Christmas Cupid (2010) Script

AARON: Hello?

Hey Aaron, it's Sloane Spencer.

I was calling to check on the arrangements for the Snow Angel premiere party.

Sloane, darling. It's going to be exquisite.

Valhalla.

We're going to have 100 white doves preset in cages over the entrance.

So when Caitlin Quinn arrives, we'll release them!

Picture it. The Snow Angel with all those gorgeous white birds swooping around her. Spectacular!

Wow. I know, right?

Now, just one question.

Sure.

What happens when you stick those birds next to hot lights for a couple of hours?

Hmm?

They die, brain trust!

It's like sticking them in a rotisserie.

Do you want a hundred charred, roasted birds plummeting down on the star of our movie?

No. I didn't think...

Damn right, you didn't think!

Now, you have exactly one hour to call me back with ideas for a premier event that doesn't belong in a Stephen King novel.

Javier, find me some heat-resistant doves.

JAVIER: Right away.

Hey, you can't park here. That's a handicapped spot.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Sloane!

We were starting to think you were gonna take the day off.

Not at all. I figured you'd like a latte to get you through the morning.

You read my mind.

So, how's the Snow Angel's party coming along?

Awesome. It is gonna be the biggest thing to ever happen on Christmas Day.

Except for the whole Jesus being born thing, right?

(CHUCKLES) It's gonna be bigger than that.

Exactly. Where are we with the press?

Well, I've got phone calls out to all the major networks.

I'm just waiting for confirmation...

Wait, they haven't confirmed yet? This party is in three days!

I know when the party is.

And I'll make sure the networks are there.

You know, I'd be happy to pitch in, make some calls myself, if Sloane's feeling overwhelmed...

I'm not. Thank you. I've got everything under control.

Even Caitlin?

Of course.

Sloane?

We've got a problem.

Caitlin?

CAITLIN: (ON VIDEO) I know you!

ANDREW: Oh, God! She's drunk. Again.

SANTA: Oh, ho, ho!

Is she trying to tank her career?

I shouldn't have had that fifth margarita.

(VOMITS) Oh, dear!

(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING) WOMAN: All right, we're going. Come with me.

Caitlin Quinn does not make enough money to behave this badly.

One of you two... I'm on it.

I'll make sure they take it down.

Great.

Anything I can do to help?

Yeah. Can you get me a Red Bull?

(SCOFFS) I'll take one, too.

Thank God you're here, so I don't have to deal with this idiotic...

Caitlin! Can you believe they sold that video to the tabloids?

Stupid elves, always looking to make a buck.

I need you to fix this!

I know, I know. It's an elf thing.

You're the victim here. But don't you worry, 'cause Sloane is gonna take care of everything, all right?

All right.

This is cold.

Sweetie, listen. You know we all love you, but you gotta stop doing stuff like this.

Like what? Let me see.

Attacking Heidi Montag at the VMAs.

She provoked me.

Getting arrested for smuggling drugs across the Mexican border?

They were diet pills.

Two hundred of them?

The camera adds 10 pounds.

Okay, what about shoplifting a $4,000 coat from Prada?

(CHUCKLES) Look, I told you, I wasn't shoplifting.

I was just so drunk that I forgot I'd tried it on.

Oh, okay, I guess I should have told the public that.

Look. Caitlin.

You're starring in a family movie now, and believe it or not, there is such thing as bad publicity.

Snow Angel, it can make or break your career.

If you blow this, you might not get another chance.

So you might want to be just a little bit more careful with the way you present yourself to others.

Like now, for instance.

Caitlin! Hmm?

Oh, I'll put it back.

The story's contained and Caitlin promised to lay low until after the movie's released.

It's good work, Sloane. It's really good work.

Good enough to get me the promotion to VP?

I don't know, that's a big step.

Well, you are the son of the firm's president.

Is there anything that I can do to help influence that decision?

Like this?

Or maybe this, or...

...this?

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Well, that works for me.

Just promise me you won't try to influence my dad the same way.

(GIGGLING)

Are you coming over later?

It'll be a lot later. I've got a client meeting tonight.

But I'll tell you what, why don't I take you out tomorrow night and we'll celebrate your victory in handling this whole Caitlin mess.

And we'll go someplace special. Like, say, Panache?

Really? (GASPS) That would be amazing!

I've been dying to go there.

I know. So, why don't you call them and get us some reservations. Okay?

Will do.

Okay, that's my girl.

(SIGHS)

I talked Caitlin off the ledge.

Oh, it's a Christmas miracle!

Well, Andrew thought so.

You know, I stopped caring about who you date exactly two seconds after I dumped you.

(CHUCKLES) First of all, I dumped you.

(LAUGHS) Second, it's just pitifully obvious how jealous you are that I'm gonna get get the VP slot instead of you.

I think it takes more than sleeping with the boss to get a promotion.

Yeah, it's gonna take turning the Snow Angel party into the event of the decade.

Once I do that, I'm a shoo-in for VP.

I'll get the best clients, the corner office, bonus, use of the company jet, basically everything you ever wanted, and that makes you crazy.

It's not a contest, you know.

Oh, yes, it is.

And I'm winning.

VIVIAN: Let's go in here. Ooh!

I need to decide what Larry's buying me for Christmas!

Ooh, that one would look stunning with the red dress that I'm wearing at brunch on Christmas morning.

I wish you were there to see it.

I told you, I have to work all day Christmas.

Of course. I just...

We used to have so much fun on Christmas mornings.

Getting all dressed up, posing for pictures by the Christmas tree.

Remember? Of course I do.

Oh, I know. Have Larry take a picture of you and email it to me.

Will do.

I'll see that one, please. Certainly, madam.

Here, hold your brother.

(SCOFFS) Mom, please don't call him that.

Now, how come Larry isn't getting you your present himself?

He's in Cleveland on business till the 24th.

He doesn't have time to shop.

Pretty. Pretty expensive!

The more it costs, the more Larry knows he loves me.

That's not very romantic.

Darling, men come and go, but diamonds are forever.

(CHUCKLING) You want one? Yeah?

I think your brother wants one.

Please don't call him that.

SLOANE: Hey, Jenny! I know you're gonna be shocked.

I'm late. Again. I'll see you in five.

Oh, my God, this is fantastic!

It is a chestnut tartlet with a tangelo glaze.

Hey, it's insane.

Your customers must eat this up.

Well, they would, if we had any.

It's probably slow 'cause of the holiday.

And I would eat this every day.

Good. I'm thinking about making it for Christmas dinner on Saturday.

Oh, about dinner...

You can't come.

I'm sorry, I have to work.

On Christmas Day?

Oh, Sloane Spencer makes a rare appearance.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Merry Christmas, Ed.

What's up with Scrooge?

He's worried about money. We both are.

I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to open a restaurant in LA.

Uh, because you're an amazing chef. Always have been.

You know, you're the reason for my freshman 15.

Oh, come on!

Who knew that truffle oil was so good on top of mac and cheese.

My specialty.

