Catch-22 (1970) Script

What about the others? I'd be playing a dirty trick on them.

They'll be happy you're gone. They have a war to win.

Well... what the hell.

If they don't want any more missions, let them stand up and say so.

Precisely. Exactly.


Help! Help!


Help him!

What? Help him! Help him!

Help who? Help the bombardier!

I'm the bombardier, l'm all right. Then help him! Help HlM!

Snowden. What'd he say?

He said, "Snowden". Snowden's dead.

Snowden?

Why's he talking to a dead man? He's Yossarian. He's crazy.

Who says so? I do.

Cos l hate that son of a bitch? Who?

Colonel Cathcart. I didn't ask you.

Cathcart isn't here. Who mentioned him?

Colonel Korn isn't here. Who mentioned him?

Who do you hate? What son of a bitch lS here?

You don't make sense. You got a persecution complex.

Damn right. You admit it!

I admit l'm being persecuted, by them!

Who specifically is "them"? All of them! Who do you think?

I've no idea! Then how do you know they aren't?

Ahhh!

That's sheer what-do-you-call-it. Sophistry.

Like hell it is, McWatt. They're trying to kill me!

No one's trying to kill you. Eat your dessert.

Then why are they shooting at me? They're shooting at everyone.

What difference does that make? Suppose everyone thought like you?

I'd be a fool to think different. You need your head examined.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Look at it once, will you? Yossarian, your head is OK.

Please, don't do that.

Yes. What? Doc? Doc?

I want you to ground me. Don't start that again.

Doc, l don't want to fly any more. Why?

It's dangerous.

Listen, l told you... Let's get out of here, huh?

I've flown 35 missions. Now that nut has raised it to 50.

In any other outfit l would've been rotated after 25. Help me out.

I'm due for rotation myself soon if l don't cause trouble or break any rules.

One rule says l can't ground anyone just because he asks me to.

Can you ground someone who's crazy? Of course. A rule says l have to.

L'm crazy! Who says so?

Ask Nately, Dobbs, McWatt... Hey, Orr, tell him!

Tell him what? Am l crazy?

He's crazy, Doc. He won't fly with me.

I'd take good care of him but he won't. He's crazy, all right.

See that? They all say l'm crazy. They're crazy.

Why don't you ground them? Why don't they ask me?

Because they're crazy! Of course they're crazy.

You can't let crazy people decide whether you're crazy or not, can you?

Ls Orr crazy? Of course he is.

He has to be if he keeps flying after all those close calls.

Then why don't you ground him? He has to ask me.

That's all he's gotta do? That's all.

Then you can ground him? No. Then l cannot ground him.

There's a catch.

A catch? Sure, Catch-22.

Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so l can't ground him.

OK. Let me see if l got this straight.

In order to be grounded, l've got to be crazy and l must be crazy to keep flying.

But if l ask to be grounded, l'm not crazy any more and l have to keep flying. You've got it! That's Catch-22.

Whoooo!

That's some catch, that Catch-22. It's the best there is!

Good afternoon, this is Major Danby, your Flight Operations Officer, welcoming you to today's mission.

You've all been briefed on this morning's run, so l won't go over it.

There's no sense naming names since the enemy is probably listening and there's no reason l can think of to tell him where we're going to strike.

That's the stupidest goddamn thing l ever heard him say.

That's right!

Weather conditions have improved tremendously, so you won't have any trouble seeing the target.

Of course, you mustn't forget, that means that they will have no trouble at all seeing you.

Colonel Cathcart would like to say a few words before takeoff.

And so, without further ado... Give me that!

Men, l'm not gonna waste any more of your time than l have to.

I wanna wish you good luck on today's mission.

To those of you who won't be coming back, we're gonna do our best to take care of your wives and/or sweethearts.

And don't forget, General Dreedle wants to see a nice, tight bombing pattern on those aerial photographs.

Everyone ready to go?


Colonel Korn, stay in the tower. Sir?

Stay on top of this. l'd like to know when my boys make target.

Yes, sir!

What is it, Lieutenant Minderbinder?

An egg, sir. L know that, Lieutenant.

A fresh egg, sir. Where did you get the egg?

In Malta, sir, where there are enough chickens to lay fresh eggs for every officer in the squadron, at five cents apiece from the mess fund.

Yes? With a profit of two cents per egg.

For whom?

Sir, for whomever sells the eggs to the mess.

And who may that be, Milo? Ah, sir.

Oranges from Marrakech, pecans... Pecans?

And in Palermo, 10,000 gallons of the finest ltalian olive oil.

The Sicilians need blankets. It would be a fair trade.

They're interested in Sardinia.

All we need is the cooperation of the countries we're dealing with.

What countries?

The African nations, countries in the Greater Mediterranean area.

So what we need is an additional assignment of personnel, a little time and a plane.

What plane? One of ours, sir. lf l had one, l could get the gasoline to Malta and bring the eggs back.

All right.

And if l was taken off combat duty until l get this into operation...

But Milo... l know, sir, l'm just an acting mess officer but it requires my full attention. It's to everyone's benefit.

Take whatever you need. Thank you.

I hope to give the men the finest cuisine in the entire world.

Uh-huh... lsn't that something to shoot at? Yes, Milo, it certainly is.

With your permission, l'd like to show you something l've had printed.

What is it? Just an idea, sir. lt's a share.

A share? Ln M&M Enterprises.

If we get my ideas into practice, it should be organised like a mart.

A mart? Yes, sir, a syndicate.

An enterprise. There are tremendous profits to be made, Colonel.

For us? For everyone.

What will be good for M&M Enterprises will be good for the country.

You'll have our full cooperation. Thank you, sir.

If l take a plane this afternoon, l'll get this material to Alexandria.

There's a huge cotton crop. Cotton?

Cotton is a very liquid commodity. How much?

We'll trade for it, sir. With what?

Silk! 4,000 yards of silk.

How in the world did you get hold of so much silk?

Where the hell's my parachute?

OK, all right, which one of you bastards stole my parachute?

Hello, hello, this is the bombardier here. We gotta turn back.

Uh, Nately, we gotta turn back now.

Nately! Do you hear me up there?

