Celtic Pride (1996) Script

Man: [Whistles] Listen up!

Kevin, you are playing the number 5 position.

It means you set the back pick on the box on the weak side for tom!

Carrie, you're going to catch the ball at the foul line, and then you're going to pivot.

You're going to pivot into the triple-threat position, bounce pass it to tom at the top of the key.

Then you go back door, OK?

You are going to go back door towards the basket for the lay-up.

Are their any questions?


All: Can we go on the trampoline, Mr. O'Hara?


No flips on the trampoline.

You have your friend Billy Williams to thank for that.

He had to sue the school after hurting his neck, ruining it for everyone.


Are you all right, Mr. O'Hara?

You look worried.

[Chuckles] Well, Josh, I am a little worried.

My celtics are playing a very important basketball game tonight.

I really want them to win.

It's like you say, the most important thing is that they try their hardest and they have fun.



The most important thing...

Is that they win.

I mean, we're not talking about, uh, kickball here, where there's absolutely nothing at stake.

We're talking about the national basketball association.

They have to win.

You understand?

They're tearing down the Boston garden at the end of this season, so this is their last chance at glory.

They will not lose, because I won't let them lose!

Do you understand? [Sniffle]


Don't cry.

Don't... don't cry. I was...

I was just being silly.

[Chuckles] Why don't you go jump on the trampoline, OK?

You'll feel better.

Go on. You don't even have to stand in line.

Hey! Hey! Josh doesn't have to stand in line, everybody.

Hi, Mike.

Hey, Carol.

Hey. What's up?

Got a minute? Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry I've been acting like such a jerk, OK?

We are right in the middle of the nba finals, and you know that I tend to get a little bit crazy...

I know, but I've been hearing that for 15 years.

In the mid-eighties, when the celtics won the championship, you were a joy to be with.


But I can't stand seeing you in a good mood when they win and a bad mood when they lose.

I won't let the celtics run my life.

Well, how do you think I feel?


These are divorce papers.

I still have them from the last time we split up.

You saved them?


And the only reason I haven't signed them is because I feel bad for you.

I spoke with my therapist about this, and I know that part of this obsession comes from the fact that you never made it as a basketball player.

Your dream died, and now you're living through the celtics.

It is time to move on.

It's time to get a new dream.

My dream is dead.


Squashed like a squirrel on the side of the highway.

Thank you for the update, honey.

Screw you.

I'm just trying to be nice, but you are hopeless.

Well, I know I'm hopeless, because my dream is dead!

Hey, kids!

[Whistles] Listen up!

My dream is dead! OK?

You are sick.

Oh yeah, I know I'm sick.

I am sick and tired of you and your therapist taking something pure and twisting it around!

I love the celtics!

OK?! I said it!

I am not ashamed of it!

I love the celtics!


[School bell rings]

I am not a hero.

A hero fights against injustice.

A hero sacrifices for the good of man.

He unites, uplifts, and inspires.

I'm not a hero.

It's my house.




I don't want to raise your kids.

I don't even like kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really nice there, you douche bag.

Oh, my celts are going to give you the beating of your life tomorrow night.

OK. Bruins.

All right, just one in the net.

One in the net, that's all I'm asking.

Neely! Come on, man!


No, no, no, no, no!

Everybody just stay calm.

Everybody just stay calm.

Let them do what they do.

Hey, let the other goalie... look, that net was wide open!

Come on!

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Uh... Uh, just taking a little breakski.

Uh, kind of watching the game here.

Are you saying my toilet still isn't fixed?

Oh, you got to go? Oh...

Can you hold it for just, like, 5 more minutes?

Because I know neely's going to pull it out.

Fix my toilet.


Yeah. OK.



Grandma? Hey, it's Jimmy.

Listen, are you watching the bruins game?

Yes, dear.

Well, can you take your phone, put it by the TV, and turn it up for me?

No problem.


Hold on a second.

Dad, what happened?

[Sighs] Tommy, there was a time in this country...

When sports were revered.

Now people today...

Their values are all out of whack.

By the way, your mom and I are getting divorced.

I'll see you, Tommy.

Bye, dad.

[Tires screech]

See you, dad.

♪ Ah, hennessy Tennessee tootles his flute ♪

♪ And the music is something grand ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Ireland and McNamara's band ♪ Hi, darling. Hi.

Well, tomorrow's going to be the greatest day of my life, because in less than 24 hours, we will be celebrating the first Boston celtics championship of the nineties.


You excited?


You only finished one order of ribs.

What's going on with you anyway?

Carol and I split up again.


Yes. What are you smiling about?

Well, last time you had a major break up, the celtics won the championship.

Don't think that thought didn't cross my mind.

Mm-hmm. [Laughs]

Good evening, sir.


Kevin. Shouldn't you be...

Planting evidence on somebody just about this time of night?

[Groans] I already did that.

The celtics are going to blow out Utah tomorrow.

I hope so.

Scott's been taking about 50 shots a game.

If he gets hot, we are in trouble.

Oh, if he gets hot, we're in trouble.

I mean, big guy thinks that

3 weeks of college ball, and he's an expert.

Uh, wait a minute now. Let me remind you that this gentleman led the city of Boston in rebounds and assists in his senior year of high school.

While you, on the other hand, were brutally defeated in the first round of the 1973 state wrestling tournament by a blind guy from Cambridge.

I wouldn't say brutally.

Besides, I held back. I didn't want to hurt the poor kid.

He pinned you in 8.2 seconds.

I mean, where do you store all this... this memory?

I... I mean, how... how do you...

I mean, it's more like 12 seconds anyway.

Hey, mark...

Turn on the tube here, will you?

Help me out.

TV: On Tuesday night... here we go.

As the celtics defeated the Utah jazz 106 to 94.

To make matters worse, Scott was fined $10,000...

10,000 bucks?

10 gs. Jeez, what's that to him?

The guy's got money he ain't even looked at yet.

TV: Had this to say about Tuesday's game.

Scott: I'm sorry. OK? I'm sorry.

I guess I've been having back problems from carrying this sorry excuse for a team all season long.

Oh, Jesus. Talk about your textbook a-hole.

Oh, man. Blaming the team, right?

TV: Lewis Scott has gone awol.

Suddenly, Dennis rodman doesn't seem so bad.

Jimmy: Here we go, celtics!

Crowd: Here we go!

Here we go, celtics!

Here we go!

Here we go, celtics!

Hey, ed! Ed!

Cindy! Cindy!

Hey! All right!

Crowd: Here we go, celtics! Here we go!

Here we go.

Hey, tom! Tim!

Here we go! Here we go!

How are you doing, Mr. Tanner?

Spent the entire morning on the bowl.

Oh! That's always a good sign.


Just the way you like it, Jimmy.

I even toasted the bun.

Well, how'd you do that? There's no toaster here.

I used my curling iron.

Oh, thanks, Suzy.

It's on the house, Jimmy.

Oh, it's on the house, Jimmy!

Suzy, the hot-dog girl!

Hey! Beer!

Announcer: The Utah jazz!

[Crowd boos]

Shall we begin?

Indeed, sir.


Go home, jazz!

It's over!

Jazz music sucks and so do you!

You suck.

Why don't you go back to Utah and get yourself a few more wives?!

Hey, if Lewis Scott ever let's you take a shot, you'd probably wet your frigging pants!

Hey! Why don't you go join the mormon tabernacle choir, you Donny and Marie loving freaks?!

You are in beantown now, baby!



I hate fans.

Hey, Scott!

I hear manute bol is banging your mom!

Manute bol...

Your mom.

Oh, that's witty, whitey.

