Chopping Mall (1986) Script

Stop right there.

Stop right there, and surrender your weapon.

The hell, you say.

Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes the film portion of our presentation.

Now, I'm sure you all have questions, so let me introduce you to the Head of Development for Secure-Tronics Unlimited, Dr. Stan Simon.

Thank you very much.

Before I open the floor, I'd like you all to meet... your brand-new security team, the Protector 101 Series robots.

One week from tonight at closing, the Protectors will begin their patrol of the mall.

Paul, they look like the Three Stooges.

Each assigned to one of the three upper shopping levels.

I don't know, Mary. The one in the middle has an unpleasantly ethnic quality.

Now, are there any questions?

Yes, Dr. Carrington.

So what do your machines there do besides kill criminals?

Well, first of all, Doctor, the Protectors do not kill.

Wonder if they kill cockroaches.

They could probably be programmed to.

They merely detain intruders until the computer, located on the roof, can patch into the mall phone system and send an alarm to the police.

I don't know. That guy looked awfully dead to me.

Just neutralized.

Protectors can achieve this function in a number of ways.

At close range, sleep darts fired from here and here can knock a man out in less than 30 seconds.

However, the likelihood of an intruder gaining entry is greatly minimized by the steel security doors, which are time-locked from midnight till dawn.

Um, they seem so violent.

If they're called Protectors, what do they protect?

Plenty. For starters, as seen in the film, the Protectors do their work in the mall proper, not in the stores themselves.

Maybe we could use one at the restaurant, get rid of people we don't like.

For instance, lasers positioned here can cut through any sort of debris.

Well, that's all very well and good, but what about those who work late?

And how can your things there distinguish between the good guys and the bad guys?

That's very simple.


This is Simon.

Bring Number One online.

Ho ho! Wow!

That's great stuff.

May I see your identification badge, please?

It's scanning.

They remind me of your mother.

It's the laser eyes.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Same to you.

There. You see?

The system is absolutely foolproof.

Now, everyone connected with the mall has been issued an I.D. badge so that when the secure mechanism goes online, the Protectors will make Park Plaza the safest mall in the state.

Trust me.

Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

Ahh! My God. Are you alright?

More coffee? Come on. Come on, sweetheart!

Give it to me! Give it to me! What do you got? Andiamo!

Can I get two Uncle Luigi belly-busters, a double anchovy pizza, and an order of garlic logs?

That's so gross. What Mojave brain ordered that?

Guy over there.

Oh, God. I should have known.

That orca beaches here every night, always trying to snag some skin. Play it safe, Alison.

Serve at arm's length, if you get my drift.

Thanks for the advice.


That's one! Shit.

Oh, honey, you're breakin' my heart.

Look, Alison, in about an hour and a half, we bail this barbecue, and it's good times to the max.

You've just got to show.

Suzie, you've got A one-track mind.

I already told you. I don't know anybody.

Yeah, but you will after tonight.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Hey, would I set you up with a slime dog or something? No way, babe.

"It is babe, isn't it?"

Come on! Come on! Take it while it's hot.

While it's hot! Girls, come on!

Yeah, alright, alright.

Waitress, more butter.


Attention, shoppers.

For the next half-hour, everything in our drapery department will be marked down 30%.

Your attention, please. Your attention, please.

We have a lost child in lingerie answering to the name of Steve.

My Uncle Sid finds out I let you do this, I'm dead.

Ah, don't tell me, Ferdy.

Are you going chickenshit on us again?

We already agreed.

He trusts me to take care of the store while he's gone.

He ain't gonna know diddly unless you tell him, and you ain't gonna tell him, are ya?

Hey, look, don't force me to pull rank.

Oh, I'm shaking.

You know, Brennan, you're becoming a real candidate for prickhood.


Look, guys.

This party is gonna happen, but we need a little teamwork, okay? Besides, if the place looks like shit on Monday, it's all our asses.

You got the beer?

Greg, come on.


The fridge is packed. Alright, good.

Rick and Linda are bringing the food.

