Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis (2018) Script

♪♪

♪ Let's stay together ♪ Man: Bruce.

I think when this roast is over, you gonna find yourself one smiling motherfucker.

Thing is, Bruce, right now, you're a 63-year-old action hero.

That's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life.

But it's a fact of life your ass is gonna have to get realistic about.

If you think it gets better with age, it don't.

How many of those movies have you got left in you?

Two.

You never won an Academy Award, and if you were gonna win one, you would've won it by now.

Are you my nigga?

It certainly appears so.

Now, the night of the roast, you may feel a sting.

That's pride fuckin' with ya.

Fuck pride.

Pride only hurts.

I've seen the movies you've made.

You never had any pride, so why start now?

'Cause a year from now, when you kickin' it in the Caribbean, you gonna say, "Comedy Central was right."

When they hit you with those jokes, you laugh.

Say it.

When they hit me with those jokes...

I laugh.

Now get out there.

It's time to get medieval on your ass.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Van Halen's "I'm the One" plays ]

Come out to the coast.

We'll get together, have a few laughs.

♪♪ Whoo!

♪♪

♪ We came here to entertain you ♪

♪ Leaving here we aggravate you ♪

♪ Don't you know it means the same to me ♪

♪ Honey, I'm the one, the one you love ♪

♪ Come on, baby, show your love ♪

♪ Hey, give it to me ♪

♪ I see a glow that fills this room ♪

♪ I see it rolling off of you ♪

♪ And now your message from above ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you ♪

♪ Ow, show your love ♪

♪ Show your love ♪ This is the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis.

♪♪ And now please welcome your Roastmaster, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoa!

♪♪ Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I am thrilled to be here.

I've been a huge Bruce Willis fan my entire life.

My father was a huge Bruce Willis fan.

His father was a huge Bruce Willis fan, and his father before him.

Uh, but as an actor, I-I really admire Bruce's work.

He can play anything from an asshole cop to an asshole ex-cop.

[ Laughter ]

And when you got a star like Bruce, it takes no effort to assemble a great dais.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

No effort at all.

We have domestic guru Martha Stewart here with us.

Martha.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Martha's gonna do great tonight.

Uh, she's used to working with unwanted leftovers.

Lil Rel, good to see you, sir.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Uh, Lil Rel was on "The Carmichael Show," and now he's got his own show.

And critics say that it'll be similar to "The Carmichael Show" -- canceled.

[ Laughter ]

We got Kevin Pollak. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's in the show "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."

Um, he plays a character named Moishe Maisel.

Moishe?

If that was any more Jewish, it would control the weather.

[ Laughter ]

And it's awesome that Edward Norton is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

What's up, man?

One of the world's greatest living actors is going to get roasted by Edward Norton.

[ Laughter ]

We also have peacemaker Dennis Rodman here with us tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dennis Rodman returning once again from North Korea.

Uh, you know, Dennis may, uh, be the only person on the planet who can prevent a nuclear war.

So I guess this is goodbye.

[ Laughter ]

But tonight is about our guest of honor.

Let's see Bruce Willis in action, because nobody wants to see him in a comedy.

Hey.

Who are you? A cop?

Grant: You're the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Man: You know what kind guys I roll with?

Story of my life.

Die hards.

Welcome to the party, pal.

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ Like Bruce Willis, I'm a die hard ♪

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ I'm a die hard ♪Letterman: Bruce Willis.

Stewart: When you walked out on "Letterman" with a meat hat...

-No, this is all-natural. -Uh-huh.

...my esteem for you went through the roof.

I am mentally ill.

It's a miracle!

I see dead people.

In your dreams?

Nothing personal. I just hate you.

You know, I respect you so much for telling me that.

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ Did you know that some actors turn down roles?

Cynthia: You don't want to be intimidating everybody.

You used to be such a happy-go-lucky guy.

Hey, I'm happy-go-- I'm very happy-go-lucky.

♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ Together: Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

We love him as a rock star.

♪♪ The United States government just asked us to save the world.

Anybody want to say no?

Hartigan: Hell of a way to end a partnership.

Feel that sting, big boy, huh? That's pride fuckin' with you.

♪ If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man ♪ Pretty lucky shot, huh?

♪ You win some, lose some, all the same to me ♪ You're not gonna kill me.

No. Jack is.

♪ I don't share your greed ♪

♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪ Whoo!♪ The ace of spades ♪ Who's Zed?

Zed's dead, baby.

-Aah! -Zed's dead.

♪ You know I'm born to lose ♪

♪ And gambling's for fools ♪

♪ But that's the way I like it, baby ♪

♪ I don't wanna live forever ♪

-You all right? -My cholesterol's a little high.

Anybody else want to negotiate?

Oh, shit!

Mikey: Oh, no, put me back in. Put me back in.

♪ The only thing you see ♪

♪ You know it's gonna be ♪

♪ The ace of spades ♪

♪ The ace of spades ♪ Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?

Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Yippee ki-yay, William Faulkner.

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's got a sixth sense.

Let's hope it's a sense of humor.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour, Bruce Willis!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You feeling good? -Yes.

-Are you ready for this? -Very well.

So, Bruce Willis.

What a career, right?

"The Fifth Element," "The Sixth Sense,"

"The Whole Nine Yards," "12 Monkeys."

Zero Oscars.

[ Laughter ]

Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, Wes Anderson, Michael Bay, these are just some of Bruce's directors who refused to be here tonight.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

[ Laughter ]

And -- And it's not just action movies that made Bruce a star.

He's actually a great dramatic actor, too.

I loved "The Sixth Sense."

It's a great movie.

And it's a really impressive performance.

I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed while a 10-year-old kid acted circles around you.

But you did it.

And, uh -- And the ending.

I did not see that twist coming.

I mean I-I shouldn't spoil it, but...

I mean, fuck it. It's been like 20 years.

It's so good.

Okay, so, at the end of "The Sixth Sense,"

Bruce goes back to making shitty movies.

[ Laughter ]

I had a blast working with Bruce in a time-travel movie called "Looper."

[ Cheers and applause ]Thank you, thank you.

So, in the film, uh, I play a young Bruce Willis, and he played a washed-up Bruce Willis.

