Carnal Knowledge (1971) Script

If you had a choice...


...would you rather love a girl, or have her love you?

I'd want it mutual.

If you couldn't have it mutual.

Would I rather be the one who loves, or is loved?


It's not that easy a question.

I think I'd rather be in love.

Me, too.

I wouldn't want to get hurt, though.

You were in love with Gloria.

I was starting to be in love with her, then she let me feel her up on the first date.

Turned me right off.

You kept going with her, though.

Well, she let me feel her up.

Yeah, what about Gwen?

Her I could talk to.

I've never been able to talk to any girl.

I was really getting crazy about her.

She's stuck up.

Wouldn't let me lay a hand on her.

So I went back to Gloria.

Well, you want perfection.

What do you want, wise guy?

She just has to be nice, that's all.

You wouldn't want her beautiful?

She doesn't have to be beautiful.

I would like her built, though.

I want mine sexy-looking.

I wouldn't want her to look like a tramp.

Sexy doesn't mean she has to look like a tramp.

There's a middle ground, you know?

I would want that, yeah.

Tall, very tall...

Eww, that would scare me.

She should be very understanding.

Start the same sentences together.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Big tits...

Yeah, but still a virgin.

I don't care about that.

Come on.

I wouldn't mind if she was a little ahead of me, with those big tits, and knew hundreds of different ways.

I want more of a companion.

The other stuff I can get on the outside.

The first time I do it, I want it beautiful.

I don't want to waste it on some beast.

I feel the same way about getting laid as I feel about going to college.

I'm being pressured into it.

You like that?


I give her to you.

What's wrong with her?

I'm a generous guy.

Yeah, I'm grateful.

How do I break the news to her?

You go over there.


There's a way to talk to girls, you know?

Tell her a joke.

What joke?

Tell her about your unhappy childhood.

That's not bad.

But don't make it like an act.


Go ahead.

Go ahead, schmuck.

If you don't, I will.


You can't even stand up.

I fucked up.

It's my turn.

What do you mean, it's your turn?

She's mine, you gave her to me.

You struck out.

I get two more times at bat.

This is the first time I've ever been to a college mixer.

Me too. I hate them. I hate them too.

It's such a phony way of meeting people.

Everybody puts on an act.

So, even if you meet somebody, you don't know who you're meeting.

'Cause you're meeting the act.

That's right, not the person.

I'm not sure I agree.

With what? With what you said.

No, I don't either.

You don't agree with what you said?

How do you feel about it?

I think people only like to think they're putting on an act, but it's not an act, it's really them.

If they think it's an act, they feel better, because they think they can always change it.

You mean, they're kidding themselves, because it's not really an act.

Yes, it is an act, but they're the act. The act is them.

But if it's them, then how can it be an act?

Because they're an act. But they're also real.

No. I'm not real?

No. I'm an act.

It's all right, I'm an act too.

Don't you behave differently with different people?


With your family?

I thought you meant different people.

Well, sure, with my family--

And with friends, you're another way.

Well, sure, with my friends.

And with your teachers, you're still another way.

So which one is you?

Well, when you put it that way...

You ought to be a lawyer.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

A lady lawyer.

Um... you're from Smith, right?


Do you like it?

Yeah, I like it all right.

Do you like Amherst?

Sure, why shouldn't I?

My parents worked very hard to send me.

I'd better like it.

Do you have a name or something?


I'm Sandy.

I think you can make out with her.

Think so?

She's stuff.

You think so?

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

I shouldn't try somebody else, then?


She was the best-looking girl at the whole mixer.

I'll say that for her...

Wasn't she?

Her tits were too small.

Yeah, I was thinking that.

The hell with her.

But her legs were great.

You think so?

Standing so close, I really couldn't tell about her legs.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

She's got some funny ideas.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

Don't rush me, please.

What's the matter?

I like you very much, Susan.

It's our third date.

I like you too.

You let me kiss you last week.

And this week.

If I could kiss you once last week, I should be able to kiss you at least twice tonight.

Well? You're the only boy I know that I can talk to.

I can't see you being quiet for any guy.

No, not quiet, exactly.

But if you know somebody's not going to approve of what you are...

Whatever that is. Whatever that is.

Well, you just don't tell him.

I mean, if I like a boy and I want him to keep liking me, and I'm brighter than he is, I have to not show it or I'll lose him, so it's hard.

Well, I wouldn't want anyone overly bright.

Yeah, but you wouldn't feel threatened.

I might be bothered a little.

I don't think you would nearly as much as some people.

Now, for instance, someday I want to write novels.

Not now, but you know, later on, when I have something to say.

Now, that doesn't threaten you, does it?


Maybe a little.

Don't press so hard.

See, it's better when it's gentle.


What are you grinning at?

Did you feel her up yet?

Come on, I like this girl.

I don't want to ruin things.

Was I right about kissing her?

Listen, we had a big fight over it.

