Clown Fear (2020) Script

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Why are you always mixing with the outsiders?

She was a fan of the show. She liked the act.

Wanted to see my grand finale.

Eh, he's a drunk. He won't remember anything in the morning.

Oh, I'll remember, you dried-up cunt.

I remember everything. I still use my head.

That's the problem.

You keep using the wrong goddamn head!

Bah!

Baby, it's okay.

A man has to release his manhood sometimes.

He's just doing what he's built to do.

He's feeding his ancestors.

I don't mind if he goes out and plays with 'em.

But why does he have to bring these whores back here?!

We got rules for a reason. And, you know what?

If we're gonna influence the others, we need to keep them here with us.

We got to keep this all quiet.

Baby, am I sensing a little of the green-eyed monster?

Don't you start with me.

-Don't you start with me. -Is mommy getting jealous?

-Stop that now! You stop that! -Mama's getting jealous.

-Mama's getting jealous. -I'm not one of those whores!

-Now knock it off! -Whore?!

Where's there a whore? Let me at her.

I think we have a little visitor.

-Uncle Joey. -Hey.

I'm sorry. I had a bad dream.

And then I heard someone screaming.

So I came downstairs.

Kat, what did we tell you about coming down here?

Oh, leave her alone.

She ain't hurting no one.

Look at her. She's just a little kid.

You kinky little man.

Who's that?

Uh...

This, Kat, this is an outsider.

What the fuck, baby, Joey? Un-fucking-tie me!

Uh...

And this, Kat...

...this...

This is what we do to outsiders.

Hey, no, no! Not in front of Kat!

No, no!

Give her to me. Give her to me. Watch.


Woman: Well, I almost died.

How the hell should I know?

Of course I'm okay.

How the fuck would I be calling if I wasn't okay?

No, I'm not gonna fucking calm down, okay?!

I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere.

I practically almost died.

This guy came out of nowhere and I didn't hit him.

That's why I'm in this predicament.

It's raining and it's fucking pitch-black out.

No, I'm gonna stay strapped in until help comes.

What happened to the guy?

How the hell should I know?

He was here one second and gone the next.

I can't see a goddamn thing in this weather.

Shh. Did you hear that?

Oh, my-- No!

I'm okay. I'm just wet.

Hello? Oh, god damn it!

Fuck! Oh, my God!

Is someone there?


Creepy.


Not a scratch.

I'm a fucking rock star.

¶¶

Did you move on me?

Typical.

God, I could really use a drink.

And, of course, there's no minibar in the funhouse.

God, I love me!

Oh, yes.


Now that I've had this life-changing event, I'm so over you, Ryan.

But you're still buying me that brand-new car.


That's what you get, you little perv!


Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Oh, my gosh! There she is, our princess!

And you're just in time.

Actually, you're like three chapters too late, -but you do look like a princess. -Mm-hmm.

Sorry.

That dress looks perfect on all of you.

-You're so beautiful. -Yes, she is.

She's the future Mrs. Ferguson.

-Aw! -Hey, baby.

You look just like James Bond in that suit.

Why thank you, my darling.

I thought you ran off on me.

Not in a million years, Tommy bear.

Okay.

We are reunited and it feels so good.

But the thrill of flirting with old minister is wearing thin, and unless Tommy bear over here forks over another 50, let's get the show on the road.

-Mia, it is her wedding day, okay? -Ow.

I'm saying, be a little more sacred, that's all.

There is a drive-thru at the back of the building.

See? That's why I don't understand.

Why'd you make her the maid of honor? I'm just saying.

-Oh, my God! -I'm just saying.

Here we go.

Oh, my God. What, Nicole?

Nothing. I'm Switzerland.

-What does that even mean? -It means she's neutral.

That doesn't even make any sense.

You either agree or you disagree. Can you shut up?

Remember we said that we weren't going to do this?

Babe?

-What? -Thomas: Yeah, uh, hey.

Well, I actually told Carlee that she shouldn't even have invited you guys.

-Thomas. -Mia: Wow.

What? No, no, no, no.

I mean, okay, so here we have the slutty one.

-Wow. -And over there we have the nerdy kinda bangable girl with the glasses, which I kinda like.

But, you, oh, you... No, no, no.

-You are the needy, desperate girl. -Stop.

-Hey, but you're all equally annoying. -Oh, my God.

And after today, we're going to be married, and we don't need you bitches.

-Whoa. -Damn.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Unless one of you beautiful, fine ladies would like to have dinner with me this evening.

Have you both lost your mind?

And could you quit calling them "bitches"?

-Jesus. Sorry. -What?

You said we're not gonna do this anymore.

Okay, what I meant was, we're not going to keep fighting-- the girls aren't, and--

Okay!

The slutty one thinks it's cool.

Let's just get you two married.

-Great. -Well, I have an idea.

No, shut up.

Hello? Remember me?

-Sorry. -Thanks.

This reminds me of the proverb:

"A slip of the foot, you may recover, but a slip of the tongue, never, never."

Okay, that's not the Bible. That's Benjamin Franklin.

Honey, I'm trying, okay?

And, you, ID?

-Shit. -No ID, no certificate.

I left it in the car, babe. I'm sorry.

I'll go get it, okay? Just relax, babe.

Okay, we're fine, right, girls? I'm sorry.

It's okay, I'll get it. Just relax. I'll be back.

-Relax, huh. -Okay.

-We're good, right, girls? -Yeah.

Okay, I love you. We're getting married.

Okay, Miles, can you just go get your--

Thanks, babe.

Sorry.

You're getting married!


Son of a bitch.

Priest: Friends, we are gathered here on this serious occasion

to celebrate the union of two souls coming together

forever as one for all of eternity.

