Community S1E22 Script

The Art of Discourse (2010)

Hey, Britta, what are you gonna knitta?

Good mood, bad rhyme, and is that a carb on your plate?

I got a B on my nutrition final, and I am celebrating with pie and a dollop of whipped irony.

Nice. I'm knitting something for my new cat.

It's been two weeks since I lost Suzie B, I figured it was time to move on.

Not being an animal lover, I assume it'll be nice to start over with a fresh kitten.

Fresh kitten?

I go to a shelter and rescue an animal that genuinely needs my help, okay?

Why do you think I am knitting a tiny, little eye patch?

Excuse me. Hi.

We're in high school, but we're here taking some classes for college credit.

Well, all right. Way to be go-getters.

Thanks.

So we were just wondering.

Can you tell us what you did in your lives to end up here so that we don't make the same mistakes?

Yeah, because if I end up 35 and celebrating a B in nutrition in community college, I'll kill myself.

Watch it. Yeah!

Watch it! Or what, schmitty?

Schmitty.

You gonna knit me something sad in your house full of cats with no furniture?

Listen, it's a studio apartment, and knitting is hip.

Winona Ryder knits.

Who?

Schmitty. Schmitty.

Schmits! Schmitty.

I've done things with my life, awesome things.

I've been to 14 countries.

I helped build a school in Kenya.

I once met Sting at a Cracker Barrel.

Why let a bunch of teenagers get to you?

I don't even remember what they said.

It just rolled...

Would you stop tuning that guitar!

You are 105 years old!

Tell me exactly what you did with your life to end up here, so I don't make the same mistakes!

Excuse me!

But it's springtime, I thought I might woo a few chicks.

♪ No one to watch While we're kissing ♪

♪ No one to see While we spoon ♪

♪ Let's take a trip In my airship ♪

♪ And we'll visit the man In the moon ♪ Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell! Hey, what?

What the hell!

Sorry.

Animal House.

A reference my ears applaud. I couldn't resist.

Smashing the guitar of someone singing a cloying love song was on my quintessential college experience list.

Your what? It's a list of everything that movie have taught me comprises a successful first year at college.

"Bond with a group of lovable misfits."

Check. "Take on the school bully.

Make out with the hottest girl on campus."

Check-a-rooni. You?

The school year is almost over, and there's a bunch of stuff left on the list.

I'll help you finish it. I'll be like your Morgan Freeman.

Like in The Bucket List. The what?

Stand up for a second.

Uh, come over here. Stand there.

Okay, turn around. Okay.

What the hell? Pantsing someone was on my list.

It would've been better if you were wearing the standard giant hearts on underwear.

But I'll take it. Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope getting pantsed is on your list.

It is.

What's so funny?

This!

Oh! Oh!

Get it?

♪ I can't count The reasons I should stay ♪

Finally. No, Pierce, Shirley is way too angry to talk to you right now.

Yeah, you'll have to apologize later.

Apologize for what?

She should apologize to me. She ruined my joke.

Oh, my God.

There's a grandpa schlip-schlap.

Have you seen my schmitty?

Help, I'm gonna crap my pants.

Oh, seriously, nutrition, this is your life?

Actually, I was a lawyer.

Looks like that went well.

And hangs with schlip-schlap and schlap-skank.

Oh, my God!

Is she wearing a Discman?

How could you do this to me?

What? Discmans are retro.

Oh, is retro when you're 30 and broke and can't afford an iPod, schmitty?

I think "schmitty" means loser.

We know! We know!

You may come back in now. I have something to say.

This better be a good apology.

It's been a long time coming. We have all joked around, rolled our eyes at him.

There's been a transgression today.

And I will no longer continue to be a part of the group with this man.

Just skip to the "I'm sorry."

You are pathological, and you will never change.

That is the pot calling the kettle...

A kettle, okay?

Oh, you can say black, Pierce. I'm a black woman.

