Carry On Jack (1963) Script

We must have more men, Hardy, more men.

When you get back, tell them. Tell them we need more men.

We need a bigger Navy.

We must have more recruits.

You mustn't talk so much, sir.

You must save your strength.

I know.

Kiss me, Hardy.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Kiss me, Hardy.

Are you mad? What will they say at the Admiralty, sir?

They'll only be jealous.

I don't know. You're very weak, sir.

It may not be good for you.

Told you so.

It is usual for a cadet to spend a year at the Naval Academy before qualifying and passing out, but you seem to be a somewhat exceptional case, having taken...

Let me see.

Eight and a half years, sir. Exactly, Albert Decker.

Eight and a half years.

The name is Poop-Decker, sir. I have a hyphen.

According to this report, you have more than that.

But as we are short of men, we can't afford to be fussy.

No, sir. I'm sure I shall pass out all right next year, sir.

I admire your confidence, Decker, but, unfortunately, England cannot wait that long.

While we're at war with Spain, we need every able-bodied man we can get.

I use the term "able-bodied" loosely, of course.

In your case, we've decided to forgo the usual formalities of passing out, and present you with your Midshipman's sword immediately.

Oh, thank you, sir. And thank you.

Put it on.

Put it on!

Yes, sir.

You will proceed to Plymouth and join His Majesty's frigate Venus.

Aye aye, sir.

And please remember, Mr Poop-Decker, that you are a member of His Majesty's Navy, and try and act accordingly.

Don't worry, sir. You can depend on me.

That is what I am afraid of.

Whoa, there!

Plymouth town!

Hurry up, Captain Blood, or the war'll be over.

Be careful or I'll start another one. I wouldn't put it past you.

You insolent dog! Get my bag down.

You dare.

Go on! Get up!

You watch where you're going! Thank you!

Oh, well. They'll never know if I don't pull it out.


Take you to the docks, Cap'n?

Oh, yes. I want the frigate Venus. If you think he can make it?

Don't you worry about young Lightning Legs. He'll be all right.

Take your bag? Thank you.

Hey up! Argh!


Wait! Stop a minute!

Whoa! Wait a minute!

Stop it! Wait a minute!


There we are, Cap'n.

That'll be just a crown, please.

A crown? There's no bottom in that thing. I've run all the way!

Well, it's better than walkin', isn't it?

It's daylight robbery. Thank you, Cap'n. There's your ship.

Oh, good. I must find Captain Fearless.

You won't find nobody aboard her now, Cap'n.

Why not? She sails first thing in the morning.

They've all gone ashore to get a last bit of you-know-what.

You-know-what? And I know where too.

If I were you, I'd step ashore yourself.

You would?

It'll be many a long day afore you see a young wench again.

Again? But I've never...

Well, of course, I wouldn't mind a bit of...


Providing they're well-brought up ladies.

Don't you worry, Cap'n, I know the perfect place for a gentleman of quality like yourself.

Good. How do I get there?

No, not again.

Half-fare, sir, as you're partly driving, as you might say.

You're on.

We're going for a bit of...


Is that right, Ned? The Venus leaves for Spanish waters tomorrow?

That's right, my lovely. What of it?

Do you think you could you smuggle me aboard?

What for? No questions asked.

Oh-ho! That's different.

Well, what about it?

Supposing I did. What would I get for me trouble?

I've got five sovereigns saved up.

I don't want your money, my lovely.

You know what I want.

Well, what's your answer?


Thank'ee, sir, thank'ee.

He needed a rest, poor old basket. Don't mention it.

He's past it, you see.

Must be dreadful, carrying this day after day.

It's better than walkin' the streets, isn't it?

As you weren't inside runnin' in comfort, I'll only charge half fare and no tip.

That's very generous of you, thank you.

Where's my bag? You'll find plenty of them in there, sir.

I meant my duffle bag. My dad's got it. Dad?

Is he going in there after women? What do you think?

I'll go with him! You will not! You get back in there.

I thought you said he was past it! He is, but his memory isn't.

Thank you.

Oh, aren't you coming in with me? You won't need any help, Cap'n.

Yes, but if these are nice young ladies, I'll need to be introduced.

Not exactly. Now, let me see. Have you got a golden sovereign?

Yes, I think so.

There's a quaint old custom in these parts, when a young gentleman goes courtin', he holds in his hand a golden sovereign.

This shows that his intentions are honourable.

If you know what I mean.

Yes... What a charming custom.

Isn't it?

Thank you very much. You've been most helpful. Thank you.

Thank you.

I'd get in, if I were you. They'll be shut. Yes.


No! Please! I was told by a man in a sedan chair...

Please, put me down! Please... put me down.

Argh! Oh!

Oh, sorry, sir.

Come on, darlin'. You come and see what Peg's got.

Please! Come on. Come on!

Come on! That's far enough, Peg. Let him be.

Can't you see he's still wet behind the ears?

We'll soon dry 'em for him!

Oh, no, you won't!

Ow! Oh, you rotten old bitch!

Now, get out of here.

Thank you.

The same goes for you.

You ought to have had more sense than to flash your money round in a place like this.

The man said it was an old custom, you see.

I just came in here to meet a...

To have a bit of...

I know. You men are all alike.

We're supposed to be, aren't we?

Get out of here while you're still in one piece.

I think I'd better, actually.

We're sailing tomorrow and I haven't reported aboard yet.

Wait a minute. Hm?

Are you on the Venus? Yes.

I'm the new Midshipman.

Poop-Decker's my name. Albert Poop-Decker.

And you haven't even reported aboard yet?

I did try earlier but there was nobody there.

Well, I'm certainly glad to have met you, Midshipman Poop-Decker.

Yes. Well, I'm very pleased to have met you also.

What's your hurry, darling? Eh?

You don't want to go without a little bit of...

You-know-what? That's right.

Let's go somewhere nice and quiet, shall we?


Well, I don't have to carry you up, do I?

Come in, Albert.

What's the matter?

I was just remembering.

Before I left home, my mother warned me that things like this might happen.

I must write and thank her.

My mother always told me to be good. I hope I am.

You'd tell me, wouldn't you, Albert?