The scriptures tell us that love come forth like sunshine after the rain.

Not the Bible.

That's Shakespeare. Hello?

Let's just get to it, okay?

Do you, Carlee, take Thomas to be your husband, to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

And how about you, Thomas, do you take Carlee to be your wife for as long as you both shall live?

No.

Not today. Not ever.

Come on, man. Stop playing.

Stop playing.

Did you fucking cheat on me last night?

No. I--

Well, yeah, but-- you said we had a pass.

A fucking pass?!

I should've known you're just like your slutty friends.

Stop calling them that. I mean, you're gonna laugh when I tell you.

-It's-- -Really, Carlee, I'm gonna laugh?

You're hurtful.

After everything I have done for you, you are ungrateful.

No, baby, it's not like that.

-I've put up with this shit long enough. -You don't mean that.

You don't mean that.

Yes, yes I do.

We're done.

This is it forever.

I never want to see you again.

And when you get back, all your shit will be on the street.

No, baby.

What was I thinking getting married to you?

I have this dress and all my friends--

Just fucking leave.

No.

Just fucking leave.

Hey, you know what? Come here. You don't deserve this.

Let's go. Come on. Come on. It's okay. It's okay.

You know what? Super grateful this is fucking over!

-And take your slutty friend with you, please. -Fuck you.

That's mean.

¶¶


That didn't go very well.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to be judgy, but, I mean just wondering, like, why would you cheat the night before your wedding?

-Come on. -Seriously?

Yeah, I'm gonna stay out of this.

Yeah, of course you would.

I didn't cheat, okay?

Okay, well, not technically.

¶¶

Sorry it didn't work out.

If you guys make up, I'll do it next time for half price.

Yeah.

I just don't think that's gonna happen.

Look, man, there's a lot of hot bitches out here.

Let's just hit up a strip club and get drunk.

We're in Sin City, baby.

Shit. I still have her phone.

Yo, don't look at it. He's gonna send a dick pic.

What? No, no. Here, you take it.

Mm.

Not bad. I like it.

Hey, I got no problem. My uncle's that way.

You guys should see this. Fantastic.

I got a question.

Uh, do you think it looks like he would be... bigger than me?

Not that I'm worried or anything.

Bigger than these?

Oh, shit.

Question number two, then, and let's be honest.

Why was I the only one not invited to the bachelorette, then?

Because, Amber, we knew how you'd be.

Oh, and how is that?

All right, I love you, Amber, but if Mia would've told you that we invited a stripper to the bachelorette party, you would've freaked.

-Fair? -No.

I think I would've been cool with it.

What?

No, I can't even stay quiet on that one.

Really?

You know what? You guys are bitches.

Fine, okay?

Yes, I think it's a little weird that you had a stripper at your bachelorette party.

I mean, I've never even met a stripper.

-Oh, my God. -What?

I actually love you.

You know what? Shut up.

Fine, okay, tell me. Like, what's she even like?

It's a girl.

She was with a girl last night.

Wow. Your girl just got hotter.

-Right? -Damn.

Hey, that's my fiancée you're talking about.

God, I'm so stupid.

Mia told me she was gonna hire a stripper last night.

Big cans, just like I like 'em.

-Mm-hmm. -Big titties.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Okay. All right.

So you're telling me, just so I got this straight, that you weren't cheating-- you were having a fun romp with a stripper the night before the wedding.

Okay, first of all, one, she wasn't exactly a stripper.

I would call her an adult entertainer.

-Oh, please. -What?

That's what the business card said.

Two, Thomas and I have an agreement that it's not considered cheating if it's with a chick.

Wow. What planet is this?

To quote the scriptures, you win some, you lose some.

Obviously you never read a Bible before.

All right, you got me.

I just wanted to stay in character.

And, you know, you got your money's worth.

That's Vegas.

We gotta go get her back.

We don't even know where they went.

I don't care. We gotta get her back.

There's only one road out of Vegas, okay?

It can't be that difficult.

Road trip.

Yes!

Oh, no. Not you.

Okay, so if you and Thomas have this great setup, you've been together for seven years, why do you even need to get married?

I don't know.

'Cause I can't imagine a future without him.

-Ugh. -See?

Because he's Tommy bear.

God, he was such a dick.

I can't even imagine talking to him.

That's good, because you don't have your phone.

Fuck.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because we don't have any service.

I've been checking since we've left. Trust me.

And now we're gonna be stuck in these ridiculous dresses.

Hey, I love these dresses.

-Thank you, Amber. -Mm-hmm.

You know what? Let's just get out of Vegas for a couple hours.

It'll give me time to think, and there's a great spa a couple hours in the middle of the desert.

They'll give us robes. We won't need our cell phones.

And, um...

Thomas says that he is really, really sorry.

Well, then shit.

All is forgiven then.

-Yes. -Yes.

Okay.


Where the fuck are we?

I think I passed it.

Why didn't you wake me up and ask for directions?

I just-- I thought I would see it along the road.

What the hell was that?

I think I'm seeing things.

What is it?

A-- A clown in the middle of the desert flipping us the bird.

Oh, my God. Honey, you really need to lay off the shrooms.

Are we there yet, guys?

Uh, no. Mia almost hit a clown, and we're lost.

Wait, what? What time is it?

It's dark o'clock.

We are not lost.

And my quick reflexes saved wildlife from crossing the road.

Yeah. Wildlife.

And we're lost.

Okay, but how can we be lost?

It's literally a one-way highway.

Morning, sunshine.

Just in time to start bitching at me.

I can't imagine why you're single.

Fuck off, Mia.

I'm literally pointing out that if you used GPS

-like a normal person... -There's no signal out here.

