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Ah, good morning, present.
Right on time as usual.
Ah, as punctual as the devil himself.
You know, I've never understood that expression.
I've met the guy.
He's late for everything.
Hmm. Speaking of late for everything...
You would think the ghost of Christmas past would have a better concept of time.
You've got to love the irony.
Off the record, sir, have you noticed anything...
Strange about past today?
What do you mean?
It just seems that every time that I've talked to him, he seems... distant.
He's always been distant.
Let's get this over with.
You have a hot date?
Oh, I don't know, dear. What are you doing later on?
Okay, let's hear it.
Who gets to go on this year's spiritual guilt trip?
Very well, then. Meet this year's target.
His name is Jack Cameron, currently residing in Seattle, Washington, u.S.A.
The highs are high and the lows are getting chilly, and with a little help from our friend Jack frost and a low-humidity cold front, we might even see a white Christmas tomorrow morning!
What do you want?
We don't want anything.
We wanted to give you something.
We saw you don't have any decorations, and we had extra ones at our house.
Yeah, so we thought we would help you out for Christmas.
You thought you'd help me out for Christmas, huh?
So this is like a gift, huh?
So I could... I could put this thing anywhere, because it's a gift.
I could put it here, but then nobody could get by.
That'd be dumb.
You know what?
What about out here in this area?
But you know, it wouldn't look right with the house.
Uh, how about right here?
Merry Christmas, kids.
Party? What time?
I don't know.
You know how weird my dad is about today.
Hey, did you...
Let me call you back.
Wow, is that a new dress?
Yeah. Do you like it?
It's my Christmas present from mom.
Yeah, it looks like something your mom would get you.
It's very inappropriate.
You can see your whole...
My arm, dad?
Yeah, both of them.
Well, at least she gives me Christmas presents.
Listen, I give you double birthday presents, okay?
That's not the point.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you what the point is.
Do you know anything about those two things dangling from the mantel downstairs?
And what do those "things" look like?
They look like decorations.
It's just stockings.
Stockings are decorations, honey.
Are stockings a gateway into more hardcore decorations?
I'm glad you think this is funny.
Lighten up, dad.
It's just two red stockings.
Respect my rule.
Your rule is stupid.
Is it stupid? Yeah.
Is it really stupid? Yeah!
Excuse me for trying to spread some holiday cheer.
I thought maybe after seven years of banning Christmas, you might have changed.
It's time to get over this. Get over...
Hey, I am over this.
I am so over this!
But there's things that you don't know, okay?
Oh, I know.
I know that you're a psycho!
I am not a psycho!
I am not a psycho!
I'm not a psycho...
This is my room.
You're supposed to storm out.
I am not a psycho.
Jack was married in 1978 to one Alison Addison.
Has one daughter, Suzanne, born in 1990.
On December 24th, 1998, Jack and Alison attended Suzanne's Christmas pageant.
In the middle of the pageant, Alison left to go to the restroom.
She was taking a bit long, so Jack went to check on her, only she wasn't in the restroom.
She was in the coat-check room.
She was with Jack's dentist.
And they weren't checking coats.
Jack and Alison were officially divorced shortly thereafter, she claiming she didn't want to be married to a workaholic, and he claiming he didn't want to be married to a woman who cheats on him.
She moved to London and sees Suzanne once a year during the holidays.
I know all of this already.
Of course you do.
You know everything that's happened.
I'm informing present.
You know her... condition.
I know. Poor thing.
She'll forget all of this by tomorrow.
Doesn't it ever bother you, only knowing what is and not what was?
Doesn't it ever bother you only knowing what was and not what is?
All right, all right, please.
Can we get back to the case at hand?
Now, since that night, Jack has had a contempt for Christmas and forgotten its true meaning, causing him to be chilly toward others and weakening his relationship with his daughter, Suzanne.
And completely and utterly common.
Lots of people have lost the true meaning of Christmas.
So, what makes this...
What's his name?
What makes him this year's target?
Well, alphabetically speaking, we are on the cs.
Yeah, the sleeve is about a half short still, but I wanted the collar thicker, not thinner.
Yeah, by tomorrow.
Well, it's not a holiday at my house.
If you can't do it, I'll find someone that will, okay?
All right? Thank you.
The workers were wondering if they could leave early today.
All of them.
All 79 workers came into your office and asked if they could leave early today?
Sir, I volunteered to come in and ask, because, you know...
What is so special about today?
Um, it's Christmas Eve.
Yeah, but besides that.
Um, people want to shop.
See, as you know, today is just like any other day around here.
We all work our regular shifts, and when we're done, we can go home.
Also, the homeless shelter called asking what time they should stop by to pick up the coats.
The irregulars, of course.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
We're not doing that this year.
But this company has donated the irregular coats to the homeless since your father founded it in 1941.
Actually, I don't need a Cameron coat company history lesson right now.
We found a paying customer for the irregulars.
The Guatemalan army.
They bought them all.
They don't care if the epaulets are upside down or not.
They're not a very good army.
