Community S1E23 Script

Modern Warfare (2010)

Raisins don't belong in chocolate chip cookie.

It gives them depth. Hey, watch it, punk.

What are you, 80?

He's the one trying to bring back disco.

I don't have to be old to know it's not gonna happen.

What it is, soul brother.

My boys will make me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day.

Well, actually I'm gonna make the breakfast and get in there, but they're gonna bring it to me.

Aw. I know, and they said the cutest thing last night.

They said, "Mama", 'cause they call me Mama.

You're gonna be the fun police. If I'm the fun police, then you're director of Funland Security.

Good, more of this. More of what?

What do you think? The constant bickering.

It was cute at first, but...

Well, Abed explains it best.

Jeff and Britta is no Ross and Rachel.

Your sexual tension and lack of chemistry are putting us all on edge, which is why, ironically, and hear this on every level, you're keeping us from being friends.

Jeff and I do not have sexual tension.

We just argue all the time.

Just like Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.

Who are Sam and Diane? Okay, we get it.

You're young. Sorry.

See what you're doing to us?

Want my advice? Pork her and move on.

We did it all the time in my day.

Yeah, you also put hydrogen in blimps, that was bad.

Hey, everybody.

Just a reminder.

Our Spring Fling is on the quad today.

Music, food, activities. What, what?

He makes me uncomfortable.

Hmm. Still in the room.

There's also going to be a game of Paintball Assassin with a prize for last man standing.

Or last man in a wheelchair with no paint.

Or last woman.

Give it a rest, Britta. Ugh. What's the prize?

It was a Blu-ray DVD player, but it was stolen.

So now it's TBD.

I want TBD. Is that new?

If it's what I think, I had it for about a month in the '70s.

Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.

There's no Britta and Jeff.

He said, fully erect.

I'm gonna let you guys figure this out while I go take a nap in my car.

What are you waiting for?

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

What the hell?

Hello?

What is going on?

The paintball game was starting, and the dean...

The dean announced the prize.

The prize.

We turned on each other like animals.

What was the prize? Was?

This is not over.

This is still happening right now.

Leonard? Leonard, I'm not playing.

Everyone's playing.

Aw.

You suck.

Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

Hey, look what I found wandering the neutral zone.

Jeff Winger.

You son of a bitch.

I thought you were dead, man.

I was just taking a nap.

Has everyone lost their mind?

It's just a game of paintball.

Yeah. With one rule. Last man standing gets the prize.

The prize. The prize.

What is this prize?

You don't know.

Priority registration.

Priority registration?

That's why everyone's running around like a bunch...

Does that mean what I think?

Like you could have first choice of your classes next semester?

Easy, sugar bear.

But you could schedule all your classes on a Monday and take a six-day weekend.

You could do a lot of things.

Talk him through the hunger, Abed.

Every student wants that prize, Jeff.

There's no way to share it, so we'll eventually all turn on each other.

But the longer we wait to do that... Jeff.

The longer we work together, the longer we last.

Is everyone running in packs?

The debate team was first to do it, but they fell to infighting.

They say the glee club is luring stragglers into sniper traps with cheery renditions of hit songs.

Really? And people fall for that?

Yeah. I mean, I'm all for winning, but let's not resort to cheap ploys.

Are the girls in the game? You mean Britta?

I don't mean Britta. Did I say Britta?

Twice now.

Chess Club.

No, no, no.

He's a pawn.

Checkmate, bitches.

And tell the drama club their tears will be real today.

No, that's all sugar. Get some protein.

Right here. Peanuts. Yeah, yeah. Peanuts.

Take the stuff closer to you. No, no.

The ones in the back are the freshest.

That will keep us going. Yeah. Okay, okay.

Hey.

What the hell? I got you covered.

You guys formed an alliance without me?

Yeah. You with Star-Burns?

Well, not if I can be with you.

It's just Star-Burns.

Anyone else need a pee break?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

I'll stand guard. I don't need to pee.

I'm wearing a diaper for the game.

Oh, yeah. For the game.

Hey, guys, make this quick before Pierce's chewing attracts enemies.

Um, guys? Hold it.

Don't move. Drop it.

All right, everybody, be cool.

We can beat the others if we merge alliances.

We're doing fine on our own. Yeah?

You gonna win the whole game camped on a crapper? Worked on you.

Did it? Or do you have a gun in your face?

Matches yours. Nice comeback.

Shut up!

Jeez.

Okay.

So the agreement is we're allies until we're sure we're the last seven standing.

You thinking what I'm thinking? Mm-hm.

Our team's walking with God.

I'm thinking we might already be the only seven left, in which case, this is a window for the two of us to take out the others.

Real nice, that'd be great PR for the black students.

I am not an ambassador.

I am gladiator.

Now, you want to win or not?

Oh!

Troy made God mad.

Take cover.

Run, Pierce.

Glee club. How do you know it's the glee club?

Listen.

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪ Oh, brother.

That is so uninspired.

I'm not so sure.

I got a plan. Get ready.

Hey, Pierce. Don't come over here, okay?

Screw you. I'm coming over there.

Medic. In the trees. There.

Write some original songs!

What are you guys gonna do if you win priority registration?

I'll make my schedule airtight.

Maybe get out of here in three years instead of four.

I'd take any class with no tests and no papers.

What would you do, Shirley?

I'd choose all morning classes so I could get home early to spend some time with my boys.

It's hard being away from them so much.

You know what?

I say if any of us win, we give it to Shirley as a Mother's Day gift.

Absolutely. What?

Abed, you don't have to do that.

I am so sick of you guilting people with your phony humanitarian shtick.

