Clara's Ghost (2018) Script

TED: Okay, Clara, you don't have to kill us.



It just makes no sense.

TED: Well...


I think I see it.

Is that it? Is that it?

Oh, what a relief.

I thought I was gonna have to try to find it online.



Excuse me. Hello?

MAN: Do you mind?


Can you see me?


MAN: Hello?

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!


Damn it.

CLARA: It's not it, Ted.

It's exactly like this one.

The brand is Dina, or Dina, D-I-N-A.

And I got them at Marshall's near the Palisades mall, with my sister in New Jersey.

And I think I had a store credit.

And, oh, they were on clearance.

So, there's no way they have them there anymore.

Gotcha. So, someone stole your shoe?

No, no, um, we took and it fell out of the car somewhere.

You could fill out a stolen property...

No, no, we've been searching for it for hours, it got dark.

It's a size nine.

Wearing two shoes now.

No, no.Right?

These are from DSW.

I like DSW.

The missing shoe is from Marshall's.

So you just have a back-up pair in your car in case someone lost your shoe?

No, I wasn't wearing them.

They were in my car but they weren't on my feet.

Were in your car but they weren't on your feet.

The left shoe was the missing shoe.


We have a "Lost Item Report" that you can fill out.

That way, if anyone returns it...

Are you kidding me?

Is there someone above you I can speak with to help me figure this out?

I'm sorry, um, I'm the only one here.

Do you see my husband out there?

Do you recognize him? Ted Reynolds?

Does he eat at Andy's Deli on Elm on Saturdays often?

Ted Reynolds, the actor.

I'm gonna have to go out there and tell him that you didn't help me at all.

And he's gonna be very upset.

Ted Reynolds?

Well, I think it's time for a drink.

Damn right.





Oh, my gosh!

Look at that moon.

CLARA: Oh, my gosh. Wow.

I don't think I've ever seen, seen a moon like that.

CLARA: Spectacularly beautiful.

Is it supposed to be a full moon tonight?

Oh, honey, I don't know if the moon is supposed to be full.

Okay, I'm gonna take him out.I am not the boss of the moon.

Take who out?Oliver.

No, no, you're gonna stay.

Come down here.

I need to take Oliver...Come down with me.

[GASPS] Lie down on the rug with me.

We can look at the ceiling and pretend we're looking at stars.

Come here. Come here.

Give me some sugar.

Oh, God.Come on.

Oh, I need to take the dog out.

No, you are not taking him out.

It's not fair to him.

Ow! Ow!

I'm tender. My bones are like chicken bones.

They're very brittle.Jesus.

Go do your duty.









That's a good song.

CLARA: 1969, Ollie.

I was 14.

Time flies.

Whether you're having fun or not.


♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ Swinging down the street so fancy-free

♪ Nobody you meet could ever see the loneliness there

♪ Inside you

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ Why do all the boys just pass you by?

♪ Could it be you just don't try

♪ Or is it the clothes you wear?

♪ You're always window shopping

♪ But never stopping to buy

♪ So shed those dowdy feathers and fly

♪ A little bit

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ There's another Georgy deep inside

♪ Bring out all the love you

♪ Hide and oh what a change there'd be

♪ The world would see

♪ A new Georgy girl

♪ Georgy girl

♪ Swinging down the street so fancy-free

♪ Nobody you meet could ever see... ♪ Gardner.


[READING] "Gardener of family owned wine

"from San Luis Obispo.

"We will sell no wine before its time."

A family that wines together, Ollie...


Where'd you go?


Somebody's gotta do it.

So, it has to be me.

Get in there.

[BANGS] Shit.


Hello, this is Clara, and I should be cleaning.

I cleaned by kitchen and it looks good.

But my office is still... It needs work.

It's late here, but I figured with the time difference on the West Coast, it'd be okay.

Um, I'm-I'm-I'm...

I like your wine.

I think that you'd probably guessed that by now.

Maybe you didn't, I don't know.

Anyway, um, I'm looking at your website, at the whole bunch of you, and it just seems like such a wonderful family, and such a great team.



I found and obituary for Mary Gardener's father online, and it said that he passed away from cancer.

And I was just wondering what kind, because, it is just such horrible stuff.


I like the fruity undertones of the wine.

And I was just wondering, is that something that you plan for or is it just a coincidence.

The fruity.

Anyway, if someone could call me back about the fruity undertones, I would really appreciate that.

Thank you.




Oh, my God.


TED: Sweetheart.

Oh, you cutie.

Magazine people are coming at 1:00.

And the girls will be here in about an hour.




Oh, it's your birthday, little boy.

Come here.

Oh, honey, happy birthday.

You got a big day today.

Oh, come here. Hi.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi. Yeah.


JULIE: Ew. I hate her so much.

Benny used to date her, you know.

Really? When?

Like, when I was a baby.


Sweet Sisters reunion.

Can't wait to go home.Ah.

Okay, don't post that, all right? It's super desperate.

Just giving the people what they want.

Oh, Benny needs to know approximately how long your speech is gonna be for the wedding.

Why? I haven't even written it yet.

Well, he's just being a good groom.

These things can drag on and on, like Marcy at Jay and Em's wedding.

She just would not shut up about her fucking, like, lupas.

You know? I'm just, like, "Shut the fuck up."

You know, I had an epiphany recently.

I walked into this audition and there was a waiting room full of actresses, and I was, like, finally confident in myself for the first time.

Like, I'm okay with how I look.

It's fine.

Well, that's not good. [CLEARS THROAT]

So, what's this photo shoot for? It's for, like, on airplanes?

Arrivee Magazine.

Okay, I really can't handle going home right now.

I'm so fat and my wedding's in nine weeks, and mom, like, is just in complete denial.

She should be freaking out.

PASSENGER: Oh, shit.

Hey, do you think you're gonna do that show in Brooklyn?

They don't want me without you.

That, "Where are they now?" show?

No. Fuck no!

RILEY: I know, but I could really use the money.

We're working actresses.

Not fucking former child stars.

Sweet Sisters!

Pfft. Okay.

What's the point of saying anything?

I know. Like we're poison ivy. You have to alert everybody.




I don't like my smile in this.

Oh, God. This is gruesome.



Oh, yeah. I'll hold.

Oh, shit, I can never return this.