And once people realize how irresistible your food is, you're gonna have a line outside the door.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. (CELL PHONE BEEPING)

I know that people would love this place, if they'd ever heard of it.

But I just don't know how to get the word out.

So, I was hoping that maybe you could help me, since you are the best publicist in the entire city.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, what this place needs is star power.

Okay. We'll get the celebrities in here, we'll get the paparazzi out there, and you'll get a full house, guaranteed.

Do you still have those gift certificates left over from the grand opening?

They're in the storeroom.

Oh! Could you give them to some of your famous clients?

(GASPS) No.

I'll give them to all my famous clients.

(EXCLAIMING) I'll put them inside our company gift bags, and I promise you, by New Year's, this will be the hottest place in Hollywood.

Oh, my gosh! Thank you so much!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) You have no idea...

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Hey, Aaron.

I'll go get the gift certificates.

Yeah, you better be calling me with some good news, or you will be singing Christmas carols as a soprano!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi, Caitlin. What's up?

Hey, hey. Okay.

Do you know if you need a passport to go out in the ocean, since technically you're leaving the States?

Oh, God. Caitlin, what have you gotten yourself into now?

Nothing, nothing. I just met this awesome guy who owns a yacht and he's taking me sailing!

Caitlin, no.

Do not get on the boat. Promise me.

Oh, my gosh, it's not a boat, Sloane, it's a yacht!

Promise me!

Fine. I promise.

Okay, we just talked about this.

You promised to not get into any trouble until...

I said fine, party-pooper!

MAN: Here you go!

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPS)

(CHOKING)

(RINGING)

Hello? Caitlin?

(DISTORTED CHATTER)

Sweetie, it's a bad connection. Call me back.

(HANGS UP)

(SIGHS) I swear, if you're calling me from the middle of the Pacific, I will swim out there and drown you myself.

(SIGHS)

(RINGING)

Hello? Caitlin? Hello? CAITLIN: (DISTORTED) Hello? Hello?

Hello? (COMPUTER BUZZING)

Sloane. Sloane. Sloane.

Sloane. Caitlin?

(STATIC HISSING ON TV) Hello? Sloane.

(PHONE RINGING) Sloane. Hello? Sloane.

Hello? Hello? Sloane.

Sloane. Sloane. Oh, my God, shut up. Shut up!

Sloane.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Caitlin! Jeez! Oh, my...

You scared me to death! How did you get in here?

(IN DEEP TONE) Sloane Spencer, time is running out.

You must change your ways or pay the price.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God. How good was that?

You know, I should have totally won Best Actress at the Teen Choice Awards last year.

Stupid Dakota Fanning.

Okay. you know what, sit down. Sit down.

What happened? Did you break up with a boyfriend or something?

Oh, God, please don't tell me there's a sex tape.

This isn't about me, Sloane, it's too late for me.

But you still have a chance. A chance for what?

Not to die alone.

Okay, are you drunk?

No!

Okay, maybe a little.

I mean, I only had, like, one, two, four...

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) That bottle.

You know what, that's not the point.

(IN DEEP TONE) For the next three nights, you will be visited by three ghosts at the stroke of midnight.

Three ghosts? You mean like Dickens' three ghosts?

Exactly. They're gonna give you your only shot at redemption.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna go home now, and tomorrow morning, we're going to go see about getting you some professional help, okay?

It'll be completely confidential.

Promise.

I'm not the one who needs help, Sloane.

All right, that's it. I put up with a lot with my clients, but I've never...

How did you do that?

Listen to me, Sloane. Listen to me!

Go away!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Get out of my house!

Babe, are you okay?

(SIGHS)

Yes. Yes. I am.

The craziest thing just happened. Caitlin...

Oh, God, you haven't heard.

Heard what? Turn on your TV.

Quinn was dancing on this spot earlier this evening when she apparently choked to death on an olive while drinking her martini.

Too bad it wasn't an apple martini, or she'd be alive today.

Back to you.

(GASPS)

Thank you.

Hi, I was told Caitlin Quinn was brought here?

Are you family?

I'm her publicist.

PATRICK: Sloane.

Oh, my God. Sloane Spencer.

Come here. Patrick? Oh, my God!

I can't believe it!

How many years has it been?

Too many. I'm so happy to see you.

What are you doing here? I work here.

What are you doing here? What, are you sick?

No, I'm here to see one of my clients.

(WHISPERS) Caitlin Quinn?

Come on. I'll take you to her.

Wow. It's good to see you. You, too.

I just had to see for myself.

I can't believe it. She's dead.

I told her to stop getting into so much trouble.

Hey, you can't blame yourself.

(SIGHS) No, you don't understand.

Her movie premiere is in three days!

I know. It's hard to lose someone so young, with so much ahead of them.

This is a nightmare.

I'll give you some time alone with her.

Say your goodbyes.

(SIGHS)

Do you think that gurney makes me look fat?

(GASPS) No. No, no, no, no. This is impossible.

You're dead! That is your body.

Yeah, draped in the tackiest sheets ever.

What is this, polyester?

All right. This isn't happening.

Seriously.

They need to swap this out for Egyptian cotton before anyone else views me.

No, no, no, no, no. You aren't happening.

How could you be talking to me if you're dead?

I'll give you a hint.

Boo! (GASPS)

You're... You're a ghost?

Yup. Just like Marley from A Christmas Carol.

Okay, no. This isn't real. You're dreaming. You're dreaming.

Wake up, Sloane! Wake up!

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

You awake now?

PATRICK: Sloane?

What's the matter? You're covered in sweat.

Are you okay?

I see dead people.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I've heard you have your first psychotic break in your early 20's.

Do you think that's what's happening to me?

No. You're not crazy.

(SIGHS) I promise.

I had a conversation with a dead celebrity.

It was a hallucination, a reaction to your friend dying.

Oh, no, we weren't friends.

Okay, still. Stress messes with the head.

It makes you see things that aren't there.

So you don't believe in ghosts?

Sure I do. Really?

Absolutely. When I was in the tenth grade, we had this seance at a slumber party, and I promise you the Ouija board moved on its own.

It said that Christina Aguilera was gonna go to the prom with me.

She didn't, but that's not the Ouija board's fault.

Sloane! Come on. Wake up!

You don't need an exorcist. You need just a vacation.

I know! I need to just chuck everything and lie on a beach in the middle of Hawaii.

(PHONE BEEPING)

I should be able to get off of work sometime in January of 2018. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, you know what, Sloane, you're right.

Who needs Hawaii when you can have LA traffic, dead celebrities.

Hmm. Impending schizophrenia?

I've missed you.

Whose fault is that?

You didn't have to leave.

Yes, I did. It was med school. It was my dream.

What else was I supposed to do?

I know. I just... You could have come with me.

In fact, I thought you were coming with me.

I couldn't. Could you imagine me, stuck out in the middle of nowhere, working as a cashier at a Pick 'n Save, while you're at your classes?

What kind of life would that have been?

(PHONE BEEPING)

You better get that.

I guess I better.

(ALARM RINGING)


(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)

I know, I know. You're startled by my good looks.

Okay. You are not really here.

