Cavemen (2013) Script

[keyboard typing]

[metallic click]

[fluorescent lights buzzing]

[keyboard typing]

[♪ Reto: "All Day and Through the Night" ♪]

♪ Uh huh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ We got to get started ♪

♪ We got to make it right ♪

♪ We're gonna keep on going ♪

♪ All day and to the night ♪

♪ You know we got to work it ♪

♪ We really gotta move ♪

♪ We had a will to do it ♪

♪ We got the attitude ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ We got to, We got to get it started ♪

♪ We got to make it work, work, gonna keep it going ♪

♪ We got to get started ♪

♪ We got to get started ♪

♪ We're going all day and to the night ♪

♪♪

♪ We gotta get it ♪

♪ I said let's go ♪

♪ We gotta get it ♪

♪♪

♪ I said come on ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I said, I said, I said, come on ♪

♪♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ We got to get it started ♪

♪ We're gonna keep it going all day and to the night ♪

[music fades into dance track] we're at the One-Eyed Gypsy one night, right?

We're a little bit ripped.

No, we were hammered.

I was buzzed, he was hammered. Whatever.

We were ready for a little bit of action, We just came from, uh, 80s night at 107.

We were in a...

Echo and the Bunnymen, do you know that band?

No, what do they sing?

Uh...oh!

[sings tune of song unrecognizably]

How the fuck am I supposed to tell what song that is?

Dude, you know what? Fuck off.

I'm an actor, not a singer. All right?

Anyway. Pete and I decided we were just going to go for it with the ladies.

Maybe you shouldn't tell this.

It's okay. I love hearing about your past.

You do?

Of course. I love you.

And I love you. Hmm.

[loud kissing]

Anyway.

So we're doing our thing.

Suddenly, I spot these two Indian babes.

Pete later on discovers that the two Indian babes are actually Indian dudes.

Oh no no, that's a different story.

Andre used to date an Indian babe.

That's right.

Lovely ladies.

Anyway, I'm telling you.

These fucking chicks were hot.

One was hot, one was not.

She was cute.

You are so fucking insensitive.

Would you let him tell the story?

So the one sexy Indian chick and her hairy friend happen to make eye contact with us from across the bar.

So I look over and I, uh, signal them to come on over.

And they dance on over you know Kama Sutra, some shit and the hot one, she's ready to go.

And Pete here--he thinks she's coming over to him.

She sits down next to me.

I'm telling you guys, he's fucking smoking. you know, starts coming on to me and shit.

Like in what way?

Well she starts saying things like...

You have nice lips.

Is it bad if I want to kiss you in public?

Bad for who? Not for me.

And being the gentleman that I am.

I lean over and I give her these luscious lips.

Pete and the hairy chick, they're just watching us.

Finally, Pete says...

Okay. I gotta get up early for work.

Wha-what do you do?

Uh, I'm a trader.

Ohh, mind if I join you?

Lucky for me, Pete took one for the team.

You had sex with her?

Oh yeah. No. I didn't.

[scoffs] I didn't have se--

Remember the brush burn?

Beth! Babe! Wait!

Dude, you're such a douche.

Whoops. Anyway.

So, I lean into the Indian chick.

I'm like, wanna go?

Why not?

So she grabs me, pulls me into the alley.

She says, I want to taste your hard candy.

And I'm like, my what?

Your hard candy.

So I'm like, fuck. Savor the flavor. Taste the rainbow.

She gives me the fucking knob slob right there in the alley.

After that, we go back to her place, drag her comforter out, take it up to the roof, seal the deal right there.

My bare ass exposed to all of downtown.

Quite pretty. I got a nice ass.

Can you use it in your script?

[snaps fingers] Dean!

Hmm?

I'm giving you fucking gold here.

I'm sorry, man.

Ohh, she's giving you E.

E?

Energy.

It's my new word.

Whatever. She's giving it to you.

No, she's not.

Andre? Serious E, kid.

Capital E, kid.

Hello. [all] Tess!

Hey. Hi, love.

You are looking quite lovely tonight, Tess.

Yeah, okay. Thanks.

Um, what's the situation? Hm?

Well, Dean here was about to go to work.

Would you stop?

Really? Who?

Nothing.

Back?

Oh, blondie?

You know what? The dress is a little slutty, Dean. But...

Dean, she's got talent.

I would, but I already have my lady for the night.

Oh yeah? Who's the lucky girl?

What are you doing?

What's he doing?

He's giving you E.

E?

E.

Oh. Right.

Uh huh.

I don't think so, buddy.

All right. Oh.

You save me a dance and I'm gonna go change this music.

Of course.

[Jay laughs]

Damn, kid.

That was, that was subtle, man.

Hey, I'm in it to win it. Okay?

These people aren't here to play fuckin' Yahtzee.

They're here to get laid.

Look, all this talking is just foreplay. It's bullshit.

Back me up, Andre.

We were just fulfilling our primal needs, like cavemen.

Except for in prehistoric days, They just exchanged a few grunts and fucked.

So basically, you're saying that the only difference between us and cavemen is the evolution of language?

Which is ironic because language is that very thing that usually gets in the way of us getting laid.

Pssh. Where do you come up with this shit?

Little place called the world wide web, my friend.

Gay porn. Yeah.

Now. Get out there and take what's yours.

Such an asshole.

And see if she's got a friend.

Two friends.

Here we go. Ah! Ah! Ohh.

[laughs]

Hey! Good job!

[laughs]

We have an announcement.

Oh yeah? What's that?

We are no longer quarreling.

That's a fucking relief.

[speaking Spanish]

Why haven't you not called me? It's been two days!

[laughs]

The kid's been busy.

Well, I can find me another man.

Oh, I know you can, baby.

Baby?

Baby.

Oh, baby.

Aww. Baby. Baby.

[loud kissing]

I missed you.

So much.

[clears throat]

Okay. Excuse me.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Jesus.

What happened to my dance?

I had to get out of there.

You never dance with me.

I think you'll get over it.

