Community S1E24 Script

English as a Second Language (2010)

It's hard to believe finals are here.

And I know that during this stressful time, my voice blaring over a PA can't help.

Which is why, for the next three days, you'll hear nothing but soothing sounds of nature.

And to kick it off, here's a babbling brook.

Will anyone back me up if I say this is ridiculous, or is it gonna be another Avatar situation?

I love Avatar. Okay!

Nature sounds or not, we're not gonna have trouble passing our Spanish final.

I've transcribed this semester's notes from my digital recorder.

You record every class?

Spoiler alert.

You mean, nerd alert. Alert nerd.

Here's a spoiler.

We're gonna spend the next three days boning up.

Then pass the exam and move on to Spanish 103.

Sounds like a good ending, Annie.

Except for where I take Spanish 103.

What do you mean?

Spanish 102 fills my language requirement.

I guess I just figured we're a Spanish study group, so we'd keep taking Spanish together.

That's what I thought too. I'm in.

I'm on a tight, four-year schedule to replace my bachelor's.

I'm not gonna take an extra class.

Spanish has value beyond credit. Not really.

I know the family downstairs hates me.

I don't need to understand why.

Okay, fine. You want me to say it? I'll say it.

I like this group. I want it to stay together.

Yeah, you be the cool guy, Jeff.

And next fall when that gets lonely, I'll be in the front row of Spanish 103.

Monday through Friday, 6:00 a.m.

Six...

And now, crickets.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Okay, if we're not interested in Spanish 103 next year, what about Anthropology?

Ooh. Anthropology. The study of man.

I'm still trying to forget what I learned about that subject.

Go, girl.

You just go-girled yourself. Shut up.

See, it's fun.

And they have a class at noon. Noon, everybody.

Anthropology? Anthropology? Anthropology?

Annie, I'm not big on planning ahead, but I have one unmovable appointment, May 23rd, 2013.

To buy a flying car?

I have a table at Morty's Steakhouse where I'll celebrate becoming a lawyer again, which can only happen if I take a full load.

Don't.

A full load of classes every year.

I can maybe make it until then, but not by building my schedule around BFFs.

We'll build ours around yours.

You realize we'll be friends whether or not we have a class together?

Of course you think that, Britta.

It's obvious from your name your parents smoked pot.

I haven't said a single word in this entire conversation and I find that outrageous.

Hola, el losers.

Winger, may I have a word with you in private?

Sure. Good.

Sorry. Oh, yeah.

Got it. Cool.

Come back in 10 minutes.

And if anyone asks, I sent you to learn things.

And, Pierce, close the door, please.

Gracias.

Other side of the door.

So you're here because your college degree was fake, right?

I prefer the term better than real, but yes.

Two questions: Where did you get it?

Could you have prevented being caught, and how?

One question:

Where did you learn to count questions?

Are you telling me you need a fake degree?

You know, in high school, I was in a band.

We could've been huge, but the world wasn't ready for an Asian man on keytar.

Did you say "keytar" or did you pronounce "guitar" like a hillbilly?

Keytar. It's a keyboard you can play like a guitar.

Oh.

Get with the times, man.

Anyway, next thing you know, I'm 32.

And I'm bagging groceries for, like, 5 bucks an hour plus tips.

Shocked? Confused.

I'm supposed to tip my bag boy?

So I did what anyone would do.

I faked my way into a job as a Spanish teacher at a community college, relying on phrases from Sesame Street.

Oh, my God.

Save the judgment, Winger, all right?

If the dean finds out that I'm not a real teacher, your grades are invalid, and you'll all have to repeat this class.

That was the chair. Good.

Good.

It's unsolvable.


Hold on. I forgot my...

Hey. What the hell are you doing?

Hey. Hey, come back here!

Come back here!

Jerry. Hey, Jerry. Check this out.

And that is what Milton was really saying.

Okay, exams are on Tuesday. Class dismissed.

If the dean finds out that I'm not a real teacher, your grades are invalid and you'll all have to repeat this class.

If the dean finds out that I'm not a real teacher, your grades are invalid, and you'll all have to repeat this class.

That was the chair. Right.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, kids.

Well, it's actually bad news for the older people as well.

Señor Chang is no longer with us.

Um. He's not faking his death again, is he?

Because I can't handle that roller coaster.

First, he's alive. Then we're happy.

And then he's alive again and...

I received an anonymous tip that Chang had misrepresented certain aspects of his qualifications.

For instance, having them.

Word of advice.

If an Asian man says he's a Spanish teacher, it's not racist to ask for proof, okay?

