Cocktail (1988) Script

(SLOW ROCK SONG PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(INDISTINCT)

Come on! Put it to the floor! Come on! Let's go!

Go, go!

MAN 1: You got this thing in second.

MAN 2: Here we go.

Pull over!

Pull over.

(MEN SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISTLING)

Get over. Slow down.

Slow down.

Come on.

Open up.

Defenders of the nation, I bid thee a fine farewell.

MAN 2: Make a million, buddy!


Mike, looky there! (WOMAN CHUCKLING)

Look at that.

Look at that. See that city out there, kid?

One day we're gonna own that town.

You and me.

What do you think of that?

(COOING)

Smart kid.

(CARS HONKING)


ANNOUNCER ON PA: Next stop, Martin Boulevard.

Hey!

Uncle Pat, you'd better be careful or you're gonna throw that back out again.

Don't worry, I can handle it. So, home from the wars, huh?

BRIAN: How you doin'? Oh, I'm fine.

Servicing all the widows in the neighborhood now.

BRIAN: Same ol' Uncle Pat.

Flat beer from rusty pipes.

If you only knew how I missed it.

You might have changed a lot, but they sure didn't beat the wise guy out of you.

Not a chance of that.

I saved the apartment for you.

I sublet it to a couple of yuppies. They loved your mother's furniture.

They said it was quaint.

I still remember the day they came to repossess it.

So what are you going to do now?

Make a million. (CHUCKLES)

In the meantime, I'll ask McDougal to give you a job.

No way!

It was good enough for your old man.

So was arthritis.

He supported a family, just like you're gonna have to do.

(CHUCKLING) No, not me. I'm not falling into that trap.

Every man wakes up one fine morning with the wife and kids.

"Where'd they come from? They weren't there last time I looked."

That's 'cause most things in life, good and bad, just kind of happen to you.

I'm gonna make things happen for me.

Sure you will.

That'll be a buck for the beer.

What? Your nephew comes home from serving his country and he doesn't even rate a beer on the house?

You don't get rich giving things away.

Oh! How do you get rich?

I'm gonna give you your first lesson. On the house.

I've been here 25 years, never bought a drink.

Right, Eddie? (LAUGHS)

I can testify to that!

In 1 969, the Mets won the World Series.

Eddie here starts pounding on the bar, demanding a round on the house.

"Drinks for everybody," he says.

Tell him what I did.

(CHUCKLING) He whacked me with a club.

Almost knocked the eye out of my head.

That's your way of making money?

Outwork, outthink, out scheme and out maneuver.

You make no friends. Trust nobody.

You make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room whenever the subject of money comes up.

I don't know, Uncle Pat...

It doesn't sound like too much fun to me.

Fun? You want fun, go play at the beach.

I think I'll try the city first.

Here. This'll get you there in style.

Ooh! $1 0, Uncle Pat.

Why don't you buy Eddie a binge on me, huh?

Eddie, you gotta be quicker than that.


BRIAN: I've aIways wanted to work on Wall Street.

I read the Journal. l know what's going on.

I'll do whatever it takes to succeed.

I appreciate that, Flanagan, but all our professionals have college degrees.

I catch on pretty quick.

MAN 1: You're wasting your time.

We're not interested.

MAN 2: A guy like you, advertising. BRIAN: l have a feel for advertising.

I can look at an ad and tell you what's wrong with it.

We need solid credentials. A marketing degree is a prerequisite.

MAN 3: Try the networks.

In the Army, I spent a lot of time in communications. I think I can help you.

We need somebody who can hit the ground running.

Maybe in six or eight months, but...

You should pursue other avenues.

WOMAN: Maybe you should reenlist.

I believe in positive thinking. Never quit. Never say die.

I want to be part of a team.

So, what do you think?

Your résumé's completely inadequate.

I'm willing to start at the bottom.

You're aiming too high. I'll do anything.

You don't have experience.

I need a job.

We value education.

We require a degree. You should go to college.


Bar's closed, pal.

I'm looking for the manager.

What's the matter?

Find a hair in your quiche?

No, I'm looking for a job.

I see, you want to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.

Did you get canned? I'm looking.

Looking for something better.

Coughlin's law.

Anything else is always something better.

Coughlin's law?

Douglas Coughlin, logical negativist.

Flourished at the end of the 20th century.

Propounded a set of laws that the world generally ignored... to its detriment. Me.

Ever work behind a bar?

My uncle's in the business.

Know how to make a Red- eye, Mr...?

Brian Flanagan. No, I haven't had the pleasure as yet.

How about a Vodka martini with a Pernod float?

I'm a fast learner.

Could you throw a 400- pound psychopath out the bar?

I guess I could if I had to.

What about a 1 00- pound ballerina that's been speeding for three days?

Open the door and let her pirouette out?

These are just some of the tasks you'll be asked to perform.

This is the Upper East Side, saloon capital of the world.

You're ready for the big time, young Mr. Flanagan.

I think I can handle it.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING)

WAITRESS 1: Get your act together!

WAITRESS 2: Vodka and Rose's, please.

I got four people waiting for me.

I'm not going back there with three drinks.

I'm coming.

Absolut on the rocks, Gilbey's and tonic and a Velvet Hammer.

MAN: This isn't what I ordered! A Molson and a Cuba Libre.

What was that? A Molson and a Cuba Libre.

WOMAN 1: And I don't want it in spurts.

WAITRESS 3: What is this? Hire the handicapped week?

If you're gonna sit in the water, go to Coney Island.

You want me to bite the top off this?

This has got recipes.

Ordering a Cuba Libre!

WOMAN: Can I please have a glass of water?

He doesn't know how to make it.

Where's my Jim Beam on the rocks?

It's coming. In a minute. I'm not leaving till I get my Cuba Libre.

WOMAN: Can I have an Orgasm? MAN 1: This isn't what I ordered.

MAN 2: A white wine.

You bitch!

Why didn't you just tell me it was a rum and Coke?

MAN 1: Can I have what I ordered?

MAN 3: A Bloody Mary. WOMAN 2: An Angel Tit.

A white wine.

WOMAN 3: Pink Squirrel.