Clean sheets are definitely waiting.

And, uh, Suzie--

Suzie has a surprise for you.

I don't know, guys.

Come on, Ferdy. Forget about your Uncle Sid for a while.

This is gonna work, okay?

Ferdy, you can't back out on us now.

Okay, okay, let's party. Alright.

But first I gotta find Mrs. Flanagan's fuchsia. I--

Well, you find Mrs. Flanagan's fuchsia.

You, you hold down the fort.

I will.

I'm gonna go find Leslie.

Ah heh. I'm sure you will.

Quack, quack.

Greg, I-- Ferdy, don't worry.

It's not that. I can't find the fuchsia.

Ah, fuck the fuchsia. It's Friday.

Tell the old bag to wait.

Okay, hon. Give it a try.

Strike three, Walden.

You're out.

My turn.

It's okay. I got it. I got it.

You know the rules, buster. Into the cab.

Okay, Butch. You know I can't resist it when you get tough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just crank it when I tell ya.

Well? We're waiting.

Just a sec, huh?

Alright. Hit it.

Always the first time.

I don't want to hear it. Not another word.

Me? No way.

I covered this whole deal when I said, "For better or worse," remember?

'Course I remember. I mean, who could forget that 40-weight stain right there on your tux?

Should have been "for better or weird."

And speaking about weird, what about this furniture store thing--

Oh, come on, Walden. Indulge me.

We haven't had any fun since we sunk all our wedding money into the business.

Besides, Suzie's counting on us.

Honey, I don't care about-- Okay. Okay, okay.

I guess I won't be needing this.

Or, um... will I?

Attention, shoppers.

Attention, shoppers.

Park Plaza will be closed in 20 minutes.

The mall will be closing in 20 minutes.

The lower parking levels will be closed at 10:00.

Attention, please.

Mr. Brad Trevoy to the information kiosk.

You horny bastard.

Can't you wait?

No. No, I can't.

What can't you wait for, Michael?

Mr. Todd.

Uh, Well, I--

I--I was just telling Leslie here that, uh, uh, well, that, uh--

Daddy. He was just telling me how he couldn't wait to take me over to Suzie's house tonight for her, um, birthday party.

I see.

Well, I'm running late.

You'll lock up?

Sure. I'll take care of everything.


I'm sure you will.

Okay, Daddy.

I love you, too. Bye.

So, what'd he say?

He said, "Go out, and have a good time.

Oh, alright! That is bitchin'.

Boy, I wish I had it that easy.

My parents still think I'm a kid.

Why do I have the feeling I'm gonna regret this in the morning?

Look, Alison, you've had yourself a very rough first week.

You owe yourself a little blowout.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Okay, just so long as I don't have to look at any more pizza.

Oh, you won't. I promise.

Oh, great! This is gonna be wonderful.

You won't regret this.

I bet.

Attention, shoppers.

Park Plaza will be closing in 10 minutes.

I am so nervous. Hairspray, my lovely.

I really hate blind dates.

Oh, yeah! Bodacious. Lipstick.

Suzie-- Oh, no.

This is a terrible color. Give me another color.

What if he's not my type?

Oh, yeah, that's it. Luscious lust.

Suzie, are you listening?

What are we gonna do all night?

Will you stop worrying? Like I said, he's got... a great personality! A great personality!

That's right! Right.

He does. You're going to love him.

Trust me on this.

Hey, babe.

"It is babe, isn't it"?

Let me see. What?

Okay. No, you look good. What, what?

Are you sure? Yeah. Sure.

Really? Yeah!

Marty, I'm sorry I'm late, but it was all-you-could-eat night down at the Pit, and I couldn't resist the opportunity to pig out.


Yo, Marty!

How's it hanging, guys?

Least he could do was clean up.

Waste not, want not. You know what I mean?

No, I--I guess you wouldn't.


What do you mean, "Who is this?" You called me.

No, Marty's not here right--


Happy motoring. You're so sentimental.


Come on, you guys. Give me a break.

