Why does one person have so much lip balm?

Help! Help!

Please, anyone! Help!


Ooh, I hope you can find tiny enough pens... to make your small, little comic books with...

'cause you're about to get smallified!


I feel... awesome!

No way!

He has real superpowers!

Oh, that is an obvious twist that I did not see coming... despite my many years of comic book studies!

I have come to save the day!


Yeah, and I've come to ruin it!

So back off, buddy!


Ew, that's gross!

Oh, there's more where that came from.

Monday! Tuesday! Wednesday! Thursday!

Ha-ha! Unlimited underpants!

I am so glad that we gave him that superpower!

My Sizerator!

Well, it's mine now!


The final failure for Professor Poopypants.

Hmm. What does this button do?


Well, hello down there!


Must be holding it backwards.

Yup. That was it.

Wow. He is super dumb.

I can't reach.

Time to take you down once and for all, Poopypants!

Buzz off!

Captain Underpants!

Fly over here so we can make you big again!

Crackerjack idea.

George, just don't...



Give him a big hand for that one, everybody!

Get him.


Look what I've got.

A tiny school filled with tiny children... and their tiny teachers whose tiny salaries... reflect their size and also... the value society puts on education.

I'll take that!

Oh! Then I'll take that!

Ow! Did you just slap me?

Yes, I did. And you deserved it.

No, I didn't! Your hand is huge! That hurt a lot!

Give it back, it's mine!

No! Hands off!

No fair! No backsies! Give it to me!

Would you just give me that?

Now look what you've done!

Give it!



Yeah, that's more like it!

Nice work, sidekicks!

I'll just put this back down right here.

No, no, no! Captain Underpants...

There we go. Back to normal... like it never happened.

Oh, no, where'd he go?

You'll never catch me!

You can't stop Professor Poopypants!

Get back here! I can't reach!

Get him, Captain Underpants!

A bee! Get away from me!

I'm free!

What? What the... Why would you do that?

You just let the bad guy get away!

Come on, guys. Pretty sure the bee wasn't the bad guy.

What the heck happened here?

You're welcome, peace keeper!

Would you keep it down?

Did not see that coming! Take that, Doctor Diaper!

I can't believe we made him.

And he's even dumber in real life.

Oh! Look! Little dolphins!

We have to get rid of him, don't we?

I think we do.

I mean, he's a way bigger problem than Mr. Krupp ever was.

But, you know, George... bringing back Krupp permanently... we'll never be in the same class again.

Yeah, I know.

But just 'cause we're in separate classes, doesn't mean we can't be friends...

Well, yeah. I mean, we'll always be friends. Right?

Yeah. Hey, in fact, you know what?

Let's do a blood oath.

But minus the blood. I don't wanna see the blood. No blood.

Pinky swear?

No, that's lame. Mmm-mmm.

Oh, got it!

Oh, no. What? No!

That's not sanitary.

Can't we just do a verbal declaration of friendship or something?

Oh. Okay. Yeah, wow.

I haven't really prepared anything, but...

I, Harold... hereby declare George as my best friend, permanently, forever.

And I, George, accept the permanent rights... that Harold has given me to be his best friend forever... and the constitution of friends...

America, friendship.

And the United States of America.

Land and the United States. Good, okay, yeah.

It's done. All right, cool. Phew.

What a relief. Yeah, no kidding.

I mean, why were we even worried... about that whole classroom thing in the first place?

You know, I don't know.

We were younger then.

Clearly, we have grown.

Clearly, we have.


Thank you for chronicling my surprisingly grounded biography.

The truth is a slippery thing.

And you nailed it.

Now it is time to fly again!

Farewell, my dear sidekicks.

Goodbye, Captain Underpants.


George! Harold!

What am I doing in your tree house again?

You boys are in big trouble!

I don't know how big yet...

Why does this keep happening?

Where are my clothes? Where are they?

I don't get it.

Why is Krupp so angry and Captain Underpants so happy?

Maybe it's because Captain Underpants had us.

You know, he had friends.

We could fix that.

Yeah, you know, we could.

So that's how we came to pull the rarest prank of all...

The prank... for good.


"Do you want to go a date?"

A date?

"Love, Edith."

"Principal Krupp."


Benjamin Krupp, you sly dog.

Edith, the lunch lady.

Big plans tonight, Mr. Krupp?

No! What? That's none of your business!

But, if you must know... yeah, I actually do.

By the way, I was tidying up my office... and I believe these belong to you...

Our comics?

Did you just pull that out of the garbage can?

Well, I read them... and considering they're completely implausible, juvenile... and filled with the lowest form of wit... potty humor... they're actually pretty funny.

See ya later!

Well, how about that...

That's a good one.

You know, it feels good to do something nice for Mr. Krupp.

Yeah, you know what? It does.

Promise we'll never do it again.


Oh, my!

I've never been to such a fancy restaurant before.

Well, I had to go all out for m'lady.

Okay, if you say so, my man!

Once again, that brings our story to its happy conclusion.

I think there's some valuable life lessons in there... somewhere.

What the?

Eat 'em up, yum, yum!

You gotta be kidding me! No!

Yum, yum! Eat 'em up!