And you won?

Well, I don't know if I won or not.

Why are you letting yourself be pushed around?

You're the one who's pushing me around!

I guess I won. Sure, I won.

She kissed me five times.

Now, that's when you should've put your hand on her tit.

Come on, when this girl's nice enough to kiss me, I should do that to her?

You act as if she's doing you a favor.

Well, it is sort of a favor, isn't it?

I mean, when a girl lets you kiss her and, you know, go on from there.

Feel her up and, you know, the rest of it.

Go all the way and the rest of it.

I mean, isn't it a favor?

What's in it for her?

I mean, if she's not getting paid or anything.

Fuck you.

Okay, okay, I'll feel her up.

Sandy, please take your hand off my breast.

Why? 'Cause I want you to.

How can it be any fun for you if you know I don't want it?

I didn't say it was fun.

Then why is your hand where it is?

Because, the way we're going, by this time, I should be feeling you up.

I don't feel that way about you, Sandy.

I feel that way about you.

Well, you want me to feel something for you too, don't you?

I thought you liked me.

I do like you, but I like you for other reasons.


So... if we went any further, there wouldn't be those reasons anymore.

Well, we might have something else, though.


Something else.

You're the first girl I've ever done that to, Susan.

I didn't know that.

It doesn't show?


Well, it's something we both have to go through, I guess.

Susan, are you a virgin?

What do I do with my other hand?

What are you gonna do with your hands?

Jonathan: And then what?

Sandy: She told me to take my hand off her breast.

What did you do? I said I didn't want to.

Then what?

She said how could it be fun for me if she didn't like it?

Oh, Jesus.

I said I thought she liked me. Yeah?

She said, "I like you for other reasons."

Other reasons?

So, I told her how I really needed this.

What did you tell her?

You know, that it was my first time.

Your first time what? What did you say exactly?

I don't remember exactly.

That she was the first girl I ever tried to feel up.

You told her that? Was it a mistake?

I wouldn't.

Then she got nicer to me.

What do you mean nicer?

She put my hand on her breast.

You mean you put it on, she left it there.

No, she picked it up and put it on.

She took your hand like this?

And put it on like this?

That's right.

So, I didn't know what to think.

You didn't, huh?

For just wanting to be friends, she's suddenly getting pretty aggressive.

Yeah, then what?

I asked her if she was a virgin.

You're kidding. Was that a mistake?

Anyhow, she is.

She says.

So now you got, what, one hand or two hands on her tits?

By this time, she's put the other hand on the other one.

She put both hands on? Two hands?

So I said, "What are you gonna do with your hands?"

You didn't say that.

It just came out.

Yeah, then what?

Let me see if I got this.

She unzipped my fly.

Bullshit artist!

Then what? Then what?

Then she did it.

Did what?

Bullshit artist!

She really did that to you?

She did that? Yeah.

Hello, is this Susan?

Well, you don't know me. I'm a friend of Sandy's.

His roommate.

Yeah, Jonathan.

He told you about me?

Yeah, so, I'm just here at Smith for tonight, practically on campus.

I was just taking a drive, you know, and I found myself practically on campus.

How do you like Smith?

What's your major?

Where did you go to high school?

What do you do in the summer?

Do you always answer a question with a question?

Do you always date your best friend's girlfriends?

Sandy told me you were beautiful.

He told me you were sexy.

I guess he's just a poor judge.

I guess he meant you had personality.

Good grief.

You have a special quality.

I like girls who are special.

I'm hardly that special.

Some people you can tell about right away.

Most girls I talk to it's like we're spies from foreign countries and we're speaking in code.

Everything means something else.

Like, I say, "Would you like to take a walk?"

And it means something else.

And she says, "I can't.

I've got a French test tomorrow."

And it means something else.

And you say, "I'll come over and help you study."

And it means something else.

You're very sharp, I like that.

And that means something else.

You're too sharp.

Does that bother you?

It interests me.

Is that more code?

We'd be good together.

I'm dating your best friend.

He won't mind.

How do you know? I won't tell him.

What if I mind?

You want to go out Friday?

I'm seeing Sandy.


I have a date.


I'm seeing my folks.

Where do they live?


Sunday night?

I'll be too tired.

I'll help you get over your folks.

How about it, Susan?

What are you so afraid of?

Not you.

I think I'm in love.


I think I'm in love.

Bullshit artist.

I really think so.

Did you get in yet?

What's that got to do with it?

How do you know if you don't know how you are in bed together?

Well, that's not everything.

It's a lot.

She tells me thoughts I didn't even know I had until she tells them to me.

It's unbelievable. I can talk to her.

You can talk to me too. Are you in love with me?

I can say things to her I wouldn't dare say to you.

What, for instance?

Things you'd laugh at.

I'm laughing now.

She thinks I'm sensitive.


Sensitive? Oh, boy!


What do you talk to her about, flowers?



You phony, I read more books than you do.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna start.

