City Slickers (1991) Script

(roaring)

(soft instrumental music)

(Spanish thrilling music)

(crowd cheering)

(crowd chanting)

(crowd cheering)

(Spanish thrilling music)

(crowd chanting in foreign language)

(bulls bellowing)

(chanting in foreign language)

(banging)

(fireworks whistling)

(bulls bellowing)

(rock and roll music)

(screaming)

(rock and roll music)

Whose idea was this, anyway?

They're gaining on us!

(speaking in foreign language)

(rock and roll music)

(thudding)

[Mitch] Shit.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah!

(Valping)

(screaming)

[All] Wow!

(rock and roll music)

He's after me!

(screaming)

(groaning)

Phil!

(glass crashing)

Wow!

[Both] Wow!

(rock and roll music)

Oh, shit.

(rock and roll music)

[Ed] Jesus!

(screaming)

(Valping)

(rock and roll music)

(laughing)

Ed!

Go, Mitch!

Ah!

Ah, oh!

(rock and roll music)

Back, bull, back, bull, back, bull!

(bull bellowing)

Stop following me!

(bull bellowing)

Please!

(bull bellowing)

(screaming)

(lively instrumental music)

(groaning)

(train whistling)

(thudding)

(whooshing)

(thudding)

(farting)

(thudding)

(whooshing)

(waltz music)

(bumping)

(train whistling)

(bell ringing)

(thudding)

(playful music)

(bull bellowing)

(thudding)

(crowd cheering)

(playful music)

(whip cracking)

(lively orchestral music)

(whooshing)

(groaning)

(lively orchestral music)

(whooshing)

(gun firing)

(playful music)

(screaming)

Oops!

Does he know what he's doing?

Does he have any idea what he's doing?

Because, you know, I can't talk to him.

Ow!

Relax.

He's doing a beautiful job.

Sir.

El doctor.

Hello!

Don't sew up anything that's supposed to remain open, okay?

Okay.

(sighs)

(camera clicking)

What, are you taking pictures, Phil?

Are you kidding?

This is a Kodak moment.

Now, smile.

(camera clicking)

Oops! Oh, good, blind him with the flash.

Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity, please.

Dignity.

This is all your fault, Ed.

My fault?

Yeah, because you're a macho lunatic.

Phil and I are sheep.

[Phil] We're not sheep.

We are sheep.

We do every stupid thing he asks.

I didn't make you run.

No, it was a 2,000-pound rampaging animal spraying bull snot all over Spain.

That's what made me run.

You made me stand in front of it.

Come on, guys, group shot.

(bleeping)

I got a big "I told you so" coming from Barbara on this.

(bleeping) Maybe she won't notice.

(camera clicking)

(Mitch groans)

Honey, want a pillow?

It's a long flight.

No, thanks.

Come on, it's not that bad.

I look like your mother.

(Ed and Kim laugh)

[Ed] Here comes Mr. Bull.

(laughing)

[Kim] Yeah.

Kim, baby, do you want the aisle seat or the window seat?

Because whichever one you want makes me happy.

I don't care. Good, then take the window.

I wanna talk to Mitch.

Okay.

Be right back.

Miss me.

Admit it, pal, you had fun.

No-

Scuba diving is fun.

I mean, it's normal.

People do that.

Baseball fantasy camp, until Phil threw up on Willie Mays, was fabulous.

I was nervous, he was my idol.

I'll never forget Willie's face.

"Say hey, that's lunch on me!"

(laughing)

Phil, I'm standing.

Yes, dear.

[Arlene] I can't wait to get out of this country, these people.

You know, maybe it's just me, but I think our little adventures lately are becoming stupid, you know?

What did you call them?

Desperate attempt to cling to your youth?

Yeah, that.

That's bullshit.

Bullshit?

Ed, have you noticed the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get?

Soon, you'll be dating sperm.

[Kim] I'm back.

Okay.

I have just one more thing to say.

Target parachute jumping.

Ed!

Now, it's a smaller parachute, but you're traveling twice as fast.

Great! So when they find your body, they can bury it in a Sucrets box.

Phil said he'd go.

Phil wants to die.

I mean, if you were married to that, you'd wanna die, too.

Look at him.

He's pretending to be asleep so he doesn't have to talk to her.

It's a couple of little jumps from a plane.

And then what?

We go on safari, only the animals have guns and they hunt us?

Forget about it.

It's never enough for you, Ed.

I'm reading.

When's it ever gonna be enough?

(soft piano music)

(phone ringing)

Hi, Mom.

(Mitch's mother laughs)

[Mitch's Mother] It's September 8th, 1952.

We're driving back from your Aunt Marsha.

My water breaks.

Your father jumps the divider of the Saw Mill River Parkway and races me to Doctors' Hospital and...

(laughing)

At 5:16, out you came.

Oh.

Happy birthday, darling.

Here's your father.

[Mitch's Father] Hello, boy, happy birthday.

Hi, Dad, how are you?

[Mitch's Father] I'm losing feeling in my left leg.

Here's your mother.

[Mitch's Mother] Don't worry, he's fine.

So, what are you gonna do now, birthday boy?

Well, I thought I'd lie here another three and a half hours and then go to work.

[Mitch's Mother] Is Barbara with you?

No, she's working the streets and she likes to have breakfast with her pimp.

She should be in around 7:30.

Hi, Mom.

[Mitch's Mother] Give my boy a kiss, oh.

(sobbing)

I can't believe my baby's 39 years old.

(crying)

Bye, Mom.

[Mitch's Mother] Oh...

Bye...

Angel, birthday boy.

Oh!

Happy birthday.

(sighs)

Well, at least she said my age in years.

Usually, she uses months, like I'm still an infant.

"How's Mitch?"

"Oh, good, he's 168 months today."

Wow.

I look a year older.

Do I look a year older to you?

Honey, at 5:15 everybody looks a year older.

Do you know what I found yesterday?

[Barbara] Hm.

Hair in my ear.

[Barbara] Mitch.

I'm losing hair where I want hair and I'm getting hair where there shouldn't be hair.

I found four big fat ones on my back.

I'm starting to look like The Fly.

That's it, I'm canceling your birthday party.

Why?

[Barbara] Because your birthdays depress you.

No, they don't.

Oh, Mitch.

On your 30th birthday you said you couldn't see.

And then on your 34th birthday, you forgot my name for an hour.

Then last year, when I asked you what you wanted, you said a CAT scan.

I had a headache.

This year, let's just let it pass.

I wanna see my friends.

All right.

But I don't want people coming over here thinking they're in a Bergman film.

You've met my husband, Mr. Death?

I'll be good.

Yeah?

Because I don't need you any worse than you've been.

Wait a second, what does that mean?

[Barbara] Nothing.

Nothing.

Great.

(sighs)

Oh.

Ah.

(soft instrumental music)


Got a minute?

Hi. I only have a few minutes.

I have career day at Danny's school, so, I--

Yeah, it'll just take a second.

(lively music) What is it?

J‘ Pizza Guys, Pizza Guys J” J‘ Come on down to Pizza Guys J‘ I Be a happy, healthy fellow J‘ I Have some sauce and mozzarella J‘ J‘ At Pizza Guys J‘ So?

So.

So, it's stupid.

It's annoying.

It makes people change the station.

I didn't write it.

But you bought it.

You put it on the air three times a night during drive time.

People are having accidents.

You used to go out and get advertising.

You hustled.

You were creative.

Something bad came in, you fixed it.

You rewrote it.

You worked with it.

My God, we used to make fun of guys who bought crap like this.

What's going on with you?

Did you ever reach a point in your life where you say to yourself, "This is the best I'm ever gonna look, "the best I'm ever gonna feel, "the best I'm ever gonna do, "and it ain't that great?"

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Now, look, I'm the station manager.

I'm responsible for the quality of work here at the station.

So, till further notice, I have to insist on personally approving all the new spots.

What?

I can't make a deal without checking with you first?

Just till you get back on track.

So we're doing this job on 60th and 3rd, big frigging ballbreaker of a job, right?

And we got the area roped off, (kids laughing) you know, so that some schmuck don't walk through there and take a wrecking ball between the eyes.

(kids laughing)

All of a sudden, this woman, you know, with the big, dark glasses, the Bloomingdale's bags, she starts walking right through the ropes.

I yelled down at her, "Hey, you can't go there, you stupid bitch!"