The cat is out the bag.

You have literally identified me to strangers as "the black woman."

Out of context.

Context is everything.

I call the other women "flat-butt" and "the one Abed wants to nail."

Is that you? Not me.

So, what's the context for constantly referring to me as a lesbian?

If the wallet chain fits.

Just trying to help you find yourself.

At least he doesn't think Shirley's my mom anymore.

He thinks we're cousins. You're not?

Still assumes I'm a terrorist. If you're not, I'm sorry.

And if you are, I'm a hero. I'm willing to take that chance.

You said I have a crafty Jew brain.

Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore.

Look, either he leaves the group or I do.

You just dug your own grave.

Hey, what's up?

They kicked me out of the group!

Wanna buy some cookies? Ten bucks a box.

Crap, damn it!

Have you seen a Chinese kid?

Twerps.

Oh, hey, Pierce. How is it going?

Unrepentant child. Such a child.

Oh, here comes stinky turd face.

Remember, we don't stop till he's crying.

Oh, check out Franken-mom.

Oh, we can use that.

No wedding ring. He's a child of divorce.

We can make fun of him for coming from a broken home.

I don't care if this gets dirty. He asked for it.

You're right.

Get ready to meet Jeff Winger, esquire.

Attorney at "Ah, snap!"

It will be better than that.

Hey, Clearasil!

What time is your mommy picking you up?

After she's done shooting The Real Housewives of Greendale County?

"After she's done shooting The Real Housewives of Greendale County?" Duh!

That's a clever retort.

"That's a clever retort." Duh!

Brilliant. "Brilliant." Duh!

Your parents are divorced.

"Your parents are divorced."

Duh!

Duh! Schmitty.

Forget it, come on. "Come on, forget this."

Duh! Duh! Where you going, schmitty?

I'm sorry, little schmitty.

Mimicry is the lowest form... Stop talking.

"Mimicry is the lowest form..." "Stop talking."

Hi. Hey, you two.

What is that?

Billy, City College's mascot.

Stealing a rival school's mascot was part of Abed's list.

Check. Bringing a goat to our study group? That's a great idea, Troy.

Thanks. Must've been hard for you to say that.

It's called sarcasm, Troy.

Ask the goat to explain it to you.

Why do I feel like I'm being dissed?

Because you are being dissed. Why are you two dissing Troy?

They no longer have Pierce.

What?

Pierce's universally recognized social flaws made him the scapegoat, a lightning rod.

Now he's gone, so there's lightning everywhere. That sounds dangerous.

My uncle was struck by lightning.

Think it'd give superpowers, now he just masturbates in theaters.

It's very dangerous.

We've lost Cliff Clavin, our George Costanza.

Our Turtle, or Johnny Drama, or Eve.

Man, that show is sloppy.

So, what's gonna happen?

It's only a matter of time before one of us becomes the new Pierce.

Well, I sure as hell am not gonna be the new Pierce.

And if all we need is an escape-goat, I think we should just let this one go.

Sometimes you've got to be pretending, Troy.

Maybe the new Pierce is Britta. Yeah, right.

How do you pronounce bagel? Bagel.

She calls bagels, "bagels."

We do make fun of a lot of what you do and say.

Yeah, right to my face, because I can take it.

Unlike a certain someone else.

Let's not make fun of Annie.

No, no. I don't want anybody's pity.

Come to think of it, after Pierce, you're the most bigoted. What?

You found out I was Jewish, you called me to a "pool" party that turned out to be a baptism.

Excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven.

What about Abed? Abed's weird.

No, that's not it. He's all right, we like Abed.

Guys, have you considered the new Pierce concept is stupid?

Spoken like the new Pierce.

You're right. I am not the new Pierce.

Damn the old Pierce. He makes me mad.

Don't double Pierce me. You're the triple Pierce.

Hey, guys, guys.

I can't believe I'm gonna utter these words, but we need Pierce in this group.