Haven't you ever been alone with a girl before?

No, but I know what to do.

Are you sure? Oh, yes.

Well, then, let's get comfortable, shall we?

Of course.

There... that's better.

What lovely, curly hair you've got. Thank you.

I get it from my mother, actually. She's got curls all over...

Close your eyes, you naughty Midshipman.

I'll tell you when you can open them.

Keep your eyes tightly closed, Albert.

I'm sorry, Albert.

I would've been good, I promise you.

It's the press! The press-gang, lads!

Round the back.

Come on.

Somebody must've warned them.

Evening, friend.


Are you a sailor?

Who, me? No!

I'm a cesspit cleaner.

I wondered why there wasn't anybody else about.

Wouldn't you like to go to sea, friend?

Like to go to see what?

Never mind.

Sign the gentleman on, Mr Angel. Aye aye, sir.

Can I open them now?

Where are my clothes?

We need just one more this trip. Let's try upstairs.


Get down.

Lady Hamilton, I presume.

Oh, no, I'm not a lady. I'm not even a woman.

I know what you're not, don't you worry.

I just came in here to meet a...

Well, to have a bit of... Mm-hm?

Then this girl took me upstairs and she kissed me and she told me to close my eyes like this...


And not to open them until she said.

You don't say? Mm.

Then what happened? I really don't know, sir.

Close them again, friend, and let me see if I can help you.

Like this, sir? That's right.

I wonder what it could have been that happened. Something like this?

Yes, that's exactly...

Mr Angel! Sir!

Get those women ashore!

Come on. Hurry up.

You! Bring that cow aboard!

Let fly the clew garnets.

Out on the yards, you dockside scum, or I'll take a rope's end to you!

Watch your course, damn your eyes! You're all over the cursed sea!

Belay those ropes, you fatherless knot-heads!

Mr Angel! Come on, get a move on!

Mr... Angel!

Aye aye, Mr Howett! Move it!

Where's the Captain? Still in his cabin, sir.

Still in his cabin? No-one's seen him on deck.

I'll find him.

Mr Angel, break out the new members of the crew.

Aye aye, sir.

Sir? Captain Fearless?

Captain Fearless, sir!

Who is it?

It's me - Lieutenant Howett, sir.

The ship's under way, sir. I was aware of that, Mr Howett.

Been getting a bit of fresh air, sir?

What? Oh, no, I was just... shooting the sun.

Can I offer you a glass of milk? No, thank you, sir.

It's a bit early in the morning for me.

There's nothing like it for building you up, you know.

Rather a brainwave of mine, getting that cow aboard.

With any luck, the crew should be able to have a tot every day.

Better for them than rum.

That should keep them happy. I imagine they'll be speechless, sir.

A happy ship, Mr Howett. That's the important thing. A happy ship.

Speaking of happy ships, we got a couple of new crew members last night.

Ah. Willing volunteers, I trust?

Oh, naturally, sir.

Keen and full of enthusiasm, eh?

They were carried away, you might say, sir.

Splendid. I'll have a word with them later. Where are they now?

I imagine they're still sleeping, sir.

We didn't like to disturb them too early on their first morning.

Mr Angel has just gone down to wake them now.

Avast there!

Get out of it, you mangy dogs! Get moving!

What's going on?

How dare you treat us like this?

Shut up and get up on deck!

What deck? What are you talking about?

We've been press-ganged!

Volunteers, that's what you are.

Volunteers? You don't seem to realise who you're talking to.

You've made a grave mistake. Just wait till the Captain hears...

Arrgh! Get going!

Get going!

Whose little doxy are you? What are you doing tonight, dearie?

I demand to see the Captain! Who's asking to see the Captain?

There's been a terrible mistake.

And there'll be a few more if you don't get that dress off pretty quick!

Pipe down and get on with your work, you dogs!

That's the way to talk to them, mister. You insolent upstarts.

Well done, mister. Thank you.

If you don't mind, I'm running things here.

And you're running them pretty well, if I may say so, sir.

I'll see that no blame attaches to you when I report this misunderstanding.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that, mister.

Not at all, sir. Fellowship of the sea and all that.

If you'll take me back to port, I'll join my ship.

Pipe down!

You'll get back to port all right...

Oh, good. ...ln a year's time.

A year? Oh, no!

I've got a wife and nine kids.

In that case, the rest will do you both good.

Listen to me the both of you.

You are now serving as ordinary seamen aboard His Majesty's frigate Venus, bound for distant parts as yet unknown!

Excuse me. Did you say "Venus"?

Yes, Venus.

That's all right, then. I've nothing to worry about.

You won't think that when I've done with you, mister.

But this is the ship I was supposed to join.

I'm a Midshipman.

Oh, yes. You're a Midshipman, are you?

That's right. Midshipman Poop-Decker. That's very interesting.

Would you tell me something else, friend?

Of course, sir. Anything at all for you, sir.

Who is that up there, then?

Let me see now. Um...

Is it Nelson?

No, he's got too many arms.

Too many arms.

You'll have to tell me. Who is it?

Midshipman Albert Poop-Decker RN.

Is it really? I'd never have believed you'd get two...

Just a minute. That's impossible.

I'm Midshipman Poop-Decker.

I've got papers to prove it.

The devil seize me!

I'm going to make you wish that you were never born!

I'm going to run you ragged.

Before I've finished with you, you'll be screaming for your mother!


What's going on, Mr Howett?

Oh! Just welcoming the volunteers aboard, sir.

Excellent! That's what I like to see - kindness and consideration.

What is your name, good fellow?

Sweetly, sir. Walter Sweetly.

What a pleasant name.

What was your previous trade?

A cesspit cleaner, sir.

Well, it's a very pleasant name.

And yours, good fellow? That's what I was trying to explain.

It's Poop-Decker. Albert Poop-Decker.

That doesn't seem very difficult to explain.

Why's he wearing a woman's dress?

They're a funny lot in Plymouth nowadays, sir.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Takes all sorts, I suppose. And what was your trade?

I was trying to explain, sir. I'm a Midshipman.

You're certainly a mid something. Eh, Mr Howett?

No, before you came to sea.