A Friar Tuck. A Ding- A- Ling.

A white wine.

Pink Squirrel. Angel Tit.

Dirty Mother. MAN 1: Can I have what I ordered?

All right! What was it that you ordered?

A martini.

What's in that?

You get 1 0 percent from the waitresses.

I don't deserve it.

Hey, schmuck. You get money from girls every day?

Listen, I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

Why? I am a bitch.

Got yourself a new disciple?

Good night, my beautiful.

Hey, frogman.

Anyone who can get money out of her is a major talent.

Come back next Thursday. I've got five shifts open.

You're offering me a job? Uh- huh.

(SCOFFS)

The waitresses hate me.

Wait till you've given them crabs.

Then you'll really know hatred.

PROFESSOR: l'd like to discuss the demand for money by focusing on... the money multiplier.

Add increases in currency, deposits, reserves and bank credits.

Then we have the sum of an infinite series.

Adding these components together, we find that they add up to one plus CU over CU plus RE.

That, simply stated, is the money multiplier.

Now, moving on...

The essential technique of bartending:

Less is more.

The less you pour, the more you score.

The boss does better, we do better.

And the customer?

Think of a customer as a hurdler thinks of a hurdle.

A means to an end.

We dazzle him with ice work. We baffle him with bottle work.

There are many ways to fool a customer.

The short pour.

The long pour.

The ice mountain. The spring thaw.

The speed rack shuffle. The hot shot.

You will learn them all.

Yes, Obi- Wan.

BRIAN: Both hands. Ladies, come on.

Okay, ready? One, two, three. Let go!

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

What does it mean?

What does it mean? Nothing!

Nothing?

All right! Nothing!

Whoa!

Very sophisticated, man.

Good joke. You're crazy.

(LAUGHING)

WAITRESS: You got talent.

(WHOOPING)

Let's go with the drinks. We're making money tonight.

WAITRESS: Let's make some money for a change.

BRIAN: Ice!

DOUG: Catch! Thank you.

I guess that's what you learned in college, right?

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING)

What buns! See?

WAITRESS: Don't forget my beers, Bri.

(WHOOPS)

Missed me!

The name of the game is woman.

The little darlings come in here panting.

Their hearts are pitter- pattering for the handsome, all- knowing bartender.

And in their wake, a parade of slobbering geeks, with one hand on their crotches and the other hand on their wallets.

You get the women, and you get the bucks.

Boy, oh, boy, you've got them.

Buttons were popping, skirts were rising.

When you can see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent.

(LAUGHING)

Stick with me, son. I'll make you a star.

Thanks, man, but I gotta be honest, this is just a part- time gig for me.

I'm in a business program, city college, days.

Ah! A seeker of wisdom and truth.

This is the best work study program you can find.

To a future leader ofAmerica...

I'll stick with the brew.

(SCOFFS) Beer is for breakfast around here.

Drink or be gone.

I realize I've got a class of budding capitalists here.

That most of you are seeking the fast track, lovely term, to a career in investment banking or some other socially useful pursuit.

Nevertheless, certain antiquated skills such as reading and writing, remain a part of the curriculum.

So, for your first assignment, I'd like you to write your own obituaries.

Not that I wish you were dead.

At least, not yet, anyway.

"Brian Flanagan...

"Senator Brian Flanagan... Billionaire Governor Brian Flanagan...

"whose self- propelled meteoric rise to wealth and fame, "would have made even J.D. Rockefeller envious, "died early yesterday morning at the age of 99, "while bedding 1 8- year- old, seventh wife.

"Heidi, who is recovering from exhaustion at the local hospital

"and will be unable to attend the funeral."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

PROFESSOR: For your midterm paper, I want you to select a business you are interested in.

And prepare a complete plan for its development.

You should include capitalization, administrative costs, income prospectus, marketing, cost analysis...

Blue shirt, fifth row, wake up!

Ah! Light dawns on marble head.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Where was I?

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING) Whoo!

(SINGING ALONG)

(CROWD SINGING ALONG)

I have got serious "fuck me" eyes coming over here.

Stay in formation. Her old man's coming in right behind her.

(SIGHS)

Flanagan, time!

Holy shit.

Brian? Huh?

The bottle.

Try and make it by closing.

I'm doing the best I can, okay?

Sexual frustration.

I asked you to prepare a business plan.

A seemingly simple assignment. (YAWNING)

And yet, one word describes your papers.

Bankrupt!

A word some of you will get to know well in the future.

Like Mr. Ron LeMaster. Where is Ronnie LeMaster?

Yes. Our cosmetics magnate, who hopes to make his fortune selling makeup for pets.

(STUDENTS LAUGH)

Fetch, Ronnie, fetch.

Good boy.

And my own personal favorite, Mrs. Sheila Rivkin.

Oh, my God. He's got my paper.

Mrs. Rivkin has spent the last 20 years burning her husband's dinners, but now decides she wants to become the Donald Trump of the cookie business.

You!

You have something to contribute?

I just said it wasn't worth getting upset about.

What's your name?

(SOFTLY) Brian Flanagan.

Speak up! Let the class hear you.

Brian Flanagan.

Yes, Mr. Flanagan.

Let us see...

Mr. Flanagan is determined to revolutionize the bar business by franchising his version of the local New York tavern to every suburban shopping mall in America.

Tell me, do you intend to provide the smell of stale beer?

Or perhaps a surly bartender and three boring drunks to each outlet?

I don't know, you looking for anotherjob?

(STUDENTS EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)

Ah! A diamond in the rough.

The dreamer who can't take the criticism.

Not from a guy who hides here 'cause he can't hack it in the real world.

Let's see how well you hack it in the real world with an F in this course.

F!

Not a goddamn thing any one of those professors says makes a difference on the street.

If you know that, you're ready to graduate.

Maybe I'm just too old to be a student.

(SIGHING)

Christ!

I've got to find something to do.

Relax. You're in the perfect job.

There's no better way to make it than behind three feet of mahogany.

Within one square mile of this saloon, lies the greatest concentration of wealth in the world.

Yes, but how is a bartender going to get his hands on any of it?

A bartender is the aristocrat of the working class.