No, no. This is a figment of my imagination, caused by too much stress.

Who are you trying to convince here, you or me?

Leave me alone!

(GASPS)

Damn. Does he do Pilates? Yum.

Go away!

Wow! That's a nice way to start the day.

No. I mean, yes, maybe later. Go back to sleep.

(MUFFLED) Mmm. I can't breathe. Honey?

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

That never gets old. What do you want?

I told you. I was sent to give you a warning.

"Change your ways, (DISTORTED TONE) or suffer the consequences."

Sent by who? God?

The universe? Freaking Tom Cruise?

Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention.

(SIGHS) Why not?

I thought I saw Michael Jackson.

Morning, babe.

A little early for vodka, don't you think?

It's not mine. It's hers. It's Caitlin's.

Yeah. He can't see me, you know.

Look.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) It's in...

It's in honor of Caitlin.

Doesn't seem like she's really gone.

Oh, honey. I can't believe it either.

She was so young and full of life and...

(BEEPING) Hey, coffee's ready!

The good news is, I have decided to put you in charge of Caitlin's memorial service.

(EXCLAIMS) Yes!

Uh, so how is that good news?

Pulling off a good funeral is like the litmus test for a PR agent.

Yup. This could get you a lock on that promotion.

Sure can. And since you're already working on the premiere party, it'll be cake. Cake.

Besides, I only deal with living clients.

Dead ones don't generate revenue.

(SCOFFS) What a jerk!

Ooh! That was kind of fun.

Don't!

Don't what?

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Put your coffee cup on the counter, please.

Wow. Okay.

I've got an early meeting, so I'm gonna run, but I will see you at the office.

(GIGGLES)

Okay, you've had your fun, you've given me your warning, will you just please go away, already?

Sorry.

Garlic? I'm a ghost, Sloane, not a vampire.

You're a pain in the ass! Now, get out!

Mmm, I don't think so.

Until you actually heed my warning, you're stuck with me.

Okay, I'll heed your warning right now.

Just tell me what I gotta do.

Change your ways. Change...

Change them how? To be better.

Okay. What do you need me to do? Specifically.

See, that's the other thing. I was in the bathroom when they explained that part.

Tiny bladder. This is so unfair.

You die, and I'm in hell.

Nice apartment.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh! Hold the elevator, please.

Oh, sir, your briefcase!

MAN: What the...

Wait, wait. Hey!

Morning.

Are you sure you don't want to just wait in my office?

By myself? Yawn.

Fine. Not a word.

CARL: Really nice work, guys.

That's exactly the kind of event that we were looking for.

So sorry I'm late, everyone, I was dealing with Caitlin all morning.

We were just getting to her. Have a seat.

Hey! Respect for the dead, missy!

You do realize this party needs to go on as planned, Caitlin or no Caitlin.

Yes, of course. I'm on top of it.

Oh, really? Because you missed your meeting with the caterers this morning.

Oh, my God. I completely forgot.

Don't worry. I will go call them right now.

Sit back down. Jason already handled it.

You're welcome.

Now, even though our client has expired before fulfilling her three picture deal, she can still generate revenue.

I remember '63...

Oh, Carl! Your old wrinkled hands would feel so good on my young, firm...

Back off! (CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS) I'm so bored.

I thought we were going to be talking about my memorial.

It's not a memorial, it's a party.

Sloane, you have something to add?

Well, since they're doing a memorial service for Caitlin...

(CLEARS THROAT) For Caitlin.

And since we're handling the premiere party why don't we just combine them to make them one big event?

Her tragedy...

Her tragedy will become a brilliant photo op.

That is a great idea!

You know, movie stars love opportunities to make the public think they actually care about people, and if we spin this right, we could get every A-lister in town to show up.

What do you think, Dad?

(CARL LAUGHING)

I love it! We'll turn Caitlin's death into a gold mine!

That's exactly what Caitlin would have wanted.

We'll make Saturday an all-day media extravaganza.

It will be the biggest PR event of the year.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna need everyone to work overtime between now and then, okay?

But Saturday's Christmas.

You said we could take the day off.

That was before I decided I needed you to work.

But we won't get to see our families.

Our client is dead.

Try and have a little heart.

(MOUTHING)

All right. Let's make this happen.

Hey, Sloane.

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, so after I met with the caterers, I confirmed the party with all the networks.

Well, you're just wasting your time because I already did that.

I was just waiting for them to call me back, so...

Oh, it wasn't a waste of time. See, Carl was getting worried, so I figured somebody around here needed to stop waiting and start doing.

Have a productive day.

(SIGHS)

(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Did you see the way that Jason sabotaged me with that whole catering thing?

He was helping you. Yeah, right.

There's only one VP slot opening up in the new year, and he's trying to steal it from me.

But he better watch out because I am going to throw the most talked about, star-studded event ever!

Awesome. How?

I have no idea. Good plan.

(SIGHS) I have three days!

Jason's right. I'm screwed.

Sloane, do you want to do some yoga?

Yoga?

No, I'm too stressed.

It's just a party.

It was. Now, we got to turn it into a celebration of your entire life!

Good thing I died young.

I have to make a career retrospective, make blowups of the stills of all the movies that you've been in, find other stars to make touching anecdotes about you, if they even have one.

And figure out a way to make "death by cocktail garnish" seem dignified.

It's three days before Christmas.

No one's in their office.

And even we don't have direct numbers to celebrities.

But I do.

What is this thing?

Aluminum man.

You paid money for this?

Sloane, I'm a movie star. Disposable income?

All right. Where did you say I could find these keys?

Under one of those little rocks.

Uh, yeah. That's really helpful.

You know, I feel kind of guilty breaking into your house like this.

Shouldn't your parents be coming over to take care of your things?

Oh, both my parents are dead.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, apparently it's hereditary.

So, what's going to happen with your stuff?

You know, maybe I should give some of it to my charity.

Right. Your charity.

No, seriously.

...as the new spokeswoman for Project Pearly Whites, I am thrilled to announce that we have already donated over 5,000 tooth-bleaching kits to the children of Uzbekistan.

They may be refugees, but now they have something to smile about.

That way, my legacy will live on in their hearts and gums forever.

Got it!

Wait. How did you...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Sloane, hey. It's Patrick.

Patrick. Hi!

Um... What's up?

You know, I know you were pretty upset last night.

Caitlin seemed like an awesome girl.

Aw!

I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

I mean, considering.

It's really sweet of you to call.

I must have seemed like a total lunatic last night.

(LAUGHS) Not to me, you didn't.

(CHUCKLES)

You still into country line dancing?

I know this great place in the valley.

What? Wait, wait, wait. When was I ever into country line dancing?

Try all through college.

No. Uh-uh. That was you.

You were into line dancing.

I only went along with it because I thought the boots were hot.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Well, you know, they also have really great tacos. You still like those?

Yes, I still like tacos.

(LAUGHS) All right. Then how about it, huh?

Say I'll pick you up around, I don't know, 8:00?

You wear the sexy boots, and I'll wear the oversized cowboy hat.