[clears throat]

Sara's a crutch, Dean.

Who said I was going to Sara's?

Uh huh. Where are you going then?

Uh huh. Okay, you know what? Whatever.

You've been warned.

And you know that I love you for it.

Mhmm.

Contact.

Bye, babe. Bye.

[intercom] Next stop, Union Station.

Are you really going to Sara's, Dean?

Seriously, dude? She's kind of a ho.

Look to your right, Dean.

Excuse me?

Look to your right.

That is love.

Are you lonely?

That's because you're alone.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

[moaning] Yes, oh yeah!

[groans with pleasure]

[breathing heavily]

[blows raspberry]

Hey, Sara? Yeah?

Have you ever been in love?

You ever think about it at all?

Just about love. You know, about being in love.

With you?

Oh, not necessarily with me. Just in general.

Not really.

What if I said it?

Say what?

What, what if I said I loved you?

Do you?

What if I said it?

Why say it?

Cause you wouldn't mean it.

Okay, so what if I meant it, what would you say?

I don't know.

Think about it.

I think we've got a pretty good thing going on here.

You do?

Of course I do.

[♪ soft music ♪]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Huh? Oh, no no. No thanks, man.

You buy for girl?

Uh, no thanks. No girl.

Ah. You buy for boy?

No, I buy for a girl.

Ah. You buy for a girl.

All right. Here. Let's see what I got here.

K. All right. There you go.

Ah. Arigato.

Sure.

[♪ soft music ♪]

♪♪


♪♪

[Dean voice-over] Interior. The Cave. Night.

Pick up with Jake wearing all black, weaving his way through the uber-hip crowd.

Another hopeless night in La La Land.

That is until he sees her:

A Siren.

Goddess.

A Muse.

Call her Kat.

♪♪

I love you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

This dude's gonna tell her that he loves her even though they've never met?

No. It's actually meant to be symbolic of Jake's need to find love.

Let me rephrase the question.

Does Jake have a vagina?

Oh, you mean is he a transexual?

Or maybe he's thinking about becoming a transexual.

Or maybe he got his deal lobbed off before they could dig out a vag or something.

Yeah, yeah. But they left him with a sack.

But with only one ball.

What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Jake is a dude.

Fully equipped. The most manly of men.

Right.

Who wants to fall in love?

So what? There are plenty of guys are age who are looking for love.

Sure there are.

Name one.

Fuck you guys.

Were you just--

It was a self-point. It was a self-point?

Hello. And welcome back to Here Comes the Bride.

Where our bride to be is about to ask one last question before asking the lucky man to marry her!

Groom number one:

What will you do to make me fall in love with you?

Well, I'm a live life on the edge kinda guy, so I think we'd probably do a lot of skydiving or bungee jumping or off roaring in my new

4-wheel drive.

Oh. Ha! I like that.

Groom number two?

Well, since I'm a personal trainer, my plan is Oh, personal trainer? That's really original.

Sounds sweaty.

What will you do to make me fall in love with you? to make somebody fall in love with you.

For the simple reason that love is predestined.

It's about fate. It's about magic.

It's about are we meant to be together?

And while I don't know the future, I can offer you this:

If you're my destiny, I will love you with everything that I've got.

[phone rings]

Love that answer.

Yeah, but he won't get picked.

Do you wanna know why?

Hmm. Cause he's a geek?

Well, yeah that, and the fact that he's losing his hair.

See, the chicks on this show know exactly who they're gonna marry the second the guys Wait? Are you saying that people that go on dating shows are shallow? Shocking. to men who have healthy heads of hair.

It's a sign that their offspring will survive in the next generation.

Genetically speaking.

Are we really qualified to be speaking genetically?

I wouldn't do so well on this show.

What are you talking about? You have a head full of hair.

Yeah, but my grandfather was bald, so I know it's coming.

Only a finite amount of time left for me to mate.

What are you, a chimp?

I'm telling you -- it's all over for me.

Bald at 25. So tragic.

What? Really? Wha? I'm bald?

I'm kidding, you punk.

Thinning? I'm hanging up.

Slightly receding?

All right, neurotic. goodbye.

I think I'll marry... groom number one!

[laughs]

[gameshow audience cheers, applauds]

Douchebag.

So, I'm at the post office, right?

I find that I'm two stamps short.

Check my wallet. Bone dry.

So I turn to this girl behind me and beautiful brown eyes, giving me a little E. So I say, hey, can I borrow two stamps?

But we gotta go back to my place to get them.

So we go back to her place. She's mad cash.

I'm talking persian cat. Full cloth...

I'm allergic to cats.

So I start petting the cat.

Before you know it, she joins in, right?

We're both like, vigorously just petting this cat.

And she says to me, do you like my cat?

And I'm like, well, this is perhaps the finest cat I have ever petted. she's working the high hard fastball.

The high hard fastball?

His dick.

My dick.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, must be a short conversation.

Uh, two whiskey sours, okay?

Hm. Why don't you ever get on that?

Cause you don't sleep with your friends, Jay.

Who says?

It's a well documented rule.

That's your rule, not mine.

Can you just finish the story, please?

Where was I?

Right! My dick. Anyway, so she lifts her head up, right?

Looks at me with those baby blue eyes.

They were brown.

Brown? Blue? Fucking iridescent! Doesn't matter, cause I am seeing stars at this point, gentlemen.

And you know what she does?

She hands me two stamps.

Damn, kid.

Feel free to use that in your script.

Oh! What's up, baby?

[video game beeping]

So, Jimmy, how's school going?

Great. That's great.

Ahh, sorry this is so last minute, Dean.

Can you believe the deal with my sitter?

Yeah. Why was she deported again?

Oh, I don't know. Something about drugs or prostitution or something. What did we learn about video games?

That they lead to an increase in violence Okay, promise you'll be good for your uncle.

All right, I left money on the counter for dinner.

You guys can get pizza, but be sure to get a salad, too.

He needs the ruffage. Oh, but nothing with beans.