I got a lot of bookkeeping to catch up on.

Ferdy, it can wait.

Yeah. Tonight, you are gonna shake that ultra-Wally image of yours once and for all.

But I like my image. I don't wanna shake it.

Look, you guys just have fun. I'll just--

Look, this is not a democracy.

You have no choice.

But I got a lot of bookkeeping to catch up on.

But nothing!

Ferdy Meisel, meet Alison Parks.



Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Oh, hello.

Protector One going online, level one.

Protector Two going online, level two.

Protector Three going online, level three.

Lady, you, uh, got a license for that outfit?

Why, uh, no, Officer.

I guess you're just gonna have to take me in.

You smell like pepperoni.

Well, if that's the way you feel--

Wait a minute.


I like pepperoni.


In that case...


What now?

You know I don't allow that.

You allowed it last week, didn't you?

Huh? What are you do--

Huh? Michael.

I seem to recall it from last week.


Heh. I don't know why I watch these things.

I scare so easily.

I'm sorry. I should have told you about that.

I've seen this one a few times.

Could I get you some more wine?

Ferdy... are you trying to get me drunk?

No, no. I--I just figured maybe you might be thirsty.

You know, part of the reason why Greg fixed me up here tonight was so I--I wouldn't squeal to my uncle.

I never thought that, uh--


I never thought It would be so, uh... you know, nice.

It's been nice for me, too, Ferdy.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

You're the king!

You're the king!

Chalk one up for the Furniture King.

They're having a nice time.


Well, look, it's getting kind of late.

The mall's gonna seal up in about an hour.

What do you say I take you home?

That's real sweet, Ferdy, but if it's alright with you... we can stay a little while longer.

Nice shot.

He gave his life.

I know.

Yo, Walter. You havin' a good time?

Ty, you know Paisley. He loves a challenge.

Go ahead and laugh, you guys, but if I ever find the little bastards that did this, they're dead meat.

Right, Walter. Right.

Say, you better hustle it up.

You don't wanna get locked up in here again, do you?

Hey, rub it in all you like.

I'll be out of here in 10 minutes. You'll see.


That's gonna--


You clumsy son of a bitch. Look what you did.

I ought to turn you into scrap metal for this.

May I see your identification badge, please?

Identification badge?

Do not make any sudden moves.

Sudden move? I'll give you a sudden move upside your head.

What the hell is that?

What is this, you worthless pile of junk, huh?

Hey, look, I'm like you, you know?

I work here. See? Huh? See that?

Ah, shit.

I knew you bastards were gonna be trouble when they first brought you in here.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Hey, smoking's bad for your health.

I have to have a cigarette, and I have to have one now.

Are you for real?

Can't you think of anything you'd rather have besides a smoke?


Okay. Okay.

Uh, I think Singleton left a pack of Camels under the register.

Camels? No way.

You know I only smoke Virgin Lights.

What do you expect me to do?

Go out in the mall and buy a pack?

There's a machine right down by the phones.

You always get your way, don't you?

When I'm happy, everybody's happy.

That's for sure.

Hand me my badge, will you?

What's the magic word?

Hand me my badge, please.

Thank you.

Oh, Mike?

What, what, what, what, what?

Hurry back.

Count on it.

Buck and a quarter?



No, Jamal, there haven't been any messages for you.

May I see your identification badge, please?

Jeez, you little bastards are quiet.


Klaatu barada niktu, okay?


I give up.



Brennan, you ass.

I'm not in the mood for games.

I got you, and the only good rat...

What is it with those two, anyway?

Personally, I can't figure it out.

All they do is have sex and fight.

Like most couples. Yeah.

Look, we've got about 15 minutes before the whole place locks up.







Damn you.

Brennan, you don't come out now, don't bother.

Alright, wake up.

Wake up!

I said wake up!

That's it! I don't need this crap!

Oh, my--

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Protector One, arming.

Detain intruders.

Oh, my God, there's another one!

Protector Two, arming. Assist Protector One.