He can make all kinds of moves if he's smart.

There are investors out there. There are angels. There are suckers.

There are rich women with nothing to do with their money.

(LAUGHING)

You stand in this bar and be struck by lightning.

I've seen it happen.

Shall I continue?

Oh, please do.

(BOTH SINGING ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG)


It is not dignified to get this drunk.

You are in training.

I'm in training? For stardom.

For stardom.

No matter how liberated this world becomes, a man will always be judged based on the amount of alcohol he can consume.

Always. And a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.

Now come on. I'm not going to make it.

You are! A star never pukes or passes out in public.

(SCREAMING)

Holy shit.

Hey, are you okay?

You alive?

However, falling down stairs is allowed.

(CHUCKLING)

You sure you don't want a slice?

For breakfast? You've got to be joking.

It's better than a Red- eye.

Not for a hangover.

Coughlin's diet.

Cocktails and dreams.

That's not a bad name for a joint.

We really ought to think about setting up our own place.

That takes money.

The kind of money your sacred books dangle, but never deliver.

BRIAN: They deliver.

You just got to know how to read.

Come on, we could make a fortune.

That's why you came to New York. That's sure as hell why I left Queens.

Positive thinking!

We can't let a little thing like cash stand in our way.

Cocktails and Dreams.

I see it in pink neon. Blink. Blink.

Pinkity, blink.

That is a little corny, isn't it?

But I could live with it.

Yes, but can I live with young Flanagan?

Maybe I could handle a partner.

All right!

Fifty- fifty.

A partner who knows his place.

Seventy- thirty.

You do have your pension to think about, so I'll settle for sixty- forty.

To health and friendship.

Life and love.

Our future.

To our future.

Let's really do it.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING)

(ALL CHANTING) Do it! Do it!

Let's do it!

One, two, three.

(SINGING ALONG)


(CLANGING)

(SONG ENDS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Listen, why the fuck are two stars like you wasting your talents in a hole like this?

A secret admirer?

I'm serious. I got the hottest saloon in town.

I want you guys working for me.

In two weeks, you'll be famous.

I've been famous for ten years. Just give me the money.

(SINGING) I got the hippie hippie shake

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)


I am the world's first yuppie poet.

Bullshit!

My poem is entitled The Bottom Line.

MAN: Stick it in your Volvo!

"Money isn't everything," They say Okay, so what is? Sex?

MAN: It's better than sushi!

Did you ever make love To a pauper?

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

WOMAN: I'd rather hump a camel!

Revolution? It takes money To overthrow the government, You know That's deep!

Art? The more it costs, The better it is And that's the bottom line!

(ALL CHEERING)

Crap, I say! Bullshit!

Who wants a drink?

(CROWD CHANTING)

We want more!

(WHISTLING)

You want poets?

WOMEN: Yes, we do!

You want poets? ALL: Yeah!

I am the world's last barman poet.

MAN: Give us a kiss, you sexy beast!

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

I see America drinking The fabulous cocktails I make America's getting stinking On something I stir or shake The Sex on the Beach

(ALL CHEERING)

The schnapps made from peach The Velvet Hammer The Alabama Slammer I make things with juice And frothy Pink Squirrel Three Toad Sloth

(LAUGHTER)

I make drinks so sweet and snazzy The Ice Tea, the Kamikaze

The Orgasm (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

DOUG: Hands off the merchandise!

The Death Spasm

The Singapore Sling The Ding- A- Ling WOMAN: Ding- A- Ling?

America, you're just devoted To ever flavor I've got

But if you want to get loaded Why don't you just order a shot? (ALL CHEERING)

Bar's open!

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING)

I'd like to try the Orgasm, please.

How many would you like?

Multiple. Multiple?

Then why don't we start with the Turquoise Blue?

Wow!

(SINGING ALONG)

You guys are rad!

(SINGING) I'm aII shook up

(WHOOPING)

You guys are amazing!

l'm all shook up

Oh, my God!

That was fantastic!

It was great!

You gotta let me take your picture.

BRIAN: What for?

When you're a big celebrity, I'll put you in RoIIing Stone.

Right. He's my protégé.

I discovered him.

That's great. Can you move aside? I can't fit you both in.

Excuse me. (CHUCKLING)

That's great.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER)


(MOANING)

(SHRIEKING)

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLING)

I gotta go.

Tuesday night? I'm working.

So, I'll wait at the end of the bar till closing.

Isn't that what all bartenders' girlfriends do?

All right.

Bye! Get in there. You'll catch pneumonia!

DOUG: Get up! Get out of there!

Back off!

(EXCLAIMING)

Get up, damn it!

Look at that clown.

BRIAN: Good night, sweet prince.

Looks like one of our customers.

That bum just cost me $50.

(SWITCHES OFF TV)

What's this great idea I'm here to piss on?

I have been doing some research into what it'll cost to set up Cocktails and Dreams.

What I have found is if we find the right location.

Do our own renovation.

We can start it up for as little as $75,000 in cash.

Ah! Which the tooth fairy will deliver to our doorstep. Hmm?

BRIAN: No, man.

(IN MOCK JAMAICAN ACCENT) Which we make in Jamaica, man.

I like that. Hmm.

Jamaica, south of Soho? Yeah, man.

Very south of Soho. The Caribbean Jamaica, man.

CORAL: I was down there last month doing a shoot.

I met a bartender who makes $300 to $400 a day.

A day! (WHOOPS)

CORAL: He didn't have any of talent of you guys.

DOUG: I should hope not.

Winter in the tropics, spring in New York.

Jet set bartenders, eh?

We can live for peanuts down there. There are no taxes.

Cash off the books.

Two, maybe three seasons, we are in business.

You wanna wait three years?

I've told you, New York is where the angels are.

This is a real opportunity.

We'll have a fantastic time.

Will we?

DOUG: Carl, huh?

Coral.

English, Coral.

Coral.

Yes!

Why is it that these chicks are always named after inanimate objects?

There's nothing inanimate about Coral.

DOUG: Hot mama, huh?

Good shot.

$1 0 behind the line?

Sure, shoot till you miss.

Where does Coral live?

BRIAN: 76th Street.

