Community S1E10 Script

Environmental Science (2009)

Okay, you can hear me? Okay. Um, good morning.

I'm here to kick off the first day of a new tradition at our school called Green Week.

What?

First, a month to black history, now, seven days on the Irish.

All this week, Greendale College is becoming so Earth-smart that we're changing our name to Envirodale.

But we were already called Greendale.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there's also going to be a free rock and roll concert by a certain band called Green Day.

That make you happy?

No, not really.

We need to re-do these.

We printed 5000.

Well, print 5000 more.

I'm trying to save a planet here.

Pencils down.

Annie.

I wasn't...

I want you all to write a one-page essay, in Español entitled, "Annie's Mistake."

Why doesn't Annie have to write it?

Okay, two pages, entitled:

"The Consequences of Questioning Authority."

This is Spanish 101.

I know how to say "hello", "tomorrow", "tables are female."

That's the only Spanish you taught us.

Oh! Six pages on ignorance.

Guys, put your hands down.

Señor Chang, please continue. We respect your authority.

Thank you, Britta. Twenty pages on ass kissing.

Due on Monday.

This Monday?

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ If Señor Chang gets any crazier, he's gonna win one of those Grammy awards.

I've already reported him to the dean.

He said they've been trying to fire him for three years but nobody wants his job.

I can't write a 20-page paper.

I got a presentation in Marketing class on Friday.

And public speaking gives me the nervous sweats.

I can help you with that. I accept.

That's how messed up things are.

Well, we're screwed too.

We're three days behind on a Biology lab.

The reason it's taking so long is Troy's afraid of...

I'm not afraid, Abed.

I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular.

Same goes for centipedes and lakes.

There's only one solution.

Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.

I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time.

In a way, all of you are right.

What was I tuning out?

You have to get Chang to call off this homework.

The one with the silver tongue.

Yeah, go tongue Chang.

What makes you think I could convince Chang if I can't even convince you not to make me do it?

Jeff raises a good point.

Wait. You are convincing.

You could do it.

You want me to risk the C that I'm pulling in that psycho's class by putting myself on his radar?

That guy goes any more nuts, he's gonna win a Grammy.

You are hilarious. That's very funny.

What is it, the chair?

How do you think you're gonna keep pulling a C if he keeps assigning this much work?

Because I have you guys.

Well, guess what, handsome hobo?

Your gravy train's leaving the station.

Ignore what she's doing. We are serious.

Fine, I'll do it.

But when you find my body, don't believe the suicide note.

This better not awaken anything in me.

Green Day is here. Oh, wow.

Okay, what's this about now?

We're Greene Daeye.

Okay. Oh.

What do you want, Winger?

You complaining about homework on behalf of the class?

Can I ask you a personal question, Señor Chang?

Okay, Freud.

Sure, you try to penetrate my psychological armor and you...

Did your wife leave you? Holy...

How'd you know?

Well, when you pick juries, you learn to read the little stuff.

Same shirt twice in one week.

Teaching us the word esposa means "liar."

A picture of you with a woman with a Post-it note dialogue balloon above her head that says, "Enjoy it while it lasts."

We met at a salsa club.

And, um, she loved the way I danced.

But you know how it goes. You get a job...

You stop salsa dancing. Of course I know.

You make no mistake about this, Winger.

I pleasured that woman greatly.

Yeah. You look like you would have to.

I'm not surprised you said that.

I like you, Winger.

Pickled bull testicle?

Uh, are you offering or collecting?

♪ Mary had a little lamb ♪

♪ Little lamb Little lamb ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Somewhere out there ♪ Troy, sing.

The assignment is to train a rat to respond to a song.

Yeah. Did you have to pick a duet?

Hm? Hm?

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ Beneath the pale moonlight ♪ He did it. Good boy, Fievel. Commencing reward.

I have to open the cage.

You don't have to warn me, I'm not afraid!

Fievel.

Everybody, shut up.

I'll kick all your asses, but you all have to come up here.

Dude, you are gonna be fine.

You just have to move on.

And if you hang out with me sometime, you will see how great single life can be.

Yeah? Yeah.

What about tonight?

Absolutely.

Oh, shoot.

My Spanish study group has to get together every night now.

You have been really letting us have it with this homework.

I really have, haven't I? Yeah.

Tell you what, for my new buddy, Jeff, essay cancelled.