Oh, boy.


Oh, my God. My old library card.

From 1963.

Ted. Guess what I just found.


Yeah, I just wish they would have come to this decision before rehearsals.


You know what, guys, this puts me in a very uncomfortable position.

You see, this twat producer, who, by the way, only happens to be, like, five years younger than me, wants to be my fucking son-in-law.

And here's the position I'm in now.

I don't know how to pay for the wedding.

Yeah, you know what?

You should have seen this coming.

Okay? That's why I pay you the big bucks.

The big clams casino.


Uh-huh. Okay. Well, fuck you.

Right. Yeah. Goodbye.

Stupid. Bastard. Fat ass.

TED: Punk. Pervert. Son-in-law.

TED: Clara.

We should get going.God dammit.

TED: We gotta leave in 10 minutes.

What time is it?



This is my cousin Grace's new baby.

Uh, they named her Louise after her husband's mother.

And her husband is the one who died drunk driving.

Mmm-hmm.Wait. Wait a minute. No, that's not right.

You know what? He may have been the one who died from a heart attack while he was drunk driving.

Do you believe that?






Can you see me?

Oh, gosh.

The daylight. So happy to be out...

TED: Hi, girls.RILEY: Hey.


Welcome home.CLARA: Sight for sore eyes.

Thank you.

How was the train ride?

We were, like, sitting in a fart box.

The entire train ride was disgusting.Yeah.

Smelled like warm beans.Is it?

You're making me hungry with that fart talk.


Dad, you're so thin.

Oh, I am not. I'm fat.

I gotta lose, like, 25 pounds.

Uh, I need help with laundry, when you have a chance.CLARA: Okay.

And then, I also need help with a bill. I just...

"Help with a bill"?

What? Do you need someone to read it to you?

[TED GIGGLING]RILEY: Funny, funny.

TED: Girls, we have time for a couple of drinks before Arrivee Magazine.

Arrivee Magazine.JULIE: Ugh!

I'm not even on the cover.


ALL: Cheers!

To Ollie's birthday.

Ollie's birthday, and welcome home.



Those will knock your ass right over your head.

Dad's been painting, girls.

BOTH: Cool.

It's really shit. It's like...

Sorry. Hey.

Can I, can I get a picture with the three of you?

Sure. Yeah.Sweet sisters.

[RHYTHMICALLY] And the father.

Ted Reynolds.

Oh, man. It's just, like, such a wacky, wacky world.


How you been man?

Yeah, been around.

Uh, hey, you know, jeez louise, my son was obsessed with you two.

Oh.Oh, that's so sweet.

I mean, you know, I'd give him hell about it.

Here, I'll take it.

Oh.CLARA: You sit down.

Oh, awesome.

Okay, so you're gonna sit right there?

No, you're gonna come right back here Okay.

Two thumbs up.Yep.

That's good.Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. One with Julie.

♪ The star


TED: Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I got it. I got it.




Oh, my God. Ew!

Did you get a little bit of him on you?

Yeah, I got a lot of him on me.

TED: Enjoy that, honey.

You guys wanna eat anything?

I'm cleansing.

Maybe, just an order of fried shrimp.

Mm-hmm.And some quesadilla, and, I don't know, maybe a cob salad for the table would be good.

That's all. I mean, I think we should just eat appetizer, girls, 'cause I'm gonna order Chinese food.

We should all be eating eggplant at every meal.

They say it literally melts cancer cells.

TED: Well, that sounds yummy, but I'm not gonna go for the eggplant right now.

I think that will be it.

Thank you so much.Yeah.

Thank you, great.

I like this waitress.

And when a waitress from 1975 can say, "A waitress nowadays is good," she's good.

Well, any waitress in Connecticut has it better than you did.

Yeah, you were working in, like, seedy shit holes in Midtown, where dudes went to cheat on their wives.

Serving shitty steak in a leotard.

That's so fucked up.

Your boss was like, "Clara, come over here, you missed a spot right on my mouth.

Come on, give me a kiss."

So, I really want Megan to be a bridesmaid, but, like, she's gained a lot of weight.

I need to write an email with everyone's goal weight on it and send it out.

JULIE: What the... Hey.RILEY: Hey, come back here.

You stole my wallet.

TED: It's her bladder, kids.

It's shot.

We're old. We're falling apart.

Just go ahead and shoot me in the face.


Excuse me.

Not nice to stare.


WOMAN: Girls, are you washing your hands?

RILEY: Do you wash your hair before auditions?

JULIE: Yeah, sometimes.

I just feel like it's really important.

TED: Don't know what to tell you sweetie, it's a shitty business.

Well, that's what it is.

Oh, you know what? I keep seeing that friend of yours on this detergent commercial.

She's actually very funny.

Yeah.Mara? My old roommate?

Yeah, we were never friends.

I hate her. She's a huge cunt.

Ah, okay, well, she's a huge funny cunt.

Hey, you didn't notice my lips.

Did you get 'em pumped or whatever?

TED: They look pumped.JULIE: Yeah.

Just checking...


Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was just...That was scary.

Just, just checking that you wanted the C-Cobb as well.

Yeah, we...

Now more than ever. The Cobb, please.

JULIE: Jesus.Sorry.

I think there's a Cobb salad in my underpants.

My IUD dropped out, I think.

TED: I think it's in me now.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] Did everyone see the flowers I posted on Pinterest for the wedding?

Oh, I'm sorry, Julie, I just haven't had time.

You know, I saw something that I think would be perfect for your wedding this morning.

Honey, show 'em the picture of what I saw.

Uh, yeah.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.Ew.

That was in our backyard and it's for free.

TED: And I think it will look great on the cake.

Coyotes have been awful this year.

Every other week we hear about a dog being killed.

And did I tell you guys about the little girl who was stalked on the way home from school.

I just ordered pot.

From who? Poo-poo?

You know it. 'Cause he got the good shit.

I'm so proud of my kids.


What should we bake for the birthday boy this year?

Oh, I don't think we need to make anything.

We just ate and we're gonna have Chinese, and I just cleaned the kitchen last night.

JULIE: Relax, we'll clean it up.

RILEY: Yeah, it's tradition.

CLARA: I thought you wanted to cleanse, Julie.

JULIE: Jeez, okay, I think I look good.