Great. I mean...

Yeah. Well, maybe.

You know, I have to check my schedule.

Can I call you back and then we'll, you know...

It sounds like a plan.

Oh, great. Okay, thanks. Bye.

What was that? What?

Why didn't you make a date with him?

I'm dating Andrew. Hello.

Please. Patrick is so much better than Andrew.

You're just saying that because he complimented you.

No. I like him because he's funny, he's gorgeous and he smells like cake.

I know. He does, right?

Stop. Anything with Patrick and I is all in the past.

I'm happy with Andrew. But Patrick...

Look. You want me to change my ways?

Well then, help me out with pulling off this party and getting that promotion, and that will change my entire life.

Fine.

There. That ought to do it.

I have got the phone numbers of everyone who's anyone in Hollywood.

Now you do, too.

Now don't you feel bad for yelling at me to go away before?

I do. I'm sorry.

(LAUGHS) You should be sorry! Sucka!

Okay, I've texted, emailed, tweeted, and IM-ed every big name in town.

I... Ah, that's it for me tonight.

I'm going to go home and get some sleep.

But it's almost midnight. So?

I told you.

(IN DEEP TONE) You are going to be visited by three ghosts at the stroke of midnight for the next three nights.

(IN NORMAL TONE) You know, I really should have won Best Actress.

Wait, so you mean... (SIGHS)

You mean the crap you said in my apartment last night was true?

What, you think I came back from the grave to hook you up with Brangelina?

I am so not in the mood to meet Casper tonight.

What? Where are we?

Why are you taking your shoes off?

Oh, I miss the feeling of fake grass beneath my toes. (CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

(CROWD CHEERING FAINTLY) Okay. What in the world is going on right now?

The clock just struck 12:00.

CHEERLEADERS: Are we ready? Yes, we are!

Yes, yes, yes we do!

We got spirit, how about you?

(CHEERLEADERS SCREAMING)

Oh, my God, is that... That looks like Brad!

He was my first boyfriend.

Well, my first everything.

(LAUGHS) You slut!

You! Put! Out!

She! Put! Out!

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, but what in the world is he be doing here?

Well, since I came here to help you change your ways by fixing your love life instead of the traditional, ordinary, boring ghosts like they have in Dickens, I've arranged for you to be visited by the spirits of three ex-boyfriends.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Brad is the Ghost of Christmas Past?

Actually, as your ex-boyfriend, he's the Ghost of Ex-mas Past!

I have got to cheer.

(WHOOPS) Merry Ex-Mas! All right!

That's what I'm talking about.

(WHOOPING) (WHISTLE BLOWING)

Wow! Brad, I can't believe it's really you.

Oh, my God, are you dead?

Yes, and it's because of you.

I guess you can die from a broken heart.

I'm just kidding! I'm not the actual Brad that you dated, I'm just his spirit.

The real Brad you know is alive and well, I swear.

So why do you look like him?

To help you emotionally access your past because, to you, Brad represents an idealized view of love.

It took me, like, an hour to memorize that.

Since you and Brad dated so long ago, I thought he'd be the perfect ex-boyfriend to show you your past.

I know you. You're in Blood Prom!

You're the one who got decapitated.

Sorority sister number two.

That was the first movie I ever did.

You were awesome in that.

I saw your boobs. Congrats.

Ghost of Brad, meet Ghost of Caitlin.

I hope you don't mind if I tag along with you guys.

Technically, I'm not supposed to horn in on the other ghosts' time, but I got bored.

That's cool, you should stay. Hang out with us.

Yeah. It'll be a blast!

Yeah, it will. Ready to get started?

Do I have a choice?

No. No.

(GASPS) Oh, my God, that's me and my mom!

Oh, you were so cute. What happened?

This is where it all started.

Okay, now, sweetie. what's the golden rule?

"It's just as easy to marry a rich man

"as it is to marry a poor one."

Good girl.

See, it's not really your fault you're so shallow.

You were just taught from a very young age.

Oh, so we're blaming all my problems on my mother?

Well, guess what, I'm nothing like her.

(LAUGHING)

Are you kidding? You're exactly like her.

Hey, Sloane. Can I talk to you for a second?

Hi, Darin, what's up?

You know the Snowflake Formal is next week...

I know, I can't wait.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh, are you going?

No. I mean, not yet.

I mean, I want to. Which is why I'm here.

See, I've always really liked you...

Oh, my God, here comes me!

Oh, my God, here comes Brad.

Hey, Sloane, want to go to the dance?

(GASPS)

I was hoping you'd ask.

Dude, you totally crotch-blocked him.

That was sweet.

(GIGGLES)

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

(BRAD AND SLOANE LAUGHING)

Who was that guy?

So, are you going to rent a limo?

Totally.

See that? This was the first time you left a guy hanging when someone better came along.

Not the last, though.

SLOANE: I cannot believe Mike finally called you!

I know!

Okay, I've been crushing on him for, like, ever.

So I need to wear something hot, maybe a little bit slutty, so that when we go out...

He'll want to stay in. Exactly!

Yes! (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Okay, what do you have in mind?

Okay, ideally, I would like to find something exactly like your worship-me dress.

Oh, okay. Okay.

But under 10 bucks.

Oh, what?

I know. I maxed out my Visa getting a plane ticket home, so I am broke.

Well, luckily for you, I know a little store called Sloane's Closet.

And I think you'll find exactly what you want in there.

JENNY: You'll let me borrow your worship-me dress?

SLOANE: Although, I'm sure if you're wearing the dress, I'm gonna have to keep the dorm room cleared out for the night.

Shut up.

You know, you're really lucky you have Patrick because he would worship you even if you were in a paper bag.

I am pretty lucky, aren't I?

Oh, well, speaking of clearing out...

Hi.

Oh, hey, babe.

Hey.

Hi, Jenny. Hi, Patrick.

Oh, how sweet. It's the guy you dumped me for!

I dumped you because I was going to college and you were staying back to work in a tollbooth.

See? Trading up.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Bye. Bye.

Okay, colored lights or red lights on the tree?

Colored. And blinking.

With at least one strand burned out.

(LAUGHING)

All right, it's my turn now. Christmas ham or Christmas turkey?

Turkey. Duh!

Ham is for Easter.

Never let my grandma hear you say that.

She'll clobber you with her basting spoon.

I'm not kidding. All right, all right.

Frosty or Rudolph?

The Grinch! Me, too!

Oh, I've got one. Okay.

Letters to Santa... Hmm.

...or sitting on Santa's lap telling him what you want?

Oh, the lap, definitely.

Well, I always figured I'd have a way better shot at convincing him to bring me the pony if I asked him in person.

(LAUGHS) Well, yeah, that never happened.

Well, here's your chance.

Go on, hop on up there. One lap, no waiting.

Yeah, but that's for the kids. I'm way too old.

No, no, you're not. Come on, it'll be fun.

Tell Santa to hear your Christmas wish list.

You know what? I've already got exactly what I want.

Come on.

Hey! Let's go, buddy.

Okay, smile.

