Catch and Release (2006) Script

You want to know what I keep thinking about?

That argument we had right before you left.


There you are, heading off for your big bachelor party fishing trip and I start in on you like some hysterical fishwife, insisting that you finish the seating chart before you go.

What was I thinking?

What I should have said as you were leaving is, "I love you."

Or, at least... I don't know. "Have fun. Be nice to the strippers."

Instead, the last words you heard me say were, "Listen, pal, "no more nookie until you figure out where to put your mother's bridge club."

Our hearts go out to you.

How you doing, Mrs. D? You need anything?

A Scotch, but thin it out. Don't let me get all Irish.

You boys were just lovely today. Oh, sorry.

My God.

He had good friends.

He was a friend of yours? The guy who died?

Yeah. We grew up together.

So, you live here in Boulder?

No. I moved away after high school.

Where to? Los Angeles.

Oh, yeah? What do you do there? I make commercials.

Is that a tattoo?


How could you leave me alone with all these people?

You know I hate crowds.

And high heels.

I'm wearing heels. I don't know what I'm doing.

I would if you were here.

You'd know how to make all these people stop talking about you in the past tense, how to get your pervy uncle off me.

How could you leave me alone with your pervy uncle?

You know I can't handle him.

I can't handle anything without you.

She say anything to you about the honeymoon?

Like what? Like, is she still going to go?

Alone in Kauai? You think that's what she needs right now.

No, dude, not alone. You know, with a friend.

Because I think it'd be good for her to get away.

That kind of thing could be really helpful.

Not me, Dennis. A friend. Anybody. Yeah. Somebody else.


Sock it to me.

Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Butt cramp.

Okay, go.

Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Sock it to me!

Yeah! That's good!

That's really good!

Thanks. You're welcome.

Employees must wash their hands before returning to work.

Call me, Mr. Yummy.

Okay. All right.


Oh, shit.


You realise, since you weren't married, Mrs. Douglas is the legal heir.

We're just putting the estate in order.



Now, did you and Mr. Douglas share title on anything?

Car, house? No, I'm in a rental.

Which I can't afford by myself. Wow.

We just found it. He hadn't even moved in.

Where's the paperwork for this big account?

What big account?

There's $48,000 on his tax return. I'm not seeing any statements for it.

His savings had about that much, right?

No, the $48,000 is interest, Gray.

So, for an account to generate that, the balance would have to be roughly a million dollars.

A million dollars?

Yeah, in some big investment account.

I bet you he inherited it when his old man died.

You don't think it's a little weird that he didn't tell us that he was rich?

Not really. I mean, what business is it of ours?

I was his partner.

Point is, Dennis, it wasn't business money.

You know? It was his money, so...

He should've at least told you.

If it were me, if we were engaged and I had a million bucks, there's no way...

Whoa. First off, this chick is only nice to you because I'm your friend. Okay?

Second off, you don't have two nickels to rub together, sir. I've seen your ATM card.

I'm just saying. And I'm just saying there are hundreds, thousands of really good reasons my homeboy wouldn't have wanted to tell everyone his dad left him a million bucks.

Like what?

Well, like, maybe he was afraid that he'd become some kind of lazy dilettante if he had all that money at his access, so he just put it away, just ignore it.

But, hello! Come on! Like he wasn't going to tell you?

I mean, I bet you he was just waiting to, like, rock you with a big surprise.

Because that was Grady's style. He never did something small.

It was just, plow! And, suddenly, he would want to find a way to just spring it on you.

You know? Like...

On your wedding night.

You think so? Oh, God, yes!

Picture this.

You guys are on the honeymoon. Okay?

You just had hours upon hours of sex, without me or Dennis in the house for a change.

And you're falling asleep in one another's arms, cosying up to you.

And he's like, "Um, Geege, "remember the part of the vows where we said, 'For richer or for poorer'

"We're the former!"

God, he would have loved doing that.

He would have.

Whoa. Running low, I see. Gray, I'm going to take your last beer.

"Loss and possession, death and life are one.

"There falls no shadow where there shines no sun."

Hilaire Belloc.

Who's that?

I don't know, but it's an excellent quote I put on the Red Zinger box.

Thought it was appropriate. Shall we?

Oh, that's it, dude. I am so getting married.

This chick made out like it was her bar mitzvah.

Oh, God. Put it back, Sammy. Why, dude? She's got, like, six of them.

Yeah. She's got, like, six of them. Thank you.

Why you got to be like that? I'm just trying to feather our nest.