They'll probably only wear them once.
So they get some decent coats, we get a bucket of money, everybody wins.
Except the freezing homeless.
Miss green, I am not heartless.
I'm going to donate some coats on the fourth of July.
It'll be 90 degrees in July!
As usual, you have until midnight tonight to complete the assignment.
Sounds pretty simple.
We make an appearance, we show him the error of his ways, and poof!
By morning, he'll be singing fa-la-la-la-la.
I hope it's that easy.
We need a success on this assignment.
The head office has been threatening to close the ghosts of Christmas program due to ineffectiveness.
When have we been ineffective?
The Miami incident?
Hey, look, he could swim when he was a kid.
Look, just stay sharp this year.
The last thing we need is to look bad.
Past, here's your candy cane chronometer.
It's been preprogrammed to take you back in time to key points in Jack's history, and here are your spectral snowflakes which will allow you and the target to remain transparent while on the journey.
Oh, I really need a smoke.
Do you have any cigarettes in there?
Ghosts can't smoke.
Oh, please, Trevor.
What's it going to do, kill me again?
All right, then, synchronize watches.
The 12-hour countdown begins...
Uh, you haven't told us who the point person is on the assignment.
Matthew Preston, Jack's ex-business partner.
Died one year ago in a freak accident while on vacation.
What exactly do you mean by "freak"?
Hey, what was I supposed to do, huh?
For one thing, keep your eye on the fish!
I looked away for one second.
I mean, come on!
Let's get down to business, shall we, Mr. Preston?
We need your help.
Good night, Mr. Cameron.
Yeah, good night.
And merry Christmas.
Well, well, well, what a surprise.
Working on Christmas Eve.
What do you want, Alison?
I'm calling to wish you a merry Christmas.
Well, there, you said it.
Jack, are you still wallowing in the holiday spirit?
Did Suzie get the gift I sent her?
Yes, she got the dress, and we're both happy to know there's a hookers "r" us in London, too.
Oh, and I suppose you did better?
Oh, wait, I remember, Jack.
You didn't get our daughter anything for Christmas, did you?
I wonder why, Alison.
Are you still banning the entire holiday, Jack?
Don't you think that's getting a little immature?
Would you like to hear something really immature?
♪ Jingle bells... ♪
♪ Jingle bells ♪
♪ jingle all the way ♪
♪ oh, what fun ♪
♪ it is to ride ♪
♪ oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ doo-doo-doo... ♪ You know, Suzanne, I was thinking that since we're in the store that has literally everything, that you might see something that you really, really want, and then I could buy it for you.
But, dad, this is a drugstore.
Wait, you mean a Christmas present?
No, no, see, it's nothing to do with Christmas.
It's just one of those things a cool dad does for his daughter any day of the year.
Anything you want. You name it.
Anything except makeup.
Good evening, ladies.
Excuse me? Yeah?
Do you have any other cola?
You need more than what we've got?
Well, I like this brand, but I want a plain can.
I'm not following you.
That's Santa claus.
I don't want him on there.
You've got something against Santa claus?
No, but I just don't support what he represents.
So plain cans...
Santa not give you, like, a train set when you were a kid?
That's funny... Hey, dad.
I got this really great lipstick, and it's on sale.
Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to put it back, because we are no longer shopping in this establishment.
Because apparently the employees do not respect the customers' holiday beliefs.
Dad, you're embarrassing me.
Look, sir, I respect your holiday beliefs.
I just think they're kind of weird.
Did you not hear that?
Dad, they are kind of weird.
Honey, do not side with the help.
So you just want me to visit Jack Cameron...
And tell him that he's going to be visited by three spirits?
Yup, that's it.
What's the point of that?
I mean, why not just you guys show up instead of...
Well, it makes the transition easier.
Seeing someone that you know just smooths the way.
I always thought you guys were just fictional characters that Charles dickens made up in that...
Charles dickens was a two-bit hack!
Okay, don't get him started.
Charles dickens was a former target of ours who chose to write a book about his experiences, even though we explicitly told him not to.
But it was a great book...
It was crap!
Like everything he did!
Did you ever even reada tale of two cities?
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."
Make up your mind, Mr. Dickens!
Okay, okay, okay, but why me, huh?
Well, in a roundabout way, you died as a result of working too much, and for our cause, that is...
You're the only one that can do this, Mr. Preston.
Will you help us?
Will you help your friend Jack?
Oh, where are we off to?
A Christmas Eve party?
Yes, dad, a Christmas Eve party.
A Christmas Eve party.
Well, have fun.
I'm going to sit right here and give this night the respect it deserves.
By getting drunk and watching TV?
And eating frozen burritos, but Suzanne, go ahead.
Celebrate the worst day of our lives.
Dad, we have two options for focusing our attention today.
One is presents, cheer, elves, candy canes, and sugarplums.
The other is an event which took place seven years ago that did indeed suck, but was seven years ago.
Honey, maybe one day you'll grow up, and then you'll understand what this day symbolizes.
