Community S1E17 Script

Physical Education (2010)

Good morning, everybody. Hi, Jeff.

I brought bagels. Oh, I'd love a bagel.

The perfect beginning for my first day of billiards class. Oh.

Did you pick a special outfit so you could look sexy shooting pool?

Shirley, I have no idea what you are talking about.

Ooh. Oh!

Thirteen. Oh, great, so much for baggies.

So much for what? The baggies.

You dropped them on the floor.

Uh, they're called "bagels."

Uh, I lived in New York, Troy. I know what a baggie is.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What? You say "bagel" wrong.

I say it the same as you. Say it again.

Baggie.

Can we just keep studying?

We're on page 258.

What "padge" was that? Two-five-tee-eight.

Whoa. Check this out. Uh-oh.

Oh, it's a drawing of Abed with hearts all around it.

Strictly speaking, Troy, the Bible condemns this level of friendship.

I didn't draw that. I bought that book used.

It must have been whoever had it last.

Obviously, it's a girl who has a crush on Abed.

This is so romantic. It's just like The Notebook, except instead of Alzheimer's, Abed has...

Ahem. Mm-hm. ...someone who likes him.

Well, whoever she is, she's fat.

These thick pencil lines were drawn with a heavy hand.

We gotta find this person for Abed.

Unless it's a boy, then we find him for Jesus.

But either way, this is going to be fun.

Cute little face. Gotta find that girl.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

Adios. Adios.

Adios. Adios.

Adios. Adios.

Guys, class is over.

I'm trying to get you to leave.

Oh.

Pick that up. Señor Chang?

We're trying to figure out whose Spanish book this was before Troy's.

Jenny Adams. Oh.

Oh, come on. If all Chinese were psychic you would have started using birth control centuries ago.

Her name's in the front of the book, morons.

Yay. He's right.

Them I understand.

But how did you not think of that?

I may have been thrown off by Britta's pronunciation of the word "bagel."

How do you pronounce bagel? I don't.

Come on Baggie.

Ugh, you're the worst.

So we have a name.

Jenny Adams. Cool.

See, it's a fat girl's name. Might as well be Gravy Jones.

Pierce, it doesn't matter what she looks like.

This will be great for Abed. It will?

Aren't you excited about talking to her?

I wasn't planning on it. What?

Guys, come on, you heard Abed. He's not interested. Drop it.

Jeff, you need to mind your own business.

Abed, you need to get with this girl, immediately.

Yeah? Abed, for guys like you, this kind of opportunity only comes around once in a...

While.

It's important to date in college, Abed.

It's a time of freedom and exploration.

A time when a simple pillow fight between two innocent girls could turn to a steamy night of unbridled lust.

Britta knows all about it. Okay. Cool.

You guys are gonna Can't Buy Me Love me?

We're gonna what you? Gonna Can't Buy Me Love me.

Transform me from zero to hero, geek to chic.

Oh, he wants us to Love Don't Cost a Thing him.

Oh.

Can't Buy Me Love was the remake for white audiences.

That's so uncomfortable when they do that.

I can't believe it doesn't insult them.

All right, nobody here is Can't Buy Me Love-ing or Love Don't Cost a Thing-ing anyone.

Because we've all seen enough after-school specials and Fat Albert to know... Oh.

...that Abed only needs to be himself.

Sure glad there are no old people here.

This conversation would probably be total gibberish to them.

Jeff's unprecedentedly right about this.

Abed, when we find this girl, you're gonna approach her just the way you are because that's good enough.

Yeah, then you can take her to a nice deli and treat her to a baggie.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, nice shooting. Good clean strokes.

Thanks. Form a line, please.

My name is Coach Bogner.

Welcome to the Art of Pool, which is a Phys Ed class.

Which means that you all have to wear the proper equipment at all times.

So suit up. See you back on the felt in five.

You're gonna look like an ass in those.

Shut up, Leonard.

I talked to your son on Family Day.

I know all about your gambling.

Touché.

All right, everybody just hang out and be casual.

My sources tell me that Jenny Adams is the blond who's reading right over there.

Whoa! That's her?

She's pretty.

Which is not a surprise at all, Abed.

Okay, Abed, we're gonna be here for moral support.

Just go over there and do your thing.

Okay. Remember, be yourself.

Got it. Cool. Great.

Abed. Yeah?

What are you doing? I'm being myself.

Go be yourself by Jenny.

I wouldn't go over there. How do you know that?

A lifetime of observation mostly.

You think there's a version of yourself that might go over there? Absolutely.

Could you be him? Okay.

Oh, oh!

What the hell was that?

A different version of me.

I think it was a vampire.