But we can't ask Shirley to let him back in.

That would be so insensitive.

Well, maybe he'll admit he's wrong.

Two, three, four.

Uh, not!

We need Pierce.

Just stick to the script and make it sincere.

It's not gonna be sincere, because I'm pretending to apologize.

Okay, but you're not getting back in the group unless she thinks you're sincere.

Stubborn fool. Can we, um, hurry this up?

Troy and I are pledging the cool fraternity.

And unbeknownst to us, we're actually the target of ridicule and don't have a chance in hell of getting in.

Yeah, they're making us walk around with pretzels in our butts.

I put mustard on mine like an idiot.

Okay, Pierce, you can do this.

What's he...?

Yup.

Shirley, I know you don't wanna hear what I have to say, but...

I owe you this.

From the moment we first met, I knew you were gonna... Seriously!

Oh, oh, Shirley.

You are unbelievable!

I'm not wearing contacts. These are mine, give them.

But I'm a bag guy.

You have the same bag, so I thought...

That's right, nothing is ever your fault.

Screw you. I don't owe you an apology.

They wrote this.

Pretend like you asleep, pretend like you asleep.

Thank you!

Now I fully understand where I have always stood.

I'm entitled to my pride until it gets in the way of what you guys want.

Got nothing to say? Well, I do.

I'm out of the group.

Shirley. Oh, Shirley don't go, please.

Sassy black schmitty's out of the group.

Oh, no, not the group! Poor, sad, little schmitties.

Can't all of us little schmitties get along?

Would you please hurry up?

I am late for my bikini wax.

Who was that?

A punk-ass who needs to be destroyed.

And I just figured out how.

Um, can we focus on what's important here?

Shirley thinks we don't care about her.

No, no, you're right. You're right.

That's totally more important.

I just thought of one thing. You need to bang that kid's mom.

Um, after we fix everything with Shirley.

Whoa!

Yes, yes, yes, we'll deal with Shirley.

But that's brilliant!

Because then anything he says about you...

He'll be saying to a dude that banged his mom.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Sorry. Shirley. Shirley.


All right, bye, everybody. Have a great day.

Be right here at 3, please. I'll be in a hurry.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you.

You don't happen to have an extra bottle of sports drink, do you?

Actually, I do.

Here you go. Oh, thanks.

Got to hydrate, right?

But obviously you know. You work out.

Well, I try to keep things where they should be.

I think I might be where should I be.

I don't know about your robot, Abed.

Boobatron's great.

Once someone spills bong water on his circuit, he comes alive, gonna make us the coolest guys, help us get babes.

Those are real babes who will really laugh at us.

Hey, you're my friend, right?

Friends are supposed to help each other no matter what.

Okay, ridiculous situation descending into heavy-handed drama for the illusion of story, check.

What? That was awesome!

All right, I am back in.

Cool. All right.

Just so you know, I'm Shirley.

Wouldn't want you reaching for me should you get a hankering for pancakes.

I'm old and I do not see well.

You already won, so shut it.

I won? Oh, no. They want you in the group.

I quit, so you go ahead, hang with them.

No, thanks.

I'm sick of the way that group treats me.

Preaching to the choir.

Tell you what I'm not gonna miss.

Abed and Troy's silly little games.

Grow up already.

By the way, thanks for including me.

Please, you think Annie and Britta invite me when they take those little weekend trips to the mall?

They just think of me as some sort of mom.

They both need to learn some manners. And you know what?

Annie needs to stop dating Vaughn.

He's cute, but he's not the kind of boy I envisioned her ending up with.

No matter how hard you try, you can never be as cool or funny as they are.

It's called respect, and no one ever gave me diddly.

Except me.

I respect you more than anyone else in the group.

Which is why you pantsed me?

Well, but you see, that wasn't wrong.

Oh, for heaven's sake, you are such an arrogant, self-righteous ass.