You guys suck so bad that nike should take your shoes away!


How'd I do?

Good with the shoes.

Yeah, I thought of that one last night.

Wait a minute. This is an even game, isn't it?

It's an even game. God.

Even game.

Ohh, that was close.


All right. Here we go.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Marv Albert, along with bill walton, here at the Boston garden, Boston, Massachusetts, getting ready for game 6 of the nba world championship, in what could be the final game here on the parquet at the Boston garden before it is torn down.

All right, gentlemen. Ha.

This is it.

Let's just play the game that got us here, all right?

We're going to pass that ball around. Keep it moving.

We're going to bang the boards.

We're going to grab some big fat defense.

That's all we need to do.

Oh, one other thing.

Here we go.

Keep feeding me the rock.

Thanks for the pep talk, asshole.

Jazz players: Come on, let's do this. Let's go!

Jazz player: On 3.

All: 1, 2, 3. Jazz!


Hey, coach kimball!

You better do what Lewis Scott says, 'cause he owns your ass!

Why don't you shut up?!

Why don't you learn to coach?!

Come on, buddy!

I'm not sitting down! You come and get me!

He's not worth it! He's not worth it!

Let's go!

OK. Here we go.

[Blows whistle]

Good luck, guys.

All right! Work it down now!

There we go!

Hustle back on "d" now! Let's go! Let's go!

Crowd: Defense! Defense!

[Imitates whistle] Charge!

That's it! Way to go, celts!

Steal! Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo!

Let's go!

Watch it, ref! Watch it!

Hey! Hey!

Back on "d!"

Sorry, chief.

Hey, ref! Take the whistle out of your ass and blow it!

That was a foul!

No way.

Good call! No blood, no foul!

Oh, quit your whining and take your midol, Scott!

Spread the court! Number 3!

Number 3!


[Crowd cheers]

Hey, Lewis, why don't you try passing the ball?

Man, worry about your own game, bitch.

Lewis, I think he's right.


What a dick! What a dick!


What do you want, punk?

Crowd: Utah sucks!

Utah sucks!

Utah sucks!

Utah sucks!

Utah sucks!

Utah sucks!

[Horn sounds]


A new celtics dynasty is about to begin.

They're going to do it. They're actually going to do it.

Oh, it is going to feel so good to deny Lewis Scott the championship.

That's right. He never won it, and he never will.

Chris McCarthy!

Where the hell have you been?

How you doing? I got married. I moved to New York.

I haven't seen you since the '86 series when Buckner had that little mishap at first base.

Ha! Not my fault. Come on.

What are you doing back here?

I just got... I came in for the game.

I got this ticket. 300 bucks from a scalper, but it's right up here. It's a good seat.

Well, your hard-core.

I'm hard-core? Hey, it's good to see you.

Good to see you.

Hey, you guys want to go to Doyle's?

Yeah, maybe we'll get together later.

I'll see you at Doyle's later, Mike?

Yeah. OK.

That Chris McCarthy...

Are you still dwelling on that Buckner thing?

Yeah. Chris McCarthy?!

Hey, fellas.

Hey. [Laughs]

Announcer: The third period starts in 2 minutes.

[Horn sounds]

Come on, Danny! Come on!

All right! Here we go!

24 minutes: We have it!

Mike: In his face, baby! In his face!

There we go! All right!

You can't stop me.

[Crowd boos]

Come on!

Good thing they're tearing this place down, 'cause I'm wrecking your house.



I'm on fire.


Time out, ref. Time out.

What just happened?

They were on fire, then something changed.


What changed since the first half?

Hey, guys.

I think you should go, Chris.

What are you talking about?

The celtics were up by 18 at the half.

Now they're only up by 2.

So what?

You know what we're talking about.

You're the bad luck guy.

Oh, no.

You're not going to lay this one on me.

No, no, no, seriously now. We'll see you tomorrow.

You better get going. I mean it!

Get out of here! Now!

Uh-uh. Nope. Not going.

[Whistle blows]

Give it.

Are you happy now? Go!

Hit the road, pally!

I paid 300 bucks for this ticket!

300 bucks!

That's a frigging car payment! $300!

Jimmy: The nerve of that guy.

Yeah, you're telling me.

All right, it's over! He's gone now!

The virus has been destroyed!

Bing. Gotcha.

Maybe your lucky seat is my lucky seat for the second half because the celtics are shooting at the other basket.

So by sitting in this seat I'm actually helping the jazz?

Well, it sure looks that way. Switch.

Celtic player: Come on, set up.

Maybe you two should switch.

The celts are getting killed out there, Mikey.

Well, if they just work it down to the post, we could be back in this thing!

Kiss my ass, Boston!


Switch! Switch!

Mike: Switch! Switch!

Everybody, this is not working!

It was a bad idea!

Back to your seats!

Back to your seats! Now!


Get on Scott!


No! Oh!

[Horn sounds]

[Jazz players cheering]

They didn't use enough time.

Why didn't they listen to me?

Or can it be?

[Eastern-European accent] Hey, Lewis, I'm going to Disneyland!


I can't believe it's going 7 games.

Well, it could be worse.

I mean, it's not like we're boat people...


Out in the middle of the Bermuda triangle on some leaky raft dying of thirst with our whole family, searching for freedom.


I wish I was a boat person!

Their team didn't lose!

They're happy! They're out on a boat!

They're in the sun.

Maybe I shouldn't.

I'm starting to see double.

[Both laugh]

[Telephone rings]

Flaherty plumbing.

Hey, Jim.

Hey, it's Patty and Timmy.

You won't believe who's in here.

Lewis Scott.

What? You're pulling my chain.

Yeah. Can you believe him?

He just left us a $100 tip, and he's dancing. What an asshole.



That was Timmy and Patty.

They're bar keeping at the roxy tonight.

Guess who just walked in.


Lewis Scott.

He says he's dancing, Mike.

He's dancing.

I mean, he's throwing it in our face.

The nerve of that guy.

You're telling me.

[ Play that funky music playing]

I can't believe I'm wearing Jack Nicholas' jacket.

Yeah, the golden bear.

I took that when he won his first masters.

Don't get any cranberry on it.

I won't.

You sure he's here, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Timmy and Patty swear on their mother's eyes.

[Patty whistles]

Mike: There he is.

What a dick. What a dick.

Come on.

Man, this is stupid. What are we doing here?

I just want to look him in the eye, that's all.

Cover me, I'm going in.

Cover you?

Got you covered. Oh, boy.

♪ And the were dancin' and singin' ♪

♪ And movin' to the groovin' ♪

♪ And just when it hit me ♪

♪ Somebody turned around and shouted ♪

♪ Play that funky music, white boy ♪

♪ Play that funky music right... ♪

[maniacal laugh]

♪ Play that funky music, white boy... ♪ So?

I've looked into the face of the devil, and I feel stronger for it.

Good. I'm proud of you.

I can't believe this guy is trying to take my championship away from me.

Money for nothing and chicks for free, right?

[Sighs] Something's got to be done.

There's nothing to do.

What if we went over there and, like, you know, got him messed up.

Like, you know, completely wrecked so he was too hungover to play well on Sunday?

We could do that.

And nobody could do it better than us.

He'd be wasted for a week.


So let's do it.

Are you serious?

You really want to do it?

'Cause I... I will do it.

Let's mess him up.

Jimmy: I'm one of his biggest fans.

These guys love to hear that.

Hey! Lewis Scott!

I'm your biggest fan. How are you?

Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

I s-saw you at the game tonight.

Oh, you played a hell of a game. Shot the light's out.

[Laughs] Yeah, I guess I did.

