Community S1E13 Script

Investigative Journalism (2010)

Welcome back!

Hi! Hello! Hi.

What did you do over break?

Oh, it's so awesome.

Me and Abed played this video game.

It is so dope. It's a whole city.

Drive anywhere. Rent an apartment.

You could do taxes. Don't get audited.

You could even enroll in community college.

Right now, it sounds as boring as real life, but it is not.

Vacations are wasted on the young.

You guys gotta get out there and see the world at some point or you're gonna miss your entire lives.

Where did you go, Britta? Amsterdam, I think.

I'll know more when I find my camera.

Guess what happened to me.

Oh, Pierce, you became a grandfather?

No, I became even cooler.

These ironic T-shirts are all the rage.

Let's get one thing straight.

I wish I was still a lawyer, I'm only here because I'm hot for Britta, and I don't want to be anybody's friend.

Just kidding.

Bring it in here, you knuckleheads.

You know, I gotta say, I... I took a look back at the guy I was last semester, and I realized, that guy was a drag.

No. Good to hear you admit it.

No, the truth is, this is a new semester, a new Jeff.

Greendale is where I am and I am gonna make the best of it.

Oh, that's nice. You're like Hawkeye on M*A*S*H.

He kept his upbeat humor and charm, even in the 11th year of the Korean War.

Yeah. Well, don't go changing too much, Jeff.

I think we all like you just the way you were.

Well, I appreciate that, but...

Did you just teleport here?

No, I snuck in during the group hug.

You guys don't remember me?

Buddy, from Spanish class.

Yeah, it's Buddy from Spanish class.

I've never seen you before in my life.

I've seen Buddy before.

Sits in the corner, next to the dead plant.

Thank you, Abed.

Sometimes, I have a tendency to melt into the background.

It's just my body type, but I definitely know you guys.

From watching you all last semester grow together.

F. F minus.

Did you say S? He said F.

Who cheated? I did it.

Britta cheated?

But why?

Give me back my bra, Annie.

I'm not even wearing a bra.

I don't even care who wins.

What?

I sleep a lot in class, that one might have been a dream.

Well, Buddy, as you know, we haven't had Spanish class yet, so this meeting was more just for catching up between friends.

I heard that. Let's do it.

Well, maybe... So I...

Heh. Sorry, Britta. I'll go first. Uh...

I'm sure you guys have a natural rapport and timing, and you know you're scared that adding a new member might throw everything off of its natural...

♪ I can't count The reasons I should stay ♪

Rhythm, but I feel like I know you guys already.

So you know, let me in, just tell me the rules, and I will follow.

Well, you already broke the only rule I have.

The rule about worrying about rules.

That's what I'm saying too.

Yeah!

♪ Spanish studying is better ♪

♪ When you're Buddy-ing Around ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Hey, Jeff. Hey.

Excuse me. Um...

I received a text message about free Sephora samples?

Ha-ha. It was me.

Sorry about the ruse, but I have something better than exfoliating soap to rub on you.

An opportunity. Mm.

As you can see, I am resurrecting the Greendale Gazette Journal Mirror.

And we need a student editor.

Someone with a real world savvy that extends beyond how to huff the ink.

Actually, Dean, I'm resolved to spend this semester being more...

This would be your office.

Relaxed and awesome.

This is the first desk I've seen in six months that doesn't have "Zeppelin Rules" carved in it.

And you get an English credit.

Well, that ain't bad neither.

I'm in. Yeah.

Guys, meet your new editor!

Mr. Winger is very excited to help you bring a voice back to the campus.

Jeff, I need to take your picture.

Good, we got it. Okay.

You guys knock yourselves out.

Welcome aboard, Jeff. This is my article on the school's new water heater.

You've got chops, kid.

But we need your talent on a bigger story.

Pizza wars. Who's got the best slice in town?

Start with Big Nick's. Bring us a large with sausage.

You. I heard a rumor that Riley's Liquor is selling to underage students.

So I need an undercover exposé.

Find out how much they'll sell you of anything cold and imported.

You expect me to watch you do that without telling on you?

That's a hard-hitting question, Annie.

Are you a reporter?

No. They've got me editing the crossword because I'm a girl.

And because I love crosswords.

Well, now you love the streets.

You're my ace newshound.

Ace? You can do that?

We can do anything we want.

It's Greendale.

Now, go find me that story.

This character reboot is really gelling for you, Jeff.

That was all classic Hawkeye.

Sending soldiers out for liquor.

Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny of Annie "Hot Lips" Edison. Mm?

I should build you a still for making Hawkeye martinis.

Of all your pop cultural fixations, this is one I can work with, Abed.

Call me Radar? When you've earned it.

Now, I know the news of Señor Chang's death over winter break was a shock to us all.

But we should take comfort in the fact that he did not suffer when his moped hit the side of that Arby's.

So sad.

But best semester ever.

Beat it. All right.

That was a professional actress.

I am a man who can never die, and this has been your first taste of Spanish 1-0-dos, the semester I get inside your cabezas.