(CHUCKLING)

Cute, Santa. Merry Christmas.

SANTA: Ho! Ho! Ho!

CAITLIN: This picture is adorable.

Looks like you guys were in love.

I never said we weren't.

Then how could you let this happen?


What'd you do, sneak out in the middle of the night?

No. I waited till he went off to class, and then I packed up my car.

Come on. He was going off to medical school in Iowa.

What was I going to do there?

Wear some overalls and watch the corn grow?

It was unfair of him to ask me to go with him.

Okay, so you didn't trade up from a guy, you traded up for what?

Glamour? A bigger paycheck?

Okay, I made a choice.

I'm allowed to breakup with a guy if I want to.

But you didn't even have the guts to tell him in person you were leaving him?

That's cold, Sloane. Even for you.

Hey, if I want the opinion of some dead B-lister, I'll ask, okay?

(MIMICS CAT MEOWING)

What? Two chicks fighting is hot.

Okay. What do you want from me?

He was my college boyfriend, that's all.

It's not like we were to spend the rest of our lives together.

He was going to propose?

I didn't know. How was I supposed to know that?

You couldn't have.

You didn't stick around long enough to find out.

(SCOFFS) It's barely a quarter carat.

I would have held out for something better, too.

Oh, you went for something better, all right.

You made trading up an art form.

(INAUDIBLE)

Wait, you slept with Jason?

You are such a slut!

I like it!

And you traded up from him to Andrew.

And that's where I'm going to stay.

No. What's so wrong with trading up?

The older you get, the more you know what you want.

But you're not going after what your heart wants.

All you care about is the shiny wrappings, not what's inside.

Bull. Andrew's everything I've been looking for.

He's powerful, ambitious, well-connected.

His family practically built Hollywood.

Plus, he's got an ass you just want to sink your teeth into.

Oh, yes, he does.

I'm not trading him in for anyone.

Hmm. But would he say the same thing about you?

No doubt.

You're not the only one looking for the shiniest penny.

What do you think he's doing all those late nights when he's not with you?

Meeting with clients.

Yeah, blonde clients willing to do anything to break into Hollywood.

You're lying.

Nice nap?

(SIGHS)

You know, I only got two hours of sleep, because of you and your damn ghost parade.

(SIGHING)

He was lying, wasn't he?

I thought you knew.

I mean, everybody knows.

Did you and Andrew...

Ew! No! He's like 30.

Gross.

Jeez, Sloane, you look exhausted.

You didn't let any clients see you like that, did you?

(EXCLAIMS)

The hell? What was that for?

The blonde!

Which blonde?

There was more than one?

SLOANE: I can't believe you cheated on me.

Sloane, it was one time and she meant nothing to me.

I can't even remember Sarah's name!

Sarah?

Sarah, Debra... Whatever.

Look, please give me a chance to make this up to you.

We've got our reservations at Panache tonight.

Let's go out, you and me, and just spend some time together, out of the office.

Let's not let my little mistake turn into a tragedy by losing our table.

Little mistake?

The only mistake I made was trusting you.

And those reservations are mine.

I'm going to dinner and you can't come.

Sloane...

(CHOKING) What the...

Is that vodka?

Oh, my God, where did that come from?

I'm sorry, Sloane. This completely sucks.

I know. I'm never gonna get that promotion now.

Andrew's father owns this firm.

Hell, he... He...

Hey!

He practically owns half of Hollywood.

And now that Andrew and I broke up, he'll probably fire me.

Might even have me blacklisted.

(GASPS) Oh, God!

I'm going to have to move to the Valley.

And do PR for people that are castmates on Rock of Love.

My life is over!

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Sorry.

It's fine.

Look, Andrew's a jerk.

You should go out and bang someone else to get even.

That's what I'd do.

Patrick!

I'm not going to sleep with Patrick to get back at Andrew.

Okay, well, why not sleep with Patrick for no reason at all?

Sloane! How you doing?

Uh, good, good.

You know, I am free tonight and I wanted to see what you're up to.

Uh, you want to go to dinner, Panache? 9:00?

Definitely.

See you then.

(BOTH SQUEAL)

Mission accomplished!

Hey, Sloane, I heard you and Andrew broke up.

Who's winning now?

(SCOFFS)

What a dill weed.

Yeah, screw him.

You know, we'll see who's laughing when I get that promotion.

Sloane, you know that Andrew...

Screw him, too!

You know what? He doesn't decide who gets the VP slot, his dad does.

And when I show Carl what a kickass memorial that I can throw, I will get the promotion whether I'm dating Andrew or not.

I am loving the new you.

Screw you all! We've got a party to plan.

SLOANE: Let's go to your house.

Okay, you have to help me pick out the most amazing dress to wear to my memorial.

I want to be the first person ever to make it on to the best-dressed list posthumously.

Sounds like fun.

Um, usually people wear something a little more conservative in the afterlife.

What did I die of, boredom?

You look like Big Bird.

I think we have a winner!

Damn! I am one hot corpse.

Okay, now what?

Well, uh, now I got to run.

Oh! I'm going to be late to meet Patrick for dinner.

Okay, you cannot go to Panache looking like that.

I'm seeing this patient, little girl, and she's, uh...

She stuck six string beans all the way up her nose, just one after the other.

Oh, my God, what did you do?

I told her she wasn't eating right.

(LAUGHING)

It's like deja vu, huh?

Us having dinner.

Hmm. Me telling terrible jokes and you...

Molting.

(STAMMERING) Okay, it was the only thing that fit.

I didn't have the time to find anything to wear.

I've been a little stressed.

It is a good thing you're dining with Dr. Love.

Dr. Love?

(CHUCKLING) Well, it's either that or Dr. Feel-Good.

Drink two of these. Call me in the morning.

You were always good at making me laugh.

Yeah?

Yeah, I miss that.

I miss you.

Yeah, well, I got to be honest.

I was a little nervous about meeting you tonight.

What? Why?

Ah, 'cause, you know, what if you'd changed, and you weren't the same girl that I'd fell in love with?

What I was really scared of is what if you hadn't changed and all those feelings came rushing back?

(SIGHING) Patrick.

Sloane.

Come here.

ANDREW: Sloane!

Andrew? What... What are you doing here?

Who's this guy?

This is my...boss, Andrew.

Andrew, this is Patrick.

Hey, how're you doing?

I was going to wait until Christmas to do this, but, um...

Okay! What's going on here?

Patrick, I am so sorry. I have no idea what he is doing.

Sloane, this morning you told me that the only way you would take me back was that if I could prove that I'm committed to you and only you.

Is this proof enough?

(LAUGHING)

Marry me.

What? (LAUGHING) Okay.

(STAMMERING) I don't know what to say.

ALL: Say yes!

I can't believe you did all this!

So, what do you say?

Yes!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)


SLOANE: (GIGGLING) Don't you love it?

It's beautiful.

Ah! Beautiful.

Wow! It's perfect for you.

Are you happy?

I'm ecstatic. We're getting married!

Sweet!

(EXCLAIMS)

Still?

I thought you'd be gone. Crossed over or whatever.