The storeroom. Quick, let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

Go. Come on.

Go, go, go, go!

Here. Use the box. Good.

Come on.


This isn't gonna hold them very long.

You got any better ideas?

What about the fire exit?

All that's gonna do is put us back out in the mall with those machines.

Well, it beats being trapped in here.

Who knows what they're planning right now?

Linda's right. We've gotta get out somewhere we can run and get some weapons.

What was that?

That's the sound of us being locked in here all night.

Those security doors don't open till 6:00.

Oh, no. We're never gonna get out of here.

Yes, we are.

The phone's dead.

The computer must have taken control.

Hey, what about that?

The air duct.

Wait. We take it down to the parking levels, we're outta here.

Let's go for it!

Go, baby!

What was that?

Go, Suzie. Go.

Okay, I'm right behind you. As usual.

Prepare for detonation.

Proceeding to alternate access.

Come on, Alison. You're next.

Come on, keep going. Keep going!

Come on! Let's get out of here!


I thought this was an air-conditioning duct.

Feels like the heat's been turned on.

In the middle of summer?

They know we're in here.

They're trying to French fry us.

Come on, Suze.

You know who gives you twice as much heat at the restaurant.



Wrap whatever you can around your hands.

I can't stand this anymore.

I gotta get outta here.

I gotta get outta here.

Come on, Suze.

Hang in there.

What now? Find some way outta here.

We're gonna have to defend ourselves.

This place got a sporting goods store?


Let's go. Come on.

How are we gonna get in?

Don't worry. I got the keys.


Ferdy, propane tanks.

Grab the biggest. Alright.

Let's see here.

What about shells? 12 gauge.


Oh. Great. Thanks.

And some .223s.

Let's go send those fuckers a Rambo-gram.

You sure you know how to shoot that?

Yeah. I saw "Dirty Harry" 24 times.

All set?



One of 'em ought to have heard that.

Dead man could've heard that.

Hey, fellas, we got company.

That didn't take very long.


Go for it.

Ferdy, now!

I gotta find Greg.

He needs me.

Let me outta here!

Suzie, please.

The guys told us to go down to the parking levels.

Come on, kiddo.

Greg wouldn't want you to give up now.

Oh, go to hell, Linda!

You do what you want, but I'm getting out of here.

Suzie, stop it! Please.

Greg needs me. I know he does.


What's that?

Robot blood.

Not too shabby, huh?

Yeah. Well, we're not finished yet.

We still got two more of these suckers around here someplace. We gotta get some more tanks.

What are you thinking?

I got an idea.

Really, you guys, this is not a good idea.


Greg could be hurt. They all could.

I'm gonna find them.

I've got to.

What do you think?

Well, if we gotta go, let's not go empty-handed.

Ahh. Oh. Shit.

I didn't think they'd work.

Never hurts to try.

No, I guess not. Give me a hand, guys.

Let's pry this baby open.

Come on.

You know, I got a worry.

Report from the front--

Ferdy's got a worry. Yeah.

Look, what if these things can read our minds?

Then they'll be awful mad when they get to me.

Alright. Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Give me the gun.

Right. Give me the--Yeah.

Okay, shh!

Take the cap off, and stuff the cloth in.

That's it? That's it.

Light it, and throw it.

Sound like you've done this before.

Regular or unleaded, it gets the job done.

I'm not sure I can do this.

It's okay, Susan.

You can do it.


Go on.

Protector One back online.

Hey, guys, how's it goin'?

Almost done, Ferdy.

You think Mike got out alright?

For his sake, I hope so, but right now, I'm more concerned about the girls.

Yeah, you and me both.

Hey, I almost forgot.

How much do I owe you for the beer?

Heh. Forget it, man.

We get out of here, you owe me a six-pack.

Just make sure that those cords are good and tight.

Yeah. Are you sure this is gonna work?

With those things, Greg, I'm not sure of anything.

Hey, Ferdy, how's the panel coming?

Well, the doors work now. I bypassed the circuit.