Yo, you're the dude off the dance floor... hey, Scott!

You son of a bitch!

The celtics are going to hand you your ass on Sunday!

Your whole team hates you and so do I!

Really? Well, look at this here.

She loves me. So does my banker.

So why don't you go somewhere and vomit so you can feel better about yourself.

You're nothing but a selfish ball hog... hey, moron!

Hey! The reason...

Why he is a selfish ball hog...

Is because...

He is the greatest player in the nba.

Get out of here.

I am going to beat your ass if you don't get out of here, just the way that...

Utah's going to beat the celtics. Ha ha.

Hey, where are you from?!

I'm from charlestown. Get out of here!

What's the matter with you?!

Are you a traitor, huh?!

That son of a...

Hey, my man. I think I'm going to throw up.

I appreciate that, man.

It takes a lot of courage to speak the truth in this town.


He wouldn't have said anything if he didn't mean it.

That's right.

You're the greatest. Oh-ho!

Well, you guys are obviously well-educated fans.

Well, we want to buy you a drink.

No, no, no, no.

Lewis Scott is going to buy you two a drink.

All right! Is Lewis Scott here?

I'll have another beer, and my new friends here is going to have... a scotch soda. Schnapps.

Schnapps and scotch and make mine a vodka.

All right.

It's a good party.

Oh, it's great here.

Here you go.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, Lewis, good game tonight.

Hey, what's up, old-timer?

I wish you was out there.

I'd took you to school.

You must love living in that fantasy world.


[Laughs] What are you up to, man?

Just out having some dinner with my friends.

Oh, really? Um, this is, uh...

I'm, uh, I'm Larry bird.

How are you?

I mean mark... Mike. Mike O'Hara.

And, uh...

Uh, j-Jimmy Flaherty.

Yeah, they're an endangered species in this town.

2 white, Irish guys who hate the celtics.

Ain't that right, guys?


No. We love... we love the celtics when you were playing with them.

You were the... that was the... the master.

When you were... but, uh...

You were... I guess...

I guess lately the celtics... the leprechauns have left the building.

Fans like you make me sick.

You love us when we're winning, and you hate us when we're losing.

It's pathetic.

You guys should learn a little something about loyalty.

Fans like these, you can have them.

Who needs his lanky ass anyway?



He was overrated as a player, I guess.

Yeah, he... he w-wasn't really that great.

Yeah, he sucked.

He s-sucked.

Where are our drinks?!

Right away. Oh...

We were at the game when Seaton hall beat Boston college.

Get outta here. Yep. We were there.

Remember, you pulled a triple-double, 42 points, 20 rebounds, 11 assists?

What a game!

It was a bad day for me. You kicked our ass!

That's Lewis Scott the ass-kicker.

Hey, I still got the ticket stubs from that game in my wallet.

Here you go.

Here's to you. Oh, boy!

Oh! There you go!


Keep 'em coming!

There you go.

♪ You down with o-p-p? ♪

♪ You down with o-p-p? ♪

♪ You down with o-p-p? ♪

♪ You down with o-p-p? ♪ I'm outta here!

Let's play drink the drink.

First drink I'm gonna make is called "Lewis Scott."

Lewis Scott.

This is called "Jimmy's dick."

All right? Short...


But it fills again.


This one's called...

"The Boston Celtic"... it's weak 'cause it's white.

Man, sarcastically: Oh, that's funny.

The ladies always... The added touch...

[Slurping] That's it.

Drink it all up.




Night's not over.

I know this little after-hours bar we can take you to.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I couldn't. I couldn't.

I gotta go to practice in the morning.

Well, I'd love to stay and throw up, but I gotta beat these sons of bitches.

You hear that, Boston!

I'm gonna kick your ass!


He can't hold his liquor.

Let's get him a cab. Yeah.


[Echoing] I'm not a hero.

I'm a plumber.

If your septic tank is backin' up, your hot water heater takes a leak...


Your airco don't work, well, call me, because I am not a hero.

I am a plumber.



Aah! Oh!




Aah! Get... get... oh, God!


Lewis Scott's in the bed!

How did he get there?

I don't know! I must have been so wasted I blacked out!

What happened last night?!

He must have done this when he passed out.

You kidnapped him.

I did not kidnap anybody!

Well, the shooting guard for the Utah jazz is duct taped in my bed, and I don't think he did it himself.

I thought you just wanted to look him in the eye?!

Oh, I'm never gonna drink hard liquor again... only beer, wine, and creme de menthe.

Look, we gotta get him outta here.

I agree. OK.

But first we have to do something.

Oh, look at that.

We've gotta put a hat on or something.

No! We gotta go!

Put on a Celtic's hat on the guy.

All right. All right.

You call his room again?

I called 5 minutes ago, coach. He's not there.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Wait 5 minutes, OK? And then call again!

Oh, man... we should get going.

Oh, when the boys see this.

Seventh game of the finals and he ditches practice.

Grant hill wouldn't have done this.

Grant hill would have gone to church, and he'd come to practice early.

I'm stuck with Lewis Scott.

Oh, watch... watch his neck.


We don't need Scott.

You need to bench him to teach him a lesson.

Hey, that's what I'll do.

I'll bench him... bench my high-scorer.

The fans won't mind. No.

They won't want me too dead.

OK, we just gotta get him outside.

Then he can go wherever the hell he wants to go.

Jesus. Oh, no! He's comin' to!

Just relax and enjoy the ride.

Frere Jacques, frere Jacques Both: ♪ dormez-vous?

Dormez-vous? ♪ Scott: Let go of me!

Sonnez les matinee

Sonnez les matinee

Ding, dang, dong Hey, you're the 2 guys from the club!

Oh, no!

Don't worry. He doesn't even know our names.

Yeah, it's Jimmy Flaherty and Mike O'Hara.


Jimmy! Where are you going?!

OK, don't make me hurt you, now.


You better untie me right now!

All right, that's it!

You want some of this, huh?!

Aah! Oh!


Oh! Aah!

Hold it right there, ball hog!

Gun! Gun! Gun! Gun! Gun! Gun! Gun! Gun!

Smile for the barrel.

All right.

Get upstairs now!

Watch yourself.

Get upstairs!

Yo, coach, I'll play.

Just give me a chance.

I can handle that rock.

I'll call you if I need you, lurch.

Don't dog me, coach.

I've got the bad crap.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You take the bad crap and this basketball and do the drills!


Bad crap. I'll call again.

Good idea.

I didn't know you even had a gun.

Oh, yeah.

It's a Russian toz 35 free pistol.

Ragnar skanäker won the gold in the '72 Olympics with it.

I traded a pair of gordie howe skates for it.

What is this, man?

I thought you two were Utah fans.

Yeah, right.

Then what is it? Racism?

Is this backlash from the oj Simpson verdict?

What?! This has nothing to do with racism.

If the sox were in a pennant race with the orioles, we'd tie up Cal ripken Jr.

He's as white as they come.

Well, why don't you go get his white ass?

Look, we just need a little time to figure this out.

Why don't you go get us some coffee, some food, OK?

Let me figure this thing through.

Yeah, OK.

I'll get us some bananas, some pancake mix, make some banana pancakes. OK.

Some egg, sausages, bacon, make a Spanish omelette. Whatever.

Oh, let's see. We can go Italian.

We could go Chinese, Greek...

I got a great Dutch place...

Jimmy, we're not having a party!

Just get some coffee, some food!

Well, we want to make it nice for him.

I'll get it myself, OK?

Who are you, man?

Some bitter ex-high-school player who never really made it?

You sit around watchin' sports criticizing professional athletes

'cause you wish it was you out there?