You ignore your mother's voice, get right into that horse's mouth.

So if Chang's a fraud, what about our grades?

Are they invalid?

Oh, no, no, no. That's not fair to you guys.

I'm sure you've all worked very hard and learned.

So just take your final with Chang's replacement.

Doctor.

Buenos días. Buenos días.

Sí.

Buenos días.

Sí.

Listen to this back and forth.

It's like I'm at an embassy.

What's on the final?

I know it's in Spanish, dummy.

What chapters? All three or...?

Veinte.

Oh, I know that one. She wants a large coffee.

Oh. She's thinking.

Okay, in English.

You will be taking a standard exam for students at your level.

It will cover this entire textbook.

El crappo.

I couldn't understand a word Dr. Escodera was saying.

And why is she teaching Spanish if she's a doctor?

Go cure something.

I gotta pass that exam or my entire four-year plan will be thrown off.

That might be your car, Jeff.

What? I was on my roof for the 4th of July, the fireworks set off the car alarms.

That one sounded like a brand-new Lexus.

My Lexus isn't brand-new. I know.

Yours is a 2002. That's the year I heard it.

Hey!

You two-faced jag.

You're wearing protective goggles to destroy my car?

Safety first. Stop!

I ask you for help and you turn me in?

What? I did not. Why would I screw myself?

What am I, Dr. Drew?

I didn't do it, okay?

Tell me who did it so I can murder your face.

Hey, break it up.

Oh. Oh, oh. We're writing a song.

For the battle of bands.

Good luck passing your exam, Winger.

At one point, I was teaching you Klingon.

Why don't you tell that to your really weird-sounding magical chair?

I have a condition.

I'm peeing. I'm peeing. I'm peeing.


Impressive.

I dismantled that valve and I put out that free cake because I wanted to see what you could do.

You got a gift, kid. You know that, right?

A gift for sinks. Big deal.

I'm a student. I like learning.

Yeah, right. Learning.

Learn everything. Learn until you're dead.

Or... you can call this number.

That's a company that fixes toilets and sinks.

Oh, man. Listen to me.

Toilets and sinks, real things.

Things that people always use and always need to get fixed.

This is a life, kid. A real one.

Doing something that matters, something that makes sense.

The only thing that makes sense is this.

Learning, thoughts.

So I can think, and get a student loan, and grind my own coffee, and understand HBO.

You don't have to do that, kid. You're special.

You could be a plumber.

You could be a plumber.

Hey. Hi.

Okay, so we know three kinds of verbs, which took 40 minutes.

At this rate, if we don't sleep or pee, we can cover 10 percent of the exam.

If it's multiple choice, 25 percent of our guesses will be right.

That's a lot of right answers when you're guessing everything.

I don't wanna sound like a defeatist, but we're defeated.

Face it. Why even take the exam?

We're all gonna be retaking Spanish this fall.

What was that?

What was what? I don't know.

I said retake Spanish and everyone went, "Ugh."

And you went, "Hmm."

Maybe it's one of those recessive genes.

I can also curl my tongue. Who else?

Annie ratted out Chang.

What? You made this happen because you're obsessed with all of us being together next year.

I wouldn't say I was obsessed.

Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

I'll allow it.

Did you record yesterday's Spanish class?

I don't think so. Abed?

You said you record all your classes.

Pierce called it a spoiler alert.

You heard Chang tell me he was bogus.

And then dropped the dime because you would do anything to keep this group together.

Because you are insecure.

Because you didn't get hot until after high school.

That's true.

Fine. I did it.

For real, Annie? Oh, Annie.

Someone make her a dude so I can punch her.

Go ahead and hate me. It's better than what was going to happen.

We were all gonna drift apart.

You were all too cool to do anything.

Maybe not too cool, maybe just, you know, not psycho enough.

A little crazy. Little psycho.

Now she is going to make the Disney face.

Her lip is gonna quiver her eyes will flutter, but they won't ever actually close.

But do not feel sorry for her.

She stole a year of our lives, and we're right to be pissed.

Oh, Annie.

No. No.

Everyone close their eyes. Do it. Close them.

Abed, close.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I can only connect with people through...

Movies.

She's the Ark of the Covenant.

You guys, I'm sorry.

I only did it so that we could stay friends.

Picture her as Paul Giamatti.

I mean, he's...

Friends don't do what you did to us.

Did the sisterhood of the traveling pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave?

No. I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they mailed each other pants.

I said I was sorry.

Who cares if you're sorry?

We're still screwed.

Be sorry about this stuff before you do it.

Then don't do it.

It's called growing up.

