Community S1E18 Script

Basic Genealogy (2010)

Hey. Haven't seen you all day.

I've been really busy.

I had to find 30 extra chairs for my classroom since it's Family Day. Oh. Speaking of, I was gonna invite mom so you could meet her but, uh, she still thinks I'm a lawyer.

Look. The Human Being has little human with it.

How bloodcurdlingly adorable.

Jeff, we need to talk.

What's wrong? You breaking up with me?

Oh, maybe we don't need to talk.

I'm so excited for everybody to meet my sons.

Hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out.

They know what the other is... Thinking?

And finishing each other's... Pie.

It's creepy. It's going to be nice spending time with them.

I don't get to see them much since I started school.

My sister likes to joke they don't recognize me anymore, and I like to joke she's jealous because she's barren.

Hmm.

My dad's bringing my cousin Abra from Gaza.

Does she look like you, in a wig and lipstick?

No, that's Halle Berry.

She wears a full burka in public so she looks someone covered head to toe in black fabric.

I can't believe my grandma's rolling her bones down here.

I gotta pick a cabinet to hide in.

You hide from her? Yeah, she's crazy.

Troy. Society programs us to dispose of the elderly because they don't work or buy things, don't be blind to your grandmother's value.

You need to cherish her. You cherish her.

I'm sure I will.

She's not gonna be around forever.

I wanna believe you're right, but you never quite are, are you?

Sorry I'm late. Was somebody canoodling with a certain professor?

Actually, no. She dumped me.

Oh, no, that's so sad.

I'll give Jeff a shoulder to cry on.

You boys put a dead bird in that bitch's glove compartment.

Got it. Guys, guys, sit.

Shirley, I don't need to cry. I'm fine.

Jeff, we're your friends. Let it all out.

There's nothing to let out.

I'm glad I didn't have to do the dumping.

Then I'd have to lay low for three weeks to look sensitive.

To avoid questions of overlap, but as the dumpee, I can start making out with every girl on campus now and all anyone will feel for me is sorry.

Ew. Not anymore.

Your heart's desensitized.

You're like a machine. It feels no love, just sex.

You're like the Booty-nator.

You know, Booty-nator? "I'll be back," but with booty.

Why would Booty-nator be back with booty?

Wouldn't he just try and kill it?

Maybe he kills it, and brings back as a trophy.

Why would he want dead booty? I want Pirate's Booty.

Because you're hungry?

Guys. I'll be back, but with booty.

Ooh. Yeah.

That's beneath you. Gross.

Well, you're too gorgeous to be a teacher and you're too happy to be a student.

Take me to where your car broke down.

I'm here for Family Day. I'm looking for my family.

At the very least, I could fill in for a creepy uncle.

Jeff. Amber.

There she is.

Look at you, all grown up.

Jeff, this is my stepdaughter, Amber.

Small world.

No, actually, it's a very big world with 5 billion other women in it.

Good luck.

Come on, I'll show you around.

I'm back. Without booty.

Now I feel sorry for you.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

Hands in the air. Homeland Security.

Boys, leave that man alone.

Orange alert. Orange alert.

Sorry. They're just excited.

You're, uh, Abed's father? I'm Shirley.

And that's Elijah like the prophet and Jordan like the 14-time NBA All-Star.

Gubi Nadir. Is it how you say hello?

That's my name.

Oh! I'm sorry, you...

You're like a black ghost.

This is my cousin, Abra.

Greetings.

Over the course of seven marriages, I amassed some 32 stepchildren and Amber's my favorite.

Yeah, there was something about his mass e-mails that made me certain this would be a family reunion.

It sure is, sweetie.

She's going to photography school.

Oh, sounds interesting. Keep it in your pants.

You're embarrassing yourself. She may be hot, but she's my princess.

Stepprincess.

Okay. Family Day.

Let's see what we got here.

Wow. I can't believe Star-Burns isn't a virgin.

But judging from that Bluetooth headset, his son is. Ch-chang!

Winger.

Too cool for family?

Everyone here is my family.

Weak!

Where's your family, El Tigre? Ugh!

My older brother will be at the barbecue.

And it's none of your business, but I ate my twin in utero.

Oh. Hey, Phantom Menace.

How's the trade embargo with the Naboo?

Anyway, oh, looks like Pierce broke the piggy bank at the escort service this time.

Hey, duck sauce. That was rude.

The call girls I frequent are not as attractive as my daughter.

Stepdaughter.

Technically, ex-stepdaughter.

Your mother April... Wanda, her name's...

Was it Wanda? Yes. Yes.

I need one sec. Excuse me.

Uh, Jeff, Jeff. Uh...

Cards on the table, Jeff.

Amber's the best shot I'll ever have at something like real daughter and I'm striking out.

Have you told her she's prettier than a hooker?

If you come to the barbecue...

I know you'd never think of touching her.

Maybe you could say a couple cool things about me.

You want me to wingman you with your ex-stepdaughter?

I'm sorry. I got a thing.

You have a thing?

Yeah, and it's on the rebound.

I'm not subjecting it to a night with a girl that I can't have.

You can't holster it for a friend?