You are so far off...

It's sad.

Watch his ass!

You let him talk to you like that in front of people?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?!

He's so condescending.

[Mimicking] Watch his ass!



Hold it right there! You're under arrest!

Hey, kev.

Hey, Mike. What's up?

Ha ha.

Scared you, didn't I?

Hey, what's new, man?

New? Yeah.

Officer! I'm the guy who had his car stolen!

Yeah, I understand. Do me a favor... stand over by where your car used to be, and I'll be right with you.

Are you serious?

Big game tomorrow, huh?

Kevin: Yeah. Celtics have got to win.

They've gotta win.

You know what? I wanted to ask you something.

I'm sure you guys have a lot to chat about, what about my fucking car, man?!

That Porsche was 2 months old!

We do the best we can, sir.

I truly am sorry.

I realize without that nice car you have absolutely no chance of getting laid.

That's a real tragedy.

Now, step back!

I'll be with you in a moment.

He talks to you like you're his little bitch or something.

Bitch? Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back with a pair of pumps, some hot pants, and a little satin tube top for you.

You know, I was thinking.


Lewis Scott is killin' us.

I hate that guy.

You know what somebody should do?

Somebody should grab Lewis Scott, tie him up... yeah.

And hold him until after we finish that game tomorrow.

You know what? I'm in.

And I'm crazy enough to do it.

I'd do it. I would.

You know, my teammates are gonna come lookin' for me.


It's so unusual you're not at practice?

You're in big trouble for messin' with Lewis Scott. You know that, right?

Look, j-j-just shut up, OK?

Jimmy's in control now.

See, I can talk in the third person, too.

Jimmy Flaherty wants Lewis Scott to just shut his trap.

'Cause Jimmy Flaherty is just so tired of Lewis Scott's in-your-head, mental telepathy bullshit.

Yeah, well, Jimmy wouldn't talk to Lewis Scott like that if he didn't have a gun, 'cause Lewis Scott would pulverize his big, fat, frumpy ass.

But Jimmy Flaherty does have a gun, doesn't he?

Oh! Wait... hey! Come on.

You don't wanna play with Flaherty now.

He's crazy.


Well, I'm about to snatch your asshole out and use it as a peephole.

Sit down! Please!

Please, Lewis, aw, don't make me shoot you, man!

You're not gonna shoot me, Jimmy.

You don't have the berries.

I do have the berries!

If you don't sit down I'm gonna... shit!

Man, are you crazy?!

That could've been my head!

I wish it was!

That was my 1986 bill Buckner ball.

[Sirens approaching]

Say somebody grabbed him yesterday and they let go of him today.

No, kidnapping is kidnapping.

It doesn't matter if it's one day or 3 days or whatever.

I mean, you kidnap a guy, you kidnap a guy, you know what I mean?

I mean, just do it.

So you... you would hold on to him until after the celtics win the championship.

Me as a policeman sworn to uphold the law?

I could never say that.

But as a celtics fan I must reply yes.

No, we're just jokin' around anyway.

I mean, we're not talkin' about a crime here or anything, are we?

No. Of course not.


OK. Give my love to Deb.

All right. See you later. Yeah.

Hey, I got no reason to be concerned, do I, Mike?


Kevin, you're losin' it, man.

Take care of yourself.

Stay out of trouble, all right?


OK, Mr. Germany, where were we?

Scott: What do you collect all this junk for, anyway?

I like it. It's a hobby.

It's pathetic.

All these pictures of other people's achievements, and what have you done? What's your claim to fame?

You think Larry bird has a picture of you on his wall with your hand down a toilet wrangling a turd.

He doesn't even know you exist...

And you met him.

You might as well take that gun and just put it in your mouth and blow your brains out.

Go ahead. I know you thought about it.

Holidays, your birthday, how about new year's when you're sittin' there all alone with your hand down your pants playin' with your knob and everyone else out there havin' fun.

Go ahead, Jimmy. Do it.

Make the pain go away.

Stifle it, Scott!

That's exactly why your so-called friend Mike treats you that way.

'Cause you have no identity of your own.

Listen, he treats me just fine.

Hmm! Took me 2 seconds to figure out who the man in the relationship was.

He wouldn't even let you make the banana pancakes.

I was gonna make 'em, too!

I was in the mood!

Does he make you hold his peenie when he takes a piss, too, Jimmy?


[Remembering] I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back with a pair of pumps, some hot pants, and a little satin tube top... come on! Make us some breakfast!


Hey, listen, I ran into Kevin while I was out there.

Hinted around about our situation.

He says it doesn't matter if we let him go now or later, it's the same thing.

So that got me thinking... oh!

What'd you do that for?!

I am sick and tired of your bullshit!

What the hell has gotten into you?!


Oh, no.

You really shouldn't leave Jimmy all alone, Mike.

You just...

Jimmy, Jimmy, don't listen to him!

Yes, master, I will do whatever you tell me.

Why don't you pick on somebody with your own I.Q.?

How about someone like you?

I'd like to get him in a room.

I'd like to tie him down...

And I would like to beat the livin' snot out of him, because there are some people in this world that... that's all they really understand.

You rationalize with them.

You try to listen to their side of the story, but ultimately, guys, it only comes down to one thing.

Unh! A good beating.

Maybe something happened to him, coach.

Maybe he got hurt.

Yeah, like this is the first time he's pulled this.

Listen to me.

Oh, Mikey, I can't believe I hit you.

He gave me the mogo eye.

It's OK. Listen, I was talkin' to Kevin, OK?

We are definitely in deep trouble.

We're probably goin' to jail, so... what'll we do?

There's no choice. Look. All right, look.

I was thinkin' if we let him go now, our lives are gonna go down in flames and we're gonna have nothing to show for it, right?

But if we hold on to him, keep him till after the game, and the celtics win, well, our lives are gonna go down in flames, but at least we will have contributed to the celtics' victory.

I like this very much.

All our lives we've taken, we've taken, we've taken from the celtics.

Now I think it's time to give something back.

Look, on a team, everybody's got a job to do, right?

Yeah. So this is our job!

Our job is to cover Lewis Scott, and if we can hold onto him, maybe, just maybe, we can win that championship!

Yeah, but it wouldn't be a fair win, now, would it?

There'll always be an asterisk next to it in the record book.

Yeah, but it would have our names next to it.

What kind of loser would want to be an asterisk?

I would very much like to be one.

Let's lead our celtics to victory!

Lurch, just in case, we're gonna run the plays.

All right, so do the best you can.

It's all I'm gonna ask. All right.

Coach, I'll not let my homies down.

Well, your homies are gonna love that. That's great.

Come on! Give me the rock.


I just...

I hate my life.

Mom, come on. Give him another chance.

I have given him so many chances.

I love him, but he's just not good for us.

Then am I only gonna get to see him on Sundays like all my other divorced friends?


Football season's comin' up.

I don't think your dad's gonna see you on Sunday.

Maybe February.

2-55! Hut! Hut! Hut! Go!

Blitz 'em! Blitz 'em! Blitz 'em!

Go! Oh! Go!

Wait! Yes! Oh, Jesus, Jimmy!

He clipped him!

That was a clip all the way!

He's goin' all the way!

Down! Yeah!

You guys are really good at this.

You ever think about going pro?

Mike: Here it goes!

Oh, swing it down, now!

Bring it hard! That's it!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh, bring it down! That's right!

Hey, there's big Jim fulton. How's his shoulder?

Well, you know he had that rotator cuff surgery.

Yeah, I know, but did it affect his power chop?

Mmm, it'll affect that, but it shouldn't be detrimental against his log rolling.

