Carry on Cleo (1964) Script

(Narrator) 'This is Cleopatra, the fabulous queen of the Nile, 'whose only resemblance to an iceberg

'is that no more than one tenth of her is visible.

'while nine tenths, the better part of her, is beneath the surface.

'Fate has decreed that the mighty leader of the Roman Empire and Cleopatra

'should be flung together into the melting pot of history.

Aargh!

'And this is the ancient British settlement of Cockium inconnoviae.

'where lived the inventor of the device

'that has brought to generations of beautifuI girls

'the healthy exercise known as "having to walk home".

'As he worked at his wheels, this simple Briton, Hengist Pod, 'would listen to his wife telling him what he should do with them.'

Wheels, wheels, wheels, that's all you ever think about.

Doesn't matter about me, oh, no, never mind about taking me out for a bit of fun. it's all very well your sitting there making perishing wheels, but what sort of life is it for me?

Nothing but the same drear old round, day in, day out.

Stuck in this miserable hovel, while you go your own sweet way.

Scraping and screwing? Scraping and screwing.

Trying to keep a roof over my head with precious little help from you.

Fingers to the bone? Working my fingers to the bone.

Scrubbing and clearing up after you. Hot ash-pit?

Slaving away over a hot ash-pit morning, noon and night.

Cooking meals that nobody appreciates, and for what? insults and ingratitude? insults and ingratitude.

I've given you the best years of my life, Hengist Pod, and do you care?

Not a jot. Not a jot, you don't.

For all you care, I may as well not be here.

Well, my mother warned me.

"You'll never get anywhere with him," she said. "He's a dreamer."

Poor Mother. I'm glad she's not here to see this.

I'm glad she's not here as well, the silly old...

What did you say? is the tea ready?

Good day to you. Oh! Hello.

I'm your new neighbour. I've just moved into the next cave.

We were gonna take that, but we didn't like the idea of constant running water. isn't that an advantage? Not when it's running through the roof!

Excuse me, but I was just admiring that thing you're making.

It's ver good. What is it?

Oh, it's a wheel. It's for going on a cart.

Where I come from, they have things to go on carts, but they're sort of round, like that.

Yes, yes, yes. I know all about those.

But the trouble with them is, you see, that if you stop on a hill, they roll backwards.

This one won't, you see. Ah, but... but will it roll forwards?

Obviously, if it can't roll backwards, there's only one way left for it to go.

And another thing. If you think you're going to get away with...

Oh! I beg your pardon.

I didn't know we had company.

This is our next-door neighbour, dear, Mr um...

Horsa. Son of Ethelred.

Not Ethelred the Unready?

No, my dad was always ready. So my mum said!

How do you do, Mr Horsa?

Please excuse the way I look.

I haven't had a chance to put on a lick of woad this morning.

Not at all. You look lovely.

My name's Pod, Hengist Pod. This is my wife Senna.

Senna! Oh! That's a pretty...

Pretty what? Er, pretty name.

It was, till I married somebody called Pod.

I shall excuse my wife. She's not quite herself.

Her poor old mother was eaten by a brontosaurus.

That was too bad. Yes, you're right.

Brontosaurus died within the hour.

How much do you want for your wheel? I don't know. I've never sold one before.

People don't like new ideas. I'll have it.

Just the one? What good would that be?

I'll show you. Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing? Look!

They support the rim. It'll be no good without them.

Watch.

There we are. Makes a perfect frame.

So it does, yes. But what's that square opening in the middle for?

It's just an idea I had for letting in more light. I thought I'd call it...a win-dow.

Win-dow.

Oh! We can call that a win-dow-rim.

Yeah. What about window frame?

Oh, well, if you like. It's all the same.

(Narrator) 'And so the good people of Cockium

'went about their ver simple business, 'blissfully unaware that only a few miles north of them, 'the ground was shaking to the inexorable tread

'of Julius Caesar's conquering soldiers.'

(Roman) Sinister! Dexter! Sinister! Dexter!

'Their leader was Mark Antony, Julius Caesar's greatest friend.'

What a country!

'A figure to strike awe into the hearts of men and women, 'for two different reasons.'

(Thunder)

'Meanwhile, still blissfully unaware of the approach of the Roman legions, 'the simple people of Cockium continued with their ver simple lives.'

There's no prettier sight than a young couple courting. lt makes you want to get your club out and have a bash yourself.

Was it like that with you and Senna?

Sort of, except that she had the club!

I had my eye on a mate in Bristol. Gloria, her name was.

Beautiful. Lovely long, strong hair.

I could have dragged that girI anywhere.

Well, why didn't you?

The damned Romans invaded her settlement. She was never seen again. lf those rotten Romans come here, I'll...

The Romans are coming! I'll be off.

No. Running will do you no good. Where are they?

They're just coming over the hill, thousands of 'em.

Arm yourselves, men. Get your women and children away to the hills.

Go on, move!

Do you mean to say we're gonna fight them? lf we can just hold them up till we get word to Boadicea and her army, there's a chance.

Can you run? Just what I wanted to do.

She's camped at Carlisle. Go like the devil.

I'll take Senna.

Never mind about your wife. It's my two-wheeler. I named it after her.

All right, but be quick. You can depend on me.

Legion! Legion! Terminus!

What's that settlement down there?

We call it Cockium inconnoviae, General.

What a mouthful. They deserve to be done with a name like that.

We could do with a few captives.

They fetch 20 sesterces a time back home.

It'd be silly going back empty-handed.

Right. Order the attack.

Legion, incursamus!

(Horse whinnies)

Ow!

It's hard work catching these damn Britons.

All right. On your way. All right.

Don't give up hope, men.

Remember, Hengist is on his way to our army.

Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd.

Oh, no!

Oh, gawd! Oh, gawd!

Come on!

(Man) Come on! Come on! Pull him along there.

Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa.

Excuse me. Any chance of a lift?

Yes, mate. Hop in. Thank you. How far are you going?

Just to Rome. Oh, I see.

Would you mind dropping me at Carlisle? Our army's there and I've got to get help.

You see... the Romans are attacking our settlement.

You don't say? Yeah. ln that case, come on. Oh! Thank you.

Oh! Well...

What are the chains for?

Just to stop you falling out of the cart, mate.

Thank you ver much. That's ver thoughtful of you.

The pleasure is mine. (Laughs)

Oh! You seem to be rather full up.

I suppose I'd better wait for the next one. Oh, no, you don't.

Get in there!

Oh! Hello!

Oh, you silly Pod!

(Narrator) 'Enthroned in his lush headquarters, 'mighty Caesar sniffed the sweet smell of success and eucalyptus.'

Achoo!

Oh, I do feeI queer.

'He was closely guarded as always by the champion gladiator of Rome

'and captain of the Praetorian guard, the noble Bilious.'

(Belches) I beg your pardon, sir.

Oh, it's not your fault, Bilious. It's this wretched countr.

I haven't been right since we landed. It's the water, you know.

It's making ver irregular soldiers of us all.

Oh, I've never known such a cold, damp, depressing place.

Achoo!

Even my laurels have wilted.

When I left Rome, they were positively rigid.

Here, my lord. I've prepared this for your illness.

Oh, yes, dear? What is it?

It's an old British medicant, my lord, made of mustard seed, brewed up with bats' ears, seaweed and the intestines of pregnant lizards.

Yes. Charming.

To be taken externally, I trust?

Yes, my lord. You just add a little to your foot bath.

Like this.