Shh-clacky. Fantastic.

That is fantastic. Everybody will be so happy.

Oh-oh-oh. I didn't say everybody.

It's for my new friend Jeff.

You're the one coming out with me, right?

Right. Yeah.

I suppose that will put you in an unenviable, uncomfortable position and wanna be...

Your jacket. Let's do this. Awesome, great.

Is there a rat in here?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Abed. El Tigre.

Well, did you talk to Chang?

Yeah, but it didn't do any good.

My head still hurts from the yelling.

My pupils are more sensitive to light because he yelled at me so much.

Oh, well, now I feel bad that we made you do that.

Maybe we can help with your essay.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm working on mine by myself.

You could do my homework next time.

See you in class.

He's hiding something.

Britta, Jeff suffered for us. Give him a little credit.

Yeah. You can be pretty cold.

Troy? Damn.

Here comes Abed. He needs my help.

I gotta get out of here.

Troy? You guys seen a rat?

Troy knocked over Fievel's cage and he escaped.

Oh, Abed, I'm sorry.

He probably found more rats and is very happy living with them.

Try to join the rest of us in reality, Britta.

I believe that, uh, fusing brownies with the, uh, Internet is going to create the next Napster for brownies.

Yawn!

Can't I just write it on cards?

No.

Do you know anybody who reads from cards?

No. No, you don't, and that's why.

You might consider a darker top.

Note taken. Oh, and don't...

Don't lock your knees. Never lock your knees.

You know what happens when you lock your knees?

You die. Oh.

Second, when you wanna drive home a point, hand them a sandwich.

Try it. Hand them a sandwich. See?

Hand them a sandwich. Yeah.

Except that you're...

You just dropped the sandwich as opposed to handing it to them.

Handing the palm. Right. Yeah.

Try attention-grabbing words to wake up the audience, such as: multiple orgasm.

Oh, no, no. I don't think that would fit into my message.

Maybe we should focus more on... Whatever.

Yeah, and about these filler words of yours.

I mean, nobody wants to buy brownies from somebody that says "um" and "like."

I have a method for fixing that. Start from the top.

Okay. Ahem.

These brownies are, uh... Uh!

They, um... Um!

These brownies are delicious.

They taste like... Like.

That's not a filler word. Whatever, valley girl.

The difference between usted and tu is a matter of formality.

You are old.

You are ugly.

No, you're not.

Shakira.

Shakira.

Westside!

You are dirty.

Dude. Still formal but plural.

Because while both are dirty, neither are my friends. Okay?

And on another subject, hope you guys are working hard on your essays.

That's 30 percent of your grade.

Oh, no.

Jeff already turned in his essay.

Great job. Thanks.

As soon as you turn in your essays on Monday, there's gonna be a big-ass quiz, so study hard.

Class dismissed.

Dude. Dude.

Crazy night last night, man. That was crazy.

When you go out with me, it gets crazy.

That's the Winger guarantee.

Dude, let's do it again.

Yeah, I want to, it's just the quiz, you know?

Study, study.

Well, how about this:

Bling. A-plus. Nice work, Winger.

I knew I could do it if I applied myself.

Cherry daiquiri. Cherry daiquiri.

Uh-huh, later.

You devious clump of overpriced fabric and hair product.

Speaking as one of meek, as soon as I inherit Earth, you dead.

You got a weird forehead.

We're all very disappointed.

All right, dial it back a little.

If anyone should be disappointed, it's me.

What kind of group threatens to kick someone out unless he helps them?

What kind of a person is asked to help other people and then helps himself? Yeah.

Helps himself?

I don't like being talked to that way.

He's using fake outrage to justify leaving.

Fake outrage? Justify my...?

Yeah, that's it, I'm out of here.

Are you breaking up with the group?

That's what you guys want.

I've been divorced seven times.

Don't answer your phones and bury all your money in the backyard.

Here you go. Look at Pierce's paragraph from unit two.

Let's see, "I took a computer class at Tienda De Manzana," the Apple Store.

Adorable. Keep going.

"And the saleswoman had manzanas gigantes."

Ruined it. Imagine being married to him?

Seven times, seven different women agreed to marry that guy.

It's crazy.

I'm so alone.

I'm so lonely, I wanna die.

Come on, man. It... Come on. Don't do that.

I just miss her so much. Yeah.

I'm sorry. This is so stupid.

