Coffee & Kareem (2020) Script

[man on radio] It's a beautiful afternoon in Metro Detroit. Wolverine fans--

[woman on radio] ...both ways on I-696. There's cong--

[man on radio] ... Five day forecast for Metro Detroit.

-[electronic trilling] -["Turbo" playing]

♪ Woo yea Pop that ♪

♪ Don't move Slow ♪

♪ Ooo Turbo Bring it up ♪

♪ Woo yea Pop that ♪

♪ Don't move Slow ♪

♪ Ooo Turbo Bring it up ♪

♪ She don't want no squares She want a real ♪

♪ She know I got a big ego But my bills bigger ♪

♪ Only certain type of niggas That can deal with her ♪

[boy] Hey, Kareem!

♪ Don't let that pretty face Have you looking stupid as stupid ♪

♪ But I love it, Turbo Baby got it all ♪

♪ She's smart, ghetto Lay a [bleep] down ♪

♪ Don't start Mellow ♪

♪ Smoke a nigga out after dark ♪

♪ I'm a pharaoh, queen poppin' Work of art ♪

♪ Woo yea Pop that ♪

♪ Don't move Slow ♪ ...

[police officer] Hello!

[door shuts]

[floor creaks]


[heavy footsteps on wood stairs]



[electronic alert pings]

[door creaks open]

What seems to be the problem, officer?

["Breakfast in Bed" playing]

♪ Baby ♪ ...

[man groaning]

-[man] You like that? -[woman laughs]

[bed creaks]

-[woman] Stay right there. Right there. -Yeah!

-[scuffling] -[woman] A bit to the side.

-[woman hums] -[man breathes heavily]

-[man] Wait. -[woman] What?

Did you hear that?

-What? -Kareem's not home, right?

[woman] Oh God, are you serious?

Kareem. I thought I saw Kareem.

Okay, please stop saying my son’s name while you’re inside of me, okay?

That can mess a kid up! See his mom busting down Thotiana with some guy?

Stop watching BET.

He’s in school. Why are you always acting so weird about him?

Oh, I'm weird?


First day I met him, he stares me down like it was day one in the prison yard.

[woman] He has a lot to figure out. He’s 12!

He's just shy, okay?

Well, shy... is not the word I would choose.

[woman] Look, Kareem and I come as a package.

I need to know that you are serious about this. About us.

I'm too old to be messing around.

Nessa, come here.

Listen, I know you're old.

That is not the response I was looking for.

Came out wrong.

-God. -I am serious about this.

You're the most incredible woman I've ever met.

I feel lucky you wanna be with me.


And I'm going to make more of an effort to get to know Kareem.



Now, ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to step away from your clothes and put your hands on your boyfriend.

Come on, please.

Oh God, you are such a baby.

Yeah, a baby with a man's penis.

Oh, come on! You ruined the mood again.

-Did I? -Yeah.

You know, I did.

[Vanessa laughs]

[man] I'm the worst!

-[ominous tones] -[door creaks]

[boy] A cop? Is she serious?

[boy 2] Really? Like fucking-fucking?

I walked upstairs to get my iPad and there they were. Old people sex.

[boy 2] Did you do anything?

I would’ve beat his ass, but... I don't want to see my mom naked.

He was making all these white dude noises, like...


If she’s gonna date a white guy, she could at least get one with money.

-Exactly! -And not to mention, associating with cops is pretty much the only thing that could ruin your rap career.

Well, that's not going to happen. 'Cause Imma put an end to that shit.

You fuck my mom, I’m gonna fuck your life!

What are you going to do?

I paid that tenth grader who just got out of juvie $20 to give me the whereabouts of one Orlando Johnson.

Orlando Johnson is gangster as fuck!

Yeah, since those Yeezy 350s winded up being all tanned and meshy and shit, I can afford to get that cop the ass-whooping he deserves.

Trust me, fucking pig stuck his dick in the wrong blanket.

-[door opens] -[man] Mr. Manning, -what're you doing in there? -[Kareem] I'm takin' a shit!

And I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for you to talk to me while I’m taking a shit!

Your teacher wants you back in class.

Well, I guess I'll just have to let the social worker know that you've been looking at my dick through the crack in the stall.

[Gary] We're not doing this again, are we?

-[Kareem laughs] -Shit!

Guess what, Gary? I got pictures of your feet in my area!

You can't prove those are my feet, okay? A lot of people wear Crocs in the spring.

-[Kareem] Only perverts wear Crocs, Gary. -[Ms. Chu sighs]

So now, you're gonna tell Ms. Chu that I’m working with nine inches soft and feel free to improvise. I trust you.


Ms. Chu, Kareem would like you to understand that his flaccid penis is nine inches--

Thank you, Gary, I heard everything that was said.

-Oh, shit. -Kareem, if you don't come out and do your presentation, I am going to give you a zero and call your mother.

-[door opens] -[toilet flushing]

Snitches end up in ditches, Gary.

Rat bitch.

[dramatic music pounding]

All right, guys. Hey, let's keep this quiet. Don't shoot anybody.

We don't want this shit on YouTube. Again.

Police! Get down!

-[man 1] Shit! -[man 2 grunts]

-Put your fucking hands in the air! -Get down!

-[officer 1] Fire in the hole! -[officer 2] Get down!

[screaming] ["Get It On Like This" playing]

Get down on the fucking ground! Everybody, down.

[female officer] Get the fuck down! Do not shoot them!

[toilet flushes]

[man] Who got these feign-ass fucking Wet Wipes?

Miss that bullshit, man.

Don't come at me with two-ply!

Fucking two-ply, man.

I’m coming out the bathroom, I got a hand full of shi--

[muffled song plays through headphones]

-Fuck! -Don't shoot!


[man] Man, get off me!

[dramatic music and clock ticking]

[reporter] Orlando Johnson has escaped.

Taken under arrest just yesterday

-in a daring dawn drug bust. -[Johnson on TV] I'm a world star!

[officer] Great form, Carl.

A once-promising Detroit hip-hop artist was the latest casualty in the police department's war on Detroit's narcotics trade.

-Ow, man! -[officer] Sorry.

[reporter] Police were able to seize and incinerate close to one ton of cocaine that was headed for Detroit streets.

I'm a proud member of Detroit City Metro today, protecting our kids Protecting the tiny nostrils of Detroit.

Johnson has now made headlines again as he managed to escape police custody yesterday while being transported.

Woah! Shit!

[reporter] APBs have been put out, and Johnson is now the subject of intense city and state-wide manhunts.

[officer] Wait! Woah! Damn it! No!

[reporter] Video released has now gone viral on social media, with citizens calling into question the competence of Detroit's Metro Police Department.

I'd like to remind the citizens of social media that we will leave no stone unturned.

Orlando Johnson, you will face justice. Guaranteed.

Stop it. [laughs]

Wow. You don't think that the "guaranteed" was too much?

-No way. Not at all. -Fuck the trolls.


"She threatened to forcibly insert my castrated genitals into my rectum and then put those same genitals in my mouth."

I'm just trying to make it sound a little more formal in the official complaint.

Officer Watts also called me a bitch several times--

-You can quote me on that, too. -What the hell is she doing here?

I thought we could settle this thing like police officers.

Okay, I did lose my temper and say some things that were harsh, just based on the sole fact that he is a bitch.

The suspect was not handcuffed properly.

I don't know if Choi messed up--

Way to take responsibility for your fuck up. I mean why stop at blaming Choi?

Why not blame the academy for apparently failing to teach you how to draw your fucking weapon?

Or we could blame your PTSD as a result of your ex-wife leaving you to go blow half the Lions practice squad.

That should give you a sense of the abuse that I detailed in the report.

Okay, Watts, tone it down.

-Is your white knight saving you again? -He's not my white knight.

So he's your black knight?

Is that a fucking Martin Lawrence joke? This racism? Today? Wow.

I am not racist. My girlfriend is black. I find that offensive.

-Oh my God. -Shut up. Both of you!

Watts, apologize to Coffee.

I'm sorry for verbally abusing you...

-Was that so hard? -...for fucking up the case and letting a dangerous criminal roam free.

And here we go.

I'm sorry I tried to throw you a bone by letting you transport the perp.

It'd be like if when they captured Saddam, they were like, "Who should drive?"

Disabled chocolate lab, "Can you drive, sir?"

Just kind of...

I’m sorry that your vagina is so small.  First of all, that’s a compliment. Second, are you saying virg-ina?

No. Vagin... Vergina.

-[Linda[ Huh, what's that? -Vagina. Ver... Vajina.

[Watts] Well, I am sorry that honest, hard-working officers are put in danger every fucking time you don that badge!

[Watts] That’s what I’m fucking sorry for.

-Bye, Cap -[captain] James.

It was her collar and he did escape on your watch.

She doesn't have to be such an asshole about it.

[captain] She's an asshole because she's one hell of a cop.

You, on the other hand, will be reassigned to traffic.

Somebody get this man a pair of white gloves and a whistle.

Oh, your ex says hi.

[rock music playing]

Go Lions!

Kareem specifically asked that James pick him up from school.

Shit, he must've figured out you two were dating.

-I guess. -But that could be a good sign, right?

Kareem wants to hang out with him.