Oh!

Oh, it's good. Yes. Ver good.

Pretty little thing.

Where did we capture her? At the settlement they call Bristol, sir.

Oh, yes! I might've guessed. And what is your name, dear?

They call me Gloria, my lord.

Remind me to take her back to Rome with me.

I'd like to give my wife something useful for a change.

Useful, sir? To her?

Fair's fair. The last thing she gave me was some perfume. lt sounds like one of our legions is returning, sir.

Legion, dismiss!

The army from the south with Mark Antony at their head.

Oh, good! My friend.

(Thunder)

Hail, Mark Antony! Hail.

Snow. Sleet. Thunder. Lightning. The lot. Julius in?

Aargh!

I see he is.

It's all right for some people.

I'm busy waging a war, he's busy trying to make a piece!

Mark Antony, sir.

Julie! Tony!

I've caught you with your toga up! I was just soaking my feet.

I can't seem to get them warm.

You've been wearing open-toed sandals again.

No, it's not that, it's this filthy disease I've caught. Some locaI thing.

It's called "a stinking cold".

Never mind. Carryy on. Don't mind me. Get them in again.

Thank you. All right?

Much better. And how goes the conquest of Britain?

I just don't get these Britons at all.

Ever time we get a decent punch-up started, some geezer behind their line shouts, "Tea up!" and they all disappear.

"Tea up"? How ver odd. lt must be one of these strange gods they worship. like this other one they're always talking about, "Crumpet".

What's that again? Crump-et. I don't understand it at all.

No. I don't think they want to be conquered.

I know what you mean. Apathetic.

That's the word.

We didn't have any trouble in Spain and Gaul. We slayed 'em there.

I don't know why we bother with this lot. Look at these lovely straight roads I built.

They don't even bother to use them.

Same with the baths. This countr is a dead loss.

It's always so cold and damp.

You wouldn't think it, but this is supposed to be "the season of the golden breezes"!

More like the season of the brazen monkeys.

Excuse me, sir, but a messenger is without.

I'm not surprised. lf we stay here much longer, we'll all be without. Send him in.

Enter.

Hail, Caesar, hail!

Oh, hail! My corn!

Hail! All right. We don't want all that.

What is it?

Mighty Caesar, I have come hotfoot from Rome.

I bring an important message from your esteemed father-in-law Seneca.

Oh! I wish he'd use a lighter notepaper!

I'm terribly sorryy, my lord. I didn't mean...

Get out, you great steaming nit. Go on, hop it.

Go on, Julie. Sit down. Oh, thank you.

Fool!

What does the old fooI say? Hang on.

It starts off, "Beware the ides of March."

What does that mean?

Don't ask me. He's always making some silly prediction.

Last time it was, "Beware the nuts in May."

He's a nut if ever I saw one.

Hello. This doesn't sound so good.

"There is news from Egypt that Ptolemy is trying to usurp Cleopatra."

Trying to do what with her? Usurp her.

Sounds positively revolting.

Who is this Cleopatra?

That bird that rules Egypt. She could cause us a lot of trouble.

Don't they all? Hey, listen. Listen to this.

"The senate demands immediate action.

"And there is a movement afoot to make Brutus emperor in your absence."

That plotter Brutus! He's always had his eye on the emperor's throne!

You won't let them take it away from me, Tony.

Julie, Julie, Julie. I'm your friend.

You are my friend.

I think we ought to get back to Rome right away.

Good idea. And if anyone but me is going to be emperor, I'd like it to be you.

I'll drink to that.

(Narrator) 'Two months later, after an absence of three years, 'Caesar made a triumphant return to Rome.

'Well, not completely triumphant, perhaps.

'Let's just say he had a small majority.'

(All) Hail, Caesar! Hail!

Hail, Caesar, hail.

(Crowd) Boo! Boo!

I don't like the look of this mob. Give them a bit of the old flannel.

Yes, I've got my flanneI ones on. No, no. Make a speech. Win 'em over.

Well, if you think so. Yes. Go on.

Friends, Romans...

Countrmen. I know!

Well, get on with it, then.

I have been away from you now for three years.

And it don't seem a day too long!

During that time, friends, I have taken Spain, I have taken Gaul, I have taken Germanica.

What would you have me take next?

A running jump!

I want to thank you for this wonderfuI welcome.

Ever time I return from an expedition, I am struck...

(Crowd) Boo!

... again and again...

Have you forgotten what I've done for you?

I've given you an empire, I've given you prosperity...

What about all my reforms? I've cleaned up this city.

Have you forgotten my slogan, "NihiI expectore in omnibus"?

"No spitting on the public transport."

(Jeering)

That does it. Get inside. It's a disgrace!

I'll do him one of these days.

Charming. What a welcome for a great emperor.

How sickening.

On the steps of my own palace, too.

Oh, Plato... great and learned scholar, that you should see me thus, covered in... stains.

Where is everbody?

Where's Seneca? Where's Calpurnia? They are usually here to greet me.

(Lewd laughter)

(Man) Now, don't be silly, dear.

Just take it in your hand. lt won't bite.

(Laughs) That's it.

Now dip it in the ink.

Seneca, what are you doing? Eh? Oh, hello.

I was just teaching her to write. Why?

You might have welcomed me home.

Oh! Have you been out, then?

Out? I've only been in Spain, Germany, Britain.

Oh, yes, of course you have. I forgot.

Where is Calpurnia? At her toilet.

Ah. Where? ln her bath.

That's all right, then.

Yoo-hoo, Calpurnia, sweetheart! It's me, dear. I'm back.

And about time, too.

And where, may I ask, have you been for the past three years?

Oh, don't be like that, dear.

You know perfectly well where I've been.

Where? I've been conquering.

Hah! Conquering, you call it?

Gallivanting around Europe enjoying yourself more like!

No. lt was a purely business trip.

HannibaI used to take his wife with him on his business trips.

Well, it was different for him. He had all those elephants to help him.

Anyway, it would have been no fun for you, all that eternaI fighting.

Since when have you done any fighting?

No, I meant if you'd come along too, dear.

I know you, Julius Caesar.

You'd do anything rather than stay at home with me.

Well, you won't be here much longer for me to worr about.

What do you mean by that?

Seneca says there's a bird of ill omen about.

I've just seen him with her in the librar.

Ah!

Your days are numbered.

Beware the ides of March!

Oh, shut up, you silly old faggot.

Don't you dare speak to my daddy like that.

Well, he gets on your nerves.

I'm sorry, dear, but I'm fed up with listening to all his visions and omens and stuff.

Seneca is well known throughout Rome as a truly great sage.

Yes. And I know my onions.

I wish you'd been in Britain, they know what to do with sage and onions!

Oh, my dear, you've no idea how much I've missed you.

Three years is a long time to go without.

Without what? Without the company of a beautifuI wife.

What about all those women abroad?

There weren't any. They don't have them abroad, you know.

They're a ver bashfuI people there.

Really, Julius?

Really, darling.

(Door opens)

Sir, what do you want done with your woman here?

What is that?

It's just a little thing I picked up in Britain.

It's for you. I don't want any of your pick-ups.

I'll have her.

No, you won't, you dirty old sage.

Daddy, take me away from this... this monster!

Monster?

How dare he insult me by offering me this... this...

I quite agree, daughter!

She's no use to you.

But don't you worr. I'll think of something to do with her.

But I've other gifts for you, dear. I've onions from Spain.

I've got some Spanish onions.