Okay. Home sweet home.

Oh, my goodness.There he is.

TED: There's the guy.

Hi, Ollie.

Hi, baby.

RILEY: Oh, he has a little red rocket.

Aw, you can't get boners for your sisters, Ollie.

I found brownie mix.


Ooh, yummy.

Hey, sweetheart, we're home.

Why don't you take your coat off and stay awhile.

So, uh, for the wedding, we're gonna let the elderly people come in and use the private bathroom.

Where are the porta-potties gonna go?

Behind the garage.

They're gonna be nice though. We're splurging on the presidential trailers.


JULIE: I mean that's, like, an important thing to spend money on.

RILEY: Yeah.JULIE: Yeah, it's like if someone takes a shit, then like, they'll be fully stocked because of the attendant.

RILEY: Yeah, you don't want anyone walking out of there like this.

Ugh, come on.Yeah, you do.

TED: Julie, um, has Benny said how the show's going?

JULIE: Um, I think he's having fun.

He thinks your great.TED: Wow. That's nice.

ADELIA: [ WHISPERS] Let me in.


TED: I, uh, was fired from Benny's show, Julie.

What?It's okay.

TED: I'm fine. Thank you though.

Yeah, up until a week ago, they were sending flowers, and then he just got the call today.

Yeah, I guess they wanted to go a different direction with the character.

Do you know anything about that?

Well, yeah, but Ben said he was gonna call you personally.

Mmm-hmm, he didn't.

But, that's okay, I mean, I don't need a pep talk.

RILEY: What happened?

Well, I guess they wanted a Ted Reynolds type, but they didn't actually want Ted Reynolds.

Well, it wasn't Ben. He was championing you.

Yeah, you know, sweetheart, I have a hard time trusting the old son-in-law.

And by old, I do mean, old.

That is so fucked up, Dad.

Do not give me shit about his age.

Riley just had sex with a 60-year-old and no one's saying anything about that.

Don't announce that to Mom and Dad.

Well, you did.

He was not 60 then.

And it was a blowjob, not sex.


Who did they give it too?

I don't know. Some swollen dick, I don't know his name.

Matt Byrne, wasn't it? I can Google it.

Oh, sweetheart, that's really sweet of you, but no, we don't need to Google it.

Yeah, fuck them.


I don't mean your fiancee, just the powers that be.


Come on, let's not fight.

You know, come to think of it, sweetheart, I would have liked a phone call, that would have been nice.

Mom literally just said, "Let's not fight."


Oh, I bet that's my shoe.

Nope, that's definitely my pot.

Okay, well, I gotta go wipe my fanny before these magazine people show up.

He is so insane.

If he didn't act like a complete psychopath and make insane demands to the director.

He wanted to be in every other scene.

And he did the, "Twat, twat, I can't hear you" joke to her while she was trying to give him direction.

Then he did the "Eskimo Pussy" bit on top of that.

Julie, just for the sake of tonight, can we forget about this?

It wasn't even a big role.

It was a potential reoccurring.

Ugh! God.

Oh, Mom, thank you for meeting with the tent guy.

What are you talking about?

Mom. The tent guy?

I told you a month ago, you needed to schedule a time to meet with him before he left town.

I don't remember having this conversation.

Oh, my God, Mom. They needed to see the yard.

I-I don't...No one gives a shit about this wedding, but me?

I guess I just have to suck it up and do it alone.


It's Poo-poo. Poo-poo's here.

Oh, nobody calls me that anymore.

Mom, apparently you know of my drug dealer Mom, are you okay?

Mom?Oh, hi, Joe.

Hey. How you doing, Ms. Reynolds.Oh, Joe.

Oh. Joe did our landscaping all summer.

Are you crying?No, no, no, I'm fine.

♪ I don't know what I've been told

♪ Eskimo pussy is mighty cold There he is. How you doing, you old bush wacker?

Oh, I'm good.You're okay? Yeah.

You shouldn't sing that in front of guests.

Hey, I've heard it before. I, uh, looking for my next big job.

Oh yeah?Mr. Montalto has me cleaning out his storage space in Deep River.

How many bodies have you found so far?

You know what's crazy though, he has two pitching machines.

Who would need two?I don't know. Who would need two?

So, uh, do you know we had AP English together?

Ooh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, studying.Me in high school.

Dark, dark times.Yeah.

No, we don't talk about that. That was really like, "Dear diary, I don't know..."

Yeah, it was hysterical, I wanted to die.

You and me, both, sweetie.

Joe, what do you want to drink?

Oh, I'm fine. Thank you, I'm good.Oh, come on.

Have a little something to wet your whistle, huh?

And you're gonna have dinner with us too, pal.

Huh, I like Moscow Mules.

What the fuck are you talking about?

JOE: Sorry.RILEY: Let's smoke this. How about that.

Okay, off you go.

Have fun kids.RILEY: Julie, Poo-poo's here.

No poking at fannies.

Oh, Ollie, come here.

[IN A CHILID-LIKE VOICE] Oh, sweetheart, oh, honey, baby.

Give me a kiss.

I've been seeing this woman around.

Uh, around Old Lyme?

Yeah. She seems to go wherever I go.

Well, you should say hi to her. Maybe you guys could be friends.

I think hat would be weird at this point.

Mmm, she might think the same thing.

Mmm, oh Jesus.

There are those assholes from Arrivee Magazine.

They can all suck my red rocket.

TED: Hey, James.

How are you, sir?How are you?

Come here, come here.Thank you very much.

Okay, focus, focus.

Ooh, my face is really hot. I don't like powder.

They look great. The house looks really great.

More family. Like a family.

This is where I play, "How do I kill myself?"

Because I can't get out of this room.

Good.Something like this, James?


That's a suicide joke.

This is a really strange position for me.



Oh, it's beautiful.

Isn't that just the essence.Yes.

So, when I say family, what does it mean to you?



[JULIE CLEAR THROAT]Any of you can answer.

Hey, Joe.Yeah.

When you ordered the Chinese food, did you get two orders of sesame chicken?

Uh...We need two orders of sesame chicken.

I'll go call 'em back.Thank you.

RILEY: Run like the wind.TED: I'll jump in.

Gotta get this shit over with.

TED: Um, family means everything to me.

It really is...