You're just trying to feather your stomach.

You know what? That was hateful. You're such a blatant sizeist sometimes.

The thing's got, like, 82 settings, sir.

You and me could have a total waffle party, because we...

What are you doing? She'll be more comfortable in bed.

Are you serious? Did you not see the pills kick in?

The only way she'd be more comfortable is if you shot her with a tranq gun.

All I know is, she's not going to wake up in the morning with a neck crick.

What are you talking about, a neck crick? What are you, an osteopath?

Oh, my God, you're actually picking her up!

Dennis, you're scaring me, man.

Put the woman down. Get out of my way.

No. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she don't want to sleep in there without Grady?

Did it occur to you that I'm holding her right now?

Seriously, Sir Galahad, put her back. Lf you're not going to help...

I'm much stronger than you and even I don't want to pick her up.

No, she's heavy. Put her on the couch!

She's out.

This was totally your fault. This is not my fault, this is your fault. Clean this up.

You're not... I'm not... Come on. Come on, dude.

Want a beer? Shut up.



This is Grady's room. You have no right... What are you doing here?


What time is it?

I didn't feel like going home right away, so...

The guys said it'd be okay if I crashed here for a while.

Don't touch that. Just don't touch anything.

You think you can handle that, Mr. Yummy?

I didn't know you were there.

Why are you still here?

I thought you were supposed to be in Los Angeles, directing a movie or something.

No, that didn't work out.

Which, you know, thank God.

Movies, they're worse than commercials.

Just sell, sell, sell. But let's kid ourselves and call it art.

At least in ads it's sell, sell, sell, but we all know we're going to hell.

So here's a fat ass cheque to smooth out the ride.

I never understood why he was friends with you.

You don't even seem like you miss him.

Hi, I'm the administrator of the estate of a client of yours who passed away.

I need copies of his statement accounts for the last three... Yes, I'll hold.

Gray. Gray. Yeah?

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

Thank you.

You know, a similar thing happened to a friend of my cousin's.

Young guy, skiing.

Some kid on a snowboard comes up, totally out of control...


Snowboard severed his jugular.

Blood all over the slope.

And then, you know, people started to ski over it, so it spread down the hill.


So, a peace garden for Grady.

Yeah, you know. At the fly shop. In that space behind the truck?

So it's kind of, then, more like a peace parking spot than anything else.

Shut up, dude.

He'd be all over it.

I don't think so, cookie. Well, I do.

And I knew him better than you did, so...


Are you serious?

Oh, my God, Dennis, like, I may not have been the dude's business partner, okay, but, like, me and Grady were tight, sir. Okay, okay.

Very tight.

In fact, I just happen to know he told me stuff that he would never tell you.

Stuff I bet you never thought would leave the walls of your super-secret fly-fishing shop.

Like what?

What stuff? Just stuff stuff, Dennis!

Just work stuff. Stuff about work.

All right. You're drinking too much. Give me that.

Are you...

That's your big move.

"You're drinking too much. Going to take your pole."

You know what? I guess the best offence... Is a good defence.

Did you even go into work today, assface, or did you just hang around and get loaded?

Not that it's any of your business, but I took a mental health day, if you must know.

I'm depressed, all right? My best friend just died.

Oh, I'm sorry, he wasn't my best friend. He was your best friend.

Hey. Are these things hard to use?


Jackass! Sorry.

I think the hill was a good idea.

I think the hill was an excellent idea.

Come on, Dennis!


If you don't hurry up, I'm going to burn this stuff on principle alone.

I'm not listening to you until you're fully dressed.

Gray lady down, just in time for the barbecue.

You're not going to believe this.

He transferred $3,000 out. Yup.

Every month? Yup.

And you don't know whose account it went to?

Nope. Do you?

Me? No idea.

Sammy, do you know? First I heard of it.

You know, not for nothing, but we could totally use a blender.

Supper, supper, supper, supper.

Supper, supper, supper, supper.

Supper, and nothing for Fritzie-time! God.

Check it out. Oh, Sammy.

You didn't need to do this. You're right. I didn't, but, "What comes from the heart goes to the heart."

Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Tummy Mint?

No, that would be the Celestial Seasonings' Echinacea Complete Care.

Excellent guess.

Let me ask you a question. It ain't going to freak you out, staying in here?

In what way?

You know, in the way that he's not... You know...

I'm pretty clear on that fact, Sam.

Get your feed on.

Enjoy. Thank you.


Oh, God.