My father's a farmer. A farmer?

Excellent. Just what we were looking for.

My boy, you can look after my old cow.

Sir, I'm a Midshipman, not a lady's maid!


Get him out!


I haven't done anything.

I wouldn't be in your shoes for a king's ransom.

Tell me what I've done! Get in there!

Shut up! Tell me what I've done.

Ow! Ooh!

You've got to make an example of this wretch.

Trying to pass himself off as a Midshipman is bad enough, but to ridicule a member of your family in front of the crew like that...

I don't know, Mr Howett. It was quite an understandable mistake, really.

You don't know this man.

You don't know my wife. Your wife's irrelevant.

You've noticed that, have you?

I mean that she has nothing to do with the matter in hand.

I mean...

Damn it, sir! He's guilty of insolence and insubordination!

I suppose you're right. What have you to say for yourself?

Only that I spoke truly. I am Albert Poop-Decker RN.

You see, sir, a hopeless liar.

I'm afraid I agree with Mr Howett.

I flatter myself I'm an intelligent man, but look at you.

You don't even look like Midshipman Poop-Decker.

How would you know what he looks like?

How do I know? I can see him.

Look for yourself. You don't look anything like him.

You might just as well say he looks nothing like me.

Quite. I'm glad we agree.

Look at that fine, manly chest.

Don't be ashamed Poop-Decker. Not every young lad has one like that.

How right you are, sir.

The point I was trying to make is, just because he came aboard first doesn't mean that he is Poop-Decker.

I might as well say I'm Captain Fearless!

Ah, so we're getting to the truth at last, are we?

You're Captain Fearless, are you? Then why did you come...?

Wait a minute. I'm Captain Fearless.

Of course you are. This is ridiculous, sir!

If you're Poop-Decker, prove it or pipe down.

I know how I can prove it. And my mum'll back me up in this.

Albert Poop-Decker's got a mole on his...

On his what?

Just on his, sir. Oh, I see.

Have you got a mole on yours? On my what, sir?

Yes, your whatsir.

No, sir. Ah, well, I have.

And I can prove it. I'll prove it.

Please, sir, that won't be necessary.

Aha! See?

If he has a mole on his whatsir, he must be an impostor because Albert Poop-Decker has no mole on his whatsir!

This is preposterous, sir! This wretch is making a laughing-stock of us.

He is guilty of insolence and insubordination!

He should be punished severely. If I were you, I'd throw the book at him.

I don't exactly approve of brutality, but...

There! I hope that'll be a lesson to you!

No, no, sir!

As First Officer I demand that he be punished as severely as is laid down in the Articles of War You want me to punish him more?

A taste of the cat, sir.

Oh, you mean that cat.


You don't think that's a little severe?

For him, never!

Very well, then. You've asked for it!

Will it hurt?

How many? Three.

Oh, good. Dozen.

Three dozen?

You won't feel anything after the first dozen.

Why not? You'll be dead.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I don't like this. I don't like it at all.

It'll do him good, sir. He'll be a new man after it.

How do you know he wants to be? It's an outdated form of punishment.

Prisoner seized up, sir.

All men are assembled to witness punishment.

You don't think we should change our minds?

Give in now, sir, and you're lost. Am I?

Oh, well, in that case, Mr Howett, carry on.

Proceed with the punishment, Mr Angel.

Aye aye, sir.

Am I allowed a last request?

Prisoner requests permission to make a last request, sir.

What is it? What do you want?

Can I keep my vest on?

Can he keep his vest on?

Oh, yes. There is a bit of a nip in the air. We don't want him to catch cold.

It might be a good idea to wait for a better day.

Permission granted!

Thank you.

Now, for heaven's sake, proceed with the punishment, Mr Bosun.

Aye aye, sir.

Captain! Sir! Captain!

Blister my stripes, he'll have to go.

Proceed with the punishment, Mr Bosun.



I hate you.


What the devil are you up to, Mr Angel?

This isn't a knitting competition!

Captain said I could keep my vest on!

If I ever get out of this mess, I'll wrap it around your neck!

Here you are, Albert. This is going to make you feel a lot better.

Argh! Stop it, it's agony!

Oh. What is it?

The cook said if you add salt in an open wound it makes the wound heal.

That's funny-looking salt.


It's not funny-looking salt, it's funny-looking pepper, cos he hadn't got any funny-looking salt.

What are you trying to do, kill me?

Albert, you know very well I wouldn't want to do that.

You're my mate. We're friends in misfortune.

My misfortune is having a friend like you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

I know you're only trying to help, Walter. Walter...

That's better. That's more like my old mate.


I'm sorry. I forgot.

If you can't do better than that, just get out, will you?

Funny-looking salt...


Oh, that's much better, Walter.

Yes, that's very soothing.

I'm terribly sorry about all this. That's all right.

It's not your fault.

It's that dirty, sneaking so-and-so pinched my uniform and my name...

It's you! Ssh!

Don't shush me! And get your treacherous hooks off me or I'll...

Please let me explain.

You'll explain all right to the Captain.

Impersonating an officer. You can get hung for that.

How did you get hold of my uniform, for a start?

Don't you remember? I'm Sally from Dirty Dicks.

You're that girl who took me upstairs.

I'm terribly sorry but I had to do it. I was desperate.

You see, I had to get to Spain somehow.

What for? To find my Roger.

Your Roger? My childhood sweetheart.

He used to lodge with us. Yes, I've heard of that gentleman.

Four years ago, he was press-ganged onto a ship which was taken by the Spanish.

I'm determined to find him if he's still alive.

I know it's asking a terrible lot, but will you keep my secret, just until we get near enough to the Spanish coast for me to get away? Please?

It's all very well, but I worked jolly hard to become a Midshipman!

If you expose me now, they'll send me back to England.

I shall kill myself!

All right, I'll keep your secret.

Oh, thank you.

You're wonderful.

Thank you. Not at all.

Argh! Oh, my aching back.

That won't be all that's aching if you don't get off that bunk and get to work!

Yes, sir.

Mr Angel, I want you to try and make a seaman out of this sow's ear.

I don't care how long it takes or how you do it, but he'll be a seaman if it kills him!