I'm reading "The Fountainhead."

"The Fountainhead." What's that?

It's her favorite book.

You ever hear of "Jean-Christophe"?

What's that?

It's a classic, you moron.

Gonna read it after "The Fountainhead."

Yeah, you ever read "Guadalcanal Diary" by Richard Tregaskis? No.

That was a best seller and I read it.

Ever read "Gentleman's Agreement" by Laura Z. Hobson?

You ever read "A Bell For Adano" by John Hersey?

I'm gonna read everything from now on.

I read more than you do.

So who's the one who's sensitive? You or me?

Come on, who's sensitive?

I've had a very messed-up childhood.

What does your father do?

He fails.

It's not funny.

I'm sorry. Were you very poor?

My father couldn't hold on to a job.

He kept giving me advice.

The more he failed, the more advice I got.

He's a Communist, my father.

We're Republicans.

Sometimes I think I'm a Communist, though.

Me, too.

We have so much, and other people have, you know, so little.

After I get set up as a lawyer, what I'd really like to do is go into politics, public service.

What really gets me is I was too young to fight in the war, because what was that all about except to prove that if everybody pitches in, the plain people have a chance.

So, even though I'm the first in my family to get an education, I don't ever want to forget where I came from.

You're a lot more serious than I thought.

I know.

Sandy: Where did you meet her?

Jonathan: I'm another person with her.

You wouldn't recognize me.

The things that come out of my mouth.

Boy, she really sounds like something. Is she built?

She's, uh... she's got a quality.

She doesn't talk much, but the things she says are so sharp.

We should double-date sometime.


I want to know her a little better, you know, before we double-date.

Gee, isn't it great?

A month ago, neither of us even knew a girl.

What's her name?


Bullshit artist!

You're kidding! You're not kidding me? You really did it!

You bastard! You beat me to it!

What's up?

Next is my turn.

I don't think she'll do it, Sandy.

She will. I've just been taking it easy on her.

Sandy, believe me, find somebody else.

Are you crazy, when I'm right on the verge?

I'll see her tomorrow night.

Uh, Sandy?


Do you ever talk to her about me?

Yeah, sure, sometimes.

Do me a favor, will you?


Don't tell her I got laid.

Please, Susan.

Sometimes I want to do it, and a second later, I don't want to do it.

Let's do it.

I don't know why you put up with me.

I don't think I can do it.

It really hurts, Susan.

Let me--

Not anymore.

Please, Sandy.

Not anymore.

Susan, let's do it.

I love you.

Do you have anything?

How long have you had that?

Not too long.

Not a year or anything?

I'm sure it's okay.

I don't wanna take any chances.

These things have to be okay.

It's okay.

I'm positive it's okay.

Jonathan: It's as if you're the first guy in history who ever got laid.

Sandy: I'm the first guy in my history who ever got laid.

I like it too, but you don't hear me crowing about it.

There's such a thing as good taste, you know?

What's the matter with you? Jeez!

After you started scoring, what did I get out of you?

"We did it standing, sitting, in the car, under the car.

Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle..."

Maybe you forget, but I knew Susan before you knew Myrtle, and who scored first? You.

That didn't make me feel very good, you know?

In fact, it made me feel very jealous.

But did I try to shut you up?

Did I say, "I'm tired of hearing about it already"?

I didn't say it, 'cause I'm your friend, so I sat through it.

Okay, okay. You made your point.

Sometimes I think I'm a better friend to you than you are to me.

Sandy: Didn't you ever do that?

Of course, I...

I knew what the word "misled" meant.

I just didn't know...

So, when I first saw it in print, I thought it was "myzeled"!

He had been "myzeled."

I kept wondering, what does this word mean? "Myzeled"?

Jonathan: Sexy. Let's "myzle."

Has anybody ever heard of "Round John Virgin"?

One of the guys in "Robin Hood."

That's Little John!

What did you say? Round John...?

Round John Virgin.

Is that in Falstaff?

"Round John Virgin mother and child."

Round John Virgin mother...?

* Holy infant so tender and mild *

All right, gunshee.


G-u-n-s-h-y, gunshee.


I always thought it was gunshee.

Susan, do the one about the bear.

You'll love this, John.

Oh, yeah, the hymn we used to sing in church about the bear with crossed eyes?

Whose name was Gladly.

Gladly the bear?

Don't you know it? Gladly the cross-eyed bear.

Gladly the cross-eyed bear, get it?

Gladly the cross... oh, Gladly the cross-eyed bear!

All right, pronounce this: c-h-o-p-h-o-u-s-e.




This has to stop.

I don't know how to tell him.

You don't have any trouble telling him a lot of other things.

What does that mean? The way you talk to him.

I don't ever hear you talking to me that way.

What way?

I don't know.

He's very vulnerable.

I don't want to hurt him.

You're hurting me.

He loves me.

That's no reason to go to bed with him.