♪ I am Señor Chang ♪

♪ And I'm so ill ♪

♪ This is a warning I can't be killed ♪

♪ All in your cabeza Without a chaser ♪

♪ Not another teacher ♪

♪ With this much flavor Chang ♪ Saw that coming.

Hey, guys. See you in study group.

Hoo-aah!

Ah!

Uh, Jeff, can he really just decide he's one of us?

He throws off our balance.

We've got three chicks, three dudes, and now two weirdoes.

Sorry, Abed. Not all weirdoes are bad.

Buddy might be a puckish agent of change that changes our lives for the better through musical montage.

Or he could have a row of jars waiting for our genitals. Yo, I need my genitals.

You know who you guys sound like?

Me, from last semester.

Cynical. Elitist. Oh.

Rakishly good-looking. Thank you.

Well, we should at least get together to talk about membership policies, right?

Hey, don't ask me.

Dealing with problems ain't my job no more.

My new job is hanging out, having fun and cracking wise.

Oh, must be nice. Suppose, I decide that's my job?

Jeff.

I hope you've got an army of raisins, because I've got a major scoop.

In October, there was a free Toni Braxton concert on the quad... You don't need to remind me.

When a last-minute mix-up shifted the showtime by an hour, an anonymous text message went out alerting students of the change.

Okay. Not okay.

Because the text message was sent exclusively to black students.

And one French kid named Lebron.

That's profiling.

This is front page juice.

I gotta find out who sent the text.

Have you called the number that sent it?

Well, nobody's that stupid, right?

Hello?

Um...

Wrong number.

No, no. That was a good cover.

So whoever it is keeps hanging up, but he can't hide forever.

Annie the reporter. Good times.

Listen up, I just want to say, thank you guys real much...

Real much? Duh.

Thank you guys very much for this.

It's a dream come true.

Aww. Oh.

Now, let's study some Spanish.

So for the essay, we conjugate...

Conjugate? Conjugal. Visit.

Lame. Okay, stick and move, stick and move.

Okay, so for the essay portion...

♪ Annie got an essay portion ♪

♪ Annie gonna move ♪

♪ Her luscious fanny All day long ♪ Hey, Buddy can sing, you guys.

Well, that's great.

Annie's pretty young, we try not to sexualize her.

I'm sorry. Whoa!

Okay, look, I did... You know what?

It's your study group, and I don't know if you perceive it as something that could be improved but I do have some ideas.

Here's one right here. Boom.

I was thinking, as a group, we could start saying, "You go, girl."

Not in a way that's, you know, oh, I'm so cool saying, "You go, girl."

But in a way that we're kind of winking at it.

Bottom line, you guys need a chubby, agile guy.

Did anyone see Paul Blart: Marl Car...

Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

I'm like that, okay?

I'm fat and I'm physical, okay?

And I'm strong, hmm, and I can kick.

Ow!

Dude, sorry.

Jeff, Jeff? No, no, it's fine.

Just a little nosebleed, I get them when it's dry, or when my face gets kicked.

I'll get some paper towels. Goodness.

Did someone say something about a meeting to discuss member policy?

Well, I think, it's obvious to everyone, that this Buddy fellow has a few Fruit Loops loose so I think, no matter what we do, we gotta do it with grace and caution.

I say, we keep Buddy in the group. What?

I've given it a lot of thought and, frankly, I like his in-your-face style.

I can't stop thinking about his high kick.

His ratio of girth to hip flexibility is mesmerizing.

I like his idea of ironically saying, "You go, girl."

You go, girl. You go, girl.

Wait, so you kick high enough and you get in the group?

If we're gonna add people, I think we should consider my friend Gary.

I'm sorry, Shirley, you friend Gary is so boring.

He was raised in Finland, he doesn't get our humor.

So if we're gonna add a chair for every bong-ripping, good-time charlie, with a song in his heart, I move we institute hazing.

Well, in The Right Stuff, the novel by Tom Wolfe...

This is why we need new blood.

I'm so bored of your pop culture references, and your cigarette-legged jeans.

Gary wears loose-fitting jeans.

Gary is off the table. He is a buzzkill.

He grew up in a land without sun.

Take a vote. They'd probably vote him in.

They won't.

Guys. Guys, let's take a vote.

Secret vote, everybody cover your eyes.

We won't know the result. Say your vote out loud.

We'll know each other's voices.

Troy's got a point.

Holy crap. Wow.

It says here, some guy in Seattle went nuts and killed his entire driver's ed class with a meat tenderizer. Oh, no.

We have to be careful.

Okay.

On the count of three, everybody who wants to keep Buddy out, raise your hand.

You lied about the guy in Seattle with the meat tenderizer.

You put your thumb on the scale.

You did it with a smile and you did it so you could keep smiling.

You're Hawkeye.

And with Buddy gone, staying that way will be a lot easier.

I am not racist.

I had 20 minutes to let people know Toni Braxton was starting early and 273 text messages left before my rate tripled.

Racial profiling may not be right, but it can be economical.