We gotta turn back. OK, we're gonna turn back now.

Nately, let's turn back. We're gonna turn back!

What is it this time, Yossarian?

Some bastard stole my chute! Aahh!

Anything the matter? My parachute. lt's gone!

Don't worry about it. What do you mean?

What do l do if l have to bail out, use my handkerchief?!

That kind of humour in the face of adversity keeps America strong.

I like you, Yossarian.

Aardvark, l'd like to kill you but l haven't got time.

You could have my chute but l gave it to Milo.

You gave it to Milo? He's got all the chutes.

He's got a hell of a deal going for silk in Alexandria.

Maybe l do have time to kill...

Looks like they've seen us coming. They've seen us!

Oh, God, they've seen us! Get ready to dump those eggs.

They're shooting at me! Where are we?

Aardvark, where are we?

L think we're there. 'We're there?'

We're there? We're there!

Get ready to turn!

Four, three... two, one, drop! Let's go!

Turn right hard! Turn, turn!

Turn, you son of a bitch! Turn right!

Turn, turn right! Look at that, will you?

I think we've got 'em this time, where it hurts.

Get out. L can't hear you.

Get back in the ship! What's that?

Oh, climb, you bastard! Climb! Climb!

Fire! Fire on board! Fire? Where's the fire?

Get out of the nose! 'l'm not in the nose.'

Speak up. l still can't hear you.

They're trying to kill us. Get out of here!

'Which way should l go?' Turn left, you son of a bitch!

Look, there goes Orr.

That stupid little bastard. Pull out!

Hey, l think you've caught a little something there.

Is it my leg?

Hey, is that my leg?

What's with my leg? Take it easy.

My leg!

Yossarian's caught one.

What's that? 'Help him!'

What? 'Help him! Help him!'

Help who? 'Help the bombardier!' l'm the bombardier, l'm all right. 'Then help him! Help HlM!'


lt's, uh...

What's his name, the new gunner? 'Snowden.'

Yeah.

Snowden.


L'm cold. OK. You're gonna be OK.

I'm cold. l'm cold.

Over here! Hurry up!

Hey!


What? L asked how you were feeling.

Oh.

Better, thank you.

What about you?

Me? Fairly well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Except for a slight head cold. Mmm.

Had it for about a week, can't seem to shake it.

Well, you know what they're like.

No, l, uh... l don't.

L've never really had a head cold. L've tried but...

Can't seem to be able to get one.

Well, you're very lucky.

Yes, l suppose l am.

Except for this piece of shrapnel l caught in my leg.

Yes.

L've never caught a piece of shrapnel.

Mmm.

You're a chaplain!

Yes. Didn't you know that?

No, l didn't. l've never really seen a chaplain before.

I had no idea chaplains looked like that.

Well...

Well, if l can do anything to help you, anything at all, you...

Anything?

Like books, or-or... cigarettes.

Toys?

No, l have everything l need, thank you very much.

Ah...

You could do one thing for me. What?

You could speak to Major Duluth. The Squadron Commander?

I don't want to fly any more.

Cathcart raised the number of missions! He's trying to kill us all!

L can't do it, l'm desperate! Lt's not my business... l'm desperate! L'll see what l can do.

I really will, l'll... l'm gonna do my best.

It takes me 45 minutes to do this thing.

First l sauté the chicken parts, then l put the raisins and the onions in.

Three packets of garlic, don't forget the garlic.


He-he yelled.

L'm... l'm awfully sorry, sir.

What's your name? Major, sir.

Not your rank, l asked your name.

No, sir. l'm a captain. My name is Major. Captain Major.

Just about as clear as mud, isn't it?

That's what it's just about as clear as.

Listen, Captain. You know Major Duluth, the Squadron Commander?

He's a fine man, sir. Was.

Sir? Major Duluth is dead.

I'm distraught to hear that, sir.

You may be distraught but he's dead. Shot down over Perugia today.

That'll teach him to go on missions when he should be in the office.

L don't see... We need a new Squadron Commander.

And you're the only major available on our headquarters staff.

No, Major is my name, not my rank.

That's close enough for me, Major. Consider yourself a major.

I don't know anything about being a commander.

We all have to make sacrifices, Major.

Sir, l'm in Billeting and Laundry!

I know that, sir, but we all have to do our part, l guess.

Well, l don't like my part.

Sergeant, l'm going to take the rest of the afternoon off and lie down in my tent and think about things.

Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.

Now? Yes, sir.

Who is it? Captain Tappman, Group Chaplain.

What does he want?

I don't know, sir, something to do with Captain Yossarian.

Look, um, Sergeant...

My job is tough enough without having to deal all the time with people who want something.

Do l make myself clear? Yes, sir.

I suppose you're wondering about this.

Sir, it's not my place to wonder.

Did you know people stare at me? No, sir.

They think, "Who is that Major Major, "that he gets to be commander without ever having flown?" l don't think people think that. Well, they do.

When l have this on, they don't know who l am.

Did... Did you know in the Middle Ages princes and kings put on disguises and walked around their subjects?

L didn't know that. You don't know everything, do you?

No, sir. Why did they do that? Why did who do what?!

Why did they walk around in disguise?

How the hell am l supposed to know? I'm not some historian or anything.

I'm just a guy trying to do his job. Good afternoon, Sergeant.

Sir?

What is it now? What do l do with the Chaplain?

I don't want anyone to come and see me while l'm in my office.

What do l say to people who want to see you?

Ask them to wait. For how long?

Until l've left.

Then what? L don't care.

L send them in after you've left? Yes.

You won't be here then. No.

Also, l don't want you coming in while l'm here asking if there's anything you can do.

When should l ask if there's anything l can do?

When l'm not there!

What do l do then? Whatever has to be done.

I'm sorry to have to talk to you this way, but l have to.

Goodbye. Goodbye, sir.

Sergeant? Yes, sir?

Thank you, for everything. Thank you, sir.

Major will see you now, Father.

Thank you.

You don't have to call me Father. Sergeant Towser speaking.

Will you go in?

Yes, sir. l have it here, sir.

There's no one here.

Where? Ln Major Major's office.