Well, that's no frickin' bueno.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Well, we still don't have service.

Wait. Guys, look.

Okay, it's a motel.

So we could use their phone.

I am not walking over there in these heels.

Then stay here if you want to.

Okay, I'm coming.

Hey, I thought we were on a truce.

I'm sorry. How's your head?

It hurts.

Of all the motels in all the world, we just happen to break down in front of the creepiest motel ever.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, who even builds a creepy motel in the middle of nowhere besides a deranged lunatic?

Guys, it's not creepy.

It's kinda kitschy.

I'm pretty terrified.

Gonna be okay.

It's just a weird motel in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, thanks. That helps.

We all float down here.

Stop!

Shh.

-Oh, careful. -Can't believe we're going in the clown motel...

Okay, wow.

Wow.

Holy shit.

This is so cool.

Um, I'm scared.

What do you ladies expect from a Clown Inn?

Hello.

Hello!

Great, that's exactly what you'd say before someone comes in and brutally murders us all.

-I heard you the first time! -Okay.

-Oh, my God. -No need to get your panties in a bunch.

Now, what can I do for you?

Just, uh, we'd, uh, love to check into your love-- lovely inn.

Fine.

Great. What the fuck was that?

I know, right?

Where'd she go?

I don't know.

Okay.

Quit it. Stop it.

Another dead soldier.

I got you, homie.

Yo, how far are we gonna drive, man?

They probably already headed back to Vegas where we should be finding new bitches.

No. We would have passed them if they were going the opposite direction.

Look, I gotta find her, okay?

I gotta find her.

I would never forgive myself if I didn't.

All right, chill out. We'll find 'em.

Hey. Thanks.

Thanks for being there.

God, I just don't know how things got so fucked up, man.

Because bitches are crazy.

For real. I mean, I'm down with the hashtag "me too" and all, but bitches are really fucking crazy.

What do you know about "me too"?

Oh, I know.

I bet you know.

What the fuck?

Oh, my...

-What is that? -Shit, man.

Who is that?

I'm sorry about the "me too" comment.

Fuck.

¶¶

Where the fuck is that music coming from?

That's the question you're asking me?

Yeah. That shit's creepy.

Thomas: How about, why there is a big fucking clown there with a motherfucking rabbit?

What is he about to do with that bunny?

Something tells me we are about to find out.

I don't fuck with clowns, man. They scare the shit out of me.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Okay...

That's just some creepy guy, okay?

With fucking makeup on his face.

Relax.

I don't think so.

Miles: Oh, my fucking goodness. Go, man.

Get the fuck out of here.

Stop playing, man! That shit ain't funny.

The car won't start, okay?

Shit. Go! Go!

Come on, man, stop playing! This shit for real!

Get out of here! What the fuck, man!

Let's go, let's go!

-Shit! -What the fuck? Let's go!

Relax.

-Hee hee hee! -Oh, Jesus Christ!

Just go!

The car won't fucking start!

He wants me to roll the window down.

Let's get out of here!

Come on! Come on!

Where'd he go?

Shit, man, this is just like one of them horror movies.

And guess who's the first one to die?

Me!

This ain't a movie, and you're not gonna die.

Where did he go?

-What is that? -I don't know.

It's all around us.

You just knocked him out.

Go check! Check! Is he still down?

Is he still there?!

Fuck, all right. Shit.

-Do you see him? -I hear something.

Miles, do you hear that? Miles!

Miles? Miles!

Fuck! What the fuck!

Fuck!

We gonna go after him, Tiny?

Nah, let the vultures get him.

Hey, Carlee, I still don't have service.

Will you see if they have any Wi-Fi?

Okay, but I highly doubt it.

Excuse me, do you have any Wi-Fi?

Excuse me, do you have any Wi-Fi?

Why yes, yes we do.

I have to get my daughter to turn it on, she's a wiz at that um-- um, um-- that computer stuff.

You kids these days, you just think you know everything.

Mia: So, um...

Um, so, what do you girls think of this place?

I think it's kind of creepy.

And Myrtle over there is one taco short of a combination plate.

But I think we should stay the night.

Yeah, she's been hitting the sauce, I can smell it on her breath.

Of course.

-I'd be drunk every day if I was living here. -True.

Um, hello? I vote we don't stay.

I think it's really scary.

I think we should call an Uber and get out of here.

Babe, this place is harmless.

I'll protect you from anything that tries to get near your panties tonight.

But FYI, Uber's not gonna drive all the way out here

-just to pick us up. -True.

Oh, but Carlee, you could call Thomas.

Just saying.

Okay, new plan. We stay here... for the night, and then we get the car fixed in the morning, and we let everything kind of blow over.

Besides, you guys will get your money out of your dresses.

Yeah, 'cause they're so comfy.

Yeah, well, it's dark. It's the logical thing to do.

Yeah. Think of it as an adventure.

Okay.

We're gonna laugh about this when we're older.

We are older.

Hi, I'm Kat. My mom tells me you want to use the Wi-Fi.

-Oh, good. -I just turned it back on.

We don't like to keep it on at night 'cause some customers like to surf porn.

Porn is a sin!

People fornicatin' so others can watch.

It's punishable.

Punishable!

-Oh. -Wow.

I hear you want two rooms?

Yeah. Two rooms, two beds.

Sure. I'll put you right next to each other.

Thanks.

Uh...

Uh, okay. Let's go.

-Your rooms are upstairs and around the corner. -All right.

Sleep tight.

Thanks, Kat.

Oh, my God.

These beds are made for small people.

Oh. There must be a mix-up in the room.

These beds are for little kids.

This is ridiculous!

They gave us clown beds.

Oh, my God. They gave you guys the same thing.