It could be, but... it's not the coolest that your mom is dating a cop

-or a white guy. -Especially one with no money.

Look, I'll take a dependable, honest man over a jerk with money any day of the week, okay? He's a great guy.

Then ask him to pick up Kareem.

It’s like a fucking pollen blizzard out here.

Hey! What's up? I was just thinking about you.

-Hey! Are you busy this afternoon? -[Coffee] I think I'm pretty open.

Did you want to... grind the old coffee beans?

[Vanessa] I got some exciting news. Kareem needs to go by a friend's house to pick something up after school. I told him I couldn't do it because of work and he specifically asked that you pick him up. Isn't that great?

[Vanessa] Hello?

Hello. Hi! Sorry, I think the phone cut out for a second. That's awesome.

I just think I might be busier than I thought.

Gotta check with the captain.

-I might have some paperwork -If you don't want to do it, just say so.

No, I want to do it. I'm sorry. It's just been a really weird day.

This other officer at work called me a racist.

-What? -I know, I was like, "My girlfriend is black."

-Oh, no. You didn't say that, did you? -No. Of course not.

Maybe. I did. I said it. I...

I said that.

Sorry. You know what? I would love to pick up Kareem at school.

I really do want to get to know him better.

Really? You don't have too much paperwork, do you?

Hang on a second.

What was that? No paperwork?

Hey, all right. Cool. No, I'm free.

Just text me where and when, and I will be there.

Thank you so much, James. This means a lot to me.

Yeah, it means a lot to me, too. Bye.


[girl] Reduce, reuse, recycle.

These are the words we know.

We have to save our planet so we can live and grow.

We might be only children, but we have to try, you'll see.

We will save our planet and it starts with you and me.

Kareem. Did you have any feedback on Rachel's poem?

I thought it was satisfactory. Can I go to the bathroom?

You've already been four times today.

I would rather not explain the condition behind my excessive bathroom use in front of the class. Now, the school day is almost over--

If you do not present your poem, you will be repeating the 5th grade.

[students] Ooh!

Oh, y'all "ooh-ing"? Okay.


I'll drop a couple bars for you.

You guys are lucky you're getting this for free. Soon... it's only going to be available on Tidal.

And I'm kind of glad somebody's hearing it though, because in 2017 when I was recording this, man, times was hard. Trying to get some change, getting s--

Get on with it!

-You ready, Dominic? -Damn straight.

[beat plays]

♪ Yeah, uh, yo, check it ♪

♪ I’m a blessing gangster Through and through ♪

♪ Girl Scout Cookies Got me looking like Ms. Chu ♪

♪ Because she’s my love And it’s deep and true ♪

♪ I said, Ms. Chu, girl This gift is for you ♪

♪ I been fiending for sushi My face wrapped in your coochie ♪

[Ms. Chu] Kareem!

♪ Girl, I know how to please ya Pussy numb when you come--♪ Thank you, Kareem, for showing everyone how to earn detention.

[bell rings]

[Coffee] "If the child acts out, do not engage in petty squabbling.

They might see you as a threat to their relationship with their parent."

Yeah, no shit.



Abort the mission.

[Coffee] Sorry, Kareem. "Dear Vanessa, super sorry, but duty calls. There is a serial arsonist on the loose."

-Gotta go handle some pig-shit. Yeah. -Good luck with that shit, man.

[Kareem] Plan's in motion.

"Maybe we can do laser tag next week?

Or in the next few months?"

[Kareem knocks on window] Hey, come on, man. Let me in.

[under his breath] Shit.

Hey, buddy. Why don't you sit up front? Back's for bad guys.


I'll get in, but I ain't saying shit without my lawyer present.

Someone call Johnnie Cochran! Free Kareem! Free Kareem!

[breathes heavily]

Uh, hate to be the bearer of bad news, but...

Johnnie Cochran actually passed away a few years ago.

-Just drive. -Okay.

[Coffee] So I was pretty excited when I heard you wanted me to pick you up today.

Give us boys a chance to hang, get to know each other a little bit.

So rap at me, bud. What's life like for a teen these days?

-[Kareem laughs] -[Coffee] How about I go first?

I am an officer of the law.

Duh. [laughs nervously]

[Coffee] Uh, I'm divorced. It happens. It was the right decision in my case.

I guess I'm kind of like bruised fruit.

I got a little blemish, but I'm still delicious.

-What? -[Kareem laughs]

[Coffee] Is that for your contacts, or...

Can we maybe chill out with the phone?

[Kareem laughs]

[Kareem scoffs]

[Coffee] Thank you.

-[Kareem] How much do you make a year? -[Coffee] What?

I thought you wanted to get to know each other.

Right. Well, you’ve gotta look at the total package.

There’s more to being a cop than the money, you know.

You help people to build the community.

We actually get to play with some pretty cool toys, too. Check this out.

You ever see how far down you can get that in your throat?

No, because that's not what it's for.

Or because it tastes like the ass of an innocent black man.

Uh, you know what?

I've got a pretty sweet taser.

This thing can knock out a perp for up to three hours.

-They don't let you have a real gun? -Of course they let me have a real gun.

-Prove it. -I'm not going to get it out just to show you.

Man, I saw this dope-ass Nic Cage movie, where he was a cop and he threatens these hookers with his gun for free BJs and shit.

You are of course referring to Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

Well, that's not real life.

[Coffee] Interesting neighborhood.

Very down-to-earth. You're sure your friend lives around here?

What's wrong? You can't find a Starbucks?

-You live in the village. -Yeah, you been there lately?


[Kareem] It's right here.

Hey, hold on a second.

I just want to say, I know how weird this is, you know?

My dad wasn't around either and when my mom dated guys, I saw it as a threat.

But, there was one guy that I just decided, "Hey, I'm gonna give this guy a chance." And I did, and we became...


-Best friends forever? -Best friends forever.

-And guess who he is now. -Who?

My stepdad.

Yeah, so the moral of the story is that sometimes a stepdad is a step in the right direction.

You were BFFs with a grown-ass man?

That's so sick. And f... there's literally documentaries on Netflix about why that's so sick and fucked up.

-I think that's a different-- -You expect us to be BF--

Fuck outta my face, man.

[Kareem] If you don’t get the fuck out of here with that shit...

Uh, good talk.

I'm just going to wait here.

You wait.

["Energy" playing]

♪ Imma make, Imma make Noise in the street ♪

♪ You can't fuck with my energy ♪

♪ Imma make, Imma make Noise in the street ♪ Welcome back to my channel. Killer Kareem here.

Remember when I told you about that white cop who was humping my mom?

Well, now you see what happens when you fuck with me.

Oh, and feel free to hit the like button and subscribe.

♪ Imma make, Imma make Noise in the street ♪

[man 1] What? You didn’t tell your wife? You ain't write about it in your diary?

[man 2] I don't keep a diary! And my fucking wife hates me!

They saying that you been talking about the deal, bragging to your cop friends and shit.

-What? -Bragging, motherfucker.

Telling all your cop friends that you was gonna buy

-a Kia Soul with the money and shit? -What?

Turn your head the other way, man!

I don’t like looking at your ear stump, dog!

[Orlando] God damn it. why’d you have to cut his ear off?

See, I can’t tell if he can’t hear me or if he just questioning my accusation.

If I cut his tongue out, he wouldn’t been able to speak.

And why are those the only two options, D?

You cut a motherfucker’s ear off, show it to him, he’s scared as a motherfucker.

It’s on the part of your head you can’t see. Look.

Those can't be the only two options. You can't cut--


Whose kid is this?

Uh, D, is this one of your kids?

Nah. My kid chubby like that, but he got that alopecia.

He got hair, my kid balder than a motherfucker.

Actually, I'm here to see you.

You, me?

Yeah. An associate of mine at Dickerson Middle School, he gave me the addy and he told me to aks for Rodney?

-[Rodney] Oh. -[Orlando] Mm.

I can come back another time. It's cool, you know.

What the fuck, Rodney?

Yeah. Nah, I thought it’d be cool to, like, get some younger recruitments, have someone under me. Like little child soldiers.

You brainwash ‘em and they do whatever the fuck you want.

-Here’s the thing... -Yeah.

This is a hideout. If you tell people it’s a hideout, guess what?

Ain’t a hideout.

And where the fuck is the dog at? The dog is supposed to be the lookout!

Orlando, I need your help, man. I got a mess that needs cleaning.

Hold on. You need to get out of here and forget you ever saw any of this shit.

-Word. -I was hoping I didn’t have to spell it out for you, but since it seems like you’re cool with fucking up cops, I’d like to add one to the list!

["Kiss On My List" playing]

♪ ... is on my list Because your kiss is on my list ... ♪ Oh, man, I would do anything to meet John Oates.

What did this guy do to you?

Let's just say he likes to put his dick where it doesn't belong.

He raped you?

Y-- He tried to, but I ain’t let him because I ain’t no bitch.

-Good for you. -My man.

Look, man, I got money.

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, shit! It’s just money in here, man. Nothing else.

-Move slow. Move slow. -Okay.

Quicker than that, though.

[coins jingling]

Money, it's money in here.

-In a sock? -I just want y'all to send him a message.

You don’t have to kill him, just... paralyze him from the waist down so his dick won’t work.