When? When you go to see him.

What l mean is you can't see him when he's there, when he's in his office, l've tried several times.

When can you see him? Ever? Yes, yes.

Yes, indeed, you can see him when he isn't there.

That is, he'll see you, all right, but only in his office and only when he's not there.

The other times, when he's in... he's not... there... to be seen.

Except when he's out.

What the hell are you talking about, Father?

Sir? Get your ass in here, Padre.

Are you describing some mystical experience?

Some peculiar things are happening.

You haven't had ecstatic visions? No, sir.

Didn't see a burning bush, hear any voices?

Nothing quite so extraordinary. L hope not.

We have to keep our supernatural episodes down to a minimum, with a war to win and all that. Absolutely, sir.

May l ask where we're going? Where WE'RE going?

You are going to Colonel Cathcart's office.

Now? That's the general idea, Padre.

Uh, i-is there anything wrong? Have l done anything?

I don't know. Are you and Captain Yossarian up to something?

L don't know what you mean. Then who does?

L don't know, sir. You don't know much about anything.

No, sir. Sir? What is it?

It's not necessary to call me Father. I'm an Anabaptist.

Well, thanks for setting me straight on that.

L thought you'd like to know. You're a captain, right?

L'm a lieutenant colonel. Correct? Yes, sir, it is.

Then l can call you anything l want, unless you have some objections.

Out! Thank you, sir.

Uh, sir, do you think now...?

Morning. Anything l can get you? Morning, Lieutenant. What?

Do you need any supplies? No.

Whiskey, silk stockings, fresh fruit?

The Colonel loves fresh fruit. What about religious supplies?

I can get hold of an entire shipment of religious relics, blessed by the Pope himself.

Includes the wrist and collar bones of some of your top saints.

That's very kind of you. Lf you need anything, ask for Milo.

L've never been issued a blanket. Anything at all, now!

Yeah?

I think the Colonel wants to see me.

He does? L believe so. l'm...

Chaplain Tappman. You're Chaplain Tappman?

Have a seat. l'll tell the Colonel you're here, Father.

It's not...

You'd better get some dry things.

Oh, l will, as soon as the Colonel is through with me.

They just got me out of the sea. They did?

L drifted for almost three days. You should report to the hospital.

You could catch pneumonia. Oh, no, not me.

This is my fourth time. How do you mean?

L've put down in the Mediterranean once, once in the Adriatic, then l crash-landed one plane and l bailed out once.

You're very lucky. That's what some folks say.

Yossarian says they're gonna start taking it out of my salary.

Yossarian?

He's a friend. Do you know him? Yes, as a matter of fact...

Captain Tappman! Yes?

Perhaps you shouldn't fly any more. Lt's good practice.

Tappman, the Colonel is a busy man. Yes, of course.

Well, Chaplain, we don't see much of you around here lately.

Well, sir, l try to stay out of the way as much as possible.

L make the men uncomfortable. Nonsense!

I can't imagine any man not enjoying the benefits of your presence.

Unless, of course, they're atheists.

Not much chance of that, though. L don't know, sir.

Lsn't atheism against the law? No.

It isn't? Then it's un-American, isn't it?

L'm not sure. Well, l am.

If l find any atheists on this base, you can bet they'll soon start believing in something.

That's not why l called you in, Chaplain.

I want you to take a look at this.

Page 48.

Don't read the whole thing. You can get the point from the photographs.

There's a full-page picture of a colonel in England whose chaplain conducts prayers before every mission.

I see no reason why the Saturday Evening Post should not be interested in the story of my outfit.

Think up some nice, snappy prayers to send the men out feeling good.

Can you do that? Hm?

L'll try. Well, good! Let's get to it!

Yes, sir.

Is there something else?

Sir, it may be none of my business but some of the men are particularly upset about the fact that you keep raising the number of missions they have to fly.

You're right, Chaplain. L am, sir?

That it's none of your business. And it's none of theirs either.

Their business is to fly missions.

Your business is to think up catchy prayers that'll get me into the Saturday Evening Post.

Good afternoon, Chaplain! Yes, sir.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Padre.

He says the men are upset because l keep raising the number of missions.

Yossarian. What?

It's that Captain Yossarian. He's always bitching and making trouble.

What can we do about it? What would General Dreedle do?

He'd crush him.

Tear him apart! Smack him in the face!

Jab him in the kidneys! Kick him in the balls!

Keep your head down between your legs.

Try to breathe deeply and evenly.

I'm sorry, Captain. I know how that must feel.

L don't think so. Try not to talk.

Just think about nice things.

Think about how lovely it is here, how lovely it could be if someone didn't always try to spoil it.

Why do you always try to spoil it? Because l love you.

I know that, Captain. l know that.

But this is wartime. We've got a job to do, soldier.

We just can't give in to ourselves. Think how it is for me.

One of a handful of women on an island with thousands of men.

Men who are giving up their lives for our country, for me.

Think about... Captain Yossarian!

What are you doing?

Listen, l'm gonna die.

No, no. No, no, no, no. Yes, mm!

Oh, God. Oh...

What is it?

What's the matter? Oh!

The name of the town is Ferrara and it's right around here.

It's a very pretty town, on the coast...

You all right? Lt's her, it's her!

Who? Who? Dreedle's WAC!

If you do your job well, there won't be much left, anyway.

Intelligence reports indicate you shouldn't have to worry about flak.

We were hoping for some new recon photos of the area.

Unfortunately, they haven't arrived but then, no news is good news.

A lot of you may ask yourselves, "How come we're out to destroy a town with no industry, "no enemy bases, no strategic value to anyone?"

Attention!

As you were. Good morning, gentlemen.

We're honoured to have General Dreedle at today's briefing.

Don't pay any attention to me, just carry on as usual.

Don't pay any attention to Dad. Will you clam up?

Don't call me Dad.

Go ahead with your briefing, Major. Yes, well... Thank you, sir.

I was just telling the men here that...

Don't tell me. Tell them! Tell the men, Danby.

Yes. l was just explaining why we're going to obliterate...

What about a chair? Sir?

A chair. L beg your pardon, General?

A chair!