Cheeses from Holland.

I've got some Dutch cheeses.

And stones from far-off Gaul.

She's got gallstones an' all!

I had no idea.

This is a fine homecoming, I must say.

Oh! They haven't even warmed the seat.

(Narrator) 'By now, the captives from Britain had arrived in Rome.

'Herded together in their little room, they were learning to their dismay, 'that this was one emergency

'in which nothing happened if you pulled your chain.'

All right. lf you don't want the goods, stop messing them about.

I'll tell you the truth. There's little demand for this British stuff nowadays.

They don't make them like they used to. Look here, Marcus.

No, I'm Spencius. It's my brother what's Marcus.

We're in partnership now, you know.

Marcus and Spencius.

Here's my card. All right. Now, you know me.

Did I ever bring you any rubbish?

I only bring you the best, you know that.

Look at them, all solid bone and muscle. Bone and muscle I've got plenty of.

It's brains what people want.

They've got brains. Artisans, ever one of them.

What did you do in Britain? I was a wheeI maker.

See that, he makes wheels.

Square ones. Squ...?

Never mind him. Here, you. What did you do?

I was a hunter. Hunter?

Hunter. Now, what about that, then? A hunter.

What did you hunt?

Romans.

A fat lot of help you are.

Look, General. I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you 1 50 sesterces for the lot.

1 50 sesterces? Do me a favour.

Do us a favour.

You keep out of this.

All right, 200 and they're yours.

160. Not a sesterce more.

160! What a liberty.

That's daylight robber. How can you stand there and...

All right. 160.

Providing you throw her in.

Her? You don't want no more slaves, General. You've got plenty.

For working, yes.

Yeah, but I mean, she's worth 40 sesterces to me, you know.

She's a ver good worker.

She can cook... make clothes... wash... scrub...

That's fine. I could use a good scrubber.

All right. It's a deal.

You're a good lad. Put my mark on her. Send her round to my villa.

Free deliver he wants.

(Narrator) 'While all this was going on, 'Brutus was in the Senate indulging in the grand old Roman game of mixing it.'

And I warn you, members of the Senate, if we allow Caesar to go on like this, the Roman Empire's finished.

(All) Hear hear!

Already, gentlemen, we are in a decline.

And I don't have to remind you what that leads to.

A fall.

I'm so sorry. Did I interrupt something?

Hail, Caesar.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

I must warn you, Julius, there is unrest in the Senate.

There have been rumblings.

It's all that spaghetti they eat. Rumblings against you.

They're concerned about affairs in the east, Ptolemy and Cleopatra.

Are they having an affair? Do tell.

They're fighting for the throne of Egypt. lf one of them can muster an army, it'll be hard for Rome.

They don't want to worr about that!

Exactly. I've done my best to reassure them.

But perhaps a word from you?

Of course. I'll give them a speech.

Friends...

Romans...

Countrmen. I know.

I have been away from you now for three years!

(All) Hooray!

But now I am back!

(All) Boo!

How am I doing? They're right behind you.

I thought so.

With regard to the situation in Egypt, I will tell you this, if Cleopatra and this other upstart...

Ptolemy. I am telling you! lf these upstarts should prove a threat to the Roman Empire I will not hesitate... nor notwithstanding... anything to the contrar.

I shall take steps... now to give serious consideration... to the action, to be taken in the event of events happening, notwithstanding... anything to the contrar.

Please, show your approval in the usuaI manner.

(Blows raspberry)

You've never had it so good!

Stay there!

Supermarket, innit?

Look at that!

"MA." What does that mean?

Mark Antony. She's his.

lt could've been worse.

How?

Might've been Frank Antony.

(Jeering)

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Citizens, today is your lucky day. lt just so happens that I have been able to procure at enormous expense a limited number of ver top quality Britons, all fresh in today! No rubbish.

All right, you. Come on.

Where to? You're going for auction.

Think of that. Me being knocked down.

It's better than being knocked up!

Come on. Bring him in, Marcus.

Coming, Spencius. Go on.

How about that then, ladies? lsn't that a magnificent specimen?

Phwoar! lf that is not a ver handy little thing to have about the house, my name's not Spencius.

Right, now. What am I bid?

Ten.

1 5.

20.

25.

30.

40.

41 ? Yes?

I'll pay you back.

All done at 40? No...

Right. Sold to the lady in the green schmutter.

What's your name, darling?

Willa Claudia.

Willa Claudia. Mark him up, will you?

Willa Clau...?

WC? Oh, no!

Please! WC!

What happened?

Ver funny. Ver funny.

Do you know what? I think they're making a convenience of you.

Shouldn't worr about him. He's doing all right.

He's been bought by a woman.

What's the benefit in being bought by a woman?

What do you think?

Oh! Yeah, right.

Lead me to 'em!

All right there, citizens, here is another of our speciaI offers.

Now then. What am I bid for this... for this er...

For this?

One at a time, please, ladies.

Right. Now, come on.

Who's going to start the ball rolling, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

No, I didn't.

Don't worr. They're just overawed at the moment.

Get out of it.

Who'll say three sesterces?

Two? One?

Now, look here, citizens.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

With this speciaI offer here, I will throw in this beautifuI plaster cast of the goddess Aphrodite, absolutely free, gratis and for nothing.

(Tittering)

Right. No sale. Mark him up for the usual.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just stamped me with a little lion. Look.

That means you'll be going to the lions, mate.

I hope they're a nice family? You'll find out.

Er, Hengist.

What he means is, you're to be thrown to the lions in the arena.

Those lions! No! Hengist!

Well, it's quick, anyway.

The old head in the mouth, quick snap of the old jaws and it's all over.

That's all ver well, but how am I gonna get his head in my mouth?

What about me? Do you fancy being lumbered for the rest of your life as the pampered pet of an old Roman bag?

Quite frankly, yes.

Well, I can't face it. Let's make a break for it.

What, escape? Anything's better than this.

Get behind the doorway and when the guard comes in, trip him up.

All Romans are idiots! They know absolutely...

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Thank you ver much. Not at all.

Come on!

(Spencius) Now, I'm not here today and gone tomorrow.

I won't be here this afternoon.

What a day!

Pelted by the populace, sat on by the Senate, spat at by my spouse.

Honestly, I don't know why I bother being emperor.

Why do you? Don't be silly. What else could I do?

At school, I didn't even get my X-oneplus.

You could be a public orator.

Public oratory? Oh, no, it's an unspeakable business.

I hear some slaves escaped from the market today.

That's all I needed. What have I done to deserve all this?

Have I displeased the gods in some manner?

O, dark, invidious muse that blights my life!

Come, show your fearful, haggish face!

Yes? Not you. What do you want?

Well, I thought you'd like to know. There's another strike on.

Not another one? Who is it this time?

The eunuchs. The eunuchs?

For heaven's sake, what are they striking for?

They're complaining about loss of assets.

Hail, Bilious. Hail, Antony.

I want to see the boss.

Mark Antony, sir.

At last we'll hear something cheerful for a change.

My friend!

You're right in it this time. Oh, no. What's happened now?

News from Egypt. Ptolemy has mustered an army and is marching on Alexandria.

What about Cleopatra? ls she mustered?

Well, I have heard a couple of stories.

No, I mean, has she mustered an army?

Oh. Yes, I believe she has.

We've got to do something about that lot.

But what do we do?

Do we support Ptolemy and defeat Cleopatra or vice versa?