(kids laughing)

And suddenly, this big steam fitting bursts and this enormous goddamn crane crashes right down on her legs, and she's screaming, "My legs, my legs!"

And I say, "No shit, your legs.

"You got a 2,000-pound goddamn crane on them."

(kids laughing)

Now, do you know how, in an emergency, you could get, like, superhuman strength?

I reach down and I lift this crane, and Ernesto's able to slide her out from under, and the doctors were able to save her legs.

So the moral is: don't walk where you're not supposed to walk because there may not be somebody with superhuman strength to save your little ass.

(kids laughing)

And don't do drugs.

That's it.

(kids cheering)

Thank you, Mr. Morelli.

That was very descriptive.

Daniel, would you introduce your father, please, and tell us what he does?

My dad's named Mitch and he's...

He's a submarine commander.

(kids gasp)

Danny!

[Boy] Submarine commander?

He works for WBLM radio.

[Boy] Ah!

Well, like Danny said, I work for WBLM radio.

Are you a disc jockey?

No, I'm not a disc jockey.

You know the commercials that are on the radio?

Oh!

Do you make all those commercials?

No-

Other people make the commercials.

I sell them time on our station for the commercials to be on.

So you decide which commercials to use and when?

That's right.

Well, no, it's not right.

It used to be right.

Seems now that I even have to check with the station manager if I wanna wipe my nose.

(kids chuckle)

The minute he took away my authority, I should have quit.

Mr. Robbins?

What?

(melancholic instrumental music)

Value this time in your life, kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices.

It goes by so fast.

When you're a teenager, you think you can do anything, and you do.

Your twenties are a blur.

Thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money, and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?"

Forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin.

The music starts to get too loud.

One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother.

Fifties, you have a minor surgery.

You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery.

Sixties, you'll have a major surgery.

The music is still loud, but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway.

Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale.

You start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, you have lunch around 10:00, breakfast the night before.

You spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering, "How come the kids don't call?

"How come the kids don't call?"

The eighties, you'll have a major stroke.

You end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call Mama.

Any questions?

Danny was embarrassed to tell the class what my job is.

They're nine!

They get excited about the guy who gives them change at the arcade.

You just happen to have one of those jobs that's difficult to...

Believe that a grown man does without losing his mind.

I mean, what is my job?

I mean, I sell advertising time on the radio.

So, basically, I sell air.

At least my father was an upholsterer.

He made a sofa, a couch you could sit on.

It was something tangible.

What can I point to?

Where's my work?

It's air.

I sell air.

What, so what are you saying?

You wanna quit?

How can I quit?

I'm trapped.

You're trapped?

Yeah.

The other day you said you wanna send Holly to a performing arts school.

She's got talent.

Talent?

She was in one play and she fell off the stage.

That's not talent, that's gravity.

And that school costs money.

Everything costs money. Bye!

[Barbara] Bye.

[Mitch] Where are you going?

I'm sleeping at Gwen's down the hall.

Again?

Are you paying rent there?

Oh, Dad.

We're having a birthday party.

I don't wanna sit around all night with your friends.

I told her it'd be all right.

We'll have a family party tomorrow.

(chuckfing)

Bye, Dad.

[Mitch] Bye.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

(melodic music)

Ah! (man laughs)

Let me show you how I pop my shoulder.

(POPPing)

[Man and Woman] Ouch!

Danny, Dan, come on, come on.

He's in the gifted program at school.

(laughing) Come on, go to sleep, huh?

Kim, you poor thing.

What has married life done to you?

I mean, you look like hell!

Six months.

Admit it, you didn't think Ed would ever get married.

Well, he met the right woman.

And how often are you meeting that woman?

You're lucky it's your birthday, pal.

(Kim laughs)

Excuse me, I see one of the guests is stealing.

(Kim laughs)

Your husband is so cute.

You must laugh all day.

Yeah, my sides hurt.

(laughing)

We saw a picture of you in a newspaper in your underwear.

Oh, well, that was an advertisement.

I sometimes model ladies' underwear.

You looked great.

Mom, you said, "Let's see how she looks

"after having two kids."

(people murmuring)

Daniel, time to go to bed.

We'll wake you for your wedding.

(grunts)

Phil.

Hello.

You're pretending to sleep at my birthday party.

Is she around?

(people murmuring)

She's in the kitchen.

This is quite a life you've carved out for yourself, Phil.

Phil!

Phil!

We're leaving.

We haven't had cake.

He hasn't even opened his presents yet.

Phil, you have to open the store at 4:30.

Daddy's counting on you.

15 more minutes?

(people murmuring)

Starting now.

(bleeping)

(people murmuring) (melodic music)

4:30 in the morning?

Hey, you know, you manage a supermarket, that's when the food arrives.

Don't you have an assistant or a kid or something?

Arlene's father likes me to do it.

"No free rides, Philly boy!

"No free rides."

But I'm telling you, they got me by the balls.

She's got one, he's got the other.

(sighing)

Do you ever think about quitting?

Yeah, sure, right.

That's just what I wanna do: start over with two kids to take care of.

No.

At this age, where you are, you are.

Hey, look who's awake.

Look, I have got 14 minutes, okay?

So can we give him the present?

Yeah.

What'd you get me?

Two weeks.

The three of us.

New Mexico.

Driving cattle.

What, like in a truck?

No, no!

Cowboys!

It's a real old-fashioned cattle drive.

We drive the herd from New Mexico to Colorado.

You can do this?

We ride, we rope, we sleep out under the stars.

Show him the brochure.

It's fantastic, Mitch.

[Phil] It's the newest thing, people do this!

It's great!

Wow, look at this.

Real horses.

Does look good.

Good?

It's great.

Cowboys, that's what you always wanted to be.

Remember Mitchy the Kid?

Right, Mitchy the Kid!

And it's right when your vacation comes.

We've been planning it for weeks.

I can't do it.

Why?

We're going to Florida to visit Barbara's parents.

What, are you sick?

No, it's planned already.

I promised.

I worked every weekend for a year to get this.

What's with you these days?

Nothing, you know, nothing.

It's just, I...

You know, I don't wanna disappoint Barbara.

(doorbell rings)

Who is that?

I know nine people and they're all here.

Excuse me.

(people murmuring)

[Barbara] Hi.

Hi, is Mr. Phil Berquist here?

[Barbara] Can I get you something to...

(dramatic music)

Mr. Berquist, your housekeeper told me where you were.

I'm in trouble.

What are you doing here, Nancy?

Who's on register nine? I don't know what to do.

Harumaki?

I don't think this is the time or the place to talk about this.

I'm late. What?

I missed my period!

Whoops!

What?!

I was at work and on my break, and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from aisle 11.

The ones on special?

Yes!

And it came up blue.

Why is she telling you this, Phil?

Because I'm...

I'm her boss and...

We have a health plan.

Son of a bitch!

You screwed this little girl in my father's store?!

No, no, no!

It was in his car!

Oh, Jesus!

And I'm not a little girl, I'm 20.

Get out of this house, you little whore.

Hey!

I will not permit you to talk to her that way!

Fine.

I'll tell my father what you did!

No!

Do not call Mr. Levine!

Hey, put down that phone! Phil.

Put it down. No!

No. Get, get off.

That's my phone! You're crazy!

That's right!

Not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!

Now, come on, you two, stop it.

Come on, not in front of your friends. Come on.

(groaning)

I'm not afraid of you!

(screaming)

I'll call from the bedroom!

The bedroom?

How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?!

[Arlene] I'm calling!

Go ahead, call him!

I'm sure he's home!

It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis.

[Arlene] I hate you!

I hate you more!

If hate were people, I'd be China.

Let's bring out the cake.

(clattering)

Good party.

It's...

Mitch?

Is that what you've been trying to tell me?

That you feel like Phil?

Like Phil?

Yeah, am I gonna be sitting here some night and some checkout girl comes here looking for you?

No, no, of course not.

I know you're not happy here.

You're not happy at work.

I know how men think.

"I'm not happy here, I'm not happy there, "I'll be happy here."

No-

You make me happy here.

No-

No, I make you feel trapped.

No, you don't, it's not you.

How do you think that makes me feel when I hear you say that?

I didn't mean you.

It's me.

I...

(dramatic music)

I just feel lost.

Kim was telling me about this cattle drive thing.

Oh.

Maybe you should go.

What about Florida?