But it was this crazy sci-fi premise where I end up in the future and Bruce ends up in a good movie made after 1999.

[ Laughter ]

We want you to have a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable up here, because later, we're gonna be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher.

Relax!

Relax.

Bruce gets along with him fine.

He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding.

His gift was a toaster and $90 million.

[ Laughter ]

Well, listen, whatever anybody says here tonight, here's the truth, okay?

Deep down, every single one of us wishes that we have that -- that courage, that swagger of, like, I don't give a fuck that -- that you embody better than any other movie star of our time.

Really. You give us what we want, and we love you for it.

And so, tonight, let's honor one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood.

[ Laughter ]

Not the one who won an Oscar and not the one who became the governor of California, but the one whose agent is just an outgoing message that says, "He'll take it!"

Walter Bruce Willis!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Coming up, Nikki Glaser...

I-I'm not gonna be funny, but I look hot, so that's fine.

...Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd, Lil Rel Howery...

No hard feelings, brother.

...Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera, Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross, and Demi Moore, when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Our first roaster tonight is someone who definitely needs an introduction --

Nikki Glaser!

When she's not hosting her hit radio show, you can find her blowing around outside car dealerships during Toyotathon.

Please welcome Nikki Glaser!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone!

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's so cute, so adorable.

I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first.

Isn't that his look?

Speaking of crusty pussy, I'll get to you in a second, Cybill.

I, um...

[ Laughter ]

I know.

I know.

Martha Stewart, "shank" you for being here.

[ Laughter ]Shank.

Seriously, and congratulations on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina.

[ Audience groans, laughter ]

And into your sweatshops.

That's where they are now.

Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad.

Just, you know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so...

She loves attention to detail.

Is she laughing?

I'm terrified of her.

[ Laughter ]

No, I -- Honestly, Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan, and my mom is an even bigger fan.

My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection, so...

It's close to my heart.

Kevin Pollak is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ah, such an amazing actor.

Most -- Uh, I know Kevin as, like, one of the greatest impressionists of all time.

I'm a huge fan.

My favorite of his is, um, he does an amazing Robin Williams.

I-I just wish he would finish it.

[ Audience groans ]

Yeah. Okay, guys.

Listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it's time we lose some okays.

[ Laughter, groaning ]

Cybill's gorgeous.

I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um -- and her résumé is insane.

Like, if you look at it, it's just like model, actor, singer.

You name it, she's fucked it.

[ Laughter, groaning ]

I wish that wasn't true.

I don't know any of these people.

Cybill...

Why am I here?

Ugh.

Literally, you have, like, no friends.

Um...

[ Laughter ]

It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage with these badass women --

Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret Cho.

I'm sorry, Dom Irrera.

I -- Uh, sorry.

I thought that was...

[ Laughter ]

Dom Irrer-- I know.

You sleepy potato.

[ Laughter ]

Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke on both sides of your face?

-Explain that. -I don't know.

I don't get it.

Dennis Rodman, what's up?

Dennis Rodman!

I first met Dennis just earlier tonight when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk.

[ Laughter ]

I don't want any, okay?

Edward Norton is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, buddy.

Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy and then that boy became an asshole.

Right?

He was so hot in "Fight Club," right?

When he was Brad Pitt.

That was nuts.

[ Laughter ]

Now let's get to Bruce!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Bruce? -Yes?

This is honestly a real -- a big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star.

I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD you kind of just find on the street.

[ Laughter ]

Obviously, you had an amazing action-film career until Jason Statham started balding.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know.

I've never seen a single one of your films consensually.

Like... it's always what some guy puts on while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element," and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl, but because it's hard to follow that plot when you're fighting off a roofie and there's a knuckle inside you, you know?

Just me?

Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense," though.

I loved -- And the ending, when the guy came in my eye and I didn't have to watch the rest of it, that was great.

A lot of people don't know that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible.

It's so cruel.

Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for having me here.

You're really cool. You're so hot.

And this is a special night.

You really are. It's a special night, obviously.

Your family -- Your daughters must be so proud of their father, Ashton Kutcher.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much. Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Oh, that's so good. -Thank you.

I got 'em. Sorry. Thank you.

No.

It felt good.

Coming up, Kevin Pollak...

You're going down.

...and Cybill Shepherd.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ All right!

Our next roaster is Kevin Pollak.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes.

What a career he's had -- over 150 movies and just under 12 minutes of screen time.

[ Laughter ]

Please welcome Kevin Pollak.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fuckin' name.

You know...

You're doing a great job tonight, Joey.

-You are, really. -Thank you, thank you.

He's such a pro.

It's no wonder you've been working steadily in Hollywood since you were 6 years old.

'Course, it helps when your parents aren't choosy about who touches your pee-pee.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of Dennis Rodman, I got to say...

It's odd to see you here. It really is.

It's just odd.

I mean, it's just if you knew Bruce, you know...

He's not fond of the blacks.

[ Laughter ]

Do you see him disagreeing? Or is he laughing?

[ Laughter ]

You might think with a name like Nikki Glaser that she's Jewish, but she's not.

You can tell, actually, because, uh, Jews are funny.

[ Laughter ]

Nikki said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex -- her words.

Hey, good for you.

I mean, it makes sense. Obviously you don't eat.

So you might as well use that hole for something, huh?

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

That's so nice.

Edward Norton, you, sir, are fantastic, one of my all-time favorites.

Honestly. You want to know how brilliant Ed Norton is?

Ask him.

[ Laughter ]

And now on to the man of the hour, Bruce Willis, who I've known...

[ Cheers and applause ]

I've known Bruce for a very, very long time.

We've done three films together, one of them not horrible.

I really don't understand why you agreed to do this.

I mean, if you wanted to be humiliated, clearly, we both know you could've just released another singing album.

[ Laughter ]

Some of you may not know because he bought every copy, but Bruce released an R&B LP back in the '80s.

I did some research to find out whose idea this album was.

Turns out it was his manager.

And by "his manager," I mean cocaine.

[ Laughter ]

Just a tremendous amount of coke.

Like, a Jeff Ross-sized container of coke.

Bruce, pal, you've done some great work recently, especially your subtle turn in Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom."

Loved that film.

Yeah.

The story of two fifth-graders falling in love.