He can't process beans.

Just get outta here.

All right.

Thank you! You're a life saver.

Sure.

[video game beeping] what's say we do something educational, actually?

Like what?

I don't know, why don't I let you decide?

Wrestlemania!

Hey!

[Jimmy groaning]

Hey! Hey, are you busy?

Wrestlemania!

Um, can you give me a hand here? Maybe?

[claps]

All right. All right. You're asking for it.

I don't hear. Is that a mercy? I don't hear a mercy?

Stop! Mercy! Do you hear mercy?

I'm not hearing mercy. At all. Can you?

Are you done? You're totally done?

Yes! I don't hear it.

Mercy! I can't--

Mercy! Mercy?

I have to hear it louder!

Mercy!

Mercy?

Yes.

All right. Okay.

Yay? What do you mean, yay? It's not over.

Are you guys having sex?

What? God, no.

No.

Where did you even learn that word?

Mommy says you used to date.

Oh no. Briefly.

Yeah, one date. Yeah, in college.

We never ever had sex.

Yeah, uh, do you even know what sex is, Jimmy?

No, explain it.

Yes, Dean. Do explain it.

Sex is like ice cream because you, you only have it with people that you really, really love.

Have you ever had ice cream with someone before?

No.

So you've never been in love.

Yes. That is right.

So do you masturbate?

You owe me. Big time.

I will, I will paint your friggin' bedroom, okay?

Except I am not doing that shade of yellow.

Yes, you are. That is disgusting.

Because you owe me. So figure it out.

All right. Just make it work.

Well, thanks again for everything.

Ride included.

Well, note to self: buy a car. Some day. Please.

And fully commit to LA?

Has your shit gone crazy? Get out of here.

It's been two years, you know?

She's not gonna wait around forever.

Yeah, well, she's a fickle mistress.

Yeah. No kidding.

I will buy a car, when I have a solid reason to stay.

All right. Good. Done and done.

Now get outta here, you punk.

Bye. Bye.

Oh. Um.

Okay. I'm so sorry.

I mean, really? Dean?

And I think our lips actually touched there.

Are you wearing like a peach, like, melon?

Okay. You know what? It's actually not the first time you tried to kiss me.

Really?

Really? Yeah.

Because as I recall, it was actually you who was the instigator of our one kiss.

The kiss that you bailed on.

Okay. Only because I had just had a root canal, pretty clear about prior to the start of the date.

My bottom lip was like still numb. Give me a break.

Mhmm, and all this time I thought that drool was for me.

[laughs] Okay, seriously.

All right, fine. Going. Hurry up.

Move it!

Bye. Bye!

[car door slams]

Ow! Sorry.

That was really violent.

Not necessary.

[street noise]

[wind blowing]

Let us have wine, women, mirth, and laughter.

Sermons and soda water the day after.

Don Juan.

Oh, a literary man, no less.

Yeah, well five years of college finally paying off.

And what dream are we pursuing now?

That of the actor? The director?

Screenwriter.

Hmm.

A bartender that writes.

A writer who bartends.

Huh. Anything I might have seen?

You ever see The Hangover?

I did.

Yeah. I didn't write that.

I'll tell you, if it's any consolation, you got most of the whiskey in the glass.

I am a great believer in luck.

I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.

That's the plan.

No, that's Thomas Jefferson.

Hey, um, earlier today one of my buddies was in here.

Anyway, he works for a record studio so I gave him your number. If, if that's okay?

Yeah. I mean, that'd be, that'd be great. Thank you.

All right. Just looking out.

That's a nice looking lady.

[wind blowing]

♪♪

Okay, here we go.

Magic time.

Come on.

Magic time.

[types aggressively]

When I was in college, I took one of those career aptitude tests.

You know, answered a lot of questions And you know they said I should be?

A ferry boat captain.

Not a writer.

A ferry boat captain.

I mean, do you like even have to go to college to be a ferry boat captain?

Is that something you could apply for?

I don't know.

What's your script about, uncle Dean?

It's about falling in love.

But I thought you said you've never been in love.

That's right.

Then how do you write about it?

[sighs]

Maybe you should fall in love.

Jimmy, that's easy to say, buddy.

But you can't just go out there and fall in love like it's something you can just do.

You ever tried?

No.

Then how do you know?

[laughs] That's amazing.

So wait, where did you go to school?

Uh, I went to Berkeley.

Oh, Berkley. That's a really good school.

Thank you. That was my reach school.

I went to school back east. Uh, NYU.

Hmm. Not as good, but...

Are you, uh, trying to start a fire with those things?

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just a little nervous.

I mean, if it makes you feel any better, I'm nervous too.

Really? You are?

Of course.

It's all a bit of a game, isn't it.

What is?

Just dating, in general.

I just mean that there are so many rules It's like we have to become these super human people who always order the right thing or like the right music or tell the perfect story.

Or who never have to go to the bathroom.

Exactly. It's like, we're nervous.

Why can't we go to the bathroom three or four times on a date?

It's actually why I'm wearing a catheter right now.

Oh no...

I'm so sorry.

I'm not actually wearing a catheter right now, but you see that's a perfect example of a joke that doesn't work.

It just goes to show you, yoh what you s.

I totally agree with you.

It's all about socially retarded. Don't you think?

What?

My little sister is retarded.

It's an old make-up factory that we converted into a loft.

God, that sounds neat.

Yeah. The only real drawback is that there are no windows or walls.

So you don't have bedrooms or anything?

We just, we threw up curtains to divide up the space.

Oh. That must be tough on privacy.

Yeah, well, like my roommate always says:

If one of us is having sex, we're all having sex.

Yeah, family is so important to me.

I agree. I really do.

Well, what's your family like?

Well, my parents are divorced, but um... but I have a sister, who is actually also divorced, um...

I've actually never been involved in anything That's like, I, I like to have sex with one person at a time.

I haven't even really--

I'm waiting 'til I get married.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't laugh. That's terrible.

But they don't have any kids, my aunt says that that's like, would like totally ruin everything.