[phone chimes]

Going great. We're having a great time.

Winky face.

[sobbing] Please! Just tell them you killed me!

And you’ll never see me again! I’ll disappear! I’ll move to Delaware!

-He's gonna go to Delaware! [laughs] -[laughs] Delaware, oh my God.

[Orlando] Who the fuck goes to Delaware, dog?

You don’t know, man! Our boss is a fucking monster, man!

As soon as this deal’s done, you’ll be cut out, too!

You’ll see tomorrow! You’re as good as fucking dead, man!

-This guy's good. -[officer] You’re fucking dead!

-Aww! -[Officer] You're fucking dead!

-[Rodney] Fuck! -Oh shit!

-[Rodney] Oh, shit. -God damn!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jesus! Kareem!


[Orlando] Why the fuck would you do that?

His screaming and shit, man. It keeps fucking with my equilibrium and shit.

Your equilibrium? Nigga, you in a fucking chair.

[tense music playing]

Shots fired. I need backup immediately.



What's your 20, Officer?

Imma have to see y'all later.

-Woah. -[Kareem] Yeah, Imma go.

Hey, come on, man.

You don’t gotta do all that. It's cool, man. Imma bounce.

Hey, is that the dog?

Rosco! Is that you? Bark twice if you're all right!

Hey, everybody shut up.

Hey, who's back there?

We can hear you, you're not being stealthy.


[D] You better come out from behind there.

Oh, shit.

[D] Show yourself or Imma paint the walls with this kid's brains!

Come on, man!

What's your 20, Officer?

Oh, my fucking God.

You got this. 

[D] You better come out! Don't make me kill no child.

It's the police!

-The kid's with me. -I'm not with him. I hate cops.

Hate 'em all. All them pigs.

[Coffee] Orlando Johnson! You're an escaped felon.

You're under arrest. Put your weapons on the ground now!

I'm not screwing around, man!

That's the guy I was talking about, that's him.

That's the dude that tried to rape you?

-What? -He said that you tried to rape him, and he was gonna pay us in loose change to have you paralyzed.

I did not ra-- sexually assault him.

I am dating his mother.

And you thought that you could come up in my house and hit that shit without my permission? Hell no!

I knew you were there.

Shut the fuck up. You need to come from behind there.

[radio] Officer Coffee, please confirm your location.

-Oh sh-- Coffee? -Fuck!

Run, motherfucker! Run!

["Hey You Can Do It" playing]

-[Orlando] Run! -[man] Move!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, shit!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, come on!

[Rodney] Fuck! Shit!

Shots fired!

Goddamn it!


[Kareem] Oh, shit!

[Orlando] Over there!

[James ] Kareem, keep running! Go!

[Kareem] Get away from me! They’re shooting at you, not me!

They're shooting at both of us because of you.

Then shoot back, motherfucker! Fuck you!

[James yelps]

-Goddamn it. -Kareem screams.

-[Coffee] Come on! -[both grunt]

-[Kareem] Go! -[Coffee] Go! Just keep running!

[D] Get that chunky little motherfucker.

-[Kareem screams] -[Coffee] Go, just go!


-[Rodney] Where they at? -Get 'em!

My first heart attack. We never had to run this long in gym class.

[Coffee] Come on!

Get in. Go!

Come on, go.


-Fuck! -No, what the fuck!

-[Kareem screams] -[man] I shouldn't've parked here.

Fucking Detroit. I just went to get a fucking muffin, man!

-[Coffee] Shush. -[man] Come on.

[Coffee] Quiet.

[Coffee] Okay. [breathes heavily]

-Okay, we're good. -Oh my God.

[eerie music playing]

-It's Killer Kareem here, and... -[Orlando] Fuck.

[officer in video] You’re fucking dead!

[shots fired in video]

[Orlando] Shit.

[Orlando] Yo. We got a problem.

Yeah, Coffee just made us.

I know.

[classical music playing]

This is Officer Coffee calling for Detective Watts.

Back up, yo. Your dick is rubbing against my ass.

Well then, turn towards me.

I don't wanna rub dicks, either.

That's what you're concerned about?

We just saw a cop get murdered.

Man, that cop was dirty.


-No. Get off the phone. -What are you... stop!

[officer] Detective Watts, Coffee's on the phone for you.

All right, I'm gonna take it.

Come on. Don't laugh! If you laugh, I'll laugh.

-Damn it! Gimme that. -No.

[Watts] Coffee, how's traffic treating you? Let me guess, you just caused a ten-car pile-up.

-What-- Gimme. -Get off the phone!

[Kareem] Listen, you dumb fuck!


Watts, if you can hear me, I found Orlando. His crew killed Officer Choi.

What? We have an officer down! Where are you?

[Kareem] Get your hands away from my dick!

[Coffee] Give it to me!

Could you trace the fucking call now?


That's not how we actually do... You know what?

Body-cam GPS has him going west on Grand.

This is a prank call. Can I speak to Officer Mike Hunt? Mike!

Hello, Coffee? Shit!

What the hell is going on out here?

We have an officer down!

-Help! Get me outta here! -Stop!

-[thumping] -[music turns down]

-Stop banging. -Then listen to me.

Fine. What?

That cop who was killed was working with Orlando.


No. No way.

I know it's hard to believe, but most cops are good people.

Spoken like a true white man.

You need to ditch this phone and drop me the hell off.



I dropped my phone when we were being chased.

-So we'll get you another one. -A new phone with my face on it?

And a video of a cop being executed?


They'll find out where I live. My mom's in trouble.

You gonna take that chance?

-You need to wise the fuck up, limp dick. -Shit, we gotta get your mom.

-Help! Get me outta here! -[Coffee] Help!

[both] Help!

[brakes squeal]

-[Coffee] Shit! -[Kareem] Move your ass!

[Coffee] Come on.

[man] What the fuck is this?

Uh, sir, this is a police emergency, I'm going to need to commandeer your vehicle, I think.

Commandeer? Man, give us the keys to your car!

Imma call the cops, that's what I'm gonna do.

Great idea! Call the cops! And poof! Magic, I’m here!

-Badge! Come on, man. -Dude, you can buy that anywhere.

-Looks like a costume. -I am an officer of the law!

Really? You're reaching for your gun on an unarmed black man.

No, that’s not what I’m doing.

Yes, you are. You still are.

Yes, but it’s not racial thing.

I’m just trying to steal your car. I'd do this if you were white.

-Shoot this motherfucker, that's my moms! -Okay.

-I was trying to help you! -Do it. Shoot him in the neck.

Okay, you’re a black man, I’m a white cop, I know this feels racial, but it’s not about either one of us.

It’s about his mom, who is in trouble and we need to help her, and guess what... black.

She’s a black-- Shut up.

-[Coffee] Why? What? -[man] Look, if you Buffalo Bill this kid and people find out that I let you go, -I’m gonna look like a total asshole! -Sir, give me the keys...

-now! -[Kareem] Now, motherfucker!

Give me this shit, man. You know those motherfuckers can track us.

Shit, my body cam. That's a good idea.

["Snapbacks and Backpacks" playing]

[man] You just gonna take everything? I'm wearing a V-neck sweater in this neighborhood. Thank you very much.

Bye. It's been a pleasure.

How do I get my car back?

[Orlando] Keep going, they should be right up here.

[Rodney] I was thinking I can take this one.

I never killed no one before, but I bet it makes you feel like a boss.

I smashed a grapefruit with a hammer once. That shit was exhilarating.

-Will you shut the fuck up? -I've been practicing my lines

-when I’m about to kill somebody... -Who's that?

When you get to hell, tell Satan, "What’s up, bitch?"

Stop the car, man. Hey! I need your help.

I ain’t got the time for that, man!

Have you seen a skinny white cop and a not-so-skinny black kid?

They stole my car and went that way!

[Orlando} Bust a U-turn. Go!

[Rodney] When you see Satan, tell him I’m on my way, bitch!

[man] Wait!

[jazz playing]

-[Coffee] Go. -[Kareem] Come on. Let's go!

[Coffee] We gotta get your mom out of the house as quickly as possible, so just play nice.

Trust me.

I deal with shit like this all the time.

You probably run away from shit like this, too.

Well, running’s clearly a foreign concept to you.

-Fuck you. -No, fuck you.

-Fuck you! -Fuck you!

-Fuck you! -Fuck you!

-Hey, Vanessa! -Hey, Mom.


Sorry, I forgot my keys.

Oh, that's okay, baby. Come in.

Hey, friend. Why don't you join us for dinner?

Hey, sure.

What the hell took you so long?

Why don't we head on inside?

Hi, sweetheart, how was school? I got a call from Ms. Chu.

-You didn't get in trouble again, did you? -Nope, school was great.

Not as great as the ride home. Coffee took me on a routine traffic stop and let me turn on the police siren.

[tongue clicks] Is everything okay?

Vanessa, would you mind taking a seat? There’s something we should talk about.

What happened?

Just this little mishap. Kind of hilarious, actually.

-Yeah, this-- -I think we need to remain calm.

[Amber Alert buzzing]


-What is this? -[Kareem] Huh?

What is this?

-It's a typo. -[Vanessa] Okay, what part is the typo?

-Your name? -Yeah, they can make mistakes.