Oh, well, thank God.

Wouldn't want nothin' to happen to the log rolling.

Man, these guys are so classy, you know?

I mean, there's no prize money here.

They're just in it for the love of the game.

Exactly. I mean, like, you don't see big Jim fulton out there Hawking chain saws.

Hi, I'm big Jim fulton.

When I'm out there cuttin' 'em, I reach for the best...

That's big Jim fulton.

Well, uh, I can see, you know, why he'd do that.

Because, you know, McCullough makes a heck of a product, that just proves no ones above it, OK?

What about you, doo-doo digger?

If someone offered you a million dollars to do a tidy bowl commercial, would you do it?

Well, I mean, you know, in a case like that, that's a product that I use and I believe in, I... I suppose I would.

Tell me something, why do you do all these commercials anyway?

Oh, come on, you don't need the money!

You know what I think it is?

I think that you think that if we see your face on TV a million times a day, then were gonna love you.

I don't need your love. Oh, yeah, you do.

No, I don't, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I don't do no more commercials than anybody else.

I tell you what. Let's see, OK?

Wanna play a little game here.

I'll flip through every station on this TV.

And if I don't see one of your commercials, I'll let you go.

I'll bet!

Hey, wait, that's kind of a risk there, Mike.

There's no risk.

He's on TV every 10 seconds.

Yeah, well, come on. Let's go.

Let's start. All right. Let's play.

Let's start with 2 here. I've been kid... hello? Is Scott Mitchell there?

You wanna pick up the pace, handsome?


In a limo this small...

♪ Ahh ♪ OK.

Oh, I'm gonna win this thing.

I don't know. I got 125 channels on the dish.

Keep changing channels, man, you're almost out.

Oh, this is it. Let me go.

Untie me, baby.

No, no, no!

I got ESPN 2 coming up.

I still got my thumbs.

Woman: The gentle...

This awful rash... let's play!

6-pack of Oscar Mayer... oh ha!

Whoo! Oh, yeah!

Sellin' those wieners, huh?


Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here comes my favorite part.

I'd play one-on-one with this hot dog any day.

[Mocking] I'll play one-on-one whit this hot dog any day.

Yum yum yum.

Will you just shut it off?

Turn the channel or something?

[Pounding on door] Help!

Get him in the kitchen.

Get him out of here! They got...


It's Carol and Tommy. Get him in there!


Carol. Tommy. Hey, what a surprise.

Look, it's not really a good time right now, OK?

We just stopped by to bring you some stuff I thought you'd need and to say good-bye.

What is this?

It's the rest of your stuff.

You think I'm going to spend the rest of my life living here with Jimmy?

I can't live with someone who refuses to grow in any way.

I can grow. Are you kidding me?

I'm... I'm practically sprouting right now.

Carol, look, I was thinking about it, OK?

I was thinking a lot about it, and you were right.

You were right.

I think that I've become a little bit...


Obsessed with sports. You were right.

You're just repeating what I said to placate me, and it's not going to work.

No, I really think that.

And you know what? I'm going to change.

I'm going to become a new man.

Hey, hey, you know what I was thinking?

We'll go back to that therapist, huh?

We can talk it out.

We'll talk. We can hold each other.

Hey, we can even cry.

We'll cry, and I promise, I won't even try to smack him this time, OK?

Fine. I'll call Dr. kauffman and make an appointment for Monday. Then we'll see.

All right, then. It's a date.

Doc kauffman's on Monday.


You miserable, low-life, son of a bitch!

What, you think I got a girl in there?

It didn't take you long, did it?

It's Jimmy. Jimmy?

Jimmy: Yeah?

He's in there.

He's whipping up a bundt cake.

Good one, dad. Bundt cake.

Yes, it's... hey, don't go in there!

Do not go in there!

Carol. Tommy.

See? It's Jimmy.

Uh-huh. And, uh...

Why is this man tied up?


For fun.

Just guy stuff.

Having fun with the guys, that's all.

Hey, you're Lewis Scott!

Carol: Who is Lewis Scott?

Who is Lewis... are you kidding me?

You know, that is exactly what is wrong with our relationship.

I go and kidnap the greatest player in the nba, and you don't even know who he is.

Mr. Scott, I think you're the greatest.


He says... Thanks for the compliment.

See ya later, because he's sorry he's gotta be going right now.

Good afternoon.

You are sick. You know that, don't you?

Hey, hey, hey, you don't even know what's going on.

We have a plan.

Oh, I have a plan.

I am calling the cops, then I'm divorcing you.

Let's go, Tommy.

You're still my hero.

Hey, thanks, Tommy.

Not you, dad. I meant Lewis.


I haven't seen Carol that mad since '87 when the celtics lost and I drop-kicked her chia pet.

I remember that.

Aw, let her go.

Who needs the loving support of a wife like that?

You know, a strong jawed, athletic, career-minded gym teacher like you, I'm sure every woman in Boston probably knocking the door down just to get in bed with your pasty-white, pimple-infested bloated ass.

Shut up before I bring your head over here and use it as a cue ball.

Excuse me. Uh, gym teacher?

May I use the bathroom?

Oh, yeah, right.

We're not falling for that trick.

Trick? What, do you think I wore a pamper here?

All right.

Maybe you should go in there with him just to be safe.

That's not going to happen.

All right, fine, but there's bars on the windows.

And if you try anything, we're just gonna start blowing holes through this door until you're dead. You got it?

Yeah, that's me... John dillinger.

Relax. I'm just gonna pee.

Jimmy, you want to help me uncoil it?

He better just be peeing.

[Zipper unzips]


I think we should get out of here pretty soon.

I mean, Carol was pissed.

She might really be calling the cops.

She very well might, knowing her the way I do.


[Pounding on door]

What was that?

I don't know.

I want my rent money, Jimmy.

You're taking advantage of me.

It's Nick the landlord.

What's he doing?

Nothing. He's coming in.

He's got a key. He's the landlord.


$300. Cough it up.

All right, just pay the man, get him out of here.

I don't have it.

Cough it up.

Nick, I'll tell you what.

I just installed a whirlpool spa.

I'll be installing it next week, and Friday I'll be able... just write the man a check.

It'll bounce.

Write it anyway.


Mikey, it's a $20 penalty for writing bounced checks.

OK. I am gonna pay Nick the landlord.

You don't deserve a friend like this.

You got that straight.

Hey, guys, thanks for the hostage-tality, but I really got to go.


I don't believe what I just saw.

Hey! Nick, lock it up.

Was that Lewis Scott?


This guy's physically fit.

We're never gonna catch him this way.

You try to keep up with him, OK?

And don't be afraid to take a warning shot.

I'm a terrible aim. I might hit him.

[Honk honk]


Yo, my man, let's go. Just drive! Drive!

Hey, you're Lewis Scott.

Yeah, it's me in the flesh. Come on, come on, step on it.

Get out of my cab.

What are you talking about?

This is an emergency.

After what you did to my celtics, get out of my cab now.

Is this the twilight zone? What's going on here?

Hi, grandma. How you doing?

Hi, peanut.

What's wrong?

Bill Russell's awful sad.

The celtics lost.

Don't worry about it, Billy boy.

Mikey and I are going to take care of it.

See ya later.


This way, dumb ass!


[Police siren]

Hey, Lewis! Come on!

Jimmy, winded: Oh, Mikey.


Now get in the van!

I mean it!

What are you gonna do?

Hit me in front of a cop?

Huh? Hey, officer!


This is bizarre.

Lewis: What are you doing?

Wait! Where you going?!


Nothing personal, man.

I wish the Utah fans were this passionate.