I...your sister's a retard? I'm sorry. That's worse.

That's worse. I should not have said that, that's--

Wow! That's crazy.

Can't believe you've never had a boyfriend.

Well, I've never really had time for a relationship-- because I was molested by--

Dogs. I'm allergic to dogs.

How do you know that's not dog?

I don't eat meat.

I don't do dairy.

I don't swallow.

I've never had an orgasm.

I've frozen my eggs.

Have you ever tried tantra?

Are you staring at my breasts?

My last boyfriend's penis was too large.

Check, please.

[intercom] Next stop: Highland Park.

Look over there to your left, Dean.

Leave me alone.

Come on, dude. Look to your left.

She could be the one.

Go talk to her, man.

I-- and what, look like a psycho? No, thanks.

Well, maybe you are a psycho.

You ever consider that?

All the time.

Oops, my bad.

Yes, so good! Feels good!

Yes. Fuck. Don't say anything!

Don't, don't talk. Don't talk.

Yeah, okay now talk. Don't.

No, don't talk. Don't. Don't talk.

[yells] It's coming! It's coming!

[screams]

Unh!

[indistinct]

Hi.

Hi.

[heavy breathing]

Can I ask you something?

[phone rings]

Hang on a sec.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi. Hi, stranger.

Where have you been?

Yeah, that'd be great!

[laughs] You're bad!

[inaudible]

I can't tell you that right now.

I've got someone here.

Yeah, well, what are you wearing?

Wh-- are you?

Oh, you're not going to want to know what I'm wearing.

Look, Pete. It's for the best man. You gotta trust me.

She called me a cocksucker.

Damn, kid.

I just can't be with a chick who's gonna call me a cocksucker.

You shouldn't have to be.

It's not very loving.

No, it's not. I agree.

What's up, buddy? What's up?

Hey, what's going on?

Uh, Beth dumped Pete again.

No. I dumped her.

Well, I'm sorry. He dumped her.

Why?

Well, Pete's a cocksucker.

Sorry to hear that, Pete.

Why don't you come out for a drink with us?

Can't do it. Gotta write.

Write later.

Write later?

Dude, you write all the time. Write later.

I don't want to write later. I feel like writing right now.

Dude, your friend is in pain.

Whatever. They break up like three times a month.

Dude, this was the last time.

You see? That's the last time.

I gotta write.

Wow.

[laughs] I'm not hearing this.

Look, I'm sorry. I can't just go out bar hopping with the guys every time I feel like it. I have-- there's things that you might not understand...

Self control.

Discipline.

Will power.

[♪ Dance music ♪]

Please don't.

Oh, please do.

What!

[Pete laughs]

Wow!

♪ Yeah! ♪ You're a terrible dancer!

Wow!

Wow!

Is that? You send--are you sending me in?

He's sending me. It's been sent.

♪ Those girls are lookin' at me ♪ Wow!

♪ Those girls are lookin' at me ♪

♪ Those girls are lookin' at me ♪

♪ Check me out ♪ Come on, catch that shit.

♪ Those girls are lookin' at me ♪

[laughs]

Come on. Come on!

Yeah!

I fuckin' hate you guys.

I fuckin' hate you too.

♪ Cause I'm a hottie with a body ♪

♪ I'll make them cuties shake their booties ♪

♪ I turn the dance to believers ♪

♪ I get 'em hot just like a fever ♪

♪ Cause I'm a hottie with a body ♪

♪ I make them cuties shake their booties ♪

♪ I turn the dance to believers ♪ Be still my groin.

I'm getting some serious E. Gentlemen, excuse me.

Yeah, I'm gonna do a lap.

♪♪ Great.

♪♪ Hey, can I get a whiskey when you get a chance?

Please?

Hey, need a favor.

She's got a friend.

No. No. Fuck no.

Before you say anything, she is, she's beautiful.

Okay?

You're gonna like her. I promise.

How? What? How do I owe you anything.

I'll owe you. Okay? Come on.

I would like you to meet a good friend of mine.

This is Dean. Hi.

Dean, this is Monique. Hi.

And her friend-- Jasmine.

Nice to meet you.

Jasmine's a writer, too.

Really? What do you write?

The advice column for Out.

Oh, that's like, a travel magazine, right?

Actually, it's an alternative lifestyles publication.

Bro, you see that?

What?

She's giving me E.

Oh yeah? How do you know?

I can just tell.

It's one of those things.

God, I love being single.

Hmm.

Watch the kid go to work.

Men in LA play so many games.

They're so non-committal.

I just got tired of looking for a man who could be.

Just be.

This is why I've chosen to be with women.

She's totally checking me out.

She's coming right there, watching my every move.

She looks like Beth.

So is what you're doing working?

Oh, you know it is. You know it is. Try it.

How do I do it? Just send it out there.

Send it, baby. Send it.

Most men I've dated, I would classify as penetrators.

I'm not too big on being penetrated.

Vagina is actually Latin for sheath.

I just got tired of being another sheath, you know?

Totally.

Yeah, okay. We're gonna go.

Have fun.

Your friend, for example, he's a penetrator.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Hey, man. Can I get a whiskey neat, please?

Thanks.

Keep it.

No way! My God.

Send it, baby. Send that E. Send it.

Come on. Look at me. I command you to look at me.

What am I doing? Oh my gosh.

Just go over there and talk to her, you lunatic.

Stop talking to yourself. That would be really smart.

Damn.

Unbelievable! Nice job, Dean.

What? on the way back to The Cave, thank you very much.

Oh, who cares, man? It's all bullshit anyway.

This endless need to prove your masculinity.

Divide and conquer.

Ooh, I'm getting serious E.

What is that? It's energy.

I know what it is, Pete.

I'm asking what it really means. What does it say?

What are we doing here?

I know you're here to hook up, Jay.

I'm just asking what does it say about the human condition?

The human condition.

What does my wanting to get laid have anything to do with the human condition?