It's my whole life, I mean, my family is my life.

It's really the whipped cream on the banana split of life.

And um...

You know, the girls and I, we've been through some rough times, but we know, we'll get through them together and we'll always be a family.

Oh, that's beautiful. Wait. Ooh!

Excellent. Got it.


Clara, I can see you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mmm, it's okay, Mom, don't worry. We can photoshop her out.

TED: Great. And that's a wrap.JAMES: But before we stop, I have a little side project we can bring you into.

[SIGHS] Christ.

Because I have, well, it's very exciting news, I have a book.

We'll put it up on the shelf there.

It's a very exciting time for me.

Congrats. That's awesome.Yeah, that's great.

The book is comprised of photos of people, the families, in their home, but hiding.

So, they're there but they're not there.

It's a play on mise en scene.

Okay. Well, good luck with that.

So, you'll do it.Huh?

You'll do it. So maybe, why don't you go behind the curtain.

The curtain.Yes, please.

I go behind the curtain.

And you pretty girl, you can go behind that love seat.

And you, other girl, you can go behind that love seat.

These are chairs.JAMES: Quick, quick.

TED: James, is this where you want me?

Mmm, I could see your foot.

TED: Okay.We have integrity here.

We must maintain the integrity.


JAMES: Focus. Focus. And, one, two...

Let me in. Please.

You can see me.

ADELIA: Please.

Please, let me in. Please.

Please. Please.

[SOFTLY] Please, please let me in.

JAMES: And this is the last one.

Beautiful.TED: Great. Right, that's a wrap.

JAMES: Beautiful.JULIE: Thank you, James. You're so good.

JAMES: Aww, you're so good.

TED: Okay, terrific. Thanks so much.

The exits right out there.

TED: Now, I think when you're done with the book, maybe you could uh, you know, come back up and we could do a personal shoot.

Sure, sure. If you write a book, I'd love to do your author pose.

TED: Well, that's something we could do also.

Um, I wouldn't mind that.

Tell me man, how do you live and work out here at the same time?

I mean, I would go nuts.

Ahh, that's the trick.

TED: You don't work.

Do you gold? Sail?

No, I drink.

Hey, hey, real quick.

Do you think we could get a quick photo of Ted and me?

I have so many pictures, it's stuck on my phone.

Millions. And I never see them.

It would be so nice to have a real photo of the two of us.

Uh, we just packed up.

How do you print out a photo from your phone?

I just have no idea. It's so crazy.

Honey, they're trying to beat traffic back to the city.

This isn't the best time to do that.

Just one photo, one photo.

It's be quick. It's be quick. I promise.

Um, I'm sorry.

Mmm. Mmm.I'm sorry.

Yeah. "Mmm," I know what that means, okay.


Pinch my neck.Pinch your neck.

There's...No, no, no, no, no, like this. Like this.

What are you talking about?Just, just do it.

Pinch your neck.Pinch my neck.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay.

That's better.Anytime.

Okay.Got it?

Thank you. Thank you so much.It's great.

Clara, that guy just wanted to leave.

You know, it's really embarrassing when you harass people at the last minute.

Why didn't you say something sooner?

He likes taking pictures. It's what he does for a living.

Yes, it's what he does for a living.

He doesn't like doing it for free.

Just read the room a little, okay?

Where's the fire, Ted? I wanted one God damn picture.

You didn't ask me to be in one of those photos.

Because you don't like getting your picture taken.

Maybe I do sometimes.

You just never ask.

Oh, okay. All right. Poor Clara. Boohoo.



♪ Saturday Sunday are the best

♪ You don't have to study for a test

♪ You can just be you...

I want my new nose to come out like my nose here.

You know, the bridge is like...

It's just sexy.

I think it's sad.

You know, we were, like, babies.

We were objectifying ourselves.

Fucking entertaining America since before we had pubes.

And I got pubes early, Joe.

I'm talking a huge bush by the time I was seven years old.

People would come from all over the world to see this thing.

Damn, right on.

Yeah, every working actor has to objectify themselves, believe it or not.

I just don't believe in doing that.

Maybe you should.

Must be a lot of pressure.

So, Joe, give us the shoreline goss?

What's the darkest shit that's been going down?

Um, well, do you remember Scott Worsen?

The biggest shithead in the world.

Yeah.I don't remember him.

Sweet Tits Sisters. Sweet Tits Sisters.

He would call us Sweet Tits Sisters.

Oh, yeah, he had the picture of the girl with a coke can up her ass in his locker.


He died in a boating accident.


[LAUGHING] That was not what I thought you were gonna say.

That's terrible.

That's sad.

Sorry, didn't mean to bring the vibe down.

You didn't. [LAUGHS]

TED: Shalom.



I really don't have to stay.

Are you kidding? It wouldn't be the same.

Come on, Joe.


You're like the salt of the Earth, just so humble, so Connecticut.

So genuine, so fragile New England.

Joe, what's your mom like?

Did I get enough food?


She, um, she worked in the office at middle school.

But, now she's a bartender at Rocky's.

Oh, I've done that.

Our mom was a Playboy Bunny at the Playboy club in New York.

Not my proudest achievement.

Back when you were dating Vince Granito, the sensitive poet.

I shall never give up me poetry.

He was a poet?

Very nice man. We dated a year, tops.

Because he was gay.

CLARA: No, he was not.

Honey, he was totally out of the closet when I met him at Shelia's party.

No, he wasn't. He was just nice.

We dated about a year and it faded out.

And I have no regrets. We're still friends.

Oh, God, please tell me he's not sending you poetry on Facebook.

No, we're just friends on there.

He doesn't post a lot and he's put on a lot of weight.

Riley, what happened to that part you're up for?


Oh, I, uh...

Well, I didn't get it.

I don't know what part you're talking about, dad.


I did get a meeting at a production office.

Mmm.Um, but it was because they thought I was Julie.

What?Are you kidding me?

RILEY: Yeah, it was ridiculous.

It was this modern office downtown with these, like, 20-year-old producers.

Oh yeah, I know that place. That's Mommy and Daddy Productions.

They can suck my dick.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

Oh God. Oh, wow!

What happened?

Broken nail.

Oh, your pinky nail? Your coke nail?

My mom really enjoyed cocaine.

This woman, in her day, she was a snow plough.