You'll be miserable in Florida.

You'll make me miserable.

You hate my parents.

[Mitch] Look, I don't hate your parents.

Oh, come on, Mitch, you have known my father since you were 18 years old and you've never called him by his name.

What is his name?

It's a joke, I was just joking.

Look, I said I'm gonna go and I'm gonna go.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

I'm not saying it's all right if you don't wanna come with us.

(dramatic music)

I'm saying I don't want you to come.

(dramatic music)

Go away with Ed.

Take Phil.

I am giving you these two weeks.

It's my present.

Go and find your smile.

What if I can't?

We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

(dramatic music)

(thrilling music)

(men whooping) (thrilling music)


My ass hurts just watching this.

Are you kidding? (horse neighing)

This is fantastic!

[Man] Take him down, Hoss!

(groaning)

I wonder if I could do that to Arlene.

(cow mooing)

Phil, forget about it already.

I could do it.

You've seen her ears.

They must be the other guests.

[Mitch] I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.

Why not?

Why, look at it, it's got your name and your picture on it.

It's a little grotesque.

I'm proud of what I do.

So is the president.

He doesn't put his picture on his suit.

You guys guests here?

Yeah, we just got here a minute ago. I'm Mitch Robbins.

Ed Furillo.

I sell sporting goods.

[Mitch] Show him your jacket.

Yeah, I'm Phil Berquist.

I committed adultery.

Lost my job and my family.

His jacket's being made.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

I'm Ben Jessup and this is my son, Steve Jessup.

Where are you from?

Baltimore.

We have a dental practice there.

Really?

You're both dentists?

Yes.

We're black and we're dentists.

Let's not make an issue out of it.

They're not making an issue.

You're making an issue.

[Ed] Hello.

Isn't this great?

We're Ira and Barry Shalowitz.

Ira and Barry, that's like the ice cream.

No, that's us.

We make Ira and Barry's ice cream.

Really, I love that ice cream.

It's two...

Good-looking guys.

Models.

If it was us, could you eat?

(laughing)

Who is that?

I'm Bonnie Rayburn.

Actually, I was supposed to meet somebody here, but I got the message at the airport that she's not coming and...

I'm feeling really out of place.

I'm thinking of leaving.

[All] No, you should stay.

Right, right, right. Stay, definitely.

You know, when I was alive, I would have found her attractive.

(gun firing)

Howdy.

I'm Clay Stone and this is my wife, Millie.

How do?

[Mitch and Ed] Howdy.

Welcome to the Stone ranch.

Believe it or not, that work you saw a while ago, y'all are gonna be doing that the next two weeks.

Yahoo!

That's a good yahoo, son.

[Ed] Thank you.

Now, this ranch has been in my family for five generations, and we've always tried to live out here by the code of the Old West.

If you came out here thinking this is a dude ranch, I hate to disappoint you.

This is not pretend.

This is a real working ranch. to our ranch in Colorado.

This is gonna be great.

You may feel like a bunch of pigs on roller skates for a while, but we're gonna be watching you.

We're gonna see how you sit a horse.

And in a few days, you'll be rounding up a herd and going after strays.

And you're gonna be in some country that's just as pretty as heaven.

Now here's some of the folks you'll be working with.

This is T.R. and Jeff.

They're both professional cowboys.

And our trail boss will be in in a couple of days.

And this is the best doggone Western chef going.

Cookie, hook up!

Tell them what they're gonna eat.

You ain't gonna be getting no nouveau, almondine, thin crust, bottled water, sautéed city food.

Food's brown, hot, and plenty of it.

It's not that bad!

Now, listen, we're gonna go to work in the morning.

And I mean work.

You came out here city slickers.

You're gonna go home cowboys.

(horse neighing)

(country music)

What do you think?

I think you look like one of the Village People.

(lively instrumental music)


I'll take that shirt, too.

(lively instrumental music)

(groaning)

(horse neighing)

[Ira] Excuse me.

Here, boy.

Here, boy.

(groaning)

(horse neighing)

(lively instrumental music)

[Phil] Whoa!

(lively instrumental music)

[Mitch] You did it again. Boy, you're getting great, Ed.

See?

There's nothing to it.

Okay, your turn.

You'll do it this time. Okay.

It's wrist, wrist, wrist, go.

Okay.

That's it, wrist, wrist, wrist, go.

Will you stop kidding around?

I'm not kidding around.

I can't get this, I'm not good with ropes.

I can't even take the string off a bakery box.

(laughing)

[Barry] This time, run!

[Ira] Okay.

(Yalping)

(laughing)

[Barry] Yahoo!

[Ira] Hey!

[Both] Woof! Everyone can do it but you.

It's embarrassing.

It's not a competition, Ed.

Everything's a competition.

Life's a competition.

Come on, try it again.

(cow mooing)

How's it going?

Okay.

Where have you been?

Oh, I was watching them castrate a horse.

(horse neighing)

Well, I'm hungry.

How about you, hm?

[Jeff] Can I help you with that?

[Bonnie] No, thanks, I think I'm getting it.

(cow mooing)

Are you?

Are you getting it?

See this?

You see what's going on?

Yeah, I'll take the big one. Wait, wait, wait a second.

We are guests here.

What, are you gonna wrestle the cowboys?

I'm not gonna do nothing. Wait, wait, wait.

Hey, let me handle this, okay?

You know how you get.

It'll be High Noon.

[T.R.] Come on, let me help you out.

[Bonnie] Look, just leave me alone.

[Mitch] Oh, damn.

Come on.

Well, I can't, you see.

I'm in love.

Hi, boys, how are you?

Yeah, I was just roping over there.

Thought I'd mosey on over.

You know, I'd never moseyed before.

Hope I did it correctly.

I mean, I've walked, I've ambled.

I even sashayed once.

But that was in front of the draft board.

(laughing)

Hello!

(horse neighing)

Ooh, rough corral.

Bonnie, wanna come roping with us? Yes.

No, that's all right.

I think that Bonnie's talking with us, friend.

She's fine right here.

Guys, listen, what are you doing, huh?

This isn't exactly 90's behavior, I gotta be honest with you.

(dog barking)

You stepped on my foot.

He did not, you horse's ass.

Ed.

You want a piece of this?

Any time, Zeke.

How about right now, Stubby?

Fine.

(whooshing)

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

(coughing)

(dramatic music)

This man owes you an apology.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.

Not you.

Him.

Him, yeah, of course.

(dramatic music)

Uh-uh.

No.

(whooshing)

(screaming)

God, I'm sorry, ma'am, that'll never happen again!

(gasping)

Yeah, see that it doesn't.

(dramatic music)

I'm sorry, I thought we were on the same...

You're doing fine.

(dramatic music)

You guys were drinking.

Don't let it happen again.

Huh-huh.

(dramatic music)

Ma'am.

Did you see that guy?

That is the toughest man I've ever seen in my life.

(dramatic music)

(horse neighing)

Did you see how leathery he was?

He was like a saddlebag with eyes.

Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did.

Thank you.

(cow mooing)

I'm married.

(country music)

[Ira] Barry, over here, Barry.

Barry, look here.

You're wrong, Ed, I'm telling you.

It was not a stupid thing to say.

It was.

She says, "Thanks", and you say, "I'm married?"

Yeah.

I don't want any false flirtings.

False flirtings? Mm-hm.

But what if you're like me?

What if you don't encourage them and they still come after you?

It doesn't happen.

See, women need a reason to have sex.

Men just need a place.

Good night.

I'm going to bed.

Good night, sleep tight.

[Ed] That was flirting.

No-

That was politeness.

That was, "Have a pleasant and restful evening."

No, that was, "I like your ass.

"Could I wear it as a hat?"

(snorting)

Say, hi.

Phil was telling us you had a little trouble with Jeff and T.R.?

Yeah, they were giving Bonnie a hard time.

Yeah, but he took care of it.

But what made it worse was the trail boss comes over.

Curly?

(dramatic music)

His name is Curly?

Perfect.

You know what the cook said about him?

He said he killed a man in a knife fight.

He said he slit him from neck to nuts.

I'm not happy about this.

This guy's a cowboy.

One of the last real men.

He's untamed, a mustang.

We're trained ponies.

It'll do us good to be in his world for a while.

Do us good?

He was hanging the help.

[Ed] He was helping us.

This guy is not normal, I'm telling you.

Did you see his eyes?