Either answer it or turn it off.

That's not mine.

Whose is it?

Maybe it is. Let me see.

Ten missed calls.

I can figure that out. Ten's a lot.

Here. Let me...

Messages. Select. Listen to messages.

If you don't know whose it is, you probably shouldn't listen to those.

I know whose it is.


Hey, Grady. It's me.

So, it's the fourth and I kind of have my landlord breathing down my back here.

So, not to be Miss Tragedy about it, but I could be in some real trouble if I don't get this money.

Okay, this isn't funny, Grady!

I didn't even want your help.

You were the one who wanted to be Mr. Take Care Of Everything Man.

Well, F you, sugar daddy. F you!

You know what I need, so go ahead, give it to me.

You're funny.

Okay, wait a minute.

I'm going to ask you a question.

What do you think when you hear someone say, "Go ahead, give it to me"?

I've got this.


I'm taking you home. No, you're not.

I am a grown-ass woman. I don't need you to Hollywood me home.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to figure out what's more tragic, if this is your laundry or hers.

I had nothing to do with it.

So, what are we painting today?

Where's the 323 area code for?

He's on my bed.

You know her, don't you? 323, that's L.A. You know her.


How long has she been in his life? Just tell me that.

She's not. Forget it. You suck.

She's not in his life. She's just...

The mother of his kid.

Do you need anything?

What I need is a little more information about how my fiancé could have a child that I know nothing about.

Okay. It was...

It was a one-time thing.

He was in town.

We went to a Halloween party. He hooked up with this woman.

When? How long ago?

Before you.

How old is the kid? I don't know. Seven? Eight?

Is it a boy or a girl? Boy.


Want to sit down? No.

What is she like?

I don't know.

Is she pretty? I don't know.

Answer me. She's attractive, in a messed-up, makeup-y kind of way.

She doesn't swear. What is that?

What kind of...

What kind of grown woman goes around saying "F you"?

The kind with a kid.


This is why you're still here, isn't it?

To clean up after him.

You have blue paint in your hair.

It's not blue. It's Marrakech Mystery.

Why is she calling? She wants her money.

What do you mean?

He sent her money.

She hasn't gotten any lately, what with him being dead and all.

She's effing p.o.'ed.

I'll take care of it. I'll send her some money myself.

I think she counts on it.

For rent and stuff.

I counted on him, too. Look where it got me.

Incidentally, I do.

Miss him.

Yeah. Los Angeles?

Okay, I need the number and the street address for Maureen Monette.

Thank you.

Hey. You probably don't remember me. My name's Fritz.

I'm a friend of Grady Douglas'

I have some news.

Paul Hexter, please. Fritz Messing calling.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Hey! Yeah, sorry I didn't call you back.

I need you to send $20,000 to a massage therapist in Encino.



It's so good to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

Thanks for calling.

Before we eat, I brought you a little something.

Go on, open it.

Gosh, Ellen.

It was my great aunt's and the setting is very rare.

And I want you to have it.

It's so special. It's so beautiful.

I just wanted you to have something to remember us by.

And that ring, well...

The stone has been in our family for six generations.

And I know, now that you won't be in the family...

I know you wouldn't be comfortable keeping it.

Are you asking for my engagement ring back?

Grady gave me this ring.

It was a symbol of our decision to spend the rest of our lives together.

Yes, but you didn't spend the rest of your life with him.

He spent the rest of his with me.

I don't know what to say.

I'm going to go.

What is it with this town?

Everyone's so happy all the time.

And people aren't happy in Los Angeles?

Not like this. This is like a Patagonia Disneyland.

Maybe they're all medicated.

You hear about that, you know, towns where everybody's on Prozac?

Sounds pretty good. When can I move?

Bad day?

Not great. What happened?

I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Seriously? Oh, sort of. Kind of.

Hey, I...

I have something for you.

It was Grady's.

I thought you might want it.

Lf you don't, you don't have to... No. No. Thank you.


I have to get back to work.

Tragic widow. Right?

If you can't blow off work now, when can you?

I used to take pictures all the time.

Why'd you stop?

I started getting paid for it. Took all the fun out.

I owe you an apology.

Just one?

I mean the funeral. Sorry I ruined it for you.

Yeah, if it hadn't been for you, that would've been one great day.

I just...

Didn't want to be there, you know? I wanted to be anywhere but there.

You know? I know.

I mean, hey, if the other caterer hadn't been gay, who knows?

I might've been doing the same thing myself.