If this is gonna turn ugly, I can't be here.

I'm a two-striker.

No, Pierce, please, hang on.

Abed, will you excuse us, please?

Yeah.

Look, I know that we're all good people.

And we believe that people should be themselves.

But if Abed is himself, he's gonna die alone.

And if we let him be someone else...

Be right back.

I'm out of here.

Mm-mm. Not gonna happen, buddy.

Oh, my God, there's a midget on stilts.


You're not in uniform. Yeah, about that.

We seriously have to wear shorts to play pool?

If you play in this class. It's regulation.

Regulation pool or regulation you?

Do you have something against playing pool with a full range of motion and optimal comfort?

I'm comfortable in my clothes. I bet you are.

I'm sorry? I said I bet you're comfortable dressed like a model instead of an athlete, sipping martinis, smoking, instead of keeping your game on the table.

Hey, man, you're implying I'm some sort of pool poser because I don't wanna wear a bathing suit.

You're the weird one.

That's weird, not me.

Nobody plays pool like that.

Yeah, what do you call this?

I call that your personal business, okay?

And I call this class the desecration of America's coolest sport.

Yeah. I... See, right there. "Coolest sport."

Okay, I want everybody to know what's going on here.

This hipster is dropping this class because he cares more about what he looks like than how he's playing.

Oh, please.

You're the one with the rules about clothes.

And, by the way, I could kick your ass all over that table.

Oh, is that a challenge?

Huh? Because if you play me in pool, you play me in shorts.

And if you can't do that, my point's already made.

I don't have anything to prove to you or...

Look, you're stupid. This is stupid.

Pool in shorts is stupid.

Vanity, thy name is... his name.

Bye.

It's first day, I didn't catch it.

Okay, Abed, we know that you wouldn't approach a girl.

But if you don't learn how, you won't get Jenny.

And you got two days. Then I'm going after her.

Pierce. What, I'm incentivizing him.

Also, if she's into Abed, let's face it, anybody could hit that.

I need to change who I am to someone more likeable.

No, sweetie, it's not about changing.

It's about learning.

Learning to change? No, it's...

Good grief, clear the chickens off the runway.

I'll be the bad guy.

Yes, Abed, you need to be someone else.

Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend.

Because I can't think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his 30s.

One way or the other, that story ends with explosion.

Let's try a practice run.

Annie, you sit here, and be a girl.

Abed, you take a run at her. Let's see what you got.

Okay.

Hmm.

What are you reading?

Pride and Prejudice.

So you're familiar with two sins.

How about a third?

Oh.

I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.

Then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?

Abed, what are you doing?

Don Draper from Mad Men. What'd you think?

Weird. Awesome.

Put your tongue in her ear. I liked it.

Don't be him. He cheats on his wife.

Be somebody nice like Mike Brady.

He always had that housekeeper throwing herself at him.

He never made a move on her.

Don't be Mike Brady. He's not sexy.

You should be like Jo from Facts of Life.

But you know, the dude version. I knew it.

You should be like Calvin.

His best friend was a tiger, he went on dope adventures.

Anything stood in his way, he just peed on it.

Calvin Coolidge?

Don Draper was clearly the sexiest...

And the worst thing about it, is like that Calvin...

What are you guys doing?

They're teaching me how to be someone else.

Oh, for God's sake. What did I tell you guys?

Oh, for God's sakes, do whatever you want.

Leave each other alone.

Whoa, that's a good Jeff. How'd you do that?

Ten percent Dick Van Dyke, 20 percent Sam Malone, 40 percent Zach Braff in Scrubs, and 30 percent Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

Zach Braff? Sorry.

Abed, what if you just did Jeff for Jenny?

Uh... And your point is?

Look, I don't want any part of this.

And I can't believe that you're still doing it after I already explained the obvious lesson smacking you in the face.

Why aren't you in billiards class?

Because I don't look cool in shorts!

Oh! whoa! Okay.

Because I'm not cool in shorts!

Now, that's good. That was really good.

I don't wanna spoil the ending but, uh, pride ends up with prejudice.

That's funny. I know.

Stick with me, you get a laugh. That's the Abed guarantee.

I feel like I've seen you before.

It's working. I know.

I get that a lot from art students.

I'm told I have a face made for sketching.

I'd rather think it was made for kissing.

How about for punching? Huh?

What are you doing hitting on my girlfriend, ugly?

This is awkward. Oh, my God.

It's a white Abed.

I know. It... It's like Abed but employable.

Huh, boss? Let's go, Slumdog. Oh.

One last Lost and Found announcement.

Jeff Winger, I've been informed by Coach Bogner that you left your panties in his pool class so better pick those up.