He's got crazy eyes.

He's a lunatic.

I'm telling you, we're going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic.

He's behind me, isn't he?

Time to turn in.

[All] Good night.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean anything by that.

I crap bigger than you.

(dramatic music)

He's gonna kill me.

(horse neighing)

Watch it!

Excuse me!

Whoa!

Whoa.

Great, you are riding so much better.

Thanks.

Hey, I just talked to Nancy.

Who's Nancy?

She's the uh...

The girl.

Oh, the uh...

The girl.

She's not pregnant.

Really?

Well, that's good, isn't it?

For her.

So what does it mean?

You know what I think?

Out there are all the answers.

No, Ed.

Out there...

(groans)

Are cows, and plenty of them.

We're gonna go 200 miles with a big, moving stink.

Okay, ready? Come on.

(horse neighing)

You guys are probably too young to remember this, but when I was a kid, I remember seeing a movie called Red River.

Oh, I've seen it on TV, yeah.

But not in the movie theater.

The big screen, with John Wayne and Montgomery Clift.

You remember the scene?

It was the start of the cattle drive.

Dad.

No, no, son, that's why we're here.

The yee-haw scene?

The yee-haw scene!

Before they took the cattle out, those cowboys waved their hats in the air and yelled, "Yee-haw!"

What do you say to that?

All right!

Move them out!

(thrilling music)

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Feel like a schmuck?

Oh, yeah, a big schmuck, yeah.

[Both] Yee-haw!

We'll see you in Colorado!

(all whooping)

(melodic music)

J‘ Fairy tales can come true J‘ J‘ It can happen to you J‘ I If you're young at heart J‘ J‘ For it's hard, you will find to be narrow of mind J‘ I If you're young at heart J‘ J‘ And if you should survive to 105 J‘ I Look at all you'll derive just by being alive J‘

J‘ Now here is the best part J‘ J‘ You have a head start J‘ I If you are amongst the very young J‘ I At heart J‘

Look, a stray.

You take him, Mitch.

No, it's the first one, you get him, Ed.

No, no, it's the first one. Let Phil have him.

No, no, I'll get the next one.

Look, you get this one, I'll get the next one.

You sure? I mean, there's gonna be plenty.

No, yeah, you get this one, I'll get the next one.

Then Ed, then you, we'll go--

Like a round-robin kind of thing.

That's good, yeah.

All right, so who gets this?

[Ed and Phil] You!

All right, good.

Come on, go!

Out of chute number nine!

Hey, go Mitchy! [Ed] Let's rock, go, Mitchy!

[Mitch] No, no, no, don't go back, no.

Think I can't see you behind there?

Hello. (cow mooing)

Come on, now, move it, here we go.

Come on now, here we go, come on.

It's like chasing a mime.

(thrilling music)

(cow mooing)

Yee-haw, cowboy!

All right! All right, Mitchy!

I did it!

All right!

Oh-oh.

Hey, moonwalk!

(laughing)

I'd like to thank everybody and God for helping me get my stray in.

Let's go, boy.

Oh.

All right, all right.

Come on back.

Come on back, come on back.

All right, now, easy on the clutch.

Cut the wheel!

Cut it, cut it, cut it!

That's it.

Straight back and park and lock it.

You got the keys, sir?

How long you gonna be?

W00!

I wish the kids could've seen that.

Then dump it into the personal and then make out the check.

What are we telling him this for? He's our accountant.

What are we telling you this for? You're our accountant.

No, don't...

Just get a Mets score. Okay.

Arnold, I'm losing you.

We're going behind a butte.

Arnold?

Arnold, what's the Mets score?

The Mets, huh...

I lost him.

(chuckfing)


(Bonnie mumbles)

Boy, that saddle's having all the fun.

You have, like, a half-track mind.

You wouldn't like to screw her brains out?

Lovely image.

It ranks up there with my other favorite of yours, "Bang the shit out of her."

(laughs)

I'm sorry if I offended your delicate sensibilities.

I noticed you were staring at her pretty good.

That's different.

[Ed] Different?

Yeah.

Look, I go to an art gallery, right?

And I see a Picasso.

Oh, she's a Picasso now?

No, she's not a Picasso.

If she was a Picasso, she'd have three tits.

What I'm saying is, if I see a nice painting,

Let me ask you this.

What if you could have great sex with someone very attractive and Barbara would never find out?

It's a big trap. I mean, look what happened to Phil.

The girl came to his house, then she came to my house.

Yeah.

(cows mooing)

Let's say a spaceship lands.

Good, reality.

Are you listening to this?

A spaceship lands and the most beautiful woman you ever saw gets out.

And all she wants to do is have the greatest sex in the universe with you.

Could happen.

And the second it's over, she flies away for eternity.

No one will ever know.

You're telling me you wouldn't do it?

No-

Because what you're describing actually happened to my cousin, Ronald.

And his wife did find out about it at the beauty parlor.

They know everything there.

Forget about it.

Look, Ed, what I'm saying is it wouldn't make it all right if Barbara didn't know.

I'd know, and I wouldn't like myself.

That's all.

Pay attention, girls, we got strays.

Hi, Curly.

Kill anyone today?

Day ain't over yet.

(dramatic music)

Hyah!

[Mitch] I wonder what Barbara's doing.

You're really with just one woman for 15 years?

Just one?

Yes, Ed, I'm married, I caught my limit.

Why are you after me about this?

Let's say...

All your life, for breakfast, you're eating from the Kellogg's Variety Pack.

And a spaceship lands.

No-

And then you don't get the Variety Pack.

You pick one, your favorite one, and you just get that one from then on.

Every day for the rest of your life, the same cereal.

And then you wake up one morning and you're just not hungry anymore.

You can't get an erection.

Hey, pal, I can get an erection any time I want.

Watch.

Ed, please, don't, come on.

Leave the stallion in the corral.

You'll knock me into the fire, okay?

(chuckfing)

Kim wants to have kids.

And you don't?

I tell her it's because we wouldn't have as much fun.

It would hurt her modeling.

But that's not the reason.

Having a kid, that's heavy.

That's a real commitment.

That's saying, "I'm never gonna be with another woman

"for the rest of my life."

Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

I have no life.

We're all agreed on that, right?

Right. Yeah.

Okay, and your big problem is that you're married to this gorgeous 24-year-old underwear model who thinks that the sun rises and sets in your pants, and that's not enough for you?

You don't understand.

No, I don't understand.

I don't wanna screw around on Kim.

So don't.

Oh.

From the king of restraint.

What does that mean?

It means that's pretty smug advice coming from a man who mounted an 18-year-old checkout girl on the day-old bread rack.

She's 20, and shut up.

Let me get you hot, Phil.

"I need a price, register nine.

"I need a price."

Cut it out.

Guys, come on--

What'd you use for protection? Paper or plastic?

Come on! Come on!

We're on vacation!

[Ed] You're gonna do nothing!

(splashing) (all groan)

You're spooking the cattle.

We were just fooling around.

See you tomorrow.

(playful music)

Sun-up.

(dramatic music)

(playful music)

[Steve] Morning.

Hi. [Steve] You done with that?

Yeah, help yourself.

See, Mom, we're keeping clean.

It's cold, but I'm a real pioneer man, yeah.

[Mitch] Morning.

Good morning. Morning.

Come on, guys.

You're sorry, you're sorry.

Let's make up, huh?

(playful music)

All right.

My fault.

No, it's all right.

Now, to celebrate, I got a special treat.

I'm gonna make fresh coffee.

Battery-operated, instantly grinds its own beans.

Only 19.95.

Come on, why live like animals?

That's great. Yeah.

All right, now first cup's gonna be for my good friend Phil, who when we were kids used to let me watch his sister undress.

Uh. I've never forgot it, Phil.

Because I still do it.

(laughing) Okay!

(buzzing)

(cows mooing)

Wow, there's something spooking the cattle.

Look, look, look, the cows are going away.

Wow, look at them go!

That is amazing!

[T.R.] Stampede!

[Jeff] We gotta get them!

[Mitch] We gotta get them.

(horse neighing) Whoa, whoa!

Beautiful.

Get that in the frame. Oh, yeah, I got them.

[Ed] Hyah!

(soul music)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(soul music)

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!

Oh, God!

They're coming at us!

(soul music)

God dammit!

(horse neighing)

Come on!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

(soul music)

Bonnie, there's a stampede!