I'm just asking questions, man.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. It is no more misguided than your idiotic quest to find the one.

You think it's misguided?

It's completely misguided.

Finding the one is a inherently false concept.

You know, people have [stammers] this fairy tale expectation that sex is no longer gonna be fucking, it's gonna be making love.

And you know what?

They will make love for a while and then they'll just want to fuck again.

And you know what?

You're gonna think about this. You're gonna think, why do I want to fuck the person that I love?

And then you'll realize that you never really loved that person.

Instead, you loved the idea of being in love with that person, so that person was never truly the one, she was your idea of what the one should be.

It's a mind fuck.

You're a sad man, Jay.

I'm an honest man.

Pete, help me out here.

I have a test. It's called The Mud Puddle Test.

Yeah, say I'm walking with my girl down the street and she somehow manages to slip and fall Somehow manages? Pete what are you talking about?

No, no, no. I'm serious.

Look, there are two outcomes.

Either she laughs about it or complains about it.

The good girl's always gonna laugh about it, right?

But the one, the woman you're gonna marry, she's gonna drag you right into that puddle with her.

See how that works?

Pete, are you like, pushing all your dates into mud puddles?

No no, idiot. No. I just imagine what each one of them would be like in that situation, based on signs I've gotten while we were dating.

And Beth?

I don't even know anymore.

What about you, Andre?

Me? I love Anna.

Who's Anna?

She lives in New York.

But I thought that Rosa was your girl.

No, Anna's his girl girl.

So does Anna sleep with other people?

No. How do you know?

She's a good girl.

But you do.

I'm a bad boy.

And you love her?

Love is comfort. At least for me, it's comfort.

It's knowing she'll be there whenever I need her.

It's like this lighter.

I love this lighter cause I know it's always gonna work.

So you love Anna like you love your lighter?

He loves his lighter more.

I need a lighter.

She's the one.

A toast then, to finding the one.

No, no.

A toast to lying, cheating, stealing, lying for your friends, cheating death, and stealing ladies' hearts.

I'll catch you guys later.

What the fuck?

Dean! You all right?

Yeah. I'm just--

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, if it makes any difference, I get what you're saying.

You going back to The Cave?

Nah. No.

I know.

Give her my best.

I will.

Bye, buddy. Later.

[phone rings]

[train passing]

I, I know that, I know that you can't look for it, okay?

It's just these women I've been going out with-- too much baggage.

Or just way too shallow.

Yeah, says the guy looking for love to finish his screenplay.

Well, maybe I'm writing it as a subconscious expression of my need to fall in love. You ever think about that?

Well, you're wrong. You gotta look for the signs.

Like the small miracles. The weird coincidences.

The deja-vus. The stuff that turns you off.

The stuff that makes you tingle.

Like seeing the same woman over and over again every time you go out?

Exactly.

Or that you had a boyfriend that you discovered went to the same summer camp as you, except you guys never ran into each other.

Did that happen to you?

No.

Wouldn't that be cool though?

Yeah, it'd be awesome.

Yeah.

I wish I went to summer camp.

Me too.

I just can't believe you find Shaun White attractive.

The flying tomato... I just think if someone has, I think if someone has longer hair than you, Oh! Oh! Are you okay?

Oh! You okay?

[laughs]

You're such an asshole.

What? It was a sign.

Yeah. Mock me if you must. Oh, I must.

You buy flower for girl?

Uh, no. No girl...

This girl...

No! No. Not, not girl.

Not girl? Boy?

No, no. I'm not, I'm not his girl.

We're just friends. Yeah, we're friends.

Ah! Girlfriend!

Yeah, look, man.

You buy?

Here. Okay. Here. Take these.

No. Flowers bad karma. Huh uh.

What? Take them. Please.

Because. For dealing with my crap. Just take them.

I mean it.

Thank you so much.

Contact.

Other one's getting a little jealous.

[giggles]

What?

You made me miss my cab!

You made yourself miss your cab.

What are you taking about? Don't flatter yourself.

Kissing you was like kissing my brother.

Really? Kissing you was like kissing my mother.

Kissing you is like kissing my grandfather and he's dead.

Well you know what? Huh?

Kissing you is completely forgettable.

Forgettable?

Completely.


Shit.

[whistling]

Wakey Wakey.

What? What is it?

Mmm. Eviction notice.

What? For what?

Excessive partying.

Morning, sweetheart.

What the fuck?

Here we go, guys.

Sunny four bedroom loft. High ceilings.

Exposed brick.

Eat-in kitchen. Washer dryer.

Private fucking elevator.

What? Yo, yo. That's the one, kid.

Yeah, but how much is it?

It's $10,000. Fuck me!

Can I get a Jack and Coke?

Oh, we're getting booted from The Cave.

Well, that sucks.

That is a very good point, but you see, the thing is, I don't know what to say to her.

Oh, yeah. I like her, too. I do. But do I like her?

And if I do like her, is it because I really like her or because I'm just trying to write my script?

Wow. Am I that shallow?

Maybe I am, but I kissed her. And I liked it.

So I must like her, right?

I like her.

Yeah, that's good.

I like her too.

You should tell her you like her.

Really? You think that's a good idea?

Duh.

[♪ Jonathan Foreman: "Give Me Back My Girl" ♪]

Oh, hey.

Hey.

I'm sorry. Where're you going?

Yeah, it's empty in there. I got off early.

Oh, okay. Can I talk to you for a sec?

Look, can you talk to me while I'm walking to my car?

It's actually kinda complicated.

Okay, um, then how about I'll call you when I have a second to actually talk. That okay?

Uh yeah. Okay. All right?

Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.

♪ Feel you creepin' in ♪

♪ Breakin' my heart again ♪

♪ I don't know who I've been ♪

♪ Feels like I'm losing it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ Shit.

Hey, Tess! Tess! Hey! Hey!

♪ You can have Los Angeles, ♪

♪ Just give me back my girl ♪

♪♪

♪ Feels like I'm losing you ♪

♪ Like I'm being torn in two ♪

♪ After all that we've been through ♪

♪ Is there nothing that I could do ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You can have Los Angeles ♪ Tess! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Hey! Hey! Tess!