My son's whole name is right here. That's a typo?

You don't believe those Amber Alerts, do you?

-The amber alert is a typo? -[Coffee] Yeah.


Officer James Coffee is now a suspect himself in a reported kidnapping.

12-year-old Kareem Manning was abducted from his school earlier this afternoon.

The latest victim of what is being called a dangerous psychotic break...

Okay, no, you need to start talking right the fuck now.

All right, this all started when your son tried to have me killed because he saw us having sex this morning.

-What? -And I'm pretty sure he had sexual feelings for me, too.

-Shut up, you little shit! -Hey!

Mom, we need to ditch this fool and get the hell out of here!

I suggest a quick carb-load. We don’t know when we’ll eat again!

We do need to get out of here, all three of us! It’s not safe here.

Okay! I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I’m calling the police.

-That's not a good idea. -Kareem, get your ass over here right fucking now.

-Hello, 911? -Coffee!

Great, I'm on hold.

Shit. Oh, fuck.

Nessa, put the phone down!

Don't call me that!

Mom, we gotta go!

You are grounded for the rest of your natural black life!

Oh, why did I date a white guy?

My friend Sharon was right. All of you are fucked up!

Put the phone down.

-Serial killers, shoot us -We have to go! with your goat yogurt, frisbee golf, and picking fruit for fun!

Whoa, what the fuck?

Alright. In and out, folks. In and out.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why would you ring the doorbell like we're delivering Amazon packages?

You know what we're coming to do, man.

What if they think Girl Scout Cookies?

No fingerprints, man.

-Thank you, don't touch shit. -You're ringing the damn doorbell again?

You told me to take it off! Do you want me to ring it or not?

You ring it like it's Halloween looking like Ja Rule, “Where would I be without" looking-ass motherfucker.

Why you all picking on me? My mental health is low!

-Settle down. -How we get in?

I know how the fuck we're gonna get inside. Move!

[Rodney] Oh! That's louder than the doorbell.

[Kareem] Hands below the knee, Coffee! Go!

[electronic music thumping]


[Coffee] What were you thinking back there?

You can't reason with a mad black woman.

There’s like six Tyler Perry movies about that.

But you don’t tase your mom. There’s a line, and that’s so far past it.

[Coffee] We gotta get out of here. Go!

Hey, I'm gonna check the back.

[strained groaning]

-[Orlando] Anything? -Nothing.



It’s me. Nah, they’re not here. Well, they were here, but now they--

Okay, look-- Fine! We’ll meet you at the spot.


Hey, let me ask you a question. Why are you eating?

I said don’t touch shit, and now you’re touching shit!

-Is that cornbread? -Yeah, it's warm, too.

Put it down, we gotta go.

He got his fingerprints all over the plate.

That’s a good point. Let’s take the plate and the fork.

Come on, man, I’ve been craving carbs. My girl got me on this Keto bullshit.

["Do Right Man" playing]

J-dog! You want the usual room?

Shut your face. I don't know what you're talking about.

Uh, I think you must have me confused with somebody else.

Unless... Yes, I have been here before.

I was undercover with a female cop, who was undercover as a nurse.

Eh, no one’s judging.

I'm a little short. What's in the sock?


[coins jangle]

So we'll just take a room, whatever this gets us.

Also, your utmost discretion.

It's a police matter.


Police matter.

Look, we're not up to anything sketchy here, okay?

I hope you crack your case.

Get your mom out of the trunk.

[downbeat electronic music playing]

[sighs heavily]

[woman moaning]

What the fuck?

What the hell are you doing?

I was covering our tracks.

Making it sound like people are fucking.

That is what people do here, right?

It's the safest place I could think of.

At least in terms of laying low, not in terms of hepatitis.

[TV reporter] And Officer James Coffee’s night of mayhem continues... he is now suspected in the gruesome murder of a fellow police officer...

I didn't kill Choi!

Police have refused to comment on the matter.

They have set up checkpoints throughout the city and on all major bridges--

-That's just fucking great, isn't it? -Fuck!

Somebody's feeding the media lies about me.

Somebody? Let's say it together, dirty motherfucking cops.

Stay here, watch your mom. I'm going to go find Captain Hill and get this sorted out.

-What if Hill is dirty, too? -[Coffee] Hill is not a bad guy.

He has two foster children. One of them's from Uganda.

What if he doesn't trust you?

You need to stop being a pussy, so we can find out who's dirty and take them out.

Remember last time you tried to take someone out? We wound up in a seedy motel room that your mom and I happen to visit twice a week during her lunch break... to get away from her very high maintenance son.

-Oh, you trying to be funny. -Can we just call a truce?

And then as soon as we're through all this we can go back to hating each other.


-[Kareem] On two conditions. -Great, conditions. Let's hear 'em.

First, if we survive, I want you to stay the fuck away from my mom.

And second, I want you to take me to a strip club.

All right. I will take you to the nastiest strip club in all of Detroit.

I actually know one with a good buffet. And if we survive, we’ll talk about your mom.

-No deal. -I'm not going to say that about your mom.

Okay? She's amazing and I care about her too much.

Guess we're just going to sit here, right?

I really care about her.

How's this for a plan?

I tell the media that you was grooming me to be your child-wife.

Made me wear dresses and read Bible verses to me, and force-fed me muscle relaxers to loosen up my asshole.

It's messed up that you're threatening me with that, but it’s also messed up that you even thought of it in the first place.

Two "messed-ups," motherfucker. What you gonna do?

-Fine, I will stay away from your mom. -Thank you.

Now, we need to find out where the hell my phone is.

Forget about Captain Hill, or whoever that is.

What are you doing?

Yo, Dom, it's me.

Shit did not go as planned.

Yeah, he's right here.

You know the way cops look at you? Yeah, that's what he's doing.

-The phone! -I need you to do me a favor and sign in to Find My Phone for me.

Oh, yeah. The username is Tossedsaladsbrokenhearts23.

There was already 22 people with that username?

[funky music playing]

-Where are we going? -I'll tell you on the way.

God, your mom's going to kill me.

Don't worry, I left her a note explaining the entire situation in detail.

Def enjoys f-ing kids. Thoughts and prayers.” Those are just a few of these troubling testimonials found on social media.

It’s no surprise, police are now offering a $10,000 reward--

Hey, 9-1-1?

Yeah, I'll hold.

[Kareem] This is where Dom said it was.

[Coffee] We're gonna get that phone.

Orlando's definitely in there. I recognized one of his guys.

I'm more worried about what happens when we get 'em.

He ain’t no bitch like you. I mean, he’s not gonna just roll over and snitch out the dirty cops he’s working with.

I'll get Orlando to talk. For now, let's focus on apprehending him.


You know what? I know why you became a cop.

Yeah, to help people.


It's because you got picked on when you were a kid.

That may have been part of it.

You know what the problem is?

Let’s see, I’m a pussy?

Or a giant pussy?

Or maybe, like a little, tiny pussy?

I feel like you’re gonna say something kinda pussy-related.

You don't know how to talk shit.

-Is that right? -I got 42% body fat.

You know why I don't get picked on?

Kids try to fuck with me, but I fuck back.

It’s easy! There are really only two things you need to know.

You need to be aggressive and gay.

Real gay.

In a diamond, "I don’t give a fuck," kind of way.

So that’s offensive and totally backwards.


Suck my dick!

Come on, Coffee.

Do it! Before I smack you upside the head with it.

Fucking suck my dick right now, or I’m gonna fuck you inside out!

Okay, Jesus, calm down.

I get it.

I mean, look at Mike Tyson. He’s the OG of the shit.

I mean, sure he could fuck people up, but when he starts talking about, “I’m gonna eat your asshole out alive!

And I’m gonna fuck you until you love me!” That shit is terrifying.

I will try and be more gay.

Good tip.

All right, I'm going in.

You're not going anywhere without me.

Yes, I am. You are going to stay here. I can handle this.

Only thing you can handle is my dick in your ass.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a dick and an ass.

You're a dass.


[safety clicks]

Who the fuck are you?


Drop that pistol and kick it over here. Now!

Listen, can we just negotiate?

I don’t have any cash, but I can give you my ATM card.

And the code? One, one, one... one.

[Kareem] Yo!

Blade! When'd you get out, man?

What happened? Must’ve ran out of O-positive for you?

If you’re feeling malnourished, you can suck on these nuts, son!

-The hell are you doing in here? -Feel free to thank me for saving your sorry-ass life.

-It's too dangerous in here. -I'm the best chance you got.

Let me talk shit and distract them.

No. You're going back to the car. That is non-negotiable.


Okay. Grab a leg.

[Coffee] He really does look like Wesley Snipes.

-Come on. -Wait.

-What? -I don't get a gun?


You can use this.

What the fuck is this? Your fleshlight?

No, it's mace.

Police issue. It's very intense stuff, it can stop a bear.

Evidently they've tested it on bears, which I don't agree with.

Give me the motherfucking gun.

What the fuck you say?

I said, I ain’t giving you the courtesy of spitting on it, either.

You taking that dick dry--


Get him. Knock him out!

Quit playing grab-ass with this motherfucker and put him out.

Call me lover boy!


Nah, uh-uh. Not feeling that.



[stomach grumbling]

What's the matter? What are you doing?