Why would you think that?

'Cause I heeded your warning and changed my life.

Oh, my God, it's a glacier!

Congratulations!

Now that is quite an improvement on the last ring he bought you.

What are you talking about?

That chip Patrick bought you in the past.

Caitlin. I didn't choose Patrick. I chose Andrew.

Well, good choice.

Come on! Look, I'm going to have it all.

The perfect job, the perfect husband the perfect life!

Yeah, well, it won't be perfect.

You know, you haven't changed your ways at all.

Not at all.

Hanging out by the ladies' room, loser?

I came to find you.

Why, to congratulate me on my engagement?

(LAUGHS) No, because it's midnight.

So what?

Do you want to tell her or should I?

Wait, you can see her?

Duh! I'm the last guy that dumped you.

I dumped you. Whatever makes you feel better.

Either way, I'm your most recent ex-boyfriend.

Sloane, meet the Ghost of Ex-mas Present.

Okay, so you're not the real Jason, you're just a spirit that looks like him.

Bingo. And I get to show you all the ways your bitchitude affects those around you.

Ooh, nice one!

Thank you.

Awesome. This is so much more fun than celebrating with my fiance.

Oh, you want to spend time with the people you care about?

Well, guess what, so does everyone else.

Don't cry, baby.

(SOBBING) We'll still have Christmas, just... a day late.

Because Mommy has to work on Christmas Day.

Meanie! I know.

What? We all have to make sacrifices for work.

But you only make them when they benefit who?

Oh! You.

Hey, babe.

Sweetie, we should talk about Christmas bonuses for the staff.

We'll be lucky to pay them at all.

It's that bad?

It is.

You know, maybe once Sloane's clients start using their gift certificates, business will pick up.

Don't hold your breath.

Oh! Oh, my God, I forgot.

I'll just take care of it tomorrow.

You're too late. The firm's gift bags are packed today.

You missed your chance.

At least I offered.

Oh, I'm sure that'll be a comfort to them when the business goes under.

ED: We're talking about Sloane Spencer.

I don't know why you even bother being friends with her.

She was my roommate in college.

What do you want me to do, just stop speaking to her altogether?

If that'll stop her taking you for granted?

Then yes.

Ed...

(SIGHS)

Oh! That was fun! You ready to go?

You're going to be so handsome!

(DOG WHINING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh! Hello?

Hey, baby. Bad news.

Uh, my business trip got extended a few days.

I won't be back tonight after all.

You're not coming home for Christmas?

Sorry, Viv, but it's a million dollar deal.

Tell you what, buy yourself something pretty, that'll cheer you up.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hello again.

SLOANE: Well, she can just spend the day with me.

I mean, no one wants to be alone on Christmas.

You're going to be busy working at Caitlin's party.

Unless you think your mom is worth skipping it.

(LAUGHS) No, I can't skip that, I'll lose the promotion for sure.

I'll just see her on the 26th. Who cares?

Not you. That's for sure.

VIVIAN: I think you need a little brother.

Purebred, show quality, wildly expensive little brother.

All right, one more look at Ex-mas Present to go.

MAN: (OVER EARPIECE) I just heard we're doing six days on location in Mexico.

Are you happy?

Hell, yeah! I'm ecstatic! We're getting married!

Sweet!

You're damn right, it's sweet. It's fantastic.

I don't believe it. He was on the phone the entire time?

Yep.

Hurts when someone you care about ignores you, huh?

So, why are you showing me this?

This isn't me doing anything wrong. I'm the victim here!

No, you're not. He is.

Patrick.

God, he left?

Guess he doesn't like threesomes.

I can't believe I didn't even notice him leave.

Wait, why are we watching this?

To try and make you realize that your actions have consequences.

If you go on treating people like this, you're going to end up alone.

That's what I meant by changing your ways, Sloane.

Fine. I'll call everyone and apologize.

(LAUGHS) It's going to take more than words, Sloane.

All right. Well, Caitlin's party is in exactly 33 hours and 10 minutes.

So, once that's done, I'll make nice with everyone, okay?

Oh! She's going to make nice with everyone.

Hmm, imagine that.

You just don't get it, do you?

Hi, Patrick, it's me again.

I really need to talk to you, so can you call me?

Bye.

CAITLIN: Still not calling you back, huh?

Some people are so inconsiderate these days.

I feel like I haven't slept in three days.

Well, you've been running around with ghosts all night, what'd you expect?

I, on the other hand, feel better rested than I have in my entire life!

Hmm. Death'll do that to you.

(SIGHS)

How you doing, babe?

I'm upset. I got in a fight with someone, and I'm not sure how to make things right with him.

Well, get him a basket of pears from Harry and David or something.

We can't afford to lose anymore clients now that Caitlin's gone.

He's not a client. He's... (SIGHS) A guy I knew in college.

Oh! So no biggie.

But it is. He's my friend.

I think I hurt his feelings and...

Babe, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm really under the gun here.

Can we talk about this later?

Oh, sure, I guess.

I'll tell you what.

Go out and buy yourself something pretty. It'll cheer you up.

Thanks.

CAITLIN: You guys are going to have an awesome marriage.

Oh, my God. I am trying, okay?

I can't fix a lifetime's worth of relationships in one day.

Well, try harder.

(OVER PHONE) Hey, Jenny! It's Sloane.

Hey, sweetie, I've got my hands full. Can I call you back?

I really need to talk to you.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

Yeah, I just...

It's just I've been thinking.

I know that my work has been taking up a lot of my attention lately, and I just wanted to tell you...

(WHISPERING) 9-1-1!

I need to call you back.

Ella, what's wrong?

I was watching the DVD of Caitlin's career retrospective and it includes the COPS episode where Caitlin got arrested for shoplifting (WHISPERS) herpes medicine.

Okay, that whole thing was so not my fault.

What? I was gonna pay for it, but the pharmacy guy was smoking hot!

Okay, you want me to go over there and be like, "Hello, can I buy some ointment to put out the fire in my underpants?"

No! It's humiliating!

Oh, and there's nothing embarrassing at all about stealing it?

Um...

Are you sure?

'Cause I think it's a little embarrassing.

We put a copy in every gift bag. All 2,000 of them.

Oh! I mean, yes.

You're right. Get the gift bags back, right away.

Got it.

You know, what I want to know is why in the world would someone that good-looking become a pharmacist?

Hey, Jenny! It's Sloane again. I'm really sorry.

Hey! What happened? Are you okay?

It's just I'm surrounded by crazy people here at work and they just won't leave me alone.

Try being married to Ed!

Okay, he is so stressed out, he's acting like a total lunatic.

This morning, I literally caught him talking to a Cornish game hen.

(LAUGHS) As long as the chicken's not talking back to him.

(LAUGHING) Seriously.

But you know what? He's going to chill out once business picks up and people start using those gift certificates you sent out for us.

Oh! The gift certificates.

You didn't send them out, did you?

Um...

Sloane! You promised!

I know, and I'm really sorry.

There's just been so much going on with work.

Did you hear? You got the promotion!

What?