Well, if you're bringing vice into it, I prefer Cleopatra. lf only we knew what was happening out there.

(Speaks gibberish)

What on earth is going on?

It's Daddy. He's having one of his visions.

Good. Now perhaps he'll be able to tell us something.

(Continues speaking gibberish)

Oh! Hello!

Well? Did you see anything? Oh, yes. And it was lovely.

There was this room, you see, and it was full with lovely girls all lying about in things you could see right through.

Daddy, dear. You've been eating cheese again.

Daughter dear, no, I haven't.

And then Caesar came in, and there was a lot of soldiers.

What happened to me?

I don't remember. I was busy looking at the girls.

Blimey, this is a waste of time. lf you want to find out what is going to happen, you have to consult the vestaI virgins.

Of course! The temple of Vesta! I say! Can I come too?

Certainly not! I thought it would make a nice change.

That's one place we don't want any changes, thank you.

You might have already got some, with the eunuchs on strike.

Oh, don't say that. I want them to augur something really nice for me.

You'd better hurr up. They'll soon be shouting "Last augurs, please!"

Uh-oh! Dead end!

I can hear them coming. We're done for.

No, we're not. Come on. ln here.

Cor! Shh!

Look at that!

Look! Look!

Hey, there's a door.

"Strictly no admittance. VestaI virgins and eunuchs only."

What are we? Well, you should know.

They must be somewhere around.

We'll have to chance it. lf anyone asks who we are, say we're eunuchs.

Eh? Oh, yeah. What have we got to lose?

Cor!

Hey! We're in the ladies'!

(Squealing)

No, you fool!

Don't you know it's immediate death for anyone who goes in there?

Ho within! It's the city guard.

Open up, please.

Oh. That's all right. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

It's all right. They've gone.

Thanks.

Yes. I don't know what we'd have done without you.

I don't know what we could have done without you.

? Wherever I wander

? There's no place like Rome

More wine!

More vino. Come along, girl.

Ah, there she is.

Why don't you come on in? The water's lovely.

No, thank you, my lord.

Go on, girl. I'll let you play with my duck.

Oh!

Hey, Seneca. Where's Caesar?

Oh, he's gone to convulse the VestaI Virgins.

Consult. You're quite right.

Never mind. I'll find him later.

Oh, no, you won't.

What does that mean?

That vision, and those girls.

That was the Vestals.

And what's more, I can remember what happened.

What happened? He was done.

What? He had Bilious and the guards with him.

Nobody could have got near him.

Aha! That's just it. lt was them who did it.

Blimus!


Horsa...

Mm-hm?

Don't you think it's about time we should be getting along?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, there's no point in taking unnecessar risks.

No. No, of course not.

Perhaps we'd better just stay here a little while longer.

Yeah...

Just a couple of months or so.

? Fanfare

Aarrgh!

(Caesar) What's happening?

Sir! Get me out of here.

It's a disgrace! There must be a more comfortable way to travel.

I'm sorry, sir, it was a low arch. There wasn't a warning sign.

Who holds the office of traffic commissioner?

You do, sir.

Well, in future watch where you're going. Are we there?

Yes, sir. Good. Come in with me and stay close.

I don't feeI safe tonight. You're not.

Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

Wise daughters of the goddess Vesta, grant me an augur!

Who is it that craves our advice at this hour? lt is l, Caesar, grandson of Venus and Anchises, your divine emperor.

Caesar! We shall all die for this.

Open up, I say! Or must I enter?

Yes? Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

Are you really a VestaI Virgin?

(High-pitched) Oh, no. No, I'm a eunuch.

Oh, I see.

You're a what?

I'm sorry. VestaI Virgins are off tonight.

Are my senses deserting me? There's something funny going on here.

Bilious, l... What are you doing with your thing?

I'm sorry, sir. But for the good of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personaI bodyguard! I don't want to die.

I may not be a ver good live emperor, but I'd be a worse one dead!

Treacher! lnfamy! lnfamy!

They've all got it in-for-me!

Aargh!

Take this. Catch!


(Whimpers)

ln here. Quick!

Ah! More of you, eh?

Right. Come on.

What a carveup!

Well, he can't say I didn't warn him. lf I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

"Beware the ides of March," I said.

But it's not March. It's Januar.

Yes, but an idiot like him wouldn't know that.

My poor dear husband! ls he dead?

It's difficult to tell. He always looks the same to me.

He looks a little wan. He looks a big one if you ask me!

Speak to me, Julius!

Speak to me!

I hear a night owI screeching. lt is l, Julius.

Your wife Calpurnia.

Oh, yes. I grow weak, dear.

Draw near and lend me your ear.

Don't. You'll never get it back.

Yes, Julius, dear. Did you wish to say something?

I cannot go without saying something for posterity.

No, dear. Of course you cannot.

Then let our posteriors know this.

Yes, Julius? My farewell speech.

Friends, Romans...

(Whispers) Countrmen. I know!

My last immortaI words are...

Veni, vidi, vici.

I came, I saw, l...

I conked out.

Oh! He's gone.

Oh, woe is me!

Could I but tell him how sorry I am for the way I've treated him, how much I loved him!

(Wails)

Hello. What's going on?

The mighty and noble Caesar is no more.

Shut up. They haven't even touched him. He's fainted, that's all.

You little squirt!

They wanted to kill me. And it's the thought that counts.

Come, Daddy. Gladly.

Oh, but, Calpurnia...

They'd have got you all right, if that slave hadn't been there to slay 'em all.

What slay you... what say you?

It's incredible. But do you know that he beat the five top gladiators of Rome singlehanded?

Where is he? I must meet this superman.

Guards! Bring in the prisoner! ls that him? That's him.

(Caesar) Are they holding him the right way up?

Bilious and the others were all slain and that little runt was there with a sword in his hand!

He alone? No. Please, there's been a mistake, sir.

You're dead right, mate, and you made it.

Let's see how you go against the lions in the arena!

Oh, no! Please, sir! I plead for mercy! I plead for my life!

I plead for forgiveness.

You miserable little pleader! Take him away!

No, no, wait. What is your name, slave?

Pod, sir. Hengist Pod.

Arise, Centurion Pod.

Eh?

Are you kidding? That man's a menace!

Exactly. And with him beside me, no-one will dare make an attempt on my life again.

You are impregnable, aren't you?

No, sir. It's just that Senna didn't want any kids.

Listen to me, Hengist Pod, I hereby appoint you commander of the Praetorian Guard, protector imperatori, champion gladiator of Rome, honorar member of the Senate and custodian of the imperiaI chambers.

What did all that mean?

That means that he has gone potty!

(Narrator) 'And that is how a simple Briton

'who had never so much as hurt a prehistoric fly, 'became overnight the most feared and admired man in Rome.

'Ever time he appeared in public

'the crowds clamoured for his autograph and souvenirs.'

(Cheering)

'ln his task of protecting the imperiaI body of Caesar, 'Hengist proved an effective deterrent.'

All those in favour...

(All) No!

I'm sorry, gentleman, what was that vote again?

(All) Yes!

Thank you, gentlemen, I thought that was what you said.

(Narrator) 'Yes, being Caesar's bodyguard was a full-time job.

'Only when night came could Hengist really relax.'

Good night! Good luck!

What did you say, Julius? Good night.

Good night.

(Mouths)

(Narrator) 'At this time, Mark Antony was arriving at Alexandria

'at the head of another Roman legion.

'He carried with him express orders from Caesar

'to remove Cleopatra from the throne of Egypt and give it to Ptolemy.

