Community S1E20 Script

The Science of Illusion (2010)

Good morning, Greendale.

As you know, it is April Fools' Day.

Just kidding. It's the day before April Fools. See what I did there?

Baba Booey, Baba Booey, Baba Booey You know what, Leonard? Strike two.

Just reminding you to keep any April Fools pranks physically safe, politically balanced and racially accessible.

When in doubt, check the guidelines in our college pranks literature.

Guidelines for school-sanctioned pranks.

Hmm. Reminds me of my favorite college comedy.

Oh, uh, which one?

Exactly.

See, the dean doesn't get it.

The point of a practical joke is to shake up the system.

For example, who wants some of these?

Cool, yeah.

Looking for something? Nice.

Oh. They allow student volunteers for campus security during times of heightened shenanigans.

I wanna be security. Ooh. Let's do it together.

We can be partners.

That's a buddy cop movie I would watch.

But I wonder, which of you would be by the book?

Which of you would be the badass?

Oh, Abed, you're so silly. I would be the badass.

Greetings, mortals.

Morning. Snake in a can?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm fasting.

My Buddhist church is having its annual ascension ceremony, and I will be becoming a level-six laser lotus.

I know. I was speechless too.

Anyway, I have to detoxify for the ceremony.

I get all the nutrients I need with saltwater and honey.

It's better if it goes down the wrong pipe.

So, what happens in level six?

Well, nobody in my hive has ever seen a six.

But, uh, from what I hear, I'll have immunity to germs, a heightened psychic ability and improved night vision.

Any bonuses to your combat score?

I assume I'll fight better if I can see more, dumb-ass.

Hey, Pierce, I just remembered. Right before you got here, some guy was delivering level-six ceremonial robes?

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Maybe if you run you can catch him.

Way to use your brain, Winger.

Abed, how fast can you run to the Theater Department? Thirty-seven seconds.

Don't come back without something ridiculous. Go.

Guys, you realize you're exploiting the naiveté of a man who is being brainwashed by a cult.

Well, it sounds a lot less fun when you say it.

Everything does. She's a buzzkill.

I'm not a buzzkill.

Yeah, that doesn't really describe it.

You're more of a fun-vampire, because you don't suck blood, you just suck.

He wasn't there.

Oh, I think Abed found him.

Hey, give me.

It's amazing. Wow.

It is absolutely gorgeous. How do I look?

May I? Yeah.

Magical. Great.

Of course, the only one who doesn't like this is Britta.

You ever get tired of being a buzzkill?

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ This is gonna be exciting, ladies.

I hereby deputize you as campus security for 48 hours.

Your windbreakers.

Your whistles.

Oh. Oh. Okay. Uh...

Okay. Now I only have the one pepper spray.

It's mine.

But I'll just get my groceries in a better neighborhood this week.

I'll carry it. Oh.

Between the two of us, I'm sort of the badass.

You are? Uh... How do you figure?

I don't know, Shirley. How did you figure I wasn't?

I guess I didn't figure because I was too busy being the obvious badass.

Sounds like we're both pretty convinced.

I guess we'll find out who's right once we're on the job.

Hmm. I guess we will.

I'm sorry, what is going on here?

A twist on a classic formula.

Normally, with buddy cops, one's a straight-laced stickler, the other's a renegade.

But these two have equal claim to both roles.

And why are you here?

Short answer?

My cable went out.

Hey, can I run something by you?

I was thinking of pulling a little prank tonight.

All right. April Fools prank.

So you know how they have live frogs in the anatomy lab?

Oh, yeah. So I was gonna sneak in there, get a frog, and then tomorrow when Señor Chang's class is coming in, there will be a frog on his desk wearing...

Ta-da.

Oh, you're done.

Did you read the hat?

"Señor Chang." Yeah.

Oh, you don't get it.

I guess I don't. The frog is Chang.

Okay, I did get it. It's funny. I know it's funny.

Oh, wait, I forgot. It's not your kind of joke.

It's not at anyone's expense.

Britta, why waste your time envying my gift for levity?

When there's so much you could be doing with your natural talent for severity.

You know what? My prank is gonna cause a sea of laughter, and I'm gonna watch you drown in it.

Thattagirl.

Seven. That's right.

Jeff, I can read minds. No way.

What color am I thinking of?

Pink.

What the hey?

Must be the robe.

Hey, Cookie Crisp.

Cookie Crisp. No.

Is he talking to me? No, no.

Hey, Pierce, that guy came back that brought your robes and said he forgot to deliver this.

What is it? He said it focuses your powers?

Is that a cookie? Oh!

Maybe it's a piece of meteor.

Buddha arrived on a meteor.

When's the last time he ate?

I am the coolest guy in the world.

Hello, Mr. Frog.

Can I just borrow you for a second?

I'm Señor Chang.

Now tell me that's not funny.

Aah! Oh! Oh, no. Wait.

Here, froggy, froggy, froggy.

Here frog, frog, froggy.