Get moving, rot your guts! What are you waiting for? Christmas?

I want you in that crow's nest, you crawling weevil.

I know what you want.

You want me in the crow's nest.

Now get in there!


Put your backs into it, you drag-tailed jellyfish!

All right, back! Forward, back, forward, back.

Forward, back! Forward, back!

Heave to, that's enough. Let's have a look at it.

Have you got it now? Hm.

Just swing the lead twice and heave it.

Right, try it, then.

All right, heave it!

I'm terribly sorry, it slipped.

All right, now let's try it once more.

This time, keep a firm hold of the end.

All right, heave it!

Man overboard!

Clack-handed blundering bilge rats.

We could have been sunk a dozen times while you've been loading that.

Let's try it again.

This time, move!

Charge! Powder!


Ram it down hard!

Prepare to fire.


Fire! Get that ramrod out!

You're looking for something, lad?

Yes, sir. Where's the bathroom?

We don't have conveniences of that sort aboard an old scow like this, man.

We go over the side.

You've not been waiting ever since we sailed?

I want to have a bath, sir.

A bath?

I don't see what's so funny about that.

Oh, no, no, of course not, lad.

It's a very serious business, indeed, taking a bath.

Then perhaps you'll tell me where it is, sir?

Yes, of course. But you mustn't fill it yourself. That's not on.

I'll have Mr Angel get it ready for you right away, Mr Poop-Decker.

Thank you, sir.

I'll be in my cabin.

"Where's the bathroom"?

Yes, who is it?

Angel, sir. I wanted to tell you your bath is ready for you, sir.

Oh. Thank you, Mr Angel.

Just a moment.

Thank you. I'll show you where the bathroom is, sir.

In here, sir.

Thank you, Mr Angel. That will be all.

You wouldn't like me to scrub your back?

No, thank you. I can manage.

Excuse me.

Here he is, maties! The water baby!

I hope he hasn't forgot the powder for his little you-know-what!

What do you men think you're doing? Get back to your duties immediately!

What's the trouble, Mr Poop-Decker?

Isn't the bath to your liking?

I'm sorry we couldn't get you a rubber duck.

I prefer to bath in private.

I'm awfully sorry that there are so many people about, but, unfortunately, you've chosen the time of the men's recreation period, but I'm sure that won't worry you.

After all you haven't got anything we haven't got.

Oh, maties, I do believe he's shy!

What are you waiting for, Mr Poop-Decker?

I've changed my mind!

Oh, no, no. We can't allow that.

Not after all the trouble we've been to.

Help him off with his clothes, lads.

No, you don't.

You again! You just wait till I get up there to you!

On your feet! The Captain wants to see you.

Come on, get moving! All right!

I've got to pick up my ball and chain.

I'll flay the hide off you. Get moving!

Get up!

Get out!

The prisoner, sir.

How are you? Terrible, sir. Awful!

I'm not surprised, after what you did.

Don't play with me!

Keelhaul me, string me up from the highest yardarm, draw and quarter me, sew what's left in canvas and chuck me over the side.

Don't be silly. That won't make you feel better.

What are you going to do with me? Nothing.


No. Mr Deck-Pooper, Dock-Pepper, has just told us the whole thing was an accident.

You did?

Thank you. That's all right. I couldn't...

I only did it in the interests of justice, sir.

Smart young lad. We could do with more of his kind in the navy.

Am I to understand that you're pardoning this man, sir?

Of course. And I suggest we all forget the entire incident. Agreed?


And we're all friends again, eh?

Oh, come on, Mr Howett. Smile.

Be a sport.

Now shake hands on it, eh?


Accident! Accident! Accident, sir. You saw it, sir. Absolute accident.

All right! All right! I don't like the way things are any more than you do, but there's nothing we can do about it.

Get back to work or I'll flay the hides off the lot of you!

Well, Mr Angel? The lads are getting pretty restless, sir.

I don't blame 'em.

Three months at sea, and no sight or smell of the enemy.

We're not likely to. We're right off the shipping routes.

Stab my vitals, I don't know.

I've never sailed under a captain like this one before.

If he's got a heart of oak, it's got the worm in it.

Sail ahoy! Where away?

On the starboard bow!

Mr Burke!

Ah, there she is.

And she's a Spaniard!

Beat to quarters, Mr Angel! Aye aye, sir.

Hands to battle stations!

Stand by to alter course! Aye aye, sir.

Maintop men, aloft! Maintop? That's us, Walter.

What's going on? What's all this jigging in the rigging?

What's going on? We've sighted a Spaniard.

What? Where?

Oh, she's much too small to bother with.

Thank you.

Are you sure she's a Spaniard?

Yes, sir. We're cleared for action and waiting for your order.

Well, er... Um, yes. Er...

We'd better have full sail, wouldn't you say?

Definitely, sir.

Full sail, sir?

Full sail, Mr Howett.

Aye aye, sir. Full sail, Mr Angel.

Aye aye, sir.

What did he say? Why don't you listen?

He said, "Hy-aye-ya-mizzel laardarm ya-mickelansals!"


Here, what does it mean?

Roughly speaking, if the sails are up, you take 'em down.

If they're down, you stick 'em... You stick 'em up.

All sails are set, sir. Ah, right.

Now, she's going...? That way, sir.

Right. Then we'll go that way.

You mean, we're running away from her, sir?

Certainly not.

We are making a strategic withdrawal. Aren't we, Decker?

We certainly are.

With all clue respect, I'd like to remind you of our orders:

To patrol, seek out the enemy and destroy him!

Ah, but I've had other orders.

"Long sea voyage... blah blah...

"No worries... blah blah... no excitement."

These are Admiralty orders, sir? Oh, no. Doctor's orders.

He was most firm about the "no excitement" bit.

But, sir, the Venus has never run away from action before.

We're all very proud of her record of victories and the gallant men who fought with her.

I mean, look, sir. That plate on the deck.

That's where her last Captain fell.

I'm not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.

If you'll kindly set the new course.

East south-east. Wouldn't you say, Decker?

East south-east, sir.

Aye aye, sir.

Steer east south-east!

Thank you, Mr Howett. Carry on.