Sloane? Uh, Jenny, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to call you back again, I'm really, really sorry. But I need... Sloane!

I got the promotion?

(CHUCKLING) Uh-uh! You gotta be kidding me, right?

Of course I'm kidding.

Why would they promote you?

Listen, you little jerk.

So far today, I've set up visas with the state department to allow the Vienna Boys Choir to perform at the premiere.

I've arranged transpo and housing for 23 of Caitlin's childhood friends.

I just confirmed Lady Gaga to sing Paparazzi, Caitlin's favorite song, and I just negotiated with Elton John to rewrite Candle in the Wind to sing at Caitlin's graveside.

I haven't showered, I haven't slept, I've got ex-boyfriends popping up left and right and you want to take out your prepubescent insecurities on me, to make yourself feel better?

It was just a joke.

I don't have time for jokes!

Now, will you please excuse me.

Oh! Have a productive day.

CAITLIN: Well done. SLOANE: Thank you.

I've to call Jenny back.

Yes, you do.

Jenny! It's me again.

Oh, hey, Sloane. Can you hold on just a second?

(SIGHS)

She hung up on me.

(MIMICS CAT SCREECHING)

What? Brad was right. Chick fights are hot.

Maybe you should send her a basket of pears.

11:30.

It's almost Christmas, you know.

If you want to make things right with Patrick, you kind of need to do it now.

Where do you think I'm going?

PATRICK: Hey, man.

It is really, really late, and you need some sleep so Santa can come.

All right?

Did you hear that?

I think I just heard reindeer on the rooftop.

Close your eyes. Come on. Gotta get some sleep.

(CHUCKLES) Goodnight, buddy.

Patrick? Uh...

Patrick! Wait!

What?

I wanted to explain to you about last night.

No, that's okay, I understand.

I mean, what, we've been apart for years.

It would be silly for me to think that you hadn't met somebody else in all this time, but what I don't understand is why you felt the need to flaunt it in front of me.

Flaunt it?

What do you mean?

We were on a date.

And you left in the middle of that date to get... Oh, what was that? Engaged!

What kind of a person does that?

Look, you don't understand.

I thought that Andrew and I had broken up.

He cheated on me, see, so I called you...

To get back at him?

Kind of.

Who are you?

Excuse me? Who are you?

I'm me, Sloane, the same girl that you fell in love with in college.

No, no, you see, that Sloane, she was warm and funny and she cared a lot about people.

You're nothing like her.

I can never fall in love with a girl like you now.

That's a terrible thing to say.

Yeah, well.

The truth hurts.

Wait. Where are you going?

Home.

You're not going to go straighten things out with Patrick?

No. He made it clear how he feels.

If he changes his mind, he knows where to find me.

Sloane, he was just mad.

I'm sure if you talk to him, he'll know that you're not as horrible a person as you seem.

Thank you.

Come on, you know what I mean.

Look, you have to go back there and apologize to Patrick.

Only thing I need to do is go over the invites for the final list for the party.

Seriously?

After all that, you're still putting work first?

It's all I have left.

Merry Christmas...

Sloane.

Midnight.

You? You mean, you're the Ghost of Ex-mas Yet To Come?

Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I never banged Santa.

(LAUGHING) Actually, that sounds like something Caitlin would do.

Where did she go?

She can't come on this one.

Her future ended the moment she died.

But she will be there when I wake from this, in the morning.

What? Why not?

She's gone.

But she can't be gone for good. I...

I'm not ready.

You do realize that Caitlin is dead, right?

Whether she leaves now or later, she is gone forever.

But I never got to say goodbye.

Well, you had plenty of chances. You just wasted them all.

Well, aren't you jolly!

It is time to go see what your future holds, Sloane.

No, I really don't have the time for this.

I'm afraid you don't have much time left, period.

It is now officially Christmas Day.

Your future is about to be sealed, and once it is, you can't change it.

Let's go.

(MOCKING) Let's go.

Okay, I'm heading out now.

Are you sure you wouldn't like to come join my family for Christmas dinner?

I hate the thought of leaving you here all alone.

I won't be alone. I'm spending Christmas with my daughter.

But she couldn't come visit this year. Remember?

What are you talking about? Sloane is right here.

Sloane? Sloane? Where are you?

Where is she? Where's my daughter? Sloane? Sloane!

Oh! There she is!

(LAUGHING)

Bad girl! Bad girl.

Wandering away from Mommy!

See? We always spend Christmas together.

Merry Christmas, Vivian.

Merry Christmas! Say Merry Christmas, Sloane!

Merry Christmas.

SLOANE: Holy crap. She's gone insane!

SANTA: No, she hasn't.

She thinks that dog is me.

I mean, she always referred to them as my brothers, but as far as I knew, she understood that I'm a human being.

If she's not crazy, then what is she?

Lonely.

That's my little girl.

Oh, you had me so worried.

Never leave Mommy. Never.

SANTA: After her fifth husband...

SLOANE: Larry's her fourth husband.

I know. Carlos is her fifth.

And after he moves out, she will fall apart.

And since you certainly can't be bothered with caring for her, she becomes obsessed with dogs, whom she knows love her unconditionally.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

And you sound like an idiot speaking in the future tense.

That's because it's your future.

Come on.

VIVIAN: Oh, you had me so worried. Never leave Mommy. Never.

Hey. Hey.

Good lord, what's she wearing?

When the restaurant went out of business, the only job she could find was waiting tables at the local Applebee's.

Oh, okay, I refuse to take the blame for that.

Sloane sent us a card. Want to see it?

No.

Okay, that was harsh.

We're supposed to be friends.

But you never acted like one.

Jenny got tired of always being rejected by you, so she just gave up.

Sooner or later, everyone does.

Oh, we're visiting Patrick now?

Awesome. I can't wait to see how he's stopped caring about me now, too.

No, we're not going to visit Patrick.

Actually, after you walked away from him tonight, you will never see him again.

But I thought you said he still loves me.

He does. But you don't care about love anymore.

Do you?

Okay, screw you, Santa! Of course I care about love. I'm engaged.

So that means that you're lying.

And if you guys are my exes, and I'm getting married to Andrew, then I'm not going to have a future ex-boyfriend.

(LAUGHING)

Wrong again.

How can you be my ex? I thought we get married.

Yes, we do. We also get divorced.

What? Why?

Well, we wanted different things.

You wanted power and prestige. And I wanted...

The blonde.

Oh, can the theatrics. In the end, we both got exactly what we wanted.

What do you mean?

You take half my assets in the divorce.

Half my clients, half my company. You're set for life.

Come on, I'll show you.

You can afford the best of everything.

WOMAN: Much better. Yes.

(ALL CHATTERING)

SLOANE: If we're not here to see Patrick, then what are we doing here?

Where are we going?

To see what all of your money and promotions and power got you.

Is that... Is that me?

It is.

But I look so young.

Where are my flowers? Where are my visitors? Why...

Why am I all alone?

Because this is the way you've chosen to live.

No, no. I didn't choose this.

I never chose to be alone.

But this is what you got.