You would have just gone on, wouldn't you, if he hadn't told me?

I don't know.

I would have never known a thing about it.

I don't know, maybe.

Boy, you're really something.

I don't feel like something.

I feel like nothing.

How much longer do you expect me to take this?

I'm trying to tell him.

I see how you're trying.

It's not my fault. I don't enjoy these fights.

Listen, it's me you're supposed to be in love with.

I'm gonna tell him. What?

I'm gonna tell him about you and me. No, Jonathan!

Why don't you give me some of the understanding that you give to him?

You're stronger.

You tell him everything else.

You can tell him about us.

What do you mean, I tell him everything? Who says so?

He tells me, he's my best friend.

Are you going to tell him?

He's so helpless.

Susan, I love you.

Why can't you be more with me like you are with Sandy?

She says she's no good for me.

Maybe she's trying to let you down easy.

Go ahead and laugh.

It adds up.

Go ahead and laugh.

You know every mood of mine like you know every mood of his.

No. How come?

I don't know. You don't tell me thoughts I never knew I had.

Does he say I do that? Yes.

Then I guess I must. You do it all right, so do it with me.

I can't.

You can do it with him, you can do it with me.

Now tell me my thoughts.

I can't. Why can't you?

I can't with you.

This has gone far enough.

I cannot stand any more ultimatums.

This is my last one.

Now, tonight, you tell him about us, or tomorrow, I tell him.

Look at me, Susan!

Now tell me my goddamn thoughts!


You didn't do it, did you?


Why not?

He looks at me with such trust.

How do I look at you?

With bitterness.

It used to be trust.

At least you know my thoughts.

Did you tell him?

What do you think?


So, what do we do now?

I don't know.

I guess I get an ultimatum.

Do you think there's any sense in this?

In what?

In you and me.

That's up to you.

No, it's up to you.

I don't see any point in it.

I wish I were wrong.

I don't feel anything anymore.

Neither do I.

The reason I didn't say anything to Sandy...

I knew he wouldn't believe me.

And I'd go into details so he would have to believe me.

And I knew he'd come running to you, and I knew you'd tell him everything I said was true, and I knew then you'd go to bed with him.

Yeah, that sounds like what would happen.




I'll always be your friend.

Jesus, Susan, I hope not.

Sandy: It's going to be buggy.

Susan: It's not going to be buggy.

It's the tropics. What do you mean? It's the jungle.

You can't cover yourself from head to toe.

I'll get eaten alive.

You don't know what it's like.

You've never camped out before.

Isn't he being silly, Jonathan?

I am not. Are too.

Am not. Are too.

You're a real city boy.

How about the cot?

Come on, sweetie, we've got a sleeping bag.

You're really serious about sleeping on the ground?

You are a baby.

Christ, this knapsack's heavy.

Well, I told you you overpacked.

What in the world do you plan to do with a pillowcase?

Put it back.

Well, you are a nut.

Isn't he a nut, Jonathan?

You pack your things. Let me pack mine.

I'm just trying to help.

Well, help your own stuff.

You have packing to do.

We don't even have room.

We're going in a little car...


You want her?

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

Will you look at the pair on her?

Get a look at that schmuck trying to keep up with her.

They're always with guys like that.

That guy must be 60 if he's a day.

Maybe he'll have a heart attack. You could save his life.

Get her number and fuck her.

You bastard...


How's Susan?

Couldn't be better.

I always said it, and I say it now.

You found yourself a jewel.

She is a jewel.

Not bad, that one.

Listen, you must be getting more than your share.

I'd get married in a minute if I could find the right girl.

Bullshit artist. You and your actress friends.

Are you kidding, Doctor?

You're the one that's got the deal.

I mean, what can I say?

"Take your clothes off, baby, I wanna check your capital gains."

I just look.

Sure, you do.

I really do.

Susan's plenty enough woman for one man.

Hey, look at that.

Jonathan: That's Sally Joyce.

Didn't I see her on Ed Sullivan?

I fucked her once.

Bullshit artist.

We used to do her taxes.

She's with another firm now.

Why don't you say hello?

She wouldn't remember me.

She's a real ball-buster, that one.

I've been through the mill with her kind.


You think a girl goes for you, and you find out she's after your money or your balls... or your money and your balls.

Women today are better hung than the men.

I should have your problems.

It's not as easy getting laid as it used to be.

I don't think I fuck more than a dozen new girls a year now.

Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist.

This last one came so close to being what I wanted.

Good pair of tits on her--

Not a great pair.

Almost no ass at all, and that bothered me.

Sensational legs.

I would have settled for the legs, if she had just two more inches here and three more here.

Anyhow... that took two years out of my life.

You don't want a family?

I don't want to put it down, but who needs it?

You can't make fucking your life's work.

Don't tell me what I can and can't do.

You're so well-off?

Susan's a very good homemaker.

Very efficient.