Come, Decker.

What goes on between those two?

He'll have to go. Which one?

Both of 'em.

Do you know what you're saying? Aye, and so do you.

If you took command, the lads would follow you to hell.

Watch your tongue, mister. I'll have no talk of mutiny on board this ship.

Don't you worry. I've no desire to swing from a yardarm.

But if the Captain were to leave of his own free will, in a manner of speaking...

And who do you think is going to make him do that?

I think I know the very man, sir.

See anything, lad? No, sir.

It's very dark, sir. Yes, I know.

Keep a sharp look-out, though. Aye aye, sir.

These are dangerous waters. Anything can happen.

We don't want to be surprised.

Don't worry, sir. You can depend on me, sir.

Good lad. Thank you, sir.

Have you got the boat down? Aye, sir, and everything in it as ordered.

Good lad.

Oh! Don't do that.

What are you doin' up here? Couldn't you sleep?

I'm on lookout.

You? What's so strange about that?

Mr Howett said he wanted a man with a keen eye and an intelligent mind.

Oh, I see!

You're lookin' out for him.


No! I am him.

These are very dangerous waters.

Anything can happen here. Like what?

Well, it's a dark night, Walter. Yes.

The enemy boat creeps alongside.

He crawls up the anchor chain, he starts to creep towards the watch.

The next thing you hear is... Eeeuuaarrgh!

Yes, exactly like that. That was good.

How did you do it without moving your lips?

Do what? That noise. That "Eeeuuaarrgh".

That wasn't me. That came from back there.

Sounded like someone being throttled. Eh?

Eh? Yes.


Who's there? Yoo-hoo!

There's no use hiding.

Where are you?

Don't do that.

What was that?

It's Mr Angel.

Are you all right, sir? Mister?

It's blood.

No... More like red jam.

Red jam? Does he look like a man with red jam in his veins?

Mr Howett...?

Mr Howett!


It seems to be working. Aye, sir.

But he gave me a nasty moment there when he mentioned jam.

I'm not wasting real blood on those idiots.

He's not here.

And where's the helmsman?

He shouldn't leave the wheel like that.

He must've gone stark, steering mad.

Stark, steering mad!

Oh, shut up, you. This is serious.

Lie low.

Here goes.

Ah! Ah!

What was that? That was Mr Howett.

Sir, what happened? They took us by surprise.

All is lost.

It's up to you...

Save the Captain.

Take boat... Oh-ah...

Sir, you can depend on me.

Did you hear that? No. What?

He said, "All is lost. Took us by surprise! Save the boat and help the Captain!"

No! Save the Captain, take the boat, you fool!

Save the Captain, take the boat, you fool!

May I, Sir? Huh?

These? Yes!

Thank you.

You get the boat. I'll get the Captain.

Wait a minute!

He never said which boat.

Captain... Captain Fearless!

You all right, sir?

It's locked. Am I too late?

I'm coming in to get you, sir!

It's all right, sir. Sir, it's only me.

What was going on? What was that shot?

There's not a moment to lose, sir.

We've been taken by surprise. All is lost. I'm to get you away in the boat.

Come on, sir.

It's no good. You'll have to go without me.

My foot...

Are you wounded? Yes, a dirty, great splinter.

I always said we needed carpets in these cabins.

You've got to make it, sir. All right. I'll try.

That's the stuff, sir.

I'll go ahead and see the coast is clear. Yes.


Oh, no... not again.

What's happening, sir? I don't know.

All he had to do was go in and get the Captain.

How difficult can he make things?

He's got even less sense than we bargained for.


Oh, who left that there?

Where's the boat? Where's the...?

Everything's all right. They're only dead.

Oh... Ah!

Albert! Albert!

Where's the boat? Where's the boat? Up there.

Well, lower it over the side!

I can't. There's another one in the way. Then we'll take that one!

Come on, Albert.

Wait! Women and children first.

But there aren't any women and children.

Oh, excellent.

Here, Walter, help him. Of course.

Pull away! Pull away!

Stab me vitals, I thought they'd never go!

Me, too. They'll be all right. It's quite a pull to the mainland.

Well, they've got plenty to drink. We saw to that, didn't we, eh?

Yes, sir.

I didn't put it in!

Somebody must have. Cows don't get into boats by themselves!

What does it matter who put it in? At least we'll have something to drink.

Exactly. Probably Mr Howett did, as a last gallant gesture.

I must remember to put that in my report. "Saved cow before himself."

Sir, don't you think it's time we took stock of our position?

Why? Well, it's usual, sir.

We haven't got a compass or a chart!

No need to worry about that.

Back on the Venus, I had our position pinpointed exactly.

Where were we?

If we sail east north-east, by the sun, we should hit the coast somewhere around Littlehampton.

I've always wanted to go there. All that lovely sand!

But we haven't got buckets and spades! And I've got none of those little flags!

Now, now! No hysteria!

We must save our strength and not panic.

Try not to think that we're alone on a shark-infested ocean with nothing to eat, hundreds of miles from land, and right off the shipping lanes...

Help! Help!

Somebody, save us! Save us!

As you know, the Captain had to leave us somewhat unexpectedly last night.

And, unfortunately, I've had to take over command of the ship.


Now, I know you want a fight... and, by heaven, I'm going to see you get one!

I've got a plan that could end this damn war in one blow!


Are you with me? Aye!


I missed it.

I missed it. It was a great big fat juicy fly, it was.

They're delicious cooked over a low candle, with a touch of hollandaise on them.

Oh, sir, we can't go on like this. We've got to have some food.

There's only one thing I can think of.

Captain Coe's epic voyage in an open boat.

73 days. Six of them set out, only three got home.

What did they live on? The three that didn't.

Water... water...

Yes? Water... water...


Not you. Water.

There isn't none.

How long have we been lying here like this?

Days and days.

I can't last much longer.

There's only one thing for it.

Swim for it and get help.

No, mustn't.

Too risky... Sharks.

Can't just lie here and watch you die.

You'd do it for me, after all I've done to you?

Goodbye. Good luck.

Just my luck - the tide's out!

Tide...? It's land!

We're saved. It's land. Over there! Land!