Probably not. Yeah, probably not.

So, what are we doing tomorrow? A little hiking? Mountain biking?

I can't skip work two days in a row.

Of course you can. You can do whatever you want.

I don't know.

I do. Trust me. Hooky looks good on you.

Hey, check it out! Grady just won $10 million.

That worked out well.

What the hell are you doing?

Little party, sir.


Sammy, did you take some of these? How many of these did you take?

Hey. You dumbass. All right.

Come on, Sammy, get up. Come on. We're getting up and we're walking.

Come on, buddy. Get up. Get up. All right, all right.


Those were my pills, Sam.

If anyone's going to use them to check out, it's going to be me.


I knew it was a bad idea.

Which? I mean, the vodka, the pills or the combo?

The trip.

And I almost told him.

You know, like, so many times, I was this close to saying, "Come on, dude. That pass, like, in a flat-bottom boat?

"Not even you, you know? That's just crazy dangerous.

"Don't do it, sir."

And who knows, you know?

Maybe just this one time he might be, like...

"You're right, Sambo.

"Let's just shitcan the great outdoors this weekend, "stay home, rock some PlayStation instead."

It's not your fault.

I just miss him so much.

He was just the man, you know?


Scoot over.

Oh, man, I don't want to alarm you, but you just totally pulled my I.V. Out.

Oh, my God, you painted!

The walls were disgusting.

It doesn't even really look like his room anymore.

It looks like a Tampax box!

The doctor said he'd be sluggish.

Yeah, how about selfish? Did the doctor say he'd be selfish?

Let's take it a little easy on the guy, what with him trying to kill himself and everything.

A few sleeping pills is not a suicide attempt.

It's just his way to get out of helping with the peace garden.

If he'd really wanted to end it all, he'd have gone out and gotten himself a gun.

They're not hard to come by. This is America.

You guys go on ahead and get started and I'll bring Sam in a few.

No, you have to be there. They're expecting you.

I said I'll come.

So, this peace garden, bringing a lot of peace into your life so far?

That's good. That's funny.

Sam, you almost ready?

Oh, excuse me.

Hi. Can you tell me...

I'm looking for someone who knows something about Grady Douglas.

They're not here.


Well, who are you?

I'm the cleaning woman.

Okay, well, can you tell whoever's dealing with things that I really need to talk to them?

Here, let me give you my card.

Does that game just end or is it just going on forever?

You know when you just put everything in the thing and you just can't find the one...

Here's me. I'm Maureen.


And we're staying at the Silver Saddle Motel, okay?


Come on, honey!

He's not eight, is he?

What? Your son.

He's not a very small eight-year-old, is he?

No. He'll be four in October. Why?


God, the kid's practically in diapers!

Come here.

Yes, party people, let's get this bitch in the ground!

Right? To the roots! Let's plant a tree, man.

With the D-Man, where you going? Where you going, Dennis?


Oh, my God, how'd it get to be night out?

Oh, Lord. I missed it, didn't I?

Well, that's unfortunate.


I think he blew off, hon. He's on that biking trip again.

Let me get a message from you.



Hey, man, how's it going down there? Is it hot?


She's a Greek deity. She's the goddess of the underworld?

You know what? Forget it. Too complicated.

I'm just going to tell him that you called.

And he will be so pleased.

All right. Bye-bye.

I mean, it's not like I called her Antigone or something. Jesus.

Oh, yes!

The glorious morning in the corn!

So, yeah, it wasn't before you, it was more during you.

But it was only just that once, right?

Say "yes," please.

Hey, I could.

Believe me, I can bullshit until the cows come home, but...

How many times?

I wasn't really keeping count.

When did it start?

When he started coming out to L.A. For work.

He wouldn't see her every time he went out there, though...

Would he?

Wow, wow.

Oh, this is bad. This is...

It's really bad.

Was it still going on?


Not as far as I know, anyway.

She's really sexy, isn't she?


No, she is.


About that other thing.

That's impossible.

The mother is a massage therapist in Los Angeles.

Well, she's lying. Grady wasn't that stupid.

Well, he was sending her money.

He probably felt sorry for her. He was very generous.

I saw the kid. He looks just like him.

You could show me 10 toddlers and I would find similarities between each of them and Grady.

I'm sure I could.

I talked to Eve.

In Colorado, in the absence of a will, a child is the sole heir.

Therefore, this boy will get everything.

How the hell did you let this happen?


Wait, how am I at fault here?