When is he gonna stop doing that?

Do you know that he called me a hipster?

Hipster. Do hipsters walk around wearing $300 jeans from Italy?

Can we please talk about Abed?

Thanks to us, he's heart's been broken.

Well, I hate to say that I told you so, so I'll shout it through cupped hands.

I told you so! We were only trying to help.

Oh, come on, who are we kidding? Jeff's right.

Abed was happy being Abed till we had to sully his mind with thoughts of love and romance and vaginas.

Those are the big three. That's what they call them.

Poor Abed. He was probably too sad to get out of bed.

Hi. Abed.

About yesterday... Oh, yeah.

You guys must be pretty upset. Why would we be upset?

I know how important it was for you that I get a girlfriend.

So when Jenny went off with white Abed, it must have really hurt. Ah. It did.

White Abed? Jenny's boyfriend is a white guy that's almost identical to Abed.

It's Joey, that's why the sketch was in Troy's book.

So does that make Abed brown Joey?

If you wanna get racist about it.

You know we just want you to be happy, right?

Everybody wants me to be happy.

Everybody wants to help me.

But when they can't, they get frustrated and stop talking to me.

Or trick me into buying them ice cream then, shove me into a clothes dryer.

Which I didn't wanna happen with you guys, so I wanted to make sure you felt like you could help me.

The truth is, lots of girls like me because I'm pretty adorable. Mm-hm.

And my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers.

I'm more used to them approaching me.

So we didn't damage your self-esteem?

Britta, I got self-esteem falling out of my butt.

That's why I was willing to change for you, because when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Abed, you're a god.

If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Nice. Is that code for going number one or number two?

Abed, you've inspired me too.

People can mock me all they want.

I don't care how I say the word "baggie."

"Baggie." She said the word "baggie."

Hey, nice cross corner, Leonard. Totally.

I'd like to see Jeff Winger try that shot without the benefit of his stylish clothing.

Oh, would you?

Jeff Winger.

Shouldn't you be at an Urban Outfitters?

I'll go there later if I feel like it.

But first, I have to hand someone their tightly polyester-swaddled ass in a game of pool.

Ooh.

Oh, burn.

You wanna talk about clothes like a girl?

Or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned table like a man?

Balls, like a man. Oh!

Rack them.

I'll break.

Why? Because it looks cool?

I don't know.

You tell me.

Yeah.

♪ I saw a werewolf ♪

♪ With a Chinese menu In his hand ♪

♪ Walking through the streets Of Soho in the rain ♪

♪ He was looking for a place Called Lee Ho Fook's ♪ Get out of the way.

♪ Gonna get a big dish Of beef chow mein ♪

Shh-shh, boom.

Let me just clean this side of the table off here.

Oh, okay. There you go. See that? There you go, yeah.

Yeah. What do you think of that? You haven't learned anything.

Except how to look cool playing pool in shorts.

You're wrong, man.

I'm just having a good time because I love playing pool.

Liar.

You think you look cool.

Yeah?

Well, how cool is this?

Stop projecting your obsession with clothes onto me as an excuse for when I beat you in a game of real pool.

Oh, you wanna play real pool, huh?

Oh!

I'll play real pool.

Now who doesn't care how they look?

Me.

Shouldn't you be stopping this? Soon. Soon.

Just gathering evidence.

Three-to-one against Winger. Who's on?

Oh! Oh!

Yeah!

♪ Who ran amuck in Kent ♪

♪ Lately he's been overheard In Mayfair ♪ Oh.

You know what, Jeff?

One of us is about to win this game.

But years from now, when the story is retold, all they're gonna remember is one of us loved clothes and the other loved the game.

Ooh.


Oh. Ooh.

Oh!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah.

You look at me. Look at me.

You beat me.

From now on, you play pool dressed however you choose.

I choose shorts.

I choose shorts.

Shorts.

You son of a bitch.

You magnificent son of a bitch.

Oh!

Jeff.

That was awesome. Let me get in here. Oh!

Okay, you're sweaty. All right, all right.

Nice game. Thanks.

Look, I... I hope this doesn't sound too forward.

But, um, could you introduce me to your friend?

You know what? I... I know that guy's M.O., and I think it's better if you introduce yourself.

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Courtney. Abed.

Man, why couldn't I be brown Joey?

Tsk.

Hey, Abed. Hey Troy.

Here's the book I borrowed. Thank you.

Did you finally get your own book?

Something like that.

Wait a second.

It's okay. Let's have cookies.

Okay.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

My cousin's funeral was today. Oh, was that was today?

I knew there was some reason I couldn't do this today.

Poor Demitri.