Please, Pierce is barely a friend.

He's no more related to Amber than you are, and was a total jag about shutting me down.

How much effort do I rate? For you?

Um, I'd break a light sweat.

Good, I need a favor.

Help Pierce with his stepdaughter?

You're becoming dangerous, Annie.

It's those doe eyes.

Disappointing you is like choking Little Mermaid with a bike chain.

Is this Nana Barnes?

Troy didn't mention you were such a knockout.

What's that supposed to mean? Oh. Come on.

I'm sure you've broken a few hearts in your time.

Oh. Tell me.

How many men do you think I've laid with?

Who are you? I am Britta.

And I have offended you and I am sorry.

Is there anything I can get you?

Yes.

You can get me a switch. A what now?

She's not family, Nana. You can't make her get you a switch.

She can make me get it. I just have to know what it is.

A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with.

Cherish, Britta. Cherish.

Well, it was wonderful meeting your brother.

Adios, Señor Chang, shalom, Rabbi Chang, and to both of you, sayonara.

Don't go.

Señor Chang?

Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?

Okay, that is who I am. So drop it.

Dropping. I'm dropping.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amber alert. You are allergic to peanuts.

That might be a different stepkid.

My flight actually leaves so...

Your flight actually leaves after I tell you a story called:

Pierce Takes On the School Bully.

Are you a ninja?

Oh, baby. Don't be rude.

She's wearing a burka.

It's a way for women to express their modesty.

Like Islamic turtlenecks.

Ask her if she wants to play with us.

...bouncy house.

Sounds heated. Did she call him pig's anus or something?

She's saying she's old enough to jump in a giant balloon.

She's saying he's overprotective.

Now she says he's a pig anus.

That made me crave a hot dog.

Stay put, boys. I'll be right back.

Look at them.

You are a bad mother.

Control your children.

I have to go back to my car and get my emergency shirt.

And I don't even like that shirt!

Not only did he join a band, they got jealous and booted him.

Get out. That's exactly what they said.

Off to the bathroom, Stepdad.

I've never been called Stepdad. I don't think anyone has.

Listen, when she gets back, come up with some reason why you have to leave, okay?

I'll beg you to stay, but you don't.

Why don't you just leave now. Cut our work in half.

Good luck, buddy.

You're leaving? My girlfriend is pregnant.

Pierce said you were gay. He...

Yup. As the sunrise. And I'm deeply ashamed.

I'm just glad I have friends like Pierce to keep me...

Honest.

This is slightly wrong.

Too much tongue? Just enough.

But it... It's Pierce.

You mean the guy who decided he doesn't want men touching his ex-stepdaughter, but divorced my Mom for our housekeeper?

Could be the same guy, yeah.

Amber?

Amber, there you are.

Why are you here, Jeff?

I go to school here, remember?

Ahem. There's a Pictionary tournament in student lounge.

Sounds fun. Is Jeff joining us?

I don't know if he can, can you? I can't.

Oh. Come on, stay. Stay.

I can't. Maybe I shouldn't, either.

Stay, Jeff. You think I should?

I think you have to.

I'll stay. Me too.

Good Family Day.

What are you doing?

Getting Nana a switch.

Stop pretending that my mean old nana is awesome.

I'm not pretending.

I think it's cool that she's got her own style of discipline.

Nana's old school.

My mom told me there'd be white people that did this.

With the pocket watches and coffee grinders, and pretending to be into steamboats.

But let's get this straight.

This is real life.

My Nana is gonna whoop you.

Not unless I find her a switch.

How about this?

Yeah, that's a great switch, Britta.

Very hip. Should hurt a lot.

Where's Elijah and Jordan? Uh, Abed?

Oh, what a surprise that you lost them.

Playing hide-and-seek. Where?

I don't think that's how it works.

Stop screwing around, Abed.

You want to yell at someone? Go find your crazy kids.

My boy is disciplined. It's not his job...

All right, you got me, Gubi. I'm a bad mother.

I let my kids be kids instead of acting like jail warden.

Ah. You don't like her burka? I'm not talking about the burka.

I'm talking about her never having any fun.

Abra, you look me in the eyes and you tell me...

Um...

I'm sorry. I seemed to have forgotten the napkins.

Do... Do you mind? Fine.

Now I'm the napkin man.

Oh! Uh-huh.

Circle.

Circle with a squiggly line.

Uh... Squiggly line circle.

You... You did hear me say circle.

Smiling sideways vagina. No.

Happy sideways vagina. No.

Happy face.

And that's a clam?

As happy as a clam. Yes.

As happy as a clam? What a gay guess. Idiot.

Pierce, you're up.

Eat my dust, Winger.

You do know we're on the same team?

Go.

Uh...

All right, here we go. Uh...

Let's see.

Look, I don't, uh...

Pierce you have to add more. Draw more.

Stop. Stop circling the same thing.

Well, guess something, you girlfriendless geek.

What are you drawing? You're supposed to know, stupid.

Relax.

I'll get this.

I think they'll both drop charges, but we gotta take statements. It's gonna be a while.

And I may just be a simple cop, but people need to know.

This isn't gonna stop until Pictionary bans the word windmill.