Come on! It's land!


Land! It's land!


Sand, sand, beautiful sand.

I don't wish to boast, but if it hadn't been for my extensive knowledge of the winds, currents, tides and so on - naval know-how, you might say - we wouldn't be here in Littlehampton.

We're very grateful to you, sir. Don't mention it, young man.

Where are you going? To fetch Mrs Fearless...

I mean, Emma, the cow.

Come on, let's find some water. Water? We've had quite enough of that.

Come on, Emma. Come on, Emma. This is Littlehampton. You're home.

Here she is!

Here we are. Terra firma at last.

You said it was Littlehampton. It is.

Listen, someone's coming! Quick, hide!

What for? They're friendly. I've got an aunt...

Don't chatter. Come on.

But my Aunt Lil's... Shut up. Shh!

Which one is your auntie?

"Littlehampton". Well, how was I to know?

Keep down. They might not see us.

They're taking all their clothes off.

I think they're going to bathe, sir. Bathe? How disgusting.

I can't understand what a lot of Spaniards are doing bathing in Littlehampton.

We're in Spain, you fool! Oh, that's all right, then.

Isn't it marvellous?

We'd better worry because if that lot catch us, it's the Inquisition!

The inky-what? The Inquisition. The torture!

They're a rough lot, these Spaniards.

They get you on that rack and start stretching you.

They start stretching you right out like that. They go to any lengths.

Then they get your hands in a vice and start turning a great big wheel.

And then it's crushing your head and off with your head, as they're touching you up with a big red hot...

Please. Please! Not on an empty stomach.

But they haven't caught us yet.

If we could get to the north coast of France, we'd have a chance.

Dressed like this? We could take our uniforms off.

Yes, we could... Oh, no, you couldn't.

Not unless we could get some other clothes.

I don't like the idea of leaving Emma behind.

Spain's full of bulls. She'll love it. Love what?

Bull. I hope so.

She'd be a stupid cow if she didn't.

Yes, that's Cadiz all right.

Any ships in, sir?

Not one. The whole Spanish fleet must be at sea.

This is going to be easier than I thought.

There'll be batteries each side of the harbour. Shall I douse the lights?

Why look for trouble? Just run up the Spanish flag.

Huh? Aye aye, sir.

Thank you, Midshipman Poop-Decker. That is much better.

That's all right, sir.

I must say, you make a remarkably good woman. Doesn't he?

Oh, yes. Very life-like, sir. Thank you, sir.

Mind you, I think you've overdone the padding a little here and there.

You don't want to attract too much attention. If you'll allow me...

Hey! I think we should be pushing along. We've got a long way to go.

Nonsense. We're well into France by now. Well into France.

Come along, sir. On your feet. Oh, very well.

That's fine. They won't get close enough to get a good look at it.

Just as you say, sir, but I think it would be better to leave one of the men aboard.

No. We might run into trouble ashore. We shall need every man we can find.

Now, get them into the boats. Aye aye, sir.

Look, sir, a harbour!

Do you know what it is, sir? Of course. It's Le Havre.

'Ere... that looks like old Venus down there.

By Jove, you're right.

It must've been the French who captured her.

Sir, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could get aboard and take her back to England?

Er... l don't think they'd like that.

No, I think we'll just look around for a small rowboat or something.

It's our duty to try and get her back.

Think what it would mean for England, sir.

Well, if you could do it without managing to upset anyone.

We don't want any unpleasant incidents with the French, especially now we're at war with them as well as Spain.

Come on.

Come on. Follow me.

Well, well...

You must be the Minister of War.

I am Don Luis, the Governor. Who are you and what do you want?

Lieutenant Howett of His Britannic Majesty's frigate Venus, sir.


You're wasting your time, I'm afraid, Your Excellency.

They are hors de combat.

So is she by the looks of her.

Mr Angel, take her outside while I talk to His Excellency.

What shall I do with her?

How long have you been at sea? 15 years.

Well, don't ask stupid questions!

Aye aye, sir.

And now, Your Excellency...

Before you get any rash ideas, I should look through this window.

There you'll see my ship, with a cannon loaded and trained on your palace here.

You appear to have me at a disadvantage, Lieutenant.

Oh! Albert, what happened? It came off in my hand.

It's all right, sir. It's only a dummy.

Oh, never mind him. Albert, you and Walter pull up the anchor.

I'll take the wheel.

This is just your order for the surrender of Cadiz and the entire Spanish fleet.

That is all. That is all?

I cannot do it. Right!

No, wait.

Let me think for a moment, please.

Are we clear, Albert? Yes.

Look, that cannon's loaded and it's pointing right at the town.

It seems a pity to waste it, eh?

Now, sit down and sign.

Blow for luck... Thank you.

Sign, Your Excellency, or I'll shoot.

Lost? Of course I'm not lost, Sweetly. What are you talking about?

I was only asking, sir, cos, you see, when we left Lee Haver...

"Lee Haver"? You know. That French place.

Oh, Le Havre.

That's right. Well?

When we left there, you said we'd be in England by morning.

Well, what about it? Well, that was four clays ago.

Albert, I've been checking up on the charts.

You know that place we started out from - Le Havre?

Yes. It was Cadiz.

Cadiz? But the Captain said it was Le Havre!

I know. That's what started me worrying.

Cadiz? That means we're a long way from home.

Yes. Oh, dear.

Don't worry. We'll get there. Yes, I suppose so.

I've been wondering why you came back.

You said you were going to Spain to find your sweetheart.

Don't you know? No.

I suppose I suddenly realised I didn't really love him.


He just swept me off my feet. After all, I was only 13.

Do you mean he plighted your thingummy when you were only 13?


Dirty rotten plighter.

It doesn't matter now. I'm just glad I met you in time.

In time for what? Oh, Albert.

Do I have to hit you over the head again?


I love you.

You love me?

That's wonderful because I love me, too... I mean, I love you, too.

It's time I had my wound dressed.

Where's Midshipman Poop-Decker?

He's down on the main deck, sir, with Albert.


I may like to run a happy ship, but this is ridiculous.

Midshipman Poop-Decker!

" Yes? " Yes?