I really gotta shit.

-Now? -Just give me a second, man.

That carb-load was a bad fucking idea.

All right.

[hiccups] [stomach rumbles]


-All right. We're good. -We're good. Let's go.

["1/1" playing]

♪ I'm the only one ♪

♪ I'm one in the one ♪

♪ Said I'm one in one Yeah I'm one in the one♪

[Orlando] What? Are you fucking kidding me?

-I'm buying today, okay? -It's my lucky day.

[unintelligible arguing]

[Orlando] Fucking cut this shit myself.

[Orlando] Hey, D, put Rodney on the phone.


-Fuck. -[Orlando] We gotta do something, man.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, what's next? We gonna unionize?

I can't take breaks all goddamn day. Can I? No.

-I'll do this shit my fucking self. -You got this.

-[Orlando] What the fuck? -[screams]

[Orlando] Come here, bitch.

This ass-whooping!

[woman] I had just bought my condo. So I think I might have bed bugs.

Do you know what that does to resale value?

[Kareem] Yes, this is awesome! This is always how the porn starts.

Shit, and I don't even have my phone.

-[woman] Does it look like a bite to you? -Yes, totally a bite.

[tense music playing]

[bowls clatter on the floor]

-Want some more? -Take that.

Oh, fuck, man.

-Yeah, take some of that! -Quit fucking up my supply. Fuck!

[Orlando] Stop throwing cocaine!

[Coffee] Orlando Johnson, you have the right to remain silent.

[mace cannister sprays]

-[Coffee laughs] -[Orlando screams]

[Coffee screams]

[Mace clatters to floor]

-[Coffee] My eyes! -You fucking pussy!

I usually have a very clean fucking drug lab and you fucked it up!

[shots fire]

[Coffee] Come on, motherfucker.

[Coffee] Working with dirty cops, huh? How's that going to look in prison?

-You fucking maced me! -You better hope you get--

[Kareem] Freeze!

[Orlando] Oh, shit!

[Orlando] You fucking kidding me?

That’s fucking adorable. What is this? You don’t even know how to use that, kid.

Well, I bet if I pulled this trigger, someone would get pretty fucked up.

Nice work.

I got it. You okay?

Okay. Good job.

Who the fuck gives a kid a gun? He’s like ten years old.

I gave it to him.

He was gonna mace me, so I didn't have a choice.

He's gonna end up in jail one day because of you.

I'm not the reason he's gonna wind up in jail.


Besides, it's not even loaded.

[dramatic music playing]

Tell me where all the drugs are going, who you're working for and how all this shit works.

Where the drugs is going, who I’m working for...

Man, I... Fuck you!

Y’all can talk tough all y’all want to. If I snitch, I’m as good as dead!

Goddamn it!

This isn't working. He is very stubborn.

No shit, it ain’t working, man. You’re a bitch-ass, Coffee.

-[Coffee] Yeah. -Fuck you!

Why don't you get your muscle some Twinkies? You hungry?

You could eat? I know you could eat.

I’d eat anything to get the taste of your mom’s pussy out of my mouth.

Probably need an anatomy textbook to find it.

[Kareem] Could’ve used one. I couldn’t tell if it was her ass or her pussy I was eating.

Ooh, you’re lucky I’m in this chair cause if I weren’t, I’d take that fucking poker right there, I’d shove it dead up your ass, -and then I’d shove it up your ass, too. -You the one in the chair, motherfucker.

[Orlando] Take me out the chair, see what I do.

-I'll beat your ass. -Hold on a second.

Suck my dick. What the fuck is wrong with both of y'all, man?

-Just wait, this is good. -[Orlando] Suck my dick.

Maybe I would like that.

Yeah... What?


Yeah, maybe...

I've got a giant crush on you, Orlando.

What? What the fuck is you talking about?

I’m talking about, I want to go on some dates, my man!

I want to prove to you that I’m worthy of your love, motherfucker! Yeah!

Where is this shit coming from?

Don't worry, I got this. Gay and aggressive.

[Kareem] You're coming off weirdly romantic. I mean...

Gay people love each other.

They just want what anybody wants. I’m telling you! This is gonna work.

-That's not how you do... It's alright.

I will ask you all of your sexual needs and desires.

Why are you gazing at me like that?

And then I’ll make love to you in exactly the way that you specified!

Respecting every one of your boundaries!

-Oh, hell no! -[Orlando] Oh, my God. I’m confused.

I mean, ain't you fucking his mother?

Imagine how delighted you'll be when you find out that foot rubs are my love language!

I don't give a fuck about your love language.

What the fuck?

Next thing you know, you’re introducing me to your parents and they fucking love me!

Don't, man...

[Coffee] What are you gonna say? In eight short months, when we’re strolling down the boulevard in Charleston, South Carolina...

-Get up. -... and I bust out a ring.

And I say, "Will you marry me?

-I love you!" -"I'll have to think about it," is what I would say, okay?

We only been dating, what you say, eight months?

And all of this-- Wait! Whoa!

Will you fucking marry me?

[Orlando] Somebody help me, please! Please, man. Please.


-No! Hey! -Wait!


What's that?

That's my motherfucking phone.

I already searched you.


Did you put his phone in your ass crack?

[buzzing and ringing continue]

[Orlando in video] Oh, shit! Man!

[Coffee] Wow, you know, I was wondering why this phone was so important to you.

Ballistics will show that I didn’t shoot him.

There’s no physical evidence connecting me to the crime.

But you. This is the only thing that proves you didn't kill Choi.

Man, you don't know me. You don't know shit.

[Coffee] Listen, you tell us everything we want to know, and you can have this video and I will protect you when this shit goes down.

You think your boy's going to go to jail for you?


It's dog-eat-dog in these streets.

-Take the deal. -Fuck that, man.

Don't trust no cops.

Coffee ain't dirty. He's the one cop that you could trust.

That's why he's so broke and sad.

-Thank you? -[Kareem] No problem.

All right, guess we'll just delete the video.

No! Don’t! Don't delete it.

-All right, it’s Watts. -Watts?

She's fucking dirty, man. After I got arrested, we made a deal. I snitched on all my suppliers, man.

She made all them busts because of me.

And the drugs that she incinerated, they was fake.

-Choi was in on it, he made the switch! -Wow. Okay. What about the deal?

The deal going down tonight. The old steel mill by the water.

She’s selling dope to these crazy-ass French-Canadians that I hooked up with.

Man, look, I just was gonna get my nut, and then I was out, right?

I wanted to build like a fly-ass studio.

Maybe one side a studio, the other side would be a strip club?

[Orlando] It was gonna be dope! Coffee, you gotta protect me, man.

Like, you gotta protect me.

I said I was going to protect you and I will.

-[Coffee] You have my word. -Okay.

Bad cop, gay cop, motherfucker.

Wait, why can’t I just ride in the back with y'all?

Coffee, you said you’d protect me!

Trust me, tonight, this trunk is the safest place in Detroit.

[Orlando] No, wait!

This fucking trunk's getting a lot of action.

[Orlando] Where we going?

[phone beeps]

Hill, it's Coffee.

Don't talk, just listen. I have something I need to share with you, but I need to see you in person. Meet me at Venus in 30 minutes.

Yeah, the one with the good buffet. And come alone, we can't trust anyone.

[Kareem's voice] "Dear Mom, I want you to know that Coffee told me to shoot you with the taser.

I didn’t wanna do it, but he said it was our only option!

You have horrible taste in men and he is no exception.

I went with him to find the dirty cops who are after us, because he is a huge pussy and probably couldn’t do it himself!

Do not go to the police. It’s for your own safety!

I’ll be back later. Love, Kareem.

P.S. Sorry for the bad language."

[Rodney] Was it room three or room four?

-[D] Look at the fucking key! -[Rodney] Don't raise your voice at me.

You have to understand the chain of command.

Now, when you shot that manager’s knee-cap off, I felt like that’s a passive aggressive move to really shoot me! Sometimes, because we’re carrying guns, I feel like it makes us tempted to use ‘em, and we don’t have to.

We need to put these down and pick these up. Our voices.


Yo, where the fuck you going? It’s right here.

Give me the goddamn key.

You better stop with all that Dr. Phil shit.

Putting your feelings and all that TED Talk shit you got in your fucking head.

You need to get in the goddamn game.

You better keep up with my black ass. Let’s go.

[Rodney] Yo, we know you in here! Don’t make this harder than it’s gotta be!

[Coffee] What I tell you about the buffet, not bad, right?

[Kareem] Yeah, this is my scene, right here.

[hip hop bass line]

Listen, the only reason we’re here is because we made a deal and I’m a man of my word.

But you have to give me your word that you won’t tell your mom about this.

Just tell her we went to Chuck E. Cheese.

That's cool.

Since we're here and there are naked ladies everywhere, you got any questions?

About girls?

The birds and the bees?

You're not my dad, asshole.

Fair enough. Duly noted.

But I should also point out, I know I'm not your dad. I don't want to be your dad.

[Coffee] No offense, I just...

I'm terrified at the idea of having kids.

I'm just afraid I would be a bad father... and I actually think there's a lot of evidence for that right now.

It's just I don't know how... to be a parent.

Your mom is incredible.