And maybe one day you'll realize that there's more to life than dwelling in the past.
I'm going to let you figure that out.
Now I'm going to this party, and you should consider yourself lucky if I come back at all.
Oh, really? Well, I'll tell you what.
You should consider yourself lucky if I...
Be home at midnight!
I'll have something witty to say then!
If I, um...
I got nothing, I got nothing...
What are you, crying?
Are you kidding?
It's been, like, seven years.
I was expecting you to be a little more shocked.
It's been a really long day.
What happened to you, Jack, huh?
I mean, you look bad.
What happened to you? The man who I knew wouldn't have been caught dead in that shirt.
Oh, wait. Too late.
You know, I could sit here and exchange witty banter, but I'm actually here to tell you about your plans for this evening.
Well, my plans are to stay in and take it easy.
Oh, there's going to be a lot more than that happening.
You're going to be visited by three spirits.
Is that three spirits counting you, or three in addition to you?
Because that would be four.
Uh, in addition...
Okay, that's four spirits, and I wish you'd said that right up top. Are they all going to be dead former co-workers?
They're going to be the ghosts of Christmas.
Like in the book. Yeah, like in the book, but do yourself a favor, don't even mention the book to these guys, because it's kind of like a sore subject.
That would make me scrooge, and you would be like that Bob Marley guy?
Something like that.
Doesn't any of this shock or concern you at all?
You know, it would if I didn't know that it was a hallucination brought on by the combination of alcohol and stress.
All right, well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Okay, one's going to be here at 8:00, and then there's going to be another one at, uh...
What is that, is that 9:00?
Oh, and then the third one comes at 10:00, and that's the ghost of Christmas future.
Am I right?
But you know what? I've got to get going.
Oh, that ain't right.
How did you get in here?
Were you not listening to the dead fish guy?
It was only an hour ago, for crying out loud.
Who are you?
Are you going to hit me with that lamp?
Are you going to lamp me to death?
Who are you?
Well, who do think I am?
I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
You mean, Matt was...
No, no, no, no.
No, you're a hallucination brought on by a combination of alcohol and stress.
Try this for a hallucination.
All right, let's get going.
We've got places to be.
We mustn't dawdle.
Whoa, what? What are you going to do with that?
Hey, that looks just like the house I grew up in in St. canard, Illinois.
Except it can't be, because they tore it down years ago.
That's why they call me the ghost of Christmas past.
It's December 24th, 1965, and inside that house is you as a young child, sleeping.
Well, why me?
In the book, ebenezer scrooge is a mean old man who hates Christmas.
I'm just a...
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Let's see what's behind door number two, shall we?
Wait a minute.
I'm not just some mean old man, okay?
I hate Christmas for a reason.
Something very bad happened to me, and no amount of memories you show me is going to change that...
Zip it! Zip, zip, zip.
You know, Jack, I could honestly not care less about you, your messed-up, whiny little life, your inability to function in society, your relationship with your daughter, which any psychologist would call disastrous.
All I really want is to get your butt in that house so we can do our thing, and I can go.
Okay, as long as we're on the same page.
Hey! Can they hear me?
Yes, Jack, they can hear you.
That's why I brought you back in time, so we can all sit by the fire, chew the fat, talk over old times, change the course of history.
Yeah, why don't you trot over there and tell them who won the 1968 world series?
Bet on the St. Louis cardinals.
Listen, I'm not going to let your attitude problem ruin this for me, okay?
You have a hissy fit every time you hear "jingle bells," and I've got an attitude problem?
Where are they going?
Jack, it's Christmas Eve.
They just stacked the tree with gifts for their kid...
That would be you...
And now they're going off to bed to have nightmares about all that money they spent trying to put a smile on your sweet little face.
You're kidding me, right?
You brought me all the way here to try to make me feel guilty about getting what I wanted for Christmas when I was a kid?
No, Jack, that is not why I brought you here.
Do you have any idea how much better things used to be?
I witnessed it first-hand.
Christmas used to have meaning.
It was more than just a time for the family to gather at the mall.
People were kind to one another for no apparent reason, and even if it was for just one day, people really seemed to care about those that were less fortunate.
Every year, Jack, my job becomes more and more pointless.
People get more and more cynical.
We used to have to use the spiritual guilt trip once every two years, for some poor lost soul, and now the poor lost souls are outnumbering the regular people, and yes, Jack, I have an attitude problem!
Oh, Jack, my attitude stinks.
I'm fighting a war that I cannot win, and being a soldier no longer seems worth it.
Did you forget to take your meds?
Is there somebody I could call?
Come on, buddy.
Come on, get it together.
Come on, now, show me your magic, and let me go home.
Show me some magic, brother.
There we go.
What did you do?
I hope you like 1965, because I'm... Personally, I'm very fond of it.
What are you talking about?
Look out the window.
What am I looking for?
I hope he's not in his underwear.
What the hell happened here?
Hello. You've reached the ghost of Christmas past.
I can't come to the...
Well, this is unusual.
What do you mean he never came back?
I waited at the house for almost half an hour.