It was advertised as a healthy alternative to alcohol.

Uh, I'm sorry sweetie, I don't remember cocaine advertisements.

Weddings, funerals, you name the place, the woman had coke on her face.

TED: Yeah, she had a little vial around her neck that she was always...

RILEY: A drawer full of it.


JULIE: She used it as baby powder when I was a baby.

They're all making fun of you.

Stop making fun of me!


TED: Okay.

Jesus Christ, honey, we were just joking.

JULIE: Has that guy, Plotkin, emailed you about the script?

Yeah, he did. I haven't opened it yet.

What is it?

It's like this series about a father and daughter in Hollywood.

You should be in it too.

RILEY: People don't even know I'm still trying to work.

JULIE: Hey, Benny looks out for you all the time.

I appreciate all that Benny does, but when you put out an article out when you're 15 about how you're never acting again I guess people remember that.

I knew that was a bad idea when you did that.

I hated that.

Well, it was clearly a cry for help, Dad.

Well, okay.

Ugh. Those were the dark ages.

We literally weren't allowed to go through puberty.

Oh, come on.

Always down playing.

The sound guy on Sweet Sisters used to tape our tits with an ace bandage to hide out little bumps.

Okay, I believe you. So, what do you want me to do about it now?

Well, don't run off to Studio City.

Oh, okay.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Dear Ollie

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To

♪ You

♪ Many more Oh, you did it.

Who wants brownies?I'm actually so full right now.

I can't even think about brownies.

Joe, do you like watermelon?

Yeah.I have a new way of cutting it.

I saw a video. Wanna see?

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Dad, you know, Jinky's in Studio City is by far the best breakfast.

You gotta go there. The omelets are the size of your ass.

What a lame place to run off too to start a new life.

I wanna live near Universal Studios and ride the rides.

[MARTHA STEWART IMPRESSION] First, you pierce the skin of the melon with your knife.

Then you cut horizontally and vertically.

And then you, ever so gently, scoop the flesh of the melon into your wonderful bowl.

These mixing bowls are just spectacular.

My friend in Westport makes them.

[LAUGHING] Good job.

I didn't know you did impressions.I'm not that great.

Let's try this out. Yeah.


Hey, I saw you had a book loaned to you by the historical society upstairs.

Oh, that means my girls let you in my office?

Ugh, so embarrassed.

Oh, I don't care. I'm kinda a pack rat myself.

Ah, this is kinda embarrassing.

Oh, no, don't be embarrassed.

I have so many mugs under my bed.

You know, the ones that kinda meant something to me.

Like, my grandpa always used to use this one that just said, "Not today" on it.

And, I just kinda like that shit.

Sorry, crap.I like mugs, they're fun.

Anyway, my dad is actually a member of the Historical Society so I could take that book off your hands, if you want.

I think it's a couple of months past due.

Joe, do you know anything about the woman who lived in this house?

Oh, the Captain's daughter.

Uh, Adelia.

Yeah.She was the crazy one, right?

Crazy, how?

TED: What is going on in here?

Oh, I was just showing Joe my watermelon trick.

TED: Oh, that's so neat.

Did you feed Ollie?I was just about to.

Okay. Joseph, why don't you join me in the ballroom, you can watch me switch from vodka to scotch. Come on.

I'm gonna go hang out in the ballroom.

Thank you.


♪ There will be another song for me

♪ For I will sing it

♪ There will be another dream for me

♪ Someone will bring it

♪ I will drink the wine while it is warm

♪ And never let you catch me looking at the sun

♪ And after all the loves of my life


♪ After all the loves of my life

♪ You'll still be the one Ah, ah, not today.

♪ I will take my life into my hands

♪ And I will use it

♪ I will win the worship in their eyes

♪ And I will lose it...

Oh, Oliver, you are gonna live forever, buddy.



Oh, God, what?



What? Adelia, what do you, what do you want?

♪...MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

♪ All the sweet green icing flowing down

♪ Someone left the cake out in the rain...

Thank you.

♪...I don't think that I can take it

♪ 'Cause it took so long to bake it

♪ And I'll never have that recipe again

♪ Oh no

♪ Oh no

♪ No

♪ Oh no


Joe, what do you think of that comedian, Matt Byrne?

JULIE: Oh God, Dad, why?

I think he's super funny.Mmm, yeah, I figured you would.

He's really dry, uh,TED: Uh-huh.

...he does great voices.

I saw a special about a month ago, but I've been a fan since 2013.

Oh, wow, jeez, the guy's been in the business a long time, I guess.

Yeah, he has this, uh, this bit, where he's playing fish in a fish tank, like, judging the people.

And he's like this.

There's two fish, and he's like, "Look at this guy, he's making us watch him eat a Pokeball. That's just wrong.

Well, what's a Pokeball?"

And the Angel fish is the most dramatic fish.

So, he's like, "I don't know what a Pokeball is, "but I do know that's the flesh of our kind."

Ah, he goes, "Well, were..."

Dammit. "We're no better than him though, man.

"'cause we're literally cannibals.

"Because we ate Bob when floated down to the bottom the other day, remember that?

"No offense to bottom feeders."

The bottom feeders like, "Whatever, man. I'd rather eat shit than a Pokeball."

He does it better than me.

I don't, I don't know how to do the voices.


Now I get it. No, that one, that one has to kinda sink in.


Joe, do you dance?

I... No, no.Come on.

Come on. You know how to.


TED: Wow.


Okay, honey, no. Stop.

No. No, come on.

Why do you look so mean when you dance?

I never understood that.[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

That's not funny.[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

TED: What the hell?



CLARA: Joe, sit down...Okay.

Let's read ghost stories.

This house is really old.

It's like, 1862?

How in the shit did you know that?

Built by Captain Chadwick, the renowned sea captain.

The Captain, for his daughter. Yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Adelia.

JOE: Yep.

I actually know an Adelia in my acting class.

She is a huge cunt.

I don't know, there's not a whole lot on record, but, like, there was a thing about...

She walked through the town naked.

That's what Demi Moore's daughter did.

JULIE: She was protesting Instagram censoring nipples, I think?

What happened to her?

I think I still follow her, I'm not sure.

She's cool She's, like, an artist.

Yeah, she's really indie.