Dammit!

♪ Just give me back my girl ♪ Hey, can you follow that car, please?

♪ Give me back my girl ♪

♪ You can have the basin ♪

♪ Just give me back my girl ♪♪

[melancholy music]

Hey, my man. Get out here?

Oh, uh. No It's actually just a couple more blocks up.

Hello and welcome back to Here Comes the Bride.

Yes, it's the big one.

You're home? Yeah. Keen observation.

No, I just thought. I don't know. You'd be out.

So what are you guys up to?

We just came from having cocktails, which reminds me.

Gotta take a leak, if you pardon my French.

Didn't know you were bilingual.

I have many talents, lady.

Who will be the lucky man to marry her?

And whisk her away to Cabo for a one week honeymoon?

It's our show.

Yeah, our show.

So what'd you want to talk to me about?

What do you mean?

Earlier you wanted to talk to me.

Oh, right. Yeah. I uh... have you ever worked behind the bar before?

Few times. Why?

I was just wandering if you could take one of my shifts.

I'm like, totally overloaded with this whole writing thing Really? That's it?

Yeah.

Uh huh. Okay.

I'll talk to Sid and see if everything's okay with that.

I'm sure it will be fine.

Great. Great.

Great.

So what do you think?

About what?

We just had our first date.

No way! You two?

Yes, and it went quite well, I think.

Yeah, you got my attention.

Hmm. So? How about it?

My two best friends getting together?

What more could a guy ask for? Huh?

Beautiful!

Great.

Totally.

So... don't you have that thing tonight?

Right. Yes. My thing. That thing. I gotta--

Hey, you don't wanna be late.

Yeah, I will see you guys, I'll catch up with you--

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, good luck.

Remember that Latino girl I used to date?

You mean Alicia? Yeah. That's the one.

You know, I took her to one of those rooftop joints once?

Yeah man. Did the three D's: drinks, dinner, dancing.

That kind of thing. Anyway, picture this: midnight rolls along and we stroll out onto the deck and there was this gigantic moon that just sort of hung right over the city, lit up the entire sky.

And there was this gentle breeze that kept lifting her hair. It was perfect.

This is perfect.

This is perfect.

And let me guess? She gave you the old blow job right then and there on the deck?

No, man. It wasn't about that.

It was just a moment. You know? A perfect moment.

Everything about the evening, everything around us was perfect. I knew it.

She knew it. And at that moment, just for one moment, I thought I loved her.

Did you tell her this?

Nah. Nah. Nah. I didn't tell her.

Why not? I couldn't.

Because the moment passed as quickly as it came and I realized I don't love the girl. I love the moment.

See for me, it was always about the moment.

Well, until I met Anna.

Do you not have perfect moments with Anna?

Nah. See with Anna, I never even thought about perfect moments.

Never even tried to look for 'em.

Then I got to thinking about that and I realized that every moment I had with Anna was perfect because I loved her and I realized that love is the perfect moment that never ends.

So why aren't you with her now, man?

Ah, she's in, she's in, she's in New York and I moved to LA.

Yeah, but your perfect moment--it's out there.

It's waiting on you, kid.

Yeah.

Good cop, bad cop.

Who's the good cop?

You are, kid.

What's up?

Yeah. You.

Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, you are one sexy biznitch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, is everything okay here?

Yeah, just talking to the lady, yo.

Is this guy bothering you?

Hey! Don't make me get rough with you, buddy.

Listen, mother fucker. If I have to--

I get it.

Good cop. Bad cop.

Oh. Wha--

Thank you.

Yeah, I will see you at home.

Wow. I am so embarrassed.

And I'm Kat.

I don't know. I just feel really comfortable around you, like already. Like I could just tell you anything.

So I'm just going to come right out with it.

I sort of went through this experimental phase.

What? Like a drug thing?

No, like a sex thing.

Oh, like you had a lot of sex?

Uh, mostly submissive masochistic stuff.

You know, like spankings, whippings, little bondage.

It was, it was just this really crazy phase that I went through not that long ago.

Oh God. Is this too much for you? I'm sorry, I always do this. I always reveal too much too soon.

No. No. No. No. I totally get it.

It's like, how much are you willing to reveal?

And how soon do you finally reveal yourself?

Like how long do you have to play the part of the person And when do you finally settle into playing the part of the person who you really are.

I like that.

No.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna ride you.

Can I just say something?

No.

Uh, I like you.

I mean, I don't want you to think I'm like psycho or anything, but I can tell that there's something here.

You know? And of course I wanna do what I think we're gonna do, but... if we do do it--

Quit talking.

Okay. If we do do it.

Will there even be a date number two?

I don't know. Do we call this date number one?

I don't know what do you think?

I mean, what do you, what do you think?

Kat?

[light snoring]

[gasps]

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Dean.

Remember?

From last night?

Are you receding?

[gasps]

"Didn't want to wake you up.

Make sure to lock the door when you leave. Kat."

♪ Mathclub "Brand New" ♪

♪♪


♪♪ No. No. No.

Fucking no.

What? What's wrong?

It's just that Jake seems self-indulgent and I'm not buying his new relationship Really? Because I feel like it's going--

Why not have Jake take his own life?

Excuse me?

Yeah!

Have him blow is brains out.

Yeah, or jump off a tall building.

I've got it. Suicide, man!

I love it. never really ever does ever fall in love.

Instead his journey is to come to terms with his wretched inescapable loneliness which in turn leads to his suicide, transforming him into a classically tragic figure.

[clapping] What do you think about that?

What do you think about this?

Don't take it personally that your writing's shit.

I thought the beginning was all right.

Fuck you.

You sure you're ready to do this?

I've been ready for two weeks.

We've only been dating for three.

I know. I know and trust me, I, I want to do it so badly, but everything will change, you know?

It's just that-- It's sex, Dean.