She's got a brownstone.

She owns the whole fucking building.

You don't think she lives there all by herself, do you?

That's a bit lucky.

See any pictures? Of guys?

No.

That's $30 you owe me.

Christ, I know. Man's on a roll.

Ladies and gentlemen.

She's been saving herself for young Flanagan all these years?

Maybe she hides the pictures when she goes out.

Have a look on her ring finger.

See if there's a white circle from her wedding band.

Man, are you paranoid!

Listen, it's the difference between a one- nighter and a meaningful relationship with an unattached millionairess.

I'm not thinking about her that way, okay?

This is more than just a one- night stand.

This lady's gonna do a number on you, mate.

I appreciate the concern.

(WHOOPING)

That's $50 you owe me.

$50?

$50 says that Coral's in the sack with some other guy before the week's out.

That's a bet.

DOUG: Missed.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SONG PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey.

How are you? Okay. How are you?

(INAUDIBLE)

MAN 1: Keep it.

MAN 2: Brian!

What'll you have?

What? A Screwdriver.

I take it back, you're not going to be famous.

Too bad you couldn't keep your mouth shut about our sex life.

It only gets better.

You made a move on Coral?

I had to get my money back.

You knew how I felt about her.

How you feel anything for an assembly- line hump that does the book on the first date?

I did you a favor, took her off your hands before she twisted your mind.

You fuckin' son of a bitch!

Coughlin's law: Never talk about a woman.

She'll hear you no matter how far away she is.

(WOMEN SCREAM)

Come on!

Can't take the truth? Bullshit!

It was nothing but taking a cheap shot at me.

Where I come from you don't do that to your friends.

Where you from they're still saluting the flag and making novenas.

No brawling in here.

That goes for the help as well.

I don't work here anymore.

You wanna cut me, come on!

MAN: Cool down, guys.

You'll thank me for this one day.

The fuck I will!

Hey! (WHISTLES)

(SLOW ROCK SONG PLAYING)


Buddy?

Hey, buddy!

The name is not buddy or pal.

The brochure promised me a drink on the house.

I'll take one of those orange things.

Excuse me.

My friend just passed out on the beach. Do you have a phone?

No. Excuse me.

She was drinking champagne in the sun.

Champagne. Perfume going in, sewage coming out.

Will she be all right? Yeah, she'll be okay.

Could somebody go down to the condo office and have them call an ambulance?

Just in case.

Let's get her up.

The doctor will probably give her a shot of Ipecac.

I don't want any more to drink.

Don't worry. It'll make you feel better. It'll help you throw up.

I don't want to throw up.

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna throw up.

No, I'm all right.

She can never make up her mind.

Brian, I gotta hit the road, man. Okay.

Well, bye.

It has been an adventure. (CHUCKLING)

Mmm- hmm.

Owen'll take care of you.

(POP SONG PLAYING)


Mark, I haven't forgotten about you.

Welcome to my most humble, dishonorable establishment.

Well, thank you.

My worthless, useless services are at your disposal.

I want to come by and thank you for helping out yesterday.

That's all right. How's she doing?

She has a hangover.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Can I buy you a drink? One of rum specialties, perhaps.

I'll have a beer.

Beer.

My kind of woman.

Guys.

It seems like happy hour all day around here.

Yes, happy hour.

That great American invention for spending quality time with spouse soused.

(LAUGHS) A bartender with a line for everything.

The bartender.

The highest evolution of the species.

Boozus New Yorkus.

Whoa!

I used to work at a circus before I got this job.

(LAUGHING)

Excuse me.

(INAUDIBLE)

You wanna see a grown man cry like a baby?

Hey, bartender.

You know how to make a Red- eye?

What, no tearful greeting?

Coughlin's law.

Never show surprise. Never lose your cool.

Ah! My sons.

My rebellious sons.

Tell your old buddy how great he looks.

You look like a guy who dyes his hair and shaves with a Brillo pad.

A guy who gets an erection on his birthday if the wind is right.

Isn't this great?

Two years we haven't seen each other and we just flow into the old act.

Please, stop molesting the customers.

A daiquiri if you will, bartender.

I taught this young man everything he knows.

I doubt that.

(MIXER WHIRRING)

Don't you waste your loyalty on him.

He'll dump you after Valentine's Day.

Isn't that clever?

What the hell are you doing down here?

This lad is the best bartender south of 14th Street.

It's his downfall.

I don't see how being good at something can be your downfall.

Thank you.

I grant you, it's not an easy concept to grasp.

Now you take our hero, here.

I haven't seen him in a while and I've never been here before, but I will bet my bile duct that he's got some kind of success manual behind the bar.

Come on, Flanagan. I know it's here.

Touché. VoiIá.

You see, Flanagan's a believer.

Always will be.

He doesn't realize the doors are shut to people like us.

Maybe he wants to open them.

Then he has to steal the keys, sweetheart.

Something Coughlin here has been unable to do.

I don't have to, not anymore.

I've had my miracle.

Oh, what? Some alky remember you in his will?

Better.

I am in love.

Oh.

There is my miracle.

BRIAN: Who? Pocahontas over there?

Waiting for everyone to notice her?

How dare you speak that way about my wife.

(LAUGHING)

Your wife?

In your dreams. For real.

We are here on our honeymoon.

Sweetheart!

Come hither!

You're married?

This is true love, young Flanagan.

True love with a kicker.

She's got millions.

Where were you?

I thought you'd drowned or something.

No such luck.

Brian Flanagan. Kerry Coughlin.

The love of my life.

BRIAN: Hello. Hi.

You see before you a changed man.

The love of a good woman has made me see the light.

(SINGING REGGAE SONG)

Brian's cute. How long have you known him?

About 1 0 hours.

Excuse me.

There you go.

I have never seen a club with such intense dance vibes.

Come on, let's decimate this dance floor.

I don't get the two of them.

Simple. She's a rich chick, whose family owns half of Manhattan.

Just to piss them off, she decided to marry a bartender.

True love.

Let's dance.


Do you ever have the feeling that you might meet somebody?

You know when you walk into some place.

Star- crossed lovers syndrome? Hmm.

No.