Bruce would've fallen in love with a fifth-grader if he had met his current wife way back when he was 47.

[ Laughter ]

I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife, Demi Moore, in the film "A Few Good Men."

Yeah.[ Cheers and applause ]

I think it's time everyone knew something about Demi.

When she shaved her head, she said it was for her role in the film "G.I. Jane."

But the truth is, she shaved her head because she loved her husband, Bruce.

And he wanted to fuck his own face.

[ Laughter ]

And now, Bruce, one of your friends and co-stars from "Pulp Fiction" couldn't be here tonight, so they've asked me to pass along a message from Christopher Walken.

They've put it up here for me. Here it is.

[ As Christopher Walken ] "Hey, Bruce.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral.

I did want to say, I've always been a fan, particularly your work in the film "12 Monkeys."

Sure, I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey.

But you gave a beautifully nuanced performance reminiscent of a monkey who poops in his hands and then throws it in your face.

Mostly, though, I wanted to take this opportunity to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant, Planet Hollywood.

Ooh.

If I'm honest, it's also my favorite planet.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, Bruce Willis, for having the vision and the courage to ask, 'Hey, who wouldn't want to eat $40 potato skins in a booth next to the hat from "Billy Bathgate"?'"

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Normal voice ] All ball-busting aside, you've been a dear pal to me and my family for a very long time, Bruce, and I love you.

Oh, I love you, buddy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Coming up, Cybill Shepherd...

I love you, and I always will.

...and Lil Rel Howery.

They want me to say really mean things to Bruce Willis, but I won't.

When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Our next roaster is Cybill Shepherd.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cybill has the distinction of being the first actress to hate working with Bruce Willis.

I just learned this. She dated Elvis when she was 19.

And last year, her vagina was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Please welcome Cybill Shepherd!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

I love you all here tonight so much.

And I particularly love one of the most brilliant actors and finest men I've ever known, Mr. Willis.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, darling.

This is my first roast, and I have to say, I'm shocked.

Whew! I've heard words here tonight that I have never heard before, like "Lil."

[ Laughter ]

And "Rel."

[ Laughter ]

Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here, because I've been meaning to apologize for calling the police about your barbecue.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis, I'm so happy to see you.

Gosh, the last time I saw your face, I was shopping for movies at the gas station.

[ Laughter ]

"Moonlighting" was considered the first "dramedy" -- a mix of drama and comedy, which is also a good way to describe Bruce's acting style.

[ Laughter ]

When he does comedy, it seems like drama, and when he does drama, it's hilarious.

But Hollywood wouldn't be Hollywood if they didn't reward a man for aging into mediocrity.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bruce went on to make 96 movies using just one facial expression.

[ Laughter ]

Ed Norton, I was so excited to meet you.

I still think you should have won the Academy Award for playing a Neo-Nazi in "American History X."

Yes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

If you had done that movie today, you would not only have gotten an Oscar, you would get a cabinet position in the White House.

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

I'm thrilled that I got to meet Martha Stewart tonight.

I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies.

I did my best, but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart was the FBI.

[ Laughter ]

And then there's Dom Irrera bringing his classic Italian charm.

Two minutes after I met him, he was hittin' on me.

I had to tell him, "Sorry, the last time I had sex with a 69-year-old, I was 18."

[ Laughter ]

And he owned the studio.

He didn't just live in one.

I ran into Nikki Glaser in the ladies' room.

I saw her from behind, with her slender body and blond hair, and I thought, "She must be a model."

Then she turned around, and I thought, "Nope, she's a comic."

[ Laughter ]

Our characters on "Moonlighting" weren't much of a stretch.

I played a former model, which I was.

And he played an asshole... which he is.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce and I were really attracted to each other, but familiarity can breed contempt, so we didn't act on it.

Too bad.

Because based on how much we ended up hating each other, the sex would've been incredible.

We actually came very close one time to having sex.

But then he whipped it out, started playing with it, and ruined everything.

I'm talking about your harmonica!

[ Laughter ]

Sadly, the stars never aligned for us, and it's never gonna happen now for one obvious reason --

You are way too old for me.

[ Laughter ]

Sure, our relationship was volatile and sometimes explosive, but in the end, it was the perfect formula for success.

I know we haven't had a conversation in 30 years, but we'll always have something more important -- residuals.

Good night. Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

-I love you. -Thank you so much.

Gordon-Levitt: All right.

He provided the comic relief in "Get Out," but don't expect that tonight.

Please welcome Lil Rel.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Oh, shit. What am I doing here?

I don't know any of these old-ass white people up here.

[ Laughter ]

Along with the cast of "Young and the Restless."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Bruce, you've done movies with other black comedians.

Why did you ask somebody who ain't never did shit with you?

I don't get that.

You with Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan.

God damn, this is sad.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, you had a limo driver in "Die Hard," Argyle, and he's not even here and he --

I don't know what the fuck he doin'.

He need this shit.

[ Laughter ]

You don't got Argyle here. What the fuck?

Uh, it's funny to see, like, Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis up here.

Y'all two bald white motherfuckers look crazy as fuck.

Like, both of y'all look like you're on two different stages of cancer.

[ Audience groans ]

Y'all really do.

I'm sorry. Look fucked up.

We got Dennis Rodman here, which I don't wanna talk about, 'cause there's only two brothers here.

But I respect Dennis Rodman.

I'm from Chicago. You know what I mean?

He won three championship with the Bulls.

[ Crowd cheering ]

I mean, he did a lot of dope shit.

Man, he rebounded.

He -- He would take a three every once in a while.

He'd kick the fuckin' referee.

He, like, jag off other players.

A lot of weird shit.

This motherfucker wore a wedding dress and was on the cover of a magazine.

That shit is fuckin' off the chain.

That's it. I ain't got no jokes.

I just mentioned his fuckin'...

[ Laughs ]

Look, Bruce Willis is a fuckin' legend, man.

You know, you had a famous line, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker," which I think is one of the greatest tag lines in movie fuckin' history.

It really is.

Which is why, like, I was happy when he gave me

"T-S-motherfuckin'-A."

That shit was motivated from you for saying, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker."

Yeah, and it was.

I want to just say this, man -- I'm a big fan of you.