Pierce, we'll meet you at the gala.

We're gonna get some coffee. Is coffee code for sex?

Is it?

No.

Nana, here's your switch.

Bring it here.

I'll make do.

Okay. Let me have it.

I ain't no nun. Bend over.

Drop your pants and get over my lap.

All you have to do is walk away.

What are you doing? She's respecting her elders.

See Troy? Did you think I was a hypocrite?

That I wouldn't really... Okay, that really...

Oh! Okay, that really...

I don't understand you, Britta!

I don't understand you at all.

You know what?

Totally wrong room. Will you get the door?

She's had enough!

Oh, she's had enough!

Let's focus on you, the forbidden fruit that is the ex-stepdaughter of a casual acquaintance.

Oh, oops. Don't wanna lose that.

Why do you have a $25,000 check from Pierce?

Tuition for fashion school.

Not photography school?

You caught me.

Uh, maybe I'll just buy a car.

And you can just do that, huh?

Well, it helps that he's kind of desperate and stupid.

Did you wanna be a good person right now or did you wanna be with me?

Oh, there you are. Thanks a lot, Pollyanna.

You made me hang out with Pierce and his stepdaughter.

She's grifting him. She's what?

She's taking a bunch of money from him.

He thinks it's for school, but it's for grifting.

Did you tell him?

It's not that simple. It's not?

Oh, my... Jeff!

Gross. You're gross.

You did it with her? Yeah, but not twice.

I wanted to do it twice.

That's gross.

You met her this morning. You're faster than bacteria.

Are you doing this because Slater hurt you?

What? No, I'm not hurt. Amber threw herself at me.

You still have to tell Pierce she's taking advantage of him, don't you?

Well, when you think about it, nobody's getting hurt.

Pierce is getting a daughter, Amber's getting an allowance, I'm getting...

We already talked about it. Don't forget this is Pierce.

He's a racist, homophobic old goof.

He does bad stuff all the time.

It sounds like you've got it all figured out, so why are you talking to me about it?

Because you're, you know...

A decent person? Maybe.

You knew talking to me about it would make you feel like bad friend.

You wanted to feel like a bad friend because you wanna be a good friend?

You really suck, you know that?

Mm, mm, mm!

Get you and your brother some Ding Dongs and calm down.

What's up?

Did your family take off?

Yeah. Thanks for distracting my dad while we helped Abra get back in her burka.

If a lady wants to go in bouncy house, she should go.

It was a noble thing you did. Oh, I didn't do it.

It was Jordan and Elijah's idea. They're good kids.

If they weren't, they wouldn't help Abra.

I see why you were so excited for me to meet them.

You should be proud of them.

You're a good mom. Oh. Come on.

Hey, Mom. Look what I got.

Ding Dongs are my favorite.

Mm. Ha-ha.

Pretty rough, huh? Mm.

You were right. Nana is a monster.

What did you say?

I said you were a monster, ma'am.

And you said Troy was right.

Get me a switch.

Okay.

Hey, stranger.

Wanna pick up where we left off after I log some time with Daddy Warbucks?

No, Amber. Uh...

I thought about it and what I want is for you to tear up that check and go dance with your stepdad.

Are you trying to get me to cut you in?

You don't have leverage.

If I walk over there and tell him everything, guess who he'll forgive.

You, but I'd rather be the bad guy than watch you siphon him.

How about this?

I walk away and if the check clears, I won't make problems for you. I'll stay gone.

Come back whenever you want, but be good to him when you do because I'll be around.

I'm his friend.

And you can be his stepdaughter, or not.

Yeah.

I'll take the 25 grand.

Over him, I'd take 25 cents.

Bye.

Oh, Jeff.

Have you seen Amber? Yeah.

Listen, Pierce, uh, I gotta tell you something.

She's not coming, is she?

I wrote her a pretty big check this afternoon.

I had a feeling she might take it and run.

You want me to help cancel it?

Oh, hell, she earned it.

You're lucky, Jeff. It's not too late for you.

Have a family. Share your life.

That and understanding computers are two things you just can't knock out at the end.

Pierce, who did you call last week after you farted on Vaughn?

You. And who did Abed call after that squirrel stole his hotdog?

Me. That's sharing your life.

If you have friends, you have family.

Jeffrey.

Come here, son.

Are we hugging or dancing?

You know, if the roles were reversed, I would have had sex with your ex-stepdaughter.

I did.

Chip off the old block.

It was either that or deal with your actual pain.

What pain?

Twelve o'clock.

Oh, are you kidding me? I...

It's okay, it's okay.

Let it out.

We always used to watch the shows she wanted to watch.

I hate Glee.

I'm not crazy about Glee, either.

I hate it.

I don't understand the appeal at all.

Why did we do this again?

We thought it looked fun.

Is your cell phone in your pocket?

Yeah, but I can't reach it. I can only move my right arm.

There's money already in there.

Slide your arm through that slot, press buttons G-14.

When a snack is selected, the lever holding it will be thrust forward, knocking your cell phone out of your pocket and into their receptacle below. Pick it and call for help.

Here we go.

Troy?

I think I hit G-13.