We're adults.

Look, I like you and I want to be with you.

I don't see why things should change.

You like me?

Yeah. I do.

Well, then I think we should probably wait.

You know, fine. Whatever.

You ruined the moment anyways.

Up to this point, she's in the moment and I am definitely in the moment.

You know, this is Romeo and Juliet.

That's pretty challenging material, so I am prepared for the worst.

Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after.

I will kiss thy lips.

Haply some poison yet doth hang on them.

And she starts kissing me. But I mean, for like a prolonged period of time.

I mean, like this chick is really enjoying it.

Or maybe she was just trying to get the poison?

Yeah, out of my kidneys, maybe?

I look to the first watchmen and I'm like, telepathically just begging him to say his line.

Lead, boy! Which way?

Which he does, thank God.

Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief.

Except for this chick doesn't know what her last line is.

So we're just sitting there.

In silence.

I realize, fuck, I'm gonna have to tell this girl her next line.

O happy dagger.

Luckily, she figures out what I'm trying to say.

She grabs the dagger and says, O happy dagger!

This is my sheath; there rust, and let me die.

Stabs herself and collapses on top of me. Dead.

Thank God.

I would have, except for while she's on top of me, she suddenly starts reaching fot I mea?

Yeah, she's like giving me the covert rub and tug and I'm like please end this fucking play.

But as it continues, I hear the audience start to laugh.

I'm like, what the fuck are they laughing at?

[laughter, applause]

♪♪

[inaudible laughter]

♪♪

Why don't you tell them the one about the Indian girl?

What?

Come on. The alley. The rooftop. The hard candy.

You remember? Or what about the post office story?

You know, the time you got the two stamps from that girl you banged or what about the twins that you hooked up What? I'm just saying. What's the big deal?

So you got a blow job from some indian chick.

Okay, you know what? Excuse me.

What the fuck is your problem?

Wait a minute. Wait. Wait, now who got a blow job?

Tess, would you wait a second?

Why, Dean? What the hell was that back there?

I don't know. I just-- You just what?

Do you have nothing to say to me?

Nothing?

[keyboard typing]

[♪ sultry music ♪]

Whatcha working on?

Uh, just tossing around a new idea.

Feel like tossing me around?

Yeah, yeah you do. [purrs]

Okay, so now that you've met all three of your potential grooms, it's time to make the biggest decision of your life.

So will it be groom one?

The former Olympian.

Or will it be groom two? The multi-millionaire.

Or will it be groom three. The self proclaimed geek with thinning hair.

Well, I've given it some actual thought and I would like to spend the rest of my life with groom number three.

[audience gasps]

No way! Holy shit!

Why'd she pick the dork?

Guy's a fucking toolbox.

These, ah, these parts, is... where's this thing?

Ah, these talks with the subway conductor were, I found-- Weird, I know.

Inspired, I thought.

This is good stuff.

Stuff with the hair and the business with the roommates is funny.

I think you have a good solid understanding of the craft.

You got a style. A voice. I like that.

It's a voice I'm interested in.

It's a voice that almost rings true.

What do you mean?

Well, this is supposed to be a story about a guy who falls in love, right?

Jiminy crickets! If I'm gonna drop my twelve bucks on a ticket, I should get, I mean, I deserve to at least see him fall in love, no?

Well, uh, yeah, it's--you do. It's in there.

Oh, I must have missed that.

It's--yeah, it's subtle.

Why don't you point it out for me?

Give me a call when you find it, kid.

Fuck!

[intercom] Next stop: Union Station.

Look, I love her, Pete. I do.

But she's making you miserable, my friend.

I know.

Maybe it's time for someone new.

Yeah, I hear ya.

Hey. We should have a party this weekend.

Last party in The Cave.

Huh? Come on, man. What do you say?

And do I invite Beth?

Invite Beth. By all means, invite Beth.

Have a good time with her if possible, but just do me a favor, okay?

Take a look around and see if anything sparks your interest, you know?

Hey.

Hey I can't quite exactly tell you what I was thinking and I know you think I sold you out and I'm not worth a shit. And you know what?

You're probably right in thinking that.

I just came here to let you know that I know I was wrong and I'm sorry.

I really am.

And I guess that's all I had to say.

You up for a party?

One last hurrah in The Cave?

♪ Chris Reeder "Taking Over" ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hug me.

What's wrong?

I look like hell.

Hey, beauty. Hi.

You know anybody here?

Nope.

Wanna dance?

Yes, please.

♪♪

Baby.

Baby.

You guys look so great together.

Thank you. Um, almost two years.

It's so weird how quickly it all goes by. Right baby?

So weird. Yeah. Yeah.

Flies by.

I'm sorry. I always do this.

You know my, my therapist, she says that, uh... large social gatherings bring out my insecurities or something crazy like that.

Oh, you're in therapy?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Oh no. I just had no idea you were in therapy.

Can you stop saying it like that?

Like what?

Like all judgey?

Who's judgey? I'm not judgey.

You totally are. I can see it in your eyes.

No, I'm not.

You are!

Maybe you should get some therapy to deal with your insecurity about being in therapy?

Hmm, maybe you should fuck yourself.

Excuse me?

Baby, I'm sorry. That, oh, that wasn't me.

I'm so sorry. Come here, please. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's fine.

What was that?

Just a pill.

♪♪

[inaudible dialogue]

♪♪ For our anniversary, we were thinking Cabo or maybe Hawaii.

It really doesn't matter as long as it's tropical.

And he can golf.

Love golf.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Where are you going?

Uh, I was just going to let you rest.

But I don't need rest. and we can start the whole night over. Okay?

We'll do anything you want.

Can we leave?

Sure.

What? Oh my God! That's so wonderful!

Isn't that great, baby?

Congratulations.

Shit.

Beth! Beth!

Andre!

Anna?

Who's this?

Uh, his girl.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Anna. His girl.

Anna! Anna! Wait!

Shit, wait!