They sent her to a mental institution, but, after that, nobody really knows.

The Captain built this whole house for her and she never even really lived here.

But then, the Captain went to the woods, where she used to walk, and he killed himself.

It's so funny how people were killing themselves back then too, you know.

You know, you shouldn't be in an acting class.

You should just be out there auditioning.

That's how you learn to act.

I auditioned at Leon Silberman's house the other day.

What?RILEY: Wow.

Well, when was, what happened? What... How did it go?

Um, yeah, just happened, so I don't wanna jinx anything.

Well, what did you do for the audition?

Uh, just this monologue.

TED: Yeah, about what?

I don't know. I didn't get the full script.

Oh, well, honey, that's no reason not to know the material.

Did you tell him that you're my daughter?

No, of course not.

Well, why not?

Because, I know he knows.

Yeah, it's an awkward thing to say sometimes, just out of nowhere.

Yeah, I'm not talking to you.

Okay, just, fuck off.

Hey, let's just have fun. Joe and I wanna have fun, right?

TED: Honey, I'm just excited for you, that's all.

I would love to hear the monologue.

Hey, let's do a seance for Adelia.


Look, she's balancing the glass on my head.

I'm excited too, Julie.

It reminds me of when I auditioned for Robert Frances.

He's not super famous, but it was a really cool thing.

Okay, sweetheart, it really doesn't count if you were naked when you auditioned.



RILEY: 'Cause of our childhood, I feel like I have this warped idea of adulthood.

And I've realized that just because you ride old dick, doesn't make you any older.

You know.

I dated a senior when I was a freshman at UCONN.

Are you an Aries?



The Year of the Dragon.

The best one.

Julie. I really wanna hear this monologue.

I really do.


Because I'm a proud dad.

Come on, get up here. Come on.

We support you, Julie.

Up you go, you got lots of support.

Loving family here watching you.

Let's see what you got.

Where's my eye line?

Your eye line is right out there.

That's where your audience is. Sheesh.

Thought I had taught you how to act.


I didn't come here because I thought I was better than anyone else...Let me know when you're gonna start.

She was doing it.All right.

I didn't come here because I thought I was better than anyone else.

I came here because I thought I loved you.

That night.

I felt like I was going to pass out from frustration and pleasure at the same time.

I know I'm not safe with you.

I know you don't look at me and I don't want you to.

I need a change.

Get out of Manhattan.

Get out of here.

Or I could stay depending on you.


It's all on you!


If you could just forgive the shit that I put you through.

But here's the thing.

I do see things.

I do.


That's it.

That's it?

No, it's not the whole thing.

It's just the monologue that I auditioned with.


Well, jeez that was worth it.

Well, it's not, it's not you, honey, that was great.

It's, it's really his writing.

Joe, would you rather marry me but I'm really mean to you, but a great lay, or Cindy Crawford but, you can only see her on your wedding day.

It's like a twilight zone episode.

You're married to a supermodel you can't even see.


I just kinda feel like the guy's writing has gone soft.

I think he's gone soft.

You know, I mean, of course he's still brilliant.

Uh, you know, I'm never gonna say he's not brilliant.

But it's not like the old stuff.

And I'm not the only one that says that.

TED: Who's distributing this thing?

I think its for online like an online network.

Oh, my God, I can't believe he's pandering to internet shit.

Come on.

Yeah, okay, let's just stop fucking talking about it, all right?

You're jealous and it's completely transparent.

There's no fucking telling you anything.

Who's Cindy Crawford?I'm jealous?

How is that possible? I am your father.

Fathers aren't jealous of their kids.

Okay, only our entire lives.

Okay, fine, here we go.

We got the show and you didn't.

Since we got one fucking stupid job, you wouldn't forget it.

Riley wrote the book about it.

Riley wrote an e-book about it.

That's hurtful.

I say we sober up, hmm.

ALL: TOGETHER] 31, 32, 33.


JOE: Yeah!It burns.

It burns.It burns. It burns.

She's a priest.

Your mother's in here, Clarice, would you like to leave her a message?

I'll make sure she gets it.What a lovey day for an exorcism.

Okay, it's my turn. It's my turn.

All right, yeah, you got this.

It's my turn.All right. Okay. Present to the judges.

If you would, deep breath.

This is for you, Benny.

Benny. Benny can take gas.

ALL: TOGETHER] One, two, three, four...

ALL: Aww.

Oh, no.That is so cold.

You got it.TED: It's supposed to be cold, honey.

Clara you're next. Let's go.

TED: Actually, you know what, honey, I'm gonna go. I'm going.

You know what we're gonna do. I'm gonna do it, and then we're gonna see Joe do it, and see if he can beat my time.

And if you can, 500 bucks for you.

500 dollars? All right, shit, let's do it.

JULIE: He's so excited.

TED: Okay, here we go.

ALL: [TOGETHER] Oh, one, two, three...

Dad, your butt crack's out.

I don't know where I'm I right now?


Five, four, three, and he's in.

[TOGETHER] One, two, three, four, five...

Okay, that's good. You're doing it.

Hold on there, pal.

Nope. Get back in there.

Just think of a Matt Byrne joke.

You can do more than that.

RILEY: Focus.TED: Come on.

Dad, you should let him up. He's drowning.

Hey, he's fine. Relax.

He's good.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Didn't really go very well, did it?

That's okay. We'll take a little breather, and we'll try it again a little later.

Yeah, we'll do it later.Seance time.

Seance? Seance.

Seance time. That's right.

I think I gotta go home soon.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

We're gonna fill our glasses and we're gonna have ourselves a seance.

[SING-SONG MANNER] We're gonna have a seance. We're gonna have a seance.

Seance. Seance. Seance.

They say if you stare at a flame for too long, you'll go crazy and start seeing fire...

[WHISPERS] ...where there's no fire.

Joe, I wanna read your palm.


CLARA: Okay.

So, this here is your heart line and it runs horizontally.

And this line here is your head line, it runs across your palm.

That's about your state of mind.

And then this one is your life line.

It's not about how long you live.

Like, a lot of people think it's about how you live.

Your vitality, your prosperity, and your strength.

Okay, uh, Clara, just to give you a little update, they do have a shoe in custody down at the police station.

Uh, they have it in the tank, they're gonna interrogate it for a little while.