'Some hope. lt was like asking your wife to give up her mink coat, 'because your girlfriend is sitting in a draught.'

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah. We want to see Cleopatra. Who are you?

I am her chief councillor Archimedes.

Get away. All right, take us to her. The Queen is at her toilet.

Oh. Well, we'll wait, then.

Then I will inform Her Majesty of your arrival.

Thank you.

Right. Now, when we see her, no messing about. She has got to go.

And if she won't go quietly...

Sir, I've no stomach for this sort of thing. I've never made war on women.

Then it's high time you started, mate. They're a dead menace.

Any time there's any kind of trouble, you can bet your bottom sesterce there's a woman behind it.

I still don't like it. You're too soft. Just leave it to me.

I know how to handle this ambitious battleaxe.

She's too big for her boots, that's her trouble.

The Queen will see you now. Follow me, gentlemen.

ln here, gentlemen, please.

All right, I'll come straight to the point. Miss, l... You...

Yes? ls there something I can do for you?

(Growls lustfully)

Go on. Tell her.

(Growls lustfully)

You know. She's getting too big for her boots.

Boots? What boots?

I don't see any boots. Caesar's orders.

She's got to go.

Go? Yeah.

Got to go. Oh, well. Goodbye.

Not me. Her.

Eh? Oh, yes.

Yes. Now look, I'm ver sorry, miss.

But I've had my orders. Madam, l...

Don't apologise, please. I could forgive such a handsome visitor anything.

What handsome visitor?

Oh, me!

I thought you said you knew how to handle women.

Well, I do. It's all right.

Now look here, miss, I have come from Rome at Caesar's express bidding to get...

Just one moment. lf you're going to get cross with me, I'll just get out of my bath and slip into something a little more comfortable, if you don't mind.

(Growls)

You were saying?

(Narrator) 'But Cleo knew that as Queen of Egypt, 'she could offer favours that a Roman generaI would find hard to refuse.

'And she knew too

'that such favours as the powerful Ptolemy might have to offer, 'he could stick in his ear hole.'

Cleo!

Mark, you're back!

And have I got good news for you. What?

Ptolemy's head, it's fallen. ln the dust.

But how? I cut it off.

Thank you! It's just what I always wanted.

Now I'm the undisputed queen of all Egypt.

Do you know, I feel I ought to give you something in return.

Yes, but not in front of all the handmaidens.

No, no, no.

There. Now, come and sit beside me.

Do we have to have him hanging around all the time?

Sosages? He's my bodyguard. He never leaves my side.

Yes, I know, but I don't like sausages, especially overcooked.

There's nothing to fear, lover. He's a mute. And he cannot talk either.

No, but he can watch, can't he?

Just to please you.

Sosages, you may leave us.

Now then, that's better!

(Crack)

You sure that's dead?

Do you know, lover, I've been thinking... Me, too.

I've been thinking about all the things you and I could do together...

That makes two of us! ... if only you were emperor!

Yeah, but I'm not. So just do with me as I am.

No, no, no, but you could be.

Supposing Caesar were to die suddenly. Couldn't you?

You've got Ptolemy's head. What more do you want?

We have an old saying in Egypt. "Two heads are better than one."

But you don't know what you're asking. Caesar is my friend.

But it's such a little thing to ask for.

That's just it, it's not a little thing. He's a big head.

You've disappointed me. I thought that you were a reaI man.

I am.

Then prove it.

That's what I've been trying to do.

No, no, no. Remember I'm a queen and I cannot consort with anyone but an equal.

Supposing, just supposing, I did what you wanted and I became emperor, what would be my reward?

I'll show you.

(Cleopatra) Hurr back. I shall be waiting... impatiently.

I'll be back. Don't you worr.

Give me strength!

Puer. Oh, puer, oh, puer!

(Narrator) 'Which, as any schoolboy knows, 'means, "Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy!"

'So, as Mark Antony hurried back from Cleo to his friend Caesar in Rome, 'it looked as if one man's meat was going to be another man's dose of rat poison.

'While Caesar, his popularity and safety guaranteed

'by the reputation of his bodyguard Hengist, carries on as usual.'

Yes. Ver nice, dear.

Thank you ver much. Definitely me.

Where's my laurels?

Here they are, my lord.

Silly me. I've been resting on 'em!

Will that be all, my lord?

You might just run an iron over those for me.

I wish you'd get rid of that woman!

Oh, don't be like that, dear.

You know ver well I've only got eyes for you.

That's all I ever get nowadays, eyes.

Go along with you. Have another bunch of grapes.

Excuse me, sir. Mark Antony is here.

Oh, my friend!

Let him come in. Yes, sir.

All right. You can go in now.

Thank you. Just a minute.

I'd like your sword first.

Have you gone raving mad? I'm Caesar's friend.

That's what they all say. Come on. Hand over your sword.

Go and get... Watch it!

Remember what happened to Bilious and the others.

There.

That's better. OK. You can go in now.

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

How did you manage to dispatch five of them, all by your idiot self? lt was quite simple, really.

I'm ver sorry there wasn't more of them, as a matter of fact.

I don't like things to be too onesided. Get away. Show me how you did it.

Go on. Show me.

Like this. I started off with a couple of quick parries, like that you see, followed by the riposte.

I gave him the cut and thrust, followed by the pas-dedeux, and the old onetwo.

What have I done?

Forget it. Nobody will ever notice the difference.

I'm sorry, Venus, madam.

Tony! Julie!

Oh, it is good to see you back. How did everything go in Egypt?

What a fantastic countr!

You ought to see the pyramids. And the Sphinx.

Yes, that's because they have no drains, of course.

But how did everything go? Oh, fine. Fine.

Everything went according to plan? Well, not quite.

What do you mean? You told me to get rid of Cleopatra and put Ptolemy on the throne.

Yes. I did it the other way round.

Anyone could make a mistake, I suppose. lt wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose.

Cos quite frankly, I thought she would make a much better queen than he would.

She is the right sex, of course!

Not only that. She's all for us Romans.

How do you know?

She told me that her greatest ambition is to have a liaison with you.

Hang on. Not in front of the wife.

Hello, dear. How are you?

Are you all right? Have another melon.

Tell me more about this Cleopatra. What's she like?

You have got to see her. Her hair is as black as ebony, her face is like an ivor goddess, and her neck is like a swan.

Oh, yes. Go on.

Her feet like sculptured marble. Don't leave out all the best bits!

I cannot tell you any more about this woman. She is absolute perfection.

They call her the "Siren of the Nile."

Oh! I hope she don't go off!

I mean, they do tend to in these hot countries.

Don't worr. She's got a deep frieze running round the walls of the palace.

Well, I would like to meet her.

But I don't see how I can get away again so soon.

Say it's an officiaI visit.

To do what?

Tell her they want you to open a tomb or something.

Yes. lt might work. I don't know, though. Look at her.

Julie, Julie. I tell you, you have never seen a beauty such as this.

And underneath, a raging passion, like a tempestuous stream waiting to burst its banks!

Oh, that's done it. Order my galley, and find out what time the banks open.

Come on!

(Gulls cry)

Go on. Move.

What was all that?

Just watching the galley slaves come aboard.

Right, now then.

Before Caesar gets here, let's make quite sure we understand each other.

Caesar has got to die before we reach Egypt.

I don't like it, Mark. You don't like it?

I'm not asking you to do ver much, am l?

I mean, it's not for my good, is it?