No satisfied man goes screwing cocktail waitresses.

I'm calling Eve.

That kid isn't getting one cent of my son's money without coughing up some damn good DNA.

Okay, all right. Come on, man! That's not yours.

This ain't funny anymore, kid! $500 piece of equipment!

All right, put the... Kid, look at me.

I am not in shape enough to chase you around this house.

Hey, kid, this is not your shit, man! What is the problem?

The problem is your kid is like an earthquake in short pants.

He's all over the joint. That's his playfulness.

You have to be at ease. If you're at ease, then he'll be at ease.

What? Hi.

You didn't give anybody my message.

What is she doing here?

Hey, Gray. This is...

I know who she is. I didn't ask who she is. I asked what she's doing here.

Boiling water. Wait, you know who this is?

There's no hot water at the Silver Saddle?

Not boiling, and I need boiling water for my herbal tea.

Because I have to realign my chi.

Stop it! Stop it!

The water's ready.

What are you looking at? We're just talking.

What's going on here?

Am I missing something?

You're not the cleaning lady? Cleaning lady?

What'd you come for?

I just told you, I'm making tea.

Because the money's his.

One quick DNA swab and he gets it all.

What are you talking about? What money?

What the H-E-double L is she talking about?

I'm going out. When I come back, it would be great if she weren't here.

That was awkward.

Here, take this.

I'm not a charity case.

No, keep it. Call it a loan. I know you're good for it.

I didn't even know he was rich, okay?

All I knew is that he wanted to support his kid and that's why I came.

To just make sure that that was going to happen, not to, you know, run off with all his money or upset his girlfriend.

It's "fiancée."

I didn't even know about her.

I mean, I figured, you know, that there was someone.

But he never said he was engaged.

You know, it makes sense, though, her being like that.

Like what?

Kind of perfect.

Because when I saw him, he was always like this kid on vacation, you know.

Kind of goofy, like he was just excited not to have to be on his best behaviour.

I got it.

Thank you. Okay.

I'll talk to you.


I just want you to know, I am back. Like, in a big way.

Just 100% committed. 200%, really, committed to this company and from now on, every second of every day I'm just going to be thinking and just dreaming and just flat-out being herbal tea.

Oh, 100%, 200%...

In Boulder. Number of a Silver Saddle Motel.

Oh, my God, this is my favourite. "Be bold, be bold, everywhere be bold."

Oh, my God, are you kidding me? I wrote that, man!

What's mung beans? Well, you know, I didn't really write it.

Spenser wrote it. But I filled out the paperwork that put it on the box.


Gray, what are... You're home early.

Yeah, okay, well...

So, you know the other night? I noticed that this refrigerator...

Do you know everything in here is a chi blocker?

And that's exactly what I'm studying is Chinese medicine.

And, you know, the first thing we're learning is that you can't, like, emotionally process things if your chi is congested.

It's like a kind of cerebral constipation.


Anyway, I just... So...


You see?

It's working!

Your colour is, like, coming back in your cheeks and...

Do you see, like, the aura? It was, like, a dusty... Now it's...

So, tonight, I'm going to make the most cleansing dinner and I would love if you would join us.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Why, thank you, sir.

Go ahead, Mattie. Dinner is served!

Oh, right on, man! Fancy shmancy!

It's beautiful out here. It's like a little fairy paradise.

Did you make this in there? Yes.

All right!

She's feeding us lawn. Dude, shut up.

Look at this. Little pitchers have big ears.

You know, radishes are a blood detoxifier.

I got your Happy Meal.

The loaf is made with tempeh and bean paste.


Oh, and I added cheese curds. That wasn't in the recipe.

You are going to be so regular tomorrow, you're not going to believe it.






I steal library books.

On purpose.

I have them from every town I've ever lived in. I can't control it.

Grady never knew that about me.

Maureen? That has wheatgrass in it.

Also, I can put my whole fist in my mouth.

You don't want to see it, it's a little Traci Lords, but I never told him that, either, in six years.

Also, I love natural disasters! I want people to die in them.

I'm genuinely disappointed when the death toll is low.

And also, I made it with a girl once.

And do you know what else? You know what Grady never knew about me is that I think catch and release fishermen are heartless weenies.

I think putting a fish through agony for nothing more than your own entertainment is just plain cruel.

I think if you're going to torture a living thing...

If you're going to make it look into the eyes of its maker, face its own puny little place in the universe, then, for God's sake, have the decency to eat it!

This is excellent, Maureen. I mean, I feel better.