They never showed.
Past is only allotted one hour to show the target around.
He knows that.
He's done it 2,000 times.
What, "oh no?"
Past's spectral snowflake has been broken.
Broken? But that means...
He and the target are now living, breathing humans in whatever year they're in.
Oh, this isn't good.
This isn't good at all.
Okay, well, we don't have to worry.
He can use his candy cane chronometer, and he'll come back.
Unless he doesn't want to.
Well, why wouldn't he want to?
Well, you tell me.
You said he's been acting over-distant.
If he doesn't get back, there'll be trouble.
What kind of trouble?
Our powers wear off less than three hours from now.
If the target hasn't been returned to the present by then, then he'll be stuck in the past forever.
That is trouble.
More than you know.
Oh, if the head office finds out we lost a target, they'll shut down the entire program.
Do you know what that means?
Yeah, we will be unemployed.
Time is a balance.
If Jack doesn't get back to his own Christmas by midnight tonight, then that balance will be upset. Every Christmas he ever had will cease to exist.
He will cease to exist.
The domino effect could be catastrophic.
The future could change, the world could be up-ended, the entire universe as we know it could implode!
There'll be chaos!
There'll be hysteria!
Oh, the humanity...
We have to stop thinking about the future and start thinking about the present.
We need to know what's going on in the past.
Send me back.
Yes. Send me back.
No. No, it's too dangerous.
More dangerous than the end of everything?
Maybe I should send future.
But nobody knows where he is.
Besides, we don't have enough time.
It's got to be me, Trevor.
It's up to you, then.
The life of Jack Cameron and the Christmas Eve program are at stake, not to mention the entire universe.
I've always wanted to see the past.
One more thing.
I need to see your spectral.
What did you do that for?
Past is human now.
So in order to catch him, you'll have to be human, too.
Good luck, present, and if I don't see you again...
What is going on?
Why are you tied up?
You can see me?
Who are you?
I don't even know where to begin to answer that.
Are you Santa claus?
Why are you tied up, Santa claus?
I'm not Santa claus.
Are you one of his helpers?
My mom told me the man at the department store is one of his helpers.
Are you one of his helpers?
I'm one of his helpers.
Then why are you tied up?
You should go back to bed.
Did Santa tie you up?
Yes, Santa tied me up.
Because I ate some of his milk and cookies.
I asked mom if we could leave some milk and cookies, and she said Santa was already too fat.
She used to say stuff like that a lot.
That's why I have food issues.
Who's that? I think I know. Untie me.
I don't know, mister.
I'll make you waffles.
I know you love waffles with powdered sugar.
Come on. Untie me.
Okay, go hide. Hide, hide, hide.
Who are you?
Oh. This isn't good.
Are you Santa claus?
No, I'm, uh...
The tooth fairy.
So why don't you just go off to bed?
I want to open my presents.
Yeah, but it would be best if you...
But I want to open them now!
Go to bed now, or I will come back tomorrow and rip out all of your teeth with a pair of pliers.
Now I'm emotionally scarred for life, which reminds me...
Hey, stay the heck away from old man boyens.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, strange lady.
Now, who are you again?
Oh, I'm the ghost of Christmas present.
Then, uh, how come you're in my past?
Well, we've had a little situation, but don't you worry, because I'm here to fix things.
Oh no. Oh no!
Our ride home.
That's a candy cane.
It's Christmas Eve. We'll go get another one.
Jack, this isn't just any candy cane.
This is a highly sensitive piece of technologically advanced time-travel equipment!
You shouldn't have sat on it.
I didn't sit on it.
Somebody tackled me!
Because I thought you were the little dude!
Oh, do I look like the little dude?
Thank you. You're welcome.
So we're stuck here?
Yes, Jack, we are stuck here.
I mean, the only way to get you back to your own time is...
So we missed it.
You said our time had passed.
No, not "passed." "Past."
So we missed it.
Just follow me.
The ghost of Christmas past still has his candy cane chronometer.
We need to find him, and we need wheels.
Don't do that, please.
See, it's 1965, and nobody locks their cars.
Right, I'll just hotwire this.
No, no, no, in 1965, everybody put their keys right here.
There's no seatbelt because it's...
Get in. All right.
♪ Dear, Santa claus my name is Sam ♪
♪ American boy that's who I am ♪
♪ yeah, I'm writing a list trying to make a plan ♪
♪ dear, Santa claus it's Christmas time ♪
♪ and all the year long I've toed the line... ♪ So, basically, what you're telling me is that if we don't find this guy by midnight, I am stuck here forever?
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
Don't you guys have, like, a contingency plan or an escape route that we could be taking right now?
Yes, and I'm it.
Okay, now think, Jack, what exactly happened?
What exactly did he say?
Well, we were in my parents' living room, and he started weeping.
He started weeping and getting weird and maudlin and self-pitying.
Reminded me of my crazy aunt Shirley when she got drunk.
Then, all of a sudden, he pulls out this giant snowflake thing and smashes it on the fireplace.