Lewis: Hey, kramden, where are we going?


We're just gonna drive around till after the game.

Oh, I see you put a lot of thought into this.

Hey, you have any music up in this tin can?

Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.

♪ Mr. bongo man ♪

♪ He got scrawny arms, dirty hands ♪

♪ Pounding on the bongo skins ♪ Hey, just turn this off! Give me the gun.

I'll shoot myself in the head.

[Music stops]

[Jim nabors singing the impossible dream]

♪ To dream... ♪ Lewis: Aah!

Hey, listen, I got a little business proposition for you.

Yeah, what if I were to tell you that I knew that the celtics were a lock in game 7?

Think we could make some money?


No, very inside information.


Your gas light's on.

Yeah. Well, look for a filling station.

Jimmy: Start looking.

Oh! Did you see that blonde in the new guess ad?

Oh, God. I saw that the other night.

I was gonna give you a call.

Talking about Michelle?

What, you know her?

Every nook and cranny.

Get out of here!

In the biblical sense?

Let's just say we never made it to church.

Oh, don't say that! You're killing me!

Hey, your fantasies are my reality.

Cough it up, man.

We want the details.

Well, I'd better give you some toilet paper and a little bit of wd-40

'cause I got stories, y'all.

You know the budweiser ad girl?


Been there, done that.


Hey, I bet you guys couldn't get past first base with the budweiser frog.

Well, that would depend on how drunk I got it.


I've been with 2 women in my whole life.

That's 2 more than Jimmy.

That's true. That's true!


Yeah, gas.

Jimmy: Let's stop for gas.

All right. You pump, I'll pay.

And you, you wait in there.

Oh, you guys!

All right, white ass! Unchain me.

Get back in the van!

Unchain me right now or I'll blow this place to kingdom come.

Come on! Get in the van, man!

I leave you alone for 2 minutes and look what happens.

Aah! Ohh!

Let him go, Jimmy.

You'd better let me go right now, otherwise we're gonna have a weenie roast here.

Do it!

No can do, man.

I'm willing to sacrifice for our boys in green.

You're willing to sacrifice my nuts?

What is the matter with you?!

Did he get in your head again?

No, it's completely blank.

Then you must be willing to die.



No one's gonna die

'cause that old Celtic's lighter hasn't worked since dukakis was governor.

Oh, yeah? Uhh!

Let him go, Jimmy.

Give me that thing! Get in the van!

Help him with his bowl.

Be careful.

It's a top of the line quiet flush.

Thanks for telling me about the lighter.

Mike: I'm soaking wet.

The van smells like gasoline.

Give me a light.

Jimmy: Well, look at that. It works. [Chuckles]


Hey, guys...

Please don't take this from me.

Just let me go. I won't turn you in, I swear.

Look, you don't want to go to jail.

Come on, Mike, you got a wife and a kid.

Jesus, Jimmy, you got... you got Mike, and he's got a wife and a kid.

Please, guys, don't take this from me.

You don't deserve it.

What, and you do?

You're damn right I do!

At least I'd appreciate it.

I would cherish every minute of every game!

I wouldn't be late for practice.

I wouldn't be ragging on my teammates.

I would work harder than anybody!

You don't think I work hard?


Man, I sacrificed to get where I am.

I gave up everything for the game.

Oh, big deal!

I would've given it up, too.

Would you have, Mike?

What do I have to give up?

Yeah, I'm the one born with the talent.

Not you.

I'm sorry, but don't take it out on me.

You don't think I've got the talent?

You're a gym teacher.

What do you think?

Pull over.

Lewis: Come on, Mr. p.E.!

Show me what you got, huh?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Bob cousy, here at labresky park with the skyline of Boston, Massachusetts in behind me, here at this 4:00 A.M. demand grudge match, a David and goliath contest between Lewis Scott, nba all-star, and Mike O'Hara, a gym teacher from charlestown, Massachusetts with a spastic colon and a few surprises up his sleeve, ma.

Is Mike O'Hara's dream dead? Well, we'll certainly see after the word from this sponsor.

[Imitating lewis] Hi, I'm Lewis Scott.

As well as being a professional basketball player, I'm also a denture wearer.

Together: Shut up!

Let's play!

All right. God!

Lewis: You reach and I teach. Shut up and play.

If you was a midget, I'd still take your little ass to the hole.

If you was crippled, I'd have you rubbing that nub.

Damn it!

If you was an old woman with no teeth, I'd still have you coming.

Yeah, I get it.

If you was my bitch, I'd do that to you.

Shut up!

Come on, Mike!

You gotta hit the weight room, kid.


Get up, you fresh fetus.

Oh, the kid is nice. The kid is nice.

Take a breather, Mike.

I'm gonna shoot 3s.

You should be in the league.

You'd make a great ball boy.

Now get a hold, boy, 'cause it's over!

It's not over till I say it's over!

Ow! Ohh!

Oh, jeez.

Oh, man, are you OK?

No, I'm not OK!

Ice! Get him some ice!


All right, give me the key. Key to what?

The keys!

Give him the keys! Yeah, yeah, key.

Thank you.

Jimmy: Scott?

What, stink hands?

Are you gonna turn us in to the police?


I got something much worse planned for you 2.

You're gonna root for me.

I am not rooting for you!


I'll see you ladies at the game.

You'd better pray I win.

Otherwise, you're going to jail.

Lewis: Hey...

Wear something purple.

Wear something purple.

[Van driving off]

Lunch is almost ready.


I have nothing to say to you.

Mike: Ow! Uhh.

What did you do to your foot?

I screwed up.

Oh, Mike.

So, dad...


What do you think prison will be like?

Carol: Tommy.

The paper said Utah's favored by 2.

He probably won't even have to go.

Look, can we not talk about sports, OK?

I just want to spend a little bit of time with you guys before I...

You know.


It's good.

How's work?

Mm. Fine.

Good. How's your friend? Uh...


Jill moved to Rhode Island 2 years ago.


No, I didn't mean Jill, I meant dawn.

Di... Ane.

You don't have to do this.

No, I want to. I'm interested.

How is... how's old Diane, huh?

Diane's little boy is turning 8 on Sunday, but, uh... well, I'm sure you wouldn't want to go.

There's nothing I would rather do on God's green earth than go to that little bastard's birthday party.

But I'll be in lock up.

Grandma, I've done something terribly wrong, and I might have to go to jail and become some bad man's boyfriend.

That's nice, peanut.

Now, could you get me a grapefruit out of the fridge?

Crowd chanting: Here we go, celtics! Here we go!

Here we go, celtics!

Here we go!

Excuse me.

Here we go, yay!

Come on, celtics! Here we go, yes!

Ha ha! Here we go, celtics!

Hey, hey! You made it. Ha ha!

Hey, Mikey! Hey, Jimmy!

Game 7, baby!

We're going all the way, baby!

We have to root for Utah.

This is a nightmare!

I think I'm gonna throw up.

[Crowd gasping]


I think I need a hug with my hot dog today, Suzy.


Jimmy, how could you?

Baby, please. Let me explain.

Man: Hey, what's the deal with the jerseys?

Crowd together: Yeah?!

Isn't it obvious?

Crowd: No.

The celtics have lost the last 2 games, right?

Crowd: Yeah.

And who have we been rooting for?

The celtics!

So can't you see?

We are the bad luck guys.

It wasn't Chris McCarthy.

It was us!

So now, when we root for the jazz, we're gonna jinx them.

And then the celtics are gonna win!

Huh? All right!

Here we go, huh? Here we go!

Here we go... Here we go.

Thanks, Suzy.