Doesn't anyone know what a chair is?!

Can't you see a lady is standing?

A chair for Dad's gir... for the lady!

Carry on.

We're now going to synchronize our watches.

Now, we've all done this before, so l don't think we're going to have any problem.

If everyone will be kind enough to look down at his watch, we'll begin.

It is now 1 1 15 hours minus 50...

49, 48, 47... Mmm.

46, 45, 44, 43...

Mmmmm. Yossarian.

Ohh... Oh-oh... ..40, 39, 38, 37...

..36, 35...

..34, 33, 32... Mmm.

..31, 30... Ohh-oh...

..29, 28, 27...

..26, 25, 24...

Somebody's gonna get it! ..22, 21, 20...

..19, 18, 1 7...

..16, 15, 1 4, 1 3, 1 2...

All right, at ease! ..1 1, 10, 9...

There'll be no more moaning in this outfit.

The next man who moans is going to be very sorry.

..one!

Ohhh.

Who is this man?

Major Danby, sir. Danby. D-A-N-B-Y.

Take him out and shoot him. Sir?

L said shoot him. Take Major Danby out and shoot him.

I think you'd better wait a minute, Dad.

What? L don't think you can shoot him.

Why the hell can't l?

Why not?

You mean l can't shoot whoever l want to?

Ls that a fact? L'm afraid it is, Dad.

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

Just because my half-wit daughter married you for some reason...

Oh, no, Dad, it's just...

Let the insubordinate son of a bitch go but get him out of here.

Better do something. All right, men, l think we... owe a vote of thanks to the General for visiting us and cheering us up.

In his honour, l'd like to make an announcement which may be of interest.

I know you're anxious to do your part...

Here it comes.

As of now, the number of missions required before you are eligible for rotation is raised to 75.

I know we'll all do our best. Ten-hut!

What are you smiling at, you silly bastard?

Now l won't have to go home. You what?

I can stay. I don't have to leave her.

What are you saying? L love her.

I do. l really do. l've never felt like this, not even for my mom.

Men don't fall for girls like that.

Men always fall for girls like that.

Ah, one or the other.

I'm gonna take her back to Long lsland.

You don't really love her. You think you love her.

How can you tell the difference between love and thinking it's love?

You have to be objective. Who's objective?

I am, because l'm not in love with her.

You mean you think you're not. Right.

Then how can you tell the difference?

Wait a second...

Hey, look!

Look what Aarfy's got. Say goodbye, McWatt. Come on!

Figli Di puttana! My dear, we had a lovely day.

Did you see what he did? Make him tell you what he did.

What'd you do, Aarfy? Nothing. Nice girl. Very nice girl.

She wanted us to go home with her to show us a good time.

We had a good time. We saw the Colosseum and other swell sights.

Why didn't you take her home? L can't take advantage of a kid.

Old Aarfy's got some principles. You've got a diseased mind.

She just wanted to jump in the sack.

She's mixed up. I gave her a good talking to.

He did!

I straightened her out and sent her home.

You crazy bastard! You're beneath contempt.

He's got a dirty mind. L don't see it that way.

They want us to go home with them. How much?

$30! Who's the little runt?

Nately's whore's kid sister.

I wanna spend some time with my girl. L'll pay for us.

Give her the 30 bucks and send the other two away.

She'll be angry with me for making her work.

She said if l really loved her, l'd sleep with the other two.

I swear, you fellas...!

Come on, Yossarian, let's go!

Go on, you go.

What's wrong? What isn't wrong?

Two more missions and we go home. You know what's gonna happen.

No. Some replacement pilots came into Naples yesterday.

Who says? Milo.

He just left there with loads of coconuts.

We'll never see those replacements or those coconuts.

Cathcart wouldn't dare raise the number again.

Who's gonna stop him?

Somebody will.

Come on!

Nately! Hey, Nately, wait for me!


All right. l want to get this clear.

As l see it, we're giving these men medals for doing a lousy job, right?

That's not quite the situation.

When l want you, l'll look at you, which will be as seldom as possible.

L can explain it. You better.

Yesterday's mission was to bomb a town called Ferrara.

Ferrara?

Why Ferrara? What do you mean, "Why Ferrara?"

Do you know what Ferrara is? Lt's a town on a hill.

Do you know what's in that town? Five minutes to target.

What's in it? Nothing.

What? Nothing. No Germans, no munitions, no railroad crossing, no harbour, nothing.

Nothing at all? No, except people. ltalian people.

And a monastery.

Yossarian, maybe it's some kind of strategy thing.

What the hell are we doing? Lt's not our business to ask.

Whose business is it? Four minutes.

Are you ready to go in? Get ready to dump.

We're not there yet! Get away, Aardvark!

You'll screw up the whole mission! What's going on?

Get ready to turn! What are you doing?

Cut it out, Yossarian! Get ready to turn!

A direct hit... on the ocean?

Yes, sir. A marvellous bomb pattern.

We have aerial photographs if you'd like to see them.

We're decorating men who dropped 20 tons of very expensive bombs on the Mediterranean? Lf you consider the alternative...

The alternative is that we take the whole crew out and shoot 'em.

Might be a problem there, sir. All right, l know.

If we can't shoot the sons of bitches, we can court-martial 'em, see that they rot in some stockade.

Well, sir, we felt a court martial might get unavoidable publicity.

If it got around that we used one of our missions to bomb the ocean...

You don't have to say anything more, Colonel.

Ho! Ten-hut! Right shoulder!

Ten-hut!

"For distinguished duty in the face of overwhelming" something...

Odds. "..odds, "this Air Medal is awarded to Captain JS..."

McWatt. "..McWatt."

Come on, come on.

All right, McWatt. What are you waiting for, a kiss?

Get back in there. And on the double!

"For meritorious action

"in the face of concentrated enemy fire, Captain..."

What's this? Come on, dumbo.

Yossarian, sir. "Yossarian."

Unless l miss my guess, Captain... you're out of uniform.

What are you looking at?

Get back in the car, you smirking slut.

Why aren't you wearing clothes, Captain?

L don't want to. What do you mean? Why don't you?

I dunno, l just don't want to.