Gross.

Gross.

-This is bullshit. -Yeah!

I am going to smoke. You in?

No, no, no, no, no.

Guys, I'm really tired. Honesty, today's been really scary.

I'm gonna go to bed, and I'm really hoping when I wake up, this whole nightmare's over. This is scary.

-Goodnight! -Goodnight.

Well, I'm going to take a bath because we missed the spa.

Just to have a little sex session, if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. You, you're up.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be down in a bit. I'm just trying to find service.

I just haven't got it yet.

Don't go on any porn.

You don't want Myrtle the turtle to see.

Myrtle the turtle.

Bye!

Ah. This is actually super comfortable.


Mm.

Thomas would love this.


Mia?

Mia Pia?

Amber?

Amber?

Oh, my God.

Dude, your face! I'm so sorry.

Not funny.

I was looking for reception in the room and I still couldn't find it.

You scared the shit out of me.

I was trying to have a nice moment out here. Fuck.

Oh, yeah, I love cemeteries too.

I'm talking about the stars, dumbass.

Fucking stars.

Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Yeah, that's what freaks me out.

Aren't you just like a little curious about what goes on on the other side?

No, Nicole I'm not.

Fuck.

Thanks, girl.

Hey!

There's something out there.

Hello?

What are you doing out here?

Oh, I'm just having a smoke.

Is that what I think it is?

Uh, yeah. Is that okay?

Yes. Can I?

Yeah! Here, take the whole thing.

Oh, I just want a drag.

No, trust me, there's plenty where that came from.

Are you one of those runaway brides?

Yeah-- How--

The dress. Yeah.

No, I'm just an idiot.

He was gonna marry you?

Yeah.

So it was serious?

You know, I was late for my own wedding.

I just left him standing there at the altar.

I should have stayed and like, fought for him.

Well, you're gonna need a new dress now, though.

It's still the prettiest dress I've ever seen.

Thanks. I got it for 50 bucks at Goodwill.

You're kidding.

Yeah, I'm like a bargain shopper.

Just like my momma. She's a coupon cutter and a bargain bin picker.

Yeah, my mom too.

That must have been where I got it from.

She died when I was a kid though.

Oh, that's-- that's too bad.

Yeah. Fuckin' life.

Must be pretty boring for you out here.

You're so pretty.

You got a boyfriend?

Well, no.

I'm not allowed to talk to them.

My parents say boys are bad.

I like them though.

You're kidding?

Shit, so... you're telling me you've never been with a boy?

Have you... been... with your boy?

Yeah, I've been with him and a couple other boys, and some girls, too.

I wish I was more like you.

Yeah?

How so?

You just seem so strong and confident.

Thanks, Kat.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

God, I don't feel like that lately.

I'll take the compliment.

There is one boy in this town I like, but he's too immature.

Oh, yeah?

Well, most boys are.

And you know what?

They don't ever grow up, anyway.

His name is Matthew.

He's been trying to get with me, but...

I have to keep him from my parents.

How old are you?

Twenty-four.

Just had my birthday last month.

You're 24 and you've never been laid?

You're quite the enigma. You're so innocent.

You wanna do something fun tomorrow?

-There's a hot springs close by. -Yeah?

Yeah, you know what? That's perfect.

Actually, you know, that's what the girls and I were gonna do, is go to a spa before we ended up in this dump.

Okay, no offense, but...

Yeah, that'd be cool.

-I'll tell 'em. -I can take you guys.

Matthew's gonna be there, too.

Ah-ha. All right, I can see why you'd be there.

You know... you're smart.

You know, I gotta hit the hay.

-I'll see you tomorrow. -Good night.

-Here. -Thanks again for this.

Yeah, no problem.

-Night! -Good night.


Car?

Is that you, babe?

Mm. Sure was a long smoke break.

What the fuck?

Hey, Mia! Wake up!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Here, I got you.

Oh, my God, you almost drowned.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

Wow, I just had the worst nightmare.

Yeah.

These clowns were trying to drown me.

Wow, okay.

Yeah. Holy shit.

That was so real.

I think it's just all these clown pictures in this place.

God, get me out of this tub.

¶¶


Okay.

I know what you'd say, Miles, I know what you'd say:

"You're gonna get those motherfuckers, right?"

I'm supposed to--

I'm supposed to be getting married.

The fucking clowns!

I'm sorry, Miles. I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm fucking sorry.

How the fuck am I here?

Fuck.

You wanna fuck with me?!

All right, all right.

All right, Miles.

I'm gonna do this for you, buddy.

This is for you. This is for you.

You fuckers!

Clown: Come on, do it!

Yeah...

You must be willing to sacrifice for the brotherhood.

-Through it, hey? -Yeah.

Hey, hey!

Fucking liar!

I seen you, man.

-I was-- -I'd do it all for the brotherhood.

-Let's spin. -Uh-huh.

Whoa-ho.

You shut up!

I ain't afraid.

Come on!

Fucker's gonna shoot himself. Fuck!

This is for you, Miles.

Stupid clowns!

You guys are... crazy.

This is for Miles!

He didn't deserve to die!

And this is just for that rabbit!

Whoa! Oh!

Ahh!

So, who are you?

I take it you're the big stupid clown?

Oh!

Shit!

You got spunk, kid, got to give you that.

Don't you worry about that little bunny.

I got another bunny in mind for you.

You boys. You fuckers!

You're as useless as tits on a bull!

Now, get him inside!

Now!

¶¶


Fuck.

God, for a population of fucking 5, there sure is a lot of noise in the morning.

Fuck.

-What is wrong? -My purse!

-What? -Oh, fuck.

Where's my fucking keys?