I hope we do a movie someday.

I mean, I know you lookin' for -- I mean, let's see.

1, 2, 3. You got to do one more with another black dude.

Let it be me.

You already had Chris Tucker.

You did Tracy Morgan, Argyle, Carl Winslow.

I don't know nobody real names, only know their character names and shit.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, look, we got to stop with these "Die Hards," bro.

Like, this shit is getting fuckin' weird.

It is. I'm confused about which kid you got.

Like, the daughter be missing in one, and then the son be missing in one.

We never see your kids to-fuckin'-gether.

Honestly, you should change your name to John McClane.

You know what I mean? Like, I'm fuckin' confused.

How many fuckin' kids you got?

So look, this is what I suggest.

Next "Die Hard," you put me in it.

I'll play your son, all right?

[ Laughter ]

You adopted me from Africa.

I'm really pitching this shit. I hope y'all listenin'.

There's agents in here.

You adopt me from Africa, and we go to the West Side of Chicago, right, and we fight crime together.

And you shoot me by mistake, and that starts the whole "Die Hard" franchise.

We'll never have to see that shit again, 'cause John McClane is in jail for shooting an innocent black man that he adopted.

[ Laughs ]

But seriously, Bruce Willis, thank you for having me, man.

You are so -- I don't know.

You like -- I don't want to call you, like -- like, my idol, but you kind of are, brother.

Like, you made some movies that -- that made all of us want to be in movies and shit.

So thank you so much for having me, man.

I'm proud of you, man.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Coming up, Martha Stewart...

Hurray.

...Edward Norton.

Bruce, you know that I know a lot of things that you don't want me to know.

When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ All right!

I am a huge fan of our next roaster.

Edward Norton, ladies and gentlemen.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes.

He's fantastic in movies like "Primal Fear,"

"Fight Club," "Birdman," and who could forget Edward Norton as the Incredible Hulk?

"The Avengers" franchise, that's who.

[ Laughter ]

Well, let's give Edward Norton a round of applause.

I know Mark Ruffalo does every night.

Please welcome Edward Norton.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Thank you.

Bruce, uh, slumming it here on your behalf at Comedy Central is, um, not something I would do for many people.

But, um, I owe you big, and you know what I'm talking about, but I would say this puts us totally square.

In fact, I think probably it's back on you after tonight, yeah?

Okay.

It is, uh, a pleasure to be here to stick a fork in my pal Bruce Willis.

Um, I'm not really a -- like, a niche takedown comic like Jeff Ross or -- or a three-name suck-up like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but...

I'm here to do something I think maybe only I can do as someone who has made a career out of character analysis.

I am here to do a deep dissection of how the fucking bartender from New Jersey became such a big titty of a global movie star.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Because I feel -- I feel if I had not distracted myself with obsession on the likes of De Niro and Hoffman and Daniel Day-Lewis...

...things might have been very different.

I'm now coming to realize in middle age, um, if I had cracked the mystery of how you became a movie star, then maybe there still might be time for me to be more like you.

I mean, if I -- if I end up settling for three Academy Award nods and the -- the respect of audiences and critics and my peers globally, I'll -- I'll --

I'll find a way to be happy about it.

But the cold truth of it -- the cold truth of it is that good reviews in The New Yorker and Oscar nominations that -- that you lose to the fucking Farmer's Insurance pitchman J.K. Simmons...

[ Laughter ]

They don't -- Those things are great, but they don't buy you half of fucking Idaho, do they?

No, they do not.

They do not.

It's not that I'm jealous, but, Jesus, you get away with everything.

I mean, can I cock my eye and say some cryptic shit that literally not one person in the room understands and have everyone laugh their asses off?

I cannot.

You think I'm -- You think I'm --

You're laughing 'cause you think I'm making a joke.

I was sitting in a bar with Bruce and I asked him if he liked the script I'd sent him, and he says, "Try keeping a marriage together when 22 is still on the menu."

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck does that mean?

I mean, I know what it means, but why say it to that?

I...

But I fell off my barstool laughing.

I had no idea why.

I still don't know what he thought of the script, and we're done making the movie.

I don't think he's read it.

Can I act that weird and have people love me?

I cannot.

Can I -- Can I say things like, "The #MeToo movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics," while I'm wearing a "Make American Great Again" hat and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists, call that a twofer, and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood executives call my agent the next morning and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business?

I most definitely cannot.

I wish I was Teflon like you, but, then again, I do like my kids not being embarrassed by me.

[ Laughter ]

But seriously, could I ever leave a movie set after my close-ups are done and leave every one of my co-stars for the last 30 years to act their scenes looking at a C-stand with a red "X" taped to it, listening to the 60-year-old script girl reading the John McClane lines to them and still have directors like Quentin Tarantino call me?

No, I act my fucking ass off. Quentin never calls me.

You know what I wouldn't give for the opportunity to tell that prick, "I'm gonna rewrite this piece of shit tonight."

By the way -- By the way, when Wes Anderson calls him --

He and I do "Moonrise Kingdom" together, and this is true.

Everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together.

We did our own costumes and makeup.

We did our own hair, and we went to set in a van together to save money, even Bill Murray, but not Bruce fuckin' Willis.

[ Laughter ]

He rented the Carnegie Mansion next door like a boss.

When Wes said, "Do you think Bruce understands that I really want this to be like a-a repertory theater troupe?"

I said, "Shut the fuck up, you long-haired pussy.

That's a fuckin' movie star."

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's not fair. It's not fair.

I got acclaim, but I --

I can't pull big-cock movie-star power moves like him and say, "Fuck the box office and fuck streaming services.

I'm not making any more movies unless they go straight to DVD."

[ Laughter ]

And keep that up for, like, what, five years now?

No way. If I pulled that, my ass would be out in the cold, and they'd be calling Joseph "Three Name" Levitt for "Fight Club 2."

[ Laughter ]

I couldn't make "Hudson Hawk" and literally work ever again for a single day.

Never. No one else would've survived that.

You thrived.

Why is this? Why? Why?

We have to figure it out.

Was it your training? No.

You didn't go to candy-ass acting class for training.

You did mounds of cocaine and tended bar with your male ballerina pal Steve Eads and...