Report to the poop deck immediately!

There's nothing in here to cover it.

Sir? Really, Poop-Decker!

I don't know what to say.

Sir, if it's about us kissing just now, it's all right, sir.

What do you mean it's all right? How can it be all right?

We're going to be married, sir. Married?

I'm afraid Albert didn't explain it very well, sir.

You see, sir, I'm not really Midshipman Albert Poop-Decker at all. No, I'm...

Ship ahoy!

I wish you wouldn't shout in my ear like that.

Beggin' your pardon, sir. Ship ahoy.

Where? Roughly broad, on the left bow.

Ah, yes, one of our luggers on Channel patrol.

Are you sure, sir?

Of course I'm sure. Do you think I don't know a lugger?

Give a signal for her to come alongside.

Aye aye, sir.

An English frigate.

Run up the flag, Hook. Let's see what she does.

Aye aye, Cap'n. Run up the flag!

I hope she doesn't make too big a fight of it.

A ship like that would suit us fine.

Aye, this one's a damn sight too small for us, that's for sure.

They're making a signal.

They want us... to come... alongside?

They what? Could be a trap.

Aye. They're a crafty lot all right, the Navy.

Well, we can be crafty, too. Run down the flag, Hook.

Get the grappling irons ready and tell the lads to stay out of sight till we get alongside.

Aye aye, Cap“-

Down here, sir? Yes, about there.

Easy does it.

Ah, that's it.

Now, we may be a weary and depleted crew, but we must still welcome her Captain aboard in a fitting and traditional manner.

Yes, sir, if you're sure it's an Englishman...

Midshipman Poop-Decker, don't interrupt.

Where was I? As they come alongside, we'll give them three rousing cheers.

Here they come. Have you got your call ready?

Yes, sir.

After you've piped her Captain aboard, I'll make a speech.

Right, give them three hearty cheers. Hip-hip...!



That's not a patrol boat. They're pirates! Well, anyone can make a mistake.

There she goes!

And now... what are we going to do with our prisoners, eh?

If you don't mind me saying so, that was foolish, sinking your own ship, I mean.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Why? Well, how are you going to get home?

You haven't got the idea, mate.

This is our ship now. How will you get home?

What a sorry-looking shark.

If this is the best the English can do, heaven help them.

You won't need that no longer, mate.

How's that, lads?

Who wants another hat?

It's a girl! A girl?

My dear, then you weren't overdoing the er...

Well, this is really somethin', ain't it!

Get your hands off her!

Stand back, you dogs!

What the devil is going on here, Hook?

One of the prisoners, Captain. It's a girl. What?

Roger! Roger... the lodger!

I know that face...

Rot my guts. Sally.

Sally, from Dirty Dick's.

You have grown into a handsome piece.

Get back, you scum! She's not for the likes of you.

Come here. I'll take care of this one.

What about the rest? You know what to do with them, Hook.

Aye, Captain.

Run out the plank, lads!

Roger. I hardly recognised you. You've changed.

Yes, you look a bit different yourself.

Er... l thought you were a prisoner in Spain.

No, I deserted in Morocco.

I find piracy much more to my taste than the dratted Navy.

Especially when I can take prizes like you. Come, wench!

Oh, Roger, please, no! I no longer love you. I love another.

Love? Who cares about love? Kiss me!

No! I'll kill myself first.

But you're mine. We promised each other.

It's too late. I'll never be yours willingly.

Damn Wench, you'll be mine willingly or else...

Do you want to see the fun?

No! Yes...

Yes, let's watch this together.

It may make you change your mind.

All right, you first!

Well, get on with it!

Does he want to make a last-minute request?

Yes, I do, please. Well, what is it?

Could he show me how to do it? What?

You see, I've never done it before.

Perhaps your Captain will be good enough to show you.

Me? No, I'm terribly sorry. I'm incapacitated. My foot, you know.

What are these, men or mice?

You, help him.

Look, I've got just one thing to say to you!


I'll help him.

Piggyback, sir? Thank you, Albert.


Come on!

Are you all right, sir? Yes, thank you. You will be careful?

Don't drop me. I'll try not to, sir.

No! Stop!


Spare them and I'll be yours. Willingly?

Willingly. It's a bargain.

Hook, put 'em in irons!

All right. Come back, you two.

Sally, I can't let you do it. I'll kill the lot of them first!

You will, will you?


Oh! Oh!

Don't just stand there! Get him!

That's far enough! I'm warning you! Thank you, Walter.

All right. Come on. Come on, just try me.

Come on! What are you waiting for? Come on!

What are you afraid of?

You just try me. I'll cut you to pieces!

Hang on, Albert. Hang on!

Get after him, you fools! He can't get away.

Come on, get him, Hook!

Damn you, use your pistols! Shoot him down!

Well, gentlemen, I'm sure you are anxious to know why I have brought you to Corunna.

To be shot?

Of course.

But first I wish you to have the pleasure of seeing the great armada of Spanish ships assembled here to invade your country.

How many ships? And when do they sail?

Five men-of-war. At dawn.

I don't believe you.

I did not think you would. That is why I want you to see them.

Captain, the guard.

Nice work, Mr Angel. Thank you, sir. What now?

You heard what the man said.

There are five ships ready and waiting for us.

Forward, men! Left-right, left-right...!

Land ahoy! Where away?

Ten points off the port bow!

Mr Angel! AYE aye, sir?

Take the wheel. Aye aye, sir.

Yes, it's England!

We've done it, sir. We've done it! Yes.

All the way from Corunna with five Spanish ships, and only four men to a ship. How about that?

Think of the prize money! I can stay drunk for a year!

Think of the glory. We'll go down in history.

The only men to capture five ships intact without a shot being fired.

I can't wait to sail this lot into Plymouth.

We're flying the Spanish flag. Will they fire on us?

Oh, we've got identification pennants.

We'll keep as far inshore as possible and let them get a chance to see them.

Four points to leeward, helmsman. Four points to leeward, sir.

Steady as you go.

Mr Sweetly! Yes.

Aye aye, sir. Aye aye, sir.

That's better. On the quarterdeck. Jump to it!

Yes? Aye aye, sir.