I come home, everything is in its place... which I like, because it's tiring putting in a full day at the office, then Doctors' Hospital for a couple of hours.

So it's nice to have everything in its place when I get home.

A martini, dinner, the kids.

We don't watch much television.

We like to read aloud to each other.

We used to have more friends than we do, but we don't have that many anymore.

So, on weekends we might entertain a little or go over to see a friend.

Come into town, see a play or a good film.

It's not glamorous or anything.

There are other things besides glamour.

You have a long lifeline.

I like that.

The way you run your nail across my...

You're difficult to get along with.


Mm-hmm. Bobbie...

You always know your own mind.

Right this minute, anyway.

You won't stop going after what you want until you get it.

Let me see your hand.

Ahh... mmm...


You are built.

You see that in my hand?

Even your hand is built.

I think you're a dirty old man.

I'm a dirty young man.

How old are you?

How old do you think I am?









You skipped 23.









You're getting warm.




I like going out with older women.

Are you married?

Are you kidding?

You don't want to get married?

I'd marry you in a minute.

Can you cook?


I can cook spaghetti.

Good, you do the cooking.

What will you do?

What would you like me to do?

What would you like to do?

I asked you first.

Well, I'm not gonna answer you first.


I can sew.

Doesn't sound like much of a marriage.

Me cooking spaghetti, and you sewing.

You want a divorce?

I'll take you for every cent you got.

I didn't know I was marrying a gold digger.


You won't take pity on me?

Only if you say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

And you'll never do it again.

I'll never do it again.

And you'll always be a good boy.

Yes, Mama.

You like to be mothered?

I'd like to be smothered by you.

What else would you like me to do to you?


How do you like it?

How do I like what?

My, uh... you know.

What do I know?

You know everything.

I know you.

And I know you.


* Dream

* When you're feeling blue

* Dream

* That's the thing to do

* Just

* Watch the smoke rings

* Rise in the air

* You'll find your share

* Of memories there

* So

* Dream

* When the day is through...

Wow... I almost came that time.


Oh, nurse?

What is it, Mr. Weisenborn?

Will you come in here a minute, please?

Certainly, Mr. Weisenborn.

Why, Mr. Weisenborn!

Bobbie: Most guys I know are pricks.

I don't know anymore what they want.

Jonathan: I'll be happy to tell you.

They want... the boodle.

But they ain't gonna get the boodle.

Goddamn right.

Because this kid here has got the boodle.

You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?


You're a nice man.

And you're a very lucky girl.

You know something, Sam?

What is it, sweetheart?

You think it would be a fatal mistake in our lives if we shacked up?

It's very difficult, Bobbie.

These last couple of weeks, we get along so well together.

The idea...

I like you very much.

So much... this idea...

to be perfectly honest, I mean, it sounds very good to me.

Let's both give it a couple of days to think about it.

It sounds, like... well, very good.

Very, very, uh... well... good.

Only, our eyes should be open.

If we should go into this, we should know exactly what we're getting into.

It's just a shack-up.

I'm not asking for your hand in marriage.

Yeah, well, as long as we both understand that.

We do.

I just thought it's better to get it all out on the table, so later, there can be no possibility of a misunderstanding.

I don't know how many business deals I've seen come to grief--



You're a real prick, you know that?


I could very easily get serious about this girl.

She's a lot of fun to be with.

This is just between the two of us, but for the last year or so, I've been having... I don't know, a little trouble.

I wasn't worried, but still and all... a little trouble with... well, myself.

You know... getting hard.

It took a long time, and you know how girls are today, they judge you.

They judge you very quickly.

So, uh...

I had a real rough time a couple of times.

Some very nasty innuendos.

And, as I say, I wasn't too worried, but...

I won't lie to you, I was a little worried.

Then along comes this Bobbie.

I get one look at the size of the pair on her and I never had a doubt I'd ever be anything but okay again, and I was, I was.

With all our kidding, back and forth on our first night together, I don't mind telling you I had tears in my eyes.

She's really the girl in the airline commercial?

You lucky son of a bitch.

I don't know.

I don't want to get in over my head.

I got in over my head three, four times already, and you have to be a real bastard.

I don't like being put in that position.

What would you do?

If she looks anything like she looks on television...

Size 38, with a D cup.

But looks aren't everything.

Believe me, looks are everything.


I'm hungry.

I'll get up.

Why do we always have to eat so late?

Because I work late, dumb-o.

Why do you work at all?

Brings in extra money.

I make enough.

You want me to quit working?

I thought you were bored with it.

I am.

So quit.

What'll I do?

What do other women do?

Have children.

Well, you asked me.

* So until the day that one comes along *

* I'll sing my song with you *

* For every little fault that you have *

* Say I've got three or four *

* The human little faults you do have *

* Just make me love you more *

* You may not be an angel

* But still I'm sure you'll do *

* So until the day that one comes along *

* I'll string along

* With you.

Voices on TV: Hey, was that you?