[ Audience cheers ]

I mean, what -- what good is acting school, anyway, you know?

I mean...

I think maybe -- maybe it's your name.

Bruce Willis. It pops.

It's just an action hero.

Mine still makes people think of Eddie Murphy sodomizing Art Carney.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know. Maybe it's -- I try to challenge myself.

I look for roles that stretch me and are different, whereas you deliver consistently the same performance.

And I mean, like, the same one every fucking time.

Maybe it's the script.

I have to adopt your relationship to the script.

I tried to be like you.

I did a big action movie called "The Incredible Hulk."

You know what went wrong? I wanted a better script.

I thought maybe we should try to make one Marvel movie that was at least as good as the worst Chris Nolan movie, but what the hell was I thinking?

The last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script.

I'm such an idiot.

[ Laughter ]

The script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead, say short, memorable quip, no more than four words, shoot the gun, duck, repeat, the end.

It's a half a page long.

You could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set.

You don't, but you could.

[ Laughter ]

He doesn't have time for lines.

He has to blow shit up.

I'm so stupid.

All my decisions have been wrong.

I have to start going for scripts that are short and dumb, full of grunts, easily dubbed for the Bosnian market.

And then I could get a G-5, a Caribbean island, seven daughters by three different women -- that I know of.

At the end of the day, though, I've come to think, actually, it might just be all about your head -- your incredible bald head.

And, frankly, I --

I think it's 'cause it closely resembles a nicely shaped cock.

It's -- Look at it. Look at it.

Turn sideways.

Look at it.

And like a nicely shaped penis, nobody can stop looking at it.

It's totally hypnotic to men and women alike.

You -- You have a perfect dick-head.

And, uh, men and women are both comfortable with it.

They think it's funny, a little scary, a little sexy.

Just that is a rare thing.

It's a rare thing, and I know, because I tried to emulate you in "American History X."

I shaved my head. I acted like a racist asshole.

And, um, it's probably the closest any actor has actually come to being you in a film, and I got nominated for Best Actor.

But -- But the movie made less money than you made on the opening weekend of "Nobody's Fool."

It's like...

You got to work with Paul Newman, and all I got was my skinhead poster in the bathrooms of the gay clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know. I think I have to accept it.

I think I have to accept I will never be the global dickhead powerhouse that you are.

No matter how good I am, no matter how committed, no matter how professional, all those things take me further from your standard of stardom.

There is nobody else like you, damn it.

Nobody. Um, joking aside...

I was doing a play many years ago in New York, and, um, I came home one night after the show.

And there was a letter in my apartment building from the Four Seasons Hotel.

And I read it, and it was one of the most thoughtful, articulate letters I got about this whole play.

And it was signed "Bruce Willis."

And I immediately called my friend Stewart and said, "Fuck you. It's a wind-up."

And, uh, he said, "I don't know what you're talking about.

So, I called Bruce.

I said, "Did you really write me this letter?"

He said, "Yeah."

So we had a beer, and, um, he says, essentially, "You're doing the kind of work I want to be a part of, and whatever you're doing, if you can put me in the mix, I'm in, sight unseen."

And, um, I didn't think that would really stick.

And many years later, when I wanted to make my own film, real passion project -- it's hard to get those things done -- he was the first person I called.

And he said, "I told ya, if you ever need me, I'm in."

And, uh, we just made this movie together and had a beautiful time.

And I wouldn't have gotten it made with you.

Uh, and I'm really deeply grateful for that.

Um, I love you.

Or maybe I'm very a good actor and I'm just acting when I say that.

You would...

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

Yeah!

Um...

You wouldn't know the difference, and that's the reason I love you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, buddy.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Thank you.

Fantastic.

Coming up, Martha Stewart...

I decided to come out here and rekindle our friendship.

...and Dom Irrera, when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ All right!

Sorry, I just have to say, that was one of the coolest things that has to have happened on TV recently.

That was -- That was amazing.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay.

Our next roaster is Martha Stewart.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Martha worked her way through college as a model, posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo.

[ Laughter ]

She's the hostess with the most-est indictments.

But her rap sheet has an 800-thread count.

It's Martha Stewart, ladies and gentlemen.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Indistinct rapping ]

♪♪ Wow. What a night. Ha.

Thank you, Joseph.

I know something about hosting parties, so I want to congratulate you on being the perfect host tonight.

You set the table, faded into the background, and let the interesting people shine.

-Bravo. -Thank you.

Thank you.

What a dais.

Dennis Rodman, where do I begin?

If you had told me back in the '90s that Dennis Rodman would be negotiating a nuclear-arms agreement in 2018, I would've said, "Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?"

[ Laughter ]

Local comedian Dom Irrera is here.

Dom, I know your career never really took off, but if you just keep doing what you've been doing, I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack.

[ Laughter ]

And, Edward Norton, I am a huge fan.

You are amazing.

Edward takes the craft of acting very seriously.

He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk by spending 30 years losing his temper and turning into a giant asshole.

[ Laughter ]

Nikki Glaser, you have it all -- the name of a professional porn star and the body of an amateur porn star.

[ Laughter ]

You know, I'm a big supporter of the #MeToo movement, but remember, Nikki, "me too" shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser.

Noted.

Well, there are so many celebrities here tonight.

We have men from movies, women from TV, and Lil Rel from, I'm guessing, the California Raisins?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, and, now, the lovely Cybill Shepherd is here.

I remember years ago, when I heard there was going to be a movie -- a TV movie -- about me, I thought, "Oh, God, no," because they're always so dreadful.

I was really nervous.

Well, you can imagine my relief when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me.

I thought, "Cybill Shepherd? Great.

No one will see it."

[ Laughter ]

Now, Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career basically ended after that role, as if you'd offended someone, someone with power, someone with vast resources and money.

Who could cook up such a plan?

Who could craft such a scheme?

It was me, bitch.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, hi, Bruce.

I have great respect for our honoree, Bruce Willis, our roastee, probably because I've never seen any of the movies everybody's talking about.

[ Laughter ]

Unlike everyone here tonight, I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music.

I play it at all my parties when it's late and I want everyone to leave immediately.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce and I are actually neighbors.

We're in the same town, Bedford.