But forget about going up or down.

It's controlled by the computer.

Do you hear anything unusual?

Only my heartbeat.

It's not stopping!

Come on!

Help me! Help me up!


Help me!

We've gotta help her!

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Oh, God.

Come on! Fucking bastard.

Ferdy, get 'em to safety!

Forget it, man! It's no use!

Go! Go! Take it!

Now! Rick!

Nice shot.

Dad's a marine.

According to my calculations, provided we survive the night of course... we're gonna be in hock to this place for the next 85 years.

How many tune-ups is that?

Just a sec.


Maybe we should raise our rates.

Hey, deadeye.


Nice shootin'.


Tell me one thing, though, huh?

Why did you leave the air shaft?

I mean, you were safe there.

You were safe.

Greg, Suzie thought you were in trouble.

She just wanted to help.

I'm telling you you should've kept her there.

Look, she told you what happened.

Why don't you just leave her alone?

Shut up.

You just shut the fuck up!


Do you guys mind keeping it down?

There's another one of those things out there, and you're gonna bring it right to us.

There's another one?

Why haven't we seen it?

Why? I'll tell you why.

'Cause the fucker's out there waiting for us.

He's waiting to pick us off one by one!

But I got news for you.

He ain't getting me.

Greg, you're not thinking, man.

We got this far by staying together.

And a lot of good that did Suzie, right?


Wait. I got an idea.

The master computer is somewhere on the third level.

We shut it down, it shuts the robots down.


It's worth a try.

Computer, huh?

Let's go trash the fucker.

Come on, guys! Let's shake it!

Come on, buddy. Slow down.

Greg, will you wait?!

God, man, he's losin' it!

We'll be lucky if he doesn't get us all killed.

Greg, stop! Greg, wait!

Greg, stop!

Greg, wait! Greg, stop!

Come on, guys! The coast is clear!

Watch out!


Thank you. Have a nice day.

The first one. You didn't kill it. Go!

Protector Three to level two.

Detain intruders.

Protector One to level two.

Detain intruders.

It's stuck.

Let's get it unstuck, fast.

Come on!

There's no time. We're not gonna make it.

Come on.


Alison! Come on.

Alison, are you alright?

I think so. Where to?

Escalator, third level. What about the doors?

We can't lock them. They'll get through.

Maybe so.

Maybe not.

Let's go! Come on.

Instructions-- attempt entry, level three.


Hold it.

This way.

Up here.

Protector Three, level three.

Search proceeding.

Hold it, Ferdy! They could be out there.

Yeah. At least we're safe here for the moment.

Yeah, for the moment.

Those things can go anywhere they want.

You know, maybe we'll all stand a better chance if we split up.

Are you kidding?

The moment any one of us go out there, we're dead meat, yesterday's news.

Damn it, Ferdy, will you stop it?!

Will you just stop it?! Linda.

Linda, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.


It's alright.

It's not you, Ferdy.

I guess I'm just not used to being chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots.

It's in!

Yeah, and it won't be long before it comes our way.

We've gotta get out of here. Not so fast.

One of them could've doubled back.

We could get picked off out there.

Well, look, if those things want some target practice, why don't we give 'em some targets?

Get out of here!

Ferdy, now!

Rick, look out!


You son of a bitch!

Rick, no!

Let's go find that computer.

Where the hell is it?

Probably off one of these service corridors.

There's a million doors. We'll never find it.

Okay, why don't you try over there?

And I'll try over here. No, I don't want to split up.

What can happen? You want a list?

We're wasting time. Okay, look, if you even think you see anything or hear anything--

You'll hear me.




Help! Ferdy!





Alison, move! Get out!

Laser malfunction.

Laser malfunction. Detain intruder.

Detain intruder.

Laser malfunction. Laser malfunction.

Detain intruder. Detain intruder.

Stop right there.


Alison, get the hell out of here!


Thank you. Have a nice day.

Come on, you little bastard!


Have a nice day!


Nice shot.

Thank you. Have a nice day.