Did you forget that I drove last night?

Apparently.

Nice ass.

Thanks.

Hey, what are you doing? That's my car!

-Found it on the side of the road. -Yeah!

Thought the owner might be here.

Yeah, well, we gotta get back on the road.

We gotta go.

-Hello? -If you lookie here, your rim's all beat up, and you ain't got a spare, so I got to get you another one.

Yeah! Hey...

Yeah, that makes sense. Sorry. I'm just...

Yeah, um, what did you say your name was?

Jebediah. But my friends call me Jeb.

So does that make us friends now, Jeb?

Well, sure.

So, uh, how long do you think it's gonna take to get the car going?

Out here, no telling.

I gotta go to the junkyard, find you a matching wheel.

So, where's your shop, Jeb?

Shop is just over yonder.

Right over there.

-Cool. -That's a nice dress you have there.

Oh, thanks... Jeb.

You wait at the hotel, I'll let you know when it's ready.

All right.

Bye.

Ooh!

You ready for spa day?

Jeez, can't you wait, Tits McGee?

Whatever, it covers the same as a bikini.

-I told her, I did. -She did.

Okay, what is going on with the car?

Bad news, it needs a rim.

Good news is, I found out who's gonna give me my next rim job.

-Oh, my God. -Um, ew.

-Oh, my God... -Of course you did.

Does this mean you're gonna bail on us for our spa day?

-Yeah. -No.

Whoa... Hello! Whoa.

What do they say?

¶ These boots are made for walking ¶ Oh, and I have these.

You're like the cutest little human ever.

-Thank you, darling. -Yeah, thank you.

Now you almost look like you belong.

Except for the clown noses.

-Shut up. -Thank you, Kat.

Thanks, Kat.

Are we ready to party?

In the spa?

-Let's go! -Yeah.

¶¶


-You know what, guys? -What?

This is, like, really fun.

Oh, my God, Ambular is actually having fun?

Alert the media!

You know, I'm gonna take your fun and I'm gonna one-up you, because I've been wearing this dress for so long, I'm actually starting to like it.

Yeah, that's Kat's fault, because she gave us these cowboy boots and they make all the dresses look perfect.

True!

This is my favorite day ever, guys.

I want you to keep the boots as a present.

No, we can't do that.

Yes, you can, shoes are my thing, I collect 'em.

I have, like, 50 pairs.

I love you so much. You know what? I love you so much that in fact, we are going to wear these boots when I marry my new crush.

And you're gonna be in the wedding.

Okay, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna let you marry a tow truck driver.

Have you seen how fucking hot he is, though?

I agree with you, actually.

I know!

Amber: You know what, guys?

-What is she doing? -My name is Amber.

And from this day forward, I will no longer be so uptight.

I mean, you're not even gonna recognize me...

-Amber? -Amber!

Shh! I'm feeling myself right now.

I'm gonna be so crazy, in fact...

Whoo!

Old Amber's dead!

You girls aren't from around here.

It's kind of obvious, isn't it?

It's obvious we have a situation of public indecency.

Jesus.

Hi, Officer O'M--

Mia: Is there something we can help you with, Officer?

Deputy: You can.

Your friend's gonna need some toilet paper.

Huh, Captain?

Ain't that right?

Pissing all over the street.

Enough, Goodspeed.

Surprised to see you here.

Sorry, Officer O'Malley.

Just showing 'em Salt's Creek, that's all.

Just us silly girls having some fun.

No harm intended.

This is bullshit.

Well, Katie, if you hang around with clowns, don't be surprised if your life becomes a circus.

Sorry to scare you girls, but we have a duty to serve and protect.

There's a lot of unsavory people around here.

So keep your panties on.

Don't mind him. He's got a sick sense of humor.

Come on, Goodspeed.

Boys will be boys.

Ladies.

I'm sorry.

Fucking cops. Pigs.

Screw them. We'll run around naked if we want to!

Tell us how to live? What to do with these?

You know what? I'm gonna write a review.

¶¶


Ah, this is amazing, Kat.

Best-kept secret in Tonopah.

Yeah, this is way better than a real spa.

Yeah, who needs Botox anyway when you have a natural mud bath?

Okay, guys, I need a hug.

-No. No. -No.

-Carlee? -Screw off.

-Come on. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. -No!

What?

Show your face! Get out here, pervert!

Ew! Why are you staring at us?

Oh, no, ma'am.

I-I just didn't know what to do when I saw y'all naked.

First of all, not all of us are naked.

Kat: It's okay, it's okay. He's my friend.

-I invited him here. -Hi, Kat.

Hi.

-That's Matthew. -Oh, this is her boyfriend.

Okay.

I wasn't expecting you for another few hours.

I'm sorry.

I finished my chores early and came right over.

That's okay. I'm glad you're early.

These are my friends.

-They're staying at the Clown Inn. -Hi.

Kat: I'm just showing them around.

Y'all, uh, y'all like it there?

Where?

Oh, the Clown Inn. You know, with all the smoking and stuff?

Yeah, you sure do like your clowns around here.

What's with that stuff anyway?

Oh, it's just all urban legends and stuff.

Your mom was always saying it's more than just that.

Well, she's always saying a lot.

-For God's sake, just spill. -Yeah.

That motel was built on a cemetery.

Which was the final resting place of the Loretta coalminer's plague.

200 souls.

All of the buried in that there cemetery.

The carnies came in and there were these circus clowns, right?

And they were marrying all the women of the dead, you know, coalminers.

It's okay.

What are we gonna do?

He was everything to us.

So many men have died.

-We are cursed. -No, we're not. It's okay.

We have each other.

-Betsy, who are those men? -I don't know.


-Stop it. Who are you? -No. Stop.