So, were you, like, the bitch or the butch?

You know what? Give me that. Give me it, you little sniper.

This is not a toy. Okay? This is a weapon.

Weapons are toys.

Weapons are...

You need a hobby, kid. In a big, bad way, and I mean now.

You need like a bike or some comic books, maybe a fishing rod. Definitely a fishing rod.

Your dad was an awesome fisherman.

My dad was a superhero.

He also fished.

That's a lot of dust.

Wait, not too far!

But, Maureen, look!

Oh, this is beautiful!


Now, if you give a man a fish, he will have a single meal, but if you teach a man to fish, he will eat his whole life.

You know what that is?

Kuan Tzu I just rocked you with. Ancient Chinese philosopher.

Quote from the Lemon Zinger Green Tea box, you might remember.

I can tell by your face, no.

You know what? Doesn't matter.


A lot of people seem to feel that the key piece of equipment is the rod, but I disagree, sir.

I've always felt all the magic is in the hat.

And this hat is yours.

It belonged to your dad.

Very cool.

...which is ironic because that chick had a pretty big-ass...

Whoa, hold on. I think we might... Maybe we're on a log.

We're not! We're not on a log, kid. There's something alive here!

Oh, my God, we got a fish! We're getting a...

Dennis! We're getting a...

Look, I'm going to level with you, kid. I've never caught anything in my life.

I've been faking it. One time I lied and I bought a fish at a store but this is the first time I have ever caught a fish and you're going to help me reel it in!

Grab the rod. Come on, we're going to bring him in!

Oh, my. This is what God feels like when he catches a fish!

Come on! Come on, you son of a...

Bring him in! Reel him in. Pull!


Dig it! Dig it! Now bring him in! Bring him in! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Man versus fish. What...

That's kind of... You know what? He's a little sleepy. Come on, Mattie.

Let's head over this way.

Look out, it's a heartless fisherman.

Someone call PETA.

You know, fish have brains the size of pebbles.

They don't even remember pain.

You keep telling yourself that.

It's the truth.

Okay, fine. Just don't lead with it on a date. It makes you sound cold.

Hey, who are you dating these days?


What about that girl from that place who liked you? You know, with the hair.

Persephone? Yeah.

You should ask her out. Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I'm not exactly available.

What do you mean? You just said you're not dating.

Oh, you're dating someone secret. No.

Are you having an affair with a married woman?

No! God!

Dennis, fess up. Do I know her? No.

I'm the last one to know everything. No! Good God, no.

I'm not having an affair with a married woman. That's ridiculous.

I don't know. What else could it be?

You really want to know? Badly.

All right.

I'll tell you.

For the past six years, I've been telling myself the same thing.

"It's okay. He's a better man."

And it turns out that's just bullshit.

Look at what he did to you, Gray.

He had, hands-down, the best girl in the world, and he goes...

If I had you, if you were mine, there is no way...

There is no way.

Scratch that.

I'm having an affair with a married woman.

I do love you, Dennis.

That's great.

Hey, Mattie.

Hey. What?


Put your foot up. There you go.

There we go.

We'll get you all fixed up.

And today's Little Mary Sunshine Award goes to...

I'm starving.

You get extremely cool stuff when you get married.

No wonder people do it.

Were you ever close?

To getting married?


Why not, do you think?

I don't know. I guess it just always made more sense to walk away.

Aren't you lonely?

Right now, no.

No, just...

In general.

Who do you tell your stories to?

I guess I keep them to myself.

That's a tragedy.


You want to hear a story?

I got a good one.

Guy goes to a funeral...


Look at you, rocking the Foreman at 3:00 in the morning. Right on, sir.

You going to eat both of those, or...


Dig in. Thanks, man.

They say you're not supposed to eat after 7:00, but, what, am I trying to win a beauty contest?

Thanks, Fritz!

You bet, buddy.

They have to take the DNA sample at the hospital.

The only way I could get him to go was by promising you'd come.

Well, I'm glad I could...

Hospitals scare the you-know-what out of him.

He was a preemie. He was, like, three and a half weeks early, and he wasn't ready to leave my womb at that point.

So I think, like, on some deep psychic level, he must associate hospitals with fear and separation.

Like, "Oh, my God! I'm leaving my mother!

"What if I never see her again?

"Am I all alone in this world?"

That's a heavy load.

You ever hear the expression "The power of suggestion," Maureen?


No, is that, like, a workshop?

Oh, yeah.

So it's a little filthy.