So he did this on purpose.
He did that on purpose for sure.
You tell me! Where could he have gone?
What do you mean?
You know everything, right?
I know everything about the present.
Right, and this is the past.
I get it. I'm getting this thing.
Okay, what is the first thing that past would do as a human?
Where's the closest place to buy cigarettes?
Well, it's Christmas Eve, so everything is closed.
He's here. Yeah?
I can feel it.
I can feel it, too.
Look at these toys.
Oh, that's cool. They are so simple, yet the children seem to love them.
Don't you, honey?
They do, because they have to use their imaginations.
It's fun, right? It's fun.
I'm sorry, it's fun. See how funny that is?
Look at this.
They're advertising guns to children?
Oh, no, they're bb guns.
They're only bb guns.
But these fire real metal pellets?
Real, little, tiny, tiny, metal pellets.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
You know what, you just put this thing down.
You could put somebody's eye out with one of these things.
Step away from the guns.
Where's the manager?
I demand to speak with the manager!
Cigarettes are on the third floor.
I just remembered.
Let's go! Here, son.
Santa, keep the kids away from the guns!
Now, these are, in my opinion, the closest to Cuban you'll find.
Word has it president Kennedy sent a box to Castro to show him how we do things here in the U.S. of a...
One moment, little lady.
Excuse me. I said, one moment.
I suggest you put the reins on your wife, pal.
I've got a couple of questions for you.
Now, I have a friend. How tall is he?
About like that.
Yeah, with a green vest and a red tie.
Uh, what's his name?
Chris, first name...
Yeah, he walked off about three minutes ago.
Yeah, where did he go?
He asked me where the hat department was, and I told him it was on the second floor.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Good evening, shoppers. Two hours until closing.
Two hours until closing.
♪ There goes jolly old St. Nick ♪
♪ he's gonna make his rounds again... ♪
This is the real one.
Watch where you're going!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on, come on, keep running.
Past. What are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?
Why couldn't you just leave me be?
Just give us the candy cane chronometer.
We'll go back to the office and sort this out. Give us the cane.
You know, I was really looking forward to the '60s.
It was a great decade.
You know, you leave me no choice.
No, no, no, no, don't do it!
Don't you do that.
You came too?
Well, since my chronometer broke, we are all connected to yours.
Stay here and don't talk to anyone!
Hey, am I invisible?
Do I have any super powers?
♪ Well it's Christmas time again ♪
♪ let all your good cheer in ♪
♪ it's Christmas time it's Christmas time again ♪ Past?
You are causing a lot of trouble at the bureau, you know.
I don't like to be alone.
♪ So grab your baby and hold her tight ♪
♪ keep her warm by the firelight ♪
♪ you know it's Christmas time it's Christmas time again ♪
♪ you know it's Christmas time it's Christmas time again ♪
I missed you.
I lost him.
I've got to ask you a question.
How did we get where we are right now?
Well, past time-jumped, and we're connected with him, so that means we're now somewhere else in time.
Okay, we're somewhere in time.
Can you be that much more specific?
Well, we can only travel to a Christmas Eve in your past.
So that means that you are somewhere nearby.
Okay, but when you say, "you are here," you don't meanthisyou. No, young you.
Young you is nearby. Huh.
Okay, did we, like, fly here...
Oh! Come here.
What have you done now?
My ski broke up.
So where and when are we?
Okay, Aspen, Colorado, Christmas Eve, 1978, the ski valley lodge, and this is my honeymoon.
Did the ski break up with you, or did you break up with the ski?
I broke up with it.
I caught it slipping around with a luge behind my back.
Well, don't worry.
There's a million skis in the sea.
It's okay. We're married.
After this, I think they go into the game room and make sweet love on the pool table.
Too much information.
We have less than two hours.
What are they wearing?
I like it.
Back then, people dressed kind of...
Are you folks checking in?
Well, you might as well make yourselves comfortable.
The snow storm has closed all the roads down.
Nobody is coming or going anywhere until tomorrow. That's right!
That's right, I remember.
The whole lodge is snowed in, no one gets in or out, there's no place else to stay for miles.
Okay, so if past is here, he is here.
Okay, so we need to find you a hiding spot.
Because the last thing we need is you sneezing on the younger version of yourself and when you get back to the present, you find the world is ruled by giant talking apes.
Yeah, right, like that can happen.
Could that happen?
Okay, stay put while I look for him.
This is small.
Yep. Just think about those apes.
Where would a girl go around here if she were from another plane of existence and looking to have some fun?
I'm sorry, miss, I'm already spoken for.
Oh, I beg your pardon, miss.
Uh, some fun...
We have a lovely bar just down the hall there.
That's where we'll be holding our annual
"deck the halls disco dance" later this evening.
Just down the hall to your left.
Great. Thank you so much.
Uh, excuse me?
What can I get for you?
Oh, no, I don't drink, but I'm looking for a friend.
He's about this tall, and he has a green vest and a red tie.
What's his name?
Yeah, he was just in here.