Mr. Frog?

Real quiet.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God! Aah!

Call the ambulance!

It's so horrible.

It's a dead body.

And what makes it worse is this was a brand-new sign.

I just don't want this to tarnish our school's reputation.

Your school's reputation is way worse than this.

Here's our campus security.

Just stop right there.

Oh, ladies, don't pull up on the... Okay.

Oh, Annie. Morning, boys.

I'm Annie Edison, but people call me Psycho because I had a nervous breakdown in high school.

My partner is a Christian housewife.

Can we help you? Actually, can we not help you?

I tend to play by my own rules.

She loves rules. I only have one.

Stay out of my way.

Stay out of mine more.

You know what? This is misdemeanor vandalism.

You ladies can take care of it yourselves.

Wait.

Wait. What? Call us when you find a perp.

Yeah, we'll be waiting. Oh...

You go. Uh, I'm about to.

Now look what you have done.

Tell them they got 24 hours to solve the case.

They do. You have 24 hours to solve it or else.

Figure it out.

That's the poster.

So this is the part of my job that I enjoy the least.

The part where I inform you that last night someone murdered a partially clothed animal and threw a human corpse out a window.

And you can thank the person that did it, a person that may be in this room, for the fact that from now on, April Fools' Day is banished, okay?

At Greendale, April 1st is officially March 32nd forever.

How do you know it was one of us?

Well, if I may answer a question with a question, why are you dressed like a wizard?

Okay, is he having a stroke?

I'll tell you how I know.

Security Officers Bennett and Edison found this at the scene. Hmm?

The little hat says "Chang" on it.

And we ruled out your teacher because he has a crippling fear of frogs.

Oh! I told you that in confidence.

How about whoever did this just fesses up?

All right, that wasn't just a cadaver that was thrown out that window.

It was a person with family and friends.

And for every day that nobody confesses, this class will be meeting one of them. Hmm?

Glenda? Oh, I apologize.

Can you come on in here. Hmm? Yes.

And tell us about your son.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

There.

Harry was a wonderful man.

He kept a dream journal.

Page one.

"I had that dream again where I'm in a forest but the trees are pencils."

Hey.

Impressive. And hilarious. Hmm.

You gonna fess up, weirdo? Look, it wasn't me.

Even if it was, this was an accident.

I knew it. Nicely done.

If I come forward, it's gonna play into the "Britta's a buzzkill" mythology.

Well, the toe tag fits, Britta.

I mean, you single-handedly killed an entire school's buzz, not to mention a frog.

And according to Glenda, cadaver Harry had 13 nieces and nephews that I'm not interested in meeting.

So you better think about coming clean, or I'm just gonna tell everybody you did it.

Star-Burns doesn't do much.

I guess fascinating people don't resort to growing shapes on their faces.

He makes one false move, and I'm gonna go Shirley on him.

That's what my high school friends called crazy.

Yeah? You gonna go Shirlier than I did when I got addicted to pills?

Why are you so concerned with being a badass?

Maybe I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a little girl.

Maybe I wanna be in charge of how I'm defined.

Well, how do you think I feel?

You have two kids, they stick you in the margins.

I'm not done yet. I still got moves.

I haven't even started yet.

I've got moves I haven't even seen before.

Blocked call. Mm.

Edison.

The man you're looking for is Jeff Winger.

Jeff winger. Who is this?

I didn't recognize the voice. They say Jeff Winger's our man.

Oh! Drop them if you smoke them.

Cut to action sequence. Let's roll.

Security's coming through.

Mr. Winger.

Cagney, Lacey. What can I do you for?

Just doing a routine search. What is this?

What do you have here? That's my chest.

Why don't you spread them? What are you packing here?

Guys. I can pat.

I can do it too. So, uh, what you got in the bag?

Yeah. What the...?

Hey. Let's see what we have here.

Holy Mary, mother of pearl.

What do we have here, huh?

Looks like enough tiny items to equip an amphibious mariachi band.

Of frogs. That is not my stuff.

Britta. Britta planted that. Sure she did.

Tell that to what our equivalent of a judge is.

Wait. What is...?

He's getting away.

Go, go. Drive.

When you turn to yell at me...

He's right there. Okay, hold it...

What are these doing here? He's getting away.

Go after him on foot. I'm going after him on foot.

Cut him off on the other side. I'm cutting him off on the other side.

Stop or I'll shoot.

I said, stop.

Oh, God, no!

It burns!

Uh-huh. Oh, great, he got away. Good job.

He got away because of your driving, Grandma.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Hannah Montana.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you hard of hearing?

This is why you have hardly any friends.

Looks like I have one less now. Do I look like I'm crying?

These are not tears.

This is self-inflicted friendly fire, okay?

That's what happens to children.

You have no idea what I've been through!

Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.

I'll give you the rest of these chocolate-covered raisins if you save my seat.

I don't want you to feel judged by this, but your handling of this job has disappointed me.

I mean, your high-speed pursuit caused $78 worth of damages.