No?

I had a premonition that I was gonna meet somebody when I came down here.

Really? Mmm- hmm.

You still got time, you know.

Some woman must have really done a job on you.

Why does it always have to be a woman?

It doesn't. Your friend, what's his name...

Doug could've done it to you.

What's this?

Immune to Coughlin's fatal charms?

Give him a minute. You'll love him. All women do.

I'm not like all women.

I'll give you that.

Of course, I'm not like all men either.

Yes, you are an original, till you prove otherwise.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Uh- oh! I better be careful not to lose my unique status.

So, is this one- night stand time?

It doesn't make you a bad person.

Your parents own half of Manhattan?

No.

Well, then your virtue is quite safe with me.

For this evening anyway.

Come on, I'll race you. Go!

(UPBEAT REGGAE SONG PLAYING)

Hi.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Smile.

(LAUGHING)

So, this is your profession.

More like my obsession.

Does it pay the rent? Someday it will.

Right now, though. I'm waiting tables at Jerry's Deli.

Sure, I know the place.

Home of the famous cement Danish.

That's the one.

Yeah. Hey!

Don't look. It's not done.

This doesn't look like me. It's the real you.

You've captured my innermost soul.

(GROANING)

Are you okay?

Shit.

Aw!

We should go on one of those. Tomorrow?

There's a guy who makes these.

One guy?

He must be exhausted.

Yes, he is.

But still he gets up in the morning, he kisses his wife and he goes to his drink- umbrella factory, where he rips off 1 0 billion of these a year.

This guy's a millionaire.

How about the guy who makes these?

How about that guy?

Not to mention the guy who makes these.

And those little wrappers are made by another guy.

What these plastic things at the end of the laces?

It's probably got one of those weird names too like flugelbinder...

Flugelbinders, right.

We sit here and we're surrounded by millionaires.

You wrack your brains day and night to come up with a moneymaking scheme and some guy corners the flugelbinder market.

Poor baby, he's frustrated.

You get a barjob to keep your days free for your real gig.

After work, you're so charged, you have a few drinks.

"Hey, it's party time."

Days get shorter and shorter, nights, longer and longer.

Before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.

(CHUCKLES)

"Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, Flanagan."

Hey, your flugelbinder is out there waiting to be discovered.

Waiting. You think so?

I do.

(SLOW REGGAE SONG PLAYING)


No, stay.

Stay there.

BRIAN: Uh- oh!

Ta- da!


I wish we could stay here forever.

Build a little hut over there on the beach.

I'd fish and pick coconuts.

No, I'd do the fishing and coconut- picking.

No. Yes.

You would make thatch skirts to sell to the tourists.

Really? Mmm- hmm.

Thatch one, purl two?

Yeah, and we'd never go home.

Our kids would look really great in dreadlocks, too.

Kids?

How you making out with that little blond chippie?

How come I've always got the chippies and you're always with a princess?

That's a question only you can answer.

This man's phenomenal.

Put him in a room full of women and he goes for the poorest and the dumbest every time.

(MAN LAUGHING)

The man's astounding.

His wife parades half naked on the beach and he thinks she's just there for the sun.

My wife does not need other men.

You know what they say about sexual vanity in men over 40?

It's the first sign of senility.

Please try to keep your envy in check.

BRIAN: Envy? He's my protégé.

I taught him all I know.

And with a token, it might get me on a subway.

You can only take a guy so far.

Then it's a question of biology. Biology is destiny.

Ah! The old philosopher.

There are two kinds of people in this world.

The workers and the hustlers.

The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle.

And you my friend are a worker.

God knows I've tried to beat that instinct out of him, but it's ingrained in your immigrant blood.

Look how tasty your cocktails are, look how clean you keep your bar.

You actually take pride in your work.

I do not.

Is he or isn't he a great bartender?

The best. See? They love you.

Listen, bozo, if you think I'm stuck in this gig...

Face it, you're a career proletarian.

You've been standing in a puddle so long you've got webbed feet.

Just because he gets lucky with a rich chick...

Lucky, he says. You couldn't do it.

I've know this man for 3 years and believe me, he's not a closer.

This place is crawling with moneyed females.

Case in point.

Rich and ripe and out of your league.

Out of my league? Mmm- hmm.

She just happened to be here checking me out the other night.

Maybe she had 1 5 minutes to kill. (LAUGHING)

Know what it'd take to make a score on a smart woman like that?

You'd have to get over on her, her managers, her lawyers, her trustees, her maid and her tennis coach.

(MEN LAUGH)

I've been training for this my whole life.

$50 says you don't even make it over the bar.

(WHISTLES) Tell me.

That's a bet.

You guys are in on this. Be cool.

MademoiseIIe. Vodka on the rocks with a lime.

No, this is the tropics.

At least try a Jus d'Amour.

Pardon me? A Jus d'Amour.

It means juice of love.

It's made with fresh fruit right off the vine.

Trust me when I tell you that it is nothing short... of spectacular.

Excuse me. Do I have "fuck me" written on my forehead?

(SNIGGERING)

I can't see a thing without my contacts.

You're just full of confidence, aren't you?

Kinda makes you curious, don't it?

Mighty Casey has struck out.

WOMAN: Now, I don't... BRIAN: Game's not over yet.

It wouldn't be any fun if they fell over with their legs in the air, would it?

Bartender?

Excuse me.

BRIAN: Good night, Paul. Thanks a lot. It was a good night.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BRIAN: You are bad.


(MELLOW REGGAE SONG PLAYING)


(SIGHING)


BRIAN: Hey, Dulcy.

Where's Jordan?

She left on a flight back to New York late last night.

What'd you do to her anyway?


(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Brian, are you there?

It's Bonnie.

Brian?

Come in.

Hi.

You found my secret hiding place.

The guys at the bar told me.

I've been thinking about you all day.

Yeah?

The plane ride home will cure that.

What I got there ain't no cure for.

You can't send me away like this.

I don't know what'll happen to me if you do.

My business'll go to hell.

I'll start writing bad checks.

We can't have that now, can we?

No.

(KISSES)

You don't really want me to go away, do you?