[speaking Spanish]

[♪ Neon Parade "Boys Will B Boyz" ♪]

♪♪

♪♪ Hey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm gonna go grab a drink. Okay?

And when I get back, just...

Okay?

♪♪

[♪ Golden State "Take Me Out" ♪]

[whispers] I'm sorry.

♪♪


♪♪

[♪ song fades out ♪]

E.

[♪ dance music ♪]

I gotta go.

Yeah, so do I.

Hey, you ready?

Are you?

Yeah, let's roll.

All right.

Huh. Where're they going?

I don't know where they're going.

Let's go.

♪♪

♪♪

Let's go. Come on.

[clears throat] Uh...

Did I, uh, did I ever tell you about the time in college when I was with twins?

You know, I mean, it was weird because, I mean, one of them had these just really beautiful tits and you know, the other, she was flat as a pancake.

Which made me wonder, I mean, were they identical or fraternal twins because I mean, yeah, sure they had very similar faces, but their breasts were completely different sizes.

[clears throat]

Thanks, Jay.

Go get him.

I'm an idiot.

♪♪

[car engine starts]

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, no. I'm fine.

[muffled dance music]

Anna, wait.

Anna! Anna! Anna! Wait wait wait.

Andre, stop. I don't want to hear it, okay?

Just listen for one second. Stop.

Anna.

LAX, please. Anna, don't.

Don't do this.

[car engine starts]

LAX?

Hi.

[talk radio playing in cab]

Beth.

Let go.

Please just stop.

You are hurting me.

[splashing]

Oh my!

[splashing, Beth laughs]

Here!

[Beth yells, splashing]

[laughing] Oh my God!

Dean.

Yeah?

I love you.

[intercom] Next stop: Union Station You hear that voice, Dean?

What voice?

The voice in your head.

You mean you?

Exactly and what am I telling you to do?

[♪ Names of Stars "Are You" ♪]

♪♪


♪♪

[Jay and woman giggle behind curtain]

Hey, guys?

[giggling continues]

Tess, I need to speak with you.

[giggling, moaning]

Shit.

No. Stop.

Dude.

Hey, I need to speak with Tess for a second.

That's great. Not here.

She's not?

Is he joining us?

Oh, thank God.

It frightens him.

♪♪

♪♪ Hi.

So.

So.

So I take it things didn't go so hot for you and Jay?

Looks that way.

How about you and Kat?

Oh, you know. She told me she loved me.

And what'd you say?

I said thanks.

Thanks?

Thanks.

No thanks.

Yeah, I don't know. She just wasn't the one.

Too many issues, you know?

You or her?

What? I don't have issues.

Are you on crack?

Not at the moment.

First of all, you're self-abusive.

What? Like in what way?

Like in the way you love being miserable.

I don't think that's accurate.

Okay. You know, just keep living in your fantasy world, Dean.

As if you don't have issues?

Miss look for the signs? Ooh, God. Look! The signs!

They're there.

I never said I didn't.

So you don't deny it?

No. I don't deny it.

So you're saying you have issues?

Have I told you how much I hate you?

You don't hate me.

No, really. I do.

You really hate me?

No, Dean.

I don't hate you.

Taxi!

That's my ride.

Okay. Goodnight then.

And well played.

[♪ romantic music ♪]

Hey! Are those fresh?

Go get her, you idiot.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪ No no no no.

Dammit.

Fuck.

[tires screeching]

♪♪

♪♪ What is this asshole doing?

What are you talking about?

♪♪ Um, I'm gonna. I wanna get out here, okay?

Here you go. Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪ Here. For dealing with my crap.

I'll take 'em.

I love you so much.

♪♪

[song fades out]

True story?

Just a story.

Ice cream!

[wrestling, indistinct dialogue]

What the fuck are you gonna do?

I will fucking hump you right now.

[laughs] Oh my God!

You think Jay is gonna be okay?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have to warn you.

I kinda went through an experimental phase.

No way. Me too.

Yeah, he'll be fine.

All right. Got everything?

Yeah. Definitely.

♪♪

♪♪

[keyboard typing]

♪♪

♪♪

[♪ Name of Stars "This Place" ♪]

♪♪


♪♪

Yeah, you know, here's the thing about masturbation.

It is like a cookie, because at first you like it, then you regret it, and kind of get a little farty.

Seriously? We're still filming this?

[Dean and Tess singing] Kie kissing my bro.

- Cause he is dead! - And he is dead!

Woo! [blows raspberry]

Yep. It's that time.

Oh!

Really?

She's making you miserable, my friend.

I know.

[laughs]

Guys, Kenny is schvitzing like a "schvintagoyd" over here.

I'll do the crotch adjustment this time, sir.

[crew] I don't know if we'llt unless you really--

Oh, you'll see it.

[laughs]

Oh! Ow!

First of all, I just clocked you. Are you okay?

I'm fine. Okay.

[laughs]

Ah! I'm so close! I want a big one!

I want a really big one! Don't look at anything!

Don't--say something! Say something!

Don't say anything! Don't say anything!

Oh, where's the light. I see the light!

The tingles are coming!

Feel free to use that in your script, son.

Who wants a drink? Sweetheart, oh God, you look lonely.

Cut!

[laughter]

Guess what no is in spanish?

What?

No!

[indistinct dialogue]

Don't say anything! Don't say anything!

Stop moving your head! Stop it! Okay!

[car door slams]

Vroom! Vroom!

He won! Uh huh.

Look at the guy that won!

[creaking, screaming]

Cut!

Okay!

[laughing]

Action!

You're...

What's the first line?

[laughing]

Move over. Well, I just...

We could still like do other stuff.

No, no! There's --

And, cut!

[laughs]

Fuck you, Stan! It's like [indistinct] [trails off]

[laughs]

[singing] Do do do do do do...

Cut!

Please make me stop.

Get out of it! Get out of it!

Roll off!

What?

Roll it off.

Oh, oh. [screams]

[exhales loudly]

Jesus.

And that's a wrap!

Cut.

[laughs]

♪♪


[song ends]