Why isn't he wearing clothes? He's talking to you.

Why is he naked, Major? Why is he naked, Sergeant?

A man was killed in his plane and bled all over him.

His clothes are in the laundry.

His other uniforms? Ln the laundry, sir.

Where is his underwear? Ln the laundry, sir.

That sounds like a lot of crap. Lt is a lot of crap, sir.

Sir, on my word this man will be punished severely.

What the hell do l care?

If he wants to receive a medal without any clothes on, what business is it of yours?

My sentiments exactly, sir. Here's your medal, Captain.

You're a very weird person, Yossarian.

Thank you, sir.

You are giving me this? Yes.

Perché? Because you're beautiful and because your name is Luciana - my mother's name.

But my name is Eleonora Rosanna, l only call myself Luciana.

Hey, my mother only called herself Luciana!

Her real name was Eleonora Rosanna.

L don't believe you. L don't blame you.

What you get this for?

Will you believe the truth? Yes.

OK. l was awarded that particular medal for killing fish.

Oh. You have killed many fish? Yes, l am one of the biggest... l am the most renowned killer of fish in the whole US Army Air Force.

OK.

I dance with you but l won't let you sleep with me.

Who asked you? You don't want to sleep with me?

L don't wanna dance with you. You crazy.

Watch where you put your hands, Gl. My name is Yossarian.

Watch where you put your hands, Yossarian.


It's, uh...

What's his name, the new gunner? 'Snowden.'

Yeah.

Snowden.

I'm cold.

OK. You're gonna be OK.

I'm cold. Cold.

There. Starting to hurt me.

OK. Hang on, l'll get you some morphine.


Milo!

You prick! Hi! What's up?

Hey, it's good to see you. When did you get out of the hospital?

We've got things to talk over.

How you feeling? Sorry l didn't visit but l've been in Naples.

About that parachute... What parachute?

The one l use if l gotta jump out of the plane.

Ah, that parachute. Remember that your parachute was just one of 60 parachutes taken over by the Syndicate.

I don't care about the Syndicate. I don't want your tomatoes!

They're the Syndicate's tomatoes. Our tomatoes.

Just as these are our statues.

In fact, that's where all the parachutes went.

You traded my parachute for statues?

No. l traded our diesel engines for the statues.

L don't have any engines! Not "your", "our".

I got the engines for two planeloads of lumber, 100 pairs of shoes and the parachutes.

The men aren't gonna be happy about what you're doing.

Don't they understand? We're gonna come out of this war rich.

You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead!

What does he want? Who?

Hungry Joe.

What is the matter? L got a feeling.

L think it is. What?

Come on. What is it?

I don't know but if it's what l think it is...

lt's just McWatt.

He's been doing it for months. He's jealous of her.

She likes you better? She likes him better.

Why doesn't she go out with him? Because she can't stand him!

Good old McWatt. Why?

He's carrying me on his manifest.

Every time he goes up, he files my name as a passenger.

I can get my flight pay without having to do anything stupid like going up in a plane.

Look! What is he saying?

He's coming back!


Who was it? Hungry Joe.

We'll have to requisition a new photographer from Group.

Is there... anything... l can do?

McWatt's still up there.

Doc Daneeka's up there, too.

I'm right here.

Come on down, McWatt.

Probably afraid to come down, he knows what kind of trouble he's in.

He cut his engine. McWatt!

Why doesn't Daneeka jump? He's got a chute.

I'm right here, Sergeant. I'm not in the plane.

Jump, Doc, jump!

Jump. Jump, Doc...

Please jump.

Jump. Jump!

Poor Hungry Joe.

Poor McWatt.

Poor Doc.

Yeah. Poor Doc.

L'll need a full report on this, Captain Yossarian.

Yossarian. I haven't seen you in some time.

Not since...

Snowden's funeral. Snowden.

Do you want to say something, sir? What?

I just wondered if you wanted to say anything.

No, l didn't actually know the young fellow.

It was his first mission. Did you know him, Danby?

No, l don't think l ever heard the name. What was it?

Snowden, l think. Oh, yes.

Well, l'll just read something.

Yes, you... you do that.

Ls something wrong? No, l just thought l saw something.

A naked man in a tree? Yes, that's it.

That's just Yossarian. Oh.

Oh. Well, in that case...

"The... Lord is my shepherd, l shall not want.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures..."

Hey!

L've been looking all over for you. You should've looked in this tree.

I don't want to butt in but why aren't you wearing your uniform?

L don't want to. Aha.

I want you to do something for me. I want to serve this to the men.

Taste it and let me know what you think.

What is it? Chocolate-covered cotton.

Are you crazy? No good?

You didn't take the seeds out!

Ls it really that bad? Lt's cotton!

They've got to learn to like it. Why?

I saw a chance to corner the market, l didn't know there'd be a glut.

L've got warehouses full all over Europe. l can't get rid of it.

People eat cotton candy. This is better, it's real cotton.

People can't eat cotton! They've got to, for the Syndicate.

It will make them sick. Try it yourself if you don't believe me.

I did and it made me sick.

Look at that. Looks like a funeral.

It's that kid that got killed in my plane.

Oh? What happened to him? He got killed.

What? L said he got killed.

I'm sorry.

He was your friend? Maybe, l don't know.

He was very old. But he was a boy.

Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.

Where do you work? L'm not a whore.

I didn't say you were.

L work in big American company. Me, too!

You want to see me again? Mm.

Why? Why not?

You think l'm beautiful?

L think you're perfect. That's not true.

Lt is true. No.

See this?

Jesus, how did you...? Air raid.

Germans? Americani.

You do not want me now?

What are you talking about? I want you everything.

L want you to marry me. You crazy.

Why? You can't want to marry me.

Why not? L'm not a virgin.

So? Nobody wants a girl who isn't.

L do. l wanna marry you. Not possible.

Why not? Because you crazy.

Why am l crazy? Because you want to marry me.

You won't marry me because l'm crazy, l'm crazy because l wanna marry you?

You're crazy. Why?

Because l love you. Ti amo. Ti amo molto.

How can you love a girl who is not a virgin?

Because l can't marry you.