You pulled that one out of your butt.

I didn't want to say anything, but I knew it was you 2 all along.

Good idea.

Well, bill, it all comes down to this, the seventh and final game of the nba finals.

Now in case you've been out of the country, the talk here at the garden is that nobody has seen or heard from Lewis Scott.

Where the hell is he?

Listen up. He's not coming, all right?

So, were gonna do this without him.

Utah jazz is not Lewis Scott, all right?

There is nothing that you guys can't do, OK?

I believe in you.

Believe in yourselves.

Lurch, I want you to stand around the basket, just sit there and rebound.

That's it. All right?

But I've got the good stuff.

No, no, no. Don't start with the good stuff.

I don't want to hear about the stuff.

I don't want to hear the Croatian stuff.

Just do what I say, stay under the basket, and rebound! Can you do that much?

If you touch the ball, I swear to God, if you take the ball and you shoot, I'll have you deported!

Where the hell do you think he is?

Maybe he had trouble with the van.

The engine's been flooding lately.

What's happening, gentlemen?

Good to see you...

Again. Hey, Kevin.

What's with the jerseys? Don't you think that's a little overkill...

Under the circumstances?

There are no circumstances. He escaped.

No friggin' way.

You didn't bet on the celtics, did you?

Aw, worse.

Look at this.

What, you bought a t-shirt?

No, I had 20,000 of these made up.

If they lose, they're worthless.

It's a nice design.

Oh, you idiots.

OK. You better hope and pray that the celtics win, or you're gonna write a big check.

Hey, this isn't bad.

This could be worth something later, in a few years, because it represents an event that might not happen.

Announcer: At center... [Crowd booing]

In his second big year from Croatia...

Come on, let's go! Let's go!

At 7 feet tall, number 71, ilyalurtz bronfermakher.

They love me, man. They really love me!

No, they're cheering because Lewis isn't playing and they're gonna win.

But why do you have to ruin this for me?

Announcer: Your fabulous Boston celtics!

At guard, in his fourth year, from Kentucky, at 6'3", number 11...

[Crowd boos]

Hey, Lewis! Heh.

All right, lookin' good!

Lookin' very fresh! Very rested. Go jazz!

Hey, coach.

Coach: Lewis is here.

Lewis, hi. Hi. This is the seventh game.

I can exp... do you have idea what you put us through?!

Coach, you're not gonna believe...

[laughs]. What the hell is the matter with you, Lewis?

Why do you do this to me? You're selfish, Lewis, and that kind of behavior is unexcusable!

I'm gonna sit your ass down on the bench!

I'm benchin' you, Lewis!

You can't bench me. That's right, you're benched!

I don't want to hear another word out of you! Sit down!

All right, bring it in. Come on, huddle up!

This is it, boys.

2, 3, jazz!

Kimball! Jeez!

Kimball: All right, let's go!

What are you doin'?! Put him in!

Messin' with me, huh? Huh? I'll show you!

Kimball, you're blowin' it!

You don't like it, do you?!

Doesn't feel good, does it, Lewis?!

It's a little payback for you!

Kimball, don't be an idiot!

Put the best shooter in the... shut up! You shut up!

Just shut up! You shut up!

Shut up, the both of you! I'm sick of it!

Just shut up!

Crowd: Here we go, celtics, here we go.

Shut up!

All right, you've suffered long enough. Now get in there, and let's win this one!

Come on, Lewis!

Let's go! Let's go!

All right, Lewis! Scott-power!

Kimball: Oh, man, sometimes you just gotta be tough with these guys.


Come here. Heh heh.

Put the good stuff down on the bench, son.

I feel you, coach.

Yeah, feel the bench, all right?

Yellow, purple, green and white, the jazz are gonna win tonight. [Chuckles]

Shut it.

Yay, Lewis!

Whoa, Lewis Scott can't seem to find his rhythm.

I guess that's the price you pay for skipping practice.

Marv, it's coming back to haunt him right where it hurts.

Yay, Lewis.

Go get 'em.

Jazz, jazz, jazz.

[Crowd boos]

You guys are truly devoted.

There must be green blood pumping through those veins.


Marv, the celtics are really playing a physical brand of ball tonight.

They're just beating up on the Utah jazz.

Give him some help! Give him some help! Switch!

Prison won't be so bad.

I can become a born-again Christian.

And that'll be good because nobody wants a born-again Christian as their bitch.



Jesus loves you.

Move your ass. You're blockin' my view!

I'm trying to spread the gospel.

Yeah? Then spread this.

Thou shalt not ruin the frickin' game for me, OK?!

[All shouting]

[Buzzer sounds]

You stupid son of a bitch!

Nice ball!

Announcer: 15 minutes, halftime period.

Ladies and gentlemen, please pull out your ticket stubs.

If you're sitting in loge 18, row 3, seat 6, you've been chosen for the Toyota... that's me.

Hey, it's Jimmy!

It's Jimmy! Hey!

No, I can't do it. I can't do it.

Not now, not like this! Come on!

We might need the bail money.

Come on.

I'm Bob cousy.

Mike: Come on, you gotta do it!

You've got to do it, Jimmy!

Jimmy, listen, listen, how long have we been comin' to this place?

Since we were 9.

That's right, and it all comes down to this!

Lives right down the street.

He's a plumber from charlestown.

You actually get to play...

In the garden...

At the finals!

In a couple of weeks, this place is gonna be nothin' but rubble!

Jimmy, this is your destiny.

Thank you.

Please give a big hand to Jimmy Flaherty.

[Horn blares]

[Crowd booing]

Mr. cousy, don't steal the ball.

Take your best shot now, pal.

I don't want you to take it from me.

Do it for beantown, baby!

Do it!


[All cheering]

You did it! You did it! You did it!


Get the money!

Whoo! Hey!

[Laughing and shouting]

Jimmy: Hey, Mikey, 100,000 bucks can buy us a pretty good lawyer!

No way. It's over. We're dead.

Don't talk like that.

Scott's never gonna wake up.

We might as well turn ourselves in now. Maybe they'll go easy on us.

Look, would you be quiet?

I'm gettin' tired of your negativity.

Well, I think I have a right to be negative. We're goin' to jail!

[All stop talking]

[Toilet flushes]

Jimmy: No, we're not goin' to jail.

'Cause I'm goin' to jail alone.

I'm gonna say I'm the one who did it.

I kidnapped Scott, and that's it.

What are you sayin'?

I'm sayin' you have a wife and a kid.

If somebody gets caught, well, it's gonna be me. I'll take the fall.

No way. If we get caught, we're goin' down together.

Somebody's gotta spot you when you're liftin' weights in the yard.

Heading into the second half, the celtics leading a listless Utah jazz team

52 to 38.

Bill, Lewis Scott, only 6 points in the first half.

Bill: Marv, if Scott doesn't wake up and start getting some really big numbers on the board in the second half, there's no way that Utah can come back and win this game.

[Crowd chanting "defense"]

Oh, God!

Announcer: Kirby, 2 points.

Benton, 2 points!

Muller, 2 points.

All right.

Come on, Lewis, you pansy! Let's go!

Marv: Looks like it's all celtics here tonight, bill.


God! Aw!

Announcer: Benton, 2 points!

Mike: Scott!

I said listen to me!

I will not be ignored!

Everybody and their brother knows you're gonna shoot the goddamn ball!

Surprise them!

Pass it!

You are not taking me down with you!

All right, come on!

Pass it, you asshole!


Shepherd. Shepherd, are you OK, man?

What happened?

I'm not sure, but I think Lewis

[echoes] Passed you the ball.

Passed me the ball?