TED: But they may ask you to come down and take a look at a line-up.

I feel like Benny wants me to look like this.

What's... Is that his ex-girlfriend look like...

I want my shoe.

Yeah, well honey, I want that part in the show that Benny fired me from, but sometimes the things we want just kinda walk away from us, don't they?

Seance time.

I'm not down here complaining about how I wasn't even cast in the series you two are apparently doing.

Hey, you know, sweetheart, the problem with you, is that you're trying to be a Jack of all trades right now, which I think is wonderful, but, you know, when people want you for something, they don't think of you in that particular way, you know what I mean?

Okay, privileged white man.

Oh, shit!I like to think of my brand as having more to offer than just one thing.

All right. I'm just telling you this because I love you, sweetie.

You and Julie don't get it.

All you care about is money and offers and how they treating you.

You don't care about process, it's not art to you like it is for me, okay?

Uh, what about that fucking kickstarter I donated 5,000 dollars to?

What happened to that?

TED: I, uh, donated twice that.

RILEY: Again, process.

[LAUGHING]Okay, well, let's not argue, all right?

Yeah, I wouldn't want you to run to Studio City for three years, renting a weird porn house.

Okay, I guess Dad's a very, very bad man.

Riley, that kickstarter...

Come on. What the hell was that?

Like, for you to take a trip so you can get an idea to be inspired?

It's so entitled.

I'm sorry, but, it's gross.

Well, why don't we all clasp our hands together, shall we?

TED: Clara, your hand, please.

[IN VICTORIAN ACCENT] Let us close thine eyes for we are about to make contact with Amelia.


Joe, show me how you make a Moscow Mule?

Oh, perfect, yes, Joe.

Do make my wife another drink. That's exactly what she needs, I think.

All right.TED: Moscow Mule, Joe.

♪ Joe and the Moscow Mules

♪ Take it away Joey What are you doing, Ms. Reynolds?

♪ You take it away now Joey...

They're better in copper mugs, but, here you go.

Joe, I'm not that picky.

You know that about me by now.


Do you want anything to eat?

They made brownies in the kitchen and they didn't eat them.

Hey, why'd you lock 'em in the basement?

Is that some kind of family inside joke?


Jesus, God!

These taste like shit.

Riley cannot make brownies.

Taste. I don't know if she used rotten eggs, or bad oil.

I don't really know how they could be helped.

You know.

[WHISPERS] I worry about that kid.

She's just...

She just doesn't seem to...

Oh. You okay? Here, use this as your barf bag. I'm sorry.




If there's someone here with us, please make a noise.

Any noise will do.

Any noise you like, sugar tits.


That's so tight, you can see her pussy from behind.

Remember the Mel Gibson tape?

Doh! No!That's a quote from What Women Want.

Oh!Please, come on. Let's take this seriously.

We're doing a seance down here. Now, come on.

You want to be very quiet now.

Let's see if the spirits will make a noise for us.


Did you hear that?

Something's with us.

This sucks.

Do you wanna try out my "At home" laser kit that Benny got me?

I guess so.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

I'd love to have some of them brownies right about now.

It's stuck.


[IN DRACULA VOICE] Ooh, maybe the spirits in this room don't want us to get out.

The door is stuck.

No, it's not.


It feels like it's latched from the other side.

How the fuck did that happen?

Which one of you brainiacs did that?




Woah! Ah!

[WHISPERING] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Joe.

I was excited. I'll calm down.

Joe, here.


Look at that. Do you see that, Joe?

Do you see that?

I think I should go.

Oh, Joe. Sweet Joe.

Help me find my shoe.

I'm sorry, Ms. Reynolds.

Help me let them out then.

That latch does stick.

Okay, but then I wanna go home.Okay.



Hey. I got an idea.

Why don't we think of a funny Matt Byrne bit.

Hey, do you guys remember the one where he accidentally puts his girlfriend's underpants on?

And then he goes to a park.

And then, he's in the men's room, and his boss sydelles up next to him and he sees the girl's underpants.


No, maybe, you wouldn't have been fired if you hadn't told the director the only reason she was hired was 'cause she's a woman.

I never said "woman." I called her a little girl.

She was, like, 25 years old.

Is that why Benny said I was fired?

In case we need it for the door.

You have to respect women in this business and children.

Especially when they're your own children.

Oh! Lord!

A pox your throat.

You bowling, blasphemous, infamous fool.

No more rent money for you this month, Missy.

Maybe you gonna have to go out and work for a living for a change.

That's really tragic considering your age, I mean, you're almost 30.

You shouldn't be out there working, you should be swinging with the other children on the play set.

Stupid baby.

Oh, just shut up!

Who said that?

What are you doing?

Mrs. Reynolds, what are you... Hey!



What are you doing?

What is going on?

I didn't mean to.

Joe, don't open the door.

It's safer that way. Go home.

I-I won't tell anyone.

I just wanna go to bed.

I'm sorry, I just thought I'd make a little cash.

I didn't know it would be like this.

I'd really...

I do like you, Clara.

I think you deserve love and respect.

Are you all okay in there?


Clara, the door's locked.

TED: Could you help us out here, please sweetie?

I'm worried. I let someone in the house.

Unlock the fucking door, Mom.

You're being a bitch.

No, no, listen to me.

She's inside me.

And, she's sick.

She's not well.

JULIE: What?TED: Okay, ...very funny. You and Joe smoked a little wacky weed.

That's fine. I'm not mad. Just open the door.

I'll get help.TED: Okay.

I'll get help.

TED: Help to undo the door.

Okay, thanks sweetie.

Um, do me a favor, don't get Mr. Montalto.

Can't deal with that prick right now.

Okay, well...

I didn't wanna ruin this door but looks like I have no choice.

It's okay, girls. Yeah.

You can just stay where you are. Don't worry.

I got this.


Ow! Oh!

You're welcome, girls.

You're welcome.


What the fuck.

Where is she?

Hello? Mom.


Oh, my God!

My wedding is in nice weeks.

TED: Sometimes that shark, he looks right at ya.

Right in your eyes.

The thing about a shark's eyes, is the lifeless eyes.

Black, doll's eyes.

I think I just saw a coyote.

TED: And then he comes at you.

Doesn't even seem to be living.

Till he bites you.