(GROANING)

(GIGGLING)

(GROWLING PLAYFULLY)

These drinks are going to be very tasty.

Into the market now, are we? Mmm- hmm.

What's my greatest talent?

Reading between the lines.

That's what the market's all about.

BOTH: Cheers.

I must admit, I never thought I'd see you set up like this.

Don't you worry, I won't forget my close friends.

Kerry's old man has just backed me in the most luxurious joint Manhattan's ever seen.

We open in a couple of weeks.

You come back to New York with us and I'll make you head bartender.

That sounds very nice, but I've got plans of my own.

Like what?

Bonnie's hooking me up with her business.

I'll be heading back to New York with her.

A kept man, eh?

You think you made a breakthrough cutting that blonde lose.

Meanwhile your conscience is killing you.

If she hadn't left, you'd be back there begging.

You think so, eh?

Uh- huh.

And bottle of Louis XIII says you'll be working for me by St. Patrick's Day.

(WHISTLES) $500 bottle of brandy.

I'll have to take that bet.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

WOMAN ON TV: Wake up! On your feet, come on!

Whoo! One, two, three, four!

Work those hips. Come on, girIs!

FeeI it burn.

That's right! Burn it.

Morning, babe.

Listen, can you get me some carrot juice from the fridge?

Get some for yourself, too.

It's addictive.

Every fucking morning.

Just tell him not to make a move until he's seen our line, that's all.

Send Harvey to Dallas right away.

Good, Tony.

Great. You are beautiful.

Okay, I'll be in the office in 1 5.

Ciao, Tony.

Tony?

Tony Scaduto, the sales manager?

I thought he was in Mexico.

He got back Friday.

Then I can go see him.

Let it wait just a smidgen longer.

Remember, you're picking me up at 7:00 tonight.

Why don't you wear the gray pinstripe we bought you last week?

Okay.

Did you tell him about my marketing ideas?

Honey, I don't want them to think I'm shoving my boyfriend down their throat.

What difference does it make? You're the boss.

These guys are top salesmen. I can't treat them like office boys.

Listen to me.

You could wait six months, you'd still be the youngest sales manager in the business.

Trust me, baby.


(INAUDIBLE)

(TAXI HONKING)

TAXI DRIVER: Hey! Get that heap out of the way!

How am I gonna get out of here? LIMO DRIVER: Cool down, buddy.

TAXI DRIVER: You limo drivers are all alike.

You stand around with your finger up your ass.

LIMO DRIVER: Give us a break.

MAN: You'll give him a heart attack.

Art!

Hello!

So good to see you. Hello, darling.

God, it's been ages.

Hi.

You look fabulous in that coat.

That color is gorgeous on you.

Darling?

What a drag. She said she was totally sorry.

Take my coat, will you?

I like that piece there.

How are you?

(BONNIE GIGGLING)

Bonnie, let's get out of here.

Darling, I think you've had enough to drink.

Brian.

What, are we playing musical high balls here?

Heel, boy.

Come again?

Haven't gotten this one party- broken, have you?

This is Robert Powell, he's the sculptor.

Oh!

How do you do?

Interesting work. Thank you.

It's very urban in orientation.

Robert, tell me.

How did you get the cockroach to stand still...

You're drunk.

And you're ugly.

(GROANS)

BONNIE: Brian!

BRIAN: Could you hold this?

I'm okay.

(GROANING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

How could you do this?

BRIAN: Have a nice day!

Come on, this suspense is killing me.

At least you could apologize.

Apologize?

Yes. We have to talk about this seriously.

Talk is overrated as a means of resolving disputes.

I moved my stuff out of your place this afternoon.

Left a can of Spam in the refrigerator.

I hope your Brewer's yeast doesn't take it personally.

Bastard!

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

Shit!

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I'm... Brian.

Listen, baby.

I've got some interviews set up for tomorrow.

Forget it!

I am not a salesman.

I tried to sell out to you, but I couldn't close the deal.

Please.

I don't want to end it this way.

Jesus, everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.

Believe me.

You'll wake up in the morning with a sigh of relief because I'm not there.


(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Waitress. I'll be there in a second.

Excuse me, could you tell me what the specials are please?

What are you doing here?

Bet you thought you'd never see me again.

"Hoped" is a better word.

WOMAN: Excuse me. I'll be there in a minute.

Miss, we have theater tickets.

You obviously are not here to eat, so I'd appreciate it if you'd leave.

MAN: Miss! I'll be there in a minute!

I'm not leaving.

Your sexy, little smile is not gonna work this time.

I'm not leaving. That's it.

You're not leaving?

Not until you let me apologize.

Did you say you'd like to see the specials, sir?

I'd like to see the specials.

Look, we've been waiting...

Today's specials are Meatloaf Mozzarella, (GRUNTS)

Chicken á la King.

(SIGHS)

May I suggest some ketchup for your fries.

Fuck.

BRIAN: Shit.

(CHUCKLING)

I'd think twice about ordering the specials if I were you.

Spare change for my dry cleaning?

JORDAN: Sorry. Payday's Friday.

You wouldn't treat a stray dog like this.

A stray dog can be loyal.

All right, I'm a rat and there's no hope for me.

But even I have a right to defend myself, or at least to explain.

JORDAN: Taxi!

Come on in.

Is this our waterfall?

No.

It's terrific.

Yeah, it's all right. Name's Mooney, not Monet.

So, why did you humiliate me like that in Jamaica?

How did I humiliate you?

Brian, I was there.

I saw you go off with that woman.

You're such an asshole.

It's not as bad as it seems.

Doug landed a rich chick, and that night he bet me that I couldn't do the same.

A rich chick? You'd go with a woman just because she had money.

No, it's not the money.

He bet me that I wasn't good enough to hustle her.

Hustle her?

I was worth so little to you that you could just take some stupid juvenile bet?

No. A guy lays down a dare, you gotta take it.

Brian, how do you think I felt seeing you go off with some woman after the time we spent together?

Hold on. You were pushing me down there.

You were coming on too strong, too fast.

Oh, I was pushing you?

You happened to be there, too.

I thought we had something going. I didn't play any games with you.

I know.

(SIGHING)

I'm sorry...