Yeah, that was me. No kidding.

What about my beer?

We're all out.

I really wanted a beer.

Do you want me to run out to the corner?

You're too tired.

I'm tired, but I don't mind.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

It's my fault.

I knew I should have reminded you when I called this afternoon.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're more tired now than when you were working.

I'm in the house all day.

Did you get up at all today?

What do you do?

I mean, when you're not telephoning?

I'm not on the phone that much.

It took me 45 minutes to get through this afternoon.

I'll go get the beer.

No, I'll go.

I thought you were too tired.

I haven't been out all day.

Fresh air will do you good.

Will you walk with me?

Then I may as well go myself.

* To sing my love song too

* And until the day that one comes along *

* I'll sing my song with you *

* For every little fault that you have... *

Wanna make love?

We haven't in a week.

Is it a week?

It's funny.

Susan and I do all the right things.

We undress in front of each other.

We spend 15 minutes on foreplay.

We experiment, do it in different rooms.

It's a seven-room house.

We don't believe in making a ritual of it.

We do it when we feel like it.

We don't feel we have to be passionate all the time.

Sometimes it's even more fun necking.

We're considerate of each other's feelings.

I had a tendency-- men, I guess, have-- to be selfish.

But I stopped. I don't do that now.

We try to be patient, and we are patient, gentle with each other.

Maybe it's just not meant to be enjoyable with women you love.

Sandy... do you want to get laid?


Sandy: Very nice.

Jonathan: Very nice indeed.

Indeed. Watch out.

I almost had it.

Sure, you almost had it.

I almost had it. Right, Cindy?

See that, Cindy?

He was lucky.

That's all.

Bastard, that was out!

Bullshit it was! Oh, bullshit.

Let Cindy be the judge.

We'll do it over, all right?

All right. Fair's fair.


You see that shot, Cindy?

Now we got some tennis.




Luck, my ass! Whoo-hoo!

You want to take me on, Cindy?

It's my turn.

Oh, come on, Bobbie, you're so awful.

You serve.

Very nice.

Hey, you play well.

Hey, Sandy, will you look at this girl?

Terrific, Cindy.

Whoo! Hey!

She's racking me up. I'm not kidding.

Look at this. She's racking me up.


Boy, will you look at this?


And I'm not taking it easy on her either.

You and Lord & Taylor's are gonna have to work out a trial separation.

I had the water running. What did you say?

You and Lord & Taylor's are going to have to work out a trial separation.

Look at the date.

What do you mean?

Five months ago.

I'm sorry I cost you so much money.

I want to get married.

Are you tired of me, Jonathan?

Am I ever.

The answer is yes. I didn't say yes.

You said, "Am I ever."

I need more in life than this.

Who put you up to this? Your psychiatrist?

After a long, exhaustive bed hunt, you finally chose me.

Cindy's not a virgin either!


Oh, I get it.

Is that what brought this on?

Your mind is unbelievable.

You have to have a low opinion of me thinking that I would do that to Sandy.

Oh, no, you wouldn't want to cheat on Sandy.

Oh, now it's Sandy.

Well, he spends half his life over here.

Wait a minute.

A second ago you had me screwing Cindy.

Who am I screwing now, Sandy?

You're going too fast for me.

I'm going too fast for you?

Your little mind operates like an IBM, like a pinball machine.

First Cindy. Oh, no, not Cindy?

How about Sandy? How about Cindy and Sandy?

Talk about the pot calling the kettle.

The day I got an earful of your checkered past, I felt like a celibate.

You made me tell you.

Sure, I twisted your arm.

It got you hot!

Something has to.

You have such contempt for me.

Kid, you worked hard for it.

It's yours.

The way you paw me at parties.

Now affection is contempt.

Upside down. Everything upside down.

Feeling me up in public is not affection.

Will you come on?

I know I sleep all day.

I know I'm doing a terrible job, but you're not helping me any.

And who helps me?

I help you.

Your kind of help I can do without.

Can you? Can you really?


You'll do anything you can to ruin my day, won't you?

I got up today feeling so good.

You couldn't leave us alone.

We were doing so well. What?

At one time-- at one time, it was great what we had.

The kidding around. It can't have a natural time span?

Affairs can't dissolve in a good way.

There's always got to be poison.

I don't see why. I really don't see why!

Jonathan, do you want it over between us?

Why does it have to be one way or the other?

You don't want me to leave?

I want you right here where you belong!

And what about you?

When I'm here, I'm here. When I'm not here, I'm there.

Where? Wherever?


I'm a man-eater or a ball-buster and a castrator.

I want to get married.

All right, where the fuck is my shoehorn?

This place is a mess! There's not any food in the house!

Half the time, you look like you fell out of bed!

You spend more time in bed than any other human being past the age of six months than I ever heard of!

The reason I sleep all day is because I can't stand my life!

What life?!

Sleeping all day!