I just... I don't get it. I didn't have good role models.

Remember when I told you about my stepdad?

-I lied. -Yeah, no shit.

No, I mean I had a stepdad.

I just... We weren't best friends.

He was a pretty big piece of shit, actually.

Treated my mom like garbage.

Pushed me around a lot, you know.

We had to call the cops on him. A lot.

That's actually how I met Hill.

He used to come in there... scare the shit out of my stepdad.

And that's why I became a cop.

Can I tell you something, Coffee?

Yeah! Yeah, of course. Anything.

About two weeks ago, I shot my first load.

Excuse me?

Ejaculated. Blew my nose out of my dick. Come on, man.

Yeah, I know what it is.

It's just that you're 12.

I saw this post on Reddit about the clit-osaurus, and how it’s like a 100 dicks in one little button.

I need to press that button, Coffee.

You need to stay off of Reddit, okay?

And when it comes to women, forget about the body!

There’s so much more to women than just sex.

Just find somebody who is your real friend and partner.

That’s the jackpot.

To be honest, women scare the shit out of me.

I mean, where do you even start?

That's a great question.

You got to just be genuine. Be yourself.

But also be curious, ask them about themselves, find out what their interests are.

Right? Hey, excuse me.

My friend here would like to practice with a lady.

The Champagne room's $150, but that doesn't include extras.

I meant practice talking with a lady.

Well, you know, money talks, too, sweetie.

Of course.

Yes, and here you go. You accept change, right?

What's your name, sugar?

-Umm, Kareem, what's yours? -Thursday.

Tell me about yourself, Thursday.

I was born and raised in Detroit and I have an associate's degree in biology and I'm studying to be a veterinarian.

Hmm, that's interesting. What do you do for fun?

I like to jog. I'm really into CSI: New York.

I love me some Gary Sinise.

Sinise is the best.

How much to look at your pussy?

Five dollars.

No. What? Did you hear anything I said?

-What the fuck is going on here? -[Coffee] Hill!

Thank God you're here. Listen...

I have video evidence on this phone that I did not kill Choi.

Also, I know it's impossible to believe, but...

Detective Watts is dirty.

Nastier than shit.

Oh, my God, what? Watts is the bad guy?

Why is she here?

All right, everybody! Show’s over!

[Watts] It’s police business. I have to respectfully, woman to woman, ask you to leave!

-[Watts] Gotta go home. -She's dirty.

Get the fuck out of here! Get the fuck out!

Go home! Work on your marriages!


Okay, you two. Let's take a walk out back.

Not so fast, Watts.

Yeah, that's what's up.

Drop the gun, Coffee.

What? This fucking guy?

He's dirty?

You and you are dirty?

[Watts] Honestly, Hill wanted to include you and he suggested it, and I laughed for, like, ten minutes.

I'm sorry, Coffee.

[Hill] I tried dropping hints.

Remember when you asked me how could I afford that Jaguar, and I told you drug money?

Yeah, that was a good hint.

[Hill] When I took that kilo home, it wasn't to analyze it.

I love cocaine.

I do it all the time.

You came back with test results.

I can give you test results. I'm higher than a motherfucker right now!

I like it.

I guess I'm the asshole.

Wise up. This is Detroit, baby.

[Hill] The--

-[Coffee] No! -[Kareem] Shit!

More for me! I get a bigger share.

You're crazy.

Yeah, I just killed the person I’m in cahoots with. It’s intentional.

All right, Linda, think. How’s this gonna work?

[exhales] You let Orlando escape custody because you're working with him.

When the kid saw you kill Choi, you killed him and his mom, and you killed Hill! You killed everyone.

And, ooh! My guys are already at that shit motel where you’re hiding your mother, so... pretty good at this.

You forgot one thing, Watts.

-Mhm? -If I killed Kareem, then why...

That actually... Yeah, shit. That's airtight.

What's up, little man? You look like you're about to cry.

[Watts] Don't worry. You'll be with your mom soon.

In heaven. But you’ll be together, if you believe in that. I don’t.

Don't do this.

Close your eyes, kid.

I don't want to.

Close your eyes.

[tense music builds]

[sighs heavily]

[Coffee] Run![

[Watts] Fuck you!

Where's the fucking kid?


[Watts] My eyes!

Kareem! Where are you, you little shit?

-[Coffee] Run, Kareem! -[Watts] Kareem!


[Coffee groans]

Get up, motherfucker!

Where the fuck are you?

[Coffee grunts and groans]


All right, little man. One-time offer. You come out now, hey, we could put the blame on this motherfucker, and you and your mom can go free!

[Coffee] Don't listen!

-You have three seconds to decide. -[Coffee] Don't listen to her!



Oh, shit!

[Kareem] Shit! [screams]

[Coffee grunts]


[Coffee coughs]

Come on, get in!

I haven't got time for that shit. Get the fuck in!

[Coffee moans]

[tires squeal]

[Orlando] Hello? Is anybody there? Can anybody please help me!

Please help me!

Oh, no, please don't shoot me!

Oh, Watts! I'm so glad to see you. Listen, Coffee held me hostage.

Man, this motherfucker's crazy.

Get out of the fucking trunk! You're driving.

[heavy rock music]

[both screaming]

[horn honks]

Slow down! I’m dying!

If you die on me, Coffee, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

They have my fucking Mom!

You're gonna kill us both! Use the brake!

-Which one is that? -It's the one on the left!

[brakes squeal]

Oh, shit!

[tires squeal]

[Kareem] Fuck!



If you have any use of your motor skills, you might want to shoot the fucking bad guy!

-I'm going out. Hold steady! -I'll try my best.

If you lose him, it is your ass.

Do you see how this kid is driving?

Hold on!

[funky music plays]

Yeah, get 'em!

-[loud clang] -[Coffee groans]

[both gasp and laugh]

Fucking kid's going to do the job for us!

[siren wails]

[Coffee] Shit!

-[Coffee] Ah. -Shit. You all right?

Just pull over and stop. Let them kill me. I'm done.

-Oh, oh. -[engine revs]

[over megaphone] Oh, my God. Get out of the way!

Is that a fucking roundabout?

-[Orlando] No! -[Watts] Go!


[both screaming]

[Watts] What the hell is going on?

Are they chasing us or are we chasing them?

I don't know!

This is the police.

Officer James Coffee is wanted for double homicide and kidnapping.

Officer Coffee is also a known pervert.

Hide your children and their tiny buttholes.

This man is dangerous.

Detective Watts is a liar and a murderer.

Everything she's saying must be taken with a grain of salt.

Your ex-wife used to cover her body in grains of salt, and let half the Pistons shoot tequila shots off her.

That is a lie. They were not basketball players.

Gimme that shit.

Detective Watts is just mad because she looks like an old-ass Taylor Swift on meth.

Oh, fuck!

[Watts] Fuck!

I'm gonna be sick.


Hold on!

-[Coffee] Watch out! -[Kareem screams]

[Coffee] Yes! [laughs]

-High five, buddy! -I'm an amazing, fucking driver!

-Yeah! -Fuck yeah!

-Eyes on the road. -Oh, shit!

I don’t want to take no fucking driver’s test.

You tell that motherfucking DMV guy that I’m an amazing driver!

I will tell them. You deserve a driver's license right now.

-Yeah, Let's go get my mom! -Let's go get your mom. Yeah.

Call Rodney. Tell him to bring the fucking girlfriend

-to the steel mill. -Okay.

-[Kareem] Mom! What happened! -[Coffee] Oh, shit. Vanes...

-[Kareem] What the hell? Mom! -{Coffee] Oh my God.

Oh, shit!

-[Coffee] Oh my God. -[Kareem] No.

[Coffee] Oh, no.

My fault. Shit.

They have my mom.

They have my fucking mom!



-Hey, buddy. -[Kareem] It's all my fucking fault, man.

We're going to figure this out, okay? We'll find her. It's okay.

Fuck that. We gotta do something.

We need to get them motherfuckers, right, Coffee?

Yes. Yes, of course. We just...

We gotta be smart. Watts is dangerous.

Man, nah, fuck that!

We can get an arsenal off the internet within the hour.

AK-47s, napalm, grenades!

It's gonna be on and popping in this bitch!

No! Hey, Kareem, come on! This isn't a video game!

None of that stuff's gonna bring your mom back.

-We gotta try! -No! I'm not gonna let you leave.

Coffee, get the fuck outta my way!


[Coffee grunts]

See what we learned?

Sit your ass down, now!

You don't tell me what to do. You're not my dad.

Yeah, unlike your dad, I didn't leave. I'm still here.

My dad died from cancer.

He did?

I'm so sorry. The point is...

I'm putting my foot down.

Oh, now you wanna grow a pair of balls. How fucking convenient.

-[door clicks] -I wish I did a few weeks ago.

I'd have dumped your mom when you entered the picture.

-Save myself from a whole lot of trouble! -[door slams]

-Excuse me! -[Coffee] Vanessa!


Don't you ever talk to my son like that again.

-Baby, come here. Are you okay? -Mommy! Yeah.

-Did they hurt you? -I'm okay.

You were gonna dump me?

You are lucky to be with me, motherfucker.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

What the hell happened? We thought you were kidnapped!

Oh, you thought I was gonna let some punk kids fuck with me?