It's for the good of Rome. Are you sure?

Course I'm sure. And on top of that, when I'm emperor, I'll see you four are all right.

Ah, ver well, but I wish you hadn't asked me to slay him.

Why not? I'm his cousin.

I can't do it, can l? I'm his friend.

? Fanfare Here comes his new champ, Maximus Big Bonce.

Hail. Hail.

Morning, General. Are you all ready for Caesar to come aboard?

Oh, no. We're just standing here to give the seagulls a bit of practice.

Oh, yes? Well, er...

Where's the Captain?

Watch it! I'm Agrippa.

And I know one or two holds myself. So you wanna watch it, mate.

He's the Captain. His name is Agrippa.

Why couldn't he say so?

Now, listen to me, all you men.

Listen to...

Listen to me, all you men, I'm responsible for Caesar's safety on this ship.

So if any of you are thinking of starting anything, you've got to answer to me.

Oh! (Laughs)

I suppose you think that's funny.

Right.

I will now check Caesar's quarters. Where are they?

Over here. Thank you.

Argh!

(Clattering)

He'll have to go, too.

? Fanfare Hail, Caesar.

Hail.

Now, Julius, do remember what I told you.

Always wear your wooI vest, see the beds are aired, and don't drink the water.

Yes, yes, yes. All right, dear.

Don't have anything to do with eastern women.

I've heard funny stories about them.

It's a purely business tr...

Really? What sort of stories?

Well, there was this eastern... Never mind that!

Why you're taking her, I can't imagine.

I've told you, dear. I'm taking her to give to Cleopatra.

I don't like turning up without something. Why couldn't you have taken me?

She wouldn't want you. Now, run along, we've got to go.

Well, I'm glad Daddy is going. He can keep an eye on things.

He's doing that already, the dirty old...

Seneca. Say your farewell. Oh, yes. Goodbye, dear.

Not to her. She's going with us.

Yes, I know, but this is more fun than saying goodbye to my daughter.

Come on. We've got to get under way.

Goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye, daughter.

Goodbye, Julius.

Goodbye. Good riddance.

(Narrator) 'And so, their proud ship set saiI for Egypt.

'Little did they know that down in the engine room, 'a desperate man was preparing to bung a spanner in the machiner.'

(Overseer) ln!

Out! ln!

Out!

Put your back into it, scum!

Will you have some, my lord? I don't know, dear. What is it?

Delicious, my lord! It's peacocks' tongues and alligators' brains in aspic.

No, thank you, dear. I don't think I'll bother.

Oh. Will you have some, my lord?

Well, I wouldn't mind a little nibble, I must say!

That'll be quite enough of that sort of thing!

I only wanted to see what was for afters.

Did I ever tell you about the feast Cleopatra threw for me on her barge?

Please don't mention throwing.

You are not well, my lord? Just a little sic transit, Gloria! ln!

Out! ln!

Out!

All right. Take it easy.

Rest.

I can see the coast about a quarter of a mile away.

That must be Africa. Right.

What about a little swim, eh?

Look out, he's coming.

(Overseer) Right, you scum.

Get ready for some rowing.

(Chokes)

You've done him in.

I must've pulled the chain too hard. Oh, well.

Right, lads. Here we go. Go off as quietly as possible.

Slip over the side and swim for it.

There, Julie. Have a bit of fruit.

I might just manage a bit of melon.

Would you like some fruit, Hengist?

What's this?

They call that a banana. Comes from Africa.

Funny sort of taste, innit?

You're supposed to take the inside out. Oh. I see.

Oh, yes. Much better.

I meant to tell you. I had a smashing vision last night.

Not another one. Yes. Stop me if you've heard it before.

We were all sitting here having a meal.

You went out onto the deck, and there were Agrippa and all the other officers with their dirty great swords hanging out. Most enjoyable!

Why, what happened?

They sliced your head in two.

Oh! Oh!

Defend yourself, Caesar!

It's true!

(Antony) What's true?

Agrippa and the others, with their swords out.

Oh, good. I've never had a vision come true before.

What's going to happen to me? What?

I told you. Your head will be sliced completely in two.

Oh, shut up!

(agrippa) Caesar! Hear me!

What I am doing is for Rome.

Since you are a soldier like me, I will give you the chance to face us, sword in hand, and die with dignity!

Did you hear them? They want me to go out and face them, sword in hand, and die with dignity.

Help me!

You can borrow this if you like.

But I don't want to face them and die with dignity!

Then stick it up your toga and go out backwards.

Tony! You'll not let them slay me. You'll take them on, won't you?

I'd like to, Julie, but I can never fight on a full stomach.

Oh, woe is me. ls there to be no succour?

Yeah. There's always Hengist.

Hengist! Of course. My champion.

Where is he?

Yes?

You will go out and face them. There are only four of them.

You needn't worr. You can dispatch them quite easily.

Me?

Yes. After all, that is your job.

You're chief dispatching clerk!

But they don't want me. They asked for you.

He's quite right, you know. Mind your own business.

Pardon me, but it is my business. After all, it was my vision.

It's no good depending on that twit. He's quivering with fright.

I've just thought of something.

Why don't we all keep quiet and perhaps they'll go away.

No!

All right.

I'll just take a few... practice swings.

(Feebly) En garde!

Ha! Look at that! They'll make mincemeat of him.

We who are about to die, salute you.

Oh, don't be so formal.

Come on.

One, two, three, four!

What happened?

Ah! You would, would you? Right! Take that!

Behind me, eh?

You Roman rotter. Take that!

(Yells)

Right, that's three of 'em!

All right. (Sniffs nonchalantly)

You can come out now.

Hey! He's done it!

Oh...

Sorr to have kept you waiting so long, but I couldn't find my usuaI form today.

My champion!

Oh, isn't he marvellous?

I must do you some honour.

It's all in the course of duty, sir.

No. ln recognition of your great services to me, Centurion Pod, I hereby invest you with the lmperiaI Order of the Bath.

Don't lose that. It's the plug.

Thank you, sir. But all I really want is my freedom.

Well, we'll talk about that later when we get to Alexandria perhaps. lf we ever get to Alexandria. lf we... What do you mean?

Well, haven't you noticed? There's nobody rowing. ln! Out! ln... Oh, isn't it sickening?

The emperor of the mighty Roman Empire paddling his own canoe!

(Narrator) 'Having arrived safely at Alexandria, 'Mark Antony hurried ahead to the palace

'for his early morning cup of tea.

'He was too late. Cleopatra had hogged all the milk.

'What a woman she was, 'immortalised in Macaulay's famous poem The Lay Of Ancient Rome.

'No wonder Antony couldn't mark time!'

Cleo! Mark!

Oh, blimey. I wish you'd get out of that bath now and then.

Ah, you're cross. Don't you love your little Cleo?

As much as any man can love a woman who spends half her time up to her neck in asses' milk.

I only bathe four times a day.

They must milk those asses to a standstill.

Something's worring my little Markie.

I'll say there is. But what's wrong?

I'll tell you. Caesar still lives.

Still lives? Yeah. Still lives.

You mean he's not dead?

You catch on quick.

But I don't understand.

You said you were going to get rid of him and be emperor yourself.

I know I did, but the plot went wrong. You can't get a coconut ever time.

Oh. What a shame. I was so looking forward to cementing our alliance.

There'll be plenty of time to think about that sort of thing later.

Right now, we've got to think what to do about Caesar. He'll be here any minute.