Tell me, dean, when I refer to you in my article, would you prefer imbecile or incompetent?

I'd prefer incompetent, but what I really want...

It doesn't matter what you want.

The people want the truth, I have to give it to them, and I won't let anyone stand in my way.

Excuse me.

Thank you. Jeffrey.

I'm the least racist person in the world.

My best friend, when I was 6 years old, was a black man. Okay, look.

I've learned my lesson. I've got unlimited texting now.

But if she runs that story, I will lose this job, and this job is my life.

She listens to you.

Well, next time we're both hanging out, having fun, I could try cracking wise about it with her.

You do what you think is right.

That's enough. Okay.

I'm just saying, it's not exactly Watergate.

I mean, you like the dean, he's trying to help you transfer.

Yeah, and this time, he might succeed.

If this article breaks out, I can apply for journalism scholarships.

Nobody will care about my time in rehab if they think I'm a writer.

Annie, as your upbeat friend, I gotta say, let this go.

This is Greendale, Jeff, we can do whatever we want.

♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so damn sorry ♪

♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry ♪

♪ Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ♪

♪ I'm so, I'm sorry I'm so so sorry ♪ Didn't anyone tell Buddy he was out?

I guess we thought you would.

My lord, my lady, you missed my apology song.

Yeah, I'll... I'll tell them about it later.

Jeff, I am so sorry about the other day.

Buddy, yesterday, the group took a vote.

And you seem to have figured out the rest of it.

Was it the high kick?

Was it, "You go, girl?"

Oh, you guys think you're so cool.

No, we don't think we're cool at all.

Just a bit.

I put myself out there for you!

I laid my soul bare.

I made you guys lemon squares with free-range eggs that I baked with my own hands.

Maybe a little less sugar next time.

Well, I'm not leaving.

Oh, come on.

Be relaxed, like me.

Leave. You're not relaxed.

You're an uptight puppet master.

And these are your little puppets.

Buddy, just be reasonable and go.

Make me, Hitler.

Okay, so, uh, since Buddy's not leaving, he'll just be the person who we wish wasn't here while we study.

Try getting that deal from Hitler.

Shall we?

I'm studying with you. No, you're not.

Everyone stop studying. Okay.

You're not in the group.

Okay, then go study somewhere else.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, no.

No! I wanna study with you guys. No!

No!

No!

I hate you!

I hate your study group! I hate it!

You suck!

I hate you!

And you are not running that story.

Why not? Because I said so.

Does anybody have a problem with how that was handled?

Exactly the way I would've done it.

You suck!

Who are you kidding, Abed?

I just dragged a screaming, crying man out of a library with his pants down.

No. Martinis are for Hawkeyes.

I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.

Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?

The one with, uh, the Army.

That's what I thought.

If you had actually seen the show you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis.

He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in.

If he didn't, people died.

He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Yeah? What's in it for me?

Hey. Annie.

I... I'm sorry that I yelled.

I'm glad you did.

It didn't even really occur to me what I was doing until I saw how upset you were.

I never want to be the reason you're mad, because you're Jeff Winger.

So thanks for getting mad.

It was nothing.

I guess that's the upside, isn't it?

Thank you, Radar.

Ooh. You made me so happy I just peed a little.

I don't think violence is the answer when we make decisions.

Hi, guys. Hi, Buddy.

Can you, um...?

Excuse us?

For one crazy stalker?

Listen up, we outnumber this guy, six to one.

Annie, you flash your breasts as a decoy for the bum-rush.

Pierce? Britta, don't be upset.

I didn't pick you as a decoy because your breasts are so old.

Why is he even here? Hello.

I invited him.

Buddy's crime is thinking we're cool.

But I get it.

If I were him, and I missed out on you guys, I'd be sitting in that classroom, watching, wondering.

So how can I exclude someone from something that I'm so lucky to have?

Oh.

I say we let him in.

Hey, Buddy.

Welcome to the group.

Oh, yes!

You will not regret this.

There he is.

Hey, Buddy. Hmm?

The group thought about what you said.

We took a vote. And you're in.

Oh! No way. I'm in the cool group?

It's like Christmas morning for the guy.

Welcome.

This is...

Oh, this is awkward.

You guys were my safety. Pfft.

Hey, hey, Buddy, you don't have to worry about them.

You're with us now. Come on.

Ha-ha! Boo!

Go! I love the kick!

It's amazing. The kicks are the best.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I voted to keep him.

It would have been nice to have another person in the group. I'll call Gary.

So it says here you want to join as a twosome?

I don't see that as a selling point.

We work really well together.

Let me hear that rap thing of yours again.

I'm gonna talk it over with the others.

Cool. Thanks for your time.

You traitors! I am appalled at your lack of loyalty.

Yeah, you better run.

Have you decided? We saw your tape.

We're passing. I don't pop on video.

Let me do the song in person.

♪ Getting rid of Britta ♪

♪ Getting rid of the B ♪

♪ She's a GDB ♪

♪ She's a no-good B ♪