You say that sort of thing, I fall in love with you all over again.

Marry me, Jonathan. Please, marry me.

You're trying to kill me.

Marriage isn't death.

Why now?

Because two years ago, I slept eight hours.

A year ago, it was 12. It's up to 15 now.

Pretty soon, it's gonna be 24.

What are you trying to do, scare me?

I need a life! Get a job!

I don't want a job. I want you.

I'm taken, by me!

Get out of the house!

Do something useful, God damn it!

You wouldn't let me work when I wanted to.

That was a year ago.

You throw a tantrum every time you call and I'm not home.

Look, sister, I'm out there in the jungle eight hours a day!

You wouldn't even let me canvass for Kennedy.

You want a job?

I got a job for you! Fix up this pigsty!

You get a pretty goddamn good salary for testing out this bed all day!

You want an extra $50 a week?

Try vacuuming!

You want an extra 100? Make this goddamn bed!

Try opening some goddamn windows!

That's why you can't stand up in here!

The goddamn place smells like a coffin!

Oh... Bobbie.

You don't need me.

Why do you let yourself in for this kind of abuse?

Walk out.

Leave me. Please leave me.

God's sake, I'd almost marry you if you'd leave me.

You call that abuse?

You don't know what I'm used to.

With all your carrying on, to me you're a gift.

So what's it gonna be?

You sure know how to screw things up.

So where does that leave us?

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Is this an ultimatum?

Answer me, you ball-busting, castrating, son-of-a-cunt bitch!

Is this an ultimatum or not?!

Because if it is, I'm gonna tell you what you can do with your ultimatum!

I'm gonna tell you what you can do with it!

You can make this goddamn bed!

That's what you can do with it!

Goddamn clean these filthy sheets!

That's what you can do with it!

She's not ready.

We're a little early.

You're looking good, Cindy.

I do my best.

Will Bobbie be long?

Uh, no.

Hey, uh... do we have to go to this party?

How about it, Cindy?

Where's the powder room?

Uh, right there.

I'm going. You do what you want.

Man, she's really something.

I'm so bored, I'm going out of my mind.

Bored? With that?

You must be kidding.

You have to go to this party?

Stick around.

No, it's better that I go.

Hey, I just did my hair.

I've got this at home.

How's your tennis game, Jonathan?

We'll have to have a rematch.


Is she always that way?

You know women.

Boy, is she competitive.

She is very competitive, but I find that attractive.

You know her problem?

She wants balls.

She's all right.

I'm not criticizing.

I wish she were more feminine.

She is a little masculine.

I just wish she wouldn't always demand her own way.

She's got a great body on her.

I have to treat her like a child, give her everything she wants.

I wouldn't mind giving her something.

You got Bobbie.

I should only have it that good.

Ohh... Bobbie.

Bobbie, are you kidding?

I've never seen a body like that.

She could do with a little more of what Cindy's got.

She's so goddamn passive.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind Cindy just lying still once.

She's so busy handing out instructions in bed.

It's like close-order drill.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind a little of that, as long as she doesn't forget who's boss.

Hey, uh... you wouldn't want to swap sometime, would you?

Are you serious?

What do you say?

Might liven things up a bit.

She can miss one party. Leave her to me.

What about Bobbie?

She's so mad at me, she'll jump all over you just for revenge.

Hey, you like that, huh?


She's in the bedroom.

If you're quiet, you can do it and she won't even know.

You bastard.

Give me a minute.

Tell Sandy it's time to leave.

I hope you dance better than you play tennis.

Sandy won't mind.

What's Sandy got to do with it?

You're his girl.

He said it would be okay.

What did Sandy say?

That you and me, uh... you know.

That was his idea. You had nothing to do with it?

A little.

A little or a lot?

This much.

I'm surprised it took you this long to get around to it.

Sandy and I have a party to go to.

Sandy's busy.

You wanna come around sometime by yourself, that's one thing.

I've been expecting that.

But you tell Sandy that if he lays one hand on that tub of lard in there, not to come home.

So you call me.


Sandy: She's semicomatose.

Better send a resuscitation unit and an airway.

Be ready to give her an IV on admission.

It's on...

Tell him we'll put her in intensive care.


Very slick.

Very clever!

Well, it's not going to work, Bobbie!

Jonathan: That's Bonnie, my first love.

She lived upstairs from us.

We started exposing ourselves to each other at 10.

We got caught on the roof one day by my mother who washed my mouth out with soap.

I never got the connection.

Here's Emily, my first steady.

Until she moved off the block at 11, I never laid a hand on her.

Um, Mildred, I think, this one's name was.

She followed me around at school.

The fellas kidded me about her.

I warned her if she didn't stop, I'd beat her up.

She picked up her skirt, dropped her drawers and shoved her ass at me.

So I got my first sight of ass at 12.

Marcia, 13 1/2 or thereabouts, I kissed her one night at a spin-the-bottle party.