He has a wonderful house.

The interior design is amazing.

He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, except his new wife.

I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding.

He hand-delivered the invitation, and I told him, "I'll catch the next one."

[ Laughter ]

But all jokes aside, Bruce, I have to say that, despite what everyone else has said about you tonight, I think you are a good neighbor, a great actor, and a very, very solid fuck buddy.

[ Laughter ]

See you tomorrow. Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Oh, darling, thank you. Thanks for coming.

-Martha Stewart killed it. -Hi, guys.

Coming up, Dom Irrera and Dennis Rodman.

Bruce, I'm coming for ya, baby. I'm coming for ya.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Our next presenter is truly perspiring, Dom Irrera.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dom is so old, he's not gonna get #MeToo'ed.

He's gonna get #YeToo'ed.

[ Laughter ]

Please welcome Dom Irrera.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Wow.

I never thought I'd be spending a Saturday night thinking, "Fuck, I hope I can follow Martha Stewart."

[ Laughter ]

And it was really good hearing Ed Norton talk about himself so much.

I've never seen anybody roast somebody else and talk about themselves with that kind of sincerity.

What an arrogant motherfucker he is.

Jesus Christ.

[ Laughter ]

I'd like to beat the fuck out of him.

[ Laughter ]

This skinny little prick, I met him in the hall.

He fuckin' blew me off.

I never liked your work. I never liked you.

And I got to tell you, it's an honor to meet you.

[ Laughter ]

Man.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Kevin Pollak -- I love Kevin Pollak.

You are amazing.

Ladies, think about it.

If you were Kevin's wife, you could fuck a different celebrity every night while he watches and jerks off.

Just picture that little, pathetic, little pool of jizz on his Jewish stomach.

I can't say "Jew" without "bastard" at the end.

It's killing me in this town.

It's fuckin' killing me over here.

Edward Norton, Ed, hey, you did a movie called "Primal Fear."

It was named after the feeling he got every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom.

It's a true story, ladies and gentlemen.

It this thing on? Is this on?

Actually, he dated Courtney Love, but he never became famous enough for her to have him murdered.

[ Audience groans ]

Cybill Shepherd, first of all, Cybill, you did great coming up here.

You fuckin' --

Your acting abil-- I'm serious.

And it's an honor to meet you.

In her first film, "Last Picture Show,"

Cybill had sex with the star, the director, the producer, and the writer.

Today, we call that a "Me Four."

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross, good to see you.

I'm kidding.

[ Laughter ]

Look at your face.

What kind of God would let that happen?

Jeff just bought a new house and staffed it with three personal chefs.

First two died of exhaustion.

[ Laughter ]

Lil Rel -- I've been sitting next to Lil Rel all night.

I'm glad I met this guy.

This guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves.

Yesterday, he walked into a Starbucks, and the manager yelled, "Get Out."

[ Laughter ]

I got a million of them!

All right, okay, okay.

That's it with me roasting the people I know and don't know.

Now I got to talk about you.

Congratulations on the roast, man, and Comedy Central roasts only the best people, like you, Donald Trump, that guy from "Baywatch."

Bruce, I see you now, and I see your beautiful daughters, and I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you. I remember when we had nothing.

And we would go to your house and take a bath together, and we would -- we loved each other.

We would wash each other's taints, and I always made sure that your taint was taut before you went out.

Bruce wasn't even the best actor in his house.

Demi Moore was.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know, and it's funny.

I see you, and I see you with your daughters, and I see the love, and they're such beautiful girls, and I think about how you never hear a father brag about his daughter's sexual prowess.

You know, they always brag about, "My son's a buck.

He's a stud.

Freshman year of college, he nailed everybody.

Boys, girls, dogs, he didn't give a fuck."

You ever hear a father brag about his daughter?

"You hear that up there? Listen to that.

That's my daughter taking on 10 guys.

Yeah, that's my baby. That's our youngest.

She always loved cock. The bigger, the better.

She always had men lined up around the block.

Guys tag-teaming her from behind, high-fiving over her jizz-filled back, dropping loads in her ears.

She couldn't hear them.

What can I tell you, huh?

She's just like her mother, that kid."

Thank you. I love you.

-Should I do more? -Oh, my God.

No, you're killing me.

-Thank you. I love you. -I love you, too.

Oh, my God.

Coming up, Jeff Ross, Dennis Rodman...

Little Kim wants you to sign something.

I thought Lil' Kim had big tits and black.

...and a special appearance by Demi Moore.

Surprise!

When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ All right, our next roaster is Dennis Rodman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

They call him "The Worm" because he's always on the sidewalk after it rains.

[ Laughter ]

You can see him on "Celebrity Rehab" or flying coach to North Korea.

Please welcome Dennis Rodman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Hi. I'm Dennis Rodman.

I'm the only guy on this stage has done some really cool shit.

Hey, Ed Norton. What's up, man?

Edward goes by "Edward" and not "Ed" because he is a real dick.

[ Laughter ]

Ed Norton was in three of my favorite things --

"American History X,"

"Fight Club," and Salma Hayek.

[ Audience cheers ]

Martha Stewart, I see you right there, baby.

The next time you go to jail, please call me.

I will secure your release.

[ Laughter ]

And look at that guy over there, Lil Rel.

Looking like fuckin' David Ortiz bobblehead.

[ Laughter ]

Cybill, I see you over there, baby.

I see you.

Cybill Shepherd --

It sounds like a disease that you get when you're fucking a sheep.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross --

Jeff's dick is so small, it looks like a hat for his nuts.

[ Laughter ]

People have been calling Joseph a pussy all night.

If one more person calls Joseph a pussy again, I'm going to lick him for 20 minutes.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Bruce Willis, the last time I saw you was in the strip club.

-You remember that? -I do.

Yes, yes, you do.

And, Nikki, you was great on the stage, baby.

Thank you.

Bruce, you keep making these fucking bombs.

But guess what. So does Kim Jong-un.

But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his.

[ Laughter ]

I'm out there saving the world.

You can't even save Planet Hollywood.

Bruce came up with this whole idea about the Planet Hollywood, you know?

He wanted to compete with the Hard Rock.

That was a great fuckin' idea, wasn't it?