Why you can't marry me? Because l'm not a virgin?

No, because you're crazy!

You crazy! You're crazy!

You all crazy! Why are we crazy?

Because you don't know how to stay alive and that's the secret of life.

But we have a war to win.

Ah. But America will lose the war. Italy will win it.

America's the strongest nation on earth.

The American fighter is the best trained, best equipped, best fed...

Exactly. ltaly, however, is one of the weakest nations on earth and the ltalian fighting man is hardly equipped at all.

That's why my country is doing so well while yours is doing so poorly.

That's silly! Italy was occupied by the Germans and is now being occupied by us.

You call that doing well? Of course l do.

The Germans are being driven out and we are still here.

In a few years, you'll be gone and we'll still be here.

You see, ltaly is a very poor, weak country, yet that is what makes us so strong, strong enough to survive this war and still be in existence long after your country has been destroyed.

What are you saying? America won't be destroyed.

Never? Well...

Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed.

Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed.

All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours?

How much longer do you think your country will last?

Forever?

Well, forever is a long time, l guess.

Very long.

Ciao.

Please, we're talking. We go to bed now?

No. Would you go put some clothes on? You're practically naked.

Mmm!

I wish she wouldn't walk around like that.

But it is her business to walk around like that.

But it's not nice. Of course it's nice.

Mmm, she's nice to look at.

This life is not nice. I don't want her to do this.

When we go to America? When we go to America?

You will take her to America? Away from a healthy, active life?

Away from good business opportunities? Away from her friends?

Don't you have any principles? Of course not.

No morality? L'm a very moral man.

And ltaly is a very moral country.

That's why we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated.

You talk like a madman.

But l live like a sane one.

I was a Fascist when Mussolini was on top.

Now that he has been deposed, l am anti-Fascist.

When the Germans were here, l was fanatically pro-German.

Now l'm fanatically pro-America!

You'll find no more loyal partisan in all of ltaly than myself.

You're a shameful opportunist!

It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

You have it backwards.

It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees.

L know. How do you know?

Because l am 107 years old.

How old are you?

L'll be 20 in January.

If you live.

Ciao, Yossarian. Hiya, how are ya?

We gotta go back. All the leaves have been cancelled.

Ciao, Yossarian. Hello, my dear.

You give me a dollar? l pay you back when we get to America.

OK. Just one. Just one. One! Gimme that. Here.

Come on, Dobbs. Milo's gonna fly us back.

Why are the leaves cancelled? L don't know.

Milo says the base is on some kind of alert.

Oh, yeah. Cathcart raised the number of missions to 80.

80! Yeah.

He's mad because Captain Orr lost another airplane.

Where?

Ditched coming back from Bologna, went down in the Mediterranean.

Air-Sea Rescue out there?

Yeah.

They picked up everybody but Orr.

Will you fellas stay away from the airstrip tonight?

What for? Just do as l say.

Stay in your tents. Why?

There it is. What?

Orr's plane!

Oh, he'll find his way back. He always does.

He'll turn up, he'll sneak in with that rat-toothed giggle.

Aarfy, if anything happens to me, will you take care of my girl?

Listen to him, "his" girl!

Yossarian? Don't worry.

Nothing's gonna happen to you that won't happen to the rest of us.

'Orr?

'Orr?'

Orr?

Orr.

L'll be through in a minute. No, you won't. You always say that, then l watch you fit some tiny thing into that masterpiece of junk.

Then l guess you haven't seen it. You guess l haven't seen what?

A little square gasket, about this big.

Have you seen it? No.

L'll have to start all over again. Please don't do that.

Why? Lt gives me a terrible pain.

Why? Why what?

Why won't you fly with me?

What's that got to do with the pain that you and your bolts give me?

It's got everything to do with it.

Are you trying to tell me something?

Just that if you were smart, you'd fly with me.

You've cracked up three planes. Four.

I'm a good pilot.

L don't want to end up in the sea. You'd thank me.

For getting me drowned? For finishing this stove.

Winter's coming. You'll have heat, hot water...

You'll be able to boil eggs and everything.

Me? Where are you gonna be? L dunno. Here and there.

No one wants to fly with you. You're a one-man disaster area.

They're crazy. L agree with them.

You're crazy.


Orr?


Orr?


Orr?

He's dead. Who's "he"?

He's just a kid from my home town.

He just died. They came from the States to see him.

Get in the bed, will you? What?

His mother, father and brother flew out here. They know he's dying.

So what do you want me to do? Be him.

Just for a few minutes, then they'll go away.

They came 5,000 miles to see you before you die.

L'm not dying. Of course you are, we all are.

Doc, they'll know! They came to see their son.

They'll have to take what they can get.

One dying boy is as good as another. Or as bad!

Lt won't work. Look, they've come a long way.

I don't wanna disappoint them. I'm sentimental about old people.

What if they start crying? They probably will start crying.

L'll wait outside and if it gets sticky, l'll come in and break it up.

I don't think it's gonna work.

Look, do this for me and l'll do something for you.

Will you ground me? You know l can't.

You can write a slip saying l'm on the verge of a nervous collapse.

Sure l can.

But there's a catch.

Catch-22. Group won't approve my action.

They'll put you back on combat status and send me to rot in the Pacific Ocean.

God, here they are.

Start dying.

Do this for me and l'll send you to Rome on a five-day R and R.

He looks terrible.

He's sick, Pa. Harvey?

My name is Yossarian.

His name is Yossarian, Ma.

Yossarian, don't you recognise me?

I'm your brother John. Don't you know who l am?

Sure l do. You're my brother John. Pa, he knows me.

Yossarian, look, here's Papa. Say hello to Papa.

Hello, Papa. Hello, Harvey.

His name is Yossarian, Pa. He looks so bad.

He's very sick, Pa. The doctor says he's gonna die.

Harvey? Ma, his name is Yossarian.

She doesn't remember things too good any more.

It's OK. She can call me Harvey if she wants to.

Harvey.

Psst.

Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right.

I know.

We came all the way from New York.

We were afraid we wouldn't get here in time.

Ln time for what? Ln time to see you before you died.

What difference would it make?

We didn't want you to die by yourself.