Stop. Stay away from my sister.

Hey! You better leave those women alone.

No! No!

No!

Betsy, run! No!

Get off of her!

Betsy, run!

No!

Some people believe if you stop catering to their ancestors, the clowns, boy, they say they sure did love their booze, cigarettes, and all the clown nonsense.

Oh, oh, and the women.

Ooh. Lots and lots of women.

And if you ever broke the code of the clown, you'll come down with a painful death.

If you haven't noticed, a lot of smokers and drinkers in this town.

Ain't much else to do.

It became almost like some weird religion.

Then the whole thing got real cult like.

And now since that outsider killed Tiny Clown's twin, he and Big Clown ain't ever

-remove their clown make-up. -Okay, Matthew, that's enough.

They don't need to hear any more.

I thought you said they were your friends, not outsiders.

On that note, I'm out of here.

Good to meet you, Matthew.

Yeah, um, I'm gonna, too.

Sorry. Bye.

Where are they going?

Okay, yeah, let's split, too, 'cause I'm starving.

No, no, no, no, no. I wanna stay in the grotto.

There's no way I'm going back to that clown motel slash cemetery slash 200 dead coalminers.

Amber, get out.

So nice to meet you. Come on.

-Nice to meet you, too. -Thanks for this lovely spa time.

See you guys later.

Well, scared them off.

Well...

Don't you feel like Kat could do way better?

Well, it's slim pickings out here.

You just take what you can get.

Yeah, it's slim pickings in a clown town where they smoke to keep the spirits away and there's one tiny pissed off clown?

It kinda reminds me of that weird story, right, where that lady has to keep rebuilding her mansion to keep that weird spirit happy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What's-- Winchester Mystery House.

-Ding-ding. -Thank you, Alex Trebek.

By the way, I'm fucking hating this dress.

Yeah, I'm gonna cut mine into like 6,000 pieces.

Hell no. I'm giving mine to Carlee for her birthday.

That's a good idea. Wait.

Did you guys just see what I saw?

Weird rapey cop who made Amber pee and Baby Huey both wearing clown noses?

That would be a "yep."

Yeah, so I think now we should get Carlee

-and get the fuck out of here. -Great. Let's do that.

-Yeah. -And I only tinkled, by the way.

Okay.

Oh, Matthew, you're so aggressive.

-What's gotten into you? -Oh, sorry.

Seeing everybody naked got me kind of excited.

It's okay, baby, I've heard about this before.

-No! -Sometimes it just happens.

-Oh, no! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! -We can try again later--

-Matthew: No! No! -No, Daddy, please!

-Please don't hurt him! I love him! -He's not part of the clan.

-You know that, Kat. -No, baby!

Matthew: It's not her fault, sir.

Kat: No! Get off!

You're right, Matthew.

It's not her fault.

-It's yours. -No!

Kat: No, Daddy!

All these rules!

All these traditions!

I hate it!

Family knows best.

Daddy's got you, sweetie.

It's gonna be all right, sis.

Jeb?

Jeb?

Hello?

Hello?

Whoa there, lady.

-Where you going? -There's something-- there's--

-there's something in there. -No, no.

That's, uh, that's just Hank.

It's a doll, you know?

-Keep the bad spirits away. -Yeah.

-I thought that, um... -I could tell what you thought.

Get that dirt off your pretty face.

You know, the shop is no place for a lady.

Yeah, what's with this town and clowns and superstitions?

Well, you ever say "bless you" when someone sneezes?

Yes, I do.

-Why? -Um...

Actually, I don't know.

Well, it originated from an ancient superstition.

People thought that evil spirits would use a sneeze as an opportunity to enter a person's body.

"Bless you" to stop it.

Okay, so you're telling me that the clowns are part of a superstition?

Yeah. Really more of a religion here.

It's a way for us to honor the men that came to this town before us.

They, uh, saved this town and our grandmothers.

They had the bravery to take what they want and save the woman from herself.

So, um, Jeb... are you telling me that these clown shoes that you're wearing are a part of a religion?

I have one more question for you.

Do the shoes match the merchandise?

Only one way to find out.

Ah!

Is it weird that I'm craving a cigarette right now?

Well, when in Rome...

Uh, yeah, it is actually weird because nothing about this is funny.

It's actually scary, so I don't know how you want a cigarette right now.

I still can't get service.

Can you just-- this one time-- just this one fucking time--

Could you two just put a lid on it?

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my God. Come here, guys. Do you see this?

Like a really weird car.

Like, it would be cute if it didn't look like it actually belonged to a circus.

Yeah, it would be cute if you were ten and it was your birthday with a surprise clown theme.

Wait a second. Whose blood is all over the bat?

How about the fact that they actually look like clowns right now?

I'm really starting to hate clowns.

Nobody likes clowns.

Okay, we gotta go. Let's go.

-Come on you guys. -Shit.

Oh, Jeb.


You know, Kitty Kat, we forbid you to be with any boy.

You're the only girl we have left.

But, Mama, I loved him.

He wasn't evil.

All men are evil.

And they can't be trusted.

That's why we have clowns, to protect us.

Mama... he cracked his head like an egg.

It ain't right.

Just because he was an outsider.

He was lovable.

Daddy ain't lovable.

Heed your tongue, young lady!

Those girls are putting worldly thoughts into that pretty little head of yours.

No, Mama. Please don't hurt them.

I'll be good. I promise.

I won't do anything bad anymore.

Is that-- is that--

Kat, sweetie.

Now you want to take your turn?

Oh, maybe not this time, baby, but you will.

And when you do, you'll be one of us.

It's okay, Kitty Kat. She ain't one of us.

Now you go to bed. Go on. Git.