TED: Oh, and then those black eyes...

Mom hasn't done shit to clean up her office.

Benny's gonna be so mad at me.

Why are we out here?We needed air.

The ocean turns red.

You hear that horrible, high-pitched screaming...

Do you remember that Daddy Yankee song Gasolina that we loved so much in high school?


Benny doesn't even remember it.

'Cause he was 40 when it came out.

It's okay. It's not the best song.



RILEY: Probably up there, burrowing in her receipts.

Julie, will you please do that show in Brooklyn with me?

I know it's embarrassing, but it could be really fun, and I could really use the money right now, honestly.

Riley, you have to learn to say no to things that you don't wanna do.

That's how you get the things that you do want.

Okay, but I'm not in the same boat as you.

I can't just say no because I don't want it.Sorry.

It's too embarrassing, okay?

You gotta let go of the Sweet Sisters.

Uh, "Let it go," yeah, I have.[TED MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

I've tried. I've tried to forget it ever happened.

It did nothing good for me.Or me.

Yeah, but you managed to work afterwards, whereas, I, yeah, I have to do the, "Look what she looks like now" shit over and over.

And yeah, I don't like it. It's depressing. It's not all I have.

JULIE: Riley!


Oh, my God.

TED: Are you all right?

I-I think so.Wow.

What happened?

The flower pot almost fell on Riley.

Uh, what's with the knife there, Lorena Bobbitt.

I was cutting watermelon with Joe, and he had to go home.

You're high.

She's totally high, right?

Julie, what happened to your face?

W-What do you mean?

It's not your face anymore.

It's been butchered.

You've paid doctors to slice up your face, and it doesn't look good, honey.

It looks bad. It's one of those fake faces.

That's what you have now, is a fake face.

Okay, you know, I think maybe we've had a little too much to drink.

And your lips. Whose lips are those?

Who do they belong to? They're not your lips.

Come into this world with a beautiful face, and you wanna slice it all up.

Who do you belong to?

Okay, all right, this is... That's enough of this.

Let me have it. Let me have the knife.Get off of me.


Jesus.And you. You're the worst of them.

How?You know me.

You knew me.


I think your mom needs a little water.

TED: Let's, let's get mom some water. Will you? Please?

Honey. Honey.

Here, sit down. Just sit down.

So, what's uh, what's going on with you?

I mean, everything's gonna be okay.

We'll sober up. We always do.

Sort of.

And you're wrong. I do know you, honey.

I still know you.

I'm no one.

I'm no one to you anymore.

You can't even see me.


JULIE: Ollie!What the hell is that?

What? What was that? What the hell was that?

We just found him eating brownies.

Why the hell would you give him brownies?

You know they're not good for him.

We didn't!Mom must have, or Joe.

Where the fuck is Mom?

She's on the porch. Clara.

Clara, you better come in here.

JULIE: Who did this to you?

JULIE: Oh, boy.Clara!

Shit, I'll go get her.

Oh, boy, you can't die. It's his birthday.

TED: Clara.

Clara, did you...

Oh, fuck.


Okay, did she come back in here?

No. Mom, Ollie is gonna die!

Riley, here, put Ollie in the car.

Julie, come with me, we're gonna find mom.




TED: Clara.


TED: Clara, come on.

JULIE: Where are you?

JULIE: Mom! This isn't okay!

TED: Clara.


TED: Clar...


And she's gone.



What the hell is that?

It's a bunny.

[SIGHS] They said to give it 24 hours.

I'm scared. She's so trashed.

I've got a killer hemorrhoid going on.

I hope they have something here for me.

JULIE: I'm worried about where Mom is.

Why?Because we can't find Mom.

We can. True, true.


Where's Clara?

We don't know right now.


Okay, well, Ollie is very weak.

We've been pumping his stomach, but he's not breathing too well.

You should call Clara, Ted.

Hey, Ted.


What the... You guys, he ingested a lot of chocolate and he already has a bad heart.

How did this happen?

Someone left a plate of brownies on the floor.

Who did that?

We don't know.



Oh, okay, great.

There's a drunk lady at the police station.


Um, can I call you a cab?

Thank you so much.

Can I have my magazine?

You can sit right here, you're ex-wife...

Right here.

Fuck you! Fucking morons.

Look, want a show?

Fucking perverted.


Get out, fucking the dicks, shits.

She's lovely, but uh, that's not Clara.

Mom never wears jean shorts.

It's kinda sad.

I'd love to see her in some sexy denim cutoffs.

Okay, thank you, Julie.








What are some of Mom's hotspots?

Oh, come on, honey, you know we never leave this place.

Home Depot.What?

All the men there have boners for Mom.

Ugh, please.JULIE: I bet it's true.

What about the coyotes?


It's Mom's.

Mom's shirt.

It's got blood on it.

Dad, do something.

Okay, girls.

I want you to go back to the house now.

We'll pick up Ollie and, we'll find Mom.

We'll figure this out.


No, we found her bloody shirt.

Yeah, it's bloody.

And there are coyotes.

Oh, Mom, Mom!


It's her phone. I'm gonna call you back.



Hi there, this is Richard Gardner of the Gardner Family Wine company.

We received your very kind and thoughtful message, uh, Clara and wanted to reach out directly and answer your question about our unique fruity flavor but, also just thank you for calling in.

It was just really nice.

You're welcome.

So, an officer is gonna meet us by the stone wall.

Still no word from Joe?

He ruined everything.

You should not get your weed from him anymore, Ri.

TED: Clara.


It's okay.

Come here, come on.

Come on, honey. Come here.

You know, it was cold out there.

I bet.

But it felt good?

I thought I was gonna have a panic attack.

Yeah, I'm hung over already.

JULIE: So is Ollie.

They were in your closet this whole time.

I know.

He's the best of all of us.

Hey, Mom, you didn't give Ollie brownies, did you?

No, of course not.

JULIE: It must have been Poo-poo.

So fucked up.

Oh, you get in here, girl.

Come on, now.

Park her right in there.

You know, Clara, if this was a cry for attention, we should have picked a busier town.

Old Lyme falls asleep by 9:00 p.m.

JULIE: Good night, family.

Love you.

RILEY: Good night, love you.

Love you, girls.

Sleep well.

[WHISPERS] I love you.