Oh, no!

Waiter! Check please!

Principal Krupp!

Oh, no!


Hang on, sidekicks!

I don't get it!

I really thought breaking that ring would get rid of his powers!

Yeah, well, here we go again!


Are you worried about impending doom?

Those evil villains got you filled with gloom But don? you fear, there's a hero in the sky The sky, the sky it's not a bird And it's not a plane And it's not an egg salad sandwich It's the waistband warrior Hear his mighty battle cry!


Hey, watch out, crime!

It's Wedgie-power time Na, na, na, na, na Captain Underpants Yeah, yeah, yeah Faster than a speeding waistband!

He's bustin' down doors While wearing just his drawers Na, na, na, na, na Captain Underpants Yeah, yeah, yeah More powerful than boxer shorts.

His name is Under, Under, Underpants I'm sayin'

Under, Under, Underpants Oh, yeah, by some unlikely chance Captain Underpants is his name Tra-la-laa!

Snap your fingers and he'll be right there That freaky, bald dude in his underwear He'll drop those trousers and he?! Fight to save the day The day, the day Oh, there he goes in his dashing cape Here he comes in his tighty-whities All the bad guys soil themselves Every time they hear him say Tra-la-laa!

Hey, who's that hunk'?

Is that cation pre-shrunk'?

Na, na, na, na, na Captain Underpants Yeah, yeah, yeah It's time to fly again!

Suspend your disbelief He'll save the world in his briefs Na, na, na, na, na Captain Underpants Yeah, yeah, yeah To the sky!

Under, Under, Underpants I'm sayin'

Under, Under, Underpants Check out that superhero stance Captain Underpants is his name Stand down, Poopypants!


Under, Under, Underpants He's Captain Under, Under, Underpants Yeah, by some crazy circumstance Captain Underpants is his name Tra-tra-tra... Tra-la-laa!

Under, Under, Underpants Under, Under, Underpants


No way!

She's been on hold for, like, the whole movie.

Come on, come on.


Thank you for holding. How can I help...


Right from the start couldn't pull us apart It just works Nobody else ever gets me as well on this earth Like Rock and Roll My shows and tellies Mac and cheese PBs and jellies Some things are better together And that's you and me Dude, I love you Bro, I love you Man, I love you You're my brother from another Another mother You are my favorite I'm not ashamed to admit

'Cause I do Dude, I do Dude, I love you Bro, I love you Man, I love you You're my homie No one knows me Like you know me Like the sun and the moon All the best things come in twos What would I do without a friend like you?

What, what, what, what What would I do'! What would I do?

Without a friend like you What, what, what, what What would I do? What would I do?

Without a friend like you Laugh tilt we cry when we're passing the time away

Even our fights always end with a smile on our face Like black and white keys on a Wurli Sounds just right and work in harmony Some things are better together And that's you and me Dude, I love you Bro, I love you Man, I love you You're my brother from another Another mother You are my favorite I'm not ashamed to admit

'Cause I do Dude, I do Dude, I love you Bro, I love you Man, I love you You're my homie No one knows me like you know me Like the sun and the moon All the best things Come in twos What would I do without a friend like you?

What, what, what, what What would I do'! What would I do?

Without a friend like you What, what, what, what What would I do'! What would I do?

Without a friend like you

Without a friend like you With... With... Without a friend like you What would I do'?

Without a friend like you

With... With... Without a friend like you Dude, I love you Bro, I love you Man, I love you You're my homie No one knows me Like you know me You are my favorite I'm not ashamed to admit

'Cause I do Dude, I do Dude, I love you Bro, I love you Man, I love you Got my back 1 got your back Like chiropractors Like the sun and the moon All the best things come in twos What would I do without a friend like you?

What, what, what, what What would I do'! What would I do?

Without a friend like you What, what, what, what What would I do? What would I do?

Without a friend like you Give me a beat.

Saturday, Saturday...

I love Saturday Where everything is possible Nothing stands in our way Don't have to be responsible Everywhere we go Nobody says, "No” Yeah, finally we're free We got nowhere we need to be On Saturday, Saturday The sun has shined on us, hey, hey, hey, hey I think it's time for a break We'll get away Get away, eh, eh, eh...

We can go coloring the world together We can make a story that'll last forever On Saturday, Saturday, eh, eh, eh Hey...

The perfect day

The perfect day

Saturday There's one day every week No alarms gonna wake me up Stay in bed and sleep Or maybe watch TV too much Lazing all day long No one says it's wrong No, finally we're free We got nowhere we need to be On Saturday, Saturday The sun has shined on us, hey, hey, hey, hey I think it's time for a break We'll get away Get away, eh, eh, eh We can go coloring the world together We can make a story that'll last forever On Saturday, Saturday, eh, eh, eh Hey...

The perfect day

On Saturday

Take your bag and leave your house Don't need no TV to be entertained We are the show Come now and play it subtle Bring back all that we know Our songs the only thing that's playing on the radio

On Saturday, Saturday The sun has shined on us, hey, hey, hey, hey I think it's time for a break We'll get away, get away The perfect day

The perfect day We got nowhere we need to be On Saturday, Saturday