Him and Rudolph and blitzer.
Yeah, you know, they ordered a couple of ciders.
Stay tuned for the star wars holiday special.
I have to pee. I have to...
Where's your most out-of-the-way restroom?
Just down the hall and to your left.
The holiday season is getting weirder every year.
Jack! Stop it!
The game room.
There's nobody in here.
Okay, well, we could...
You are the best.
I was the best.
May the force be with you.
Did you likestar wars?
I've never seen it before.
I've seen it 12 times.
My name's Mike.
Uh, Patty. Patty.
Can I buy you a drink, Patty?
So, what do you want to do tonight?
I don't know, I was thinking...
Maybe we could go to the "deck-the-halls disco" thing.
Oh, they're showingit's a wonderful life in one of the ballrooms.
I wanted to watch that.
Jack, come on, don't be a bore.
I want to go dancing.
It's a classic.
Go to your movie.
I'll just stay in the room.
Okay, well, it's only a couple of hours, and then I'll come back and take you ice skating.
All right, well, whatever we do, let's go back to the room, okay?
I want to take a nap.
I was boring.
Gonna be a while?
Gonna be, uh...
All right, bye-bye.
Do you remember that tall blonde lady that I was here earlier with?
Have you seen her?
Just down the hall, to your left.
Oh, down the hall. Okay.
She's very attractive, isn't she?
If you like that sort.
Yeah, I do.
Down the hall, to the left.
Then Chewbacca just, like...
Hi, kids. How are you?
This a friend of yours?
Jack is a friend that I've known from 1965.
Has it been that long?
Listen, can I talk to my buddy here alone for just a moment?
Actually, I was...
I don't think he's right for you.
I told you to stay put.
If I'd have done that, I couldn't have seen you trying to pick up a strange guy at the bar.
I didn't pick him up.
He was picking me up.
Was he? Are you drunk?
No, I most certainly am not.
So you're celebrating because you found past.
But the past that I know will show up where the booze is, sooner or later.
Good plan, huh?
That's a great plan.
Do you have any idea what time it is right now?
Oh, silly, it doesn't matter what time it is now here, because we are on bureau time, and it's...
Where did the time go?
Ah, well, you drank it.
Bartender, can I get some coffee for this lady?
Her little friend there told me to beat it.
Did you get her drunk?
I was working on it.
She's had, like, four or five beers.
Is she having a good time?
I think so, yeah.
No, no, no. Coffee.
Actually, it's from the gentleman over there.
You tricked me.
I got a little carried away.
It was Christmas Eve and all...
You put a lot of things at risk.
We need to get back.
No, not right away.
Yes, right away.
Not right away.
I need a little more time.
I've been dreaming about this for years.
I want to be a human again, even if just for a little while.
You cannot blame me for that.
No, listen, I'm going to tackle him, take his magic cane, and we're going back!
No, it doesn't work that way.
The chronometer is set to our individual rhythms.
Either we all go back...
Or nobody goes back.
That's right, so you might want to listen to my little proposal.
Now, according to the clock at the bureau of yuletide affairs, we have one hour and 15 minutes.
That's plenty of time.
I'll make you a deal.
Give me 60 minutes to enjoy myself...
Drink my drink, smoke a few cigarettes, maybe dance a little...
And then I'll meet you back here at midnight.
And if we don't?
Well, if you don't, then I'll pop us through time like a pinball machine.
Until it's too late for anybody.
Now, do we have a deal?
Okay, we have a deal.
Then I will see you kids later.
Have a good time.
I know I will.
Well, I think I handled that well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, especially at the end, where you let him walk away from us.
I didn't have a choice.
What are we going to do till midnight?
This is disgusting.
Yeah, yeah, and it turns out, in the future, we find that they're actually bad for you, too.
What about this?
That's fine. Drink up.
So you can't remember anything?
Well, I mean, I can remember basic skills and functions and whatnot.
You know, I remember how to tie my shoes and use a computer, and I am surprisingly good at kung fu.
I don't really have a sense of life in the past.
Why did they do that to you?
I don't know.
I guess the head office didn't want any one of the ghosts having too much power, so we can all only remember the past, the present, or the future.
Well, the past is overrated.
But you know the present, right?
I mean, the present being today.
Mm-hmm. You know everything.
Then I could ask you anything and you could answer it.
Sure. Where's Madonna?
In her bathroom.
Where's my wedding ring?
In the bottom of your sock drawer.
Where's my daughter?
She's making out with chip wattingham in the front seat of his car.
She's in the back seat.
You're pretty funny for a dead chick.
Yeah, you're pretty handsome.
What did you say?
You know, I think it's getting kind of busy in here.
We probably should get going.
Because of the giant talking apes?
Yes, and we don't want you bumping into yourself.
Yeah, if I bump into myself, that could change everything.
What was it you said a minute ago?
I think we should go.
Really? All right.
Hey, thanks a lot.
Hey... hey, man!
What the hell is this?
All right, okay.
We need a place to hide until past comes back.
We'll find a place.