No, no, no, it's fine, it's just...

Buddy, you know... I'm dumb.

I can see that you're hurting but I have to get to Accounting.

It's not like I'm hitting strip clubs with Professor Whitman.

You better not be. What?

All I ask is for you to keep filling the void in my soul.

I'll have to think of something.

Let me rest gently on your pecs.

Best closer to a presentation, a Nicholson quote.

You take a phrase from one of his films and you tailor it to your product.

You can't handle a moist towelette.

Something like that, you know.

But you can't use that one. That's mine.

Thanks, Pierce.

I'm gonna write it on cards. Okay.

Just don't let anybody know I was involved.

Why do you care so much?

I don't. Because Fievel's going to die.

I'd rather die than listen.

Who's going to die? Yeah.

Dean says the exterminator is coming because of our rat.

I'd like to exterminate this conversation.

What are you doing? He's sitting in Jeff's chair, so he's trying to act like Jeff.

Oh! Oh.

Uh, e-mail.

I thought you might wanna help me because we are friends.

Take it from a former prom king.

Real friends help me with things, not vice versa.

I would face my fears to help you.

Exactly. Because you're my friend.

Am I?

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ Beneath the pale moonlight ♪ Abed.

If he gets any nuttier, they'll put him on The View.

That works. Yeah.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna study. Ah!

Fievel?

Fievel.

Fievel?

Fievel.

Fievel.

Woo-woo-woo.

Okay, thank you.

Green Week was a rousing success here at Greendale.

And now for our band, Greene Daeye.

They're not the real Green Day.

Thought we should just rip that Band-Aid off quickly. Okay.

Hey. What's up? Hey!

Just got your text, man. Wanna hang out?

Because if you don't, I will fail you.

Actually, I had an idea for an extra-credit project.

We've been asked to dedicate our first song to "Señor and Señora Chang."

She said she didn't wanna talk to me.

I didn't tell her you wanted to talk.

"The estimation of market value of brownies has...

I, uh... Target group..."

Ms. Bennett, I'm afraid I have to ask you to put down the cards.

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ Beneath the pale moonlight ♪ Uh... I... Uh...

♪ Someone's thinking of me ♪

♪ And loving me tonight ♪

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ Someone's saying a prayer ♪ They are wonderful.

We all love brownies. They're delicious.

If you love brownies, you love life.

♪ And even though I know ♪

♪ How very far apart we are ♪ Orgasmically delicious.

♪ Wishing on The same bright star ♪

♪ And when the night wind ♪

♪ Starts to sing A lonesome lullaby ♪

♪ It helps to think We're sleeping ♪

♪ Underneath the same big sky ♪

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ If love can see us through ♪ Here's Brownie!

♪ Then we'll be together ♪

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ Out where dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

God, he's on my leg!

He's on my leg! Aah!

Disgusting.

Thank you.

What's Chang doing?

He's getting a refill on his void.

I got an A on my presentation and a lot of the credit goes to Pierce.

And I had a great sandwich.

We found the stupid rat.

Abed's gonna shut up about it. It's true.

I have something to say.

I've been a horrible husband.

And I've been a horrible teacher.

I'd like to thank my student, Jeff Winger, for showing me that and helping me fix my marriage.

No more 20-page essays due on Monday.

Oh, that's nice. Thank you.

Although, Winger, you should write a one-page essay called:

"Taking Advantage of the Emotionally Vulnerable."

Boo-yah.

You did that for us?

Mm. Kind of.

You know, I thought hanging out with you guys was the worst way to pass Spanish.

I was wrong. Well, we're the best.

Jeff, I'm sorry I called you a handsome hobo.

If you need help with that essay, you can rejoin the group.

Thanks.

What are you guys talking to me for?

You go dance.

I know your secret. I know about the chair.

Whoa. What model did you get?

It's the Tsunami 3000 Anniversary Edition. You?

The Devil's Drench XJ11. This is gonna be awesome.

We should establish base camps.

What part of library do you want?

North east is closest to drinking fountain, which...

All right, guys, are we gonna do this thing?

Oh, ha-ha! Pierce, I hope that's the tiny gun that you throw at us to confuse us while you grab the giant gun taped to your back.

Seriously, this hardly seems like a fair fight. Aah!

Aah! Oh, it's pepper water! Oh, it's pep...

Who puts pepper in water?