What's this? Lewis Scott passes the ball?

The only man more surprised than me was Shepherd, who took a nasty cut to the ear.

Maybe next time he'll wear an earguard as well, Marv.

[Kimball shouting]

Coach kimball must have finally gotten through to his star guard...

No, no, no, no! That's not kimball, that's us!

Oh! Marv Albert's talkin' about us!

Ohh, I can die now! Ha ha ha!

Kimball: Hey, Lewis, back off!

Hit the pass, baby! Yeah, all the way!

Ah, yes! Good pass, Lewis!

Good pass!

Now, you see, that's basketball.

You see a problem, you solve the problem.

That's coaching. That's it, now, come on!

Go, Scott! Go!

Bring it home, baby! That's the way you gotta do it!

Get you back, baby!

Wait a sec. Are you really rooting for Utah now?

No, no, no! Of course not.

I just don't want to go to jail.

Oh, yeah, that's right. We got no choice, right?

We got no choice, no choice!

Go, Scott! Come on!

You're beautiful! Get the bucket!

Way to stuff it! Back on d! Back on d!

Nice pass, Lewis. There's more comin', pauly.

Lewis Scott has expanded his game, and his teammates are responding right now.


Patty: What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

I think their plan is backfiring.

There it is, there it is, Scott, hoop! There it is, there it is, there it is, Scott, hoop!

Get that prick out of the game!

Foul his ass! I want him dead!

Hey, guys, easy with that garbage, and show some respect!

Patty, Timmy, respect!

[Moaning and grunting]

Kevin, you all right? [Whistle blows]

I think... I think your pass... your pass messed me up. Uhh.

Let's go! Tape up! Play hard! Come on!

He's hurt, man. Play hurt!

He's hurt. Ma-ma-ma-ma.

Lurch! Announcer: Time out.

You're goin' in.

I will no let you down. I promise you this.

I'm gonna get out there to give them some of the death row shit.

Well, don't worry about the death row shit.

Just don't embarrass me, all right?


Lurch! Check in.

Ooh. You're right.

It would've been a technical. Heh heh!

[Horn blares]



[Whistle blows]


Ref, what you lookin' at?


One shot.


I... I... I can't...

I can't take it anymore.

I... I... I'm totally...

I'm totally losing my shit, man.

Easy. No, no.

I'll never make it in jail.

I'm the kind of guy who'll hang himself with his shoelaces on the first night.

I am totally that guy!

Don't do it. Don't do it.

Jimmy, Jimmy...

♪ Play that funky music, white boy ♪

♪ Play that funky music now ♪ Tonight, the fate of the jazz rests squarely on the shoulders of their star Lewis Scott.

All net.

All right, Dale! All right, go!


What happened?

Keep singing!

♪ Chaka Khan, chaka Khan ♪

♪ Chaka Khan, chaka Khan ♪

♪ Chaka Khan, chaka Khan ♪

[crowd chanting "defense"]

Oh, great play!

Oh-ho. Come on.

[Whistle blows]

Set the pick! Come on!

[Whistle blows]

Our ball!

The ball, please.

Man: Ref, bad call!

Jimmy! Jimmy!

It's a time out!

Utah's down by one!

There's 7.5 seconds left!

Utah's got the ball!

Oh, if Utah wins the championship, we don't go to jail.

If they miss it, then the celtics win the championship.


Well, Mike, I don't know what to do! I'm so confused, Mike!

You gotta help me out! Who do I root for? What do I do?

Root for Utah!


All right, folks, we got 71/2 seconds.

That's a lot of time, all right? Just, uh, just suck up the energy here. It's all right.

All right, listen up.

We're gonna move the ball.

Lewis is gonna pass it over here to Dale.

Dale gives it off to Davis...

[Speaking gibberish]

Now, look.

Is that clear? Are you with me?

It's money in the bank, coach.

Bring it in here. Come on.

Seize the championship.

We got 7 seconds! 2, 3...

All: Jazz!

Nobody sends my man to jail.

Let's go.

Come on, you asshole.

Come on, Lewis! Come on, Lewis!

[Crowd chanting "defense"]

[Blows whistle]



[Horn blares]


Hey! All right!

He listened to you!

He listened to you, Mikey!

Ha ha ha ha!

Both: We're free!


Life goes on!

They did it, they did it!

They won! I love this game!

And, Marv, it would not have happened had not Lewis Scott totally changed his style of play.

Hey! Heeeyyy!

Whoo! Hey, hey!

You did it! We're the champions!


That really, it was...

Don't leave me hanging, man!

Ha ha ha!

Mr. Scott, Kevin o'grady, Boston police.

I have reason to believe these 2 men may have perpetrated a crime against you.

What's your relationship to them?

I know these 2 jerks.

They're my friends.

Hey! Oh, my man!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Who's the best in the nba?

Both: You are!

Oh, we're gonna kick your ass next year, man.

Yeah, you and what army?

I'm sorry about the abduction.

I've never done that to another guy.

Lewis, Lewis!

Mike: I don't know about this, Jimmy.

Jimmy: What?

I mean, Carol and I have really been getting along lately.

She even went to a hockey game with me last week.

I mean, if she even thinks that I didn't learn my lesson...

But you did, you did learn your lesson, Mikey! I mean... all right, all right, all right, shh, shh!

You did learn your lesson because you will never interfere with an nba championship game again, never.

This is different.


You're right. This is different.

This is football season!



What's going on?!

Well, hello there, Mr. deion Sanders.

It's your 3:00 A.M. wake-up call.

I'm calling security. You autograph hounds are completely out of control.


We don't want your autograph.


What do you want?

[Play that funky music playing]

♪ Hey, do it now ♪

♪ Yeah, hey ♪

♪ Hey, wait a minute ♪

♪ Now first it wasn't easy ♪

♪ Changing rock 'n' roll and minds ♪

♪ And things were getting shaky ♪

♪ I thought I'd have to leave it behind ♪

♪ Oh, but now it's so much better ♪

♪ Yeah, so much better ♪

♪ I'm funkin' out in every way ♪

♪ But I'll never lose that feeling ♪

♪ You know I won't ♪

♪ Of how I learned my lesson today ♪

♪ When they were dancing and singing ♪

♪ And movin' to the groovin' ♪

♪ And just when it hit me ♪

♪ Somebody turned around and shouted ♪

♪ Play that funky music, white boy ♪

♪ Play that funky music right ♪

♪ Play that funky music, white boy ♪

♪ lay down the boogie ♪

♪ And play that funky music till you die ♪

♪ Till you die ♪

♪ Oh, till you die, yeah ♪

♪ They shouted play that funky music ♪

♪ Play that funky music ♪

♪ Play that funky music ♪

♪ You got to keep on playing funky music ♪

♪ Play that funky music ♪

♪ Play that funky music ♪

[meet the bongo man playing]

♪ Meet the bongo man, meet the bongo man ♪

♪ Meet the bongo man, meet the bongo man ♪

♪ He got scrawny arms, dirty hands ♪

♪ Pounding on the bongo skin ♪

♪ Hey, everybody, come on, everybody ♪

♪ We're a-gonna watch him pound that skin ♪

♪ Meet the bongo man ♪

♪ Meet the bongo man ♪

[Celtic pride playing]

♪ Pain and passion ♪

♪ For my moment in the limelight ♪

♪ Never came ♪

♪ Then it hit me ♪

♪ I live it, breathe it, watching every game ♪

♪ And the few things that I know ♪

♪ I know them to be so ♪

♪ More than just a long note for the playing ♪

♪ And I never want to hide ♪

♪ My Celtic pride ♪

[tempo changes]