Hello. This looks good.
Come on in here.
Come on in here.
You're headed for two, uh...
I'm not there anymore. I'm down here.
So hold this. Hold this.
Make sure nobody bothers us, okay?
What are we doing in here?
Well, you said to find a good place to hide, and I'd say this is a great place to hide.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I don't think so.
Listen, we still have time.
Why should past have all the fun?
Are you okay... present?
Yes, this is great.
This was a great idea.
You know, I can kind of understand why past wanted to be human again.
Is he going to be in trouble when we go back?
Are you going to be in trouble?
Well, I'm not going to allow that to happen.
I'm going to tell them that you did everything humanly possible to get his little butt back there, and you'll be okay, trust me.
You're an interesting guy, Jack.
What's the word?
So, um, what happened with your wife?
She tricked me.
I thought we had a happy marriage for almost 20 years, and then one day, bam.
You had no idea?
No warning sign?
I mean, we had the usual disagreements.
I worked too much, I didn't spend enough time with her, and she'd get really upset, but then a few days later, suddenly, she'd get over it.
Now I know what she was getting to get over it, and the worst part is the way she did it.
During my daughter's Christmas recital, she got up, walked out the door, hopped on that dentist, and took off out of our lives.
He wasn't even a good dentist.
I mean, if he'd have been an astronaut, I'd understand, but...
It's not right.
How did your daughter handle it?
Well, obviously, better than me.
She's a strong kid.
I guess the thing that hurts me is that I wasted so many years of my life on somebody that obviously did not love me.
That's not what it said in the report.
The one on you.
According to our records, you had a better than average marriage, and it produced a daughter that you love very much.
So you must have enjoyed those 18 years, at least a little bit, while it was happening.
There were moments.
Maybe she was doing the best that she could do at the time.
So why not let the good memories outshine the bad memories?
You don't have memories, do you?
No, and that's what I mean.
Don't blow it, Jack.
You know, I thought that what we did was magic, but this...
Oh, my gosh, this is the magic.
I mean, you still have a chance.
Some of us don't.
Are you unhappy?
At this moment in time, I am very happy.
That make me very happy, too.
To hot tubs and time travel.
I'm having a weird feeling.
I don't know.
I think I have to go to the bathroom.
Well, I don't know, Jack.
I haven't been a human in a long time.
You could have fooled me, because you're really good at it.
Hold that thought.
He said he'd be here by midnight.
I'm having the weirdest feeling.
Do you have to tinkle again?
I just... I feel...
I don't remember feeling anything like this.
It's about you.
I wish we had more time.
Well, there's no time like the present.
I thought she was taking a nap.
I'll be right back.
Hey, how you doing?
My name's Vincent.
Now, you see, that's a beautiful name.
A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Are you here at the lodge alone?
Yeah, sure am.
Hey, do you have a room?
Yeah, yeah. 433.
Why don't I go freshen up, and I'll meet you there in 10 minutes?
On our honeymoon?
She was easier than you said she was gonna be!
I can't believe...
Nobody hits on my future ex-wife!
Hey, hey, break it up, you guys!
I am a personal friend of John Travolta...
Oh, my god!
Hey, it's Joey, man, your roommate Joey?
Hey, you know that new sound you were looking for?
Well, listen to this!
Oh, ooh. Jack?
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, I started a fight.
That's pretty stupid, huh?
No, it was stupid to leave you on the dance floor.
I want to finish what we started...
Oh, yeah, but I'm not too happy about it.
Well, take us back.
Thank you, darlin'.
Who are you?
Ebenezer scrooge, I am the ghost of Christmas present.
That is completely unrealistic.
Oh, my head.
A big guy hit you really hard.
Yeah, and then what?
Then you kicked his butt.
I thought so.
Okay, what are we doing...
Just... stay here.
What are you doing?
We have to get back.
I'm not going back.
You heard me.
I am taking control of my life.
You don't have a life.
Exactly, because of this job.
Look, we were hand-picked for our positions.
This is a worthwhile service.
Are you having a good time?
What does that have to do with anything?
Jumping back in time, drinking, dancing, wanting a smooch?
So what if I am?
You of all people should understand where I am coming from.
You're the ghost who got the worst deal.
You can't even remember the good times.
There is no time like the present.
That's because you haven't been enlightened.
Go with me.
Oh, we can go hopping through time.
It would be a hoot!
If we're not back in a half an hour, Jack Cameron will cease to exist.
A small price to pay for our happiness.
Don't you think we're owed this?
You have seen the future, ebenezer.
That's my daughter.
How can this be, future?
How can I be dead?
We all die, ebenezer.
It is how we live that makes us who we are.
Tonight you have seen your past, your present, and your future.
It is now time for you to realize what your life means.
I don't understand.
It is not what has happened to us in the past that makes us who we are, scrooge.
Neither is it our situations in the present.
It is what's in our hearts.
What happens to us in the past should not dictate who we are in the future.
We use our hearts to go through life and play the hand we're dealt to make the most of the time we have on this earth.