In your tent!

(soul music)

(screaming)

(soul music)


(screaming)

(soul music)

(gun firing)

City folk.

(chuckles)

I'm sorry.

I mean, I was just trying to make a cup of coffee.

That's all.

It was French roast.

There's still a few head missing.

Must have gone into that canyon while I was getting the others.

[Jeff] T.R. and I'll get them.

No, I'll get them.

With you.

(dramatic music)

Me?

Yeah.

You're coming with me.

Just the two of us?

[Curly] You move the herd, I'll catch up.

You mean, we'll catch up.

Let's go.

(dramatic music)

Bye.

Curly, did I ever show you pictures of my wife and kids?

I'm their sole support, you know.

Is he gonna be all right?

Sure.

Curly's just trying to scare him. You know Mitch, he's a...

He's a wise-ass.

If anything happens to him...

(panting)

I'm going after Barbara.

(birds chirping)

Throw a rope on this one so we can go after the others.

Rope him. I'm not good at it.

I have a roping disability.

(playful music)

Be right with you.

(cow mooing)

(playful music)

Jesus Christ.

(playful music)

Hey.

See, I'm good at this part.

Throw it.

(playful music)

You know what just occurred to me?

Roping is stupid.

This is a cow, not a gazelle.

Watch.

Get off the horse, huh?

Okay.

Then you walk up to the cow.

Look how good this is working.

Then you say, "Hi, Bob Vila for This Old Herd.

"We're gonna rope you today."

Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow.

Now what's wrong with that?

(whistles)

Ah!

(cow mooing)

That!

I'm on vacation!

(screaming)

(lively country music)

(cow mooing)

Is that it?

That's it.

[Mitch] What are we doing?

Making camp.

Too late to catch up to the herd before dark.

We'll catch up tomorrow.

You mean we're gonna...

Sleep out here?

Just uh...

That's right.

(chuckles)

Oh, God, it's deliverance.

(dramatic music)

Getting ready to shave?

You make a lot of...

Smart remarks at my expense, don't you?

I'm joking.

I do it with everybody.

It's just my way.

I don't understand that way.

(harmonica music)

Put that away.

(harmonica music)

I said...

Put that away.

Hey, you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me.

So I teased you a little bit, which maybe I shouldn't have done.

So I'm sorry.

And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me, which you're doing a good job.

But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it.

If not, shut the hell up!

I'm on vacation.

(clanging)

(fire crackling)

(harmonica music)

(cow mooing)

J‘ See them tumbling down I J‘ Pledging their love to the ground J‘ J‘ Lonely, but free, I'll be found J‘ J‘ Drifting along J‘ J‘ With the tumbling tumbleweeds J‘ J‘ Cares of the past are behind I J‘ Nowhere to go but I'll find J‘ J‘ Just where the trail will wind I J‘ Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds J‘

(panting)

[Mitch] Do you know any show tunes?

And the second it's over, she's gonna get back into her spaceship and fly away for eternity.

Would you do it?

[Curly] Is she a redhead?

[Mitch] Could be.

I like redheads.

You ever been married?

No-

You ever been in love?

(panting)

Once.

I was driving a herd across the Panhandle.

Texas. Mm-hm.

And passed near this little dirt farm around about sundown.

Out in the field was this young woman, working down in the dirt.

Just about then, she stood up to stretch her back.

(panting)

She was wearing a little cotton dress, and the setting sun was right behind her, showing the shape that God had give her.

What happened? (horse neighing)

(chuckfing)

Why?

I figured it wasn't gonna get any better than that.

Yeah, but you could've been, you know, with her.

I've been with lots of women.

Yeah, but, you know, she could've been the love of your life.

She is.

That's great.

That's...

Not great.

No, that's wrong, Curly.

You passed up something that might have been terrific.

My choice.

I never could have done that.

That's your choice.

A cowboy leads a different kind of life...

When there were cowboys.

We're a dying breed.

Still means something to me, though.

In a couple of days, we'll move this herd across the river, drive them through the valley.

Oh!

(chuckles)

There's nothing like bringing in a herd.

See, now that's great.

Your life makes sense to you.

(laughing)

What?

What's so funny?

You city folk, you worry about a lot of shit, don't you?

Shit? Yeah.

My wife basically told me she doesn't want me around.

Is she a redhead?

(laughing)

I'm just saying-- How old are you?

38?

39.

Yeah.

You all come up here about the same age.

Same problems.

Spend about 50 weeks a year getting knots in your rope and then...

Then you think two weeks up here'll untie them for you.

None of you get it.

Do you know what the secret of life is?

No-

What?

This.

Your finger?

One thing.

Just one thing.

You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit.

That's great, but...

What's the one thing?

That's what you gotta figure out.

(dramatic music)

(cow mooing)

Oh, damn it, come on!

(cow mooing)

[Mitch] What's the matter?

What's going on?

This cow's having a baby, yeah.

(cow mooing)

I noticed it when we found her.

I was hoping she'd make it through the drive, but she's ready.

Does she do it herself or do you have to help her?

I'll hold her down.

You deliver the calf.

Excuse me?

Hello!

Why don't I hold her down?

Because you don't know how.

She'll kick you and kill you, and her and the calf.

And that's too much for me to carry back.

I see your point.

Come on, she's ready.

I...

She's bursting!

Oh, God, there's gonna be bursting?

Just reach in and pull out the calf.

(cow mooing)

Ooh.

(groaning)

You know, this was not in the brochure.

She needs help, goddamn it!

(groaning)

Now what's taking so long?

Do you see the head?

(coughing)

I only see a tail.

Oh, shit!

It's turned the wrong way.

Get it out.

Uh-oh.

My watch came off.

Now!

It was a gift!

Do it!

(cow mooing)

(groaning)

Come on.

(groaning)

Come on.

(groaning)

(chuckfing)

Look what I did!

I made a cow.

This is unbelievable.

This is amazing.

He looks like you.

(laughs)

Look at him.

Yeah.

Get up.

(cow mooing)

Oh, shit.

Look, look at this.

He's walking already.

He's a genius.

He gets that from my side of the family.

We all walked very early.

I'm gonna name him Norman.

You know, because years ago...

(gun firing)

(horse neighing)

(dramatic music)

Why did you do that?

She was dying.

And she was suffering.

You saved the calf.

Good job, cowboy.

(dramatic music)

[Mitch] There you go, Norman, that is it.

You are only down a quart.

That's really wonderful.

You got him to drink from the bottle.

Yeah, thank God, because my nipples were killing me.

(laughing)

What do you think?

What would be the perfect flavor with this meal?

Cherry vanilla?

No-

If it was Chinese food, right on the money.

But this?

Toasted almond.

(cow mooing)

What's going on?

Barry can pick out the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal.

(laughing)

Go ahead.

Challenge him.

Challenge him?

[Ira] Come on.

Franks and beans.

Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla.

Don't waste my time.

(dramatic music)

Come on.

Push me.

Sea bass.

Grilled?

Sautéed.

I'm with you.

Potatoes au gratin.

(dramatic music)

Asparagus.

(dramatic music)

Rum raisin.

[Both] Woof!

Woof, what?

How do you know he's right?

How do we know?

1,400 retail outlets across the country.

That's how we know.

[Both] Woof!

Will you stop with Roberto Clemente?

Henry Aaron was the greatest right fielder of our generation.

Could he run like Clemente?

Could he throw like Clemente?

Look, I'm gonna say one thing to you, okay? 755 home runs.

Good bye.

Hey, Clemente was killed in a plane crash.

What, you're gonna blame that on Aaron?

No, I'm not blaming, I'm just saying.

Ugh, baseball.

(cow mooing)

You've got something against baseball?

It's just I used to live with a guy who was like a baseball encyclopedia and I just got flashes.

You broke up with him because of baseball?

Uh, no.

We had different needs.

I needed him to treat me decently and get a job and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.

Ouch!

So, do you hate baseball?

No, I like baseball.

I just never understood how you guys can spend so much time discussing it.

I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.

[All] Don Hoak.

Beat you.

See, that's exactly what I mean.

So, what do you and your friends talk about out there?

Well, real life.

Relationships.

Are they working?

Are they not?

Who's she seeing?

Is that working?

No contest, we win.

[Bonnie] Why?

Honey, if that were as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.

(cow mooing)

Ed, I see by the sun it's time for you to hibernate again.

You're right, I suppose.