All of your wealth, success...

(SNIFFLING)

It comes to nothing.

It doesn't have to happen like this.

I'll change.

It's too late, Sloane.

No! I can fix this! It hasn't happened yet!

It's too late.

You've already made your choice.

That ring is on your finger.

Patrick's heart is already broken.

Caitlin is in the ground.

Christmas is over.

Please! Please don't let this happen to me!


(RINGING)

Caitlin? Where are you?

Caitlin!

God, why are you shouting?

(SIGHING) I thought for sure you would be gone.

No. The future's not quite here yet.

What day is it?

It's Christmas. Morning.

It's not too late?

(GASPING)

I'm not too late? I can fix things?

Yes, but you have to hurry.

Right.

No, Sloane, where are you going?

The party's this way.

Sloane, come on! We cannot be late for my party!

I know, I know. I gotta find something.

It's really, really important!

More important than my party? I don't think so.

Sloane! This is my night. It's all about me.

Is that it?

This is it. Okay. Let's go!

SLOANE: Hey, Andrew, I need to get a couple of things done before the party, so I'll just meet you there, okay? Bye.

Does dinner come with a show?

(CAR HONKING)

Merry Christmas!

(SCOFFS)

Hey!

(CAR HORNS BLARING)

Happy Holidays!

(PEOPLE HOOTING)

(PIANO PLAYING CAROLS)

You didn't get a second puppy?

The breeder didn't have any males, and Schatzi wants a little brother.

How did you know about that?

(LAUGHS) It doesn't matter.

All that matters is that I'm here.

I didn't think I'd see you today.

Of course I'd come see you.

It's Christmas, we should spend it together.

I love you, Mom.

Huh.

Well, I love you too, sweetie.

Okay, now get yourself together, 'cause we are going to a party!

(LAUGHS) Oh! Can I bring your little brother?

(SIGHING) Oh, Mom, don't call him that.

But, yes, you can.

(GIGGLING)

Your sister's taking us to a party.

(GASPING) I knew you'd come! I knew it!

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Never!

And you brought your mom!

I hope you don't mind me showing up without an invitation.

The more the merrier! Get your butt in here.

(LAUGHING)

I thought you had to work today.

I do. Uh, but I just wanted to swing by here first.

To drop off your mom.

And to apologize for the way that I've treated you.

I've been losing a lot of friends lately, and I couldn't stand if I lost you, too.

Never. You're not getting rid of me that easily.

Okay, I'm going to be back as soon as I can.

I just need to go take care of your Christmas present.

But you already got me that sweet baseball cap.

(GIGGLES)

Your real present.

You're thinking what I'm thinking?

I am.

(CLEARING THROAT) Yeah.

I will see you later. Okay, bye.

Okay. Hurry back!

Hello.

Hey! What are you doing here?

You told me we were working today.

No, no. You know what?

Take the rest of the day off.

Really? Yeah, it's Christmas.

Go home and be with your daughter.

Son. Max.

Sorry! (LAUGHS) I'll see you on Monday.

(WHISPERING) We already pulled all the incriminating DVDs of Caitlin.

Oh, good. Then there'll be space for these.

Hey, I need you to put one of these in every single gift bag.

It's very important. Okay.

What are those?

Oh, gift certificates.

Just trying to help a friend's new restaurant take off.

We'll have every celebrity in town in there and that ought to do it.

That's really nice of you.

Wow, you just called me nice.

That's never happened before.

Can I still go home?

Of course. Merry Christmas! Go!

Sloane! You gotta admit, the camera loves me.

You think Caitlin's somewhere, watching all of this?

(SIGHING) Oh, yeah. Definitely.

And I think she's loving it.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

I'm coming to you live from the red carpet at the Snow Angel premiere party, where all of Hollywood has turned out in all its glamour to honor the memory of one of their own.

It is a moving tribute to a fallen star.

But don't you dare touch that remote because we've got this beautiful life, cut way too short, covered from every imaginable angle, right here on SHOWBIZ.

Whoo! It's going to be a fun night.


There you are!

I need to talk to you.

And I need to talk to you, Ms. Vice President!

Oh, you mean I got the promotion?

I just got word from my dad.

Oh, my God! (GASPING) That is amazing!

Congratulations.

Uh, but that... It's gonna make this even harder.

What?

Oh, God, uh, how do I say this?

Uh, my whole life, I was taught that relationships are based on what the other person can do for you.

Right.

Financially, emotionally, or in your career.

Mmm-hmm.

But I realize how wrong that is.

It's not about what someone can do for you, it's about how they make you feel when you're with them, or how you both feel.

Absolutely.

I don't want to feel like an accessory.

I don't blame you.

I need someone that can be there for me emotionally, that listens to me and loves me the way that I love him.

Andrew? Andrew!

Andrew!

Yeah, babe.

Of course.

I'm sorry.

Oh, come on, Sloane.

Mmm-mmm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(CAITLIN GIGGLING)

I couldn't resist. Once more for old times' sake.

So, mission accomplished, huh?

Did you get your wings?

Actually, it's more like a pitchfork.

No! (LAUGHS) I'm kidding.

Yes, I'm all set.

So, then I guess this is goodbye?

And you're gonna be okay?

You kidding? Heaven has an open bar!

And Heath Ledger and James Dean...

Yeah, sounds like heaven to me.

You know, I think that you're going to find a guy down here who's almost as perfect.

Well, um, I guess I'll be off.

Sloane, thank you for everything.

No, I should be thanking you.

You gave me a whole new life.

Well, goodbye.

Bye.

(ALL CHEERING)


Excuse me.

I heard about the promotion and I just wanted to say there's no freaking way I'm bringing you coffee.

(GIGGLES) Ever.

How about tea?

Deal.

I'm out of here.

Wait. You're leaving? Where are you going?

To get a life.

Patrick.

Patrick, um... I'm so sorry.

For what?

For everything.

For what I said at the hospital, for letting you leave the restaurant when Andrew showed up, for running away instead of taking your ring and becoming your wife.

How do you know about that?

I... I just know.

Most of all, I'm sorry that it has taken me until now to realize how I feel about you,

when, inside, I've known it all along.

I'm not that horrible girl that you saw at the restaurant, at least, not anymore.

I'm me, the Sloane you knew in college, and I would love the chance to reintroduce you to her.

She used to look something like this.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that you kept this all these years.

Of course I did.

It's a present from the man that I love.

(CHUCKLES)


Merry Christmas, babe.

Thank you.

Hey, Vivian.

Oh, my darling, you look so good.

You look beautiful. Haven't changed a bit.

I'm so glad you're here.

Me, too.

VIVIAN: Get back over there. Get back over there.

You got her, now, don't lose her.

(EXCLAIMS) I'm going, I'm going!

(LAUGHING)

Did I ever tell you the story about my three marriages?

My first husband, he was tall, and I was in love.

My second husband, he was short, but he was rich.

And my third husband, well, who knows, he might be under the table right now.

(LAUGHING)

Are you married?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Merry Ex-mas, Caitlin.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

ALL: Merry Christmas.