Ave aye, sir!

Good. Are all the guns primed, loaded and ready to fire?

Aye aye, sir.

What's the good of having the guns all primed and ready to fire anyway?

What's the good? Yes.

Don't imagine for a moment we're going to be taken by surprise again.

If anyone tries to board us, they'll get more than they bargained for.

We won't get caught with our gun ports down.

Oh, if that's all there is, I might get some sleep.

Take the wheel. Oh, have a heart, Albert.

Stop calling me Albert!

Acting Captain Poop-Decker, RN, sir, with a hyphen.

Any orders for me, sir? Yes, um, aye aye. Um...

Check the guns... Aye aye, sir.

...feed the prisoners... Aye aye.

...attend to the Captain's foot... Aye aye.

...and before you go... Aye aye?

Give us a kiss. Aye aye, sir.


And all I get is the scrubbing.

If this wind holds, we'll be in Plymouth by sundown.

Aye, just in time for a glass of rum.

Don't get in too close. There are some nasty reefs around here.

Don't you worry, sir. Nothing can stop us getting there now. Nothing.

Ship ahoy! Where away?

South south-west.

Yes, I see her. Looks like a frigate.

That's all right, then. Probably come to investigate us.

Still, we don't want any mistakes.

You'd better see they're flying identification signals.

Aye aye.

What's the trouble? Ssh!

I thought you ought to see him, Albert, sir.

He seems to be in a permanent daze.

He always is.

No, it's more like a coma. And look at his foot.

Eurgh! Should it be that colour?

I don't like it. No, I never did like green.

You've got to do something.

What do you expect me to do? Bleach it?

It's infected, Albert. It has to come off.

Yes, you're right. It's got to come off. Right away.

Right away.

You can do it. I know you can.

Yes, I can...

I can do it?

You have to, Albert. You're the Captain. It's your responsibility.

If you don't, he'll die.

Yes, of course you're quite right. I've got to do it.

I'm the Captain, you know.

I've got nothing to worry about. No need to worry about a thing.

All you need is a steady hand... and a keen eye.

Where's the door? Where's the door?

Come on... Walter. Walter!

Walt... Walter. Look at him!


Walter! Walter.

Oh, I must've dropped off.

Never mind that, Walter. Lash the wheel and come below.

Here, you called me Walter. You haven't clone that for clays.

All right! All right! Just lash the wheel!

I need all feet to help with the Captain's hands...

I mean, I need all hands to help with the Captain's feet. His foot.

We'll need... What do we need?

A saw. A saw.

Saw. Saw?

Knife. Knife.

Knife. Knife...

Oh, no, I mustn't start that.

Sail-maker's needle. Sail-maker's needle.

Sail-maker's needle.

Oh, and thread. And thread.

And Fr... Who's Fred?

Yeah, who's Fred? No, thread, you fool!


And plenty of hot water. Everything must be boiled.

Come on.

Boil everything? Galley stove isn't working.

That's the old Venus. Are you sure, sir?

Of course. I'd know her anywhere.

How can she have got here? I don't know.

But if she doesn't alter course, she'll come across our bows.

Ah, she's bound to have spotted us.

I'll make a signal for her to give us sea room.

Everything boiling, you said. And it will. Cor, that's hot already!

There we are.

Ah... ah... where am I?

It's all right, sir. You're all right.

Oh, Mama. Mama, is it time to get up?

Oh, he's delirious.

Oh, Papa, what were you doing with Nanny in the summerhouse?

He's disgustingly delirious.

Don't you worry. We'll have you hopping about in no time.

Don't let them send me to sea. I don't want to go to sea, Mummy!

I won't, no. No, I don't want to go.

I want a nice desk job.

Yes, well, after this you'll probably get one, sir.

Are they all right? I think so.

How long did you boil them? Four minutes.

They'll still be soft.

Oh, goody-goody! Daddy's going to make me a rocking horse.


Walter... hold his shoulders.

Ready, sir. What?



This may hurt just a bit, sir.

I don't understand it. Our signals are clear enough.

What's the matter with them? Are they blind or something?

Wait a minute.

I can't see anybody.

There's nobody on deck!

Ahoy, there! Give way!

Albert... Ssh, don't interrupt me now.

But, Albert... Be quiet!

I never thought it would be this tough.

But, Albert, you're sawing through the desk as well.

Why didn't you tell me?

We'll have to go about, sir!

How? We'll be on the rocks if we do!

What the hell's the matter with the fools?


Blister me tripes, they're on fire!

Here... Wait a minute... What is it?

I thought I could smell burning. At a time like this? Shut up.

I'm sure I can smell burning.

You can smell whether you're burning or not!

No need to be rude.

I'm positive I can smell...


You made me miss it again. Here, use this.

They're firing on us now!

Hey, don't fire! We're on your side!

Here, what's all that noise about? It sounds like a battle.

What noise? Wait a minute. Listen.

That's thunder. Oh.

Look, you've made me drop a stitch!

Oh. I shall have to unpick it.

Put about!

Put about! He's mad.

All right, boys, abandon ship!

Swim for it!

There. That's it. It's finished.

Oh, Albert, I'm so proud of you.

Yes, it's a very neat job.

Thank you.

I need a breath of fresh air.

What happened? Albert, look!

You were right. It was a battle.

I'm glad we didn't get mixed up in it.

Oyez! Hear all about it!

"Spanish invasion fleet completely destroyed off Cornwall by single frigate!"


In recognition of your gallant action against overwhelming odds, His Majesty hereby confers on you all the Freedom of the City of London.

And a life pension for you and your families of seven shillings and sixpence a year.

Seven and sixpence! Thank you. Thank you, my lord.

But that is not all, gentlemen.

Midshipman Poop-Decker and Able Seaman Sweetly... you are henceforth granted the rank of Honorary Captains.

That's very nice of you, my lord.

Thank you very much, but I'm giving up the sea.

Yes, well... What was that? He's giving up the sea.

We're going to be married. Bless my soul!

Captain Fearless, I trust you will accept the rank of admiral and a permanent desk here.

A desk here, my lord? I'm overwhelmed.

That's the second desk job he's had