I mean, I guess it is childish, but uh...

When I was about 18 and my dad and I couldn't communicate about anything at all, we could still talk about baseball.

You know, that was real.

(cow mooing)

You know what the secret of life is?

It's this.

(cow mooing)

One thing.

Just one thing.

And what's that?

I have no idea.

(chuckfing)

Curly knows the secret of life?

Yeah.

I'm gonna invite him over.

I mean, he's a very interesting guy, you'll see.

I'm sure he is.

Hey, Curly.

Curly?

Curl?

You got a minute?

He is a real cowboy.

He sleeps with his eyes open so he can still watch the herd.

Curl.

(soft piano music) Curly?

Is this all right?

Do you need, like, a license or something to bury somebody?

No-

This is where Curly would wanna be buried.

I mean, he said he was a dying breed.

I didn't know he meant on this trip.

The man ate bacon at every meal.

I mean, you can't do that.

[Steve] Well, I guess that's it.

[Ira] Wait a minute, shouldn't somebody say something?

I mean, you know, like a eulogy.

[All] Yeah.

[Mitch] Cookie, you knew him best.

Lord, we give you Curly.

Try not to piss him off.

That's it?

What else is there?

I got chicken burning.

You're a warm man, Cookie.

Wait a second, I'll...

(sighs)

What can I say about Curly?

I didn't know you well, but I'll never forget you.

You lived life on your terms: simple, honest and brave.

I'm glad for this short time that we spent together.

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

Amen. Amen.

(dramatic music)

Do you think this is all right?

I mean, with them.

All right, listen up.

Ben, I want you to take the left flank with T.R. and Bonnie.

I want you three boys, you're gonna ride point.

I'm gonna push with Steve, Barry and Ira.

Yeah, they're pros.

It'll be okay.

(dramatic music)

H (ho yah! rse neighing)

(dramatic music)

So long, cowboy.

(dramatic music)

(bird cawing)

(cows mooing)

You know, it makes you stop and think.

Stop the clock.

That's 25 minutes, I win. Yup.

Win what?

I had under a half an hour before you started to talk about death.

Why would you think I would talk about death?

What, are you kidding?

We just came from a funeral.

And it's your favorite subject.

It is not.

I just think that when you see a life end, it's a natural time to think about your own mortality.

No, it isn't.

Why do that to yourself?

When somebody dies, I don't change places with him.

I appreciate the fact that I'm not dead.

Look at this: it's a beautiful day, I'm here with my two best friends and we're driving a herd of cattle across the plains.

Pretty goddamn great.

It's one of the best days of my life.

All right, what is the best day of your life?

You mean ever?

Yeah, best day ever in your whole life.

And you can't do when your kids were born. That's too easy.

I got one.

I'm seven years old and my dad takes me to Yankee Stadium.

My first game.

We're going in this long, dark tunnel underneath the stands and I'm holding his hand and we come up out of the tunnel into the light.

It was huge.

How green the grass was.

Brown dirt.

And that great green copper roof, remember?

We had a black-and-white TV, so this was the first game I ever saw in color.

I sat there the whole game next to my dad.

He taught me how to keep score.

Mickey hit one out.

Good day.

And I still have the program.

All right, what was the worst day you ever had?

Worst day?

A couple of years ago, Barbara finds a lump.

[Phil] What?

Jesus.

Yeah, it scared the shit out of me.

You never said anything.

Yeah, well, you know, it turned out to be nothing.

But that whole day was...

Yeah, but that was a good day.

How?

Because it turned out to be nothing.

Yeah, but the whole day until then was horrible.

Yeah, but it came out good.

You're a real the-glass-is-haIf-empty kind of a guy, you know that?

I don't know how Barbara can stand it.

Yeah.

All right, I got one.

My best day.

This isn't the one about Arlene and that loose step, is it?

No-

No, my wedding day.

What?

Yeah.

Remember that day?

Outdoor wedding.

Arlene looked great.

Those water pills really worked.

You guys were all smiling at me.

And my dad, in the front, gives me a little wink, you know?

I mean, he's not the warmest of men, but he winked.

You know, I was the first one of us to get married and have a real job and I remember thinking, "I'm grown-up."

You know?

"I'm not a goofball anymore, I made it."

I felt like a man.

It was the best day of my life.

What was your worst day?

Every day since is a tie.

(laughing)

All right, Ed, your best day.

What is it, twins and a trapeze?

What? No, I don't wanna play.

Come on, we did it.

I don't feel like it.

Okay.

I'm 14 and my mother and father are fighting again.

You know, because she caught him again.

Caught him.

This time, the girl drove by the house to pick him up.

And I finally realized he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating on us.

So I told him.

"We don't love you.

"I'll take care of my mother and my sister.

"We don't need you anymore."

And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge.

Then he turned around and he left.

Never bothered us again.

But I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on.

That's my best day.

What was your worst day?

Same day.

(dramatic music)

(mumbling)

He gets the sign from Berra.

He gets the sign from Berra, the pitch.

(all whooping)

J‘ Rolling, rolling, rolling J‘ J‘ Keep them doggies rolling J‘ J‘ Man, my ass is swollen J‘ J‘ Rawhide J‘ J‘ Get them up, move them out J‘ J‘ Wake them up, get them dressed J‘ I Get them shaved, comb their hair, rawhide J‘ J‘ Tie me down, tell me lies J‘ J‘ Pull my hair, smack my thighs J‘ I With a big wet strap of rawhide J‘

(harmonica music)

Hyah.

Hyah!

What is he doing?

[Cookie] Hyah, hyah!

(laughing)

Oh, I'm walking alone.

He's drunk, the old shithead.

Where'd he get the liquor? How do I know that?

God dammit, we better get him out of there.

(country music)

Is that a happy face?

[Cookie] Hyah!

(laughing)

He's nuts.

(screaming)

[T.R.] Stop!

Jeff, get him!

[Jeff] Cookie!

He's throwing our food.

Well, we'll... We'll what?

We'll order out?

(horses neighing)

(Cookie screams)

He's headed for the ravine.

I'm sure he sees it.

(country music)

(screaming)

[Both] Jump!

(screaming)

(thudding)

[Mitch] What can you say about Skyrocket and Buttercup?

Don't say anything. Let's just get out of here.

Wait, let's just recap what we've buried so far on this trip.

Trail boss, two horses--

I can't believe we buried horses.

Well, the impact really drove them into the ground.

We just covered them up with some dirt.

How we gonna move the food and the tents?

The tents roll up.

We can pack enough food in our saddlebags to get us there.

Okay.

Let's do it.

The problem is Cookie.

Let's not forget his legs are broken.

Oh, God, they're gonna shoot him.

I know it, they're gonna shoot him.

Now, we put Cookie on this litter so we could get him out of here.

Both me and T.R. are gonna stay with you all and the herd.

We're gonna be hitting some pretty rough mountain country.

There's a town, it's about half a day's ride out of here.

I can draw a map.

Somebody's gotta take Cookie.

Volunteers?

(cow mooing)

I guess Steve and I should go.

Why?

Because he's injured and we have medical training.

Dad, but we're dentists!

I mean, what are we gonna do, give him a cleaning?

We have a better chance of helping him than anyone, son.

But you're having fun.

Ride with me.

It will still be fun, huh?

That's really great of you, Ben, Steve.

[Bonnie] Yeah, thanks a lot, that's great. Thank you.

Thanks, Ben.

Good luck.

[Ira] Thank you, Dr. Jessup, that's...

We would have gone, but...

Good.

I'll make up that map.

Hey, look!

I found where Cookie was hiding his whiskey.

[Jeff] You old coot.

Hey, Jeff!

(gun firing)

(glass crashing) (whooping)

Shouldn't we do something?

Let them have their fun, then they'll sleep it off.

[Jeff] Swig.

(gun firing) (whooping)

(glass crashing)

I knew it, I knew we couldn't trust these guys.

I said, "Tennis camp."

You said, "Let's drive cattle."

Wait a minute, I got an idea.

(gun firing) (glass crashing)

Look at this.

[T.R.] Norman.

Norman.

What are they doing with Norman?

[Jeff] Mitchy!

Mitchy, come on out and play.

Don't go out there.

What do you think, I'm nuts?

(dramatic music)

[Jeff] Mitch, do you like calf brains?

[Ed] This is over a cow.

[Jeff] Here's your last chance.