I handled them like their mothers should have.

[D] You better give me the goddamn key! And you better keep up with my black ass.

Let’s go.

Yo, we know you in here. Don’t make it harder than it’s gotta be!

-[Vanessa grunts] -[Rodney] Fuck!

-[D] Shit! -[both grunting]

[Vanessa] Bitch! Stop! No!

[Rodney shrieking]

[D] Fucking shit!

[high-pitched scream]

Fuck! Lady, I don't want to fuck you up!

-You ain't gonna do shit! -[D] Rodney, help me, man!

-[Rodney screaming] -[D] Help me, man!

[Vanessa shouts]

[Vanessa] You're next, bitch!

[D screaming]

[Rodney] No, wait! No!


Where's my son? Huh?

Wait, stop!

I told you, James, when it comes to my son, I don't fuck around.

Come on, baby.

No, wait!

-[D] You crying? -[Rodney] Shut up.

-[D] What you crying for? -[Rodney] That's Orlando's ringtone.

Oh, shit. Come on! Orlando! If you can hear me, we're tied up in this minivan. We're at the Proburt Motel.

You gotta send help. This bitch is crazy.

Don’t fuck with no single mother with kids.

I’m telling you, it’s not worth it.

It only ends one way, and that’s your head in the toilet, eating human shit!

-[Vanessa]... the police! -She coming. Play dead!

-[Coffee] What about us? -Oh, please.

-[Coffee] Kareem, come on! -You'll be better off, remember?

Yeah, you was gonna dump me! Remember, huh?

I didn't mean that! I've... just been shot!

Kareem, come on. We're a team! We're like Crockett and Stubbs.

James, goodbye.

And put your seat belt on. Don't think I forgot about that taser.

-[Rodney] Listen to your moms, bitch! -Hey, did I give you permission to speak?

-[Rodney] No, ma'am. -Sit your bitch-ass back.

[Rodney] Okay, I'm sorry.


[Coffee] Vanessa, please, just...

[Coffee] Stop! [grunts]

[Vanessa and Rodney grunt]

If you leave now....

It's officially over.



[brakes squeal]

-[Kareem and Vanessa scream] -[Coffee] No, Vanessa! Kareem!

[Vanessa] Get off of me! [screaming]

Shit. No!

[engine revs] [car peels out]


[Coffee groans]

[screams] [fires shots into air]

[bass heavy beat]

[breathing heavily]

Watts... it's Coffee.

This ends tonight.

[Coffee in voice-over] I trade my life for Kareem and Vanessa's.

To the good people of Detroit, Michigan, this is James Coffee, formerly of the Detroit Metro Police Department.

For the past three months, I’ve been dating Vanessa Manning.

Her son Kareem and I have an understandably fraught relationship, but we’re working on it.

He sees me as a threat. It’s a dynamic that happens all the time.

I’m reading a book about it. I highly recommend it.

I’ll put a link in the comments.

The point is it was never, like, a kidnapper-kidnappee kind of dynamic.

I’ve come to realize that I love the two of them more than anything else in the world, and I’m about to prove it.

I’m requesting tactical units to the River Street steel mill where a drug deal is going down tonight, orchestrated by the corrupt detective, Linda Watts.

It has been my honor and privilege to serve as an officer of the law these last 15 years.

I’m not crazy.

[Watts speaking French]

Orlando, I think my ass is infected.

Welcome, yes. No, I shouldn't have an accent.

I should be myself.

["I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" playing]

♪ ... Yeah I'll do anything That you want me to ... ♪

[Watts] Alright, here we go.

We're going to deal with a human mistake for about five minutes and then it's gonna be over.

Orlando, get the woman and her kid.

[Watts] Orlando?

Get your fucking head in the game! Go get them, and bring them outside!

Okay. Yeah. Your little boyfriend's here. Let's go

[Vanessa] Stop touching me

[Watts] They're here. Get the fuck out of the car!

[radio speaker screeches]

Send over the woman and child.

Nope, you gotta hold your bitch mouth further from the microphone!

Oh, this is a different one than the one in my squad car.

-[Watts] It's the same. -It's a different brand radio.

I don't know. Does this sound okay?

[grunt and yelp]

It's still too close.

[Coffee] Yeah, this radio's very sensitive.

-Is that better? -That's better.

[Coffee] Okay, great.

-[Coffee] Send over the woman and child. -No! Get the fuck out of the car.

[Coffee] Not until they're safe.

I trade my life for theirs, that's the deal.

The deal is, they’re gonna walk over after you get out of the fucking car.

[Coffee] I feel we're on different pages.

I think that if I get halfway there, then you can release them.

Then I will come the rest of the way.

That’s like a Helen Keller square dance that I don’t wanna be a part of.

Okay, let’s hear your idea. Give me a proposal and I’ll give you a counter.

You get out of the fucking car or I give this child a 600-week abortion.


If they die... we all die.

You don't have the balls to pull some gangster shit, Coffee.

I got the balls, Watts.


I got a... couple of big, green, oval-shaped balls.

[all] What?


Okay? I'm talking about grenades.

-[Orlando] Holy shit, he got grenades! -[Vanessa] God!

No. Guys, do not be scared. He's bluffing.

These grenades are real.

They're not. This is a man who jerks off to Glenn Close.

We're safe. We've never been safer.

You know what's funny?

I didn't think I actually had the grenades to end all this... but Kareem made me realize I've had the grenades all along.

I just needed something worth fighting for.

-[grenade hits the ground] -[screams]

That was a good shot!

Fuck! Run! Run!

[all screaming]

I ain't afraid of no grenade--

[all screaming]

-[grenade drops] -[Coffee] Shit!

[ringing] [sound muffled]

[Watts] No!

My drugs!

-Oh, shit! -My fucking drugs!

[Vanessa whispering]

[Rodney] Gross.

[Watts] We gotta get it pushed through in 5 minutes! We’ll clean it up.

Let’s pack this and move it in!

The Canadians are coming, so, still wanna make a good impression!

[Watts] Orlando?

You find that fucking family and you execute them all.

Hey, Orlando, -can I get you a sandwich? -[Orlando] I don't...

Just grab two pieces of bread with a tampon in the middle of it?

-I don't... -For your pussy.

I'm not... What?

My man Rodney. I think you deserve a promotion.

And I’m gonna need you to set a precedent high up there by murdering a child and his mother.

Yes! Finally! Finally, fuck! Yes!

-[Watts] Yes. -[Rodney] Thank you!

This couldn’t have come at a better time.

My colleagues were bullying me. I told them it’s time that I’m a leader.

Make it look like Coffee murder-suicided it.

You heard what she said. Step to it, bitch.

Fuck you.

See? That's the bullying I'm talking about.

-I'm sorry I doubted your balls, Coffee. -That's okay.

-[Vanessa] That's a dead end. -[Kareem] This way.

[Orlando] Hey! Where you think y'all are going?

[Coffee] Shit. You don't wanna do this, Orlando.

You think I'm doing this for fun?

I can see you’ve been through a lot.

Now, look. We can all get out of here together and alive.

Fuck this.

Orlando, this isn't you. This is not like you at all.

-You don't know me, lady. -I do know. A mother knows.

-I know that you're scared. -That's right, Mom.

You a bitch, man! You a bitch!

Shut up. You don’t know shit.

You just a little-ass kid with little-ass kid nuts!

Hey, hey! You are a bitch. Watts is fucking you in the face right now.

-Cause you a bitch! -Who a bitch? Me? You a bitch!

-You don’t kill shit, motherfucker! -Don’t you call me a bitch!

-Don’t you call me a bitch. -You're being a bitch.

Both of y'all some bitches.

Shut the fuck up already! All right. Jesus!

The level of insecurity with you guys is unbelievable.

"I’m a bitch, you’re a bitch!

No, I got a big dick! No, my big dick hangs low like King Kong."

Shut the fuck up with all the posturing!

No one is as tough as they say they are. You're all soft!

And Orlando, you’re not gonna shoot anybody, okay?

I see you. I see straight through you. You’re just like my son.

'Cause we both gangster?

No! No, because you’re a good boy.

Both of you, you’re good boys. You’re just insecure as hell, and so you put on these tough acts to protect yourself from getting hurt.

But, hey, I have a plan. Why don’t we put our egos aside?

And get the fuck out of here because your crazy-ass boss is gonna kill us all!

Shit, man!


Fucking soft.

I ain’t never shot nobody in my life.

-That's okay. I'm soft, too. -Yeah, we know that, James.

I just wanted to do the music. Now, all of a sudden, I’ve got to live up to some shit I said on track when I was 17?

Fucking tired of this shit, man! I’m always anxious, you know?

-I wanted to be a dentist. -That's amazing.

I wanted to fix people's teeth.

-You got the teeth for it. -Thank you.

-Let's just get the fuck out of here. -Right, let's go. Follow me.

This looks good, right?

Show of hands. Who thinks this is noticeable?

[Watts] Yeah, it's not good.

Here we go.

[Watts] Welcome. Bienvenue.

[laughs] Hi.

Madame Watts.

[trying to speak French]

I thought I could fake it.

I thought I could just start saying stuff and you guys would respond, but I guess it's a real language.

Anyway, do we have a deal?