Yes, it's true.
I have learned the true meaning of Christmas.
You're going to miss the end.
Jack, what are you doing?
Why did you change your clothes?
Cheating on your husband while your daughter's on stage on Christmas Eve?
Wh-what are you talking about?
I'm just going out to the car to get some lipstick.
You mean like on our honeymoon when you did not go to the "deck the halls disco" and did not try to pick up that guy?
You knew about that?
Yeah, I also know you're on your way to the coat-check where you're going to hook up with Dr. Roland, d.D.S.
What are you, psychic or something?
You always were funny, Alison, and I'm going to miss that about you.
Okay, so now you know.
What do you want from me?
I want to thank you.
You want to thank me for cheating on you?
No, I want to thank you for 18 years of above-average marriage, and I want to thank you for mothering a wonderful, beautiful daughter who, if all goes well, will grow up to be absolutely nothing like you, and I want to thank you for leaving me right now, while I still have a few years left to enjoy my life without you.
All right, well, get 'er going.
The doctor is in.
But I've got some bad news for him.
He's lost a loyal customer.
What's it going to be?
No, I can't do this.
We need to go home.
No, no, no, no.
We don't need to do anything, my dear.
And if you want this...
You're going to have to take it out of my cold, dead hands.
Hey, pres, you should have seen me back there.
Take us home! No, you can't make me!
What are you doing?
Stay out of this, Jack!
This is between me and him!
Time is almost up!
Not yet, it isn't.
♪ When the Christmas lights are twinkling ♪ Cool, we're in black and white.
Where are we?
Those are my parents, and that's me.
He tricked me.
My mom is hot.
Nine minutes until Christmas day, Jack.
Let's find him.
What do you mean, why?
We have to get out of here.
It doesn't matter what time we're stuck in, or what place, as long as we're stuck together.
That is the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me, but no!
I have to do my job.
We'll get you another job.
Eight minutes until Christmas day, Jack.
Dance with me.
Jack, no, we don't have enough time.
1958 was a very good year.
There's something that I have to tell you.
I know, you love me.
No I mean... I mean, yes, probably.
Okay, I love you too.
Just listen to me.
This isn't about us.
This is about you and what is going to happen in... seven minutes.
If we don't get you back in time, then all of your christmases will no longer be.
And that means the old Jack Cameron will cease to exist.
So so if you cease to exist, that means you were never married.
Oh, my god, that's good news, honey.
Jack, that means...
You never had Suzanne.
So my daughter...
Will never be.
No, you can't do that.
See, that's unacceptable.
If it's me, that's one thing, but not her.
Believe me, she's special.
That kid, I promise you, makes the world a better place to live in.
Five minutes, Jack.
Come back, little man!
Why did he have to break that snowflake?
Get back over here!
Okay, here we go.
You're not going to take my daughter away from me!
Too late. It's Christmas day!
Not yet it isn't.
Jack, 15 seconds.
Then I'd better go now, huh?
Are you crazy?
Probably, but it'll be fine!
Not so fast.
Why did you stop me?
You people certainly know how to create a mess.
That's my boss.
Oh, hey, she did a great job.
The other guy, he's rotten, but she's pretty great.
Nice to see you all.
Past, you have done the most selfish thing anyone has ever done in the history of time, and I checked.
Yeah, well, I'm not sorry for what I did.
I know, and that's why you're being replaced.
You can't replace me.
I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
Damn, I've been doing this for 2,000 years.
Who could possibly be qualified to replace me?
Well, we held a meeting and decided on someone with a strong spirit, someone who would appreciate the past for what it is, someone who, in retrospect, has been overlooked and neglected for 2,000 years.
The head office decided it would be best.
You've been deprived of the past for so long, you'll be granted the knowledge of all of it.
What about me?
What am I supposed to do?
We have a position all lined up for you.
Is she okay?
She'll be fine.
She was just given the memories of all of civilization.
Give her a moment to adjust.
I want my mommy. I want my mommy...
What happens to me?
You get to go home.
And I'll take you.
Whoa, it's here. It's still here.
What a night, huh?
It was great.
What you said to your wife, that was pretty good.
It felt good.
Look, Jack, you and I...
You don't have to say anything.
I've got to...
Just try not to forget me.
Oh, I won't.
I will always remember you...
Now that I can.
Merry Christmas, Jack.
God bless us, everyone.
Oh! Oh, thank god you're here, baby.
How are you? Oh!
Where have you been all night?
What day is it?
Well, it's Christmas day.
Perfect, thank you!
Are you drunk?
No, I haven't had a drink since 1978.
Look, dad, I'm sorry for calling you a psycho.
No, honey, don't be sorry, because I was a psycho.
I was a crazy psycho!
You are drunk.
No, no, no, this is different, baby.
Christmas should never be forgotten.
It's a time to be kind to strangers and celebrate life.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
Merry Christmas, dad.
Okay, go get changed.
Where are we going?
We're going to go spread some Christmas joy.
Are you kidding me? Come on!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas to you, too.