They're not gonna hurt me. There's too many witnesses.

Please be careful.

They're just gonna embarrass me.

So I'll let them.

Norman, have you been bothering the cowboys again?

You know, you raise them, you try to teach them right from wrong, but they learn these things from their friends.

I mean, it's the school systems.

You're grounded, mister.

These cows today, huh?

You pansy-assed bastard.

Are you talking to me or Norman?

You shit-nosed little faggot.

Oh, me? Mm-hm.

Listen, guys, we have a group of people here who came out for a good time, and to say the least, it's been a little bit strange.

But we're counting on you to get us through this.

So I'm asking you, please, why don't you just go and sleep it off, huh?

Sleep this off!

(thudding) (groaning)

(thudding) (groaning)

Yee-haw!

(thudding) (groaning)

(dramatic music)

(panting)

Put the gun down!

Put down the goddamn gun!

(dramatic music)

Phil.

I'm not going to let him bully us anymore.

My father-in-law's a bully.

[Mitch] Phil.

I hate bullies!

Because a bully doesn't just beat you up.

He takes away your dignity.

Phil!

I hate that.

I really hate that. (cocking gun)

(Yalping)

Sorry.

(dramatic music)

(panting)

All right, you two assholes, go sleep it off!

(groaning)

And let's have some peace and quiet around here for Christ's sakes!

(cow mooing)

I'm tired!

I've been under a lot of stress.

I lost my wife.

I lost my job.

And I've got some sort of rash from making in the bushes.

[Ed] Are you okay?

Yeah.

[Ed] Phil, thanks.

(Phil cocks gun) That was amazing.

What?

[Ed] You know, uh...

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Why don't you put the gun down, Phil, hm?

Oh, no, you don't have to worry.

I know how to handle a gun.

I used to keep one at the store.

You know, you lock up late at night, there's a lot of cash around.

You got to make sure that the register totals match the cash and checks and the coupons and then you got the order forms to fill out for the next day.

You've got to check the stock.

I mean, there's a lot to do there.

It's a very responsible job.

(dramatic music)

Oh, Christ! (sobbing)

(dramatic music)

Oh, Phil.

Come on, Philly.

Come on, man, it's not that bad.

[Phil] I'm at a dead end.

I'm almost 40 years old, I've wasted my life.

Yeah, but now you got a chance to start over.

You know?

Phil, remember when we were kids?

And we'd be playing ball and the ball would get stuck up in a tree or something?

And we'd yell, "Do over!", huh?

Yeah.

Your life is a do over.

You got a clean slate.

I got no place to live.

I'm going to get wiped out in the divorce because I committed adultery.

So I may never even see my kids again.

I'm alone.

How's that slate look now?

Well, the fun continues.

They're gone.

Who?

Jeff and T.R.

They skedaddled.

They jumped on their horses and took off.

They probably thought we'd get them in trouble.

Which we would.

Does anybody know how to get where we're going?

(crickets chirping)

So we're talking death?

No, wait, won't Ben and Steve send some help?

Maybe they won't.

I mean, when they left, we were still pretty much okay.

Still, they might.

Might?

We're hanging our lives on Might!

Let's not get hysterical here, okay?

Calm down.

Now, for four days, we've been going in this direction.

I think we keep going in that direction.

Isn't that a little vague?

Curly said there was a river and a valley.

We'll just have to do the best we can.

So you're saying we can drive this herd?

Herd?

Are you delirious?

We leave the herd.

We'll go times as fast without them.

Well, yeah, but there's no pasture land up here.

There's no water.

I don't think they can survive up here.

Well, not to sound cold-hearted, but so-the-hell-what?

No, I mean, they give us a trail boss with a coronary, they give us a bunch of drunks, and we're supposed to worry about the cattle?

You're a nicer person than I am.

No, you're right.

Look, the rest of you go ahead.

I'll drive the herd.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying I think I can bring in the herd.

No, you can't.

What, are you crazy?

You couldn't even manage your stores.

You had to bring in your cousin.

Mitch, you were right about all the weekend warrior shit.

The war games, the parachuting.

That was all bullshit.

But this is real.

This is really happening.

No rules, no games.

Just, can I do it?

It is a game.

It's your regular game, Ed, don't you see it?

Am I better than my father?

Well, you are, okay?

Look, I need to do this.

It's impossible.

I'll do it with you.

Phil.

Phil...

You have, like, a day's worth of food and water left.

We'll be all right.

Maybe you won't.

Well, maybe we will, Mitch.

Why don't you just accept that maybe you don't know what we're going through?

I know exactly what you're going through.

And you think that bringing in this herd is gonna make all the broken pieces of your life come together?

Hey, you don't want to do it, don't do it.

We want to do it.

I'm not doing it.

Don't do it.

I'm not asking you to do it.

You have been talking me into doing stuff like this my whole life, and I am not doing this!

What, are you deaf?

I'm not asking you to do it!

Great!

Come on, Phil.

(dramatic music)

It's crazy.

(dramatic music)


We'll ride out together tomorrow morning, without the herd.

They can do whatever they want.

(dramatic music)

(bird chirping)

Come on, we've got cattle to move.

[Phil] Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(whistling) [Ed] What are you doing?

[Phil] I'm not listening to you!

[Ed] Fine, listen to the cows, then.

Goddamn cattle drive! Just do your job!

[Phil] Don't tell me, I'm not listening to you anymore.

Listen to the cows!

Come on, you damn little doggies!

Move it! Come on, let's go!

[Phil] Hey, stop that!

Cut that out!

Phil, what are you doing?

They're not cooperating.

This is like herding my children.

You take those, I'll take these.

Hey, hey, come back here!

(Whistles)

Hey, stop!

Stop it!

Stop!

Get back here!

Ah, the hell with you!

Who needs you, anyway?!

(cows mooing)

(playful music)

What the heck!

How did I do that?

(thrilling music)

Hey, Mitch!

(horse neighing)

It's Mitch!

(horse neighing)

Mitchy the Kid!

Curly said there's nothing like bringing in the herd.

(thrilling orchestral music)

Nice hat, partner.

(horse neighing)

Come on.

Hey, there's my little man.

Sorry I was late, but there was so much traffic.

Let's go, hyah!

(thrilling music)

There's nothing to be ashamed of, I had the same problem.

[Phil] Didn't you feel stupid?

I mean...

Didn't you feel inadequate?

[Mitch] Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it.

Can I explain it you again?

I mean, promise me you won't get upset.

[Phil] Okay.

It's not going to do any good.

Okay.

If you want to watch one show, but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel three.

It does.

No, it doesn't. It does.

No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on three.

Wait, the TV or the machine?

The TV.

You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?

Yes, that's the point.

You don't even need a TV to record.

How would I see it?

Well, to see it, you need a TV, but--

Shut up.

Just shut up!

He doesn't get it!

He'll never get it.

It's been four hours.

The cows can tape something by now.

Forget about it, please!

(cows mooing)

How do you do the clock?

You're dead.

You are dead!

(all whooping) (playful music)

(cows mooing)

(thunder rumbling)

Ya, ya, ya, ya!

Let's go!

Come on, Norman, keep up, boy, keep up!

Norman, (Norman bleats) stay with the class.

Come on, boy!

Oh, shit.

What do we do now?

[Mitch] Like I should know?

Come on, let's keep the herd together.

Yeah, let's go.

Norman, hello!

Let's go, Norman.

Norman, what are you, Gene Kelly?

Let's go.

(cows mooing)

(thunder rumbling)

Ah!

Whoa, whoa, easy, boy, easy boy!

Move it!

Go, go!

(dramatic music)

(cows mooing)

We're doing great, guys.

We're driving them.

Oh, that's perfect.

We're lost, but we're making good time.

This is the way, guys.

I can feel it.

(dramatic music)

(horse neighing)

(thunder rumbling)

Is there a way around?

That could be 100 miles.

It could take days.

Is this supposed to be here?

There's probably an easy place to cross, but we missed it.

This could be the easy place!

Oh, God.

Look, we did the best we could.

Let's just leave the herd and get the hell out of here, huh?

No-

A cowboy doesn't leave his herd.

You are a sporting goods salesman!

Not today.

(dramatic music)

Easy.

Okay.

I'm gonna lean back.

I started this, and I'm going to finish it.

(horse neighing) I'm going to finish it.

(dramatic music)

It's fast, but it's not deep.