So, anyway, he want all his Hollywood friends to invest.

He put in hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I put in a lot of damn money.

You owe me more money than my fuckin' family.

[ Laughter ]

I'm not here to roast you.

I'm here to collect, honey.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bruce, you made a lot of bad decisions in your life, and that's coming from me.

[ Laughter ]

I broke my dick three times.

I fucked Madonna without a condom.

I even married myself and still somehow lost half of my fuckin' money in divorce.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce, thank you very much for inviting me to your roast.

It's amazing, man. You know what?

You have done so much for this industry, and you --

I always get emotional and shit, right?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm just --

Little hot, little hot, little hot.

Little hot. Little hot, guys.

It's just the light.

-It's the light. -Go, Dennis!

But anyway, Bruce, you've done so much for this industry, especially for people like us, as men, that we don't have the opportunity and the courage to face it when we're wrong and we make that bad decision, but we have a beautiful family, and your kids have to stand by you.

Thank you for having me, brother.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-You did great. -I almost died.

That's great. No, you did great.

That was tough.

All right, so listen.

We actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Whoo!

Thank you.

Surprise!

Thank you.

Are you surprised?

Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?

-Yes. -Yes, I knew he would be.

I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday, I knew he'd forget.

[ Laughter ]

So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three "Die Hard" movies, which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

[ Laughter ]

After all these years, I have to say, you know what?

You look good.

I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.

But we had some great times together.

I mean, we shared a lot.

I had three beautiful, amazing children.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Four if you count Bruce.

And then there's the dogs and Ashton, so it's like six, but you know.

I mean, and, of course, you know, like, we did argue over the kids' names, and in the end, Bruce won.

That's how they got stuck with "Willis."

[ Laughter ]

But I have to say, our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.

[ Laughter ]

But let me just say, he is a great father.

I mean, seriously.

I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls go make him his special coffee with "medicine,"

I mean, he would come down the chimney in the wife-beater T-shirt, waving that gun, saying, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!"

Yeah!

And, man, I mean, that's what he's always called them, and they just -- they just love his tag lines.

I mean, but what you might not know --

Bruce is super -- I mean, really generous.

I mean, when our daughter Rumer was a baby and it was his turn to change the diaper in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper, and he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now if you change that diaper."

Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well, the lawyer said, "Don't worry. We'll take care of it.

We'll get it in the end."

And Scout -- Scout asked me not to say anything, but just last week, he offered her $1,000 to change hisdiaper.

I mean, you know, some things never change.

They don't.

I mean, we were married -- let's see -- almost 12 years, and that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.

But I was there for some special moments.

Like, groundbreaking. When Bruce was --

He got his career-breaking moment in "Pulp Fiction."

-Yeah. -I mean, it was...

It seemed really odd at the time.

I mean, he's big action star, like, doing a little indie film, but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein's hotel, and I don't know.

He came back swinging that ball gag, and, man, he said, "I got the part."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.

Like, I know that I have dyed and cut and styled my hair I can't tell you -- a million ways, but not Bruce.

I mean, that's his real hair.

And, ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.

[ Laughter, cheering ]

I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.

I'm just saying whichever place you look, it looks like a dick.

[ Laughter ]

You know, after our divorce, he said that he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure.

But, Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.

You have had much bigger failures.

I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawk,"

"Striking Distance."

Come on, campaigning for Michael Dukakis.

I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven" to focus on playing the harmonica.

I mean...

I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show, so...

But you know what?

I look back over all the years that we've had together.

We certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say, those were some of the best times of my life.

I just look at our marriage like "The Sixth Sense."

You were dead the whole time.

[ Laughter ]

All kidding aside --

Truly, all kidding aside, I'm really honored to be here.

You are someone I truly care about.

You will always have a special place in my heart.

I'm so grateful that you're in my life and our children's lives, and no matter what, you will always be family.

You've been a great friend, a great father, and easily one of my top three husbands.

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Good night.

Oh, baby.

-Was that all right? -Oh, terrific.

It was fucking great.

Hi, Kevin Pollak.

Oh, my God.

Coming up, Jeff Ross...

Me roast you long time, motherfucker!

...and Bruce Willis.

He's a brave man or he needs the money.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Our next roaster is the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's done 14 Comedy Central roasts, because if you do 15, you get a free pizza.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff will be on the season premiere of "Roast Battle" after this broadcast, so if you want to see how much fatter he gets by then, check it out.

Please welcome Jeff Ross!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Happy roast, everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Look at this beautiful crowd.

Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel.

Bruce is a real man's man.

He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight, and it's been great getting to know you and your lovely family, and I see -- I met Rumer, your daughter.

Hi, Rumer.

I guess that's the name your mom gives you when she's not 100% sure who your father is.

[ Laughter ]

Get a shot of that whole table.

It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce.

Your family looks like all the villains you killed off in the "Die Hard" movies.

[ Laughter ]

What a legend.

Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists since before they were Arab.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis, you love your country so much, he once said that if the people wanted it, he might even run for president someday.

I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations, but the last time I did that, the fucker actually became president.

[ Laughter ]

All night, people are saying I look like you, but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner-Willis.

[ Audience groans ]

And Lil Rel --

Lil Rel looks like Bruce "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original.

How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim?

You look like Sir Patrick Stewart if he operated a Ferris wheel.

[ Laughter ]

How the fuck are you a movie star?

You look like a bouncer at a nursing home.

You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts instead of wascally wabbits.

[ Laughter ]

This fucking guy.

Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad, he's slowly morphing into one.

[ Laughter ]

It's crazy.

He went from being Hollywood's leading man to Demi Moore looking at you and saying, "You know what?

I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from "Dude, Where's My Car?"

[ Laughter ]

But, Bruce, we all wish you luck with your lawsuit against the Blue Man Group.

[ Laughter ]

This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star.

You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history.

My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction" when you saved the guy from getting fucked in the ass.

Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like, "Wait, who's the bad guy again?"

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck?

Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb.

"Death Wish" -- what a fuckin' stinker, Bruce.

You looked like you did your own stunts and your own lighting, editing, and directing.

[ Laughter ]

Whew!

How about a hand for tonight's host, Joseph "Boredom" Levitt.