What difference would it make?

He's getting delirious, he keeps repeating the same thing.

Harvey. Lt's not Harvey, it's Yossarian.

What difference does it make? He's dying.


Listen, kid. lt's-it's not bad.

I'm gonna put a tourniquet on it.


There. lt's good. It's a good bandage.

I'm cold.

Cold. God.

It's gonna be OK, kid. We'll be home soon.

Does the leg still hurt? No.

'Hey, Yossarian?'

You in there? Orr?

Ls that Orr, you son of a bitch? Lt's me, Nately.

Nately. What's happening? Jesus, it's 3:30 in the morning.

It's Dobbs, we've gotta stop him. He's gonna kill the Colonel.

Cathcart? Yes.

Dobbs is gonna kill Colonel Cathcart?


What's the matter with you?

Nothing. lt's the first sane thing l've ever done.

They'll get you for murder! Cathcart's the murderer!

Come on, gimme the gun! Take it easy.

You just got a few more missions. You're crazy!

He'll raise the number again and you know it!

He'll keep us flying missions till we're all dead.

What the hell do you care?

You don't wanna go home, you're in love with that whore.

You happen to be talking about my fiancée.

The fiancée of any guy with ten bucks, who's happy to risk a dose of disease for 15 minutes of phoney moans on a dirty mattress!

Nately!

Nately? Nately!

Yossarian... l think l hurt him.

Aw, he'll be all right.

Here he comes!

Gimme the gun! No, listen!

If he raises the number again, l swear l'll help you kill him!

Really? L swear it.

That's very reasonable of you.

Something's going on. What?

Milo and the Colonel are up to something.

They've been planning.

What's he doing? Something. l dunno.

Why didn't they turn their lights on? What the fuck?

Yossarian, listen!

What is this? Look!

Jesus Christ!

Run, run, run!

OK, Number 1 and 2, that was good.

'Thank you. What now?'

Bank left and wait for instructions. All right, Number 3.

Be careful not to hit our storehouses at the end of the field.

Direct hit on the mess hall, if you please. And Number 3...

Hold on, Number 3.

Yossarian, get off the field. What?

'Take cover. You, too, Dobbs. Number 3, let 'em go.'

Bastards! Get out of here!

'Cut that out. Those are our men you're shooting at.

'This is an M&M Enterprises operation.

'Number 4 and 5, Number 3 did not get those supply sheds.

'l told you men to come in low. Right on target this time.

'Shoddy work will not do.'

Dobbs!

What are you doing, Yossarian? Get off the field!

You're confined to the base. I won't forget this.

The Air Force won't forget this. Don't be ridiculous!

What's good for M&M is good for the Air Force.

There goes the bomb dump! We had to get rid of that cotton.

The Germans promised to take it off us if we ran this mission for them.

Lt's all part of the deal. There goes the Officers Club!

You made a deal to bomb our own base?

A contract is a contract. That's what we're fighting for.

'Lieutenant Minderbinder speaking. Clear the field!

'We will soon begin to strafe.' Strafe?

Lt's all part of the contract. There goes Headquarters!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

What's that?

He said, "Nately". Nately is dead.

L know. Who's dead?

You will be if we don't get at that knife wound.

What's happening? We're going to operate.

We're gonna take a look inside you.

We're gonna clean you out and stitch you up.

Hey! Yossarian! Hmm?

We've got your pal. Hmm?

You heard me. We've got your pal.

Who... who's my pal? Who?

What's he saying? Something about his pal.

Who's his pal? L don't know, maybe it's Nately.

Nately's dead.

I wouldn't go in there. Looks like something's happened.

Well, l gotta go find Nately's whore. I gotta tell her he's dead.

Wanna come with me?

Not now. l promised her some stockings and cigarettes.

For her family. l know them. First-class people.

OK. l'll see you later. Sure.

Andiamo. Yes, we're going. Up to my room.

You better get off the streets soon.

It's almost curfew, you don't even have a pass.


What happened? Gone. All gone.

Who? All the poor young girls.

All gone. Taken away.

Who took 'em away? The white-hats.

The white-hats... The MPs? Yes, the MPs.

Where did they take 'em?

Who knows? All gone.

Where's the old man? Gone.

Gone where? Dead.

What?

He was alive one minute, then he was dead.

He can't be. Why not?

Where did they take the girls? Did they arrest them?

I don't know. They just came in and took them.

They must have had a reason. They couldn't just drag them away.

No reason.

What right did they have? Catch-22.

What? What did you say?

Catch-22.

How do you know it was Catch-22?

The girls said, "Why are you taking us away?"

The men said, "Catch-22."

The girls said, "What right do you have?"

The men said, "Catch-22."

All they kept saying was, "Catch-22, Catch-22."

What does it mean?

Didn't they show you? Didn't you ask them to read it?

They don't have to show it to us. Who says so?

The law says so. What law?

Catch-22.


Milo! Milo!

Milo, l'm gonna kill you, you murdering son of a bitch!

Easy, don't hurt him.

I know how you feel but it wasn't my fault.

Whose fault was it? No one's.

Nately was the victim of economic pressures, the laws of supply and demand. You unbelievable bastard!

Do you want me to take you to her? Who?

Nately's whore, isn't that who you're looking for?

Do you know where she is? Of course l do.

You're AWOL, Yossarian. I thought you knew better than that.

Nately would never be that dumb. He's dead.

Too bad. He was nice. Your boys made a nice direct hit.

But he died rich - 60 shares in the Syndicate.

So? He's dead. His family'll get it.

He didn't have one. His parents'll get it.

They don't need it, they're rich. Then they'll understand.

Ask for number 33.


Hello, Yossarian.

L didn't know. That l work for Milo?

Everybody works for Milo.

Yeah. Well, he told me to ask for number 33.

Mm-hm. 33?

$10, please.

No towel, Yossarian?

Hello, Yossarian. Hi, kid.

Where's your sister? Ln there.

You give me a dollar? Yeah.

We go to America soon? Sure, kid.

Ciao, Yossarian. Hi.

You make love now? No, no. Listen.

Uh, l have to tell you something. Nately?

Yeah.

He's coming?