And clean this shit up!

It's a perfectly good piece of ass.

-It's your job. -Yeah, I'll clean it up, all right.

Myrtle, baby, no.

Cigarettes, they're bad for your health.

My little cupcake. You still care about me?

Wa-- wa-- water.

Water.

Can I get some water, please?

See, baby, a good clown is hard to find, but they're trainable.

You'll find yours someday.


-On three, you guys, you ready? -I couldn't see anything.

Guys, I'm sorry, but this whole Scooby-Doo-mystery-gang thing is over.

We need to be hiding or getting out of here.

We need to get Carlee.

Are you even listening to me?

Okay, on the count of three, we're gonna-- run to that motel office thing, okay?

We're gonna stall 'em there, all right?

-One, two... -Shit.

All right, hurry. Go, go, go.

-What do we do? -The door doesn't lock.

Move. I got it.

Holy shit. That was amazing.

-Good job. -Good job.

-Good job. -Total hero status.

-Let's get out of here. -Take that, you fucking clown fuck!

-Yes! Yes! -We did it.

-Let's go get Carlee, okay? -Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God! Let go!

Let her go! Let her go!

No! Let her go!

-No! Stop! -Bitch!

Are you okay?

Guys, we've gotta go! We've gotta go!

How much do I owe you for the wheel?

Let's just say we call it even.

Hardly fair.

But thank you.

You're adorable.

Thanks for the ride, and the souvenir.

-Ah, shit! -No.

Fuck!

Shh. I don't see them.

Okay.

-Yeah, I think we lost them. -I think I broke my leg!

-What the-- -I think I broke my leg!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you okay? What the fuck? Here.

-Oh, God. -Nicole, go, please--

-Just go-- Go get some help, please, now. -What the fuck?

-Go get help. I'm gonna be fine. -I don't wanna leave you.

-I'm not gonna leave you with this. -I will be fine.

-Go get help now. -I'm not gonna fucking leave you like this.

-Oh, God. -I got it.

-Go get the rest of the outsiders. -Yeah.

Kat?

Man: It's judgement time!

Hear-ye! Hear-ye!

The Great One will decide if she is guilty or innocent.

Bring one, bring all!

It'll be a night of entertainment for the whole family!

Never a dull moment!

Ha ha!

Cigars! Cigarettes!

Cigars! Cigarettes!


Cigars! Cigarettes!

Cigars! Cigarettes!

Yeah!

Order! Order in this court!

So let's get this party started!

Burn, baby!

Tonight, we come in judgment of this outsider.

This outsider!

Burn, baby, burn!

If-- if she's found guilty, she drops....

...in this vat of acid.

But... if she's found innocent, she's set free.

Come one and come all, and let the Great One make the judge of the decision.

Now, Kat...

I would like you to get these proceedings started.

Kat! Kat!

I don't wanna be the first one.

That's the beauty about it, Kitty Kat.

You ain't need to be making no decisions.

That's up the Great One before us.

Only he can decide whether she's innocent and spare her.

-You're right, Mom. -Little: Kat, let's see it.

Make your daddy proud, Kat.

Silence!

Ah, yes.

Now, make Daddy proud, Kat.

Keep your eye on the prize.

Silence her!

-Kat! -Yes, Daddy?

That better not have been on purpose.

-Mm-mm. -The Great One will be very upset with you.

No, Daddy, I-I really tried.

Okay, jury, let's line up for the judgment.

And in the meantime... for your entertainment, yes...


I'll deal with you later.

Yeah!

You can do it!

Come on!

Little: Yes, get a pitch.

Come on, Ace.

She might be innocent.

Crowd: No!

I hear your anger. I feel your anger.

The outsiders, they come to our town and they laugh at us.

They come to our town and they pretend they have an accident, and they take what's ours.

And they take our loved ones.

We just want to be left alone, right?

We want to be left alone!

We want to keep what is ours!

We want to keep our loved ones!

I want no part of the outsider's world!

-No part! -That's right!

And I ask you! I ask you... why do you outsiders impose yourself on our world?

Why?! Why?!

Why?! Why?!

Burn her!

Silence!

I am very, very pleased to be the one to cast the final stone that will decide the outsider's fate.

-Yes! Yes! -Yes!

I make no decisions.

It is fate's mighty hand that shall work through me to decide the outsider's fate.

Do you agree?


One... two...

-Baby, it's on you. -Three!


Burn!

Burn!

Burn, baby, burn!

Nicole.

Nicole, are you there?

Mia, Nicole, you guys here?

Holy shit.

What do I do? Okay.

No--

Sorry.

-Put it back! Put it back! -What?

If they come back and find me untied, it'll be worse for me.

It'll be worse for you.

-What are you talking about? -No, stop! Stop!

-I've gotta get you out of here. -No, I tried already!

No! Stop!

-This is my home. I'm one of them. -What?

Stop. You're an outsider. I'm inside.

Stop it!

-I'm one of them! I'm one of them! -Shh!

Okay, okay, I like being tied up, too.

Okay? Just relax.

Okay.

-Don't try to save him either. -Who?

Thomas.

The guy looking for his fiancée.

Where?

He never shuts up. He's over there blubbering.

-What? -"Carlee. Carlee..."

-What? -"Come back."

Thomas!

-Carlee. -Tommy.

I am so sorry, baby.

-Look what they did to you. -I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I love you.

I love you. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

-I love you. -I love you.

I want to marry you.

We gotta get you out of here first.

-Where's the key? -I don't know.

The key...

I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna look for the keys, baby.

Please be careful.

I don't want to lose you again.

I don't want you leaving, Carlee, please.

I'll be back. I promise, okay?

I love you. I'm sorry.