I'm sorry. No, that's all right.

Can I get you something to drink? We got beer, we got some tap water.

Do you have wine? Yes, we have wine.

Glasses are over there. Let me see if we can find something at least drinkable.

All right.

Here we go.

I have no idea if this is any good. It was given to me by a client I took up to Snake River.

What is it?


Sam, I don't know how to thank you. I really don't.

You know what? It's totally cool.

No, it really could've been a nightmare with that giant Q-Tip thing.

Here, honey.

You know what? This kid did not need my help.

The Force is strong with this one. I was just there.

You know, normally I would offer to make you something to eat, but...

I mean, I have trail mix.

I've already had dinner with you once and, no offence, but I've reached my annual quota of turf.

Oh, hey, I know!

How about a massage?

Did you take a course?

Yeah, this is, like, a percussion-based.

All you got to do is watch the drummers on the beach, really.

Any lower and you might hit a gas pocket.

Little guy doesn't want to give it up.

Maybe he should stay.

Sam, you're not breathing. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

Your calves are extraordinary. Well, you... Thanks.

Did you play football?

I watched a lot of football.

Right on.

Do you feel that chakra energy?

Is that what it is? Yes.

It's very chakr-y.


Well, I can't thank you enough. That was...

Sam, we're not done. No?

Turn over. What?

Oh, no.

Is there a name for this method?

Just be open.

You can really start to feel the aura change.

I feel a light magenta.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

What am I thinking?

It's totally okay, you know? No, it's not.

You're being too hard on yourself, man. It's not a thing. Don't worry about it.

I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, come on, that's just crap. You're an excellent mother.

That kid, I've seen you with him. He loves you, you know?

Sam, I can't do this.

It's too hard.

Yes, you can.

You can do it.

You're a gem.

Come here. Come here.


My girlfriends and I used to have this rule with each other.

"No sleeping with a guy until you knew his mother's maiden name."


We figured it would keep us out of beds of men we barely knew.



Anything else you want to know?

What's your favourite colour?


You are not who I thought you were.

Yeah, well,

neither are you.

Morning, Dennis.


What you doing there, sir?

All right, seriously, handyman, whatever this is, just not good for you, really not good for our front door.

Give me the planer, Dennis.

Give me the planer, Dennis.

Give me the planer, Dennis.

Give me the planer, Dennis!

Give me it. Get off me.

Let it go!


Wow! What is this?

I need to find a picture for the garden dedication.

I can't find one where you can really see his face.

I'm a big boy, you know?

You could've just told me.

Told you what?

That you were in love with someone else.

I'm not.

I saw you guys coming in last night.

Dennis. God.

That's nothing.

It's less than nothing.


I have stuff in storage. I'll find you a picture.


Nice dress.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

I never got a chance to wear it.

It's a girl thing.

What are you doing? Heading out.

Just wanted to check in, say goodbye.

You're leaving?

Why? What happened? Nothing.

Less than nothing, right?

Yeah, that's the thing with small houses, everybody hears everything.

You got to get yourself a big one, like mine.

On the beach, in Malibu, waves crashing.

Nobody can hear a thing.

I didn't mean it.

That's okay.

Really. I got to get home anyway.

Back to reality.


I'll see you. Fritz, wait.

I only said that because... Because you were embarrassed.

That's okay.

Me and you doesn't look good.

Not your style, right?

I'll see you.

Wait. For what?

You going to get out of that wedding dress? That's gonna take a while.

I got to go.

Kind of quiet in here, isn't it?

"Yeah, it's real quiet, Sam. Good talking to you, dude."

Ladies, not his kid.


There's absolutely no chance that Mr. Douglas fathered that child.

Thank you, Eve.

This is a mistake.

You know? It has to be, because...

It just has to be and they probably just took the wrong sample or...

Or maybe I have the same initials, M.M., as someone else.

Marlene Morris, or...

Yeah, but they're usually kind of careful with this stuff.

No. I'm telling you, doctors make mistakes.

I saw an entire documentary.

They amputate the wrong leg all the time, you have this one dying over here.

You know, it's, like, a zoo at the hospital.

Yeah, I don't know if that's the case.

Hey, you know what? Just... I'm just saying.

Okay, well, I don't know what you guys are saying, because all I know is, we were sexual and then nine months later I had a kid.

Eight months.

Because Mattie was born three and a half weeks premature.

Yeah, I know. I mean...

But when I got the ultrasound, the doctor told me the exact day of when we probably conceived.