Uh, no, not exactly.

We go to America soon? Yeah. Listen...

When we go? Listen...

Nately's dead.

Bruto. Bruto!

T'ammazzo! T'ammazzo! Lt wasn't me!

It's not my fault!

T'ammazzo! He was my friend, you dumb bitch!

T'ammazzo! T'ammazzo! T'ammazzo!

Assassino! Assassino!


L only raped her once. You killed her!

I had to after that. She couldn't go round saying bad things about me.

You dumb bastard! Why not get some girl off the streets?

Oh, no, not me. I never paid for it in my life.

Come on, get back! Back up, folks.

Aarfy, are you insane? They're gonna throw you in jail.

You just killed a girl. She's lying in the street!

She has no right to be there, you know. lt's after curfew.

Don't you realise what you've done?

You've murdered a human being! They can hang you!

I don't think they'll do that, not to good old Aarfy.

They won't care about one ltalian girl when thousands die every day.

Aarfy, listen. They're coming to arrest you.

You can't take the life of another human and get away with it!

They're coming to get you!

Captain Yossarian? Yes?

You're under arrest. But l didn't...

You're AWOL.

'We're sending you home.' 'What?' l said we're sending you home.

You've made things terribly difficult for Colonel Cathcart.

The men are unhappy, morale is beginning to deteriorate.

Lt's all your fault. Lt's his, for raising the number.

You refuse to fly. Have you no patriotism?

Wouldn't you give your life for your country? For Colonel Korn and me?

What have you and Colonel Korn got to do with my country?

You're a disgrace to your country! How did you get to be a captain?

You promoted me. That has got nothing to do with it!

Let me. Let me.

Captain, l'd like to appeal to your better judgment one more time.

There's a mission about to start. You can get on that plane and we'll just pretend that all of this never happened.

Yossarian, won't it make you feel proud to know you served in an outfit that averaged more combat missions per person than any other?

Don't you want more unit citations and more oak-leaf clusters on your Air Medal?

Don't you want to contribute further to this fleet record by flying more missions?

No.

In that case, we'll just have to send you home.

Of course, there's one catch.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, we will issue orders sending you back to the States and there's one thing you have to do for us in return.

What would that be?

Like us.

Like you?

Like us.

You'll be surprised how easy it is to like us once you begin.

You see, we're going to put you on Easy Street.

Make you a major. Give you another medal.

Send you home a hero. You'll have parades in your honour.

You can make speeches, raise money for war bonds.

And all you have to do is be our pal.

Say nice things about us.

Tell the folks at home what a good job we're doing.

Take our offer, Yossarian.

It's either that or a court martial for desertion.

What about the others? L'd be playing a dirty trick on them.

They'll be happy you're gone. They have a war to win.

Well, what the hell.

If they don't want more missions, let them say so.

Precisely. Exactly.

It's a deal.


Assassino!

Help! Help!


'Help him!'

What? 'Help him! Help him!'

Help who? 'Help the bombardier!' l'm the bombardier, l'm all right. 'Then help him! Help HlM!'

l'm cold.

Cold. God.

It's gonna be OK, kid. We'll be home soon.

Does the leg still hurt? No.


There, there.

There, there.

There, there.


May we come in? Sure.

L see you're all alone. Yep.

Well, you're going home.

L don't know if l am. L've got your orders right here.

That parade they're rehearsing is for you. You're a hero.

And you're gonna get a medal for stopping that Nazi killing Cathcart.

That wasn't a Nazi. That was Nately's whore.

She tried to kill me because l told her about Nately.

But-but the Colonel said that... lt's a deal l made with them.

They send me home a hero and l say wonderful things about them back in the States.

Oh.

That's a lousy deal, isn't it?

Lsn't it? Well...

lsn't it?

I don't know, l'm not here to judge you.

What are you here for?

I'm not too sure about that either.

What would you do if you were me?

I don't know. l mean, l'm not you.

Imagine that you are me.

That's hard. Sometimes l even have trouble imagining that l'm me, if you know what l mean.

Well, l'm gonna call the deal off.

Let them send me home because l've flown over 50 missions.

They'd have to send home every man. That's their problem.

No, it's yours because they'll court-martial you.

Make the best of a bad situation. No.

No what?

L've been lying in this bed for three weeks thinking about it and all l know is l don't want to go to prison and l can't play Cathcart's game.

Well, what else can you do?

I can run away.

You'd desert? Why not?

How would you get off the base? That's insane.

That's why it's so sensible.

They'll call you a coward. It's your country.

Christ, l've flown 55 missions and fought three years, now l'll fight for myself.

Suppose everyone felt that way? L'd be a fool to feel different.

What would your friends say?

I haven't got any. Nately was blown to bits, McWatt killed himself, Hungry Joe was chopped in two, Dobbs disappeared, Aardvark's a murderer, Doc Daneeka's a zombie...

They're all gone.

The only friend l had was Snowden and l didn't even know him.

What about Orr?

Orr's at the bottom of the sea.

No, he isn't. Don't you know?

Know what? Orr's in Sweden.

What?

After 16 weeks at sea, Orr was found by a trio of Swedish Girl Scouts.

Lt's a miracle. He rowed all the way.

He rowed? Ln that tiny little raft!

Think of that, all the way to Sweden!

He'll sit out the rest of the war. Lt's a miracle!

It's no miracle. He has to have planned it.

He went to Sweden deliberately? Lt's 4,000 miles away!

He always said that crash-landing was good practice.

Getting shot down in the sea. On every mission that he flew!

No, no, no. That is a miracle.

Practicing getting shot down in the sea!

He made it?

He made it?

He made it! That son of a bitch made it!

Are you crazy? ls he crazy? Lf he made it, so can l!

We gotta stop him. L can do it, Danby!

They'll catch you! L can do it!

This is insane! L can do it!

But your clothes! They'll never recognise me.

You'll be on the run, in constant danger of betrayal!

I live that way now.

For God's sake, hurry up! So long, Chaplain.

How do you feel, Yossarian? Fine, except l'm scared to death.

You'll have to keep on your toes! L will.

You'll have to jump. L'll jump.

Jump!

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