Phony? When I win, you can watch me do it.

Of course you'll do it, but that won't make it less phony.

You know, you'd be a lot more likeable...

If I never did anything for anybody ever?

Yeah, because when you help people, that always turns out great.

Let's do it.

Shh.

Study group. Come out and play.

Oh, look, it's post-ironic Disco Stu.

Still trying to bring it back?

Hi.

Damn, he brought it back.

Put your hands...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

They shot us.

It's hot, it's hot. Let's go, fool.

The last guy almost got me.

My legs.

Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry.

I'm going home, Britta.

I know, Shirley, I know.

No, seriously, I'm going home. Can you help me up?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys.

That's nice.

Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you and your boys.

That's less nice.

Oh, my God, you've been hit. What?

Oh, no.

Wait, wait.

It's blood.

I thought it was paint, but I'm just bleeding.

Talk about luck.

I can't believe this game is still going on. It's 2 a.m.

What if someone gets hurt and the police come?

They'll think I'm a bad dean.

There's classes in the morning. This has to stop.

Shh.

Put me in the game, because I'll take everyone out.

I play paintball three times a week, bro.

I'm even one of the douchebags who brings in his own equipment.

But it wouldn't be fair. You're not a student.

But you can change that, can't you? Huh?

Enroll me in a class.

What are your interests? Arts and crafts.

Oh, I do watercolors. Oh, cool.

The group would be thrilled.

The wounded soldier fantasy means we're moments from doing it, right?

Yeah, can you feel that tension?

It's a miracle we still have clothes on.

You're right, you know.

I am a phony.

I try to act compassionate, because I'm afraid that I'm not.

Oh, please, I invented phony.

You care about people.

I accuse you of faking to convince myself I'm not such a jerk.

You help people more than I do, and you don't even want to.

You're not a jerk. You're fine.

Especially now that I've repaired your overworked torso with my trembling feminine fingers.

Yes. Too much sexual tension.

Damn bursting.

It would totally serve them right if we did it here in the study room.

Oh, my god, could you imagine? I can't stop imagining.

Neither can I.

We should get dressed before the third-shift librarian shows up.

We don't want this to turn into a letter to Penthouse.

I think the group is right.

We did need to relieve some tension.

Tell me you didn't have sex with me to win at paintball.

No, I had sex with you, and now I'm gonna win at paintball.

Don't be gross. I'm gross?

You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one-handed while holding a gun.

Can I get dressed before you assassinate me?

So all that happened, it meant nothing to you?

I didn't say that. What did it mean to you?

I asked you first. Very mature.

Said the woman wearing Hello Kitty underwear.

Said the woman holding the gun.

You sure that's a gun?

Maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.

Uh-oh.

No paintballs, Hans? You think I'm stupid?

When'd you take my clip? When you started seducing me.

I wasn't though.

Assuming that makes you way grosser.

Not when I'm right.


Buenos dias, children.

You'll be happy to know you made it all the way till the end.

You're not even a student. Wrong.

Critical Media Literacy and Politics of Gender, biatch.

Give me your clip. That would be brilliant of me.

Look, you got the drop on me. I lost.

Let me do this for you.

Be pretty crazy if I shot you right now, huh?


What's so funny, Chang?

Maybe it's the fact there's no such thing as priority registration.

Or maybe it's this.

Ta-da.


Dean!

Just one moment.

Oh, hi there, Jeffrey.

That's a good look for you.

Everybody out there is shooting each other for nothing while you sit here in your ivory tower.

Jeffrey, I can explain.

I messed up when I promised priority registration.

Apparently, it's a violation of some student equality act, but this isn't. Ta-da!

Okay, now, it's not Blu-ray, but it comes with its own remote, so...

Jeffrey.

Jeffrey!

Jeffrey. Jeffrey!

You get it all out of your system?

Almost.

What do you want from me, Jeffrey? Guess.

Oh, hi. Hey, how's it going?

You still have some paint.

Oh, thanks.

Um, I was thinking... You don't have to.

It didn't happen.

It's not that it was a mistake. It's just that it didn't happen.

It was a crazy night of paintball.

Exactly. Tension relieving.

Absolutely. No need to mention it to anyone.

Right, no big deal. Nothing's changed.

Something's changed.

Oh, Abed. Crazy Abed.

No, something's different now.

Me? I'm sporting a man-thong. Maybe.

Or maybe it's that I have emerged victorious with a priority registration form.

Oh! Well done, Jeff.

And in recognition of her bravery, not to mention her children, I hereby award this to the best soldier, Shirley.

Now, the bad news is, for legal purposes, next semester, if anybody asks, you have gout.

Do you mind walking with a limp? Mm.

Thank you, Jeffrey. Look, Annie.

Wow, I didn't see that coming. Neither did I.

So no one feels it?

No one senses anything's different?

Nope. Not at all.

It's riding up a little.

Hey, Abed, it's Troy. Meet you at the flagpole in...

If you are satisfied with your message, press one.

To erase and re-record... Hey, Abed, it's Troy.

Yo, I'll meet you at the flagpole in like...

If you are satisfied with your message...

Hey, Abed. It's Troy. Hee-hee!

If you are satisfied with your message...

When are you gonna meet him? Ten minutes.

To listen to your message...

Your girlfriend will meet you at the flagpole in 10 minutes.

Goodbye.

If you are satisfied with your message, press one.

To erase and re-record...

Did I sound like a jerk?

To listen to your message, press three. To send...

Hey, Abed, sorry to bother you.

Troy will meet you at the flagpole in 10 minutes.

Okay.

If you are satisfied...

Maybe just send a text message. Yeah.