No fucking way. Look at that shit. [laughs]

Why is it all burny?

-Burny? -It's burnt.

Like you roasted this over a fucking campfire, singing songs and shit.

Though charred on the outside... this will fuck you up, I promise.

It's artisanal. We took a classic and just set it on fire.

It's kind of like a coke brûlée. See? [sniffs]

Oh, my God. Like, I’ve done that before.


Feelings, concerns, initial reactions? What notes are you getting?

[Boss sniffs] Oh.

That's terrible. [laughs]

So, do we have a deal? [laughs nervously]

[Watts] No need to look at it. Just look right here.

[whispering] Okay, so is there any other way out of here?

[whispering] No, this is it.

-That's the French dude. -Yeah.

So because I like you and I feel like we could be friends, Uh, ten percent. Ten percent discount to move this today.

Uh, fifteen fucking percent.

You're fucking me around.

I bet we can sneak out while they're distracted by the deal.

That's a good idea.

It's 18,5, and that’s it.

Standing at my power at 19% and no fucking further.

Twenty-five percent, cause I need to go home and watch a Nancy Meyers movie and erase this day.

Twenty-five percent, huh?

[mumbles in French]


-[French man] We're good. -Thank you so much. Fuck off.

Here's the money! I’m so excited.

[megaphone] This is the Detroit Metro Police.

We have you surrounded.

-[Watts] No! -You set us up!

I'm taking what's mine!

Why don’t we just wait for them to finish shooting each other, and we just walk out?

[Watts] Listen you French fucks, I know you’re just finding out about feminism and lung cancer, but I’m taking the money! This is mine, you motherfuckers!

-Put a bullet right in your forehead. -[shakily] No.

-Down, Stein! -[screams]

-What the fuck? -Sorry!


[distant sirens]


[Kareem yells]

We all make mistakes!

[Coffee] Okay, here's the plan.

Orlando and I, we run out guns blazing. Create a diversion.

But I promise, we're all going to make it out of here alive.

Most of us. At least half of us are going to make it out of here alive.

-[Vanessa] Why would you say that? -[Kareem] Which fucking half?

You're right. It's not a good plan.

I gotta say, man, if you die, I’d be pretty pissed.

I love you, too.

I ain't saying all that now.

Yeah, but I get it.

-Aren't you trained for shit like this? -Let's do this.

[epic music]

[Coffee shouting]

[Vanessa and Kareem shouting]

-[Coffee in slow motion] Shit! -[Kareem in slow motion] Coffee!

[Orlando] Come on, let's go!

-[Vanessa] Don't shoot us! -[Police] Hold your fire!

[Watts] I walk through the valley of the shadow of death!

Coffee's still in there!

That shit's gonna blow! Get 'em back now!

Fuck, it's not detaching!

[fires several rounds]

[both panting]

We about to make it out this mother fucker.

-[gunshot] -[both groan]

If I die, you motherfuckers are coming with me!

[Watts] Coffee, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

[Orlando groans]

[Coffee] Get out of here!

-[Orlando] Oh, shit! -Son of a... Fuck!


I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

-You're bullshitting! -I'm not. This got so out of hand!

[crying] Please, help me.

I’m at the end of my fucking rope, man. I don’t know how this happened!

Listen, you made some horrible choices.

But it's not too late.The department has great mental health resources.

You might do a little time, but we can turn your life around.

I am fucking with you!

-Fuck! I knew it. -[Watts] You idiot.

You had no idea.

[heavy bass beat]


[gun clicks]

[-gunshot] -[Watts groans]



This is what happens when you fuck with me, you mother--

[muffled screaming]

Eat it, Watts!

[Watts] No!

[Watts] No!

[Watts screaming]


Come on, man. Get in there and help him.

The fire department will be here real soon, guys, and I'm sure everything will work out just fine.

Ah, shit.


[Vanessa gasps]

If you need a good grief counselor, I know a guy.


-[heroic music] -[Coffee mumbles incoherently]

-Coffee! -James!

-[Vanessa] He's on fire! -[Kareem] Coffee!

No, move. Move!

James, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh my God.

Are you crying?

Who's soft now, huh?

-Are you all right? -No!

[Coffee groans]

-[Vanessa] Somebody help! -[officer] Come on.

[panting] [exhales]

["Something's Bad" playing]

Officer Coffee will corroborate your role as an informant?

Hell yeah, he'll corroborate. The fucking kid'll tell you, too!

All that's behind me, man, Imma be a dentist.

I decided. Just recently.

Imma be a dentist. I'm like the mold in the whole situation.

So, Deb, are you a Gary Sinise fan?

You think he'll be okay?

Yeah, I think he'll be just fine.

What about us?


What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

Let's see how this all heals up first.

[both laugh]

[Coffee cringes] Ow, don't make me laugh!

It causes more chunks to fall off.

Have you seen yourself yet?

Oh, it's gonna be fine. I'll just put some aloe on it.

Coffee, I want those hands where I can see them.

Damn. How is this more gross than when I caught y'all boning?

Hey! We got a live one here!

[eerie music playing]


Coffee, I'm gonna kill--

[shots fire]

[shots continue]


Stay away from my family, bitch!

That was hot.

[laughs] Now that is what the fuck I'm talking about.

Hey! Language.

You just shot...

[sighs loudly]

Yes, ma'am.

Don’t think I don’t see the look y'all are giving each other.

I see everything.

[scoffs] Coffee, you have got your hands full.

Yeah. So does this mean the deal’s over? You gonna let me see your mom, and you're definitely not gonna try to have me murdered?

[sighs] Just don't give me a fucking reason to.

["Sooner or Later" playing]

♪ Looking round the city ♪

♪ People up People down ♪

♪ Everybody get ready ♪

♪ For different thing Is comin' about y'all ♪

♪ Sooner or later I'll get mine♪

♪ Sooner or later I'll get mine♪

♪ Feels bad gettin' busted ♪

♪ No matter where you're from ♪

♪ One thing's for sure ♪

♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna get mine Hey ♪

♪ Sooner or later I'll get mine♪

♪ Sooner or later I'll get mine♪

♪ Yes I will ♪

♪ I'll get mine ♪

♪ Yes I will ♪

♪ Band ♪

♪ Sooner or later Yeah ♪

♪ Sooner or later Yeah ♪

♪ Sooner or later Yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna get mine ♪

♪ Sooner or later ♪

♪ I'm gonna get mine Yes I will now ♪

♪ Sooner or later ♪

♪I got to get mine Yes I do ♪

♪ Sooner or later ♪

♪I got to get mine ♪

♪ Sooner or later ♪

♪ I got to get mine Yes I do ♪

♪ Sooner or later ♪

♪ I got to get mine ♪

♪ Sooner or later ♪

♪ I got to get mine Yeah ♪

["Wud Up Doe" playing]

♪ See me in the club Money fallin' to the floor ♪

♪ I'm goin' crazy like Wud up doe ♪

♪ Eat, money, jewels, cars That's just how we livin' ♪

♪ Smokin' Purple Haze Beat yo ass like Sonny Liston ♪

♪ Eyes red, real low Fucked up while they roll ♪

♪ Scared they see me like Wud up doe ♪

♪ Hit the pistols, go We just bullshittin' ♪

♪ Let the chocolate go They say yo ass listenin' ♪

♪ He tryna get me bad Y'all know how it go ♪

♪ See me in the streets like Wud up doe ♪

♪ They scream my name Everywhere I go ♪

♪ And when I'm in the D Wud up doe ♪

♪ It's the Fruity Pebble gangsters I fucks with bricks though ♪

♪ On the ground, land though ♪

♪ I'm the reason There's a war on drugs ♪

♪ It's the magic fucking kingdom Leave your ass, leak your blood ♪

♪ Kill your ass just because Detroit is where I'm from ♪

♪ Big titties, fat ass Bitch, I take the deal ♪

♪ Deep throat, spit 'n all Take it in the butthole ♪

♪ Type o' bitch if 12 comes she don't have a phone ♪

♪ Wait the whole 48 to keep my stories untold ♪

♪ I'm never drunk I ain't a bitch ♪

♪ I'd stitch my mouth lip to lip before I ever snitch ♪

♪ Keep licking wrists always they froze up ♪

♪ Like the women in the D I'm colder than a mother ♪

♪ We ain't come to talk And we ain't come to tustle ♪

♪ Stop flexin' We the mother fuckin' muscle ♪

♪ Ridin' D Got their choppers 'n their aim for sho' ♪

♪ I ditch love in the streets Wud up doe ♪

♪ In the club Money falling to the floor ♪

♪ I'm going crazy like Wud up doe ♪

♪ Eat, money, jewels, cars That's just how we livin' ♪

♪ Smokin' Purple Haze Beat yo ass like Sonny Liston ♪

♪ Eyes red, real low Fucked up while they roll ♪

♪ Scared they see me like Wud up doe ♪

♪ We hit the pistols, go We just bullshittin' ♪

♪ Let that chopper go They say your ass listenin' ♪

♪ He tryna get me You all know how that go ♪

♪ See me in the streets like Wud up doe ♪

♪ They scream my name Everywhere I go ♪

♪ And when I'm in the D Wud up doe ♪

[fades into a bass heavy beat]