I guess I just got spooked.

But now I know I can handle it.

Oh, you can handle it, huh?

What if you got spooked again?

I won't.

I'll bet I can spook you. No way.

I'm pregnant.

I'm spooked.

It's mine?

I was only asking! You're not going to be burdened.

You can still go out and make a million. Don't worry.

I'm not worried. I mean, I am worried.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Just go!

Why? Because I want you to! Just go!

You let me come up here just so you could kick me out. Didn't you?

Mmm- hmm.

(SOBBING) No.

No, just get out!

I know you're upset, but if this is the way it's gonna be, why'd you tell me about the baby?

Because I knew it would be the best way to get you out of my life.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(SNIFFLING)

COMMENTATOR: Madison Square Garden, Syracuse trying to stay within striking distance...

That's for cigarette change!

When you hand it to me, it's for change.

When you put it on the edge of the bar, it's a tip.

Hey, kid! Hi, Uncle Pat, Ed. How are you?

I got a problem. Got time for a quick talk?

Make it fast. I'm real busy here.

What's the matter?

I'm going to be a father.

That's it, bar's closed. Finish up. WOMAN: Come on!

Come on, hit the road. Let's go.

Eddie, finish up. Everybody out. What?

You ought to know better than to come to a bartender for advice.

What am I going to do about this girl?

Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

She's not trying to shake you down, not making you marry her, you don't care about her.

You can walk away from the whole thing.

What if I do care about her?

Then you got a problem.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Jordan, I just want to talk to you.

She's not hiding. She's not home.

She's at her parents' place. Go bang down their door.

You wouldn't happen to know where that is, would you?

Sure, Park Avenue. Corner of 67th.

Park Avenue? Yeah.

(DOOR SHUTS)

RECEPTIONIST: You get here when you say you will, or you won't work in this building again.

Excuse me.

So you'll be here what time?

I don't mean to bother you...

What time did you say you'd be here?

Hello?

Sorry, what apartment are the Mooneys in?

It's a penthouse. Your name, please?

Brian Flanagan. Are the Mooneys expecting you?

No, not exactly.

All visitors have to be announced, Mr. Flanagan.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Mr. Flanagan, would you come in, please?

May I take your coat, sir? Okay.

There'll be someone with you in a moment.

Thank you.

I'm Richard Mooney.

I'm Jordan's father. I'm Brian Flanagan.

I've come to see her. She's not here.

But come in.

I'd like to talk to you.

Sit down.

I've certainly heard a lot about you in the last couple of days.

I don't know what really happened between the two of you, but...

I must say, you've got a lot of nerve coming up here after what you did to Jordan.

I understand that, and I realize that Jordan is very upset.

But if I could talk to her, make her see that I'm gonna stick by her through this...

I hope you're not suggesting that you'll marry her.

(SIGHS)

I'm not sure what we're gonna do. We have a lot to talk about...

The hell you do!

Look, I know Jordan a lot better than you do, and I've never seen her as unhappy as she is at this moment.

She is just not very wise in the ways of the world.

Right now, what she needs around are people she can trust.

She can trust me. She doesn't want to see you.

She doesn't even want to talk to you.

Just wait here one moment, will you please?

(SIGHS)

Good afternoon, Miss Mooney. Hi.

Mr. Mooney, I think I'm just gonna... Flanagan, here.

What the hell's this? That's for you.

$1 0,000.

Is that all your daughter's worth? How much will it take?

I don't want your goddamn money.

You can't buy me out of Jordan's life!

You think I'd let some bartender destroy my daughter's life?

That is her choice! The hell you say!

JORDAN: What is going on here?

Jordan, I came here to talk to you.

If you don't get out of here... Dad, I'll handle this!

I know the other night I didn't say the right things.

God knows I have not done the right things.

But I think there's a chance for us.

Brian, there is no "us."

There are too many things about "us" that don't work.

What about the baby?

A kid, I mean, our kid needs a father.

Not one that won't be around in a year.

With your lifestyle, what kind of father would you be?

Jordan, I want a second chance.

No.

I deserve a second chance. No.

How will I ever know that you're being honest with me?

You can barely be honest with yourself.

Honest?

Were you so honest?

Why didn't you tell me you were the original rich chick?

Because you're so hung up on money, I was afraid I'd never know how you felt about me.

Me! How you'd really feel about me.

See this?

This is your father's idea of how to get me out of your life.

This is how hung up on money I am.

As for the way I feel about you,

I guess you'll never know.

WOMAN 1: Let me in!

WOMAN 2: Hey, what about us?

We've been here for two hours!

MAN: Let us in, Henry. It's cold out here.

WOMAN 3: Henry? Remember me?

WOMAN 4: I'm Bruce Springsteen's cousin.

You look more like his couch. MAN: Henry!

I'm Doug's friend.

Mr. Coughlin doesn't have any friends on a Saturday night.

BRIAN: Good evening, Henry. Hey!

(POP SONG PLAYING)

Where's Doug Coughlin? Over there.

Hey, you!

Doug!

Coughlin! Doug! Flanagan!

My best friend in the world! My only friend!

Piss off, Henry. It's okay.

It's great to see you, my only friend. Sit down.

It looks like you've got a lot of friends here this evening.

Proctologist's dream. What?

Wall- to- wall assholes. (CHUCKLING)

Great to see you, Flanagan. I've come to pay off my bet.

Brian! Kerry!

What are you doing here?

BRIAN: I've come to beg and plead for a job.

It'd be great to get some talent behind the bar.

Let's go somewhere where we can appreciate this.

Come on.

DOUG: Get in there.

Get in there and spend some money.

Keep me in the manner I'm accustomed to.

Get in there and spend some money, you two.

What do you think of my rowboat?

BRIAN: Jesus Christ!

DOUG: Come aboard, ye landlubber!

BRIAN: Baccarat crystal.

Louis XIII. VoiIá.

Should we let it breathe?

It hasn't breathed in 50 years. It's dead.

Let's just drink it.

Health and friendship? Life and love.

Douglas Coughlin, your ship has certainly come in!

(LAUGHS)

My ship.

My ship is going down, and I'm going down with it.