This one's Rosalie.

Rosalie looked just like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet."

I had a crush on Rosalie from 14 to 15 and I never went near her.

In those days, we had illusions.

Here's Charlotte.

Not much on looks, but great tits for 15.

That's Lenny Hartman's sister.

My first French kiss, 16 years old.

Here's Gloria, the best-built girl at Evander Childs.

I took her to the Bronx Zoo once and on the bus, copped a cheap feel.

Here's Gwen.

I went with her for a year trying to get her to put out, but she thought I was too nice and was saving me for marriage.

Every guy at Evander must have gotten into her pants except me.

Here's my first-- no, that one was a mistake.

Here's Eileen, my very first fuck.

She was a modern dancer at Swarthmore.

Great body on her.

What a waste-- frigid.

Here's Nancy. Sweet kid.

She went into biology. Very frigid.

Here's Bobbie!

My wife.

The fastest tits in the West and king of the ball-busters.

She conned me into marrying her and now she's killing me with alimony.

Don't know how this one get in here?

This is my little girl, Wendy.

"Princess," I call her.

Isn't she a dreamboat?

Here's a real cunt.

I forget her name.

A Nazi.

I banged her in Berlin.

Here's something I went with for a couple of months.

First time I banged her was on a yacht race to Nassau.

This slob I went with for a year until I got so sick of her ball-busting, I couldn't get it up anymore.

I can't remember her name.

This was my Jap in the sack.

I heard that Oriental girls were different.

Not in America, they're not.

Here's a 16-year-old I gave 20 bucks to one night in the village when I was drunk.

Maybe you know her, Jennifer. She gave me a dose.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks.

What are you crying for?

It's not a Lassie movie.

Sorry about that.

Or something.

So, what else is new?

To tell you the truth, I don't see anybody anymore.

Neither do we.

Well, you've got each other.

I thought she was your daughter when you first came in.

In a lot of ways, she's older than I am.


She knows worlds I can't even begin to touch yet.

Sandy, please.

I found out who I am.

You're in big trouble.

Same old Jonathan.


Let me talk to her about you, John.

Talk to her about me?

I'm 40, she's nine.

You just don't get it, do you?

Oh, I get it, all right.

I've been getting it for a long time. What's the point?

Sandy, you found a good piece of ass.

God bless you.

You're my friend, I'm happy for you.

As long as it lasts, I'm happy for you.

You deserve to be happy. I mean it.

Why fight? Okay?

All those games.

Jesus Christ!

You don't need those games, Jonathan.

I know. I've played more games than anyone.

The obedient son game.

The bright student game.

The cocksman's game. Some cocksman.

The respectable husband game.

The good father game.

The specialist game. Good father?

Games don't impress Jennifer.

Just life, just love.

Yeah, well, I don't want to argue with you, Sandy.

So let's just agree to disagree, okay?

Don't make me mad, okay?

Jennifer knows more at 18 than Susan knows to this day.

You found yourself a real jewel, okay?

She's my love teacher.

Finally got it up, huh?

You give off such bad vibrations.

Bad vibrations?

Sandy, I love you, but you're a schmuck.

You were always young, Sandy, open.

You were schmucky a lot of the time, but maybe schmuckiness is what you need to stay young and open.

Listen... don't listen to me.

You're doing great, and I'm making money.

You can find what I found, Jonathan.

Don't make me insult you.


All ball-busters, right?

You know it.

When you think of some of the things he has to dip into, any guy with a conscience has a right to turn soft.

Am I right, Louise?

You're always right, lover.

I don't think we're going to have any trouble tonight.

You don't? No, I don't.

Are you sure?

You wanna bet?

How much?

The sky's the limit.

God damn it!

What did I do?

You're doing it all wrong.

I'm doing it like always.

You never said that before.

Said what? "Sky's the limit."

Sure, I...


What do I say?

You forgot, didn't you?

A hundred.

I say a hundred.


It just came out.

I just want it right, that's all.

I don't think we're going to have any trouble tonight.

You don't? No, I don't.

Are you sure?

You wanna bet?

How much?

A hundred?

You sound pretty sure.

You're a kind of man... why shouldn't I be sure?

What kind of man am I?

A real man.

A kind man.

I'm not kind.

I don't mean weak kind, the way so many men are.

I mean the kindness that comes from an enormous strength, from an inner power so strong that every act, no matter what, is more proof of that power.

That's what all women resent.

That's why they try to cut you down.

Because your knowledge of yourself and them is so right, so true that it exposes the lies which they, every scheming one of them, live by.

It takes a true woman to understand that the purest form of love is to love a man who denies himself to her.

A man who inspires worship, because he has no need for any woman, because he has himself.

And who is better, more beautiful, more powerful, more perfect.

You're getting hard.

More strong, more masculine, more extraordinary, more robust...

It's rising.

It's rising.

More virile, domineering.

More irresistible...

It's up... in the air.