Come on, bring them down!

Come on!

Let's go!

(dramatic music)

Oh, God.

[Ed] Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

Move it, move it, move it!

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

[Phil] Come on!

Come on!

(dramatic music)

Come on, move!

Move it!

Come on!

(Whistles)

[Ed] Come on, move it!

Yah, yah!

Move it, cow, come on!

(horse neighing) Whoa!

Shit!

[Phil] Ya!

Come on!

Come on, let's move it!

Get over there.

[Mitch] Come on!

[Ed] Ya, ya!

Come on, boys!

Come on, now.

Move it!

Moo, cow!

Go, baby!

Go, baby!

Phil, I'm 39 and I'm saying moo cow in a river.

Do you believe this?

(laughing)

We did it!

Hey!

(dramatic music)

[Mitch] Ya, ya, come on!

Ya, come on!

(dramatic music)

Yeah, baby, woo, woo!

Ya!

Here we go!

(Norman bleating)

Norman!

(dramatic music)

Oh, God.

Hyah!

(bleating)

Hyah, hyah.

Come on, come on.

(bleating)

Yeah!

(dramatic music)

(horse neighing)

Whoa!

(splashing)

(horse neighing)

Norman!

Norman!

Norman!

Norman!

Norman!

(bleating)

Got you.

Help!

Oh, my God.

Mitch!

Hey, Ed!

[Mitch] Help!

Help me!

Hyah, hyah!

Oh, no!

Mitch!

(screaming)

(bleating)

(thudding)

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

Oh, Shit!


[Ed] Mitch!

(bleating)

Mitch!

[Phil] I'm coming!

I'm c o ming !

(bleating) Help, help!

I got you, I got you!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on!

(screaming)

[Ed] I've got you.

I've got you.

(bleating)

(groaning)

[Phil] Give me your hand!

Give me your hand!

(groaning)

(laughing)

You're crazy.

You talk about me, but you're crazy.

You could have been killed!

We almost lost you, pal.

(panting)

Nice catch.

It was like Mays in the '54 World Series.

Vic Wertz. Vic Wertz.

(chuckfing)


(soft instrumental music)

(cows mooing)

(intense orchestral music)

(Norman bleats)

Let's bring them in.

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw! Yee-haw!

(chiming) (thrilling music)

Great gobs of goose shit!

It's them!

Ira, Ira, camera, camera!

(laughing)

Yahoo!

Yeah!

(all hum Bonanza theme)

(whooping)

(whooping) (lively orchestral music)

(laughing)

(whooping)

(whistling)

Come on!

Yeah!

Yeah!

[Ben] Mitch!

(all cheering)

Yahoo!

Hey, the drinks!

(lively orchestral music)

Way to go, guys.

(murmuring)

[Clay] All right.

[Millie] You did great.

Oh, Lordy, Lord, Lord.

(sighs)

Here's your herd.

I'm telling you, I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters.

We had a search party out looking for you boys.

[Ed] They didn't find us.

Un-by-God-believable!

Bunch of tenderfeet bringing in a herd like that.

Two weeks ago, you boys were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle.

And look at you now.

I'm giving your money back!

Oh, this one's on me.

Now you're talking, Clay!

Hey, uh-- That's right.

Instead of the money, you think that my dad and I could come back and take the cattle back to New Mexico?

[Ben] Really, son?

Ordinarily, that'd be great, but this herd's not going back.

What do you mean?

I'm getting top dollar from the meat company.

You mean these cows are...

I thought you just moved them back and forth?

Usually do, but prices are sky high, and I can't pass it up.

(cows mooing)

Look, folks, it's not like any of them have a lot to live for.

They don't have much of a life, anyway.

Neither does Phil, but we're not prepared to eat him.

That's right.

This is our business, son.

This is not an endangered species.

It's what these animals are bred for.

All that meat under cellophane in the supermarket, where do you think that comes from?

Come on, fellows, just relax.

You've done real good, cowboys.

Let's get some grub.

[Barry] Bet you guys could use a nap?

(cows mooing)

You look dirty.

[Ben] Did you mean that, son?

[Steve] Yeah, we'll come back that's great.

These cows trusted us.

They trusted us?

They don't even know us!

They followed us because we yelled Yah!

They're cattle.

(dramatic music)

(cows mooing)

(dramatic music)

(Norman bleats)

(dramatic music)

(Norman bleats)

(dramatic music)

What?

(dramatic music)


(Norman bleats)

I've got to stop being a schmuck.

You know, you were right, Mitch.

My life is a do over.

It's time to get started.

I hope I can help.

I'm going to go home and I'm going to get Kim pregnant.

I hope I can help.

Oh, Mitchy the Kid's in trouble.

What about you?

[Mitch] Hm?

You going to be okay?

Yeah, because I know what he meant.

[Phil] Who?

Curly.

I know what this is.

[Ed] What?

That's what you have to figure out.

I'm going to deck you, pal.

No, that's what it is.

It's something different for everybody.

It's whatever's most important to you.

For me, when I was in the river, I was only thinking about one thing.

All that other stuff just went away.

Only one thing really mattered to me.

[Both] Dad!

[Danny] Daddy, you're home!

(laughing)

Oh, God.

[Holly] I love you.

These faces.

I missed these faces.

We missed you too, Dad.

It's no fun without you.

Hey, buckaroos.

Next year, the North Pole.

What?

We hire dog sleds and we follow the same route as Admiral Byrd.

Uh-huh.

Next Tuesday, coffee and cake.

Better.

Come here.

(Kim chuckles)

Hey, Phil!

You need a ride?

No, thanks, I got a cab.

(people murmuring)

(dramatic music)

So, how are you?

Good.

Things are good.

Look what I found.

Mm, that's nice.

Where was it?

Colorado.

I mean, it's always the last place you look.

(laughing)

Mitch, I've been thinking.

If you really hate your job, why don't you get out of there?

We'll be all right.

No-

I'm not going to quit my job.

I'm just going to do it better.

I'm going to do everything better.

Everything?

(dramatic music)

See?

Oh, I missed you.

[Mitch] I missed you, too.

Let's go home.

Today is my best day.

(dramatic music)

Mr. Robbins!

Yeah, right here.

(playful music)

This is great.

There you go, thanks.

What, did you get a dog?

We got a dog? All right!

Come on, little man.

(Norman bleats)

Everyone, this is Norman.

It's a cow.

Uh, he's a calf, actually.

Mitch!

You're going to put him in the van?

Oh, yeah, and then the den.

[Barbara] Mitch, you're not going to take him home. (Norman bleats)

See, kids, he just said hellooo.

(kids laugh)

Well, just for a little while.

Then we'll put him in a petting zoo, so he can be with your mother.

[Barbara] Mitch!

(Barbara laughs)

I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding! All right.

All right.

(kids laugh)

Okay, seat belts, Norman, seat belts.

Mitch!

I hope you went to the bathroom, mister.

We got a long ride. (kids laugh)

Mitch.

Let's go home.

Ah!

(lively orchestral music)


J‘ Where did my heart 90 J‘ J‘ When did it lose the way I J‘ How did I let J‘ J‘ You slip away J‘ J‘ Why is it so hard to say J‘ J‘ Words that might touch you J‘ J‘ Make you believe that I'm J‘ I More than it seems I J‘ That I am today I II can run J‘ I But I can't hide J‘ J‘ All these dreams J‘ J‘ That I keep inside J‘ J‘ Now, it's gonna take a while I J‘ But I've got to learn to smile J‘ J‘ Again I

J‘ Once it was easy J‘ J‘ I never had to try J‘ J‘ I never had J‘ J‘To say a lie J‘ J‘ Never thought I'd see you cry J‘ J‘ But now I know better J‘ J‘ I've got to find a way J‘ J‘ I don't wanna hear you say J‘ J‘ Goodbye J‘ II can run J‘ I But I can't hide J‘ J‘ All these dreams J‘ J‘ That I keep inside J‘ J‘ Now, it's gonna take a while I J‘ But I've got to learn to smile J‘ J‘ Again I J‘ I've got to find the smile I J‘ That fills your heart with laughter J‘ J‘ I don't wanna find a way J‘ I To get along after you I J‘ I wanna be the man J‘ J‘ That you knew J‘

J‘ Now it's gonna take a while J‘ J‘ But I've got to learn to smile J‘ J‘ Again I


(roaring)