A fine way for an emperor to arrive, I must say.

Slogging through half a mile of sand. Yes?

Good morning. My name is Julius Caesar.

I represent the Roman Empire.

No, thanks. Not today.

Well, really!

Who does he think he is? Cheek!

Think. Think.

There must be some way we can get rid of him.

I have a poisonous asp. Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I have. Look.

One bite from this is enough.

You're right.

One bite's enough for anyone. That's shocking.

No, no, no, no. lt is supposed to bite you.

(Knocking) Yes?

Julius Caesar and his party have arrived, Your Majesty.

He assures you of his good will, and sends this slave girI as a token.

Take them to my guest apartments, Archimedes, and ask them to wait.

Oh, and send the girI to my bedchamber.

Well, what do we do now, then?

Bedchamber. That's it. What's it?

Quiet. Here. Bangers, Sausages, whatever your name is.

Go to Caesar, tell him that your queen will meet him in her private apartments first crow of the cock tonight, understand?

What is going on?

I can't do a thing untiI I get him away from that bodyguard and that's where you come in.

Where have I been to?

You haven't been anywhere. You're there.

Tr using your nut for a change. All you've got to do is get Caesar alone.

Oh, that's what he's come for, money.

Alone! On his tod! By himself!

Oh. You should have said.

Just get him into your bedchamber. I'll be waiting there, and then we'll do it!

Do what?

Oh, blimey. There must be an easier way to make a killing.

(Knocking)

That'll be Cleopatra.

Shall I let her in? Just a minute.

Give me a chance to... look all sexy.

Come in.

ls that her? Of course not.

What is it, my good man? You have some message for me?

Well, speak up. Have you lost your tongue?

Oh, well, never mind. You could lose worse things than that.

I know a bit about sign language. Let me tell him.

Now, look here, my good man, that is Caesar. You know?

And he wants an alliance...

... with Cleopatra.

(Grunts)

Never mind all the maps.

When do we meet her? When?

(Grunts)

He's going to lay an egg. No, no, no. He means at cockcrow.

What cock? The morning one or the evening one?

Evening cock.

Thanks, cock. I'll be ready.

Oh, and by the way, tell her I'll be bringing my bodyguard with me.

There will be two of us.

You understand? Two.

What's happening? Put me down. Hengist!

That's enough of that. Drop it. Drop!

That's better. You want to watch it, mate.

I suppose it's his way of saying, "get knotted"!

Now, tell me again. Just listen this time.

Now, listen. You lure Caesar into your bedchamber, right?

Yes. I'm hidden there beforehand, right?

Yes. Then I run him through. You got it now?

No. Oh, strewth!

Suppose he doesn't want to be lured? He will if you get him in the right mood.

I know. I'll give him a love philtre.

A what? A love philtre.

Oh, is that what you do out here? You filter it?

Oh, no, no, no. This stuff.

You put a bit of it in their wine, and then they get all sort of... well, you know.

Oh, yes. I come across some of this in Spain once.

How long before your next bath?

Oh, not till this evening. (Cackles)

Cheers.

I usually have the blow wave.

Yes, well, I'm no good at that, sir.

But I know where I am with an iron.

Be carefuI you don't singe me.

There's nothing more off-putting in affairs of these sorts than the smell of burning.

(As woman) "I can smell something burning!

"Darling, go down and see what it is."

Spoils everything. Yes, sir.

What is it?

Beware... the ides of March!

Oh, dear, he's back. Where have you been?

The time has come.

I've seen the writing on the wall.

Oh, so that's where you've been.

Look what I've found in the market place.

Good gracious. What is it?

He can see into the future.

Go on, then. You wait untiI you hear what he's got to say.

Sooth! Sooth!

You see? He's a soothsayer.

Sooth. Sooth.

Now tell them what you told me. There is death this night.

I have seen it in the fire.

What fire? Gather round and have a butcher's.

I will see whether the goddess will grant us a further vision.

O, lsis, sweet lsis...

They're lovely!

I'm ver sorry, sir. It's an old British saying.

Sweet lsis!

Grant us a vision, we beseech you.

There!

Look. A picture is forming.

A vision.

(Seneca) Cor! Cor! Now, that's what I call a vision!

Who is she? (Soothsayer) Queen Cleopatra.

She is preparing herself for a most important meeting.

(Caesar) That will be the one with me!

(Soothsayer) Now it is time for her to get dressed.

(Caesar) She needn't bother.

(Soothsayer) Oh, she's about to step out of her bath!

It's gone. What's happened? lt always happens in the most interesting parts.

Well, don't just stand there, do something. Get it back again.

Sure. I'll have a go.

(Gibberish)

Oh, look there! Look.

Something's starting. Something's forming.

Where? lt is later. I see Queen Cleopatra's apartment.

It's all bare!

That's more like it.

(Soothsayer) lt is prepared for feasting and merrmaking.

And now, two men are entering.

Look!

(Caesar) It's me! (Hengist) And me.

(Caesar) Just look at me.

The poor girI doesn't stand a chance.

(Soothsayer) There is a fanfare of trumpets.

? Fanfare And Queen Cleopatra is brought in.

Wait a minute. What's all this? Where's Cleopatra?

Oh, in the carpet? All right.

Beat it.

Hengist, give me your sword, please.

Thank you.

Now, stand by that door and see that we are not disturbed.

A magnificent entrance, my dear.

And worthy of a great queen.

Oh, it's just practice.

So you are the great Caesar? Aha! You recognised me.

I have seen your bust.

I wish I could say the same.

Dost thou like what thou seest? I certainly doth.

Tony was right. You are lovely. I am enamoured.

I shall divorce Calpurnia and marr you.

I shall be a great emperor. You will be a great queen.

Together we shall rule the world. Any questions?

Just one. Aren't we going to cement our alliance?

Of course. I've brought along a clean trowel!

Oh, no, no, no. Not here.

Come to my room alone in one moment.

You're not going in there alone, sir?

Yes, it's perfectly all right. Nothing is gonna happen.

What are you going in for? Oh, peasant!

Come, Caesar. Sit beside me.

It's gone again. What's the matter with the wretched thing?

The fire's dying.

Absolutely sickening. We're missing all the best bits.

Wait. Look there! Look, it's started again. I see something.

(Caesar) What's happened? Where have we gone? ls this a dagger that I see before me? lt is... Argh!

(Groans)

(Narrator) 'Caesar hadn't had such a pain in the stomach

'since the day the imperiaI cook put a mustard plaster

'on his lobster thermidor.

'But all was not yet lost.

'Horsa and the other galley slaves had escaped from the galley, 'and swum safely to shore, after beating off repeated attacks of cramp and crabs, 'and made their way over the desert towards the great city, 'guided by the smell of the drains.'

I thought so. Nile water. Hey, look over there.

Cleopatra's palace.

Yes. And a galley waiting for us, eh?

We'll rest here till it gets dark, men, then we'll swim across, find some food, and it's back home to Britain. Ha ha ha!

Where am l?

He's coming to. Hurr up with that water.

I'm trying to find a clean pitcher. Forget it.

Tr and remember you're in Egypt. They only have dirty pitchers here.

What's that?

"King Tutankhamen's ashes!"

Oh!

The ashes! Now I remember!

The pictures in the fire!

Aha! Tonight's the night, eh?

What's the matter? Don't you want to meet her?

Tony, I am undone. My end is in sight.

You'd better do yourself up again quick. What's the matter with him?