You're a strong, dignified woman who's raising a family.

A bigger accomplishment than anybody else in that room.

Nobody can strip you of that, not even me.

You really believe that? Yes.

And that's why you think pantsing me wasn't wrong?

It wasn't.

What are you doing?

Did I misread that?

Oh, here, let me just do that.

You sure you don't want some vodka?

Oh, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm at school at 2 p.m.

Did someone just take a schmitty?

Hey. Looks like you'll be calling somebody daddy soon.

Or at least your mom will be.

Tonight.

Dude, you are so pathetic. Mark!

Mom, I've been pwning this loser all week.

He thinks he can get back at me through you.

What? "Powning"?

Pwning!

He doesn't even know what that means?

I see what's going on here.

Look, I don't want to come between a son and his beautiful, vivacious mom.

Oh, my God! You are pathetic.

Yeah, so is the dumb whore who's in on it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I gotta tell you, Chantel.

You have raised a terrible human being.

We're better than this. No, you're not!

I raised a winner who will continue to crush junior college losers like you.

Oh, man! Schmitty!

I'm sorry, it's a matter of pride.

What are you looking at? "What are you looking at?"

Duh!

What are you looking at?

Duh. Duh!

School his ass, Mark.

"School his ass, Mark." Duh.

"Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!"

"Duh, duh, duh!"

"Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!"

Duh. Duh, duh!

Why are Jeff and Britta making fun of those handicapped kids?

They don't even realize how much they need us.

"Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!"

"Duh, duh, duh, duh!"

Why are they doing this? I don't know if you've noticed, but Jeff and Britta have the two most fragile egos of the group.

Losing to these kids will pretty much destroy them.

Hey! Whoa! What are you, a priest?

What are you doing? What the hell?

Hey, you didn't say, "Duh."

We win. No.

You're the schmitties!

No, no, we're minors.

I'm calling the cops.

No, you're not.

You have already embarrassed me by getting pwned.

Don't be such a girl, now go.

Yeah, see that. Yes, suck it!

Schmitty face!

We showed you, high schoolers! Suck it!

Congratulations on your victory.

Thank you, Annie. Yeah, thank you.

And thanks, you guys. Any time.

Look, Pierce and I are considering rejoining the group.

And maybe we can all be a little more mature.

I hear that.

Abed, I've had enough of this list.

Doing this stuff isn't fun. It just feels forced.

Fine, I'll deactivate Boobatron.

Trust me, classic college experiences never happen organically.

Food fight! Food fight!

Oh, no.

♪ I don't like studying ♪

♪ I like partying ♪

♪ I don't wanna read a book ♪

♪ Unless the subject is beer Or boobs ♪

♪ And not pencils and books ♪

♪ The semester hasn't started ♪

♪ Until you party Where your heart is ♪

♪ I don't wanna take a test Unless the question is ♪

♪ Where's the party And the answer is me ♪

♪ I drink the beer ♪

♪ I lose control ♪

♪ Why did my father Always lie? ♪

♪ I hate science ♪

♪ Unless it helps you Build a robot ♪

♪ Specifically The kind programmed ♪

♪ To find another party So I can skip chemistry ♪

♪ College is a party ♪

♪ So come party At the party ♪

♪ Party is a class obsession ♪

♪ And the only lesson Is to party ♪

♪ When you party with me ♪ Are you sure it's the name of my grade school and my favorite soft drink? Yup, pretty sure.

George Washington Lemon Fresco.

That's a horrible porn name. I don't make the rules.

What's yours? Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.

Oh, that's good. Hello, Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.

How many pornos have you been in?

Six thousand and twelve.

How many pornos have you been in, George Washington Lemon Fresca?

Two thousand and nineteen. That's my first week.

Impressive. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Someone here order a pizza?

Is it you guys? It has extra sausage.

No. It's big and hot.

That's my pizza.

But you took longer than 30 minutes so I'm not paying.