How's that? All this is an illusion.

I'm on my ass. I haven't got a pot to piss in.

Mmm.

$1 00,000 a week. Painful.

I should've read some of your sacred books, young Flanagan.

The only thing I know about saloons is how to pour whiskey and run my mouth.

I knew nothing about insurance, or sales tax, or the building code, or labor costs, or the power company, or purchasing, or linens.

Everyone with a hand stuck it in my pocket.

You must make enough to cover that.

If I'd stuck to what I know best, which is almost nothing.

Instead I put all the cash into commodities.

And blew the fucking lot.

(CHUCKLES)

On the margin. Buy, cover, buy, cover.

I wanted it fast.

See the headlines.

"Douglas Coughlin: From bartender to billionaire."

(CHUCKLES MIRTHLESSLY)

Hey, take it easy.

Relax.

The luck is gone, the brain is shot.

But the liquor, we still got.

KERRY: Doug?

Are you down there?

She knows nothing about this. She thinks I'm a fucking hero.

DOUG: My princess. My dream.

Baby, not again.

I want to go home.

Come here.

Toast, Flanagan.

To the first and last person I ever cared about.

My wife.

Doug?

Doug, wake up.

I want to go home.


You know you're the only person in the world Doug respects?

We were a good team once.

Walk me to my apartment.

I hate going to that place alone.

I better check on Doug. Please?

I want to talk about Doug.

About his problems.


Doug says you're incredible with women.

A real lady- killer.

Is that what he says?

What's your secret weapon?

What you see is what you get.

Hold it. What'd you do that for?

(SIGHING)

I can't make it with my best friend's old lady.

Am I supposed to live with the same man, day in and day out, forever, and have no one else in my life?

Yes. It's called marriage.

You wanted this as much as I did.

That's why you're up here.

But you can't do it now, can you?

You're scared.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

You're just scared! (DOOR SLAMS SHUT)


BRIAN: Hey, Doug!

Help me! Somebody help me!

Somebody help me!

(INAUDIBLE)

POLICEMAN: Is there anything you can tell me about what happened?


PRIEST: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..."


(SIGHS)

DOUG: My dearest Brian, a guy like me looks in the mirror.

He either grins or he starts to fade away, and l haven't seen anything to grin about in a long time.

This may not be the most graceful exit, but l know when the bottle's empty, that the only thing l'm really gonna miss is the conversations we had going.

At least l get the last word, even if I had to maiI it in.

CoughIin's Law: Bury the dead, they stink up the joint.

The rest of CoughIin's Laws, ignore.

The guy was always full of shit.

(DOUG CHUCKLING)

But l guess you knew that already.


Mooney's apartment, Brian... I know who you are.

I've been instructed not to let you in here.

If you'll just call... Leave now!

I just want to talk to her for a few minutes, I don't want to cause any trouble.

Send her a letter. Out! Get your hands off me, man.

Out!

Hey!

Where's Jordan? She's in there.

But you can't go in there!

Open the door!

Jordan?

Jordan!

I have to talk to you. What's going on?

Please, there's so many things, I don't know where to begin.

Doug is dead.

What?

He killed himself. Brian!

He was my best friend, but he was too proud to let me help him.

He was too proud to show how he felt until it was too late.

I don't want to make that same mistake.

...into the sitting room...

I thought I told you to keep that punk out of this house!

RECEPTIONIST: He got by me. Jordan, are you in there?

I have saved money. I've worked out a loan with my uncle for some more.

With hard work, I know I can turn it into something great.

Brian, I know you can, but it doesn't really matter.

Listen to me!

Get me the key!

I love you! I want to marry you.

I've loved you from the first moment I saw you, Jordan.

Please, come with me.

Flanagan, get the hell out of my house!

Jordan, wake up! Don't you see why he's come back here?

One reason: for the money. I don't want a thing from you!

You're not going to get one penny. He's a loser!

I'm not a loser. Please, Jordan, come with me.

Get him out of here. Stay out of this.

Please. RICHARD: Throw this bum out of here!

Hold it!

Jordan, don't go!

If you walk out of this house, don't bother coming back.

I love him, and I'm going! You're not going anywhere!

Jordan! Stop her!

Get off of me! Don't fucking handle her, she's pregnant!

You asshole!

It didn't have to be this way, you know.

You're on your own.

It's the only way I want it.

A toast! To the bride, and to my nephew!

All the happiness! ALL: SaIute!

UNCLE PAT: There you go!

(SINGING) I've been Iied to When wiII I be Ioved?

Right now, baby!

JORDAN: Oh, yeah!

I've been turned down l've been pushed 'round When wiII I be Ioved?

You realize we're both completely insane.

Yes. (BOTH LAUGHING)

You'll probably want to divorce me in three weeks.

Probably. No, you'll want to divorce me.

I'll be all fat and ugly. Just as long as you don't get too fat.

I am going to be very fat, and you are going to love it!

MAN 1: Brian, give us a poem.

MAN 2: Yeah! Poem!

Poem? MAN 1: Do one, Bri!

Poem? WOMAN: Poem! Yeah!

Poem? ALL: Poem!

We want a poem!

All right. Poem!

Poem! MAN: All right, Brian!

(CROWD WHOOPING)

Okay, a poem.

This poem is entitled Flanagan's Advice to His Unborn ChiId.

ALL: Aw!

If Jordan gives birth to a fine Irish son There'll be Cocktails & Dreams for him one day to run A business which shall yield a financial windfall It better! (ALL LAUGHING)

Yes.

To be franchised in every suburban shopping mall A dynasty! You're founding a dynasty!

Now...

If a daughter arrives to bless our clan ALL: Aw!

I guess the shit will certainly hit the fan

(ALL LAUGHING)

But this I shall promise to thee I'll never let her marry a guy like me Still, if our child is the naughtiest of girls or the wildest of men I swear, I'll be the best dad I can And never ever get spooked again

I bet I can still spook you.

No way.

(WHISPERING)

Twins?

Twins!

Yeah! All right!

Drinks are on the house! No!

Bar is open! (ALL CHEERING)

(UPBEAT REGGAE SONG PLAYING)


(POP SONG PLAYING)