Annie, we were still gonna see each other all the time.

Yeah, that's what my rehab group used to say.

The only one that keeps in touch is the guy that sells jewelry made out of bottle caps.

I had hoped that this group would amount to more than passing hellos and whatever the hell this is.

Nobody even think about going after her.

That's what she wants, more personal drama so we fail the exam and stay in Spanish forever.

We have to beat her.

Don't text her. Don't call her. Don't mention her.

We do not need her to study.

Does anybody know how to study?

Annie usually... Whose side are you on?

Happy finals week, Greendale.

Continuing our stress-reducing nature sounds, that's cut five from Sounds of the Serengeti.

Here's a B-side from that album, "Antelope Slaughter at Ndutu."

Oh, God. Did we miss the exam?

No, it starts in 40 minutes.

Uh, I can't wake up Pierce.

Is this gonna take an unexpected turn?

You have to know how to do it.

Discrimination lawsuit. Preposterous.

Should we call Annie? Absolutely not.

Keep your eyes on the prize and let her grow up.

I'll see you all at the exam.

Wait for me, Britta.

I was with you in the bathroom yesterday.

You're with me everywhere.

Troy, I know you could be a plumber.

I'm not gonna be, okay?

I'm gonna be sophisticated and have no job, or a job that looks from a distance like I do nothing.

Troy, you know what the best part of my day is?

For about ten seconds from the time I sit down in Spanish to the time I look at your desk.

Because I think maybe I'll look and he won't be there.

Between our studying for 12 hours, and Pierce being asleep for 11 of them, I think we may actually stand a chance.

My horoscope predicted suffering.

No, no, that's good.

Horoscopes are the devil trying to trick us.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Yeah. That make you happy?

Why aren't you at your desk?

I don't wanna sit near you because you're a bad friend.

He said the best part of his day is when he thinks I won't be there.

Abed, what a terrible thing to say.

It's from a movie.

Then the movie it's from is terrible.

Where's Annie? Oh, I sent her a text.

She hasn't responded yet.

Shirley, what did I tell you?

Don't play into her ploy for attention.

What does it say? She says she's fine and this isn't a ploy for attention.

She's sorry. She does need to grow up, starting by making things right with Chang.

Oh, no.

What? He'll kill her.

Who cares about a stupid exam?

We're a study group.

And Annie's our friend.

I'm friends with Hannah too.

The whole class is.

And you can't have an exam without a class.

Right, guys?

We love Hannah! We love Hannah!

We love Hannah!

We love Hannah!

No!

No!

Oh, no. The devil told the truth.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Whoa.

Winger, what the hell?

What was that screaming? I was showing Annie the magic of electronic sampling.

We thought you were murdering her.

Annie getting me fired was the best thing that ever happened to me.

She's helping me re-plan my life.

She's got a real mind for stuff like this.

We're gonna find Ben a job so he can stay at Greendale as a student and work on his teaching degree.

And music classes, you know?

Maybe get the band back together, huh?

Oh. Listen to that.

Yeah. Music lessons would be great for you.

Oh, thanks, Britta.

Now go pass that test.

Well, it was kind of easy, right?

I think I might have passed.

Jeff, I can never forgive myself for what I did.

Look, I treated you like a child for having feelings.

Maybe because that's, you know, when I stopped having them. But you shouldn't.

You don't have to be a kid to admit that you like people.

And you don't have to dress like this to grow up.

You look like a travel agent.

You don't like it?

I was going for more of a professor thing.

What? Why?

What? Nothing.

I think I got half of it, which got me through the half I didn't.

Like the first season of The Wire.

Exactly... Ah, hell, I can't stay mad at you.

I think I nailed it. Oh, me too.

I'm feeling pretty confident, everybody. I think we're gonna make it.

Still, we should plan for the worst-case scenario.

Because if we do all pass, that means next year, we won't have a class together.

So we're gonna need a backup.

Anthropology? Anthropology? Anthropology?

Anthropology?

Anthropology.

Anthropology. Anthropology.

I want you to be in my next film.

Barnes, Troy: 68.

Bennett, Shirley: 81. Oh!

Edison, Annie: 95.

Hawthorne, Pierce: 70.

Nadir, Abed: 85.

Perry, Britta: 79.

Winger, Jeff...

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I'm sorry for the half-hearted mislead, 80.

We all pass Spanish.

Not to take anything away from anyone, but didn't the test seem extra easy?

I don't know. Uh-uh.

Hey, thanks.

For making it easy.

I was going to say the same to you, but you were gone before breakfast.

I'm an early riser. I'll say.