I'll be right back. I promise.

Thank you.

If I was a key, where would I be?

Man: Look inside.

This isn't happening.


Mia: Carlee!

Mia?

Can you believe this shit?

Fuck!

My God, get down!

Shit.


Hey, freak show!

You looking for me? Come on!

What the fuck are these clowns?


There you are.

Fucking car!

Where do you think you're going?

My name is Chuckles and I love jokes.

I got so many funny ones for you.

I've got a joke for you.

I'll stab you in the neck!

That made him very sad.

Come on, you fucker!

Fuck!

Jeb, are you there?

Jeb!

Shit.

Hey, come back for more?

No. I'm sorry about that. I really am.

I'm still engaged to get married and I have a fiancé.

And he's hurt really bad and I need your help.

You're the only one I can trust.

Yeah, well...

I'm all yours.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God. This easy for me.

Perfect. Thank you.

Whoo!


Oh, my God!

Oh, my fucking God!

Somebody please help me!

Please stop doing this to me! Please!

I beg of you! Please!

Crowd: Do it. Do it. Do it.

Kat.

I know it's been a difficult day for you, Kat.

Don't disappoint us by missing again.

Daddy, I don't think I want a turn.

Kat, it's time for you to join the family.

Daddy, I even let her borrow my cowboy boots.

She was my friend.

Lookie here.

Do it, Kat. Join the family, Kat.

-Do it. -Do it.

Oh, my God, please.

-Come on, Kitty Kat. -Come on, baby.

Make your daddy proud. Come on, baby.

Do it, Kat.

Ah, my little girl.

Her first steps to becoming one of us.

I'm so proud.

Oh!

I love you, little girl.

Daddy's best.

Sorry, babe.

You know how us girls are.

Can't resist a new pair of shoes.

I can't!

I can't!

I can't! I need more-- I need more time.

You're doing good, baby. Just bring little Jeb into this world, okay?

I know he's gonna be just like his daddy.

Jeb: Doing good.

Calm down.

We need another push.

We need one more push.

-One more big push, Carlee. -Breathe, breathe.

It looks like you have a beautiful baby girl.

You did good. You did good.

Congratulations.

She looks just like her daddy.

Mm.

Woman! Bring me another beer.

Woman: Coming.

What's taking so long, woman?

Woman: A woman's place is always in the kitchen.

Salisbury steak, my favorite.


-Oh, my goodness. Look at this. -Wow.

Honey, look. Oh, my God.

-Can we go home? -No.

-What do you mean "go home"? We're on vacation. -Wow.

-Look at that. -Hey, Danny, look at this. Look it.

Honk honk. -Woman: It's awesome.

-I love this place. -Aren't these funny?

-Honey, this is awesome. -I love it. Yeah.

Good morning.

Welcome to the world's famous Clown Inn.

Thank you. We're so excited to be here.

This place is amazing.

-Yes, we buy everything that has to do with clowns. -Yes.

Man: Good thing we got a flat tire before we got to this town or we would've missed it.

-It's so serendipitous that we ended up here. -Yes.

We love clowns.

Oh, look. Look at her shoes.

Oh, wow. Look at the shoes. Oh, my God. Oh, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here, here, here.

Ready? Hold on one second.

Okay.

-We brought our own clown noses. -Ta-da!

Come on. This is so awesome.

That's so nice.

You guys are going to love this place.

-It's like you've died and gone to clown heaven. -Woman: Yes.

-Awesome. -I got you a nice room with a view.

Oh, Tommy bear.

Hey, darling.

Would you show this lovely couple to their room?

I gave them suite 13.

I'd love to.

Oh, you brought a child.

Yeah. Chad.

-He really loves clowns. -No, I don't.

I'd love to help you with your bags.

Oh, yes, please. Thank you so much.

Everyone is so nice here.

-Mom, can we go home? -No, we're gonna have fun.

My mama always said, "Any man can be trained."

Isn't that right, honey?

Yes, dear.

Follow me.

-Let's go. -Let's go.

-Come on. -No, I don't like it here.

It's good. It'll be fine. Shh.

Just follow him.

We'll have a great time.

¶¶


¶ I love when you kiss on my neck ¶

¶ And your fingers caress my body ¶

¶ It's so good I'm scratching your back ¶

¶ You're so strong and I feel so slutty ¶

¶ My heart beats like a drum ¶

¶ And my toes are getting numb ¶

¶ We are moving like one, mm-mm ¶

¶ Moving like one ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Mm ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Oh, it feels so right ¶

¶ Woman, you're one of a kind ¶

¶ Your kisses are sweeter than honey ¶

¶ I know they're not meant for me ¶

¶ But still a good case for a study ¶

¶ The stage for us is set ¶

¶ And we're getting soaking wet ¶

¶ We're still not done yet ¶

¶ No, not done yet ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Mm ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Oh, it feels so right ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ I hear you say ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Go all the way ¶

¶ Faster ¶

¶ Mm ¶

¶ Oh, it feels so right ¶

¶ Never had a lover like this before ¶

¶ Mm, every time I think of you ¶

¶ I want more ¶

¶ Oh, never had a love like this before ¶

¶ Oh, every time I think of you ¶

¶ I want more ¶

-¶ I want more ¶ -¶ Yes ¶

-¶ I need more ¶ -¶ Mm-hmm ¶

-¶ Give me more ¶ -¶ Like this? ¶

¶ I need more ¶

¶ Every time I think of you ¶

¶ I want more ¶

-¶ Oh, I want more ¶ -¶ Oh ¶

¶ I need more ¶

¶ Give me more ¶

¶ I need more ¶

¶ Every time I think of you ¶

¶ I want more ¶