This would be one of those doctors that amputates the wrong leg.

Jesus, Dennis, just...

Oh, my God.

You know who the real guy is?

Yeah, his name was Rafael.

He was really nice.

He was, like, Italian or French.

What do you think you're going to do?

I'm not sure.

I guess I'll quit school and go back to work.

Find a daycare for Mattie, but all the places I can afford are so kind of depressing.

But it'll be all right.

It will, you know. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

It always is.

God, I shouldn't have ripped up that cheque.


Sam, how do I open the big one?

Just don't...

I'm going to... Come on, kid.

It's a knife!

All right, Mattie. Come on, man.

I'm really, really so sorry about all this.

You could've just loved him and missed him, and never known.


Never known him.

You know, I just remembered something recently.

About a year ago, he and I spent a day on the river.

He fished and I read. It was one of those perfect days.

We were on our way home and he said he had something to tell me.

I said, "Is it going to make me happier, or less happy?"

He said, "Less happy."

I said...

"Then don't tell me."

Ellen. Hi.

I'd like to talk about the boy.

The one that is definitely not my son's child.

Well, the one he decided to support without a DNA test.

Grady didn't need that money.

And he knew this kid's life would be so much better with a little help.

What are you saying?

I'm saying if you don't give this child what Grady wanted him to have then I will.

But you don't have money.


But I do have this.

I don't want to sell it, Ellen.

I would so rather give it back to you.

But all I know is that for whatever reason, Grady wanted this boy to be okay.

Look, the papaya lady!

Hey. You knew him, too?

He was my son.

I should've told you that.

God, that's...

I'm sorry.

How did you know who we were?

It was the hat.

Grady tied those flies himself.

He did?

This is for you.

Am I in trouble?


I figure you're going to pout all day until I say this, so I'm just going to put it out there.

You give good garden.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, there's something I got to tell you.

Yeah, what's that?

I found a new place.

New place for what?


For me to live in.

What? What? Wait! What?

You're moving out? Yes.

Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, I know. I know.

It was just a fight, sir. Look, it's not about you.

It's just that it feels like time, man.

It's not time.

It was a small fight, sir. A tiny fight. Like, we'll get over it, sir.

I'm not ready to live alone, Dennis.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

It's a great house and I'm sure if you want to stay there, you're not gonna have any trouble finding another roommate.


It was great what you did for them.


Oh, no. You keep it.

Just promise me that the next person who gets it, you'll tell them about him, everything you can remember.

I promise.

I didn't need the money. I never wanted it.

Or the ring.

I just wanted my boy back.

I didn't know everything about Grady.

Here's some of what I did know.

I told them all the great things I know about you, and there were a lot. I was up there a while.

He loved coffee.

I didn't tell them everything, though.

I left out the complicated stuff, like how it took losing you forever for me to truly find you.

And how finding you turned me into someone else entirely.

That's not what they came for.

People want to hear you were great.

Not that you were great, but also, sometimes, not so great.

They want to know I miss you.

Not that while I've been missing you, I've fallen for someone else.

It's weird, though.

I feel like the only one who would understand it is you.

In a way, that makes sense.

He was the one person you were yourself around.

Of course he'd be that same person for me.

Anyway, I left all that out and I kept it simple.

I told them I loved you and that's the truth.

Do I get my own bedroom? Yeah.

Can I use the hockey table? Absolutely not.

Wait, which one are we taking?

Take the one upstairs on the left, Mo.


Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I just figured they should stick around at least until winter because the kid has never seen snow.

What kind of craziness is that? Totally.

That's a bold move, Samuel.

Well, as Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

Which tea?

Come on, sir. I've been known to pick up a book.

Which tea? Tummy Mint.

Sam, are you bringing the bags?

I'm... You just...

Yeah, I'm on it. All right.

Oh, now, what the hell is this? You're leaving, too? Come on, man.

You have a very full house here, Sam.

You don't need me. You'll be fine.

Well, can I at least come visit you at your new place, maybe paint your walls an inappropriate shade of blue?

Yes. Absolutely.

I'm just going to go on a quick trip and then...

Where you going?

Wait a second.



Oh, you little tramp!

You're really going. I really am.

I'll see you soon. Yeah. It's okay.



Come here. Come here.

You ready? Okay, come on!

I think I should have called.

You're probably busy or on your way out, or...

God, you could be seeing someone by now. I hadn't thought of that.

Someone you met in a normal, you know, uncomplicated...

What took you so long?