[ Cheers and applause ]

JGL!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt -- the only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks for dressing up, Joseph.

You look like a lesbian on the way to prom.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Joseph starred in "3rd Rock from the Sun," and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, why not?

Give it up for our next Secretary of State, my man Dennis Rodman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You think Kim Jong-un is a nice guy, and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen.

[ Laughter, applause ]

My pal Lil Rel is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So happy for you, buddy. So happy.

Congrats on all your success and your newest film, "Angry Birds 2."

Good to see you're not selling out.

[ Laughter ]

What do you play, Jim Crow?

[ Audience groans ]

Great to see Cybill Shepherd again.

And just like most shepherds, Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man.

Years after their affair, Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you.

Is that true? Yeah.

All right.

Hell yeah!

Wow.

You'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell.

[ Audience groans ]

Oh, my God!

And speaking of moonlighting, Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill to be here.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say, "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse."

True. That's right.

Kevin Pollak, I love you, man, but that Christopher Walken impression is so old, Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it.

[ Laughter ]

Love you, Kevin. Sit tight.

You're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies.

-Bruce. -Yes?

You've accomplished so much, buddy, but I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon" that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career, because in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock.

Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, and I wish you continued success, good health, and I can't wait to see your next project --

"Die Hard 6: Natural Causes."

[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ] Oh, baby.

-Love you, buddy. -That was -- Love you, too.

-Oh, God. Unbelievable. -So fun.

-Knock 'em dead over there. -So much fun.

Jeff Ross just fucking destroyed.

Coming up, Bruce Willis with a vengeance.

Willis: People are gonna be crying.

They're gonna be laughing.

Apparently, they're gonna let people drink.

Do you think that's gonna be a problem?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪ Give it up for the unbreakable, unmistakable, rippin-est, rockin-est the Hudson Hawken-est.

He's the man of the hour, from the Nakatomi Tower, Bruce Willis!

♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot, na-na-na oh ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Willis: Whoo!

Come out to the roast.

We'll get together and have a few laughs.

If you're fan of Bruce Willis movies, and I know that you are... then you know how this works.

I get the shit beat out of me for about an hour and a half, and then at the end, I come back and whip everybody's ass.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Out!

So, buckle up, bitches!

This is ass-whuppin' time!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what I'm talking about.

You know, in my action movies, there's always some young punk trying to come at me, and tonight, it's Judas Gordon-Levitt.

Joe, I took you under my wing, tried to make you tough, tried to make you an action star, which ain't easy to do with a kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating.

[ Laughter ]

Joseph played a younger me in "Looper."

Couldn't pull it off.

[ Laughter ]

There's only one actor who successfully played me.

It was Demi Moore.

[ Laughter ]

And she made a lot more money than you did, sweetheart.

Jeff Ross, how many of these roasts have you done?

Plenty.

You'll never get successful doing the same thing over and over and over, Jeff.

I mean, I did, but you can't.

[ Laughter ]

I'll tell you who's a badass up here, and that is my buddy Edward Norton.

Get the fuck up here!

"Fight Club" was the perfect movie for you.

Who doesn't want to watch Ed Norton get punched in the face for about 90 minutes?

I love you, Ed. I do.

But you do have a rep in this town for being... you know, hard to work with.

Norton's rubbed more people the wrong way than Harvey Weinstein.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry.

But you were great in "The Italian Job."

[ Audience cheers ]

An Italian job is also when you titty fuck Dom Irrera.

[ Laughter ]

Lil Rel. Saw you in "Get Out."

Man, I love that movie.

If you haven't seen it, it's about how black people are really rude house guests.

[ Laughter ]

And now I want to take on the toughest person up here -- my friend ex-con Martha Stewart.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, baby.

If anyone can survive in prison, it's someone who can toss a salad.

[ Audience cheers ]

That's right.

Martha's a real corporate kingpin.

She even has her own brand of wine.

It's like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box.

[ Laughter ]

Martha is also a humanitarian.

When she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages, she sent them sewing machines.

[ Laughter ]

What's wrong with that?

Kevin Pollak, welcome to the party, pal.

You owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate.

You've made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid.

[ Laughter ]

And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses.

Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan.

You and Vince Vaughn were great in "Wedding Crashers."

[ Laughter ]

I see it!

-I see it. -I'm sorry.

You know, Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend.

There's people I've known longer, but you are my oldest friend.

When I got cast in "Moonlighting," they picked me over 3,000 other actors because they wanted someone who didn't have a sexual history with Cybill.

[ Laughter ]

It's so great to be back on TV with you, honey, in another show starring me.

[ Laughter ]

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

And finally, it's so great to have the esteemed diplomat Dennis Rodman here.

-Whoo! -Oh, shit.

I don't want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator, but he thinks a shoe deal is when you get two at the same time.

[ Laughter ]

Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communicate when neither of you speak English?

Dennis, I know you think it's a big deal that you saved the world, but it's not as much as it's made up to be.

Who cares? I've saved the world 18 times.

Nothing can keep me down.

I've been attacked by terrorists, asteroids, film critics, music critics, restaurant critics, divorce lawyers, male-pattern baldness, and none of it -- none of it stopped me because I am still Bruce Fuckin' Willis.

[ Cheers and applause ]

People ask me why I did this roast.

Was it because one of the last guys who did it became president?

Hell no.

Why would I want to be president when I can just keep being Bruce Fuckin' Willis?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Huh? Yeah?

I did this roast for one reason and for one reason only -- to settle something once and for all.

Now, please, listen very carefully.

"Die Hard" is not a Christmas movie!

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie.

So, yippee ki-yay to all of you motherfuckers.

Good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ "Respect Yourself" plays ]

♪♪

[ Harmonica playing ]

♪♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪♪

♪♪ Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!

My favorite joke of the night was Jeff Ross, that you have a lawsuit going with the Blue Man Group.

-She looks great. -Yeah.

Ross: I had no idea Demi Moore would ever come out at his roast.

And she was hilarious, to boot.

And she looks great.

So hopefully she'll be at the after party.

I think I got a shot.

I thought something was gonna dislocate my jaw

'cause I was laughing so hard.

It was going like this. I was like [Grunts]

"I don't think I can pull it down anymore."