And you didn't even get a statement out of Mr. Winger?

He got away. He ran between two poles.

Well, I see how that would be frustrating but the fact is...

Your ass is on the line. ...my ass is on the line.

You just got off the phone with the mayor.

I just got off the phone... The mayor? Stop doing that.

I'm trying to help. You're not doing this right.

Well, maybe you should do it.

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you two.

You're an embarrassment to the department.

You're off the case and off the force.

Your badges, your windbreakers now.

Now! I ain't got all day!

Agitating my sciatica.

I'm too old for this. Now get out of my sight.

Thought you were badasses, huh?

Real badasses work together.

Hmm.

All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.

Hey. Abed.

I said, get out.

And don't even think about getting near this case. Uh-uh.

Pretty harsh. Oh, don't worry. That's what they needed.

Well, that was embarrassing. I know.

That African-American police chief character Abed was playing was right.

We should have worked as a team.

I don't know about you, I don't need a badge to finish this.

I say we nail Winger to the wall.

Together? Together.

How do you spell "testicles"?

Nice frame job, Britta-dict Arnold.

Oh, colonial burn.

Come on, Jeff, where's that trademark gift for levity?

Well, well, well, look who we found.

Yes, how foolish of me to hide in my regularly scheduled study group.

Jeff, let's just do this the easy way. Confess.

Britta's the one who threw that body out the window.

And I can prove it. How?

Britta was going to put a frog wearing a sombrero on Chang's desk because that's the kind of thing she thinks is funny.

Don't you, Britta? No.

Then why is there a photo on your Facebook page of a cat wearing a necktie?

Pfft. This is my cat.

And the tie makes him...?

Formal.

This investigation is going nowhere.

You need a psychic.

Perfect.

This process may alarm you.

Oh! Gay, gay, gay. So gay.

Oh-oh. Dark nightclub.

Throbbing music.

Men's room... Men's room stall.

Penis. Two penises.

Oh. So gay. He's so gay.

Pierce. What?

Sit down. We'll take it from here.

Jeff, where were you last night? At a bar.

Called it. Who can confirm that?

Your mama. What?

While I'm... Oh!

Oh!

What the hell, Annie?

Her name's not Annie, it's Psycho.

And if I were you, I'd tell her what she wants to hear.

That's right, because if I have to hand you off to Shirley, you're gonna enter a kitchen of pain.

Guys, stop it.

Stop it. I did it.

I framed Jeff.

I'm sorry, Jeff. But why?

Because I'm a buzzkill, that's why.

Because that's who I am. That's my role.

You guys, you create fun, and I destroy it.

Of course a silly little joke ends with a dead body on the lawn.

I should have known that but I wanted to do it anyway.

I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be funny.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Cancer.

Oh, good, come on in. I thought it was Britta.

Well...

Britta, I actually wanna be taken more seriously.

And the only reason I slammed Jeff's head against the table was because I wanted to feel like an adult.

Like Shirley.

I wanted to feel younger like Annie.

It's not that I'm really old because people don't know how young I really am. See?

I'm doing it again. I hate that I obsess about my age.

Oh, I know.

I wish I was really magic.

You know you're not?

Yeah.

Somebody must have sent these robes by accident.

I only pretended I was level six to impress you guys.

I got held back.

Oh!

I don't even deserve this Buddhist meteor wand.

Oh.

It's not a meteor. It's a cookie wand.

Me and Jeff made it because it made you look like the Cookie Crisp wizard.

Which is not even a reference I get because the Cookie Crisp mascot wasn't a wizard when I was a kid, it was a burglar.

I just pretended like I knew because I wanted Jeff to think I was smart.

Great. I did it again.

I killed the buzz.

Look, um...

Maybe...

Maybe "buzzkill" is a bad choice of words.

What's a good choice of words?

I don't know. I, um...

You're like the dark cloud that unites us.

Or the... The anti-Winger.

Uh, you're like... You're... You're the heart of this group.

I don't have a real handle on all this mushy stuff.

If... If I did, then we wouldn't need you.

Britta, get over here.

Really? Yeah!

Let's never let Jeff divide us again.

Hey, Abed.

Why are you and I the only sane...?

Shh! Just watch. It's beautiful.

Troy, do you want a bite of my wand?

I do.

We really appreciate you doing this.

Sure. And three, two, one.

♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪ And we're back. Look who's here, Jeff Winger.

Jeff, how do you stay so fit?

Diet, exercise, genetics.

Sure, sure. So it seems we have a clip.

You wanna set it up for us?

I'd like to but I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, we'll just roll it.

Ooh. My name's Jeff Winger.

I'm Jeff. I'm so tall.

This watch is expensive. Muscles are everywhere.

That was funny.

What's going on? Where are the cameras?

We're not filming this. No. Who'd wanna watch this?

Guys, it's 6 a.m. Jeez.

We're not gonna have him back.

♪ Troy and Abed in the morn... ♪ No!