We've seen visions. Oh, they were lovely.

Visions? What visions?

Me lying on the floor of the bedchamber with a dagger in my vitals.

Yes, that one was quite good, but I preferred the one of her in her bath.

Don't pay too much attention to visions. They get distorted and out of proportion.

You're quite right. She was a bit much here and there.

I wish you wouldn't keep talking about her in the bath.

This is serious. I'm about to be treacherously slain.

Julie, Julie! Why should she wanna slay you?

I just spent the afternoon with her, and all she did was talk about the kick she's gonna from of meeting you at last.

I daresay, but I think we should forget the whole thing and go home, don't you?

What? And have all Rome know that Caesar ran from a mere woman?

That would finish you.

You're right. You promised them an alliance.

You're the only bloke who can get it. Just relax and enjoy your work.

Will you go with me when I meet her, Tony? You're my friend. You are!

Julie, of course I'm your friend.

But I can't come with you right now.

There's a young lady I met here last time. Daughter of a sheik.

Arab, eh? I believe they are intense lovers.

Well, naturally, they do everything in tents!

(Laughs raucously)

Tents!

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

No. You're quite right. Tents are too draughty.

I wish you'd stick to the point. lf only that vision hadn't broken down halfway!

I want to know what happened between me kissing her and me lying on the floor.

Wait a minute. Cleopatra doesn't know what you look like, does she?

No. We've never met. Why?

Supposing someone pretended to be you.

Someone who's strong and handsome and vital.

What a good idea!

I've found something.

Here we are. This is a ver strong liquor called arak, makes you feeI a different person.

Good. Then you'd better drink it!

(Narrator) 'The stage was set. The plot was murder.

'And with the dying sun, came the sound of the evening cockcrow.

'He's late.'

(Cock crows)

'Thank you.

'Remember, Mark Antony was Caesar's friend.

'So, out of the kindness of his heart, 'he was determined not to tickle him with a jagged edge.'

Right. Here goes.

There's hospitality for you.

Tell the others to come on up.

You! Horsa!

Gloria!

Oh, am I dreaming? ls it really you?

I never thought... I never thought I'd see you again.

I searched for you all over Britain.

I can hardly believe that you...

Argh!

It's all right. They're friends of mine. Help yourselves.

Come on.

There's no time to explain now.

We have a galley below here.

Climb down to it and wait for us. All right, love? Off you go.

Seth, guard the door.

Right, lads, let's get as much of this stuff as we can into the galley.

Quick. Someone's coming. There's no time to get back. Follow me.

What the...?

ln here, gentlemen, please.

Her Majesty will be with you in just one moment.

Thank you. Oh, no. Not you. Out.

Oh, can't I stay and watch?

No, you can't, you dirty old sage.

Go on. Out.

Now, for heaven's sake, relax.

Stop playing with your thing.

I can't relax. I'm not used to this sort of thing.

What sort of thing? Oh, you know.

Making passionate love and all that.

What? But you've been married for ten years.

That's what I mean. I'm not used to it.

Oh, for Jupiter's sake, it's not as difficult as that.

You saw the visions. You saw how I did it.

And I saw what happened to you, too.

You needn't worr. That won't happen to you. You are impregnable.

Oh, please. I've explained about that once.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Making sure she hasn't got a dagger hidden in the bed.

Come on. Help me!

(Metallic pop)

There's something under the bed.

It's all right. lt won't be in that.

Come on.

There's no dagger there, so stop worring.

Hey. That wasn't there before.

What? That.

Oh, it must have been. Don't be so nervy.

What you need is a good stiff drink.

No, thank you. I don't want one.

Yes, I do.

Blimey. She must be selling tickets.

? Fanfare That'll be her.

No. That wasn't a cockcrow, that was a fanfare.

It's a fan-tailed cock by now. Pull yourself together.

Well, don't just stand there. Open it.

Go on. Open it.

Oh, go on. Unroll it.

Madam! Mate!

I'm terribly sorry.

There we are, my dear. Oh, that's not part of you, is it?

No.

The mighty Caesar does not know his own mighty strength.

So you are the great Caesar?

That's right. No, no, I'm his body belt. Bodyguard.

He is Caesar. Oh. You do not look like your bust.

No, he's not. He's just a bit cracked.

Dost thou like what thou seest, Caesar?

Well, go on. Tell her.

Hm? You know. The speech.

"Tony was right. You are lovely."

Tony was right. I'm lovely.

"I am an emperor. You will be a great queen."

You are an emperor. I'm a great queen.

Oh!

No, no, great queen.

What Caesar is trying to say, and making a right imperiaI mess of it, is that he's completely captivated by your beauty and wishes to form an alliance.

Oh, yes. Yes. And all that stuff.

Well, I do not make alliances in public, Caesar.

Well, that's that, then. I'd better be going.

Wait a minute. Come back.

No, you don't understand. He's a bit shy.

Oh, is that all? I've got something that will overcome that.

What's that? lt er... shall we say... makes one feeI a little more... friendly.

Drink this, and come to my room in one minute.

Alone!

Go on. Drink it, then.

Are you there?

Of course I'm here. How much longer are you gonna be?

(Explosion)

(Explosion reverberates)

Has it worked? Yeah.

Give me a kiss.

No, no, no. Not me. It's her. It's her.

That would be a bit better. Get out of my way.

Wait a minute. Don't overdo it. You've got to...

Don't tell me what to do...

... pheasant.

Ah, you feeI better, Caesar?

Cor!

I say!

I must have a drink of that stuff myself!

Whew! You are better!

Excuse me. I feeI a bit faint.

That's better.

Now, come and sit beside me, and we'll work out our alliance.

(Squealing)

(Both) You!

You've messed things up once too often!

Look out, Hengist!

Horsa! Where have you been?

There's no time for that now. To the galley, lads!

Right. Let's get out of here.

Sosages! Help!

Sosages!

Wait! What about poor old Caesar?

Leave him. I can't. I'm his bodyguard.

Did you see? That was Tony in there waiting for me with a dagger!

Never mind that. But he was my friend!

Come on.

Right, give me your sword.

No, no, no. Let Hengist. He's best at it.

What? You've got this all wrong. lt wasn't me.


(Hengist whimpers)

(Hengist shrieks)

I did it!

I actually did it!

Well done. Come on.

Oh, wait for me! Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Argh!

Who's this?

Just call me... urn!

(Narrator) 'So it was that Caesar's life had been saved for the third time.

'He was able to saiI home to Europe from Africa

'without having been stabbed, poisoned, choked or married.

'On the other hand, he now faced the somewhat tricky task

'of selling the senate on the idea of the wind of change.'

Well, gentlemen, here we are again.

How are you? Are you all right?

(Man) Death to Caesar! (Angr shouting)

Oh! Hello, hello!

Do I detect a feeling of animosity here?

Stabbed... six times!

Am I to end thus?

Perforated...

Oh! Et tu brute!

So dies Caesar!

Let me just say these last words to you.

Friends... Romans...

Countrmen! I know!

Oh, what's the use?

(Narrator) 'Hengist and Horsa returned to Britain.

'where Gloria shyly allowed Horsa to lead her to the altar.

'Hengist too had been far from idle.

'TraveI had opened up for him a new life that was rich and full.'

Wouldn't you like to come inside for a bit, darling?

I might.

(Eager laughter)

(Narrator) 'And as for Mark and Cleo, life was just one long Saturday night.'

Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you everywhere.

(Growls lustily)

(Roars)